(This is a continuation of writing from my previous blog entitled “Surrender and Allow.” If you have not yet read that blog, I recommend that you read it first before beginning this one.)
After a beautiful Skype conversation in which a new layer of suppressed emotions began to bubble, I enter into another interesting and unexpected flow.
First, it is the flow of soothing hot water as I stand in the delightful stream of my shower. Most residences in this part of the world do not have hot water heaters. The only water inside these homes is cold, untreated, and undrinkable. As do many people, I have an electrical showerhead that heats the water inside of the showerhead itself. I feel especially lucky to have a relatively new showerhead – one that actually delivers steaming hot spray when the water is barely flowing.
As I finish rinsing all of the shampoo out of my hair, I take a few minutes to bask in the luxurious heat of much-craved hot water, allowing the precious relaxing fluid to cover my neck and shoulders.
Suddenly a huge spark arcs above as the smell of melting electrical wires begins to permeate the air around me. By the time I turn off the faucet, the water is already running cold.
Loud Arcing Sparks
About an hour later, I hear Miguel, the young Mayan man who maintains the property, talking to someone in the garden below my balcony. Quickly running outside to capture his attention, I do my best to share the exciting saga of a sparking showerhead – doing so using a very limited Spanish vocabulary.
As Miguel examines my showerhead, trying to figure out what to do, not seeing anything visibly wrong from the outside, I suddenly notice the circuit breakers on the wall beside me. Having had the slight impression that Miguel does not fully believe me, I excitedly point out that one of the circuit breakers is in the “triggered/OFF” position. Out of curiosity, I decide to switch it back “ON.” As I do so, both Miguel and I nearly jump out of our skins.
Immediately, two large arcing sparks crackle loudly – one at the back of the showerhead, and the other just an inch below my fingertips, inside of the circuit breaker itself. The glowing sparks only last for a fraction of a second before the fuse again does what it was designed to do – but it takes me much longer to get over the jittery jolt of fear that startled me so deeply. In all my years of confidently working around electricity, I have never seen or felt a circuit breaker spark like that.
Days Of Simplicity
As Miguel again examines the burned-out showerhead, he discovers that the two lead-in wires have completely melted and fused together, creating the most direct electrical short that I have ever seen. Their insulation has completely melded together, appearing as if the wires were originally manufactured in that way.
It takes a couple of hours for Miguel to complete my repairs – first trying a couple of used showerheads that happened to be in his shed – finally running out to buy a brand new electric showerhead. I can only giggle when the wires are slightly too short. To solve the problem, Miguel quickly splices two wire scraps together.
Momentarily, I lovingly reminisce back to times in my youth when I helped my father with electrical projects – back in the days when acceptable house wiring was mostly do-it-yourself – simply wrapping ends of wire together and covering the joint with black electrical tape. As I watch Miguel work, “making do” with what he has, I experience a sense of nostalgia for those days of simplicity – days that still exist here in rural Guatemala.
Metaphorical Curiosity
As I stroll out toward Keith’s home, I begin to ponder, knowing that everything in my reality happens for a reason, wondering just why the Universe chose today to give me such a jolting metaphorical message.
“How can I apply this metaphor of short circuits, arcing electricity, and blown fuses to my current inner work process?” I contemplate with deep curiosity.
I cannot wait to find out.
A Bizarre Metaphor
“I’m going to be crying today.” I share with Keith as I greet him at his porch. “I don’t know what or why, but another layer of deep anger is bubbling at the surface, and I am eager to see where it leads.”
As the chocolate ceremony gets underway, I can only giggle with additional curiosity, noting that I have again manifested a very small ceremony surrounded by all men – Keith, two young men from Europe, and me.
Even more bizarre is a new metaphor that unfolds in front of me. In this part of Guatemala, there are large bees that Keith calls “Carpenter Bees.” Apparently, they burrow into wood, make their nests, and contribute significantly to the destruction of wooden structures. For the last two ceremonies, I have watched with giggles as Keith would, on rare occasion, stand up and chase one of these large buzzing bees away from a wooden post at the corner of his patio. Today he does something totally new.
For over ten minutes after drinking our chocolate, I observe as Keith stands up and chases one particularly persistent bee. In his hand, Keith holds a squirt bottle filled with a few strong-smelling essential oils. He stands waiting patiently for the bee to approach. When the bee finally trespasses too closely, Keith aims the squirt bottle and sprays.
Observing My Reality
Suddenly, a parallel metaphorical image floods my mind. I see my mother holding a squirt bottle, standing in the shadows, just waiting for me to do something wrong. At just the perfect moment when I begin to deviate from the straight and narrow path, my mother darts out of the darkness, squirts me with the non-lethal bottle, and coerces me to resume my proper path.
I know that my mother never used a squirt bottle to discipline me, but this metaphor profoundly resonates. Emotionally I can subconsciously feel her following me around, just waiting for me to make a wrong move so that she can lovingly correct me and urge me back into a righteous direction.
Again, most of these are not memories of actual events as much as they are emotional memories of the state of mind in which I found myself as a child and teenager. I was guided, firmly and persistently, into doing things the right way – the only way.
Seconds after this powerful visualization, I interrupt Keith’s bee hunting with giggling comments, excitedly telling him about my new insights. Keith’s own giggling and congratulatory response leaves me wondering if perhaps he was intuitively guided to put on this little stage play, doing it precisely because I needed him to do it.
It literally feels as if this is my personally created reality – and that Keith is merely playing a role in my stage play to facilitate my process.
Skirting The Edges
As I imagine my mother’s face, contemplating the “loving vigilance” with which she trained me to be a righteous citizen, I am again confronted by a visualized image of stern scowling – one that lovingly nagged me, making sure I was doing things right – one that pushed me into perfect conformance.
“My creative confidence was all but gone by age seven.” I ponder with clarity as I remember an actual incident in school. “I was so concerned about pleasing others that I did not dare to do things outside of the box. I was only confident in memorizing and mimicking – having no confidence to do anything in my own unique way.”
“Keith,” I finally ask for guidance. “As I sit here with this new layer of angry emotion, I feel as if I am just skirting around the edges … wondering if I should dive in or simply observe and remain above the pool of emotion for a while?”
“I’m getting that you want to find another way of dealing with it today.” Keith responds after checking his own guidance.
Stuck and Questioning
For considerable time, I simply toy with the pool of anger, dipping in a few metaphorical fingers and experiencing assorted physical tears, then pulling back and pondering my next move.
I feel deep confusion. I am willing to go wherever guidance takes me, but I am not feeling a great deal of guidance. An old familiar part of me urges me to dive into the lake of tears – but another part urges me to sit back, to observe, and be patient.
“Help,” I finally ask Keith. “I don’t know what to do next. I am stuck.”
Tangled Yarn
“Visualize a basket floating down in front of you.” Keith guides me. “When you can see or feel it, tell me what is inside.”
At first I sense a great number of objects attempting to materialize in my basket – but each time they start to presence themselves, they instead vanish. Finally, one specific image projects itself into my imagination. I attempt to resist this image, trying to push it away because it makes no sense to me.
“I am seeing a jumble of netting or rope.” I eventually gather my courage and share with Keith. “There is a tangled pile of whatever-this-is in the middle of the basket.”
I go on to explain that I am being intuitively guided to compare this tangled pile with clumps of old wool yarn that I recently removed, piece by piece, from old bags of foam rubber that I used to fill one of my new pillows. That yarn was so dry and deteriorated that it was clumped, tangled, and falling apart – beyond any constructive use.
Swimming In Futility
“This is the state of my lower chakras.” I suddenly blurt out to Keith. “I feel like the metaphor represents the energetically-tangled state of my intestines, my creativity, my sexuality, and my personal power. Everything is in such a huge deteriorating mess that it feels hopeless, beyond repair.”
When I further recognize that this energetic mess in my lower-chakras is a result of my mother’s programming, I feel increasingly angry. The emotion is so powerful that floods of tears begin to push their way to the surface.
Emotions of futility, impossibility, and hopelessness start to swim in that growing river of tears.
The True Source
“Go even deeper.” Keith urges me. “You are still scratching at the surface. Find the true source of the emotion. Bring in a ball of light, or perhaps an angel, to help you with this process.”
I try to follow Keith’s guidance, but am lost in the helplessness and anger. I am unable to focus on meditation, feeling distracted, and experiencing self-doubts.
As I recognize the distraction and doubts, I immediately associate them with ego. Quickly disengaging from the doubts, I attempt to reengage with higher energies – but I am still stuck – nothing is happening.
“Go to the true source of the emotion.” Keith again encourages me.
After a few minutes of meditative searching, I suddenly realize, at an intellectual level, that I am again immersed deeply in another round of my God/separation drama. I am not really angry at my mother – I am instead only projecting that anger onto her. The real target of my anger is God, my divine source. I am angry for having been abandoned.
Subconscious Drama
As I meditate ever deeper, I stumble into clear understanding of a profound lifetime loop of rebellion – rebellion that I project onto most any religious or spiritual authority. An underlying theme continues to hold me hostage at a subconscious level – a theme that God will never give me the reward I deserve, no mater what I do, no matter how dedicated I am, no matter how hard I work and sacrifice.
“If I obey mommy I will find happiness,” was one out of thousands of religious promises that never resulted in the desired outcome during my childhood.
“If I just read scriptures and say enough prayers, then God will help me with my horrible gender struggles,” was a teenage belief that resulted in repeated failure and self-hatred.
“If I earn all my Priesthood awards, become an Eagle Scout, and achieve exceptional grades in school … then surely I will get the happiness I seek,” became another failed belief of my teens.
“If I get married, raise a righteous family, read scriptures, and serve unselfishly, surely then I will find relief and happiness,” was a failed motto throughout much of my adult life.
“If I follow my heart, surrender and allow, live in the present moment, and do everything with pure unconditional love, surely I will receive enlightenment and happiness,” is a motto to which I now adhere … but I continue to get only glimpses of amazing magical results. I want more, but success is fleeting.
“Why is God abandoning me?” I ponder the subconscious drama with increasing clarity. “I repeatedly watch young people walk in off the street with more magical awareness, abilities, and sensitivity than I have. Here I am, having worked my heart out for an entire lifetime and I have still not been granted any more than brief glimpses of what I seek.”
“Perhaps I really am deeply angry at God.” I begin to recognize the subconscious truth – an underlying theme that I had no idea could yet remain so powerfully embedded in my energy field.
Necessary Clarification
Angry emotions again swell in my heart and soul. But I experience no more anger projected onto my mother. She was merely one of God’s pawns. It seems that there really is a huge reservoir inside me – a hidden reservoir of suppressed anger, abandonment, and sadness – and all of it is aimed directly at my Source.
As I verbally share my journey with Keith, I begin to feel a little guilty for the anger I am expressing towards God.
“Keith,” I share with confusion. “I know that all of these emotions and beliefs are lies … I know that the things I am sharing about this anger are not really true … but these are profound emotions that I know I must allow to run through me.”
As these words leave my tongue, I am not sure if I am saying them for Keith’s benefit … for the benefit of the two young men who are silently watching my process … or perhaps I am simply reminding myself that all of this is merely illusion – that I know in reality that God has never abandoned me at all.
Numbness and Confusion
I continue to wipe away rivers of tears as I interact frequently with Keith. We engage in a great deal of rational-mind discussion as he again explains all of his understandings about God/separation dramas. These are things that I have heard many times before – things that I should know – but I notice that I am feeling confused and flighty, unable to focus or remember hardly any of the things Keith is sharing. I hear his words, but they bounce off my mind and fall onto the ground below me.
I drift back to memories of a similar confusing day last spring – a day in which I had melted away into a blob of incoherent confusion, a state of complete emotional shutdown. It was a powerful glimpse given to me by the Universe of what happens when I feel unjustly attacked and accused.
As I ponder my emotions, I am deeply puzzled. What was once intense anger at my mother has suddenly morphed into angry emotions toward Deity. Now, to my shock and surprise, that anger is nearly nonexistent. Instead, I am feeling nothing but numbness and confusion – being almost in complete denial.
Yet I continue to observe. This is becoming quite the interesting journey.
I note that I am actually experiencing emotions that mildly tell me that it is “time to pack up my bags and leave San Marcos … that there is nothing more that Keith can help me with.”
Huge Core Issue
“Wow, this is a powerful state.” Keith shares with me when I fill him in on the bizarre tricks that Ego is playing with me. “Something really big is going on now.”
“You wouldn’t be back in this ‘pack-your-bags’ state if this was not a huge core issue.” Keith continues to reassure me.
As the unattached observer, I am already quite aware of these truths. I am eager and anxious to further dive into the solution.
“If you are too afraid or if there is too much resistance,” Keith begins to coach me, “then you come back another day.”
“But I am not afraid to go deeper into this issue.” I protest. “I want to resolve it now.”
“Then bring in some higher energy to unravel the contents of that basket.” Keith responds.
A Voice Out Of Nowhere
“Over my dead body!” I blurt out a minute later, after having connected to the tangled yarn that metaphorically represents my hopelessly deteriorated lower-chakra energies.
“Whoa,” I look at Keith with shock. “Where did that come from?”
I am blown away by the inner voice that seemed to express itself from out of nowhere. My rational mind is primed and ready to go excavating, but a hidden part of me is adamant that this is absolutely not going to happen.
“Sounds like stiff resistance to me.” Keith smiles as he points out the obvious.
Stiff Inner Resistance
“But I want to bring in the light.” I again protest. “I want to do this.”
“Then do it.” Keith coaches me yet again.
“It’s not going to happen.” I respond glumly after several futile attempts to bring in energy and work with it. “I cannot focus … I cannot do anything without facing stiff inner resistance.”
As I sit in shocked surprise, I sense almost no emotion – nothing negative, and nothing particularly positive. Most of what I feel is surprise at what I am observing – surprise at the bizarre inner resistance that has drawn a definite line in the sand, making it absolutely clear that “I am not to cross that line – at least not today.”
Succeeding At Failure
“Fighting this resistance would only create more ‘succeeding at failure’,” Keith soon points out.
“Yeah,” I respond with confidence. “I’m getting that I need to simply back off, learn about myself, and observe my emotions. I totally trust that I am in a beautiful flow. I have been repeatedly shown that I create my reality. It is time to trust that the flow will guide me through it – that all will be brought to resolution in perfect sequence and synchronous timing – that no battle with the resistance is necessary.”
I know that the emotions surrounding this anger and God/separation drama are not based in truth – yet the emotions are very real indeed. The observer in me recognizes that I am going through a powerful core issue – one that has profound control and influence over me – one that is skillfully playing hide-and-go-seek – one that I can no longer deny.
Rather than engaging in additional battles with this separation drama, playing its futile game of ‘succeeding at failure,’ I instead choose to trust.
Infinite Patience
As I prepare to leave Keith’s porch, I find myself in a very interesting and even puzzling state of peace and trust. Even my confusion and numbness have simply vanished.
I know that a core issue has been exposed – I know that it went back into hiding – and I know that there is nothing that I need to do about it right now. Everything will happen exactly on schedule and all I need to do is to be present in a state of love.
I find it beautiful as I clearly recognize how a state of absolute trust can bring such profound peace. The realization causes me to ponder one of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” quotes … one that says, “Infinite patience brings immediate results.”
“You are in a profoundly powerful place.” Keith again reassures me with smiles and congratulations. “I am deeply proud of the beautiful work that you are doing.”
A Metaphor Revisited
Late Wednesday evening, as I meditate in bed, new realizations begin to flow.
“Of course,” I ponder with clarity. “When I was very young, my magic was short-circuited, causing a fuse to blow. The power to my magical essence was severed. This was NOT something that was done ‘TO me’ … it was something that was a safety measure taken ‘BY me.’ Had that fuse not been blown, I would have surely fried in the resulting shower of sparks.”
“Just like this morning when I attempted to reset the fuse,” I continue pondering, “I probably tried to reconnect the magical power source a time or two. But each time that I flipped that switch back to the ‘ON position,’ the backlash of fearful short-circuiting was so terrifying that I simply left the switch permanently in the ‘OFF position’, frightened to ever turn it back on – forgetting that it was even there.”
“Yes,” I ponder with amazement, “the fuse was always inside me. I turned it off to protect myself from overload. I lived my entire life in the dark, blaming God for the power outage, wondering why there was no inner light – subconsciously angry that the light that I needed and wanted was unavailable.”
I find it even more amazing that this metaphor came to me via an electric showerhead that blew a fuse. Water is metaphorically connected with emotions, and showers have to do with cleansing. It seems that an even deeper message exists here – one having to do with the power source to my empath (emotional cleansing) abilities.
Bedtime Insights
As I drift off to sleep on this late and peaceful Wednesday evening, I clearly recognize that my fuse box is hidden and forgotten, likely overgrown by weeds and debris that safely hide it from view. A very real and terrified part of me is horrified by the thought of finding the forbidden “Pandora’s Box” – of switching the power back on. It might kill me. It nearly did just that when I was a magical child with a mother who did not understand.
“God is not abandoning me.” I giggle on my way into dreamland. “I am simply blaming God for something that I myself did. I have been begging God to turn my power back on – but that is something I must do. I am the one who needs to clear away the debris and flip the switch. Surely, my inner children already know where that switch is hidden. I will ask Bobby and Sharon to show me – but not until we are all ready.”
“In fact my Higher Self knows too, and so do my guides.” I further ponder. “It is only rational mind that is lost here … and now that my logical side is starting to trust and get out of the way, even rational mind is beginning to understand.”
Dream Dilemmas
Shortly after 3:30 a.m. on Thursday morning, I awaken from a very strange and vivid dream. I attempt to ignore it and just go back to sleep … but inner voices absolutely insist that I get out of bed to write down all the details.
In the dream, I am some type of masculine-energy government agent on a secret mission – a mission so classified that I do not even know who I work for. My superiors instruct me to go into a large auditorium where a competition is taking place. My orders are to locate one of the contestants, a Mr. Ben E. Ford. I am to tell him that he is in grave danger and that he needs to come with me.
As I search the contestant area, I walk through a maze of raised booths with prominently displayed nametags – yet I cannot find Mr. Ford. Suddenly I find myself at the back of the hall as my superior scolds me for not having finished my task.
“I can’t find Ben E. Ford,” I share my dilemma with frustration.
A Luxury Chrysler
“Not Ben E. Ford,” my supervisor gruffly chastises me. “You are supposed to find and bring us a Ms. Betty Ford.”
Immediately I rush back through the maze of raised booths, quickly locating Betty Ford. As I attempt to tell her who I am, I realize I still have no clue regarding the name of the agency for which I work.
“I work for the Secret Service.” I blurt out to her, simply pulling a random name out of the air. “You are in grave danger and you need to come with me, now!”
A curious part of me begins to wonder if I am being manipulated into kidnapping this woman under false pretenses.
Soon, Betty and her two young children (a boy and girl) are racing behind me as we rush out to the parking lot. My supervisor throws me a set of keys that land on the asphalt in front of me.
“Take that Chrysler right there and follow us,” the man orders.
A Confrontational Conversation
As I Quickly unlock the doors to this luxury sedan, Betty and the two children hurry into the back seat where two car seats are conveniently strapped in place. A woman that I do not know suddenly hops into the front passenger seat, acting as my guide, telling me to hurry, that we are late.
Soon I am racing down the street with the car ahead already being several blocks in front of me. The woman urges me to step on the gas. Suddenly the lead car turns into some type of commercial alleyway. As I approach the alley, I begin to turn too soon, and the woman yells at me, “Not this alley … turn into the next one.”
Finally, as I maneuver down the desired alley, I find the boss’s parked car. My secretive leader is already in the street talking to several other men in black, eating a large piece of what appears to be double-layered chocolate cake.
Feeling somewhat frustrated and deceived, I unbuckle my seatbelt with intentions to stomp over to my boss, preparing to demand an explanation for what is going on. But before I can do so, Betty Ford herself opens her door and runs over to my boss to have her own face-to-face conversation.
As I suddenly awaken from this bizarre dream, I wonder if I will ever figure it all out.
Synchronous Ceremony
Meanwhile, Keith has felt guided to invite me to participate in a private chocolate ceremony across the lake. It is not until later, that I discover the amazing synchronicities that lead up to this ceremony … the chance meetings between shared friends at just the perfect times … and the perfect combination of guests. The ceremony is at a brand new spiritual retreat center directly across the lake from San Marcos. The other three women participants are all about my age, each having engaged in life-long left-brained occupations, each in the process of surrendering to a heart-guided life.
I need to meet Keith at 6:10 a.m. on the street by the basketball court. Rather than choosing to return to bed at 3:45 a.m., I instead sit up and meditate regarding one of the strangest dreams I have had in a very long time. The moment I have Keith’s captive audience in his little pickup truck, I share the dream sequence and ask for additional feedback.
Fun Interpretations
“I think that both Ben E. Ford and Betty Ford are energetic parts of me … pre and post gender change.” I share with Keith. “And I think those two children are my magical inner children, Bobby and Sharon.”
“I think that the “government-agent-me” was unknowingly scammed into working for Ego who coerced me into surrendering my power. I was manipulated into kidnapping and locking away my own magical powers.”
“It is quite puzzling that the names were all so vivid too.” I share with Keith as I ask him for any insights.
Keith agrees that most of my interpretations make sense and then points out that the name “Chrysler” could be connected to “Christ Consciousness” and that the last names of “Ford” could also indicate that Betty/Ben E. Ford were also related to some type of vehicle or transportation.
“And you were even provided with a guide,” Keith soon points out. “That woman in the front seat protected and guided you where you needed to go.”
Safe Keeping
As I later dissect the details of this dream, I now believe that Keith was right, and I no longer believe that I was “unknowingly scammed.” A part of me was willingly participating in a secretive, divine plan. In order to protect myself from imminent childhood disaster, I indeed kidnapped my magical self, whisking it off to safety. Through the process, I was always protected by loving “guides” and “Christ Consciousness.” My magic was kept safe until the time for its return.
Indeed, those “Fords” were metaphorical vehicles as well – they helped to transport, protect, and preserve my magical inner children. They were not happy about what they had to do – nor was I – but we all did what was necessary to temporarily cut the fuse to my magical power so that I could preserve it for safe keeping.
Blew A Fuse
Shortly after 9:30 a.m., our chocolate ceremony is underway. For a few hours, I do nothing more than hold a magical and powerful space for others, occasionally sharing energy with a couple of the women who pass through their own emotional processes.
Finally, Keith begins to conduct an empath training for the three women. Rather than participating, I find myself suddenly detached, sinking into my own emotional journey – a journey involving the frustration of still not feeling the power of my own magic.
As I attempt to visualize myself switching the metaphorical power fuse to the “ON position,” I bump headfirst into blockages of fear and resistance – producing a minor flow of hesitating tears. I do not want to disturb the ceremony in progress, but Keith earlier assured me that accessing my own emotions today would be perfect if that is what happens.
As Keith continues to lead into the empath training with the other women, he explains to them about how their magic was shutdown during their childhood. Suddenly Keith tells the women that their magic “blew a fuse.” Maybe I just never fully listened, but I do not remember ever hearing Keith use those words during this part of the training.
Perfect Timing
The power of my own “blown fuse” metaphor suddenly lights up. Again, it is so profoundly clear. I did literally blow a fuse as a child. I attempted to reset that circuit breaker and the fuse subsequently sparked even more violently. Now, as I again attempt to turn it back on, the intense buried fear is surfacing.
To my utter shock, as Keith finishes phase-three of the training, he asks me to come over to the center of the circle. I was not even aware that he was paying attention to my emotions – emotions that I had mostly managed to keep visibly hidden. This amazing group of women – women with whom I deeply relate – is going to assist me in a powerful heart-opening process. The synchronous timing could not be more perfect.
Believe, Believe, Believe
At first, as these women magically assist, I feel my layer of fear melting away and disappearing. But then I reach a state of not feeling much of anything.
“Brenda, did you notice that you just hit a stiff wall of resistance?” Keith unexpectedly points out. I had not said a word.
Recognizing the magical nature of what is happening, I double my efforts to simply “allow, allow, and allow.” I feel stuck, sensing no energy movement.
“Believe, believe, believe.” I silently repeat to myself.
To my delight, I begin to feel a small movement of angry energy – and to my surprise, I feel the energy exiting from the left side of my heart chakra, not from my abdomen where I expected it to be. The energy moves very slow … but is definitely moving … building mutual trust.
Expanding Peaceful Light
“You’re still resisting.” Keith points out. “Allow just a little bit of light to come in and assist you – to build more trust.”
As I successfully visualize the light, I begin to feel several peaceful spots, vertically aligned in my heart, gradually expanding from side to side. The sensation is one of pleasurable peace – like a breath of fresh air to these slowly expanding regions in my heart. I love the sensation and respond by further relaxing into the light, gradually allowing additional light to expand inside of me.
Peaceful Empowerment
Suddenly, several tickling pains begin to manifest and intensify. I start to experience mild-but-intense emotions as tears start to stream from my confused-but-trusting eyes. The tiny emotional pains seem to trickle from the center of my chest. As I surrender to them, I notice that they feel more like power that is opening up. Soon the painful prickles expand to my entire heart chakra and then spread up into my throat.
The pain is similar to that of a sleeping foot that is waking up. Once the initial prickles settle down, peace begins to settle in, resulting in power and a sensation of awakening.
“Can you describe what you are feeling?” Keith asks me to provide feedback to the other women.
After sharing and describing that I feel the sensation of peaceful empowerment in my heart and throat, one woman responds that she is also feeling this same sensation in her throat as she works with me.
Held Like That
To my delight and surprise, one of the women comes over and asks if it is OK if she places her hands on me. As she begins to do energy work, I sense no “fixing energy” at all – instead I feel empowering support.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “I want you to know that Judy (not her real name) is unknowingly connecting to one of your angels or higher being friends, and that she is channeling that being through her in order to help you.”
To my amazement, after some beautiful energy work that sends peaceful vibrations through my back and shoulders, Judy soon begins to cuddle me from behind. As she does so, I lovingly remember a blog that I wrote just last week – sharing how a woman had cuddled her husband, and how I wished I could be “held like that” – even if it was just being held by one of my higher being friends.
“Wow, I literally am being held by one of my higher being friends.” I ponder with intuitive clarity.
Consumed With Vibration
As she continues to work with my energy, Judy whispers loving angelic words to my little inner child. I feel the depth of those genuine loving words, fully recognizing that they are being channeled from a higher source.
For nearly thirty minutes, Judy continues to cuddle me from behind, sharing inspired words and beautiful energy. I am amazed as the penetrating energy gradually expands, filling the back side of my body with pleasurable vibrations that extend from the top of my head all the way down to the base of my ribs.
When these amazing vibrations begin to extend into the lower chakras, I envision my basket filled with tangled deteriorating wool yarn. With a metaphor that only yesterday screamed “over my dead body,” I now feel an amazing sensation of surrender while I visualize the energies consuming and transmuting the tangled contents of that metaphorical basket.
Gradually the vibrations on my back reach the base of my spine. My entire backside is literally vibrating with loving peace, more than I have ever before felt it vibrate. The image that flows into my intuitive awareness is one of an angel, cuddling me so tightly that she literally merges into the back half of my body.
Profound Powerful Peace
As the empath training ends, I provide and receive amazing feedback – feedback that confidently reassures me I am well on my way toward allowing in the magical assistance that I have subconsciously resisted for so very long.
Throughout the remaining few hours of this profound chocolate ceremony, I continue to experience this incredible energy as it unceasingly vibrates with powerful peace.
Shifting Focus
As Keith and I finally make our way back to San Pedro on the 5:00 p.m. boat, he joyfully congratulates me, telling me that I broke a huge crack into my wall of resistance today.
“The wall is still standing,” Keith informs me, “but with the crack that is now there, the rest should start to come down much more easily.”
I know that I experienced a major breakthrough today in my core issue – one that surfaced on Sunday as anger directed at my mother – one that shifted on Wednesday into anger at God – one that then shifted today into clearly understanding that it was “me, myself, and I” that turned off the power supply – that there was no one outside of myself with whom I could be angry.
I now clearly recognize that the true issue is one of my continued fearful resistance – a crumbling-but-still-standing wall that prevents me from allowing the very help I crave.
Surrender And Allow
This last week has been an amazing and adventurous journey – one filled with rivers of tears, strange dreams, rational logic, and intense emotion. It has been a journey of lovingly following the flow, of never knowing where I am going next, of simply trusting that something higher than me is directing the unfolding stage play and that I simply need to surrender and allow.
I know that more growth remains in my path – but I joyfully revel in the huge progress that is now flowing so effortlessly. I have indeed allowed a new level of higher dimension assistance to help me in ways I never fully believed possible – at least not possible for me.
In countless past ceremonies, I have never understood why Keith would often coach me to stop resisting … to allow the energies to help me. I am now beginning to understand.
And to think that my resistance was based on projected, misdirected anger – anger at God for having taken away my magical powers, when in reality it was all a simple misunderstanding.
I had simply blown a fuse – a process that was skillfully orchestrated as a part of the divine plan. Several times in the past, I have intellectually understood that I planned my own childhood shutdown as an important part of my mission in this lifetime. Such understanding now resonates at a much deeper level in my heart.
I have an entire magical theme park inside of me. I am the one who, at a subconscious level, remains hesitant to restore the power.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved