The moment I finish writing about one beautiful synchronous experience, it seems that another one quickly tantalizes me. Things continuously grow ever more amazing.
In my journey this last week – a journey of projected anger, tears, surrendering, allowing, blown fuses, dreams, and amazing synchronicities, I had begun to feel as I was reaching the conclusion to this unfolding healing process. I could not have been further from the truth.
Stuck In A Loop
The chocolate ceremony on Sunday, November 13, begins just as any other average ceremony. There are eight of us – four women and four men – a very interesting and perfect balance of masculine and feminine energies.
During the initial glow meditation, I begin to experience renewed painful agitations in my solar plexus.
“Not again.” I ponder in frustration. “I am so tired of facing these fears and deeply buried emotions. I want them out of me. Why am I so stuck in such a seeming endless loop?”
Analyzing
“Surrender, follow, allow. Love these pains.” I begin to coach myself. “They have a message for me. They will not go away until I quit resisting … until I actually embrace them and understand their message.”
Finally, as I succeed in this self-cheerleading, the pains suddenly migrate, leaving my solar plexus quite peaceful while beginning to agitate mildly in the center of my heart, right over that familiar “nail-in-my-heart” region – a place that metaphorically (to me) symbolizes how my magic was crucified in the name of religion and God.
As I continue in attempts to further surrender, to gain insight into what metaphorical message the energies might now be sending, I find myself stuck in my head – analyzing, thinking, figuring out, using logic and reason to ponder my ‘stuck-ness’.
Intense Rebellion
As I watch Keith work with another woman who is stuck, he asks her to visualize into the place that is preventing her from moving forward. Following along, I meditatively sink into the center of my heart, imagining what I find there. To my shock, I feel a thick layer of oil and tar floating above the pure energetic fluids of my heart, clogging me from moving more freely into my magic.
Knowing that there is nothing that rational mind can do to assist, I begin to use a metaphor that has worked many times before. I ask my left-brain observer-self to step aside, to sit on the front row of an imaginary theatre, passively watching. I want to bring in a magical wizard, such as Gandalf (Lord of the Rings) or Dumbledore (Harry Potter) – a metaphorical magical being who I attempt to visualize as using a wand or staff to transmute the dense tar, transforming it into brilliant white light.
But as I attempt to visualize this imaginative scene, my left-brain goes into a state of intense rebellion.
Right-Brained Coup
“You are trying to demote me.” I feel my left-brain lash out in rage. “I will not simply be cast out to the status of servant to that silly delusional right-brain. I am the one who has kept you safe all these years. I need to be ultimately in charge.”
For several minutes, I attempt to bargain and reason with this left-brain resistance, trying to reassure him that I will not reject or discard him – that we still value him – but that we do need to do something that he is not capable of doing.
The observer in me is absolutely astounded by the intense level of resistance that I am experiencing. Repeatedly, for more than six months, I have successfully collaborated with left-brain by convincing him to step aside and simply watch for a while – but today he utterly refuses.
In retrospect, however, I recognize as I write these words that I was clearly asking left-brain to surrender leadership to her majesty, the right-brain. I was not setting up an equal partnership between left and right, I was attempting a coup where right would seize power.
Wall Of Futility
To my surprise, a storyline of being stuck in the rational mind seems to become a strong early theme among the women in the group. Everyone is dealing with left-brain resistance, feeling stuck, unable to move beyond a feeling of hopelessness.
As Keith works with one woman, he presents her with a metaphor that I have heard him use several times before. In addressing her feeling of being powerless and stuck, Keith has her imagine a five-meter high wall of glass that is directly blocking her path. He explains to her that this is a metaphorical wall that she put there on purpose – a wall that is impossible to climb using only her own rational abilities – a wall that one day would force her to request the assistance of higher energies.
I have encountered this wall a few times as well – feeling that intense futility of being helpless, incapable of moving forward by myself. But today, this metaphor is triggering me in new and agonizing ways.
An Interesting Manifestation
Meanwhile, I watch with slight judgmental amusement as an energetically connected man from across the porch, I will call him Mark, asks Keith for permission to share some of the profound spiritual visions that are being given to him regarding this woman’s process of being so stuck.
Halfway through his sharing, Keith looks up at me, makes gentle loving eye contact, and gestures for my confirmation.
“Fixing energy?” he whispers in the form of a question … but I really know that he already knows the answer … he is just trying to involve me in the process.
I nod in agreement.
For the next fifteen minutes, Keith turns to work with Mark, teaching him about the subtleties of leading and pushing versus following the flow of someone else’s energy. He helps Mark to understand that he needs to use his amazing gifts to assist others in a ‘following’ manner, rather than disempowering them by pushing them in the direction he thinks they need to go.
I later watch as another man, who also has an amazing intuitive/connected energy about him, proceeds to comfort Mark by doing a little Shiatsu and energy work on him. Again, I notice strong fixing energy – the energy of one fixer assisting the other fixer.
“This is quite the interesting manifestation I have created here.” I silently ponder. “I have manifested three women who are stuck and unable to move out of left brain logic … and three men, with a hint of fixing energy, who seem to be deeply and energetically connected to their right brain intuitive sides.”
An Experiential Loop
Meanwhile, I continue to observe Keith work with the woman who is stuck, still meditatively standing in front of a metaphorical five-meter wall of glass.
Almost immediately, another metaphor floods into my mind. I remember a class project, during my masters program, in which several of my classmates in a group-counseling class facilitated an experiential activity for the rest of us. To this day, I find myself feeling extremely judgmental and annoyed by that particular project.
A rope was strung between several trees and a signpost – being tied in such a way that it formed an almost-circle – having no beginning or end. Those of us “not in the know” were then blindfolded and taken out to this little obstacle course.
“Follow the rope.” We were instructed. “When you find the end of the rope, you can let go and remove your blindfold. If you get stuck, you can ask us for help.”
Asking For Help
Nearly four years after completing this object lesson, I continue to experience anger when I contemplate the events of that beautiful spring evening. After nearly a half-hour of repeatedly looping around that unsolvable rope course, I remained as the only student still hanging onto the rope. I clearly knew that the rope was tied in an infinite loop, and I knew that there was no logical way to use my mind to leave that infinite loop – yet I refused to admit that my head could not solve the problem.
“Surely there must be some solvable riddle buried in this unsolvable problem.” I pondered with determination. “I refuse to give up. I refuse to be a quitter and admit that I am too stupid to figure out the riddle.”
Finally, in absolute desperation, when I became aware that everyone except me had already completed the task, I humbled myself and asked for help.
“You can let go now, Brenda.” One of the activity leaders quickly responded. “All you needed to do was ask for help.”
“What a stupid activity!” I silently pouted for the remainder of class.
Refusal To Play
As I ponder the dilemma of standing in front of an un-climbable wall, combined with the frustration of an unsolvable riddle of circular rope – anger begins to pour through my soul.
This anger is coming from my left-brain rational mind – an intense rage at the utter stupidity and unfairness of presenting me with such a stupid task that is not solvable. The emotion that flows through me is livid, judgmental, pissed, and spiteful.
“The rules are not fair,” my logical mind continues raving. “How dare they create a game that does not have a solution – how dare they cause me to waste so much time on such a ridiculous charade – I refuse to play such games ever again.”
“Every game must have a rational solution.” I pout in frustration.
I Finally Get It
Many times, I have listened as Keith explains various aspects of the God/separation drama – talking of one common manifestation in which you can get to a point in which you simply refuse to play the game until you first receive the reward that you deserve for having been so faithful – until you get your “cookies.”
His explanation has never fully resonated with me … until now that is.
I finally get it. The rational-mind side of me is so angry that I refuse to ask for help, even though I realize that asking for help is the only way to succeed and move forward. I absolutely refuse to participate in a rigged game where the only answer is to fail and to have to ask for help.
“No, I will not play!” Logical mind screams in my ear.
Stupid And Rigged
Keith again explains to the woman at the base of the wall of glass that she intentionally placed this un-climbable wall in her path – that she put it there so that it would be impossible for her logical mind to proceed beyond this point without first partnering with the higher energies.
Even fully understanding what is going on, I still experience such intense anger that I refuse to look meditatively upward to the top of my own wall. I will not ask for help – this game is rigged and it is stupid.
Meanwhile, as Keith moves on to work with yet-another very numb and stuck woman, tears are streaming down my cheeks as tissues pile up on the concrete beside me. My rational mind would rather suffer and cry than give up and ask for assistance.
Wall Of Anger
Meanwhile, I continue to ponder as an observer, wondering how this wall of resistance about asking for help is related to my “blown fuse” metaphor – my inability to allow the power of my magic to be turned back on – and my inability to allow magical assistance from higher dimensional beings.
I suddenly realize that the wall of not allowing in divine assistance is exactly the same as the wall of refusing to ask for help. These are just two different sides of the same issue.
Yes, I put a large crack into that wall on Thursday – but today I am seeing that now-slightly-cracked wall from an entirely new and amazing perspective. The wall was built with the mortar of intense anger – an anger that absolutely refuses to ask for or to receive help.
Triggering My Own
As Keith moves on to work with the men in our group, I am soon feeling very humbled by his unfolding discussion with Mark, the man whom I had earlier labeled as a “fixer.”
This beautiful man is deeply suffering in childhood pain – in inner-child work – of having his magic shutdown by family figures – of genuinely wishing to do things the inspired way – of wanting to understand what he did wrong earlier today in group. He wants to use his gifts in a loving, following way – but simply does not understand.
As Mark sinks deeper and deeper into his process, I start to sink deeper into my own, again beginning to sob and flow deep rivers of tears. I connect profoundly with Mark’s pain. At a subconscious level, I relate to everything he shares.
Keith soon tells one tearful woman in the group that she is bringing Mark’s emotions into her – that what she is experiencing is not just her own emotion.
“Keith,” I beg for clarity, even though I already know the answer. “Am I doing the same thing? Is that why I am crying so much? Am I feeling the depths of Mark’s emotion?”
Keith responds by confirming that yes, I am profoundly experiencing Mark’s inner-child pain – but that it is also deeply triggering my own.
Help Equals Emotional Garbage
Soon, Keith guides the group in a new direction – one that has happened a great deal in recent ceremonies. There are several empaths in the group and it is now time to help them understand what they are doing.
Meanwhile, I continue struggling with my own dilemmas, ignoring the first part of the empath training.
“Why?” I ponder with puzzlement. “Why am I so subconsciously terrified of asking for help? Why does my logical side adamantly insist that I have to do everything myself … using my own resources?”
“Of course,” the answers begin to filter in. “When others helped me, I experienced their emotional pain. I experienced their assistance as judgment, fixing, condescension, and manipulation. I was subconsciously made to believe that I was wrong or stupid, that I should already know the answer – causing me to experience shame and emotional suffering.”
On the flip side, when I used my rational mind to impress others with how intelligent I was, I received huge accolades and rewards of praise. Yes, using my own mind to find the answer brought great joy – but asking for help resulted in embarrassment and emotional pain.
At one point while coaching the empaths in the group, Keith explains that during their early years, love became hooked and equated with eating people’s garbage.
“Keith,” I suddenly interrupt, “for me I think I also equated ‘asking for help’ as causing me to eat people’s emotional garbage.”
Power Equals Pain
As the empath training proceeds, I return to my state of being deeply stuck. I want to feel the energies. I want to turn on that short-circuited fuse. I want my power back. I begin to wonder if it might be possible to restore power in slight increments.
First, I attempt to visualize myself inserting a fixed resistor into the circuit – one that will restrict electricity flow while allowing some of it to move through the wires. In this way, I will not be bombarded with that overwhelming power all at once. It is an effort in futility … of succeeding at failure.
Next, I get the brilliant idea of installing a metaphorical “dimmer switch,” turning it to the “OFF” position, and then flipping on the fuse. Then I will gradually raise the lights. But the effort again fails. I feel a tiny bit of energy flow, but it is frightening.
I am equating the fearful act of restoring power, as being equivalent to an act of restoring pain, and my higher energies will not cooperate.
It Just Knows
After phase-three of the training completes, Keith asks a woman to sit in the middle while the rest of us in the group assist her to release her stuck emotions.
“You don’t need to do any tugging or pulling of the emotion.” Keith coaches the empaths. “When you were five years old, you didn’t pull it out of your parents … they just released it and the energy flowed right into you.”
As I think about helping this woman in the middle, my rational mind is still angry and resistant – wanting to feel things before I will agree to participate – but suddenly, something amazing happens.
“I know how to do this.” My joyful intuitive mind unexpectedly chimes in. “I may not yet understand or feel what I am doing, but I just need to fill my heart with love by breathing in energy. Then I just need to use my right-brain imagination to send that energy, trusting that the energy itself knows what to do and where to go.”
Surrender To Trust
“Wow,” I ponder with amazement. “My power switch just turned on … and it wasn’t frightening or painful … it feels wonderful … and it is just love.”
I still don’t feel any energy external to my body, but I do feel an amazing sense of powerful peace fill my heart chakra as I breathe in the energy, and I experience delightful vibrations in my chest and hands as I breathe out, simply using the power of intention to send the energy wherever it needs to go.
I have surrendered to a knowing that exists outside of rational mind – to a power that is not yet understood – and I definitely like it. I have experienced this process many times in the past. I have learned to trust it, and I know it works.
Peace In My Heart
As the process continues, I begin to experience tight painful balls of energy … one in the center of my solar plexus and one in the center of the second chakra, right below the belly button.
“Keith,” I interrupt with curiosity, “is this my pain, or am I just reading the energy in her body without eating it?”
“What do you think?” Keith turns the question around.
“I think I am feeling her energy.” I respond with confidence.
“Is your heart feeling shutdown?” Keith asks a pointed question.
“No,” I respond with joy.
“They you are simply reading the book without eating it.” Keith responds, using a metaphor he frequently uses – a metaphor that means feeling the dense energy without storing it inside of me.
“Of course,” I think to myself as new light bulbs flash in my mind. “Observing the state of ‘peace in my heart’ is an ideal way to monitor what is taking place.”
Sending Heart Energy
I am vibrating with profound peace as our group soon begins to assist this woman with yet another process of beautiful emotional self-discovery. Part way through the process – a process of supporting her while she walks into and out of her own version of “personal hell” – I place my hand on her knee to let her know that I am there, holding space for her.
A few minutes later, I follow an intuition to quit reaching so far out of my physical comfort zone, and to lean back a little bit, instead placing my hand in a more relaxed position on Mark’s knee. He is touching her, and I am touching him, still completing the space-holding energetic connection.
As I rest my hand on Mark’s knee, an intuitive feeling tells me to focus on sending strong heart energy to him as well.
Angelic Channeling
Soon, as the process is over, I remove my hand, and lean back into the wall by Keith’s kitchen door. I am in a deep state of vibrating peace, and tears of joy are beginning to trickle in and out of my energy field. A minute later, I feel Mark’s hand on my knee, sending some energy in my direction.
“He is channeling my higher ‘Circle of Friends’.” I intuitively know. I do not know how I know … but I just know.
To my shock and surprise, a few minutes later, Mark stands up, bends over, and asks if it would be OK for him to sit behind me.
“Of course,” I respond with loving clarity.
Tears of joy filter down my cheeks as I surrender to the experience. I simply cannot believe what is happening, yet I clearly recognize that I am about to be held by another channeled angel – this one being of the masculine variety.
Held Like That
I scoot lightly forward on my cushion and Mark gently squeezes himself against the wall behind me – cuddling me from behind, his legs straddling my hips, his chest gently pressing into my back, his forehead occasionally resting on my neck or shoulders.
For what must be at least forty-five minutes, Mark and I synchronize breathing while he gently shares energy with me, often with his hands on my shoulders, neck, or head. Tears trickle down my cheeks as I joyfully attempt to surrender to the masculine energy being shared by this angelic presence.
There is absolutely nothing sexual about this – no lower chakra vibrations at all – it is a pure sharing of unconditional love – a pure gift being channeled from my own higher ‘Circle of Friends’.
Just last week, in a blog titled “Serious Business,” I wrote about watching a beautiful woman cuddle and cradle her husband while he passed through deep emotional and energetic healing. As I later integrated the event, I manifested my own wish to be “held like that” by beings from my ‘Circle of Friends’ – by my own guides and higher beings that cheer me on from other dimensions.
Perfect Indeed
To my amazement, in two back-to-back chocolate ceremonies, with completely unrelated groups of people, I have been “held like that” twice – once by a beautiful angelic woman that I called Judy – and now by an amazing intuitive man I am calling Mark – both of whom were responding to powerful intuitions and guidance of their own.
There is no doubt in my mind that these events – events that I have never before seen in any chocolate ceremony – were divinely guided.
With all my heart, I know that my own higher “Circle of Friends” were sending me a very personal message, making a profound and powerful point – a point that is undeniable.
“I am deeply loved … I am creating my reality … I am constantly being held by an angelic support system of higher beings … and the flow of my life right now is indeed perfect – perfectly timed and perfectly synchronous beyond belief.”
Fearful Suspicion
One thing I observe, but do not let concern me, is that I do not experience myself fully surrendering to this masculine form of divine energy as I did with the feminine variety with Judy. Even with a genuine and pure intent to surrender, follow, and allow, I am still not fully capable of feeling the energy vibrate in my body as it did last Thursday.
Yes, with Judy, I was partially resisting, but I did succeed in allowing some of that energetic merging to take place. With Mark, it seems that my hidden resistance is still too great.
The message for me is obvious … there remains a part of me that is extremely hesitant to fully embrace any form of masculine energy, even in it purest and most balanced form. A subconscious part of me continues to see masculine energy with fearful suspicion – still resisting.
A Humble Response
After Mark eventually follows his guidance, stands up, and occupies a large pillow to my left, I sit in a powerful state of loving peace for nearly another hour. My legs are completely numb, but I do not want to move.
Finally, I share with Mark how incredibly inspired his actions were – how he could not possibly know how synchronous and perfect his cuddling me from behind had been.
“I was just following my intuitions.” He responds with humility.
Slight Back-Step
Later, just before walking home, I engage Keith in a brief discussion about my inner work.
“I felt that you took a slight back-step in working with that cracked wall of resistance.” Keith offers an outside observation.
“I did exactly what I needed to do.” I respond with confidence. “I now have such a new and unbelievable clarity regarding the nature and cause of much of that wall of resistance – clarity that I could not have achieved in any other way.”
“I had no idea that so much anger was still buried inside of me.” I add. “This time it was rational mind anger at how unfair it was for God/Source to set up a system that could not be solved with intellect.”
I intuitively know that I am just beginning my journey with this new wall. I cannot wait to discover where this adventure leads.
An Unsolvable Riddle
While I have been fascinated by some of the teachings of a few Zen Buddhists, I have never studied traditional Buddhism itself. A few times in my life, however, I have heard stories about how ancient Buddhist teachers used unsolvable riddles in working with their students.
This concept used to seem so utterly stupid to my rational mind.
“How could working on an unsolvable problem possibly have any type of spiritually enlightening result?” I questioned and laughed at the absurdity of such a bizarre belief.
It seems that I am now experiencing a glimpse into the profound wisdom of this ancient process. I have finally reached a point in my spiritual path where I realize that I cannot go any further until I climb my un-climbable wall. It is a subconscious wall that demands that I not receive outside help. It is a wall that refuses to ask for help because I should be able to solve every problem on my own.
This un-climbable wall is something that I, myself, placed there to block my path. I set it up prior to my birth, as part of the divine plan.
It us an unsolvable riddle placed in my path to leave me with no other alternative, other than to seek assistance from Higher Sources outside of my limited rational-mind understanding.
I am eager to see what happens next.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved