Giggles fill my heart as I press the “publish button” on my latest blog entry titled “Serious Business.” While I cultivate increasing passion about my spiritual growth and healing, I know that the passion is being fueled by a flowing joyful energy of gradual awakening, not by the old taskmaster of “work, work, and more work.”
Every night before bed, I fill myself with energy while meditating or watching further spiritual/scientific documentaries such as “Crossing the Event Horizon.” It is a sort of double-edged sword. I love the feeling of new energies and insights pulsing around in my body – yet those energies do not stop when I attempt to relax into sleep, continuing to bounce around in my body, keeping me awake with eager excitement. It is a journey in which I continue to seek balance.
I am also finding great delight in the balance of left and right brains. Topics such as Sacred Geometry are again tugging at my heartstrings, begging me to use my logical mind to further explore the heart meanings hidden behind the structure.
Renewed Communication
Sunday morning, November 6, I take great delight in a two-hour Skype conversation with a dear friend back in Utah. Ever since returning to San Marcos, my internet connection has been beyond flaky, making Skype a near impossibility. This week, after several peaceful conversations with the man who owns my wireless source, the problem seems to have been mostly resolved, at least for now.
Perhaps the Universe is giving me a synchronous message, telling me that my communication to Source is beginning to clear up and become more reliable.
Self-Enforcement
During this jointly inspiring Skype conversation, two quotes flow powerfully into my consciousness.
The first is one from the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. In one of the early chapters about “domestication of the planet,” Don Miguel discusses the basic process of cultural conditioning through which we all pass – a process in which our parents and culture give us the metaphorical rulebook – the book of law by which we live our lives. At a certain age, we subconsciously take over the role of enforcing these hidden laws – becoming our own jailor of sorts – becoming responsible for maintaining the conditioning of our childhood.
Follow And Allow
The other quote that flashes into my mind during this delightful Skype conversation comes from the book “Oneness,” channeled by Rasha. It is a powerful book that Keith highly recommends for anyone who is serious about working through their emotional baggage – a book in which I have encountered great wisdom as of late.
A few days ago, during a session of meditative reading, a powerful quote jumped out at me. I will begin quoting from the bottom of page 47.
“It is entirely to be anticipated that dramas and interactions transpire that bring into definition and absolute clarity the key emotional issues with which you have been working toward resolution in recent times.”
My interest is definitely peaked as I continue reading at the top of page 48. I absolutely know that I am creating my own reality, and that such emotional issues are now being shown to me with increasing clarity on a very consistent basis.
“It is in your highest possible interests that you permit yourself the experience of these emotional responses, when circumstances manifest them for you, in order that the corresponding patterns can be eliminated from your energy field.”
Again, this statement rings profoundly true. I know with all of my heart that I must allow myself to feel and deeply experience all suppressed emotions before they can be released from my energy field. But it is the next sentence of this quote that sets my heart vibrating.
“By resisting the inclination to repress such responses, when, on an intellectual level, one would believe oneself to have transcended such feelings, one is able to make the shift to a new level of consciousness, unencumbered by a lifetime of experiences that have reached completion.”
“Wow,” I think to myself.” This has been my biggest struggle. I frequently debate with a rational mind that would intellectually insist that I have already dealt with this or that emotion, that there is no need to re-experience an emotional process that I believe myself to have already completed.”
As I lovingly prepare to engage in a Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, one thing is profoundly clear. I have been synchronously reminded to get out of my head – to follow and allow – to fully experience whatever emotions may be brought into my awareness without permitting intellectual resistance to stop me.
Wherever It Takes Me
As eight of us meditate on Keith’s porch, I enjoy the delightful energy of oneness flowing through every cell. Minutes later, I begin to sense a feeling of mild agitation in my solar plexus. Sensations of intense fear, accompanied by fierce resistance, urge me to ignore the agitated feelings as being merely physical – to look the other way.
“You have already worked with the issues in your abdomen.” Intellectual voices in my head begin to ramble. “You don’t want to stir this up yet again.”
Then the powerful quote from “Oneness” flashes through my mind. I will allow myself to go into and to explore this fear and resistance, no matter where it takes me. I know that each layer of emotion is merely preparing me for the next – a deeper layer that is often even more intense. I will allow … allow … allow.
Focus On The Resistance
Ignoring the strong resistance that continues to surface, I begin to focus on the slight agitations in my abdomen. At first thought, I assume that these jostling pains merely represent additional emotional density that I need to identify, feel, and transmute – speculating that the fear I experience is merely the trepidation of delving into this density.
It is on these assumptions that I base my initial meditative journey. But try as I might, the resistance does not soften, and the fears only laugh at me.
“Instead of concentrating on the pain, why don’t you focus on the part of you that is resisting.” Keith coaches me as he begins a round of individually assisting others.
Soon, I am sitting down at a metaphorical conference table with a resistance energy that scowls back at me.
Pandora’s Box
“As I sit with this resistance, I get the feeling that what is hidden away in my abdomen is like a Pandora’s Box.” I soon share with Keith. “Every time I get even remotely close I feel terrorized by the fear of releasing what is hidden inside.”
I have no idea what may be lurking in that box, but it is indeed charged with intense frightening emotion. Each time I attempt to visualize myself releasing even a few drops of those mysterious contents, overwhelming and intense fears consume me.
As I try to imagine this “resistance representative” sitting at the conference table with me, the image repeatedly fades to nothingness – but each time I attempt to move back toward that forbidden box, the resistance again rears its ugly head.
Meanwhile, I watch Keith’s every move, constantly aware and vigilant of the fact that I create my entire reality – searching for clues “out there” as to what may be going on inside of me. As I watch Keith begin to work with an empath across the porch, the intuitions suddenly flood my awareness.
“The contents of that box are not emotional density.” Excited Jedi voices begin to whisper. “The box contains my own empath magic. The resistance is my gatekeeper – a loyal energy that I once asked to hide the magic – keeping it suppressed, safe, and hidden.”
“Opening the Pandora’s Box is a daunting task.” I ponder. “A very real part of me is terrified at the thought of allowing this forbidden magic to return. There is a reason I shut that magic down in the first place. It got me into such deep trouble as a child.”
A Beastly Reunion
Overflowing with new insights, I return to my inner conference room, again sitting beside the metaphorical gatekeeper energy that continues to prevent me from accessing my magic.
The image of a broken old man fills my imagination. This gatekeeper is tired and feeble, beaten down by the task I had once asked him to fulfill on my behalf – the task of literally murdering my energetic magic in order to keep me safe in a world that would punish such magic.
Allowing myself to sink deeply into this horrible grief, I reconnect with a familiar agony. It is an agony that I originally accessed last spring when I first discovered this heartbreaking energy – the Beast energy that I had asked to strangle my connections to divine light in a desperate attempt to remain alive and functional in a cultural and religious reality that would have crucified me had I allowed the magic to be freely expressed.
A Female Gatekeeper
I inform Keith of my unfolding journey as he briefly returns to work with me.
“Connect with your inner child,” Keith soon guides me. “How old was she when all of this was going on?”
“In her teens,” I respond to Keith after processing my initial thoughts about why he referred to my inner child as a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’.
“It really was the feminine side of me that was trying to commit energetic suicide during that age.” I quietly ponder with increasing flashes of insight.
“Sit with her.” Keith encourages me. “Find out what she was feeling during this period of your life.
As I connect with the intense frustration and hopelessness of my teenage “Sharon,” I begin to recognize that the gatekeeper energy – energy that continues to hold my magic in a tightly shut Pandora’s Box – is also female.
Another painful realization floods my awareness. Just as Don Miguel Ruiz describes in his book “The Four Agreements,” I as the adult Brenda have taken over as the oppressor – as the rule enforcer that continues to force this inner child to shut her magic down.
Forgotten Nagging
As I visualize myself as being the oppressive parent figure to this innocent inner child, a new twist suddenly shifts my meditative journey. Memories unexpectedly begin to flood my mind regarding my own relationship with my mother.
(I want to make one thing perfectly clear before proceeding. I love and honor my mother with all of my heart. What I am discussing here are buried, unhealed, struggles and issues from the past – issues that I had no idea still existed – issues that remain anchored in my energetic field.)
All of a sudden I am overwhelmed by memories of how much I hated my mother for what I perceived as her incessant nagging – her constantly watching and correcting – her micromanaging of my life. I do not have much physical evidence to corroborate the emotion – but the emotional memories are clear and vivid. They are numerous memories of rebellious anger about the frequent and overwhelming nagging that coerced me to conform and obey.
Robot Training
Expression of anger was not a welcome behavior in my home. Any attempts to vent my intense feelings of resentment and rebellion were suppressed through culturally accepted punishments – causing me to repress my anger, directing it inward – forcing me to put on a happy and smiling face – training me to be the people-pleasing actress that I have been throughout most of my life.
“This is what any good parent would do,” Is the message that was culturally driven into my soul. I was made to believe that my feelings were wrong, even evil – and I did my best to suppress all expression of such emotion because, “good little boys and girls obey and do as Jesus wants them to.”
As I ponder ever deeper, an intensifying anger boils and churns within my abdomen – anger at how my life was systematically micromanaged by my mother – anger at how I was forced to conform and obey – anger at how I became a people-pleasing robot, having to sacrifice my own identity for outward appearance – anger at religion and culture – but mostly anger at my mother for being the chief instigator, architect, and enforcer of my robot training.
Broken Like A Horse
My thinking, behavior, beliefs, creativity, sexuality, and personal power were all squashed, twisted, manipulated, and micromanaged by a loving-but-stern mother who was honorably doing what she believed she must do in order to conform to her own beliefs about what it means to be a righteous mother.
I hated it. I had no choice in the matter. I cried about it. I was rebellious and angry about it. And I eventually gave up – a broken soul, like a broken horse – finally just doing as I was told – towing the line – going in whatever direction that my mother dictated. What other choice did I have?
Yes, I was the product of a loving home with a God-fearing mother who taught me as she had been taught. Like a good little trained horse, I did the same with my own children, faithfully passing along the family training with the most genuine of intentions.
Irate Rebellious Release
The more I focus on this irate rebellious emotion, the more intense the anger becomes. As tears stream down my cheeks, my belly shakes with muffled sobs. My entire abdomen agitates wildly and painfully with a feeling of unmanageable rage at how I was so controlled and manipulated.
I am impatient. I want this emotion out of me … NOW!
But I know I must surrender and allow, flowing with the process. As tissues pile up beside me, I attempt to muffle the external expression while freely allowing the energies to flow unobstructed through my aching soul. I will not bottle this up again. I want this outrageous anger out of my energy body – and the only way to accomplish that is to allow it to fully surface. I must feel it to the core. I do not want a single drop of this putrid emotional density to remain buried.
Faithfully Hidden
Shock consumes me as I observe the physical manifestations of this intense rage. My abdomen is a mixture of nausea and physical cramps – creating a sensation of needles poking me from the inside. As I contemplate present pains, my mind wanders to memories of a lifetime of intestinal and bladder issues – urinary issues, frequent constipation and diarrhea, gas, cramping, abdominal anxiety, etc…
“How could such emotion have possibly remained hidden inside of me?” I ponder with amazement.
I was taught to be obedient and submissive – to never express such emotion. As the perfect little child that I strived to become, I faithfully bottled up every drop, storing it where I hoped it would never be found.
Wiggle Room
Part of me wants to do what I trust – to cry and scream out the emotion. I lightly punch one fist into the other, feeling the emotions intensify with each physical motion. But something inside tells me that I want to explore a different way out – a way of involving higher energies in assisting me to release the anger.
Meanwhile, Keith is across the porch, helping a woman to understand her own empath abilities.
“Connect with Brenda and help her move some of this.” Keith asks the woman who looks quite puzzled by Keith’s request.
Soon, Keith guides this woman, along with others on the porch, coaching them to use some of their own magic in assisting me with my intense emotion. As they begin, I feel a tiny bit of emotional energy flow out of me, but not enough to make a significant difference. I can feel some angry energy gradually leave me, giving me a tiny bit of wiggle room, but intuitively I recognize that a hidden part of me is simply not allowing me to receive the help.
A Frustrated Wheel
The first empath woman makes an intuitive observation that surprises me, announcing that she was given a brief visual glimpse of me at the center of a wheel with many spokes coming out of me. Each spoke is an energetic connection that I have to someone else – a connection through which I am assisting others with their own emotions.
“Yeah, Brenda has no idea what she actually does.” Keith tells this woman. “She connects with and helps countless people and doesn’t even realize it … yet she still struggles to allow herself to be helped.”
Frustration dances in my mind as I meditatively question how I could be doing so much to help others, yet remain so blocked and shutdown.
A Montage Of Memories
As Keith begins to conduct an empath training with others on the porch, I continue to silently observe the intense angry emotions stomping around in my abdomen. I ignore the training while focusing on my own process. I do not want to just “fix” this emotion … I want to understand the reasons why I put it there … I want to learn the necessary lessons so that the emotion can be fully healed and permanently released.
While allowing the “anger at my mother” emotions to flow, a continuous sequence of childhood memories pop up. Each surfacing memory is of times when I was angry and rebellious. As I attempt to visualize my mother’s loving face, I can only see a face that is hard and stern – a scowling face – a face that is determined to teach me proper behavior – a face that is desperately trying to squash parts of me that frighten her.
Then I remember how I desperately tried to please her, earning my rewards for good behavior. I did everything possible to be the little angel she wanted me to be.
Energetic Anger Expression
As phase three of the empath training concludes, Keith unexpectedly asks me to move to the middle of the porch. Gratitude overwhelms my heart as I recognize that others are about to assist me in moving the virus-like anger that flows inside of me.
As Keith asks people to connect with me, to begin helping me move the density, I attempt to surrender. My conscious mind desperately wants to allow the process, but a huge hidden part of me is still resisting and fighting.
Intuitively, I recognize that a great deal of this anger desperately craves release through verbal expression – through my throat chakra. While others focus on assisting me, I breathe heavily, making light vibrational sounds, gradually beginning to hum, and then starting to sound an “ohm” tone. Within a minute of making these verbal tones, I begin to experience an intense and profound energy of anger that seems to rise from my gut, up into my chest, through my throat and out my mouth – as if I am literally vomiting the anger out of me.
As this process unfolds, I bend forward in agony, continuing to use every ounce of my strength to push and coax this emotion as if it were a real physical entity. After about thirty seconds of intense release, I am blessed with a minute or two of calm peace.
Increasingly Lighter
Intuitively, I know I am not done, and begin to “ooohhhmmm” some more. Soon, more intense, agonizing, angry energy flows up and out of my throat as I again bend forward in pain.
There is little room for doubt … I am literally feeling this anger to the very core … but I know there is more and I want it out.
Repeating this process several additional times, I release wave after wave of intense emotional energy while the group assists in sending it off to the angels for transmutation.
With each release, I feel increasingly lighter – lighter in a very real physical sense.
A Squashed Heart
Soon, the pains in my solar plexus fade to peace while a few new metaphorical pains simultaneously form at the lower-left region of my second chakra – in the groin and bladder areas.
“These new pains represent my suppressed creativity and magic.” Intuitive voices whisper silently.
At nearly the same time, I feel a great deal of pressure on the left side of my chest, as if something or someone is sitting on my heart.
“This is my mother sitting on me, suppressing my magic, squashing my heart.” I share with Keith, “She is restricting my feminine magic, repressing my will and my ability to breathe.”
“That is what actually happened.” Keith confirms, agreeing that my mother was the primary force in shutting down my magic.
Heal Thyself
With the group’s help, I continue to “surrender and allow.” One young woman soon shares powerful feedback regarding the intense energy flow that she is experiencing as the angry density leaves my body.
Soon, two other women also share their feedback about the amazing things they felt while working with me.
“Keith,” I begin to share some frustration. “I know powerful things are happening inside of me, and I am deeply grateful for the assistance, but I am still so shutdown that I cannot feel any of the energy moving outside of my body.”
“I know that there is a great deal more that I need to heal – more dense energy still inside of me,” I add with intuitive insight. “Part of me wonders if my magic might be waiting until I complete more inner healing before it will allow me to fully open. It is as if I intuitively know that my magic is powerful and that I might do harm with it if I were to open up too much of it before I am fully healed myself.”
“That is called integrity.” Keith responds, congratulating me while simultaneously confirming my intuition.
Pressurized Bread Crumbs
After returning to my cushion by the kitchen door, I begin to ponder silently while continuing to watch the amazing energy movements inside of my body. For the first time in ages, I feel a swirling energy dancing around on the backside of my lower chakras, seemingly congratulating me for a job well done.
But very quickly I notice some very strange metaphorical sensations. As the left side of my heart begins to feel peaceful and relaxed, I experience odd pain-like pressures running up the middle of my sternum, stopping right at the center of my chest. Seconds later, I notice a line of mild pressure that stretches its way from the base of the sternum, down into the right side of my solar plexus.
“This metaphorical column of pressure leading down into the right side of my power-center is telling me that the power of my magic was shut down under the influence of overwhelming left-brain rational-mind logic and reasoning.” The Jedi voices suddenly whisper in my heart. “That logic and reason came from my mother.”
“Of course, that makes so much sense.” I ponder to myself.
Seconds later, another intuition instinctively guides me to move the pressurized energy out of the right side of my solar plexus, breathing it up into my heart. After a focused deep breath, my heart feels whole and my solar plexus remains pain free.
As Time Flows
I simply sit and integrate for the next two hours while the entire group remains. All of us are so overcome by the amazing peaceful energy that none of us want to leave.
“How is your little girl doing?” Keith eventually asks.
“She is doing much better,” I respond after meditatively checking in with my little inner child. “We built up a great deal of trust today, but we both know that we are not done yet – that there remains a lot more buried anger to deal with.”
“This is just the first phase of building trust in this new level of healing.” Keith confirms my intuition. “There will likely be more layers surfacing over time.”
In my heart, I intuitively recognize that I am dealing with a profound and very deep core issue – one that may take a while to work through – one that might be quite intense – but one that will bring huge healing as I pass through it.
But another peaceful part of me realizes that I need do nothing but follow and allow – that everything will unfold perfectly as time flows. I am so grateful that I am learning to simply follow, allow, and surrender.
Option Number Two
After giving Keith a big thank-you hug, he congratulates me on the powerful work that I did today.
Prior to this afternoon, I had no conceivable idea that such intense anger could possibly exist still hidden so deeply inside of me. Part of me wonders what else might remain hidden in that Pandora’s Box – a box that does not seem quite so frightening anymore.
Today was hugely powerful for me. Much integration remains, but I know I made an amazing start. I am eager to continue forward.
The first layer of anger has been replaced with loving peace and dancing energy, but I am eager and anxious to get on with additional layers.
After getting ready for bed, I ponder my options: meditate further into this unfolding process … or go to bed. Option number two quickly wins as I crawl under the covers and drift rapidly into dreamland.
An Applicable Dream
Early Monday morning I awaken from a strange dream. I am a youth approaching my family car that is parked on the left side of the road. Both the driver’s door and the left rear passenger door remain wide open and unprotected. As I glance up, I notice that my mother is walking away in the distance.
“Mom,” I call out loudly. “You left the car doors open.”
As she continues walking away, ignoring me, not hearing me, I glance back at the car and notice that a large video game (representing fun and play) has fallen off the rear seat onto the pavement below.
After awakening from the dream, meditative intuitions give me three quick and obvious interpretations – each of which makes a great deal of sense.
First, my childhood calls for help and understanding were never heard – or if they were heard, they were simply ignored.
Second, my mother was not the least bit interested in fun or play (video game), allowing fun things to fall by the wayside, out onto the street.
Third, the left-side car doors – doors left carelessly open and unattended – are associated with the right brain. It seems that right-brained, feminine, heart-based, intuitive, creative things were not protected or valued in my family. The doors on the right side (left brain, logic, intellect etc) were closed and securely protected.
Mirror Reflections
Rather than going back to bed after my dream, I begin to meditate, eager to find some closure to angry emotions.
As I further ponder regarding my mother, I find it difficult to access memories of us having any fun together during our early years. Of course she participated in family activities and played games with us etc, but try as I might, I cannot remember any fun times or memories that were randomly initiated by my mother. It seems that a buried angry part of me is literally blocking out any and all fun memories (if they happened) related to my mother.
I easily remember my mother’s serious side, but come up empty in the fun spontaneous realm. She did not thrive on the playful side of life and took her religious activities very seriously. She had a difficult childhood and was never a very good cook … and she nagged (micromanaged) me a lot.
“Oh my gosh,” I ponder in shock. “Did I become my mother?”
Repressed Memories
A few years ago, when I prepared to speak at my dear mother’s funeral about my memories of her life, I focused on recent adult memories – memories of how I had learned so much about unconditional love while interacting with her during her deteriorating states of dementia and Alzheimer’s. That speech was inspired and genuine – a pure loving tribute to a dedicated mother who unknowingly taught me how to love through our late-life interactions together.
Yet, even then, as I prepared that speech, I recall struggling to remember anything fun or humorous regarding her younger years.
I know she must have had a fun side to her, but my perceptions are clouded so deeply by childhood anger and repression that I simply cannot remember. If such memories do exist, they are suppressed so deeply that they are simply not accessible to me.
Erupting Emotions
As 7:30 a.m. comes and goes, I am immersed in a meditative struggle, searching to find happy memories with my mother, but the only memories that surface are painful ones – memories of hiding my true self from her – memories of my resentment and unexpressed anger – memories of a stern and serious mother nagging me to be good.
As I sit in numbness, I am in a mild state of shock, experiencing an emotional hangover of sorts. In desperation, I lightly pound my fist on a pillow, doing so only a few times.
Suddenly the angry sadness erupts like a pressurized volcano. For most of the next hour, I sob and shake. Tissues pile beside me as I go deeper and deeper into the next layer of this angry reservoir of buried emotion.
The jaw shaking and flashfloods of tears come in waves with occasional peaceful pauses. Then, without notice, another round of intense emotion presses its way to the surface of this pressurized volcano.
To The Core
“Isn’t there some ‘fun way’ to release this emotion?” I plead with the higher energies. “Can’t you help me do this in a less dramatic way?”
Each time I ask for a set of metaphorical keys to the fun bus, I sink deeper into yet-another wave of intense emotional release. It seems that my answer from the higher energies is “No. Right now you need to feel this new layer to the core … you need to cry it out the old fashioned way.”
From Sadness To Sleep
These waves of tears continue for a couple of hours. Through it all, I remain the conscious observer, unattached to what is happening while recognizing that the emotion is real – that it must be felt and released.
Over time, the anger merges with a layer of deep childhood sadness – sadness at having been programmed and turned into a logical robot – sadness at having been forced to give up my magical essence.
Finally, by mid-morning, I am so utterly exhausted that I crawl under the covers, lie back on my pillow, and drift to sleep. My body has reached its limit.
My Heart Says No
Around 3:00 p.m. on Monday afternoon, I finally wake up, wondering if more meditation and emotional processing might be appropriate. Immediately my head rebels, clearly insisting that there will not be any more inner journeying today. Instead, I spend the next four hours watching science documentaries. Somehow, the left-brain stimulation brings a temporary state of relief and release.
Tuesday morning begins in another state of numbness. After a morning of false starts, I begin my normal writing ritual. As 8:30 a.m. ticks away on the clock, the numbness wins. I am not feeling it – my heart is not present – and even though I really want to get some writing done today, I reluctantly honor a self-commitment that I will never write if my heart says no.
An Energy Play
Since writing stirs resistance, I pick up a couple of books with an intention to read. Again, I simply stare off into blank space.
“F-it all” I exclaim in numb frustration. Suddenly, I burst into a few minutes of jaw-shaking tears.
As the tears fade, the center of my head is light with energy – a delightful dizzy sensation that has been playing with me a great deal lately.
Surrendering to this magical energy, I eagerly begin to play with it while reclining on my daybed.
Experience Before Thought
“I want to connect to my shaman roots in another dimension.” I express my intent in energetic meditation. “I want to experience that shaman part of me in a way that I cannot deny.”
After having expressed my manifest intent, I simply allow the thoughts to flow. Soon I am floating back into memories of a past life regression where I was a fisherman in Lake Titicaca.
“Was I a shaman in that lifetime?” I ponder with curiosity.
A definitive answer never comes, but a part of me wants to believe that maybe this is true.
“You can’t think yourself into a right-brained experience.” An inner voice whispers. “It is only after actually having an experience that your logical mind can get involved with interpretation.”
It all seems so clear now. Of course, I could never think myself into understanding the ocean, or knowing what salt tastes like. The only way to do either is through actually experiencing it. Then later, if I so desire, I can engage rational mind in attempting to interpret or describe – but the understanding is only real if it is actually experienced.
Rest And Regroup
As I further ponder, my heart feels increasingly powerful – but is still accompanied by a slight pain on the right side – a pain intuitively reminding me that the left-brain is still dominating and repressing.
For several hours, I simply enjoy a vibration-fest of meditative playing in the delightful energies that now flow through nearly every portion of my body. It seems that I am being given a reprieve from processing – an opportunity to rest and regroup – an opportunity to build trust and to reconnect with Source.
Alternate Passions
Tuesday afternoon, I finally begin something I have resisted for nearly a year.
In August 2010, I literally devoured two books on Sacred Geometry during my Sun Course at Las Piramides. Ever since that time so long ago, a part of me has wanted to go back and reread those two books.
As I crack the cover of “The Ancient Secret of The Flower Of Life” by Drunvalo Melchizedek, I am intrigued from the first page. For nearly eight hours, I read almost nonstop, skipping dinner until nearly bedtime.
It seems that I learned another lesson today. When my heart is not into writing, it does not mean that I cannot be passionate about something else. I loved both the magical meditation time of the morning, and my long afternoon of reading. I cannot wait to read more when time permits.
Another Bubbling Layer
Early Wednesday morning, I am delighted by an opportunity to connect, via Skype, with a dear friend back in Michigan. As we begin to talk about recent events in her life, she insists that we first focus on me and on my intense journey of the past week.
To my surprise, our inspired discussion focuses a great deal on anger and the childhood conditioning through which we both passed. Many times during this profound two-hour conversation, I reach the edge of tears as my intuitive friend pokes and prods me into additional understanding about myself and about her own experiences with my mother.
When I say my goodbye, I am both eager and nervous about what I now know lies ahead. In just a few hours I will be entering the unknown journey of yet-another chocolate ceremony – and I now recognize that another angry layer is bubbling at the surface, just waiting for the opportunity to free itself from my energy field.
A Fascinating Journey
As I ponder the unknown future, I am indeed grateful for the quote from the “Oneness” book that I shared earlier. It is a quote that gives me courage to ignore intellectual resistance – a quote that inspires me to surrender and allow these emotions to run through me, experiencing them to the core.
I clearly recognize that I am dealing with a deep core issue – a dysfunctional belief system that has crippled me and repeated itself in various situations throughout my entire life. Intuitively, I know that this is an issue that I cannot solve on my own. It is one that I can only solve through the assistance and flow of higher energies and higher guidance.
With nervousness, eagerness, and trust, I surrender and allow, curiously anticipating just what might be next in this fascinating journey toward love and emotional freedom.
To be continued …
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved