As Friday morning meditation is about to begin, I briefly share with Keith about how I have been feeling quite tired, headachy, and unmotivated almost every evening this week.
“It is like I sink into a mild depression at the very moment that I click the publish button on my blog,” I share with Keith. “Can you give me any insights? Am I correct that this is some type of ego loop … or could I just be physically tired?”
“It stems from lack of validation as a child.” Keith shares confidently. “The pats on the back that you got were not what you needed or wanted.”
A Lifelong Pattern
“What I am experiencing is clearly a lifelong pattern.” I ponder during meditation. “When I accomplish something worthy of praise I initially feel extremely proud and excited by what I have done. Then I look around for some type of validating pat on the back. If I don’t get immediate and wonderful feedback, I begin to feel empty, sinking into a feeling of “what now? … perhaps nobody even cares.”
“The same thing is happening with my writing.” I clearly understand. “The moment I publish, I begin to wonder how my words will be received by others. I absolutely know with profound clarity that none of the praise matters – that the only true reason that I am writing any of this is for my own healing and integration – that I am writing it for me.”
But then ego jumps in and whines: “But where are your pats on the back?”
Beginning to understand the pattern brings such profound clarity.
Striking Contrast
Meditation continues to be an adventure in further exploring pains in my body. This morning I begin to profoundly recognize that each cell in my body is an individual conscious entity – each cell experiencing the cumulative effects of the unreleased emotional densities in my body.
“Many areas of my body are beginning to tingle and show signs of new energetic life.” I ponder with delight.
But I also notice the striking contrast of the areas that continue to feel energetically lifeless. This morning I am acutely aware that my fingers feel especially dead.
Crumbling Foundations
As I passionately write on Friday afternoon, another earthquake shakes my little apartment … this one registering a 4.5 on the Richter scale, with the epicenter being only about thirty miles away.
I giggle as I ponder how just fourteen months ago I had never consciously felt an earthquake. Now they seem to be such a common occurrence that I just smile and yawn. The world as I know it does indeed continue to be shaken up.
I love how the foundations of old dysfunctional blockages and belief systems are crumbling all around me – and rather than feeling destruction and devastation, I instead feel the joy of new life sprouting in fertile energetic soils.
Inner Ears Calling
As I meditate in bed at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning, my focus is suddenly pulled to the ringing in my ears. For approximately twenty years, my hearing has been “blessed” with the constant accompaniment of a faint high-pitched tone – the intensity of which varies occasionally. The shrill tone used to feel like a curse, driving me crazy, but I have now mostly learned to live without even paying attention to the ever-present squealing.
“I wonder if this tinnitus has a spiritual significance.” I begin to ponder.
“Of course it does.” I silently respond a few minutes later. “Everything in my body is conscious energy. Surely the noise is attempting to communicate a coded message – a message that the energies are trying to get me to listen to higher vibrations.”
I realize that the awareness is just budding, and I am eager and excited to explore the possibilities of further opening my spiritual hearing sensitivities. For now I will just be patient and follow the flow, while at the same time living each moment with a little more awareness.
Post-Publish Peace
Saturday turns into another beautiful day of meditating, writing, dinner with friends, and a movie. To my amazement, there is absolutely no “post-publish” depression when I finish my writing. In fact, I am more energized than ever.
Hellfire And Damnation
Halfway through a beautiful and relaxed Sunday morning the peaceful silence is suddenly interrupted by nearby loudspeakers. This ‘treat’ to which I am privileged to listen this morning is something new – something that I have only heard a couple of times in San Marcos, both being earlier this week.
It seems that there is a preacher in town, preaching from a pulpit less than seventy-five feet away, loudly screaming what seems to be an angry tirade of judgmental hatred.
“Hmmm,” I ponder to myself. “I wonder why I manifested such a real-life angry-preacher-on-a-soap-box into my life. This might get interesting.”
I have to admit that I cannot understand a single word that the preacher shouts. For all I know, his message may be one of love – but the energy I pick up on is one of deep manipulative hatred, all expressed in the name of God.
Simply giggling to myself, I tune the preaching out – but a part of me feels slightly triggered, letting me know that this metaphor was brought into my life for a reason. Only time will reveal the answer.
Clenching, Cramping, and Slumping
As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I sink into silent meditation. To my delight, I experience the sensation that the pain around my belly-button is dissolving and transmuting. My third-eye chakra continues to feel ‘cloudy’, but even there I am beginning to feel occasional hints of energy tickles.
But then one particular feeling raises its hand and calls out: “pick me … oh pick me.” This feeling is the awareness that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I focus, I continue to catch myself constantly clenching my feet, my hips, my hands, my shoulders, my jaw, my forehead … and the list goes on.
This conscious awareness takes me into deep memories of walking pigeon-toed throughout my teen years, and of how I have slumped over in chairs for my entire life – only being able to sit upright without back support for a couple of weeks now.
Safe From Something
“Brenda, go further into this metaphor.” Keith guides me when I eventually share with him the memories and feelings that parade through my mind.
“What do these body metaphors tell you about yourself?” Keith pushes me to find my own answer.
“It feels as if I have been bending forward, curving my legs in, protecting myself in some type of pseudo-fetal position.” The intuitions begin to flow. “It is as if I am trying to keep myself safe from something.”
“Even though my legs are relaxed and rested,” I tell Keith, “they are acting as if they are extremely exhausted and overstressed – as if I just ran a marathon.
“Follow this.” Keith urges me on. “Go deeper; see where it leads you. What are the shaking legs telling you?”
“I get the feeling of blocked energy.” I reply. “It is as if they have been under great stress trying to clench and block off the energy … yet there is also a great deal of fear beginning to manifest itself.”
Please Help Me
I suddenly regress to feel myself in a crib, curled up in a fetal position. I am trying to protect myself from what I now know are bombarding emotional energies – energies that hurt – energies causing me great physical discomfort and pain.
As Keith moves on to work with someone else, I follow my intuitions and lie down in a fetal position on my large overstuffed cushion – hoping to further connect with that little baby to whom my energies are so deeply connected.
Suddenly, deep and painful emotions push their way to the surface, causing present-day tears too flow – tears that quickly become profound-but-muffled sobs.
“This is too hard.” I feel my baby-self exclaiming in pain. “I don’t want to be here in this body. I want to go home. I didn’t know it would be this hard. It hurts … someone please help me.”
Unimaginable Pain
For at least thirty minutes I repeatedly cycle in and out of these excruciating emotions. The pain is so intense that I find it difficult to remain fully immersed in the regression – a regression that causes me to cry uncontrollably while experiencing the deep pain of that baby-me.
Periodically I “come up for air”, allowing myself a momentary breather while I briefly listen to events around me on Keith’s porch. Then I return right back into the depths of unimaginable pain.
Eventually, I sit back up. Waves of tears continue to periodically surface as I finally explain to Keith and to the rest of the group about what I am experiencing.
Undeniable Clarity
Many in the group surprise me when they express how they can deeply relate to what I am doing. My courage to process stimulates them to go even deeper into their own issues.
While continuing to mildly cycle through the painful tears, I sink back into meditation.
“I was extremely sensitive to the energies as a baby.” I ponder with undeniable clarity. “I have believed this to be the case … but now I absolutely know it to be true. What I have experienced today is undeniable, and inexplicably real.”
I ponder a photo of myself as a fourteen-month-old baby – one which I have been studying quite a lot lately.
“No wonder my eyes look so sad and stressed.” I ponder. “No wonder my eyebrows sag so much on the outside edges. I was clenching my forehead tightly, even at that tender young age.”
“I cannot remember a time in my life when I haven’t clenched my forehead and eyes.” I further ponder.
Releasing The Pain
The emotions that surge through my body are real and profound.
Intuitively I know that these are not present-day emotions. They actually are the emotions of this struggling young baby – me at such a young and tender age. There is no denying or doubting this fact. The inner knowing is simply too powerful to question.
After a while, as I feel that the emotional release has finally run its course, I begin to ask the higher light-energies to fill my body. As I do so, I gradually begin to feel two sharp pains forming at the extreme lower areas of my abdomen – one pain directly in the bladder area, the other at a mirrored location on the right side of the second chakra.
As I ponder the pain, it does not feel like resistance. Instead, I intuitively sense that the pain I experience is emotional density that is being released and transmuted. I relax into the pain and it grows even stronger – feeling very much like the tingling I have experienced in my spine and neck over the last few weeks.
Intuitive Confirmation
“Keith, can you confirm for me that this pain is part of the release process and not just me resisting something else?” I beg for intuitive confirmation.
“Yes,” Keith smiles, “that is what I am feeling too.”
“Bring in more light and see where this new process takes you.” Keith adds a new clue.
And The Message Is…?
As I focus on my process, I note with amusement that the porch seems to fall apart in a chaotic discussion. I have long since learned to expect bizarre interruptions during processing, and this one seems a likely candidate for more growth. I even participate briefly in the meaningless conversation – a discussion that endures for at least an hour.
Finally I sink back into meditation, tuning out the chaotic group energy, re-immersing myself in the glow of higher vibration energies.
In the meantime, a huge dog fight erupts just a short distance away out on the street. I simply smile, keep my eyes closed, and remember the junkyard dogs.
“Love yourself.” The love-starved dogs remind me. “Bring in more love.”
Suddenly Keith again interrupts the silence with meaningless chatter that is very off-topic.
“Keith,” I finally speak peacefully, “I’m getting the feeling that I created all of these distractions and dogs barking – and it definitely seems like you are intentionally feeding into the distractions.”
“Is that so?” I then ask with a grin.
Without answering me, Keith simply grins back with a sparkle in his eye. His non-answer confirms to me that he has indeed merely been following the energy.
I am quite proud of myself for how I have handled the previous hour. Being completely unattached, I have proven to myself that I can simply flow with what seems to be a useless time-waster in the middle of a deep emotional process – remaining totally at peace, simply loving what is.
I never do receive an answer from Keith – and I never encounter any type of startling growth that always follows such interruptions.
“I think my growth today,” I ponder with a giggle, “is simply the loving recognition that I remained peaceful and saw it all as my creation.”
If At First You Don’t Succeed …
“Is there some way to do this faster?” I ask Keith as I continue working on transmuting the pain in my lower second chakra.
“Bring in the light and ask it to show you.” Keith gives me a common non-answer, essentially reminding me that I can get the answer myself.
I first attempt to hook up a metaphorical fire hose to my abdomen, hoping to send the emotional densities straight out to the angels – but this metaphor falls completely flat. It will not work today.
Rather than getting discouraged, I regroup, reconnect with my intuitions, and ask the higher energies to give me a new metaphor.
“Pull the energy out by the roots and bring it up to your heart.” The inner voices whisper. “Then you can release it from there.”
Symbolic Release
Just as I had done on Wednesday with energetic blocks at the back of my heart, I reach down with my “energetic will” and begin to pull on the densities at the base of my second chakra. I actually feel the density begin to move, in a very painful way.
As the energies begin to rise, I first experience painful blobs passing through the solar plexus. Then I experience the pain moving into the sternum, where it momentarily seems to get uncomfortably stuck. Finally, I coax the energy to move into the heart.
A sensation of painful prickles consumes my heart as this energy is slowly transmuted and released out the front of my chest. Then, to my surprise, I feel some of the energy rising up into the front of my neck.
“Oh,” I think to myself, “I guess this energy wants to be released through the throat chakra.”
“Of course” I intuitively realize after a few more moments of pondering. “This energy was never allowed to express itself – and it needs to be released through the expressive chakra.”
Stuck In The Neck
The ongoing process of moving this density from the lower abdomen, up the front of my chest and then out through the front of my throat chakra, is quite slow, requiring great effort, pauses, and pain – but it is also amazing.
The transient nature of this pain again causes me to both giggle and squirm with discomfort. Even though the movement itself is quite painful, I am delighted by the manner in which I feel it actually moving.
The movement ebbs and flows in waves – waves that continue for over thirty minutes.
Finally, I feel an intuitive urge to sit up straight. As I do so, I notice that the emotional densities also begin to simultaneously move up the back of my spine. To my dismay, these spinal densities become stuck as they arrive at the back side of my neck. I attempt to make faint vocal sounds to vibrate them out – but my effort does not work well, leaving me feeling helpless with pain in my neck.
An Energy Glove
“You’re done with this part of the release.” An intuitive voice whispers silently. “It is time to wake up from your painful lower-energy dream and return to a higher vibration state.”
To my surprise, releasing myself from the grip of the painful emotions is much easier than expected. As I focus on metaphors like The Muppet Show, and sitting on the front row of my theater, I am soon completely detached from what I have previously been experiencing – feeling a great deal of energetic clarity.
Almost immediately, I focus on bringing in more divine energy from below. To my delight I quickly begin to experience the energy rise up the sides of my abdomen as well. Soon the energy encompasses me like a custom-fitted glove, embracing my lower abdomen and then my chest from all sides.
This delightful energy flow completely engulfs me, rising all the way to my neck where I suddenly say “Ouch!”
Insincere Lip-Service
To my dismay, when the energy hits my neck, it again pools in a very painful way right at the back center of my throat chakra.
Every effort to move the energy beyond this block, in any direction, fails painfully.
“This blockage is an energy gatekeeper.” Intuitions clearly tell me.
Believing that I know what to do, I call a meeting in my inner conference room and invite both little Sharon and this gatekeeper energy to join me.
I quickly express love and gratitude for how the gatekeeper has protected me all these years, keeping me alive and safe from energy flow and expressions that would have gotten me into serious problems during earlier periods of my life.
I then ask if this gatekeeper is willing to talk to Higher Self for job retraining.
The response I receive is a huge ‘nothing’. The energy seems to just stare at me, refusing to budge, acting as if it does not even hear me.
In retrospect, I later realize that my words were insincere and almost memorized – an embarrassing portrayal of patronizing lip service. I had never taken even one second to genuinely connect with the energy to which I was talking – to find out who it is, why it is there, and how it feels.
What He Wants
“Keith” I beg for assistance. “I have this block in my neck and I am stuck.”
“Go into it and find out what it is.” Keith guides me.
“I did that and I already know it is a gatekeeper energy.” I respond in helpless frustration.
“Ask him if he is ready for retraining by Higher Self.” Keith again gives me expected guidance.
“I tried that too, but I am feeling very strong resistance on the energy’s part.” I respond with a feeling of futility.
“Ask him what he wants?” Keith quickly returns the ball to my court.
Building Trust
I initially resist Keith’s instructions, but soon realize that I have been an insensitive bully with this energy, not really even talking to it.
“He wants more time,” I eventually share with Keith. “He wants me to back off, to not pressure him, to give him time to build trust and to watch what I do with that trust.”
“I don’t feel inclined to push him right now.” I continue. “I feel that I should simply wait and build this trust for another day.”
Gatekeeper Explained
As Sunday evening rapidly approaches, I end my time on the porch engaged in a short conversation with Serg. He is confused by my process and desires a little clarity.
“This gatekeeper part of me protected me and kept me alive.” I explain to Serg. “It is a part of my energy that I put in charge of restricting the energy flow. He kept me from getting into more trouble by expressing the energies that were flowing through me. He lovingly blocked that expression in an attempt to keep me safe.”
I further explain to Serg that the types of energies blocked from expression were sexual, creative, empathic, and every other type of higher-energy expression that would have been rejected by family and culture at the time.
“And this block is extremely strong.” I express to Serg as I continue to feel the physical effects of residual painful energy that was not allowed to flow from the second chakra through my neck.
Even as I walk home, eat dinner, and prepare for bed, the painful blockages remain in place at the back of my neck.
Earning Trust
Monday morning I wake up at 4:45 a.m. to the sound of noisy roosters crowing: “Brenda, wake up from the dream.”
I meditate for a while continuing to feel nice energies stirring throughout my body in almost every place except my neck.
The neck remains painfully blocked at the back. I desperately want to yank the pain right out … to forcefully use my will to energetically pull and pull until I can use light cannons to tear that gate off its hinges.
But instead, I remember that just last evening, this pain-causing energy had asked me to build trust, to give it a little more time for pondering and integration.
“I will try to be patient,” I reassure myself while my neck still throbs with pain. “I will tolerate this pain for a little longer, remaining in the flow of my Higher Self, trusting that all is exactly as it should be.”
The Executioner
As I immerse myself in Monday morning meditation on Keith’s porch, a burst of insight suddenly surges through my consciousness.
“This gatekeeper energy in my neck is none other than ‘The Executioner’ about which I will be writing tomorrow.
Those experiences over five weeks ago had been profound and emotionally gut-wrenching. I am astounded by the timing of how the flow has again caused me to reencounter this energy with such precise timing – just in time to remind me of what I am about to integrate with written words.
“This energy is the same energy that I literally asked to strangle me … to choke my life force … to literally kill my divine connections when I was a child.” I ponder with deep insight. “This energy is the one that I asked to help me commit energetic suicide.”
Meaningless Meditative Homage
Again I begin to give mere meditative lip-service to this executioner energy, quickly thanking it for performing such a horrible task to save my life.
“Had this not happened when I was a child,” I ponder, “I surely would have been energetically scarred for life.”
A Beastly Image
Suddenly a powerful image floods my mind, bringing this meaningless mind chatter into the realm of profound and meaningful metaphors.
To my shock, I suddenly see this executioner energy as “The Beast” in the Walt Disney “Beauty and the Beast” movie.
The Beast is full size, as if in real life, standing directly in front of me. He faces me and stares longingly into my eyes while holding his huge hairy hands around my neck. Squeezing tightly, the Beast continues to lovingly choke me, honoring a request that I had once asked him to fulfill.
A Heartfelt Plea
As I look into his eyes, I try to access a feeling of unconditional love, but the only emotions I can feel are the fear and shock of being strangled.
“I know I needed this.” I remind myself. “I know it was my path – a path that literally saved me – a path that had to happen.”
Finally I am able to access a small amount of love and compassion.
“Thank you for completing such a horrendous job.” I lovingly tell the Beast. “You can let go now … I love you … I am grateful for what you have done … but I have now learned enough.”
“Please,” I feel the Beast respond pleadingly, “I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.”
“Oh, but I do love you,” I reply innocently, “and there is nothing to forgive, I am deeply grateful for … blah blah blah”
A Thankless Task
Suddenly, as I honestly examine my emotions, I realize that I am again only giving lip-service to this loving Beast. I want to mean what I am saying, but a part of me knows that it is a lie.
I ponder the pain in my neck, recognizing that it is indeed a manifestation of deep self-hatred – hatred at this part of me, anger at this Beast in me that has choked my energies all of these years.
As I admit the existence of this hate and anger, I unexpectedly melt into it, feeling it to the core. As I attempt to release it, deep gushing tears pour through my eyes. I am in meditation and don’t wish to disturb those on the porch, but these tears must flow.
With muffled sobs and teeth chattering, I leave my meditation position and instead curl up in an upright fetal position. For the next thirty minutes I go in and out of this deep-but-quiet emotional release.
I allow myself to again experience the horror of that poor Beast’s thankless task – a task of being asked to energetically strangle me for all of these years while desperately hoping that I will not hate him or disown him, all the while longing to know that I will still love him.
From Both Sides
As my tears begin to thin out, I attempt to imagine this hairy Beast turning into my loving prince, blending happily-ever-after with my own energy. As hard as I try, I can still only visualize the Beast. This handsome prince yet remains to be loved and kissed.
More clearly than ever, I recognize that the Beast that lives in my solar plexus – the one to whom my heart is so terrified of loving – is the same one that is also squeezing my neck. At my request, this loving energy has protected my tender heart from both sides of my life-force energy flow.
Basking In The Glow
When the tears finally fade to nothingness, I feel exhausted, limp, and numb. I continue to be lost in the emotion – the emotional shock of what just unfolded metaphorically before me.
“It is time to bring in the light.” I tell myself. “It is time to wake up from this nested nightmare and return to the higher energies on this magical porch.”
After about ten minutes of focused and loving concentration, the excruciating emotions have finally faded, leaving me once again basking in the glow of divine light.
I eagerly await the end of meditation so that I can share the story of my amazing journey with Keith.
Joyful Laughter
As I spend the rest of Monday writing, I briefly ponder regarding the experience.
Intuition first tells me that the block remains in place. Another little feeling then whispers “This block will need to be released through joyful giggles and laughter.”
Meditating Solo
Early the next morning, Tuesday, June 7, I awaken and begin my own ninety-minute meditation at 5:40 a.m.. Keith has felt guided to rearrange his schedule to free up more morning time for himself. The timing of his schedule change could not have been more perfect.
I have been craving the opportunity to try these morning meditations on my own, starting them as soon as I wake up. I too yearn for the additional flexibility and free time. Today marks the beginning of a new era. I am starting what I expect will become a lifelong habit of meditating in the mornings on a regular basis – doing so by myself.
“You’re going to fail if you try to get up this early with no structure.” Ego voices laugh in my face. You know you have never been able to get yourself to meditate on a regular basis by yourself … blah … blah … blah.”
I simply smile back at ego and proceed to have a fabulous solo meditation.
Giggling Bubbles
As I ponder the ongoing pain in the back of my neck, I suddenly realize that the pain is on the receptive side of my throat chakra.
“I have been focusing entirely on the back of my neck.” I suddenly begin to ponder. “But I’m not sure if I have ever felt a significant energy flow in the front of my neck. The front of my throat chakra must be totally blocked.”
Moments later I call in the assistance of divine light before asking little Sharon and Bobby to bring their magic wands. We are going to have a giggle party while we focus on opening the front of the throat chakra.
As I bring in the light for guidance, I imagine little Sharon and Bobby running all over the inside of my throat, joyfully poking their wands into the density-clogged tissues of my neck. Each poke of the wand causes magical little bubbles to form – bubbles that dissolve away the blockages of emotional density – bubbles that I can actually feel physically in the form of energetic tingling.
He Sacrificed Himself
Later in the meditation, I recognize that my shoulders begin to ache, and that the pain at the back of my neck remains.
“This is still the Beast requesting more love.” I intuitively know. “He feels so horrible and unloved for doing what he has done for me all of these years.”
“He really did sacrifice himself for me.” I ponder with surprise. “Just like the Beast in the Disney movie, he has given up, letting me go, believing that he is forever cursed to remain a Beast.”
A Broken Heart
As I leave meditation and begin writing on Tuesday morning, I deeply recognize that much healing remains to be done – much trust remains to be built. But I am well on my way toward learning to love and forgive that very loveable Beast – releasing him once and for all from his horrible duties.
The timing is amazing as I spend twelve long hours writing a blog titled “A Broken Heart” – an excruciating and loving story of how I first came to recognize that executioner energy on April 30 – of when I first began this phase of an amazing adventure that has led to the present ongoing reconciliation.
Yes, now I fully recognize how this Beast’s heart has been broken – how he is starving for love.
Learning To Love
No, I am not fully there yet. Even this afternoon, while writing in the present day, I again cried streams of tears as I momentarily experienced myself staring into the eyes of this beautiful Beast.
“Please,” I again felt the Beast’s genuine and heartfelt plea, “I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.”
Something tells me that I am quite close to finding that inner self-love – that golden buried treasure that will once again allow the energies to flow.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved