As I sit meditating on Keith’s porch, early on Saturday morning, May 28, I shock myself when I am able to sit upright for the entire first hour – all without moving my legs and without any type of back support.
I repeatedly push through the pains – pains that are frequent and at times quite intense.
“These pains are nothing but emotional densities.” I constantly remind myself. “They are composed of fear and self-hatred, deposited throughout my body after a lifetime of emotional struggle.”
As I watch these pains, sinking into them and allowing them to consume me, I begin to feel them physically dissolve. To my amazement, the pains literally seem to transform into bubbles that then drift up my spine, disappearing as they rise, leaving behind a feeling of clarity where there was once only stagnation and stiffness. I actually feel the tingling bubbles as a real physical sensation in my spine.
Eventually, the pain disappears from my back and migrates into my hips.
“My hips are a major source of blockage in my body.” An intuition suddenly whispers. “They too are completely covered by layer after layer of dried and petrified self-hatred – causing the muscles and joints to stick and resist.”
I also note that I feel almost no energy flow in my root chakra. I have been so focused on heart, solar plexus, and third-eye that I had not even noticed.
Shaken But Not Stirred
Later Saturday evening, as I drift off to sleep, I again play with the bubbles in my back. Delight fills my heart as I ponder the unfolding progress. My back feels so much lighter and more flexible than it did just a couple of weeks ago.
Soon I am sound asleep as the final Saturday of May drifts into the history books.
Sunday morning, in the middle of a beautiful Skype conversation, a moderate earthquake rumbles through the area – lasting for nearly thirty seconds.
“I love the metaphor that my life is once again being shaken up.” I ponder with delight before heading off to the shower.
Increasing Pains
“Wow, Brenda” Keith comments as the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins. “You are really in a good energy today.”
Yes, my heart is alive and vibrating as I sit on my favorite magical porch. I feel invincible, ready to take on the world with love.
I soon begin to meditate without back support – something I have not done in a chocolate ceremony for a very long time. To my dismay I begin to experience considerable sharp pains in the spine, directly behind my heart and between the shoulder blades.
“This must just be aching muscles from meditating in a different position.” Logical mind attempts to rationalize.
But even twenty minutes later, after leaning back and completely relaxing against the wall, the pain refuses to dissipate. In fact the aching actually grows stronger.
Love, Expression, And Power
Soon, I notice a mild energy presence surfacing at the lower front of my throat chakra. Then an even stronger pain begins to manifest itself in the lower solar plexus, right behind and above the belly button.
“Hmmm,” I think to myself, “… heart, throat, and solar plexus … I wonder what is going on here?”
“I know the back of the heart is my receptive side.” I further ponder, “This would imply receiving love … and the other pains would be associated with expression and power … but I am so confused. What does it all mean?”
An Unloved Outcast
“Can you help me understand what I am feeling?” I finally beg Keith for insight.
“Brenda,” Keith gives me a profound clue, “I’m getting the guidance to suggest to you the metaphor of being ‘patted on the back’.”
“Ouch!” I exclaim as pains suddenly surge in my body, powerfully confirming the truth of Keith’s inspired hint.
“I was praised on a frequent basis during my youth.” I immediately share with painful clarity. “I always received awards, praise, congratulations etc… but such loving pats on the back subconsciously felt like manipulative handcuffs.”
On the one hand, the praise was wonderful. I sought it out, time and time again. In fact, those ‘pats on the back” were quite addictive.
On the other, I knew that I did not deserve it. The praise only served to remind me that I was a hypocrite. If my parents and leaders really knew what was going on inside my heart they would be disgusted. The ‘pats on the back’ felt like golden handcuffs – handcuffs that forced me to continue performing and earning even more praise so that I would not outwardly disappoint those who loved me.
Yes, the only love I could allow myself to receive, felt as if it were deeply conditional. I had no power to express what was really going on in my heart. To do so would cause those loving ‘pats-on-my-back’ to cease. To access power and to express my true heart would turn me into an unloved outcast.
Rats, Dogs, And Pigeons
As I follow this metaphor deeper and deeper into my process, the energetic pressure in my throat chakra continues to increase. Not being painful, it feels as if some type of energy is pressing in, gently squeezing me to make its presence profoundly known. Simultaneously the pain in my abdomen greatly intensifies and spreads to fill the entire solar plexus.
“The praise I received came with powerful hidden intentions.” Intuitions take me ever deeper into the metaphor. “The intentions were designed to create and reinforce similar behavior in the future.”
I begin to realize that I was literally programmed to act and behave in certain external ways – all to receive my reward. As I briefly reflect on University studies about psychological experiments in behavioral therapy, I suddenly see myself as being just like the rats, dogs, and pigeons that were behaviorally conditioned to respond in certain ways.
Conditional Rewards
“But I loved my mother so unconditionally.” I ponder with shock. “I have several powerful memories of squeezing my little arms around her neck, saying ‘I love you mommy’ – and I really meant it with all of my heart.”
As I go deeper in thought, a profound realization settles in. Yes, I remember receiving unconditional love, and it was real … but these memories are all from sometime prior to age five. When I get into the realm of kindergarten and elementary school, I can longer identify any such memories. By that age, I was already seeking conditional rewards.
Of course, I knew I was loved during those years, but I remember feeling as if I had to earn that love – to constantly prove myself worthy of that love via the actions that I performed in order to please.
A Reservoir Of Anger
Even with all the powerful insights flooding my mind, the agonizing pain in the back of my heart chakra only intensifies – letting me know that I am getting closer to the answers, but that I am not there yet.
I begin to sense a reservoir of internal anger – anger about how the praise had been so subtly controlling and manipulating.
Instinctively, I shift positions, getting on my hands and knees as I contemplate the possibility of experientially accessing some of this buried anger.
“Perhaps punching a few pillows will pop the cork on this painful reservoir of anger.” I ponder briefly.
“Do I need to cry this out?” I first beg Keith for answers. “I would love to find another way.”
Weak Love
“Connect with the higher energies.” Keith immediately guides me.
As I attempt to allow divine light and energy to fill my body, I shift my meditation into a new direction, paying closer attention to everything around me. Suddenly, some dogs begin to bark loudly out on the street.
“Love yourself!” I ponder joyfully as the dogs remind me of prior inner symbolism.
As I immediately focus on sending unconditional love to a love-starved tummy, I am again whisked off to another profound metaphor – that of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ – reminding me that self-love is the key to healing this inner feud.
To my surprise, I note that my heart feels quite weak – that the love I send seems to be without power. I feel the mild energy in my heart, but intuitively recognize that it is not being received by my solar plexus.
“My dearest solar plexus,” I speak silently to my own inner energies, “I am sending you lots of unconditional love so that you can learn to trust me – so that you can heal yourself and your relationship with me.”
Hypocrisy Revealed
“Whoa,” I suddenly come to my senses.”
“I am sending love to my solar plexus as an attempt to teach, to manipulate and to control.” I ponder with amazement. “Even my own love comes complete with a set of subtle well-intentioned golden handcuffs. I am patting my solar plexus on the back with the intention that it will first heal itself and then love me in return.”
I have often pointed out to others that if love has any type of conditions, then it is not really love, but is instead a form of control and manipulation. The only real love is that which has no conditions, none whatsoever. Divine unconditional love simply “is”, simply loving no matter what.
“I am being a hypocrite within my own body.” I suddenly realize. “I don’t even know how to truly love unconditionally on the inside. If I can’t learn to do it within my own body how could I ever profess to have an unconditionally loving relationship out in the world?”
“I will simply love my solar plexus, no matter how it may or may not respond.” I ponder, feeling deeply humbled.
Sitting Together, Watching
“Help me Keith,” I plead. “I don’t know how to love my solar plexus in an unconditional way.”
With Keith’s guidance, I make a heartfelt appeal to my Higher Self, asking to be taught. Soon I am metaphorically visiting with my solar plexus, first asking for its forgiveness.
“Would you allow me to sit here with you?” I humbly ask my solar plexus. “Can we both just sit here together while we jointly observe the changes that take place in my heart above?”
Goddesses Operating Table
For the next couple of hours, my solar plexus and I sit in quiet meditation, passively observing what happens. I experience waves of powerful tingling energy – energy that seems to be working all over throughout the heart chakra region. Much of the energy vibrations initially feel quite painful and frightening – similar to the pain as when blood rushes back into a sleeping foot.
Intuitively I understand that energy is returning to areas that have been asleep for decades. In all of my energy-filled meditations I have never before felt such a powerful opening process, especially in the collarbone area.
The energy does not enter or leave my body – it simply works within. Metaphorically I imagine hundreds of angels running around in my chest cavity, adjusting pluming and using pipe cleaners to remove clogs and to open collapsed pipes.
A New Level
“What do I do now?” I eventually open my eyes and ask Keith, feeling as if this portion of my process has now reached completion.
“Connect with your Higher Self,” Keith guides me lovingly. “Ask to be taken to another level.”
Immediately the powerful and delightful tingling in my heart chakra again consumes me, continuing on for another hour or so.
I absolutely love the feeling of such profound energy movement.
Little Blue Ribbons
Not only am I tickled by the energies, but my soul is also deeply “tickled” by the progress that I am making on my healing journey.
As I drift off to sleep on Sunday evening, I feel astounded at how the Universe continues to bring me yet-another unique viewpoint into how the shutdown of my magical energies was accomplished.
Yes, as a child I received abundant praise and pats on the back. But in profoundly subtle ways, such love was conditioned with hidden intentions, causing me to slowly sacrifice the “knowing in my heart” for the little blue ribbons of praise and loving reward.
El Fin De Mayo
After another small early-morning earthquake tremor shakes my bed, Monday is mostly consumed with eleven hours of writing – eleven long hours filled with emotional struggle. Words do not flow smoothly. As I write about ego and the loops in which I constantly get lost, ego cleverly attempts to get in the way.
Tuesday, the final day of May, is another beautiful day of meditation and writing. I continue to make great progress in releasing physical pains in my spine and hips – doing so through the meditative practice of watching self-hatred dissolve away in little bubbles. The process is indeed becoming quite fun – and meditating in an upright position without back support becomes ever-easier.
A Dragging Heart
Wednesday morning, the first day of June, finds me again looping in ego – feeling exhausted, choosing to stare blankly at a computer screen.
Bizarrely enough, I clearly recognize that I am in an ego loop, but feel powerless to extract myself from it, even when trying to slip into observation mode.
“Spirituality is too much work.” I ponder numbly. “I am feeling drained. I am such a failure at this. I don’t want to expend the effort required to pull myself out of this exhausting loop.”
After an hour of weakly watching ego voices, I finally do some reading – but I literally have to force myself to do so. My heart is dragging. I look forward to the afternoon chocolate ceremony, hoping desperately that something will jumpstart me back into the light.
A Lifeless Heart
As I meditate during the early portions of the chocolate ceremony, I proudly congratulate myself for at least recognizing that I am in an ego loop – for never losing sight of that fact.
Yet meditation continues to be difficult, filled with constant distractions. I wish I could make progress on my third-eye and lower-chakra blockages. I feel helplessly stuck in meaningless chatter that laughs at me, telling me I don’t know how to proceed, that I am a failure, that I cannot do this.
As I meditate on my desires to make further progress, my heart again feels energetically dead.
A Firm Grasp
“Help, I am really stuck.” I exclaim to Keith after filling him in on my feelings of helpless looping in ego resistance.
“This must be something really big if ego is putting up such resistance.” Keith lovingly reassures me.
“Find the curtain and pull it back.” Keith wastes no time putting me straight to work, at the same time recalling one of my favorite metaphors from the movie “The Wizard of Oz.”
“Who is that voice and where is its power?” Keith continues.
“That little old wizard from Kansas has no power over me,” I tell myself weakly, “except the power that I gave to him.”
But I remain unconvinced … ego does indeed have a firm grasp on my heart.
Enchanted Poppies
Struggling to break free, I imagine myself back on the front row of my private theater, watching the movie in front of me.
As I observe my personality-self struggling to wake up, I watch with surprise as feelings of exhaustion pull me even deeper into the sleepiness. Then an unexpected visual pops up on the movie screen.
I see myself as Dorothy, walking through the huge poppy field in the Wizard of Oz. The poppies are the voice of ego, casting a sleeping-spell over me, convincing me I will never wake up.
Somehow, this new visual metaphor gives me the power to break free of the sleepiness and to reengage Keith in conversation.
Big Burley Bodyguards
“My heart literally feels as if it is being squashed.” I explain to Keith. “I want to expand my heart, to bring in more energy and love, but I feel as if someone is sitting on it, restricting my ability to function.”
“Close your eyes,” Keith tells me, “and go into your heart. Feel it and understand what this is about.”
As I energetically connect with my heart, another strong visual pops into my mind. There is a row of huge burly bodyguards surrounding my entire heart, forming a large protective circle.
“That’s dumb.” A voice pops into my head. “You have used a similar metaphor before. This is not original. It will not work.”
I ignore this obvious voice of ego doubt, confidently telling Keith what I have found.
“I don’t feel as much resistance from these guys as I did from the last bodyguard that I encountered in meditation.” I tell Keith. “But these guys are big and strong, doing their jobs with power.”
“Go talk to one of them.” Keith guides me in the obvious.
“He seems quite nice.” I tell Keith a minute later. “He is very willing to talk to me.”
“Is he ready to consider getting a new job description from Higher Self?” Keith again leads me down a familiar path.
“Yes, he is,” I speak up a few minutes later, “but there is a great deal of fear and uncertainty.”
“You know what to do.” Keith coaches me as he moves on to work with someone else.
Frightening Fear
Soon I have invited my inner children – both Sharon and Bobby – to help me. The two of them grab the hands of my friend, the bodyguard, one on either side. My dear little children then begin to tug and pull on this big burley guys hands, attempting to coax him to follow them out to the beautiful meadow behind my heart.
We all want him to go have a chat with Higher Self – and this meadow behind a metaphorical door in the back of my heart chakra has been a favorite spot for such chats in the past.
Immediately I sense the big guy freeze up with fear. He wants to go with my children, but is terrified to leave his post.
Fearful emotion simultaneously overwhelms me and I begin to sob deeply – as quietly as I can do so. Rivers run down my cheeks and my teeth chatter in waves. I soon pull a large scarf over my head, sinking deeper into the pain, crying out wave after wave of this frightening fear.
A House Call
“Rather than taking him out to the meadow,” Keith briefly advises me, “ask your Higher Self come to him, right where he is at. Have your Higher Self show him a movie of your healing progress and then talk to him – doing it all right there by your heart.”
For thirty minutes, I silently observe as Higher Self makes this personal house call, reminding the bodyguard that we love him, thanking him for keeping us safe, alive, and protected during these extremely difficult years – but then telling him that now is the time for all of us to allow the energies of my heart to step up a level.
The Divine Mother
“Brenda, ask the bodyguards to make an intermediate adjustment for now.” Keith briefly coaches me before again moving on. “Ask them to continue keeping all of the negative energies out of your heart, but to begin allowing unconditional love to come through.”
As I focus on this beautiful process, starting to feel the loving agreement and cooperation of my bodyguards, I continue to pay attention to the ongoing work of others around me.
“You are feeling the divine mother holding you.” I hear Keith tell one beautiful woman from Russia.
Suddenly I take this as a profound clue in my own process, realizing that I want to feel the divine mother holding me. I want to feel the warm embrace of this beautiful unconditional loving energy that I should now be able to feel in my heart.
As I meditatively relax into her arms, visualizing myself being held in this beautiful love, I feel … well … I uh … I feel … absolutely nothing.
All Or Nothing
It seems that I feel the metaphorical presence of an impenetrable steel plate lining the back of my heart – one that continues to prevent me from allowing the love in. The plate feels quite painful and I begin to cry profusely as I again sink down the emotional rabbit hole.
“I don’t even know how to let the divine mother love me.” I sink into painful hopelessness. “I am incapable of allowing that unconditional love.”
I intuitively recognize that I am blocking the love because of fear. The only love I know how to receive is conditional. This new type of love is strangely frightening.
Those metaphorical bodyguards continue to tightly protect an extremely guarded heart. It seems that I am so absolutely terrified of having my heart broken by fake conditional love that I continue to have huge walls protecting me from all types of love.
An Unexpected Detour
“I don’t know if I have ever felt unconditional love in my entire life?” I begin to ponder. “Yes, there are many times when I have believed myself to feel this type of love … but do I really know what it is?”
As these thoughts flood my mind, I suddenly regress into the body of a very young child, much less then age three. In fact, I feel as if I am inside the body of a small baby – a baby desperately wanting to feel loved by my mother, but not feeling that love. What I do feel has conditions, it hurts deeply, and it is not pleasant.
In this midst of this profound and unexpected meditative detour, I bend over at the waist and begin to cry with deep gut-wrenching sobs – once more trying to remain as quiet and un-dramatic as possible while my teeth chatter uncontrollably and the streaming tears saturate my straggly hair.
For twenty minutes I cry alone while sinking deeper into this profound and very-real metaphor. I literally feel the intense emotional pain of this little baby – I literally am this little baby. It is all undeniably real. I may not be able to put forth any physical evidence to back up the claim, but the experience is far too real to be able to doubt any of it.
Overwhelming Waves
In the midst of my sobbing, insights continue flooding my mind. I clearly see a metaphor that Keith has often used – one of love being like ripples on a smooth glass-like pond. I feel like this little baby’s pond is overwhelmed by huge emotional waves of pain – agitation so powerful that the calm ripples of unconditional love are completely drowned out.
This poor little baby-me desperately craves to feel the love, but all I can feel is the intense pain. I am so energetically sensitive to everything going on around me that I cannot find the calm and still loving waters.
Love Equals Pain
“What you are experiencing is very real.” Keith reassures me when he finally returns to work with me. “You are feeling the emotional pain of your mother.”
He explains that my mother did indeed love me unconditionally, but that I was a very empathic little baby, and that I literally experienced the emotional pain of everyone around me, in a profoundly physical way.
“This is how it feels to a child,” Keith guides me, “when they are being told that they are being loved, but all they can feel is pain.”
In a very literal way, my perception of love was that “love hurts – that I cannot be loved without feeling deep pain.”
Looping Emotions
Keith explains that my mother’s love was there all along – that she indeed loved me unconditionally – but her emotions literally overwhelmed my sensitivities, drowning out my capacity to feel the underlying love.
Yes, in the midst of this powerful regression I profoundly ‘get it’. I was a very magical little child. Right now I am literally feeling, in a very physical way, the frustration, insecurity, fear, inadequacy, doubt, and sadness. These were all the emotions of my mother struggling with the frustrations of how to love and calm down a screaming baby – a baby crying for absolutely no reason at all.
The more my mother struggled with helping me, the more I felt the pain and cried. The more I cried, the more she struggled to help me.
Profuse Prickly Pain
I attempt to visualize my dear mother holding me, loving me, nursing me, changing my diaper, anything at all … but no matter how hard I try, the only thing that comes into my mind is my dear mother’s stress, her pain, her self-doubt, her body-insecurities, and her panic over not knowing how to calm down a baby that cries so much.
Try as I might, I simply cannot feel myself as being loved in my mother’s arms.
Logically, I know I was loved deeply – but I feel a sharp and profound pain right at the center of my heart chakra – right on top of the sternum. The pain is focused at the exact spot where I have often felt the sensation of a “nail-in-the-heart” – but this time the excruciating pain reaches several inches above and below this spot. It is an aching, sharp, and prickly pain that hurts profusely.
Feeling The Love
“Ask the angels to come in and to temporarily lift the perceptions of your mother’s unhealed emotions,” Keith guides me, “so that you, as a baby, are able to perceive that there really was a deep unconditional love.”
I struggle with this guidance for over half an hour. The physical pain is so strong, the fear so pervasive, that I am incapable of allowing the angels to lift those painful perceptions, incapable of allowing the love to be felt.
Keith soon guides two women to come over to assist, one doing a little energy work, the other using her empath skills, both holding a beautiful loving space. Finally, I can feel it … I, as that little baby, can feel my mother’s love.
Painful And Locked
“Now, energetically release some of the pain.” Keith guides me to begin letting go of the intense reservoir of emotional density stored away by that tiny baby.
During the first phases I feel next to nothing … the pain is in my sternum is so intense that gradual reductions seem insignificant, continuing to be drowned out by the large waves of pain.
Little by little, I begin to release enough of the excruciating pain that I can feel the differences as they gradually progress.
The agonizing pain in my sternum subsides, ever so slowly. This poor little baby of mine felt martyred, as if a nail had been literally stabbed into his heart, telling him that love equals pain.
Finally, the pain in the front of my chest has vanished almost completely, and I feel as if I have experienced significant sensations of my mother’s genuine love. But intense pain in the back of my heart continues to rage relentlessly – the steel plate at the back of my heart is painful and locked.
Energetic, Not Physical
“Could this pain be physical?” I beg Keith for some way to help me release it. “Do you think a physical adjustment might be appropriate?”
After a quick check that says “yes, we can try it,” I lie face down on a row of cushions. Keith quickly pops several of my ribs – but the strongest pains at the back of my heart remain untouched.
“Sorry Brenda,” Keith breaks the news. “My guidance is that the remainder is still energetic.”
An Agonizing Blockage
“You need to actively go in and grab that pain in your back,” Keith guides me to go deep into meditation. “Energetically pull it out by the roots in whatever way you can.”
This whole experience is remarkably similar to one I had just four weeks ago when my left shoulder blade was killing me. But in other ways it is quite different. This meditation today feels active, like I am pushing and forcing the flow.
I cannot explain how I know what to do, but I use my will to energetically pull density out of the back of my heart. The process is intense and excruciating. I can literally feel the pain slowly leave the back side of my heart in small energetic waves, first entering my spine, next rising up my back, and then getting stuck, right at the rear center of my neck.
The pain at the blockage in my neck is intense and agonizing. Try as I might, I cannot coax the pain to rise any higher. My logical mind tells me I have to do it like I did four weeks ago, coaxing the pain to leave through the crown chakra.
Undeniably Real
“Brenda,” Keith briefly jumps in to guide me, “try transmuting the density directly in your throat chakra.”
For the next hour I work as hard as I have ever worked in my life. Repeatedly I energetically grab and suck painful densities out of the back of my heart, slowly coax them up to my neck (where they hurt intensely) and then use barely-audible throat vibrations to transmute them.
Sometimes I do the transmuting with heavy breathing that creates a mild vibration in my throat. Other times I make quiet oohhmming sounds. Each and every time, I find it quite difficult to coax the energy to dissolve once it has lodged itself in my neck.
Pulling it out of my heart seems easy. I literally experience the sensation that I am pulling out clogged roots – deeply releasing root systems that have completely encased the receptive side of my heart – preventing energies of any kind from entering.
Based on what I physically experience, I absolutely know that what I am feeling is undeniably real. There is no room for logical doubts.
Do As I’m Doing
At times joyful tears overwhelm me as I sense higher energies filling spaces left empty in the back of my heart, neck, and head. Then I lose contact with those light energies and go back into the deep painful work of pulling out more emotional densities.
It is a long and difficult cycling process. I ask the energies to help me automate the process – but my response seems to be a big intuitive feeling of, “sorry, but no, you need to do this one yourself”.
“Is there some way I can speed up the process by bringing in divine assistance?” I soon beg Keith for clarity, without telling him of my own prior intuition.
“No Brenda,” Keith replies lovingly, “I’m getting that you need to continue doing exactly what you are doing.”
Expanded Release
Soon, I decide to try to step it up a little, trusting that any help I need will be provided. While continuing to suck emotional blockages from the back side of my heart, I also begin to focus on pulling densities from all other areas of my heart chakra at the same time.
To my delight, I feel painful energy beginning to move from ribs, shoulders, and the lower areas of my chest as well. As before, all of these densities move to my spine, to a spot directly behind the heart, and then flow up the spine to the back side of my neck where I vibrate them out with my expressive chakra.
I am beginning to feel as if my heart chakra is actually clear – well at least the present layer being worked on is mostly clear.
Done Enough
“I think you have probably done enough for today.” Keith gently coaches me as the afternoon is drawing late.
To my delight, as I stop the process, the back of my heart chakra feels open and light. I experience energy flowing that I have no memory of ever before feeling. The lower areas of my spine feel open and light as well … but the upper spine and back side of my neck feel partially plugged with mild pains.
The way I have been vibrating the densities out of my neck has been tedious and slow – a process that has remained difficult throughout the long afternoon. Intuitively I know that some densities remain stuck in the neck area, but I also agree with Keith, knowing that I am exhausted from the extreme effort – that I am indeed done for now.
“I just have to trust that if any of this density remains as pain,” I ponder with confidence, “that I will be able to energetically move it later.”
Active Versus Passive
Before heading home, I engage Keith in a short conversation.
“I thought I was supposed to remain more passive, to follow the energies and allow them to work through me.” I express to Keith somewhat confused. “But today you encouraged me to be actively involved in pushing and pulling the energies.”
“Sometimes you actually do have to go in with the cannons.” Keith shocks me.
“But how do you know when to do which?” I beg for clarity.
“You don’t!” Keith smiles. “There are no rules; every experience is different.”
Keith goes on to clarify that you have to follow the flow of your own energy. When following your inner guidance, if what you do does not seem to work, then check again with your intuitions and try something else.
“Today however,” Keith speaks with confidence, “I was strongly guided to have you be active, to do the release with power.”
Dancing With Joy
“Congratulations,” Keith tells me as I give him a quick goodnight hug, “you did great work today.”
Throughout the evening, the wonderful flow of energy continues to astound me. I am experiencing energy dancing around my back in ways that I never before imagined possible. Areas that once seemed energetically dead are now beginning to shout with joy, “Hey Brenda, we are alive, let’s dance.”
“Wow, what an amazing day.” I tell myself while resting on my pillow. “I love this energy … and I love the growth path that continues to bring me more with each experience.”
Enjoy The Glimpses
Thursday morning, I awaken extremely early. To my delight and surprise, as I enter a short meditation, I again feel a powerful and beautiful energy dancing throughout my back regions.
But as I spend Thursday in writing, reading, and even watching a movie, I clearly recognize that the amazing energy flow is a gift and not a permanent fixture. Yes, I find it much easier to return to that place than ever before, but the intuitions are also quite clear and humbling.
“Enjoy the glimpses, but you are not there yet.” The Jedi voices whisper.
Unique Vantage Points
As I look back on what has been an amazing six-day journey, I am blown away by how the flow of my being has again created such a well-orchestrated healing journey.
Who would have ever thought that receiving continuous “pats on the back” during childhood could be so manipulative and controlling, causing me to gradually shut down my heart in such subtle ways?
Who could have imagined that with all of my profound healing, my heart could have still been so guarded and blocked?
And who would have ever dreamed it possible to actually regress to experience the agonizing emotions of a small empathic baby, and to realize with excruciating clarity why I learned to equate love with pain?
I continue to be astounded how each chocolate ceremony can bring such a profound level of clarity – each taking me ever deeper – each one letting me personally experience my self from another incredible and unique vantage point of understanding.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved