Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Choosing The Butterfly.”
Wednesday morning, March 13, 2013, after periods of little sleep and two days of travel while dropping friends off in Antigua, I arrive back at my apartment just in time to check the internet and scribble a few quick blog notes before again rushing off to Keith’s porch for an afternoon public chocolate ceremony.
After setting up the porch, drinking my chocolate, and relaxing into a “Glow Meditation,” I am feeling quite overwhelmed, even intimidated by the energies running through me, especially in my run-down state of ongoing exhaustion. As Keith finishes the introductory meditation, announcing that he is available for individual work, I glance at him and get his attention.
Overwhelmed And Intense
“Keith,” I fill in some background, “I have been going through intense energy for several days, and was even told that part of me was in another dimension on Monday night. The intensity of my experience raises lots of fears … so much so that on Monday night, I literally felt somewhat crazy, as if I belonged in a mental institution or something.”
“I believe I am in a very good place, doing powerful work,” I continue. “I think I am just looking for something to calm and reassure my rational mind so that it will relax and get out of the way … so I can continue trying to trust and surrender … not needing to understand my exhausting process with the mind.”
Keith first reminds me that I have been here long enough to know what my patterns are, reassuring me that these doubts and confusion are a common part of my process. He then begins to work with me.
“Go inside,” Keith gently guides me. “Relax and move on down through the doubts and fears. Invite the light to help you …”
Following Keith’s ongoing guidance, I journey inside, slipping past the looming doubt and confusion, clearly reminding myself how I DO trust my process, my knowing, and my past experiences … and that this present overwhelming state is just the result of my magic eraser. I relax, and continue deeper, finding a very nice and peaceful feeling,
But suddenly, literally within seconds, I am right back experiencing a bombardment of doubts.
Immersed In Low Vibrations
“I am bumping into a lot of inner distraction energy,” I share with Keith after bringing him up to date. “This energy is very familiar and intense.”
Keith is extremely patient and supportive as he gently reassures me through several minutes of additional head-level conversation, helping me return to a state of trusting that where I am at is perfect for my process.
As I return to meditation, I again experience brief periods of peace before more incessant doubts resume their nonstop haunting.
“Keith,” I again express frustration, “the physical churning and pains now swirling in my abdomen are so disconcerting that I cannot focus on anything. I feel like I am going crazy. I am overwhelmed by pains, fears, insecurities, and what-ifs.”
“Just follow your process,” Keith gently reassures me.
I really do not expect Keith to solve this issue for me. We have already had a trust-inducing conversation, one reminding me that I am dancing around in another God-drama loop.
I remain in this intense energy, cycling in and out of peace while experiencing constant abdominal churning, but I am anything but stable. Finally, I arrive at a state of knowing in which I trust that I CAN find Higher Energy. The only problem is that I seem incapable of staying there for more than a few seconds.
“I think I am back in a belief system where I have to live in that lower-vibration, cockroach-infested house,” I share a new insight with Keith.” I still have a belief that I do not deserve to move into the higher-vibration mansion until I first clean up the place I am leaving behind.”
Behind The Curtain
I sit cycling into and out of this intense distraction for nearly an hour, even manifesting some of the craziness as external reality on the porch. Keith then surprises me.
“Brenda,” Keith turns back to me. “Where are you at now?”
Once I finish bringing him up to date, Keith suggests that I go back inside, and pull back the curtain. I immediately get the feeling that this is the curtain from the Wizard of Oz, the one behind which the wizard works his distraction and exaggerated deception.
“Go behind the curtain,” Keith again encourages. “See what is there.”
Soon, I go into meditation and imagine pulling the curtain to one side.
“I suddenly see my mother’s face instead of a little old man from Kansas,” I explain to Keith with surprise.
“And we both know that your mother is no longer the one doing it,” Keith jumps in, “but you took it in from her, and now you are the one doing it.”
Suddenly, I further understand the “conscious-choice-with-blinders-on,” – understanding it more clearly than ever before.
“A very real part of me is hiding behind this curtain,” I ponder. “It is a conscious part, running the distraction show, but I refuse to look behind that curtain to discover what is really going on. I would just rather pretend that I am unable to change, that what is behind that curtain controls and victimizes me, and that I have no choice but to remain in my smallness and powerlessness.”
Too Much Fear
I sit with this image for a few minutes, unable to proceed, continuing to feel overwhelmed by intense distraction.
“Go into this journey, behind the curtain, and find the actual hooks causing your God drama,” Keith again encourages.
“Do you mean something energetic or metaphorical?” I ask with confusion, not sure what I am looking for.
“It is something metaphorical,” Keith reassures me, “something that you will be able to find.”
Repeatedly, I attempt to step behind the curtain. Every time I imagine doing so, intense fears flare up, distracting me with such craziness that I simply cannot go on.
“That is fine,” Keith reassures me. “Back off and ask the light to help you release the fear.”
A few minutes later, the fear suddenly vanishes. I begin to wonder if I just pushed the fear down, perhaps scamming myself, but it really feels as if the fear was magically transmuted. Keith soon agrees with my assessment.
Debugging Software
But to my dismay, as I make another attempt at meditatively stepping beyond the curtain, I am overwhelmed by another layer of emotion. I try again and gain, inexplicably being repeatedly stopped by unexpected and intense feelings of fear, anger, distraction, chaos, doubts, and other inner delay tactics.
As I share this crazy journey with Keith, he encourages me to “back off” from trying to charge all the way into the core of these God-drama fears, and to instead, just keep doing what I am doing … seeing what happens … dealing with it … and then trying again.
“Rather than beating yourself up for failing,” Keith guides me, “work with the resistance layer by layer, while loving your self for doing the process.”
Keith then brings in the analogy of a software program.
“When you write a program,” Keith shares the metaphor, “you give it a go … bugs come up … you go back and fix them … you give it another try … find more bugs … and fix them … and give it another try … doing this over and over again.”
“I am using this metaphor,” Keith then explains to the group, “because Brenda was once a high-powered software engineer.”
I love this metaphor. It helps me remove the concept of failure, and to simply love myself as I explore each layer of resistance.
Hidden Hooks And Buttons
I persist in repeated meditative attempts to step behind the curtain, feeling the emotional reactions, and bringing in more light while visualizing myself as moving into a higher-vibration neighborhood. Gradually, I feel as if I am making some headway.
Soon, I am able to barely imagine myself behind the curtain, observing that wizard (with my mother’s face) – but doing so from an energetic state quite similar to what I experienced on Monday evening at that party – the one I wrote about in my last blog. At that party, I had literally felt as if I were immersed in my worst nightmare, but was doing so from a state where much of me seemed to be disembodied in another dimension, simply observing as if watching a movie, doing so without feeling any of the emotion.
“There are many God-drama hooks and buttons back here behind this curtain,” intuitions whisper with confidence. “All of those hooks and buttons are running as if on autopilot … like looping software programs run by some sort of artificial intelligence … keeping me safe from my own power … keeping me safe from the magical behaviors that got me into so much trouble as a child.”
As I ponder what these hooks and buttons might be, many ideas rapidly flow through my awareness. Following is a summarized list of insights that I am able to remember after the fact.
– Love is sure to manifest as betrayal situations. The faster a loving relationship or friendship forms, the more quickly and painfully the betrayal is likely to manifest.
– Trust is hooked to panic attacks.
– Surrender is hooked to chaos.
– Allowing is linked to confusion.
– Control equates to a greater likelihood of safety and peace.
– Lack of control is sure to create utter chaos.
– Creativity causes intense panic and distraction.
– Relaxation causes panic attacks.
– All attempts to work through any of these buttons and hooks will meet with intense distraction. Any attempt to bypass this programming will cause more distraction.
Inner Defense Mechanisms
I ponder these buttons and hooks for a long time. The programming behind them is intense and complex. It seems to run in the background as a permanent protection mechanism. It is a form of self-adapting artificial intelligence designed to defend against empowerment and joy, against unwanted states that will surely lead to utter hopelessness, betrayal scenarios, and total life collapse.
For a moment, I get a flashback to the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey,” recognizing the eerie similarity to “Hal” – the artificially intelligent computer that did everything it could to survive as Dave frantically fought to disconnect it. I get the understanding that my own inner defense mechanisms are just as clever as Hal was, and are determined to remain in place.
After a while, Keith again engages me in conversation, asking where I am at in my inner journey. As I explain the unfolding insights, he first congratulates me, and then quickly moves on again.
To my shock, as I refocus in an attempt to go deeper, a wave of huge distraction overwhelms me – not just inside, but outside on the porch, in the external distracting behaviors of others.
I am lost in a hopeless inability to focus on anything at all. Suddenly, another minor hook variation becomes obvious: All attempts to focus on a solution lead to certain failure, unbelievable distraction, and utter chaos.
I almost giggle at these observations as the porch literally disintegrates into multiple disruptive and loud conversations. I remain in this state for the remainder of the ceremony. I clearly see that what is happening on the porch is literally an external reflection of what is going on inside of me.
A Booby-Trapped Cave
I struggle to maintain any type of focus – trying not to feel utterly crazy – as this distracting energy surrounds me, both inside and out. I am so hopelessly dysfunctional that I am unable to participate in events around me in any type of meaningful way.
I clearly recognize that I am now extremely close to the core of my shutdown – to the God drama reasons for my insane refusal to embrace the light, joy, and power – to uncovering the automated defensive programming behind it all. In some ways, it feels like I am Indiana Jones, attempting to maneuver through a skillfully booby-trapped cave, trying to get to the central core that keeps me dysfunctional. But with every turn, another booby trap jumps out to stop me, to frighten me away from my quest to uncover what is really running the show from behind that hidden curtain.
I know that the “wizard behind that curtain” is really me – that it is a part of me that I put in charge of keeping me safe in a world that was not ready for magic. And as Keith has often pointed out, I understand that the programming behind the booby traps is really quite simple and predictable, having very few unique tricks that are repeated over and over to scam me from going inside and pulling back the curtain.
A River Rafting Journey
As I later walk home, this same confusion and distraction energy continues to beg for my attention. In a metaphorical way, this inner energy seems to pulse in my head, like water dripping rhythmically on my temples … drip … drip … drip … doing all it can to keep me on the surface of insanity.
During later meditation, I reach a state of recognizing that the “ego identity” that I believe to be me is nothing more than a programmed story, and a huge part of me is terrified to find out who I would be if this story no longer defines me.
Repeatedly, in this meditation, I am reminded that this is a journey, not a destination, and that I am perfect where I am right now. I can see life as a river rafting trip, and I need to give myself time at night to tie the boat up on the shore, to enjoy the stars above me, to roast a few marshmallows on the campfire. Tomorrow, I can put the boat back in the river and continue the magical journey.
Somehow, with the magic of this meditation, and a beautiful inspiring talk with a dear friend back home, I again find peace and inner balance.
Effortless Power
Thursday, after a delightful morning camera interview with the videographers (the ones filming for a documentary on empaths), I find myself right back in my usual spot on Keith’s magical porch, ready for another unknown river adventure. I am in a nice energy – no, make that beautiful energy. I love the silent meditation time at the beginning of this workgroup session. I simply focus on being in my heart space, inviting Higher Energies to fill me, and then letting everything else flow with trust and surrender.
I smile inside when Catherine soon arrives, glowing with youthful giggles. I smile even more when we actually engage in a few joyful verbal exchanges, as if we had never had any stress between us. Something quite magical is going on today.
As Keith encourages a friend to “go for it” in his process, I find myself holding space, feeling lots of energy in my hands – energy that intensifies when my friend is releasing deep emotions – and energy that relaxes when he is more in light and laughter. I love the fact that I can slightly sense the difference, at least in this moment.
“Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly interrupts the silence. “Do you notice how powerful you are being today … and how effortless it is? You are not in your head, and are just trusting that you don’t need to know.”
“Yeah,” I respond with a confident giggle. “I am feeling a lot of energy in my hands, especially when he goes into release.”
More Light Equals More Pain
I stay in this beautiful space-holding energy for a long time. While initially continuing to work with this first friend, I occasionally make eye contact with a young woman I will call Bev. Each time I do so, she starts to cry and immediately looks away.
One time I speak quietly, inviting her to bring in more light. Again, she starts to cry, and then gets up to leave a minute later. When she eventually returns, she sits somewhere else. I wonder if she is trying to avoid me. My guidance says “Yes, she is”, but I also know it is not because I am being rejected … it is because she is deep in a process that terrifies her, and she knows that we are somehow connected right now.
As I occasionally continue to connect energetically with Bev from afar, I note that my heart starts to hurt. At first, I believe the pains I am feeling are my own … but eventually I realize that I am reading her pain.
With this realization, I suddenly become frightened because it hurts so much. I recognize that I am opening something new today, and that in so doing, I am also feeling the pains of others more intensely. I am not so sure that I will be able to handle this increase in reading intensity. “Feeling small and powerless” sounds much easier.
Return Of Distractions
Meanwhile, when I am not focusing on sharing energy with others, I return to my journey from yesterday – the one where I was terrified to go behind the inner curtain. As I do so, I again begin to experience intense distractions – both inside and out. The videographers are filming today. They are being respectful and in the background, but one young man who is not part of their team has brought his camera, volunteering to take additional footage and give it to them.
This third cameraman begins to be quite inappropriate as he moves all over the porch, obtrusively sticking his camera in people’s faces, filming them in disruptive ways. Eventually Keith asks him to stop.
But I simply watch with fascination, realizing I have somehow cooperated in the manifestation of this extreme distraction, and that it is again happening right at the moment when I am attempting to peek further behind that inner curtain.
Finally, as I ponder the crazy distractions in my head, another memory pops out of nowhere.
A Test Of Attention
The memory is an unexpected and very vivid image of a fun video I watched during my psychology training. The video begins on a small basketball court, with three players dressed in white T-shirts and blue jeans, and three players dressed in all black clothing. The person watching the video is instructed to pay careful attention, being asked to count all of the times that the players dressed in white pass the ball to each other.
Following is a link to this video. If you want to play along for fun, first having the experience for yourself, I highly suggest that you watch the video before reading any further. Otherwise, my subsequent words will likely spoil your experience.
http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/videos.html
This web page contains several videos. The first is the original one that I saw. When I first watched this video, I was quite shocked to learn that a person dressed in a black gorilla suit had spent about nine seconds walking out into the middle of the court, briefly pounding his chest, and then continuing off the screen. I had been so focused on tediously counting the passes made by the white team, that I had literally ignored everything else, not even seeing a very obvious gorilla.
In fact, about fifty percent of people do not see the gorilla. For those who have seen this first video, you might try the second one. It adds even more interesting understanding to the idea of selective attention.
Distraction Blinders
“Wow,” I ponder with new insight as this video pops into memory. “The white team passing the ball is equivalent to my curtain – equivalent to the distractions that keep me so focused elsewhere that I do not see the truth.”
“And that gorilla metaphorically represents the truth of what is really going on inside of me.” I add with a giggle. “It represents that part of me that is running my show.”
I have spent my life so focused in the left-brain, so trying to count the basketball passes of the rational mind world, that I have completely missed what I am doing inside on the conscious level. Even when the truth walks around right in front of me, I have blinders on and do not see it … or I do not believe it to be real if I accidently catch a brief glimpse.
Every time I try to see the gorilla inside, I find myself getting so distracted and confused that I still do not have the concentration or focus to be able to see it.
A Metaphorical Polarity Shirt
As this metaphor takes hold, I begin to feel a great deal of love for my inner gorilla. Suddenly, he shifts from being the bad guy into being a cute, lovable baby gorilla. I no longer see the gorilla as scamming me, running my dysfunctional show, but instead see him with pure love. Somehow, loving the scammer brings healing … and conscious awareness removes all the power.
I feel myself increasingly loving the gorilla, sending genuine pure love for something that has been keeping me stuck in the past. But suddenly, the metaphor takes a new twist, becoming a double metaphor that quickly shifts completely to the opposite polarity.
The curtain is what has distracted and kept me from seeing the truth – the truth that the gorilla actually represents my magic, my joy, and my empowerment. All of that insane distraction was designed to keep me out of my light shadow – something that was always there, but that the curtain would not allow me to see or embrace.
“In my life, I have been giving away all my power to the distractions,” I begin to ponder with clarity. “I have judged the distractions, been frustrated by them, felt victimized by them, and used them as an excuse not to be in my power … all because I seem unable to go beyond them.”
Moving through the distractions still requires a great deal of effort and focus, but I am doing it … I am seeing them for what they are … and seeing what is behind them for what it is.
Compassion For Scams
“Who else wants help?” Keith asks a while later as he finishes his work with a nearby friend.
“I would like a little assistance,” I respond.
As I explain the gorilla metaphor, several people laugh along with me. Keith then guides me to close my eyes and to go inside … not to do work … but just to listen to what he has to say.
As I quietly listen with eyes closed, Keith congratulates me for achieving a new level of clarity, telling me that this understanding is going to give me compassion for how people can so easily scam themselves, just as I have been doing with this distraction curtain – a curtain that I believed to be hiding a frightening monster, but that is now merely hiding a cute little gorilla that represents my beloved magic.
After Keith again congratulates me on the unfolding process and insights, he quickly moves on.
A Repaired Power Cord
I find myself in a very nice place for the remainder of the ceremony, having a lot of fun with this gorilla metaphor. Every time that something happens that would normally distract or annoy me, I replace the image with the visual of a loveable baby gorilla. Even when one man lies down on the ground and sticks his feet almost in my face, I see him as a huge gorilla. Somehow, the silly image gives me a fun and innocent perspective.
At one point, I experience a deep empty feeling in my heart, but when I relax and allow love, the pain dissolves and is replaced by what feels like another part of me returning – a stronger, magical, remembered part of me that I once pushed out for safe keeping – but some of the emptiness soon returns.
Later, I imagine this gorilla holding two wires in my solar plexus, visualizing these two wires as supplying power from the solar plexus to the heart. The wires have been shorted together behind the curtain, causing the power fuses to be blown. I soon imagine the gorilla fixing the wires, connecting them back to a functional plug, and then placing that plug where it belongs, at the center of my heart where the empty feeling gradually fades. I have no idea if this power cord is anything more than a figment of my imagination. Only time will tell.
Eventually, Keith again checks in with me. When I explain my journey, I also share that since visualizing that power cord as being plugged back in, that I am feeling a few pains rising up from the solar plexus into the center of where the emptiness was. Then the pains rise up to the high heart where they mostly dissolve into the throat region.
Not Needing To Know
After again congratulating my process, Keith adds a little more clarity.
“Much or your recent processing is designed to cause you to have a healing experience while your mind literally does NOT know what is happening, and is NOT given any guidance or feedback,” Keith shares more insight.
“I know powerful things are happening,” I respond with confidence. “And when I am in the higher energies, I know I can just trust that I don’t need to know what is actually taking place.”
“I was going to ask you a question about my energetic connection with Bev,” I then add, “but I’m not going to ask now, because I trust that I already know what was going on inside me.”
I sit in this peaceful trusting space until the ceremony ends, simply observing with loving confidence. I am delighted when I watch Keith soon guide Bev right into the same emotional release process that I knew she was too afraid to go into earlier. As I watch this scene unfold in front of me, I clearly know that earlier intuitions were accurate – that I had been reading some of her pain – and that the intensity of my reading had then caused my own fear to surface, triggering me to shut down parts of my own heart in panic.
Hand In Hand
At the end of the ceremony, Keith initiates a short conversation with me, again congratulating me and then commenting how easy it is to say the words, telling someone to just get out of their head … to allow, to trust, to surrender, and to follow, etc.
But then Keith says something in a way I have never before heard him say. He acknowledges that, as easy as it is to say the words, that actually doing it … actually getting out of your head can be extremely difficult and frustrating, because rational mind cannot take you to the actual experience.
“I am finally starting to get there,” I giggle to Keith. “And it has been an agonizing and humiliating journey.”
“I think you are doing really well,” Keith responds, sharing words I long to hear.
As I walk home slowly, numerous doubts attempt to surface. Ego storytelling chatter jumps in and tries to throw a wrench in the middle of what has been a beautiful day. Fears and doubts want my attention.
Through it all, I merely smile with peaceful confidence. All of these things are just part of that distraction curtain. I am walking home hand in hand with my imagined magical gorilla.
As I later prepare for bed, I revisit the gorilla metaphor, thanking and loving the curtain for protecting me from a once frightening reality, keeping me shut down and dysfunctional, keeping me separate from who I really am. And then I thank and send love to a magical gorilla – a cuddly little guy that used to be such an ugly monster, but is now a loveable treasure.
A Baby Gorilla
Friday morning, March 15, 2013, I discover a Facebook quote attributed to Deepak Chopra – one that deeply inspires me, and is quite relevant to my process. It goes as follows:
“You must learn to get in touch with the innermost essence of your being. This true essence is beyond ego. It is fearless; it is free; it is immune to criticism; it does not fear any challenge. It is beneath no one, superior to no one, and full of magic, mystery, and enchantment.”
In many ways, I giggle as I imagine this innermost essence as a small, joyful, playful, and magical baby gorilla.
Reading Again
The Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony is quiet and small, filled with beautiful energy. So much is shifting around me … as even my once strained relationship with Catherine suddenly seems to be filled again with joy, smiles, and pleasant conversation. I could not be happier.
During the “Glow Meditation,” I begin to feel numerous tiny sharp pains on the right side, throughout the abdominal areas. As usual, I begin to meditate into them before suddenly realizing a common occurrence.
“This is just pains that I am reading from others,” I giggle silently. “These are not my pains. My heart is wide open, and there are no reasons for me to be feeling this right now.”
I begin to play with my Harry Potter “Patronus Charm” metaphor, just observing the pains, asking the flow of my process to guide me.
When the meditation ends, I explain what I am feeling and ask Keith for guidance.
A Mental Knowing Block
“I think I am reading these pains,” I share my intuition.
Keith agrees with me and guides me to go inside to connect more with the pains. As I do so, new intuitions begin to flow.
“I’m getting that I have an attachment to how I “should” be able to have more clarity and understanding about these energies,” I tell Keith. “And I am getting that my expectation is what is getting in the way.”
“In fact,” I add, “a huge part of me refuses to go any further with this until rational mind gets more understanding and trust in what I am doing.”
“This is my block right now, isn’t it?” I ask a question without expecting an answer. “By wanting to understand before I will allow my magic to be engaged, I am blocking myself from the understanding I seek.”
“Yes,” Keith confirms.
As I go back inside, I realize that I am at another level of my head still getting in the way.
“I need to simply get out of the way, connect with Higher Energy in my heart, feel what I feel, and trust that it will show me exactly how I work, with perfect timing and unfolding of whatever I need to know,” I share unfolding insights with Keith.
Keith quickly agrees with my statement and coaches me to go inside and do just that.
Those Victimizing Pains
“When I do this, the pains from reading relax a little,” I speak up a few minutes later.
“In fact, I think the intense pains are part of my distractions that cause me to freak out and to disconnect from Higher Energies … to go into my God drama loop, etc…, ” I soon share with Keith.
“Disengage from working with the pains,” Keith then coaches me.
“You mean I am free to just turn this off?” I ask with confused surprise.
“Yes,” Keith grins back at me.
I go inside, express my meditative intent for the pains to stop flowing, for my reading to temporarily cease.
“I have always felt like I was a victim of this empath density, and would continue to be victimized by it until I learn to understand and handle it the easy and effortless way,” I express my delight. “But when I intended it to stop, the pains just went away. Wow!”
“Now start it up again,” Keith guides me to resume my energy reading.
As I do so, the pains return. I am receiving profound new insight into more of what I am doing. Then, as I focus into more love and surrender, the pains relax even more.
“A lot of your journey today will be to work with this process,” Keith coaches before moving on. You will be learning to be in Higher Energies without the pains pulling you out … still not needing to know with your head … instead just feeling things and following guidance.”
Waves Of Panic
I remain in a state of surrender throughout the ceremony … learning … observing pains … feeling energy move around inside me … not needing to understand.
At one point, Keith guides a woman into meditation, having her visualize walking into the ocean surf, imagining waves from far away breaking, and then gently flowing toward her, completely engulfing her, without covering her mouth and nose. He suggests that she imagine the waves as bringing in more light, and then the receding waters as carrying away the transmuted remains of emotional densities.
As I follow along, doing this same meditation myself, I suddenly begin to experience intense panic in my abdomen.
Suddenly, Keith turns to look at me, as if he already knows what is happening.
“Wow,” I express my shock to Keith. “Whenever I go into such surrender metaphors, the process triggers intense panic.”
Keith just smiles in a way that I feel his understanding. No words are necessary.
I follow this metaphor for a while, breathing in light as fears simultaneously surface and swirl in my abdomen. My squeamys (squirming and screaming at the cellular level) are especially active today in the forearms, calves, and abdominal areas. I just observe and breathe, doing so in as relaxed a manner as possible for a very long time. I am loving what I feel, even though it is so intense that the sensations would have once caused me to run away in panic, thinking of myself as a freak loser for not being able to relax and focus.
Magical Summaries
I also focus more time today playing with distractions, loving every interruption on the porch, seeing each as a cute little gorilla trying to pull me away from inner truth.
Through it all, I remain out of my head, just trusting and surrendering, while feeling a lot of energy swirling and shifting here and there in my body.
The ceremony is magical. One beautiful young woman asks Keith to tell her a story about her process. I have rarely heard anything so beautiful as when Keith takes nearly a half hour to summarize a magical overview of the processes involved in working with emotional densities. In many ways, I feel as if Keith is sharing the perfect description of my life during the past two and a half years. I have no idea if anyone else understands any of what Keith shares, but to me, it feels like a magical recap of everything I have been doing, bringing profound high-level clarity to my healing journey. I love it.
And then I absolutely love the filmed empath training that follows. When it is all over, I express to Keith that it is one of the best I have ever watched him do.
“This could be the YouTube video all by itself,” I suggest, “and then the documentary could be separate, expanding on the concept with stories and background, etc…”
I hate to leave early, but we are again bagging more chocolate tonight, so at 5:00 p.m. I quickly excuse myself to run home for dinner. Returning to the porch at 6:15, I assist in bagging and weighing three hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao. When the evening is over, I am exhausted and very ready for sleep.
Interrupted Power Publishing
Saturday is another of those on-again-off-again power days as the power repeatedly disappears and then returns. After spending the day writing, “Taking Out The Trash,” yet another unexpected dry-season thunderstorm downpours on San Marcos, causing the power to fade out for what might be the rest of the day. Using battery power, I finish the first edit of my blog, but at 7:45 p.m., with the power still off, I retire to my bed, and promptly fall asleep.
I awake when the lights come back on at 9:00 p.m., dragging my exhausted bones out of bed and coaxing myself to sit back at the computer. Finally, the final edit is done as I press the publish button at just before 10:00 p.m..
Exposing The Curtain
These last four days have been driven by an unexpected metaphor related to the God drama – to the fears and behaviors that have kept me in my smallness for decades.
For two years now on Keith’s porch, I have been frequently thwarted by intense experiences of distraction, panic, chaos, confusion, doubt, pain, storytelling, and loss of control, being repeatedly baffled by how, at every turn, such experiences have succeed in making me afraid to fully embrace my inner power, joy, and magic.
It seems that such behaviors are skilled at self-defense mechanisms, sabotaging forward growth at every turn, playing the same old basic games with simple-minded tactics, distracting me at the most unexpected times.
But the magical revelation is that all of these energies are nothing but a perception-altering curtain, one I put there to keep myself from seeing that frightening monster lurking in the depths – a monster much scarier than being small, victimized, and pathetic.
I can only giggle when I contemplate that the big bad monster is merely my magical light shadow disguised in a funny gorilla suit, always being hidden in plain sight. I am actually starting to dearly love that little gorilla.
This path of “know myself” is an ongoing one, but ever so surely, the inner lies are being revealed, losing their power, showing their true colors. Each day of the journey takes me ever closer to embracing the true me – the magical, joyful, powerful me.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved