Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Prodigiously Profound Power Parallels.”
I stand barefoot on the smooth wooden surface. As I stare at the waters of beautiful Lake Atitlan, perhaps thirty feet below me, I am surprised by the swirling hesitancy that swarms me. Many times before, I have jumped off cliffs twice this height without stopping long enough to give fears the opportunity to hold me hostage.
Ever since this diving platform was constructed on the side of a small sacred hill here in San Marcos, I have wanted to take the plunge. But doing so by myself just did not seem very exciting. Today, I have adventurous friends with me, giving me a reason to step out of my comfort zone.
After perhaps thirty seconds of pondering possibilities, I leave silly fears behind and make a running start. As I spread my imaginary wings and fly through the air, there is little time for anything other than an increase of adrenaline. A second or two later my feet forcefully break the surface, and in another instant the water collapses around my body with a force that leaves my ears ringing.
I am surprised when it takes several seconds to swim back upward toward the gentle waves, trusting that air and daylight await me. Finally, a huge celebratory grin spreads over my face. I did it. One of my young friends takes the leap multiple times, even doing a flip with a twist. But on this Friday morning, March 8, 2013, I am content with a single rush of adrenaline.
After an hour of swimming in these cool blue waters, splashing around and staring at gorgeous volcano vistas, my friends and I honor the clock, hurrying off for breakfast before preparing for another chocolate ceremony on Keith’s porch.
Germinating Ideas
Before the ceremony, I sit and visit with a new friend who is one of the coordinators for the empath documentary being filmed this week.
“I have no idea how this might unfold,” I express feelings that came to me this morning during a short meditation, “but I am inspired that maybe I need to help in a big way with the documentary, possibly even flying to Rhode Island this summer.”
I giggle with delight as my new friend shares that my name has repeatedly come up in her meditations as well. We discuss such inspiration for several minutes, each of us tingling with goose bumps, both of us knowing that this is just the germination of inspired ideas, and that nothing is yet etched in concrete. For me, the idea also triggers a sense of inadequacy and smallness – a sense of not being ready for such a creative endeavor. I am content for now to let the idea flutter around inside my head, trusting that whatever becomes of the meditative inspiration, that it is in some way preparing me for something in the future.
Trusting The Light
I feel a very nice energy during the “Glow Meditation,” paying particular attention to an inner urge to again share more healing magic with others. Early on, I notice a woman (I will call her Sandra) who is crying on the bench by the garden steps. As Keith briefly talks to her from afar, I feel guided to go stand behind her and share energy on the back of her heart. As Keith moves on, I remain working with Sandra, occasionally whispering guidance in her ear, periodically coaching her to surrender to her process, to feel the emotions to the core, and to bring in more light. When my work with her feels complete, I return to my own cushion.
A while later Sandra again begins to cry. Intuitions tell me to go sit beside her, holding space and supporting her in her journey.
“How do I bring in light?” Sandra asks through her tears.
“You meditatively express your intent, fill yourself with a feeling of love, and then get out of the way,” I share words that come through me. “This is not about thinking or doing. It is about trusting, allowing, surrendering, observing, and just feeling whatever happens.”
After again following guidance to return to my seat, Sandra starts to cry once more.
“Relax and allow,” I whisper from a few feet away.
For the remainder of the ceremony, Sandra meditates in beautiful energy, seeming to peacefully glow. At the end of the ceremony, we have a beautiful feedback-filled conversation.
“What happened to me?” She asked with surprise. “I feel so much better.”
“You allowed the light to help you without involving your mind,” I respond with a giggle.
Inner trust and confidence swell inside me as I listen to Sandra’s excited feedback.
Exploring Sharp Pains
Meanwhile, back to the ceremony, after having briefly worked with Sandra for the third time, I myself begin to focus on surrendering, allowing, and further trusting … asking Higher Energies for upgrades, or whatever … patiently observing without directing.
As I do so, I experience pains in various places, so I imagine tiny doors opening all over the areas where I feel these blockages. This is not something I am doing, but is simply something I intend and then relax into with imagination. I am delighted to note, that in the middle of this meditation, I do feel mild tingling expansions and gentle flowing energy in many of these blocked places.
Eventually, I begin to feel very sharp pains in my abdomen.
As my friend Nancy soon leans over to check on me, I explain that I can feel things opening a little, but that the pains are intense.
“I can feel both the opening and the pains,” Nancy tells me as she begins to share energy with me.
While she works with me, many of the pains become more sharp and pronounced. I do not judge or attach to the pains. Instead, I extend love to these energetic metaphors, surrendering to them, imagining myself floating in a lake, asking the pains what they want to teach me. I feel the pains begging me to allow more self-love, and more opening.
Empath Triggers
Meanwhile, a new woman across the porch is complaining of intense overwhelming nausea and abdominal discomfort. Several of us, including Keith, give her feedback that what she is feeling is an energetic metaphor, and is not a physical response to the chocolate, but she resists.
“Brenda,” Keith suddenly asks. “What are you feeling right now?”
“I have deep and sharp pains in my lower second chakra and solar plexus regions,” I respond innocently, not yet drawing any parallels.
Keith then says a few more things to the woman across the porch, talking about her pains.
“Are you saying that the pain I feel is from reading her, and that it is not my own?” I ask Keith with surprise.
Keith answers “Yes” and then Nancy jumps in with her own energetic observation. The woman with nausea then jumps in and admits that she feels deep pain in the same areas where I do.
“I can feel the energies zooming back and forth between you two,” Nancy tells me while pointing to the other woman with intense nausea.
When I ask for clarity, Keith confirms again that I am reading this other woman’s pain but that I am having my own triggers and issues come up with the process.
“Wow,” I ponder, “this is another profound learning opportunity to understand the empath abilities that I want to further open. Or do I?”
Silvery Wings
As several in the group attempt to help this woman, I go into my own journey of inner processing, sitting with a new level of intense pain inside of me. As I start into a few waves of deep emotional release, Nancy begins to share more energy with me, and Steven turns to stare into my eyes.
In the midst of this beautiful assistance, intense fears surface as new energies stir and begin to move in my solar plexus. The experience is frightening, but I surrender to it, and invite these unfamiliar energies to flow upward and out of me while I focus only on relaxation and bringing in the light.
During one of many waves of inner release, intense agonizing emotions surface and leave, causing me to dry heave and cough while feeling totally out of control for about thirty seconds. Then I breathe deeply, sit up, relax, bring in more light, and return to full relaxation. That layer is gone.
Nancy later tells me that just before this phase of my release process, she saw a “silvery angel-energy with wings,” coming down from above and filling me.
“It was a part of YOU returning,” Nancy tells me, “and it was beautiful to witness.”
I was not consciously aware of this energy, but I did feel something magical opening as deep waves of fear had released … Wow.
Reading Confusion
Nancy continues to work with me, placing a hand on my lower back. As she does, I suddenly realize that I am also feeling very sharp pains where her hand is now resting. Those pains were there all along, but I have been so focused on my belly that they had literally taken a back seat in my awareness.
Again, I go into more surrender and deep emotional release. Steven soon turns back to assist, taking one of my hands while helping me find access to more higher energy. I feel profoundly honored to be receiving such magical energetic support from two amazing people.
As the pains slightly relax, I do something I have rarely done on Keith’s porch. I lay down on the ground, resting my head on a cushion, totally surrendering to my process without trying to remain present for the group.
I remain flat on my back until the end of the ceremony, but the sharp pains in my lower chakras remain. During discussions at the end, Steven tells me that he still feels the same pains in his belly, and then Greg and Nancy both make similar comments. I know that we were all “reading” these pains earlier, and I also know that I was doing my own deeply triggered work as a result of “reading” those pains. Now, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps all of my friends are simply reading what remains active inside of me.
A New Level
“Keith,” I ask when he has a free moment, “is what I am still feeling my own pain, and all of my friends are just reading that?”
“Yes,” Keith responds a minute later after searching his own guidance. “I’m getting that this is a new level of working with these pains inside of you, in a way very different from the past … not needing to understand it … not attaching or identifying with the pain in any way.”
“Yeah,” I respond with a giggle. “I can see that. I am just smiling at the pains, seeing them as related to a new opening of some sort … having no judgment, no wallowing, just giggling while allowing, trusting, and surrendering.”
Finally, as the porch mostly clears, I feel the pains relax a little, giving me enough strength to stand up and gather my stuff. After waiting briefly for my three friends, we walk home together and enjoy a delightful meal at a local restaurant. I am not sure if it is a good idea, given my own energetic state, but my friends all chip in to buy me a margarita on this eve of the eve of my birthday. By 8:30 p.m., I am exhausted, a tiny bit tipsy, and in bed. It has been a long, exhausting, and magical day.
Tour Guide To Tears
Saturday, I take another day off from my usual writing, instead enjoying a day playing tour guide for my friends. It is a day filled with fun conversation, boat rides, Tuk-Tuk rides, and walks around San Juan and San Pedro. I rarely drink, but after another fun dinner back in San Marcos, my friends again treat me to a birthday-eve margarita before we return to my living room for silly conversation.
To my shock, however, every time my friends make me laugh, I simultaneously begin to cry as intense waves of emotional energy hurl out of me via my throat. I do not attach to the tears in any way, but am totally surprised by how much emotion yet remains waiting to fly out of me each time I belly laugh. I love to feel the emotion leave my energy field, but wow, is it ever crazy.
For the second day in a row, by 8:30 p.m. I am exhausted, in bed, and rapidly on my way to dreamland.
Giving Up Caterpillars
After more than six hours of restful sleep, I wake up on Sunday morning at 3:00 a.m., with more sleep being impossible. After meditating in bed, I finally crawl out of the covers and meditate on the floor.
At 6:30 a.m., I turn the computer on and check the internet. I soon find a quote from a friend, a very simple combination of words that touches me deeply. The quote goes as follows:
“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”
As I read these words, I suddenly realize that a major obstacle holding me back in my path is that I still cling to trying to fit in with the world of caterpillars. I am afraid that if I fly, I will no longer be normal … that I will be even more weird than I have felt throughout my life.
Feeling And Trusting
By 8:00 a.m., my friends arrive for Brenda-cooked oatmeal and papaya, after which we walk out to Keith’s home for a beautiful Sunday morning private ceremony. I am just coming along to hold space.
During one friend’s process, profound channeled words help me to understand that I will never achieve true spiritual awakening through words and instructions – both of which are merely tools to help one draw closer to the real goal.
“The only way is to actually experience the energies and multidimensional connections on the inside, in a way that is unique to me,” I ponder near the end of the ceremony. “It is an experience that only comes when I drop the words and intellect, and instead fully surrender, allow, and trust … actually feeling with my heart, trusting long-established inner guidance to guide me to deeper opening in ways that the rational mind simply cannot understand.”
Tears form in my eyes as this knowing realization magically unfolds via feeling rather than intellect.
During one brief interaction with Keith, after asking a question that is now meaningless and forgotten, Keith unexpectedly reminds me that I am doing really well in my journey. Such feedback is deeply appreciated, because as I increasingly let go of “needing to know,” the “not knowing” is often quite unsettling, causing mind chatter to chip away with doubt regarding my newly growing heart connection.
Popcorn Popping
After this beautiful private ceremony concludes, we rapidly reconfigure the porch for an afternoon public ceremony – one that is crowded but powerful.
Early on, even before Keith guides the “Glow Meditation,” my abdomen begins to painfully squirm and twitch as if popcorn is wildly exploding inside. On the one hand, the agitation is intense and extremely painful. On the other, I am in a state of near joy, wanting to laugh about the pain, even in the middle of the extreme discomfort.
After a while, Keith looks at me with a knowing glance, as if he is asking a question with his eyes, giving me an opportunity to speak. I quickly fill him in regarding the intense activity in my belly.
“I am wondering if this is mine, or if perhaps I am reading something from the group,” I ask if he has any insights.
“This is definitely triggered by the group energy,” Keith tells me, “but it is part of your process.”
“I feel like I want to be in joy and laughter even though it hurts so deeply,” I fish for guidance.
“Go with the laughter,” Keith guides me before moving on.
A Clearing Thunderstorm
As I attempt to laugh out loud, I sink into an immediate bout of dry heaving, bending forward for a few seconds before sitting up, breathing, and asking the light to fill me. Then I go into more quiet laughter – a very painful laughter, because it constantly triggers inner emotion to erupt and flow through me.
After a few minutes, Nancy holds my hand, sharing energy and holding supportive space for me. Soon, she places her hand on my painful belly, and tells me that she can definitely feel what I am doing.
“Brenda,” she adds a while later, “what I am seeing is like thunder clouds breaking up and the sun is starting to rise. Why don’t you try to see it this way too.”
I love her metaphor. Yes, I do have an intense thunderstorm going on inside of me, but the incessant popcorn-lightning is clearing away huge deposits of stored negative energy. I am in a state where the thunder continues to rumble, but the storm is finally on its way out, releasing its last hurrah as the sun begins to provide warm hope.
Both Nancy and another very energy-sensitive friend tell me several times that they are feeling something really big leaving me. I see this “something big” as major power barriers beginning to crumble, beginning to make room for the real me to return.
From Winter To Spring
To my delight, intuitions soon guide me to a new powerful metaphor. Sudden images begin to flash in my mind – images from the 2005 movie adapted from C.S. Lewis’s book, “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.”
I find myself literally living a scene where Peter, Susan, and Lucy (along with the beavers) are crossing the frozen river while being pursued by the White Witch’s evil wolves. A hundred-year winter is rapidly shifting to spring as the river-ice crumbles and breaks, leaving the children to swim to shore in the rapid currents.
As the children finally regroup on shore, still wearing their heavy water-saturated winter coats, they are delighted to realize that Spring is arriving. As the sun rapidly warms the surroundings, the grass grows tall before their eyes. New life sprouts, the flowers and trees bloom, and the entire landscape awakens to magical dancing life, all around them.
As I literally feel myself immersed in this magical scene, I cannot imagine a more beautiful way to visualize my lower chakras. Finally, after a lifetime of frozen winter wasteland, the ice is rapidly melting, and new energetic life is returning to this region of my body. I literally feel the churning in my abdomen as the old frozen winter is crumbling and breaking up, making room for abundant magical life to take its place.
Following Nudges
I sit inside this metaphor for a very long time while Nancy continues to hold space for me, occasionally sharing more guidance. Soon, Steven joins us, as does another beautiful young woman. We all hold hands, basking in the shared energy as I feel this new life return.
Eventually, I feel much better, with just small, insignificant pains remaining. Guidance nudges me to go work with a woman across the porch – a woman in deep emotional release. Initially, I resist this guidance, desiring to remain in my own process, but soon, I surrender to the inner knowing, stand up, and move to work with her. I quietly assist her for a while, not knowing what I am doing, simply holding space, confidently guiding her through several layers of density release, and encouraging her to trust and bring in light.
Magical Trust Building
“Brenda,” I hear someone speak as I finally start to walk back to my seat. “Would you share some energy with me?”
Immediately, I go sit at this new woman’s side, feeling guided to place my hands on both sides of her high-heart. The woman quickly confirms that this is where her blockage is located. As I continue sharing energy, she tells me the blockage is moving. Feeling quite confident, I guide her inside, asking her to ask the block to get bigger, and to then go inside and sit with it, having a loving conversation over tea. I do not need to know any answers. I simply guide her into her own work, holding space while she does.
To my delight, a while later, the woman suddenly starts to effortlessly channel, sharing inspired wisdom that is being revealed to her regarding what the blockage is about. When she tells me the blockage is now mostly dissolved, I continue to share energy for a while before eventually returning to my seat. As I prepare to stand up, this beautiful young woman provides me with beautiful feedback regarding my energy.
I giggle inside with glowing confidence. I love how assisting others does not require me to initially know anything about what is actually going on inside of them.
After returning to my seat, I continue this confident sharing, with two other beautiful women. It truly is an afternoon of energetic awakening, of magical trust-building experiences.
Birthday Manifestations
I could not help but giggle when a regular to the porch came earlier bringing a birthday cake. It was for her daughter’s birthday, but they were not going to be able to eat it for whatever reason, so they left it with Keith to share with the group after the ceremony ends. The woman does not even stay.
At 4:45 p.m., I am delighted when the ceremony dissolves to social chatter, and when Keith steps into the house returning with the cake, plates, and forks. It is the perfect unexpected manifestation for me as everyone sings Happy Birthday to me, celebrating with an available cake that just happened to show up a while earlier.
I find it hard to believe that today, I am officially fifty-eight years young. I seem to be getting younger every year, even though the numbers indicate differently.
Gratitude Filled Guidance
Earlier in the ceremony, I had briefly shared a little energy with a young woman (I will call her Jodi), doing so from just a few feet away, while staring into her eyes. In this process, she had gone into deep tears, being unable to maintain eye contact with me. I had sat in confidence, knowing and trusting that all was perfect.
Now, as the gathering begins to clear, Jodi comes over to thank me. I ask how she is, and she explains that she is deeply struggling, feeling as if she does not deserve Keith’s help. I speak with her for a while, sharing energy and holding space while the porch gradually empties. At one point I briefly get Keith’s attention, telling him there is someone else who needs him.
To my delight, Keith soon returns to the porch when only five of us remain (me, Greg, Jodi, Beth, and Keith). The unfolding work is magical and profound, and soon triggers Beth to go deeper into her process as well. I will not share details of their work, other than to say that I am filled with deep gratitude for having followed my guidance to remain behind, and for having had the honor of assisting and partially guiding the work of both Jodi and Beth.
Birthday Panic
My heart is alive with joy as I stroll home with Greg, hoping to meet up with our other friends for a fun birthday dinner. But they are nowhere to be found. Finally, as Greg and I decide to go together, just the two of us, we walk into a popular local restaurant only to see my friends joined with a larger group gathered around Catherine, having a laughing fun time.
Suddenly, I freak out inside. I love Catherine, but we have played very painful scripts with each other. I am happy and peaceful around her on the porch, but for some yet-unhealed reason, I am still timidly inclined to keep my distance from her in social situations. And I love that my friends love Catherine too. I really do.
But, in this instant, I am totally unprepared for the emotions that grab me by the throat and kick me in the gut. It is my birthday, and I have no desire to be tiptoeing and walking on social eggshells on this special day. Based on how I feel, I absolutely know that if we sit with this group, I will isolate into the corner and feel insecure and alone for the rest of the night. This fear is baseless and silly, but in this moment, it seems to be absolute reality. In fact, this has been perceived “reality” for much of my life.
“Please,” I tell Greg before the group sees us. “Let’s go eat somewhere else.”
My fear is crazy and insane. It is old social stuff bubbling to the surface. I have deep images of betrayal looming in fantasy-created silliness, yet the emotions are real, and I do not want to project them as drama.
Greg and I enjoy a delightful dinner, and then go to get chocolate cake at another restaurant. While gobbling down the cake, two friends involved with the documentary give both Greg and I beautiful compliments, sharing their observations of the beautiful energy we have provided in ceremonies this week.
I am happy, but exhausted as I finally go to bed shortly before 10:30 p.m. – having spent the rest of the evening on Skype and answering beautiful birthday wishes on Facebook. My pillow never felt so good.
Ceremonial Fun
Monday morning begins quite early as my Utah friends and I meet up with the videographers on my patio. Soon, Isaias joins us. Isaias, as you may recall, is my dear young Mayan friend who graduated from his Shamanic training on June 1, 2012. He is now doing traditional fire ceremonies, and I have arranged for all of us to get together for a magical morning of Mayan spiritual tradition. We soon hike to a ceremonial space, near the top of a nearby hill, high above the same place where just three days ago I had taken my first jump off a diving platform here at the lake.
It is a beautiful ceremony, and a delightful experience. When the ceremony ends, two of my friends head off to Catherine’s house, I have no idea why, and I do not ask questions. Greg meets me at my apartment a while later, and we enjoy a short conversation before walking out to Keith’s home.
A Betrayal Fantasy
As we talk, Greg carefully and lovingly mentions that since tonight will be their last night in San Marcos, Catherine had mentioned to him (and my other two friends) that we should get everyone together for dinner after the ceremony. After cringing for a few seconds with inner social agony, I get real with myself.
“That will be fine,” I respond to Greg with a smile. “I will just have to be self-loving and transparent, and this is a beautiful opportunity to practice doing just that.”
I genuinely mean this when the words leave my lips, but the moment Greg briefly disappears to run back to his hotel room, I start to sink into shock. To my horror, emotions of betrayal begin to surge through me.
I want to make one thing perfectly clear here. I really do love Catherine. I honor her work and believe she is one of the most magical people I know. And I love my friends beyond words. Their friendship with Catherine is pure, innocent, and somewhat expected – with real magical connections guiding them to be friends.
I absolutely know that the emotions I am feeling are a setup from the Universe, my own personal reality creation designed to take me on another healing journey. And I clearly understand that the emotions raging through me are very old and painful … having nothing to do with the present-day situation.
But in this exact moment, I am experiencing those emotions as if they are fully valid in present-day reality. I feel the absolute horror of having a more popular, more powerful, and more socially skilled person stepping into the picture to steal my friends from me, while I now need to take a back seat.
“This is a perfect setup for my healing,” I ponder in the midst of this agonizing emotion. “I energetically ASKED her to play this role for me, and she loves me so much that she is playing it for me … playing out a lifelong pattern of me feeling stabbed in the back … a pattern of things starting to go exceptionally well on all fronts (social, power, confidence), and then suddenly the world caves in all around me.”
Barely Hanging On
As I sit in my usual spot, waiting for the Monday afternoon workgroup ceremony to get underway, I am extremely non-communicative. I feel as if it is best just to lay low, set up the porch, sit back with eye closed, and attempt to bring in higher energy to assist me in releasing this insane story.
It is nearly 2:00 p.m. before Keith begins to work with individuals. He starts with one male friend, guiding him into deep emotional release. As I observe and follow, I experience identical emotions of terror and betrayal. While Keith continues to work with my friend, I sink into my own deep emotional release.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts, “as happens frequently, you and so-and-so are in very parallel processes.”
“Keith,” I respond, “I have opened up a LOT of power and confidence this week, and suddenly I am feeling as if my world is going to collapse because of this, taking me to the depths of failure. Right now, the insane fear is so intense that I feel like just giving up, saying “eff-it” all, throwing in the towel, and feeling hopeless and betrayed.”
I intentionally leave out all of the story details, realizing they are not necessary.
“I know this is OLD stuff running through me,” I add with clarity, “but it is extremely difficult NOT to identify with it. I am barely hanging on as the observer.”
To The Core
I had assumed that I was dealing with the root of my social dysfunction and feelings of betrayal. But Keith surprises me when he points out that I am bumping into the core basis of my God drama, pointing out that when I was a young child, and when I was in my power, that all hell broke lose … that I was emotionally slammed, punished, and made wrong in intense ways.
“All of my power was whammed out of me by make-wrong punishment,” I explore the emotions aloud. “I became a frantic people pleaser. Whenever anyone more powerful than me stepped in to make me wrong, to steal my power, I learned to just give up and to either run away, or to make them happy by surrendering “all of me” into mindless conforming, blah, blah, blah.”
Keith does not need to say much more to take me where I need to go. I am now in intense emotional release. He soon asks two of my friends, one male, and one female, to come in to assist and hold space for me. Immediately, I want to push them away. I desire their help, but the wounded child in me would much rather dig a hole, isolate, and have no contact with anyone.
These two friends just sit and hold space while I sob and flounder for a while. The male friend lovingly interrupts my process to share a long discussion about astrological charts, and how they are influencing me. I listen politely, because his heart is pure, but I am not into astrology, and his words sound like blah, blah, blah.
Two Sides, Both Real
“I feel like I just want to punch pillows and sob,” I soon share with Keith. “But I would like to do this an easier way … not on the hard bus. Can you help me?”
“Close your eyes and put your hands out,” Keith guides me. “In one hand (I imagine left) put your self that had the power beaten out of you, the people pleaser that will do anything to be liked and to avoid conflict. In the other hand, put the powerful and joyful you, the one playing with your magic here all last week, the one that has often come out in magical ways, even long before you first came to the porch.”
“Yeah,” I acknowledge, “I know I have been doing magical things long before arriving in San Marcos.”
Keith then guides me to sit with these two different versions of me, and to explore them both.
I do this, but simultaneously fight a lot of internal distraction.
“The left hand feels small and powerless,” I finally share with Keith. “It has an absolute knowing that no matter what I do, that I will always fail, be made small, and be pushed back down or pulled back into the metaphorical crab basket.”
“This part of me would literally rather die than try to be powerful again,” I speak through bubbling tears. “This part of me knows that every time I am close to being powerful and successful, that something always happens to ruin it for me. This part knows that there is absolutely no point in going on.”
“But the right hand feels powerful and magical, and knows that the magic is very real,” I add the positive side.”
“Both sides are very real,” Keith responds. “And both are your self.”
A Conscious Choice
As I involve my mind, trying to figure out how to work with these two versions of me, I start to ask Keith if it would be useful to work with these two extremes as aspects of self, where perhaps one can work with Higher Self to get a new job description.
Keith quickly points out that these are not aspects of self, but they are my whole self, with each living in different realities. I realize that both of them are me, in the now, overlapping a little, and that sometimes I am the powerful one, and often I sink into the smallness.
I am not fully sure exactly where Keith is trying to lead me, but as I close my eyes and meditate, I get the strong intuition that I am actually dealing with parallel realities, and that they are both playing out simultaneously, and that the one I experience as my now is the one I give my attention to. In many ways, this is the “conscious choice with blinders on” that Keith is referring to when he discusses the God drama. I can choose to be the powerful and joyful Brenda, or I can choose to be the weak, pathetic, small, victim Brenda. Both are indeed real and the one I embrace is indeed something I get to choose. I want to be a victim and insist that it is NOT a choice, but it is a choice just the same.
Parallel Love
As I continue to sit with this metaphor for a long while, I clearly begin to understand that the powerful me dearly loves the small, victimized me. As this realization solidifies, I lightly sob as I actually begin to experience deep and profound emotional love filtering into my body.
“That is real love coming in,” Keith soon reassures me.
“Yeah, I feel it,” I respond through my sobs.
A while later, as I continue in this highly emotional process, I suddenly recognize that the small, wounded me also profoundly loves the powerful, joyful me – the me I was being most of last week – but this wounded me does not believe that it is possible to maintain the powerful state without the inevitable “other shoe falling.”
In the midst of this beautiful meditation, I try to stay out of the way, and just allow these two parallel versions of me to love each other.
Sending Love
The sensation is quite overwhelming as I feel Higher Energy in my head and imagine it flowing down into the lower parts of my body. I feel the beautiful energy movements, but I am not used to them, and many of them are blocked and swirling in my head.
Soon, I try to bring more “power” from the lower chakras up to my throat. As I imagine doing this with my breath, the process triggers deep tears and fears.
“Just send love down there from above,” Keith coaches me a few minutes later.
Soon, I begin to experience an intense “kicked-in-the-gut” aching emptiness in my belly. It is agony … then nausea … then cycles between the two. As I continue to send small amounts of this self-loving energy to my abdomen, I feel it come down into my heart in gentle waves of beautiful pure energy … but the emotions in my belly continue to cycle painfully.
Overwhelming Craziness
Soon, distractions begin to pop up everywhere. People are loudly talking in the garden. Several others are engaged in social conversation just to my left. On my right, Keith is engaged in beautiful, profound inner work with someone else.
I see everything as perfect … as part of my process. I feel the beautiful process unfolding as pure love flows through me, symbolized by my right hand, and by Keith doing magical work with someone on my right side. And I experience the intense distraction on my left, coming from both on and off the porch, mirrored by that small, victim, powerless, left-hand side of me from the earlier meditation.
Through it all, I continue to send pure, genuine love from the healed and powerful me (right side) to the distracted and powerless me (left side).
Soon, my abdomen begins to pulse and twitch wildly … mirroring the crazy, chaotic, confusing distraction that dominates the left-side reality – the side trying to pull me out of this process.
But I remain in the magical energy, in spite of intense distracting, victimized, story-telling emotions that begin to rage through me. I recognize these emotions as more core childhood God-drama stuff – emotions from a terrified child – a child having his world destroyed by rational-mind chatter, nonsensical social chatter, invalidated magic, squashed power, and overwhelming cultural indoctrination.
“This is just old stuff that is now waking up and flowing through me on its way out,” I reassure myself. “I have to feel it so that the light can transmute it.”
I sit in this craziness – in beautiful magical energy while feeling intense emotion – for at least a couple of hours.
Overwhelming Opposites
Finally, near the end of the ceremony, I interrupt Keith to ask if I can run something by him. I explain my journey, talking about the beautiful Higher Energy and the deep emotions raging through me.
Keith listens politely, without confirming or denying my feelings.
“Brenda,” Keith then guides me, “your experience can be much less overwhelming if you can let some of that Higher Energy flow lower into your abdomen.”
As I ponder, I realize that, while I have access to amazing Higher Energies that overwhelm me in the upper chakras – and while I am experiencing intense emotions overwhelming me in the lower chakras – that I am only barely allowing the two to mix. I am not able to let those Higher Energies go down to assist me in transmuting the agonizing emotions in my belly. Each time I try, each time I intend for that loving energy to flow downward, I experience deep, overwhelming fear – terror that causes pulsing and shaking sensations in the entire solar plexus region.
Confused And Overwhelmed
For the remainder of the ceremony, I continuously bring in Higher Energy and manage to feel tiny bits of it flowing down to the solar plexus region, but the extremely uncomfortable and fearful shaking continues to thwart most of my attempts.
I sit in this confused, overwhelmed state until the end of the ceremony, hoping for some type of resolution that never comes. In fact, I feel completely ignored, but honor the fact that feeling ignored is also part of my process.
“I know this is an extremely powerful process,” I repeatedly remind myself. “I know that this is REAL love meeting between these two opposing parallel selves. The intense emotions and energies cannot be understood at the rational mind level.”
Through all of this, I manage to remain mostly unattached with the rational mind, not needing to understand any of it – but the intensity of the experience causes me to wonder if I belong in a mental hospital right now.
When the end of the ceremony arrives, Keith does not even talk to me. I walk over, give him a quick thank you hug, and tell him that I am in a powerful-but-extremely-intense place, but that I know I am fine … and then I walk away. He makes no comment. I know there is nothing he can say. He trusts where I am at in my process, and knows that this is something he cannot do for me.
Desperate To Isolate
As I walk down the garden steps, I pass right by several of my friends, ignoring them, being too deeply lost inside to want to talk to anyone in this moment. I know that if I tried I would likely burst into sobbing and victimization stories. I do not want to go there.
I am fully aware of the social gathering tonight. It turns out that it is a town fundraising party – not even just a smaller group of friends, but a whole gathering of people, most of whom I will not even know. Given my current state of confusing craziness, I absolutely have no desire to attend. What I really want to do is to go home, lock myself in my dark bedroom, and punch pillows, sob, yell, scream … or whatever it takes to move some of this painful, dark, dense emotional agony out of my lower chakras. I still do not have the ability to let the light go down there in the “easy bus” way.
But rather than walk all the way home, I stop and sit on a wall at the top of the hill above Keith’s home. There, I wait to see who comes, clueless as to what I will do or say, but knowing I need to at least touch base with my friends before I go home.
Overwhelmed In Both Directions
Soon, my Utah friends, along with Beth and Jodi come by, find me on the wall, and ask how I am. I can only cry as I attempt to explain that I am emotionally out of control but am also in a very good place at the same time. I find it impossible to explain that I am experiencing overwhelming childhood emotion that I am just allowing – and that I am experiencing overwhelming beautiful energy that is so intense, and so blocked in its flow, that I feel incapable of functioning.
I lovingly tell them to please, go have fun tonight, and reassure them that I am fine, but I am not capable of socializing right now.
I hold back sobs as I attempt to push them on their way so I can walk slowly, alone, desperately wanting to isolate. But Beth and Jodi will have none of that. Beth asks if she can hold my hand. As I say yes and give her my hand, I start to sob even more. As we walk, I begin to feel lighter, but also know that Beth is a powerful empath who is still learning. I tell her I will stop if she starts to take any of my emotion inside of her.
I feel kind of stupid for just crying while Beth and Jodi tell me several times how much they love me. When we reach the center of town, I thank them for their loving support, tell them I am really doing just fine, but that I need to isolate and cry.
My Utah friends, along with Beth, Jodi, and several others are meeting Keith by the basketball court in about twenty minutes. He is going to show them how to find the party, which is being held at a home further up a few unmarked trails in the valley.
Light-Headed Dizziness
The moment I get to my apartment, I lock the doors and kneel on a pillow beside my bed. I sob and cry for a few minutes, desperately trying to clear out this intense emotion in the hard-bus way. After a few minutes, I bring in light. I still feel overwhelmed by the Higher Energy in my upper body, but most of the emotional craziness is gone from my abdomen.
“Brenda,” inner voices chatter. “For your healing, you really NEED to go to the party … to practice the transparency that you talked about earlier.”
What feels like seconds later, I change clothes and almost fall over from the light-headed dizziness … but I keep going anyway. Very carefully, gripping the handrail tightly, I maneuver down my steep stone staircase and head to the hotel where my friends are staying. But their rooms are dark. Next, I slowly wobble up to the basketball court, and no one is there. In my mind, I believe it has only been a few minutes, and I cannot imagine that my friends have already left.
To my surprise, just as I am contemplating trying to find my own way in the dark, Keith walks by. He has just finished showing my friends how to find the party, and is now headed home. He is surprised to find me there alone, and quickly takes the time to walk me back up to where I need to go. A minute later, I am wobbling into my worst nightmare, still feeling extremely disoriented, dizzy, and overwhelmed by the Higher Energies in my head.
Facing My Worst Nightmare
As I enter the party atmosphere, I note that the vast majority of those present are people I either do not know, or who have triggered me in the past. Such a scenario literally has been my worst nightmare throughout my entire life – a scenario of being isolated and alone in a large party where I know and/or relate to almost no one.
But I also note one other strange thing. I am not the least bit intimidated or emotional in any way. In fact, I literally feel as if I am NOT in my body, and that I am just watching a movie. I have no desire to really interact with anyone, but instead am simply observing with curiosity and detachment, as if I am partially missing. If I were to describe how I feel, it would be like I am in a hypnotic trance, aware and observing, but completely shut down in other ways. In fact, I have never been drunk or high, but I can only imagine that this is what it might feel like if I were.
I quickly find Greg and my other friends, and they buy me a little dinner to munch on. But I cannot stand for long, so I sit down on a nearby sofa while everyone else around me just parties on. A few friends I love stop by to say “Hi,” but I am totally weird with them too. To my surprise, Catherine eventually walks by. She starts to walk toward me with a huge smile on her face, waving with her hand, but then several friends cut her off to talk, and she never makes it to my seat.
“Wow, that was nice,” I think to myself. “There would have been no need for transparency. She was quite eager to be friendly with me.”
A Different Dimension
But I don’t hang around long enough for that to happen. I have made my presence known. I remain in a very confusing state, as if I am in very high energy but am not totally present, as if I am just watching a strange movie and do not want to keep watching. Soon, I walk to the door and bump into Greg and Steven.
“Brenda,” Steven tells me. “A part of you is in a different dimension right now.”
“You can feel what I am doing?” I ask Steven with surprise.
“Yeah, you really need to ground your energy so you can come back to this dimension,” Steven suggests. “You might fall down if you walk home alone.”
“I want to stay in this energy for a while,” I respond as I hug them goodnight and begin to walk home, doing so VERY slowly.
I am deeply curious about Steven’s words. I do not want to ground myself. I feel fascinated by what is happening to me right now and I want to experience it until it stops. I know I am not lost, but I do not want to ground myself quite yet. I want to remain right where I am. Perhaps a half hour later, I finally complete the short walk back to the basketball court – doing so in a journey where I walk about ten feet and then stop to take in everything around me for a few minutes. Then I walk ten more feet and do the same.
Morning Memories
After purchasing some French fries from a street vendor, I eventually arrive at the top of my steps shortly after 9:30 p.m. – still up there in some other dimension, light-headed, wobbly, woozy, floating in la-la land from the neck up. It is overwhelming and confusing, but at the same time is a very unique experience that I do not want to end. I do not want to ground myself … this is too interesting.
After going to bed and swimming in this energy for a long time, I finally relax and drift to sleep. But I again wake up at 3:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning with continued crazy energy surging in my body and abdomen. More of my body is now enjoying a nice overwhelming flow of Higher Energy, but at the cellular level, I feel as if my abdomen is having a panic attack with squeamys (screaming and squealing at same time).
As I meditate and further attempt to relax, I remember something Keith had told me during the initial stages of the ceremony yesterday. He had explained that what I was doing by embracing my “powerful me,” was triggering a feeling that I was giving up my identity. That by embracing my power I was giving up who I am.
“If you let this person go,” Keith had told me, “you are giving up all you have ever known.”
Keith had also strongly emphasized the reality of the belief that if I further step into my power, even another inch forward, that my life would fall apart in chaotic betrayal.
Grounding At Last
At just before 8:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning, I meet up with my Utah friends. I have agreed to ride on a tourist shuttle with them back to Antigua where they will spend the night before returning to the airport on Wednesday morning. Given the way I feel, I do not want to go with them at all. I am still floating in some other dimension, still not wanting to come down to earth, still unable to relate to or talk to anyone around me.
But I have agreed to go, so I do. I even pack pajamas and a pillow, just in case I decide to spend the night, but everything in my energy right now says, “drop them off in Antigua and then run home, back to San Marcos to isolate.”
I sit by Greg on the minibus, and for the first hour, I am still in such an energetic daze that I do not feel like talking. But finally, by around 9:30, I suddenly feel quite normal. By the time we reach Antigua, I decide to hang out with my dear friends for the remainder of the day, and I will catch a series of chicken buses in the morning, making my way back to San Marcos before noon.
It is a delightful day – a relaxed day – a day of exploration, naps, more exploration, conversation, and even another margarita. I am deeply grateful that my friends love me enough to put up with my weird behavior of the last twenty-four hours.
Kamikaze Inner Work
Wednesday morning, March 13, 2013, I am awake again at 4:30 a.m. after less than four hours of sleep. At 5:45 a.m., I exchange hugs with my friend and her son. They had let me sleep on a spare bunk in their room. Having already said goodbye to Greg the night before, I make a ten minute walk through sunrise-lit streets and then, with perfect timing, catch a 6:00 a.m. chicken bus at the Antigua market. Two chicken buses, a minibus, a pickup truck, and a Tuk-Tuk later, I arrive back in San Marcos at shortly after 10:30 a.m..
With no time to even rest, I prepare to jump right back into routine, still in a state of exhaustion, ready to return to Keith’s porch for another round of kamikaze inner work.
A New Set of Wings
These last five days have been among the most powerful of my healing journey to date. Interspersed with delightful social activity, I engaged in two more chocolate ceremonies. They were ceremonies filled with both emotional release and with new levels of embracing of my magical, joyful, powerful self. They were ceremonies that culminated in an experience that metaphorically resembled the “spring arriving” scenes of “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.” In profound ways, I know that those Friday and Sunday ceremonies did indeed awaken new levels of power in me as deeper levels of emotional density began to crumble, thaw, and flow away in the fast energetic currents.
These were all trust building experiences, testing the waters of a new me, a joyful and empowered me, showing me that such a “me” is a very real reality.
But with perfect timing social triggers innocently began to nag at me on Sunday evening and Monday morning, causing me to suddenly project my worst nightmare – a lifelong pattern of absolutely knowing that being in my power means trouble – and I mean BIG trouble.
In retrospect, I can clearly see that the small, powerless, invisible victim me really is like a caterpillar, and the new, empowered, joyful me is a butterfly. They are both me. I can choose to remain that caterpillar, or I can choose to let that “me” go and embrace a new set of wings.
In a very real way, I spent Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning semi-existing as both – both the caterpillar and the butterfly. The overwhelming Higher Energies and the all-consuming emotional densities, both at the same time, were literally a type of metamorphosis where I was not quite sure if I was ready to embrace the butterfly, still terrified to let the caterpillar go.
But in many ways, I made a major step in that irreversible shift, in that “conscious choice with blinders on” – choosing to move forward, even when part of me yet clings to elements of the past.
I may not be there yet, but I am starting to like the feel of this new set of wings.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved