Brenda's Bicycles

As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway on Sunday, June 24, 2012, I am delighted by the beautiful speech that Keith delivers at the start of the ceremony. The introduction is one I have longed to hear for a very long time. I almost giggle inside as I realize how the timing synchronizes perfectly with my process. I have struggled for a couple of months as Keith has intentionally allowed various forms of distraction and chaos to dominate frequent ceremonies … and every time this had happened, the resulting growth was profound for me. But just two days ago, I reached beautiful closure in finding peace and non-judgment in the midst of another potentially-chaotic ceremony – a ceremony in which I think I let go of my continued need to see such chaos reflected back to me in the external mirror called reality.

Keith spends nearly half an hour explaining how he works on the porch, talking about fixing energy, asking people to be respectful and to hold space for others, etc…

And he strongly emphasizes that he spends his time focusing on people who want to do real work, that he does not validate people’s ego, or tell them what they want to hear, and that he does work with people who insist on resisting from a place of denial.

“Those with ego might leave the porch feeling cheated, like they were not given their fair assistance, and then go all over town creating drama and talking about it to anyone who will listen,” Keith refers to reports that someone did that again, just last night. “This is not how I work. I follow guidance and work with those who are open to working through their issues.”

I love how Keith is firm yet gentle, clearly explaining why he spends more time with some people, while seeming to pass over others.

Rooted Hooks

During our initial meditation, peace fills my heart, but as I focus on relaxation, I begin to feel mild fear and panic, both in my solar plexus and in my heart. I sit with the fear, simply observing, recognizing that this fear stems from my continued focus on lowering my defenses – defenses that protect me from unwanted energies. Intuitions whisper that the primary defense was a protection from what I perceived as the fixing attacks of my mother and other proponents of my cultural conditioning.

I attempt to breathe energy into my heart, to fill with love, and to function as an empath while assisting my inner child to release this fear and panic … but such attempts fall flat.

As Keith is working with someone else, he shares with her that she has an energy hook rooted in her lower chakras, and that it needs to be pulled out. Keith explains something I have heard him discus before – that energies in the lower chakras can sometimes have very deep roots. Minutes later, Keith also addresses the topic of energy vampires … of how there are some people that do thrive by preying on the energy of others.

“I have been giving my power and energy away to my mother and others throughout my life,” I ponder. “I wonder if I still have some type of hook in my lower chakras that allows such people to take my energy … and that perhaps I need to remove that hook.”

Exploring The Wall

“Sit with that thought,” Keith guides me when I ask for feedback on the issue. “Get to know it … go deeper.”

After a while, intuitions are quite clear that my mother did not suck my energy. It was the other way around. I freely gave it to her. I feel a very strong power cord linked between us … one that remains plugged in … but my mother is not draining me. I am draining myself, continuing to surrender my power in an effort to keep the peace.

As Keith works with an empath across the porch, I begin to assist. As I do so, the pains in my solar plexus greatly increase. In response, I focus on bringing in more light, further energizing my heart – and my heart does indeed feel very powerful right now. I continue functioning as an empath for quite a while. My sensitivities remain muddled and low, but I do experience a great deal of prickling sensation in my hands and even more pains in my solar plexus.

Finally, as I continue to sit with these self-observations, I begin to realize that the pains in my solar plexus are related to my wall – to that protective wall that protects me from the fixing energies of my mother.

“This wall is also an attempt at protecting my power center,” I ponder with intuition. “My power was being constantly drained and I was trying to keep myself safe, to conserve my power, to prevent it from draining away to others.”

Strong Shields

At one point, when I ask Keith for suggestions on how to go deeper, he does not provide a direct answer.

“Brenda,” Keith expresses his guidance, “I am getting that you will find what you need on the inside. Trust that and go further into it.”

Suddenly, I am intuitively inundated with Star Trek metaphors – images and stories from old Star Trek movies and television episodes. Such images are perfect for me, since I have always loved Star Trek – not to the point of obsession, but deeply enjoying every spinoff series and movie. I really was a left-brained geek for much of my life.

I apologize in advance to anyone for whom these metaphors make no sense. I will try to explain the basics as I go along.

“That wall in my solar plexus is my shields,” I suddenly ponder. “I have lived my whole life on emergency red-alert, with nearly all power redirected to my shields to keep me safe from attack.”

“In fact,” I continue, “I am the “Starship Enterprise” and, in an effort to conserve all possible power, I am running with only minimal life support so that I have enough power to keep the shields up. I have been in this state ever since childhood … barely surviving while keeping those shields strong.”

A Shielding Paradox

“All of the loving power I need is surrounding me,” I ponder, “but my shields keep me from accessing that divine power.”

Soon, as an experiment, I imagine myself lowering the shields, hoping to allow in the loving power that will refuel my fuel cells … but suddenly a huge internal resistance fights me.

Following intuitions, I get Scotty on the intercom (the ship’s engineer), explaining to him what my reasoning is for wanting to drop the shields. He begins to comply, but then vehemently fights me.

“Captain,” Scotty protests, “that will make us too vulnerable to attack. We cannot do that, not even for an instant.”

Again, I ponder a strong sense of knowing that these shields are not only protecting us (the ship and crew) from outside energies, but they are also preventing us from accessing the love that we need to replenish and awaken who we are.

Protective Survival

The metaphor continues to unfold in delightful ways. Eventually, it comes to this:

As a child, I was a starship captain, and we were under attack by the world of cultural conditioning and fixing. The attack was so strong and persistent, that survival was impossible. All of our power was drained whenever we fought to defend ourselves. We were ahead of our time … in a universe that was not ready for our magic … and the constant attacks on our struggling ship were just too strong and too draining.

In an act of desperation and survival, we guided the ship into an asteroid belt, found a deep cave in one of the asteroids, parked the ship in that cave, raised our shields, and reduced all other power consumption to minimal life support so that we could survive as long as possible. We knew that one day in the future it would be time to reemerge from that cave into a universe that was then ready for our magic. Until then, we had to hide out, protecting ourselves from attack.

Meanwhile, I had assigned Scotty (the ship’s engineer) to be down in the power core of the ship, diligently watching over and managing the ship’s power resources, making sure that we kept the shields at full strength while not wasting power in other activities. It was crucial to protect ourselves from potential attacks – attacks that were all around us.

A Star-Trek God Drama

As my solar plexus begins to hurt even more, I briefly interrupt Keith, explain my metaphors, and ask for guidance. He again tells me that his guidance is that I need to find the help I need on the inside. I quickly return to my meditation, sitting with this pulsing pain in my solar plexus.

“This pain is Scotty in the power room,” Intuitions suddenly guide me. “He has been locked away, stressing over his job, trying to keep the shields operational for five decades – and he is tired and pissed.”

“And I forgot that I was the ship’s captain,” I suddenly realize. “I am the one that had asked Scotty to sacrifice his life to protect the ship, and he has literally saved our lives during repeated external attacks. He is angry, feeling forgotten and ignored as he fulfills a thankless job, getting no reward or words of gratitude from his captain.”

“This is the God drama,” I ponder with a giggle. “It is an inner part of me – an angry part – an energy that has sacrificed himself in my name. He feels betrayed by me, insisting on an apology, and is tired of playing the game with no reward or appreciation.”

An Inside Job

This metaphor is fun, making it quite clear that the God drama is totally an inside job. It is not some external God who has wronged me … it is I, as the ship’s captain, acting as God, who has ordered my own loyal and dedicated inner energies to protect me, and I have betrayed them, ignored them, and abandoned them.

“I CAN get that fleeting apology from God,” I giggle silently. “But it is upside down and backwards. I am the God that can and needs to provide that apology to my loyal inner energies. It will not come from outside sources. It can only come when I embrace my divine nature and take responsibility that I, as ship’s captain, have victimized my inner energies, and then projected that victimization outward into the mirror called reality. ”

In quiet meditation, I go through a deep outpouring of love and gratitude, extending a heartfelt apology to Scotty (and others) for leaving him down there all alone for five decades, doing a thankless job with no reward. I beg his forgiveness. I have blamed him for keeping these shields up, for preventing us from accessing the divine love that we need. But now, I take full responsibility that it was I who had given him the order to keep the shields at full strength – that he was only serving me with devotion and loyalty.

A Loving Partnership

Suddenly, the meditation takes on a completely new twist.

“Scotty, in this metaphor, is MY masculine power,” I ponder with intuitive shock. “He is my masculine self … and I, Captain Brenda, am the feminine self that Scotty has struggled to protect throughout our lifetime together.”

“In my teens, Scotty stuck his neck out to keep me safe and shielded,” I continue the metaphor. “But I forgot about him, and blamed him for all my problems. I later left him to die while pursuing my life as Brenda. All the while, he continued to faithfully protect me by keeping the inner power safe and intact, and keeping the shields strong.”

“What a beautiful metaphor for the inner masculine and inner feminine battle that has been going on inside of me,” I ponder.

Soon, I ask Scotty to take his role as my co-captain. I quickly imagine that there are two captain’s chairs on the bridge of the Enterprise, with Scotty and I sitting side by side, running the ship as partners. As I do so, I note that the pain in my solar plexus has subsided, and I literally do feel the love between us.

I feel deep gratitude … my feminine side thanking the masculine side for keeping her safe all these years … and my masculine side thanking the feminine for her love, releasing much of the anger and abandonment of the underlying God drama. For the first time ever, I begin to feel a partnership between my masculine and feminine sides. Intuitions tell me that I am just beginning to heal this rift, but I also know that what I am doing in this fun subconscious metaphor is quite magical and profound.

Subconscious Reality

“I literally have been living in a nightmare Star-Trek holodeck,” I ponder the overall metaphor. “I have been hiding from cultural attacks, on red-alert status for so long that it seems normal. I have been protecting myself for so many years that I have actually forgotten what freedom, joy, peace, and happiness even feel like.”

The metaphors are profound, powerful, vivid, and accurately apply to my life in nearly every aspect. I feel the emotional power, and while it is only a made-up story, I absolutely know that it is real in the “communicating with the subconscious” department.

Deep intuitions reassure me that I did real and massive healing work today … but suddenly, my head wants to doubt, calling it all silly make-believe.

“Brenda,” Keith responds when I ask about these head doubts, “If you have to ask that question, you need to go back and watch the “What the Bleep” movies again.”

As I ponder those movies, movies that clearly discuss how our subconscious mind literally rules our reality, I find renewed peace and confidence. I absolutely know that I have been working today with real subconscious energies … with masculine “power parts” of me trying to protect the feminine … and with feminine energies that were still angrily rejecting and blaming the masculine … and that the ultimate forgiveness and healing are very real.

Synchronous Reflections

I almost giggle as I ponder several events from the ceremony today.

I usually abhor it when someone lies down on the ground and rudely sticks their dirty bare feet almost in my face. Today, one beautiful young woman had done just that – a beautiful feminine energy literally forcing her “grounded-to-Mother-Earth” feet right next to my face. I had simply ignored the space intrusion and found great peace.

A while later, a new young man had reclined in the center of the porch, putting his feet together, bringing them up to his buttocks, and then letting his knees fling to either side … and as he did this, I felt him metaphorically throwing his masculine energy at me, with his crotch aimed right at me. At first, I almost asked him to move – to please shift positions – but then I realized that his behavior was my creation, showing me my hatred and inner repulsion for what I perceive as dysfunctional, space-marking masculine power.

Both visual, external metaphors, occurred while immersed in my Star Trek adventure, while exploring issues of rejected and abandoned masculine power, and feminine power that hated the masculine. I love how such events that appear to happen outside, are really perfectly timed, synchronous reflections of what I need to face on the inside.

A Needed Social Respite

“Con-grat-YOU-lations,” Keith giggles at me as the ceremony concludes. “You did profound work today with very little pain and lots of higher energy assistance.”

I love Keith’s feedback, and I love the beautiful and profound metaphors that intuitively surfaced and guided my process today in amazing ways.

And I love even more when Keith, Angela, and I decide to get together for a Sunday evening dinner at a local restaurant. We delight in fun conversation for nearly two hours. I so need the social time. After weeks of intense processing, much of it while feeling like a social loser, such a fun evening of friendly talking is exactly what I need to top off an amazing day of healing.

Reality Creation

Early Monday morning, after a normal routine of meditation, internet, and breakfast, I am just beginning to sit down to write when Sufi steps into the living room. Feeling guided to engage her in conversation, I set my writing aside … and we talk, and talk, and talk.

The conversation is beautiful, but at times gets quite intense and confusing. First, we talk extensively about how we each create our own reality, but when I attempt to share how I like to simplify and view reality as my own “personal holodeck,” I can tell I have pushed one of her buttons. Even though, in concept, we agree on every topic, she sees my metaphor as originating from strong ego – as being deeply negative. I try to explain that it is just my way of simplifying an extremely complex and indescribable topic.

“Each one of us creates our own reality, and when interacting in groups, we somehow create a very complex joint reality where we play scripts for each other,” I attempt to acknowledge that there is a bigger picture. “There are so many dimensions involved in this joint creation, with each interaction serving both parties beautifully.”

“But it is also true that I can simplify that complexity by merely focusing on my little piece of the reality … on my own personal holodeck.” I try to explain. “I don’t need to figure out or concern myself with how the entire Universe works. Personal experience strongly validates that I can simply focus on my own individual interaction with that reality.”

Sufi adamantly rejects my description, and I feel deeply confused, realizing that even though we agree in principle, at many levels, that I am trying to explain my version of truth to someone who cannot see it my way. I quickly back off, apologize for attempting to push my version of truth onto her, and change subjects.

Deaf Ears

To my shock, Sufi soon shares how she sees a great deal of ego in my attempts to discuss my journey on Keith’s porch over the last few months. She perceives that when I talk about my healing journey, and when I discuss how my buttons were pushed etc…, that I am expressing deep judgment onto Paul and others.

“I readily admit that I have been profoundly triggered in ways that have repeatedly served me,” I attempt to respond. “But when I talk about experiences that have triggered me on the porch, and how I have subsequently healed myself, I am not judging anyone. I am simply describing my healing journey, as I perceive it. I am actually quite grateful for how things have unfolded … even though they have been extremely painful. In every instance, I took my projections inside, took personal responsibility for my triggers, and healed the issue inside myself.”

“Especially, with Paul,” I share my truth, “I always ate humble pie and took my projections inside. There is no judgment to be found here … no ego in my perceptions … it is just the opposite … I am healing ego … working on undoing it and changing the film in my inner-reality projector.”

But the more I try to defend the purity of my heart, to simply explain that I am trying to share the healing journey from a space of integrity, I perceive that my words seem to fall on deaf, judgmental ears.

Childhood Understanding

Suddenly, after a long and confusing conversation with my dear friend – a conversation that traces my journey on Keith’s porch into childhood pain – I suddenly realize what is happening.

“I am projecting my childhood inability to talk to my mother about my perceptions and my reasons for crying,” Intuitions begin to giggle inside. “I am seeing Sufi as my mother, and recreating exactly what happened to me as a child. No matter how hard I tried to explain to my mother my reasons for crying, I was seen as being judgmental, in my ego, and was made-wrong. My perceptions were rejected as slamming others. My genuine heart was misunderstood and judged.”

“Or as Keith might say,” I continue pondering, “I was emotionally brutalized for being in my integrity and trying to simply share genuine perceptions.”

“And the more I tried to explain and defend myself, the deeper I dug my own hole,” I ponder in pain.

As I take this whole conversation into a childhood reality, I quickly become deeply emotional as muffled sobs consume me. This childhood emotion has suddenly become very real and very deep as it begins to flow up and out of me.

Sufi and I sit in complete silence for several minutes. Finally, I give her a hug, thank her, tell her that this whole conversation has led me to a beautiful understanding, but that I need to go into this emotion alone.

Intense Release

Seconds later, I am in my bedroom, allowing wave after wave of sobbing, dry-heaving tears to flow through me. The emotional agony that accompanies the release is gut-wrenching – total sadness at not having been able to safely express myself, to be heard, to be understood, or to be validated by my own mother. And then, there is intense sadness at remembering that I totally gave up on even trying to express my emotions. Doing so always got me into trouble.

In fact, as I dig into my teenage memories, I rarely remember ever crying except when watching a sad movie, or when someone died. In other situations, I saw crying as weak and unmanly – as something that would expose my hidden feminine nature.

After these insights flow, I soon bring in light and begin to experience powerful energy in my head light that transmutes that sadness.

Self-Loathing Voices

Then, to my shock, a few minutes later, a hidden reservoir of self-hatred begins to scream for expression, boiling up through my awareness.

“You are such a loser for creating this awkward conversation with Sufi,” these loathing inner voices begin to rant. “You just rambled on and on, digging your hole deeper and deeper like you have done your whole life. You are just being a stupid freak and making things worse. Now, Sufi hates you too, blah, blah, blah…”

I do my best to ignore these ranting, angry, self-hating voices while continuing to focus on bringing in more light and love.

“Bobby and Sharon,” I ask my inner children, “will you roll these voices up in a carpet and haul them off to the angelic dumpster for me?”

As I imagine the unfolding scene, I literally feel those inner voices kicking and screaming, demanding that I listen, refusing to go away.

The feelings of self-judgment and self-hatred continue to mumble in my head. Finally, after twenty minutes of trying to remain in the light … of trying to ignore and discard these voices … I make a new choice.

“If these voices are demanding my attention,” I ponder an upside down approach, “perhaps I need to surrender to them, to dive deeper into them, to allow them to be my teachers.”

Real Emotion

As I surrender to the voices, I again sink into a deep round of emotional release, letting the emotion flow rather than trying to push it down. After perhaps ten minutes, I reach what feels like a bottom, and I bring in more light. Very soon, I start to feel much better – actually good enough to return to my computer.

As I finish up a few notes, Sufi comes out and we talk for an hour or so. To my surprise, as I attempt to describe my journey into childhood emotion, another layer of that intense childhood pain rages through me.

“I was not free to talk about my feelings,” Intuitions flow as I share with Sufi. “Tears were wrong, and that was that. Crying was never justified … having deep feelings was never justified … and my reasons for having those feelings were invalidated and made wrong.”

For yet another hour, I meditate silently, allowing intense emotions to flow through me. What is amazing, is that now, rather than needing to cry my way through this layer of emotions, I feel them as a very strong flow of agitated, vibrating energy.

It is agonizing, but beautiful at the same time. I feel the agitated vibrations in my heart – vibrations that are moving through me and out of me on their way to transmutation. I absolutely know these are real suppressed emotions from teenage years. In fact, the emotion is so real that I find it extremely difficult not to grab onto it or make it real in the now.

This is very real dense emotion from the past … real emotion that has been trapped inside me and that is now flowing out of me without being reenergized. But the whole process requires intense focus on my part.

A River Of Sewage

I am deeply grateful for how Sufi gently and lovingly triggered me today – and for how she later supported my process in moving the emotions that were unexpectedly unearthed as a result.

Even late in the afternoon, I still feel this intense agitated river of emotion continuing to flow through me – one that could be aptly described as a moving river of sewage. I do feel a good portion of the emotion, but I somehow manage not to attach to it.

Shortly before 6:00 p.m., I stroll out to Keith’s home. I feel honored by the opportunity to spend yet another evening participating in a beautiful Skype session with a dear friend back in Utah.

“I have had one of those wildly emotional days, and it is still flowing through me,” I share with my friend before we actually begin the session.

During the session, this river of emotional sewage continues to flow through me. I feel it intensely, both as tip-of-the-iceberg emotions and as very agitated energy flowing through my heart. It is all I can do to maintain my sanity while I attempt to hold space for my friend. I never lose sight of what I know is happening, but the experience is quite overwhelming and the emotional river is intense.

Suicidal Triggers

This river of agitated emotion flows in waves throughout the Skype session. I take delight that my friend has an amazing meditation, one that brings giggles of joy at various times.

But I have to admit, that this also triggers my God drama … my “F@ck you God” feelings at watching yet another beautiful person have such an amazing experience while I continue to struggle on the hard bus.

Soon, the emotions are too strong, and I burst into muffled sobs. We are at the end of the session, and I try to stifle sobs as we say our goodbyes. I do not want to rain on my dear friend’s magical parade.

“Brenda has tapped into a new level of stuff that is flowing through her, and she is deep into that right now,” Keith explains to my friend after I make an attempt to speak through my sobs.

A few minutes later, I do manage to pull myself together enough to say my own goodbyes.

“I’m going to walk Brenda home, now, or maybe push her off a cliff or something,” Keith jokes to my friend.

I am quite surprised by Keith’s bizarre joking, but take no offense. I actually find it funny and perfectly appropriate for the moment – amazingly appropriate.

“I’ll help you push me off the cliff,” I respond through sobs that again burst forth.

Suddenly, deep suicidal feelings rage through that river of sewage. These are intense teenage emotions. I had no idea such feelings could still remain inside me.

Upbeat Validation

“How are you doing Brenda?” Keith soon asks as we prepare to walk back to town.

I quickly share major details of my day, and explain what I believe to be happening with me … and with this bizarre river of emotional sewage that continues to energetically rage onward.

“Brenda,” Keith validates my experience. “As you have been talking I have repeatedly checked with my guidance to find something to tell you about how you might be missing this or that, looking for some way to help, but my guidance is very clear, over and over telling me that you are perfect and ‘right-on’ with your assessment of what is happening.”

“You are flowing teenage emotions,” Keith continues, “having to feel some of it, not attaching or identifying with it, but having to feel it intensely. It is a powerful educational lesson that you are in … one that has been building up for months.”

“You couldn’t have done this, three or four months ago,” Keith adds with an upbeat tone as he walks me home.

“I could not have done it even a month ago,” I respond with a painful giggle, still feeling the energy flow through me.

As Keith drops me off at the bottom of my steep apartment steps, he again congratulates me, reassuring me that I am at a powerful place in my process.

Another Layer

When Sufi walks in a while later, she glances around the living room with an amazed look on her eyes.

“Whatever you are doing,” Sufi tells me with giggles, “you are doing it beautifully. I see angel lights all over the room.”

I can only imagine what Sufi sees. She is deeply sensitive to energies, and has been since her earliest memories. All I know is that I feel very positive and upbeat, filled with optimism – and her feedback makes me giggle, even though the river of emotion continues to lightly flow – and will keep flowing for much of the night.

As I later rest on my pillow, I ponder back to what Keith had told me on the way home when I had asked about my earlier conversations with Sufi. I love how Keith agreed, telling me that I was trying to speak a version of truth in a way that my friend was not able to hear. And he also congratulated me on how I used that experience to take me deep into surrendering to childhood emotion – a process that had allowed me to take the lid of this massive river of emotional sewage – allowing me to have another layer of powerful opening and learning.

Radiating Self-Love

Tuesday morning, June 26, 2012, I have every intention to write, but inner energies resist. Soon, I begin to watch a continuous flow of Glee episodes. By midday, the television episodes have taken me into another intense layer of healing related to transgender issues and not fitting in at school. I love how these episodes repeatedly and gently take me into teenage social healing.

Before bed, I meditate for an hour, and then imagine myself spending time in the mountains as I used to do – singing inspiring spiritual songs, and reviewing my personal mission statement with passion. This is something I have not done in a very long time. I am alive with energy … and radiating with self-love.

Magical Star Trek Metaphors

I giggle when I realize how beautifully a few strong pains in my solar plexus transformed into a powerful and deeply meaningful subconscious journey. Who would have thought that Star Trek metaphors could take me into a journey of such profound clarity?

It is now clear that, as a very young child, I put a masculine-energy part of myself – the maintainer of my power – in charge of keeping my shields at full strength to protect myself from the onslaught of societal, cultural, and religious programming – and then forgot about it. That loyal part of me never gave up, continuing to protect me through the painful years, and still doing the same as I now try to wake up and heal. Rather than judging this part of me, I owe him a huge debt of gratitude. He is the most loving and loyal part of my masculine energy, and I honor him deeply.

And it is also quite obvious that the God drama – one that I have been projecting outward in every which way – is also an inside job. I am that dastardly “God” that has betrayed and victimized my own inner energies, abandoning them, not guiding them, ignoring them, and forgetting about them. And it is I who can set it all right, apologizing to those betrayed aspects of self, learning to love them by developing more self-love, self-acceptance, and deep compassion.

And wow, did I ever have an intense journey with that river of emotional sewage that flowed through me yesterday. Such learning could never have been gained from a book. It is something that one has to experience for themselves.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved