About a year and a half ago, Keith gave me an Aloe Vera plant from his garden. Ever since, that plant has found a home in a large pot, sitting on a table out on my patio. After returning from a three-month trip last summer, I was saddened to find my little green friend lying on the ground. The pot was broken, soil was scattered, and many of the lower leaves where somewhat brown and beginning to shrivel at the ends. Last October, in honor of my medicinal plant, I purchased a new pot, replanted it, and placed it back on the table. Ever since, those bottom Aloe leaves have remained somewhat brown, shrivled, and ugly.
As I fast-forward to the present, it is late Friday morning, June 22, 2012, when Sufi mentions that the lower leaves of my Aloe plant are dying from a lack of water.
“I have lots of ionized water to water it with … and we could add flower extracts, blah, blah, blah,” Sufi eagerly volunteers. “The Aloe plant is a sentient living being and this would really help it to heal.”
I pause in shock for a minute to gather my bearings. Ever since my dear roommate has moved in, I have purchased the vast majority of our drinking water and other extra supplies, and now she wants to water a plant with that expensive drinking water. I cannot believe what I am hearing.
Loving Assertiveness
I remain calm and loving, but the ensuing conversation catches me off guard. I gently respond to Sufi that if she wants to go purchase more drinking water on her own, and then ionize it, that she is free to water the plant however she wants.
“But please,” I ask her, “do not use the drinking water that I have purchased. The tap water is fine for the Aloe. I don’t want to use my expensive water when it is not necessary.”
“But it is a sentient being and needs healthy water,” Sufi protests.
For nearly an hour Sufi continues her protest as I attempt to explain that the tap water here is natural, having no chemicals, coming from rain and springs … that the only reason we do not drink it is because it also contains amoebas and giardia – little parasites that will not affect the plant in any way. The heated discussion never turns into an argument, but I feel horrible for being so firm in speaking the truth-as-I-perceive-it in my heart. I recognize this as an exercise in being lovingly assertive – in setting loving-but-firm boundaries – but I feel awful and even cruel for telling Sufi “No” … for unflinchingly standing my ground.
“I honor your beliefs,” I express, “but I do not believe the way you do. Please honor my beliefs, and when you get your own aloe plant, you can care for it however you wish.”
A Difficult Discussion
The whole issue takes me deep into inner frustration regarding how so many people in the new age spiritual movements have such strong beliefs about this or that … and they are so convinced as to the absolute truth of their beliefs that they cannot rest while someone else follows a different heartbeat. I have repeatedly been confronted by situations where I have had to stand firm in the midst of an “almost attack” by someone who wants to preach a certain diet, exercise, meditation, yoga, medical views, or nutrition issues, onto me. I honor their views as true for them, but my heart repeatedly reminds me that I have a different path to follow – a path to work with things at an energetic level rather than on a physical body level.
I totally believe that our actual beliefs about a certain practice have far more influence and power over our life, than does the practice itself.
By the time the conversation ends, I have been forced to be bluntly honest about various aspects of expense sharing in which I am carrying a major burden, subsidizing my roommate’s presence in a way that is costing me money. I feel guilty for even mentioning these facts, but the conversation forces such sharing – even though I have already found peace in so many ways that the benefits of my friend’s presence far outweigh the added expense for water and other supplies that she consumes.
The gentle loving triggers that come from sharing space have brought deep growth in many ways.
At the end of our difficult talk, I get up and hug Sufi, expressing my guilt for having so bluntly-but-lovingly shared my feelings – repeatedly reassuring her that I love her, that I am grateful for her presence in my home, and that I am not mad at her in any way. The discussion has been long and bizarrely intense … yet we have reached a loving and peaceful conclusion.
“Go ahead and use the purified water for the aloe plant if you feel a strong need to do so,” I tell Sufi, coming from a place of genuine love and peace in my heart.
Perfectly Peaceful
I still feel a slight emotional charge as I walk out to Keith’s porch for a Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony. I focus on Keith’s former words about how Sufi’s presence is lovingly triggering me into new growth … and that if I were to attempt to avoid such triggering, that the whispers would likely return as shouts in some other way. I also review the profound growth that came from taking personal responsibility for the buried metaphors that resulted from a silly little tube of toothpaste.
“I wonder what magical wonder this unexpected morning trigger will bring to my life,” I ponder, as the ceremony gets underway.
Later, I realize that by trying to defend my own opinions against a perceived attack, I have been partially giving away my power – that in trying to be right, even in the tiniest way, I am strengthening conflict. It is a lesson of learning how to allow others to have their own truth, while not giving away my own power in any way.
As the normal starting time comes and goes, only one other person has arrived on the porch. I giggle inside as I realize that I am perfectly peaceful with the fact that we do not actually start until 1:00 p.m. – perfectly peaceful with the fact that most people show up quite late – perfectly peaceful with everything being exactly as it is, with no judgment coming from my old cultural conditioning.
Another Opportunity
Again, for the first hour of the ceremony, the porch is engulfed in social talking. Even though we do have a couple of new people today, Keith does not do any introductions, not talking about his background, about chocolate, or about anything else related to what we do on the porch.
“This is Keith’s porch,” I ponder with an unattached giggle. “If his guidance tells him that this is what is necessary for today, then I can support that fact without judgment.”
I delight with how perfectly peaceful I feel today. I see the perfection in breaking from routine, in following the flow of the energies, and I clearly see that today is another opportunity to find loving peace. In fact, I clearly recognize this as a beautiful stage-play for me – another opportunity to make a different choice. The beginning today is nearly identical to that crazy ceremony on Wednesday, but today, I see it with love rather than judgment.
New-Age Sticks
During the “Glow Meditation,” I focus on my own process – a process of continuing the meditation from my private session early yesterday evening. As I review how I gave that big “God-stick” back to my mother and to my ancestors and church leaders, I suddenly realize that I have many more sticks to give back. Most of those sticks have to do with new-age dogmatic beliefs that are pushed around in what I perceive as a new-age circus – beliefs preached as being facts – beliefs that are actually “guilt-ed” onto those who do not agree and comply.
Many of these are beliefs that focus on physical-reality aspects of “right and wrong” or “good and evil,” – beliefs preaching more shoulds, musts, need-tos, and judgments. These are beliefs imposed by well-intentioned people as being requirements to be a “good spiritual citizen.” As spiritual programming from the consensus new-age movement, many of these beliefs have absolutely nothing to do with true spirituality, but are simply new-age versions of ancient dogma.
I begin to give these sticks back, one at a time.
In an effort not to offend anyone, I will not list the sticks in my writing, suffice it to say, that everything we think we know is potentially one of these sticks.
Resistance Sticks
Soon, as I realize that there are far too many sticks to return individually, I retire to my metaphorical inner conference room and invite all of these new-age energies to join me. I ask each belief to place a stick on the table. Then I ask Bobby and Sharon (my inner children) to gather the sticks into a huge bundle, and to carry them off to our Higher Self.
Without needing to know details, I meditatively ask the originators of each of these sticks to come to my Higher Self and retrieve their appropriate sticks. When this process is complete, I imagine the light as transmuting whatever sticks remain.
Next, I return to the table in my conference room and imagine all of my inner resistance energies as joining me there.
“I would like each of you energies to expose your own sticks, and to place them on the table,” I direct this inner visualization.
Soon I have a table filled with things such a protection, judgment, fear, and projection. I do not try to itemize each stick, not using rational mind to analyze every detail. Instead, I simply ask Bobby and Sharon to carry all of these new sticks off to our Higher Self.
A Porch Observer
Soon, I feel guided to become an observer of the porch. I watch as Keith works with a young man who is stuck and in deep denial. As Keith moves on, one of my friends moves in to work with this young man. I observe that my friend’s behavior seems to be totally “fixing” – enabling the young man to avoid going deeper into his journey – instead allowing him to focus at the surface level of energy flow rather than going to the true subconscious source of his blockage. I clearly recognize that this process is giving this young man a glimpse of what lies on the other side of his denial, but that it is not solving anything in the longer term. I observe with no judgment – simply perceiving what is.
A few minutes later, I watch as Keith works with a beautiful young woman – an unknowing empath herself. But as soon as Keith moves on, yet another friend moves in and begins to do energy work on her. Again, I observe that what I am witnessing is a form of “energy-work” fixing, but that it IS serving a purpose for someone who is too stuck to dive deeper into the true cause of her blockage.
Motherly Insights
Suddenly, I realize that both of these ongoing situations are modeling my mother. Both of these friends are magical healers … and both of them have their own blind spots as to what they may or may not be doing to assist others (as do I) … but both are using their gifts to do the absolute best that they know how.
“Their motivation is pure,” I contemplate. “Neither fully understands what Keith does and how he works … neither has a deep grasp on the concepts of subconscious inner work, on creating their own reality, etc. … but they are both engaged in their own unique and beautiful journey, both perfect where they are.”
“This is how my mother was,” I ponder with pure insight. “Yes, she fixed the hell out of me, but she did it from the only truth that she knew and understood. And she did it with the purest of motivations that she could access – fervently doing so for my healing and benefit as she saw it.”
“And yes, her fixing did hurt me deeply,” I continue to ponder, “but it was all by my own design.”
Motherly Projections
As Keith progressively works around the porch, I continue to focus on this unfolding understanding.
“My resentment at many ‘unhealed healers’ is based on my dear mother’s fixing,” I deepen my insights. “Her fixing came from a place of not understanding my version of the heart-based truth that resonated within me. As a result, I perceived her behavior as an attack on me, as invalidating and disempowering me, and as deeply damaging me.”
“When I see other healers coming from a place of surface-level fixing – from a place that does not resonate with my own heart-based version of the truth,” I ponder with delight. “This is why I project that same “my-mother-is-attacking-me-pain” onto those healers.”
“I am seeing all of these healers as a projected version of my mother,” I ponder. “All of my painful projections onto ‘unhealed healers’ in the ‘new age circus’ are projections of my own childhood pain onto someone that I perceive as potentially harming and/or damaging others.”
I giggle inside as I focus on seeing everything around me through the eyes of “loving what is” … of allowing, surrendering, and being at complete peace with everything.
Two Peas In A Pod
Just as Keith nears completion of his first round of the porch, as he begins to turn to me, Paul interrupts and asks for help.
As Keith asks Paul to close his eyes and to go inside, I can only giggle when Paul protests, insisting that he needs Keith’s help, that he cannot do this by himself. I giggle because this is my own struggle as of late – my God-drama belief that Keith is not going to help me.
“I’m trying to help you, but cannot do it if you resist and fight me,” Keith responds firmly. “Now go inside and …”
Paul complies and Keith skillfully guides him to the edge of his inner blockage – to a place where there is too much fear to go deeper.
“You and Brenda are like two peas in a pod,” Keith suddenly surprises me. “You both set up intense blockages that would create great fear and stuckness so that the only way to move beyond the block is to develop compassion, self-love, and self acceptance – and to be completely humiliated.”
It shocks me to be compared to my projection-buddy Paul, but I clearly recognize the truth in Keith’s words – at least as they apply to me.
Powerful Compassion
I will not discuss Paul’s process here, other than to say that Keith gets very blunt and honest – doing so lovingly-but-firmly, more so than I have ever seen Keith do with Paul.
As the process continues, I begin to feel deep empathy for Paul’s stuckness, especially when I can see so many parallels between our respective projections and God dramas.
“That is something that Brenda is an expert in,” Keith again surprises me as he tries to help Paul understand his state of stuckness.
“It took me three years of humiliation before I was able to move out of my stuckness,” Keith adds as he continues his profound guidance. “But I am not here to feed your ego … I am here to speak the hard truth.”
I know Keith is desperately attempting to help my projection buddy – partly being so tough about it because in just over a week, Keith will be ending ceremonies and preparing to travel. I feel deep love for Paul, and I see that Keith is acting from the same energy of unconditional caring.
Soon, I imagine my own inner children running over to hug and play with Paul’s inner child. I send him deep space-holding love … and I am completely unattached as to whether he receives that love, feeling a powerful compassion for where he is at in his process.
This entire process fills me with deep healing as I ponder back to the many times Paul has pushed my core-issue buttons in agonizing ways – to the times he has screamed and yelled at me in the middle of my vulnerability. Today, I see him as a wounded little inner child that needs my love. I cannot give it to him in person, but I can share it energetically. He could not receive it from me any other way.
Say What?
Finally, in the midst of Paul’s silent journey, Keith glances at me several times, makes eye contact, and encourages me to begin sharing my process. I hesitate because I do not want to be guilty of interrupting the silence of Paul’s journey.
The moment I begin to talk, Paul stands up in frustration, packs up his belongings and leaves. I perceive that Paul is deeply sulking, feeling profoundly rejected in his own version of the God drama. I relate so powerfully, having been tempted to do the same thing so many times in the past when Keith’s words were hard for me to accept.
“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith asks with a glowing thumbs-up gesture.
“I am doing really well,” I start to respond with a giggle. “When I walked into that …”
“Stop right there!” Keith jokes with me in a serious way. “Wow! Did I hear what I thought I heard? Did you say that you are doing really well?”
Keith quickly admits that he is simply teasing me, because so often, as I begin sharing my process, I am deeply mired in struggle.
I spend nearly ten minutes explaining my amazing journey of insights, being quite careful not to mention names of the people who had triggered my insights about unhealed healers.
Humble Pride
“I have a wall erected to keep out my mother’s fixing and conditional love, and that wall keeps out all love,” I share with Keith. “I am now focusing on relaxing that wall. As I do so I am feeling all kinds of energy expansion in my high-heart / upper-chest regions.”
Keith and I discuss this beautiful opening for a few minutes before he again moves on to work with others. Suddenly, the ceremony quickly disintegrates as most people begin to leave. I sit and enjoy my beautiful energy until the very end. I love the unfolding sensations of relaxation in my heart chakra. And even my arms seem to be relaxing slightly, making me wonder if my clenching is part of that protective wall trying to keep my mother’s fixing at bay.
As I prepare to leave, I share final insights with Keith and give him a quick thank-you hug. Keith responds with beautiful compliments on my energy today, sharing how pleased he is with my work, on my insights, how I had held space, and how powerfully I had assisted as an empath with one particular woman. I bask in the glowing comments, wishing I could really sense how I actually helped that one empath woman, because I had been assisting from a space of blind intuition.
As I walk home, powerful peaceful energy resonates from my heart. In a very humble way, I am quite proud of myself.
Internet Woes
As I arrive at home, I note that my internet is not functioning, and all symptoms point to the fact that the wireless signal IS reaching my home, but that the internet cable has been unplugged down at the internet café itself – at the place where I get my internet access. Unplugging the cable is something that the workers frequently do when there are internet problems. Usually, they quickly plug the cable back in when the problems are resolved, but sometimes I must walk fifty yards down the street to kindly request that they reconnect me.
When I step into the small internet café, the young man behind the counter is someone I have never before seen – someone who appears just to be filling in at the last minute. I am concerned, because if this young man cannot solve my problem, I know I will have no internet until sometime later tomorrow morning.
“The wireless is unplugged, can you please plug it back in?” I ask kindly and confidently.
“It IS plugged in,” the young man responds after barely glancing down at the router.
His energy and attitude are clearly uncaring, unhelpful, and almost depressed.
“But you just looked from above,” I attempt to share the solution. “Normally, when it is unplugged, the worker bends down and reaches back behind to check and reconnect the cable on the backside of the router.”
“It IS plugged in,” the young man again responds without looking. “The internet is slow … that is all I can say.”
An Opportunity To Glow
I begin to walk away, resolving myself to the fact that I will have no internet all night. But then, I turn around in frustration, and return to the doorway, speaking from a space of empowerment, but also feeling annoyed and frustrated.
“Excuse me,” I speak firmly to get the young man’s attention. “I am a paying customer and I really want to use the internet tonight. I would really appreciate it if you would at least act like you cared about my problem.”
“There is nothing I can do,” he defends himself in a resentful, uncaring way.
As I sit in my living room, I attempt to love and accept what is. But I am also slightly fuming and obsessed, feeling quite frustrated by the young man’s attitude. Quietly, I ponder my choices.
“This is an opportunity to find peace by simply accepting and loving what is,” I repeatedly remind myself.
“No, this is an opportunity to practice lovingly speaking my truth to resolve a pressing issue,” I retort.
Soon, inner guidance tells me that either statement could be true, but if I choose the latter statement, I have an opportunity to “go to glow” and to practice resolving an issue using love.
A Glowing Solution
After putting on my shoes and grabbing my umbrella (it is raining), I walk back to the internet café, filling myself with a “Glow Meditation” energy – one of finding a glowing smile in my heart.
“I just rebooted my computer and the internet still does not work.” I begin to explain from a space of love. “I know that the problem is definitely on your end of the link. Do you perhaps have the ability to call the owner or someone else who can tell you how to resolve the issue for me? I really need to use the internet tonight and early tomorrow morning.”
After pausing for a second, the young man shifts his attitude, agrees to make a phone call, and walks over to the telephone. As he begins to dial a number, however, he suddenly stops. I perceive that he is embarrassed to ask for help.
“It is not the satellite link that is the problem, and the modem is sending a strong signal,” I again explain with loving patience, but firmness. “The problem is that the internet cable is not connected to the back of the modem. This is always the case when I have this issue.”
Finally, after unsuccessfully fiddling with a few more things, the young man swallows his pride and calls someone who works fulltime at the internet café. A minute later, he bends down under the counter, reaches behind, and plugs the cable into the modem.
“There were two cables that had been unplugged, and I did not know that,” the young man shares the solution, not even acknowledging that this is exactly what I had attempted to tell him, several times.
When I arrive at home, my internet works beautifully.
“Yippee,” I giggle inside. “I have internet, and I resolved the issue with love and gentle glowing, with sweet-talking persistence. It was a very good lesson for me. It doesn’t even matter that the young man never apologized for his attitude.”
Green Paper With Pictures
Early Saturday morning, June 23, 2012, I enjoy a little internet time before gobbling down my chocolate oatmeal with papaya.
As I prepare to write, my roommate Sufi steps into the living room. I take the opportunity to engage her in a “clearing the air” conversation, hoping to resolve the slight tension that had lingered after our discussion about watering the aloe plant with store-bought, Brenda-purchased purified water.
“Our conversation set me up beautifully for the work I ended up doing in the chocolate ceremony,” I thank Sufi for her loving and gentle triggers.
“It triggered me in my own issues too,” Sufi lovingly responds.
“Would it be disempowering to your process if I were to donate some green paper with pictures on it,” Sufi jokes with me.
“Absolutely not,” I giggle. “My side of the process is to find loving peace and to be perfectly content whether you do, or do not, donate money. Your process is to decide how or if you will contribute. I will gladly accept whatever green paper you wish to donate.”
Magical Energy
Even with many interruptions throughout the day, I manage to spend a beautiful day of writing. My processing lately has been so intense, that this is the first time in nine days where I actually have the time and energy to sit down to resume my deeply integrative process of writing.
Early Saturday evening, I proudly click the publish button on “An Eye-Opening Empath Education.” As usual, the writing brings great insight and understanding to events that happened nearly eight weeks earlier. Part of me is somewhat stressed that I am so far behind in my writing, but the peaceful observer in me knows that all is well. Very soon, Keith will be traveling, and I will have all the time in the world to integrate and write.
After a late evening of watching two more episodes of Glee – a television series that is indeed helping me to integrate the healing of countless high school social issues – I retire to my bed, giggling and flowing with a great deal of magical energy.
An Aloe Vera Reality
I continue to feel amazed by the synchronous flow that guides my process. How could I possibly predict that a silly-but-intense, unexpected, out-of-nowhere debate over watering a suffering sentient Aloe Vera plant could trigger such subsequent growth and insight – growth into lovingly speaking truth – growth related to new-age beliefs – growth related to green paper with pictures – and growth about going to glow.
This has been two days of several difficult discussions, both before, during, and after a beautiful Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony. In every case, I have learned the power of approaching differences from a place of inner heart-glowing love – the power to find peace in each situation.
The first discussion over using purchased purified water to care for an Aloe Vera plant resulted in profound insights about my journey with some new age beliefs – a journey where I have often felt triggered and attacked by people who wish to force their version of truth onto me. The resulting growth has helped me to understand that I do honor and respect all paths – all people’s resonating truth – but that I must be true only to the truth that resonates in my own heart – a truth that guides me to see reality as a manifestation of energy. I see the physical world and body as a projection that originates from the emotional body … and that to alter or heal the physical, the true answer is to heal the underlying emotions.
This journey guided me into further releasing those “new-age God-sticks” and other “resistance-sticks” – a journey that ultimately guided me into understanding how all of my resistance toward any type of “fixing by others” – or beliefs forced on me by others – is ultimately my projected childhood pain at having felt damaged and harmed by my mother’s well-intentioned attempts to help me.
And I absolutely love the deep compassion I now feel for my projection buddy Paul. Who would have thought that, at the core level, we are both dealing with the same type of stuckness and wounded-child pain – just approaching it quite differently.
I love how growth can be so random, unexpected, and profound when simply remaining present, learning to respond with love to whatever flows my way.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved