… this blog is the second installment of an intense healing saga. If you have not done so, I recommend first reading the blog titled “A Crash Course” …
Pressurized tears beg for soothing release as I finally seat myself on Keith’s magical porch. It is the final Monday in November – but calendars are the furthest thing from my mind. I feel as if I am on the literal brink of being committed to an insane asylum.
The floodgates of tearful sobs quickly burst open as I begin to share details of the crazy out-of-control emotional roller-coaster ride on which I now find myself. The slow and difficult climbs to energetic heights followed by wild and crazy falls that suddenly appear out of nowhere – the unanticipated emotions that fly in my face around every sharp curve – all of these unexpected and inexplicable mood shifts have me paralyzed in fright.
One-Size-Fits-All
Keith’s first words surprise me as I finally finish filling him in with my detailed stories.
“Perfect!” Keith shares with loving confidence. “You are right at the place where your little child was at prior to the time of your shutdown.”
Keith goes on to explain the obvious – something I can no longer deny – that as a child I was so overwhelmed and terrified by the crazy barrage of emotional densities that I could no longer maintain my sanity. I absolutely reached a place of crying out to higher energies in pain, desperately exclaiming that, “If this is what it feels like to have this magic, then I don’t want it. It is too painful, too scary, and too much trouble.”
Yes, I intuitively know that this is exactly how I felt as a tiny child in a crazy world of stuffed emotions and organized sheep training – a world where the adults that were supposed to help me were instead the ones who were squishing me into a one-size-fits-all religious/cultural box. I was overwhelmed and terrified, desperately trying to blow the fuse on my magic. It was my only way to survive.
Too Much Work
“I’m terrified right now!” I exclaim to Keith. “Based on what happened this morning, I now know that if I maintain constant vigilance and work with focused attention, that I can keep these emotions outside of me – and that I can send them to higher energies for transmutation.”
“But it is so much work!” I add through stressed tears. “I am frightened that I will not be able to maintain such a balanced and grounded spiritual state – afraid that I have to be totally on guard, and that if I make one false step in a moment of innocent distraction, that I will slip and fall, once again losing myself in the emotional depths.”
A Frightened Child
“I don’t know how to tell which emotions are mine and which belong to others.” I express my feeling of desperation.
“Perfect again.” Keith banters back at me. “This is also where you were as a child.”
As I briefly pause and meditate, I can indeed feel that overwhelming confusion of my frightened and stuck inner child.
“Connect with that child.” Keith guides me.
Waves Of Doubt
As I attempt repeatedly to meditate into a connection with little Sharon, I get the strange sensation that the lights keep going out. Part of me does not want to connect as I experience waves of doubt.
“Treat those waves of doubt like real waves.” Keith further guides me. “Let them just flow as they approach the shore and then break onto the sandy beach, disappearing into nothingness.”
“Let the doubts flow through you,” Keith adds, “but do not buy them. Now, connect with that little child …”
Fears And Tears
Again, I try connecting with my child while piles of tear-saturated tissues build up on the ground beside me. I do not understand why I find this task to be such a struggle.
“When you are crying,” Keith shares comforting insights, “you are connected to that child. You are feeling your child’s pain. This pain is exactly what you were feeling when you decided to shutdown your magic.”
I continue to experience inexplicable resistance to partnering with higher energies. I am still not sure if I can consciously make this connection. Each time I try, I end up sinking into deep fears and tears.
A Higher Love
“If you don’t do this today,” Keith validates my fear, “then that is just fine. Even if it takes days or weeks, that is fine too.”
I love how Keith frequently reassures me that my higher energies love me so much and so unconditionally that they do not care if I take minutes or multiple lifetimes to process through these emotional densities and belief systems. From a Higher Self perspective, there is nothing but pure non-attachment, genuine unconditional love, and absolute recognition that everything is perfect, regardless of how long the process takes me.
Waves Of Tears
“Bring in some light,” Keith again encourages me, “even if it is just a tiny drop.”
“I don’t know how.” I exclaim with frustration. “I feel myself resisting and can’t do it.”
“Just express your intent and then step back … trusting and allowing.” Keith coaches me.
As I finally allow what feels like a tiny drop of light, I sink deeper into painful waves of tears. Each wave is initially intense and overwhelming – but suddenly feels as if it hits a wall, breaking on the sand before leaving me numb and detached for another minute or two. Then the next wave hits.
Before And After
“I’m experiencing feelings of intense hopelessness and confusion.” I express to Keith after enduring many such waves in this intense emotional surf.
“More light.” Keith responds.
“I don’t want this ability if this is what it means.” I express in frustration.
“More light.” Keith again responds as a few more breakers rub my face in the sand.
Finally, I experience no emotion at all – simply being overcome with numbness and indifference.
“You have just experienced the ‘before, during, and after’,” Keith shares.
When I query Keith with confusion, he explains that I just re-experienced the hopelessness and confusion that led to my shutdown, the pain and agony of having to go through it, and the complete numbness that I felt afterward.
Trained And Chained
I begin to ramble a little, talking about the conditioning of a society of sheep, expressing how I feel as if I was methodically turned into a faithful and unquestioning sheep – and then branded.
“This IS what actually happened to you,” Keith responds with confidence.
After a few minutes of silent meditation, I see an inner visual of myself as a sheep, with my front and back legs bound in chains and shackles.
“Not only was I trained to be a sheep.” I express to Keith in deep painful recognition. “But I was also chained as a sheep.
This image causes me to pass through another round of deep sobbing.
Locked Away
“I just connected with little three-year-old Sharon in her cage in my abdomen.” I suddenly share with Keith after a long meditative pause. “But this time, I feel her wearing chains and shackles and the cage door is locked.”
I briefly reflect on how I first found my little inner child hiding in an unlocked cage down in my solar plexus. It was almost exactly one year ago. It took me nearly a week of humbling myself, of winning her trust, before I could coax her to leave her cage and join me in my heart. She was afraid of the adult me, afraid that I would try to manipulate and control her all over again.
A Robotic Sheep
I meditate in this metaphorical scene for an extended period, gradually connecting more and more with this troubled little child. She is frightened and struggling for survival, hiding in the dark, fraught with emotion and pain.
Soon, I imagine myself as having climbed into the cage with her, holding her in my arms, loving her, caring for her, reassuring her that all will be OK while simultaneously re-experiencing her painful emotions.
I sob for nearly ten minutes as I suffer through Sharon’s fear and hopelessness – her sense of loss and futility – an absolute knowing that there is no way out of her prison, that all is lost, there is no point, her magic is gone, and that she is condemned to live out her life as a robotic sheep.
Profound Validation
“Brenda, notice that you are in the cage with her.” Keith breaks the silence after nearly fifteen minutes of intensely emotional meditation.
“Yeah, I have been in there with her for quite a while now.” I giggle back to Keith in the midst of my deep emotional tears.
I had not said one word to Keith since originally mentioning that I had discovered my little girl in her cage. Keith’s feedback provides me with much-needed and profound validation that my inner journey is indeed being guided by higher energies.
Lost Light
“What else did she lose besides her magic?” Keith puzzles me by his next question.
At first, I am confused – wondering just what Keith might be fishing for – just where this new nudge might take me.
Slowly I begin to think of things that were lost when my magic was squelched. Each answer I give is separated by ten or twenty seconds of deep pondering silence.
“She lost her joy … the glint in her eye … her freedom to be herself … her ability to truly play … her creativity and self confidence … her ability to step out of the box … her passion for life … her uniqueness … her connection with the divine … her ability to speak her truth.”
“Oh my gosh!” I finally interrupt the silence with one last statement. “It is dark in here. She lost her divine connection to the light.”
Keep The Light Glowing
“Bring a little light into that cage.” Keith finally responds to my meditative rambling. “Perhaps even just a small candle.”
As I sink deeper into meditation, I try to imagine a candle, but what I end up seeing is a tiny light bulb – like a clear Christmas light – dimly shining inside of the cage with us. As we are suddenly illuminated by this faint glow, I unlock the cage and help Sharon remove the shackles from her arms and legs.
I then begin to lovingly guide little Sharon, suggesting that she might need to use this cage as a place of safe refuge for the next fifty-two years, and that when I am finally ready, in early December 2010, I will come back to find her.
“You will be instrumental in keeping this spark of light glowing while I am asleep.” I continue sharing with my precious little girl. “You will eventually bring this light back to me as I start to wake up, helping me to remember who I am, and helping to guide us both to regain the magic that we have now lost.”
The next thing I do is invite Sharon to bring her cage up into my heart, both of us knowing full well that she will eventually be pushed back down into the solar plexus.
Dancing Energies
“Wow! Did she ever keep that spark alive!” I tearfully exclaim to Keith as I explain what just happened. “Even with all of my lifelong struggles, I have never let go of that genuine quest for unconditional love.”
“Beautiful.” Keith responds. “Now bring in more light … a drop or a small stream … whatever is ready.”
For most of the next hour, I meditate in silence, concentrating on my breath, and breathing energy into my body while focusing on allowing more light. I observe with fascination as pleasurable energy and painful densities take turns dancing around in my body. Gradually the pains dissolve as peaceful loving energies spread throughout my body, leaving me in relaxed and pleasurable peace.
Growing Sensitivities
“Ah Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts. “Now you are moving into a beautiful state of energy. What you are bringing in is self-love.”
“How do I distinguish self-love from other types of energies?” I ask with curiosity.
“Right now you can’t,” Keith responds, “but eventually you will be able to tell them apart. It will come in time.”
My interest is peaked by Keith’s confidence that eventually I will be able to fine-tune my energy sensitivities. I have been blocked for so very long. Part of me loves the thought, and another continues to throw up doubting roadblocks.
No Ordinary Itch
A few minutes later, I am shocked by an intense itching sensation that begins in my right eye. After gently scratching a couple of times, intuitions tell me to back off and simply observe – that this is no ordinary itch.
I begin to give Keith a play-by-play description of the amazing sensations that stun me with metaphorical symbolism. The itching spreads rapidly, consuming both eyes. The urge to itch is so intense that I struggle to consciously restrain myself as I continue being the observer.
For nearly fifteen minutes, this intense itching vibrates through my eyeballs. Gradually the itching fades, relaxing from the outer corners toward the center, with the inner corner of my right eye being the final spot to itch. Suddenly, one last burst of itching then pulses in the left eye.
“This is a metaphor for your inner vision waking up.” Keith shares the obvious interpretation. “It is vision that you once had that is now beginning to come back to you.”
The power of the metaphor is so unusual and all consuming that I cannot help but be impressed – and I cannot deny what just happened.
Short Term Forecast: More Tears
Throughout the next hour, I remain in mostly-silent meditation, filling myself with ever-increasing energy vibrations, experiencing the occasional random mild itching that briefly travels through ears, throat, upper chest, cheeks, and even my upper lip.
Finally, at around 6:00 p.m., Keith lets me know that it is time for him to get on with his evening.
Before I leave, now floating on air, Keith gives me amazing feedback on the way I finally allowed a little more help from the higher energies during an emotional release process.
“I have watched you today as you consistently moved through an emotional release process with very little, if any, resistance in doing so.” Keith congratulates me. “There was no sabotaging, no throwing wrenches into the works. You did great work today, paying attention, following metaphors, and making great progress in using the light to help.”
“I am feeling guided to tell you,” Keith then shares something I am not quite sure I want to hear. “You will most likely be manifesting periods of tears in the short term – tears that will give you opportunities to practice the new energy abilities that you are opening up.”
I Needed That
I am flying high in peaceful energies, but have a tiny knot in my stomach as I contemplate just what kind of tears I may manifest in this ongoing “crash course” in empathic energy work.
After a quick plate of rice and beans, I am so exhausted that I am in bed shortly after 7:00 p.m., but a little inner nudge then guides me to ask the higher energies to merge with me, to fill me, to give me whatever love and reassurance that would be appropriate at this point in my journey.
To my delight, I spend the next couple of hours basking in the most delightful energy show that I have been given in a very long time. I really needed that.
Hopelessly Stuck
Tuesday, I delight in a long day of writing, during what turns out to be the peaceful eye of a very intense emotional hurricane. It is not until early Wednesday afternoon, during the final chocolate ceremony of November, that the eye moves on and the winds again begin to pick up.
As the glow meditation proceeds as usual, my emotions are anything but.
For thirty-six hours I have been peaceful, vibrating in higher energy, delighted by the calm loving presence that fills my soul. Suddenly I am experiencing strong resistance, judgment toward others on the porch, a feeling of profound frustration, and a sensation of being absolutely and hopelessly stuck.
Slow Progress
When it finally becomes my turn to work with Keith, I express my utter confusion.
“Keith, I am again overwhelmed by emotions that make no sense.” I share while repressing an urge to burst into tears. “I feel like I am doing the same thing that I did on Sunday, again bringing in the emotions of others, but I am so confused and unsure of myself that I do not have a clue how to deal with it.”
“Connect with the light and send this density to the angels for processing.” Keith quickly guides me to do what I already know I should be able to do, but cannot.
“I’m trying to get out of my head and simply allow.” I share with Keith in frustration. “But I am still so insensitive to what I am doing that I can’t tell if anything is actually happening. It makes me doubt and lose trust.”
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds, “I can reassure you that I do feel it moving, but it is going slowly, at its own pace, allowing you to build trust. If it happened any faster it might overwhelm you to the point of shutting it all down.”
Curtain Tricks
“Go up with that energy (in meditation) and see what is happening to it.” Keith guides me to do something I have never successfully been able to do during previous empath trainings.
“I am experiencing deep fear.” I soon respond. “And my heart is shutting down.”
“Sneak up there and hide behind a curtain,” Keith will not let me back out so easily. “Then take a quick glimpse.”
Soon I begin to giggle lightly as I can literally feel myself hiding behind a curtain, peeking through a crack, and seeing a huge bright light where the density is being transmuted.
A Ball Of Light
As Keith moves on, I suddenly feel an extremely painful jab at the center of my sternum. It is in exactly the same “nail-in-my-heart” spot that I have felt countless times before, but this pain is much more intense, and it is also poking me from the backside as well.
“Where are you at now, Brenda?” Keith eventually feels guided to turn back to check in with me.
“I had a sharp pain a few minutes ago, right here in my heart,” I begin, “but now I am just overwhelmed by emotional numbness.”
“There is a ball of light in front of you,” Keith quickly responds. “Give some of that numbness to the light.
Triggered By The Light
As I visualize the light, and imagine that a portion of my numbness moves into it, my numb emotion immediately shifts to intense fear.
“Give some of that fear to the light.” Keith nudges me further.
“Now I’m feeling intense anger.” I respond.
“Give some of that anger to the light.” Keith continues his line of guidance.
Suddenly, I hit a wave of deep painful emotion and burst into blubbering tears.
Keith soon leaves me to continue this profound emotional release while he moves on. My hidden emotions cannot hide when the light is shining, and he seems to know that I am now going deeper on my own.
A Dark Room
Eventually, as I meditate solo, I find myself in my own little private “hell” – an imaginary broom closet, just down the hall and around a few corners from a room filled with higher beings – some of my closest friends in the other dimensions.
This little room feels like just the place I need to be right now. I crawl inside, close the door, and cry alone in the darkness – while exterior tears simultaneously flow.
As I imagine myself wanting to walk down the hall – wanting to connect with my circle of higher being friends (June 23 blog titled “Circle Of Friends”) – I cannot do it. In fact, I feel incapable of leaving that little dark broom closet.
Using a trick that Keith has taught me through various meditations, I imagine myself at least opening the door to the closet, even though I am unable to leave.
Crazy Fear
Emotions are quite intense as I visualize myself sitting in the doorway of that dark broom closet. I try to imagine myself walking down the hall, but again freeze up with fear, feeling hopelessly stuck. My imagination refuses to allow me to go there. Finally, I invite a metaphorical higher being to come to me, to sit in the hallway just outside the open door – asking the being to maintain a small buffer of distance.
The crazy fear makes absolutely no sense. I know that this being is nothing but pure love and that I too am love – but I cannot connect. I imagine the being as a beautiful, compassionate young woman – an image that is completely non-threatening – an image that will not manipulate or control me. I imagine being hugged, but am immediately visited by more intense fear.
Heart Shutdown
“As you sit in that closet,” Keith pauses to reconnect and to give me a brief clue, “you are connected to your little girl, feeling her pain and futility.”
I begin to imagine myself as little Sharon in that dark broom closet. As I do so, my emotional levels intensify greatly. Soon I imagine us both hiding in that darkness. I attempt to reach out to Sharon, trying to hold her hand, to comfort her – but as much as I try, I cannot feel the connection.
Keith again turns back to help me, and asks me to visualize a ball of light between Sharon and I.
“I want each of you to throw some of your fears and other emotions into that light to see what happens.” Keith guides me before again moving on.
As I try to visualize this process, my resistance strengthens, the fear increases even further, and I feel my heart shutting down and caving in.
Logically Nonsensical
To my surprise, I experience a strong sense of anger and hatred toward my little Sharon … and I also feel equivalent emotions aimed directly at me. To the rational mind, this is all utter silliness – but I know it is profoundly real at another level.
As I imagine an experiential emotional release where we each speak our truth to each other, I feel an intense burst of emotion as I imagine Sharon’s anger and hatred finding a voice, ripping into me for abandoning her in that little cage for all these long years. Soon, I feel myself returning the favor, silently expressing and releasing huge reservoirs of pent up anger over how she is not helping me as much as she should, how I hate her for my current state of dysfunction, etc.
Through it all, I remain the observer, being lovingly aware that none of this is present-day emotion – but also knowing beyond any doubt that this emotion is real, and that it must be felt and expressed in order to be released.
Rebuilding Trust
When the process is complete, I intuitively recognize that some unexpressed emotion remains, but our process together has been enough to allow a sense of camaraderie and connection.
Completely forgetting about the higher being waiting in the metaphorical hallway, I sit with my little girl in the closet. We begin connecting hearts and focusing on jointly building a renewed trust in one another.
Eventually, after a great deal of loving meditation, I feel as if my little inner child and I are finally on the same side, but that our relationship is still very tentative and extremely confusing. Neither of us fully understands our feelings, nor do we know how to proceed from here.
Fixing Free-For-All
Suddenly the ceremony takes a very strange and bizarre twist. There are several people on the porch who have each, over the last few weeks, shown various levels of tendencies to want to participate in using their energy skills to fix others – something that my own manifestation energy seems to have been recently attracting like flies drawn to rotten meat.
There are a few others on the porch who are stuck in their processes, unable to move forward with where they need to go – each seeming too fearful to delve deeper into their buried emotions.
I nearly cringe when I hear Keith invite several people to do some energy work on one of the others. It is a brilliant action on Keith’s part – one that really triggers me.
I nearly die inside – half freaking out – half giggling – as I feel the fixing energy on the porch break through all previously known limitations. I know that Keith has something up his sleeve, and I am eager to understand.
Holding My Tongue
Seconds after Keith turns everyone loose, he returns to work with me.
“Trust me on this.” Keith winks and quietly fills me in. “It will all work out for the best. I’m getting that this will actually be very helpful for all involved.”
I nearly gag with resistance as I then watch one person walk unchecked across the porch to perform energy magic on another stuck person.
I simply smile a twisted smile and watch with blind trust, reminding myself of all the bizarre things I have experienced on this porch – reminding myself of how each situation has always turned out to be a beautiful event that perfectly met my own healing needs.
Chaos And Confusion
Insights suddenly flood my intuitive mind as I excitedly begin to share with Keith.
“I’m feeling extremely resentful at my mother for manipulating, and controlling me throughout my childhood and youth – for using her fixing energy to keep me under her loving power and authority.” I tell Keith with delight. “Everything going on here on the porch right now is energetically reminding me of how I felt as a child when I was the target of such well-intentioned but misdirected fixing and nagging energy. My mother was constantly trying to help me, but deeply hurting me in the process.”
As I further discuss these insights with Keith, I am suddenly overwhelmed with swirling chaos and confusion in my mind – the exact same experience I had last spring when I had visited this exact same emotional issue from a different, but equally bizarre, vantage point.
Later, just a few hours after this incident, I attempt to take notes regarding this brief period on the porch. As I do so, I remain so confused that I am unable to recall specific details of perhaps a half hour of conversation with Keith – and the confusion is so strong that remembering the other parts of the ceremony requires great concentration and effort.
Today, eight days after that ceremony, as I attempt to write this short section, I again feel overwhelmed by a sensation of swirling confusion that tries to dominate my mind.
I have no doubt, that my mother’s intentions were loving and pure. She was desperate to train me to conform and fit in to our religious and family culture. But because of these events in meditation, there is also no doubt in my mind that my mother, without being fully self-aware, had some type of psychic surgery ability (as Keith has several times pointed out to me). Whatever she unknowingly did, it caused me to get so confused with myself that I had no choice other than to hopelessly give up and submit to her authority.
When You Least Expect It
To my inner surprise and giggles, another person on the porch, the last person I would have expected to try to fix me, suddenly interrupts my process with Keith, and begins to try to coax me simply to let go of this emotion, to get over it, and just forgive my mother.
Keith quickly explains to her the true nature of my process, but I am blown away by how I again attract this fixing energy, even from someone who I never expected would do it.
Silly, Nonsensical, And Indefensible
“That is all so silly.” I feel an inner voice rampage through my heart, telling me everything I am doing is stupid.
“That voice is not necessarily even your own voice.” Keith quickly coaches me. “I’m getting that it was the logical, rational-mind voice of a mother or religion belittling your right-brain feelings.
“When it came to my intuitions, I had no way to defend them against the logical voice of my mother or my religion.” I suddenly exclaim to Keith with powerful insight. “If someone critiqued a computer programming subroutine, I could easily defend myself with superior logic … but if someone critiqued my intuitions or my creativity, I was made to feel utterly silly, nonsensical, and indefensible.”
Not Mine To Keep
“Give that voice back to your parents.” Keith guides me firmly. “It is something that belongs to them – something that they need to heal. But they cannot heal it until you release it back to them. Perhaps you can heal it in conjunction with them, but they have to be involved.”
As I meditate into this new process, I quickly feel intuition and lightness confirming that some of the voices have been released. But stronger intuitions tell me that portions of these voices are stuck, refusing to budge. Simultaneously, I feel a pain in my heart that begins to intensify.
“I think I don’t want to release it because it feels like part of my dysfunctional identity or something.” I share with Keith, passing along intuitions that come out of nowhere.
As I try to release more, I am met by deep fear and panicked resistance.
“What will my family think?” Suddenly flashes into my mind.
I do not fully know yet what that voice is, but at least part of it seems profoundly related to additional buried fears of offending family – of further disappointing them.
An Utter Loser
As I sit in quiet meditation, watching the remainder of the chocolate ceremony unfold around me, I begin to go crazy with judgments. I am now silently projecting my inner pain onto nearly everyone in the group.
As I look at several people in particular, I feel inexplicably strong judgments being projected outward toward them. I know the issue is really my own and that something inside of me needs to be healed … but nevertheless I am judging, and I hate that fact.
“I will be a horrible healer.” I begin to flog myself with intense self-judgment. “I am a complete and utter looser. How can I possibly profess to be any type of healer when I am feeling such intense judgment toward others – when I feel so incapable of seeing them through loving eyes?”
A Lifelong Vendetta
Suddenly the truth floods my awareness. I am judging them because I see them as unhealed healers – people who want to run out and heal or fix others without first taking the time to go inside and work on healing their own frightening issues.
But then the real deeper issues begin to surface – the real light bulbs of my projector begin to flash.
I am extremely angry at my mother. I see her as having been an unhealed healer – as someone who was professing to represent God and divine religion – yet the results of her working with me – all done with well-intentioned innocence – caused me deep childhood pain and emotional suffering.
I suddenly understand with newfound clarity. Buried in my subconscious, I am dealing with a lifelong (but never understood) vendetta to save the world from unhealed healers – from people who would do to others the same thing that my mother did to me.
This is why I am attracting so many fixers into my life. The Universe is trying to bring my awareness to this very issue.
Pleading For Answers
As the ceremony ends, I again wait until the bitter end, wanting to have a private one-on-one conversation with Keith. I feel horrible and I need clarity.
“Keith,” I beg for guidance. “I am so confused. I feel intense judgment toward nearly everyone on the porch today.”
“What is going on with me?” I plead for answers. “As a healer, I will be such a loser if I continue to feel such awful judgments. But then again, I am wondering if these are even my own emotions that I am feeling. Am I feeling their judgments? Or am I feeling my own judgments about them?”
“I am so confused.” I throw up my hands in despair. “Help!”
Sober Counsel
“Brenda,” Keith begins to respond. “You have to return into the middle of this confusion in order to heal it. This is a pattern that you have been in throughout your whole life. You cannot heal it without going back into it.”
“But do NOT get lost in the ego voices of smallness.” Keith strongly emphasizes. “Do not lose yourself in believing that you are a loser.”
I am frightened. I know I need to remain the observer while remembering the truth about myself – yet I am terrified to go any deeper into this confusion. I am scared that I really will get lost in there.
Keith and I discuss the issue for nearly thirty minutes as he shares the critical nature of the place where I find myself – telling me how people he loved had reached similar such critical junctures in their own processes – people who did indeed get lost in ego and never came out of that loop.
Huge Healing Hurdle
As I walk home, I am emotionally drained. Screaming ego voices are proclaiming that I am indeed a hopeless loser and a fraud – that I will never be capable of being a healed healer – that I will always project onto others and hurt those I try to help.
It seems that once again, the Universe has presented me with exactly what I need to show me the next huge healing hurdle in my path. Yet the way I feel right now, I am not so sure that I am capable of making it over this next obstacle in my journey. I am beaten down, depressed, flogging myself, and swimming in a cesspool of chaotic confusion – confusion so powerful that I feel as if I will never be able to think clearly ever again.
However, a more hopeful part of me desperately hangs on, observing events from a higher place, cheering me on from the sidelines, telling me that I can do it. I overwhelming believe this higher voice, but my emotions are dragging so low that I can barely muster enough strength to even climb into bed.
I surrender to this powerful flow, but I am indeed right back in the scary part of this movie called life, cowering in another horror scene. I can only trust that I will eventually love the ending.
To be continued …
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved