As I come up for air after an amazing week of healing – a journey that has taken me back fifty-two years to the passing of a beloved grandfather – I find myself exhausted. While resting my head on Thanksgiving eve, a few additional tears stream down my cheeks – a few are final spurts of emotion regarding my love for my grandfather – but most are tears of sheer joy and gratitude for the amazing chocolate ceremony that just brought closure to that profound journey … or did it?
Thanksgiving Rest
As I settle in for a beautiful and peaceful Thanksgiving by myself, I opt to finish something that I started a few days ago. Part of me is giggling and joyful at the opportunity to watch the final two movies of the “Lord of the Rings” series. Yet part of me is terrified, wondering if there might be more tears hiding in the same places as those inexplicable flashfloods of tears on Tuesday while watching the first movie.
Early on, I do experience a few short bursts of residual emotion, but to my delight, I am thankfully blessed with a peaceful and delightful Thanksgiving Day rest – a day topped off by fun socializing with friends as I participate in an almost-monthly playful ritual – that of assisting in the bagging and weighing of nearly 250 pounds of freshly ground, still liquid, chocolate.
As I prepare for bed, I am feeling peaceful, but weird. Several times today, I tried bringing in higher energies – but continued to feel inexplicable inner resistance. Part of me is still holding back – still flipping-off the higher energies for no apparent reason.
Overflowing With Peace
Friday continues my theme of taking an emotional-processing breather. Keith asks me to participate in a private chocolate ceremony where my budding Spanish translation stills might come in useful. As I hold beautiful energetic space in that powerful ceremony, I feel no need to process any of my own stuff. Instead, I delight in the fact that I do indeed have the ability to translate … and I do so for more than half of the ceremony. It seems that even when I am not studying Spanish much anymore, I continue to increase my vocabulary, simply doing so through day-to-day interactions.
It is Friday evening, when I return home from this peaceful ceremony, that I begin to giggle as I first read Aimee’s newly arrived comment to my blog – the one that inspired me to share more of my story in “A Profound Reality Check.”
Saturday continues with peaceful distraction as I accompany Keith and another beautiful friend on a boat ride across the lake where Keith conducts an amazing ceremony with a group of women who are involved in a yoga teacher training retreat. I love such opportunities – and I cherish the fact that my heart continues to overflow with peace and love as I spend the night in my own little private tent, less than a short stone’s throw from the energy-radiating waters of Lake Atitlan.
Temporary Filter
As the chocolate ceremony on Sunday begins back in San Marcos, I am delighted to see an old friend that I have not seen in a very long time – but totally unprepared for the emotions that will soon surface – emotions partially triggered by this perfectly-timed synchronous encounter.
The last time I had any interactions with this friend were via email, at the first of July, on my final evening in San Marcos as I prepared to travel home for the summer. For privacy reasons, I will not discuss the event – other than to mention that in the process of humbling myself and admitting that I had been wrong, I had simultaneously opened up my heart in ways that left me feeling extremely emotionally vulnerable for the next week or so.
I wrote earlier in my blog about that first week of traveling through the Yucatan, but I had intentionally omitted this piece of the puzzle, not wanting to further agitate a valued friendship.
It was during that first week of my homeward bound travels that I had literally begun to suck in the emotions of everyone and every situation around me, empathically stuffing them inside of me, leaving me confused, and falling apart. After about a week, with the help of a friend, I realized what I was doing and asked higher energies to install a temporary filter to stop me from bringing in such energies until I was aware and able to deal with them. After doing so, and then using meditation and tears to release that bottled up emotion, I remained mostly emotionally stable throughout those amazing travels.
Only after returning to San Marcos in late September did I ask the energies to remove that temporary filter. I was now in a place where I knew that I could receive the guidance and assistance I needed should my emotions again get out of control.
Energy Of Resistance
As the glow meditation proceeds, I begin to feel strongly annoyed, disconnected, rebellious, angry, resistant, and feeling the urge to blurt out “F@<K it all” before running home to pack my bags.
The emotions I am feeling are powerful, but totally bizarre, inexplicable, out of context, and extremely confusing. As the meditation progresses, my resistance increases. I do not want to meditate and the last thing I want to do is to connect with the energies. As the meditation concludes, I feel like a psycho basket case. I have no explainable idea why I feel the way I do.
“Wow!” Keith comments as he begins doing individual work with a woman beside me. “What a profound energy of resist-dance there is on the porch today.”
Without singling anyone out, Keith goes on to discus the profound intensity of dense energy that wants to be released today – all over the porch – but that strong resistance is powerfully present, standing in the way.
An Emotional Conduit
“Keith,” I interrupt and then ask, after explaining my own journey. “My emotions do not make any sense to me. I have no understandable reason for even feeling such intense emotions right now. Am I simply feeling and sucking in the emotions of the group … or am I working with my own emotional density of resistance and stuck-ness?”
I totally expect to hear Keith tell me that this is another layer of my own buried emotional dumping ground. His answer catches me by complete surprise.
“It is not your energy.” Keith responds with firm confidence. “It is density from others. Right now, you are in a powerful place of being a conduit for most of the resistance that is happening on the porch. It is all running through you.”
I Don’t Want It
“You have a habit of energetically connecting with large numbers of people in groups.” Keith goes on to remind me.
“Yeah,” I respond after checking in with my somewhat-painful heart. “I am probably connected to three-fourths of the people here … even though I don’t understand how or what I do … I do intuitively know that I am doing it.”
As our conversation continues to focus on me, the intensity of my emotional sensitivity seems to grow exponentially. What began as confusing emotion is now a state of intense inner panic and confusion. Tears quickly dampen my cheeks.
“If this is what it feels like to be an empath.” I express to Keith in horror. “Then I am not sure I really want this magic to open up for me. In fact, what I am feeling right now will literally drive me crazy, even if I can develop an intuitive awareness of what I am doing.”
A Terrified Child
What I am experiencing hurts me to the core. I am boiling and churning in a stew of other peoples’ negative emotions – yet I am profoundly confused because I feel like they are my own.
As I begin to meditate back to my days as a tiny child, I experience momentary flashbacks – brief-but-painful glimpses of how I also experienced such horribly confusing emotions when I was an innocent and vulnerable toddler. Profound inner compassion floods my heart as I contemplate the intense confusion and struggle that dominated the tender journeys of my little child-self.
“I must have been terrified and confused as a child.” I ponder amidst the flashbulbs of insights.
Pattern Recognition
Then, as I quickly scan through a lifetime of memories, I begin to recognize a pattern of depression and confusion.
There were so many painful days, weeks and months, where I suffered through unbelievable emotional overload. I had always written-off such emotional periods as being the byproduct of an intensely difficult personal journey.
“Could I have also been drowning in the emotions of others during those periods?” I ponder with increasing clarity and curiosity.
Such patterns are especially evident in experiences with two different work situations where intense and inexplicable overpowering depression consumed me while working for companies that were experiencing difficult times – during times where most of my coworkers were going through extreme frustration with management, etc…
I now understand why my depression in those situations was so powerful. I was not only feeling my own emotion, I was drowning in the overwhelming emotions of others as well.
God Drama Revisited
As Keith focuses on working with me, I remain deeply connected to the prevalent resistance that permeates the porch. Emotions that are not even mine are deeply urging me to grab my bag, put on my sandals, and run home … yet I remain on my pillow and engage with Keith from a space of profound trust.
“Rather than trying to process all of this emotion inside of you,” Keith begins to coach me, “bring some of that processing out here in front of you.”
Keith then makes a small ball with his hand, about two feet in front of my heart chakra, and tells me to send the processing of the emotional energy out there.
“Let the angels or Mother Earth help you.” Keith encourages me. “You don’t need to do all this work by yourself.”
What is obviously coming up is that I am facing my lifelong resistance against asking for or allowing help. As much as my conscious mind desperately wants the higher energies to help, a hidden part of me continues to strongly resist such assistance.
I am revisiting my God Drama … revisiting my inability to trust higher energies.
Fake It Till You Make It
I initially struggle to “release” … trying to figure out “just how do I release this so that it can take place outside of me, being handled by the higher energies?”
Suddenly I remember that I don’t need to “know how” … that I just need to fill my heart with love, express my intent, allow, surrender, trust, and “fake it till I make it.”
It sounds so stupid to an intellectual mind – simply pretending that something is happening until you can actually feel it. But I have often heard Keith explain that his teachers actually taught this technique as a powerful way to get out of your head.
“I know that my imagination is indeed my personal connection to right-brain and intuitive energies.” I ponder with trust. “I’m going to give that a try.”
A Glimmer Of Hope
A few minutes later, I suddenly experience a sense of partial release … of less emotional intensity flowing through me.
“There,” Keith quickly interrupts the silence. “You have now let about 25% of the processing move out to this space in front of you. How do you feel?”
“I feel considerably more peaceful and less emotionally agitated.” I respond with a glimmer of hope.
Body Metaphors
I simply continue to breathe energy into my heart while relaxing and imagining that the emotional energies continue to move out in front of me.
“You are almost at 50%.” Keith soon interjects. “You are not quite there, but you are doing well.”
“How does that feel now?” Keith asks as he attempts to coach me into further recognizing the subtle shifts in my energy field.
“Much better,” I respond with a grin. “I am much more relaxed … and my heart is not shutdown anymore.”
“Great,” Keith congratulates me. “You are paying attention to your body metaphors.”
One way I am beginning to understand what I do is to pay attention to my body. If my heart feels squished and painful, then I am either working on my own issues, or internalizing emotions from others. But if my heart feels alive and powerful, even if I am feeling emotions, then I am simply “reading” the emotions of others without bringing them inside me.
Loving Support
Soon, Keith leads the entire group in a meditation of bringing energy from below, energy that rises up and peacefully supports the heart. It is a meditation of feeling as if you are in the palm of God, or perhaps sitting in the lotus flower of the Buddha.
But I am not paying much attention as I continue to focus on my own process, being distracted by the fact that I am clenching my forearms – something that I have recently begun to realize that I constantly do – something I have done my entire life. Intuitively, I recognize that this clenching is part of my energy-sensitivity shutdown.
“Can you feel that?” Keith suddenly asks me, catching me off guard.
When I focus, I can indeed feel a small peaceful loving energy that seems to hold my heart in a space of warm protected love.
“Yes, a little bit.” I respond with weak-but-growing confidence.
“This metaphor will also help you to know when you are using your empath abilities from a positive or negative polarity.” Keith lovingly coaches me.
I am still slightly distracted, but suddenly realize that Keith has given me another body metaphor to guide me. Another way I can tell if I am positively working with the emotions of others is if my heart feels lovingly supported from below.
From now on, when I experience unexplainable emotions, I will immediately search for such metaphors to help me know what I am doing.
Forced Fixing
As Keith moves on to work with someone next to me, a young man (I will call him Tom) suddenly stands up from his seat, walks across the porch, and nearly forces his body into my personal space.
“I would like to help you with what you are doing.” Tom insists, giving me the strong energetic impression that he believes me to be broken, and that he knows how to fix me.
“Actually, what I am doing right now is very empowered.” I respond with loving confidence.
I note with interest as Keith pauses what he is doing and listens out of the corner of his ear.
“If you helped me right now it would actually disempower my process,” I smile firmly. “I need to work with these energies myself so that I can learn how to do it – how to trust them.”
Journey With Fixing
“Can I at least tell you something?” The young man pushes harder, forcing his hand.
“Sure,” I respond, being totally willing to listen.
The young man goes on for several minutes trying to teach me how not to bring in the angry emotions of others … to protect myself from their emotions. His words resonate as strong attempts to fix and tell me his way is better, not connecting with me at all. But I simply smile, listen until he is done, and thank him for his suggestions. I would rather be happy than right.
Soon I am back in my process of further connecting to the higher energies that I am finally allowing to assist me, even just a little bit.
I cannot help but also ponder why it is that I continue to energetically attract such strong fixing energy from others. I profoundly recognize that I have a journey with fixing energy – but I have no idea yet just what that journey might be.
Peaceful Vibrations
Meanwhile, as Keith continues to work his way around the crowded porch, with twenty-two of us squeezed around the circle, I continue to breathe more and more energy into my heart, imagining the higher energies assisting me while simultaneously focusing on relaxing my forearms.
To my surprise, the muscles between elbows and wrists feel all painful and tingly, as if they were a sleeping foot that is now beginning to wake up. The sensation is very uncomfortably in the short term.
My head urges me to stop the discomfort by returning to clenching, but my heart says, “no, surrender and allow.” Suddenly, I recognize that my hips and legs are equally clenched. As I focus on total body relaxation, I feel glimpses of beautiful energy flow accompanied by fierce physical resistance – resistance that I gradually flow into, release, and relax.
Soon, I feel as if I am about to float off the planet with all the peaceful vibrations that consume me.
Fixing Fixation
For some reason, I again attract a further discussion on fixing energy as I face my fears and provide loving feedback to that man I call Tom – courageously sharing how I had perceived his attempts to work with me – his attempts to show me what I was doing was wrong and to convince me that I needed his help.
Through the remainder of group, while floating in divine light, I further ponder the question of “Why do I repeatedly manifest people that push fixing energy onto me? Why am I creating this reality?”
A Synchronous Sequence
“Wow,” I share with Keith after the rest of the group has filtered out. “Today was amazing and powerful for me.”
“Can you provide clarification on what happened at the start of group today?” I then ask Keith, hoping to learn a little more about his side of the equation.
Keith first congratulates me for my awareness and sensitivity of the intense resistance-based energy on the porch as the ceremony began.
“Soon after I felt that energy,” Keith shares with me, “I recognized that it was going to greatly facilitate your process today.”
I am amazed by how, yet again, I arrived at a ceremony, not having a clue as to what my experience might be – and I now leave recognizing a profound sequence of synchronous events that guided me effortlessly from one empowering experience to another.
My old friend’s presence somehow took me right back to the same empathically sensitive spot that was previously triggered by her almost five months ago. The group’s intense energy provide me with a profoundly-painful playground in which to practice, and I finally learned how to begin trusting a tiny bit of higher energy assistance in releasing such energies.
Something Scary
“But what is with the emotional triggers that are suddenly being pushed by simply being around my old friend?” I ask Keith for guidance on something that we did not work on much today.
“I know her presence today enabled me to have the powerful experience that I had.” I share with Keith as I prepare to walk home. “I know she is my biggest teacher but I’m not really sure if I am ready to go there.”
As I drift off to sleep after an amazing Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I revel in the vibrational peace while pondering the presence of puzzling, pushed triggers.
“I love her,” I meditate deeper on my pillow, “but just her very presence in my vicinity opens up something very raw from my past … something scary … something I do not understand … something I do not want to face.”
Energetic Catalyst
As I meditate early Monday morning, surrounded by banana trees while warmed by the rays of a newly emerged sun, the answer suddenly hits me.
“She energetically reminds me of two former friends who I had once perceived as betraying me – who I perceived as marginalizing me, of unjustly accusing me.”
As I further meditate, I realize that this porch-friend has absolutely nothing in common with a past that deeply hurt and devastated me. It all happened during a period of my life, ten long years ago, where I was still living in victim mode. Yet, in a strange and bizarre way, something about her mere presence now energetically whisks me back to those past traumatic experiences – experiences that I thought were completely healed.
“Apparently I still have issues with that past pain.” I ponder with newfound recognition.
Projection Parade
Then more profound realizations begin to ripple into awareness.
“Am I projecting my mother onto her?” I ponder with shock as I remember past feelings of a profound inability to explain myself, times when I only made things worse by trying.
And then I clearly see the same pattern in trying to defend myself during my marriage.
“I’m projecting my God Drama all over her.” I finally hit the end of the projection parade. “I’m feeling betrayed, misunderstood, and marginalized by God.”
Again, I giggle at the synchronicity of having received my first hate comment on my blog, just three short days ago. It was a perfect opportunity to show me my projections, but I did not take the bait.
Confusing Emotional State
As meditation continues, I waver in and out of emotional stability intertwined with collapsing confusing chaos.
“Perhaps I need to go see if Keith has time for a private session today.” I begin to ponder. “I don’t think I am in any place where I am capable of writing.”
Short bursts of intense tears followed by peaceful power further serve to illustrate my confusing emotional state.
Soon, I meditate deeply into feeling the loving support of the “palm of God” holding my heart safely and tenderly.
Energetic Lessons
“Body metaphors!” I suddenly exclaim. “I am feeling confusing waves of inexplicable emotions … yet I am simultaneously feeling loving energy that supports my heart.”
“Are these even my own emotions that I am processing right now?” I ponder with deep curiosity. “Of course, I know they are related to something that I deeply understand … but I know I have dealt with these emotions … what I am feeling does not make any sense.”
“Or have I dealt with all the layers?” I again question with confusing doubt.
As I dig deeper, I decide to try something. I perform the same meditation that I did yesterday … the one where I imagine the emotions moving into a ball two feet in front of me, and then releasing them to the higher energies for transmutation. As I do so, I am guided to simultaneously envision myself breaking the energetic connection with my porch-friend – one that I was not aware of until this exact moment.
To my delight, the emotions in my own body suddenly settle and disappear.
“What a profound lesson in working with energies.” I giggle with delight.
Totally Peaceful
After finishing my meditation in a profound state of peaceful bliss, I soon sit down to check emails.
Seconds later I hear loud (and I mean loud) arguing taking place just outside my bedroom window. Being deeply curious, I quietly open the shutters and peek out to see what is going on. Several westerners are engaged in a verbal fight … one of them slinging deep emotional jabs at the others.
As peace continues to flow through my veins, I simply meditate into a higher resonance and radiate love to the scene below my window. I remain centered, peaceful, and unattached.
“Wow,” I ponder a few minutes later. “What a synchronous display. That man was in the same agonizing emotion of feeling betrayed and unable to defend himself – the same “God Drama” emotions that came up for me in the last two days – and I never took the bait. I never related, I did not inhale one random emotion, and I feel totally peaceful.”
Random Emotion Sucking
When I sit down to write, however, I hear a baby crying outside my kitchen window. To my shock, I begin to feel inexplicably sad and miserable.
“I’m bringing in the pain from this baby and its mother.” I quickly recognize as I note that my heart continues to feel strong and loving.
Again, I meditate and release the “not-mine” emotions to the higher energies for transmutation. Minutes later, I am vibrating in renewed loving peace.
“If all of this confusing random emotion sucking is what I did as a child,” I ponder, “no wonder I shut the ability down and buried it under tons of metaphorical steel and concrete. I am just now beginning to have enough spiritual awareness to recognize that I am doing this.”
An Emotional Toilet
As I finally sit down to write, I first begin to reread my most recent posting to get myself into the proper frame of mind. As I read “Rule Robot,” I begin to experience extremely confusing mood swings. I have read this blog several times and had felt deeply inspired by my own writing.
But in this instant I am beginning to feel like Aimee (the woman who posted the hate comment on this very piece of writing just three days ago).
“I hate this blog.” I begin to ponder with self-loathing. “It is stupid, poorly written crap, confusing and incoherent.”
I don’t know if I am feeling Aimee’s emotions, or perhaps they are those of my own inner child being experienced through a whole new perspective – but I actually believe these emotions as if they are my own. I stop and attempt to connect to higher energies but am inexplicably stuck in resistance and rebellion.
My confusing emotions are quickly spiraling out of control, I cannot stop them, I do not know what to do, and I just want to cry. Yet something whispers inside that these are not even my own emotions, that crying is not the answer, and that I need help.
I have reached a brick wall and my emotional world is suddenly collapsing. I literally feel as if I am sliding down the whirling vortex of an emotional toilet.
A Crash Course
Thirty minutes later, I find myself solemnly slipping through Keith’s gate and up onto his porch. I don’t know what else to do. If even I can just get a few minutes of his time to help me …
To my delight, a few minutes later, we do get a couple of private moments to talk … but Keith has a scheduled individual session waiting to begin.
“I’m on a roller coaster of emotion that I can’t handle on my own.” I express to Keith through sobs that suddenly burst forth out of nowhere.
“Brenda,” Keith confidently answers, “I am being STRONGLY guided to tell you that around ninety-five percent of the emotions that you are feeling this morning are coming from outside of you.”
Keith goes on to lovingly explain that the higher energies are giving me a “crash course” on how to move these densities without bringing them inside of me … without eating them.
Survival Mode
Soon, I am walking back home, continuing to wipe tears from my cheeks, knowing that I now have a 3:00 p.m. private session with Keith – some hope at the end of the tunnel.
“If only I can survive till then.” I ponder with desperation.
After arriving at home, I begin with a positive burst … but soon I am numbly playing computer games, and by 11:30 a.m. I am in bed, with the covers pulled over my head, attempting to meditate.
Just as I begin to feel glimmers of gentle higher energies starting to tickle my scalp, loud music begins to play downstairs – near the same place as this morning’s yelling-fest.
Immediately, I am again overwhelmed by intense emotions that struggle for permission to be felt and expressed.
Fend For Myself
I am overwhelmed by confusing emotion, feeling rebellious, agitated, and desperately just wanting to cry … yet intuitions tell me that this is not emotion that should be tearfully released.
Suddenly, I profoundly understand another version of the God/separation drama. I feel helpless and pathetic – utterly beyond being able to do anything more for myself.
I have often listened as Keith teaches about this other version of the God/separation drama – a version where we might subconsciously believe that Deity will never help us if we are empowered, strong, and capable – that higher energies will only provide assistance if we are pathetically and helplessly lost and incapable of doing something for ourselves.
It seems that right now I am facing such a dysfunctional subconscious belief.
The overwhelmed and confused part of me does not want to be strong and empowered here. I desperately want to just sink into chaotic tearful collapse, so that just maybe, the higher powers-that-be might step in and comfort me. This same part of me believes that if I am strong, that I will be alone and abandoned, left to use my own strength, left to fend for myself. It seems that this is an emotional pattern that has repeated itself throughout my life.
This Part Is Scary
I have been working on opening up this inner magic for a very long time. I have begged the higher energies and my inner children to assist me in taking the lid off from my long-shutdown “Magical Theme Park.”
But wow, now that it is beginning to open, even just a crack, I am frightened, rebelling, and panicking. I don’t want this magical ability if it brings with it such confusing and terrorizing emotional pain.
After a long and tearful few hours, as I prepare to walk back over to Keith’s magical porch for my 3:00 p.m. private appointment, I cannot help but reflect back on those beautiful words that comforted me last week – the ones I wrote about in “Synchronous Dots.”
“Close your eyes … this part is scary … take my hand … it won’t last long … you will love the ending I promise … when this part of the story is gone.”
Overflowing with emotion – with eyes that are bulging from a bottled-up flashflood of tears just waiting to explode – I set out on that familiar ten-minute walk to Keith’s home, desperately hoping to bring a little sanity back to my journey – a journey that right now finds me cowering in a corner, trapped in the middle of a horror scene.
To be continued …
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved