I cannot believe I intentionally chose an all-night redeye flight – one including a three-and-a-half-hour mid-night layover in Los Angeles. Nonetheless, as I slide through customs at 6:15 a.m. in Guatemala City, I am eager and excited to take on my next journey. I have the entire day, September 22, 2011, to explore and find my way home to a cozy little apartment in San Marcos.
I have no established plans as to how I will get back to San Marcos. This moment is actually the first time I have ever set foot in Guatemala City. I thought it would be a fun adventure to have the experience of ‘winging-it,’ so that I can later tell my friends how to do the same if they should chose to come for a visit. I know that I could find public transportation on what westerners commonly refer to as “chicken buses,” but because I am carrying two suitcases with me, I desire something a little more hospitable where I can keep track of my valuables.
One thing I do know is that many tourist shuttles travel from Antigua to Lake Atitlan. Therefore, my first goal is simply to make my way to Antigua. I am delighted that my flight schedule has given me the entire day. That should be ample time to stumble through the process.
After ten minutes of wrong turns and misguided advice, I finally find a minivan driver who transports me, along with two other tourists, to our desired destination. At around 8:00 a.m. our little van begins slowly bouncing over the bumpy cobblestone streets of Antigua – a popular tourist stop so named because it literally is the former ancient capital city of Guatemala.
Sit And Radiate
After explaining to the driver that I wish to find a tourist shuttle to take me to Lake Atitlan, he goes out of his way to connect me with a tourist agency operated by a friend of his. I barely miss the 8:00 a.m. shuttle to Panajachel, but am excited when I learn there is a 9:00 a.m. shuttle that will take me to the far side of the lake, dropping me off directly in San Marcos.
Oops – I soon learn that the 9:00 a.m. van is full. There is another 12:30 p.m. shuttle to Panajachel, but I choose the more expensive but much easier option of waiting for a 2:00 p.m. direct minivan that will take me straight home. Normally I would have chosen the Panajachel shuttle because it is only half the cost – but the final boat ride from Panajachel could turn into quite the adventure on a late afternoon during rainy season.
Leaving my luggage at the tourist agency, I soon find myself in the central plaza of this beautiful town. After a not-so-yummy breakfast of so-so French toast, I snuggle into a hard metal bench to simply meditate and observe the unique and bustling life around me.
Over the course of several hours, I am thrilled to engage in many delightful conversations with several westerners who live in Guatemala, and even with a couple of local people. I have the strange feeling that I am energetically attracting these conversations – as if people are somehow drawn to approach me and to initiate a discussion.
Whatever it is, I like it. It seems that I simply need to sit, meditate, and radiate energy, and other people just approach and start talking.
A Contented Heart
It is shortly after 6:00 p.m. when the shuttle driver unexpectedly stops and leaves me and another woman at the top of a hill, several hundred yards from the center of San Marcos. It seems that the lone road leading into San Marcos is under construction – and I get to walk the rest of the way with two heavy suitcases, dragging them through dirt and sand.
But I am so excited to be home that I simply do not care. The entire drive has been filled with interesting occurrences where I have simply observed, enjoyed, and flowed with the unexpected events. First, our shuttle is delayed by forty-five minutes because one of the passengers is nowhere to be found. Then we are delayed for thirty minutes when the driver is pulled over at a routine traffic stop. It seems that his van-registration paperwork is not up-to-snuff. Those of us on the minibus just smile and visit, wondering if our vehicle will be impounded, giving us yet another story to tell to our grandchildren.
Mixed emotions fill my heart as I at-long-last drag my bags through the front door of my apartment – I am tired and drained – yet filled with love and joyful peace.
Minutes later, I am at a local restaurant, hugging various friends who are celebrating yet-another friend’s birthday. I delight in the opportunity to greet so many people so soon after arriving.
But by 8:00 p.m., I am crawling under my covers. It has been a very long two days. I sleep soundly, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I do not wake up even a single time during the night – sleeping soundly and restfully with a contented heart.
Beautiful Friendships
Friday morning, after spending a few hours beginning a long unpacking process, I eagerly venture out on a familiar path – the ten-minute walk to the eastern limits of San Marcos where I then stroll down a steep inclined road before calling out “Hola, Keith, are you home?”
My hug-filled reunion with Keith is delightful as I fill him in on my journeys of the past eleven weeks. Soon, I am also exchanging hugs with my dear friend Isaias as he joins us on the porch. To my delight, Isaias briefly disappears and returns ten minutes later with his gorgeous wife and two-month-old baby. The highlight of my morning is to hold that precious infant in my arms. I missed his birth by only a couple of weeks, and am now thrilled by the opportunity to enjoy his magical energy.
After an afternoon of unpacking, cleaning, organizing, and resting – I am delighted yet again when Keith stops by to introduce me to a young woman who is eager to meet me. After a couple hours of nonstop energized conversation, the three of us enjoy further discussion over yummy pizza.
It seems that I have yet-another beautiful friend in my life.
The Itch Is Back
Saturday disappears as quickly as it begins – a day filled to the brim with more organizing, shopping for food, cooking beans, and simply resting.
But the one thing that jumps out, is literally ‘little things that jump out’.
During early morning meditation out on my patio, I capture and squash six tiny fleas, many of which had already chomped into my feet or ankles. I have new and unexpected visitors – new guests that came to visit while I was traveling – little energy workers that are right on schedule to remind me that it is time to increase the energy vibrations in my feet, to deepen my connections with mother earth.
As of this writing, I continue to avoid my patio, opting instead to meditate indoors. The fleas have now been sprayed three times – in fact dear sweet Miguel is spraying for a fourth time right now as I write these very words. Miguel claims that the fleas are gone, but he is just spraying for good measure – that the little jumpers are most likely ‘resting in peace’ with their maker.
Perhaps one day very soon I will again dare to venture out for a sunrise meditation on my porch.
Quite Perplexed
It is Sunday morning, September 25. After an early indoor morning meditation, a part of me insists that it is time for me to begin catching up on my writing – but my heart is unmotivated and my solar plexus continues to feel painfully prickly. I am hoping that today’s chocolate ceremony – my first under Keith’s guidance for nearly three months – will help me on both counts.
I have loved the incredible confidence-building experiences of facilitating chocolate for others – but while doing so I have been completely incapable of making significant progress in my own inner journey – a journey with a persistently prickly solar plexus that has me quite perplexed – a journey that seems to have been temporarily put on hold near the end of June.
Let Go Of Ideas
As the ceremony gets underway, a sense of nostalgic excitement swells in my heart. I feel happy, contented, and energized, wondering where my role as a healer and an assistant on Keith’s porch will take me. I know that I need to continue working on my own issues, but I also feel a sense of “I should focus more on helping others now.”
During our initial meditation, I note that a new friend is entering into some deep emotion. Quickly engaging my heart, I focus all of my heart energy on simply holding a powerful loving space for her.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me, “I’m being guided to tell you to let go of any ideas you have about what the ceremony today will look like for you.”
We Begin Again
Quickly, I drop any expectations of being a healer, and simply allow myself to be present with whatever emotions or insights may (or may not) flow into my awareness.
Keith immediately begins working with my friend as she delves deep into fears and anger over childhood shutdown issues.
Immediately a new layer of my own repressed emotion begins to surface. This beautiful young woman’s journey is taking me right into my own triggers – exactly where I need to go – and to my later astonishment, this is exactly where I left off in my own inner work last June.
In fact, as Keith works his way around, working with one person after another, every single thing that takes place or is spoken on the porch seems to be exactly what I need to hear.
Unfolding Clarity
Throughout the process, I sink into the experience of deep and profound fear as I gradually connect to the emotions of my little inner children. Intuitively I know that it is Bobby who is the one actually experiencing the fear.
To my surprise, I also clearly recognize that the fear relates to the terror of fully stepping into my magic – fear of moving out of the known and into the unknown – fear of a three-year-old being terrified that the divine magic is what always got him into trouble in the first place. The last thing that little Bobby wants to do is to reopen that frightening nightmare.
“So this is what this intense prickly energy in my solar plexus is all about.” I begin to ponder with clarity. “Bobby is terrified of all of the magic that I have begun to open up as I have been repeatedly performing chocolate ceremonies this summer. The prickly energy metaphorically represents the intense fear of fully embracing that magic.”
My Teacher
By now I am quietly sobbing, emitting muffled sniffling noises as I attempt to begin working with little Bobby.
“Can you release some of this fear to an angel?” I ask my little inner child.
Suddenly, I remember my work in June where we discovered that little Bobby is terrified of the angels and the confusing messages that they represented to him. As a child, Bobby had his own magical connections to Source. But the religious teachings that he was taught only served to further destroy his magic. Yes, any such religious metaphor creates terror in Bobby’s confused little heart.
Again, I reflect on a profound truth – recognizing that while I may not be working with a real child in a physical sense – that I am indeed working with a real subconscious energy. I need to work with little Bobby as a conscious, loving being – as a beautiful little boy who, in this situation, is actually here to be my teacher.
Gradual Relaxation
Feeling greatly humbled, I spend considerable time attempting to connect personally to dear sweet Bobby’s energy. I ask Sharon (my other little inner child) to hold his hand while I seek his permission to have a real, unconditionally loving angel assist him in the emotional energy release process.
Being intimately connected, I sense Bobby’s intense nervousness – his hesitance and resistance to my request. Finally when I ask if we can have the angel stand about twenty feet away, I sense Bobby’s energy reluctantly agree.
The process is extremely slow, but I delight in the fact that as I bring in higher energy I am gradually able to feel some relaxation in my solar plexus.
A Three Year Old ME
As another woman on the porch begins to talk about anger, I immediately feel an intense shift in the focus of my own emotional release.
“Bobby is extremely angry.” I suddenly realize with profound clarity. “He is angry about having been shutdown as a child, and his fears of opening are also intertwined with angry emotions about what will happen if he does open.”
As I experience the sensation of little Bobby’s intense anger, I begin to feel considerable nausea. I literally feel as if I physically need to vomit out the angry feelings that are now swarming like angry bees in my solar plexus.
As I experience this unpleasant sensation of nausea, deep muffled sobs resume while tissues again begin to pile up on the ground beside me. This process of subdued sobbing continues for over thirty minutes as Keith continues to work his way around the porch. Meanwhile, every other person’s emotional work continues to trigger me, perfectly stimulating more layers of my buried emotion to surface, taking me deeper and deeper.
My intuitions are profoundly clear. The emotions I am experiencing are those of a frightened and angry three-year-old ME.
A Never-Ending Process
As new painful emotional waves continue to surface and flow, I remain focused on encouraging Bobby to release these painful emotions to that intimidating angel who is still patiently standing about twenty feet away.
The intensity of my tearful emotional release totally shocks me. I am so deep in my pain, that as Keith conducts an “empath training” with others in the group, I half expect him to choose me as a subject who needs their assistance.
I feel lost and incapable of dealing with this much powerful emotion. I want to release it in the only way I trust – through intense waves of physical tears – but part of me senses that today will be different.
As things progress, Keith continues to leave me on my own in this process, visibly ignoring my tearful release – and I know it is all for a deeply inspired reason.
Meanwhile, I continue to partner with higher energies, slowly moving anger into the light. It is a very tedious and seemingly never-ending process.
Couple Connections
As Keith next begins to work with a young couple, coaching them in how to share healing energy with each other, my inner resistance begins to swell. I have never connected with this particular process, considering it to be somewhat a waste of my time.
Suddenly, I recognize that this process is indeed my own creation – it is for me – it is exactly what I need in order to heal the ongoing inner battle between masculine and feminine energies – a battle that continues to silently rage inside of me – a battle I had also mostly forgotten about during this long summer.
As I connect with Sharon and Bobby, my little inner children, I am shocked to sense a feeling of ongoing inner hatred between the two of them. Little Sharon continues to resent her repressed image of distorted, out-of-control, dominating masculine energy – little Bobby continues to resent the feminine that so lovingly shut him down and locked him away.
As Keith continues to work with the beautiful couple on the other side of the porch, I begin to work with my own beautiful internal couple – little Bobby and Sharon – gently encouraging them to hold hands and to share loving energy with each other.
The Ultimate Key
As I start this process, I am shocked by intensity of emotion that I feel directed toward the concept of ugly masculine energy. As I continue forward, I again sink into new waves of tears while imagining little Bobby attempting to send loving energy to Sharon and vice-versa. Wave after wave of insights flood my mind as I recognize that I am deeply engaged in a process that holds the ultimate key to the healing of my inner energies.
Without exchanging a word, Keith suddenly turns around, and from six feet away, he smiles a huge smile before giving me a huge thumbs-up. It never ceases to amaze me how Keith somehow knows what is going on at an energetic level, even when no words are being spoken.
New Perspectives
Finally, Keith stops what he is doing, and comes over to sit on the ground right next to me.
“Is there anyone in the group who needs help with anything?” Keith soon asks.
Meanwhile, my head is still bent forward as waves of mild tearful release continue to flow. As I overhear Keith’s words, I know they are aimed right at me. I take a deep breath, allow a semi-audible sigh to emanate from my mouth, and wipe another tear or two away from my eyes.
“All right,” Keith giggles. “We’ll work with Brenda.”
I quickly begin to share my profound journey of emotional release and unfolding insights – sharing my experiences of fear, then anger, then couple/relationship stuff – excitedly announcing how everything today seems beautifully orchestrated just for me.
Keith suddenly interrupts me, instructs me to close my eyes, and guides me into a deep, calming, peaceful meditation.
While meditating, I continue to feel amazed by how I am once again experiencing the emotions of childhood shutdown through an entirely new perspective, a completely new set of energetic eyes.
The Wind Knocked Out
To my surprise, without helping me to achieve any final resolution to my emotions, Keith again quickly moves on to work with others.
Even more dismaying is that I suddenly experience the physical sensation as if someone had just kicked me in the stomach, knocking all of the air out of me.
I briefly interrupt Keith, sharing details of this new metaphor that is now painfully consuming me.
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly explains, “in some cultures, air and breath are considered to be the same as Spirit.”
It suddenly makes sense to me. My body is metaphorically showing me that my Spirit was literally ‘kicked out of me’ when I was a tiny child.
Soul Retrieval
As if on cue, Keith then turns to work with one of my beautiful friends, coaching her through a process that in the shamanic world is often called “soul retrieval.”
Keith explains it beautifully, sharing that when we are younger, when a traumatic event happened that might have damaged some of our pure loving energy, we pushed that portion of our self outside of ourselves, giving it to our own Higher Energies for safekeeping. Then, when we are older and ready for that energy to come back, our Higher Self can return it to us in an unharmed, unscarred state.
In the old-age shamanic paradigm, it is the shaman who battles the demon and returns the piece of your soul back to you. In this beautiful new-age model, we ourselves are empowered by the fact that when the time is right, we can simply ask our own higher energies to return portions of our soul back to us.
A Well-Intentioned Mold
Again, I immediately recognize that what Keith is doing with my friend, is in reality perfectly orchestrated just for me. The powerful metaphor of feeling as if my air was ‘kicked out of me’ is telling me that portions of my Spirit literally were kicked out of me, and that now is the time to bring some of that energy back to where it belongs.
While intuitively focusing on bringing a flow of energy up from my solar plexus into my heart, I begin to feel my heart-center fill with power and light as my stomach region gradually reduces in pain. In remarkable balance, the stronger that my heart becomes, the less pain I experience in my solar plexus.
The energy filling my heart feels familiar, like a breath of fresh air finally returning to a place from which it was once lost.
Intuitions clearly flood my awareness, indicating that this “Spirit,” that is now returning to my heart, was forced out of me by loving parents – parents who were doing a beautiful job of raising a well-behaved and faithful Mormon boy. At that age, in that culture, there was no room for anything that did not conform to the well-intentioned mold into which my little soul was being lovingly coerced.
Looking In The Mirror
For most of fifteen minutes, I feel this beautiful energy gradually fill my heart while the present layer of pain in my solar plexus fades to nothingness.
As the process finishes, my memory suddenly flashes to the face of a beautiful five-year-old boy with whom I was privileged to have some interaction while In Utah. This incredible young man is intensely emotionally sensitive. His beautiful loving parents do everything they can to make him feel better – but try as they might, they can simply not understand why he is crying, and he ends up being lovingly punished (privileges withheld, etc.) for his uncontrollable emotional outbursts.
“That little boy is just like me at that age.” I suddenly exclaim to Keith as I recognize that I am literally looking in a mirror, seeing myself at age five.
Beautiful Perspective
“His parents love him so much.” I share with Keith. “Their intentions are unquestionably pure as they diligently strive to love him and teach him to be an emotionally stable and happy little Mormon boy.”
“That is exactly the same thing that I did to my own children.” I further add as my eyes again begin to fill with tearful sadness. “Wow, not only did it happen to me, and I did it to my own children … but now I am witnessing it first-hand as it happens to another beautiful young man while I can do nothing but watch.”
For a few minutes as I energetically connect to the young boy, I feel his emotional pain. The experience sheds great clarity onto my own deep emotional confusion as a child – onto my own inability to stop crying while my mother so lovingly attempted to help me to quiet my own uncontrollable tears.
“Wow,” I exclaim with wonder, “what a beautiful perspective that has imprinted itself on my heart today.”
A Renewed Passion
Several of us remain in animated conversation after the beautiful chocolate ceremony reaches conclusion. I feel energized by the amazing sequence of events that unfolded so synchronously on the porch today. Everything that happened … and I do mean everything … literally seems as if it was orchestrated specifically to push me along in my own personal healing journey.
“It is time for me to begin writing again.” I confidently proclaim as the afternoon sun begins to set over Keith’s porch.
A renewed passion swells powerfully in my heart.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my break from writing – but I am now quite eager to begin again.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved