After an incredibly intense four-day weekend consumed by explorations into childhood sanity, I finally surface from the bottom of the emotional lake.
On Tuesday, I gratefully enjoy a serene day of writing and meditation, a much needed breath of fresh air indeed.
In the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, peaceful energy abounds – no personal issues arise, and I am delighted by the opportunity to merely hold energetic space for the emotional journeys of others. A large group appears on the porch, several of whom speak little or no English. It is fun for a change to attempt awkward Spanish translations rather than attempting to translate the symbolic language of the subconscious.
But this energizing vacation from inner work is short lived. Thursday, April 21, brings with it a whole new wave of exciting emotional insight and growth – growth that only unfolds as I release doubts and begin to further trust an amazing synchronous flow of metaphorical threads.
Contrasting Energies
Learning to actually get up when I awaken during the wee morning hours has been, and continues to be, a tedious, long-and-drawn-out challenge. But for some reason I find it quite easy on Thursday morning to actually sit up in bed at 4:30 a.m., soon immersing myself in deep meditation.
The unplanned mind journey takes me further into self awareness, exploring patterns of thinking – patterns of slipping into confusion, of feeling overwhelmed, and of inability to understand instructions – patterns of being in a conversation with friends and suddenly realizing that I have slipped into mental isolation, not remembering a single word of the previous five minutes – patterns of varying forms of mental shutdown during stress.
As I spiral through the increasing insights of ‘Know Thyself’, I experience a rush of energy in my spine and head. Another obvious realization simultaneously settles in, “I am feeling almost no energy sensations, none whatsoever, in my lower chakras.”
“I wonder what that is about … and could I be about to find out?”
Meditative Magic
This meaningful morning meditation leaves me in a motivated and energized state, soon leading to four dedicated hours of non-stop language study. Little by little my Spanish skills continue to grow, as does an increasing freedom from past ego-driven loops – loops consisting of various forms of subtle self-sabotage.
The chocolate ceremony begins with a long period of silent meditative magic – not peaceful magic mind you, but magic that instead begins to guide me on a new journey through chaos.
Interruptions Of Silence
As I venture further into meditation, I am bombarded with confusion and doubt – feelings that only intensify with every attempt to calm the overwhelming chatter. This incessant mind babbling will not allow me to focus. Each time I grab hold of a worthy thought, trying to follow it deeper, the distracting confusion and resistance raise their heads like a two-headed dragon, knocking me off balance, causing me to retreat in bewilderment, taking me on a distracted and meaningless tangent.
“This must be something really big,” I think to myself as I ponder the strength of the inner resistance. “Why else would ego be fighting back so forcefully?”
“Keith, I could really use some help,” I finally interrupt the silence.
A Portfolio Of Evidence
“Go deeper into self observation.” Keith coaches me, congratulating me for being so aware of the ego loop unfolding inside of me.
As I allow myself to spiral deeper, observing myself from an impartial third-party perspective, I am able to see the ongoing process with increasing clarity. The doubts, the mental chatter, and the feelings of being lost continue to parade their presence through my consciousness with rising intensity.
I simply watch and learn, fully recognizing that ego is attempting to again suck me into my God/ separation drama, desperately trying to convince me that I will never receive the actual help that I seek – help that ego insists must come from a validating external source.
This hidden voice inside is wallowing in distracted confusion and predicted failure – declaring itself to be utterly helpless in resisting the ongoing barrage. The voice whines incessantly, proclaiming its desire to simply give up – tediously detailing a vast portfolio of collected evidence – evidence that proves beyond any doubt that there is no point in proceeding with this lame meditation.
A Flash Of Understanding
“Failure is assured and inevitable.” The voice screams. “Why further trouble myself in the face of what will surely end in embarrassing disappointment.”
This frantic voice – a voice that is clearly ego – is alone, separate, abandoned by God and teachers – helpless, and hopeless, pitifully lost in an endless game of smallness and futility.
Over the months, Keith has explained several times that the God/separation drama involves the fear that “If I am not pathetic enough, then God or teachers will surely never help me – that the only way to receive such help is if I am pathetic enough to need it.”
I have often felt slightly confused by Keith’s words. At times the ego voice would whisper that Keith was attempting to subtly convey that he thinks “I myself am pathetic” – but my heart knows otherwise.
I am now clear in this crazy meditation that ego is desperately trying to lead me down a journey of being absolutely pathetic and helpless – attempting to show me that I simply cannot do this type of inner work all by myself.
Today, I finally understand.
A Frightening Thought
An intuitive flash causes the observer-in-me to suddenly reverse the words of those fear-based ego words.
“A deeply rooted part of me believes,” I ponder with profound clarity, “that if I am strong and empowered then I will be expected to do everything on my own – all by myself – that no one will ever again offer me assistance if I appear capable of doing the task by myself.”
“Being capable and empowered will cause me to be all alone.” Ego shouts with convincing power. “God will no longer assist me and no one will help me ever again.”
What a frightening thought.
A Pathetic Help History
Inside, I do indeed carry a firmly-rooted subconscious belief that, “If I am empowered and capable of doing something on my own, then no one will ever step up to help me.”
Repeatedly in my life, personal experience has seemingly-proven this false-belief to be true. I have a long history of being fiercely independent – doing my own yard work – my own major remodeling and home repairs – my own psychological self-help – stubbornly struggling through every this and that, no matter how huge and/or difficult the task, whether physically or mentally.
Even as I attempt to write these words today, I giggle as I realize how I am struggling just to write this very section, refusing to pause and ask for higher guidance to help me.
Life evidence has seemingly proved to me that being empowered and capable has an implicit outcome of “I will have to do it all by myself.”
But if I am honest with myself, I see that the opposite is true.
An Ironic Twist
Yes, as I honestly reflect back in time, I did indeed repetitively fall prey to the belief that help would not be available until I got pathetic enough to require it.
Ironically, I had it all backwards.
The help was always available, simply waiting for me to open my heart and to ask.
The problem was in my own stubbornness and independence. It was I who refused to seek out the help until I collapsed into that pathetic state of helplessness.
Ego Is A Liar
“Brenda,” Keith has often told me, “I’m a smart cookie, but I could have never figured this all out on my own.”
I have always recognized that this statement is also true for me. I clearly recognize that I am but an embryo in my understanding – that guidance from higher sources is my only hope of further progression down the path toward that mysterious spiritual awakening.
But ego continues to encourage me to be stronger, more independent, and less needy – continuing to whisper that requesting help means I am stupid and dumb – that by now I should be capable of doing it by myself.
Ego is a liar!
The more I expose ego’s games, the more I discover that the divine guidance I seek is always right there, simply waiting for me to ask.
Preacher On A Soap Box
The energies on the porch are now high enough.” Keith unexpectedly interjects as I begin to reach greater peace and clarity.
“I think we can all connect in meditation at a much deeper level,” Keith continues, “just like Serg and I did this morning.”
Keith is referring to a meditation this morning in which he and Serg had accessed a very profound high-vibration energy connection.
Immediately upon hearing these words, I again sink into confusing shutdown, beginning to doubt my energy and meditation abilities in a huge way.
“I feel as if my rational mind is standing up on a soap box.” I exclaim to Keith in frustration as my confidence wavers dramatically.
“This uninvited preacher is screaming that I simply cannot access these higher levels,” I continue, “declaring that it WILL NOT happen – that I am not now capable, nor will I ever be capable of meditating at such high-vibration levels.”
“Replace that rational mind voice with an image of your religious leaders.” Keith guides me in an unexpected twist. “Take your power back from that voice.”
No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot seem to do it. The task feels unachievable.
A Tale Of Two Frogs
To my initial annoyance (I guess I have not yet learned), Serg interrupts the discussion in an attempt to help me.
Serg quickly shares a delightful little story about two frogs. Please forgive me for paraphrasing.
It seems that one frog lives at the bottom of a deep well. His entire reality consists of the confines of the well. He is intimately familiar with every reachable corner of his physical world. This little frog is an accomplished expert on the Universe as he experiences it, being happy and content to live out his days in this tiny little kingdom.
One day, a second frog comes to visit the first. This traveling frog has come from the ocean, and shares fantastic stories – stories that sound unbelievable – stories of an unlimited world – of a huge reality of powerful waves, sandy beaches, warm sun, and an unrestricted potential for exploration and learning.
“I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me!” The first frog declares as he listens intently to the frog’s ocean stories, attempting to understand, but struggling with the concept of whether such bizarre truths could actually exist. The tiny frog wants to believe, wants to understand, but is simply incapable of grasping concepts so foreign to his current experience.
“I cannot possibly describe the majesty, beauty and wonder of my world using words.” The second frog finally gives up even trying to explain. “Why don’t you just come and visit me at the ocean? You can find out for yourself.”
I Don’t Know How
As Serg completes this delightful little story, new insights begin to burst forth with every thought.
“I am living in a well.” I ponder humbly. “I have lived in this limited reality for my entire life. How can I ever presume to understand the vast and unlimited ocean?”
Yes, intuitions have given me glimpses of the occasional blurry photo. Powerful experiences have brought the taste of salt to my tongue, the sound of distant seagulls to my ears, and brief feelings of the warm sun on my skin … but I long for a personal visit to this amazing place … I crave a first-hand understanding … I desperately desire to actually visit the ocean.
Tears begin to trickle down my cheeks as I feel deeply humbled and hopelessly lost. The ocean seems so far away. I wish I knew how to proceed.
Attempting To Deceive
“I can’t do this Keith,” I whimper through newly humbled tears. “As much as I want to take my power back, that preacher on a soap box seems to have too much control over me.”
Soon Keith guides both me and Serg into our own individualized subconscious journeys. This journey involves extra doorways and several additional hallways, where at the end of my journey I discover a small room. In the center of the room is a short pedestal, on top of which rests an open book – a book containing the rules that continue to run my life.
I briefly see a visual of the pedestal and book, but as Keith asks me to read the words on the already-open page, I can only feel the invisible content. I slowly share with Keith what my feelings tell me is written on that page.
“I must defer absolute authority to my church leaders. My personal guidance will never guide me outside the boundaries carefully outlined by those leaders. If any intuitive guidance goes against church teachings, then I will know that the guidance is coming from evil satanic sources that are attempting to deceive me.”
Pulverized To Dust
“Rip the pages out and destroy them.” Keith guides me.
Keith emphasizes that the pages containing the subconscious rules must be destroyed in a permanent and creative way, and that the metaphorical process must be repeated for a total of three times.
For the first time, I take the pages to a fireplace, where I toss them into the flames of a huge, blazing fire. As I watch the final paper disappear into ashes I return back to the book.
After ripping out the same pages for a second time, I tear them into tiny shreds, sprinkle acid all over them, and then carefully immerse them into a large vat of paper-eating acid. When the process is complete I again return to the book, rip the pages out one last time, and cover them with hot wax, following which I pulverize them to dust using a flaming blow torch.
A Serious Rule
As I finish my process, I intuitively take another glance at the open book and sense that another rule is waiting to be destroyed. This one has a slightly different twist.
“My life journey is to be taken very seriously. Spirituality is serious business. No fun is allowed. Fun is a distraction.”
As I reach phase three in the destruction of this second rule, I feel quite creative and choose to have some fun. First I rip the pages into tiny bits and soak them to a pulp in water. Next I toss the pulpy water into a nearby river where fish quickly rush up and devour the sinking blobs of mushy paper. Repeatedly, the smaller fish are eaten by larger and larger fish who are eventually swallowed by sharks.
Taking Back My Power
As I finish this process I again return my focus onto taking back my power from that pushy preacher standing on a soap box – the one telling me I cannot raise my energies to new levels in meditation.
Suddenly, I see the hot-air filled church leader as being a huge hot-air balloon. Grabbing the man-shaped balloon in my hands, I untie the end where the air is inflated. Then, placing my lips to the open end, I suck the air out of the balloon, breathing it back into my body.
To me, this is deeply symbolic of taking back my power, breathing it back into my own soul. The metaphorical process brings with it a great sense of emotional peace.
Absolutely Nothing
As Keith proceeds to work with others, I decide to continue on my own, to find out if I can really do this type of work with minimal assistance from a physical teacher.
Remembering recent experiences, I again ask my unnamed higher-being friend to blend energy with me. Almost immediately after silently expressing my intent, I feel the same warm presence pressing on the upper portion of my heart chakra, letting me know that my friend is here.
“Will you help me work with my solar plexus?” I ask the higher being. “I would like to figure out how to further open up this painful and shutdown chakra.”
As I place this request out into the Universe, I immediately feel … absolutely nothing.
Metaphorical Threads
Keith has frequently taught me that making direct requests of the higher energies is totally appropriate. The higher energies will always respond, but the answer may not necessarily be what I requested. Once my intent has been expressed, my job is to release all attachments, and to instead begin to follow and unravel the metaphorical threads of whatever response I do receive. If I surrender and follow these unraveling metaphors, I always find great treasures.
As I ponder this wisdom from Keith, realizing that this is what I must now do, I quickly begin to feel more sharp pains in my solar plexus.
“That is definitely a metaphor to follow.” I begin to coach myself.
As I flow into the pain, I am intuitively guided to feel as if I am working with a scared puppy – some type of fear that is too frightened to fully communicate with me.
I imagine myself placing a bowl of milk – milk filled with love and light – into my abdomen for the little shaking puppy to drink.
I feel absolutely no change. I repeat with more loving milk. Again I sense no difference. I send a stronger wave of love with the same result of nothing. In confused desperation, I invite my precocious little inner child Sharon to go play with the puppy. Again the offer is ignored and rejected. Nothing changes.
It seems that my solar plexus is overflowing with resistance.
An Isolation Chamber
Not giving up, I return to an even deeper meditation, again trusting my own feelings without seeking outside validation from Keith.
Soon, a new semi-visual metaphor pops unexpectedly into my head, replacing that of the puppy. I feel and partially see the presence of a round isolation chamber with a submarine-like hatch for a door. To my surprise, the door is locked from the inside, behind which I sense an isolated little boy – the little boy of my childhood – my little Bobby.
Beautiful little Bobby is hiding out, refusing to leave his isolation chamber. More than half a century ago little Bobby locked himself in this room as a protection from the outside world – the fearful world of the chaos and confusion that energetically shut him down.
I try to coax Bobby to open the hatch, to perhaps even come outside, but he will neither come out nor allow me in. He does not trust me, seeing me as the cause of his problems.
The experience is quite similar to one in which I discovered my little girl Sharon – a story fully documented in a blog entry titled Sharonsky.
Building Trust
Sharon quickly comes to my rescue as I ask for her help. When she too fails to coax little Bobby to come out, Sharon waves her wand and magically teleports herself to the inside of the isolation chamber where she begins to have a little chat. Bobby continues to be stubborn, refusing to listen.
Eventually, with a great deal of coaxing, Sharon reminds Bobby that he is magical, and that he can make the isolation tank disappear and reappear at will. The two of them do it several times together. Bobby is actually quite excited about his magical ability.
I simply watch and allow as my two inner children play and develop mutual trust in one another.
An Excited Child
At one point in the ceremony, I briefly fill in Keith regarding what I am doing, but I then resume working on my own without seeking his further guidance.
As Keith begins to work with one of my friends, little Bobby suddenly makes his isolation chamber disappear and begins to pay careful attention to what is occurring outside on the porch.
When Keith begins to work with an empath, I briefly ponder how in the past two weeks Keith has twice pointed out that I move emotional density like an empath. Considerable doubt continues to linger in my head, but I trust Keith when he tells me it did indeed happen.
Suddenly as Keith announces that we are going to do another empath training, I feel the energy of little Bobby jumping up and down excitedly, bouncing around in my abdomen with glee.
“I know how to do that!” I sense Bobby exclaim as a surge of energy begins to vibrate in my tummy.
“I want to practice.” Little bobby giggles. “I want to do the training.”
Without even thinking, I feel intuitively guided to hold my hands in a certain position, and I immerse myself deeply into the learning process, imagining this beautiful little child as guiding me through each step.
Fading Doubts
“Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts the process. “Why don’t you try to coax little Bobby out of his chamber and ask him to help. I am getting clear guidance that he would already know how to do this type of energy moving, and that he would really enjoy the fun experience.”
“Uh, Keith,” I giggle, “I am a little ahead of you on that one.”
“I thought so,” Keith chuckles with acknowledgment.
I quickly fill Keith in on what I have been doing for the last while. I love the fact that my personal guidance had already led me to this very same place prior to Keith’s inspired words.
For most of the next hour I simply allow Bobby to show me how to move this dense emotional energy – energy that flows in undeniable strength – a flow that I experience in a very physical way.
Many nagging doubts begin to lose their power.
Migrating Pains – Many Meanings
As the process nears completion, I begin to feel strong pain in my shoulders.
“It is the fear of new responsibilities.” Keith guides me intuitively.
Keith goes on to explain that a part of me is deeply fearful of developing new magical gifts – fearful of the burden of being a more powerful healer – fearful of having my life overwhelmed and consumed by the requests of others seeking my time and assistance.
“Your body is trying to warn you,” Keith adds, “saying NO, STOP, don’t do it, we already have enough responsibility.”
As the pain in my shoulders subsides, it is quickly replaced by renewed pain in the solar plexus – an area that has been pain-free for most of the last hour.
“You are not trusting your inner child.” Keith quickly interjects. “Now that your child has shown himself to be a powerful healer, you are a little afraid of him controlling you.”
Almost as if on cue, the pain quickly shifts to my collar bone.
“This is your Christ Consciousness center trying to open up,” Keith again follows me, “but you are resisting.”
As I focus on relaxing the resistance, I immediately experience a powerful flow of energy in the area of my upper heart chakra, experientially confirming Keith’s words in a delightful way.
“This high-heart center is a major part of your future healing abilities,” Keith adds lovingly. “It is opening up even more.”
Metaphorical Wrap-Up
As Thursday afternoon gradually fades to evening, I sit on my pillow in deep contemplation, peacefully absorbing and integrating the rapid succession of metaphorical threads that quickly unfolded this afternoon.
From the beginning, chatter-filled meditation led me to eye-opening observations of ego, followed by powerful self-understanding regarding my God/separation drama.
Then, as I began to raise my energy vibrations, a pompous little preacher came out onto his soap box to again remind me that I am doomed to forever fail. Following this metaphorical thread, I uncovered and released two subconscious rules that prevented me from taking back the power that I had once handed over to this religious hot-air power-parasite.
With my inner power back where it belongs, combined with the new-found humility given to me by the grace of two frogs, I then set out on another adventure – one of asking for blending assistance from a higher being.
Not getting what I thought I wanted, I trusted myself enough to simply follow the unfolding threads on a treasure hunt that took me on a delightful clue-filled synchronous journey with a mystical and magical little boy named Bobby.
As I reflect on this amazing mish-mash of growth, I am peacefully overjoyed to realize that my higher-being friend is still with me, continuing his support and love, continuing to make his presence felt in my upper chest.
I could not have asked for a more amazing day – a day that has profoundly taught me to deeply trust the process – to simply embrace the first metaphor that comes along and to follow the threads that synchronously unfold as a result.
It seems that deep trust and self-confidence are indeed beginning to take root.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved