It is Wednesday – the last Wednesday of what has been a deeply healing and powerful month of February. As I sit on Keith’s magical porch, my heart is aglow, overflowing with loving energy, light energy that I freely radiate and share with others – well at least with others of the female gender, that is.
My heart ties itself in knots whenever I ponder the thought of approaching anyone of the masculine persuasion with the intention of volunteering to share a portion of my overflowing light. The source of this intense fear remains deeply buried.
As I sit cross-legged in the middle of the chocolate porch, I quietly share a little energy with a woman who I intuitively know needs a little loving support. During a quick glance to my left, I notice the large bare feet of a man, less than a foot away, within easy reach of my loving energy. I later learn that his name is Anton.
“Put your left hand on his feet.” The Jedi voices vibrate quietly in the recesses of my heart.
“No.” I initially resist. “He is a man … I cannot do that … I won’t do that … that would be too forward of me.”
I repeatedly fight the intuition as I glance upward at Anton’s face. He is seated on the ground, reclining with his back against a chair. He looks pleasant enough with his peacefully closed eyes and slightly messed up short blond hair. My guess is that he is approximately my own age – a fact that makes me even more reluctant to place my hands on his feet.
“What if he thinks I am showing a personal romantic interest in him?” I cringe with doubt. “That is the last message I want to convey.”
Permission Granted
The battle between head and heart lingers for a few long drawn-out minutes, but eventually heart wins.
Still cowering in fearful hesitation, I tentatively place my left hand several inches above Anton’s feet, focusing the energy that radiates from my palms downward into his toes.
As I stare into Anton’s face, his eyes still being closed, I notice that his entire expression quickly changes to a softer, more relaxed look.
I bring my hand down closer, about an inch from the tops of Anton’s feet, continuing to focus my unconditionally loving energy in his direction. I want to briefly tap him on the toes to ask for his permission to continue, but the energy flowing through my hands gets his attention for me. Almost immediately, Anton briefly opens his eyes, makes eye contact, smiles, and nods his head, indicating that it is OK for me to proceed.
Destination Unknown
Within seconds, both of my hands are resting lightly on his bare feet. His eyes remain closed and peaceful, but almost immediately Anton’s shoulders, jaw, and eyes begins to lightly shake. I am completely clueless as to what is going on, but strong intuition tells me that my energy is anchoring Anton in some type of spiritual energy journey.
After about twenty minutes – long minutes in which Anton’s closed eyes and relaxed face continue to lightly twitch and vibrate – internal intuitions tell me that it is time to move on. As I remove my hands from Anton’s feet, I notice a sudden reaction of distress in his face. Slightly confused by what just took place, I continue to share energy with others on the porch, going wherever my heart guides me.
More than an hour later, I feel guided back to work with Anton – but this time my intuition causes me to sit on the chair just behind him and to his right – between Anton and another young man that is also seated on the ground.
Facing my uneasy fears of masculine energy, I check in with both Anton and the young man on my right, making sure they are OK with me placing my hands on their backs.
“Oh oh!” Anton exclaims with a slightly confused look in his eyes before granting his permission. “Am I going to go on another trip?”
“I don’t know.” I reply with a giggle. “That is completely up to you.”
As I place my left hand on Anton’s back and my right on the back of the other young man, I feel tingling energy flowing through my palms. I quickly notice that Anton has again entered some type of energy vortex, seemingly going into some type of other reality. As before, I work with Anton and the young man to his right for about twenty minutes before feeling intuitively guided that it is now time for me to sit and meditate on my own.
Again, I take note of the fact that Anton seems to go into a brief period of deep distress at the very instant in which I remove my hand.
Feedback Galore
It is indeed a magical day on Keith’s porch. My own energy skyrockets as I hold space for one person after another, assisting others both in emotional release and subconscious exploration.
As the chocolate ceremony comes to a conclusion, several people approach me to provide much desired feedback – beautiful words assuring me that they felt a strong flow of warm and loving energy, that my assistance was deeply appreciated and powerfully received. I love to hear such words of encouragement and validation. Often, I still doubt myself, wondering if any of the energy sharing that I am doing is really being felt by anyone else. Today’s feedback warms my heart and fills my soul with joy. But it is Anton’s feedback that most peaks my curiosity.
“How long was I gone?” Anton asks me with an emotional tone and a puzzled look. “I don’t remember anything – I have no memory at all of what happened during the two times that you put your hands on me.”
Inception Conceptions
In a much needed girl’s night out, Rae and I take a detour straight from Keith’s porch, devouring burgers and fries at a local restaurant while immersing ourselves in a showing of the movie ‘Inception’ – a fascinating exploration into the concepts of lucid dreaming and the illusory reality in which we play out our lives.
Afterward, the two of us engage in an animated spiritual discussion about the concepts raised in the movie – a delightful and thought-provoking conversation that goes on until well after 11:00 p.m..
Even though it is way past my bedtime, Rae and I stay up even later while I practice Reiki on her, loving the instantaneous feedback she provides regarding the powerful flow of energy that she feels. Soon, the vertical Reiki turns into horizontal Reiki, and the two of us are again cuddling on the daybed in our living room – a cuddling that does not end until 3:00 a.m. at which time I crawl off to my bed, increasingly frustrated that I simply cannot fall asleep while touching the energy field of another.
I love the feeling of energy flowing back and forth between two living souls – I begin to crave the idea of sharing such energy in a romantic relationship. Such energy sharing is so safe with Rae – but the thought of doing something so innocent and beautiful with someone in a male body continues to be absolutely intimidating.
“Why is that?” I silently ask myself while drifting off to sleep. “I wonder if I will ever have a safe opportunity to share such beautiful energy with a man.”
The Divine Masculine
After a few hic-ups into slight victim energy on Thursday morning, I quickly re-energize my deeply centered loving energy shortly after drinking chocolate on Keith’s porch. I am fully prepared for another amazing day of sharing energy with others, but have long since learned to be completely unattached to the unpredictable flow of events as directed by my Higher Self.
As Keith places his intuitive eye in my direction, I begin sharing with him regarding all of my deep insights about how beliefs, thoughts, and concepts are all merely energy stored in our field, then raising the question about why these silly little energy blobs have so much power to control our lives – wondering why these dense low-vibration energies carry so much influence in preventing us from connecting to higher energies.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me. “Bring in more energy through your crown chakra.”
Keith’s comment catches me completely off guard. As I check in with my energy flow, I quickly recognize that the energy flow in my head continues to feel flat and nearly nonexistent. Except in rare circumstances, I seldom feel energy flowing in my upper chakras.
For several minutes I focus on surrendering and allowing, meditatively asking for the assistance of higher energies. For the same several minutes, I feel nothing but stuck.
“Go in and find out why.” Keith guides me into meditation before leaving to work with someone else.
Using subconscious metaphors to guide me, I imagine the energy rising from Mother Earth as the Divine Feminine. Even though I am still partially blocked in my lower chakras, today I can indeed feel this feminine flow gently rising from below. Likewise, I imagine the energies coming down from above as being the Divine Masculine energies from the Sun and from the Cosmos above. To my bewilderment, those energy flows continue to feel completely blocked.
Out of nowhere, a new metaphorical image unexpectedly pops into my imagination – a visual of my father holding his hands gently on the top of my head.
Masculine Shutdown
The intuitive understanding immediately floods my conscious awareness. The Mormon religion bestows the Priesthood upon all worthy male members – an ordination of divine (masculine) authority to act in God’s name so long as such priesthood authority is used properly under the rules and direction of the male hierarchy of the church.
During my early life, my father (and other church leaders too) frequently placed their hands on my head – usually to bestow blessings for healing, or to ordain me with various callings or responsibilities in my religion. Always, the blessings were done with masculine authority, believed to be of Divine origin. Rarely, if ever, did I feel internally comfortable in receiving or giving such blessings to others.
I quickly remember recent recognitions in which I realized that I was deeply abused by my childhood religion – not in explicit obvious ways, but in psychic, energetic ways. This new metaphor strongly reinforces the intellectual understanding that the shutdown of my inner magic – a shutdown that continues to restrict energy flow in my crown chakra – is directly related to the masculine authority of my religious upbringing.
As tears begin to stream down my cheeks, I whisper a “thank you” to my guides for bringing newfound clarity.
Yes, as a very young child, I shut down my own crown chakra in an effort to prevent the psychic abuse of the masculine energies that were subtly being used to reprogram me – to erase my true divine magic, replacing it with what my young inner child knew to be a well-intentioned but masterful counterfeit.
Throughout my gradual spiritual reawakening, I have subconsciously blamed God for withholding these energies from me. Now, I again receive a powerful understanding of the fact that the energies have always been there, I simply need to unblock my own body, allowing them to once again flow freely.
Pity Party Palace
As my tears intensify, Keith soon returns to my side to guide me in a deeper journey.
“Go down there.” Keith instructs me. “Go right down into the middle of this deep emotion.”
As I begin to visualize, I feel myself again standing at the edge of what feels like a black and bottomless pit. But this time there is no ladder or staircase, only a single long rope dangling out in the middle.
“Go down the rope.” Keith again coaches me.
I try to imagine myself hanging on the rope, slowly climbing down, wrapping my leg around the rope as I slowly inch downward. But try as I might, I feel deeply distracted while simultaneously experiencing considerable internal resistance. I cannot climb down. I won’t climb down.
“Let go of the resistance and throw it down the hole.” Keith blurts out unexpectedly. “See what happens when you do that.”
Again I resist. I don’t see how I can possibly let go of the stubborn fears. Finally, in desperation, I simply imagine myself letting go of the rope, falling … falling … falling.
“I just splash-landed in a pool at the bottom of the cavern.” I begin to explain to Keith as I keep him posted on my progress. “The temperature of the water is cool and I cannot feel a bottom with my feet.”
I then express my surprise by the fact that a dim light seems to be illuminating a small area just a short distance away. I imagine myself swimming over to the edge of the pool and then climbing out onto what feels like a flat area.
Almost immediately, I sense the presence of a sofa, a large television, and a surround-sound movie system.
“This feels like my pity party room.” I tell Keith with surprise. “It is a place I can come to when I am so depressed that I literally need to hide from my emotions … a place where I can lose myself, let go of the pain, and recharge my empty soul.
I continue explaining how I have always isolated myself during my deepest periods of feeling victimized and misunderstood – periods when I have felt desperate, alone, and hopeless. It is a place where I struggled to regroup, to let go of unbearable emotions, to pick up the pieces of my heart, and to breathe new life and hope into what felt like a future of futility.
“This place feels very safe.” I explain further to Keith. “I recognize that coming here has literally saved my life, serving me well in times where I had no other outlet.”
“But now,” I add, “I am tired of coming here …”
A Drop of Light
“Now that you have found the bottom,” Keith resumes coaching me, “bring in the higher energies to transmute this dense energy.”
As I meditate on this new task, I feel very powerful and peaceful, but am still not experiencing a strong energy flow anywhere in my upper chakras. While continuing to envision this incoming light, I imagine that a single small drop of the magical energy finds its way into the center of my head.
Suddenly, I feel as if I have received a powerful gift – a feeling of deep joy accompanied by vivid purple and blue visual images dancing in my mind – a deep realization that the real gift is a deep understanding of the pain of how it feels to be shut down, an understanding that will teach me to love more fully, to better help others in their own awakening paths.
Tears of joy and gratitude stream down my cheeks, while at the same time I intuitively know that I have still barely scratched the surface in reopening the deep magic buried deeply in both my upper and my lower chakras.
Evening Wrap-up
As the chocolate ceremony comes to conclusion, the rational mind part of me is deeply judgmental, simply ranting that I am looping over and over in the same stuff, scamming myself with imaginary meditations, not really doing anything productive at all. These thoughts of self-judgment and self-doubt are quite persistent, demanding that I give them a voice.
Deep gratitude warms my heart as I discuss this resurging inner battle with Keith. With love and patience in his eyes, Keith shares how he used to raise the same questions in his own healing journey, and how every time his guides would gently reassure him of the same thing that he now reassures in me – that I am indeed doing real and powerful work, peeling back one real layer of density after another.
As I briefly review my last eight months, deep gratitude flows in my veins. There is no doubt whatsoever as to the profound healing that continues to expand in my heart – there is no doubt whatsoever that today’s work was indeed real and that considerable magic is already beginning to open up.
“Just allow more time to integrate.” I gently reassure myself.
Budding Metaphors
At the start of Friday’s chocolate ceremony, I experience a feeling of focused and painful pressure, right at the center of my third eye chakra. Churning pains in my solar plexus and sacral areas also demand my metaphorical attention. I do not yet know it, but these pains are destined to be my companions for considerable time to come, frequently recurring whenever I drink chocolate, reminding me of the continued ongoing blockages in both my upper and lower chakras, reminding me of how these blockages are all related to my childhood energetic shutdown.
But as I ponder these budding metaphorical mysteries, my attention is quickly drawn to the work of others. My heart tells me that today will not be a day in which I work on myself. I soon find myself exploring my own inner magic at the experiential level.
Gradually, I follow my intuition from one person to the next, while at the same time resisting an internal guidance to go work further with Anton. My strong resistance of male energy continues to push Anton away. Part of me wants to ignore the strange energetic events of Wednesday.
Finally, after over an hour of shining energetic love for others, I surrender to internal guidance, sitting on the ground by Anton’s side, lightly placing my hands on his feet.
Suddenly Severed
Almost immediately Anton’s head sinks forward, with his chin nearly touching his chest. It is obvious that Anton is no longer present in this reality. About thirty seconds later, desiring to test a theory that has been forming in my mind ever since Wednesday, I remove my hands from Anton’s feet. Within a fraction of a second, Anton’s head raises up as he is jerked forcefully back to consciousness, as if his lifeline to wherever he was connected has been suddenly severed.
Just to make sure I am not imagining things, I again place my hands on Anton’s feet. Almost immediately he sinks into some type of trance for a second time. Fifteen seconds later I once again remove my hands, causing Anton to repeat his sudden jerking motion while appearing to gasp for breath.
By this time, I intuitively know that something very powerful is taking place, and that I am in way over my head.
“Keith,” I call out, “I need your help over here.”
Finger Tip Trance
For the remainder of Friday’s session, all attention is focused on Anton and on the undeniable energetic connection that exists between him and me.
Attempting to do so without further traumatizing Anton, I demonstrate to Keith regarding the strange way in which my specific energy pulls Anton into and out of some type of trance. Each time, I feel slightly guilty as I witness the trauma through which Anton appears to pass when my touch is withdrawn.
Under Keith’s guidance, we perform several repeated experiments in an attempt to further understand what is taking place. Eventually, we discover that just the mere touch of the tip of my little finger is all that it takes to pull Anton into and out of his trance state. Through the process of elimination we also rule out the energy of others – as bizarre as it may seem, only my specific energy seems to have this effect on Anton.
As occasionally occurs on Keith’s porch, my body eventually informs me that I require a quick trip into a nearby bathroom. To my surprise, as I carefully remove my fingertip from Anton’s leg, he does not seem to react in any way whatsoever. Carefully backing away, I leave him under the care of three other women who are gathered around holding space for him. Less than thirty seconds later, as I hurriedly exit the bathroom door, I am totally unprepared for what I encounter.
Anton is perched up on a chair, in a state of near panic. The moment he sees my face, he lunges off the chair with hands outstretched, frantically grasping for my own hands. As we reconnect energetically, Anton relaxes back to his position on the ground and quickly drifts back into never-never land.
I feel quite puzzled, wondering what this all means.
Impeccable Timing
“Why is it that Anton and I have such a strange and unique energetic connection?” I ponder to myself. “And why is this happening now?”
I cannot help but marvel that only yesterday I was deeply processing my lifelong rejection of masculine energy, and that only two days ago, as I cuddled with Rae on our daybed, I was deeply craving the opportunity to share similar safe energy with someone of the male persuasion.
“This is not exactly what I had in mind.” I joyfully giggle to myself as I ponder the circumstances, realizing that the situation unfolding around me is exactly what I need to experience at this very moment in order to facilitate my growth.
What’s Your Name?
“Anton, the goal is to see if you can stay conscious when you connect with this high energy state.” Keith begins to coach Anton.
Keith asks me to continue working with Anton, holding his hands, feeding him my energy while he attempts to stay conscious. Very frequently Anton drifts off and I try to pull him back with my voice, without releasing our physical connection, attempting to make his transitions easier.
Occasionally Anton opens his eyes and tries to speak, but no sounds are made by his slowly moving lips. When he attempts to speak, I begin to talk to him.
“Hello Anton.” I begin. “Are you back … Are you here?”
When he does not respond, I continue talking.
“Come back to us … Come back to this dimension.” I coach him.
I soon get another flash of intuition, one telling me to ask him an obvious question.
“What is your name?” I ask Anton as he struggles to bring sound to his lips. “Can you tell me your name?”
Finally, with great effort, Anton squeezes out the words, “Anton … my name is Anton,” following which a big smile returns to his face.
My Angel
Anton and I continue working together throughout the afternoon. Gradually, he reaches a state where returning to life in the physical dimension is not as traumatic – but still quite difficult.
“I don’t want to return when I am there.” Anton whispers to me. “There is so much joy there that it is like I am having a continuous energetic orgasm.”
Anton struggles to remember anything else, continually coming up empty in the description department, other than reiterating that it is a place of intense pleasure and joy.
“Several times when you are asking me my name, trying to bring me back,” Anton further fills me in, “I see you as an angel, my angel, helping me, guiding me. You have a bright and radiant golden orangish-pink aura shining brilliantly around you. You are so amazingly beautiful.”
“I am not sure if you are there in the other dimension with me,” Anton continues, “or if you are simply welcoming me back when I return.”
I almost blush as I contemplate Anton’s unexpected words.
The Word
As group ends, people filter out one by one. I remain in the center of the porch, holding Anton’s hand while he sleeps comfortably on several cushions, oblivious to what is going on around him. Keith decides that Anton could use a little rest, so I simply maintain a loving and safe space while continuing to hold his hand, making no attempt to bring him back to physical awareness.
Finally, around 8:00 p.m., Keith decides that it is time to wake Anton up. I gently begin talking to him, asking him to wake up, calling him back and asking him to say his name. When Anton finally wakes up, I gently release his hand, and we begin to talk. He is exhausted and confused, having very few memories surrounding what has taken place on the porch during the previous five hours, but he does remind me that I am his beautiful angel with the brilliant aura.
Keith and I slowly assist Anton in walking to his hotel. Anton is quite physically unstable and slightly disoriented, so Keith walks on one side, supporting one of Anton’s arms, while I do the same on the other.
As my head finally rests on my own pillow, late on Friday night, I cannot help but briefly ponder something that Anton had told me right at the start of group today.
“Brenda, I have a word for you, written on a piece of paper in my back pocket.” Anton had told me. “This word came to me in meditation this morning. As soon as you figure it out, I will show you the piece of paper.”
As I drift off to sleep, I am simply too tired to even care what that silly word might be.
A Day in Limbo
Early Saturday morning, I have every intention of writing, but my energy is simply too fragmented and distracted. Even though I am quite emotionally stable, I feel a deep need to simply isolate and integrate the boggling growth through which I have been passing all week long. A prime opportunity to write turns into a much needed and much deserved day of simply doing nothing.
Feelings of Jealousy
As group begins on Sunday afternoon, I am quickly greeted by another round of painful churning energy in my abdomen, casually reminding me that I continue to have considerable blockage in my second chakra – the chakra related to creativity and sexuality. I am getting quite tired of this recurring reminder, but am also grateful for the metaphorical message that I still have more work to do, especially in the areas relating to the suppression of my sexuality.
As I focus on following the metaphorical threads of my own process, I watch with a sense of slight annoyance and jealousy as Keith asks others to work with Anton, specifically instructing me to remain at a distance, at least for now. The presence of my energy might slightly complicate what Keith wants to accomplish with Anton.
Keith is now quite certain that Anton is being taken to a very powerful and high state of Kundalini energy – an energy so intense that it literally overwhelms Anton, making him go unconscious.
“You need to remain conscious so that you can learn how to share this energy with others.” Keith tells Anton. “If you don’t learn how to share this energy gift, rather than simply keeping it for yourself, it is quite possible that the higher energies might shut this process down.”
Immersed in a feeling of slight sadness, I simply meditate and ponder my own emotional process as Anton begins working with Keith and others, learning how to consciously remain present while sharing his gift with many others on the porch.
I nearly jump for joy when, after nearly two hours, Keith finally indicates that it is now OK if I too want to participate with Anton, who has now managed to reach a state where he is mostly able to remain conscious. Others in the group have seemed to benefit greatly from the energy that Anton has shared with them. I am eager and hoping that just maybe I might experience similar benefits.
Intimate Sharing
“Would you like me to try taking you with me?” Anton asks me lovingly.
With both of us sitting face to face on the ground, we grasp each other’s hands. Our legs are slightly intertwined, allowing us so scoot closer together while we stare deeply into each other’s eyes.
I am both doubtful and fearful regarding where I am about to go – or perhaps not go. As much as I meant the “yes” answer that I so easily gave to Anton, I still do not trust my ability to be taken anywhere – it has never happened before, and my energies are still quite blocked. The less-doubtful-but-fearful part of me is quite nervous about the implications of what will happen if I am actually taken somewhere.
As Anton attempts to guide me deep into the energies, I feel as stuck as ever. Yes, I feel a very pleasurable-but-mild flow of energy passing through my body, but I find it difficult to keep up with Anton’s attempts to get me to visualize colors and energy balls, both his and mine interacting with each other. I feel as if Anton is rushing me and pushing me, not giving me adequate time to internally visualize one thing before attempting to direct me into another. I want to deeply believe that Anton might be capable of guiding me into the same energy that he finds it so easy to experience, yet his methods are simply not working for me while I simultaneously sense a very full porch filled with eyes, all staring in my direction.
Keith soon joins in on the coaching, asking me to visualize energy coming from Mother Earth, entering through my root chakra, rising up through my body, leaving my crown chakra, looping up into the heavens and back into the earth below me, and then back into my root chakra – all in one continuous circular flow.
Again, I feel stuck. After nearly an hour of what turns out to feel like a very intimate energy sharing experience, I feel disappointed and unimpressed by the weak energy flow that I was able to achieve.
Two Possible Truths
“Something is definitely wrong with me.” Part of me grumbles silently. “So many other people seem to easily feel and share the powerful energy flowing through Anton. I really should be wearing the dunce cap in the back corner of the classroom.”
A different part of me – a part that is much more awake and aware – simply ignores the silly feelings of disappointment and defectiveness. My process today has clearly revealed that I continue to deal with deeply repressed second chakra issues – both in the areas of sexuality and creativity. As much as I want to heal these areas of my life, I am still completely incapable of fully allowing and embracing male energies into my life.
It is time to face these deeper issues head on.
The Flow Continues
So far, the entire week seems to have been beautifully choreographed for my personal healing. It is no surprise to me that Monday morning continues in perfect fashion. On this final morning of February, I had already previously scheduled a private appointment with Keith – an appointment that had been in the books for several days – an appointment that I made on a mere whim, having had no idea why I needed it, just knowing that I did.
I ask Rae to join me. As the two of us take an early morning stroll out toward Keith’s magical porch, I already know that I will be digging as far as possible into my deeply rooted issues of repressed sexuality and rejection of masculine energies.
Diving Platforms
“I have a very confusing energy that has been presenting itself for over two years now.” I inform Keith as the strange metaphor once again presents itself early during the private session.
“I have a flat horizontal line of energy that feels as if it is pushing quite firmly right against the bridge of my nose.” I continue. “Can you help me understand how it might be related to the repression of my sexual energies?”
Keith guides me deeper into meditation, asking me to climb up into my nose and to sit down with the energy, telling him what it is I feel or see.
“This is quite crazy,” I tell Keith, “but what comes to mind is the large cliff-diving platform on the far side of the hill at the west end of San Marcos.”
As Keith and I explore the metaphor further, I realize that since this platform is situated right at the bridge of my nose, it is in a perfect place for my third-eye chakra to step right out of my forehead and to take a flying jump right into the depths of my second chakra – a chakra that is now unexpectedly churning with cramps and gas in a mildly-painful and quite physical way.
I intuitively feel that the shutdown of the magic in my head is directly connected to the shutdown of my creativity and sexuality.
Bottomless Pit
“Let’s go down there and explore what is happening in your second chakra.” Keith guides me as we literally jump from one metaphor to the next.
Sitting with eyes closed in meditation, I again visualize a metaphor which has now been coming to me quite frequently. I find myself standing at the edge of what I know to be a very large bottomless pit.
As I imagine the depths below, visualizing the darkness into which light is unable to penetrate, a deep sense of overriding fear completely overwhelms my body.
“I know I need to go down there.” I tell Keith with a sense of frightened confusion. “I desperately want to go down there, but I don’t think I can do it. Something inside of me will not allow me to even try.”
Light tears trickle down my cheeks as I contemplate the profound intensity of the fear that is now blocking my progress, causing me to tremble at the mere thought.
Angelic Assistants
“Go find your little inner child and take her hand.” Keith surprises me by taking the meditation into a new direction.
“Grab two lawn chairs and go sit down with your little girl at the edge of that pit.” Keith continues coaching me. “Invite your Higher Self to join you, having her stand behind or beside you.”
Keith then guides me in asking my Higher Self to organize a large work crew of angels to come with shovels and buckets. As soon as I intuitively sense that they are all assembled, I ask them all to work under the guidance of my Higher Self, using their shovels and buckets to begin cleaning up the fears and emotional densities in this bottomless pit as directed by my own higher energies.
To my surprise, as I use the meditative process to carry out Keith’s instructions, I feel a great deal of peace beginning to flow in my body. I literally feel as if an angelic crew is actually performing energetic tasks within my body – tasks surrounded by so much terrifying fear that I simply could not perform them without some type of higher assistance.
Deep gratitude fills my soul as I spend the remainder of my private session basking in the active energies of this ongoing excavation project. To my surprise, I shed very few tears, and instead simply sunbathe in the wonderment of what happens when I merely ask higher energies to help perform tasks – tasks that are ready to be done – but tasks that I am quite incapable of performing by myself.
A Second Try
During the Monday afternoon session, I again do considerable work with Anton, assisting him in remaining quite conscious while he explores his amazing gifts with energy. In fact, he is becoming quite proficient at remaining present and coherent while at the same time channeling a large flow of energy through his body.
As the last hour of session begins, I find myself sitting in a large green camping chair when Anton makes his way over to my seat.
“Would you like me to give it another go?” Anton asks lovingly, indicating that he would like to help me in another attempt to meditate deeper into the energies.
Before I have time to concern myself with appearances, Anton has placed a couple of foam pads between my feet and is kneeling on the ground between my knees, holding my hands in his while resting his arms on my thighs.
The position is conspicuously intimate. The old me would have been terrified, making a quick attempt to avoid the appearance of anything that someone may deem as inappropriate – but the new me simply closes my eyes and surrenders, ignoring what anyone else may think, quickly immersing myself into the meditative guidance that begins flowing from Anton’s mouth.
I am quite enjoying the experience.
Glass Balls and Tiny Crystals
Anton soon guides me into a powerful meditation – a meditation in which I find myself inside of a large glass ball that is filled with hundreds of thousands of little tiny quartz crystals, each of which is highly energized with energy.
As I imagine myself rolling around in the amazing crystal playground, my whole body begins to tingle with mild, pleasurable energy. While I regretfully remain firmly anchored in physical reality, I have definitely found a new favorite meditation – one that I hope will continue to bring such amazing energy.
Daunting Dinner
As the final group in February winds down to its final seconds, Anton smiles at me and asks if I would like to go to dinner with him.
“I would love to.” I eagerly reply, while at the same time recognizing that I have a daunting task ahead.
While I barely know Anton, it seems obvious that the Universe has brought us together in an undeniably synchronous way. Part of me wonders if perhaps Anton might be someone with whom I might be interested in sharing a relationship. That same part of me also knows that I could never initiate the possibility of such a journey without Anton being aware of my story.
Sharing my transgender journey has been extremely easy as of late – something I casually do whenever internal guidance gives me the intuitive signals – but sharing my story with a man who might be interested in me in other ways has always dredged up huge fears.
And The Word Is …
Soon after Anton and I begin talking in the local Japanese restaurant, Keith walks in with Rae. Somehow, Keith had latched onto the idea that he and Rae were going to join us for dinner.
“Oh, goody,” Keith approaches with a big smile, “you saved us seats.”
“Uh, Keith,” I reply with a loving tone, “Anton and I would like a little privacy.”
I am quite proud of myself for being so confident in my words, and at the same time I believe that Keith was only toying with me, knowing full well the situation, and simply following the prevailing energy by giving me another opportunity to find my loving power.
Soon I am fully engaged in the daunting task of sharing my life story with Anton. Energetically, I already know that Anton will not have any emotional difficulties with my background, but nonetheless, the fears are present just the same.
As I receive the expected “yawn” at sharing my story, Anton and I begin to engage in more casual conversation. The topic quickly diverts to our respective life journeys.
Thirty minutes later, as I discuss the incredible synchronous healing path on which I find myself, I blurt out with confidence, “I am at a point in my exploration of male energies where I would love to have a safe opportunity to simply share energy with a man.”
Anton’s face lights up with a grin as he interrupts, reaches into his back pocket, and begins to speak.
“Do you remember last Friday when I told you that I had written a word and placed it in my back pocket?” Anton begins. “Well, here is the word.”
My jaw drops with astonishment as I stare at the word. In my hand I hold a small scrap of paper on which is scribbled, in bold upper case letters, the word “SAFE.”
An Unexpected Invitation
After a few more minutes of deep sharing, Anton again catches me off guard with his next question.
“Would you like to spend the night with me?” He asks with a loving peaceful smile.
“Yes, I would love that,” I reply back with a giggle. “But I am not interested in sex, simply safe and energetic cuddling.”
As Anton and I soon leave the restaurant, I spy Rae sitting by herself at a nearby table. Keith has momentarily wandered to another table to speak with friends.
“Don’t wait up for me tonight.” I whisper in her ear with a joyful, child-like grin. “I won’t be home until tomorrow.”
… To Be Continued …
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved