Brenda's Bicycles

The bed and walls begin to vibrate. It is a gentle shaking that lasts for ten to fifteen seconds. Having grown quite accustomed to the occasional tremor, I calmly glance at the time. It is 4:31 a.m. on Saturday morning, February 19. I later learn that the mild earthquake was only 4.4 on the Richter scale – not strong enough to cause any physical damage, but definitely carrying enough force to send an intuitive message – a message telling me that my world is about to be shaken up again, ever so slightly. 

At 5:30 a.m., as Rae and I scramble around in the kitchen while preparing an early morning breakfast, her large blue-glass bowl of oatmeal unexpectedly cracks and splits down the middle into two large pieces. As the oatmeal and fruit slowly ooze all over the counter, we glance at each other and begin to giggle with wonder and surprise. 

Then, as Rae turns on the faucet to do a little cleanup, an unpredictable and violent surge of water spurts out, ricocheting off a few dishes in the sink, sending splashes all over Rae’s clothes. Laughter again becomes uncontrollably contagious. 

While walking up a dark and narrow cobblestone path at 6:00 a.m., Rae and I again giggle with delight. We are on our way to meet up with Keith. The three of us are headed out on an all-day quest – a quest to purchase cacao beans, following which we will engage in a private chocolate ceremony in a hot spring near Xela. 

Excitement overflows my heart as Rae and I discuss our strange morning of shaking, cracking, and splashing. 

Left Brain Bumps 

By 8:00 a.m., Keith, Rae and I are walking through the narrow crowded aisles of a large outdoor city market. Over the next several hours, we load up on nuts, fruits and veggies – but our main prize is 477 pounds of cacao beans. 

These city wholesale markets are extremely crowded and chaotic, with people rushing to and fro, pushing assorted carts filled with merchandise or carrying heavy loads on their backs. In the midst of this hustle and bustle, I am momentarily distracted while talking to Rae.  

“Bam!”  

I am knocked slightly backward as something hard and solid crashes into the left corner of my forehead. As my left hand instinctively rushes upward to hold my wound and to check for blood, I glance around to my rear to see what hit me. I catch a glimpse of several men carrying large wooden crates on their shoulders, disappearing hurriedly into the distance behind me. The men are completely oblivious regarding my plight, simply rushing away to sell their wares. 

Seeing no blood on my hand, I look to Rae and Keith for a quick confirmation that no gaping wounds exist anywhere in my skull. Within a minute or two, however, a large and painful swollen bump forms at the sight of impact. 

“Hmmmm,” I giggle out loud as I react pleasantly to the unexpected jolt. “My world is being shaken up yet again – this time on my left forehead. I think the Universe is telling me that it is time to let go of a little more of my logical left-brain focus – to get out of intellect and rational mind – to more fully immerse myself in the wonders of right brain creativity and presence.” 

Quantum Fizz-ics 

By early afternoon, our shopping and errands are complete, and Keith, Rae, and I have made our way to the town of Almolonga, less than half an hour from Xela. I am now quite familiar with this little hot spring hideaway– the same place where Keith and I visited in December when I had an amazing energy experience while meditating in the pool. But I am also quite aware that these same waters were home to very painful and difficult emotionally-intense anger-filled growth in late January. 

My heart tells me that today’s experience will be more gentle, but every bit as profound. 

After drinking a half dose of chocolate, Keith, Rae and I spend our first half hour engaged in intermittent chanting, vocal toning, and silent meditation. Gradually, my solar plexus begins to shake with pain – the same pain that so prominently dominated the earlier portion of my week. 

“Brenda, bring in the light.” Keith begins to coach me. “Allow the light to show you what it would do with this density. Allow the light to do the work for you.” 

“But how do I DO that?” I ask Keith with frustration after trying for a few unsuccessful minutes on my own. 

“Even as I attempt to allow the light to help me, I feel like I am trying to DO something rather than simply allowing.” I exclaim to Keith with emotion. “My rational mind will not let go. Can you please give me some type of visual or metaphor that might help me?” 

“Imagine the density turning into little bubbles.” Keith responds without any delay. “Visualize that the light is carrying the bubbles away for transmutation.” 

I find the new metaphor to be a delightful distraction for rational mind. Gradually, as I allow my mind to pretend that the emotional densities are all transforming into bubbles, I actually begin to feel a very real and distinct powerful physical sensation. I literally feel bubbles forming in my abdomen. The bubbles first move slowly to the base of my spine. Then they gradually float upward, ending in my upper back, right between the shoulder blades. As the bubbles approach the bottom of my neck, they simply vanish. 

The entire process is quite pleasurable, taking me deep into present-moment wonders while I silently observe the continuous and ongoing journey of enchanting tingling energy. 

“Just keep watching and allowing,” Keith coaches me. “Simply immerse yourself in the flow of your own being.” 

After more than thirty magical minutes of bubbling presence, the fizzy wonders begin to migrate into my shoulders, spreading lightness throughout the region. I comment to Keith that I am beginning to feel slight pains in my collar bones. Intuitively, I see these pains themselves as being more emotional density that needs to be transmuted, and I begin to expand the bubble metaphor to include this new area of blockage. Soon I begin to feel bubbles forming in and around my collar bone as well. 

To my delight, after a long, slow, and pleasurable process, the bubbles finally begin to flow up through my neck, giving me the sensation of tingling throughout the center of my head. 

“Can it really be this easy to process emotional densities?” I think while immersing myself into the bubbly joy. 

A part of me loudly cheers, “YES, it can be this easy, and it can be fun too!” 

Another silent part of me grumbles silently in the background, remaining hidden while quietly pouting, “NO, I think it is more powerful when I can cry out my emotions with tears, giving them a proper expression and release. Something as easy and fun as bubbles cannot possibly be as effective as the trauma-drama approach.” 

My journey with this silent pouting partner is buried so deeply that it will not surface for days to come. 

Wave Theory 

After what must be more than an hour of fizzy fancies, the bubbles gradually fizzle into nothingness. My once-painful abdomen is now filled with pleasurable peace. I want nothing more than to simply melt into the water around me while meditating deeper and deeper as Keith begins to work with Rae. 

After a while, I feel another layer of painful density beginning to surface in my abdomen – another round of hurting emotions begging to be released in the fun way. 

“Just let the energies show you what to do.” Keith encourages me again before returning to work with Rae. 

After a period of silent meditation, I begin to feel myself being pulled lightly from side to side. As I breathe, I feel as if I am sitting in a waist-deep pool of ocean water with periodic waves entering the pool, gently pulling me physically back and forth. 

“This is a rare but very real energy experience.” Keith informs me after I describe my unusual sensations. “The universal energies are pulling you back and forth like waves, helping to transmute and to release energy, with the energy currents carrying away energies that are no longer necessary for your path.” 

With Keith’s powerful confirmation and encouragement, I simply allow myself to further surrender to what is happening inside of me. 

Making no conscious attempt to move or to restrict movement, I soon find myself being tossed more intensely from side to side in the pool. Repeatedly, I find it necessary to brace myself to maintain balance as I begin to fall into the wall on my right side or as I bump into Rae’s knee on my left. 

From time to time I open my eyes, just to check if there might really be actual waves in the pool. Each time, to my surprise, the pool waters continue to remain completely calm and flat. 

As I glance downward, I take note that my own abdomen is moving back and forth, not under my conscious control. The real wave-like energies pull my abdomen, continuously knocking me off balance as I surrender further to the sensation of sitting in shallow ocean currents. 

While fully engulfed in the wonder of this new experience, I take note that all of the painful densities that I feel on my body are on my right side, giving me the intuitive sense that the emotions I am releasing are all related to left-brained intellectual blockages. 

Throughout the experience, as bizarre as it seems to rational mind, I can say one thing with absolute rational certainty. I am absolutely NOT causing the wave movements myself. Yes, they are definitely happening through my physical body, but conscious logical mind is definitely not in charge. 

As with the bubbles, my ocean wave experience continues for at least another hour. As the process eventually ends, the second round of painful emotional density has completely vanished. I feel rejuvenated and alive, filled with energy, love, and peace. 

Later that evening, during our long drive back to San Marcos, I joke with Keith about the title of my writing regarding these experiences. The name “Quantum Fizz-ics and Wave Theory” sends giggles through my soul. 

Cuddle Flashbacks 

Later that night, Rae and I rest on the daybed in our living room, discussing our amazing day while sharing cuddle therapy and higher-dimensional energies. Were it not for the fact that I find it physically impossible to sleep while touching another person, I might have dozed off and spent the night simply cuddling and sharing energy with my dear friend.

In the midst of this late-evening rest, I begin to recognize just how deep and powerful my energy sensitivities actually are. Many memories flash into my awareness – awkward memories of occasionally sharing a bed with parents when I was tiny – memories of trying to sleep in a shared bed during my marriage – memories of rarely if ever being able to get any type of restful sleep while immersed in the energy field of another living being (unless, of course, I used some type of sleeping pill.) 

Finally, at 1:00 a.m., after giving up on all attempts to surrender to sleep, I drag myself into my bedroom and quickly drift of to a peaceful dreamland. 

Pushing the River 

Sunday’s ceremony has a great turnout, with twenty-six people crowding the magical porch. Because I am deeply centered and filled with balanced loving energy, Keith puts me to work quickly doing what I love – sharing unconditionally loving heart-energy with others. 

Keith first asks me to go work with a woman over in the corner. I later learn that her name is Lisa. As Lisa goes through a gradual process of quiet emotional release, I simply hold space for her, sending her loving energy through her hands and feet, providing her a safe space in which to do her work. When my time with Lisa is complete, I follow my energy wherever it takes me in the group, moving slowly from one person to another, working with whomever my heart tells me could use a boost of unconditional love and support in their own process. 

While I am working with one beautiful young woman, I note that Rae is beginning to access some deep anger on the other side of the porch. I feel her anger; I understand her anger; I want so deeply to assist her in bringing it to the surface, in helping her to push right through this deep emotional process – yet I am busy helping someone else. 

I watch in quiet frustration as Keith also continues working with someone else. I see him glance in Rae’s direction, being fully aware of her emotion, but also obviously ignoring my dear friend. 

At my first opportunity, I pop over to Rae’s side and begin to pump her full of unconditionally loving energy, verbally encouraging her to let the emotions come up and out. Rae vacillates back and forth, never quite reaching the point to which I desire to push her. Frustration again fills my heart as I watch Keith completely ignore Rae’s bubbling emotion. 

It is only later, in a follow-up conversation with Rae that I realize what I was doing. In my quest to be a healer, I took it upon myself to push Rae into a process – a process to which she was still resistant – a process into which she was not quite ready to venture. Keith was fully aware of everything and followed his own guidance, trusting that everything was exactly as it needed to be, that his job was elsewhere on the porch. I, on the other hand, was impatient and wanted to force a healing. 

Keith often talks about attempting to “push the river” rather than “following the universal flow of the river.” 

By evening I realize that I have a problem with trust – that I deeply want to help others, but that I do not yet fully trust the flow of universal energies – that I am still occasionally trying to push the river rather than follow it. 

Crybaby Complexities 

While Keith is ignoring Rae’s emotional buildup, he busily works with a woman that I will call Debra (not her real name). Over the last couple of weeks I have observed Debra in a few groups. I have been frustrated with myself as I have occasionally felt judgment toward Debra – judgment regarding what I perceive as inappropriate behavior – judgment for what I see as manipulative attempts to use dramatic emotional release to draw Keith’s attention, often interrupting the work of others with her own attention-getting outbursts. 

In group today, Keith seems to be giving Debra what I perceive as an excessive amount of undeserved attention, causing me to further judge and project onto both Keith and Debra. (It is only as I write about this experience, more than five weeks after the fact, that I can clearly see the deep synchronous wisdom in how Keith’s behavior profoundly assisted me in the flow of my own healing river.) 

Imagine my surprise when Keith asks me to leave Rae’s side to come over to help him work with Debra. As I sit behind Debra, holding and supporting her in loving space, I am deeply impressed as I watch Keith guide her into a profound past-life regression experience – a process that brings Debra great clarity and emotional release. Humility swells in my heart as I realize how judgmental I have been – how wrong I was in my feelings and perceptions. 

As the work continues, I begin to immerse myself into my own process – a previously unrecognized process that has already been going on for a week or two. I finally realize that I am deeply judgmental of people whom I perceive to be crybabies. 

“Don’t be a crybaby.” I hear my mother speak in the back of my mind as I picture myself as a young child, desperately attempting to defend myself with an outburst of tears. 

“Being a crybaby is very bad.” I hear another inner voice pipe in. “People should never cry to get sympathy and attention. I will never allow myself to stoop to such low and manipulative behavior.” 

I suddenly recognize the source of my judgments toward Debra. It is my own self-judgment being projected outward. I won’t allow myself to be a crybaby, so I judge others for doing what I myself cannot do. 

I desperately want to be a crybaby when I need to be – to give myself permission to simply let my emotions burst open, even in public – to quit having to be proper and respectful of others – to allow myself to interrupt and to cry when I desperately need to do so, without needing to worry about how those emotions may influence others – to demand the personal attention that I so desperately crave in my own healing journey. 

Yes, a great deal of my intuitive magic was squelched and suppressed during the childhood process in which I was forced to be serious and structured – forced to conform and to obey – scolded and punished for any emotional outburst of protest, for any behavior that labeled me as a crybaby. 

Crybaby Surrender 

As my insights deepen, I realize that it is time for me to fully immerse myself in my own process – to allow myself to feel and to cry when I need to – to follow my own energy that tells me that right now is a time to take care of me. Quietly, I get up from behind Debra and go lay down on a large pillow, sinking into a feeling of sadness, allowing deeply suppressed emotions to bubble from the depths. 

I cry a little and pout a little as I simply curl up in my emotional process. It is not long before Keith is at my side, listening to a tear-filled explanation regarding my new insights. 

“Bring in the light and allow it to take something that will make things easier for you.” Keith lovingly coaches me. 

Again, the concept of trying to do something causes my rational mind to jump in with confused resistance. When I ask Keith for assistance with another metaphor to occupy my mind, he amazes me with another round of inspiration. 

“Lie down in a river of energy.” Keith begins. “With your head upstream, allow the river of energy to sweep by you and through you, taking unneeded parts of your own energy with it.” 

I remain quiet, happy and connected to my heart as I envision the river of energy fully engulfing my body. The meditative experience is peaceful, filling my heart with love and gratitude. 

Yet a part of me is strangely restless, rebellious, and feeling quite annoyed. This part of me – the same part that remained hidden in the hot spring on Saturday – silently demands the satisfaction of a good cry, telling me angrily that Keith is denying me that opportunity. This unexpressed part of me remains totally convinced that pleasant, non-dramatic forms of energy release and transmutation are not functional. 

This buried energy in my soul seems to actually enjoy being a crybaby victim, and is feeling quite pissed off that such an opportunity is being denied. I quietly push that buried and angry energy back down, not yet fully understanding just how strong it is. 

Unexpected Surprise 

Shortly before group ends, Lisa (the same woman I worked with at the beginning of group) comes over to give me a hug, telling me that she has just started the new Moon Course at the pyramids and needs to leave early to go to meditation. 

“Brenda,” Lisa then shocks me with a surprise revelation, “I have been reading your blog for almost a year now. You are the reason that I am here in San Marcos. I was really hoping that I would get to meet you here on Keith’s porch today. I was so happy when Keith sent you over to work on me. I would love to get together some time for lunch and conversation.” 

How cool is that? 

As I walk home on Sunday evening, peaceful and loving energy consumes my soul. After dinner, Rae and I play a fun “spiritual transformation” game that we borrowed from Keith, following which we again engage in our own form of cuddle therapy until midnight. 

Have I said yet how much I love cuddling? 

Bottomless Pit 

At the beginning of group on Monday, I share details with Keith regarding my current insights on crybaby energy, thoughts about being in the flow versus pushing the river, and my ongoing God/Separation drama – also telling him how I continue to find myself projecting anger and blame. 

Almost immediately, Keith puts me right to work, asking me to delve deeper into self-discovery. 

“Brenda,” Keith begins, “hold your hands out in front of you, and imagine that in your right hand you hold your God/separation drama, your victimization, your failures, your need to push and/or control, and your doubts. In the left hand, visualize your true self, being connected to Source, living in the flow of your Higher Self.” 

“Now, take a journey deep into your right hand,” Keith guides me. “Go deep into all of that dysfunction.” 

As I focus on meditation, I feel as if I am climbing down a steep wooden ladder into a very dark, dimly-lit, vertical cavern. While resting briefly on a narrow ledge, I begin to feel a sensation in my stomach, as if I were kicked violently in the gut. Fears begin to consume me as tears stream down my cheeks. Rather than stifling the tears, I allow my emotions to surface. I feel them deeply – to my core. 

After a brief rest, I climb further down my ladder, deeper into the cavern, finding yet another ledge, this one being pitch black with no light whatsoever. Almost immediately, I experience the thought and emotional sensation of my bank accounts being completely empty – of having no financial resources whatsoever. 

“Go down deeper.” Keith guides me. 

“I feel like I am just creating pain and panic by going down here.” I tell Keith. “I know that none of this is real. I know that I am being profoundly guided on my spiritual path and that there is nothing here for me to worry about – that I will be provided for in my journey.” 

“Just trust me.” Keith responds. “We are only exploring the contents of your right hand. Allow yourself to feel all of the pain and the fear. Allow yourself to experience your dysfunctional thoughts and beliefs to the very core.” 

I again visualize myself climbing down yet another ladder, stopping at another ledge. At this spot, I profoundly feel as if I have just lost all of the love and respect of both family and friends. I am now homeless, penniless, and am a huge burden to everyone I love. 

“I feel as if I am finally at the bottom of my pit now.” I tell Keith. 

“Go down another level.” Keith insists. “Rip up the floorboards, open a trap door, or do something else, but find a way to go down even deeper.” 

After a brief search of the pitch black cave, my intuitions finally locate another ladder. As I begin to again step downward, a powerful sensation sends chills through my spine, whispering “There is no bottom where you are going – you will never get out of this dark and cold bottomless pit” 

Diving Deeper 

Suddenly the ladder disappears and I feel as if I am scuba diving in the famous blue hole off the coast of Belize. I am already 150 feet below the surface, dropping in the dark waters like a rock, being completely out of air with no hope of ever returning to the sunlight above. Again, I experience the strong physical sensation of being painfully kicked in the gut. 

Eventually, as I drift deeper and deeper, I feel as if I have arrived at some type of bottom. To my utter surprise, I momentarily experience a very peaceful sensation. 

“Am I scamming myself?” I ponder quietly. “How can I be so peaceful in such a hopeless scenario?” 

But the feeling of peace is short lived as I quickly sink into fear. Reality as I know it seems to disappear around me as I begin to deeply ponder my existence, who I am, and what I am. 

“I know this is all a lie.” I exclaim to Keith as I attempt to verbalize my meditative journey. “I know none of this is true – that this is only a dramatization of the fears that follow me around in the shadows.” 

“Brenda, we are not searching for the truth here,” Keith reminds me with love. “Your true connection with source is represented by your left hand. Right now, we are following the dysfunction in your right hand, going all the way to the very bottom.” 

“Now find another way to go even deeper.” Keith guides me yet again. 

To my surprise, a stone staircase opens up nearby. The dark stone walls spiral down in front of me, disappearing around the next bend. Periodic candles placed in small alcoves provide just enough glow for me to see the next few steps. 

As I continue downward into the depths below, I eventually reach a state where my feet can step no further. I suddenly feel as if I am suspended in nothingness, simply floating, suspended in mid air with no hope of ever leaving what now feels like a hopeless graveyard. 

Intense anger begins to course through my veins. I am angry at God for allowing me to go all the way to the bottom of this ruinous path of self-destruction without rescuing me, seemingly guiding me deeper and deeper while leaving me penniless, friendless, bookless, and Godless. I am a total failure, being deeply angry that God did not guide me into the blessings that I know were supposed to be mine. 

Bulging Unbearable Pain 

As I visualize myself floating in nothingness, I notice that my abdomen is again extremely painful. But the pain is not just a part of my meditation; it is a real physical sensation. My entire belly is bloated and swollen, ranging from the pubic bone all the way to the base of my rib cage. The swelling and tightness are so painful and intense that I can hardly breathe without crying.

“Please help me Keith.” I fearfully beg. “I am not sure if I can handle this much bloating and pain. I don’t know what to do.” 

“Now that you are at the bottom of your journey,” Keith casually responds, “having recognized your fears and anger towards God, it is time to bring in the light to help you transmute these dense energies.” 

For several minutes I struggle in vain while asking the light to help me. I attempt many different meditation techniques, many of which have worked for me in the past, but nothing seems to bring relief. As usual, these energies cannot be manipulated using formulas. 

Then, remembering my “Quantum Fizz-ics and Wave Theory” experiences in Xela, I attempt to visualize the painful density transforming into tiny fizzy bubbles. When that technique also fails miserably, I attempt to imagine ocean waves pulsing through my body, carrying away the painful emotions. Again, I come up empty, simply encountering an energetic dead end. Nothing I do seems to bring any relief from the intense physical pain. 

“Burst open some windows in your abdomen.” Keith coaches me with more confusing words. “Ask the light to help you and then simply watch it help.” 

Trusting Keith’s advice implicitly, I give my efforts another valiant try. Between random outbursts of intense and agonizing tears, I continue to focus on joyfully bringing in the light, visualizing the light passing through hundreds of imaginary windows – windows that are now wide open. 

The process takes nearly thirty minutes, but the pain and swelling gradually dissolve, slowly disappearing into nothingness. As I finally allow myself to again lie down on a large pillow, my tummy is pain-free and totally relaxed. 

I find it difficult, if not impossible, to explain what has just occurred. Rational mind is clueless as to what just happened, but I intuitively recognize that I have experienced the results of a few of my worst nightmares – physically experiencing the deep emotions, the fears, and the anxieties – then allowing those panic-filled emotions to be lovingly transmuted and carried away by the light. 

Light versus Tears 

As I enter the final week of February, I find myself waffling between two seeming truths. Over the past several days I have experienced my share of tears, but I have also begun to more profoundly understand the possibilities surrounding the transmutation of emotional densities using fun and imaginative energy journeys into the light. 

I know that the emotional densities I continue to carry around with me are my most profound teachers. I believe that I chose my own difficult journey prior to being born into this lifetime – that I and my Higher Self designed this growth path as part of my educational process – an intense healing process that could not possibly be learned simply by reading a book. 

I also believe with all of my heart that the healing process cannot be short-circuited – that I must feel and understand every growth lesson before the underlying energies can be transmuted by the light. 

In the past decade, I have experienced profound and powerful healing through the process of emotional release, most of which has been greatly facilitated through various experiential processes involving tearful emotional expression. 

I deeply trust these powerful methods of emotional catharsis and healing – of releasing and healing emotion by re-experiencing the pain of a past journey – doing so in the here and now, and then energetically remolding those past experiences using the magic of a present-day unconditionally-loving perspective. By doing so, I have literally changed my perceptions of the past, magically pulling that healing forward into my present day life. 

But in the unfolding of my past healing journey, I have locked myself into the belief system dictating that in order for the healing to be effective, a great deal of tears must first be shed. 

Keith has helped me to have a magical taste of releasing painful emotions (after having felt them) through the use of higher energies. I will never forget the sensation of feeling fizzy little bubbles trickle delightfully up my spine. I will always remember how it felt to be physically moved by imaginary ocean waves while emotional densities magically disappeared into the receding waves. And how could I ever deny the feeling of being bloated and swollen with intense pain, only to have that pain gradually dissolve away in the light as I simply opened the windows and sunbathed in loving energies. 

As Monday, February 21, trickles away into the history books I am still slightly confused. With all of my heart I know and understand the healing power of tearful release, but I have now been given profound examples of doing the same without tears. Yes, I still had to personally and deeply feel the pain, but tears were not necessary to release it. 

Part of me still wants to pout – continuing to insist that tears are the faster, more powerful, more satisfying way to purge the dense emotions. 

Nevertheless, my new adventures into Quantum Fizz-ics and Wave Theory force me to keep a curious and open mind – to continue delving deeper into the wonders of right-brain connections to my Source. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved