(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Saturday, September 4 – 7:30 p.m.
This week has been quite the emotional roller coaster ride – a journey to the stars and back again. The ride was complete with steep drop-offs, violent emotional curves, slow climbs back to the top, and wonderful results. But that is a very long story, and I am tired tonight I’ll write about it tomorrow when I have the whole day to catch up a little.
The weather has been the other big story for the past few days. Beginning Thursday afternoon, thick heavy clouds began to dump on us. The skies poured buckets pretty much nonstop until earlier this morning (Saturday). Today we have had scattered showers that finally fizzled during the afternoon. Now all is calm, but quite cold.
A check of the weather maps shows that we picked up the lower edge of a large unnamed almost-tropical storm that is now making its way up the coast of Mexico. The long continuous pounding we received reminded me very much of Tropical Storm Agatha, just over three months ago. I do not know details, but as I understand it, many local roads are again covered with mud slides, making travel quite difficult, if not impossible. The infrastructure here is extremely fragile.
I spent an hour this afternoon surveying the damage here in town. There were no visible signs of severe flooding, but I was quite surprised to see that another huge section of the river channel’s wall (about twelve feet tall and nearly 50 yards long) has caved in. This is a man-made channel constructed with huge bundles of loose rock, held together by chain link fencing material.
It appears that the flash-flood-like rush of water undermined the stability of the huge wall, causing it to topple. The river went around the back side of the collapsed wall, and carved away about ten more feet of the hillside below a series of humble homes. If any more heavy rains come crashing down this channel, this area will probably clog up and cause much more flooding in the center of town.
Out of curiosity, I walked back down to the lake to take another visual on the water level. It appears that the surface of Lake Atitlan is at least a foot higher than it was on Thursday when I last checked. It amazes me how so much water can come down in such a short time. Just Thursday morning, many local workers proudly finished off a new temporary dock (on top of the now-submersed old one) that was about three feet above the water’s surface. Now the new dock is less than two feet above the waves. With the way Lake Atitlan continues to swell, I am guessing this new boat dock will be under water in a couple of weeks …
Sunday, September 5 – 2:15 p.m.
Wow – and I thought the emotional roller coaster ride was over. Yesterday, I was lulled into a feeling of security by a joyful, peaceful section of the up-and-down ride of life, but this morning, just after 7:00 a.m,, my little wild ride climbed up another hill and was back off to the races.
But I suppose I should start at the beginning.
PLEASE – IF YOU READ ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WRITING, PLEASE READ THESE NEXT THREE PARAGRAPHS FIRST. DON’T SKIP THEM.
I want to preface everything I say here with the fact that I love my experiences here at the Pyramids, I love Chaty, and I love the staff members – every single one of them. As you read, please remember that I am discussing a personal emotional journey that nearly caused my roller coaster car to crash. As much as I have wanted to point fingers this week, I have always continued to know that I was creating the issues inside of me – projecting my beliefs outward, trying to place blame onto others.
I write what I write here to record and to illustrate my growth process. The negative emotions and judgments that I express in this writing are the feelings that I experienced during this process – but those feelings are now resolved in a beautiful and peaceful way. Everything was inside of me – no one outside of me did anything wrong.
I still believe that the world is a stage, and that everyone is playing their part. I fully recognize that in the events of this past week, everyone around me has been brilliantly “in character” – playing their roles perfectly.
When all of the dust finally clears, I fully expect to be grateful for everything that has taken place – everyone around me has helped to create a situation that would cause me to face more internal demons – to go through more healing and refinement – to have my own Ego slap me right across the face.
Monday morning, I made an innocent request – at least I thought it was innocent. Chaty was out of town for a few days, and one of our beautiful staff members was filling in. As class was winding down, I spoke up (yes we can talk in class) to ask about the possibility of having our exterior gates opened a little earlier in the morning. For security reasons the gates are locked at night, and have not been opened lately until right around 7:00 a.m.. It only seems reasonable that we should be free to be move about after the sun rises. Logically, no one is going to walk in and rob the place in broad daylight when people are beginning to stir.
Our teacher’s first response was “why don’t you talk to the staff in the office?” I smiled and replied “because I can’t talk.” She just smiled and said, “Oh Yeah. I forgot. I’ll talk to the staff about it and get back to you.”
Earlier that very morning, at 6:00 a.m., I had felt a deep desire to walk down to the lake to watch the sunrise – probably the first time that I have wanted to do so since starting the Sun Course. As I stopped at the gate, I was slightly frustrated that I was unable to get out. I stuffed down my frustration, accepted that I could not leave, and instead enjoyed a beautiful hour sitting on a chair under a tree. Nature was beautiful, the morning extremely refreshing.
As Tuesday morning rolled around, I again felt a strong desire to walk down to the lake at 6:00 a.m., but as usual, the gate was locked. Since Chaty was still out of town, I asked another beautiful substitute teacher about the same issue.
She was very loving and kind in her response, but one thing she said caught me off guard. As she indicated that the staff was still discussing what to do, she mentioned that the office staff told her that I have already been given keys to the gates. (It is a very long story, but the office is very protective about giving out keys, because the lock on the gate is welded to the gate itself, and is impossible to change without great expense. If keys are lost and get into the wrong hands, the staff will have to spend lots of money to resolve the issue).
Immediately upon hearing the staff’s subtle accusation that I already have a key, my hair bristled on the back of my neck, and I told our teacher firmly but lovingly (with a smile on my face) that the staff is mistaken – that I have never been given any gate keys. I acknowledged that we had talked about it once when the gate was first installed, and the staff agreed that it would be a good idea for me to have keys since my room is right by the gate – but that short discussion was the last I ever heard about the situation.
Our teacher seemed to believe me that I have no key – that none of us in the Sun Course have a key – and calmly said to not worry about it. She would report back to the staff and they would figure out what to do to resolve the issue.
My heart was fully satisfied, but as I sat in my room after class, my Ego began to chatter away – demanding that I defend my honor – demanding that I prove that I am innocent and that the staff is to blame, blame, blame. (Ego was quite agitated.)
Today, as I look back at last Tuesday, I now believe that this situation triggered many buried emotions from my past – emotions from situations where I had felt wrongly misjudged and unable to defend my character. I was totally shocked by how strongly these present-day emotions surged in my abdomen, but I managed to keep them fully in check, never once expressing them outwardly.
In my heart, there was absolutely no doubt that the situation would all work itself out, and that I need not get upset, so I calmly pushed the feelings back down – stuffing them in a corner, refusing to give them air to breathe.
(I know, I know – I have said it a thousand times. Never push your emotions down and bury them – they will always rise up to bite you – or they will poison you with future stress and dysfunction.)
For the most part I was just fine – trusting that all was OK – that there was no reason whatsoever to feel as if I needed to defend myself.
But later that afternoon, I opened another can of worms. I was walking near the office and saw our beautiful teacher from Monday’s class, sitting with the staff member in charge of the office. I walked over with a smile, whipped out my notebook, and asked (in writing) if they knew anything more about the gate key situation.
I was told that they were still working on what to do. Then the staff member filled me in with a few details, telling me that she had left keys with my name on them at the front desk, and that the ladies at the desk had assured her that I had come in to get the keys.
I again scribbled a note that the staff are mistaken, that I was never given any keys, and that I never picked them up.
Then I put my arms out with a question on my face, miming the question of “what I can do?”
The head staff member replied (in Spanish) “Look for the keys” (implying that I did indeed receive them, but just lost them, and was not taking responsibility.)
Again, stuffing my frustration, I lovingly wrote one last note, saying “I cannot look for that which I never had.”
Feeling extremely frustrated and miss-accused, I just smiled as a good little girl learning spiritual temperance would do. I rolled my eyes, dropped the issue, turned around, and walked back to my room.
But even still, I was feeling quite peaceful with those emotions being all pushed down and buried. I was going to take the high ground and just trust Spirit to resolve the whole situation in a very loving way.
Wednesday was my incredible, amazing experience with the Chocolate Shaman – an experience that dominated every moment of the day. No other feelings or emotions were even on the radar when I left Keith’s home on Wednesday evening. Likewise, I spent most of Thursday passionately writing about my amazing experience with Keith. I was on top of the world, loving the emotional high that I was experiencing.
But Thursday evening, after having finished posting my blog entry, and as I prepared to go to bed, Ego raced back up to the front of the line, started jumping vigorously up and down, and screamed in my face. “What about your honor. Those lying staff members are smearing your good name while they are covering up their own mistake.”
Again, being in a very spiritual place, and feeling exhausted from several sleep-deprived nights, I pushed the feelings aside, assuring myself that there was absolutely nothing to feel. Everything was just fine and would resolve itself.
Friday morning at 3:00 a.m., still feeling quite exhausted, I awoke early again to find Ego literally demanding my attention regarding this issue of my honor – with me needing to prove that I am right and that the staff is wrong.
Again, the insane strength of this gut-wrenching anger and feeling of victimization literally blindsided me. These feelings were not welcome. I did not relate to them. I did not want them in bed with me, and I again fought to push them out of the way – to bury them in a dark cave where they belonged.
But this time, the feelings would not go away – they festered, rotted, stunk, churned, boiled, and thrashed – refusing to leave me alone until I did something about them.
At my wits end, I finally got out of bed at 4:00 a.m. and wrote a beautiful loving two-page letter to the lady who had taught our Tuesday class – letting her know that for some strange reason, I am really emotionally struggling with the issue, and that I wanted to simply explain myself to her. I apologized to her for involving her in the issue, explaining that I didn’t know what else to do. I thanked her for the beautiful loving influence here at the Pyramids, and told her that I trusted that she would use my words in whatever way she felt prompted – but this would be the last time I ever mentioned the issues of gate keys.
As it turns out, Friday was the day we had buckets of rain pouring down for 24 hours, almost nonstop. I never once saw that teacher to give her my loving note. I felt much better after simply having written the note, and began to feel convinced that all would be well. I ended up deciding to simply slip the note into my small money purse – where it still sits undelivered, even now.
But something else happened on Friday. Chaty had been back for a few days, and was getting ready to teach us how to do channeling in the way she does it. As much as I love Chaty, I have never enjoyed being around the way that she channels. When Chaty channels the message of a being from the other side, she does it with force, speaking in a different language, often flipping her fingers up and down to move energy. It is amazing when she does it, and I can easily see that she is genuine and sincere – and that she is indeed passing along loving messages from the other side (she sometimes translates). But nevertheless, I always feel a little uneasy when she channels. Her style and my style are quite different. When I think of channeling, I think of the quiet spirit that flows through my right brain, passing through my fingers and onto my keyboard, or I think of conversations with friends where I have been deeply prompted to say something, or I think of the loving peaceful words of my dear friend Trish as she speaks in a normal conversational tone during a beautiful channeling session.
I didn’t want to learn Chaty’s way – and of course I was doing the Sun Course with an attitude – and just 36 hours earlier I had established a new and powerful “Declaration of Independence” during a session with the Chocolate Shaman – empowering myself to follow only my own heart, regardless of what some other respected teacher might say.
During the first 30 minutes of silent meditation in our Friday class, I began to feel angry. Emotions began to surge within me – emotions of rebellion – emotions of judgment – emotions of refusal – emotions of defensiveness and of standing my own ground.
Then I suddenly began to feel deep resentment toward Chaty. I started to silently judge her in many ugly critical ways – judging her teaching style, and her hands-off-and-minimal-feedback manner of leaving us on our own to figure out our own paths.
“I wonder if she even knows my name?” I silently felt victimized as I realized that I am not sure if I have ever heard her call me by name. We really do not have any interaction with Chaty outside of class, and while in class she rarely uses a name when talking to anyone.
During the last few minutes of meditation, I had worked myself into an intense feeling of resentment and victimization, nearly reaching the point of rage. Tears began to flow down my cheeks – but they were not the loving joyful tears that I am so used to shedding. Instead, these were tears of deep emotional pain.
Luckily, during this particular class, Chaty only asked us to go through all of the “Channeling steps” so that we could feel the energy build up. Then she instructed us to simply silently observe the feelings and thoughts that come to us.
I pretended to do as she told us, going through the motions, but continuing to hang onto my anger. It is well-known in my awareness that emotion is what brings power to the ritual activities in which we engage (prayer, mantras, etc…). I kept secretly hoping that nothing would materialize from the channeling world, because my angry emotions were intense, and I did not want to connect with any angry beings from the astral realms.
After class, I went straight to my room, fully realizing that something had to be done about these emotions. I knew without a doubt that now was the time to quit stuffing these poisonous feelings that continued to ferment within my soul. It was time to release them, to process them, to figure them out, and to then kiss them goodbye.
Even though I desperately wanted to point fingers at everyone else, I knew without any doubts that this is all an inside job. I simply felt helpless to pull myself out of the pain. I began to feel like an absolute fraud – a hypocrite – for not being able to live and follow my own guiding words – words which I write about so frequently. After all, my present issues seemed so silly and simple compared to the mountains of emotions that I have excavated during my lifetime.
Even though I knew the emotions were all based on silly beliefs and projections, the projector was stuck in the on position and just like Wednesday night, I could not find the off switch.
After a good venting of my emotions, I felt considerably better. The pressure buildup was released. I easily recognized that there was nothing to be upset about. Everything going on around me was oblivious to my pain – it was all simply in my own perceptions and belief systems. Friday was a great day. Peace was again restored.
Beautiful Channeling
Saturday morning, we had another channeling class. In this class, Chaty asked us to actually write down the things that come to us, telling us that in our next class she will want us to speak them out loud.
Having had a great morning meditation, but still feeling quite resistant to channeling, I began to go through the motions – right into the part where we were supposed to start receiving.
“I don’t want to do it this way.” I kept repeating over and over in my head. “This manner of channeling does not connect with me. I refuse to do it this way.”
Finally, I grabbed my notebook and began to write every word that flowed through me. At first, I felt as if the words were just me expressing my frustration. Quite soon, however, I realized that the words were flowing through me, not coming from me. I simply wrote fluidly as fast as I could write.
I suddenly figured out that the preparatory steps that Chaty had us do were simply to help us focus, to connect with our guides, and to breathe in such a way as to connect with our inner temple. From that point, I was free to express the messages that may or may not come using my own personality.
Here are those words that flowed through my soul. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I wrote many of these words. This is exactly what flowed through me. I only made a few minor punctuation changes.
* * * * *
I only “think” it does not work for me, but that is because I am extremely resistant. I don’t want to do this. It feels weird. It is real connection – but not in a way that resonates with my soul.
My way is different. My way is peaceful, quiet, relaxed, joyful, listening to ripples on the pond – not energy buildups and finger flipping.
Forget everything you know. Lower your defenses. Stop thinking you know this is wrong. Stop fighting, We can’t talk to you when you are fighting, resisting, refusing to embrace new methods with a loving heart.
Trust, try, bring love and pure intention to this method. If you don’t like it, that is OK, but you at least need to try it – to taste it with a joyful, open, attitude. Forget appearances, forget what others might think. Listen to truth, not fear of opinions or judgment.
We love you. We are here holding your hand. We are cheering for you. We are guiding you in every step. Yes, you have your own unique and beautiful way of connecting with Spirit, and you should never, never give it up, but you also need to open your mind. Try new things. Don’t worry about opinions of others. Stop resisting. Stop fighting. NOW is the time to embrace everything that occurs around you with pure love, pure peace, pure acceptance, pure gratitude – to wash your clothes of all that old resistance, that old judgment.
Free yourself of the chains that have been around you for lifetimes. Be yourself, be free. Now is the time. We love you. We have always been here for you and always will be. You have an incredibly huge support system in reaching the point to fulfill your mission, and it only gets stronger from here. You cannot fail – you will not fail. Failure is impossible. Failure is not in your vocabulary and there literally is no such thing.
You have amazing and beautiful things ahead of you – things which you could never possibly imagine with your current myopic viewpoints. You are perfect in your journey. Just keep blindly trusting your promptings, raising your vibrations, and living in each moment.
You need not concern yourself with the future – only the present. Keys and Angular Stones are all the future – fine and dandy to have them, but they are not the beautiful magical present. Live in the present – present – present – period; one moment – one precious moment at a time.
We will take care of the rest. We will arrange the synchronous details. You already know we have been doing this – but you don’t yet realize how much we do. Your awareness will continue to sharpen and you will gradually recognize that everything that happens around you is planned – not by chance.
Yes, your skirmish this week with Ego was our doing – an opportunity to look in the mirror at your huge Ego that still dominates certain areas of your growth – blocking you from further growth. The more you remove this Ego – the more you look into the mirror as if it is a treasure hunt rather than digging through shit, the more rapidly you will grow and develop your deep and rich intuitive abilities. You have great things ahead of you. Trust us – simply process the present moment with love and awakeness and you need do nothing more.
* * * * *
After writing the above, I felt as if I were done and returned back into meditation for about one minute. Then, this final little bit came flowing out before Chaty rang our closing bell – signaling that the time was up.
* * * * *
Are you ready for some more? You will be staying in San Marcos for some time, studying with Keith, honing your energy intuitions, learning to trust your instincts at an ever deepening level. You will develop very deep relationships with yourself and those around you. These relationships will add to your powers and abilities – wherever two or three are gathered is a powerful concept. The growth is even more intense when shared with others.
* * * * *
The rest of Saturday was a wonderful, peaceful, energy filled day. I felt joy in my heart as I practiced more internal energy work and simply allowed myself to be.
But then, this morning rolled around (Sunday morning). Again being wide awake at 6:00 a.m., I stepped outside thinking it would be wonderful to take a walk down to the lake.
Noticing that the gate was still locked, I thought to myself, “That is fine, I’ll just sit here till 7:00 a.m., and then I will go for a walk.
While sitting, I inhaled the beautiful present moment – watching a spider spin part of a beautiful spiral web, observing a furry black caterpillar walking up and down a tree trunk, listening to birds, watching butterflies, feeling the cool crisp morning air. It was all divine.
The best part is that a beautiful grey cat – a cat that has never given me the time of day – suddenly became my best friend. She jumped up on my lap and purred away like a little motor boat, sending peaceful vibrations throughout my tummy.
But as 7:30 a.m. rolled around, and the gate was still not open, that little Ego voice inside of me had begun getting quite noisy.
“Don’t they consider our feelings as we are locked in here?” Ego clamored for attention. “Doesn’t anyone around here care that I feel like a prisoner in my own home?”
I tried to peacefully ignore the voices, shocked that they were still around and kicking – having believed that they were resolved. Finally, at 7:40 a.m., as if to make a point, I grabbed my things and a small notebook and peacefully walked over to the house of the beautiful teacher from Monday’s class. Knocking quietly, I waited till she came to the door, still in her bathrobe.
I smiled and showed her a note that read: “I feel like a prisoner. Can someone please open the gates? Thanks.”
My words were written in loving phrases – but the emotion behind them reeked of frustration and building resentment.
As soon as I found a beautiful spot near the lake, I placed my mat on the ground, grabbed my notebook, and began to scribble away. I was angry at myself for not letting go of this issue – for repeatedly dredging it up almost every day. This morning, I was determined to get to the bottom of my emotions. I knew that there must be something much deeper that was being suppressed – something that needed to be opened up and examined.
Following is some of what I wrote in this deeply-probing self-analysis:
* * * * *
Why am I so obsessed with this issue? Why does my blood boil so hotly over the fact that the gates are locked? This morning I was so peaceful sitting in the garden until 7:30 a.m. when the gate was still locked.
“This is not right!!!” my Ego screamed. We are prisoners. Someone in charge needs to do their job!
Why is my wrath raised by this? I know it really doesn’t matter. I have an assumption that the gate should be open at 6:00 a.m. – Who made that rule? I think I did. I have an assumption that I should not have to ask someone to let me out. Who made that rule? I guess I did.
I have been quite passive – trying to have temperance, all the while silently judging how stupid this is – how insensitive everyone is to leave us locked in so late in the morning.
This issue has been a non-issue for a long time now. Why is it suddenly surfacing now? Who is my anger really aimed at? Perhaps at myself.
My honesty and integrity are being smeared by the staff. Or are they? I don’t know that. I only know what little snippets I have been told.
I do know that this is a beautiful opportunity to prove my God-like love – my temperance. “All the world is a stage” and everyone is playing their roles perfectly – driving me insane with their seeming indifference – causing me to feel even more angry.
How can anyone cause me to do anything ?… to feel anything?
They cannot. That is silly. That is not in their power. It is me – 100 % me – who has the power over my emotional feelings – period.
Why do I want to be right? … Why do I believe that everyone should be seeing things my way? Why do I have such an attachment to this issue? … to being right? … to making others wrong?
Is there any doubt that everything will work out in the end? NO. Is there any doubt that this whole situation is a setup (by the Universe)? NO. Is there any doubt that once I finish my healing that I will laugh at this situation and feel grateful? NO.
My anger is not at anyone else – it is ugly judgment and victimization – pure and simple – my own crap projected outward.
So how do I resolve this? What would I tell someone else?
First, scream and/or express all of the emotion in some safe, non-damaging way. Second, re-center myself spiritually, reconnecting with my divine self. Finally, re-write the perceptions of the situation. It is all in my perception – 100 % of it – so re-write those perceptions.
So what is stopping me from doing this? I think it is because I am in Ego right now, and Ego wants to be right. Ego does not want to give up control. Ego does not want to be rendered useless and wrong – and that is exactly what I want to do to it.
* * * * *
As I finally returned to my room, I promptly accessed my pent-up emotion and expressed it through sobs and pillow-punches.
Then, still feeling quite numb, I decided it was time to reconnect with Spirit so that I could have the inspiration to rewrite my perceptions. My heart said music was the answer, so I accessed my favorite healing music – a collection of songs from the healing workshops that changed my life beginning seven years ago.
After about an hour of singing along numbly to songs that always inspire me, I stumbled upon one that I had forgotten about – one that I first discovered last October while riding my bicycle around Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. It is a song titled “Close Your Eyes” performed by Michael and Jeff McLean. If you want to access the entire words to the song, you can check out my October 18, 2009 posting titled “Close Your Eyes.”
Today, the song brought deep tears to my eyes – grounding me back to my spiritual roots in a very powerful way. I listened to it over and over again – at least ten times. The words which healed me so deeply were:
Close your eyes
This part is scary
Take my hand
It won’t last long
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone
Yes, I did find my emotions very scary. It frightened me that I could still be sucked so deeply into such emotions of victimization and despair. The beautiful song reminded me once again that this is all part of my growth process – that I can take God’s hand, and that it will all be over soon – and that I will definitely love the ending.
Finally, I reached a point where I absolutely had to make a dash out to the restroom. As my ears hit the fresh outdoor air, I heard the faint harmonious hum of a nearby hand-pumped organ – the same small portable instrument that last Monday’s teacher loves to play occasionally. She was doing something she loves to do – playing Hindu Kirtan chants while singing along. I noticed she was alone, but knowing that she loves people to join her, I quickly grabbed my mat and headed out to the garden, eager to further ground myself in my newfound spiritual healing.
Almost immediately upon sitting down to enjoy the incredible music, tears started forming in my eyes. Singing before me was this amazing spiritual woman whom I admired. I was deeply ashamed at myself for having felt judgmental thoughts toward her earlier in the week (because she was not championing my desire to be freed from suspicion – because she seemed to be removing herself from my plight of irrational victimization).
As soon as the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I lowered my head, picked up my little notebook, and began writing a heartfelt letter of deep apology and love to this amazing woman. When I finished writing, my heart felt as if it were 100 pounds lighter, and the tears were gone. Ten minutes later, as she continued to play yet another beautiful chant, I walked over, placed the note on her keyboard, gave her a loving smile, and walked away.
Wrapping It Up
As I look back on this insane emotional meltdown – trying to figure out all of the contributing threads, I realize that I have experienced a lifelong feeling of victimization that I probably have never fully exposed and/or dealt with. That victimization has to do with feeling unjustly judged by others and being helpless to do anything about it. In some cases, I have tried to convince others to not judge me; in others I have had no alternative but to humbly ignore the judgment and to live a life filled with unconditional love. I had believed these issues to be fully healed – but apparently they were not.
In most all cases, that judgment has indeed disappeared, or at least greatly diminished. The only area where I continue to feel somewhat misunderstood is by extended family – but I know that too will heal with time. The only thing I need do is live my life in a loving and honorable manner. There are no words that could ever convince anyone to stop judging – only actions of living a life of love might do that.
As I write these words tonight a large spider decided to join me, sitting about three feet away on my wall, above and to my left. My first reaction was to think about bug spray. My second reaction was to thank the spider and to send it love and gratitude for keeping the smaller insects at bay. Perhaps he is here to watch me type – to make sure I get this emotional healing stuff right.
This weeks silly situation of being incorrectly accused of something I didn’t do, and then not being able to talk about it, triggered me to unknowingly revisit all of my unhealed junkyard of past emotions of helplessness when being judged by others. Now that I understand that this is still an open wound, I plan to dig even deeper. But I do believe that the issue over gate keys has finally lost all of its power in my life.
The other issue that came up for me was in meditation on Friday, when I suddenly became so intensely angry, with most of that anger being directed toward Chaty. I believe that anger and emotion has to do with my sense of having sacrificed myself – my true feelings – throughout most of my life. For most of my life I have had an entrenched pattern of trying to please my parents, my religious leaders, my teachers, my bosses – pretty much honoring the methods of any and every adult in any position of authority over me, while simultaneously ignoring my own heart.
As I had just gone through my “Declaration of Independence” with Keith, and as I was steeped in victimized emotion from the gate-key incidents, this other related emotion came gushing to the surface as well.
It is now so obvious to me that my entire emotional roller coaster ride this week has indeed been a beautiful setup – given to me by my spiritual guides as a blessing to show me a few more unhealed areas in my life – areas that I can now examine a bit more deeply.
I just smile inside when I realize how everything that has happened in my life this week seems to have been related to this powerful lesson. The urge to go to the lake, the resulting and frustrating discussions, my amazing visit with Keith, the downpour of torrential rains on Friday, and my resistance to channeling – all of it has been intertwined and orchestrated in a powerful way.
I am pleased to report that I made it through the pain. Yes, it was often quite scary as I faced unexplainable and intense emotions – but yes, I do believe that I will love the ending. I’m still not sure if I am quite there yet, but if I am not, I do know that I am very close, and am anxious to finish healing another major source of buried emotion in my life.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved