(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Thursday, September 2 – 1:15 p.m.
Wow, where do I begin?
Yesterday morning (Wednesday) I felt an internal urge telling me that now was the right time to go make another appointment with Keith (The Chocolate Shaman). I waffled back and forth about whether I should do it again during my silence versus waiting until the Sun Course is over. That little “maybe you need to follow the rules more closely” voice was poking me in the ribs, and I wasn’t sure whether or not I should listen to my heart or to that rule voice.
But my heart won the debate, and right before noon I made the ten minute stroll out to the edge of San Marcos.
As I engaged in writing notes to Keith – notes regarding my desires for another appointment – he brought out a comfy camping chair and said “Now is as good a time as any.” So, I broke my silence and we were off and running.
As usual, I made it clear that I had absolutely no idea why I was sitting there in front of him, other than that my heart wants to go still deeper. I began by telling Keith about my private energy journeys of the past two weeks – small miniscule things like opening new energy channels, and communicating with the millions of cells in my abdomen.
Then I expressed my observation that those things worked great for a few days, and then all of a sudden I could no longer recreate the same experience any more. Keith just smiled and reminded me of something I already know – there are no formulas for making this work. The second that we think we have it figured out, the rules all change. This is because when we figure it out, it becomes a routine mental process. Spiritual and energy work is all about the connection of the heart – not the mind.
I made a random comment about how I still struggle with traditional meditation techniques (even though I know that the reason is that I have tried to make them a routine mental process). I mentioned to Keith, in a way that was more like a question, that when I am with him, my intuitive energies seem to flow unobstructed, and that I also have many deep intuitions when by myself – intuitions that bless me when I connect with Spirit in my own ways. But when I try to sit with my legs crossed, watching my breathing, I usually feel empty, sterile, and disconnected.
To my surprise, this random, unplanned thread of comments became the theme for our session together. It never ceases to amaze me how Spirit communicates so clearly, yet so obscurely. A random little thought that just popped out of my head was exactly what I needed to focus on – what I needed to heal. And the healing journey was amazing.
Chocolate To The Rescue
After Keith meditated for a few minutes to connect with my energy, he informed me that he was being guided that for today’s session we should use chocolate – specifically using about 60% of what he normally uses during chocolate ceremonies. Before running into his kitchen to crank up the blender, Keith first asked if I was OK with using chocolate today. For me, the answer was a no brainer. I have learned to implicitly trust Keith’s intuitions. He has never given me any guidance that did not feel 100 percent in alignment with my own heart.
Soon, I was drinking my glass of quite bitter “love-grade” pure ground Mayan cacao mixed with a heavy dose of cayenne pepper and something from India that Keith called Mucana Puriens. Keith indicated that the extra supplement helped the body to more easily absorb the chocolate’s functional ingredients. Whatever the Mucana Puriens is, it definitely seemed to have strong diuretic properties. I must have had to run into the nearby restroom at least six or eight times during what turned out to be an amazing four hour (plus) session.
Before we went deep into our session, Keith reminded me of a simple metaphor that he had previously mentioned to me – one about throwing a small pebble into rough ocean surf. Of course, if you do this, you will most likely not see any ripples in the ocean waves, and you would probably not even see where the pebble actually entered the water. But, if you throw the same small pebble into a smooth pool with a mirror-like calm surface, the ripples that flow through the entire pool are quite obvious, being easily seen.
Keith reminded me that the spiritual promptings that we are seeking are like the tiny ripples generated by the pebble. Their energies are always there, but they are so easy to tune out, and are utterly invisible when our mind is filled with rough, incessant mental chatter.
I asked Keith why it is so easy to feel the energy ripples when I am around him, but I find it considerably more difficult in my own private space. He just smiled as he told me that he has learned to ground his own energy space, projecting it out so that it helps other people to be more in tune to their own ripples. Keith used the symbol of a tuning fork to clarify what he meant. When you bang a metal tuning fork on a hard surface, it begins to melodiously vibrate at a set frequency, and it literally affects the vibrations of other objects around it. He further pointed out that if you bring another tuning fork up next to the vibrating one, then the new one will begin to vibrate at the same frequency.
“I just start my own tuning fork.” Keith smiled as he answered my original question one more time, this time using the tuning fork metaphor that made the concept so easily understandable.
My Way Versus The “Right” Way
Keith asked me to close my eyes and meditate. Almost immediately, I felt immersed into a deep loving energy – an energy that warmly embraced me from all sides. As I continued basking in this incredible feeling, I heard Keith comment something like “Wow, this is beautiful. The powerful loving energy that you are radiating is making me tear up with emotion.” I simply smiled, keeping my eyes closed, focusing on enjoying the amazing feeling.
After about twenty minutes of simply quietly vibrating in this beautiful loving space, I opened my eyes and resumed a short conversation with Keith. Breaking from his usual hands off approach, Keith began to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. I love it when he does that. He probably realized that I already knew exactly what he was going to tell me, but that I actually needed to hear it verbally from someone else that I have learned to trust.
As Keith talked, my heart vibrated with pure resonating agreement – confirming that his words, which I did indeed already know, are true.
Keith reminded me that throughout my life I have constantly found the courage to follow my heart, to trust my own feelings – even when following my heart went against everything that I had ever been taught by well-meaning people. He reminded me that my heart has always been 100% right, and that my journey has been beautiful.
Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I realized intuitively where Keith was going with his words. I thought of the countless times in my life where I faced excruciatingly difficult decisions – knowing that being true to myself would wreak havoc in the lives of those I loved – yet also knowing that if I did not follow my heart, there would be no point to living at all.
These tears of joyful recognition became a frequent and welcome visitor throughout the remainder of our amazing flow of words and explorations.
Briefly, I opened my eyes, sharing a few details of past agonizing struggles where I had somehow found the courage to keep following my heart. I acknowledged that without exception, following my heart has always brought me incredible growth and beautiful rewards.
I then explained many of my recent struggles with following my heart – specifically about how my had heart demanded that I participate in the Sun Course, but that I needed to do it “with an attitude” – meaning that I needed to do it in my own way, while always listening to my personal internal guidance rather than just blindly following outside guidance and expectations.
Then I smiled a wrinkled smile as I acknowledged to Keith that recently I have been frequently pushing my heart out of the way as I try to comply – trying to do things the way Chaty wants us to do them. I keep allowing a nagging left-brained voice to whine in my ear – a voice telling me: “You will get better results if you do it the RIGHT way – that being Chaty’s way. She knows more than you. If you follow her lead, you will reap great blessings and treasures.”
“Yes, yes, yes.“ The whining voices incessantly remind me. ” Meditation and spiritual growth have been achieved in this way for thousands of years. There is great wisdom in this fact. You have to do it this way – the right way. You must abandon your own method, learning to use the tried-and-proven ways – the ways that work for others. Surely this will give you even more powerful guidance.”
I slightly giggled out loud as I pondered the absurdity of these little intellectual voices.
Keith continued his beautiful words, reminding me that my own personal connection to Holy Spirit – which is actually my Higher Self – is ALL that I need, all that I should ever trust.
I am the first one to expound here in my blog about how everything is an “Inside Job” – yet here I find myself, somewhat looking for someone outside of me (Chaty) to validate my spiritual path.
Yes, that is exactly what I have been doing – surrendering a certain amount of personal control – expecting Chaty to teach me a more enlightened way of doing things.
Yes, I absolutely love Chaty’s guidance and teachings – she has so much incredible experience and spiritual wisdom. She lives what she teaches, and it is beautiful and powerful for her, and for many others. She always teaches with love, never makes demands, and simply gives us assignments (and techniques) for meditation.
But no, I cannot and will not blindly follow her instructions if my heart tells me to follow a slightly varying path. I must always put priority on the promptings from within.
Wow! As I internalized these thoughts, a feeling of deep empowerment raged forth within my soul. I later realized that this same newfound “Declaration of Independence” also pertains to my “A Course In Miracles (ACIM)” beliefs. I absolutely love my ACIM beliefs and I practically worship many of the amazing ACIM teachers – but I cannot, and will never again, blindly listen to another teacher of any belief system – no matter what it might be.
From today forward, the absolute authority in my life – in all matters – is the quiet whisperings of my own heart. Through my heart’s intuitions, I trust my Higher Self to provide me with all of the guidance that is needed in my own unique journey. The paths of others will be quite different than mine, as they are guided via their own hearts.
Yes, for certain, I will continue to seek out teachers like Chaty, Keith, and many others. I will absolutely bask in the light of their wisdom. Very often, such external teachers have been a powerful way to jumpstart my personal learning processes. But from today forward, my heart will be the only filter of what becomes the truth by which I live my life.
Anyway, I am diverging slightly.
A New Perspective
As Keith asked me to re-immerse myself in meditation, a welcome interruption appeared on the porch. Keith’s young helper – Isaias – a handsome and wise-beyond-his-years young man of Mayan descent walked in.
“Isaias will be joining us.” Keith told me before asking for my blessing. The focus soon shifted away from me as Keith told me that Isaias is facing many of the same issues that I have plowed through in my own life. My ears perked up as Keith told me that Isaias is grappling with decisions about following his heart, even if it means that others in his culture and his life might not agree or understand his path.
I went deeper into meditation and just listened as the other two discussed things that Isaias was visualizing. I soon realized that this young man has some deep spiritual gifts.
After about ten minutes of listening while slipping deeper into silent meditation, I suddenly felt the boundaries of duality and separation beginning to melt. At a very intuitive level, I began to deeply realize that I am those ancient Mayan Elders of which the beautiful young man was talking. I also felt quite clearly that I am also Isaias himself.
Actually, what I realized is that at the highest level we all share a common Higher Self – the ultimate Holy Spirit. It is literally as if each one of us is a conscious cell helping to compose the body of a larger living intelligence. That larger entity has a living consciousness, accessible by all who belong to it. Taking this one step further, that entity is also a cell in yet another even larger living entity. I then turned this analogy around as I thought of the millions of conscious living cells that make up my own physical body – the same ones with whom I communicated just last week.
“For each of these cells,” new insights flooded my mind, “I am literally their Higher Self.”
The whole concept made so much sense as I continued to meditate still deeper. Suddenly I decided to visualize myself successively connecting with the consciousness of each of these Higher Selves. I went up several amazing levels when I finally realized that myself, Keith, Isaias, and Isaias’s ancestors are all part of the same living entity – a wondrous conscious being with the wisdom and intelligence to guide those of us below who are searching for understanding.
I began to feel a deeper sense of identity and unity, one that sent deep energy vibrating through my soul.
At this point in my meditation, after being on my own for over fifteen minutes while Keith was talking to Isaias, Keith suddenly returned focus to me, saying something like, “Wow, Brenda, now you are making incredible progress.”
It amazed me that Keith was still right there with me, fully aware of the major breakthrough that was, at that very moment, taking place in my consciousness.
As I continued to ponder, my heart reminded me that Planet Earth is itself a living, conscious being – and I suddenly realized that this living planet is literally one of my direct ancestors. In a very literal sense, I am a child of this planet, and this planet’s consciousness is high up in my chain of Higher Selves. It all fits in so beautifully with the symbolic teachings of the Tree of Life.
Again, as I continued to lose myself in this maze of wondrous contemplation, the tears began to stream down my cheeks. I suddenly understood in a very powerful way that the wisdom of the ages – absolutely everything I need to know and understand as I spiritually find my way home, is indeed the birthright of this conscious living Higher Self of which I am a contributor. At this higher level, every single human on this earth shares the same consciousness. All we need to do is to raise our vibrations and access this deeper connection that is us – all of us.
No, I will no longer depend on outside feedback from a spiritual teacher or anyone else outside of myself to tell me if I am doing something correctly. I feel so empowered and free – free to connect directly with the divine – the divinity that is my literal birthright.
Our deepest growth comes from our own internal source. It is critical that we be true to our own inspiration. Each one of us has our own unique way of accessing these channels of intuition. The trick is in learning to recognize our particular channel, and in then learning to gradually trust the messages we receive from those gently rippling waters.
Pillars Of Light
As Keith return to work with Isaias, I could not help but listen in a little closer. At one point, Isaias mentioned his hesitancy to connect with the energy rising from the earth. He only wanted to allow energy to enter his awareness from above. Having recently resolved this resistance in myself, I opened my eyes and volunteered an insight that had really helped me.
“It is just like an electrical circuit.” I piped in. “There needs to be two wires, or the current cannot flow. We need to ground ourselves to the physical earth in order for the Spiritual energy to flow freely within us.”
As Keith reentered the conversation to validate what I had just said, I felt a strong desire to put my words into practice. I immediately closed my eyes once again, relaxing my arms with my open hands stretched out in front of me, imagining the energy flowing through me, with my body being the center of a circuit that joined the energies together.
As I began to sunbathe bask in the incredible peaceful flow of energy that started almost immediately, Keith stopped what he was saying to Isaias, switched back to me, and commented on the incredible energy that was now moving in my body. He then asked Isaias to try to connect with my energy, and to then describe what he could see.
Isaias amazed me once again, when within less than a minute he began to speak, saying something like, “I am seeing a beautiful column of brilliant white light, beginning at the core of the earth, rising up, passing right through her body which is surrounded by a ball of light, and then continuing straight up into the Universe.”
This beautiful poetic description of what I was experiencing caused my vibrating energy to nearly double in strength. An amazing feeling of connectedness permeated my soul, giving me a profound feeling of warm peaceful presence of which I was an integral part.
For another twenty to thirty minutes I simply inhaled the amazing energy. Little by little, additional intuitions began to flow into my awareness. Then an unexpected insight flooded into my consciousness. My focused attention seemed to be magically drawn to my precious spiritual medallion – the one that Trish gave to me two years ago in a channeling session – the one that my guides asked her to give to me – the small round metal circle with six silver spokes dividing the circle into six pie-like shapes – the one with a single green emerald in the middle and six rubies around the outside circumference.
Something intuitively whispered a message that now felt so obvious. The medallion was never meant to represent a vertical circle that stands upright like a tiny Ferris wheel. Instead, the medallion represents the horizontal slice of a vertical column of light energy, with the green emerald being me, the color of the heart chakra, standing right in the middle of that divine column. The medallion was meant to represent the experience that I was having at that very minute.
Shivers rushed through my spine and tears returned to my cheeks as I spoke up and emotionally summarized a brief history of my necklace to Keith and Isaias.
Minutes later, Keith again interrupted the silence to tell me that some energetic changes were now beginning in my root and second chakras. As these words left his mouth, I was already beginning to feel little twinges of energy bouncing around in these areas. I asked him later if he could clarify what changes the energy might have made, and he said that he did not know – but that whatever it was it would help take me to the next level.
The energy just did not stop. At one point, Keith got up from his chair, leaned down directly in front of me, reached out with his right fingers, and promptly taped me quite forcefully – first doing it several times on my heart chakra, and then repeating his actions on my third eye. I forgot to ask him later what he was doing, but I definitely felt the results. As he tapped, and after he finished, I felt a definite increase in the flow of energy through my body. It was as if he had been helping to free up some clogged energy to help to open my flow to a new level.
After what felt like forever (and an amazing forever it was), Keith then suggested that he and I each use our consciousness to expand our own columns of light (I guess he was experiencing one of his own) such that our columns would surround Isaias. Soon Isaias developed his own powerful column. Then Keith guided us once again into expanding our energy, first to the point that the three of us were a single united column, then to the point that the column engulfed the entire village of San Marcos. Soon our column was the size of Guatemala, and finally, we visualized our column of light filling the entire planet.
It was quite the rush – a powerful visualization experience (when I say visualization here, I did not see anything – but felt it quite powerfully in my mind). Just minutes after visualizing our expansive combined energy, the three of us returned to silent meditation, with each of us just quietly and reverently returning to immerse ourselves into individual experience. I discovered that no matter what I did, whether it was occasionally talking, opening my eyes, running to the restroom, or simply sitting quietly in meditation – the energy remained with me. If I became momentarily distracted, all I had to do to return to the energy was to remember that it was there and I would again feel its powerful flow.
For the last hour or so, the three of us simply sat around and visited. I did not want the experience to end, and I certainly was not going to be the one bring up the topic that it was probably getting quite late. Even when we engaged in active conversation, I continued to feel the energy in a powerful way.
The Teacher Will Appear
Quite early in our session, while waiting for the effects of our recently-consumed chocolate to sink in, Keith had casually mentioned the fact that for nearly two months he has been thinking that he would be doing some traveling, perhaps another international tour – but for some reason or other, he was still here in San Marcos – the travel has not materialized.
“You know why you are still here don’t you?” I jokingly commented. “It is because I needed you here. I needed these amazing internal growth experiences.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Keith responded teasingly, “because there really is only one of us here, and it is you.”
We had never discussed this topic before, but we were both playing around with one of my favorite paradoxes in the Course In Miracles. The belief is that there really is only one of us here on this earth, and the rest of everyone else is our own mental projection – part of our own private dream – as if everything centers around us for our own growth and development. Of course that one person is me since I am the dreamer … or am I?
From someone else’s perspective, I am merely a character in their dream, put there by their subconscious mind to help them grow in some way.
I still cannot fully wrap my arms around this paradox, but I do strongly believe that in each of our realities, the world does indeed cater in wonderful ways to our actual needs (yes I said needs, not wants).
At least this has been my own personal experience. Whatever I need always seems to show up at precisely the right time, whenever or wherever I may need it. It is that old adage “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear … and when the teacher is ready, the student will appear.”
So when I was joking with Keith about him still being in San Marcos because I needed him, I was actually quite serious. With all of my heart, I believe that whatever I need to encounter in my spiritual path will be provided for me, exactly when I am ready for it. My travels of the past 15 months have repeatedly been filled with such amazing synchronicities.
What Keith told me next made my head spin with the possibilities. He explained that he has a little piece of property just below and across the street from his home, right down by the lake. He said that he is feeling prompted to make a few changes to the property, adding water, electricity, and a toilet with sink – and is then thinking that he will begin teaching daily classes, using that property as a beautiful outdoor classroom. Keith’s imagined timeframe for all of this to happen would be in mid-to-late November, with classes being offered up into the April timeframe.
My heart lit up with excitement as I told Keith that I am not in a position to make commitments or plans, but that my initial gut feeling is that “I am all in.” I cannot imagine anything that I would rather do than to spend four or five hours every day over an extended period of time, learning from this incredible man, deepening my own personal connection to the divine, hoping that just maybe some of his magic might rub off on me. I feel so inadequate as I ponder doing what Keith does – but something inside of me tells me that this is one more case of “the student being ready and the teacher appearing.”
An Inspired Style
As we sat enjoying the energy during our final hour of chatting, we again talked extensively about Keith’s intention to begin teaching classes. The more we discussed the possibilities, the more my energy vibrated a confirmation that I will definitely be taking advantage of this amazing opportunity to learn and grow.
But we did not spent the entire hour talking about the future. I had other curiosities to be explored. I began to query Keith about how he does his magic, telling him that I never cease to be amazed at how he seems to know everything that is going on, and seems to be able to inspire someone to find their own answers from within.
Keith explained that his spiritual guides taught him to work in such as way that he never uses his own opinions or feelings to lead a client. Instead he always follows the client’s own energy, going wherever that energy takes him. Keith told me that everyone has their own unique learning style – their own unique way of connecting with and feeling Spiritual promptings. He connects with their uniqueness, and then follows his own spiritual promptings in helping to guide them to the point of discovering their own internal answers and connections.
I immediately understood why I have such an amazing connection with the way Keith works. I thrive on this style – it is my own style – a style where I seek not to teach or to change others. Instead, I seek to inspire others, through my own life examples, to find the courage and/or the ability to establish their own personal connection with the divine – their own inspired inner music.
When working with Keith, I have always felt as if he is completely inside my head and my heart, seeing things through my personal filtered lenses, my emotions, my viewpoints. Invariably, everything he has ever done with me has gently guided me into discovering what is already within me. He does not teach me or show me the answer. He follows me, dropping clues as needed, guiding me on the treasure hunt with just enough energy to keep me motivated in my search. And the amazing thing is that I get immediate feedback that inspires me to trust and to believe my own feelings.
Where’s the Off Switch?
As stood up to give Keith a goodbye hug, I first glanced over at my watch. I was shocked to see that it was already after 4:00 p.m. – just over four hours had zoomed by in a flash. The column of energy was still flowing through my body.
As I thought about what was happening to me, I was intuitively drawn to another visual – a mental image of a transporter on the starship Enterprise – you know the one where one moment you are standing there saying the words “beam me up Scotty” and in the next moment your body is a vibrating mass of molecular movement being beamed off through space.
Well, as I began to move, I felt as if my body were literally inside of that transporter beam. After reaching a standing position, I was at first quite dizzy and weak. I momentarily wondered whether I even had the strength to make the ten minute walk back to the center of San Marcos.
Keith jumped up and told Isaias that he was going to walk out to the street with me, and to perhaps show me the property where we would be holding the classes. I secretly wonder if Keith was just concerned to make sure I had the strength to walk, and he wanted to be sure to be there to catch me if I were to collapse. Gradually my strength began to increase as we walked down the hill toward the lake. Upon seeing the beautiful setting, I became even more excited about the possibilities of spending several months here as an avid student of my inner energies.
As I slowly inched my way back to the center of San Marcos, I was starving and weak. I stopped at one of my favorite spots for dinner – devouring a large plate of rice with steamed vegetables while enjoying a lovely glowing fireplace that radiated heat into the now quite-cool evening. At this point, I was not at all concerned with the fact that eating would cause me to miss evening meditation in the pyramid temple. I absolutely had to eat, and I was anxious to get started on my writing.
But as I finally arrived back in my room, I felt utterly exhausted from all of the energetic work that I had experienced during the afternoon. Determined to not forget a single thing, I forced myself to briefly sit at my keyboard, typing in a quick list of experiences and insights that I simply had to record in my journal.
By 7:00 p.m. I was in my pajamas and in bed, expecting to sleep like an exhausted baby – but that darned (did I say it was wonderful? LOL) energy would not stop flowing. I searched everywhere in my subconscious to find the illusive “off” switch, but it was nowhere to be found. I desperately wanted my body to stop vibrating. I was so incredibly tired and so desirous to rest – yet my head, arms, legs, and especially abdomen were all still abuzz with constant movement.
Finally, as I realized that my body was not going to shut down, I reminded myself that there is a huge difference between pain and suffering – between a body that will not stop vibrating and a body that is home to a miserable exhausted person who is a victim of not being able to sleep. I immediately made the choice to be a tired-but-happy person living in a vibrating body. Grabbing my IPOD, I cranked up the volume with the likes of John Denver, Collin Raye, and Josh Groban (even though technically we are only supposed to listen to meditation type music – if any music all – because music can distract us from the purpose of our silence).
“I am doing the ‘Sun Course with an Attitude’”, I reminded myself. “If my heart wants to listen to this music, then I am going to do it.”
I finally noticed that my body began to relax around midnight. At 12:30 a.m. I turned off the IPOD, rolled over, and dozed off. But after waking this morning (Thursday) at 5:00 a.m., I was right back searching for the energy’s “off switch” all over again.
Being unable to return to the world of sleep, I again made the choice to be happy. At 6:00 a.m. I grabbed my IPOD and stepped out into a beautiful morning filled with crisp fresh air. “Happy” felt so much better than being an exhausted victim of very little sleep.
This afternoon at 1:15 p.m., as I finally found the energy to attempt some writing, I did not see how I could possibly keep it up for very long. But the more I wrote, the more my energy picked up. I became determined to not stop until I finished. Now, as I near completion, it is 9:10 p.m. Other than a one hour dinner break and a 90 minute evening meditation, I have been writing nonstop all afternoon. It never ceases to amaze me how writing about spiritual growth is exactly what I need to reenergize my soul. Not only did I successfully record another amazing growth adventure with Keith, but I filled myself with rejuvenating light and energy at the same time.
Now I hope to translate that rejuvenating light energy into the soul of a happy-but-sleeping Brenda, drifting off into dreamland.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved