(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Wednesday, August 11 – 7:00 p.m.
What a beautiful day. After staying up last night till nearly 11:00 p.m. watching the Matrix with most of the Sun Course, I slept like a baby. I only remember waking one time during the night. After a quick scamper out into the dark to visit the nearby restroom building, I was able to return quickly to sleep.
At 8:20 a.m. I found myself dressed in white, gathering with all of my Sun Course friends, exchanging last words and hugs. Magic was in the air.
As class time rapidly approached, I witnessed a long moment of magic. One of our Sun Course group (N’himsa) is privileged to have her mother here participating in the Moon Course. My heart nearly melted as I became the grateful observer of an incredible hug between mother and daughter. The beautiful hug seemed to go on forever, and I began to feel a sense of intense loving emotion as I basked in the display before me. My emotion as a silent observer was so strong that tears began to stream down my cheeks. Seconds later, Sandra walked over, and she too began to cry. At about the same time, I noticed that N’himsa herself began to bubble with her own emotion.
After the private hug was over, Sandra and I walked over for our turns. As I hugged N’himsa’s mother, I briefly indicated that I was pretending she was my mother. Immediately she grabbed me again and hugged me a little longer, at which point I again broke into a few tears while imagining that my own beautiful mother was proudly squeezing me tightly. What an emotional way to lead into our ceremony to begin 40 days of silence.
Soon, after all eight of us were seated on our meditation stools in our little pyramid temple, Chaty guided us into our first 30 minutes of silent meditation. At one point during our meditation, Chaty broke in and began channeling a message from the invisible world. Then she stood up and walked around the room channeling a short personal message for each of us, giving us the personal name of a spirit guide who will be accompanying us during our 40 day process – being there to help and to give us additional support. I am excited to have my own personal guide, and already feel quite close to his energy.
As the beautiful ceremony continued, Chaty asked us to each take a turn to express our personal intents during our 40 days. I cannot remember my exact words, but I dedicated my passionate intent to devote my heart and soul to the process that I am now entering – fully committing in a public way to raise my internal vibration levels and to listen to my internal guidance – doing whatever I am prompted to do – facing every prompting with love, devotion, and trust. When Narkis took her turn at the end, her emotion-filled words triggered another round of loving tears in many of us.
I was sad when our ceremony needed to end. I did not want to walk out of the small temple, leaving the presence of that incredible loving Spirit. Many of us lingered for a while longer, exchanging repeated hugs. Accompanying words were not necessary.
* * * * *
Since entering silence this morning, I have approached my first day with deep reverence. During my last five-day period of silence, I was quite disciplined about not speaking with others, yet I continued to talk out loud to myself quite a lot. During this new silence, I have decided that I will not even whisper to myself. My voice box is going into hibernation. Chaty assured us that after about ten days of doing this, amazing things begin to happen.
Of course, there are two types of situations in which I may occasionally talk – during classes in the temple, and if I feel prompted to participate in some type of therapeutic session or doctor visit. Other than that, my heart is determined to be pure and genuine with my intent to remain absolutely silent.
I expect that these outside sessions will be few and far between. Today I participated in a lymphatic massage with energy work – wanting to get that experience out of the way before full immersion into the silence. In about twenty minutes or so, I will also need to have a brief conversation with my doctor as I pick up the results of my latest post-antibiotic parasite test. I am hoping the tests show that I am now parasite free, but I will roll with whatever comes up. After tonight, the only talking in which I plan to engage will be if I feel prompted to again schedule a private session with the Chocolate Shaman (I really expect that will happen).
Throughout our 40 days, Chaty asked us to try to meditate at least seven hours every day. She instructed us to eat healthy, and to mostly eat normal foods through the majority of our silence. We will not be asked to switch to soups and juices until the final seven to ten days. Chaty did ask us, however, to cut out white flour, and to eat smaller portions – giving our digestive systems a slight rest and allowing more energy to be diverted to our spiritual growth.
“Listen to your body.” She emphasized, urging us to maintain our strength.
* * * * *
Tonight in meditation, we finished the evening with another 21 minute session of harmoniously chanting “Om”. What a beautiful experience to end our first day of silence. I was beginning to feel tired before we started, but as I walked out of the temple at 6:30 p.m., I was literally vibrating with energy. I strolled out to the medicinal garden, kicked my flip-flops off my feet, stood with my arms holding the branch of my favorite tree, and simply inhaled the tree’s energy – energy that was quite amazing.
I continue to develop a close energy relationship with this tree, and other than that one isolated evening last week, the grass below my special branch continues to be free from ants.
* * * * *
8:30 p.m.
It seems the Universe is playing another game of treasure hunt. As I arrived at the doctor’s home tonight, his wife came out to inform me that their microscope was not functioning today, and they will now be out of town until Monday. I guess I get to wait six more days to find out if I am free from the little internal nutrition seekers.
In the meantime, I trust that everything happens for a reason, and I cannot wait to figure this one out. Now it is time to meditate ….
Sunday, August 15 – 7:00 a.m.
For many reasons, I am three days behind in my writing. Let’s see if I can catch up a bit. Thursday morning began in a normal way, and ended with a sense of magic.
It started off in Yoga with me being silently assertive and doing things my own way. A little over half way through our session, Tom announced that we would be doing some partner Yoga, involving complicated balancing poses with another person. Never having enjoyed these poses, and not wanting to disturb my silence, I simply sat down on my mat and began peacefully meditating, silently indicating that I would not be participating. There were an odd number in the group anyway. After a few minutes I engaged in some individual hip-opener poses while the rest of the group continued on. I was amazed at how peaceful and proud if felt of myself for doing what I needed to do rather than simply going along with the crowd as I always would have done in the past.
Subsequently, during 8:30 a.m. meditation before class, I felt a powerful energy of presence as I basked in the experience of feeling energy dance up my hands, arms, and shoulders. It was a great and magical meditation.
But it was during breakfast where the real magic happened. I was eating a large plate of fruit with yogurt and granola, topped with a little bit of honey. A lone honey bee began cruising by to check out my goods. Soon he performed a perfect helicopter landing on the edge of a small ceramic pot containing honey at the bottom. Over the next thirty minutes I was treated to an incredible show. I watched as the little bee found his way to the bottom of the narrow-necked jar. He seemed as if he had found nirvana – the one and only Disneyland for bees. Then he got himself into a little trouble as he “got in over his head” so to say.
In his excited jubilation, the bee got some honey on his wings and legs. I noticed that he was having trouble flying, and his attempts to crawl up the sloping ceramic side seemed quite futile. Playing lifeguard, I dipped a small spoon into the bottom of the jar, carefully placed it under the helpless bee, and lifted it to safety on the table top next to my plate.
For fifteen minutes I observed with fascination, bee-ing completely in the magical moment, as the little bee set out to clean himself. Repeatedly, he performed circus-like balancing poses on his front two legs while he used his other four legs to try to clean himself. The little guy showed great determination and will power, refusing to give up – all the while I silently cheered him on. Eventually he seemed ready as he gave his wings a few test buzzes. Suddenly, as quickly as he had first arrived, he cranked up his wings one final time, zoomed into the air, and disappeared into the distance.
As I finished my delicious fruit, I was lost in thought about my fascinating show. “How did that little bee know what to do to clean himself?” … “Where did his instincts come from?” … “Who designed his tiny little body, his wings, and his tiny agile six legs, giving him such strength and ability?” … My list of curious questions seemed endless.
As I finished off my fruit, having been aware of many other bees flying around in the interim, I took a glance down into the honey jar. Surprise crossed my puzzled face when I discovered five additional bees literally swimming in the honey below. They were all hopelessly stuck in the honey – as if mired in quick sand. Lovingly, I reached down with my spoon and scooped each one out onto my plate. They were so drenched that a couple of them could hardly even walk, and their wings were stuck to their back. Gently using the tip of my fork, I assisted two of them in separating their wings from their body. Both seemed quite grateful. One was so sticky that every time he rested his wings, one of them stuck back to his body.
For fifteen more minutes I watched in fascination as these new bees struggled to clean themselves. I watched with awe as two unaffected bees landed and began sucking honey off the backs of the others. Making sure that the honey jar was bee-free, I handed it back to the waiter so that he could keep future bees from drowning. The waiter asked if I wanted a clean plate, but I responded with hand signals, indicating that I wanted things exactly as they were.
Watching this incredible show of nature was the magical highlight of my day – filling my morning with the feeling of loving presence.
* * * * *
The remainder of Thursday brought with it a feeling of spiritual disconnect. I had eaten too much fruit at breakfast – and then a subsequent lunch left me feeling uncomfortable and bloated. The stomach discomfort kept me from feeling alive. For the rest of the day I felt stuck, simply trying to go through the motions. Since I was not in a mood to meditate, I used my time to work on some crafting – using poster board to create the base for a poster/chart of the tree of life – a chart which I hope will help me in my meditations down the road. Finally, late Thursday night, I gave in to my need for sleep.
* * * * *
On Friday I learned my lesson about not eating too much. Throughout the day I maintained a slight feeling of hunger, eating just enough food to fuel my body, but not so much to give me a bloated feeling.
But I could not quite return to a deep spiritual feeling of presence and connection that I had experienced while watching the bees. Using my time in a productive way, I focused instead on finishing the preparations of my “Tree of Life” poster. I now have ten decorated circles, filled with text and colorful symbolism, representing the ten sephiroth of the tree. I also have 22 small cards, representing each of the 22 paths of the tree. Each card is decorated with all of its associated key words and symbolism for that path. I plan to use these as I meditate on the tree to explore deeper into the subconscious meanings.
But just like Thursday afternoon, Friday came and went in a non-spectacular way. I never really connected to that deep spiritual oneness that I have learned to crave.
* * * * *
Saturday began just as Friday ended. I continued to go through the motions, not feeling especially connected. Instead, I was feeling rather blah, confused by my indifference, confused by my state of spiritual disconnection. I recognized that I was simply experiencing the low between waves. During this “down time”, I continued to make final additions to my little meditation notebook – my collection of notes on everything I need to focus on during these 40 days.
It was not until right before an early afternoon lunch that I began to connect with what was going on inside of me. In fact, it was a few of the notes that I copied into my notebook that really sparked my inner movement. The notes I copied were Chaty’s original instructions at the start of our Sun Course – telling us that everything that happens to us during these three months is part of our process. She told us to not ignore our bizarre emotions, but to instead explore them and to heal them. She made it quite clear that we would hit walls or veils, beyond which we cannot pass until we heal certain things in ourselves.
“Duh” I told myself as I began to walk over to my new favorite restaurant to order a plate of rice and steamed vegetables. I have been feeling a crazy amount of judgment pop into my head over the past six weeks. It seems like everywhere I turn, things are happening around me that trigger ugly and uninvited judgmental thoughts.
Yes, I have gone through the motions of working through each and every one of these thoughts, remaining the observer, looking in the mirror and refusing to project the causes outward. But the strength and almost continuous nature of these annoying little judgmental thoughts has begun to take its toll on me.
“It is time to look at this – to find out what is really going on.” I told myself as I sat down at my lunch table with genuine desire to find the truth.
I started out by making a list of every single judgment that has been persistently attempting to push its way into my private thoughts. I wrote down everything I could think of that has been trying to shake my peaceful presence. Most items on my list were stupid and petty. Many of them have long since been resolved … or have they? Even though I believed myself to have let go of my silent attack thoughts, such thoughts still seemed to have a sense of eerie power to them.
As I further analyzed the unwelcome intruding thoughts, I realized that almost all of them had to do with judging the appearance, the laziness, the incompetence, the inefficiency, the rudeness, the thoughtlessness, and the loudness of others.
As I stared at my still-growing list of unwanted judgmental thoughts, I became quite humble and confused with myself. My entire focus of the past six years has been to learn to love everyone and everything in an unconditional way – to love and accept things exactly as they are. So why am I feeling so much judgment? Why? Why? Why?
I took another look at myself. Yes, I continue to see everything as an inside job, with me being the cause of my own projected judgments. Check. No, I am not owning or attaching to the emotions. Check. Yes, for the most part, I am successfully being the observer of these UGLY judgments in myself. Check.
Ouch! As I wrote the word UGLY, I was slammed with the realization that a great deal of emotion was wrapped up in that word. Yes, I realized that I am judging myself for feeling judgmental thoughts.
Immediately, my thoughts flashed to my last session with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. In that amazing session, after successfully annihilating a past-life binding contract – a contract to “work, work, work” at being perfect – Keith had told me I would continue to deal with residual self judgment as I processed through the unfolding events of letting go of my “work, work, work” drive.
Suddenly, it all became so clear. Every one of my sensitive judgment triggers is based on perfectionist, self-centered attitudes that I continue to project outward onto others. The overall theme of my judgments is “In my pompous state of perfection, I would do it this way – and that would be the perfect and logical way for others to do it also. If others don’t do things in my old perfectionist way, then they are stupid, dumb, lazy, etc…. Blah, blah blah … “
What I wrote in my notebook while eating green beans and rice is the following:
“Apparently I am still judging myself quite harshly for the reactions that I am experiencing – residuals of an old past-life blood oath contract to work-work-work and do-do-do. I have these subconscious work ethics to achieve, and my head tells me that others should too!!!!! They should be like me – the Rule Robot !!! NO NO NO!!!! … God forbid NO! … I need to stop projecting this sick “old” self! I need to stop!”
I then scribbled in my notebook “That is another judgment” with an arrow pointing to the above statements.
Then, thinking about my recent read of Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”, I realized that now is the time for me to own all of these disowned “dark” parts of myself so that I will stop projecting them outward as not belonging to me.
I quickly scribbled the following list: “I am inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, and lazy. I am dirty, inefficient, a work horse, a slave driver. I talk too much. I am too loud. I am anal, an annoying perfectionist. I am smelly, too rushed, always in a hurry. I stereotype others, writing off others based on appearance, behavior, and language. I am inconsistent. I am judgmental”
In writing the above, I was not beating up on myself. I was attempting to personally own every trait that my mind, as of late, repeatedly tempts me to project onto others. I recognized that it is time for me to be whole, to re-integrate my entire personality back together, to quit denying cast-off parts of myself, and to instead find the beauty and gifts of these disowned parts of myself.
I remembered a powerful meditation exercise outlined in Debbie Ford’s book – an experience where she asks you visualize a conversation with each disowned part of yourself, giving that part a name, identifying its gifts, what it needs in order to become whole, etc… I began by making what I thought would be a short list. Soon the list had doubled in size. Throughout the day, the list continued to grow as new disowned parts of myself came forward to announce their presence.
Please forgive me if you find your own first name on this list. As I meditated briefly on each trait, the traits pretty much named themselves. In no way do any of these names reflect a real-life relationship with anyone.
The list blew me away with names like: Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Obnoxious Olga, Lazy Larry, Inefficient Ignacio, Judgmental Judy, Better-than William, Snobby Bobby, Sloppy Suzy, High-horse Hilda, Careless Kathy, Pushy Patty, Work-horse Waldo, Slave-driver Sid, Talk-too-much-Tessie, Anal Andy, Ugly Toby, Plain Jane, Perfectionist Peter, Smelly Nelly, Rushed Rita, Hurried Harry, Stereotyping Susan, Serious Sam, Resistant Ralph, Angry Alice, Dominating Dominique, Processing Pruilla, Analytical Al, Princess Brenda, Spiritual Doreen, Righteous Rhonda, Know-it-all Ned, My-way Mike, Competent Connie, Superior Sally, Boring Bob, Mental Mervin, Intellectual Ed, Marion the Librarian, Boisterous Betty, Prim-and-proper Priscilla, On-time Tom, and Dependable Debbie.”
What happened next literally amazed me. I began to follow Debbie Ford’s process, meditating and visualizing a conversation with the first few names on the list.
I ignored the persistent urgings of Perfectionist Peter, Analytical Al, and Intellectual Ed, telling me that I should first organize and categorize the list so as to better use my time. Instead, I just plowed right in at the top of the list.
* * * * *
As I meditated on Inconsiderate Ingrid, I was surprised by the visual of a spitting image of a former friend – a friend who fit the name perfectly. One of the qualities I had originally admired in this friend was that she managed to get things done, often stepping on a few toes to get there. She plowed right through situations, often thinking only of herself, not thinking about how the situation may affect others. In fact, it was one such situation that literally destroyed my friendship with her, just a few years later, when she asked me to deny myself in order to support her bizarre attack against another person that I love.
I asked Inconsiderate Ingrid just what could possibly be her gift to me. She proudly told me that without her, I would be a wimp. I would allow others to walk all over me, and to use and abuse me like a doormat. She reminded me about my “Sun Course with an Attitude” axiom that is allowing me to be true to myself through my Sun Course experience. “I gave that phrase to you” she proudly told me. “I help you to break out of sick unhealthy patterns – teaching you to do what is needed rather than always trying to simply please others.”
Then I asked her what she needed from me in order to feel whole and integrated. She indicated that she needed to feel loved and appreciated for helping me to make the tough decisions. She asked me to take care of myself and my own needs, to not sacrifice my own needs by being nice to others when it is not appropriate.
As I thanked Inconsiderate Ingrid for her time, I felt a powerful internal shift. I realized that when used with balance, her blessing is indeed powerful and appropriate. A sense of recognition told me that I would no longer project my judgments of Ingrid onto others. If I see others, seemingly being inconsiderate by taking care of their own needs first, I will instead honor that instinct inside of me.
* * * * *
As I next invited Loud Lucy to sit down for a chat, I was quite surprised when her identical twin sister Boisterous Betty also joined the conversation. What blew me away, however, is that these two disowned parts of my self literally took on the exact form and appearance of a very dear and special friend of mine – my amazing friend Rose.
As I reflected on my friendship with Rose, I realized that one of the most powerful traits that I have always admired about her – that endeared her to me even before we became close friends – was her vivacious ability to laugh and to play – to be loud and boisterous in such an appropriate, joyful, giggly, fun, and memorable sort of way.
Puzzled, I asked myself “How can it be that a trait that I find so disgusting and fearful in myself – a trait that I find myself frequently projecting onto others in a judgmental way – is a trait that I so admire and cherish in my dear friend Rose?”
My mind flashed back to my early youth when I too had felt that joyful, loud, boisterous spirit. I painfully remembered how my spirit had been beaten down by well-meaning others. Much of that joyful spirit was quickly buried under the guise of not allowing my feminine personality traits to surface – trying to blend in and to not draw unwelcome attention to myself – trying to be invisible.
I recalled many times in my life where I had genuinely laughed out loud, only to be told by others that my behavior was loud, inappropriate, irreverent, etc… Over and over again, throughout my life, I have repeatedly pushed this part of myself deeper and deeper into the dungeon, slamming the door and throwing away the key. I realized that even today, the occasion is rare when I allow myself to laugh uncontrollably – for fear that my style of laughing might be judged by others.
Early in my contemplation of these facts, a deep sorrow surfaced from within my soul. I began to sob with grief over how I had allowed this beautiful, joyful, loving, genuine part of my personality to be so abused and suppressed. My jaw began to shake as the tears flowed like a flash flood. For close to thirty minutes I simply curled up on my bed and rolled with the intense sorrowful emotion. The experience was both exhausting and rejuvenating. After finishing, if I hadn’t been in silence, I would have run to the nearest mountain top and screamed out in jubilation “I am free.” No-one will ever put me in bondage again. Then Serious Sam piped in and said “Control yourself, you don’t want people to judge you for inappropriate laughing.”
As the tears died down and I returned to converse with Loud Lucy and Boisterous Betty, I asked them what their gifts were. They reminded me that their gifts are “humor, laughter, healing, joy, friendships, giggles, a playful zest for life, love, self-love, love for others, love for the seeming unlovable – a complete letting go of all judgment.”
As I asked them what they need from me in order to be whole, they answered, “Let us out when appropriate. Let us breathe. Love us, hold us, embrace us, and integrate us.”
Somehow, in the future when I am around others who are being loud and boisterous, I think I will see them with a completely new perspective. Perhaps I will let down my twisted up hair braids and join them rather than judge them.
* * * * *
Exhausted after talking to Lucy and Betty, I reluctantly asked Obnoxious Olga to take a walk with me.
Almost immediately, I realized that Obnoxious Olga was the spitting image of a former business partner – a woman that I had befriended in the year 2000, several years after my major life transitions – a woman with whom I had felt deeply prompted to invest a great deal of my retirement money in a beauty salon. My former friend ended up abusing my trust, embezzling money for personal use, greatly mismanaging the salon, and launching me on a difficult-but-powerful journey of personal growth and self-discovery.
Even to this day, when I think of this former friend, I see an ugly face that obnoxiously stares back at me, haunting me. Yes, I believe I have healed through the whole situation, and I could actually be genuinely happy and pleasant if I found myself around her in a social situation – but I find it quite interesting that her face still comes up as my Obnoxious Olga face.
I asked Olga what gifts she could possibly have for me. She replied that she gives me the courage to stop thinking, worrying, or even caring about what others think about me. She gives me the courage to be my true self – all aspects of myself – even if they are not necessarily “normal.”
When I asked her what she needs from me to feel whole, she replied: “Stop hating me. Show me a little gratitude. Recognize my contributions to your life. Yes, I am different – not like other normal people – but that is perfect. I am one-hundred percent genuinely ME. Please acknowledge that and learn from that.”
* * * * *
With my afternoon rapidly disappearing, and my emotional strength quickly diminishing, I decided to attempt one more healing conversation before my 5:00 p.m. meditation. Reluctantly, I invited Lazy Larry to take a walk with me.
As I imagined Lazy Larry, his appearances caused slight judgment in me. His hair was unkempt, teeth not brushed, and clothes were quite sloppy. His tank top was grass-stained, and his beer belly hung out over his wrinkled, worn and tattered shorts. Larry gave me the distinct feeling of someone who loved living the simple life, not driven by appearance or false notions of worldly success. Instead, he just wants to enjoy nature, to enjoy being alive.
As I asked Larry what gift he had for me, he replied “Leisure, relief from work, work, work.” He reminded me that true success is not about money, job, clothes, perfection, or a house with a white picket fence. As I talked to Lazy Larry, I recognized an old friend, but realized that I am still resisting him at times. I could feel the sense of peace and freedom that he offers me in my life.
“What do you need from me to be whole?” I asked.
“Love me. Quit rejecting me.” Larry replied.” You know you want to be more like me, to learn from me – to live off the land – to need less, to do less. I want you to thank me for what I have already shown to you, and allow me to help you even more.”
Somehow, after my conversation with Larry, I believe that I will think twice before allowing myself to look at another human being with judgment about their laziness. Perhaps, instead, I will join them in their quest for simply “being”.
* * * * *
After meditation last night, I was emotionally drained. I was literally in bed at 6:45 p.m., and actually having dreams before 9:00 p.m. at which time I awoke for my first of many restroom runs.
On this beautiful Sunday morning, as I catch up on my writing, I am actually anxious to find time to sit down with many of my other disowned personality traits. I recognize that, due to the large number of names on my list, this process will take some time. I have no intention of rushing through the list all in one sitting. I don’t want anyone’s time to be shortchanged. I will take as much time as is needed for each part of myself that has been rejected, disowned, pushed away, abused, and ignored.
I already feel so much closer to Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Boisterous Betty, Obnoxious Olga and Lazy Larry. I realize that each of them has blessed me in so many ways. By embracing these disowned parts of myself, I have already noticed the absence of feeling a need to judge others in which I see similar traits.
I cannot wait to make many more internal friends – and I know that each friendship with my self will only deepen my connection with spirit, serving to remove external projections of judgment onto others.
Let the rest of my day begin.
* * * * *
On an interesting side note, I started noting my computer began crashing quite a lot about 10 days ago. The crashes seemed to be related to my Mobile Internet USB device. Each time that I uninstalled and reinstalled the device, my laptop resumed stability – for a while that is.
As my silence grew nearer, my computer began to crash ever more frequently. As of yesterday, it got to the point where I found it nearly impossible to use my mobile internet without crashing every five minutes.
I simply giggle as I realize that the Universe is telling me that I am still trying to be online too much. I need to back off and only get online for the bare minimum of time. As of yesterday my internet subscription expired. I am seriously considering letting it stay that way – only going to the local internet café when needed, so that I can post occasional blog entries. I love how the Universe works …
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved