Brenda's Bicycles

Sun Spots: Episode 5

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Monday, July 12 – 11:15 a.m.

Yesterday was both a difficult and a wonderful day. I awoke quite early and did a final edit through my very awkward (but loving) email to my former spouse. Knowing deeply in my heart that I was doing exactly what spirit was guiding me to do, I finally positioned my mouse cursor over the send button, bit my lip, held my breath, and pressed the send button.

My head continued to ask “What the heck are you doing?”  My heart peacefully reminded me that I was honoring spiritual guidance to do a very difficult and unpleasant thing – a task that my Pisces, conflict-avoiding nature simply did not want to do. But I remained true to my promptings, maintaining internal integrity with my inner guides. The feeling was quite bittersweet – knowing that my action may be seen as hurting someone that I still love, while at the same time recognizing that the action will create the opportunity for great growth and freedom on both sides.

For a while, I simply sat in a swamp of mixed emotions, letting the feelings settle while I aimlessly played solitaire on my computer. About an hour later, I finally left my cocoon, did a small Tarot reading on myself to ask for guidance, re-centered myself, and walked out of my front door on my way to get some breakfast.

Almost immediately, Narkis, one of our Sun Course group (from Israel), saw me and invited me to go to breakfast with her and Katie (another fellow Sun Course student). Narkis had been asking me random questions for a few days, and I kept putting off the answers, telling her I would answer later. At breakfast, the perfect opportunity arose when Narkis again began to ask questions about my current emotional journey.

“I will have to share my life story with you before I can answer that.” I told her and Katie. “Do you want me to do that?”

The next hour was filled with me talking and them eating French toast while mine got cold. I realized yesterday that I have literally reached a point in my life where I have absolutely no fear about sharing my once-shameful story – zero fear about what people might think of me.

The conversation was beautiful and inspiring. Narkis gave me considerable insight into several of my dreams – perhaps the most profound was her suggestion that the young boy sitting by me in the boat in the middle of the Caribbean – the same young boy who told me that we were in Astral – was myself as a child – and that the woman I was later talking to – the one who told me to “Forget everything you know … and to Lower your defenses” – could be myself in the future. A strong feeling told me that I need to meditate on those thoughts – something I have not yet done.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday, July 11, 2010, was the 19^th birthday of Las Piramides del Ka. On July 11, 1991, in the midst of a full solar eclipse over Lake Atitlan, Chaty first dedicated the pyramid center for spiritual work. Interestingly, yesterday was also a full solar eclipse – not here in Guatemala, but in Chile.

In honor of the birthday, we spent our afternoon in silence, and then had a special birthday celebration in the temple last night at 7:00 p.m.. Thirty-eight of us were in the temple, all dressed in white, for a beautiful spiritual ceremony – an experience that I will never forget. Twenty-one of us were the current Moon and Sun courses, the rest were Chaty and former Sun Course graduates who were in the area. Afterwards we enjoyed a large potluck dinner. When I excused myself to return to my room at 9:45 p.m., most people were still partying in the common area.

I fully intended to go to bed, but found myself rereading my now-sent email letter, still rebalancing my emotions, making sure that my heart was filled with love. I finally went to bed shortly after midnight, feeling deep peace in my heart – realizing that my spiritual trust and integrity was carrying me into the next phase of my life – a phase that I could not have entered while still carrying old emotional issues around in my soul.

In the middle of the early morning I was awakened by a strong need to run to the restroom. I glanced at my clock which read 3:30 a.m.. As I continued to rest under the covers, with my knees both bent and my feet close to my hips, I felt the sensation of something moving the lower cuffs of my pajama bottoms, brushing them against my shin.

“That was strange!” I told myself, wondering if I was still dreaming. I checked my legs to make sure there was nothing in the bed with me, replaced my covers and resumed my position. Again I felt the same sensation of my pajama bottoms being moved under the covers, rubbing against my leg for the second time. This time I knew that I was not dreaming, and I again checked under the covers to look for a cause. As I began to replace my sheet over my legs, I again felt my pajamas move between my shins, and this time I actually witnessed the tail end of the movement.

Immediately a wave of spiritual recognition rushed through my soul while a strong tingling energy vibrated throughout my body. I remembered the two previous early-morning times when I had felt three distinct pushes on the foot of my bed – as if someone were sitting on either side of my feet and then standing up again. The second time that happened was in April, 2009, when I had my dream about the bicycles, string, and bees – the same powerful and vivid dream that continues to guide me on today’s journey.

I immediately sensed in my heart that those three movements to my pajamas were another clever signal from my three guides. A sense of knowing told me that my guides had been waiting for me to resolve past emotional issues before taking me forward to new growth experiences.

Immediately I felt a strong need and desire to relax into deep meditation – to open myself to listen to whatever message might be coming my way. The first message that actually came was “Get up and go to the bathroom now … we will wait.” I just giggled as I ran to the bathroom and hurried back to my room.

When I returned, I reclined in a fully relaxed position on my bed, and was soon enjoying what felt like a mild whirlpool of energy gently pulsing through my body. I grabbed a quartz crystal and placed it on my third-eye, feeling like I needed to make myself available for an Astral travel attempt – being completely unattached to what might actually happen – but hoping for an out-of-body experience.

What did happen was a very long period of lying completely still, relaxed, intensely conscious, and focused in concentrated, alert meditation. The energy continued to flow through my body in an energizing, dancing sort of way, teasing me, with small surges and then slowing down. I continued to focus with my entire consciousness, determined to be awake and present in the moment.

I never again checked my clock, but I am guessing that I fell asleep sometime between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m. – but I still did not move. When I came back to awareness at 6:30 a.m., I was still completely relaxed, flat on my back, with the quartz crystal still standing upright on my forehead.

I have no idea what the purpose of this morning’s meditation experience might have been – but I do know that the energy was amazing, and I am excited to see what happens next.

*  *  *  *  *

On another note, in case you can’t tell, I am quite blown away by how the Tarot cards seem to be speaking to me. We have now learned the basics of interpreting all of the cards – both in their relation to the Kabala Tree of Life, and also to their use in spiritual readings. Chaty has asked us to practice on ourselves, and as I do, the cards that keep coming up for me as I examine my emotional and spiritual journey always seem to be 100% in tune with where I believe that I am in my journey.

My resistance to the Sun Course has completely melted away. I eagerly look forward to internalizing everything I can, lowering my defenses, opening my mind to new ideas, and immersing myself in the spiritual energy that flows with most all my experiences. I find that my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs have been extremely valuable in helping me to understand the deeper meaning of Kabala and Tarot symbolisms, and I have yet to feel like what I am learning is in conflict with my deeply held spiritual intuitions in any way.

If I had remained closed-minded, refusing to sincerely study new topics, I would have been missing out on all of this growth.

Tuesday, July 13 – 7:15 p.m.

Wow – what an emotion-filled day. This morning, I was fully aware that one year ago today was the day that we buried my dear sweet mother – and that just a couple hours after the funeral I was synchronously blessed with the opportunity to be in the room with my mother-in-law when she also took her final breaths. To top it off, today would have been my mother’s 95^th birthday.

But I mostly didn’t think about last year’s events until this evening in meditation. Deep peace continues to fill my heart regarding the passing of both of the dear sweet mother-figures in my life. My memories of that beautiful but exhausting day, exactly one year ago, are filled with gratitude and deep spiritual synchronicities.

The real emotion today started shortly after noon, when I was finally able to get a reliable Skype connection with which I could contact my bank. I had an errand to perform – one which I dreaded – one which I knew that I absolutely must do. As I ended the call, knowing that automated support payments to my former wife had been terminated, my heart was overwhelmed with confusing emotions.

Yes, I continued to feel a deep peace, knowing that what I had done was exactly what I had been prompted to do – exactly what I knew that I must do. Yet at the same time I also felt emotionally numb, almost empty. For several years I have known that this day had to happen. For several years I have dreaded the potential emotional backlash that might occur when it did. Following a prompting that did not result in immediate Joy is an uncommon experience for me – an experience that I hope to not have to repeat many times in my life.

This evening, before meditation, I spent some time trying to re-center myself spiritually, but I was still feeling disconnected and numb. As I was about to head out the door, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a single card on which to meditate. The card was the three of Pentacles – a card which in normal readings means usually means something like “ability to communicate/work/be-in-agreement with others.”

“That is an interesting card to choose for meditation.” I silently thought to myself as I walked down to the pyramid temple, wondering what possible message this card might have fore me.

As I began meditating, it did not take long for me to start exploring all possible symbolism of the card. One of the symbolic meanings really hit home on an intuitive front. In the Tarot deck, each of the cards numbered one through ten (in all four suits) corresponds to one of the ten spheres (sephiroth) in the Kabala Tree of Life. It so happens that the three of pentacles corresponds with the third sphere of the Tree of Life in the physical/material realm. This third sphere is called “Binah” (which means Understanding) – but one of the symbolic meanings associated with Binah is “The Mother of Creation.”

As my meditation intuitively guided me to this alternative title, my heart immediately latched onto the realization that this card was telling me to meditate on the mother that created me in the physical world. My heart filled with deep gratitude as I let my meditation wander through many wonderful memories from both of the two mother figures in my life.

During the second half of tonight’s meditation, Chaty took us through a guided meditation to our childhood, beginning at age twenty-one, and then regressing all the way down to our five-year-old self.

As I pondered my feelings and emotions at each of those life stages, one thing that jumped out at me over and over is how I was constantly feeling as if I had to please others in order to be deserving of their love and affection. I realized that even in my younger childhood, I was desperately focused on trying to “win” my parent’s love by behaving in a manner that I believed would make them happy and proud.

As the meditation neared an end, as Chaty guided us back to the present moment, an underlying wave of emotion was beginning to surface with a vengeance. I realized that one of the primary reasons that I have had such a hard time dealing with my present “support money” situation is that I have again been petrified by the fear of what might happen if I don’t do things to try to win the love and approval of my family.

As I left the pyramid temple, I felt drawn to my favorite tree in the medicinal garden, where I again placed my hands on its smooth, energy-filled bark. I reconnected with the tree’s grounding earth energy, and again felt its deep affinity with the elements of air, water, and fire. As I stood there with my arms outstretched, tears began to stream rapidly down my cheeks.

Returning to my room, I curled up on my bed, and allowed the emotions to surface freely. The emotion went all the way back to childhood – expressing deep sadness at having to always pretend to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be – to do what I thought they wanted me to do – always being concerned with the opinions of others – always sacrificing the fancies of my heart in order to make sure that I did not disappoint others – always feeling afraid to express my true inner self.

The emotion came bursting out in the form of deep sobs and teeth-chattering shakes, lasting for about fifteen minutes. It then ended as quickly as it began. With those emotions finally released, I again felt happy, spiritually balanced, and ready to get up and to write.

I am fully aware that this emotional roller coaster ride may not yet be over – but I am fully committed to stay present, to maintain my spiritual balance, and to go wherever the ride takes me. There is no doubt that all of this is for my growth – and for the growth of my family.

Wednesday, July 14 – 7:15 p.m.

I had a vague dream last night. I did not quite understand the few details that I could recall. I only remember that I had been meeting with a large group of people who were all preparing to embark on a cross-country journey. I was concerned about how I would get transportation, since I did not have my own. I barely recollect that a friend had offered to let me ride with them – but then my oldest son came into the dream and told me that he had room in the back seat of his truck, and that I could make the journey with them. As he invited me, I realized that my whole family would be participating in the journey, and I wondered about the awkwardness that might ensue based on the events of this past two weeks. At this point I woke up, believing the dream to be nonsense – but in an effort to keep a personal commitment to myself, I wrote it down anyway.

Before yoga this morning, I remembered that Chaty told us that we can use a Tarot reading to help us to interpret our dreams, so I decided to give it a quick try. I opted to do a quite large and detailed layout, with a three sided pyramid (triangle), with seven cards on each side – the right side representing the past (leading up to the dream), the bottom representing the dream itself, and the left side representing the future (after the dream).

I was not quite sure what to expect, and I had to draw a couple of extra cards for clarification, but the results were amazing. What I ended up figuring out is that the cross-country trip was the long emotional journey in which my family is now engaging as a result of my promptings to stop support payments. I felt a deep sense of gratitude that my son invited me to make the trip with him – implying a desire to communicate and offer loving support. The cards seemed to confirm that there would be emotional tests and obstacles to work through, but that the outcome would be great spiritual strength, emotional balance and self control – powerful growth for everyone.

I found it quite fun to interpret a dream using Tarot as an intuitive trigger – and I loved the interpretation that came as a result. I know that spiritual guidance is always win-win (even though it may not look that way), and I totally believe that the outcome of my family’s cross-country journey will indeed be great and positive growth for all.

*  *  *  *  *

This afternoon, just an hour after returning from breakfast, a couple of Moon Course acquaintances walked by and we had a really bonding conversation as we discussed deep spiritual topics. One of them excused herself while I continued to talk to the other (Jody). Minutes later, a different Moon Course young woman (Sara) (that I had never officially met) walked up and invited Jody to lunch. As they started to leave, Jody looked over her shoulder, and on the spur of the moment asked if I wanted to go to lunch with them.

My initial reaction was to say “Thanks, but I just ate breakfast barely an hour ago.” But as those words were leaving my tongue I paused and found myself listening to a prompting. Seconds later, I was saying “Yes, I am not very hungry, but I could have a burrito or something … I would love to go.”

As the three of us walked to a delightful little restaurant down by the lake that has a beautiful view, I felt a strong energy confirming that I would be sharing my story. I love sharing my background and my experiences from my spiritual journey, and could easily talk nonstop for many hours about the amazing growth experiences that continue to guide me on this journey. Because of this, I always first check in with my heart to make sure that my desire to share is not based on ego. Today my feelings clearly confirmed that I would be sharing, and ego was not the reason.

As we engaged in deep spiritual conversation while waiting for lunch, Sara and I were constantly looking at each other with amazement as we realized that our beliefs were nearly identical regarding everything that we discussed. About thirty minutes into the conversation, someone asked me a question that was a perfect lead-in to me asking if they wanted me to share my story. For ninety minutes, I talked almost nonstop while my burrito went cold. I kept checking in with them to make sure I was not boring them to death, but they kept begging me so share more of my journey. I love how spirit works.

As a result of that conversation, I now have two more fun friends here at the pyramids, and I was gifted with the opportunity to do my first Tarot reading ever for another person. This afternoon, I did a reading for Jody – a reading that turned out to be a great experience for both of us. Friday afternoon I will be doing one for Sara. Did I say yet that I am really feeling a deep connection with the spiritual symbolism of the cards?

I am really starting to feel at home here, and every day I grow more excited with the energy that I feel – energy telling me that I am in for an exciting ride.

Saturday, July 17 – 6:45 p.m.

Wow, what an up-and-down roller coaster ride these last three days have been. Thursday after class I took a boat ride into Panajachel to run errands – to get more money at the bank, renew my mobile internet, buy flashlight batteries, red cloth, and more peanut butter, etc…

As I returned on the 2:30 p.m. boat, I felt drained and exhausted as I struggled to stay awake during the boat ride. While returning to my room shortly after 3:15, I felt a deep need to take a nap, but I instead ended up spending all of my afternoon time staring blankly at my computer screen, simply playing mind-numbing games. For some reason, after having been in such a spiritual environment here in San Marcos, a trip to other places has a way of knocking me off center – removing me from my state of spiritual connectedness. Whenever I feel spiritually disconnected, one of the first things I notice is that I feel tired and distracted.

Thursday evening, after our normal thirty minutes of silent meditation, Chaty led us in a “Past Life Regression” meditation. This is a repeat of the process that I did in my Moon Course where I ended up seeing myself as a fisherman in Peru, a single father raising a young girl by myself – the same regression that turned out to be such a powerful guilt-healing experience. In this week’s Thursday evening meditation, I had the distinct impression that I was the son of an artistic sculptor, working on constructing the pyramids of Egypt. I loved playing in the sand and watching my father work. Eventually, I became a sculptor myself, taking over in my father’s stead. I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of this regression, but I do know that I have struggled with suppressed creativity in this lifetime. Perhaps recognizing that I had a very artistic and creative past life can help me to add creative perspective to my present experience.

After meditation on Thursday evening, I went to dinner with about 20 people from here at the pyramid center. One of our Sun Course participants (Marcel) was celebrating his birthday and we all joined in to help celebrate. Prior to heading over to the restaurant, I felt quite resistant. I was feeling so spiritually centered after the meditation that I would have preferred to simply go back to my room, write in my journal, and meditate some more. But I did go to dinner, and it turned out to be a great experience. I am grateful that I followed my promptings and participated socially – the first such evening outing that I have made since beginning the Sun Course four weeks ago.

*  *  *  *  *

On Friday afternoon, I facilitated my second Tarot card reading, this one being for Sara from the Moon Course. I am so impressed with Sara. At only 23, she seems to have such a beautiful connection with the subconscious world – she could easily be my teacher.

I had a very humbling and humorous experience Friday evening in Meditation. I had been wrestling with a bad case of intestinal gas for over 24 hours, and had recently begun taking some grapefruit seed extract pills that seem to help tremendously with intestinal parasites (things like Giardia, Amoeba, and other fun little creatures are extremely common here in San Marcos). After finishing our thirty minutes of silent meditation, we had just barely reclined on our mats in preparation for a guided meditation.

I attempted to silently and inconspicuously release some unpleasant gaseous pressure in my abdomen. To my shock, the sound of a loud and unexpected fart suddenly rumbled forth from my posterior. Within about 5 seconds, the majority of the room burst out in uncontrollable laughter. To my surprise, rather than feeling embarrassed, I simply joined in and enjoyed a wonderful laugh. The laughter was contagious, lasting for almost ten minutes. Each time we almost had ourselves under control, someone in the room would lose it once again, and we would all burst into unbridled, uncontainable giggles.

Since we were all lying down, I was not quite sure if anyone knew exactly where the origin of the ghastly sound had come from – but I knew it did not matter. The old me would have been horrified and ashamed – the new me just had fun with the present moment, lowering my guard. The whole experience reminded me of a dear spiritual-teacher and friend of mine who frequently reminded us to remember to laugh. In fact, one of my goals here at my retreat has been to smile more, to feel a more joyful and to be more playful relaxed presence in all of my activities.

I am happy to report that I succeeded admirably in this goal on Friday evening.

After meditation, I went out for the second night in a row. The plan was to have dinner with one of the women from the Moon Course (Amy), but it ended up being a group of eight of us that enjoyed a fun Friday evening together. Again, I almost backed out, but am grateful that I took the time away from my studies and meditation to simply enjoy the strengthening of a few more social connections.

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to feel quite connected to others, both in the Sun Course, and in the current Moon Course too.

*  *  *  *  *

My most recent emotional roller coaster, however, started this morning, Saturday, July 17, 2010.

Because of a worldwide meditation for peace that was taking place this morning at 8:00 a.m. Guatemala time, our normal Saturday classes were moved to Sunday so that we could all participate. This morning, a large group of us climbed the hill just to the west of San Marcos – the same hill where I sometimes go to experience some alone time with nature.

As I was waiting for the ceremonies to begin, Narkis (from the Sun Course) began to ask me lots of questions about my relationship with my children. In the process of trying to explain the awkward dynamic that exists – lots of love, yet a difficulty in communicating – I began to feel very sad. All week I have been successfully fighting back self-defeating and worrisome thoughts about how the act of following my recent promptings may (or may not) affect my relationship with my wonderful children. Today’s sad feelings, however, got the best of me, and pulled me into a very reflective and emotionally withdrawn mood.

I loved the 8:00 a.m. meditation ceremony led by Chaty – a beautiful ceremony where a large group of over forty people from around San Marcos were sitting in a large outdoor circle, surrounded by nature on all sides.

I also thoroughly enjoyed a 10:30 a.m. fire ceremony that was subsequently held in the very same place – this one being led by a Mayan Shaman. But during the time in between these two ceremonies, I found myself longing for a quiet place to hide and cry.

Shortly before 1:00 p.m., as the beautiful Mayan Ceremony ended, I hurried back down the hill to the seclusion of my room – but instead of curling up on my bed I felt an urge to first go out and get some lunch at the Blue Lily café. As I ordered my vegetarian pizza, I sat and visited with Christina – my casual friend who now works quite often at my favorite tiny restaurant. We have continued to have fun chats now and then, ever since we first met at the café in late June – but I had still never felt a prompting to share my story with her.

This afternoon, I found myself sitting just a few feet away from Christina – and for the first time in a long time, she was not working – she was relaxed and simply enjoying a day off. After a few minutes of conversation, I began to unexpectedly cry. Feeling embarrassed, I tried to push down the tears, but Christina urged me to open up and share what was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up greatly deepening yet another friendship by sharing my life story once again.

This is getting to be such a common occurrence that it seems like a non-story, yet every single time that I open up and share what were once deep dark secrets, my heart seems to heal even more. For me, such experiences are incredibly powerful, even though they are becoming ever so common in my daily life.

Amazingly, as I shared my stories with Christina, my depression simply melted away and was replaced with joy and peace.

But the break in my roller coaster ride was short lived. As I returned to my room, I again found myself excessively preoccupied with what might be going on back home, worrying that everyone might be angry at me for being such a mean horrible person for following my difficult promptings.

Immediately before meditation tonight, I was still lost in a spiritually-detached state. I pulled a quick Tarot card on which to meditate, and to my dismay the card was probably the worst in the deck – the ten of swords – a card which indicates a “bottom of the barrel” feeling in the realm of mental thoughts. I believe the universe was trying to tell me that I need to pull myself out of my negative woe-is-me thinking pattern that has been shadowing me occasionally throughout the week – especially today.

Interestingly enough, during the second half of this evening’s meditation, we again worked with oracle cards – this time the cards that we worked with were the 22 Major Arcana cards of the Tarot deck.

The card that I intuitively selected during this meditation process was a card representing Judgment Day, when the tombs are opened and the dead are raised to return to God’s presence. In terms of our spiritual journey, the main significance of this card is to represent the awakening and rebirth process in our own spiritual lives.

As I meditated peacefully on this second card, the message suddenly hit me. The Universe was very subtly reminding me that my spiritual responsibility in this lifetime is to awaken myself. It is not my job to worry about whether my children may or may not be angry at me; it is not my task to try to make anyone else like me or understand me. My one and only responsibility in this life is to spiritually awaken within myself.

In a unique and powerful way, Spirit reminded me tonight that my task is to respond to the internal promptings of my heart – to judge no one – to send unconditional love to everyone – and to heal myself.

As I catch up my writing on this beautiful Saturday evening, I once again am blessed with a rich and spiritually penetrating peaceful feeling – a strong knowing in my heart that I need simply respond to promptings – Spirit will take care of the remaining details.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved