(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Saturday, July 3 – 8:15 p.m.
I had my first encounter with a live scorpion in my room this morning. I have a tiny open-topped bag that serves as a minimal purse – a small zippered pocket for money and a slightly larger pouch in which I keep a pen, my eye glasses, and a few miscellaneous papers.
This morning at 8:25, as I grabbed my eye glasses to take with me to class, I noticed some type of spider that fell out of my eyeglass case onto my notebook. At first it was all curled up and I could not tell what it was. Suddenly it relaxed and took its real shape. It was a small scorpion, with a body perhaps three-fourths of an inch long and a tail that was about an inch long. I wanted to let it go outside, but it jumped off my notebook onto my floor. I tried to step on it, but it ran to my entryway. Before it could disappear beneath a grass floor mat, I whacked it with my umbrella. No way did I want it to be hiding out by my shoes under the floor mats in my room.
I feel bad that I killed the poor creature, but the thought of getting a scorpion sting right now is not exactly inviting. I have heard several scorpion stories around San Marcos, but this is the first I have actually seen here in Guatemala. Mine was a baby compared to most I have heard about.
* * * * *
Tonight in meditation, we drew oracle cards during the second half – and then meditated on them. The cards that we used tonight were of Hindu origin, and were simply cards with inspired messages on them. At the end of our first thirty minutes of silent meditation, I pondered deeply the fact that tonight I wanted to draw a card that would help me know what I need to do to move forward on my path. As I observed the layout of cards, I noted that a single large deck of cards had been split into three groupings on three sides of the center pyramid. My intuition strongly told me to choose a card from the third grouping – and to select the fourth card from the left.
When I went to the front of the room, I still felt deeply guided to that same card. The card was titled “The Sacred Om”, and the text was all about the significance of “Om.” My intuition strongly told me that I need to raise my vibrations – not just in meditation, but in my every day activities. I need to approach every situation with more spiritual energy and conscious presence. I am really looking forward to focusing on this goal as I move forward with each moment of this retreat.
Sunday, July 4 – 7:00 p.m.
One year ago today I boarded a plane on the island of Cozumel, headed for a brief sixteen-day trip back home. As my plane screeched down on the tarmac, late on that Saturday night in Salt Lake City, I had one main thought on my mind – the rapidly deteriorating health of my dear mother. As I reminisce tonight about my precious last moments with my sweet mother, I feel a deep gratitude for her continuing influence in my life. I find it quite difficult to believe that a year has already passed since I took the first steps of that amazingly synchronous trip back to Utah.
Today has been a day of reflecting and study – but mostly study. I must have read for at least six or seven hours today, pushing my mind to the point of burnout. Our three month Sun Course is divided into two main sections. During the first fifty days, Chaty has asked us to fill up our mind with a base of intellectual knowledge about the Tree of Life, Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, Alchemy, Emerald Tablet, and all of the complex mazes of symbolism involved with each.
During the final forty days our entire focus will shift. Throughout those final six weeks we will be in silence, eating a gradually restricting diet, and meditating for a great portion of the day. The purpose of our meditations will be to internalize the symbolisms into our subconscious, seeking our own personal experiences with the divine.
After studying for much of today, I am actually looking forward to finishing up the study phase.
Tuesday, July 6 – 9:00 p.m.
Yesterday and today, I didn’t have a whole lot to talk about. Both days were quite routine – filled with yoga, Tarot class, evening meditation, and lots (and I mean lots) of studying – trying to cram my brain with additional information on the Tree of Life, Astrology, and Tarot.
But tonight, all of that has changed. I just now ate my standard peanut butter and honey sandwiches and banana, more than two hours later than normal.
As I left evening meditation, I wandered through the medicinal garden here at the pyramids, and I connected with the very same tree that I connected with after our “Om Meditation” a few nights ago. As I placed my hands on the smooth bark of the tree’s branches, I felt a powerful energy exchange, and I found myself subconsciously connecting with the four elements that sustain the tree’s life.
I felt the incredible stability and life-giving power of the earth below, into which the tree’s roots sink deeply in search of nutritional sustenance and physical support. Likewise, I felt, on a deep personal level, the importance and function of water, air, and fire in the tree’s life cycle (fire being the energy of the sun).
As I slowly walked away from that tree, I experienced a new and personal appreciation for the elements – but that appreciation had not yet gelled into full understanding.
One thing that had gelled many times previously, however, was my strong resistance toward embracing the elements, especially toward the element earth which represents the physical world. As discussed in a different post, it is my deep belief that this physical world is an illusion – and as a result, I had no desire to waste my time connecting with an illusion.
As I was nearing my room, I stopped for a short chat with Sandra. I felt prompted to ask her about her experiences in using the Tarot as a personal do-it-yourself guide to help her through her Sun Course growth processes. She began to describe what she does, after which one thing led to another, and soon she simply suggested that we do a trial reading together. Fifteen minutes later, we had the cards spread out on a scarf on the floor of my room.
My question was “What do I need to do in my current spiritual path to begin making more progress through my Sun Course Processes?” We did a Celtic-Cross layout, and I used my intuition to select each card. I was amazed at how the meaning of the cards (each and every single one of them) fit so perfectly with my question. The whole experience was quite energizing and inspiring.
But even more amazing was our subsequent discussion that just ended a few minutes ago. Sandra and I have so much in common on our spiritual paths and our beliefs about the world and the Universe. And even with her being only 23 years old, I totally see her as being my spiritual teacher and as my reflection. She has had some incredible energy and meditation experiences over the past few weeks, and she has so much to teach to me about how to raise my vibrations and to meditate more effectively.
As our conversation was beginning to wind down, we somehow began to talk about the four elements. I mentioned how much I have resisted connecting with the physical, and she expressed the exact same feelings – but she has only recently realized that connecting with the physical earth is critical as a “grounding element” in the spiritual connecting process.
As Sandra was talking, a powerful wave of recognition shot through my own awareness. I suddenly connected with the fact that my most profound spiritual growth began six years ago last month when I experienced a deep life-changing connection with nature at the top of a wilderness mountain in north-central Utah. After that amazing spiritual experience in June, 2004, I made a firm commitment to return to the mountains – by myself – on an almost-weekly basis in an effort to repeatedly reconnect with that divine energy that had so deeply energized my soul. Honoring that self-commitment has been a huge blessing in my life.
I almost laughed at myself as I realized what I was telling Sandra. Over the last six years my spiritual path has been largely fueled by a deep connection with the earth – the physical element. It is so ironic that my strongest resistance has been about embracing that same element. Tonight, as I prepare for bed, I feel a new and deepened connection to Mother Nature and to the physical earth that provides stability and nourishment to all life on the planet.
I still believe this earthly existence to be an illusion, but I will certainly embrace the elements that sustain my soul as long as I continue to find myself walking around barefoot with my toes in the soil of this dream world.
Thursday, July 8 – 7:00 p.m.
The past two days have been two more examples of study, study, and study some more. I have a feeling that the next five or six weeks will be very similar. The good thing is that I am really enjoying these studies. I am finding the information that I am gleaning to be quite fascinating, and I look forward to the time when I can meditate deeply on each element.
When I participated in the Moon Course, I took advantage of a couple of “kneeling” meditation benches – the kind of bench on which I could sit while kneeling down with my legs sticking out under the bench behind me. As I began the Sun Course, I instinctively wanted to use the same benches (there are only a couple of them), but a little internal feeling urged me to learn to sit on the lower-down benches, with my legs crossed.
For the past week and a half, I have been using these more traditional benches. They are only a few inches high, with a sight slant to them. I continue to struggle with my feet going to sleep and my hips aching, but I am pushing myself relentlessly, refusing to give up on my quest for meditative flexibility.
One side-effect of this intensive knee twisting is that the muscles in my lower-left back began to hurt slightly during the early part of last week, and gradually, the muscles seem to be worse and worse. For many days now, I have wondered if the back pain is due to my hard mattress with uneven ridges on one side. I know that some mattresses have caused me to have back pain in the past. Then I have also speculated that all of the daily yoga stretching is taking its toll – but I believe the stretching is actually helping to alleviate the pain. It has only been the last two or three days that I have begun to suspect that the pain is related to my sore hip muscles which are in turn pulling on my back muscles.
Through all of the pain, I have maintained a very positive attitude, refusing to let it stop me from daily functioning. I continue to go to yoga every morning, and I continue to sit on that low bench with crossed legs for long periods twice each day. Whenever I sit, stand, or bend, I have to do it very carefully and consciously, but I do it anyway.
Last night, a brilliant flash of insight entered my mind. I will utilize my painful back muscles to help me practice lucid dreaming.
I am still passionately desirous of developing my dream skills – and one of the main exercises for waking up while still dreaming is to develop the habit of being present in every moment of the normal daytime hours. Another critical exercise is to constantly ask yourself if you are dreaming, touching objects and asking is this physical or is this astral – etc. The idea is that if you develop the habit of questioning reality during normal activities, that you will then do the same while dreaming in the astral realms. This greatly increases the likelihood of waking up while still inside a dream.
So, to make this long story short, last night I started using my pain as a trigger to ask myself if I am dreaming. Today, all day long, I have gotten really proficient at remembering to question my reality. The whole practice has greatly helped me to be more present in each moment – more aware of what is going on around me. Who would have guessed that a strong back pain could be used for such a creative purpose? I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole back-pain was given to me for this very reason, and that it will resolve itself as soon as I internalize this skill.
* * * * *
Last night before bed, as part of my exercise to more fully ground myself with the physical realm, I surrounded myself with a small grid of crystals while lying in my bed. I started out by placing a grid of six quartz crystals around my body, smaller ones at my feet, both sides of my knees, both sides of my elbows, and a larger one at the top of my head. Then I placed a small ruby crystal (red-ish) on my root chakra, a carnelian crystal (orange) on my sacrum, a citrine crystal (yellow-ish) on my solar plexus, a green crystal over my heart, a sky-blue crystal over my throat, and a purple crystal on my forehead.
As I began to meditate, I felt an incredible wave on energy begin to dance through my body from the top of my head to the root chakra. The energy reminded me very much of a similar energy that passed through my body during a crystal healing session a couple of years ago. For almost thirty minutes I thoroughly enjoyed the sensations of the strong flowing energy.
I don’t necessarily know what I did, or what it means, but I definitely know it had something to do with raising the energy levels in my body, raising my vibrations, and learning to sense the energy that passes through my chakras. Regardless, I know that it was a wonderful experience, and I fully intend to practice and perfect my connections with the vibrating energies of crystals.
* * * * *
I had a dream this morning. I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is that I was sitting in some divine school, taking detailed notes in a lined notebook. A teacher was giving us information to write down in the notebook, and as each item was given, I repeated it carefully in my mind and then wrote down the words in my notebook.
But the only words I remember are the final words that I wrote before waking up. They were “My ego gets in the way.”
Great food for thought … that devious little ego is so sly and cunning.
Saturday, July 10 – 7:00 p.m.
Tonight before meditation group, almost as an afterthought, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a face-down card to inspire me during meditation. For the second night in a row, out of a possible 78 cards, I randomly (with intuitive guidance) selected the Ace of Cups – which signifies the deepest spiritual root of the element water, the element of emotions. I’ll talk about last night’s card later, but first, I want to talk about tonight.
As I meditated on the card, I kept thinking that it must have something to do with making sure that my emotions are balanced with love in relation to the steps I am taking related to support payments from my former marriage – but that aspect just did not resonate with me during the meditation tonight.
Then, toward the end of the second half of tonight’s meditation – during a time when we were supposed to be meditating on an archangel card, the realization hit me. The time was approximately 6:15 p.m. when the tears first started to conspicuously trickle down my cheeks. I found myself visualizing a small bedroom in an assisted living center in Orem, Utah, sitting on a double bed, stroking the cheeks of my dear sweet mother, holding her hand, telling her I love her – all the while she was taking her final breaths.
Exactly one year ago tonight, at around 6:22 p.m., my wonderful mother took her last breath in this earthly existence. I am so grateful for the opportunity to spend those final moments alone with her. I am filled with profound gratitude for the lessons in love that my dear mother unknowingly taught to me during the final several years of her life. To most people she was a very confused woman with Alzheimer’s. To me, she was a beautiful woman who taught me to see beyond outward appearances into the soul.
As tonight’s meditation neared an end at about 6:30 p.m., I was still wiping back a few tears when I noticed that I was sitting directly in front of a symbol, just three feet away, on the small middle pyramid. The symbol, a downward facing triangle, represents water, the element associated with emotion, the element associated with the Ace of Cups. Normally I sit in a different seat, but just for tonight, because a few of our Sun group were missing, I was in this different spot.
After returning to my little private pyramid bedroom, I intuitively knew that it was time to process some deep loving emotions. After avoiding the issue for about ten minutes I curled up on my bed, returned to a state of light meditation, and visualized myself visiting with my mother. One of my favorite things to do with her (since she really couldn’t do anything else) was to sing simple children songs with her. Her eyes would often light up with delight as she realized that those childhood words were still accessible in her memories. She would often smile with a look of great surprise as she joined in to sing with me.
As I rested on my bed tonight, reminiscing about these beautiful memories, I began to sing a few of those same children’s songs. Almost immediately, the loving floodgates of my eyes burst forth. The emotion was beautiful and loving; I allowed the emotional water to freely pour forth from my eyes, squeezing in notes and words of the songs between the sobs. Then, after a few songs, the emotion dried up as quickly as it began.
As I sit here typing in my room, I feel a deep loving closeness with an incredible woman who taught me my childhood lessons of love and values. Thank you Mom! I love you.
* * * * *
Last night (Friday night), I also selected a quick Tarot card before meditation at 5:00 p.m., and amazingly enough, that card was also the same Ace of Cups that I picked tonight. For the last eight days, I had been nervously awaiting a response from my former wife regarding the letter that I sent to her last week. Throughout this week I have repeatedly found a place of deep peace in my heart, knowing that I am doing the correct and inspired thing – but I have also been intuitively aware that maintaining a state of pure love during the process is critical. My promptings are clear on that one. I have fully met my obligations, and it is time to stop payments – but the process of doing so has to be handled with a balance of love and gentle firmness.
During meditation, I focused deeply on the process of exploring my emotions regarding the issue, and to my amazement, I felt solidly entrenched in that space of loving balance that I so desired to achieve.
After leaving meditation, as I sat down to write in my journal, I noticed that my much anticipated response letter had finally arrived. I was almost afraid to open it. As I did so, I was quite pleased with the tone of the letter – but not with all of the content. I knew that the time had come to write yet another letter – an even harder one. But I also knew that the Ace of Cups was a powerful message for me, and I needed to deeply explore and balance my emotions before attempting to write anything.
As I went to bed last night, I fully expected to fall right to sleep and to think about the letter in the morning. Instead, I found my mind busily churning away on the imminent task at hand. By 11:00 p.m., I was growing weary of the process and took a half sleeping pill – my first one in a long time. At midnight I was still awake with my emotional review continuing relentlessly.
The process that was going on in my head was quite intense. Repeatedly I was bombarded with not-so-loving thoughts about things that ego wanted to say in my response letter. Repeatedly I analyzed those thoughts, recognized their source, blessed them, and then replaced them with loving and balanced thoughts.
Sometime during the early morning, I believe that I must have actually gotten two or three hours of broken sleep – but it was not much. At 5:00 a.m. this morning, I finally followed my promptings and crawled back out of bed, sitting down in front of my computer to begin writing – a writing process that has continued throughout much of today.
Intuition tells me to sit on the my letter for one more night, and to edit it again tomorrow with fresh eyes – making sure that everything I say is said with loving intent and purpose. I will not send it until I feel that my goal has been met.
Writing these letters has not been fun. It has been one of the most difficult things I have done in many years. But my heart is very clear on this one. The only way I can maintain a sense of personal integrity is to honor the deep inner promptings telling me to take these extremely unpleasant steps with a loving and balanced heart.
* * * * *
On another front, my back feels slightly better this afternoon. One of the women in the Moon course convinced me that my symptoms are indicative of a pinched sciatic nerve in my left hip area. When she had me push on a specific area of my buttocks, the pain amazingly went away. When I released the pressure, I once again could hardly stand up.
During Yoga this morning, we practiced a move called the “pigeon”. I believe that the deep hip stretching actually helped to loosen the nerve. This evening, during meditation, I noticed almost no pain at all. Tonight, it is hurting again – but I just smile each time I try to stand up and ask myself “Am I dreaming?”
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