Brenda's Bicycles

(This is a continuation of writing from my previous blog entitled “Surrender and Allow.” If you have not yet read that blog, I recommend that you read it first before beginning this one.)

After a beautiful Skype conversation in which a new layer of suppressed emotions began to bubble, I enter into another interesting and unexpected flow.

First, it is the flow of soothing hot water as I stand in the delightful stream of my shower. Most residences in this part of the world do not have hot water heaters. The only water inside these homes is cold, untreated, and undrinkable. As do many people, I have an electrical showerhead that heats the water inside of the showerhead itself. I feel especially lucky to have a relatively new showerhead – one that actually delivers steaming hot spray when the water is barely flowing.

As I finish rinsing all of the shampoo out of my hair, I take a few minutes to bask in the luxurious heat of much-craved hot water, allowing the precious relaxing fluid to cover my neck and shoulders.

Suddenly a huge spark arcs above as the smell of melting electrical wires begins to permeate the air around me. By the time I turn off the faucet, the water is already running cold.

Loud Arcing Sparks

About an hour later, I hear Miguel, the young Mayan man who maintains the property, talking to someone in the garden below my balcony. Quickly running outside to capture his attention, I do my best to share the exciting saga of a sparking showerhead – doing so using a very limited Spanish vocabulary.

As Miguel examines my showerhead, trying to figure out what to do, not seeing anything visibly wrong from the outside, I suddenly notice the circuit breakers on the wall beside me. Having had the slight impression that Miguel does not fully believe me, I excitedly point out that one of the circuit breakers is in the “triggered/OFF” position. Out of curiosity, I decide to switch it back “ON.” As I do so, both Miguel and I nearly jump out of our skins.

Immediately, two large arcing sparks crackle loudly – one at the back of the showerhead, and the other just an inch below my fingertips, inside of the circuit breaker itself. The glowing sparks only last for a fraction of a second before the fuse again does what it was designed to do – but it takes me much longer to get over the jittery jolt of fear that startled me so deeply. In all my years of confidently working around electricity, I have never seen or felt a circuit breaker spark like that.

Days Of Simplicity

As Miguel again examines the burned-out showerhead, he discovers that the two lead-in wires have completely melted and fused together, creating the most direct electrical short that I have ever seen. Their insulation has completely melded together, appearing as if the wires were originally manufactured in that way.

It takes a couple of hours for Miguel to complete my repairs – first trying a couple of used showerheads that happened to be in his shed – finally running out to buy a brand new electric showerhead. I can only giggle when the wires are slightly too short. To solve the problem, Miguel quickly splices two wire scraps together.

Momentarily, I lovingly reminisce back to times in my youth when I helped my father with electrical projects – back in the days when acceptable house wiring was mostly do-it-yourself – simply wrapping ends of wire together and covering the joint with black electrical tape. As I watch Miguel work, “making do” with what he has, I experience a sense of nostalgia for those days of simplicity – days that still exist here in rural Guatemala.

Metaphorical Curiosity

As I stroll out toward Keith’s home, I begin to ponder, knowing that everything in my reality happens for a reason, wondering just why the Universe chose today to give me such a jolting metaphorical message.

“How can I apply this metaphor of short circuits, arcing electricity, and blown fuses to my current inner work process?” I contemplate with deep curiosity.

I cannot wait to find out.

A Bizarre Metaphor

“I’m going to be crying today.” I share with Keith as I greet him at his porch. “I don’t know what or why, but another layer of deep anger is bubbling at the surface, and I am eager to see where it leads.”

As the chocolate ceremony gets underway, I can only giggle with additional curiosity, noting that I have again manifested a very small ceremony surrounded by all men – Keith, two young men from Europe, and me.

Even more bizarre is a new metaphor that unfolds in front of me. In this part of Guatemala, there are large bees that Keith calls “Carpenter Bees.” Apparently, they burrow into wood, make their nests, and contribute significantly to the destruction of wooden structures. For the last two ceremonies, I have watched with giggles as Keith would, on rare occasion, stand up and chase one of these large buzzing bees away from a wooden post at the corner of his patio. Today he does something totally new.

For over ten minutes after drinking our chocolate, I observe as Keith stands up and chases one particularly persistent bee. In his hand, Keith holds a squirt bottle filled with a few strong-smelling essential oils. He stands waiting patiently for the bee to approach. When the bee finally trespasses too closely, Keith aims the squirt bottle and sprays.

Observing My Reality

Suddenly, a parallel metaphorical image floods my mind. I see my mother holding a squirt bottle, standing in the shadows, just waiting for me to do something wrong. At just the perfect moment when I begin to deviate from the straight and narrow path, my mother darts out of the darkness, squirts me with the non-lethal bottle, and coerces me to resume my proper path.

I know that my mother never used a squirt bottle to discipline me, but this metaphor profoundly resonates. Emotionally I can subconsciously feel her following me around, just waiting for me to make a wrong move so that she can lovingly correct me and urge me back into a righteous direction.

Again, most of these are not memories of actual events as much as they are emotional memories of the state of mind in which I found myself as a child and teenager. I was guided, firmly and persistently, into doing things the right way – the only way.

Seconds after this powerful visualization, I interrupt Keith’s bee hunting with giggling comments, excitedly telling him about my new insights. Keith’s own giggling and congratulatory response leaves me wondering if perhaps he was intuitively guided to put on this little stage play, doing it precisely because I needed him to do it.

It literally feels as if this is my personally created reality – and that Keith is merely playing a role in my stage play to facilitate my process.

Skirting The Edges

As I imagine my mother’s face, contemplating the “loving vigilance” with which she trained me to be a righteous citizen, I am again confronted by a visualized image of stern scowling – one that lovingly nagged me, making sure I was doing things right – one that pushed me into perfect conformance.

“My creative confidence was all but gone by age seven.” I ponder with clarity as I remember an actual incident in school. “I was so concerned about pleasing others that I did not dare to do things outside of the box. I was only confident in memorizing and mimicking – having no confidence to do anything in my own unique way.”

“Keith,” I finally ask for guidance. “As I sit here with this new layer of angry emotion, I feel as if I am just skirting around the edges … wondering if I should dive in or simply observe and remain above the pool of emotion for a while?”

“I’m getting that you want to find another way of dealing with it today.” Keith responds after checking his own guidance.

Stuck and Questioning

For considerable time, I simply toy with the pool of anger, dipping in a few metaphorical fingers and experiencing assorted physical tears, then pulling back and pondering my next move.

I feel deep confusion. I am willing to go wherever guidance takes me, but I am not feeling a great deal of guidance. An old familiar part of me urges me to dive into the lake of tears – but another part urges me to sit back, to observe, and be patient.

“Help,” I finally ask Keith. “I don’t know what to do next. I am stuck.”

Tangled Yarn

“Visualize a basket floating down in front of you.” Keith guides me. “When you can see or feel it, tell me what is inside.”

At first I sense a great number of objects attempting to materialize in my basket – but each time they start to presence themselves, they instead vanish. Finally, one specific image projects itself into my imagination. I attempt to resist this image, trying to push it away because it makes no sense to me.

“I am seeing a jumble of netting or rope.” I eventually gather my courage and share with Keith. “There is a tangled pile of whatever-this-is in the middle of the basket.”

I go on to explain that I am being intuitively guided to compare this tangled pile with clumps of old wool yarn that I recently removed, piece by piece, from old bags of foam rubber that I used to fill one of my new pillows. That yarn was so dry and deteriorated that it was clumped, tangled, and falling apart – beyond any constructive use.

Swimming In Futility

“This is the state of my lower chakras.” I suddenly blurt out to Keith. “I feel like the metaphor represents the energetically-tangled state of my intestines, my creativity, my sexuality, and my personal power. Everything is in such a huge deteriorating mess that it feels hopeless, beyond repair.”

When I further recognize that this energetic mess in my lower-chakras is a result of my mother’s programming, I feel increasingly angry. The emotion is so powerful that floods of tears begin to push their way to the surface.

Emotions of futility, impossibility, and hopelessness start to swim in that growing river of tears.

The True Source

“Go even deeper.” Keith urges me. “You are still scratching at the surface. Find the true source of the emotion. Bring in a ball of light, or perhaps an angel, to help you with this process.”

I try to follow Keith’s guidance, but am lost in the helplessness and anger. I am unable to focus on meditation, feeling distracted, and experiencing self-doubts.

As I recognize the distraction and doubts, I immediately associate them with ego. Quickly disengaging from the doubts, I attempt to reengage with higher energies – but I am still stuck – nothing is happening.

“Go to the true source of the emotion.” Keith again encourages me.

After a few minutes of meditative searching, I suddenly realize, at an intellectual level, that I am again immersed deeply in another round of my God/separation drama. I am not really angry at my mother – I am instead only projecting that anger onto her. The real target of my anger is God, my divine source. I am angry for having been abandoned.

Subconscious Drama

As I meditate ever deeper, I stumble into clear understanding of a profound lifetime loop of rebellion – rebellion that I project onto most any religious or spiritual authority. An underlying theme continues to hold me hostage at a subconscious level – a theme that God will never give me the reward I deserve, no mater what I do, no matter how dedicated I am, no matter how hard I work and sacrifice.

“If I obey mommy I will find happiness,” was one out of thousands of religious promises that never resulted in the desired outcome during my childhood.

“If I just read scriptures and say enough prayers, then God will help me with my horrible gender struggles,” was a teenage belief that resulted in repeated failure and self-hatred.

“If I earn all my Priesthood awards, become an Eagle Scout, and achieve exceptional grades in school … then surely I will get the happiness I seek,” became another failed belief of my teens.

“If I get married, raise a righteous family, read scriptures, and serve unselfishly, surely then I will find relief and happiness,” was a failed motto throughout much of my adult life.

“If I follow my heart, surrender and allow, live in the present moment, and do everything with pure unconditional love, surely I will receive enlightenment and happiness,” is a motto to which I now adhere … but I continue to get only glimpses of amazing magical results. I want more, but success is fleeting.

“Why is God abandoning me?” I ponder the subconscious drama with increasing clarity. “I repeatedly watch young people walk in off the street with more magical awareness, abilities, and sensitivity than I have. Here I am, having worked my heart out for an entire lifetime and I have still not been granted any more than brief glimpses of what I seek.”

“Perhaps I really am deeply angry at God.” I begin to recognize the subconscious truth – an underlying theme that I had no idea could yet remain so powerfully embedded in my energy field.

Necessary Clarification

Angry emotions again swell in my heart and soul. But I experience no more anger projected onto my mother. She was merely one of God’s pawns. It seems that there really is a huge reservoir inside me – a hidden reservoir of suppressed anger, abandonment, and sadness – and all of it is aimed directly at my Source.

As I verbally share my journey with Keith, I begin to feel a little guilty for the anger I am expressing towards God.

“Keith,” I share with confusion. “I know that all of these emotions and beliefs are lies … I know that the things I am sharing about this anger are not really true … but these are profound emotions that I know I must allow to run through me.”

As these words leave my tongue, I am not sure if I am saying them for Keith’s benefit … for the benefit of the two young men who are silently watching my process … or perhaps I am simply reminding myself that all of this is merely illusion – that I know in reality that God has never abandoned me at all.

Numbness and Confusion

I continue to wipe away rivers of tears as I interact frequently with Keith. We engage in a great deal of rational-mind discussion as he again explains all of his understandings about God/separation dramas. These are things that I have heard many times before – things that I should know – but I notice that I am feeling confused and flighty, unable to focus or remember hardly any of the things Keith is sharing. I hear his words, but they bounce off my mind and fall onto the ground below me.

I drift back to memories of a similar confusing day last spring – a day in which I had melted away into a blob of incoherent confusion, a state of complete emotional shutdown. It was a powerful glimpse given to me by the Universe of what happens when I feel unjustly attacked and accused.

As I ponder my emotions, I am deeply puzzled. What was once intense anger at my mother has suddenly morphed into angry emotions toward Deity. Now, to my shock and surprise, that anger is nearly nonexistent. Instead, I am feeling nothing but numbness and confusion – being almost in complete denial.

Yet I continue to observe. This is becoming quite the interesting journey.

I note that I am actually experiencing emotions that mildly tell me that it is “time to pack up my bags and leave San Marcos … that there is nothing more that Keith can help me with.”

Huge Core Issue

“Wow, this is a powerful state.” Keith shares with me when I fill him in on the bizarre tricks that Ego is playing with me. “Something really big is going on now.”

“You wouldn’t be back in this ‘pack-your-bags’ state if this was not a huge core issue.” Keith continues to reassure me.

As the unattached observer, I am already quite aware of these truths. I am eager and anxious to further dive into the solution.

“If you are too afraid or if there is too much resistance,” Keith begins to coach me, “then you come back another day.”

“But I am not afraid to go deeper into this issue.” I protest. “I want to resolve it now.”

“Then bring in some higher energy to unravel the contents of that basket.” Keith responds.

A Voice Out Of Nowhere

“Over my dead body!” I blurt out a minute later, after having connected to the tangled yarn that metaphorically represents my hopelessly deteriorated lower-chakra energies.

“Whoa,” I look at Keith with shock. “Where did that come from?”

I am blown away by the inner voice that seemed to express itself from out of nowhere. My rational mind is primed and ready to go excavating, but a hidden part of me is adamant that this is absolutely not going to happen.

“Sounds like stiff resistance to me.” Keith smiles as he points out the obvious.

Stiff Inner Resistance

“But I want to bring in the light.” I again protest. “I want to do this.”

“Then do it.” Keith coaches me yet again.

“It’s not going to happen.” I respond glumly after several futile attempts to bring in energy and work with it. “I cannot focus … I cannot do anything without facing stiff inner resistance.”

As I sit in shocked surprise, I sense almost no emotion – nothing negative, and nothing particularly positive. Most of what I feel is surprise at what I am observing – surprise at the bizarre inner resistance that has drawn a definite line in the sand, making it absolutely clear that “I am not to cross that line – at least not today.”

Succeeding At Failure

“Fighting this resistance would only create more ‘succeeding at failure’,” Keith soon points out.

“Yeah,” I respond with confidence. “I’m getting that I need to simply back off, learn about myself, and observe my emotions. I totally trust that I am in a beautiful flow. I have been repeatedly shown that I create my reality. It is time to trust that the flow will guide me through it – that all will be brought to resolution in perfect sequence and synchronous timing – that no battle with the resistance is necessary.”

I know that the emotions surrounding this anger and God/separation drama are not based in truth – yet the emotions are very real indeed. The observer in me recognizes that I am going through a powerful core issue – one that has profound control and influence over me – one that is skillfully playing hide-and-go-seek – one that I can no longer deny.

Rather than engaging in additional battles with this separation drama, playing its futile game of ‘succeeding at failure,’ I instead choose to trust.

Infinite Patience

As I prepare to leave Keith’s porch, I find myself in a very interesting and even puzzling state of peace and trust. Even my confusion and numbness have simply vanished.

I know that a core issue has been exposed – I know that it went back into hiding – and I know that there is nothing that I need to do about it right now. Everything will happen exactly on schedule and all I need to do is to be present in a state of love.

I find it beautiful as I clearly recognize how a state of absolute trust can bring such profound peace. The realization causes me to ponder one of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” quotes … one that says, “Infinite patience brings immediate results.”

“You are in a profoundly powerful place.” Keith again reassures me with smiles and congratulations. “I am deeply proud of the beautiful work that you are doing.”

A Metaphor Revisited

Late Wednesday evening, as I meditate in bed, new realizations begin to flow.

“Of course,” I ponder with clarity. “When I was very young, my magic was short-circuited, causing a fuse to blow. The power to my magical essence was severed. This was NOT something that was done ‘TO me’ … it was something that was a safety measure taken ‘BY me.’ Had that fuse not been blown, I would have surely fried in the resulting shower of sparks.”

“Just like this morning when I attempted to reset the fuse,” I continue pondering, “I probably tried to reconnect the magical power source a time or two. But each time that I flipped that switch back to the ‘ON position,’ the backlash of fearful short-circuiting was so terrifying that I simply left the switch permanently in the ‘OFF position’, frightened to ever turn it back on – forgetting that it was even there.”

“Yes,” I ponder with amazement, “the fuse was always inside me. I turned it off to protect myself from overload. I lived my entire life in the dark, blaming God for the power outage, wondering why there was no inner light – subconsciously angry that the light that I needed and wanted was unavailable.”

I find it even more amazing that this metaphor came to me via an electric showerhead that blew a fuse. Water is metaphorically connected with emotions, and showers have to do with cleansing. It seems that an even deeper message exists here – one having to do with the power source to my empath (emotional cleansing) abilities.

Bedtime Insights

As I drift off to sleep on this late and peaceful Wednesday evening, I clearly recognize that my fuse box is hidden and forgotten, likely overgrown by weeds and debris that safely hide it from view. A very real and terrified part of me is horrified by the thought of finding the forbidden “Pandora’s Box” – of switching the power back on. It might kill me. It nearly did just that when I was a magical child with a mother who did not understand.

“God is not abandoning me.” I giggle on my way into dreamland. “I am simply blaming God for something that I myself did. I have been begging God to turn my power back on – but that is something I must do. I am the one who needs to clear away the debris and flip the switch. Surely, my inner children already know where that switch is hidden. I will ask Bobby and Sharon to show me – but not until we are all ready.”

“In fact my Higher Self knows too, and so do my guides.” I further ponder. “It is only rational mind that is lost here … and now that my logical side is starting to trust and get out of the way, even rational mind is beginning to understand.”

Dream Dilemmas

Shortly after 3:30 a.m. on Thursday morning, I awaken from a very strange and vivid dream. I attempt to ignore it and just go back to sleep … but inner voices absolutely insist that I get out of bed to write down all the details.

In the dream, I am some type of masculine-energy government agent on a secret mission – a mission so classified that I do not even know who I work for. My superiors instruct me to go into a large auditorium where a competition is taking place. My orders are to locate one of the contestants, a Mr. Ben E. Ford. I am to tell him that he is in grave danger and that he needs to come with me.

As I search the contestant area, I walk through a maze of raised booths with prominently displayed nametags – yet I cannot find Mr. Ford. Suddenly I find myself at the back of the hall as my superior scolds me for not having finished my task.

“I can’t find Ben E. Ford,” I share my dilemma with frustration.

A Luxury Chrysler

“Not Ben E. Ford,” my supervisor gruffly chastises me. “You are supposed to find and bring us a Ms. Betty Ford.”

Immediately I rush back through the maze of raised booths, quickly locating Betty Ford. As I attempt to tell her who I am, I realize I still have no clue regarding the name of the agency for which I work.

“I work for the Secret Service.” I blurt out to her, simply pulling a random name out of the air. “You are in grave danger and you need to come with me, now!”

A curious part of me begins to wonder if I am being manipulated into kidnapping this woman under false pretenses.

Soon, Betty and her two young children (a boy and girl) are racing behind me as we rush out to the parking lot. My supervisor throws me a set of keys that land on the asphalt in front of me.

“Take that Chrysler right there and follow us,” the man orders.

A Confrontational Conversation

As I Quickly unlock the doors to this luxury sedan, Betty and the two children hurry into the back seat where two car seats are conveniently strapped in place. A woman that I do not know suddenly hops into the front passenger seat, acting as my guide, telling me to hurry, that we are late.

Soon I am racing down the street with the car ahead already being several blocks in front of me. The woman urges me to step on the gas. Suddenly the lead car turns into some type of commercial alleyway. As I approach the alley, I begin to turn too soon, and the woman yells at me, “Not this alley … turn into the next one.”

Finally, as I maneuver down the desired alley, I find the boss’s parked car. My secretive leader is already in the street talking to several other men in black, eating a large piece of what appears to be double-layered chocolate cake.

Feeling somewhat frustrated and deceived, I unbuckle my seatbelt with intentions to stomp over to my boss, preparing to demand an explanation for what is going on. But before I can do so, Betty Ford herself opens her door and runs over to my boss to have her own face-to-face conversation.

As I suddenly awaken from this bizarre dream, I wonder if I will ever figure it all out.

Synchronous Ceremony

Meanwhile, Keith has felt guided to invite me to participate in a private chocolate ceremony across the lake. It is not until later, that I discover the amazing synchronicities that lead up to this ceremony … the chance meetings between shared friends at just the perfect times … and the perfect combination of guests. The ceremony is at a brand new spiritual retreat center directly across the lake from San Marcos. The other three women participants are all about my age, each having engaged in life-long left-brained occupations, each in the process of surrendering to a heart-guided life.

I need to meet Keith at 6:10 a.m. on the street by the basketball court. Rather than choosing to return to bed at 3:45 a.m., I instead sit up and meditate regarding one of the strangest dreams I have had in a very long time. The moment I have Keith’s captive audience in his little pickup truck, I share the dream sequence and ask for additional feedback.

Fun Interpretations

“I think that both Ben E. Ford and Betty Ford are energetic parts of me … pre and post gender change.” I share with Keith. “And I think those two children are my magical inner children, Bobby and Sharon.”

“I think that the “government-agent-me” was unknowingly scammed into working for Ego who coerced me into surrendering my power. I was manipulated into kidnapping and locking away my own magical powers.”

“It is quite puzzling that the names were all so vivid too.” I share with Keith as I ask him for any insights.

Keith agrees that most of my interpretations make sense and then points out that the name “Chrysler” could be connected to “Christ Consciousness” and that the last names of “Ford” could also indicate that Betty/Ben E. Ford were also related to some type of vehicle or transportation.

“And you were even provided with a guide,” Keith soon points out. “That woman in the front seat protected and guided you where you needed to go.”

Safe Keeping

As I later dissect the details of this dream, I now believe that Keith was right, and I no longer believe that I was “unknowingly scammed.” A part of me was willingly participating in a secretive, divine plan. In order to protect myself from imminent childhood disaster, I indeed kidnapped my magical self, whisking it off to safety. Through the process, I was always protected by loving “guides” and “Christ Consciousness.” My magic was kept safe until the time for its return.

Indeed, those “Fords” were metaphorical vehicles as well – they helped to transport, protect, and preserve my magical inner children. They were not happy about what they had to do – nor was I – but we all did what was necessary to temporarily cut the fuse to my magical power so that I could preserve it for safe keeping.

Blew A Fuse

Shortly after 9:30 a.m., our chocolate ceremony is underway. For a few hours, I do nothing more than hold a magical and powerful space for others, occasionally sharing energy with a couple of the women who pass through their own emotional processes.

Finally, Keith begins to conduct an empath training for the three women. Rather than participating, I find myself suddenly detached, sinking into my own emotional journey – a journey involving the frustration of still not feeling the power of my own magic.

As I attempt to visualize myself switching the metaphorical power fuse to the “ON position,” I bump headfirst into blockages of fear and resistance – producing a minor flow of hesitating tears. I do not want to disturb the ceremony in progress, but Keith earlier assured me that accessing my own emotions today would be perfect if that is what happens.

As Keith continues to lead into the empath training with the other women, he explains to them about how their magic was shutdown during their childhood. Suddenly Keith tells the women that their magic “blew a fuse.” Maybe I just never fully listened, but I do not remember ever hearing Keith use those words during this part of the training.

Perfect Timing

The power of my own “blown fuse” metaphor suddenly lights up. Again, it is so profoundly clear. I did literally blow a fuse as a child. I attempted to reset that circuit breaker and the fuse subsequently sparked even more violently. Now, as I again attempt to turn it back on, the intense buried fear is surfacing.

To my utter shock, as Keith finishes phase-three of the training, he asks me to come over to the center of the circle. I was not even aware that he was paying attention to my emotions – emotions that I had mostly managed to keep visibly hidden. This amazing group of women – women with whom I deeply relate – is going to assist me in a powerful heart-opening process. The synchronous timing could not be more perfect.

Believe, Believe, Believe

At first, as these women magically assist, I feel my layer of fear melting away and disappearing. But then I reach a state of not feeling much of anything.

“Brenda, did you notice that you just hit a stiff wall of resistance?” Keith unexpectedly points out. I had not said a word.

Recognizing the magical nature of what is happening, I double my efforts to simply “allow, allow, and allow.” I feel stuck, sensing no energy movement.

“Believe, believe, believe.” I silently repeat to myself.

To my delight, I begin to feel a small movement of angry energy – and to my surprise, I feel the energy exiting from the left side of my heart chakra, not from my abdomen where I expected it to be. The energy moves very slow … but is definitely moving … building mutual trust.

Expanding Peaceful Light

“You’re still resisting.” Keith points out. “Allow just a little bit of light to come in and assist you – to build more trust.”

As I successfully visualize the light, I begin to feel several peaceful spots, vertically aligned in my heart, gradually expanding from side to side. The sensation is one of pleasurable peace – like a breath of fresh air to these slowly expanding regions in my heart. I love the sensation and respond by further relaxing into the light, gradually allowing additional light to expand inside of me.

Peaceful Empowerment

Suddenly, several tickling pains begin to manifest and intensify. I start to experience mild-but-intense emotions as tears start to stream from my confused-but-trusting eyes. The tiny emotional pains seem to trickle from the center of my chest. As I surrender to them, I notice that they feel more like power that is opening up. Soon the painful prickles expand to my entire heart chakra and then spread up into my throat.

The pain is similar to that of a sleeping foot that is waking up. Once the initial prickles settle down, peace begins to settle in, resulting in power and a sensation of awakening.

“Can you describe what you are feeling?” Keith asks me to provide feedback to the other women.

After sharing and describing that I feel the sensation of peaceful empowerment in my heart and throat, one woman responds that she is also feeling this same sensation in her throat as she works with me.

Held Like That

To my delight and surprise, one of the women comes over and asks if it is OK if she places her hands on me. As she begins to do energy work, I sense no “fixing energy” at all – instead I feel empowering support.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “I want you to know that Judy (not her real name) is unknowingly connecting to one of your angels or higher being friends, and that she is channeling that being through her in order to help you.”

To my amazement, after some beautiful energy work that sends peaceful vibrations through my back and shoulders, Judy soon begins to cuddle me from behind. As she does so, I lovingly remember a blog that I wrote just last week – sharing how a woman had cuddled her husband, and how I wished I could be “held like that” – even if it was just being held by one of my higher being friends.

“Wow, I literally am being held by one of my higher being friends.” I ponder with intuitive clarity.

Consumed With Vibration

As she continues to work with my energy, Judy whispers loving angelic words to my little inner child. I feel the depth of those genuine loving words, fully recognizing that they are being channeled from a higher source.

For nearly thirty minutes, Judy continues to cuddle me from behind, sharing inspired words and beautiful energy. I am amazed as the penetrating energy gradually expands, filling the back side of my body with pleasurable vibrations that extend from the top of my head all the way down to the base of my ribs.

When these amazing vibrations begin to extend into the lower chakras, I envision my basket filled with tangled deteriorating wool yarn. With a metaphor that only yesterday screamed “over my dead body,” I now feel an amazing sensation of surrender while I visualize the energies consuming and transmuting the tangled contents of that metaphorical basket.

Gradually the vibrations on my back reach the base of my spine. My entire backside is literally vibrating with loving peace, more than I have ever before felt it vibrate. The image that flows into my intuitive awareness is one of an angel, cuddling me so tightly that she literally merges into the back half of my body.

Profound Powerful Peace

As the empath training ends, I provide and receive amazing feedback – feedback that confidently reassures me I am well on my way toward allowing in the magical assistance that I have subconsciously resisted for so very long.

Throughout the remaining few hours of this profound chocolate ceremony, I continue to experience this incredible energy as it unceasingly vibrates with powerful peace.

Shifting Focus

As Keith and I finally make our way back to San Pedro on the 5:00 p.m. boat, he joyfully congratulates me, telling me that I broke a huge crack into my wall of resistance today.

“The wall is still standing,” Keith informs me, “but with the crack that is now there, the rest should start to come down much more easily.”

I know that I experienced a major breakthrough today in my core issue – one that surfaced on Sunday as anger directed at my mother – one that shifted on Wednesday into anger at God – one that then shifted today into clearly understanding that it was “me, myself, and I” that turned off the power supply – that there was no one outside of myself with whom I could be angry.

I now clearly recognize that the true issue is one of my continued fearful resistance – a crumbling-but-still-standing wall that prevents me from allowing the very help I crave.

Surrender And Allow

This last week has been an amazing and adventurous journey – one filled with rivers of tears, strange dreams, rational logic, and intense emotion. It has been a journey of lovingly following the flow, of never knowing where I am going next, of simply trusting that something higher than me is directing the unfolding stage play and that I simply need to surrender and allow.

I know that more growth remains in my path – but I joyfully revel in the huge progress that is now flowing so effortlessly. I have indeed allowed a new level of higher dimension assistance to help me in ways I never fully believed possible – at least not possible for me.

In countless past ceremonies, I have never understood why Keith would often coach me to stop resisting … to allow the energies to help me. I am now beginning to understand.

And to think that my resistance was based on projected, misdirected anger – anger at God for having taken away my magical powers, when in reality it was all a simple misunderstanding.

I had simply blown a fuse – a process that was skillfully orchestrated as a part of the divine plan. Several times in the past, I have intellectually understood that I planned my own childhood shutdown as an important part of my mission in this lifetime. Such understanding now resonates at a much deeper level in my heart.

I have an entire magical theme park inside of me. I am the one who, at a subconscious level, remains hesitant to restore the power.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Giggles fill my heart as I press the “publish button” on my latest blog entry titled “Serious Business.” While I cultivate increasing passion about my spiritual growth and healing, I know that the passion is being fueled by a flowing joyful energy of gradual awakening, not by the old taskmaster of “work, work, and more work.”

Every night before bed, I fill myself with energy while meditating or watching further spiritual/scientific documentaries such as “Crossing the Event Horizon.” It is a sort of double-edged sword. I love the feeling of new energies and insights pulsing around in my body – yet those energies do not stop when I attempt to relax into sleep, continuing to bounce around in my body, keeping me awake with eager excitement. It is a journey in which I continue to seek balance.

I am also finding great delight in the balance of left and right brains. Topics such as Sacred Geometry are again tugging at my heartstrings, begging me to use my logical mind to further explore the heart meanings hidden behind the structure.

Renewed Communication

Sunday morning, November 6, I take great delight in a two-hour Skype conversation with a dear friend back in Utah. Ever since returning to San Marcos, my internet connection has been beyond flaky, making Skype a near impossibility. This week, after several peaceful conversations with the man who owns my wireless source, the problem seems to have been mostly resolved, at least for now.

Perhaps the Universe is giving me a synchronous message, telling me that my communication to Source is beginning to clear up and become more reliable.

Self-Enforcement

During this jointly inspiring Skype conversation, two quotes flow powerfully into my consciousness.

The first is one from the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. In one of the early chapters about “domestication of the planet,” Don Miguel discusses the basic process of cultural conditioning through which we all pass – a process in which our parents and culture give us the metaphorical rulebook – the book of law by which we live our lives. At a certain age, we subconsciously take over the role of enforcing these hidden laws – becoming our own jailor of sorts – becoming responsible for maintaining the conditioning of our childhood.

Follow And Allow

The other quote that flashes into my mind during this delightful Skype conversation comes from the book “Oneness,” channeled by Rasha. It is a powerful book that Keith highly recommends for anyone who is serious about working through their emotional baggage – a book in which I have encountered great wisdom as of late.

A few days ago, during a session of meditative reading, a powerful quote jumped out at me. I will begin quoting from the bottom of page 47.

“It is entirely to be anticipated that dramas and interactions transpire that bring into definition and absolute clarity the key emotional issues with which you have been working toward resolution in recent times.”

My interest is definitely peaked as I continue reading at the top of page 48. I absolutely know that I am creating my own reality, and that such emotional issues are now being shown to me with increasing clarity on a very consistent basis.

“It is in your highest possible interests that you permit yourself the experience of these emotional responses, when circumstances manifest them for you, in order that the corresponding patterns can be eliminated from your energy field.”

Again, this statement rings profoundly true. I know with all of my heart that I must allow myself to feel and deeply experience all suppressed emotions before they can be released from my energy field. But it is the next sentence of this quote that sets my heart vibrating.

“By resisting the inclination to repress such responses, when, on an intellectual level, one would believe oneself to have transcended such feelings, one is able to make the shift to a new level of consciousness, unencumbered by a lifetime of experiences that have reached completion.”

“Wow,” I think to myself.” This has been my biggest struggle. I frequently debate with a rational mind that would intellectually insist that I have already dealt with this or that emotion, that there is no need to re-experience an emotional process that I believe myself to have already completed.”

As I lovingly prepare to engage in a Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, one thing is profoundly clear. I have been synchronously reminded to get out of my head – to follow and allow – to fully experience whatever emotions may be brought into my awareness without permitting intellectual resistance to stop me.

Wherever It Takes Me

As eight of us meditate on Keith’s porch, I enjoy the delightful energy of oneness flowing through every cell. Minutes later, I begin to sense a feeling of mild agitation in my solar plexus. Sensations of intense fear, accompanied by fierce resistance, urge me to ignore the agitated feelings as being merely physical – to look the other way.

“You have already worked with the issues in your abdomen.” Intellectual voices in my head begin to ramble. “You don’t want to stir this up yet again.”

Then the powerful quote from “Oneness” flashes through my mind. I will allow myself to go into and to explore this fear and resistance, no matter where it takes me. I know that each layer of emotion is merely preparing me for the next – a deeper layer that is often even more intense. I will allow … allow … allow.

Focus On The Resistance

Ignoring the strong resistance that continues to surface, I begin to focus on the slight agitations in my abdomen. At first thought, I assume that these jostling pains merely represent additional emotional density that I need to identify, feel, and transmute – speculating that the fear I experience is merely the trepidation of delving into this density.

It is on these assumptions that I base my initial meditative journey. But try as I might, the resistance does not soften, and the fears only laugh at me.

“Instead of concentrating on the pain, why don’t you focus on the part of you that is resisting.” Keith coaches me as he begins a round of individually assisting others.

Soon, I am sitting down at a metaphorical conference table with a resistance energy that scowls back at me.

Pandora’s Box

“As I sit with this resistance, I get the feeling that what is hidden away in my abdomen is like a Pandora’s Box.” I soon share with Keith. “Every time I get even remotely close I feel terrorized by the fear of releasing what is hidden inside.”

I have no idea what may be lurking in that box, but it is indeed charged with intense frightening emotion. Each time I attempt to visualize myself releasing even a few drops of those mysterious contents, overwhelming and intense fears consume me.

As I try to imagine this “resistance representative” sitting at the conference table with me, the image repeatedly fades to nothingness – but each time I attempt to move back toward that forbidden box, the resistance again rears its ugly head.

Meanwhile, I watch Keith’s every move, constantly aware and vigilant of the fact that I create my entire reality – searching for clues “out there” as to what may be going on inside of me. As I watch Keith begin to work with an empath across the porch, the intuitions suddenly flood my awareness.

“The contents of that box are not emotional density.” Excited Jedi voices begin to whisper. “The box contains my own empath magic. The resistance is my gatekeeper – a loyal energy that I once asked to hide the magic – keeping it suppressed, safe, and hidden.”

“Opening the Pandora’s Box is a daunting task.” I ponder. “A very real part of me is terrified at the thought of allowing this forbidden magic to return. There is a reason I shut that magic down in the first place. It got me into such deep trouble as a child.”

A Beastly Reunion

Overflowing with new insights, I return to my inner conference room, again sitting beside the metaphorical gatekeeper energy that continues to prevent me from accessing my magic.

The image of a broken old man fills my imagination. This gatekeeper is tired and feeble, beaten down by the task I had once asked him to fulfill on my behalf – the task of literally murdering my energetic magic in order to keep me safe in a world that would punish such magic.

Allowing myself to sink deeply into this horrible grief, I reconnect with a familiar agony. It is an agony that I originally accessed last spring when I first discovered this heartbreaking energy – the Beast energy that I had asked to strangle my connections to divine light in a desperate attempt to remain alive and functional in a cultural and religious reality that would have crucified me had I allowed the magic to be freely expressed.

A Female Gatekeeper

I inform Keith of my unfolding journey as he briefly returns to work with me.

“Connect with your inner child,” Keith soon guides me. “How old was she when all of this was going on?”

“In her teens,” I respond to Keith after processing my initial thoughts about why he referred to my inner child as a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’.

“It really was the feminine side of me that was trying to commit energetic suicide during that age.” I quietly ponder with increasing flashes of insight.

“Sit with her.” Keith encourages me. “Find out what she was feeling during this period of your life.

As I connect with the intense frustration and hopelessness of my teenage “Sharon,” I begin to recognize that the gatekeeper energy – energy that continues to hold my magic in a tightly shut Pandora’s Box – is also female.

Another painful realization floods my awareness. Just as Don Miguel Ruiz describes in his book “The Four Agreements,” I as the adult Brenda have taken over as the oppressor – as the rule enforcer that continues to force this inner child to shut her magic down.

Forgotten Nagging

As I visualize myself as being the oppressive parent figure to this innocent inner child, a new twist suddenly shifts my meditative journey. Memories unexpectedly begin to flood my mind regarding my own relationship with my mother.

(I want to make one thing perfectly clear before proceeding. I love and honor my mother with all of my heart. What I am discussing here are buried, unhealed, struggles and issues from the past – issues that I had no idea still existed – issues that remain anchored in my energetic field.)

All of a sudden I am overwhelmed by memories of how much I hated my mother for what I perceived as her incessant nagging – her constantly watching and correcting – her micromanaging of my life. I do not have much physical evidence to corroborate the emotion – but the emotional memories are clear and vivid. They are numerous memories of rebellious anger about the frequent and overwhelming nagging that coerced me to conform and obey.

Robot Training

Expression of anger was not a welcome behavior in my home. Any attempts to vent my intense feelings of resentment and rebellion were suppressed through culturally accepted punishments – causing me to repress my anger, directing it inward – forcing me to put on a happy and smiling face – training me to be the people-pleasing actress that I have been throughout most of my life.

“This is what any good parent would do,” Is the message that was culturally driven into my soul. I was made to believe that my feelings were wrong, even evil – and I did my best to suppress all expression of such emotion because, “good little boys and girls obey and do as Jesus wants them to.”

As I ponder ever deeper, an intensifying anger boils and churns within my abdomen – anger at how my life was systematically micromanaged by my mother – anger at how I was forced to conform and obey – anger at how I became a people-pleasing robot, having to sacrifice my own identity for outward appearance – anger at religion and culture – but mostly anger at my mother for being the chief instigator, architect, and enforcer of my robot training.

Broken Like A Horse

My thinking, behavior, beliefs, creativity, sexuality, and personal power were all squashed, twisted, manipulated, and micromanaged by a loving-but-stern mother who was honorably doing what she believed she must do in order to conform to her own beliefs about what it means to be a righteous mother.

I hated it. I had no choice in the matter. I cried about it. I was rebellious and angry about it. And I eventually gave up – a broken soul, like a broken horse – finally just doing as I was told – towing the line – going in whatever direction that my mother dictated. What other choice did I have?

Yes, I was the product of a loving home with a God-fearing mother who taught me as she had been taught. Like a good little trained horse, I did the same with my own children, faithfully passing along the family training with the most genuine of intentions.

Irate Rebellious Release

The more I focus on this irate rebellious emotion, the more intense the anger becomes. As tears stream down my cheeks, my belly shakes with muffled sobs. My entire abdomen agitates wildly and painfully with a feeling of unmanageable rage at how I was so controlled and manipulated.

I am impatient. I want this emotion out of me … NOW!

But I know I must surrender and allow, flowing with the process. As tissues pile up beside me, I attempt to muffle the external expression while freely allowing the energies to flow unobstructed through my aching soul. I will not bottle this up again. I want this outrageous anger out of my energy body – and the only way to accomplish that is to allow it to fully surface. I must feel it to the core. I do not want a single drop of this putrid emotional density to remain buried.

Faithfully Hidden

Shock consumes me as I observe the physical manifestations of this intense rage. My abdomen is a mixture of nausea and physical cramps – creating a sensation of needles poking me from the inside. As I contemplate present pains, my mind wanders to memories of a lifetime of intestinal and bladder issues – urinary issues, frequent constipation and diarrhea, gas, cramping, abdominal anxiety, etc…

“How could such emotion have possibly remained hidden inside of me?” I ponder with amazement.

I was taught to be obedient and submissive – to never express such emotion. As the perfect little child that I strived to become, I faithfully bottled up every drop, storing it where I hoped it would never be found.

Wiggle Room

Part of me wants to do what I trust – to cry and scream out the emotion. I lightly punch one fist into the other, feeling the emotions intensify with each physical motion. But something inside tells me that I want to explore a different way out – a way of involving higher energies in assisting me to release the anger.

Meanwhile, Keith is across the porch, helping a woman to understand her own empath abilities.

“Connect with Brenda and help her move some of this.” Keith asks the woman who looks quite puzzled by Keith’s request.

Soon, Keith guides this woman, along with others on the porch, coaching them to use some of their own magic in assisting me with my intense emotion. As they begin, I feel a tiny bit of emotional energy flow out of me, but not enough to make a significant difference. I can feel some angry energy gradually leave me, giving me a tiny bit of wiggle room, but intuitively I recognize that a hidden part of me is simply not allowing me to receive the help.

A Frustrated Wheel

The first empath woman makes an intuitive observation that surprises me, announcing that she was given a brief visual glimpse of me at the center of a wheel with many spokes coming out of me. Each spoke is an energetic connection that I have to someone else – a connection through which I am assisting others with their own emotions.

“Yeah, Brenda has no idea what she actually does.” Keith tells this woman. “She connects with and helps countless people and doesn’t even realize it … yet she still struggles to allow herself to be helped.”

Frustration dances in my mind as I meditatively question how I could be doing so much to help others, yet remain so blocked and shutdown.

A Montage Of Memories

As Keith begins to conduct an empath training with others on the porch, I continue to silently observe the intense angry emotions stomping around in my abdomen. I ignore the training while focusing on my own process. I do not want to just “fix” this emotion … I want to understand the reasons why I put it there … I want to learn the necessary lessons so that the emotion can be fully healed and permanently released.

While allowing the “anger at my mother” emotions to flow, a continuous sequence of childhood memories pop up. Each surfacing memory is of times when I was angry and rebellious. As I attempt to visualize my mother’s loving face, I can only see a face that is hard and stern – a scowling face – a face that is determined to teach me proper behavior – a face that is desperately trying to squash parts of me that frighten her.

Then I remember how I desperately tried to please her, earning my rewards for good behavior. I did everything possible to be the little angel she wanted me to be.

Energetic Anger Expression

As phase three of the empath training concludes, Keith unexpectedly asks me to move to the middle of the porch. Gratitude overwhelms my heart as I recognize that others are about to assist me in moving the virus-like anger that flows inside of me.

As Keith asks people to connect with me, to begin helping me move the density, I attempt to surrender. My conscious mind desperately wants to allow the process, but a huge hidden part of me is still resisting and fighting.

Intuitively, I recognize that a great deal of this anger desperately craves release through verbal expression – through my throat chakra. While others focus on assisting me, I breathe heavily, making light vibrational sounds, gradually beginning to hum, and then starting to sound an “ohm” tone. Within a minute of making these verbal tones, I begin to experience an intense and profound energy of anger that seems to rise from my gut, up into my chest, through my throat and out my mouth – as if I am literally vomiting the anger out of me.

As this process unfolds, I bend forward in agony, continuing to use every ounce of my strength to push and coax this emotion as if it were a real physical entity. After about thirty seconds of intense release, I am blessed with a minute or two of calm peace.

Increasingly Lighter

Intuitively, I know I am not done, and begin to “ooohhhmmm” some more. Soon, more intense, agonizing, angry energy flows up and out of my throat as I again bend forward in pain.

There is little room for doubt … I am literally feeling this anger to the very core … but I know there is more and I want it out.

Repeating this process several additional times, I release wave after wave of intense emotional energy while the group assists in sending it off to the angels for transmutation.

With each release, I feel increasingly lighter – lighter in a very real physical sense.

A Squashed Heart

Soon, the pains in my solar plexus fade to peace while a few new metaphorical pains simultaneously form at the lower-left region of my second chakra – in the groin and bladder areas.

“These new pains represent my suppressed creativity and magic.” Intuitive voices whisper silently.

At nearly the same time, I feel a great deal of pressure on the left side of my chest, as if something or someone is sitting on my heart.

“This is my mother sitting on me, suppressing my magic, squashing my heart.” I share with Keith, “She is restricting my feminine magic, repressing my will and my ability to breathe.”

“That is what actually happened.” Keith confirms, agreeing that my mother was the primary force in shutting down my magic.

Heal Thyself

With the group’s help, I continue to “surrender and allow.” One young woman soon shares powerful feedback regarding the intense energy flow that she is experiencing as the angry density leaves my body.

Soon, two other women also share their feedback about the amazing things they felt while working with me.

“Keith,” I begin to share some frustration. “I know powerful things are happening inside of me, and I am deeply grateful for the assistance, but I am still so shutdown that I cannot feel any of the energy moving outside of my body.”

“I know that there is a great deal more that I need to heal – more dense energy still inside of me,” I add with intuitive insight. “Part of me wonders if my magic might be waiting until I complete more inner healing before it will allow me to fully open. It is as if I intuitively know that my magic is powerful and that I might do harm with it if I were to open up too much of it before I am fully healed myself.”

“That is called integrity.” Keith responds, congratulating me while simultaneously confirming my intuition.

Pressurized Bread Crumbs

After returning to my cushion by the kitchen door, I begin to ponder silently while continuing to watch the amazing energy movements inside of my body. For the first time in ages, I feel a swirling energy dancing around on the backside of my lower chakras, seemingly congratulating me for a job well done.

But very quickly I notice some very strange metaphorical sensations. As the left side of my heart begins to feel peaceful and relaxed, I experience odd pain-like pressures running up the middle of my sternum, stopping right at the center of my chest. Seconds later, I notice a line of mild pressure that stretches its way from the base of the sternum, down into the right side of my solar plexus.

“This metaphorical column of pressure leading down into the right side of my power-center is telling me that the power of my magic was shut down under the influence of overwhelming left-brain rational-mind logic and reasoning.” The Jedi voices suddenly whisper in my heart. “That logic and reason came from my mother.”

“Of course, that makes so much sense.” I ponder to myself.

Seconds later, another intuition instinctively guides me to move the pressurized energy out of the right side of my solar plexus, breathing it up into my heart. After a focused deep breath, my heart feels whole and my solar plexus remains pain free.

As Time Flows

I simply sit and integrate for the next two hours while the entire group remains. All of us are so overcome by the amazing peaceful energy that none of us want to leave.

“How is your little girl doing?” Keith eventually asks.

“She is doing much better,” I respond after meditatively checking in with my little inner child. “We built up a great deal of trust today, but we both know that we are not done yet – that there remains a lot more buried anger to deal with.”

“This is just the first phase of building trust in this new level of healing.” Keith confirms my intuition. “There will likely be more layers surfacing over time.”

In my heart, I intuitively recognize that I am dealing with a profound and very deep core issue – one that may take a while to work through – one that might be quite intense – but one that will bring huge healing as I pass through it.

But another peaceful part of me realizes that I need do nothing but follow and allow – that everything will unfold perfectly as time flows. I am so grateful that I am learning to simply follow, allow, and surrender.

Option Number Two

After giving Keith a big thank-you hug, he congratulates me on the powerful work that I did today.

Prior to this afternoon, I had no conceivable idea that such intense anger could possibly exist still hidden so deeply inside of me. Part of me wonders what else might remain hidden in that Pandora’s Box – a box that does not seem quite so frightening anymore.

Today was hugely powerful for me. Much integration remains, but I know I made an amazing start. I am eager to continue forward.

The first layer of anger has been replaced with loving peace and dancing energy, but I am eager and anxious to get on with additional layers.

After getting ready for bed, I ponder my options: meditate further into this unfolding process … or go to bed. Option number two quickly wins as I crawl under the covers and drift rapidly into dreamland.

An Applicable Dream

Early Monday morning I awaken from a strange dream. I am a youth approaching my family car that is parked on the left side of the road. Both the driver’s door and the left rear passenger door remain wide open and unprotected. As I glance up, I notice that my mother is walking away in the distance.

“Mom,” I call out loudly. “You left the car doors open.”

As she continues walking away, ignoring me, not hearing me, I glance back at the car and notice that a large video game (representing fun and play) has fallen off the rear seat onto the pavement below.

After awakening from the dream, meditative intuitions give me three quick and obvious interpretations – each of which makes a great deal of sense.

First, my childhood calls for help and understanding were never heard – or if they were heard, they were simply ignored.

Second, my mother was not the least bit interested in fun or play (video game), allowing fun things to fall by the wayside, out onto the street.

Third, the left-side car doors – doors left carelessly open and unattended – are associated with the right brain. It seems that right-brained, feminine, heart-based, intuitive, creative things were not protected or valued in my family. The doors on the right side (left brain, logic, intellect etc) were closed and securely protected.

Mirror Reflections

Rather than going back to bed after my dream, I begin to meditate, eager to find some closure to angry emotions.

As I further ponder regarding my mother, I find it difficult to access memories of us having any fun together during our early years. Of course she participated in family activities and played games with us etc, but try as I might, I cannot remember any fun times or memories that were randomly initiated by my mother. It seems that a buried angry part of me is literally blocking out any and all fun memories (if they happened) related to my mother.

I easily remember my mother’s serious side, but come up empty in the fun spontaneous realm. She did not thrive on the playful side of life and took her religious activities very seriously. She had a difficult childhood and was never a very good cook … and she nagged (micromanaged) me a lot.

“Oh my gosh,” I ponder in shock. “Did I become my mother?”

Repressed Memories

A few years ago, when I prepared to speak at my dear mother’s funeral about my memories of her life, I focused on recent adult memories – memories of how I had learned so much about unconditional love while interacting with her during her deteriorating states of dementia and Alzheimer’s. That speech was inspired and genuine – a pure loving tribute to a dedicated mother who unknowingly taught me how to love through our late-life interactions together.

Yet, even then, as I prepared that speech, I recall struggling to remember anything fun or humorous regarding her younger years.

I know she must have had a fun side to her, but my perceptions are clouded so deeply by childhood anger and repression that I simply cannot remember. If such memories do exist, they are suppressed so deeply that they are simply not accessible to me.

Erupting Emotions

As 7:30 a.m. comes and goes, I am immersed in a meditative struggle, searching to find happy memories with my mother, but the only memories that surface are painful ones – memories of hiding my true self from her – memories of my resentment and unexpressed anger – memories of a stern and serious mother nagging me to be good.

As I sit in numbness, I am in a mild state of shock, experiencing an emotional hangover of sorts. In desperation, I lightly pound my fist on a pillow, doing so only a few times.

Suddenly the angry sadness erupts like a pressurized volcano. For most of the next hour, I sob and shake. Tissues pile beside me as I go deeper and deeper into the next layer of this angry reservoir of buried emotion.

The jaw shaking and flashfloods of tears come in waves with occasional peaceful pauses. Then, without notice, another round of intense emotion presses its way to the surface of this pressurized volcano.

To The Core

“Isn’t there some ‘fun way’ to release this emotion?” I plead with the higher energies. “Can’t you help me do this in a less dramatic way?”

Each time I ask for a set of metaphorical keys to the fun bus, I sink deeper into yet-another wave of intense emotional release. It seems that my answer from the higher energies is “No. Right now you need to feel this new layer to the core … you need to cry it out the old fashioned way.”

From Sadness To Sleep

These waves of tears continue for a couple of hours. Through it all, I remain the conscious observer, unattached to what is happening while recognizing that the emotion is real – that it must be felt and released.

Over time, the anger merges with a layer of deep childhood sadness – sadness at having been programmed and turned into a logical robot – sadness at having been forced to give up my magical essence.

Finally, by mid-morning, I am so utterly exhausted that I crawl under the covers, lie back on my pillow, and drift to sleep. My body has reached its limit.

My Heart Says No

Around 3:00 p.m. on Monday afternoon, I finally wake up, wondering if more meditation and emotional processing might be appropriate. Immediately my head rebels, clearly insisting that there will not be any more inner journeying today. Instead, I spend the next four hours watching science documentaries. Somehow, the left-brain stimulation brings a temporary state of relief and release.

Tuesday morning begins in another state of numbness. After a morning of false starts, I begin my normal writing ritual. As 8:30 a.m. ticks away on the clock, the numbness wins. I am not feeling it – my heart is not present – and even though I really want to get some writing done today, I reluctantly honor a self-commitment that I will never write if my heart says no.

An Energy Play

Since writing stirs resistance, I pick up a couple of books with an intention to read. Again, I simply stare off into blank space.

“F-it all” I exclaim in numb frustration. Suddenly, I burst into a few minutes of jaw-shaking tears.

As the tears fade, the center of my head is light with energy – a delightful dizzy sensation that has been playing with me a great deal lately.

Surrendering to this magical energy, I eagerly begin to play with it while reclining on my daybed.

Experience Before Thought

“I want to connect to my shaman roots in another dimension.” I express my intent in energetic meditation. “I want to experience that shaman part of me in a way that I cannot deny.”

After having expressed my manifest intent, I simply allow the thoughts to flow. Soon I am floating back into memories of a past life regression where I was a fisherman in Lake Titicaca.

“Was I a shaman in that lifetime?” I ponder with curiosity.

A definitive answer never comes, but a part of me wants to believe that maybe this is true.

“You can’t think yourself into a right-brained experience.” An inner voice whispers. “It is only after actually having an experience that your logical mind can get involved with interpretation.”

It all seems so clear now. Of course, I could never think myself into understanding the ocean, or knowing what salt tastes like. The only way to do either is through actually experiencing it. Then later, if I so desire, I can engage rational mind in attempting to interpret or describe – but the understanding is only real if it is actually experienced.

Rest And Regroup

As I further ponder, my heart feels increasingly powerful – but is still accompanied by a slight pain on the right side – a pain intuitively reminding me that the left-brain is still dominating and repressing.

For several hours, I simply enjoy a vibration-fest of meditative playing in the delightful energies that now flow through nearly every portion of my body. It seems that I am being given a reprieve from processing – an opportunity to rest and regroup – an opportunity to build trust and to reconnect with Source.

Alternate Passions

Tuesday afternoon, I finally begin something I have resisted for nearly a year.

In August 2010, I literally devoured two books on Sacred Geometry during my Sun Course at Las Piramides. Ever since that time so long ago, a part of me has wanted to go back and reread those two books.

As I crack the cover of “The Ancient Secret of The Flower Of Life” by Drunvalo Melchizedek, I am intrigued from the first page. For nearly eight hours, I read almost nonstop, skipping dinner until nearly bedtime.

It seems that I learned another lesson today. When my heart is not into writing, it does not mean that I cannot be passionate about something else. I loved both the magical meditation time of the morning, and my long afternoon of reading. I cannot wait to read more when time permits.

Another Bubbling Layer

Early Wednesday morning, I am delighted by an opportunity to connect, via Skype, with a dear friend back in Michigan. As we begin to talk about recent events in her life, she insists that we first focus on me and on my intense journey of the past week.

To my surprise, our inspired discussion focuses a great deal on anger and the childhood conditioning through which we both passed. Many times during this profound two-hour conversation, I reach the edge of tears as my intuitive friend pokes and prods me into additional understanding about myself and about her own experiences with my mother.

When I say my goodbye, I am both eager and nervous about what I now know lies ahead. In just a few hours I will be entering the unknown journey of yet-another chocolate ceremony – and I now recognize that another angry layer is bubbling at the surface, just waiting for the opportunity to free itself from my energy field.

A Fascinating Journey

As I ponder the unknown future, I am indeed grateful for the quote from the “Oneness” book that I shared earlier. It is a quote that gives me courage to ignore intellectual resistance – a quote that inspires me to surrender and allow these emotions to run through me, experiencing them to the core.

I clearly recognize that I am dealing with a deep core issue – a dysfunctional belief system that has crippled me and repeated itself in various situations throughout my entire life. Intuitively, I know that this is an issue that I cannot solve on my own. It is one that I can only solve through the assistance and flow of higher energies and higher guidance.

With nervousness, eagerness, and trust, I surrender and allow, curiously anticipating just what might be next in this fascinating journey toward love and emotional freedom.

To be continued …

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I stroll toward Keith’s porch on the final Sunday of October, I am energized and eagerly anticipating the unknown growth that lies ahead.

Repeatedly, personal experience has profoundly shown me that I either create or allow everything in my perceptual reality, yet my logical mind continues to stir up waves of doubt and resistance, attempting to derail my awakening journey in subtle ways.

One thing is certain, however. On a daily basis, I continue to gain more experience and trust. When I am on Keith’s magical porch, those rational-mind doubts easily take a back seat. Time and time again, I have watched with awe as the perfect combination of people and situations guide me to exactly where I need to go. I confidently trust that the chocolate ceremony today will be no exception.

Cuddly Puppies

To my delight, as I embrace the glow meditation, none of my all-too-familiar solar plexus pains seem to manifest in any way. Instead, I feel a sense of budding power in my heart chakra. Yet I do have some metaphorical pains – mild-but-prickly little pains jabbing me slightly in the far right regions of my chest.

As I ponder peacefully, feelings of self-love seem to congratulate me, telling me that I have made great progress in the area of balancing my heart chakra with love and power – but the gentle metaphorical pains hint that more heart integrations remains in my future.

“I wonder what heart growth will soon grace my presence.” I smile inside as I begin to imagine the little pains as cuddly puppies that are yapping for my love.

Warming My Heart

But my inner work is soon interrupted as I observe the profound energetic growth journey through which an older gentleman is passing on the porch.

“Your job right now is to hold space for this man.” Little Jedi voices whisper silently inside.

Soon I am sitting cross-legged on a pillow, just a couple of feet away from him, breathing energy into my heart while experiencing a strong sensation of balanced love and power. As rational mind remains clueless about what I am doing, I use my overflowing heart to radiate supporting love and light toward this man.

For the next hour, I watch and learn while observing the beautiful growth that unfolds in front of me. In a very physical way, the gentleman is experiencing a metaphorical “coldness” and has asked his beautiful wife to hold him, helping to warm his freezing body. Lying on the ground behind him, she warms his blanket-covered body with her own body heat, lovingly attending to his needs. Her love also warms my heart.

No Accident

Finally, as Keith finishes his first extended journey around the porch, he comes over to sit by my side. Still perched cross-legged on my pillow, I continue holding a powerful loving space, not only for this man, but for everyone else on the porch as well.

To my surprise, Keith quickly rests the palm of his right hand on my back, directly behind my heart. As I feel the warm flowing energy of Keith’s hand on my spine, I suddenly recognize that this area is swarming with intense pain. My first thought is that I have been sitting in an awkward position for a very long time, and that this pain is merely physical. Then, remembering that pain is resistance, I begin to question my experience.

“Is this physical or is it a metaphor?” I ask Keith with deep curiosity.

“I’m getting that it is a metaphor about receiving.” Keith soon responds. “It has to do with the back, or receptive side of your heart chakra.”

It is only later that I recognize the placement of Keith’s hand as having been no accident.

Instant Rewind

Almost immediately, Keith again moves on to work with someone else.

For a while, I maintain my cross-legged position, continuing to hold loving space for others on the porch. As I do so, I simultaneously focus on sending increased love to my own heart and back regions. While attempting to relax, I envision the sharp pains as dissolving and moving out of me – but the aches continue, and the muscle tightness does not even begin to lessen.

Finally, after deciding that it is time to focus on me, I return to my pillow by Keith’s kitchen door. I seem to be in two places at once. On the one hand, I watch as Keith engages in rational conversation with a group of four individuals. On the other hand, I curiously rewind an imaginary video tape of the previous two hours, reviewing “my creation,” wondering why I might have orchestrated those events, and pondering what the healing message might be for me.

Held Like That

The message of “blocked receptivity in my heart chakra” is loud and clear. I am still incapable of allowing myself to receive the type of loving support that I so deeply crave.

Immediately, I remember my divine circle of friends – a group of higher beings that I first discovered during a profound meditation last spring. Visualizing myself as being in their magical presence, I begin to ask all of them if they will please surround me, touch me, embrace me, and cuddle with me.

Suddenly I remember my warm feelings of watching a woman cuddle her husband, helping to warm him – a beautiful experience that was created right on the porch in front of me.

“I want to be held like that.” I beg my circle of higher-being friends. “Please hold me. Please cuddle with me.”

Subtle Resistance

As I drop my own resistance to being held and loved, tears begin to stream down my cheeks like tiny waterfalls.

I imagine a beautiful feminine angel holding me, cuddling me, gracing me with her unconditional presence. I begin to feel quite vulnerable as I envision myself being loved in a way that I rarely receive. Even though “craving” such love is one of my biggest fears, I surrender to the frightening realization that I do indeed crave it. Other than beautiful and frequent hugs with friends, physical touch is a rare event in my life.

“It is interesting that I am envisioning myself as being held by a female angel.” I suddenly ponder with insight. “Even though it is very subtle, I am still resisting masculine energy.”

Rejected And Feared

Immediately, I envision a handsome bare-chested male angel as being the divine presence that is cuddling me. This new ‘forbidden’ visualization triggers an increased wave of tear-filled emotional release and vulnerability.

After a while, I begin to ponder thoughts of my own inner masculine and feminine energies embracing each other. As I do so, the intensity of my tears again rises.

By now I am deeply engulfed in the pain of craving physical touch – in the inner conflict of wanting physical contact, but not allowing it – in the dysfunctional belief that I am defective and not worthy of such physical love. The emotions are powerful and overwhelming.

I continue to observe myself with awareness, allowing the emotions to flow, while not losing myself in them. The emotions come from a deeply suppressed craving that has shadowed me through most of my life – a rejected craving that has been profoundly feared and never fully healed.

Deeply Rooted

Eventually I recognize the core essence of my God/separation drama – the core belief that I will never get this kind of love – love that I crave and want. This dysfunctional belief dictates that I will not get human love from anyone in this physical plane, and that I will never receive true divine love from Source. Instead, I have to be tough and do it all alone, always unselfishly giving to others, but never receiving anything back.

“No matter how hard I try to prove myself worthy, the Universe will never fully reward me for what I desperately seek.” Those clever voices unceasingly taunt me.

Yup! I am right back experiencing the emotions of my inner conflict with Deity – feeling as if I have been abandoned by Source and that nothing I do will ever change that.

Giggles fill my heart as tears continue to flow down my cheeks. I clearly recognize the absurdity of this separation drama – but the roots of this illogical belief run very deep.

I am in a state of muddy clarity. My heart and mind both know the truth, but the unleashed emotions – emotions that I choose to allow and experience – are powerfully screaming the exact opposite.

Emotional Floodgates

In the middle of my silent journey with ever-deepening tears and piles of tissue, I watch and sniffle as Keith conducts a powerful “empath training” with a woman directly across the porch. She too is incapable of allowing love, and is frightened by the life-long experience that being loved by someone means that you get to eat and internalize all of their emotional garbage inside of your own body.

I observe with detached interest as tissues continue to pile up beside me. My emotional release is so overwhelming that I half expect Keith to involve me in the final part of the training – a part where the woman would practice assisting me to release my own deep emotion. But that never happens.

Instead, Keith turns toward me, congratulates me for moving to yet-another level, and begins to press his fingers tightly into the upper center of my heart chakra. This intense focus on the energies in my heart causes the emotional floodgates to open wide.

Lightness And Coolness

As Keith again moves on, I feel as if he has given me permission to just, “go for it.” Further surrendering to the emotions, I feel the buried loneliness consume me. I clearly recognize that what I am experiencing is NOT present-day emotion – but is instead emotion that has remained suppressed and unhealed for years and years.

I feel it to the core, letting myself sink into the experience, craving to be held, desperately needing to be validated, simultaneously feeling the futility, and believing that all hope is lost.

The tears flow on as I clearly begin to recognize that I subconsciously continue to equate love with pain, sadness, and difficulty – of eating the emotional garbage of others. Part of me does not yet feel safe with the thought of being loved at such a deep level. This subconscious part continues to block the reception of love. These buried fears are intense.

Finally, after nearly an hour, the tears dry up and I return to present-day reality. With a sense of new peace and clarity, I sink deep into meditation, bringing in light and higher energy. A pleasant sensation of “relaxed cool breeze” permeates the back of my heart chakra, letting me know that something is opening.

Pity Party Invitation

As I prepare to walk home, a doubting part of me does not believe that I have cried enough – telling me that I need to go home and bawl my eyes out all night until every last drop of this emotion has been released

This pity-party invitation feels quite inviting, but is quickly sidetracked. Before leaving, I instead spend twenty minutes assisting Keith in putting away over two-hundred pounds of drying cacao beans. By the time I arrive at home, the emotional sadness is gone, my heart is energized, and I fully recognize that I have already accomplished everything I needed to do, at least for now.

I felt the unreleased emotions to the core, I allowed them to flow through me, I brought in the light to assist, and I trust that if there is yet more to do then it will come up another day.

A Lost Encounter

Monday turns into another documentary marathon. Likewise, after spending Tuesday morning sorting through (and cutting up) chunks of foam rubber for my new over-stuffed pillows, the remainder of Tuesday turns into the beginning of a new marathon of sorts.

While in Cozumel during the fall of 2009, I had begun using television as an occasional pastime for learning Spanish. Reruns of the television series “Lost” quickly became one of my favorite Spanish-study diversions. For some strange reason, the metaphysical twists of the show captivated me, intriguing me, luring me to watch more.

During the early weeks of 2010, while recovering from a third degree burn in Valladolid, I had spent several weekends watching back-to-back marathons of the first five seasons of the television series “Lost” – in their entirety. In mid-February, just as the new season six was beginning, I found myself heading south toward Belize.

“Someday I will watch season six.” I reassured myself, knowing that this would happen with perfect synchronous timing.

Last week, to my delight, I stumbled onto the ability to do just that. As I spend the remainder of Tuesday watching the first several episodes, I am intrigued, once again.

Noisy Nuisances

After a Wednesday morning of more “pillow-foam cutting” and “Lost episodes,” I head out for what turns into another very unusual chocolate ceremony.

There are only three of us present – Keith, me, and another friend. She is a friend who, like me, is quite accustomed to doing her own inner work by herself, in complete silence.

Before beginning the ceremony, I find myself giggling as we discuss my ongoing journey with noise – a journey that began in Mexico and has continued right here in San Marcos. For fifteen minutes, I share about how I have learned to tune out earth-shattering noises such as an array of thirty huge speakers aimed right at my home during the town festivities last April.

And I have long-since acquired the ability to hardly even pay attention to loud church services that often compete with each other via loudspeakers – usually for several hours duration on at least four or five evenings each and every week.

Then I confess that there remains one noise here in San Marcos that is capable of occasionally driving me crazy. It comes from an old man in a wheelchair that sits at a small vendor booth, right below my bedroom window. He loves to whistle and to play the flute – and he does both very loudly and off key, nearly nonstop whenever he is working, which is often until late into the evening. (In fact, as I write these very words, this sweet man is whistling quite loudly, LOL.)

My Favorite Walls

This first Wednesday ceremony of November begins in an impromptu manner. As Keith abandons our usual glow meditation (since we are all quite familiar with self-processing), our ceremony jumps directly into individual meditation.

It takes me nearly an hour of silently enjoying the energies before I begin to get serious about “what to work on.” As I start to focus, intuitions suddenly remind me of the “noise” discussion that preceded the ceremony.

“When I was young, I desperately needed noise and distractions to keep me emotionally safe.” A new memory suddenly flashes into my mind.

I was terrified that people would discover my secret – my inner struggles with gender identity – and as a result, I erected huge walls and barriers around my inner thoughts and feelings. Noises and distractions were among my favorite walls. When other people or noisy activities were taking place, I could simply drift into the background, disappearing in the shuffle, safe from inquiring minds and eyes.

Strange Paradox

During my teens, I was terrified by the thought of being in a long-term one-on-one conversation with anyone. During my adult years, especially in my thirties, I made a specific point of never allowing myself to be alone with my parents. They would have too much opportunity for awkward and prying questions. The only time I allowed myself to be in their presence was when others were around to distract and divert.

Prior to this moment, I have never understood this point so clearly. Noise and distraction had indeed become protective safety nets.

It was a strange paradox – I hated crowds of strange people because I was such a social misfit – but I craved crowds of familiar people because I was such a social misfit. How else could I blend in and hide?

Recipe For Confusion

As I suddenly start to feel mild aches popping up in my stomach region, I begin to search for inner guidance to this new trail of metaphorical breadcrumbs.

“Should I ask the light to come in and help with this pain?” I begin to ponder with doubts. “Or perhaps I should bring in angels to help me do something.”

“Maybe I should ask the angels to hook up a hose to the emotion and drain it off into a hole like I did last year … or maybe I should see these new pains as puppies that merely need my unconditional love and support.”

“But what if I just love them and they never heal.” I ponder with fright. “I don’t want to be stuck with these pains. I want them out of me.”

“I want to push the healing process.” I ponder with confusion. “Yet I know that I am not supposed to push the healing process.”

God Drama Perpetuated

“I want help and guidance.” I ponder with frustration.

More than an hour of silent meditation has passed peacefully. When I glance over at Keith, I note that he seems deeply immersed in his own inner journey. I hesitate to interrupt him when I know that I am simply filled with silly doubts.

“I shouldn’t ask for help.” I chastise myself. “I should already know how to do this on my own.”

“But what do I do?” I bite my lip. “I am lost.”

Suddenly I recognize that by not asking, I am perpetuating my God/separation drama. I am afraid that I will be a pest by asking – that I don’t deserve the help – that I have already been told how to do this countless times, and that I will reveal my stupidity by asking yet again. I am lost in the belief that “I cannot do this alone, and I also cannot get the help I need.”

Unattached Following

Minutes after recognizing my separation drama at work, I set aside my resistance, interrupt Keith, and express my dilemma. Keith responds with something I deeply crave – a great deal of loving and patiently delivered rational-mind coaching.

“Inner work with the energies is just like manifesting.” Keith reminds me. “You simply intend and then allow, making your wishes and directions known, trying certain things, and then allowing the result to be whatever it is.”

He explains that above all else, I should simply follow inner guidance without attachment to outcome. I am on a learning journey, and everything I do will take me down that path in one way or another. In the absence of firm guidance, I can just try things that feel right. There is nothing wrong with bringing in light and asking the higher energies to remove a painful block. It is absolutely fine to request that metaphorical angels hook up a fire hose to drain emotional energy from my abdomen. The key is to follow my intuitions – to lovingly try something – and then see what happens.

If what I try or ask for is not in my best interest, it will simply not work. If the method seemingly backfires on me (as it has a few times in the past), that is merely a teaching opportunity about the subtleties of healing. There is no right and wrong, and I cannot miss something. Everything is simply a beautiful learning opportunity.

The only thing to avoid is attempting to push a process with an intention of fixing a problem. When following the flow, motivated by love and a desire to grow, having no attachment to outcome, I cannot go wrong.

Left-Brain Bargaining

Our conversation further spreads to the importance of the left-brain in general. Again, Keith reminds me that he has never once heard an enlightened being put down the rational mind.

I giggle as I share several experience from my life where I have literally bargained with my logical mind, asking for permission to try something in the intuitive/right-brained realm while reassuring the rational side of me that we can always fall back on logic and structure if the intuition fails to be accurate.

This strategy has worked repeatedly throughout the last eight years, making it possible to follow intuition without the logical side of me throwing up huge roadblocks. To this day, I cannot think of one incident where the right-brain intuition failed to produce beautiful results.

Got The T-Shirt

As I return to silent meditation, I overflow with deep gratitude. This discussion further helps me to balance my growing partnership between head and heart, between logic and intuition, between left and right brains.

I recognize that my particular life path has literally taken me deep into the quicksand of being lost in the left-brained world of logic – an event that was profoundly important to my mission in this life. Because of this deep rational-mind focus, when I do get through this transition to a heart-based world, I will be profoundly qualified to assist others in doing the same.

Keith often explains to people that when working with others, they cannot get the learning and experience they need by simply reading a book. He often jokes that to earn your “inner” license, you have to have “Been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.”

It seems like I am definitely preparing for my future – and I can proudly proclaim that I do indeed have that T-shirt.

Serious Business

Shortly before 5:00 p.m., my friend (I will call her Sandi) and I exchange hugs with Keith and begin walking together back toward the center of town. As we reach her hostel, Sandi and I look at each other, smile with joint intuition, and decide that for the second Wednesday in a row, we are going to dinner together.

While munching away on a delightful burger and fries (my inner children are craving them), Sandi and I discuss a myriad of life and spiritual issues – starting out by conversing about “serious stuff.”

In the middle of this joyful-but-somber spiritual conversation, I mention that one of my goals is to learn how not to take life so seriously. Suddenly, the two of us shift into nonstop humorous sarcasm – making joke after joke about how serious our lives are. For the majority of our three-hour conversation, we enjoy one sarcastic giggle after another.

When I get home, I of course must repent, because, after all, life is indeed “serious business.” NOT!

I have not had this much fun in a long time – and most of the joy comes from the profound realization that even a spiritual path is meant to be joyful and playful.

WOW

Late Wednesday evening, and most of Thursday (after a much-needed cash/grocery run to Panajachel), I find myself glued to my computer screen as I watch the remaining episodes of “Lost” season six.

“Wow” is a profound way of describing my reaction to this amazing television series. I do not know if others will feel the same way – that does not matter to me in the least. Perhaps the whole series was created just for me (after all, I do create my own reality). I cannot imagine a more powerful and enlightening way to spend a few days of my time – and the synchronous timing of it all could not have been more perfect. Even just a few months ago, I was not yet ready to internalize these profound insights.

I hesitate to say a great deal in writing. I do not wish to ruin the series for anyone who may yet choose to watch it. Throughout the first five seasons, I had been fascinated by the intriguing metaphysical threads. The sixth season did not disappoint me in any way – taking the series to what I see as a deeply spiritual and meaningful conclusion.

Flowing With Giggles

Even the name “Lost” now makes profound sense to me. While I originally believed the name as simply indicating that the people were lost on the island, I now see it with a profound second meaning – that they were deeply lost in the illusion that we call this physical life. In one episode near the very end, one man suddenly has a near-death experience that literally wakes him up.

It is not obvious until the final episode, but this man had woken up in the dream – he suddenly realized that it did not matter what he did – because none of it would make any difference in the outcome – a loving outcome that was assured. This beautiful man went about joyfully assisting others in gradually waking up to the truth as well – no longer being attached to the results. Because he knew a bigger picture, he was filled with trust, smiles, love, and peace.

As I watch, I am overwhelmed with continuous insights into creation of reality, parallel realities, love, releasing attachments, following synchronicities, and in simply having fun through it all.

Many times during the final episode, I find myself in joyful tears as I ponder the metaphorical realizations that are bubbling and waking up inside of me – an ever increasing understanding that I too can simply love and trust – flowing with joyful giggles from one experience to the next – filled with the peace that all is well.

The Fun Bus

It is so easy to get “Lost” in the serious business of this place we call Planet Earth. I have been lost there for the vast majority of my life. Yes, I now see more clearly than ever that I need not do or accomplish physical things in order to merit enlightenment. All I need do is to undo all of the lies (beliefs and emotions) that trap me in the illusion while simultaneously doing things that bring me meaningful joy.

For many months, I have been keenly aware that it is time for me to learn how to stop taking life so seriously – to start taking the fun bus on my journey toward enlightenment. However, regardless of what I have tried, I have found myself still stuck in the seriousness of it all.

This week, through several totally-unrelated-but-synchronous experiences, I have profoundly learned – at a deep heart level – that joy and love are indeed what everything is all about.

I am of divine origin (as are we all) and a safe return to that divine Source has already happened. I am simply playing out the journey in linear time – on the Holodeck of physical reality.

I know that I will most certainly stumble and fall into additional illusory traps of “serious business,” but right now, I can only giggle. I think I might be holding a ticket to the fun bus.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I arise earlier than normal on Monday morning, eagerness swells in my heart. Today I take a break from writing and inner processing. I am going with my young friend Isaias on an adventure to the mountains – a trip to visit with his Shaman teacher (Mayan Priestess).

For more than a month, I have eagerly anticipated my participation in this sacred journey with Isaias – but the adventure is not shaping up to be what I expected. I wanted the trip to be small and special … just me, Isaias, and perhaps his beautiful wife. Yesterday, I cringed with frustrated attachment when the two men from our Sunday chocolate ceremony were both unexpectedly invited to tag along.

It seems that the Universe is conspiring – almost laughing in my face – forcing me to confront my ongoing judgments and rejections of masculine energies.

Off To The Races

The first leg of our journey involves a bumpy Tuk-Tuk ride from the center of San Marcos to nearby San Pablo. With five of us squeezed into the tiny three-wheeled motorcycle taxi, we bump and swerve as our young Mayan driver skillfully manipulates his way around most of the rocks and drying mud that still cover many of the storm-damaged roads.

Once in San Pablo, we are fortunate to catch what most westerners refer to as a “chicken bus” – an old school bus, imported from the states, turned into a crowded public transport. The name “chicken bus” comes from the fact that the locals often carry just about anything in these busses – including live chickens. I can only giggle as I squeeze down an extremely packed aisle, attempting to find a place to stand. Three tightly squeezed passengers occupy each two-person bench. The middle passengers overlap halfway into the aisle, leaving little room to maneuver.

As we wind our way up steep and narrow switchbacks, I giggle and hold my breath as the bus comes to one particularly sharp corner. The driver literally stops, puts the gearshift in reverse, and backs up toward the edge of a cliff, giving him just enough extra space to complete the sharp left turn. At every blind corner, the driver honks loudly to warn oncoming traffic, while continuing to zoom ever-upward at what feel like near-racecar speeds.

Soon we are bouncing wildly over pot-hole-filled roads as we make our way down the other side of the tall mountains that surround Lake Atitlan. At last, we reach the main Inter-Americas highway.

Rural Magic

Eventually, after a period of much smoother travel, Isaias signals that we need to squeeze our way toward the front of the bus. Ten minutes later, after having scurried across a pedestrian bridge over the main highway, we find ourselves standing up in the back of an open-air pickup truck, hanging onto metal bars that form a sort-of protective passenger cage. Such pickup transports are quite common in the rural areas of Guatemala. After a gradual uphill climb on winding dirt roads, we finally reach our destination – the home of Isaias’s teacher – a beautiful little home in a tiny village – a rural area surrounded by mountains, cornfields, and magical energy.

The total cost of this two-hour journey, including a Tuk-Tuk, a bus, and a pickup truck is a whopping sixteen quetzales – just over $2.00 US.

Magical Mayan Mentor

The amazing fire ceremony goes on for over three hours as Isaias engages in learning opportunities with his beautiful Mayan teacher. Most of the spiritual conversation and ceremony take place in a mixture of Spanish and Mayan dialects. Periodically Isaias stops to translate a few things for the two men who do not otherwise understand any of the words being spoken.

It does not take long for me to drop unfounded ego projections and judgments of previously unwanted masculine energy. These two men bring with them a beautiful and loving energy – one that greatly contributes to the wonder and magic of the experience. I look inward on a journey of ‘know myself’, as I further contemplate the bizarre haste with which I originally sought to condemn their presence.

And I must say, I quickly fall in love with the beautiful energy of this Mayan Shaman/Priestess. Isaias is indeed quite lucky to have such a magical mentor to teach him the traditions of his ancient ancestors– and I feel blessed to share in the energizing experience.

Squished But Comfy

Shortly after noon, we return to the main highway in another pickup truck. This one actually has benches on which to sit – but I quickly learn that the ride is much easier on my bumping body when I stand up, allowing my knees to cushion the impact of the bumps.

At the main highway, the first transport that comes along is a sixteen-passenger minibus. I am lucky to find a spot to sit in the second-from-the-back bench – a very “comfy” spot where I sit in the narrow aisle, mostly perched between the bench and a single seat by the window. I am quite amazed by the stability and comfort of sitting on such an open-air bottomless seat – the pressure of two bodies pushing into me from either side, combined with the support of each butt-cheek barely resting on the edge of opposite seats, actually holds me up quite nicely.

Three of my travel mates end up having to stand in the doorway as we zoom down the highway with over twenty people crowded into this tiny van. By the time we turn off the main highway back toward Lake Atitlan, there has been enough turnover that each of us has managed to find a squished-but-comfy seat.

Better Than An Amusement Park

Our van ride ends as we reach the town of Santa Clara, about halfway back down the mountain toward the lake. Before catching our next transport, Isaias expresses his sense of starvation. Minutes later, the five of us sit in a small comedor (kitchen) near the town square of this small mountain town. For twenty quetzales (about $2.60 U.S.), I enjoy a chunk of chicken breast, accompanied by rice, beans, a small salad, all-you-can-eat corn tortillas, and a soft drink.

Soon, we begin our final descent toward the beautiful shores of Lake Atitlan – this time riding in the back of another open-air pickup truck. The experience is much more fun than any amusement park on the planet. Imagine standing up in the back of a pickup truck while racing down steep roads, zooming around sharp switchbacks, and often feeling the tires slightly slip and slide over loose dirt as the driver begins to tap the breaks.

The lake view below is beyond gorgeous as the wind blows wildly through my unrestrained and now-tangled hair. This dark blue lake surrounded by volcanoes is indeed one of the most beautiful in the world.

Finally, after one last Tuk-Tuk ride, I am back in my cozy apartment, energetically rejuvenated and physically drained. What a beautiful day – a day filled with adventure, spiritual growth, and magical energy.

Inexplicable Inner Urge

Tuesday, after spending the day working on “Relationship Rehab,” I find myself continuing to feel inexplicably drawn to watching a series of documentary movies that I have on an external hard drive. First, it was movies dealing with ancient Egypt, and the history of the world. But now I find myself, for no obvious reason, fascinated by an inner urge to explore an entire collection of government and world conspiracy-theory movies.

“I wonder where this unexpected movie marathon will lead.” I ponder with curiosity as I later drift off toward dreamland.

Puppy Pondering

As the chocolate ceremony gets underway on Wednesday, October 26, I experience painful prickles in my abdomen.

“Not again.” I begin to initially judge, feeling tired of this frequent and never-ending metaphor.

Almost immediately, I remember my own writing in “Relationship Rehab” – a blog that I finished editing and posting just this morning.

“Of course,” I ponder with excited clarity. “These pains in my solar plexus are frightened puppies – each being a real and wholesome energy that is literally terrified of me.”

Quickly, I begin to send unconditional love to these rejected and suffering parts of my own energy field – parts of me that I desire to reintegrate into my life.

“When you are ready,” I meditatively speak to the puppies, “I would like to invite you to join me in my heart.”

Puppy Love

Seconds later, I immerse myself in the early stages of a process that lasts for hours. It begins when I attempt to expand and fill my heart chakra so that I can share energy with another woman seated next to me. A wave of unexpected fear streams into my emotional body as I start to feel my heart expand. Having no idea as to the origin or the “why” of this fear, I simply know that the idea of heart expansion triggers these fearful subconscious emotions.

“I wonder if this fear is actually the trepidation of my own energy prior to reintegrating with me.” I ponder.

As I focus on the pains in my abdomen, I imagine each as a scared puppy. One by one, I imagine a puppy moving into my heart. As I do so, the pain disappears from my abdomen, it transmutes into a strengthening sensation in my heart chakra – a physical sensation of pressure and power in my chest. As other pains soon begin to surface in my solar plexus, I repeat the process.

Very frequently, I experience brief waves of intense fearful emotion – emotion that is precisely timed to the movement of some of the puppies. As these shaking fears consume me, I simply imagine myself holding a frightened puppy up to my heart, sending warm unconditional love, with no judgment whatsoever.

After a while, the intense pressurized-power sensation moves higher and higher in my chest, expanding into the high heart and collarbone regions.

Empty Space

This puppy meditation remains quite powerful throughout the first few hours of the ceremony, but eventually I reach a period of calm stability. The pains in my solar plexus have ceased to surface, and my heart chakra remains powerfully energized. The only way I could describe the sensation would be to imagine my chest as a tightly stretched balloon that someone overfilled with air.

After a long while, I begin to experience new prickly pains – these being in my second chakra, below the belly button. Intuitively, rather than seeing these new pains as being more puppy pains, I recognize them as the pain of inner resistance – a sense of resistance signaling to me that something wants to come in – something that I am not allowing.

“Of course,” I quickly recognize, “I need to bring in light, as well as part of my own magical self that was pushed out long ago. This part of me wants to return to occupy its rightful home in my energy field – space that is now available since the puppies moved into my heart chakra.”

Allow And Love

I work with this energy of “soul retrieval” for an hour or so, but sense that my efforts are not entirely successful. Occasionally I experience the sensation of growth, or of power returning, but the prickly resistant pain continues to poke.

“Help,” I finally beg Keith for guidance before explaining my intuitions and my inability to move forward.

“I’m getting that you need to just love the pains.” Keith responds after checking his own guidance. “Simply accept them as being part of your process, and love them for where they are right now.”

As I stop trying to do anything, and instead simply allow, the pains relax, bringing a sensation of calmness and peace.

“Good, Brenda,” Keith briefly returns to speak to me. “Now your energy is a lot more relaxed and peaceful. What you are doing is working.”

Flash Flood Insights

As the ceremony nears conclusion, one woman suddenly sinks into profound emotion surrounding her own pain, and the pain of other children who come into this life only to be shutdown by parents and society. As she tearfully expresses her intense sadness at seeing the suffering of these children – at recognizing that they actually chose their suffering – I experience a deep and intense energetic connection with her process.

I profoundly experience this pain – as if memories of my own childhood pain are being triggered in a new and powerful way. Rather than resist, I allow the emotions to flow through me, as if a huge flash flood rampages through my soul and then quickly passes.

Intuitively, I know that I just experienced Bobby and Sharon’s anguish – my own inner children suffering as I faced the decision to willfully choose my own energetic childhood shutdown. This brief emotional storm gives me an unexpected glimpse into what it must have been like to face such a difficult choice – a painful decision with so many hidden blessings.

A Strange Pursuit

Thursday morning, as I honor feelings telling me “Nope … you’re not writing today” – I am quite surprised when I instead feel drawn to resume the watching of more conspiracy theory documentaries.

I am even more surprised when I find myself driven to continue watching back-to-back documentaries throughout the entire day – from 8:00 a.m. until after 9:00 p.m. – only stopping for lunch and dinner breaks.

Something inside of me is deeply curious and yearning to observe and to understand the contents of each movie. Many things resonate powerfully as being true, while others simply resonate as interesting-but-questionable. The concepts discussed are quite eye opening, startling, and reality shaking.

But above everything, I am amazed by the powerful peace that permeates my heart throughout the entire process. There are no traces of the anger, judgment, or agitation that I might have expected.

Deep curiosity giggles in my soul, wondering just why I am spending so much time in such a strange pursuit.

Holding Space

Shortly after noon, on Friday, October 28, Keith and I find ourselves beginning a private chocolate ceremony – the setting being across the lake in San Pedro – the group being another beautiful Guatemala tour group, along with some of their friends.

As Keith begins to guide people through the glow meditation, I do what I do best. I begin to hold a powerful heart space. With each deep relaxed in-breath, I imagine my heart filling with white light, expanding my heart to the point of overflowing. Having no rational-mind explanation for what I am doing, I simply imagine my heart field expanding to include the entire group of around fifteen. Occasionally I focus my attention onto one or two specific people. Always, I focus on sharing high vibration, unconditionally loving, non-fixing, energy with anyone who will receive.

In fact, I spend nearly four hours simply using my breath to inhale energy into my heart, feeling it overflow, and radiating that loving energy to others. I am utterly delighted when none of my own emotional issues come up for processing.

Amazing Feedback

During the ceremony, one powerful empath suddenly locks eyes with me. We exchange unblinking stares for over ten minutes as I feel a deep and unexplainable heart connection between us.

After the ceremony, when I ask her for rational-mind feedback, she explains that with her eyes still closed, she had felt a powerful energy encompassing the entire group. As she opened her eyes to see where it was coming from, she immediately recognized it as coming from me, and that when we locked eyes, she felt my heart energy reach out even more powerfully, directly to her, surrounding her with loving, supportive, non-fixing, space-holding energy.

In a brief conversation with yet-another woman, she told me something very similar.

I am blown away by such amazing feedback. I know that my heart is overflowing with power, and I intuitively recognize that it is doing something beyond my understanding. But my head logic simply has no rational-mind awareness as to what that “mystery action” actually is.

Two Frogs

“Keith,” I ask later, “can you provide some type of rational-mind feedback regarding what I was doing today?”

With a smile on his face, Keith explains that in my case it is necessary to keep my head out of the equation – that I need to experience my own gifts first – that in time the head knowledge that I seek will indeed be filled in.

I again ponder my dear friend Serg’s little metaphor of the two frogs – one living in a well and one living by the ocean. The beach frog found it impossible to describe the wonders of the ocean to the little frog trapped in his “well-based” reality.

“I really need to experience the ocean in a deeply personal way.” I reassure a logical mind starved for further involvement. “It is only after I walk barefoot in the sand … after I swim in the crashing surf … that I will really understand. Then, after having had such an experience, words will never do it justice.”

Surrounded By Fire

In a beautiful completion to an adventurous week, I end Friday evening in much the same way that I began Monday morning – with a heartfelt and deeply spiritual Mayan fire ceremony.

The tour group leaders have invited “Tata Pedro” – a local shaman – to perform a fire ceremony as a way to end their last evening here at Lake Atitlan.

It is nearly 9:30 p.m., as Keith and I climb with the rest of the group into the back of a pickup-transport for our fifteen-minute ride back to the boat docks. There, a private boat awaits our arrival.

After disembarking in San Marcos, Keith waits on the sidewalk below as I walk up my steps, let myself in to my apartment, and call out “all is well, I’m safely inside.”

The clock reads 10:25 p.m. as I sit at my computer with intentions to check a few brief emails.

What’s The Point?

But to my shock, I am once again glued to my computer screen, finishing the second half of a conspiracy documentary that I had begun this morning.

As 11:30 p.m. finally rolls around, I begin to ponder, “Why am I so obsessed with watching these videos this week?”

Watching such videos a few years back would have totally agitated me. During the first forty years of my life I would never have ‘wasted my time’ in such pursuits, believing the theories to all be false because they were just “too far out there” – believing that government and business could not possibly be so corrupt as to do some of the things people were accusing them of doing.

Then, at around age forty-five, I began to acknowledge that perhaps many of the conspiracies might have some truth – but I refused to watch them because I did not want to be drawn in. I was (and still am) on a spiritual path of seeing everything as an inside job.

“What point could it serve me to look at such things in the outside world?” I had often asked myself.

As Above So Below

All week, whenever I have watched these movies, I found myself simply observing them … learning from them … remaining completely centered, peaceful, and loving … simply satisfying a curiosity … never knowing where the journey was leading me.

Suddenly a spiritual teaching taught by Hermes flashes into my mind, namely: “As above so below.”

“Could it be that this entire world of external conspiracies (above) really exists inside of me (below)?” I ponder with sudden soul-searching curiosity and honesty.

“I know that I either create or allow everything in my reality.” I further ponder. “Why would I be living in a reality where so many powerful and greedy men seek to suppress my individual power, to keep me shutdown and in the dark as to who I really am?”

Ego Conspiracies

As I begin to ponder my inner reality as it relates to the “conspiracy theories” in our physical world, the process is mindboggling.

Ego has set itself up as my hidden and secret leader, hiding in plain sight, right inside of me, masquerading as me, pretending to be me, running my inner government through deception and fraud without me even suspecting the truth.

Ego tells me I am separate and insignificant, undeserving, unlovable, not at all connected to divine Source – and that I should hate or be suspicious of anything outside of me, or that is different from me – that love is foolish and risky business – that a strong defense is the only way to go.

Ego constantly lies to me, keeping me in the dark as to who I really am, denying the magic that I possess inside, and always insisting that I must rely solely on its guidance or else I will be doomed.

Ego stirs up one terrorizing fearful situation after another, making me the victim of others, attempting to keep me consumed by terror and dysfunctional behaviors, constantly creating inner battles and wars as a way of controlling me.

Ego starves me financially (energetically), keeping me trapped in the dependence and struggle to simply survive. If any type of promising relief or solution enters my horizon, ego does everything possible to suppress that information, to belittle it, and to discourage me from pursuing that silly direction.

Ego provides me with countless daily distractions and entertainment so that I will have neither the time nor the actual desire to look beneath the surface-appearance of anything.

Ego’s fraud and deception is so convincing and cunning that I am often blinded, refusing to question my reality. It is nearly impossible to believe that such a fraudulent and powerful source of greed and control could get away with such all-encompassing deception for so very long.

And the list of ego parallels could go on for a very long time …

Energy Awakenings

As I finally retire just before midnight on Friday evening, I am alive with flowing energy – everywhere in my body – as if new energy channels are randomly waking up with tiny lightning bolts.

Intuitively I know that this process of “uncovering more inner lies” is leading to new and profound awakening of additional energetic truth inside of me. The energy activity is both exciting and somewhat uncomfortable, especially in the legs. If I did not know better, I might assume that I had Restless Leg Syndrome, as my legs repeatedly twitch with these energy spikes.

The activity is so profound and physically uncomfortable, that I finally give up on sleep, or even reclining, switching instead to an upright meditation position until the wee morning hours. Finally, my body gives out and broken sleep is forthcoming – but the insights and parallels continue to flow all night long.

Even Saturday, as I write and integrate, I continue to experience occasional waves of new insights.

Conspiracy Consciousness

So do I believe the things I have been watching in these conspiracy theory documentaries?

Actually, much (if not most) of the information resonates with me as being quite true in a physical-world sense. Having lived most of my life with perceptual blinders – blinders that were taught to me by parents, religion, and culture – I was incapable of seeing or interpreting what was going on around me through anything other than the dark obscured sunglasses that were given to me by others. Those were the lenses of my childhood shutdown.

But even though I now see things much more clearly, I will not judge the outside world as good, bad, right or wrong. Instead, I choose to see everything “out there” as being a mirror image of what is going on inside of me. I strive to remove my own dark lenses, to clarify my vision to the point that I can see the divine light and truth behind all of the external masks.

I continue to trust that I create my own reality, and that everything “out there” serves a useful purpose – showing me the lies in order to help me discover and wake up to the truth. As part of that “waking up” process, I will continue to raise the vibration of my own inner world while exploring everything in the outer world that triggers low-vibration responses in my heart.

Self-Transformation

I am fascinated by the “Occupy” movements that are forming all over the planet. The thing for which I am most grateful is that their actions have caused me to increase my curiosity and awareness– to learn more about what is happening “out there.” While my heart does not guide me to stand up and protest in the outside world, my exploration of the outside reality has caused me to peel away many more layers of the lies blocking me from seeing the truth in my inner reality. I will definitely be occupying many more of my present moments, refusing to sit idly by while ego rampages through the sacred institutions of my inner life.

Recently, I came across the following quote from Lao Tzu – one that profoundly speaks my own truth. I could never say it better myself:

“If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I walk into Keith’s kitchen, quickly summarizing my intense journey of the past two days, I continue to feel as if I were emotionally run over by a large truck. It is noon on Wednesday, October 19 – thirty minutes prior to yet-another chocolate ceremony. I have intentionally arrived a little earlier than normal, hoping to receive some much needed encouragement and feedback.

“My guidance tells me that what you have been doing is perfect.” Keith smiles and lovingly congratulates me. “My feedback is that you are doing a wonderful job of following the flow of your higher energies. Just keep on doing that.”

Roaming Charges

Within seconds of entering our first meditation of the chocolate ceremony, I begin to experience increasing agitation in my solar plexus. As time progresses, while attempting to simply allow the pains to consume me, the rumbling protest in my tummy becomes so uncomfortable that I desperately want to judge it, to fix it, to repress it, to make it all go away.

“Surrender to the pain.” Keith guides me when the meditation is over. “Just keep following the metaphorical breadcrumbs.”

That is not what I want to hear. The agitation is so uncomfortable that I just want to scream. I am growing impatient and tired of this never ending solar plexus rebellion.

To my surprise, as I allow and let go – simply observing with no judgment – the pains begin to move around. After first manifesting as a dull ache in the center of my heart chakra, the emotionally-charged pains gradually move down to the lower reaches of my second chakra.

Sexual Synchronicities

Meanwhile, Keith has worked his way halfway around the porch, working with a young man who begins to talk about the confusing sexual energies in his second chakra.

“The pains in my second chakra are telling me that today’s work will focus on healing my own sexual energies.” I intuitively recognize as I watch the movie screen of my external reality literally show me what I need to work with on the inside.

“Bring the second-chakra energy up to your heart.” Keith coaches the young man repeatedly.

As I watch with deep curiosity, Keith spends considerable time explaining to the young man about the importance of allowing the energy from our lower chakras to rise up into our heart chakra. He explains three different levels of how this sexual energy can be utilized – sex for sex, sex for love, and sex for divine connection.

Sexual Guilt

As this conversation unfolds, rather than hearing and understanding the intricacies of what Keith is attempting to teach, I focus on only one thing.

“For me, in my life,” I ponder with shock, “blocked sexual energies simply created guilt and shame-filled panic.”

In the midst of my teenage gender struggles and absolute absence of any parental guidance, I believed sex was something that would take me straight to hell … that there was nothing at all divine about it. Any attempt to secretly explore my gender confusion was invariably tied to this intense sexual energy of guilt and shame. During those troubling-teens, when sexual energy did surface, when it did force its way into self-expression, I knew that I was on a fast-track to being the Devil’s eternal roommate.

Straight To The Spot

While remaining in silent meditation, I focus all of my intention on allowing mild sexual energies to form in my own second chakra, using my heart and mind in an attempt to guide those fleeting energies to rise into my heart – yet the energies seem stuck, both damned and dammed – having no place to flow.

In the midst of making no progress, memories continue to flood my awareness – memories of how guilt had been my prominent sexual partner, even in the midst of a religion-sanctioned marriage. Free expression of sexual feelings carried so many religious/cultural guilt-laden restrictions – dropping huge anchors that kept me stuck to the fears and shame of the past – keeping me confused in the “dos and don’ts” of the religious dogma of the present.

While pondering all of these “dirty, evil, shameful” memories, I continue an effort to intend-and-allow a small amount of sexual energy to rise from my second chakra. Finally, I am delighted to sense a small thread of energy rise up through my solar plexus. I am not the least bit surprised when the energy heads straight for that “nail-in-my-heart” spot, lightly soothing the dull-ache that remains present.

“Isn’t that interesting?” I think to myself. “This tiny bit of spiritual/sexual energy went straight to the spot that metaphorically reminds me how I was figuratively crucified in the name of religion.”

God/Separation Drama Revisited

A few minutes later, my process is interrupted by the work of a young man seated next to me. He is confronting a buried emotional blockage that has him profoundly stuck. I am surprised when Keith explains that he is dealing with his God/separation drama.

I am delighted when Keith asks me to explain my own struggles with a similar journey – one that emerged last winter – one in which I felt abandoned, alone, and helpless – one where I absolutely knew that no teacher would ever be able to help me, nor will God/ Source/ Higher Energies really help me either – one where I am doomed to be rejected and forgotten, always having to do it all by myself.

Where Did That Come From?

But my thoughts about God drama are quickly interrupted when the young man with whom Keith was working earlier suddenly explodes with joy. He has succeeded in bringing second chakra energy up to his heart chakra, and is so filled with overwhelming excitement and unconditional love that he cannot contain himself.

To my dismay, I find myself experiencing judgmental feelings, with a strong part of me wanting to reject the young man as spewing ugly masculine energy that is disrupting my peace.

“I don’t want that nasty masculine energy exploding all over me.” I feel my heart exclaiming with disgust.

“Wow.” I ponder with shock and surprise. “Where did that unexpected judgment come from? Do my inner energies really feel this way? This young man is expressing nothing but genuine love, and I am projecting all over him.”

Masculine Mysteries

Rather than verbalizing my surprise journey, I simply go deeper. It does not take rocket science to recognize that I continue to internalize deep fear, panic, and dysfunctional beliefs about not wanting to engage in another relationship – about refusing to even entertain the idea.

Not only do I fear that a partner would jeopardize the relationship with my children, but apparently, I also remain terrorized that masculine energy will attempt to dominate and control me – or on the flip side it will utterly reject me.”

“How can I still feel this way?” I ponder with increased puzzlement. “On a nearly daily basis, I see beautiful examples of men that are kind, humble, balanced, and deeply spiritual. Why do I continue to project such unhealthy fear of domination onto the male species?”

Relationship Rejection

It seems that I can feel strong unconditional love toward most any man … but the moment that any man becomes a possible partner, even as a passing thought, I project all over the place.

Yes, I am terrified of relationships, and over the years I have achieved great peace in the resolution that I will never again engage in one.

Shortly before arriving in San Marcos, dreams and experiences had profoundly pushed me in the direction of opening my heart to the possibility of relationships. It seems that other portions of my heart are yet-engaged in a desperate battle to remain shutdown.

Teenage Terror

I suddenly realize that as a teenager, I was deeply terrified of relationships. Being consumed with an overdose of shame and self-hatred, combined with having no one with whom to discuss that ever-increasing shame, I felt dirty, defective, ugly, despicable, and undesirable. With each stumble along the path to suppress the gender confusion, I sank deeper into the hopeless muck of believing that I was indeed ‘unlovable’.

“I cannot share my real self enough to even have a single close friend,” I would frequently wallow in despair, “how could I ever expect someone to see me as a desirable relationship partner?”

Then to my shock and surprise, at the tender age of eighteen – an age when I desperately fought to put the gender battles permanently behind me – a series of beautiful synchronicities guided me into a relationship that resulted, a few years later, in a loving marriage.

Trusting The Plan

“I did not have to do anything except be present.” I reflect back to my first year in college. “That relationship effortlessly came to me in synchronous ways. I simply needed to respond to the guidance and be willing to do my part with a genuine heart.”

As I ponder present beliefs – beliefs telling me that I planned the major events of my life before coming to this physical plane – I have no doubt that my marriage and family were indeed a huge part of those profound plans. In spite of countless struggles at the end of the marriage, I clearly see that everything happened beautifully, with perfect timing, exactly as it needed to happen.

“If I can believe these beautiful insights about past events,” I ponder with increasing clarity, “then why can’t I believe that I might have also planned a relationship partner as a part of my future?”

This idea spawns such trust and clarity. Why have I been so negative and doubtful, insisting that my future will ever-remain a solo journey?

God-Drama Revisited

“No!” A part of me immediately screams. “I will never again lose myself in a relationship. I don’t trust Higher Self to guide me into a real, healthy, relationship – it is impossible – it will never happen – I am physically defective – there is no one out there for me.”

“Wow,” The observer in me jumps in, “These are extremely strong beliefs – beliefs shrouded in fear and stubborn resistance.”

“I think I am deeply immersed in another God/separation drama of my own.” I ponder with increasing insight. “I do not believe that my own Higher Energies are capable of guiding me into any type of meaningful relationship.”

By now, tears are streaming down my cheeks as the prickly pain of energy blockages are dancing throughout my agitated abdomen.

The fear and anxiety are intense when I soon attempt to shed a little insight to Keith regarding my present meditative journey. I giggle when Keith soon points out that I am in my own God drama.

“Yeah,” I smile, “I already recognize that. I am playing out my trademark belief – a belief telling me that I have to do it all by myself, forever alone.”

Relationship Prison

As Keith again moves on, I find myself guided to return to a meditation that I did yesterday – one of envisioning thousands of little angels running around in my metaphorical emotional storage closets, going through old outdated, relics-of-beliefs, boxing them up and carrying them away for transmutation.

“Ouch,” I ponder with fright, “I cannot clean out this belief – the belief that I will live the remainder of my life alone. That is impossible. This belief defines me. Who will I be without it? I have built my spiritual identity around being strong and alone in my journey, clearly knowing that I could never have come this far if I had not been traveling solo.”

“A relationship means prison, or even worse, Hell.” Part of me insists. “I won’t tear down the walls that keep me safe. I will not discard this belief.”

“Why?” I respond curiously. “Why am I so insistent on clinging to this dysfunction?”

A Safe Haven

Finally, I recognize the confusing paradox that tramples my inner world. There is little doubt in my heart that I am now sufficiently healed – that I am very unlikely to sacrifice myself, my identity, my soul, my very being, to the control or manipulation of another party – no matter who they are or how much I love them. But the thought that terrifies me is one of getting lost in the pain of craving a relationship, and of then either never finding one or of having my heart broken after I do.

“Nope,” I ponder with clarity. “I am not afraid of a relationship as much as I am afraid of wanting one – of needing one. I am afraid of what I perceive as the horrible sadness and neediness of craving a relationship.”

It is so much safer to just stay away from the edge of the cliff – refusing to open that dangerous unknown journey – remaining in a safe haven where no relationship will ever be allowed to happen in the first place. That place is well known – a place where I cannot get hurt.

“What a bizarre belief to have,” I further reflect. “It is completely crazy to blindly equate ‘desiring a partner’ with the concept of neediness, out-of-control complications, loss of self, and loss of happiness.”

For the first time in a very long time, I realize that it is possible to “desire” something, while at the same time remaining healthy and unattached, simply trusting the flow, releasing the distortions, and allowing my higher energies to lead the way.

Terrified, Stuck, And Clueless

Soon, Keith asks the group to combine their energies in assisting me to release my newly discovered pain and resistance. As I surrender to the process, attempting to allow higher assistance, I feel stuck. I cannot feel any energy moving, I am blocked, and the task feels impossible.

“Give a little bit of the blockage to me.” Keith guides me.

I struggle to simply get out of my rational mind and to allow … but I continue to experience strong head resistance.

“There,” Keith congratulates me, “you finally let some go.”

I am so disconnected that I still feel nothing.

“Brenda,” Keith points out, “your inability to let me or others help you is your God drama.”

“I agree.” I respond with frustration. “I totally understand, but I don’t know how to release this belief. I am terrified, stuck, and clueless.”

Tears stream down my cheeks as the helplessness consumes me. I don’t even know if I believe it is possible to let go of these deep core beliefs.

“Congratulations for not knowing how.” Keith smiles at me.

A New Awakening

As most of the group fades and disappears, I continue to sit patiently on my large overstuffed pillow, meditating through the deep emotion, sitting on the front row of a metaphorical movie theatre, observing myself with non-attachment as I gradually allow these dysfunctional beliefs to be released – beliefs about men, about relationships, about being controlled – allowing the tiny visualized angels to clean out my closets and to carry off the boxes to their higher resting ground.

Rational mind receives absolutely no validation that anything is happening, other than the fact that my abdomen is churning up a storm with agitated, often painful movements.

Finally, I experience the sensation of vibrations in my abdomen, as if energy is moving around, and it is no longer painful.

“Keith,” I beg for clarity, “can you please give me some feedback that might help my mind get out of the way.”

“You have done a great job today,” Keith smiles, “and I’m getting that the vibrations you are now feeling are related to a new awakening of energy.”

Just Trust

“When I arrived this morning I felt as if I had been run over by a truck.” I express to Keith through emotional tears. “Now, as I prepare to leave, I feel as if I were just hit by a freight train.”

“I sense that I am done for today,” I continue, “but I am extremely unstable and fragile. Can you check with your guides to see if there is something I should or could do before I begin walking home?”

“No,” Keith responds with confidence after checking his own guidance. “You are doing perfect. In fact I am extremely proud of the work you are doing, following the flow, and being willing to go where it guides you. This is your own individual process, and I cannot tell you where it will take you. Just trust.”

A Clueless Mind

As I walk up the steep incline that leads away from Keith’s home, I begin to cry deep tears.

“I’m embarrassed to walk home bawling like this.” I call out to Keith.

“Thanks for the great work you did in helping others today.” Keith responds with a diversion.

“Huh?” I question. “I was stuck in my own stuff, crying much of the time. How did I help others?”

“You did help others a great deal, Brenda.” Keith responds. “And you already know how you helped them. It was just like you did in Salt Lake City, holding powerful space for others.”

“But my rational mind doesn’t have a clue.” I respond through my tears.

An Outside Job – NOT

To my relief, the out-of-control tears quickly dry up, but as I prepare a simple dinner of rice and beans, I am back to feeling completely numb. This truly is continuing to be a difficult week of “big and noisy” growth.

Thursday morning, after a restful sleep, I resume my inner journey during a 6:30 a.m. meditation on my outside patio. As I observe the pains and sensations in my body, memories of yesterday’s emotional work flood my mind.

“I am literally terrified of being victimized by male energy.” I ponder with new fine-tuned insight. “I am constantly saying that everything is an ‘Inside Job’, but I continue reacting to the concept of men as if it were all an ‘Outside Job’ – as if something outside of me can hurt and victimize me.”

Suddenly it all makes sense. I have been projecting onto nearly all men in my life – at least almost all men who step into the role of being possible relationship candidates. Before anything can even begin to happen, I silently spew judgments all over them, automatically acting as if they are evil, controlling, manipulative, perverted, possessive, uncaring, untrustworthy, sly, cunning, wanting just three things … sex, power, and domination.

“I have been seeing them as something outside of me that can possess me and take my soul.” I ponder with profound clarity. “I have practically been seeing them as the Devil himself. How ridiculous is that?”

My Own Male Energies

“Yes,” I continue meditating, “I would love a relationship, but No, I don’t need one.”

I resume my “angels-cleaning-out-my-emotional-baggage-closets” meditation, asking them to further clean out my silly projections that are now becoming so clear.

“It IS an inside job.” I suddenly stop everything as a new insight floods my awareness. “I am subconsciously terrified of the masculine energies INSIDE of me. That grown-up Bobby is threatening and oppressive. Not only did he completely shut me (Brenda) down through most of my life, but I also watched his clueless male-stereotypical behavior as I struggled to perform male roles in my marriage.”

Devoted Love

I am guided to reflect on a profound meditative moment from several months ago when working with the metaphor of “Beauty and The Beast.” In that journey, I had come to see that male Beast as an energy that I had asked to sacrifice his whole life in my service – a service of choking off my magical energies, keeping me safe from a society and culture that would have damaged me profoundly if my magic and femininity had not been so tightly shut down in order to protect it.

I can now clearly see that I am projecting onto this Beast – this “older-Bobby” – as being the root of all evil, the very Devil himself, the very definition of ugly and out-of-control masculine energy.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I again remember a moment of past meditation when I felt that Beast beg for my understanding: “Please, I can’t let go until I know that you will love me and forgive me – that you will no longer hate me for what I have had to do.”

It is now all so obvious. My masculine side has protected and watched my back throughout my life, suffering in deep anguish as he forced all feminine and magical expression to remain hidden. His actions were not motivated by hate – but out of loving service and a desire to protect. He just wants me to love him back.

A Rejected Hug

“I still hate this Beast,” I ponder with shock. “I have exiled him to my solar plexus, and am refusing to embrace him in my heart.”

“Please,” I beg the part of the Beast that remains in my solar plexus, “won’t you please join me in my heart. I’m so sorry for how I have been so cruel toward you.”

Soon, I feel the right side of my heart energy strengthen significantly as the energy in my solar plexus migrates upward. Then I begin to speak to both sides of my heart – to both the masculine and the feminine energies.

“I AM both of you.” I speak with loving compassion. “Each of you has always done your best, acting from a motivation of pure and genuine love in every situation. Can you please help each other to release more of your pain and sadness?”

As I meditate quietly, I intuitively sense the healing occurring on both sides of my heart. But when I attempt to visualize adult-Brenda as allowing herself to be hugged by the adult-Bobby/Beast, I feel her cringe with fear. She is still terrified of partnering with the masculine side, even though the truth of our coexistence is fully understood at the rational level.

A Playful Break

On Friday, after spending an emotional day publishing “Occupy Brenda”, I have no strength remaining with which to think or feel. The writing alone has been deeply integrating and healing, but has also left me craving something more fun and rejuvenating.

After a couple of false starts at being social, I end up synchronously connecting with a group of women – now new friends – at a local restaurant. As I get to know the seven amazing women who are currently taking the Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka, I feel a new sense of loving confidence begin to integrate with the playful side of my soul. I even get up and dance to a couple of songs prior to hugging my new friends good night and retiring to my bed for a restful night of sleep.

A Real Inside Job

Saturday is one of those special days where I get to play “assistant” at a chocolate ceremony in a nearby city – just a short boat-ride away.

Even though I come along with the intention of holding space and helping to facilitate the work of others, I find that I am doing a great deal of continued processing on myself at the very same time. In fact, it seems as if everything that everyone says or does triggers something profound and painful inside of me.

I cannot write about the work of others here, but I feel it is safe to say that among those issues triggered in me are additional issues of being an empath, shutdown as a child – deep fears of masculine power – and a recognition that I have engaged in a lifelong journey of struggling with the energy of impatience. In fact, as the discussion about impatience proceeds, my heart pulses with agitated panic and deep apprehension.

To my dismay, it seems that everything that anyone says or does simultaneously triggers something inside of me.

“Keith,” I finally beg for clarity, “could you please add some insight here. Am I bringing their emotional pain and fear into my own body … or is this really my own stuff being triggered?”

Keith responds by reminding me of a man who wrote a book back in the 1800s – a man whose healing technique was to first find others’ issues inside of himself. When he healed those issues in himself, the other person was healed as well.

“I think this is a lot of what I have been doing,” I ponder, “not just today, but in most other ceremonies as well. I seem to have a knack at first seeing issues outside of me, next finding them inside of myself, and then working on them.”

Relationship Rules

But it is the work of one particular young man that changes my life forever. This beautiful young man is struggling because a friend of his is being somewhat angry and abusive toward others. The young man expresses his own angry frustration regarding his friend’s behavior – sharing how he wishes he could get his friend to stop treating others the way that he does.

Keith masterfully guides this young man through the process of recognizing the anger as being an inside job – that he first needs to heal his own anger before anything else can possibly change on the outside with his external friendships.

“It is never about them.” Keith reminds the young man. “And nothing changes until you do.”

Puppy Turn Arounds

Suddenly, the light bulbs flash in my mind as profound insights flood my awareness.

All of the fears inside of me – including fears of masculine energy, fears of relationships, fears of the prickly solar plexus pains that show me my fears – each and every one is an inside job.

Each separate fear is associated with a little scared puppy – a puppy that I frequently attack with a big stick while attempting to get it to stop misbehaving. But the puppy is not the fear itself – the puppy is an actual wholesome and loving energy, one that I need to integrate into my life. The fear enters the picture because that loving puppy (the wholesome and loving energy) is terrified of me and what I might do to it.

For instance, one of the puppies represents healthy, balanced, masculine energy. I have beaten that puppy (my male energy) for so long that the poor little guy is shaking and terrified of me. When I feel his painful agitation in my solar plexus, I am not feeling my own fear of masculine energy – I am instead feeling the masculine energy’s (puppy’s) fear of me.

Just as this young man cannot help his angry friend by being angry at him, I cannot get the puppy to stop being afraid by terrorizing him. I must approach this masculine energy with the purest and most genuine love – earning his respect and trust. Only then will the puppy stop being afraid, and perhaps come out to play.

But before I can do that, I must heal myself – my inner subconscious hatred of masculine energy.

Perspective Turnaround

As I further ponder, an even deeper level of understanding suddenly unfolds.

“All of the scared puppies in my abdomen are my magical powers – components of my magical theme park.” I ponder with surprise.

I have been beating and suppressing them for so long, that when I begin to ask them to wake up, they shake with fear. They do not trust me because I have been their oppressor.

I want my masculine power to come back, yet that very power is terrified of me. It is like asking a junkyard dog, starved for love, to come into my house to play with me.

It is not me (Brenda/feminine side) that is afraid when I try to bring the power back. It is me (Brenda/feminine side) that is trying to bring a terrified puppy back into my confidence. Much, if not all, of the shaking and agitation in my abdomen comes from that puppy’s fear of me. My impatient frustration, begging and pushing these energies to come back to me, is like angrily grabbing the scared puppy.

In the perspective of that powerful masculine energy, I am the oppressor and he is the victim.

It is not “abusive masculine power” that will control and manipulate me. It is me (my feminine side) that has been abusing, controlling, and manipulating what is actually a very loving masculine energy.

What a beautiful turnaround of perspective.

An Unknowing Abuser

As my thoughts return back to the metaphor of Beauty and the Beast, I clearly see how that poor Beast has tried to show love while I continue to reject. He has done everything he can to honor my wishes, to win my love, to roll over and nearly die for me, but I continue to reject and project all over him. I have exiled him to a life of abuse and neglect, pushing him out of my heart and into my solar plexus.

“Of course he won’t let go until he knows that I will still love him.” I ponder with insight.

The abuser is not the masculine energy in me – it is the feminine energy in me that abuses my masculine side – that refuses to drop her lifelong vendetta.

The gentle masculine puppy only wants to be loved. He is not now, nor was he ever a threat. I am the unknowing abuser in this equation – and it can all be healed on the inside – a simple process of know myself.

The Subtle Shifts

Later Saturday evening, after incessantly pondering the subtle shifts in perception that continue to boggle my mind, I opt to go to a nearby restaurant for a burger and fries. The inner child in me is craving my favorite childhood meal.

To my initial resistance, the restaurant is showing a loud professional football game on the television. Rather than sitting at a table outside, I plop myself right in front of the television, attentively watching most of the second quarter.

While I used to occasionally enjoy a good game, I have not watched football in what seems like more than a decade or two. Instead, I have rejected it with a subtle judgmental energy proclaiming “that masculine game is an utter waste of my time – a stupid show of male energy trying to prove their dominance over each other.”

With the subtle judgments having melted into nothingness, I actually enjoy the game while I eat, eagerly engaging in fun bantering conversation with the restaurant owner regarding the teams etc.

Wow, what a difference the subtle shifts can make.

Unexplainable Attachments

Sunday morning I find myself filled with anxious frustration while attempting to solve two silly financial errands that require access to a very unreliable internet connection. The experience stirs a strange and unexplainable feeling of inner anxiety and near panic.

“Is this experience attempting to point out ongoing attachments and fears related to money and connections with things back home?” I ponder curiously.

The anxious moods dominate my entire morning – a strange fact that I share with Keith right before the start of another very bizarre Sunday-afternoon chocolate ceremony.

Waiting Games and Giggles

It is one of those ceremony days that used to stir me up with anxiety, judgment, impatience, and frustration. But today I am prepared for whatever – almost giggling as I watch the first hour of the ceremony be consumed by chaos and distraction as two young men prepare a batch of cacao beans to be taken across the lake for grinding.

During the entire first hour – an hour in which Keith simply meditates – I do just the same. There are only three of us – me, Keith, and a young man. Finally, another man shows up.

“You are just on time.” I giggle. “We have been waiting for you.”

There is no doubt that this is one of those “I am creating my own reality experiences,” and I cannot wait to see where the strange energy takes us. I find it quite interesting that I am surrounded by masculine energy.

To my surprise, we spend almost another hour in absolute silence while the two young workers continue to make final preparations to transport the chocolate beans.

Meanwhile, it is just meditating … meditating … meditating …

Unsuccessful Disengaging

Even though I am in perfect blissful peace in my heart, my abdomen churns with rebellious energy.

“All of this is my creation.” I constantly remind myself. “This is my ceremony, designed by me and for me. I wonder why I am creating it and what is going to happen.”

I attempt to disengage from rational mind and to simply meditate. Finally I sigh, causing Keith to open his eyes and look at me. As I describe the fun and crazy journey – a journey of an observing-but-chattering mind, a peaceful heart, and an agitated abdomen – I also recognize that I am profoundly experiencing the same energy of “impatience” that manifest itself yesterday during our ceremony across the lake.

I again mention my morning of unexplained anxious energy – and how it feels like this afternoon is only causing the anxiety to intensify – causing part of me to want to project, judge, and control the outcome.

“I’m simply disengaging,” I share with Keith, “observing, watching and learning about myself – but this battle is intense and does not seem to be resolving itself. I’m not buying into the agitation. I recognize the presence of ego, and am backing away and not engaging – but the inner turmoil rages on.”

Fixing Resentment

As I discuss the topic of surrendering to my fears without judging them, one young man blurts out a few comments – attempting to relate to me by giving me intellectual advice about how he dealt with the issue of surrender in his life.

I pick up on this energy as being a strong masculine fixing energy – an energy that shows cluelessness as to the real issue or history of what is going on inside me – an energy of trying to solve my issue with rational mind.

Quickly resisting an initial urge to respond, I instead choose to not engage in any way, returning to my meditation while silently sending love to the young man for his pure intentions of trying to help.

It suddenly becomes clear to me that my resentment of “fixing energy” relates to my own dysfunctional beliefs/judgments regarding “clueless masculine behavior.” During my life on the other side of the fence, I was a prime example of a clueless being who tried to help others solve their problems by intellectualizing and preaching. A subconscious part of me hates that masculine side of me so much that I now reject it with excessive resentment.

An Entire Backfield

Again, the meditation goes silent for another half hour. Here I am surrounded by three men – three beautiful examples of masculine energy – totally amazed at the stage play that is engulfing me. Even though I know everything today is my creation, the experience is triggering inner chatter in a nonstop manner.

“I’m trying to disengage from my rational mind by using rational mind as the tool.” I suddenly blurt out to Keith.

“I now realize that you can’t do that.” I add with clarity. “I just remembered that I have an entire soccer team standing behind me in the backfield. All of these higher beings are eagerly waiting to help me handle the ‘chatter’ ball – but I have to step aside and allow them to help.”

To my delight, my mind seems to find a great deal of increasing peace as I simply imagine myself stepping aside while asking the rest of my team to do their part.

A Balanced Partnership

Eventually I pull myself from the game and sit on the bench, asking my teammates to play without me for a while. To my shock, I begin to struggle with a great deal of agitation, mental chatter, and doubts that rapidly surface.

Recognizing these doubts (regarding what I am doing) as being ego based, I thank them and simply turn them over to my teammates. This strategy works at first, but eventually begins to backfire on me as my mental confusion only intensifies. Momentarily, I interrupt another man on the porch who has finally begun to talk about his own journey with left-brain domination.

“When you took yourself out of the game,” Keith explains, “you also took your rational mind out of the game.”

Keith then goes on to remind me that in all his years of working with Higher Beings, none of them has ever put down the rational mind in any way.

“The goal here,” Keith emphasizes, “is to develop a working partnership between left and right, rational and intuitive, mind and heart. It is about getting the two to work together, not taking one out of the game so that the other can dominate.”

Keith goes on to clarify with an example that the head without the heart will create a world with enough nuclear weapons to destroy itself many times over. The heart without the head will create a world of superstition and chaos. Both are needed in perfect balance.

Chaotic Cluelessness

As I again immerse myself in deeper meditation to explore this newly understood concept of left and right brain partnership, the young man across the porch again interjects several more helpful suggestions that deeply trigger my “fixing radar.” Again, I remain silent and simply listen, refusing to engage, while finding myself beginning to judge and resent.

I continue to watch and observe myself while remaining disengaged.

“Oh my gosh,” I finally exclaim to Keith. “My mind and body are in a complete mess of hopeless confusion and projection between masculine and feminine energies. Here I am surrounded by beautiful masculine energy on all sides, and my dysfunctional inner energies want to judge and project all over it.”

I go on to explain that my feminine energy seems to have engaged in a political coup, relentlessly occupying my left brain while pompously projecting degrading judgments onto anything masculine. The masculine mind lives in fear and powerlessness, exiled to the outer reaches of my body, subserviently trying to win love and approval from “her majesty.”

Both the masculine and feminine energies are in complete and utter chaos. Neither fully trusts the other. Both want to find some type or order and balance, but we are so messed up, in such a tangled way, that none of us have a clue as to how or where to begin.

“It is a huge mess of spaghetti in there.” I confess to Keith with frustration. “It is beyond my ability. I need help.”

“Great Job Brenda.” Keith replies with genuine congratulations.

A Comparison Of Clips

After explaining how profound and powerful that this place of “not knowing” actually is, Keith then guides me into a simple visualization, asking me to watch two inner video clips. The first is a clip of my performance on the porch last spring. The second is a clip of my process on the porch today.

“Wow,” I respond to Keith with delight, after having done the visualization. “I did my work with so much grace today – doing it with loving confidence and trust, following the energies wherever they take me, without losing myself in the journey. Last spring I was much less trusting of myself, more emotional, and totally dependent on outside help and guidance.”

“Last spring’s method will take five or six lifetimes to complete.” Keith adds before explaining that my progress today was very real, much faster, easier, more fun, and filled with deep insights.

“Not having a clue is the perfect place to be.” Keith again emphasizes. “Not knowing forces you to trust the flow and to be present.”

Manifesting My Reality

Before leaving, Keith tells me that I am nearing a place in my life where I can participate much more fully in the process of manifestation.

“You need to direct and then allow.” Keith makes his point in very simple words.

Keith explains that we simply need to put a clear direction or intention out into the universe, and to then allow the answer, whatever it may be, to flow, without attachment to the response. If what we get back is not what we thought we wanted, then we need to look inside for the energetic reasons.

“My first intention is that I want to balance my masculine and feminine energies, and to then release the dysfunction that is projected between the two of them – the dysfunction that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship.” I excitedly tell Keith.

“And my second is that I want to follow my Higher Self’s guidance and direction in a path toward personal growth and enlightenment, taking the most direct, fun, and joyful path possible.”

I am eager and exited to continue forward, and I will gladly accept whatever comes my way as being exactly what I need. There is no doubt that it will be increasingly faster, much more fun, and filled with joyful growth and insight.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

After three beautiful days of passionate writing, energy-filled meditating, and even watching a movie or two, Sunday morning, October 16, begins with a bang – literally.

At 4:00 a.m., two loud firework bombs explode in the air, perhaps seventy-five yards from my apartment. Then, at 4:30 a.m., a third bomb explodes loudly, shattering me yet-again out of an almost-sleeping state. I can only grin when music immediately begins to play loudly through the air – music that persists until around 6:30 a.m.. Today turns out to one of those frequent obscure holidays celebrated by the local Catholic Church.

“Something big and noisy is coming in my healing path.” I ponder with a nervous giggle.

Questioning Reality

Shortly before leaving Utah, I began reading a book by Carlos Castaneda titled “The Art of Dreaming.” The book synchronously stumbled into my life as I visited with my dear friend Rose. She was in the midst of giving away most of her belongings in preparation for her own new journey of following heart – and as it fell from a stack of books onto her floor, that little book caught my attention and energetically screamed, “Read me.” In quick response, Rose lovingly donated the worn paperback to its new owner – me.

Throughout the morning, I devour the final pages. Every word seems to reinforce my intuitive recognition that even the physical reality in which we live is nothing more than a very convincing projection of the mind – a Star trek holodeck of sorts – a dream-like state in which I have been stuck for so long that I rarely even question it.

As I stroll out toward Keith’s magical porch for a Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I study everything around me with new fascination, reminding myself that the reality I experience – every person and object – is my creation. I literally feel as if I am in an altered state of consciousness. Though left-brain logical thinking continues to throw up huge roadblocks, I feel my reality consciousness continually shifting … questioning.

Tears of joyful emotion lightly water my eyes as I eagerly explain my insights to Keith while standing in his kitchen before the ceremony begins.

Hide And Go Seek

As I surrender all resistance while attempting to smile and giggle into the glow meditation, I begin to feel tight, agitated, pressure manifesting in my solar plexus. In short order, the pains soon migrate to my now all-too-familiar “nail-in-my-heart” spot, piercing deep into my heart chakra with physical persistence.

Breathing deeply, I attempt to inhale these painful energies into my heart, transmuting them with love. The pains taunt me, playing hide-and-go-seek, toying with me as they intensify and then fade, dancing from one location to the next.

Yet their teasing activities also make one thing quite clear, “The fact that these pains so freely move around my body leaves little room for doubt … they are definitely energy manifestations, playfully demanding my attention.”

Intuitively I recognize the strong and uncomfortable message, especially from the pain at the center of my heart chakra. Serious fears and deep sadness continue to hide inside of me, attempting to evade my awareness.

Surrender

“Don’t judge or try to fix.” I continually remind myself as the pain continues to move around in my solar plexus and heart regions.

A strong part of me complains, wanting to be done with the seeming-endless process of repeatedly delving into these elusive pains, whining and judging that I have already processed these emotions and they should not still be here.

“Push them down, ignore them.” This part of me argues repeatedly.

Choosing to surrender and simply follow the process placed in front of me, I ignore dissenting inner voices and allow myself to begin sinking into, and intuitively connecting with the pain.

Pure And Genuine Intentions

As the pain intensifies inside of me, new insights remind me of many powerful experiences on Keith’s magical porch – of repeated times in which I had persistently stepped back from the clutches of powerful and emotionally painful experiences. They were experiences in which I became the observer, while simultaneously imagining my physical self on the stage of the Muppet Show or on a movie screen. They were experiences where this sense of observer-consciousness had gradually allowed me to wake up from quick-sand-like struggles – nightmare-like emotions that had me stuck and sinking in the clutches of ego victimization and judgment.

“Of course,” I remind myself as I recall my powerful morning of reading. “This is all a profound dream.”

It suddenly becomes obvious that my little inner child Bobby is energetically running around in my abdomen, hopelessly lost in the dream of having been victimized and shutdown as a fourteen-month-old toddler.

“I just need to help tiny Bobby wake up from his painful nightmare in much the same way that I myself have found frequent relief.” I ponder with delight.

I am motivated by the most genuine and pure of intentions.

Pushing Forward

Soon, I have lovingly put little fourteen-month-old Bobby up on a metaphorical stage. As I sit in the audience, surrounded by the energy of all of my deceased ancestors, we cheer on this beautiful little toddler, reminding him that his painful shutdown is all a massive dream – a nightmare of sorts – and that he can wake up and simply let go of the pains and fears that continue to energetically cripple him.

Excitement swells in my heart as I giggle, believing that this is really going to work, that we can simply wake up from the shutdown by recognizing it as being no more real than a dream.

Repeatedly, those of us in the metaphorical audience call out in loving support, encouraging this little baby to wake up, to remember who he really is, to see the silliness of the emotional nightmare that has him trapped.

As my heart continues to push me forward in this well-intentioned effort, I energetically experience a great deal of Bobby’s continued fear, terror, and sadness. I allow these emotions to flow through me in the form of muffled tears while continuing to push forward on this genuine inspired journey.

Wise Tidbits

In the meantime, as usual, I listen to everything that Keith does elsewhere on the porch. I watch with interest as he performs a physical demonstration to make a teaching point. Keith gently grabs the hand of one woman in the group, and then repeatedly pushes and then pulls her arm forward and backward. Keith then explains that if the woman engages him in this silly tug-of-war battle, even if she appears to win, that she ends up playing his game, ultimately giving her energy to him.

“The only way to end a battle,” Keith makes his point, “is to no longer play the game.”

Soon Keith teaches something else that I already believe profoundly, namely that when we attempt to protect ourselves, that we are, in essence, attracting the very thing that we don’t want. Keith emphasizes his point using the metaphor of Velcro – explaining that when we attempt to protect, it is as if we are placing an energetically designed shield of Velcro out in front of us. While it does indeed protect us, the shield also attracts the other half of the Velcro to come and stick to us, strengthening our need for protection from the very thing we are attracting.

What Was I Thinking?

The next thing I observe while continuing my own personal journey, is that Keith conducts an empath training with five people on the porch.

“I’m going to have Bobby participate in this training all by himself.” The brilliant idea pops into my head, before adding the afterthought, “And I’ll also have little Sharon and my friend Peter’s inner child hold his hand for support.”

As I sit in the metaphorical audience with the energies of all my ancestors, we cheer on fourteen-month-old Bobby, telling him that he can do this, calling out and encouraging him to face his fears, trying to build up his courage and confidence.

By phase two of the training, I am crying profusely as I sense little Bobby’s deep energetic agitation and trauma … but I keep pushing and pushing.

“Come on Bobby.” I use my mind to call out. “You can do this. It is just a dream. Wake up to who you really are.”

“What was I thinking?”

Making Everything Worse

Throughout this process, tears and deep emotions flow through me. Even though I sense Bobby’s terror and trauma, I continue to push, genuinely believing that the end will be happy and joyous – that through our loving support, those of us in the metaphorical audience can help Bobby to wake up from his nightmare. My heart remains pure and well intentioned.

Meanwhile, Keith finally finishes his first journey around the porch, turning to work with me at last.

“Allow her to connect with you, so she can help to release the fears that are building inside of you.” Keith unexpectedly guides me while pointing at the woman sitting beside me. “And while you are at it, ask your Higher Self to assist as well.”

Sitting in this river of love and assistance from others, trying to sooth the out-of-control fears of an innocent fourteen-month-old inner child, I suddenly recognize what I have been doing. In my zealous eagerness to help, I have alienated someone I love. Within seconds, I silently begin to flog myself with intense self-judgment and name-calling.

“I have seriously messed up everything, traumatizing my own precious inner child.” I ponder in extreme pain. “I tried to help and just made everything worse.”

Re-living The Pain

Immediately I flash to the horrible self-inflicted emotions that I passed through last June when I did a very similar thing to my friend Debbie. In a series of several emails – well intentioned communications in which I tactfully tried to teach what I saw as a higher truth – I ended up nearly destroying a friendship.

At that time, Keith had referred to what I had done as a ‘psychological fart’ – explaining that I was just passing through the “visible and smelly” experience of healing my own deeply-rooted projections at someone else’s expense – something that most every healer needs to eventually go through.

In the process of the several days it took to heal that embarrassing pain, I unearthed and believed myself to have healed a deeply rooted core issue. It was a childhood-based loop of feeling misunderstood and of desperately needing to explain myself – but without fail, the harder I tried to explain and speak my truth, the worse things ended up.

“I just repeated that painful loop.” I flog myself some more. “I just exploded a psychological fart all over my own inner child. I have traumatized little Bobby, and he is now in deep pain.”

No Longer Playing

For at least fifteen minutes, I spiral down the rabbit hole of self-flogging. Finally, I come to my spiritual senses and recognize that I am deeply stuck in an ego loop.

“I’m onto you ego.” I declare with confidence. “I’m onto your lies, I know the truth, and you are not going to win.”

For the next thirty minutes, I struggle increasingly. It seems that the more I concentrate on making ego wrong and a liar – the stronger and more overwhelming those self-destructive voices become. I cannot seem to stop their onslaught.

Suddenly it hits me as I remember Keith’s earlier tidbits of wisdom, sharing that when you engage in any battle with an opponent, whether you win or lose, you always end up giving them your energy.

“The only way to end a battle,” Keith had made his point, “is to no longer play the game.”

Disengaging The Preacher

After a quick discussion of my latest insights with Keith, I follow a new strategy. Rather than trying to make ego wrong, I simply thank ego for showing me what I am doing. I no longer feel a need to prove that I am right. While recognizing the higher inner truth of what I know inside, I simply disengage from the crazy-making debate. After several minutes of relaxing, the relentless ego-chatter slowly begins to silence.

While observing this process, I feel guided to remember a street preacher that has noisily wandered by my kitchen window several times in the past week. Rather than running outside to engage that loud and judgment-preaching voice in debate, I had simply ignored the preacher, smiling with a giggle as the well-meaning man walked off into the distance.

Lessons Learned

As my own deep emotions begin to settle, I recognize several powerful lessons.

Once ego’s tricks have been exposed – once a higher truth is recognized and understood – there is no need to debate, argue, or convince. A higher connection to divine truth simply allows the lies to fade away.

There is no need to push the healing river with anyone, not even my own inner child. Others are all perfect exactly where they are. My own projections are what need to be examined and healed.

And it seems that my higher energies continue to create my own reality in amazing ways.

“Brenda,” Keith later shares confidently. “You set up this entire situation as a way to learn the lessons in a manner that was internal – in a way that would not affect anyone outside of yourself – and you did it wonderfully.”

“Congratulations on having had an incredibly powerful session.” Keith shares again as I stand in the street and wave goodbye.

Eyes Wide Open

While I recognize the amazing lessons I have learned, I feel shell-shocked, continuing to experience sadness about the trauma I caused to my precious inner child. Emotions of guilt, and shame continue to rampage in my heart, demanding that I feel terrible for the devastating way in which I trampled on a metaphorical fourteen-month-old toddler.

I am deeply stuck in this loop of self-flogging. The emotional side of me continues to ache and yearn for tearful release.

Refusing to attempt any more “fixing” – refusing to blast the emotions using a metaphorical light cannon or healing ray-gun, I instead opt to be a wise and conscious observer, giving myself permission to experience the deeply engulfing emotions, choosing to learn about the emotions (and about myself) by experiencing them with eyes wide open.

“Don’t think, integrate.” Keith yells out as I walk away, still feeling very glum. “Just eat, go for a walk, take a nap, or read a book.”

“Yes, I don’t need to think or fret about it.” I silently sigh in deep sadness. “The lessons will gel perfectly without me needing to analyze them with my head.”

Play Time

As I near home, a part of me demands that I will spend the evening wallowing in regret and self-pity. But as I walk by the local Catholic Church, a new passion inspires my heart.

A crowd has gathered at a noisy outdoor concert, celebrating their holiday with a Christian band performing delightful, but mostly off-key, music. The beat is catchy, and I begin to dance with giggles as I pass by on the street.

“After dinner, rather than feeling sad, I’m going to dance with abandon.” The delightful idea spins its way into my giggling thoughts.

As planned, after a full plate of rice and beans, I close my blinds, turn off all the lights, switch on my IPOD, and giggle with delight as I dance without inhibitions for the next hour.

Little Bobby and Sharon seem to love this play time – a time of giggly integration – but even after all the dancing, my heart returns to a heavy state as I drift off to sleep. Apparently, deeply rooted emotions continue to fester … but further processing will have to wait.

Allow And Observe

Monday turns into an exhausting journey. At 6:30 a.m., attempted meditation becomes mind-numbing computer browsing. By 8:00 a.m., I am back in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I want to fight this sadness, to push down the emotional numbness that seems to consume me – but strong intuitions tell me that resistance is not my path.

“Allow yourself to be consumed by this emotional loop.” The Jedi voices whisper silently. “The only way to release this pattern in your life is to ‘know thyself’ – to actually go through the painful pity-party process while simultaneously being the observer.”

It seems I am reliving the futility of feeling that I have failed – that in spite of the most genuine of intentions, I have once again messed everything up.

To The Core

I know these emotions all too well. This intense feeling of hopelessness and futility was all pervasive during the final ten years of my marriage, as repeated attempts to explain and defend my genuine heart only seemed to make things worse.

It is the same loop that I recently traced back to childhood, to the feeling of: “No matter how I try to speak my genuine truth and defend myself to parents, I just seem to make things worse.”

Again, it is the same loop that was triggered when I nearly ruined a friendship with Debbie, just last June – one that was again triggered yesterday afternoon as I inadvertently traumatized a fourteen-month-old inner child, when I was only trying to help.

Yes, it seems that my higher energies have indeed launched me into a journey of “know thyself” – to understand this feeling of hopelessness and futility to its very core.

Sucking Me Deeper

For several hours, I regress deeper and deeper into memories of some of the most painful emotions I have ever experienced.

Deep numbness consumes my soul, negative self-talk screams in my ears, and sadness envelops me.

“I’m stupid … I messed up … I may as well give up and go home … I can’t do this anymore … It is futile … I want to run away and hide … What’s the use in even trying … I’m just going to fail and make an even bigger mess … blah, blah, blah.”

My heart sinks ever deeper into a sense of isolation and hopelessness. I clearly recognize that I am being given a profound glimpse of what happened throughout my life. This glimpse is not one of mental memories, but is instead one of extremely painful emotional understanding. To my dismay, the emotions continue to intensify, to pull me down to long-forgotten depths.

Even though I remain the observer, the emotions are so intense and overwhelming that I feel as if I am sinking in quicksand – as if these emotions are literally sucking me into the clutches of an old “reality.” I begin to fear that I may actually lose myself in this pain.

Impossible To Express

By now, the tears are uncontrollable as tissues pile up beside me. A mind-numbing movie metaphorically continues to play throughout my breaking heart. The role of observer takes a back seat as I profoundly re-experience deep depression and sadness, deeper than I remember ever having felt it. No intuition is required to recognize that this overwhelming sadness consists of forgotten heartache from my teens, my twenties, and especially my thirties.

Agonizing would be an inadequate word to describe the experience. Terrorizing does not even scratch the surface. I feel such all-encompassing sadness that I do not want to go on. Yes, I am re-experiencing near-suicidal feelings of utter emotional exhaustion and repression.

“I want to die,” I grab my computer and begin to type the feelings. “I can’t do this … I can’t be myself without hurting others, those I love dearly … I can’t go on … I want to be dead … The only way I can survive is to be a mental robot … to go to work … to just pretend to do the “right thing. I can’t even cry because that would raise too many questions … too many suspicions … there is so much pain – pain with no outlet to express itself … I have to bury the pain, push it down, suppress this weakness … I have money to earn and a family to support … just suck it up and keep on going …”

The words I type cannot begin to express the emotions flowing through me.

I’m All In

Going ever deeper, I soon re-live the futility and sadness of a period in which I felt literally forced to make an unbearable choice – to continue a path leading toward inevitable death, or to break the hearts of my loved ones. I choose the agonizing path of “life” – a life of being true to my own heart while painfully watching loved ones struggle as a result of my decision.

Even now, four days later, as I write about this painful Monday morning, the tears are again streaming as I attempt to document the emotional pain of re-living this traumatic journey. It is the pain of having to put my entire life on the poker table – of knowing that “to transition and to live as Brenda means possibly losing everything I cherish, everyone I love, and everything I have ever worked for.”

Yes, I had to be “all in,” risking everything in a desperate attempt to keep a tiny spark of light and hope alive in my dying heart.

The easier route of giving up, of slowly withering and dying, of letting that spark fade to a wisp of drifting grey smoke – well that did not really seem like much of an option.

Begging For Help

“Higher Self,” I beg for some relief from the re-lived sadness, “will you please hold and comfort me? … Bobby, are you there? … Someone? … Anyone? … I just want to be held and comforted.”

Tears continue to stream, as I am well beyond my emotional-pain threshold. I cannot go any deeper. I cannot take any more re-living of these memories, but I don’t want to stop too soon, to short-circuit this powerful release.

I never want to have to come back here again. I want to find, access, and release all of this pain, now. I want every one of these traumatic and debilitating emotions out of me, once and for all.

As midmorning arrives, I have reached a state of utter numbness. I can go no further. I can experience no more emotion. I clearly recognize that I am in way over my head. I cannot do this alone. I need help. There is so much buried emotion that the release process itself seems daunting, beyond hopeless.

“Higher Self,” I beg repeatedly while entering a deeper meditation, “please help me … I need help.”

Comforting, Restful Support

Soon I am meditating in my bedroom, visualizing my divine “circle of friends,” sensing their brilliant glowing energy, asking them to surround me, to touch me, to hold me, to assist me in the release process. All the while, I simultaneously visualize myself as a detached observer.

“Bobby,” I plead. “Will you forgive me? Will you help me too?”

Soon, I sense Bobby sitting on my lap as a great deal of tingling energy begins to vibrate throughout my shoulders.

“Of course,” I ponder with clarity. “This metaphor is showing me how it is time to stop carrying the weight of the world … the weight of all that sadness … all by myself.”

I attempt to meditate further, but instead succumb to the effects of emotional exhaustion. After a couple of peanut butter and honey sandwiches (having had no breakfast) I return to bed, and sleep soundly until mid afternoon.

A Mysterious Video

Still exhausted after a long nap, I give myself loving permission to rest, spending the remainder of the day watching two movies on my computer. Around 9:30 p.m., as the second movie finishes playing, I notice a forgotten video file in the “My Videos” folder.

“Hmmm,” I ponder, “I wonder what this is?”

As I click on the file, I am shocked to find a darling little clip of a baby in a high chair, laughing and giggling so hard that I cannot help but laugh and giggle right along with him.

“Where did this video come from?” I ponder with extreme curiosity. “And how did it get left in this folder on my computer?”

I’ve seen the video on Facebook/YouTube once, but am absolutely positive that I never downloaded it. In fact, I do not even know how to download a YouTube video.

Knowing that belly-laughing with Bobby would be a sure sign that I am near completion in this emotional journey, I attempt to watch the darling video a few more times, but half way through the second showing, I begin to cry deep tears of additional emotional release.

“Darn it,” I ponder, “I guess there is more pain left to uncover and experience.”

In desperation, I shut off my computer, recognizing that I am too tired to pursue those tears for now. Soon, I am asleep in dreamland. Wow, do I ever dream.

Silly Synchronicities

While I know I have dreamed countless dreams in the past nine months, I have remembered almost none of them, having recorded only two short dreams in my journal since December 2010.

I am both tired and surprised when, at 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, portions of a vivid dream remain actively dancing around in my head. As I scribble down the memories, only a few of the details make any sense – yet inner voices demand that this is a dream that I need to record.

Even now, the dream itself makes little rational sense – but the symbolism is quite powerful. In the dream, it is raining (emotional release) in an amusement park (my magical theme park). I try to run away but slip and fall as I attempt to climb through a tangle of pipes and cables (the twisted mess of my emotional past). Another man tries to climb the cables, up onto one of the rides, but also slips and falls. Guards quickly run to arrest him (religious authorities trying to keep my magical theme park shut down).

Later, (still in the dream) I receive a surprise letter from a man named Steven or Stefan, explaining a beautiful synchronicity of how he had been eating bread (spiritual food), when, at an exact guided moment, he ran into the park to rescue me. Just as the park guards (religious authorities) had been about to capture me, his synchronous presence had caused them to disappear.

It makes no sense whatsoever as I ponder the synchronicity of Steven/Stefan, but I find great giggly comfort in the thought that the following of synchronicities had prevented me from being captured in my own magical theme park. I also find it quite interesting that this mysterious man reminds me (in physical appearance) a great deal of my friend Anton (from last spring).

I Literally Crashed

But the dreams don’t stop there. At 5:30 a.m., I am recording brief details of three more powerful and vivid messages.

In the first short dream, I am walking through my former spouse’s home, now in a different neighborhood, as she points out the awkwardness of my having moved into a home so close to hers. As I look out the front window, I see my own new home, straight across the street and one house to the left. Feeling embarrassed at having accidently moved this close, I suddenly find myself in a car, attempting to leave the scene – but as I put the car into gear, I immediately crash into the parked car in front of me.

While meditating on this simple dream, I easily recognize that … I got extremely close to the painful emotions of my past marriage and life struggles, and in the process of trying to let go and leave the emotions behind, I literally crashed.

Soccer Balls and Eyeballs

In the second dream, I find myself on the front line of the receiving team in a soccer match. The opposing team kicks the ball right at me. In a desperate attempt to be the hero, I try to field the ball by myself, catching it with my feet. But I miss, and the ball rolls away from me as the opposing team rushes my position, about to swarm and overwhelm me.

Only a simple meditation is required to show me that I had attempted to field the “emotional ball” all by myself – and that I had ignored an entire team standing behind me, supporting me. I should have let the players in my backfield (higher dimensional friends) assist in handling the ball rather than trying to do it all by myself.

In the third simple dream, someone guides me to a young calf that is resting on the ground. As this unseen person gently grasps the calf’s huge head, they show me his left eyeball, carefully pulling back the giant oversized eyelid.

“See how cloudy and obscured the calf’s vision is?” the being telepathically tells me.

As I record this third dream, I clearly remember having been shown the same scene on at least one or two previous occasions (in a dream of course).

Again, the meaning seems quite clear. The vision in my left eye (the feminine/ intuitive/ spiritual side) remains cloudy. It is time to focus on clarifying my spiritual eyesight.

Precious Possessions

Even after four amazing dreams, I continue to feel quite emotionally numb as I ponder whether or not I will attempt to write. It does not take long for me to surrender to the realization that just like Monday, Tuesday, October 18, is going to be another day of emotional processing and release – but this one will not be done all by myself. After consuming an ounce and a half of chocolate with my morning oatmeal, I soon begin to meditate, clueless as to where the journey may take me.

As I attempt to imagine a ball of light that will help me with the emotional release, nothing happens – well nothing but a brick wall of resistance and an intense stream of new tears, as I am again flooded with intense sadness.

As I continue to meditate, determined to utilize some form of higher-energy assistance, a new idea finally delights my consciousness – an idea that first reminds me of another intensely painful period of my life.

A couple of months after being laid off from my software engineering job (at the end of 2007), being blessed with ample time to begin shifting the flow of my entire life, I spent four emotionally-agonizing months cleaning out box after box of old family belongings that came from my father and grandfather.

In my thinking at the time, those precious possessions somehow defined me – having originated from past roots – needing to be preserved and carefully passed down to my children and grandchildren.

A Light Spirit

Many times during that cleansing period, huge emotions surged as I dealt with family memories. I scanned photos, created scrapbooks, converted audiotapes to mp3, doing everything I could think of to preserve and pass on the memories – memories that I more and more came to recognize as my captors. There were many times during that period where I secretly wished my house would burn down. If those boxes no longer existed, I could simply let go of the entire painful process.

I cannot describe the sense of joy when I finally handed sets of DVDs to each of my children – DVDs containing preserved copies of photos and audio materials. Even greater was my newfound sense of freedom when I announced to my children, “Everything in this section of my house is up for grabs. Anything you don’t want will be donated to charity.” A few weeks later, the physical possessions of my ancestral past were gone and my spirit was light.

Emotional Closet Cleaning

“Yes, I will ask the metaphorical angels to come in and help me to clean out the precious possessions in all of my old emotional closets.” I suddenly exclaim with glee.

In several hours of powerful meditation, I wiggle and squirm as I experience the visualizations of thousands of tiny angels, running through my emotional storage vaults, picking up and tossing out old emotional baggage that has subtly defined me for so very long. I have no idea what is being removed and donated to charity as I envision hoses, shovels, jack-hammers, chisels, buckets and brooms – all being eagerly wielded by helpful angels to dismantle and pick through the preciously guarded, sometimes petrified, emotional rubble of my past.

I visualize the process one decade at a time. The stomach agitation is overwhelmingly intense as I ponder those terrifying teen years. The twenties are not quite as bad, but the thirties return to full intensity as I picture ten long years of attempting to find common ground – exploring my gender struggles while striving to maintain a happy family life.

Finally, I ask the angels to sort through childhood and remaining adult issues. As the process intuitively reaches closure, I ask the angels to bring in lights to shine and glow – to transmute storage containers that no longer serve me, or, if they need to remain, to at least fill those containers with high vibrational energy.

Occupy Brenda

Suddenly, this powerful meditation takes an entirely new and unexpected twist. My thoughts flash to a recent fascination in observing the unfolding “Occupy” movements that continue to spring up all around the United States and the rest of the planet.

“Occupy Brenda!” I suddenly hear my heart energies call out.

“Occupy Solar Plexus!” I feel the cells in my lower two chakras spring to life.

United in peaceful love and harmony, I feel the energies in my body come together in unison with a series of loving requests to the third chakra – the metaphorical power center of my body (the solar plexus). The requests are not presented as demands, merely as loving, unified, requests.

“It is time to let go of your fears and old belief systems that keep our body paralyzed in past thinking and emotional dysfunction.”

“It is time to let go of your death-grip on the physical powers that be, and to instead allow the life force to flow freely throughout our body – to allow each and every one of us to equally enjoy the loving heart energies – to allow the refreshing and supporting energies of Mother Earth to freely flow to our heart and upper chakras – to allow the light energies of Father Sky to freely pass to each and every cell in our lower chakras.”

Gradually, loving energetic vibrations fill my entire body as I feel my solar plexus muscles slightly relax. I remain in this beautiful meditation, enjoying the amazing vibrations until mid afternoon.

I am tired and exhausted. It is once again time to recognize that I have done enough for today. The rest of Tuesday disappears in a flash as I allow myself to be distracted by a series of documentaries about the Egyptian Pyramids.

Big And Amazing

Wednesday morning, as I prepare for yet another chocolate ceremony, I feel as if I have been emotionally run over by a truck.

The rains have been heavy over the last two days, as have been my ever-deepening emotional release processes. The lake levels have risen yet again, now covering the boat dock by about four or five inches of water.

It is clear to me that I have made amazing emotional progress in the past few days – but it is also quite clear to me that I am far from out of the woods, so to say. I remain deeply embedded in a once-habitual emotional loop of feeling exhausted, drained, and unmotivated. I cannot wait to see where this ongoing emotional process guides me.

Yes, something “big and noisy” did indeed come into my healing path this week. The emotional release process has been powerful and intense as I continue to allow myself to observe and learn from the loop that continues to flow through me.

The healing forecasters of intuition and emotion both clearly predict that more “big and noisy” is headed in my direction – But I also know that the process will be amazing. Why else would ego be putting up such a wall of resistance?

For now, I will just trust and continue to send love to my solar plexus through the continued support of the “Occupy Brenda” energies that eagerly cheer me on.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I continue to be amazed at how many ways the Universe can present my childhood shutdown to me for further healing – each with a different twist, each with another layer of profound healing and understanding.

My experiences on Wednesday – beautiful insights and growth stimulated by a real-life little boy – continue to boggle my mind and warm my heart. There is no doubt that this was all scripted and orchestrated at a higher level. It is all just too perfect to be any type of random chance.

I cannot wait to see what unfolds next.

Perfect Timing

Wednesday evening, as I meditate before bed, tingling energy seems to be flowing everywhere in my body. The tickling energy is beautiful and I recognize it as unconditional love and encouragement from my guides, whispering, “Job well done Brenda … now here’s something to enjoy while you rest tonight.”

Thursday, before spending a beautiful day of writing, I am again meditating at 5:45 a.m., feeling a great deal of flowing energy – but then a few tiny pains surface in my solar plexus. Initially, I attempt to move the pain using the Muppet Show metaphor, just as I had done with all my ancestors in the audience – but the pain does not budge.

“Be patient,” The Jedi voices whisper. “Just send love. This is part of your process of building trust with little Bobby.”

As I later publish “Perfect Timing,” I can only giggle when I discover that exactly two years ago to the very day, on October 6, 2009, I also published another blog by the exact same name. It seems that the timing in my life has been perfectly lining up for a very long time.

A New Era

Friday, while busily writing “Heartfelt Gratitude,” a friend stops by, indicating that she is finally ready for a one-on-one private chocolate session with me. We had tried twice before, but for one reason or another, the timing had never worked out for her.

Gratitude fills my heart as my confidence-building experiences from this summer flow right into my session today – my very first private counseling session in San Marcos. The two of us enjoy a beautiful and inspired session together. It seems that I receive just enough guidance to help me know what to say – and her own connection to her own guides brings exactly what she is looking for.

Even with the delightful and welcome interruption, I easily finish my writing for the day – writing that is greatly facilitated by the increased joy and gratitude of knowing that I am indeed following an inspired path – a path leading me into a new era in my growth. I am eager and excited to facilitate many more such counseling sessions in the future.

Heightened Curiosity

After yet another beautiful day of writing on Saturday, I find myself deeply absorbed in watching a couple of spiritual documentaries – short movies that renew my passion to further explore several of the books I have here on my bookshelf. After going to bed, quite late, inner energies stir excitedly, causing me not to sleep well. This sense of slight unrest tells me that a new round of growth is in the works. I cannot wait to see what will pop up next on my path.

“Are you Brenda?” A woman (I will call her Linda) asks as I step onto Keith’s porch for the Sunday, October 9, chocolate ceremony.

“Yes, I am,” I respond with a curious grin, “how did you know … and who has been telling you about me?”

“I just felt your powerful energy when you walked in,” Linda responds, “and Keith has talked a lot about you and your blog while you were gone.”

I blush, while suppressing an inner giggle. I love the magical journey on which I find myself. My curiosity about today’s ceremony is now only heightened.

Futile Surrender

As the ceremony swings into full gear, my solar plexus again erupts into anxious turmoil, churning with sharp and poking pain. Intuitively, I breathe the painful energy up into my heart. I delight in the fact that my heart immediately feels stronger and my abdominal pain greatly decreases. I continue this process for much of the glow meditation.

Then something new happens. I begin again to feel that sharp “nail-in-the-heart” pain – one that first came up last spring – one that metaphorically seems to tell me that I was energetically crucified in the name of religion.

While this heart-stabbing pain continues to manifest in a deep excruciating way, forgotten memories begin to flash into my mind – memories from between five to eight years old – memories of my own sarcastic, rebellious, anger at my parents, mainly at my mother.

While the details of the actual triggers remain vague, memories of the rebellious emotional outbursts are vivid, as if they happened yesterday. I was feeling unjustly attacked and restricted, I had reached my limit of being suppressed, and I wanted to be understood – I wanted to be heard. But in my angry lashing out in self-defense, the end result was always the same. Either my mouth was washed out with soap, or cayenne pepper was sprinkled on my tongue.

In futility, I had given up my battle to be heard – I had surrendered, succumbing to the absolute futility of attempting to speak my truth.

Festering Buried Sadness

As I did on Wednesday, I again focus on childhood photos, but this time I see my first and third grade photos from school. As I imagine each image, I clearly remember the intense sadness and insecurity that consumed my heart during that period of my life. On the outside, I pretended to be happy. I was productive, hard working, and did everything I possibly could to please my parents – to win the ‘pats on the back’ that I desperately craved.

But a great deal of forgotten sadness had been buried, deep beneath that happy façade. As I meditate deeper and deeper, I can feel those agonizing emotions, as if they are endless, buried in a bottomless pit, boiling and festering beneath the surface of that nail-in-my-heart pain.

As I focus on this pain, deep sadness pushes me back as tears threaten to explode all over the place. I want to go forward, but terror grips my soul as I contemplate getting any closer to this frightening, all-consuming sadness.

Meanwhile, Keith has worked halfway around the porch, having just completed a brief empath-training with an incredibly intuitive young man – a man I will call Peter.

Unexpected Assistance

“Connect with her.” Keith suddenly guides Peter, while pointing directly at me.

I am both shocked and pleased at the same time.

“You’re going to help Brenda in a way that she is always helping others,” Keith continues coaching Peter, “but in a way that she cannot seem to be able to trust or receive herself.”

Unimaginable Sadness

Instantly I lock eyes with Peter, quickly connecting to this twenty-something energetically gifted soul. I struggle to relax, simply imagining myself allowing the lid on this pain to begin releasing. Tears fill my eyes as I focus on surrender. Intense fears dance and swirl around as I gradually sense that this huge reservoir of pain is opening, ever so slightly.

“I can feel an overwhelming and seeming-bottomless well of unimaginable sadness.” Peter provides feedback from across the porch. “I am connected to the sadness, and it is definitely beginning to flow, but I can tell that this release process will take a while.”

During the initial phases of this process, Keith provides considerable feedback to both Peter and me – feedback that helps me to further surrender and trust the amazing process that is now unfolding.

I Want It Out

For the next couple of hours, Peter and I remain energetically connected as he continues to provide occasional feedback about the intense river of sadness that he is assisting to flow up and out of my body, sending it along to the angels for transmutation.

Through it all, I gratefully continue to surrender to the process, simultaneously feeling the enormity of the bottomless pool of painful emotion that remains buried inside of me.

When I blurt out that this emotion feels like sadness from between ages three and eight, Peter confirms that he too is receiving the same guidance. Peter’s feedback of how he himself is experiencing my energy provides a huge burst of confidence, permitting me to step away from logical mind, further allowing me to surrender to the energetic process.

At one point, Peter tells me that he initially felt a lid on my sadness, but that there is now a hole in the lid, and the emotions are freely leaving.

“It feels to me as if about half of the sadness might now be gone.” Peter reassures me.

My tear-filled eyes are closed and my head bent forward toward my knees. The sadness presenting itself to me for release feels as if it is more than I can bear. The only thing on my mind is, “I want this overwhelming sadness out of me.”

Like The Masters

The ceremony today is proving to be unique and unusual. Several people on the porch have accessed a profound connection between laughter and emotional release. Each time that a round of giggles spreads through others on the porch, I attempt to suspend my tears, trying to allow myself to slip into a long-forbidden belly laugh, right along with the others.

I try to visualize fourteen-month-old Bobby laughing along with me, but with each attempt at unbridled laughter, I instead burst into even deeper tears. Yet, at least my belly is indeed shaking with ‘intended’ laughter, further facilitating the movement of long-buried energy.

Repeatedly, I ponder something Keith frequently shares, namely, “When you are able to laugh and cry at the same time, you are moving energy like the Masters.”

I want to move energy in a more fun way. I am determined to laugh while crying. Several times, I succeed – yet the fear and buried sadness continue to be overwhelming.

Sharing Hearts

After a great deal of surrender and emotional release, I feel something touching my knee. I am pleased when I look up from my tears, seeing that Peter has moved over to sit on the ground next to me.

“I have remained connected to you the entire time.” Peter reassures me. “I continue to feel your energy moving. You are doing a great job.”

To my surprise, I quickly find myself engaging him in conversation, sharing my transgendered status, explaining the complexities of how a great deal of the sadness has to do with the pain of having had to suppress the feminine magic of little Sharon.

Peter shares with me how he has had these energetic abilities ever since he can remember as a child – that they have never left him. He is extremely sensitive and aware of what is energetically going on inside of other people. Before today, this ability has been hugely overwhelming to him. He is deeply grateful for Keith’s assistance in opening up his own understanding, and for the opportunity to help me in a way that no longer brings painful emotional density inside.

“Would you ask your little inner child to connect with my inner children?” I lovingly ask Peter. “I feel strongly that your little child can assist both Bobby and Sharon in learning to trust that it is OK to be a magical child – that it is safe to reopen the lid on this buried magic.”

Pandora’s Box

As Peter and I continue to simultaneously talk and process, I begin to feel increasingly lighter, especially in my upper chakras. It is as if a large portion of my childhood joy and humor has returned to me. Yet I continue to feel prickles and pain in my solar plexus and belly button areas, as well as in my lower second chakra.

“A while ago,” Peter soon shares with me, “I saw the metaphor of ‘Pandora’s box’ when working with your inner children. There was the distinct and powerful fear that opening the lid on that sad emotion would release a Pandora’s-box-like chaos in your life. That fear is now dissipating.”

A Wrapped Gift

Shortly before he leaves at 4:45 p.m., Peter mentions another impression that was given to him on my behalf.

“Brenda, I am getting that all of this sadness you have been releasing is wrapped up just like a birthday gift.” Peter shares carefully.

“Yeah,” I respond with giggles, “It is like underneath this terrifying wrapper of sadness, there is a huge gift of long-suppressed child-like joy and giggles.”

“It is so bizarre that I would be frightened to unwrap and remove the sadness so that I could discover the joy hidden inside.” I add with a puzzled smile. “Why is there is so much fear about simply laughing and being free of the pain, the victimization, and the sadness?”

The Mirror Of Creation

Just as I am about to leave, Linda grabs my attention and, while tapping on her heart chakra, she indicates that there is more work she wants to do.

“Would you like to stay a while and work with me?” She encourages.

Soon, Keith, Serg, Linda, and I are meditating together on the porch. For a while, I am puzzled as to why Linda does not bring up the issues that she wanted to work on. As we are all in total silence, the answer suddenly hits me.

“I created this reality … Linda is my mirror … it must be me who really has more work to do.” I ponder with great curiosity. “There is something in my own heart chakra that I need to work with.”

I love how I have manifested the powerful energy of these three people to support me in my next unknown process.

Relaxation Is Impossible

“What do I need to do?” I ponder for a while.

As I try to connect with little Bobby, I discover that he is extremely agitated, flighty, and traumatized. I again feel painful pressure in the center of my heart chakra (nail-in-the-heart spot), along with mild pressure on my forehead.

“Of course,” I finally realize. “The pressure/pain is now my resistance to something that wants to come back in … I never brought in the light after doing all that emotional release … but even more importantly, there is more of my own childhood magic that is now ready to return.”

As I attempt to relax and allow this energy to return, I feel nothing but stiff resistance and tense muscles. Relaxation seems impossible.

Believe, Observe, Trust, And Feel

Finally, I visualize myself on the front row of a theatre, with my physical body up on the stage. I see myself as someone like Harry Potter, in a magical movie of sorts. I begin to imagine that this magical being on the stage (me) is beginning to receive the gifts of her magic. These gifts are swarming energetically around her, like a sparkling cloud, before they magically touch her skin and dissolve into her essence.

I watch as this magical being transforms in front of me. Her forgotten inner magic is again flowing through her veins. Her inner knowing is gradually returning. The only thing she needs to do is to allow. There are no complicated rituals, no struggles, and no need for the assistance of rational mind. It just happens.

The experience grows increasingly magical as I actually do experience new energy movement in my chest – energy that soon moves into my high-heart, then my throat, chin, and nose. As I follow intuition telling me to touch my tongue to the roof of my mouth, I feel the tingling energy spread throughout my head.

Soon, the energy spreads to my shoulders, my upper back, and down to the solar plexus region. The heart chakra and upper chakras feel as if they are greatly strengthened. Intuitively, I feel as if some energetic rewiring of sorts has taken place between my heart and upper chakras.

Without needing rational-mind understanding, I simply allow myself to believe that what I am actually experiencing, at a physical level, is real. I do not need to know, understand, control or manipulate … I simply need to believe, observe, trust, and feel.

Flowing Joy

Shortly before 7:00 p.m., Linda and I walk home together. It seems that she also had a powerful silent meditation.

As I meditate briefly before bed, gratitude fills my heart that I got out of my own way, recognized how I create my own reality, and allowed myself to receive such an amazing experience.

Today has been more beautiful than I could have ever possibly imagined. I have released overwhelming sadness, embraced trust, and allowed renewed magic to enter into my heart. Gratitude flows throughout my soul as I contemplate the magical joy that is flowing into my future.

Continued Sadness

Monday evening, after a tiring trip to Panajachel and a detailed photo update to my blog, I attempt to meditate. But something is off in my heart. My soul wants to cry, as exhaustion consumes me. Shortly after 6:00 p.m., I am fast asleep. The evening is over as I drift into dreamland.

Early Tuesday morning, I awaken at 4:00 a.m., but am unable to focus. At 6:30 a.m., I make an attempt at meditation, but the computer sucks me into her vortex instead.

Finally, at around 8:15 a.m., after eating my oatmeal with an ounce of chocolate, I begin to recognize that today is not destined to be a writing day after all. Instead, I honor an internal feeling of continued sadness.

Yes, I will meditate and do my own private chocolate ceremony. Writing will just need to wait until another day.

Mother Nature Support

Outside, rain begins to lightly fall. Even during rainy season, morning rain is rare. Usually the storms happen around mid-afternoon and have ended before midnight.

The “nail-in-the-heart” pain soon returns as a bottled-up wave of suppressed sadness knocks on my metaphorical door.

“I need to use higher energies to move this sadness.” I tell myself while resisting the tears, repeatedly pushing them back down.

Finally, another internal voice whispers, “Release the tears … allow them to flow … you need to pop the cork on these pressurized emotions … you can do the higher-energy moving later.”

Within seconds of my bursting into physical tears, the light drizzle outsize suddenly converts into a loud rumbling downpour, synchronously joining me in a wet and watery release. I absolutely love how Mother Nature backs me up in this powerful process.

An Empty Well

There is no logical way for me to explain, or to suppress, the intensely sad emotions of my little Bobby as I further release his buried emotional pain. Intuitively, I recognize this sadness as being from around fourteen months up to eight years old.

The emotions are so powerful that I simply have no choice but to cry right along with them as they flow up and out of me.

Each time that I attempt to bring in higher energy, I experience a great deal of resistance – so I surrender and instead continue to pile up the tissues beside me on the floor.

“Bobby,” I occasionally check in, “will you allow me to bring in higher energies to help release this sadness?”

Each time I meditatively make this request, I only feel increased resistance and sadness. The tears continue to flow.

Finally, after nearly an hour, the tears suddenly dry up, as do the raging rains outside my window. It seems as if that bottomless well of sadness – a well that was only half-drained on Sunday – seems to have finally emptied, at least for now.

For the next four hours, I meditate in blissful higher energies, moving emotions, pains, and energies around in my body, releasing them to the light, and overflowing with joyful peace.

Releasing Rains

An hour or two after finishing this beautiful meditation, the rains again return – this time with a vengeance. For nearly twenty-four hours, the rains fiercely pound. Sometime before midnight, the electricity goes out, remaining off for the duration.

It seems that Tropical Depression Twelve-E has made its way inland. Pacific storms rarely affect this part of Guatemala this late in the season, but this one brings in the thundering rains with a fury.

Memories take me back to Tropical Storm Agatha, a powerful storm that raised the lake level over a meter – that washed out bridges and roads all over Guatemala – that destroyed property and affected lives all over Lake Atitlan – that left me stranded at the lake shortly after my Moon Course ended in May, 2010.

This new storm proves to have many similarities. Mudslides have indeed destroyed bridges and covered roads all over western Guatemala. The roads into Lake Atitlan are all blocked, and the lake level is up nearly two feet since the storm began.

It seems that the heavens have indeed released huge amounts of water – water that represents emotions in my metaphorical world.

But then again, I am getting ahead of myself.

Familiar Pains

The chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, October 12, begins right in the middle of the fierce rains of Tropical Depression Twelve-E. As we drink our chocolate and begin the glow meditation, the rains continue to pound around us, and the electricity remains disconnected.

I can only giggle at the small attendance – there is Keith, me, and one other young man who is in his final day of silence at the Moon Course. It looks like the Universe has a very interesting one-on-one ceremony planned for me, right in the continued midst of the storm.

Almost immediately, as I begin to meditate, the sharp nail-in-the-heart pain returns. Believing that I have now done enough crying, I am determined to bring in higher energies.

As I breathe and focus all of my energies on bringing in higher assistance, the only thing that happens is that the pain greatly intensifies.

The Need For Tears

“Go into the pain.” Keith coaches me when I share my journey with him.

“But I’m trying to do this without crying.” I share with Keith in confused frustration. “I shouldn’t need to cry about this more. I have already done that. I want to bring in higher energies to help.”

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds, “you need to feel this emotion to the bottom in order to release it. If that brings up tears then you need to go there.”

“But you keep indicating that it is time to do this with higher energies.” I respond with a question on my face.

“As long as you believe that you are not supposed to cry,” Keith responds, “then you will probably need to cry. Your need for tears will only diminish when you drop your resistance to tears.”

I am so grateful for a kind and loving teacher.

Gasping For Breath

As I finally allow myself to sink to the bottom of the surging emotional pain, I find myself experiencing the emotions of a young boy who was forced to give up his magical identity in order to conform to the programming of clueless parents and religion.

I now clearly recognize how I was indeed “crucified” in the name of religion – energetically stabbed in the heart and shutdown by a substitute for my true Source.

Tears begin to stream as I start to feel the intensity of the sadness that remains buried and unreleased. I literally feel as if I am sinking down a bottomless well filled with that never-ending sadness.

“Haven’t I gone deep enough into this pain?” I ask with desperation.

“You need to go all the way to the bottom.” Keith responds with loving firmness.

As I proceed, I feel as if the air is being sucked out of me – as if I am literally gasping for breath.

Crying For No Reason

Suddenly, new rounds of insight powerfully flash into my awareness.

“I have a strong judgment against people who cry for no apparent reason.” I blurt out to Keith.

At first, I believe these judgments are aimed toward other adults, but then I remember the painful truth.

“Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry!” I remember myself screaming at one of my children in an impatient and exasperated voice.

Seconds later, I see myself as a five-year-old child, lying on my bed while my mother is desperately trying to get me to stop crying. As far as she knows, I too have absolutely no reason for crying, and her patience is being stretched to the limit.

“I’m still judging myself for crying for no reason.” I blurt out to Keith. “And I have been projecting that self-judgment onto others throughout my whole life.

Speaking My Truth

Suddenly I begin to cough sporadically, a sure metaphorical sign that my expressive throat chakra also wants a voice.

“And I wasn’t able to speak my truth.” I quickly add. “I was coerced into conforming, into being what everyone wanted me to be, and I have no voice – it was being suppressed.”

“After all of these years,” Keith interjects, “you are finally learning to speak your truth.”

Ego Insights

After delving deeper and deeper into that sadness, I am suddenly amazed when the emotional pain simply disappears. Instead of pain, I experience what I can only describe as a mild cool breeze leaving my heart chakra. The emotional energy continues to flow out of me, but I no longer need to feel it to the core.

“Keith,” I express in a moment of doubt, “I feel as if I am making this all up. I know that my doubts are just ego, but they continue to bombard me.”

“Thank the ego for showing you how important what you are doing actually is.” Keith adds with confidence. “If this process was not important and real, your ego would not even bother to try to stop you.”

“Wow,” I ponder deeply, “that is a profound thought.

Follow The Breadcrumbs

As the nail-in-the-heart pain finally disappears into nothingness, I begin to feel sharp painful prickles in my solar plexus. Ever so quickly, I shift my focus on a new metaphor. As soon as I begin to follow, the pain again shifts, leaving my solar plexus and migrating down into my second chakra. After a twenty-minute game of “follow the metaphorical breadcrumbs,” the extreme lower-left portion of my second chakra has my full and undivided attention. This is the area of my bladder, just to the left of my groin.

“Congratulations on your willingness to simply follow the energies.” Keith jumps in to validate what I am doing.

The pain in the region of my bladder is soon intense and overwhelming.

Shame-Filled Insights

As I attempt to sit beside the pain, to connect with it, to ask it what it wants to teach me, a barrage of memories begin to parade through my consciousness.

“I suffered extreme shame during my younger years because of bedwetting.” The memories start flowing. “Surely this is related to the energetic bladder pain.”

“I suffered intense confusion between bodily functions and sexuality.” The insights continue. “And the absolute lack of information and guidance from adults left me in a space of feeling horribly alone, filled with deep shame.”

One by one the painful confusing memories parade by, reminding me of the intense confusion and shame that followed me everywhere I went – the confusion over bodily function, gender, and sexuality literally overwhelmed me as a young child.

A Completely New Level

For an hour or more, I silently focus on energetically releasing these shame-based emotions. The process is slow, but I feel a strong participation from the metaphorical angels whom I bring in to assist. I creatively imagine these emotional energies leaving my second chakra through the same distorted situations that programmed them into me in the first place. The end result feels quite liberating.

I am delighted when the only other person on the porch soon leaves, and I now find myself alone with Keith. I am dealing with some sensitive personal issues here, and I would love to discuss a few of them frankly and out loud.

The next unexpected situation surfaces when I begin to experience extreme sharp pain in my left groin – the feminine side of my genital area. Eventually the pain also spreads to the right – but that only follows later.

I begin to recognize these pains as showing me the core cause of the ongoing feud between left (feminine) energies and right (masculine) energies. Their hatred toward each other remains intense. I have been working on this healing for many months. Something tells me that I have moved to a completely new level of negotiation.

Pure Innocence

After enduring this pain for thirty minutes or more, making little or no progress via the process of simply moving energy, I feel guided to invite my masculine and feminine energies to join me in a metaphorical conference room.

As I attempt to mediate the conflict between these two hated enemies, I ask them to please sit and face each other. I sense their intense animosity – how each blames the other for repeatedly victimizing them during our lives together.

For a considerable length of time, the two simply stare angrily as I attempt to help them find some form of common ground.

Suddenly, a beautiful understanding floods into the heart of that tense moderation.

It happens so quickly. I cannot explain how or why it occurs, but all at the same time we suddenly recognize the truth.

“Each one of us, throughout our entire life, has always acted with pure and genuine intention, with nothing but unconditional love as our motive – we were simply trying to survive and our hearts were always overflowing with pure innocence.”

Reunification

As this profound energetic realization permeates the hearts of all parties involved, I burst into a wave of joyful tears. (Even now, three days after the fact as I later write about this historic peace accord, I again burst into tears as more mixed joyful emotions flood out of me.)

Intuitively, I recognize the powerful significance of the simple-but-profound event that just unfolded.

“Brenda,” Keith quickly guides me, “use your ability as an empath to help them both release their hatred.”

“And perhaps you can remind each of them that they are also empaths,” Keith quickly interjects. “Maybe you can help them to release each other’s hatred using their own empath abilities.”

After a few minutes of deep peaceful meditation, I invite and use my breath to bring both of these beautiful energies into my heart. Intuitively I recognize that these are Bobby and Sharon, in their late twenties – Bobby is on the right and Sharon is on the left.

I follow intuitive guidance to do what I do best – to hold a powerful space of high vibrational energies, creating a safe and loving environment for these two energetic parts of me to help each other. Moments later, I begin to feel the pains in my left groin drift upward toward the right side of my heart, while the pains in the right groin begin drifting toward the left side of my heart.

“They are doing it … they are being empaths and assisting each other.” I ponder with joy.

The process goes on for nearly an hour as I bask in the beautiful energy and the amazing profound knowing that these two feuding parties might finally be achieving significant progress toward reunification.

Nearing The End

“Congratulations for nearing the end of a process that you have been working on for a very long time.” Keith tells me with a huge grin. “You are finally helping these two parties to find some type of peaceful closure with each other.”

I could have continued this energetic release for hours to come, but my heart prefers to come home, to finish the remainder of the process in my own space.

To my amazement, the rains from Tropical Depression Twelve-E have magically stopped during the middle of this beautiful ceremony – and the lights are back on – both happening right about the same time that my profound emotional release was also complete.

For me, this is an amazing synchronous acknowledgment from the Universe. The perfect timing of this event is something that I find hard to deny or discount.

Evacuation Warnings

Shortly after returning home, as I prepare to take notes about an amazing Wednesday afternoon, my landlord invites me outside for a short conversation on the patio.

“Brenda,” he says sternly, “you need to be prepared to evacuate tonight. They say that we are only experiencing a break in the storm, that more heavy bands of rain are headed our way, and that the heavy rains will continue to come for the next forty-eight hours.”

“I believe the rains are done,” I respond with confidence. “My intuitions tell me that we are fine now, but please, do let me know if anything pressing comes up tonight.”

My intuitions do indeed prove to be accurate. The raging storm has indeed ended, and there is no further need for concern. The eerie calm lasts well into Thursday, at which time the rains return to normal rainy-season patterns.

Synchronous Connections

It is only in retrospect that I clearly see the profound synchronicities. The first wave of Tropical Depression Twelve-E started and then ended right on cue, perfectly timed with my own deep emotional release on Tuesday morning. The second extremely intense wave ended as I was finally achieving peaceful reconciliation between two sides of an ancient hatred.

As I ponder the fact that I create my own reality, that everything that happens around me is something that I either create or allow, my mind joyfully begins to play and speculate with the possibilities.

“Could this entire demonstration of Mother Earth’s amazing power have been orchestrated on my behalf?”

While I also understand that we all somehow contribute to the collective creation of reality, I cannot help but be impressed by the profound synchronous connections as they relate to my own healing journey.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

As I sit down to write on this beautiful Friday morning, silver-grey clouds darken the sky while a moderate shower of rain continuously moistens the landscape. As I attempt to write a few introductory words … a small feeling whispers: “meditate first.”

Minutes later, I am reviewing the profound events about which I am preparing to write … about how a one-year-old little boy literally changed my life.

Suddenly, a huge wave of intensely sad emotion begins to rush up from my heart and out through the top of my head. As my jaw shakes, tears flood down my cheeks while I contemplate the source of this unexpected emotion – buried adult judgment – judgment that, even today, would attempt to suppress the playful magic of an innocent little child. The shocking truth is that this judgment continues to spew from somewhere deep inside me.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself.

A Willingness To Follow

Excitement fills my heart as I playfully stroll toward the eastern edge of town. I just published my first blog since returning to San Marcos – an inspired piece of writing titled “Full Circle” – one documenting the beginning phase of my journey home in the early days of July. That was a period of emotional struggle – a period where I unknowingly inhaled the emotions of fellow travelers all around me.

Now I just giggle as I approach Keith’s magical porch. It is early Sunday afternoon, the second day of October, three months to the day since I began that memorable journey home.

I am excited to continue my own magical healing journey, even though I have no idea what is about to transpire. Experience has profoundly shown me that the only thing I need do is to show up with an open heart and a willingness to follow the energies wherever they might lead.

Focusing On My Heart

After a beautiful and peaceful “glow meditation,” I am glowing from the inside out, feeling nothing but energetic peace and a desire to shine that inner light for others.

“How are you doing today?” Keith starts his individual work with me.

“Good.” I respond with surprise, wondering why the usual solar plexus pain is presently nowhere to be found.

“Do you want to work with her?” Keith asks, as he points to a woman on the porch who appears to be deeply struggling in the throws of emotion.

Still not fully understanding what I am doing, nor how I do it, I begin to use my budding empath awareness to assist this woman in releasing a great deal of her deep fear. As the doubts begin to jump up and down in my head, I simply disengage rational thought, instead directing all focus to my heart.

The Last To Know

“I don’t have a clue what I am doing.” I whisper silently to my heart. “But I know that you do already know how to do this. Will you please take it from here?”

Soon, I envision my heart sending out its healing energy – energy that first encircles the woman – energy that I later feel expanding to encompass the entire porch. At the rational mind level, I still do not have a clue as to what I am doing – but the beautiful woman with whom I am working is an empath herself, and she lovingly reassures me that she does indeed feel my loving assistance in a powerful way.

I trust that my journey right now is to learn to trust … that my rational-mind knowing will unfold in proper time. I can only smile with confidence as I remember Keith’s frequent words telling me that the “rational mind is usually the last to know.”

A Peaceful Flow

I continue sharing energy with this woman for at least thirty minutes before moving back to my pillow to rest my aching legs. I revel in deep peace at the realization that my heart is indeed powerful, and that I am making a difference.

After a while, this same woman enters another profound wave of emotion. Soon I am again sitting cross-legged in front of her, again engaging my heart in ways I have yet to understand with the mind. As I do so, I focus on bringing in higher energies through both my crown and my root – remembering the importance of opening up my own energetic channels to the life force of Mother Earth.

As I do so, I sense a renewed peaceful flow of soothing energy in my abdomen.

Phase One Panic

Soon, Keith’s work elsewhere on the porch guides him into conducting an empath training.

“Sharon and Bobby, do you want to participate in the training with me?” I meditate with my little inner children.

As I connect more deeply, I sense Bobby’s hesitation. He is filled with fear. I energetically hold his hand as we proceed together.

Phase one – where I bring in the emotional energy of others, actually storing it in my body – begins in a quite normal way. But as I feel a mild flow of energy streaming into my third-eye, I start to experience significant pain building up in my lower chakras. The discomfort is so intense that both Bobby and I begin to panic with fright. I remember the confusing emotions that overwhelmed me in my early days of travel just three months ago – and I begin to intuitively feel what I now recognize as emotional memories from childhood – forgotten memories of the intense emotional onslaught that Bobby once endured.

Without asking for Keith’s input, Bobby and I quickly put an energetic stop to this phase of the training. It is simply too frightening and overwhelming. Intuitively, I recognize that I have been opening significant energies in my abdomen lately – and that the more I open these channels, the more my empath sensitivities will also open up. I briefly question if this is what I really desire.

A Gentle Glimpse

During phase two – where the emotional energy flows through me without touching me – I feel a little energy activity in my third eye, but I am so preoccupied with fear from phase one, that I energetically block most of the experience.

During phase three – where the emotional densities never touch me, where they flow straight to their higher evolvement – I make a concerted effort to drop all resistance while letting go of rational mind’s preconceived ideas.

“I want to feel this as it happens!” I plead with my Higher Self while asking logical thinking to temporarily step aside.

To my surprise, I suddenly feel a mild energy tapping me on the third eye. Then I feel the slight sensation of energy flowing up my forehead, on the outside of my scalp, rising to the point of my crown, and then up to the heavens – never touching me on the inside, yet touching me just enough so that I could feel it physically on my skin.

I am deeply grateful that the Universe gave me a mild and gentle glimpse. I am not sure if Bobby and I could have withstood anything more intense at the moment.

Reopened Fear

As we further practice our empath abilities, with a member of our group sitting in the middle of the porch, I am slightly disappointed that I continue to sense very little energy with my physical senses.

Suddenly I remember that while in Valladolid during early July, I had asked my Higher Self to install a filter – one that would prevent me from unknowingly inhaling the energy of others during a phase of not-yet-understanding what I do.

“Please remove that filter.” I ask my guides. “Now that I am back in San Marcos I want to fully experience everything.”

As I make this request, I have no idea how much fear this will reopen.

Joyful Fun

Almost immediately, I am intuitively guided to reconnect with the metaphor of a stadium filled with cells from my abdomen.

“If you can find the strength, please allow the light to flow.” I speak to my inner energies from the metaphorical stage of that imaginary football stadium.

“The cells will be much more likely to respond positively if we make this fun.” Another idea floods my intuitive awareness.

Immediately I shift from an attitude of ‘serious work’ into one of ‘joyful fun’, while continuing to focus on allowing the energies to flow through me.

Flash Bulbs Of Insight

Then, as Keith continues talking to others, new memories flood my heart.

“I used to brag to myself about how I could be friends with almost anyone.” I suddenly remember.

Seconds later, memories of a few emotionally taxing past-friendships swarm my mind. I clearly remember how painful those friendships had been. I stood by those friends with pure unconditional love while constantly inhaling their emotional pain, consoling them by taking their dense energy into me. After all, I believed that this is what friends do … they take on each other’s pain. That belief literally became my distorted definition of love.

With one friend in particular, I remember how she would suddenly be all happy and bubbly after our conversations – while it often took a day or two of isolation for me to re-center myself after listening to her rant and rave about all of the injustices that had been done to her by others.

“I was an empathic sponge for those friends.” The light bulbs suddenly flash in my awareness. “I never understood before how I was literally consuming their toxic emotion, bringing it inside of me, filling my own body with it, and then isolating for days while trying to recover my peaceful inner sanity.”

Hidden Connections

As these memories flash through me, my abdomen immediately begins to dance wildly with intense fear and prickly pain – pain again warning me that maybe I really do not want to open this energy sensitivity at all – maybe it is not safe.

I recall that there were years in my life when I was extremely hesitant to consider taking on any additional friendships. At the time, I honestly believed this was because I simply did not have enough time to spread myself too thin. Now I clearly see that I was terrified by the thought of having more unhealthy people in my life – people with whom my responsibility would be to sacrifice my own well-being in order to help them maintain emotional balance. My definition of friendship at the time was one of self-sacrificing, devoted, loving, loyalty in which I would serve as their emotional garbage can. What a distorted idea that is.

“And I am still terrified to engage in more intimate partner relationships for the same reason.” I suddenly recognize. “I am terrified that intimate love means losing myself in the same way that I used to lose myself in my friendships.”

“With friendships I can always go isolate to recover.” I ponder with increasing clarity. “Yet with an intimate partner I might have no such freedom to isolate, regroup, and heal myself. I would be under constant bombardment by the other person’s energy.”

“NO …” my inner resistance flares up. “I cannot handle that … yet.”

I had no idea my buried empath abilities were so profoundly connected to my fears of intimacy.

Powerful Panicky Peace

Wow, this is powerful! My heart and abdomen twitch wildly with anxiety as these unexpected insights continue to flood my mind.

In an effort to stabilize the panic, I place my left hand on my heart, the right on my belly, and breathe with intense focus – all the while observing the painful, prickly, twitching that consumes my abdomen.

Even as my abdomen erupts with fearful anxiety, my meditative focus allows cool, peaceful, pleasant energy to flow gently through my heart. With each deep breath, I send some of that peaceful love in the direction of a frightened belly.

With the empath-filter now removed and my energy sensitivity increased, I am tearfully remembering the pain and fear of taking on the energy of others. The conscious cells in my lower chakras are terrified of returning to those past times of intense emotional chaos.

His Only Option

As Keith soon notices my deep breathing and agitated abdominal energy, he points out that I have established a low-grade connection to many people on the porch – that I am actually sucking their densities into me, feeling them, and moving them through me – without keeping them inside of me.

I had no idea that I was actually doing this while processing such deep inner fears about doing just that.

After his unexpected feedback, Keith then returns to work with my friend Serg, who is experiencing the energy of his own painful emotional bombardment from around age five. As I connect to Serg’s energy, my pain again steps up to a new level of intensity as I energetically remember the indescribable inner panic of my own five-year-old self – a sensitive and loving little boy profoundly terrorized by the emotional energies flooding his tiny body – a little boy who had absolutely no understanding about what was happening to him – a little boy who was isolated and alone in his painful world, having no one around him with whom he could discuss that pain. His only coping option was to shut it all down.

It Will Come In Time

For the remainder of the chocolate ceremony, I sit in focused meditation. With hands on heart and abdomen, I continue to breathe deeply while moving streams of fear-based energy – first into my awareness, then out to the angels for transmutation.

“Wow,” I exclaim to Keith as the ceremony concludes. “The energy sensitivities have terrorized me – triggering fears from past experiences in which I actually internalized those dense energies, literally eating them. Still not fully knowing what I am doing only serves to intensify that fear.”

“You did a great job of staying out of your head and simply trusting your heart.” Keith congratulates me. “Your rational-mind knowing will come in time.”

Learning To Trust

As I finally sink into my pillow, I again meditate about the beautiful synchronicities that now happen on a constant basis – today being the fact that I just published a blog about the panic of inhaling the emotional energy of others, following which I asked my guides to install a temporary filter to prevent me from unknowingly doing just that.

Now, my journey of writing about “Full Circle” has literally taken me full circle in another way. I have removed that filter and am now ready to explore this empath stuff, no matter what inner panic and fear the journey might unearth and stir-up in the process.

No, I will not reinstall that filter … I will instead further open the magic … further learning to trust.

What Was That About?

Monday and Tuesday breeze by in a flash. I love my new pillows and bedspread from the tailor in Panajachel, and I am beginning to write with increased passion, publishing a blog titled, “An Opportunity To Shine.” Indeed I do feel as if my whole life is opening up, that I am on the verge of shinning my light even brighter. I cannot wait to move further into this amazing synchronous flow.

As I meditate early Wednesday morning, I combine that meditation with increased funky-leg stretching while constantly checking my intuitions to make sure I will not harm my physical body in any way.

After thirty minutes – with my knees forward and my feet beside my hips with toes pointed out sideways – I am stuck and can hardly move through the numbness in order to free myself from this position. But before attempting this extraction process, I experience a powerful and unexpected flow of energy.

When surrendering to the pain and fear, I suddenly experience a great deal of energy moving in my legs and abdomen. The energy quickly rises, swelling into my chest. The unexpected energy is deeply pleasurable, almost sexual, as it fills my entire chest cavity. In the midst of this energetic burst, a great deal of fear and anxiety simultaneously stir, mixed in with sensations of overwhelming joy and excitement.

Then, to my shock, the joy takes me into tears that quickly transform into nearly five minutes of powerful emotional release. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotion – jaw shaking and tears streaming – while having absolutely no intuitive understanding whatsoever regarding the source or nature of the emotion itself.

“What was that about?” I question with surprise when the emotion ends as abruptly as it began.

Disturbing The Peace

As I arrive early on the porch on Wednesday, October 5, I am surprised to see a young mother there with her tiny son – a blue-eyed, energy-radiating little guy who I am told is only one-week-shy of his first birthday. His mother has asked me to call him “Aaculaax (aah-coo-lawsh)” in my writing.

As I observe this delightful little boy, I can only wonder what magical energy he must bring with him into this physical plane – and how lucky he is to have a mother who recognizes, cherishes, and nurtures that magic.

As I assist in preparing the porch for the upcoming ceremony, literally everything that I start to prepare is quickly picked up and disturbed by the eager and curious hands of this playfully-active little toddler.

“This will be quite interesting.” I think to myself when I learn that the young woman intends to remain with her son on the porch for the ceremony. “I know that everything happens on this porch for a reason … and that it is all my creation … but how can we possibly have a relaxing and meditative ceremony with such an active and curious little boy getting into everything?”

I have often heard Keith tell people that children are always welcome on his porch, but deep judgmental concerns begin to overwhelm the adult pragmatist in me, demanding that this situation is simply not acceptable for a chocolate ceremony … that Aaculaax will be a great disturbance to the peace.

I do my best to ignore these pesky ego judgments as deep curiosity wonders where this will all lead.

Seen And Not Heard

As the “glow meditation” begins, I find great difficulty in focusing. My mind is instead focused on the noisy, somewhat-disruptive, activity of this precious little boy.

I am overwhelmed with memories of my religious upbringing. Mormon’s were encouraged to bring their young babies to church. Some were quite disruptive, and people merely tolerated their noisy activity. But I was raised in a home where I was taught to be reverent, to not wiggle, squirm, or disturb others in any way during the sacred church services.

As I became an adult with six beautiful children of my own, I was determined that my own children would never be an embarrassing disturbance to others.

I cringe with shame as I remember restrictively holding my own children in church, physically restraining them, squeezing them snugly, not allowing them to wiggle and move in ways that might disturb others. When they would talk out loud, I would shush them, even lightly snapping them on the lips with my finger when they talked out loud – attempting to lovingly teach them that in church, “little children are to be seen and not heard.”

Self-Perpetuated Pain

When the “glow meditation” concludes, I am actively whimpering as tears stream lightly down my cheeks.

I find myself imagining that this beautiful little boy on the porch today is me, Bobby, at age one. Just like Aaculaax, I am magical, alive, active, eager, innocent, joyful, playful, giggling, without a care in the world.

Then I switch roles and see myself as my own loving mother, wanting to shut down the unrecognized-magic of that beautiful little boy, to get him to be ‘seen and not heard.’

I feel horrible as I contemplate the conflicting emotions suddenly racing around in my body – combinations of intense sadness and suppressed anger – sadness and anger at my own parents for what they did to me – sadness and anger at myself for what I did to my own children.

These emotions are intense and overwhelming. I wish I could bawl my brains out, but I instead hold back on the tears, knowing that I want to find a higher-energy method of processing these newly unearthed emotions.

Nausea swells in my abdomen, a physical sensation that desperately wants to vomit out this nasty energy. It is the painful energy of my own magical shutdown – it is the energy of loving parents firmly molding a child into what he is “supposed to be” – but worst of all it is the energy of my own deeply ingrained adult values, continuing to shutdown the magical playful energy of my own inner child energies, my precious little Bobby.

I am shocked to discover that my own hidden adult judgment would still project and attempt to shut down the playful innocence of a magical child.

“Am I still doing this to my own little Bobby?” I question with shock.

Brutal Honesty

“What would I do to that innocent baby if the surfacing anger and judgment buried in my solar plexus were allowed to have its way?” I ask myself with painful and brutal honesty.

I shudder at the thought that unhealed emotional energies inside of me would still judge and suppress the magic of a child – my own inner magic. While giving lip service to the child’s magic, this unhealed part of me would be simultaneously trying to contain that magic in a well-behaved little box for public consumption.

“After all of the processing I have done regarding my own childhood shutdown,” I ponder, “how could such feelings possibly remain buried inside of me?”

Again, I sink forward in pain as tears stream down my cheeks.

Spinning My Wheels

“Brenda,” Keith guides me briefly, “you need to bring in outside energies to assist you in your learning/healing progress on this issue.”

For the next thirty minutes, I attempt to bring in energies from Mother Earth, trying to draw the life force up through my lower chakras as I did this morning before that amazing and unexpected burst of energy rocked my world. Believing that this is the answer, I push forward in my attempt to connect with more light, making some progress, but not much. I am just spinning my wheels.

Rebellious Resistance

“Brenda,” Keith eventually guides me from across the porch, “the energy you need to bring in is right in front of your heart, at heart level.”

I immediately begin to concentrate on this new shift in meditative focus. Intuitively, I recognize this new energy as the magical energy of my one-year-old self.

“Of course,” I ponder. “The energy I need to bring in is the heart energy of my own inner magic – magic that was once pushed away to keep it safe – magic that my adult-self has continued to push away.”

As I open my heart, inviting the energies to return, I feel as if only a small portion does so. It feels nice, quite familiar, but much more energy remains outside of me. The pain in my solar plexus is strong, seemingly swelling up in rebellion.

Additional intuition tells me that this energy in my solar plexus is the very energy that I once asked to shut these magical energies down – and my own belief systems continue to be the enforcers of that blockage.

No Fixing Allowed

“Ask the small amount of energy that did return to show you what it would do to help the solar plexus blockages.” Keith soon guides me when I ask for another clue.

“Pure unconditional love for my solar plexus,” I soon respond as the answer clearly flows into my intuitions.

Immediately, I focus on sending pure, innocent child-like love to the energies in my solar plexus. These are not fixing energies – just energies of genuine unconditional love.

A Real-Life Model

Gradually, over the next thirty minutes or so, I begin to ask more of the child-like magical energy to rejoin me in my heart. Each time I bring in another small piece of my own energy, I experience additional waves of resistance and fear.

I continue to watch beautiful innocent Aaculaax on the porch. To my delight, he walks over to where I am sitting, looks at me right in the eyes, and giggles right in my face. Gratitude again swells in my heart for this amazing real-life model of what pure unconditional love and joy is all about.

Lessons To Learn

As I giggle back at Aaculaax, I suddenly find myself giggling back at little fourteen-month-old Bobby – only he is not giggling at me. I am visualizing an actual photo of myself in which little Bobby looks quite stressed, with his eyebrows curled down at the corners from scrunching his forehead.

As this image floods my mind, I also note that I myself, in this very moment, am scrunching my eyebrows, physically attempting to choke the flowing energies.

I attempt to visualize Bobby as smiling back at me, as Aaculaax is doing right now – but instead I can only feel emotions of stress, fear, and stiff resistance – refusing to smile – refusing to relax into the joy.

Memory takes me back to last November, the first time I discovered little three-year-old Sharon hiding in a metaphorical cage in my solar plexus. It took me over a week to realize that she did not trust me, that she was my teacher, and that she would not come out until I learned the lessons that she needed me to learn.

I clearly understand now that fourteen-month-old Bobby is my teacher – and he is being just as resistant as was Sharon, not yet trusting me. He is watching my growth and knows that there is more that I must learn. He will not relax and giggle until I earn his complete trust – until I learn all the lessons that he needs to teach to me.

It is only then that Bobby will allow all of the energetic blockages in my solar plexus to come tumbling down. Those blockages are protections that he himself put into place to protect himself from the world of adults, of which I am currently the prime threat.

Multi-Generational Healing

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts after a while. “Start counting … how many are there?”

No sooner has Keith asked his question than I know exactly where he is headed. Several times over the last year I have watched with keen interest as Keith interrupts a ceremony and begins to explain to people that many of their ancestors have shown up on the porch – that they are all part of a much bigger plan in which they have all collaborated in order to help heal an energy on the planet.

As I connect to the energy around me, I intuitively feel something important is going on. While attempting to gather myself for a response to Keith, a feeling of being overwhelmed momentarily consumes me.

“I’m getting six or seven generations,” Keith volunteers, “including both the men and the women.”

Keith goes on to explain that all of my ancestors from six or seven generations back are gathered to support me – and that all of us have a collective energetic agreement that we made together, outside of time. Our plan was to perpetuate this childhood shutdown process, one generation at a time, with me as the end focal point. Each generation would take the energy of their parents, and pass it down amplified, until it eventually reaches me. It is now my responsibility to process and to heal that energy for the benefit of everyone.

To my surprise, Keith goes on to explain that my children and grandchildren are also in on the deal, that they are energetically gathered here as well, all in support of me moving the shutdown blockages that continue to shutdown their magic as well.

It is my job, with their support, to move this energy.

“Give it to the light, Brenda.” Keith then encourages me. “Release this energy for everyone involved.”

Honored And Overwhelmed

For a few minutes, I am stuck wandering in my head as I recognize that my profound Mormon heritage traces back on every single family line, right back to the early history of the church – as does that of my children. What better way to prepare me for such a lesson than to be born into a family of such strong fundamentalist religious roots.

The phrase, “Honor the family name,” was often used as a way to instill a sense of duty to these ancestors – in a sense sacrificing my own heart to uphold the heritage of others.

Had it not been for my chosen birth circumstances – that of being transgendered – there is no doubt that I would still be deeply stuck in that sense of multigenerational family responsibility.

I feel both honored and overwhelmed at the thought that it is now my job to move this shutdown energy on behalf of all of us. I struggle to find some metaphorical way to accomplish such a daunting task. I fully realize that it cannot be accomplished with left-brained thinking.

Finally, my thoughts are guided to think of the Muppet Show.

A Love-Filled Stage

Seconds later, I am visualizing every one of my ancestors and descendents energetically seated in the audience, including my own conscious-observer energy. At the same time, my physical self is standing on the stage, humorously interacting with Kermit, Miss Piggy, and the Cookie Monster.

Everyone, including my own conscious-observer self, is cheering me on, shouting out words of love and encouragement, reassuring me that I can release the pain, telling me to give the density to the light.

To allow this to work, I have to separate completely from rational mind – and I find that visualizing the process as magically happening to a separate physical-me on a stage in front of me proves to be quite effective.

For nearly two hours, I sit observing in that audience, surrounded by the support of extended family generations, while allowing waves of density to gently wash into my awareness, after which we all watch them release from my physical body. The crowd continuously and lovingly cheers me on.

At first, I actually feel the painful prickly energy leaving from my solar plexus. Eventually the pain manifests as a pronounced and very-familiar pain – as if a sharp nail is poking right into the exact center of my heart chakra.

A Group Cycle

Several times, I release this nail-in-the heart pain into the light – and actually feel it leave my physical body.

When my heart feels strong and peaceful, I then begin to bring in more of everyone’s pushed-out magic, back into my heart. The power of this group soul-retrieval causes intense panic and fear to come up – causing the physical heart-pain to resurface. Intuitively, I recognize these emotions of panic and fear as belonging to all of us in the group. These emotions are not just my own.

With the group’s encouragement and support, I next release the panic and fear, after which I resume the process of bringing in more of the group magic. It all moves in repetitive cycles. New magic triggers fear and panic – causing physical heart pain. Releasing the pain brings peace – allowing me to invite more magic to return.

When I eventually explain to Keith about all that is happening, he congratulates me, reassuring me that what I am doing is perfect – that he has nothing new to add.

“You are literally moving the density of all of the others involved in this agreement.” Keith emphasizes with loving confidence.

Keith goes on to explain that what I am releasing is not emotional density from my own past-lives or other-dimensional lives – that this is actual energy from other beings (my ancestors and descendents) that is being channeled through me. My collective agreement with these ancestors and descendents was that I would eventually be the funnel for this energy-healing process – a process that we designed outside of time – a process that has now been played out inside of time for hundreds of years.

Conscious Completion

“Keith, I know it is late, but I don’t feel done yet.” I soon interrupt. “Do you want me to leave and finish this on my own back in my apartment?”

To my delight, Keith encourages me to stay as long as is necessary. Finally, at nearly 7:00 p.m., I recognize that a stopping point is near.

“Congratulations on another amazing journey of following the energies wherever they lead you.” Keith tells me as we exchange a quick goodnight hug. Because it is now dark outside, Serg, who has remained on the porch to the very end, volunteers to walk with me back into town.

As I stroll through the darkness, part of me wonders if this process could have gone on for many days. Another part of me intuitively knows that it will go on for days, but that it will happen at other levels of consciousness, perhaps even in my dreams, no longer requiring my direct conscious involvement.

To Shine Without Fear

As I meditate briefly before bed, I am again blown away by the powerful journey that continues to effortlessly flow through me. All I need to do is to show up and be present – the rest seems to happen all by itself.

I could never have imagined how the presences of a beautiful one-year-old magical little boy could trigger so much amazing growth – growth that continues to this day. The emotions that began to overwhelm me at the start of this writing are now long-since faded.

It is clear that the adult judgment that bubbled to the surface – judgment that would continue to believe that a child ‘should be seen and not heard’ – was nothing but energetically inherited beliefs and conditioning, passed down from one generation to another. There is no doubt in my heart that this pattern is now broken, released back to the light, and transmuted.

I am well on my way toward liberating a suppressed and squashed little boy – no … wait … please, let me reword that.

I am well on my way toward liberating myself from the beliefs and generational conditioning that would suppress and squash the magic of a fourteen-month-old little Bobby.

Perhaps one day soon, I will earn Bobby’s complete trust. Perhaps then, he will drop the protective walls around his magic, allowing his beautiful gifts to shine without fear.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Tuesday morning, I set off on a new adventure. Shortly after 9:00 a.m., I have disembarked from my lancha (boat) at the Panajachel boat dock, and am standing in the middle of an outdoor used-fabric market. Twice per week, the large parking lot in front of the local firehouse is covered with layers of used Mayan fabric. Most of the fabric comes from used “cortes” – the skirts that the local indigenous women wear. I am on a mission of sorts. I want to cover my living room day bed with something a little more decorative, and I would love to make at least three large overstuffed pillows – pillows that I can use for personal comfort – pillows that I can use for the comfort of others when I eventually conduct my own chocolate sessions here in San Marcos.

Soon I have purchased four large “cortes” – each about three feet wide and around ten to twelve feet in length. Two of them will make a perfect bedspread, with the other two being just enough for four pillows.

Thirty minutes later, I am in a small fabric store purchasing what I believe to be enough muslin to sew four large inner pillows. Then I again hike through the hot morning sun in search of a tailor that Keith recommended. At last, my journey is complete. The tailor has my instructions, we have an agreed-upon price, and I will return in a week to retrieve my treasures.

The whole morning has been one of stepping out of my comfort zone, of crossing language and cultural barriers, and of facing fears. I am quite pleased with the outcome.

Warmth Of My Heart

After a long day involving extensive walking and heavy loads, I grant myself loving permission to rest. Later, while meditating, a feeling of inner guidance whispers that it is time to begin opening more energy flow in my legs, guiding me that one way to do this (for me) is to start stretching out the tight muscles in my hips and thighs – cramped muscles that choke off and prevent a free flowing of that energy.

After doing so, pushing my tight joints and muscles to their limits, I simply relax and meditate into the increased energy flow, using my heart-knowing and inner-will to pull dense energy out of both the front and back of my abdomen. My first inclination is to attempt to release and transmute this energy – but a sense of intuition instead guides me to bring it into my heart. As I do so, I sense the energy in my heart rise to a powerful new level of strength and overflowing.

Suddenly, I start to feel considerable prickly/painful energy beginning to manifest – especially around the bladder and lower areas of my second chakra. With loving focus, I simply invite the painful prickles to rise, guiding them upward with my will, where they soon disappear into the warmth of my heart.

Intuitively, I recognize that what I am doing is reconnecting with more of the forgotten “self-hatred” that continues to coat my abdominal organs, as well as the muscles and joints in my hips and legs – and I humbly recognize that I am still only scratching the surface.

Getting To Know You

As Wednesday afternoon finally arrives, I am eager to embrace the unknown growth of my second chocolate ceremony after returning to San Marcos.

As Keith moves his way around the circle, helping others, my abdomen increasingly flares up with growing painful cramps and nausea. The discomfort is so severe that I struggle, desperately wanting to interrupt, wishing I could have immediate assistance. As I patiently suffer, I watch with awe as every single person’s work applies directly to my trigger issues, taking me deeper and deeper into the physical metaphor that is causing me so much anxiety.

By the time Keith finally turns to work with me, I feel quite helpless and confused.

“Sit with the nausea and pain.” Keith guides me. “Get to know it.”

That is not what I want to hear. The tight knot at the top center of my solar plexus is so pressurized and agonizingly painful that I want it out, NOW.

Seconds later, I remind myself of the inner guidance that I have repeatedly received throughout the summer as this pain in my solar plexus has continued to strengthen.

“Just send love.” Intuitions repeatedly guided me. “Using light cannons to attack the pain will not solve anything.”

Jumping Doubts

As I patiently wait for Keith to help me, I am hoping for empathy and assistance in moving the painful energy, but that hope is soon dashed.

“You are at a new level of being guided to work with this density,” Keith soon coaches me, “You are being guided to work with this density using Higher Energies rather than crying it out.”

At one level, I agree completely, but inner doubts begin to jump up and down, screaming that they do not trust this approach, demanding that tears are the only thing that will work for me.

Knotted-Up Pipes

As I again sit with this pain in my abdomen, attempting to get to know it better, profound emotions begin to consume me. The closer I get to this pain, the more raw the emotions become.

Tears begin to quietly stream down my cheeks as I attempt to keep my emotions from splattering out all over the porch. Soon, my belly is also shaking, as if twitching in a “yes/no/yes/no” battle of “to cry or not to cry”.

In my visual imagination, I begin to see the energy blockage in my upper solar plexus as a huge mass of pipes and steel cables, twisted so tightly together, tied into so many knots, that no energy flow is capable of moving to or from my heart.

Hopeless and Helpless

As Keith continues to work his way around the porch for a second time, I attempt to meditate – trying to bring in higher energy to help with my blockage.

In continued meditation, what I originally saw as a twisted mass of pipes and cables gradually morphs into an entire demilitarized zone – as if it is an impassible military buffer between two hated and bitter enemies.

Coils of razor wire spring up everywhere, as do walls spiked by strategically placed broken glass to prevent anyone from climbing. Soon, automated, motion-sensing machine guns protect the walls – deadly guns that will shoot at anything that moves in this protected zone.

Land mines quickly dot the landscape, accompanied by every imaginable type of bloody booby trap from every Indiana-Jones-type movie that I have ever seen – increasingly making this energetic blockage in my solar plexus impossible to navigate.

As I continue to meditate on this intensely guarded buffer zone, a sense of sheer and utter hopelessness consumes my soul.

“This energy blockage is so vast and complex,” I ponder in helplessness, “that I will never be able to tear down the walls by myself.”

In fact, I experience sudden terror at the thought of even trying. I am clueless as to how or where to even begin.”

“Yes,” I surrender in despair. “Higher assistance is the only way. But I just do not know how to do that.”

Guarded Magic

Suddenly a new awareness floods my intuitive understanding.

“This deadly demilitarized zone completely surrounds my Magical Theme Park – the playground of inner magic that I discovered earlier last spring.” I ponder with surprise. “These walls keep my magic isolated and unreachable to logic and rational mind.”

Each time I meditatively attempt to draw closer – or to bring in light to help – a feeling of sheer panic quickly overwhelms me, literally causing my heart to cringe, stopping me in my tracks.

“Congratulations Brenda on achieving a new level of growth.” Keith soon rejoins my inner work. “You have clearly recognized that you cannot do it alone or with your rational mind … that you have to have help … a setup that can only be solved by higher energies.”

Light Magnets

“Bring in a small ball of light to help you.” Keith soon guides me, giving me a clue of another way to work with this terrifying demilitarized zone.

Even though I find it extremely difficult to visualize, I refuse to believe ego thoughts that insist, “I can’t do this.”

Prior to today’s ceremony, I had promised myself that I would no longer allow doubts to stop me. Still, I find it almost impossible to visualize the light, so I focus on simply allowing myself to pretend that I can feel it instead.

As I allow intuitive imagination to take over, I feel as if the light becomes a large magnet – a magnet that begins to suck parts of the wall into its realm. Thousands of knife-edges from the razor wire begin to fly into the light as I feel this vacuum-like pull gradually sucking at everything in the massive military buffer zone – one by one pulling obstacles and booby-traps out of the ground and into the light.

For the longest of times, I imagine knife blades, nails, land mines, pins, arrows, poison darts, needles, hypodermic needles, machine guns, bullets, tiger pits, jungle traps – imagining all of these flying through the air, being sucked into the light.

But there seems to be an endless supply of these deadly weapons – a never ending visualization that continues to instill a sense of hopelessness. No matter how much of the treacherous wall that I bring into the light, it seems like ever more booby traps replace those that disappear.

Throughout this long meditative saga, my stomach and solar plexus continue to throb painfully – a pain that threatens to go on forever.

Never-Ending Wall

I meditate for over an hour as images of disaster movies flash through my mind – scenes of earthquakes sucking in walls and buildings, with the ground crumbling away.

Soon, the images begin to include non-physical structures. Joining the images are crumbling political structures, jobs, universities, societal rules, and belief systems. The entire illusory world is being sucked into the light.

Yet, through it all, the wall never gets smaller or thinner. The demilitarized zone intuitively seems as powerfully protected as ever.

Another Day

“Take a break.” Keith eventually guides me to suspend my visualization.

To my surprise, I never return to this scene of hopeless destruction. Instead, I find myself consumed by the applicability of surrounding conversations that powerfully apply to me.

“You cannot take the wrong bus … It is already done … You cannot fail.”

Many such messages ground me into the rational remembering that I am perfect exactly where I am – that I am in the middle of a divinely guided process and that all is well.

Yet I feel as if I have been run over by a truck and kicked in the solar plexus by a steel-toed boot – and I continue to experience some nausea and pain from the intense energy blockage near the top-center of my solar plexus.

Gradually, as I let my mind wander and simply focus on reconnecting with the light, I feel an inflow of Higher Energy vibrations – vibrations that comfort my tired heart – warm vibrations that fill me with peace and confidence, reminding me that I have made great progress today, and that the rest can wait for later.

A New Level

After the ceremony ends, rather than isolating myself to continue meditation, I instead follow a heart that tells me to go to dinner with a new friend – opting to honor another element of persistent guidance telling me it is time to be more social as I take on another new year of inner work.

As I later rest on my pillow, reviewing the day’s events, I again reflect on how Keith congratulated me for having reached a new level today – one of clear realization that rational mind simply cannot offer the solution – that the answers will not and do not come through logical mind – that I need to further trust the Higher Energies.

I indeed know that I am finally ready to embrace this new level – one that I could not quite reach last June.

Day Of Rest

Thursday turns into a much-needed day of rest and studying Spanish. My heart continues to process after a very profound chocolate session yesterday.

Motivation to force my writing is nonexistent. In fact, I made a commitment this year that I will only write when driven by inner joy and passion. As ego rants on about how I need to work hard to catch-up in my blog, I simply smile, put on two back-to-back movies, and relax into bed.

Finally, for an hour and a half on Friday morning, the writing-bug swells in my heart. But my passion to communicate is cut short by an unexpected opportunity – a small private chocolate ceremony – one in which Keith has invited a few others to participate, including me.

Building Trust

As the ceremony begins, my solar plexus quickly resumes a painful journey of demanding my full focus and attention. Rather than judging or fixing, I instead focus on bringing in more light – asking the light for intuitive messages – asking the light to show me what it would do with these emotional densities that continue to knock on my door.

“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me, “you are in a journey of learning to use the Higher Energies rather than just using the tearful approach that you trust so well. Your process today is to play with that journey and to build more trust.”

“I have been trying to do this all summer.” I ponder after Keith again moves on. “But I have indeed felt quite helpless, still not fully trusting that I know how to use the Higher Energies in my own personal release process.”

Part of me insists that I must be able to feel them better before I can trust them – yet another part knows that I cannot feel them better until after I learn to trust them.

Energetic Support

Soon, I begin a silent journey of bringing back that magical ball of magnetic light from Wednesday’s meditation – the ball of light that continuously absorbed treacherous booby-traps from a hopeless and frightening demilitarized zone in my solar plexus.

To my shock and surprise, that demilitarized zone seems to be gone – yet a painful prickly energy remains in my solar plexus, one that is every bit as intense and agitated as before.

As I listen to Keith work with another woman, telling her how the energies of Mother earth will support her heart – Inner guidance tells me that his words were spoken for my benefit, that I need to “bring in the energies from Mother Earth to support my heart.”

“Of course,” I ponder quietly. “It is these energies from the mother that have been blocked at my solar plexus. My heart is craving this loving support and energetic fuel from below.”

Another Key

While focusing on this new endeavor, I note that a friend is engaging in a round of intense emotion. Inner guidance quickly encourages me to direct some of my heart energy in her direction.

Suddenly a new thread of intuition tells me to change the manner in which I send heart energy. Normally, I first fill my heart by metaphorically breathing in energy through my crown.

“Bring that energy from Mother Earth,” the intuitions tell me. “Bring it in through your lower chakras, right through the center of the pain in your solar plexus.”

This profound new intuition feels like a powerful key to my ongoing journey.

My Own Higher Self

As I focus on bringing energy up from below, my solar plexus continues to prickle with pain, but I do actually experience the sensation of some light energy flowing upward. This poking-from-within soon spreads to my lower second chakra regions as I envision little Bobby and Sharon using pipe cleaners to help open up the energy flow in my channels.

“Be my own Higher Self.” Yet another round of intuition floods my awareness. “Take on that leadership role that has been so lacking in my inner life.”

Soon I am lovingly envisioning every one of the cells in my abdomen as being conscious entities, each one of which is in need of my unconditional love and rallying support.

Giggling Joy

Minutes later, I am standing on the central stage of a huge metaphorical football stadium. Millions of these conscious cellular entities, most from my abdomen, occupy the seats. They are anxiously awaiting my words, wondering if they can trust me, or if my words will just be part of the same old leadership crap that they have heard from me throughout the years.

After encouraging them to feel the divine truth of my genuine love for them, I reassure each cell that they are free to choose their own path.

“But the light can be much more joyful and fun than that old ‘work, work, work’ path on which we have all found ourselves stuck in the past.” I giggle at the metaphorical microphone.

I literally giggle on my physical face too, as I overhear Keith working with a friend about how we all think that emotional and spiritual work needs to be hard – that it needs to be a painful struggle.

Free To Choose

The next ideas that pop into my mind surprise even me. I am guided to envision all of these cells in my abdomen, especially those in the lower second chakra, as being perfect chunks of black coal.

“Bring in the light and ask it to transmute you into clear diamonds.” I encourage the cells in that imaginary stadium. “Allow the light to flow through you and to bring you radiant joy and happy energy.”

Next, I reassure all of the cells that they are free to transmute into diamonds or to remain as black coal – that I will love them just the same. Then I encourage those cells that have already transmuted, those that are already shining as clear diamonds, to shine their light for their neighbors in an unconditional way … allowing those around them to feel and experience the glow without judging in any way if they choose not to accept it for themselves.

My main goal here is to let every cell know that I love them unconditionally no matter what path they choose.

Collective Pain

Suddenly a new concept becomes quite clear: The intense prickly pain I am feeling in my abdomen is not my own pain at all.

Instead, I am empathically sensing the combined pain of each individual cell – each and every cell in my abdomen that continues to experience energetic isolation and shutdown. Rather than being “my pain,” what I feel is actually the collective pain of every one of these cells.

“I am deeply grateful that you have kept me safe through all these fifty-plus years.” I speak into the microphone to these dedicated pain-ridden cells, who in their confusion and fear continue to keep themselves energetically shutdown.

“But this light is safe, and actually fun.” I add. “This pure unconditional light is not like the conditional teachings that once shut you down as a child. This light loves you and accepts you no matter what.”

“Those of you who are willing to participate … who are willing to take the risk …” I then make a leadership request. “I would love it if you will allow me and the angels to empathically assist you in releasing and transmuting all of your bottled up pain and sadness.”

I know I am still learning to be the unconditionally loving leader … but I giggle inside when I experience the sensation of significant painful energy that begins to move and release from my abdomen.

Congratulatory Confirmation

Throughout this entire process, I work alone, not verbally interacting with Keith or anyone else on this magical chocolate porch.

But to my amazement, many times during this beautiful meditative journey, Keith stops what he is doing, turns around, looks me in the eyes, gives me a huge thumbs up, and even giggles at me. A few times, he verbally congratulates me for the energy that he is experiencing – not asking me a single question before returning to work with the person he is assisting.

One time when Keith glances my way, I allow a doubting question to surface, asking Keith for outside confirmation that what I am doing is real.

“Brenda, I can feel the flow of energy leaving you,” Keith lovingly confirms, “and it is indeed making a difference.”

Loving Leadership Lessons

As I ponder deeply while continuing my meditative journey, I clearly recognize that today is a huge and powerful experience for me in actually putting into practice the lessons I learned earlier this year as documented in my June 28 blog titled: “Leadership of Love.”

Throughout this process, I have been an unconditionally loving leader, guiding my inner energies while not micromanaging them – encouraging them to make their own choices – simply providing inspired guidance – and then allowing the results to unfold with no attachment to outcomes.

Just as my own Higher Self loves me unconditionally, no matter what I choose in my life, I too will do the same for the individual energetic and cellular consciousnesses that make up my own physical body.

After the ceremony is complete, Keith shares a few words of wisdom, telling me that I (and my higher energies) designed this whole process, including my entire summer of solar plexus pain. It was all a setup to give me an opportunity to work with my leadership and micromanaging issues. In following this lesson, I am further learning to lead with unconditional love and non-attachment, to lead my own energies in the same way that I would lead a struggling and emotional five-year-old child. It is not a leadership of pushing, discipline, or threats of judgment – but one of unconditional love, understanding, and personal empowerment.

Life-Altering Shifts

As I stroll back to my apartment, I am amazed at how the majority of my solar plexus pain has already dissolved – with the remainder disappearing soon after I arrive at home.

I humbly recognize that my healing journey is far from complete – that today I merely dealt with yet another layer of energy blockages in my lower chakras – but I am simultaneously giggling with delightful energy.

I know that this week has been powerful in healing portions of my energy field – portions that have been deeply stuck since early childhood. I intuitively know that what took place this week has been, and will continue to be, life altering.

On Wednesday, I began dismantling an intense demilitarized war zone between heart and solar plexus – between feminine love and masculine power. Today, on the final day of September 2011, I have found great peace. I felt the energy of Mother earth flowing across that now-unguarded zone, supporting my heart while giving me the wisdom, courage, and strength to lovingly step into my power as my own Higher Self.

I am finally learning to take on a loving leadership role with the millions of conscious energies that make up my own physical body – a body called “Brenda” – a body that is a mere projection of who I really am.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

I did not take all that many photos during my travels this summer, but I did take some here and there. Prior to moving on with more writing, I have decided to spend an off-day, getting the photos out of the way.

As usual, each photo here is a thumbnail image. If you desire to download or see a larger, higher-resolution photo, you can simply click on the small photos and view to your heart’s content. Many of the thumbnail images are poorly clipped at the edges, and too small to see details, so if you have the internet bandwidth click away to see more details.

Misc Pre-Trip

Just a couple of days before beginning my summer travels back to Salt Lake City (and beyond), I participated in a chocolate ceremony at a beautiful hotel, about a twenty-minute boat ride from San Marcos.

While there, I took this opportunity to snap a photo of a dried chocolate fruit, or cacao pod as I call them. This one is much smaller than the ones I saw in Belize during my travels there. This is a “criollo” (pronounced cree-oh-yo) variety, which means wild. The hybrid pods used for most commercial production are twice this big. This pod contains from 30-50 seeds inside.

A view of beautiful Lake Atitlan as seen from the window of the hotel room where Keith conducted the amazing ceremony.

Goodbye San Marcos

This photo was taken just a few minutes before I boarded my boat, early on the morning of July 2, 2011. Pay close attention to the water levels in this photo, as I will refer back to it at the very end of this photo post.

Hello San Cristobal De Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico

This is a view from my hotel room, looking through the trees at the city in the valley below. This is the beautiful little city where my tourist shuttle left me on Saturday evening — where I spent an exhausting 24 hours waiting for my next bus that would take me north to Merida.

Ek Balam

After finally arriving in Valladolid, I soon took a pilgrimage back to Ek Balam and Kaxan Xul — sights of the five-day indigenous festival that I attended in late November, 2009.

In the foreground (in front of the white handkerchief) is the sacred little Ceiba tree that I donated to the organizers of the festival on the last day of my amazing experiences in Kaxan Xul. This thorny-barked tree is already between 7 and 8 feet tall. I was so thrilled to see it thriving.

The little ‘hill’ in the background is actually an unexcavated Mayan pyramid — the very one on which we did the fire ceremony on the first day of the festival.

Me standing by my favorite little tree.

This is the “temazcal” structure in which I participated in my third-ever sweat lodge (first with Eduardo in Cozumel, second in Mexico City). I love the colors.

Another view of the same place. I just love these rich earthen and green colors …

The little road leading into Kaxan Xul. It took me about fifteen minutes to walk to/from here from the center of the little village of Ek Balam. After waving goodbye I walked back to have some breakfast.

A really poor photo inside of Trini’s little “comedor” (kitchen). Trini’s sister was one of the main organizer’s of the festival. Trini lives in the little village and runs this tiny little mayan kitchen. This is the main table, family style. The blue scarf is one I use to keep mosquitoes off me when meditating…

After breakfast at Trini’s, I walked about three miles in the hot sun, with my destination being the entrance gates to the ruins of Ek Balam. But after arriving there, I first walked yet-another mile to the Cenote Xcanche. This beautiful underground pool (sacred to the Mayans) has an open-air top. Some such cenotes are completely underground, or have only a small cave-like opening at the top.

It was in and around this ceremony that we performed several ceremonies during that five-day festival in 2009. Very near to here is where we did the dance ceremony in the jungle.

After visiting the cenote, I was extremely hot and tired from my four-miles of walking in the sun. I took a few minutes to rest in one of these cool shady hammocks that I found nearby.

Note the large rip in my jeans. By the time I left San Marcos, every pair of my jeans and capris had similar or much-worse rips. It has been a long couple of years of travel.

I continue to be fascinated by construction methods in parts of Central America. This is the inside of the thatched room that covers the hammock area. The construction is all natural, with no metal nails or wires.

This is one of the braces, showing how everything is held together by natural vines that are wrapped around like ropes …

This is the clearing area (near the cenote) where we held the dance ceremony in the jungle. It was in this sacred area where that little jungle tick bit me on the side of my left foot — where I received my third degree burn. In many ways, it was occurrences on this very spot that led to me finding my way to San Marcos La Laguna at preciesly the right time …

Last but not least is this beautiful sign that marks the trail leading to this beautiful cenote.

This is a portion of the mile-long trail that leads from the parking lot down to the cenote.

My next venture took me yet-another mile walk back up this trail, back to the parking lot, and then into the ruins of Ek Balam themselves.

This first photo within the ruins was taken from the top of the highest pyramid, looking west toward the little village of Ek Balam — the same village where I walked to Kaxan Xul and ate in Trini’s comedor. As the bird flies, it is not all that far away, but it is a several mile walk the way the roads run, first looping around to the south…

Another view from the top of the tallest pyramid, this one looking over the vast flat Yucatan off toward the east.

This one is taken from the same spot, only looking down the front steps and off toward the other ruins to the south. I spent considerable time meditating inside the ruin at the far end of this photo.

A portion of the front of this beautiful pyramid at Ek Balam.

This is taken from the ruin at the south end, looking back toward the tall temple in the distance (the one where I took the earlier photos). It is right where I am that I sat and meditated, inside a little shady enclosure at the top of this smaller temple, enjoying the gorgeous view.

From the same vantage point, looking a little bit to the right. What appears to be a small wooded hill is actually a very large unexcavated pyramid. There are several of these in this area.

This is a Ceiba tree in Ek Balam. It is quite a bit larger than the one recently planted in Kaxan Xul (The one I donated).

This is a closeup of the trunk of that little Ceiba tree. You can clearly see how spiny the thorns are all over the trunks of these sacred trees.

Valladolid

When I arrived in Valladolid, all of the private rooms were full. Ewot kindly let me sleep in this room, a room which was temporarily out-of-service, one being prepared to be converted into a private room.

I slept on the bottm bunk of this bunk bed. I had this tiny window in the doorway that overlooks the park.

A view taken from my bunk, looking back toward the doorway which is covered with a thin sheet. Note my red backpack on the bottom right … it was heavy (about 58 pounds).

The view from my window, looking down on the Candelaria Park.

The view from the hallway, looking into my room as night begins to fall. As you can see, that thin little sheet did not give me a lot of privacy.

The steep narrow stairway leading from my upstairs room down to the lobby/entrance.

A typical view in Valladolid. The entire city has a theme of pastel colors. This particular photo was taken from the park by my hostel.

The entrance to the hostel.

Another view of the park. I just love that huge tree on the right.

Part of the garden area behind the hostel — beautifully landscaped.

Two of my favorite two things at the Hostel La Candelaria. Bobby (right) and Kalugin (left).

Making toast the old-fashioned way, on a toaster plate atop a gas stove. This kitchen area is out in the back yard of the hostel.

My yummy toast — topped with butter and abundant honey.

My dear friend Conny — from Germany. She has been living in Oxaca, Mexico and her trip for a visit home to Germany perfectly coincided with my own. She is the friend who told me all about her travels in Central America, gave me her tour book … and just happened to mention “Oh, there is a place at Lake Atitlan that you might like … a little place called San Marcos.”

Not-so-great photo of me with Kalugin, just after breakfast. There were lots of mosquitos out, so I kept my scarf handy …

A very curious Kalugin :)))

Cozumel

For some reason, I never got my camera out while in Cozumel this time … except for Thursday morning when I rode the ferry over to Playa Del Carmen to meet my friend Rafael and to then go with him to Cancun to meditate with his teacher …

This photo is the ferry terminal in Cozumel as my ferry prepares to pull away.

Some of the beautiful turquoise Caribbean waters just off the shoreline of Cozumel, looking out toward open sea.

Looking back toward Cozumel as the ferry pulls further away.

On the top of the boat, again looking back toward Cozumel. You can still see the ferry terminal just right of center.

Playa Del Carmen

Some of the beautiful white sandy beaches of Playa Del Carmen, as seen from the ferry.

Taken while barefoot on the beach, looking back at the blue and yellow ferry in Playa Del Carmen. This was my first and only beach time during this trip to Cozumel. I did spend some time snorkling in Cozumel (with Jaydee and two other women) but the beach where we entered/exited the water was quite rocky …

Salt Lake City

:)  … It seems that I did not take one single photo while in the Salt Lake City area (other than some hiking shots which I include later).

North Rim Of The Grand Canyon

On August 10, I began a twelve-day road trip, with my first destination being the north rim of the Grand Canyon.

Hiking along one of the trails.

Some of the beautiful scenery.

This trail is right near the visitor’s center … hiking out onto a narrow point that has gorgeous views in all directions.

As I post these, I realize that they are all of the same general area — differing views from this first trail that leads out from the visitor’s center.

A slightly different view of the beautiful nature around the Grand Canyon.

One of my favorite hikes was at the end of the road that runs east of the visitor’s center. If I remember right it was about an hour away. If you look closely, you can see that the rock in the center has a small window in the middle. I thoroughly enjoyed walking out on top of this natural bridge/arch … and enjoyed even more just sitting right here, meditating with this beautiful view in front of me.

Another view from this end of the park.

If you look closely in the top upper left portion of this photo, you can see a tiny portion of the Colorado in the canyon far below.

Zooming in to the view of the Colorado river far below.

The park ranger in this photo (far left) was letting people look through binoculars on a tripod, staring down at the river far below, then showing people large photo spreads of the huge rapids on this stretch of the river. Aparently it is a favorite river-rafting area.

And another view from on top of this narrow rock with an arch/window in it.

About 45 minutes later, I found myself at this view area, enjoying yet another meditation.

My little 2006 Toyota Camry, parked near an observation point. I cannot quite get myself to sell her, and I am so grateful that she was available during this summer trip. She is now back in storage, awaiting further decisions.

And another view from where my car was parked.

I love this view …

And one final view before returning to my tent at Jacob’s Lake — about a 45 minute drive to the north, back on the main highway. Along the way, I picked up some free firewood along a dirt road in a burn area (outside of the national park boundaries).

My campsite at Jacob’s Lake. I have had this little 10×10 tent for about fifteen years. It is still going strong.

As nightfall approached, I made a huge campfire with my gathered wood. I enjoyed it for several hours, during which time a couple of my neighbors stopped by to visit. They couldn’t believe that a single woman was out here camping all by herself … :0)

Sedona Arizona

After leaving my campground early the next morning, I first drove east to this river crossing at Marble Canyon. I am taking this photo from a separate pedestrian bridge. What a beautiful bridge and river crossing.

Looking upstream from the pedestrian bridge at Marble Canyon. This is the Colorado River below Lake Powell, flowing from Utah on its way toward the Grand Canyon.

Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, I shared beautiful meditative space with my friend Barbara, who lives and works at a retreat center near Sedona. Thursday evening, we went swimming in a beautiful red-rock surrounded stream. Friday morning we took a long hike, in the hot sun, up Boynton Canyon — an area said to be one of the energy vortexes in the Sedona area.

My friend Barbara as we prepare to leave for our all-morning hike.

One view along the beautiful trail.

After a couple of hours we decided to stop in a shady area and meditate for a while. This is Barbara meditating.

And me meditating … still dragging that little blue scarf around to keep the critters off :)

Barbara and I with the camera on a rock …

This beautiful butterfly posed for us as we later hiked back to the trailhead.

Phoenix/Scottsdale Arizona

Oops … another place where I didn’t take any photos at all.

Oceanside, California

Before visiting my Niece in San Diego, I had three days to explore on my own. I spent the first half day cycling through an ego loop before deciding to follow my heart. Soon I had checked into an inexpensive motel in the Oceanside, CA area, enjoying all the beach time I wanted.

On Tuesday afternoon, after spending a couple of hours meditating on the beach, I decided to check out the Oceanside pier.

I did not meditate in these crowds near the pier, I did that about five miles further down the beach to the south, where it was not quite as crowded.

A gull taking off from the edge of the pier. I am about 3/4 the way out to the end of the pier at this point. Note how far away the beach is. This is a long pier.

Looking back toward shore.

My favorite photo on the pier. You’ll have to click on the photo to see the whole bird.

Many surfers were enjoying a leisurely afternoon as they caught a few waves next to the pier.

Here’s one up on his board.

San Diego

Oops … yet again no photos here :o)))

Uintah Mountains

A couple of weeks after my road trip, I spent a few outings hiking along a trail in the Uintah Mountains — one of my favorite spots to go when in that neck of the woods.

These thistle flowers just fascinate me. I love this one.

And another flower that dazzles me … almost like an optical illusion. You’ll have to click on the photo and enlarge it to get the full effect.

It was not until later I noticed the little white spider crawling on the lower half of the flower.

One of my favorite trails on which to hike. It is easy to get to, quite isolated, and only a short hike to isolation.

Another view on the trail.

A noisy little stream runs all along most of the trail.

Another portion of the trail … this part nestled among the Aspen trees.

A cute little butterfly paused to pose.

Another less-wooded area through which I walked … but I just love the flowers.

A view of the gorgeous Uintah Mountains as seen from the trail.

Antigua, Guatemala

After an amazing final-fifteen days in Utah, my plane touches down in Guatemala City. A couple hours later I am passing time in the central plaza of Antigua. I didn’t get my camera out in time to capture the whole show. There were many jugglers and carnival-like performances that I did not capture on film.

After the jugglers, this mime came out to entertain the crowd. I found it quite humorous to watch a young Guatemalan man play Charlie Chaplan.

Part of the crowd watching the show. I was quite impressed with these young men in dark suits. I don’t know if they are part of a local business school, or if this is a school uniform or something. It is definitely not common to see Guatemalan young men dressed so elegantly.

I did manage to capture one of the jugglers who was practicing after the show ended.

Lake Atitlan Water Levels

For those who have followed past posts, I have found it quite fascinating to track the water levels here at the lake during these last two rainy seasons. In fact, last week I had to wait for a half hour in Panachel because the boat dock was being rebuilt as I watched. No boats were able to leave until they finished raising it.

I took these photos today, after returning from a boat trip to Panajachel. Eighteen months ago, when I first arrived in San Marcos, the boat dock was down this cobble stone path, around to the left, down some steps, along a path, down a trail, and then out onto a dock.

Now, the water level is so high that it is encroaching on the hotel to the left, and the path is flooded, requiring that a ramp be built above the stone path.

The path leading to this dock (previous photo) is to my right. When I left San Marcos in July, the photo of the dock that I took was taken while standing on dry ground just a few feet in front of me and to the right. Now this entire area is flooded. The wall just behind the dog, which was about four feet tall, is now flooded.

In fact, the area where the dog is walking was at least three or four feet above water level. Now it is under a couple of feet of water.

This is now how the dock looks today. It is already almost under water again (as the rains continue to pour almost every afternoon). The neighboring hotel’s boatdock used to be visible in front of the boat back center. It is now completely gone.

Just a couple of weeks ago, where I am standing was on dry ground. Now It is totally flooded and these ramps are necessary for people to get to the cobblestone path leading up to the center of town. 

These are a couple of beautiful rooms at the Posada Schuman (hotel). I once stayed in a room further up from these. You have to expand this photo to see it, but the lake level is now nearly consuming these rooms — rooms that used to be 15 or 20 feet above water level when I first arrived in April 2010.

When I left in July, the rock wall was being raised to protect the lake from encroaching on the hotel. It was at least five feet above water level then. If you look closely in the middle, you can see the red tile roof of the original brand-new boat dock. That dock platform (now halfway under water) used to be at least ten feet above water.

Lake Atitlan has no outlet. The water just keeps rising with the increased rains.

 

One more angle looking the other way from the boat dock. Chaty from the pyramids used to have a rock wall to protect her house. That very-tall wall has now disappeared.

At the very bottom-right of the photo, is the wall I pointed out at the beginning of this photo blog. It is totally underwater now.

This final photo is taken from the end of the dock, looking back toward shore. This entire area (from where I am to the fence) was dry ground when I left in July. Oh how things change.

I don’t know why I am so fascinated by the water levels here. I have no attachments whatsoever, yet I find the continuous rise to be quite interesting. Even more interesting is the process of watching how the local people just always find a way to adapt and to make things work.

Wrap Up

I have loved my travels of the last three months, and am also extremely excited to be back in San Marcos, attending chocolate ceremonies and writing again.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved