Brenda's Bicycles

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Saturday, July 31 – 7:00 p.m.

Yesterday (Friday) was one of those beautiful days in which I felt loving peaceful energy radiating from within my soul throughout the entire day.

I began the day with an incredible experience. I awoke at 4:15 a.m. from what was a very vivid and LUCID dream. My memories from the dream begin in Panajachel – the main town on the other side of the lake where most visitors first approach Lake Atitlan. To my surprise, I was walking around the streets with my daughter-in-law, my oldest son’s wife. We were happy and having a fun time together. At one point she asked me if I would spend the day with her, helping her to distribute her merchandise to various locations around the lake. Apparently she was some type of wholesaler with goods to deliver to various people in various villages such as San Marcos and San Pedro.

After telling her “Yes, I would love to help you,” I followed her down a path toward the lake. As we approached the wooden docks, I recognized them as being the private docks on the south side of Panajachel.

“These are not the public boat docks.” I told her. “The boats here are more expensive, and do not run as often. We should go over to the public docks.”

She just smiled slyly and indicated that we were not going to be taking a boat. She was going to use a sling shot to send the merchandise across the lake. Reaching into her pocket, she removed an average-looking sling shot, along with two small square cubes. She placed them both into the leather pocket of the slingshot and pulled it back, preparing to launch the cubes out into the sky above the water, aiming toward the far side of the lake.

Intuitively, I strongly recognized that “this is not normal,” and I very calmly became fully conscious that I was inside of a dream – recognizing that the unfolding events would not be possible in waking physical life.

Even though I was fully conscious, the dream did not end – I was still 100 percent in the dream – just fully aware that it was a dream.

As my daughter-in-law launched the two cubes out over the water, they began to fly across the lake, and magically expanded into what looked like two huge shipping containers – the kind that are used on cargo ships and on railroad cars.

I felt mischievous and decided to have some fun. Focusing on the two shipping containers with my mind, I caused them to explode over the middle of the lake. I felt my daughter-in-law’s shock as large chunks of metal plummeted toward the lake waters below.

Before she became too distraught over her losses, I again pulled out my magical powers and mimicked Yoda from Return of the Jedi. With the power of my mind, I focused all of my efforts with my hand outstretched. After intense concentration, I watched as the broken pieces of metal emerged from the depths of the lake, flew back up into the air, resumed their former shape of shipping containers, and began again their journey across the lake.

Immediately, I lost interest in the game playing as I remembered that Chaty had instructed us that when we wake up in a dream, we should try to go somewhere such as the pyramid temple. Almost immediately upon remembering Chaty’s instructions, I focused intently on the thought “Take me to the (pyramid) temple.”

As I did so, I felt a surge of energy build up in my body. I immediately realized that I was about to astral travel from my dream to another place. My friend Sandra has done this many times now, and she coached me to be sure to concentrate my vision on a single spot so as not to lose consciousness and fall back into the dream state. I glued my eyes on a distant cloud and focused with all of my might. For what felt like ten or twenty seconds I felt the energy building and focused my entire attention to the task of staying awake.

I felt myself freeze up slightly as I mistakenly speculated that I was sitting up in bed while meditating, and that if I were to astral travel then my body would fall over and might hurt itself. Seconds later the energy buildup fizzled, my dream went dark, and I realized that my attempt had failed. To my surprise, I realized immediately that I was not sitting up in meditation – I was instead safely lying on my back, still in my bed.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was already awake long before my dream ended. I was fully conscious from the moment that my daughter-in-law loaded the two cubes into her slingshot. When my dream ended and I opened my eyes, the only thing that happened was that my visualizations ended. There was no transition of consciousness – I was already fully conscious – I simply had a slight awareness issue regarding my starting position in bed.

As I sat up and wrote down the amazing dream experience, I was ecstatic with joy. This is the first Lucid dream I have had since the silly one I had during my moon course on the very first night that I tried to practice Lucid dreaming in early May.

*  *  *  *  *

It was not until today (Saturday) that I realized another interesting “synchronicity” regarding yesterday’s dream. But to explain, I need to first establish a few background facts.

In August of 2008, my channeling friend, Trish, first told me about my three spiritual guides. It was during that amazing channeling session that she gave me a necklace that she had purchased in Park City many years prior – a necklace to which she had never really connected – a necklace that my guides told her during the session that she had actually purchased so that she could eventually give it to me.

For the majority of the past two years, I have worn that necklace 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But during my first few days of the Moon Course, Chaty had instructed us to not bring any metal into the pyramid temple (unless it was something that we always wear).

Even though I always wore my necklace – and it had a deep spiritual significance to me – I decided to stop wearing it so as to not have the appearance of breaking any rules.

I again wore the necklace during the few weeks between the Moon Course and the Sun Course – but again I took it off on June 21. A few days later I decided that I wanted to start wearing it again, but in a freak accident while moving about my room, I caught the thin silver chain on the corner of a piece of furniture and it broke. I no longer had a chain on which to wear the circular pendant, and I simply set it aside, telling myself that one of these days I would figure out how and/or where to get the chain repaired.

Wednesday (three days ago), as I was talking to Michelle in that amazing two-and-a-half hour energizing conversation, she out-of-the-blue asked me about my necklace, telling me that she was deeply prompted to tell me that I must wear it all of the time. At her insistence, I placed the circular pendant in my left hand. As I did so, Michelle began to deeply connect with the energy of my necklace (remotely), telling me that she was feeling electricity run through her body as she was being guided to tell me how important it was for me to wear it. She told me that the pendant was made specifically for me, that Trish had spiritually charged and guarded it for me, and that it was now my companion, my partner, my equal, in my spiritual journey.

After that amazing experience with Michelle, I wandered out into San Marcos and found a local French-speaking artisan who sells jewelry on the main sidewalk thoroughfare. I asked her to make a braided cord for me out of reddish, greenish, and tan macramé threads. The colors would match the center emerald and the six surrounding rubies at the end of each of the six silver spokes.

Thursday morning, I eagerly sought out the same artisan to pick up my new necklace. From that moment on, my precious necklace has not left my neck for more than a minute or two. Thursday evening was the first night in which I have slept with my pendant around my neck in quite some time – and it was that same night (early Friday morning) in which I had my Lucid dream.

Coincidence? I believe not.

*  *  *  *  *

The second highlight of my day was two deeply spiritual conversations on Skype, one with my friend Rose in Utah, and the other with my friend Pyper in Washington State. Both conversations were overflowing with incredible two-way inspiration. Spirit was truly a guiding force through both discussions.

In my conversation with Rose, we spent more than half of our time discussing my recent internal growth journey in lovingly dealing with my promptings regarding support payments. Her inspired feedback helped me reach a deep state of clarity and peace regarding that difficult emotional trek. It was immediately after that beautiful chat with Rose that Pyper called me back. Amazingly, my usually-flaky internet connection again remained strong and true.

Pyper – a dear friend from my Master’s degree internship – contains an internal wealth of knowledge about topics related to Incan Shamanism. She is a deeply spiritual woman who has studied the spiritual traditions of the ancient Incan’s for many years. Pyper and I usually only talk once every few months, and I wasn’t going to try to contact her again until after my Sun Course in late September, but for some reason she left me a voicemail earlier this week, indicating that she really wanted to talk to me before I go into my upcoming 40-days of silence.

I just smiled inside, because I realized that the primary reason for our call would be for her to help me to interpret my Jaguar dream from July 23^rd. In April, Pyper had been a great help to me in interpreting my Snake dream – the dream that I had in Flores, Guatemala just after my weird experiences with the Mayan man in Tikal who called himself a Shaman. At that time, Pyper had given me incredible insights into the sacred Shamanistic symbolism of Snakes, and she had also helped me to add great spiritual perspective regarding my experiences in Tikal. As that April conversation had neared conclusion, Pyper had told me that she was anxious to hear about any future dreams I might have related to Jaguars – another very sacred animal in Incan Shamanism.

In my recent (first and only) Jaguar dream, the beautiful spotted creature was walking around suburbia on a green well-groomed lawn, drinking water from sprinkler heads. I was hiding under an invisibility cloak, listening to a male voice narrate what sounded like a documentary about why one should not let Jaguar’s drink from their lawn sprinklers. One by one, I magically reached out with some type of wand or stick and shut down each sprinkler head from which the Jaguar attempted to drink. Finally, I playfully reached out (still under my invisibility cloak) and began to wrestle with the Jaguar right before waking up.

After sharing my dream with Pyper, she explained to me that Jaguars represent grace and impeccability. They are a very sacred animal in Incan Shamanism, being the Queen of the jungle. They go up high, and sit in the tops of the trees, rising above what does not work for them, observing the activities that go on below, gathering information, being fully aware of everything going on around them – but for the most part simply observing without being “part of” those ongoing events. Jaguars always have what they need, having the internal skills and strength, and the support of their environment. While the Jaguar’s strength frightens other animals, the Jaguar only uses that strength when necessary, using it with its characteristic grace and impeccability.

After giving me background on Jaguars in general, Pyper began to interpret my dream. I literally loved her insights. Everything she said felt deeply inspired and rang true in my heart. She suggested that the Jaguar represented me in “God form”, walking through suburbia – my old stomping grounds – symbolizing my existence in two worlds. Pyper also suggested that the suburbs themselves, and the “me-that-was-hiding-under-the-cloak” were also representing different aspects of my self. She speculated that the strong male voice running through my ears in the form of a documentary about Jaguars and sprinklers was my former intellectual male voice and that the water coming from the sprinkler heads represented femininity and emotion. Then Pyper added that when I lunged out and began to playfully wrestle with the Jaguar, this represented the fact that I now feel safe playfully engaging with this more divine part of myself, knowing there is nothing to be afraid of – that nothing can hurt my true self.

Then the real insight flooded through my soul as Pyper intuitively suggested that this dream was representative of the way in which I handled the recent support-payment situation with my former wife. Suddenly everything made sense. The surroundings of the dream were quite similar to the environment where my former wife still lives. In dealing with the incredibly difficult emotions (water), I acted with powerful grace, impeccability and loving emotional strength. My old logical voices were playing like a recording in the back of my head, but I used my loving spiritual strength to playfully engage with my higher self.

What makes the whole dream seem like magic is the fact that the short beautiful email that I received from my former spouse – the one that literally blew me away with gratitude as she thanked me for my financial support over the years, wishing me the best in my future journey – was sent the very next day after this dream (exactly two weeks after I sent my inspired and love-based response to her).

*  *  *  *  *

As I talked more in my Skype call with Pyper, after we finished discussing my Jaguar dream, she felt deeply prompted to read to me about the spiritual significance of emeralds and rubies – the two types of jewels on my pendant.

I was scribbling furiously to take a few sketchy notes as she read the descriptions to me. This is more or less the highlights of what she told me – at least the parts that jumped out at me – but my notes were incomplete at best.

The emerald is a stone of successful love, sensitivity, and loyalty to self. It helps to enhance memory, and to stimulate mental capacity. The emerald encourages integrity, making a right choice to be the only choice possible. Emeralds open and activate the heart chakra, quiet the emotions, create harmony, stimulate subconscious, and help to access the laws of the universe.

The ruby also stimulates the heart chakra, helping to create a loving emotional side, spiritual wisdom, nobility, mental concentration, and gentleness. The ruby is a shielding stone, and is said to represent a rise from martyrdom, anguish, distress, and suffering. It has been used in the “casting of lots” to help in resolving questions. It protects against unhappiness, lights the darkness, brings birth to the spark of life, creativity, expansiveness, refinement of will as a love based force, and is used in rebirthing and releasing blockages.

As I listened to these amazing descriptions of the beautiful jewels that adorn my precious spiritual pendant, I made a commitment to myself to wear my necklace everywhere – with the pendant right over my heart – only removing it for bathing or swimming, or if otherwise prompted.

*  *  *  *  *

Friday evening I was faced with another task – a visit to the home of the only doctor in town – a visit to inquire about the results of my parasite test. At around 7:30 p.m. on Friday night, I learned the exciting news.

I am the proud host to every type of Uninvited Intestinal Creatures (UICs) for which I was tested – these being a healthy and thriving mixture of Giardia, Amoeba, Roundworm, and miscellaneous bacteria.

The Giardia greatly reduce my ability to digest and absorb food. The Amoeba have a fun tendency to spread throughout the intestines and the rest of the body, causing all types of fun symptoms, and the roundworms love to eat away my nutrition while laying thousands (up to 200,000 per day) of eggs in my intestines. These little worms, if not treated, can also escape to other parts of the body and wreak havoc.

Amazingly, my symptoms were not all that noticeable – other than the loose stools and extremely unpleasant intestinal gas. I suspect that I have been carrying these little nutrition vampires for quite some time – and I highly suspect that I was already playing host to them in late May, even when my parasite test at that time came up negative.

Regardless, I am happy and content. I am not really sick, and am eager to complete my medical treatment to rid these little UICs from my body. Even with my poor digestion, I have great energy. I can only imagine how much additional energy I might have when I no longer have thousands of little protozoa and worms competing for my precious nutrition.

I love the local doctor here (Dr. Alfredo). His office is actually in San Pedro, but he lives here in San Marcos, and sees local patients during the evening hours. When he discovered that he did not have enough of the two medications that I need in stock at his home, he walked with me over to the only pharmacy in town (at 8:30 p.m.). This pharmacy is a family business, run by his wife – but is closed most of the time when I walk by it.

As Dr. Alfredo unlocked the pharmacy’s exterior door and fiddled with the light switches, he discovered that the electricity was off. He jokingly commented that there is a switch over in the park that children sometimes play with. When that switch is flipped in the wrong position, the pharmacy does not get power. Holding my flashlight for him, I illuminated the shelves until he located the meds that I needed. After paying him my 75 Quetzales (less than $10 for the meds), I thanked him for his help, and was on my way. I will be taking one of the meds for three days, and the other for seven days. In ten days I will have another parasite test to see how/if the treatments worked.

The parasite test itself was 20 Quetzales ($2.50 US). It was not until I was almost safely back to my pyramid that I realized that Dr. Alfredo had never asked me for a dime for his own time. He had simply charged me for the test and the medicines. What an amazing man. 

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*  *  *  *  *

Today (Saturday) has been a very weird off-feeling day. After Yoga and class time, I was intending to spend my day studying. But after breakfast, I first tried to make a couple more Skype calls to other dear friends. My attempts at conversation were unsuccessful, and an internal feeling was saying that today was not a day to make any additional attempts.

While I did get some studying done, and I also made some preliminary preparations for some artistic charts that I plan to make of the Tree of Life (during my silence), I continued to feel quite spiritually detached into the early afternoon.

At 2:00 p.m. I participated in a group Acupuncture experience that lasted till after 3:30 p.m. – but again I continued to feel separate and spiritually disconnected.

It was not until meditation tonight that I finally turned my spiritual connection back toward the light. The final half of this meditation involved oracle cards – cards that were based on the Hindu Bhagavad Gita. The one which I intuitively chose was called “Pure Devotee.”

As I meditated on the card, I memorized the short text of the sacred verse that was being quoted:

“The thoughts of my Pure Devotees dwell in me, their lives are surrendered to me, and they derive great satisfaction and joy, enlightening one another and speaking about me.”

As I internalized these words – words that were at first quite confusing – they soon began to sing to my heart and soul. These words so beautifully describe the journey on which I find myself. My entire goal is to be a “Pure Devotee” – to devote myself to my higher power, to my journey of self discovery and divine connection. With all of my heart, I try to focus my mind and thoughts onto my divine source. Yes, I have many times liker earlier today where I struggle to feel connected. But for all practical purposes, during the past couple of years, I have literally surrendered my life to my inner guidance – and there is no doubt that I thoroughly love to engage in spiritual interactions with others – interactions in which we speak about our divine paths and strive to inspire those around us with the light that we continue to discover inside.

Yes, as I left meditation this evening, I was back in the spiritual groove. I once again felt a peaceful familiar energy running though my soul as I walked through the medicinal garden and placed my hands on the bark of my favorite tree. As I sat down at my computer to write about these past two days, the writing (which has taken three hours) has literally energized my very being.

I love how the Universe works.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 7

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Friday, July 23 – 3:30 p.m.

This five day silence is turning out to be an experience where I take advantage of my permission to do the “Sun Course with an Attitude” – spiritual permission that was given to me by inspiration during the last day of my Moon Course as I struggled with not really wanting to participate in this three month retreat.

The meditation assignments for our five days of silence and fasting do not seem to connect deeply with my heart. I have tried to focus on my assigned meditations, but my heart wants to go deeper in other areas – deeper into exploring my energy, increasing my sensitivity to the energy that flows within me.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday (Thursday) morning I spent several hours perched on a straw mat atop a rock at the top of the hill just west of San Marcos. I began by immersing myself in our assigned meditations regarding one particular sphere of the tree of life, but found myself instead connecting with nature throughout much of the day.

A beautiful tiny five-petal violet flower with a drop of dew glistening in the center captured my fancy. Then there was the small cluster of seed pods arranged in incredible geometric shapes. Why do some of them only have four perfectly arranged slits while others have five, appearing like a perfect five-pointed star? Then there were the bees and the moths that were working busily around the flowers. One particular moth fascinated me with the way he instinctively danced from flower to flower while gracefully inserting a three-quarter inch tube running from his mouth down the center of the flower’s heart.

But I also had a few problems yesterday. While I was being silent around others, I was talking to myself quite frequently. I like to sing to myself and I often talk to spirit with an out loud voice, I like to do this when I am meditating in nature. For some reason, verbally speaking to Spirit helps me to focus. Several times later in the day, as I was around people, I accidentally spoke a word or two out loud. I was so accustomed to speaking to myself that my consciousness was not fully focused on the silence.

I also fudged a little on my diet. I loved the nourishment of my two juices and my one bland soup – but as evening rolled around I found myself cheating with a banana and a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter. I may or may not do the same this evening – but I will probably take my fast much more seriously beginning tomorrow.

Last night during meditation, and then later as I contemplated writing in my journal, I was a little bit off. I was disconnected and lacking spiritual focus. As I stared at my laptop with intentions to write, I first delayed by playing one game of Spider Solitaire. That one game turned into two, then four … and well, you might know how it goes. I finally turned off my computer at 10:00 p.m. having written absolutely nothing at all.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning, I awoke around 5:00 a.m. from a very interesting dream – a dream involving sprinklers watering a beautiful green lawn and a beautiful spotted jaguar (or possibly leopard) that was walking around drinking water from the sprinkler heads. In some strange way, I was watching the large beautiful cat from what felt like a space of protection – sort of like hiding under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. While I watched, I was listening to an out-loud documentary flowing into my head telling me why it was not a good idea to allow jaguars to drink from your sprinkler heads in your yard.

Instinctively, I reached out and disabled each sprinkler head as the beautiful cat began drinking. Each time the large cat moved on to another water sprinkler, I again magically shut it off. Soon the jaguar was right next to me. With my invisibility blanket still around me I reached out and began to playfully wrestle with the cat – at which point I woke up.

I have not yet made any attempts to interpret this interesting dream – but nevertheless, the dream fascinated me. I made a valiant attempt to re-immerse myself back into the dream, wondering if it might be possible to re-enter it with a state of lucidity that I have still been unsuccessful in achieving. By 6:30 a.m., after my unsuccessful attempt in re-entering the dream, I was in a deeply meditative state – a state in which I committed to myself that I would remain all through the day.

I realized that yesterday’s problem was that I was not fully focusing on what my heart wanted to do – I felt distracted by my assigned tasks. I made a deep personal commitment that today would be a day of living in the presence – doing what my heart wanted me to do rather than doing what someone else told me that I was “supposed” to do. I also committed that I would not speak out loud, even if just to myself or to Spirit.

After yoga and then my 9:00 a.m. juice, I isolated myself in my room with intentions to remain here for the remainder of the day – except of course for my remaining soup/juice and pyramid temple meditation schedules.

As I lay back on my bed with my obsidian sphere and a few other crystals, I focused on remembering my second experience with the Chocolate Shaman. I began to finely tune my sensitivity to the energies that I felt flowing through me. First recognizing them, then concentrating on them, and eventually relaxing into them. In an experience that amazed me, I began to feel intensely pleasurable energy that seemed to be gently exploring and opening my lower chakras. I’m sort of embarrassed to say this here, but the energy sensation was nearly orgasmic, much better than sex. I would highly recommend it.

During the second half of the morning, I found myself meditatively napping half way between two worlds – only stirring briefly for a couple of restroom breaks. I continued to feel the energy, but in a much milder way, and I felt as if I wanted to make an attempt at further dreaming – hopefully lucid.

I could go on, but there is not much more to say other than that my day has been incredibly relaxed and energizing, filled with presence and peace. Starting in about twenty minutes I head out for evening meditation, after which I plan to once again simply enjoy my spiritually intimate exploration of the energies within. I have no attachments to outcomes; I simply love the experience of seeing what energizing gifts come my way as I make myself open and available.

Saturday, July 24 – 6:45 p.m.

It has been a great day … yet I feel a little off … a little disconnected. This morning after yoga and juice I spent two hours in my favorite spot up on the hill to the west. I felt some great energy up there, but the energy slightly dissipated as I followed a prompting to study for the last hour. Perhaps I need to learn how to study without losing the energy.

I began studying the signs of the zodiac (astrology) and the planets as they all fit into the Tree of Life (Kabala). This afternoon, after soup, I did more studying, but this time I was out on the lawn near my private pyramid.

Our weather has been beautiful for the past couple of days – warm and sunny (or course the mostly rainy days that we have been having are beautiful too). I loved spending time this afternoon in the sun as I continued to study, study, and study.

While the studying is technically a no-no during meditative silence, I followed my promptings and did it anyway. What I learned today actually helped me connect with our meditation oracle cards tonight (after 4:00 p.m. juice). The oracle cards were indirectly related to the zodiac signs, and they tied right in with what I have been pushing into my brain.

Yes, it has been a great day, but today’s studying was not the most energizing of things to do, and it makes me wish I was deeper into energetic meditation. Yet I was following my promptings – promptings which told me to fill my head just a little fuller.

And then there is the mild hunger. In case you can’t tell from my above writing, my mind is subconsciously thinking about food. Two juices and one bland runny blended carrot soup just do not fill the tummy, and I do not want to repeat the sickness/weakness that happened after my Moon Course fasting … so tonight I cheated just a little (just like last night). I gobbled down a delicious (just one) peanut butter and honey sandwich on whole wheat bread – and I don’t feel the least bit guilty (but I do still feel hungry, which is good).

I have been having several weird dreams per night, but still nothing worth mentioning, and still no lucidity in those dreams. I simply trust that I will receive whatever I am ready for, exactly when the time is right.

As soon as I finish this rambling, I plan to spend my evening seeing if I can connect with a little more of that amazing energy … following which I plan to go to bed quite early. I seem to remember my dreams more when I am quite rested by the wee morning hours.

Monday, July 26 – 4:30 p.m.

Sunday was a beautiful meditative day. In the morning I spent three hours high up on the hill to the west of town, meditating on a straw mat with a beautiful view of the lake and distant volcanoes. During this meditation, I felt especially close to spirit – to nature, to the energy around me, to the spirit of the Tree of Life, to virtually everything on which I focused my mind

Also in this meditation, I finally connected to our assigned Tree-of-Life tasks for the retreat. But I did the meditations in my own way, experiencing them in a powerful emotional way without writing a single word in my notebook. I am quite happy with the results.

In the afternoon I returned to my room and meditated for another couple of hours, this time meditating on the microcosm of the Tree of Life – in other words, meditating on how the tree relates to our physical body and our own personal states of consciousness as well as referring to the macrocosm which is the Universe and its creation. For a while I felt a deep internal and electrically energizing connection to my meditations, but after a while I realized that I had done all I could handle in one day.

I am rapidly learning that Spirit likes to play treasure hunt with me. One day I can have a powerful and energizing connection with the divine. On the next day, as I repeat the exact same steps that brought me to spiritual bliss, those steps don’t seem to work at all. Instead, I have to go deep within and listen to new promptings, doing new things, in different ways. The process is quite challenging, yet quite fun.

Later in the afternoon, after reaching a point of meditation burnout, I again hit the studies quite hard, doing a lot of memorization around the twelve signs of the zodiac and the planets and how they relate symbolically and energetically into the Tree of Life. It sounds quite boring as I write about it, but yesterday as I read and studied I felt as if the whole set of associated symbols was beginning to come alive in amazing ways. I had no idea how the symbolic energy of the planets ties in so harmoniously to the symbolisms of the Kabala.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Sunday) at 6:00 p.m., I participated in another beautiful ceremony in the large pyramid temple. This ceremony was for the Full Moon – as well as being the graduation of the current Moon Course group. I am sad to see this Moon Course group move on, as I have grown quite attached to many of them.

At around 8:00 p.m., I joined a large group of friends in a celebratory break-the-fast dinner, ending my minimal-diet fast in style. But I did not make the same mistake that I made after my own Moon Course two months ago. At that time I had pigged out on pork ribs and ended up getting quite sick for about ten days. Sunday night I ate a very bland plate of rice with some steamed vegetables along with a delicious fruit smoothie.

*  *  *  *  *

It seemed quite strange this morning (Monday) as I intentionally skipped Yoga for the first time since beginning this retreat.

As you might recall, I had a severe bout with what I believe to be bed bugs during my first week of the Sun Course – a week in which we were in silence. At that time I had lovingly begged Irma in the front office to swap mattresses with one from a different empty room – which she reluctantly allowed me to do. I later figured out that the blood-thirsty bugs were in the old quilted blanket that I had been using at the time – not in the mattress itself.

But this discovery was too late. My original mattress itself had been a very comfortable one. The replacement mattress that I had received in the swap turned out to be extremely uncomfortable for sleeping. By the time I figured this out, someone else was already sleeping on my old comfortable mattress.

Over half of my new replacement mattress was very hard with firm ridges that pushed into my body at all the wrong places. The remainder was caved in and sagged excessively, providing very little support while slanting at a steep angle toward the edge of the bed.

I believe that much of the back pain that I have experienced – back pain regarding which I have continued to keep a positive attitude – was related to this mattress. Several times, I tried turning the mattress over, swapping ends, sleeping on this half or that half, sleeping at an angle, etc. Finally, I had found a position with a slight twist where my body did not totally ache – but my sleeping space was very restricted and still involved a steep slope, making comfortable sleeping quite challenging.

Anyway, this morning I had made private arrangements with a woman who was sleeping in the room with my original mattress. She and her roommate had finished the Moon Course and were moving out. During normal morning Yoga time, I made a quick swap (with my friend’s help) back to my original mattress. In doing so, I didn’t bother to get permission from the front office. I didn’t want to give them a chance to say no.

At 10:00 a.m. after finishing my first post-silence class, I came back to my room and fell in love with my former mattress. My new bed feels like heaven after what I have been sleeping on. I know that I could have survived on the other uncomfortable mattress – but I decided that since I will be here for two more months that it would be wonderful to have a comfortable, soft, and level place to lay my head (and my achy back).

Today felt quite strange as we resumed a normal schedule of eating and participating in classes. I tried to study for most of the day, but repeatedly found myself visiting with others – both with outgoing Moon Course graduates and with fellow Sun Course friends. Nevertheless, I did manage to squeeze in considerable study time as well.

Tonight is a free night – no meditation for the Sun Course, because the new Moon Course group is having their first introductory session with Chaty. It looks as if this new Moon Course is going to be a huge group. I have heard rumors that as many as 20 people will be here to participate. All I know for sure is that I have seen a great number of new faces walking around the grounds all throughout the afternoon.

I look forward to getting to know many of this new group, but will only have two and a half weeks to do so. It is hard to believe that my Sun Course will go into our final 40 days of silence starting around August 12 – a date that is rapidly approaching – a date that I eagerly anticipate.

But that is all in the future, and I am trying to live in the present – and I am hungry. It is time for my evening tradition: two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and a banana. Yum yum.

Wednesday, July 28 – 1:00 p.m.

Monday evening, as I went to bed, I was overcome with frustration regarding a recent return of Unidentified Biting Objects (UBOs). During the previous several nights I had been visited with numerous of these UBOs who had left a wide variety of rose-colored crop circles on my chest, back, and arms. I had just crawled under the covers on my new heavenly mattress replacement when I succumbed to the itching madness.

Don’t ask me why, but normally, I like to heat up my itchy bug bites either in a hot shower or using a hair dryer. For some reason, when I apply heat to an itch, I feel a pleasurable sensation as the itch momentarily intensifies and then seems to relax and calm. But Monday night I could not use my hair dryer. I had burned it out early in the day when I was using it to overheat the seams of my replacement mattress – just in case there might be any bed bugs or eggs hiding out in my incoming mattress. My hair dryer is now ready for the recycling bin, and I was too lazy to go for a hot (sometimes) shower.

As I lay in my bed, repeatedly trying to relax and breathe calmly, I invariably returned to itch-and-rub mode, furiously agitating the itching bites. I probably only had ten or fifteen of the little red bumps, but they itched more profoundly than most other bites I have previously encountered.

As I popped an antihistamine into my mouth (my first in a quite some time), I decided it was time to quit fighting this battle on the physical plane and to instead look for a spiritual answer. Since I have been having so much fun lately as I learn to use Tarot to gain insight, I opened up my little deck of cards to see what insights I might be able to gain into my ongoing bug-bite battles.

Rather than using a full spread of cards, I simply used my intuition to select three cards. The first card indicated a mental battle was coming to completion. The second and third cards were major arcana cards – the Justice card (signifying non-judgment) and the Temperance card (signifying learning to be in a state of complete inner peace no matter what is going on around me).

I smiled with peaceful amazement as I realized intuitively that the message for me was that in order to end my mental conflict with the bug bites I had to give up all sense of judgment regarding them as good or bad, and to instead learn to find absolute emotional peace in the midst of the experience.

In many ways, this message reminded me of the words of my Olmec Shaman friend that helped me last November in the jungles of Ek Balam (north of Valladolid in the Yucatan). He is the one who held me in his arms as I sobbed with fear after receiving a third-degree burn at the hands of another loving Zapotec healer. He is the same beautiful man who spoke those amazing words to me, saying “Brenda, there is a huge difference between pain and suffering.”

Yes, my bug bites were creating great pain (itching), but there was absolutely no reason for me to be suffering about them. Suffering was a choice – a choice which I could now choose to no longer make.

After my Tarot reading, as I went into meditation on the issue, I realized that I have suffered from emotional fears regarding spider bites for most of my life. My first major episode of such bites began when I was a young pre-teen, sleeping in the basement of our old home in Central Washington State. I had been the “victim” of a body covered in itching red mounds, and developed a deep and never-resolved fear of that experience repeating itself. It was also at that same time that I learned that heat applied to my bites helped to sooth my suffering.

My most recent two attacks of the itching red circles had been during my Mayan Village stay in Belize and during the first week of my Sun Course. In both cases I had begun to suffer extensively before centering myself in a temporary mental/spiritual solution. The thought of going through the experience for a third time in four months was unnerving.

As I meditatively pondered about these recurring past fears, and the idea of no longer “choosing” to suffer, I found a magical space inside of me – a space that seemed quite familiar once I finally opened the door and immersed myself into the soothing comfort to be found inside.

The space was one of deep peace and bliss. I laughed at myself as I once again returned to the idea that every one of my bites is a blessing – the gift of a free allergy shot so to say. With each little bite I was receiving a dose of allergic toxins which would help my body to build up immunity and/or tolerance to such toxins in the future. The concept was so easy for me to relate to, given the fact that only sixteen months ago I went through a three month course of expensive allergy shots (which I prematurely interrupted in order to begin my present travels).

To my utter amazement, I have not received one new bite in the last three nights. Yes, the present bites on my chest and underarms continue to itch quite vigorously – but I no longer give the itching any power over my firmly-rooted peace. At least for now, I have learned another lesson. I no longer judge these bites as bad, and I have developed a great deal of Temperance – giving me peace regardless as to what happens.

*  *  *  *  *

Earlier on Monday, I had engaged in a fascinating discussion with Leif – one of my fellow Sunnies. He is someone with extensive meditation experience in the past, and I am someone who has never, ever meditated in traditional ways (prior to my Moon Course).

I explained to Leif that I still did not feel as if I really knew how to meditate, and asked him if he could give me a few pointers of what to do and/or how to do it. During that conversation he greatly inspired me in several areas. One of those areas was to actually focus more heavily on simply watching my breath with absolutely no other motive. Whenever I have tried this in the past, it has seemed to be such an utter waste of time – time that I could be using to focus on spiritual issues and questions. The idea of simply sitting while attempting to have an empty mind just did not connect fully with me. Invariably, whenever I have tried this in the past, I have struggled.

After talking to Leif, I have begun to do a waking meditation wherever I go. For two days now, whenever I am not actively engaged in eating, studying, conversing, writing etc…, I am focusing on my breathing. I am still in my infancy with this, and have already noticed a great increase in my state of peace. I feel as if my energy vibrations are much more elevated and spiritually inclined than ever before.

Leif inspired me to try something which seems extremely daunting to me. As soon as we begin our 40 days of silence and meditation (in a little over two weeks), I am going to see if I can go for three days while simply focusing on my breath – with no active thought processes. I know this will be a journey of attempts and course corrections rather than a destination to achieve, but I am actually quite excited to try it – to see what might actually happen. In the meantime, I continue to focus on little steps that will prepare me for the bigger journey.

Leif also greatly inspired me in the area of overcoming my physical pain during cross-legged meditations. After about twenty minutes, my hips begin to ache and one foot begins to go to sleep. By around twenty five minutes the pain becomes so intense that I would break my position in an attempt to find physical peace. Now, I have found the determination to push through that pain from a state of Temperance and detachment, observing the physical sensations without allowing myself to suffer as a result of them. Several times in the past two days, I have managed to make it for the entire 30 minutes without flinching or moving. I know that the more I develop this mind-over-physical skill, the more my peace will continue to grow.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, in our 8:30 a.m. class, I participated in another practice Tarot reading with Sandra. This time it was her turn to do a reading on me, and our assigned practice spread (layout) of cards was one based on the Kabalistic Tree of Life.

For the most part, I was amazed and deeply encouraged by the clarity of the reading – a reading which was a general reading about my current progress in my growth process through the Sun Course. But one of the cards was slightly confusing, and I in turn drew three additional cards to seek clarification on the meaning.

Sandra’s interpretation of the cards was not fully resonating with me, but neither was my own … and I needed to dig deep inside to finally figure out what the cards were telling me. One of the cards was implying that I am dealing with deep emotional struggle, yet the other two cards implied successful release of all judgment and great emotional clarity. Finally, through listening to my intuition, the real issue soon came to the surface. The actual interpretation was remarkably similar to what Sandra was originally trying to say.

My relationship with my children is still a great source of guilt and confusion on my part. I continue to be deeply affected by ideas and beliefs that were implanted in my head as a child – ideas that a good parent maintains a close relationship with their children, being there for emotional support, being an integral part of the lives of the grandchildren, maintaining frequent contact, etc … and the list of guilt-based beliefs goes on.

I know with all of my heart that these beliefs – beliefs that are based on traditional societal roles – are still nothing more than beliefs – shoulds and musts that subconsciously spur a great deal of guilt in my internal psyche.

If I look back on my own adult years, I was very independent from my parents, and never felt a need for them to fill such a role for me (in fact I put a wall up preventing them from being able to fill such a role). Yet I apparently still believe on some subconscious level that I should feel guilty for living my own separate life and not fulfilling such a nurturing role for my children – even though all six are grown up and very happily married, leading productive, independent, and exemplary lives.

On the other hand, my internal promptings are extremely clear that I am being guided on a very different path – a path that does not involve the sort of frequent family involvement that my “internal belief systems” tell me I should have. My intuition tells me that my future paths will be very much non-traditional as far as the belief systems of my youth.

One emotional memory that came up in my Tarot reading is the fact that whenever anyone begins to ask me pointed deep questions about my relationship with my children (including such a conversation less than two weeks ago), I tend to sink into a place of sadness and near depression – mainly because I know that my prompted path does not line up with my internal guilt-ridden belief systems.

I feel a profound and beautiful love for my children, and I feel that same love coming back at me from them. There is not doubt in my heart that their love for me is as profound as is mine for them. But at the same time there is deep awkwardness in our communication – given the fact that there is such a gulf in our religious, spiritual, and physical paths.

Just last Saturday I received a short, but beautiful and loving email from my former spouse – a letter actually thanking me for my financial support through all these years, and wishing me success in finding the joy and happiness that I am seeking. I was filled with deep gratitude on reading those words, realizing that the Universe had blessed us both with a loving perspective about what is taking place between us. For the first time in many years, I felt deep peace and closure regarding the paralyzing issues that have haunted me – issues which I faced head on with loving balance just a couple weeks ago.

But as I discussed my feelings with Sandra in my Tarot reading, my intuitions became intensely clear with the fact that the next emotional hurdle through which I need to pass is facing the emotional sadness that I feel regarding my relationship with my children. The clarification cards that I drew clearly implied that I need to stop judging myself regarding my confusing emotions, and that I am on my way toward receiving great emotional clarity and closure in this issue. I am excited to see how I might continue with this emotional processing. I fully intended to begin meditating on it yesterday, but my day was so amazingly full after leaving class that I never had a spare minute to do so.

*  *  *  *  *

After a quick breakfast, I checked my emails and found a lovely note from my dear friend Conny from Germany – a spiritual-based friendship that I developed while recovering from my burns in Valladolid last December. I was thrilled to learn that she has followed the longings of her heart, quitting her job in Germany, moving to Valladolid, and beginning her own internal journey of learning to trust and to follow her heart.

As I finished reading her email, I felt a prompting to make a few Skype phone calls – and my internet connection seemed to be quite stable and high-speed – something which has been very rare as of late. I tried to call my friend Michelle and another friend back home – but Skype simply refused to ring the phone on the other end even though my internet connection was perfect.

As I was aborting my second attempted at calling Michelle, I noticed that at that exact moment, my friend Conny came online in Skype. My promptings told me to try calling her to see if it would connect, and five seconds later we were having a delightful video chat. It was so amazing to reconnect after these past seven months in which we have only had a few very brief email exchanges.

As soon as I finished my call with Conny, I again tried Michelle, and to my delight the call went through flawlessly. For nearly two and a half hours we engaged in deep spiritual discussions filled with incredible growth, inspiration, insights, and intuitive connection. Many times I was brought to tears by the deep spiritual insights that Michelle shared with me, and she commented about the deep energy that she felt flowing through her as we talked. Michelle and I have adopted each other as sisters. We are exactly three days apart in age, and we seem to have a deep past-life soul connection that continues to deepen with each communication.

The only time our internet connection phased out is when our discussion started to go to non-spiritual topics near the very end. We literally were unable to hear each other for about 30 seconds. As soon as the connection came back, we both realized that we were not supposed to have that other side-conversation. For fifteen more minutes we continued our amazing spiritual interchange before we both knew that it was time to hang up and move forward with our day.

Amazingly, not more than a minute after our call ended, my internet connection returned to flaky mode, and has been flaky ever since. There is no doubt in my mind that our quality connection was preserved for us so that we could engage in a deeply connecting conversation that was absolutely meant to happen. As I shutdown my computer and prepared to run off to lunch, I was floating in the clouds as a result of the high energy vibrations running through my soul.

But my amazing day was not over. I continued to focus on my breath as I walked to lunch at one of my favorite eating spots. As soon as I entered the restaurant, I bumped into Jody and Scott, two of my dear friends from the last Moon Course. To make a long story short, I ended up having a two hour conversation with Scott in which I once again shared my life story and exchanged stories with him regarding our spiritual journeys.

After meditation, I was on fire with energy and anxious to begin writing about my day, but as fate would have it, many of my Sun group decided to go out for a movie (video) night at a local restaurant – and my promptings told me to embrace the chance to further bond and socialize.

*  *  *  *  *

Today, Wednesday afternoon, I finally found the time to catch up on my writing. I continue to watch my breath during all of my idle time, and am feeling an amazing presence of peace and calm resonating with me wherever I go. That state of presence seems to constantly invite more and more spiritual and social connection.

Everything seems magical right now. This afternoon, as I took a break from writing, I again returned to my favorite lunch spot. The owner (an American blues-musician and former cabinet maker named Carlos) and I have been briefly chatting off and on over the past few weeks. Today, out of the blue, as I walked into the restaurant, we somehow got onto the topic of Spirituality, and he asked me if I had read a few of his favorite spiritual books. To make a long story short, we ended up engaging in a delightful hour-long discussion on various spiritual topics.

It seems like the more I raise my vibrations, the more my life seems to respond with magical radiance.

All I can say is “Bring it on…”

Thursday, July 29 – 8:00 p.m.

Last night, a woman from the former Sun Course – a woman who is now one of our yoga teachers – invited all of her old Sun Course who just finished in June (at least the ones who are still here) to come over for a potluck dinner. As a side note, she decided to also invite our current sun course to join the social outing.

What a delightful evening it was. Early on, Sandra and I got started talking to each other, sharing spiritual stories, recent experiences, and spiritual insights with each other. Our high-energy conversation went on for what must have been two hours, deeply energizing both of us. I have said this before, but I will say it again. I am so thrilled to have my continuously developing friendship with Sandra. At the mere age of 23, she is an incredible, wise, ancient spirit. She is definitely my teacher – but I would like to think that we are inspiring each other.

As I retired last night, I felt as if my batteries had been fully charged, and extra electricity was overflowing and spilling out everywhere. I was spiritually on fire – so on fire, in fact, that I had a hard time relaxing enough to drift off to sleep.

*  *  *  *  *

I have been feeling slightly under-the-weather all day today, and as a result my energy vibrations have been somewhat off-kilter. I have slight intestinal cramps and embarrassingly horrid smelling gas – but I have managed to mostly hide that fact from others (until now that is LOL).

The day has been mostly good, but my ability to concentrate and focus has been taxed. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this morning’s Tarot practicing, and I am loving the process of immersing myself in a book called “The Kybalyon”, based on the ancient teachings of Hermes Trismegistus. I read this book quickly one time during my Moon Course and was very pleased by how much in line the teachings dove-tailed with my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs. As I read today, I picked up a great deal more insight and look forward to continuing tomorrow. I am anxious to do some deep meditations on some of the concepts that are jumping out at me.

Tonight, after a slow and lazy afternoon, I stopped by the home of the local doctor (the only doctor in town) to ask about getting tested for parasites. Tomorrow evening I will get the results. I have felt for over two weeks that I am again coming down with another infestation of the persistent little intestinal creatures. Things like Giardia, Amoebas, and other similar parasites are extremely common here in San Marcos, especially with the foreigners. Most of the locals have built up long-term tolerance of the little organisms that infest the water supplies here. Even though I only drink bottled water etc…, it is very easy to pick up the bugs when eating in places where dishes that have been washed in tap water are not thoroughly dried before they are reused.

Tonight I plan on crawling under the covers of my bed quite early. I am eager to have a new and energizing start tomorrow.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Tuesday, July 20 – 7:00 p.m.

Sunday morning I woke up with a strong message running through my head. I had no memory of any dream-type experience that may or may not have placed the words in my mind, and the words were something I already knew – but I took the message quite seriously just the same. As I came into conscious awareness, I found myself repeating the concept over and over, trying to remind myself to not forget. While I do not remember the exact words, the concept was very clear.

“It is not what I do or accomplish that matters. What matters is the state of consciousness that I maintain as I do the work – the state of connectedness and the higher vibrations that I feel in each moment of the journey.”

To me, these words were a very powerful reminder to focus on being present – to focus on how I feel as I engage in every moment of my daily activities – that raising my level of vibration is far more important than anything else that I can possibly do.

I had an incredible opportunity yesterday afternoon to practice this message, resulting in an experience that I hope to never forget.

*  *  *  *  *

One day during my Moon Course in mid-May, I was eating lunch with Steven at Ganesh – a small restaurant here in San Marcos that is quite popular with many of the foreigners – especially the younger crowd. As I enjoyed my meal, I noticed a very interesting ceremony going on at a small table over in the back corner. Several smiling young women were sitting around the table, holding glasses of what looked like hot chocolate as a fifty-something grey-haired man talked to them about their experience.

My friend Sam (Samantha) was sitting briefly with the group, drinking a little of the chocolate herself – but she did not stay long. Minutes later, she stood up and came over to the table where Steven and I were sitting, engaging in a brief chat before heading back to her home just five minutes up the hill.

Over that few minutes of brief conversation with Sam, I learned that the interesting grey-haired man was lovingly referred to as the “Chocolate Shaman”. He had only recently returned to San Marcos, after some extended travels. Sam explained that he has people drink “Cacao” and then talks to them for several hours, guiding them through an inner journey. Sam told us that it can be quite the amazing experience.

For the remainder of my lunch conversation with Steven, I continued to occasionally glance over at the unusual event going on over in the corner of the restaurant. I felt a certain amount of judgment at the silliness that I seemed to be observing. While I have to admit that I felt a slight curiosity about what was going on, I certainly had no desire whatsoever to pay the $25 (US) fee to have a similar encounter. As is often the case in my past journeys, my mind was quite closed and resistant to an experience regarding which I actually knew next to nothing.

Imagine my surprise this past Saturday when Eric, a former Sun Course graduate who is visiting San Marcos for about a month approached me and asked “Hey Brenda, I have arranged for the Sun Course to have a session tomorrow at noon with the Chocolate Shaman – do you want to participate?”

Eric told me that he had participated in the experience during his own Sun Course, and that it had helped him to access and open up new levels of consciousness.

Totally trusting Eric’s advice, and feeling a desire to engage in a fun bonding experience with my fellow “Sunnies”, I replied in the affirmative, having no clue at the time as to the incredible energizing experience in which I was about to engage.

Sunday, right at mid-day, six of us from our group of eight (two were feeling sick and opted to not participate) gathered in preparation for our as-yet-unknown experience. Ten minutes later, we were seated on Yoga mats in an open-air second-floor studio, just 75 yards from Lake Atitlan. I cannot imagine a more beautiful setting for the adventure on which we were embarking together.

The Chocolate Shaman (his name is Keith) began by telling us a little bit about himself. A few years ago I would have believed his story to be utter nonsense. Now I believe every word. Beginning in the mid 1980’s he was trained for six years by a group of beings who channeled their messages into a meditation group in which Keith participated. Fifteen years after completing this training Keith was guided here to San Marcos at Lake Atitlan, where his spiritual guides taught him how to use raw minimally-processed Cacao in spiritual ceremonies.

Participants in the process drink about two ounces of raw cacao dissolved in about eight ounces of water. Without adding sugar, the chocolate is actually quite bitter tasting. Interestingly, within about ten to twenty minutes after drinking the mixture, the chocolate helps to facilitate a very strong sensation of spiritual connectedness. Keith jokingly refers to his Guatemalan-made chocolate as “Love-grade” chocolate, explaining that it helps to open the heart. He told us that the processing done by literally all of the large chocolate companies around the world removes the vast majority of the substances in the chocolate that bring this sense of heart-space well-being.

But it is not the chocolate that made Keith’s ceremony special. Yes, I did feel a very mild buzz of spiritual energy, but it was Keith himself that brought the real healing to our group. About twenty minutes after drinking our chocolate he began guiding us in meditations. The first one involved simply smiling.

Minutes after we lost ourselves in our peaceful smiles, Keith began making rounds, one-by-one seating himself right in front of each of us, talking to us, bringing a great deal of clarity and understanding to what people were feeling. It seemed that he had a powerful connection to our internal energy states. Amazingly, when someone experienced an internal shift in consciousness of some type, he could immediately feel it and comment on it, even before the person said something out loud.

With me, he recognized a deep peaceful state, congratulated me on my self-love. Then, without telling me what or why, he asked his friend Barbara to do some energy work on me. As Barbara did some type of Reiki-like energy manipulations, I could feel big shifts happening in my consciousness.

These shifts happened as I continued listening to the many things that Keith was telling to others. Most of his words resonated extremely powerfully with me. Perhaps the most meaningful was something that Keith said to one of the women in our group while Barbara was still working on me. He told her that she does not need to continue living in and among the dense energies. He told her that she has the mistaken impression that she needs to stay down in the “muck” in order to work through her issues before she will give herself permission to rise to the higher vibrations.

“The door is open right here, right now.” He told her. “You don’t need to live here in this heavy energy. You can walk out of that door any time that you choose. You don’t need to clean out all of the closets and corners in your old dwelling first. It is much easier to clean out your energy when you move to a new home filled with loving higher vibrations.”

As I listened to these words, I felt a huge shift take place in my mind. I realized that over the last few days I had begun to live in the mucky dense emotions, decorating my surroundings with the imagined painful anxiety and feelings that my ex-spouse and possibly my children might now be feeling regarding my recent prompted actions.

Somehow, in the process of trying to be “Loving” I had convinced myself that to be considered to be a good caring parent that I needed to feel bad – to internalize this sadness and worry. I had to carry the burden and feel a little guilty. It was almost as if I was telling myself that if I don’t hurt about what I have done then I am not being loving.

As Barbara continued to do energy work on my back I internalized Keith’s wisdom-filled words, I suddenly felt myself moving to a higher-vibration abode. I realized how incredibly silly it was for me to be living in that depressing dense energy. My soul suddenly felt amazing freedom as I left the negative energy behind, imagining myself walking out of the mental prison cell, and setting up my presence in a place of freedom. In my new energetic abode, the love for my family was stronger than ever, and it was love without the guilt, without the sense of “I need to suffer”. I was free. I was happy. I was flying with inner joy.

Interestingly enough, as I was talking to Barbara four hours later, thanking her for the amazing work that she did on me, she told me that as she moved the energy around, she felt as if energetic wings suddenly formed on my back and spread out with stability and confidence.

Another of Keith’s messages that resonated quite deeply with me was one that he delivered to one of the guys in our group. He told him that it was time to stop taking his spiritual path so seriously, to stop trying so hard. Again, as I listened to Keith’s continued wise words about enjoying our journey, I felt as if the words were my own intuition, speaking ever-so-clearly to me. I have felt for a long time that I need to smile much more in my journey – it is so easy to get caught up in the trap of being “seriously spiritual.”

Throughout the 4.5 hours of our amazing ceremony, my heart and soul seemed to vibrate with clarity and energetic power. Keith guided us in several other meditations – love meditations, truth meditations, meditations with our third-eye, meditations with our future self, and others. Every one of them connected powerfully with my energy, and throughout the all-too-short time, Keith continued to blow me away with the way he seemed to know what was going on inside someone’s private energy – the amazing way that he counseled others and zeroed right in on their issues.

After the first 45 minutes, I was just glowing with energy, in many ways feeling more emotional and spiritual clarity than I have felt in my entire life. The six of us from the Sun Course shared an incredibly bonding journey together – a journey that ended in yet another bonding experience – a delightful dinner and follow-up conversation at the local Japanese restaurant.

As I retired on Sunday evening, my heart was full with resonating joy.

*  *  *  *  *

Lately I have been struggling to find time to write in my journal. It seems that social activities have become the norm, and my afternoons and evenings have been filling up with wonderful, but time-consuming, events.

I have done very little intensive studying over the past several days. On Monday I squeezed a few short study sessions in between two long practice Tarot readings that I facilitated. Both were delightful and just as helpful for me as they were for the people whose cards I read. The first was a long reading in the afternoon for my friend Christina from the Blue Lily. The other was after evening meditation for my Moon Course friend Shannon. We had so much fun talking in that final reading that we did not end till nearly 10:00 p.m..

But speaking of that Monday evening meditation, another very special thing happened. It so happened that we had a very small group in attendance. All but two of the present Moon Course had decided to participate in a Monday afternoon session with the Chocolate Shaman. With a group of only ten of us in meditation, Chaty felt inspired to do something much more personal. After our thirty minutes of silent meditation, Chaty came around to each of our individual meditation mats and channeled a message for us regarding a wooden magical emblem that we needed to make or to have made – one that we would energize, and which would help us to fulfill our spiritual missions.

I was filled with interest as she channeled instructions to the others in the room, most of them involving round wooden discs with embedded symbols, six pointed stars, lotus flowers, Hebrew letters, and the like. When she came to my position and channeled my magical emblem, she told me that I was to build a small three sided pyramid out of three different kinds of woods. There were no circles, no embedded symbols – nothing complex like the others – just a small pyramid with three sides, three woods, and no bottom.

I was blown away as I immediately recognized the synchronous significance of my symbol. I have a consortium of three guides, the chief one of which is Pythagoras. How appropriate for me to have three triangles – three woods – forming a small simple three-sided pyramid. There was no doubt in my mind that this whole situation was set up by the Universe to once again add more powerful confirmation to the guidance that I continue to receive, on a sporadic but powerful-when-it-happens basis.

*  *  *  *  *

As I retired late last night (Monday), I was very tired, but felt inspired to get out and do a little “Reiki energy clearing” on a few of my crystals in preparation for bed. As I mulled over the decision of “which ones”, I felt deeply drawn to a small four-inch-diameter black obsidian sphere. There is a little history to this crystal – a crystal regarding which I have never spoken publicly.

The week before I began my Journey in June of 2009, I participated in a channeling session with my friend Trish back home in Salt Lake. After the session I asked her about a small obsidian sphere that she had in her meditation room. I have since learned that many people who engage in channeling have a similar black obsidian sphere (including Rafael’s teacher, Maestro Hercules, back in Cancun).

To make a long story very short, I felt deeply drawn to purchase my own obsidian globe and to bring it with me on my travels. Last November, as I packed my bags in Cozumel in preparation to begin backpacking around the Yucatan, I made the difficult decision to leave my beautiful obsidian crystal behind; I had never really connected with it, and it was simply too big and too heavy to carry around with me. To this day that crystal sits in a suitcase in Cozumel.

As I finished my Moon Course and prepared to enter the Sun Course, I felt a deep longing to reconnect with my obsidian sphere – I felt a strong inner pull telling me that I needed to have my obsidian sphere during the Sun Course. I actually thought about going all the way back to Cozumel during my short ten days of free time, but felt guided instead to travel to San Cristobal de Las Casas (in Chiapas, Mexico), resting and taking several tourist day trips. On one of those long day trips – the one where I spent the entire day traveling to and from the Mayan ruins of Palenque, our tour group made an hour-long stop at a place with beautiful cascading waterfalls – a place called Agua Azul.

As I walked around Agua Azul, I felt a strong hunch that I needed to look for a new obsidian sphere. As I walked past row after row of local vendors and artisans, I stumbled upon a small booth selling a few crystals, including a beautiful four-inch diameter obsidian sphere – the only one I have seen anywhere in my travels since leaving Teotihuacan near Mexico City last October. Needless to say, I followed my deep promptings, bought the obsidian sphere, and brought it back to Guatemala with me.

Last night, as I finished clearing the energy on my crystals, I followed a hunch and took my obsidian sphere to bed with me. I immediately felt a powerful flow of energy streaming from the crystal through my left hand and arm, and then out my body. I enjoyed meditating with that flowing energy until I finally fell asleep. I cannot say that I had any channeling or clarity type of experience, but the flowing energy was amazing.

This morning (Tuesday) as I awoke to use the restroom during the wee morning hours, I noticed that the energy was still flowing through my body. When I got up around 5:30 a.m. the energy continued – just like the energizer bunny. By 5:45 a.m., I sat up in bed, engaged in upright meditation, and enjoyed another hour of deep energetic peace and inspiring spiritual feelings – all the while the energy continued to flow. If it had not been for yoga, I probably would have continued my meditation for even longer.

*  *  *  *  *

It is difficult to believe, but today (Tuesday) officially ended the first month of our three-month Sun Course retreat. This evening during 5:00 meditation, my Sun Course group began our second five days of silence. The current Moon Course will be graduating during a full moon ceremony on Sunday evening. I cannot believe how fast everything is moving. I continue to love the process of cramming my head with information, but am greatly looking forward to these next five days of going inside, focusing more on the meditation side of things.

I was quite surprised to learn this morning that the Sun Course is expected to fast during the Moon Course silence. I was thinking that I would slightly cut back on my eating – but after class I headed over to the reception office and signed up to purchase two daily juices and one bland runny soup.

My resistance is gone and I am “all in”. As I prepare for bed on this, my first evening of silence, I am excited to see where this quiet, reflective, minimal-diet time takes me. I have many memories of powerful meditations that took place during my Moon course fasting, and am curious to see if any such experiences come knocking on my door again.

Wednesday, July 21 – 6:30 p.m.

Wow, where do I begin?

When I had my “Chocolate Shaman” experience on Sunday, I was peaked with deep interest as I heard Keith mention to the group that he does private consultations. Something in my heart jumped up and down very excitedly when I contemplated the idea of yet another possible session with Keith.

“If I can go this deep in one session,” I thought to myself, “I wonder how deep I could go in yet another, especially if it is focused fully on my own experience.”

I had absolutely no idea of what I would hope to accomplish in such a session, but my spirit was definitely urging me blindly forward, telling me to “just do it already”.

Monday, as Keith was preparing to perform his magic with the Moon Course, I pulled him aside and asked about his private sessions. He gave me directions to find his home, and told me to just stop by – that I would not need an appointment.

This morning, on the first full day of our current five days of silence, I waffled in and out of the question “Do I go see Keith today, or do I wait till later in the week … or possibly wait until our silence is over?” There was no doubt in my heart that visiting with Keith would be an appropriate reason to temporarily break silence.

Shortly after 9:00 a.m., after paying very close attention to my feelings, I found myself beginning the fifteen minute walk towards Keith’s home. Something inside made it quite clear that today was the day. I walked the entire distance with presence, being more in tune with the moment than I have been in quite some time.

As Keith came to his door, he asked if I could come back in the afternoon, telling me that 2:30 p.m. would be a great time for him. I was thrilled to have an appointment, and quite unattached to the fact that I would most likely miss evening meditation and an already-paid-for fruit smoothie. My heart told me that all was perfect.

As Keith and I began talking on his porch at 2:30 p.m., I indicated that I had absolutely no idea why I was there – telling him only that I felt a strong internal prompting that I needed to return and to go deeper into my meditative journey. As I looked around, I was quite surprised by the absence of chocolate. Keith started the session without pouring a single drop of the brown heart liquid.

Before I knew what was happening, Keith asked me to close my eyes – and we had begun my journey. Keith asked if I could feel the energy in my body. I answered honestly, indicating that I really couldn’t feel much, just a tiny bit of tingling in my spine.

“Just follow the energy” he told me. “See where it goes.”

It took several minutes but I finally started to reach a meditative state where I felt a heavy denser energy in the back of my head.

“Ah-hah” Keith told me at almost the very instant that I recognized the energy in my head. I had not said a word out loud to tip him off. This was only the beginning of a two and a half hour journey where Keith seemed to know exactly what I was silently experiencing, even before I was fully aware of it myself.

Keith explained to me that there was an energy – a part of my higher self – that was grouping in front of my heart, wanting permission to join with me. As I deepened in meditation, I could begin to feel the energy – but only barely.

Throughout our session, Keith would occasionally speak, giving me a play-by-play announcement of pretty much everything I was feeling and experiencing. Sometimes he would tell me what was about to be happening, but mostly he just interpreted my internal sensations for me in a way that gave me incredible clarity and insights. Without his guidance, I would have dismissed 99% of what I was feeling as being mere imagination and utter silliness. My huge clarity and growth came from the fact that Keith was feeling my inner journey and interpreting it for me. Much of what he told me helped to deeply fine-tune my energy sensitivities.

Early on, Keith pointed out that I was facing fears and a feeling of conflict between mind and heart. He told me that the energy would not merge without my blessing and permission – telling me that spiritual energies will not do anything to me unless I invite them. I experienced a feeling of hesitance and resistance – wondering just what this energy might really be – just what it might bring with it if I were to invite it in. Keith’s intuitive description of what I was experiencing was uncanny.

As I debated with my resistance, my heart took me to memories of my March 23^rd dream and the messages of “Forget everything you know” and “Lower your defenses”. I pictured my resistance as a scared puppy hiding under a sofa, and I gradually began to talk myself through my fears, reminding myself that I was deeply prompted to come for a visit with Keith – that every time I have lowered my defenses I have been thrilled with the results.

Finally I felt my resistance melt, being replaced instead by a loving feeling of deep peace. Right on cue, Keith pointed out to me that my resistance was now gone and that I was allowing the energy to begin merging with my soul.

I could not possibly detail the whole experience here in my journal, but suffice it to say that the inner journey was amazing. Keith explained that the energy was doing things to me that my head would not be able to understand, and that I simply needed to trust and allow. I continued to go deeper into meditation, frequently reminding myself to “Forget everything I know” and to “Lower my defenses.”

As Keith explained that the energy was helping me to remove denser energies that no longer served me in order to make room for newer higher-vibration energies, I could feel denser energies symbolically come up into my awareness and then drain away from my consciousness through what felt like the left side of my jaw. Keith explained that many past parts of my self – parts of my discarded or suppressed personality from my younger years – wanted to rejoin with me, to reintegrate with me. Among other things, Keith told me that these were parts of me that were spontaneous and joyful. My mind flashed to memories of how I had buried those creative and spontaneous parts of my personality beginning at around age eleven or twelve.

Later in the process, Keith explained that I would now be experiencing denser energies from my own past/parallel lives – that I was in a place where I was capable of allowing that unwanted energy to pass through me on its way out – that the energy would pass through me but it would not remain with me. He explained that by doing this, I would be helping my own self in many dimensions. For what must have been thirty minutes or more, I smiled inside as I visualized all kinds of this dense energy coming into my awareness, and passing through my head. In this deep meditative state, I had great fun in my imagination as I found creative ways to dispose of the just-passing-through energy. My favorite was to drop it out of an open door in the bottom of an airplane, feeling it explode on its way to the distant ground below.

As with the rest of the session, Keith frequently jumped in with a commentary about what I was feeling – and he was always right on, often telling me things which I had not even quite recognized as of yet.

Toward the end of the session, Keith explained that what I was experiencing during our session was just the beginning of my new growth. He told me that, with my permission, my Higher Self will be making many more changes and doing a considerable amount of processing within me over the next ten days to two weeks. He indicated that much of this growth would occur in my sleep, but other shifting would take place during my meditations and other waking experiences.

I wish I could remember everything. Suffice it to say that the experience was extremely powerful for me. I was deep in a very high vibration state of meditation, and it was all done without the aid of any heart-altering chocolate, none whatsoever.

As I walked home this evening, having missed the beginning of even meditation at the pyramid temple by about thirty minutes, I felt as if I were floating on a cloud.

Did I say yet that I am loving my experiences at Las Piramides Del Ka?

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 5

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Monday, July 12 – 11:15 a.m.

Yesterday was both a difficult and a wonderful day. I awoke quite early and did a final edit through my very awkward (but loving) email to my former spouse. Knowing deeply in my heart that I was doing exactly what spirit was guiding me to do, I finally positioned my mouse cursor over the send button, bit my lip, held my breath, and pressed the send button.

My head continued to ask “What the heck are you doing?”  My heart peacefully reminded me that I was honoring spiritual guidance to do a very difficult and unpleasant thing – a task that my Pisces, conflict-avoiding nature simply did not want to do. But I remained true to my promptings, maintaining internal integrity with my inner guides. The feeling was quite bittersweet – knowing that my action may be seen as hurting someone that I still love, while at the same time recognizing that the action will create the opportunity for great growth and freedom on both sides.

For a while, I simply sat in a swamp of mixed emotions, letting the feelings settle while I aimlessly played solitaire on my computer. About an hour later, I finally left my cocoon, did a small Tarot reading on myself to ask for guidance, re-centered myself, and walked out of my front door on my way to get some breakfast.

Almost immediately, Narkis, one of our Sun Course group (from Israel), saw me and invited me to go to breakfast with her and Katie (another fellow Sun Course student). Narkis had been asking me random questions for a few days, and I kept putting off the answers, telling her I would answer later. At breakfast, the perfect opportunity arose when Narkis again began to ask questions about my current emotional journey.

“I will have to share my life story with you before I can answer that.” I told her and Katie. “Do you want me to do that?”

The next hour was filled with me talking and them eating French toast while mine got cold. I realized yesterday that I have literally reached a point in my life where I have absolutely no fear about sharing my once-shameful story – zero fear about what people might think of me.

The conversation was beautiful and inspiring. Narkis gave me considerable insight into several of my dreams – perhaps the most profound was her suggestion that the young boy sitting by me in the boat in the middle of the Caribbean – the same young boy who told me that we were in Astral – was myself as a child – and that the woman I was later talking to – the one who told me to “Forget everything you know … and to Lower your defenses” – could be myself in the future. A strong feeling told me that I need to meditate on those thoughts – something I have not yet done.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday, July 11, 2010, was the 19^th birthday of Las Piramides del Ka. On July 11, 1991, in the midst of a full solar eclipse over Lake Atitlan, Chaty first dedicated the pyramid center for spiritual work. Interestingly, yesterday was also a full solar eclipse – not here in Guatemala, but in Chile.

In honor of the birthday, we spent our afternoon in silence, and then had a special birthday celebration in the temple last night at 7:00 p.m.. Thirty-eight of us were in the temple, all dressed in white, for a beautiful spiritual ceremony – an experience that I will never forget. Twenty-one of us were the current Moon and Sun courses, the rest were Chaty and former Sun Course graduates who were in the area. Afterwards we enjoyed a large potluck dinner. When I excused myself to return to my room at 9:45 p.m., most people were still partying in the common area.

I fully intended to go to bed, but found myself rereading my now-sent email letter, still rebalancing my emotions, making sure that my heart was filled with love. I finally went to bed shortly after midnight, feeling deep peace in my heart – realizing that my spiritual trust and integrity was carrying me into the next phase of my life – a phase that I could not have entered while still carrying old emotional issues around in my soul.

In the middle of the early morning I was awakened by a strong need to run to the restroom. I glanced at my clock which read 3:30 a.m.. As I continued to rest under the covers, with my knees both bent and my feet close to my hips, I felt the sensation of something moving the lower cuffs of my pajama bottoms, brushing them against my shin.

“That was strange!” I told myself, wondering if I was still dreaming. I checked my legs to make sure there was nothing in the bed with me, replaced my covers and resumed my position. Again I felt the same sensation of my pajama bottoms being moved under the covers, rubbing against my leg for the second time. This time I knew that I was not dreaming, and I again checked under the covers to look for a cause. As I began to replace my sheet over my legs, I again felt my pajamas move between my shins, and this time I actually witnessed the tail end of the movement.

Immediately a wave of spiritual recognition rushed through my soul while a strong tingling energy vibrated throughout my body. I remembered the two previous early-morning times when I had felt three distinct pushes on the foot of my bed – as if someone were sitting on either side of my feet and then standing up again. The second time that happened was in April, 2009, when I had my dream about the bicycles, string, and bees – the same powerful and vivid dream that continues to guide me on today’s journey.

I immediately sensed in my heart that those three movements to my pajamas were another clever signal from my three guides. A sense of knowing told me that my guides had been waiting for me to resolve past emotional issues before taking me forward to new growth experiences.

Immediately I felt a strong need and desire to relax into deep meditation – to open myself to listen to whatever message might be coming my way. The first message that actually came was “Get up and go to the bathroom now … we will wait.” I just giggled as I ran to the bathroom and hurried back to my room.

When I returned, I reclined in a fully relaxed position on my bed, and was soon enjoying what felt like a mild whirlpool of energy gently pulsing through my body. I grabbed a quartz crystal and placed it on my third-eye, feeling like I needed to make myself available for an Astral travel attempt – being completely unattached to what might actually happen – but hoping for an out-of-body experience.

What did happen was a very long period of lying completely still, relaxed, intensely conscious, and focused in concentrated, alert meditation. The energy continued to flow through my body in an energizing, dancing sort of way, teasing me, with small surges and then slowing down. I continued to focus with my entire consciousness, determined to be awake and present in the moment.

I never again checked my clock, but I am guessing that I fell asleep sometime between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m. – but I still did not move. When I came back to awareness at 6:30 a.m., I was still completely relaxed, flat on my back, with the quartz crystal still standing upright on my forehead.

I have no idea what the purpose of this morning’s meditation experience might have been – but I do know that the energy was amazing, and I am excited to see what happens next.

*  *  *  *  *

On another note, in case you can’t tell, I am quite blown away by how the Tarot cards seem to be speaking to me. We have now learned the basics of interpreting all of the cards – both in their relation to the Kabala Tree of Life, and also to their use in spiritual readings. Chaty has asked us to practice on ourselves, and as I do, the cards that keep coming up for me as I examine my emotional and spiritual journey always seem to be 100% in tune with where I believe that I am in my journey.

My resistance to the Sun Course has completely melted away. I eagerly look forward to internalizing everything I can, lowering my defenses, opening my mind to new ideas, and immersing myself in the spiritual energy that flows with most all my experiences. I find that my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs have been extremely valuable in helping me to understand the deeper meaning of Kabala and Tarot symbolisms, and I have yet to feel like what I am learning is in conflict with my deeply held spiritual intuitions in any way.

If I had remained closed-minded, refusing to sincerely study new topics, I would have been missing out on all of this growth.

Tuesday, July 13 – 7:15 p.m.

Wow – what an emotion-filled day. This morning, I was fully aware that one year ago today was the day that we buried my dear sweet mother – and that just a couple hours after the funeral I was synchronously blessed with the opportunity to be in the room with my mother-in-law when she also took her final breaths. To top it off, today would have been my mother’s 95^th birthday.

But I mostly didn’t think about last year’s events until this evening in meditation. Deep peace continues to fill my heart regarding the passing of both of the dear sweet mother-figures in my life. My memories of that beautiful but exhausting day, exactly one year ago, are filled with gratitude and deep spiritual synchronicities.

The real emotion today started shortly after noon, when I was finally able to get a reliable Skype connection with which I could contact my bank. I had an errand to perform – one which I dreaded – one which I knew that I absolutely must do. As I ended the call, knowing that automated support payments to my former wife had been terminated, my heart was overwhelmed with confusing emotions.

Yes, I continued to feel a deep peace, knowing that what I had done was exactly what I had been prompted to do – exactly what I knew that I must do. Yet at the same time I also felt emotionally numb, almost empty. For several years I have known that this day had to happen. For several years I have dreaded the potential emotional backlash that might occur when it did. Following a prompting that did not result in immediate Joy is an uncommon experience for me – an experience that I hope to not have to repeat many times in my life.

This evening, before meditation, I spent some time trying to re-center myself spiritually, but I was still feeling disconnected and numb. As I was about to head out the door, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a single card on which to meditate. The card was the three of Pentacles – a card which in normal readings means usually means something like “ability to communicate/work/be-in-agreement with others.”

“That is an interesting card to choose for meditation.” I silently thought to myself as I walked down to the pyramid temple, wondering what possible message this card might have fore me.

As I began meditating, it did not take long for me to start exploring all possible symbolism of the card. One of the symbolic meanings really hit home on an intuitive front. In the Tarot deck, each of the cards numbered one through ten (in all four suits) corresponds to one of the ten spheres (sephiroth) in the Kabala Tree of Life. It so happens that the three of pentacles corresponds with the third sphere of the Tree of Life in the physical/material realm. This third sphere is called “Binah” (which means Understanding) – but one of the symbolic meanings associated with Binah is “The Mother of Creation.”

As my meditation intuitively guided me to this alternative title, my heart immediately latched onto the realization that this card was telling me to meditate on the mother that created me in the physical world. My heart filled with deep gratitude as I let my meditation wander through many wonderful memories from both of the two mother figures in my life.

During the second half of tonight’s meditation, Chaty took us through a guided meditation to our childhood, beginning at age twenty-one, and then regressing all the way down to our five-year-old self.

As I pondered my feelings and emotions at each of those life stages, one thing that jumped out at me over and over is how I was constantly feeling as if I had to please others in order to be deserving of their love and affection. I realized that even in my younger childhood, I was desperately focused on trying to “win” my parent’s love by behaving in a manner that I believed would make them happy and proud.

As the meditation neared an end, as Chaty guided us back to the present moment, an underlying wave of emotion was beginning to surface with a vengeance. I realized that one of the primary reasons that I have had such a hard time dealing with my present “support money” situation is that I have again been petrified by the fear of what might happen if I don’t do things to try to win the love and approval of my family.

As I left the pyramid temple, I felt drawn to my favorite tree in the medicinal garden, where I again placed my hands on its smooth, energy-filled bark. I reconnected with the tree’s grounding earth energy, and again felt its deep affinity with the elements of air, water, and fire. As I stood there with my arms outstretched, tears began to stream rapidly down my cheeks.

Returning to my room, I curled up on my bed, and allowed the emotions to surface freely. The emotion went all the way back to childhood – expressing deep sadness at having to always pretend to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be – to do what I thought they wanted me to do – always being concerned with the opinions of others – always sacrificing the fancies of my heart in order to make sure that I did not disappoint others – always feeling afraid to express my true inner self.

The emotion came bursting out in the form of deep sobs and teeth-chattering shakes, lasting for about fifteen minutes. It then ended as quickly as it began. With those emotions finally released, I again felt happy, spiritually balanced, and ready to get up and to write.

I am fully aware that this emotional roller coaster ride may not yet be over – but I am fully committed to stay present, to maintain my spiritual balance, and to go wherever the ride takes me. There is no doubt that all of this is for my growth – and for the growth of my family.

Wednesday, July 14 – 7:15 p.m.

I had a vague dream last night. I did not quite understand the few details that I could recall. I only remember that I had been meeting with a large group of people who were all preparing to embark on a cross-country journey. I was concerned about how I would get transportation, since I did not have my own. I barely recollect that a friend had offered to let me ride with them – but then my oldest son came into the dream and told me that he had room in the back seat of his truck, and that I could make the journey with them. As he invited me, I realized that my whole family would be participating in the journey, and I wondered about the awkwardness that might ensue based on the events of this past two weeks. At this point I woke up, believing the dream to be nonsense – but in an effort to keep a personal commitment to myself, I wrote it down anyway.

Before yoga this morning, I remembered that Chaty told us that we can use a Tarot reading to help us to interpret our dreams, so I decided to give it a quick try. I opted to do a quite large and detailed layout, with a three sided pyramid (triangle), with seven cards on each side – the right side representing the past (leading up to the dream), the bottom representing the dream itself, and the left side representing the future (after the dream).

I was not quite sure what to expect, and I had to draw a couple of extra cards for clarification, but the results were amazing. What I ended up figuring out is that the cross-country trip was the long emotional journey in which my family is now engaging as a result of my promptings to stop support payments. I felt a deep sense of gratitude that my son invited me to make the trip with him – implying a desire to communicate and offer loving support. The cards seemed to confirm that there would be emotional tests and obstacles to work through, but that the outcome would be great spiritual strength, emotional balance and self control – powerful growth for everyone.

I found it quite fun to interpret a dream using Tarot as an intuitive trigger – and I loved the interpretation that came as a result. I know that spiritual guidance is always win-win (even though it may not look that way), and I totally believe that the outcome of my family’s cross-country journey will indeed be great and positive growth for all.

*  *  *  *  *

This afternoon, just an hour after returning from breakfast, a couple of Moon Course acquaintances walked by and we had a really bonding conversation as we discussed deep spiritual topics. One of them excused herself while I continued to talk to the other (Jody). Minutes later, a different Moon Course young woman (Sara) (that I had never officially met) walked up and invited Jody to lunch. As they started to leave, Jody looked over her shoulder, and on the spur of the moment asked if I wanted to go to lunch with them.

My initial reaction was to say “Thanks, but I just ate breakfast barely an hour ago.” But as those words were leaving my tongue I paused and found myself listening to a prompting. Seconds later, I was saying “Yes, I am not very hungry, but I could have a burrito or something … I would love to go.”

As the three of us walked to a delightful little restaurant down by the lake that has a beautiful view, I felt a strong energy confirming that I would be sharing my story. I love sharing my background and my experiences from my spiritual journey, and could easily talk nonstop for many hours about the amazing growth experiences that continue to guide me on this journey. Because of this, I always first check in with my heart to make sure that my desire to share is not based on ego. Today my feelings clearly confirmed that I would be sharing, and ego was not the reason.

As we engaged in deep spiritual conversation while waiting for lunch, Sara and I were constantly looking at each other with amazement as we realized that our beliefs were nearly identical regarding everything that we discussed. About thirty minutes into the conversation, someone asked me a question that was a perfect lead-in to me asking if they wanted me to share my story. For ninety minutes, I talked almost nonstop while my burrito went cold. I kept checking in with them to make sure I was not boring them to death, but they kept begging me so share more of my journey. I love how spirit works.

As a result of that conversation, I now have two more fun friends here at the pyramids, and I was gifted with the opportunity to do my first Tarot reading ever for another person. This afternoon, I did a reading for Jody – a reading that turned out to be a great experience for both of us. Friday afternoon I will be doing one for Sara. Did I say yet that I am really feeling a deep connection with the spiritual symbolism of the cards?

I am really starting to feel at home here, and every day I grow more excited with the energy that I feel – energy telling me that I am in for an exciting ride.

Saturday, July 17 – 6:45 p.m.

Wow, what an up-and-down roller coaster ride these last three days have been. Thursday after class I took a boat ride into Panajachel to run errands – to get more money at the bank, renew my mobile internet, buy flashlight batteries, red cloth, and more peanut butter, etc…

As I returned on the 2:30 p.m. boat, I felt drained and exhausted as I struggled to stay awake during the boat ride. While returning to my room shortly after 3:15, I felt a deep need to take a nap, but I instead ended up spending all of my afternoon time staring blankly at my computer screen, simply playing mind-numbing games. For some reason, after having been in such a spiritual environment here in San Marcos, a trip to other places has a way of knocking me off center – removing me from my state of spiritual connectedness. Whenever I feel spiritually disconnected, one of the first things I notice is that I feel tired and distracted.

Thursday evening, after our normal thirty minutes of silent meditation, Chaty led us in a “Past Life Regression” meditation. This is a repeat of the process that I did in my Moon Course where I ended up seeing myself as a fisherman in Peru, a single father raising a young girl by myself – the same regression that turned out to be such a powerful guilt-healing experience. In this week’s Thursday evening meditation, I had the distinct impression that I was the son of an artistic sculptor, working on constructing the pyramids of Egypt. I loved playing in the sand and watching my father work. Eventually, I became a sculptor myself, taking over in my father’s stead. I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of this regression, but I do know that I have struggled with suppressed creativity in this lifetime. Perhaps recognizing that I had a very artistic and creative past life can help me to add creative perspective to my present experience.

After meditation on Thursday evening, I went to dinner with about 20 people from here at the pyramid center. One of our Sun Course participants (Marcel) was celebrating his birthday and we all joined in to help celebrate. Prior to heading over to the restaurant, I felt quite resistant. I was feeling so spiritually centered after the meditation that I would have preferred to simply go back to my room, write in my journal, and meditate some more. But I did go to dinner, and it turned out to be a great experience. I am grateful that I followed my promptings and participated socially – the first such evening outing that I have made since beginning the Sun Course four weeks ago.

*  *  *  *  *

On Friday afternoon, I facilitated my second Tarot card reading, this one being for Sara from the Moon Course. I am so impressed with Sara. At only 23, she seems to have such a beautiful connection with the subconscious world – she could easily be my teacher.

I had a very humbling and humorous experience Friday evening in Meditation. I had been wrestling with a bad case of intestinal gas for over 24 hours, and had recently begun taking some grapefruit seed extract pills that seem to help tremendously with intestinal parasites (things like Giardia, Amoeba, and other fun little creatures are extremely common here in San Marcos). After finishing our thirty minutes of silent meditation, we had just barely reclined on our mats in preparation for a guided meditation.

I attempted to silently and inconspicuously release some unpleasant gaseous pressure in my abdomen. To my shock, the sound of a loud and unexpected fart suddenly rumbled forth from my posterior. Within about 5 seconds, the majority of the room burst out in uncontrollable laughter. To my surprise, rather than feeling embarrassed, I simply joined in and enjoyed a wonderful laugh. The laughter was contagious, lasting for almost ten minutes. Each time we almost had ourselves under control, someone in the room would lose it once again, and we would all burst into unbridled, uncontainable giggles.

Since we were all lying down, I was not quite sure if anyone knew exactly where the origin of the ghastly sound had come from – but I knew it did not matter. The old me would have been horrified and ashamed – the new me just had fun with the present moment, lowering my guard. The whole experience reminded me of a dear spiritual-teacher and friend of mine who frequently reminded us to remember to laugh. In fact, one of my goals here at my retreat has been to smile more, to feel a more joyful and to be more playful relaxed presence in all of my activities.

I am happy to report that I succeeded admirably in this goal on Friday evening.

After meditation, I went out for the second night in a row. The plan was to have dinner with one of the women from the Moon Course (Amy), but it ended up being a group of eight of us that enjoyed a fun Friday evening together. Again, I almost backed out, but am grateful that I took the time away from my studies and meditation to simply enjoy the strengthening of a few more social connections.

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to feel quite connected to others, both in the Sun Course, and in the current Moon Course too.

*  *  *  *  *

My most recent emotional roller coaster, however, started this morning, Saturday, July 17, 2010.

Because of a worldwide meditation for peace that was taking place this morning at 8:00 a.m. Guatemala time, our normal Saturday classes were moved to Sunday so that we could all participate. This morning, a large group of us climbed the hill just to the west of San Marcos – the same hill where I sometimes go to experience some alone time with nature.

As I was waiting for the ceremonies to begin, Narkis (from the Sun Course) began to ask me lots of questions about my relationship with my children. In the process of trying to explain the awkward dynamic that exists – lots of love, yet a difficulty in communicating – I began to feel very sad. All week I have been successfully fighting back self-defeating and worrisome thoughts about how the act of following my recent promptings may (or may not) affect my relationship with my wonderful children. Today’s sad feelings, however, got the best of me, and pulled me into a very reflective and emotionally withdrawn mood.

I loved the 8:00 a.m. meditation ceremony led by Chaty – a beautiful ceremony where a large group of over forty people from around San Marcos were sitting in a large outdoor circle, surrounded by nature on all sides.

I also thoroughly enjoyed a 10:30 a.m. fire ceremony that was subsequently held in the very same place – this one being led by a Mayan Shaman. But during the time in between these two ceremonies, I found myself longing for a quiet place to hide and cry.

Shortly before 1:00 p.m., as the beautiful Mayan Ceremony ended, I hurried back down the hill to the seclusion of my room – but instead of curling up on my bed I felt an urge to first go out and get some lunch at the Blue Lily café. As I ordered my vegetarian pizza, I sat and visited with Christina – my casual friend who now works quite often at my favorite tiny restaurant. We have continued to have fun chats now and then, ever since we first met at the café in late June – but I had still never felt a prompting to share my story with her.

This afternoon, I found myself sitting just a few feet away from Christina – and for the first time in a long time, she was not working – she was relaxed and simply enjoying a day off. After a few minutes of conversation, I began to unexpectedly cry. Feeling embarrassed, I tried to push down the tears, but Christina urged me to open up and share what was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up greatly deepening yet another friendship by sharing my life story once again.

This is getting to be such a common occurrence that it seems like a non-story, yet every single time that I open up and share what were once deep dark secrets, my heart seems to heal even more. For me, such experiences are incredibly powerful, even though they are becoming ever so common in my daily life.

Amazingly, as I shared my stories with Christina, my depression simply melted away and was replaced with joy and peace.

But the break in my roller coaster ride was short lived. As I returned to my room, I again found myself excessively preoccupied with what might be going on back home, worrying that everyone might be angry at me for being such a mean horrible person for following my difficult promptings.

Immediately before meditation tonight, I was still lost in a spiritually-detached state. I pulled a quick Tarot card on which to meditate, and to my dismay the card was probably the worst in the deck – the ten of swords – a card which indicates a “bottom of the barrel” feeling in the realm of mental thoughts. I believe the universe was trying to tell me that I need to pull myself out of my negative woe-is-me thinking pattern that has been shadowing me occasionally throughout the week – especially today.

Interestingly enough, during the second half of this evening’s meditation, we again worked with oracle cards – this time the cards that we worked with were the 22 Major Arcana cards of the Tarot deck.

The card that I intuitively selected during this meditation process was a card representing Judgment Day, when the tombs are opened and the dead are raised to return to God’s presence. In terms of our spiritual journey, the main significance of this card is to represent the awakening and rebirth process in our own spiritual lives.

As I meditated peacefully on this second card, the message suddenly hit me. The Universe was very subtly reminding me that my spiritual responsibility in this lifetime is to awaken myself. It is not my job to worry about whether my children may or may not be angry at me; it is not my task to try to make anyone else like me or understand me. My one and only responsibility in this life is to spiritually awaken within myself.

In a unique and powerful way, Spirit reminded me tonight that my task is to respond to the internal promptings of my heart – to judge no one – to send unconditional love to everyone – and to heal myself.

As I catch up my writing on this beautiful Saturday evening, I once again am blessed with a rich and spiritually penetrating peaceful feeling – a strong knowing in my heart that I need simply respond to promptings – Spirit will take care of the remaining details.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Saturday, July 3 – 8:15 p.m.

I had my first encounter with a live scorpion in my room this morning. I have a tiny open-topped bag that serves as a minimal purse – a small zippered pocket for money and a slightly larger pouch in which I keep a pen, my eye glasses, and a few miscellaneous papers.

This morning at 8:25, as I grabbed my eye glasses to take with me to class, I noticed some type of spider that fell out of my eyeglass case onto my notebook. At first it was all curled up and I could not tell what it was. Suddenly it relaxed and took its real shape. It was a small scorpion, with a body perhaps three-fourths of an inch long and a tail that was about an inch long. I wanted to let it go outside, but it jumped off my notebook onto my floor. I tried to step on it, but it ran to my entryway. Before it could disappear beneath a grass floor mat, I whacked it with my umbrella. No way did I want it to be hiding out by my shoes under the floor mats in my room.

I feel bad that I killed the poor creature, but the thought of getting a scorpion sting right now is not exactly inviting. I have heard several scorpion stories around San Marcos, but this is the first I have actually seen here in Guatemala. Mine was a baby compared to most I have heard about.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight in meditation, we drew oracle cards during the second half – and then meditated on them. The cards that we used tonight were of Hindu origin, and were simply cards with inspired messages on them. At the end of our first thirty minutes of silent meditation, I pondered deeply the fact that tonight I wanted to draw a card that would help me know what I need to do to move forward on my path. As I observed the layout of cards, I noted that a single large deck of cards had been split into three groupings on three sides of the center pyramid. My intuition strongly told me to choose a card from the third grouping – and to select the fourth card from the left.

When I went to the front of the room, I still felt deeply guided to that same card. The card was titled “The Sacred Om”, and the text was all about the significance of “Om.” My intuition strongly told me that I need to raise my vibrations – not just in meditation, but in my every day activities. I need to approach every situation with more spiritual energy and conscious presence. I am really looking forward to focusing on this goal as I move forward with each moment of this retreat.

Sunday, July 4 – 7:00 p.m.

One year ago today I boarded a plane on the island of Cozumel, headed for a brief sixteen-day trip back home. As my plane screeched down on the tarmac, late on that Saturday night in Salt Lake City, I had one main thought on my mind – the rapidly deteriorating health of my dear mother. As I reminisce tonight about my precious last moments with my sweet mother, I feel a deep gratitude for her continuing influence in my life. I find it quite difficult to believe that a year has already passed since I took the first steps of that amazingly synchronous trip back to Utah.

Today has been a day of reflecting and study – but mostly study. I must have read for at least six or seven hours today, pushing my mind to the point of burnout. Our three month Sun Course is divided into two main sections. During the first fifty days, Chaty has asked us to fill up our mind with a base of intellectual knowledge about the Tree of Life, Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, Alchemy, Emerald Tablet, and all of the complex mazes of symbolism involved with each.

During the final forty days our entire focus will shift. Throughout those final six weeks we will be in silence, eating a gradually restricting diet, and meditating for a great portion of the day. The purpose of our meditations will be to internalize the symbolisms into our subconscious, seeking our own personal experiences with the divine.

After studying for much of today, I am actually looking forward to finishing up the study phase.

Tuesday, July 6 – 9:00 p.m.

Yesterday and today, I didn’t have a whole lot to talk about. Both days were quite routine – filled with yoga, Tarot class, evening meditation, and lots (and I mean lots) of studying – trying to cram my brain with additional information on the Tree of Life, Astrology, and Tarot.

But tonight, all of that has changed. I just now ate my standard peanut butter and honey sandwiches and banana, more than two hours later than normal.

As I left evening meditation, I wandered through the medicinal garden here at the pyramids, and I connected with the very same tree that I connected with after our “Om Meditation” a few nights ago. As I placed my hands on the smooth bark of the tree’s branches, I felt a powerful energy exchange, and I found myself subconsciously connecting with the four elements that sustain the tree’s life.

I felt the incredible stability and life-giving power of the earth below, into which the tree’s roots sink deeply in search of nutritional sustenance and physical support. Likewise, I felt, on a deep personal level, the importance and function of water, air, and fire in the tree’s life cycle (fire being the energy of the sun).

As I slowly walked away from that tree, I experienced a new and personal appreciation for the elements – but that appreciation had not yet gelled into full understanding.

One thing that had gelled many times previously, however, was my strong resistance toward embracing the elements, especially toward the element earth which represents the physical world. As discussed in a different post, it is my deep belief that this physical world is an illusion – and as a result, I had no desire to waste my time connecting with an illusion.

As I was nearing my room, I stopped for a short chat with Sandra. I felt prompted to ask her about her experiences in using the Tarot as a personal do-it-yourself guide to help her through her Sun Course growth processes. She began to describe what she does, after which one thing led to another, and soon she simply suggested that we do a trial reading together. Fifteen minutes later, we had the cards spread out on a scarf on the floor of my room.

My question was “What do I need to do in my current spiritual path to begin making more progress through my Sun Course Processes?” We did a Celtic-Cross layout, and I used my intuition to select each card. I was amazed at how the meaning of the cards (each and every single one of them) fit so perfectly with my question. The whole experience was quite energizing and inspiring.

But even more amazing was our subsequent discussion that just ended a few minutes ago. Sandra and I have so much in common on our spiritual paths and our beliefs about the world and the Universe. And even with her being only 23 years old, I totally see her as being my spiritual teacher and as my reflection. She has had some incredible energy and meditation experiences over the past few weeks, and she has so much to teach to me about how to raise my vibrations and to meditate more effectively.

As our conversation was beginning to wind down, we somehow began to talk about the four elements. I mentioned how much I have resisted connecting with the physical, and she expressed the exact same feelings – but she has only recently realized that connecting with the physical earth is critical as a “grounding element” in the spiritual connecting process.

As Sandra was talking, a powerful wave of recognition shot through my own awareness. I suddenly connected with the fact that my most profound spiritual growth began six years ago last month when I experienced a deep life-changing connection with nature at the top of a wilderness mountain in north-central Utah. After that amazing spiritual experience in June, 2004, I made a firm commitment to return to the mountains – by myself – on an almost-weekly basis in an effort to repeatedly reconnect with that divine energy that had so deeply energized my soul. Honoring that self-commitment has been a huge blessing in my life.

I almost laughed at myself as I realized what I was telling Sandra. Over the last six years my spiritual path has been largely fueled by a deep connection with the earth – the physical element. It is so ironic that my strongest resistance has been about embracing that same element. Tonight, as I prepare for bed, I feel a new and deepened connection to Mother Nature and to the physical earth that provides stability and nourishment to all life on the planet.

I still believe this earthly existence to be an illusion, but I will certainly embrace the elements that sustain my soul as long as I continue to find myself walking around barefoot with my toes in the soil of this dream world.

Thursday, July 8 – 7:00 p.m.

The past two days have been two more examples of study, study, and study some more. I have a feeling that the next five or six weeks will be very similar. The good thing is that I am really enjoying these studies. I am finding the information that I am gleaning to be quite fascinating, and I look forward to the time when I can meditate deeply on each element.

When I participated in the Moon Course, I took advantage of a couple of “kneeling” meditation benches – the kind of bench on which I could sit while kneeling down with my legs sticking out under the bench behind me. As I began the Sun Course, I instinctively wanted to use the same benches (there are only a couple of them), but a little internal feeling urged me to learn to sit on the lower-down benches, with my legs crossed.

For the past week and a half, I have been using these more traditional benches. They are only a few inches high, with a sight slant to them. I continue to struggle with my feet going to sleep and my hips aching, but I am pushing myself relentlessly, refusing to give up on my quest for meditative flexibility.

One side-effect of this intensive knee twisting is that the muscles in my lower-left back began to hurt slightly during the early part of last week, and gradually, the muscles seem to be worse and worse. For many days now, I have wondered if the back pain is due to my hard mattress with uneven ridges on one side. I know that some mattresses have caused me to have back pain in the past. Then I have also speculated that all of the daily yoga stretching is taking its toll – but I believe the stretching is actually helping to alleviate the pain. It has only been the last two or three days that I have begun to suspect that the pain is related to my sore hip muscles which are in turn pulling on my back muscles.

Through all of the pain, I have maintained a very positive attitude, refusing to let it stop me from daily functioning. I continue to go to yoga every morning, and I continue to sit on that low bench with crossed legs for long periods twice each day. Whenever I sit, stand, or bend, I have to do it very carefully and consciously, but I do it anyway.

Last night, a brilliant flash of insight entered my mind. I will utilize my painful back muscles to help me practice lucid dreaming.

I am still passionately desirous of developing my dream skills – and one of the main exercises for waking up while still dreaming is to develop the habit of being present in every moment of the normal daytime hours. Another critical exercise is to constantly ask yourself if you are dreaming, touching objects and asking is this physical or is this astral – etc. The idea is that if you develop the habit of questioning reality during normal activities, that you will then do the same while dreaming in the astral realms. This greatly increases the likelihood of waking up while still inside a dream.

So, to make this long story short, last night I started using my pain as a trigger to ask myself if I am dreaming. Today, all day long, I have gotten really proficient at remembering to question my reality. The whole practice has greatly helped me to be more present in each moment – more aware of what is going on around me. Who would have guessed that a strong back pain could be used for such a creative purpose? I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole back-pain was given to me for this very reason, and that it will resolve itself as soon as I internalize this skill.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night before bed, as part of my exercise to more fully ground myself with the physical realm, I surrounded myself with a small grid of crystals while lying in my bed. I started out by placing a grid of six quartz crystals around my body, smaller ones at my feet, both sides of my knees, both sides of my elbows, and a larger one at the top of my head. Then I placed a small ruby crystal (red-ish) on my root chakra, a carnelian crystal (orange) on my sacrum, a citrine crystal (yellow-ish) on my solar plexus, a green crystal over my heart, a sky-blue crystal over my throat, and a purple crystal on my forehead.

As I began to meditate, I felt an incredible wave on energy begin to dance through my body from the top of my head to the root chakra. The energy reminded me very much of a similar energy that passed through my body during a crystal healing session a couple of years ago. For almost thirty minutes I thoroughly enjoyed the sensations of the strong flowing energy.

I don’t necessarily know what I did, or what it means, but I definitely know it had something to do with raising the energy levels in my body, raising my vibrations, and learning to sense the energy that passes through my chakras. Regardless, I know that it was a wonderful experience, and I fully intend to practice and perfect my connections with the vibrating energies of crystals.

*  *  *  *  *

I had a dream this morning. I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is that I was sitting in some divine school, taking detailed notes in a lined notebook. A teacher was giving us information to write down in the notebook, and as each item was given, I repeated it carefully in my mind and then wrote down the words in my notebook.

But the only words I remember are the final words that I wrote before waking up. They were “My ego gets in the way.”

Great food for thought … that devious little ego is so sly and cunning.

Saturday, July 10 – 7:00 p.m.

Tonight before meditation group, almost as an afterthought, I quickly grabbed my Tarot deck and intuitively selected a face-down card to inspire me during meditation. For the second night in a row, out of a possible 78 cards, I randomly (with intuitive guidance) selected the Ace of Cups – which signifies the deepest spiritual root of the element water, the element of emotions. I’ll talk about last night’s card later, but first, I want to talk about tonight.

As I meditated on the card, I kept thinking that it must have something to do with making sure that my emotions are balanced with love in relation to the steps I am taking related to support payments from my former marriage – but that aspect just did not resonate with me during the meditation tonight.

Then, toward the end of the second half of tonight’s meditation – during a time when we were supposed to be meditating on an archangel card, the realization hit me. The time was approximately 6:15 p.m. when the tears first started to conspicuously trickle down my cheeks. I found myself visualizing a small bedroom in an assisted living center in Orem, Utah, sitting on a double bed, stroking the cheeks of my dear sweet mother, holding her hand, telling her I love her – all the while she was taking her final breaths.

Exactly one year ago tonight, at around 6:22 p.m., my wonderful mother took her last breath in this earthly existence. I am so grateful for the opportunity to spend those final moments alone with her. I am filled with profound gratitude for the lessons in love that my dear mother unknowingly taught to me during the final several years of her life. To most people she was a very confused woman with Alzheimer’s. To me, she was a beautiful woman who taught me to see beyond outward appearances into the soul.

As tonight’s meditation neared an end at about 6:30 p.m., I was still wiping back a few tears when I noticed that I was sitting directly in front of a symbol, just three feet away, on the small middle pyramid. The symbol, a downward facing triangle, represents water, the element associated with emotion, the element associated with the Ace of Cups. Normally I sit in a different seat, but just for tonight, because a few of our Sun group were missing, I was in this different spot.

After returning to my little private pyramid bedroom, I intuitively knew that it was time to process some deep loving emotions. After avoiding the issue for about ten minutes I curled up on my bed, returned to a state of light meditation, and visualized myself visiting with my mother. One of my favorite things to do with her (since she really couldn’t do anything else) was to sing simple children songs with her. Her eyes would often light up with delight as she realized that those childhood words were still accessible in her memories. She would often smile with a look of great surprise as she joined in to sing with me.

As I rested on my bed tonight, reminiscing about these beautiful memories, I began to sing a few of those same children’s songs. Almost immediately, the loving floodgates of my eyes burst forth. The emotion was beautiful and loving; I allowed the emotional water to freely pour forth from my eyes, squeezing in notes and words of the songs between the sobs. Then, after a few songs, the emotion dried up as quickly as it began.

As I sit here typing in my room, I feel a deep loving closeness with an incredible woman who taught me my childhood lessons of love and values. Thank you Mom! I love you.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Friday night), I also selected a quick Tarot card before meditation at 5:00 p.m., and amazingly enough, that card was also the same Ace of Cups that I picked tonight. For the last eight days, I had been nervously awaiting a response from my former wife regarding the letter that I sent to her last week. Throughout this week I have repeatedly found a place of deep peace in my heart, knowing that I am doing the correct and inspired thing – but I have also been intuitively aware that maintaining a state of pure love during the process is critical. My promptings are clear on that one. I have fully met my obligations, and it is time to stop payments – but the process of doing so has to be handled with a balance of love and gentle firmness.

During meditation, I focused deeply on the process of exploring my emotions regarding the issue, and to my amazement, I felt solidly entrenched in that space of loving balance that I so desired to achieve.

After leaving meditation, as I sat down to write in my journal, I noticed that my much anticipated response letter had finally arrived. I was almost afraid to open it. As I did so, I was quite pleased with the tone of the letter – but not with all of the content. I knew that the time had come to write yet another letter – an even harder one. But I also knew that the Ace of Cups was a powerful message for me, and I needed to deeply explore and balance my emotions before attempting to write anything.

As I went to bed last night, I fully expected to fall right to sleep and to think about the letter in the morning. Instead, I found my mind busily churning away on the imminent task at hand. By 11:00 p.m., I was growing weary of the process and took a half sleeping pill – my first one in a long time. At midnight I was still awake with my emotional review continuing relentlessly.

The process that was going on in my head was quite intense. Repeatedly I was bombarded with not-so-loving thoughts about things that ego wanted to say in my response letter. Repeatedly I analyzed those thoughts, recognized their source, blessed them, and then replaced them with loving and balanced thoughts.

Sometime during the early morning, I believe that I must have actually gotten two or three hours of broken sleep – but it was not much. At 5:00 a.m. this morning, I finally followed my promptings and crawled back out of bed, sitting down in front of my computer to begin writing – a writing process that has continued throughout much of today.

Intuition tells me to sit on the my letter for one more night, and to edit it again tomorrow with fresh eyes – making sure that everything I say is said with loving intent and purpose. I will not send it until I feel that my goal has been met.

Writing these letters has not been fun. It has been one of the most difficult things I have done in many years. But my heart is very clear on this one. The only way I can maintain a sense of personal integrity is to honor the deep inner promptings telling me to take these extremely unpleasant steps with a loving and balanced heart.

*  *  *  *  *

On another front, my back feels slightly better this afternoon. One of the women in the Moon course convinced me that my symptoms are indicative of a pinched sciatic nerve in my left hip area. When she had me push on a specific area of my buttocks, the pain amazingly went away. When I released the pressure, I once again could hardly stand up.

During Yoga this morning, we practiced a move called the “pigeon”. I believe that the deep hip stretching actually helped to loosen the nerve. This evening, during meditation, I noticed almost no pain at all. Tonight, it is hurting again – but I just smile each time I try to stand up and ask myself “Am I dreaming?”

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sun Spots: Episode 3

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Sunday, June 27 – 7:30 p.m.

Today has been an interesting weather day. We had nearly 24 hours of non-stop medium-to-heavy rains starting early yesterday afternoon, and finally slowing down late this afternoon. As I checked the weather on the internet, it looks like we have been getting the bottom edge of Tropical Storm (now Tropical Depression) Alex as it entered Mexico from the Caribbean side, just north of Belize, and then headed northwest through the Yucatan towards the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico – where it will likely pick up wind speeds once again. Luckily, today’s rains here at Lake Atitlan were not strong enough to bring additional flooding to the nearby villages.

This evening, as I sit down to briefly write, my umbrella is finally drying out – as are my flip flops and my sweatshirt.

Everyday for meals, I have been eating oatmeal with fruit for breakfast, and then going to a random restaurant to buy a more filling and varied lunch meal. Finally, for dinner, I have been staying in my room – eating two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and a banana. But today, for some reason, my eating has been completely different. Instead of my normal routine, my timing was off, and I ended up devouring a very early lunch.

As 5:00 p.m. came and went, I was feeling quite hungry, and peanut butter sandwiches just did not sound sufficiently filling. As I considered restaurant options, I felt an internal pull to order a Caesar salad at one of the nicer restaurants in town – a restaurant called “Fé” (which means “Faith” in Spanish) – a restaurant at which I have rarely eaten.

Just after I seated myself by a nice warm fireplace, while still waiting for a menu, a lone man walked through the restaurant door. When the waitress came out with menus, she saw me already sitting and assumed that the man and I were together, placing both menus on my table.

I just smiled at the man and handed him his menu as he sat at a nearby table. But because of the brief contact (with perfect timing) we started talking to each other. I almost invited Lee to sit with me, but never quite felt the prompting to do so – but I most certainly would have said yes if he had invited me to sit with him at his table.

For most of the next hour, we conversed nonstop back and forth over a six foot distance, having a delightful conversation. Lee is 45 years old, from somewhere in Great Britain. He loves traveling, and recently decided to retire, sell his home, sell most of his belongings, put the rest in storage, and to begin traveling extensively. Sound familiar?

Lee plans to spend seven months in the San Marcos area before heading home to England for a month – after which he plans to travel somewhere else in the world for another seven months, continuing the pattern into the foreseeable future.

I don’t believe in coincidences. I have been quite happy with my normal routines, and would have been very content with a peanut butter sandwich tonight. I even had a little left-over pizza in the fridge hat I could have eaten – but internal hunches took me right to the place at just the exact moment when I could begin the foundation of yet another potential friendship.

Who knows? Our conversation tonight could be a one-time thing – but as I shook Lee’s hand, thanking him for a fun and inspiring chat, I mentioned that I will be surprised if we don’t bump into each other again since we will both be consistently eating out once a day in San Marcos for the foreseeable future.

It is so fun being completely unattached to all outcomes – simply being able to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen exactly as it is should. Whether tonight was the beginning of a fun friendship or just a one-time discussion does not matter to me in the least. Unattached trust brings with it an incredible feeling of freedom – the freedom to simply be my genuine self.

Monday, June 28 – 7:00 p.m.

I had one of those dreams this morning – you know the kind – a vivid dream, filled with strange bizarre symbolism – the kind of dream that resonates in my heart as “this one is important – write it down – figure it out.”

 Based on the age of my youngest son, the setting must have been about fifteen years ago – yet not all of the ages and circumstances line up in a coherent way.

The dream starts out with a strong sense of knowing in my heart that I have been assigned to play a role – to pretend to be my very old, hunched-over, grandmother – my mother’s mother. For some reason I do not question this assignment, and implicitly know that I am supposed to do it. It seems like my whole family has encouraged me to play the part – my former wife and my children all being in on the secret.

My strange assignment while pretending to be my grandmother is to go to church and to give a speech – staying in character and convincing everyone that I am her. It seems perfectly obvious to me that everyone is expecting my grandmother to give a very important speech – but for unknown reasons, she is unable to be there. (I was 18 years old when she passed away.) While in the midst of my dream, it only makes logical sense that I would fill in for her.

The next thing I know, I am climbing into a large grey passenger van, driven by one of the local church leaders. I am hunched over, wearing an outdated dress and a wig, acting old and frail – but feeling totally conspicuous. I feel incredibly awkward and it only seems obvious that I am doing a horrible job at this pretense. I am shocked that everyone around me seems totally convinced that I am my mother’s mother – treating me with love and respect. No one except me seems to be suspect anything is abnormal.

As we walk through the halls of the church and into the chapel, many people lovingly greet me. I continue to feel extremely obvious – out of place – totally confused as to why people really believe my awkward presentation.

While sitting in the front of the chapel, my spouse hands me the script for the speech that I am supposed to give. Up until this moment, I have not given a second thought to the words that I would say from behind the pulpit. As I look over the papers that were placed in my hands, I realize that I have not been given an organized speech at all. It is not a well-written talk that I can simply read and then sit down.

In my hand I hold a collection of articles and stories. I am suddenly aware that I need to study the articles and then summarize them, expounding on the hidden symbolism of things I know absolutely nothing about – having never seen the papers before this very moment.

“I can’t give this speech.” I frantically ponder to myself. “First of all, I don’t look or feel anything like my grandmother, and second of all, I am completely unprepared.”

“No one will think a second thought if my weak frail grandmother is suddenly too tired to give this speech.” I quickly plot as I lean over to my former wife, asking her if she will stand up and give the speech for me – telling the congregation that I am too tired to give the speech myself.

The next thing I remember, I get up and I leave the chapel, struggling to remain in character, still amazed that people believe I am who I am presenting to be. I can not pretend anymore. I feel as if trying to pretend to be my grandmother is tearing away at my insides.

Minutes later, I am sitting back in the front passenger seat of that same grey van, as someone from the church drives me home. I am so anxious to take off these clothes, to stop pretending to be something I am not.

But as I get home, my children are all hanging around, and I suddenly realize that they too believe that I am their great-grandmother – and I absolutely cannot let them in on the deception – they would feel so betrayed. (As I pondered these thoughts in the dream, it seemed strange that they would not know, because I thought they were in on the original decision for me to play the role in the first place.)

Nevertheless, I continue to play my arduous role, trying to pretend to be my mother’s mother. I remember vividly walking down a hallway between the kitchen and living room, and seeing a huge, very impressive fish aquarium. It had to be at least eight feet long and six feet tall – being around two feet deep. Inside the tank, in crystal clear water, a beautiful variety of large tropical fish were swimming gently, back and forth.

My former wife said something about needing to get rid of the fish tank, and my youngest son immediately jumped up, expressing his incredible love for the fish, insisting that we needed to keep them. As my young son was talking so cutely (he appeared to be about eight to ten years old in the dream), I found nothing strange when he reached his arm into the aquarium and began stroking the side of a beautiful blue angel fish.

(As I reflect back on that image, however, my son was very short and the top of the aquarium was at least four feet above his head. As far as I can tell, he was simply sticking his arm right through the glass itself.)

The next thing I remember, I am up on the roof, feeling exhausted from trying to play this strange role. As if it is the normal thing to do, I walk across the roof of the neighbor’s house, stopping at a small patio on the roof about three homes down the street. I feel as if I have found the perfect place to sit and hideout. As I am sitting, resting, feeling trapped and alone, a young girl comes up on the roof, recognizes her friends’ great-grandma, and begins to talk to me.

“Arrrgh” I think to myself. “I need some downtime – I need to stop having to play this role – I need to be allowed to be myself again.”

Saved by the bell, so to say, my former wife walks across the neighbors’ roofs and finds me, explaining to the young girl that I am old and tired, and that I need to come home to rest. Once home, I walk into a bathroom and look into a mirror. What I see is hideous. I look absolutely nothing like my grandmother. My short dark hair is showing around my ears, and my wig contains long, black curls that are not even remotely similar to my grandmother’s hair. I look very masculine, and am disgusted by what I see, wondering how people could possibly believe my fraudulent presentation.

Then the plot gets even weirder. The phone rings and it is Oprah on the other end, inviting me to be on her show. She is amazed by my life and wants me to be a guest. Just as she is telling me who the other expert guests will be, the line goes dead. Some children across the room have pulled out the phone line.

Immediately I feel a sense of devastation – experiencing emotion that seems to be from the perspective of my present-day self. I seem to have the benefit of all of my memories of my life struggles and my current spiritual growth path. I feel like I deserve this opportunity to be on the Oprah show. I have worked so hard to achieve my growth – having graduated from so many years of struggle.

A deep sense of gloom tells me that Oprah will not call me back, and that the opportunity has fizzled away.

In the midst of this emotion, I wake up and look at my clock. It is 5:55 a.m. on Monday morning, June 28, 2010.

As soon as I finish scribbling down the details of my dream, it is time to rush off to yoga class. I would love the opportunity to meditate on the dream – but that will have to wait. Throughout the day, I frequently think back about the strange events.

*  *  *  *  *

As I think about the dream later in the day, many of the parallels seem perfectly obvious. The dream seemed to take place at a period of my life where I was growing intensely weary from playing the role of husband and father. I was pretending to be someone on the outside that did not feel real. On the inside, I felt like a fraud, a fake, a circus clown – yet for some strange reason, everyone around me was utterly convinced of the authenticity of my pretense. The more I was expected to play that masculine role, the more I just wanted to run away and hide.

I find it quite odd that, in the dream, I was pretending to be my grandmother. Even though we lived hundreds of miles away, I felt very close to my mother’s mother. Strangely enough, my very psychic friend Trish even told me once that my mother’s mother and I were the exact same soul, reincarnated in different bodies. She told me it is not uncommon for the same soul to be in multiple incarnations at the same time. Now, I am not fully sure I believe that – yet I have no reason not to believe it either. I have really never had a personal confirmation either way.

But one thing is perfectly clear. The fact that the dream had me pretending to be someone else that I love dearly seems to more clearly illustrate the absurdity of the situation I found myself in just fifteen years ago. Even though I am and will always be my children’s father – on the inside I was no more a man than I was my own grandmother. It was all an act – trying to please everyone else.

The church part of the dream is easy to interpret – again taking me back to the fact that I tried so hard to fit into the Mormon belief system during my younger years. But by my early thirties I felt like a fish out of water. The speech I was supposed to give seems to be like my religious testimony. When it came time to address the congregation, the ideas in the papers in front of me were so confusing and foreign to me that I simply could not give the speech.

Intuition tells me that the fish tank part of the dream was merely inserted to give me a visual picture of my youngest son’s age – allowing me to place the supposed timeframe of events.

The Oprah part of the dream is also easy. I have long had a strong feeling that someday after my books are published that I will most likely be a guest on various talk shows. I do not like to publicly discuss those feelings, because they seem on the outside to be ego based. I have no attachment whatsoever to the idea – but nevertheless, I have fun manifesting the possibilities in my mind. Possibly, the fact that Oprah will soon cease her daily shows is related to the dropped call and my sense that she will not call me back.

But even with the obvious and simple conclusions to be drawn from this dream, I still felt as if there were some deeper hidden meaning buried in the symbolism.

Tonight, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, I decided to spend our first thirty minutes of silent meditation focusing on the dream. About fifteen minutes into the meditation, tears began to stream down my cheeks as deeper meaning began to resonate powerfully in my soul.

As the tears slowly trickled, I reached a state of powerful and unmistakable internal knowing that all of my family (wife and children) were fully aware and supportive of the fact that their husband and father would eventually become Brenda. This was a decision that we had all made together before coming to this earth. It was a group decision that would force us all to face some very difficult, but powerful, growth lessons.

The reason I felt so puzzled in the latter part of the dream is that I intuitively knew that my children should already know that I was playing a role – in my heart I knew they were in on the plans, so why did I have to pretend around them? It made no sense.

Another healing took place in my heart tonight. Another lead brick of guilt was lifted from my backpack, melted and transformed by spiritual fires, leaving in its place the knowledge that my children are on their own incredible growth paths, and that I need feel no guilt over the fact that my life changes have brought them temporary obstacles to overcome. They chose these obstacles, and their growth will be (and already is) amazing.

As I prepare for bed, my heart is overflowing with love and joy. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Tuesday, June 29 – 7:30 p.m.

I really love our little “Sun Course” pyramid temple. We entered it for the first time yesterday morning. We will have classes in this smaller temple every morning (except Sundays) at 8:30 a.m. – just after yoga. While this temple is much older, it has recently been refurbished inside. It is considerably smaller than the large pyramid temple where we do yoga, evening meditations, and where the Moon Course meets for classes.

Our small group of eight had our first Sun Course class with Chaty yesterday morning. She gave us lots of overview information about what we will be doing for the next three months. Today, our class was taught by Melanie. She normally teaches Saturday morning classes, but she and her family are going away for two months and Chaty wanted her to talk to us before she left. Melanie hosted a wonderful and inspiring discussion about her own personal experiences with the Sun Course, giving us a great deal of valuable advice about how to get the most out of our experience here at Las Piramides del Ka.

Melanie made it very clear that we should not compare our progress with that of anyone else. The Sun Course is always a very individual experience, and she emphasized that Spirit will basically work with us during our private meditations in exactly the way that we need, tailored in a way to meet us where we are at in our own individual path.

I came away from today’s discussion fully energized and spiritually alive. I am very excited to move forward with my yet-unknown growth experiences.

Shortly after class today, based on the fact that it was sunny for the first time in almost a week, I made a hasty decision to hop onto a boat and take a 40 minute ride over to Panajachel to run some errands – bank, shopping, etc… It didn’t take long for the rains to return. My ride home across the waves was wet and very rough. We are still picking up the tail end of a few outer bands of Tropical Storm Alex in the Gulf of Mexico.

I have been mulling over a question for a few weeks – a question of whether or not I wanted to purchase a “wireless mobile internet modem” for my laptop. Today I finally decided to do so, and one of my objectives in going to Panajachel was to make the purchase. I was not fully sure if I would even be able to get a mobile-phone internet signal in my room – but I am pleased to say that I do – even though it is somewhat transient in strength and reliability.

I now have internet access here at the pyramids. My biggest challenge will be to limit my online time so as not to distract myself from my meditation and study time – but in the long run I believe that having internet in my room will cut down on my outside distractions, as I will not need to spend time and money in the internet café every day. Time will tell.

Wednesday, June 30 – 7:30 p.m.

We began studying the Tarot cards this morning, and my resistance has disappeared. I am actually looking forward to learning more about the spiritual significance of each card. I did some meditating on the cards this afternoon and evening and felt a deep spiritual connection with the symbolism of the 22 Major Arcana cards – which essentially symbolically describe our life journey from birth back to enlightenment.

On a lighter note, I had my first haircut today in over eight months. My hair had grown at least four or five inches during this period, and the length and weight was making my hair feel scraggly and thin. I found out about a stylist here in San Marcos who is from Sweden. This afternoon I braved the scissors, and am very pleased with the results. My hair is now about the same length as it was when I began my journey almost thirteen months ago – but not quite the same style – and the color is way different. My once perfectly died auburn hair with blond highlights is now half salt-and-pepper grey and half faded blondish-red. I am beginning to quite like the grey and might just keep it this way.

This evening, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, we did the same desert meditation sequence in which I participated early during my Moon Course. It was during that meditation 29 days ago that I had struggled frustratingly with my inability to visualize – but I had also experienced a powerful realization. That was the meditation where I was given the strong intuitive message that I was not yet speaking my full truth on my spiritual journey.

Tonight, I had a much more harmonious experience. I was still slightly handicapped in the visualization area, but I joyfully allowed my intuitive imagination to take up all the slack. After my first try at this experience last month, I had already forgotten all of the symbolic meanings (except for the steps) – so tonight’s meditation seemed as if it were my first time.

I would like to describe my meditation insights here in my journal – but before doing so I want to first summarize instructions for performing this guided imagery – before giving away the meaning of the symbolisms. This way, if anyone wants to try this for themselves before reading on, I won’t spoil the meaning for you.

After having already meditated silently for 30 minutes, Chaty instructs us to lie down on our backs, maintaining our already deep meditative focus on our third eye. She asks us to visualize or to imagine in whatever way works for us – emphasizing that it is important to let our subconscious lead the way, and to not think too much – we should just observe and focus on the first feelings that come up. Then she very slowly guides us through the following sequences, pausing at each step, asking questions to help us paint the picture in our imaginations.

1. Imagine that you are walking through a desert. Look around. What does it look like? What do you see? How do you feel? Etc…

2. Pay attention to how you are walking. Are you walking fast or slow? What emotions are you feeling as you walk? Are you happy or sad? Are you peaceful or fearful? Etc…

3. Can you see the end of the desert? If you can see it, how far away is it, and what is it like?

4. Can you see an oasis? If so, where is it? How far away? How many oases do you see? What are they like? Etc…

5. Can you see any camels? If so, how many can you see? How far away are they? Etc…

6. As you are walking along, do you see any cactuses? How big are they? Do they have blossoms or flowers? How many are there? How far away are they? Etc…

7. You come across an unusual item in the desert. You find a dice. How big is the dice? What is it made of? What colors is the dice? What number is showing on top? Etc…

8. You find a box in the desert. Pick up the box and open it. What do you find inside the box?

9. Look around you to see if you see people in your surroundings. How many people are there? Where are they? Etc…

10. As you continue walking through the desert you come to some steps. Walk up the steps. How do you feel? What do you see? What do you experience as you climb the steps? Etc…

11. We are nearing the end. A storm suddenly comes up around you. What kind of storm is it? Is there wind? Is there blowing sand? Is there rain? Is there lightning and thunder? How do you feel in the storm? What feelings and emotions do you experience? How do you react?

12. The storm ends. How do you feel now? What was your experience?

At the end of the meditation, Chaty then has us take seven deep breaths and roll onto our sides, at which time she tells us the symbolism behind the guided imagery.

In the paragraphs that follow, I will describe my personal experience during the meditation, and will then immediately explain the symbolism behind that portion of the meditation.

As I walked through the desert, what I saw was a vast collection of beautiful pure white sandy dunes. Sometimes I found myself walking between the dunes, and other times, I felt myself climbing up their sides in the soft sinking sand, playing and rolling around. My emotions took me back to an experience I had in Death Valley about 16 months ago where I walked in a very similar place. In tonight’s visualization, I felt an incredible feeling of peaceful energizing reverence as I walked quite slowly, barefoot, through the soft, cool sands squishing below my toes. I felt spiritually alive in the silent peace of my surroundings. No fears – just loving peace.

Chaty explained to us that the desert is the way we see our life. How we feel in the desert, and how we walk through he desert is symbolic of the way we approach life’s many varied situations.

When asked if we could see the end of the desert, I could not do so at first. Then I could faintly visualize the outline of mountains, perhaps five or ten miles away – reminding me very much of the mountains that surround Death Valley.

Chaty explained that the edge/end of the desert, if we see one at all, is indicative of the mental limitations that we need to overcome in our lives.

When asked if we could see an oasis, I struggled at first to see anything. I felt like there must be one out there, but could not see it. Then, as I allowed my imagination to take over, I began to see faint visualized images of young trees sprouting up all around me. They seemed to be arranged in a pattern on all sides, springing up in ever increasing numbers.

Chaty explained that the oasis, if we see one or more than one, symbolizes the amount of spiritual support that we have in our lives.

I had a similar experience with the camels, not being able to see or feel anything at first – but as I let my imagination take over, I felt as if a row of perhaps ten to fifteen camels were lined up a short distance away. I could see a faint visualization of the row as it disappeared into the distance.

Chaty explained that the camels, if we see any, represent the amount of material support that we have in our lives.

The cactus were easy. I saw occasional bunches of small prickly pears with beautiful blooming flowers of yellow, fuchsia, and red – reminding me of similar cactuses that I once saw in Canyonlands National Park, near Moab, Utah.

Chaty explained that the cactuses we see represent the problems in our lives. How many cactus we see, how big they are, and their distance from us are all part of the symbolism. Then she added that blossoms on the cactus indicate solutions for the problems, meaning that they are not really problems at all because they are easily solved.

When instructed to visualize a dice, I saw a single dice, perhaps ¾ inch across, white, made of hard plastic – very similar to those you might get in a typical board game. As I visualized the number, I clearly saw a single dot. But then, as my mind wandered I clearly saw three dots. Again, as I started to move on, I clearly saw a pattern of five dots.

Chaty told us that the dice is symbolic of our Ego. Regretfully, I could not understand her thick Spanish accent in the few additional words that she used to explain the meaning. I did hear her say, however, that we should use our intuition in meditating on the meaning of this one.

When I came to the box and picked it up, I found inside a small collection of something like cassette tapes – but I intuitively knew that they were some type of life recordings. As I continued to look into the box, I did not visually see them, but felt the presence of several crystals as well.

Again, I was a little fuzzy on Chaty’s explanation on this one. What I think I heard her say is that the contents of the box are symbolic of our life work – for instance, she did say that if you see crystals, it might mean that part of your path is to be a healer.

When asked to see if there were people around me, I felt is if there were a few people, here and there, scattered on some of the dunes around me (much as there were during my time in Death Valley). They were having fun playing in the sand and I was doing my own thing.

Chaty explained that the people around us in the desert symbolically represent the people around us in our lives. For instance, she indicated that if we did not see any people, it might mean that we are lonely or isolated.

When it came time to climb the steps – the only part of the meditation that I really remembered with any detail – I was wondering if I would feel the same tightness in my throat that I felt last month. Amazingly, my throat was perfectly clear and I had one of the most clear visualizations of the whole meditation. I was climbing the stone steps of a huge pyramid. As I climbed one level, I could more clearly see the unlimited number of steps that seemed to continue appearing above me. I found myself zigzagging back and forth up the steps, as is a spiritual tradition when climbing a pyramid. I felt a deep sense of awe and reverence – reminding me of the time I climbed the Pyramid of the Sun, at Teotihuacan near Mexico City, just nine months ago (the same pyramid where I felt the presence of my parents’ energy).

As I mentioned in my “Speaking My Truth” blog entry last month, the significance of the steps is that they represent our spiritual path. It was during this same meditation that my throat had constricted, telling me that I was not speaking my full truth on my spiritual path. Tonight, my experience gave me a different message: I have an incredible awe-inspiring climb ahead of me. I am ready to begin that climb.

My desert storm was an incredible and powerful thunderstorm, with lots of heavy rain, lightning, and thunder. At first I tried to find shelter to keep my hair and clothes from getting wet (as I usually do in life) – but then I surrendered with giggles and allowed myself to get soaked by the cool refreshing water from heaven – looking toward the clouds and opening my arms to the drenching waters. At the end of the storm, I was overflowing with excited energy from the experience through which I had just passed. I felt anxious to engage in my next adventure.

Chaty explained to us that the storm is symbolic of life’s obstacles. The type of storm and how we felt during and after the storm represent the type of obstacles that we face, and how we typically react to them. If the storm involves water, that symbolizes emotional obstacles. Lightning and thunder represents spiritual obstacles. Wind represents mental obstacles and blowing sand is symbolic of physical ones.

I found tonight’s meditation exercise much more enjoyable as I smiled inside and allowed my intuition and imagination to take over. I am quite pleased with the insights that came my way – although I am now wondering what the mental obstacles (mountains at the edge of my desert) may be, and just what the numbers and size of my dice might mean regarding my ego. I now have a few more items for nighttime meditation tonight.

Wow – it took me two hours to summarize my experience tonight, but I am grateful to have it all recorded – and I definitely feel as if the process has given me additional clarity and insight  … but now it is bedtime.

Thursday, July 1 – 7:10 p.m.

I had a great conversation this morning with Sandra. What an inspiration she is to me on my own path. She shared many personal experiences that literally blew me away.

I have been really enjoying my meditation experiences surrounding the 22 trump (Arcana Major) cards from the Tarot (Rider-Wait version). The symbolism ties into the Kabala Tree of Life in incredible ways, and is beginning to bring the whole Initiatic System to life for me. Today we studied the first six of those cards in more detail.

Tonight, for the second time in my life I saw colors in someone else’s aura. During the second half of evening meditation, we practiced the techniques, and I paired up with Sandra. I saw a beautiful deep purple aura completely surrounding her head. Sandra tells me that she saw portions of blue aura around me, which is right up the alley of learning to speak my truth, and focusing on my channeling/communicating chakra.

I had a couple of very interesting dreams last night, neither of which I will take the time to describe in detail here. The first was of a personal nature, and had to do with the importance of closing a chapter in a former relationship, and the second was a very vivid reminder that I need to practice my techniques to learn how to wake up while still in a dream. Right in the middle of a crazy dream where impossible things were happening, I vividly remember asking myself “am I dreaming” – yet I did not wake up – I stayed in the dream, believing what was happening must be real. At least I was a little closer to the process.

Thursday, July 2 – 6:30 p.m.

I am floating in the clouds with peaceful energy. Tonight in meditation, after our thirty minutes of silent time, Chaty guided us deeper into very slow breathing, had us connect with our inner temple, breathing into the center of our brain, and then had us do something which I literally loved.

For thirty minutes we chanted “Ohm” on our “out” breaths while picturing our inner temple on our “in” breaths. With everyone breathing on different rhythms, the melodic chant was almost continuous – energetically hypnotizing. When meditation was over, everyone in the room remained quite silent, with no one being in a hurry to leave. As I eventually walked back toward my room, I detoured to spend ten minutes in the medicinal garden, connecting with the trees, touching their bark, feeling the energy still vibrating in me, feeling the amazing sensitive energy of the trees connecting with my own.

It was, and still is, an incredibly beautiful experience.

*  *  *  *  *

The last twenty-four hours have been an interesting emotional roller coaster ride – one that I am not quite sure how to delicately address in a public journal – yet I committed that I would write about everything, speaking my truth, and I intend to document my emotional journey fully and honestly.

I have been divorced for almost fourteen years, and feel that I have been excessively honorable in providing financial support to my former wife. Throughout those years, much of my desire to be overly generous was based on guilt – deeply rooted intensely powerful guilt. I think I was subconsciously hoping to free myself from some of that guilt by making sure that my family was able to maintain their former financial lifestyle – even though the act of doing so required considerable personal sacrifice to my own life situation.

In October, 2007, as I was in the process of being laid off from my software engineering job – a job that provided incredible benefits and great financial security – I knew with all my heart that my spiritual path was taking me down a different road – a road which appeared to be quite lean as far as future financial gain is concerned.

Seven months later, after using up the last penny of my severance package, I began the process of selling my home, after which I moved in with my friend Jeanette to save money – yet through it all I have continued to send support payments. I have done so for many reasons.

The main reason is that the promptings of my heart told me to continue for the time being. But another reason – one that was high up on the list – was that I still suffered deep guilt, fear, and anxiety regarding what would happen with my family relationships if I stopped sending money across the fence – even though my children were all fully raised and out of the home.

For many years I have wrestled with this huge emotional demon, this incredible tug-of-war between guilt, fear, logic, and promptings. As I began my travels last year, this internal battle was far from resolved. I knew that I had no source of income and that I would be rapidly working through the money that I got from selling my home. I also knew that I was in no position to continue sending support payments – yet my promptings at the time told me to continue as usual – to simply trust the process.

Last month, during my Moon Course, I had several powerful experiences of a personal nature – including several vivid dreams dealing with guilt and the issue of financial support. The frequency and nature of these dreams surprised me, because the issue had hardly been on my radar for most of the past year. Through all those experiences, a series of deep “knowing” feelings began to resonate in my heart.

Each dream (along with several other experiences) dealt in some related way with the intricate nature of my guilt and the issue of continuing to send financial support. I chose to not write about most of those experiences because they were issues related with family – issues that were difficult to write about without running the risk of hurt feelings.

But my internal sense of “knowing” was quite clear as my Moon Course progressed, telling me that the time to stop support payments was rapidly approaching.

After having come to this difficult realization, I then experienced that unexpected past life regression – the one that I wrote about in my June 9 “Voice of Truth” posting – the one where I was a fisherman in Peru raising a daughter – a daughter that had the energetic presence of my former wife. You may recall that I processed through and released incredible guilt about my need to take care of that little daughter. After that experience, I had believed that my guilt over the issue of financial support was completely dissipated.

Yet I ignored signs and promptings – choosing to postpone, yet-again, awkward conversations and opting to continue support payments because it was the easy thing to do – and because it still seemed the loving thing to do.

Then I had my dream of yesterday morning – the same one that I mentioned briefly last night but chose to not discuss publicly. After that dream, I was quite sick to my stomach (with emotional fear) because I knew without any doubt that NOW was the time to initiate the communications regarding cessation of support payments.

I again avoided the issue throughout most of yesterday, hoping the promptings would go away. But last night, realizing that spirit was not going to let me run away on this one – realizing that continued spiritual progress with my Sun Course depends on me facing this fear – I finally sat down and typed out an email. I had already written the majority of the text at 12:30 a.m., just after the dream itself – text that had been, for the most part, channeled through me at that time.

Last night, as I finished editing that difficult email, reading and re-reading every word several times, I sat and stared blankly at the send button. Yes, the letter was written from a perspective of deep love – yet I was terrified to move forward – and no, I did not want to proceed with the next step. Finally, several minutes later, after holding my breath, I clicked “Send”.

Almost immediately, I panicked, feeling a wave of gut-wrenching fear and anxiety rush through my body.

I lay down on my bed, feeling the once-familiar sensations of a panic attack. As I began to feel the emotional terror surface in my physical body, I was suddenly taken back to the intense guilt emotion of last month’s past life regression as a fisherman in Peru. With my pillow over my face, I began sobbing once again – my jaw and belly shaking violently for several minutes.

After releasing the emotion, followed by a brief phone conversation with my dear friend Michelle, I immersed myself in meditation. I was finally able to return to a peaceful, loving, spiritually-centered, state – enjoying a restful night.

This afternoon, wondering if my email had even been read, I made a phone call. I left a voice message on my old home phone number, asking my former spouse to please check her email – asking her to read with love and an open heart, and to then respond.

As I hung up the phone, I again found myself returning to a state of panic. Again, I meditated to re-center myself. I once again feel spiritual grounded, yet there is no doubt in my mind that I still have more growth to face as this story unfolds.

Over the past twenty four hours, I feel as if I have begun to exercise a demon from my soul. Each time I think about the issue, that twinge of fear and panic tries to wedge itself back into my soul. Each time this happens, I meditate and peacefully escort that fear and panic back into nothingness. Even now, as I write these emotions, that fear is banging on the door of my mind, trying to push its way back inside. It is now time to do some more meditation.

I have faced deep debilitating fears with a loving heart. I have no idea of what the outcome will be, but I know without any doubts that I have done exactly what spirit prompted me to do, and I know that whatever happens will be a beautiful growth-filled experience for all involved.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Tuesday, June 22 – 6:50 p.m.

I moved into my new temporary home today. It is pyramid #2 – a delightful little pyramid that is about twelve feet square at the base, and perhaps eight feet tall in the exact center. I love my new home – it is clean, comfortable, dry, and it is all mine for the next three months. I was scheduled to have a different dwelling – one that wasn’t a pyramid – but right before my Moon Course ended Irma put me on a waiting list for this pyramid just in case the girl who had scheduled it did not show up. All along, I have had a very peaceful feeling that I would be right here come June 22^nd – but I didn’t want to jinx it by saying anything.

In fact, I almost lost this pyramid yesterday. My new friend Sandra told me that she had also indicated to Irma that she would like this particular pyramid if her friend did not come – but Irma had never written that request down. I told Sandra that the room was rightfully hers, and we went together to talk to Irma to communicate our intent – but before we could do so, Irma told us that she had talked to Chaty, and that Chaty wants me to have pyramid #2.

Go figure … I gave it away and it was given right back to me. I would have been content no matter how things worked out – but I am thrilled to have the pyramid dwelling. My little pyramid has a window, a small table, a chair, a twin bed (low to the floor), a tiny set of shelves for clothing, and a warm feeling of home. I simply ignore the fact that my door has many open-air spaces around the edges. This new temporary home is much more air-tight than was my guest house in the Mayan village of Santa Elena.

*  *  *  *  *

Every Sun Course overlaps with the endings of three separate Moon Courses – and the last five (or six in my case) days of each Moon Course is a silent retreat. Whenever a Moon Course is in silence, the Sun Course automatically joins them. As I mentioned yesterday, this particular Sun Course is a very unique one in that we are the first ever to start on the exact day that another Moon Course is beginning their retreat. What I did not realize until yesterday, however, is that during the first such “overlapping retreat”, the Sun Course completes the exact same five day intensive meditation processes that we did at the Moon Course.

Given that I just finished this identical retreat only twenty-nine days ago, rather than start from scratch I decided to take advantage of my previous meditations – reviewing what I had written each day and then meditating on the same points.

Today, our task was to meditate on the four elements as they are connected to an area of our life: earth being equated to physical, water being equated to emotional, air being equated to mental, and fire being equated to spiritual. We were also assigned a location to perform each meditation: the earth/physical meditation would be done in the medicinal garden, the water/emotional meditation by the lake, the air/mental meditation in our rooms, and the fire/spirit meditation in the large pyramid temple.

After meditating on each element/area of our life, we were then assigned to select a single word that describes our ideal state in this area of our life.

Today, as I repeated these four meditations, and as I read through my notes from Sunday, May 23, 2010, I felt prompted to transcribe those exact older notes here in my Journal. I decided to title this little segment: Elemental Thoughts. I apologize in advance. I would have loved to turn all of these writings into a concise, well-thought-out, non-redundant blog posting. But instead, I am posting the raw ramblings of my mind.

Elemental Thoughts

Earth/Physical

(I wrote this first section in the medicinal garden at Las Piramides. I was meditating on the element earth as it relates to the physical realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my physical body?)

I understand that this entire universe – everything physical – including my body – is just a mental projection. But even so, I believe that spiritually awakening to a full understanding of this true reality will be much easier with a body that is fit and healthy, energized and filled with vitality.

While I believe that my body is a projection of the mind – I also recognize that as long as I doubt that belief – even in the slightest – that it is somewhat OK to “mess with the movie screen” so to say – to play around with the projected image rather than the projector itself.

Deep down, however, I believe the mind is the projector, and it is the mind’s healing – not nutrition, exercise, medications, etc, – that produces the ultimate healing.

With all of the above understood, my ideal physical body (with no attachment or expectations of outcome) would be healthy, filled with energy, being strong, flexible, balanced, and toned. My organs will all function efficiently as part of the whole – skin, eyes, nose, lungs, heart, liver, kidneys, pancreas, stomach, intestines, glands, hormone levels, thyroid, pituitary, feet, knees, knuckles, elbows, shoulders, all joints, and all muscles – all working as one for the good of the whole body.

With all this said, I still believe the mind/spiritual healing is the key to bringing this balance and vigor. Energy comes from spiritual connection.

For me, flexibility is my most desired trait, along with balanced muscle strength to flow through that flexibility. As long as I doubt, nutrition will also play a role. But again, I have no attachment to any of this. I believe my body will be an adequate vehicle for my spiritual mission – whatever it may be – and that things are all for my good and growth (3^rd degree burns, bladder problems, etc…) – all are manifestations of energy.

But a part of me also says: “Don’t use unhealthy denial” – I AM IN THIS WORLD TODAY. Even though it is a projection, I am here now, and physical laws apply until I transcend them to higher laws.

(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “VITALITY” as the one word which defines my ideal physical state.)

Physical versus emotional – earth versus water

(After moving to some rocks at the edge of the lake – before beginning my water meditation – I felt prompted to write this intermediary section blending the earth/water analogies.)

The earth is very hard and strong, yet many portions are soft, sandy, and blow with the wind. Even the hard parts shift and move as water penetrates and freezes, breaking apart our bodies, just as emotional stress poisons us from within.

Likewise, flash floods of emotion (water) move physical matter in powerful ways – moving not just sand and soil, but moving rocks, logs, homes, cars, and everything in its way. Emotional outbursts can be like extremely powerful flash floods – either life-changing or life-destroying – both are the same seen only from different perspectives. Even flowing waters, steady as a wide powerful river, slowly transform the world.

Earth changes – physical changes – both with time and emotion. When sheltered from out-of-control emotions, earth remains more constant, more stable – but always shifts with the tides.

I want to change and evolve with the grace of gentle tides and peaceful-but-powerful rivers, sometimes covered with gentle snow, other times basking in spiritual sun.

Water/Emotional

(I wrote this second section while sitting on some rocks after having gone swimming in the waters of Lake Atitlan. I was meditating on the element water as it relates to the emotional realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my emotional body?)

As I approach the water I first notice a Mayan woman washing clothes in my pristine emotional spot – my rocks by the water.

“How dare she?” I ask. “She is polluting my water – not just with soap and soil – but with her very presence in my spot.”

Soon, I repent and forgive myself for the thoughts as I instead find another spot, just as beautiful – with similar access to the gentle waters of Lake Atitlan.

As I slip into the cool waters and gently swim away from shore, I notice someone else looking for a spot to sit. I feel a twinge of defensiveness as I watch him glance down below where my cover-up swim dress, water bottle, and notebook are kept. Then ego swims away. I am not attached.

I feel the cool, almost-glassy waters flowing all around me. I realize how all-encompassing the water (emotion) is. It flows everywhere, always achieving balance, always filling in every little space below.

Yet the water knows no obstacles. It flows over, around, or through anything and everything in its path.

If I lean back and relax in gentle peaceful breath, the smooth water (emotion) supports my weight, gently rocking me like a baby.

As I sit here on the shore, watching the waters, they are now slightly rougher, more unsettled. I can only imagine that trying to gently float in these waters would be slightly less enjoyable – more rough – water in eyes and in mouth – the emotion would make it difficult to relax, to simply be.

Now as I watch two fellow “Moonies” (participants in the Moon Course) just feet away, I wonder whose space I am in. I realize that there are no “spaces” per se – we all swim in each others’ emotional spaces all the time.

The question is why do we swim in the emotions of others? We don’t need to be affected by them. If we are deeply emotionally balanced and healed, our own waters will be calm. Our influence helps to calm the waters of the lake around us. Our stability is unaffected by the winds and boats that pass through our waters. Yes, there will be waves in the lake of others, but our own waters will remain calm – calming to everything around us.

Just as with a thunderstorm, bottled up, unexpressed, unresolved emotions can literally destroy us if not dealt with.

Emotion is a constant. The rains cycle, the rivers flow, the oceans give and take with the tides – but when no obstacles are in the way of the waters (emotions), they flow gently and smoothly.

If the water (emotions) is in very high places, it flows rapidly, often crashing and tumbling toward the vast ocean waters. If the water is in low places, it becomes stagnant, gathering salts and not supporting life. It is smooth gentle water that flows most peacefully – evenly balanced – not too high – not too low.

Removing the obstacles allows the emotion to flow in and then flow out – with ease and balance.

When removed from external influence the waters return to a smooth, glassy, mirror-like surface, beautifully reflecting nature around us.

When churned up, the waters are incapable of reflecting that beauty.

Healthy, happy, peaceful emotion is that which is allowed to flow freely – to be expressed as it gently comes up, and to then flow gently onward – un-owned and un-possessed.

Emotion happens – allow it to flow through my very core – but be the impartial observer – allow it to continue on its slow journey downstream without grabbing on to it and making it my own.

In a calm, clear, spiritually connected mind, my emotions can be clear as glass – beautiful and peaceful. Boats, storms, winds, or even the rough movements of others, have no influence.

What goes up will come down … what goes down will come up … that which finds equilibrium and balance will be quiet and peaceful.

(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “PEACEFUL” as the one word which defines my ideal emotional state.)

Air/Mental

(I wrote this third section while sitting in my room. I was meditating on the element air as it relates to the mental realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my mental body?)

As I sit in my room, my private space so to say, I recognize that my mind is very similar.

First of all, I believe it is my own private space (mind), but it is obvious that many people have lived here before, and others will definitely live here in the future. My experience in this space is not unique, and it is not altogether private. I have the occasional visitor, and the energy of the room collects mental energy from others. I bring it in with me and I fail to cleanse it. If this room is as the earth – a mental projection – then so is what I believe my “small” and “separate” mind to be. “My separate mind” is also merely a projected illusion – it is not true – it is not who I really am. I am the observer – the awareness of the separate mind – not the thoughts themselves.

Second, this room has walls and windows and a roof – designed presumably for two purposes. One is to protect my room (mind) from the outside elements – rain (water), wind (air), smoke (air/fire), and falling avocados (earth). (Note: huge avocado trees tower above many dwellings here at the pyramids, and the avocados frequently fall with powerful force.)

In my mind – my “small” mental world – I also have erected walls, doors, windows, and roofs around what I believe to be my own private/separate thoughts. I did this for thirty years to keep family and friends from knowing about my intense gender struggles. I continue to do it today – being hesitant to fully speak my truth for fear of outside judgment. My decision to speak full truth has been made. Now all that remains is the demolition of the walls.

Windows and doors provide opportunities for mental sharing, but I often close them to be alone with myself – for privacy – but also for protection when I am tired or weak.

My room can be quite messy and disorganized, as can be my mental world – cluttered and chaotic.

My room can be neat, clean, organized, with everything in its place – just as my mind can be.

I can open my windows and let in the sunshine or fresh air – or I can close my windows and allow the air and my heart to go stale. In my mental world I can do the same – remaining stagnant, or opening my mind to new growth and ideas.

My room can be brightly lit, it can have a fan, music, carpeting, flowers, paintings, poetry, art, creation … – or – my room can be dark, stale air, with bare concrete walls and floors – having no heat, no creativity, and no growth. I choose the creative, vibrant expression of unique self – divinity within.

My room contains clothing, as does my mind – I often dress up my thinking, sometimes to beautify, sometimes to camouflage. I often dress down, feeling no desire to look pretty in a fake sort of way. I can let my true beauty speak for itself.

Rooms have closets in which to hide things – clutter, disorder, chaos, crowding – or in which to store things that have a present purpose in my life. I need so little of the cluttered chaos that used to be in my closets.

In our mind we also have closets in which I used to carry around lifetimes of “what if’s” – What if I might want this someday – What if I let go of this unused junk?

Likewise, our rooms have drawers to store things. Mine used to be filled with stuff. Now I live out of a back pack – I have everything I could possibly need or want 99% of the time. If I don’t, I can buy it and then give it away when it is no longer needed.

As above so below – my mental room needs to be clean, creative, free from all unnecessary possessions and/or clutter that serves no loving/living purpose. My mental space needs to be filled with love, with the doors and windows flung wide open for sharing – or with them momentarily closed for resting – no hoarding of thoughts, emotions, fears, grudges, or stale beliefs that no longer serve me. My room (mind) needs to be living, growing, changing, ever rising in vibration, always flowing to new while releasing the old.

My room is pure connection to the light – the divine light – growing within my ever opening awareness.

(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “OPENNESS” as the one word which defines my ideal mental state.)

Fire/Spiritual

(I wrote this final section while sitting in front of a burning candle in the large pyramid temple. I was meditating on the element fire as it relates to the spiritual realm – asking the question: What is my ideal for my spiritual body?)

Fire transforms that which is physical, converting it into energy – brilliant, glowing, radiating, heat-filled, light – the higher energy of the physical world. It transforms wax into liquid, water/ice into steam, wood into energy, metal into liquid, etc… It changes one element into another lighter element – into air, energy, liquid, etc…, – just as spiritual alchemy changes lower vibrations into higher vibrations.

Fire purifies, sterilizes, and freely shines its light in all directions, holding nothing back for itself. Spirit does likewise.

Fire rises up toward the heavens. Spirit rises up toward the heavens.

Fire vibrates at a very high energy. Spirit too.

Fire can create or destroy, but both are the same, as what appears to be destruction is really creation of something new as well – the definition is in the eye of the beholder – all perception. The concept of destruction is 100% based on attachment to something as it is now.

Fire’s heat spreads evenly in all directions.

When fire is brightest, hottest – it is clearest and gives no smoke. When its breathing is restricted or its fuel restricted/impure – it gives off smoke. When conditions are pure, spirit shines the brightest – when conditions are restricted it does not seem to be so (in our perception). But the filter is in our own eyes, beliefs, perceptions. Spirit always shines brightly whether we perceive it or not.

Fire dances – spirit dances – ever moving.

Fire does not discriminate – neither does spirit.

Light shines on our ideals; it shines on what seems to be our physical reality. It shines on our actions that seem to be positive or negative – making no judgments, showing no prejudice. It simply shines for all to see.

(After recording the above during this meditation, I selected “ENLIGHTENMENT” as the one word which defines my ideal spiritual state.)

*  *  *  *  *

And now, back to the present …

Wednesday, June 23 – 7:20 p.m.

It has been another long day of meditations. For some reason, I have felt quite detached and flat today – not fully immersed in what I am doing. On a positive note though, I had a reasonably positive experience with the Archangel cards that we chose in meditation last night, and which we looked up this morning. It really helped me to have a better attitude after I read in the “Mystical Qabalah” that in the eyes of the author, concepts such as angels and archangels (at their true essence) are only mental projections as well – symbolically representing spiritual concepts.

Today’s lengthy meditation tasks were essentially the same as yesterday, except that the question was slightly different. We were to meditate on the question “If my ideal for X is Y, how am I doing now?”

Just as I did yesterday, I used my meditation notes from Monday, May 24, 2010 as the basis for today’s meditation. I apologize for anyone reading this – as this is quite wordy – but this is my journal and I have a strong desire to transcribe last month’s notes into my journal in order to preserve them.

With each category, we were assigned to rate our current state on a scale of 1 to 10. I have opted to not include my numbers here in my journal, because they are constantly shifting, and are actually quite impossible to capture on a subjective basis – as my goals are not very measurable in this physical realm. Instead, I rated my genuine sincerity level – which was a 7 on the physical realm, and a 10 on the others.

Following are my notes from May 24.

If my ideal for my physical body is “Vitality”, how am I doing now?

First of all, to me, vitality represents health, energy, flexibility, strength, and vigor.

If I compare myself to me at age twenty, I am nowhere near what I used to be with regards to strength and flexibility – yet in many ways, I have more energy and vigor today than I have ever had. While it is not at its prime state, I actually consider my current health to be the best it has been in fifteen years.

If I compare myself to other 55 year old women, I feel that my vitality is right up there at the top.

But – this is not about comparisons to others, or comparisons to myself in years past – this is about me, now, today – my physical body as it serves my spiritual purpose.

Just as I emphasized yesterday, I am completely unattached to how my body “should” be – that is not for me to know or to plan.

But I can do things to honor and to respect my physical temple. I can eat foods that help make me feel energized and vibrant. I can perform exercises that balance me both spiritually and physically at the same time; I can get adequate sleep to rest my physical brain.

But – above all – I embrace the belief that the best approach to physical vitality is to open and heal my spiritual mind – and then honor promptings.

That is why I am here today – a long standing realization that Yoga (flexibility/strength) and meditation (spiritual connection/insight) are both crucial to my mission.

Am I going to plan and set goals? NO – not unless my spiritual promptings tell me to do so.

Am I going to be increasingly respectful of this projected physical temple? YES, absolutely.

My goal is not a plan or a formula. My goal is to be in tune with guidance … period.

I have a strong inner feeling hat I will live a long healthy life. I trust loving guidance to show me the way on my physical journey. I will honor my body, care for my body as spirit directs … BUT I will not buy into earthly belief systems that dictate fixing the movie screen rather than the projector.

If my ideal is to have emotional “Peacefulness”, how am I doing now?

Today as I floated in the lake on my back, connecting with the balance, the waves were just ripples, gently and calmly moving me ever so slightly up and down.

As a boat buzzed by, leaving a big wake (one to two feet), I barely felt the gentle rocking of the water as I continued to float peacefully up and down – but I noted that if I had been clinging to the “safety” of the rocks at the shoreline, I would have been tossed to and fro by the waves – probably slipping, skinning a knee, bumping an elbow, or hitting my head.

The same is true of an ocean. When balanced in deep-water high rolling waves, allowing the energy to flow all around me, I simply feel a peaceful up and down gentle rocking.

But the stronger my attachments are to the shallow sandy shore – or the firm security of rocks – the more wildly the emotional waves crash around me – even possibly killing me against sharp rocks.

Having no attachments frees me to be in the middle of the sea, gently absorbing even large waves.

As far as where I am today – in my current life – with regards to achieving emotional peace – I believe I am really close.

Yes, I still get blindsided by the occasional unexpected wave that momentarily knocks me for a loop – but I know how to deal with it quickly and efficiently – turning every experience into love and growth.

Yes, I still have buried, suppressed emotions occasionally come up, but I am willing and eager to swim out into them, to let them fully engulf me as they move through me and then flow out of my life.

Yes, I feel very peaceful – well on my way toward achieving balanced, fully resolved emotions – emotions observed but not owned (for long) – and in allowing emotions to flow gently, unobstructed.

If my ideal is to have mental “Openness”, how am I doing now?

Just the fact that I am doing what I am doing now is a big high five that I am already striving for openness.

My Guatemala theme has been consistently telling me to “Forget everything you know – and – Lower your defenses.”

While I have met internal resistance many times along the way, I believe my willingness to open my mind has been stellar.

The significance of “openness” to me is: clarity, creativity, releasing stale beliefs, embracing new growth, having no attachments, being the observer, connection to divine light, and traveling lightly.

In the area of mental clarity, I am well on my way – but it is impossible to say a number between one and ten because I am always increasing in clarity while at the same time recognizing my previous lack of clarity. This is definitely a process. I am 100% committed to this lifelong process.

In the area of mental creativity, I have just begun this great adventure with my writing – both my book and my blog. This week with my paper meditation pyramids, I did them my way with no fear over what others might think. Wonderful! I have so much creativity yearning to get out – to be manifest – and I feel it has all been waiting for me to learn to have the courage to SPEAK MY TRUTH. I am now there, on the starting blocks of releasing fear of others’ opinions.

In the area of releasing stale beliefs, I am on a constant treasure hunt to discover what those beliefs are and to put them under a microscope. Yes, my willingness is enthusiastically at 100% — but my clarity and self examinations are still in process.

In the area of embracing new growth, I am right at my peak here in this retreat – willingly placing my “A Course In Miracles” teachings on the sidelines (but not abandoning their truth) while tiptoeing into the realm of the Kabala, Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, Kyballian, Alchemy, and The Emerald Tablet.

I am also eagerly embracing my practice of lucid dreams and astral travel.

In the area of no attachments, this is an exciting safari. I have already let go of so much in my life – and the freedom is amazing – but I continue to identify smaller attachments as they surface.

In the area of being the observer, I am getting ever more skillful at the process of removing me from the attachment, stepping back, and just watching my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

In the area of connection to divine light, I recognize many incredible connections in the past. I also know that I must have a continual weak connection (mostly), because when I lose that connection I feel devastated, as if I lost internet connection to my soul. I do recognize, however, that my connection could be much stronger. I started out on a “dial-up modem”, am now on a very slow “DSL line” – but would love to develop speeds and bandwidth of a high-speed broadband or trunk line.

In the area of traveling lightly, I have proven that I can do this physically, and I am increasingly doing it both emotionally and spiritually, removing unneeded beliefs, perceptions, baggage, etc…, increasingly letting go of unwanted baggage in my imaginary backpack as well.

With regard to my spiritual ideal of being “Enlightened”, how am I doing now?

As I stare at my quiet candle flame, I observe it gently drift with the forces of invisible air currents – the heat/glow of the flame leaning off to one side.

Do mental/spiritual winds blow my spiritual candle slightly off to one side? What does it take to burn pure, straight, reaching directly toward the heavens from a balanced and centered state – with no distractions, no deviations?

To me, spiritual enlightenment signifies transcendence, transformation to higher vibrations, spiritual alchemy, purification, awakening, divine perception, and dancing energy – among other things.

In the area of transcendence, I am not quite sure exactly what I mean. I believe it means to rise above, to overcome, and to vanquish obstacles in a path toward greater spiritual connectedness and attunement. I believe I have transcended countless obstacles in my spiritual path to date. I am learning to love unconditionally one person and one experience at a time. I am learning to release attachments, one belonging (or belief) at a time. I am feeling so free in my journey – a journey that felt as if it began in the face of incredibly daunting odds – odds that felt as if they were insurmountable, stacked against me.

But here I am, today, right here, right now – still mortal, still learning, still growing – but I am so deeply empowered, energized, courageous, and unattached that I cannot be held back.

In the area of transformation to higher energy vibrations, I am doing this one emotion at a time, one belief at a time, one step at a time – and the transformations have been beautiful, amazing, indescribable, filled with abundant pure love and grace. I am so deeply grateful for the transformation in my life – at so many levels and dimensions.

In the case of spiritual alchemy, I see this as transforming heavy emotions, fears, doubts, judgments – transforming them all into the gold of Unconditional Love. While I recognize I am on a path that continues to climb higher and higher into the clouds, my progress is genuine, sincere, and amazing. I could never say where I am in the climb – I only know that I feel like an infant leaving the crib while at the same time I am enjoying beautiful vistas from the highest mountain tops. I will never stop climbing.

In the case of purification, I can only say “ditto” to previous comments. I cannot fathom my goal – but the journey is genuine, pure, and beautiful.

In the case of awakening, I am so much more awake than I have ever been – yet I wonder – how does one measure how asleep they still are? It is a genuine, beautiful journey.

In the case of divine perceptions, my journey for years has been all about shifting perceptions from fear to love – learning to see the world as my personal projection. I am light-years ahead of where I was even six years ago – but who is to say what distance remains?

In the case of dancing energy, it is the dancing that I wish to emphasize – this journey to enlightenment is a joyful, energizing, playful, revitalizing, unforgettable dance with the infinite. I am learning to let Spirit lead while I try to learn the steps and surrender to His lead. I am sometimes two left feet, tripping over my own good intentions.

But amazingly, I feel as if I am finally learning how to dance, how to flow with grace and ease – and joy – from one complicated step to the next …

And the music is beautiful.

*  *  *  *  *

It has been a long day today. It took me just over an hour to transcribe today’s notes from my Moon course of nearly a month ago. As I finish the task, I no longer feel flat – I feel re-energized – ready go back out onto the dance floor – ready to dance another dance with life. I love how meditative writing always reenergizes me.

Thursday, June 24 – 7:15 p.m.

I started out today feeling flat and tired, yet again. I have felt as if I were going through the motions of doing what I am supposed to be doing during these five days of silence – but this morning my heart was running in neutral. Nevertheless, I jump-started myself and pushed forward.

As with the previous two days, today we again meditated on the same general areas, in the same locations, but our question was “If my ideal for X is Y, what do I need to do to get there?” Again, I used meditation notes from Tuesday, May 25, and I would like to share portions of those notes here.

If my ideal for my physical body is “Vitality”, what do I need to do to achieve it?

I believe vitality comes from a healthy and nourished spiritual connection to the infinite Mind. Vitality is merely a projection of the mind.

Nevertheless, I will follow promptings, as given, to care for this physical temple with love. Currently I feel prompted to learn and to begin a consistent yoga practice – mainly for flexibility and breathing with an added side effect of strength. I also engage in hiking, biking, backpacking, and swimming – as prompted.

I will make NO ego based plans here to fix the movie screen. I will fix the projector. I stand firm here in my promptings.

My physical world wants me to focus on presence – smelling leaves and flowers, touching plants, trees, and rocks, feeling their texture and energy,  tasting the savors of foods and liquids, seeing the intricate beauty of everything around me, listening to the sounds that echo through the trees.

Presence is the key to vitality.

Forgiveness, non-attachment, and non-judgment are the keys to vitality.

Love is the key to vitality.

Divine Dancing is the key to vitality.

In other words, emotional, mental, and spiritual ideals are the keys to physical ideals – as the physical is only a projection.

If my ideal emotional state is “Peaceful”, what do I need to do to achieve peace?

For the most part I have already approximated a state of peace. I am very aware of past history, however, and recognize that many situations, especially those involving relationships, have stabbed my peace in the heart.

Each time, however, I have remained true to my wisdom and have fully resolved my emotional tantrum by looking within, taking ownership of my emotions, beliefs, and judgments – shifting them into love and forgiveness of my own projections.

In order to remain in my emotional ideal of peace, I need to be constantly vigilant of internal judgments and feelings – continuing to genuinely do “The Work” (of Byron Katie), always turning everything around with “me as the projector”.

I have no doubts that emotions will continue to surface in my life, but I also have no doubts that I will deal with each and every one – bringing full healing with gratitude for the opportunity to further heal.

If my ideal mental state is “Openness”, what do I need to do to achieve it?

I believe the most critical element here is to continue learning to have no attachments, releasing stale beliefs and possessions, replacing them with new ideas, new growth, new learning, and new creativity.

Attachments keep me stuck in the past, keeping me from having space for anything now.

Not owning feelings, emotions, and situations is also critical – allowing them to flow in, and to then flow out, without personally possessing them.

This step is so integrally tied into my spiritual path that I have a difficult time separating out physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual – only spiritual is real – the others are all projections.

If my ideal is to have spiritual “Enlightenment”, what do I need to do?

This is the key question – the only question that makes sense for today.

All day today I have felt “off”. I have maintained peace and a positive attitude as the observer – but I have felt slightly unsettled in the process, slightly feeling the urge to judge, slightly disconnected – but still observing.

Even remaining in observing mode, however, I have felt the ego emotions trying to sap my strength, my resolve. It is time to reconnect with fire, with the light, with spirit, and with me.

What do I need to do?

I need to uncover every unresolved emotion, good or bad, and bring it to the light.

I need to examine every belief and bring it to the light.

I need to identify every judgment and reflect it in a mirror, bringing it to the light.

I need to lose myself, my ego identity.

I need to draw closer to divine energy through yoga and meditation.

I need to listen to my Spiritual Guides at 3:00 a.m..

I need to learn to astral travel … why? I don’t know.

I need to release attachments – but only ALL of them.

I need to smile more, and to play more.

I need to forget everything I know.

I need to lower my defenses.

And now, back to the present once again …

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation I began in the same manner as I have done throughout the previous three nights – struggling to focus – struggling to quiet my racing mind – feeling disconnected from the light – feeling meditatively challenged – feeling as if I were spinning my wheels and wasting my time.

But my intent and desires were pure. As I continued ignoring the constant stream of pestering thoughts, I suddenly found myself activated in a deeper state of consciousness – a state that once reached I found quite familiar. In this heavily relaxed state, I felt as if my left-brain was mostly quiet, and I was floating peacefully in my more intuitive side.

With today being day three of our retreat, the second half of meditation was focused on oracle cards – with tonight’s cards representing a set of seven different spiritual gifts. Four separate decks of the same seven cards were shuffled and spread out – one deck at each corner of the small pyramid in the center of the larger pyramid temple. With each of us taking turns, we would be drawing one card from each deck – one for “physical”, one for “emotional”, one for “mental”, and one for “spiritual”.

During my last retreat, on Tuesday May 25, I had felt a strong prompting that the “Channeling” card would come up. I have long felt very strong intuition that channeling is a gift that I need to develop and incorporate more fully into my life.

To my disappointment, on that long-ago Tuesday evening, channeling did not come up once in any of my four categories. But as I look back on that particular evening, I also remember having been slightly frustrated and spiritually disconnected. It was the very next morning that I had gone up on the hillside to reconnect with spirit in my own way.

Tonight, as we began our oracle card selections, I was feeling deeply spiritually connected. When I took my turn at the middle of the room, I was quite pleased when the first card that I selected for the physical realm was the spiritual gift of “channeling”. I then moved on to the next deck, representing the emotional realm. To my surprise, after following deep intuitions, I again drew the same “channeling” card. As I moved on to the third deck, representing the mental realm, I was shocked when after carefully connecting with my feelings, I again randomly selected the “channeling” card.

As I approached the fourth deck, representing the spiritual realm, I was eerily wondering if the “channeling” card would come up four times in a row, but in this fourth deck I selected the “healing” card.

My mathematical/statistical skills are quite rusty, but if memory serves me, the odds of randomly selecting three “channeling” cards in a row would be about 1 chance out of 343 (7 x 7 x 7) possible choices. I could only giggle as I contemplated that the Universe was confirming to me that yes, “Channeling” is an important part of my future. I also find it quite comforting to recognize the importance of being spiritually/meditatively connected when following intuition.

I don’t necessarily see tonight’s oracle card session as anything other than a fun message from spirit. No matter what cards I had drawn, I would still have known that “channeling” is an important part of my path – but in some special way, tonight’s experience had a way of energizing my resolve to immerse myself more fully in the Sun Course retreat – to lower my defenses – to forget everything I know – and to believe in the possibilities.

Friday, June 25 – 7:00 p.m.

Over the past few days, I have started to collect extremely itchy bug bites again – on my hips, belly, back, under my left ear, right elbow, etc. I haven’t decided yet what I will do with my special collection, other than scratch and itch – plus practice self-control.

I’m definitely not following the letter of the law when it comes to silence during these past four days. Strictly speaking, I’m not supposed to speak at all. In a more comprehensive spirit of the law interpretation, I am not supposed to communicate with others in any way – I am supposed to be with me and myself, period. This also includes not listening to music and not reading books for distraction, etc…

I believe that I am mostly following the spirit of the law – but I am finding it necessary to talk occasionally – ever so briefly – during my lunch meals. I am eating in various restaurants that do not know that I am in silence. It is pretty awkward to order food without communicating with the waitress. I could try writing notes, but I see absolutely no difference between writing a note and simply speaking the words – both are simple forms of communication – I feel that both are the same in the eyes of spirit. So yes, I am silent ninety-nine percent of the time, but I am not being obsessive about rules.

I rather like the silence. In the past year, I have had many a day when I was by myself and I hardly spoke to another living soul. It is a great way to go deeper – to connect with spirit – to connect with my soul. One problem, however, is that I am taking things too seriously and forgetting to smile again. I constantly find myself needing to remind myself to lighten up, smile a big smile, and to fill my heart with peaceful and joyful feelings of unconditional love.

Today, our meditation assignments were once again quite similar, but our questions for the day dealt with the obstacles that prevent us from reaching our ideals. As I have been doing all week, I found my notes from last month quite appropriate, and rather than making new ones, I have simply meditated on the old ones. Again, I feel a desire to record these old notes in my journal.

What is it that stops me from progressing toward my physical ideal of “Vitality”?

Sleep battles – unexplainable resistance to getting up on mornings when I have no commitments to others.

Beliefs about the dream/illusory nature of this physical world – believing it is a mental projection, and that the source of my vitality is in the mental/spiritual realms. Is this unhealthy denial?

Exercise for me has never been fun by myself (except for hiking), and I resist the commitment of time and money toward a gymnasium.

Other priorities, often of a spiritual nature, call for my time and focus.

Resistance/laziness – sometimes I just prefer downtime.

What is it that stops me from progressing toward my emotional ideal of “Peacefulness”?

Judgment and projection – it is still so easy to begin to blame someone else for how I’m feeling.

Attachment to the way something “ought” to be, “should” be, or “shouldn’t” be. This is probably the number one item that comes up in my present journey as I come across such a wide variety of behaviors and cultures.

Beliefs from long ago that no longer serve me, that grab me, holding me stuck in the past. “I see only the past” (from A Course In Miracles).

Confusion – “I am never upset for the reason I think.” (from A Course In Miracles).

But one thing is sure. I am 100% committed and growing one stumble at a time.

What is it that stops me from progressing toward my mental ideal of “Openness”?

Comfort zone / status quo – It feels very comfortable to live in the known and to ignore ideas that are new and different.

Thinking I know something keeps me from looking at other alternatives.

Shyness keeps me from exploring some people and/or cultural options.

Living in the past – if I have an old prompting, it is easy to think or believe that it still applies to today also – and I stop asking for new guidance.

Failure to ask for new guidance.

Lack of curiosity about new ideas and things.

Jumping to conclusions based on appearance – before connecting.

Judgment (my own) shuts me down in an instant.

Lack of centeredness keeps me spiritual closed down.

What is it that stops me from progressing toward my spiritual ideal of “Enlightenment”?

It is a process through which I am passing as rapidly as my inner guidance carries me. My intent is genuine and pure, but I know I could maybe do more …

Fear of being enlightened and what that might subsequently change in my life.

Doubts about my abilities and worthiness.

Separation thoughts – ego still lives in me, wanting a separate identity.

Judgmental reactions – ever so smaller, but just as impeding and potent.

Experiences – it is not more head knowledge that I need – it is more personal experiences with the divine.

Time – I can only progress at the rate that promptings are given to me.

Lack of constant focus.

I am too serious.

I cannot plan enlightenment. The only way to get there is to surrender personal identity and allow spirit to guide and flow through me in every instant.

Tiredness / laziness / discouragement could all be seen as obstacles, but they are really just manifestations of feeling disconnected from the light.

The only real obstacle is being disconnected from the light.

Sunday, June 27 – 9:15 a.m.

The retreat officially ended last night in a beautiful ceremony in the main pyramid temple. There were over thirty of us, all dressed in white, crowded into the temple. Eight of us who are just beginning the Sun course were seated around the center circle of the pyramid, while graduating members of the present Moon course, previous Sun Course members, and staff were all spread around the outside circle of the room.

I find it hard to believe that this week has gone so quickly. Today is a free day – no yoga, and tonight’s meditation is just for the new Moon Course that begins today.

Much of yesterday was spent in dealing with my growing problem with alien bug invaders. As of yesterday morning, I had almost fifty horribly itching bites spread around various parts of my body. I finally approached Irma in the office and wrote her a note about my bites while showing her some of the worst ones on my right arm and legs.

Within ten minutes my mattress was outside on the lawn, being sprayed with bug spray. As I went back an hour later to smell the mattress, I realized that the unpleasant scent would still be quite strong, even by evening – so I boldly asked Irma (via a note) if it would be possible to swap mattresses with a different and currently empty room. She resisted at first, but finally gave in to my request.

Early yesterday afternoon, I researched bed bugs at the internet café. I believe that is what has been biting me. Using my blow dryer on its highest settings, I carefully applied extreme heat to the wooden bed frame in my room, hotly cooking all of the cracks and crevasses, hoping to kill any eggs that might be hiding there.

But now I have a different intuition which is telling me the problem was not my mattress or bed frame at all.

Mid-way through the Moon Course, I had been cold at night and had taken a second blanket from a stash of unused blankets in the building where I was staying. For several days, I noticed that I was beginning to get new bug bites. At that time, I had an intuitive feeling to get rid of my second (newly acquired) blanket, and as soon as I did so, my bites had ceased.

Yesterday, Irma and Maria took away my old bedding, including a white and fluffy – but worn out – flimsy cotton quilt. Memory and intuition now tell me that this is the same batting-filled quilt that I had used for a few days during the Moon Course when I was beginning to get bitten. I think the bed bugs could be living and laying their eggs in that quilt.

I have to giggle at how silly this sounds, but last night before going to bed I inventoried every one of my bites, circling each with an blue pen. There were 49 in total.

Then, I slept with only a sheet and a sweatshirt. I was cool by the wee hours of the morning, but I survived the temperatures. To my delight, as I re-inventoried my body this morning, I did not have a single additional bite. Yippee!!! Alien bug problem temporarily solved.

During yesterday’s final daytime meditations, we meditated on four questions about “light”. As usual, I focused my meditation on my previously-written words. As I close out my journal entries regarding these first five days of silence (which are now over), I would like to include these notes that I wrote last month.

We had four questions on which to meditate, but I combined the first two into a single set of meditation notes.

Where is the light? … and … How is the light manifest?

The light is the essence of everything. It is in our bodies, being the pure energy essence of our consciousness. It is in our blood, our nerves, and our cells – in everything.

The light flows freely, completely, through all plant life. It is the very essence that brings life to the plants.

The light is the energy vibration that flows through all matter – rocks, crystals, metals, water, and fire. The entire earth is a manifestation of projected light. The entire universe and everything in it are created by different frequencies of vibrating light.

The light is in our mind, our thoughts. It is the very essence of awareness – of being.

Light flows through what appears to be empty space. Unless manifest, it is invisible to the human eye. The manifestation occurs when light reflects and/or bounces off slower moving energy – which is also light.

Light manifests as joy, unconditional love, pure penetrating peace. Light is ever present, never absent. Even when we do not see it or feel it, light is ever here – now.

Light is the essence of life, of consciousness. Light is my divine connection to my source. Light is my source. I am light. I am my source. Light is. I am.

Light is all there is. I am all there is. Light flows through all dimensions. It needs no permission, no approval. It is all penetrating, ever present, ever flowing – joyfully, peacefully, and lovingly.

Light manifests as heat. Light manifests as colors. Light manifests as joyful emotion, intense peace, powerful connectedness, undeniable well-being.

Even though light is always present, if it is unrecognized by us, we feel separate, agitated, competitive, jealous, fearful, grieving, sadness, anxiousness. Recognized light brings Universal oneness, unconditional love, unconditional joy and connectedness. Judgment is impossible in the presence of recognized light, as is fear, hate, etc… Forgiveness is impossible in the presence of recognized light, because we recognize that there is nothing to be judged.

Light manifests as vibrating energy, and also in waves. Both penetrate absolutely everything.

Light manifests as the tiniest filament of a spider web – or as the largest granite mountain, as the tiniest organism, or as the blue whale.

Light is recognized or ignored, but light simply IS – always.

Light is flowers, light is thorns.

Light is the Dali Lama – light is Adolf Hitler.

Light is a waterfall – light is an earthquake.

Light is a snowflake – light is mud.

Light is a thick strawberry shake – light is arsenic poison.

Light is a unicorn – light is a dragon.

Light is understood – light is misunderstood.

Light is fireworks – light is a mortar shell.

Light is both extremes of everything – light is NOT dualistic.

Light is beauty – light is ugliness – both are the same.

When do I feel disconnected from the light?

• When I begin to judge others as separate from myself – judging them as either better or worse than myself.
• When I enter a state of spiritual arrogance.
• When I am tired, anxious, or stressed.
• When I try to make a decision without first seeking spiritual guidance.
• When someone I love is arguing or yelling.
• When I allow fear to enter my awareness.
• When I reflect on the opinions of others (regarding me).
• When I worry about “roles” in life, and what family may think of me if I do not fulfill those “roles”.
• When I neglect my spiritual centering, meditating, writing.
• When my body is sick or achy or wobbly.
• When I live in the past or in the future.
• When feeling perfectionistic or competitive (with attachment).
• When in social situations where I feel inadequate.
• When I am resisting a clear prompting.
• When I am being bitten by mosquitoes, spiders, ants, etc…
• When I am attached to something.
• When I think I know something.
• When following the rules to the letter of the law.

What can I do to reconnect with the light?

• Spiritual “mountain time”
• Sing inspiring songs
• Repeat my mission statement with purpose
• Listen to music
• Talk with a spiritual friend
• Meditate
• Write in my journal or my blog
• Do “the work” of Byron Katie
• Process emotions
• Follow a prompting with blind faith
• Record and interpret dreams
• Center myself in the moment
• Attend a retreat or participate in a spiritual service
• Get a third degree burn in the Yucatan jungles
• Live in a Mayan village
• Receive Reiki, massage, cranial sacral, or acupuncture
• Yoga
• Journey (workshop)
• Travel alone or with spiritual friends
• Watch an inspiring movie
• Read a great book
• Hold a newborn baby
• Cuddle a kitten or a puppy
• Hug a tree
• Send love to others in my thoughts
• Lose myself in unconditionally loving service
• Meditate on gratitude for wonderful blessings
• Eat something absolutely scrumptious and delicious
• Sit in the warm sun
• Soak in a hot tub
• Look at something beautiful
• Find beauty in everything
• Play with my grandchildren
• Hear birds singing
• Watch animals play
• Take photographs
• Release all attachments
• Forget everything I know
• Lower my defenses
• Remember to laugh
• Break free of the rules
• Remember A Course In Miracles workbook lessons: I am never upset for the reason I think; Would you rather be right or happy? I see only the past; I do not know what this is for.

And now back to the present again …

*  *  *  *  *

As I finish up this first week at the Sun Course, I am invigorated and excited to dive into the experiences which begin tomorrow. As of last night, I still have not officially met everyone in the Sun Course, because we have not been able to speak or to socialize with each other. After our ceremonies last night were complete, I had the opportunity to briefly get to know a few of my fellow course-mates, and I look forward to getting to know them all very well.

In those conversations my soul was re-energized, my heart re-ignited. I am committed to approach the next three months with a joyful attitude of non-attachment. I will be fully willing and committed to the experience without expecting any particular outcome.

Tomorrow morning, right after 7:00 a.m. Yoga, we have our first official class with Chaty.

To infinity and beyond …

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal manner.)

Saturday, June 19 – 4:45 a.m.

My travels from Xela to San Marcos yesterday morning went very smoothly – only an hour and a half bus ride and a forty minute boat ride. By shortly after 11:00 a.m. I was checked into my new temporary home at Posada Schuman. This is a different room than I had before, and as I checked out the bed, it reminded me of a slab of concrete with a thin yoga mat on top. The old me would have refused to consider sleeping on such a bed. The new me simply smiled and said “I can do this.”

I walked over to Las Piramides to reconnect with the energy. I stopped by the office to talk to Irma. It looks like there will be about six or seven of us in the Sun Course. To my surprise, I learned that we are starting at the exact same time that the present Moon Course will enter their silence. This will be quite interesting, starting out the Sun Course without being able to talk for the first five days.

I asked Irma when she wanted me to pay, and she responded that “Now would be good.” I was anxious to get rid of the 12,000 Quetzales (about $1,500 US) that I have been carrying around, so I ran back to my hotel room to grab my secret stash of money – money that has taken me six trips to the ATM to collect over the last few weeks. The $500 per month fee covers a place to sleep and all of my classes – quite a good deal. Paying the money up front gave me a great sense of peace – knowing that the money is nonrefundable – knowing that have I essentially committed myself once and for all to stay for the full Sun Course. I know it will be an incredible experience.

After taking care of business, I stopped by the Blue Lily Café to talk to my friend Kathleen (the owner). After quick hugs, she told me that she was running off to San Pedro to watch England play in the World Cup. I have been amazed at how the people in Guatemala and Mexico are so into the World Cup competitions. Everywhere I go over the last few weeks, I see people gathered around televisions, cheering on their favorite teams. I am even starting to pay attention and to feel the spirit of their energy myself.

As Kathleen gave me a quick see-ya-later hug, she introduced me to her helper, Christina – a lady who had served me a juice smoothy during my Moon Course silence and partial fast. I had a delightful conversation with Christina. She has been living in San Marcos for a couple of months now, and I was fascinated to learn about a few of her travel experiences in Mexico. In her own way, she is on her own unique journey of learning about herself through her travels. I am quite interested to see where/if this friendship leads.

After lunch, I took a walk around San Marcos to re-connect with the city. As I neared the river channel where the severe flooding from Tropical Storm Agatha took place, I was surprised to see the work in progress. The lower half of the river below the main bridge has been mostly dug out, and huge (and I mean huge) piles of rocks are piled all over the sides of the channel. Just above the bridge, a large caterpillar back hoe worked busily, beginning to remove huge boulders from that part of the plugged up river channel. I watched with fascination as the work continued for more than an hour. Water continues to flow over the top of the bridge, as the path under the bridge itself remains completely plugged by rocks and mud. As I observed the continuing cleanup, my emotions filled with memories of how I felt on Sunday May 30, the day that I first surveyed the damage – the day that I left San Marcos to go find refuge in San Pedro.

A while later, as I walked through the soccer field below, I noticed several men and boys sifting through the mud, collecting small gravel in buckets. Later I noticed several men carrying large sacks filled with medium sized rocks, with the weight suspended from their heads. It warmed my heart to see how some of the people are using the same rocks that destroyed part of their village to now provide building materials for another part of their village.

After my explorations I sat on a wooden chair on my small porch reading “The Mystical Qabalah”, I was shocked to see my friend-to-be “Sandra” walk down the stairs from above. She is in the room directly above me. I first met her on my first day of the Moon Course. She had been living in the same room that I moved into, and I had found out later that she is from Australia, and is dear friends with Stephen’s son – Stephen being the man that I befriended during my own Moon Course. Sandra will be starting the Sun Course with me on Monday. I just adore her, and have the suspicion that we will become friends over the course of the next three months.

A while later I was also very surprised to see another Sandra (#2) – a white-haired woman from the States who has been doing the present Sun Course. She and Stephen had talked quite a bit, but I had never gotten to know her until we had a short chat on the day that I left to relocate to San Pedro. On that day, Sandra temporarily broke her silence to chat with me, and that conversation had been quite valuable for both of us – she discussing her own frustrations and me discussing my resistance and promptings about doing the Sun Course.

Last night, Sandra #2 looked so much more alive than I have ever seen her. I was very surprised to learn that she had made the difficult decision to withdraw from the Sun Course just two weeks before completing it. We discussed her reasons, many of which have been my own fears – but I could see that for her, her decision to leave had been a very good one. She has grown tremendously from her experiences, but knew it was time to move on – to San Cristobal de las Casas of all places – the same place I visited last week. (Coincidence??)

As I talked to Sandra #2, I again had a few doubts enter my mind about whether the Sun Course is right for me. I felt a warm sense of peace in knowing that my money is already paid, and I am fully committed – there is no backing out without loosing $1,500. I am “all in” – knowing that my experience will be a unique and personal one – quite different than that of anyone else, and I am still anxious to see where Spirit guides me. Right before leaving, Sandra mentioned that she has a very comfortable prepaid room that would be available for the next three nights, since she is leaving early Saturday morning and was unable to get a refund.

“I would take you up on your offer.” I told her, “But I have already prepaid for four nights in my own room here at Posada Schuman.

As 5:30 p.m. came and went, I decided it was time to go find dinner. To my surprise, as I walked over to Ganesh restaurant to check it out, I bumped into Sandra #2 who was waiting to return a book to a friend. I felt prompted to tell her that I was interested in checking out her free room, even though I might not get a refund for my own. To make a long story short, I liked her room but felt a very weird energy from the hotel staff. I then went and talked to the manager of my own hotel and got the run around about the possibility of a refund. When I returned to find Sandra and tell her that my heart is telling me to stay at my own hotel, we decided to do dinner together.

I think the Universe set up the whole situation, just to get us together to talk more – to get to know each other a little better. Of all places, we ended up going to the Japanese restaurant – the same restaurant that had been severely damaged during the flooding three weeks ago. Even though the outdoor eating area had been covered with mud and rocks, the buildings themselves had suffered very little damage, and the restaurant had reopened earlier this week. Sandra and I had a delightful discussion as we shared elements from our respective Spiritual paths. Toward the end of our discussion we exchanged emails. I have no idea if we will actually remain in contact, but I feel as if we were guided together last night for a reason. Regardless of what that reason might be, I left dinner with a deep sense of peace and clarity regarding my upcoming Sun Course experience.

Shortly after 3:30 a.m. this morning, I found myself reviewing yesterday’s events, writing a journal entry in my head. “This is silly” I told myself, I’ll just get up and write it so my brain will stop racing.

While the bed has been extremely hard, I have actually slept quite well up to this point. I have the distinct feeling that I ate dinner with my friend Pyper last night – it must have been a dream – it had to have been a dream. But the strange thing is that I don’t remember last night’s dreams. In fact, since leaving the Moon Course three weeks ago I have made no effort whatsoever to practice dreaming or trying to Astral travel – I have been too weak, too tired, too rebellious. Now, just two days before beginning the Sun Course, I feel a renewed energy to start over – a new burst of enthusiasm to put my heart and soul into the effort.

And now, back to bed …

Sunday, June 20 – 8:10 a.m.

I went to Panajachel yesterday. I needed more money from the ATM and there were also a few critical supplies – such as a large bottle of peanut butter, a straw mat, and a decent flashlight – that I needed to purchase.

I had an interesting experience on the morning boat ride. As we were taking on more passengers, I began to turn and stand up to move to a bench further back in the boat. As I was preparing to scoot backward, a Mayan woman beside me poked me very hard in the side. When I glanced to look at her, she scowled at me with an angry hateful expression and pointed to her foot. My shoe was directly on top of her foot, which I had mistaken for the bottom of the boat. I felt very bad and immediately moved my foot and apologized. The woman just scowled at me with hatred in her eyes and would not acknowledge my apologetic words. She turned her head and ignored me for the rest of the journey, never speaking a word. As she left the boat at the next village, I wanted to make eye contact and smile at her, but she would not even look at me.

The “old me” would have felt horrible at her reaction to my apology. I would have felt misjudged by her. I would have felt devastated by the fact that someone could hate me so much and I would have desperately wanted to do something to change her opinion of me.

The “new me” realized that her judgments had absolutely nothing to do with me personally. Something is going on in her life that has made her very upset, and for one reason or another she is most likely carrying a huge grudge towards foreigners, projecting that hatred onto me. I simply smiled inside and energetically sent loving energy in her direction, knowing there was nothing else that I could do to release her from her own pain.

I spent much of the rest of Saturday pondering the issue, wondering what might have happened to her to make her react with such a “call for love” – wondering what I can do radiate more genuine love in her direction.

On a more positive note, I changed rooms at Posada Schuman yesterday afternoon. The bed in my new room is the perfect softness … yippee.

As I sit here on my soft bed typing, I realize that it was exactly three weeks ago at this very moment when I was first walking around San Marcos, surveying the aftermath of Tropical Storm Agatha. This simple thought brings back the many deep emotions that I felt as I witnessed the paralyzing damage to many of the local peoples’ homes and property. I can only imagine the struggle that many people here must still go through as they attempt to pick up the pieces of their lives – yet life does appear to be going on in a mostly normal fashion all around me.

I cannot help but recognize my own vulnerability – and the continued vulnerability of the local people – as I contemplate the situation here in Guatemala. Another tropical storm formed just off the western coast of Guatemala yesterday morning. A quick glance at the weather maps last night showed that this particular storm is moving away from Guatemala, out into the vast Pacific. But hurricane season has just begun, and the rainy season will continue on for four or five additional months.

I feel a deep sense of peace, knowing that all will be well in my own life no matter what does or does not happen … but my heart goes out to the local people, many of whom must feel a deep sense of fear and vulnerability at every hint of additional severe rains.

Sunday, June 21 – 7:30 p.m.

I just got back from dinner with Sandra from Australia – the same Sandra who will be entering the Sun Course with me tomorrow. (The Sandra #2 that I ate dinner with on Friday left for Mexico on Saturday Morning). I have to laugh at the parallels between tonight and Friday night – same names – one Sandra just left the Sun Course, one is just beginning – same Japanese restaurant – great conversations – and both evenings ended with a wet walk on dark muddy and winding paths through the aftermath of a heavy cloudburst.

It was a beautiful evening, filled with amazing spiritual and connecting conversation. During the course of two and a half hours, we both shared much of our life stories and our respective spiritual journeys. The discussion was nonstop, inspired and electrifying stories shared on both sides.

I am amazed at how calm and peaceful I am now when I feel a prompting to share about the gender struggles in my life – I am no longer sharing anything shocking or shameful – I am simply telling stories about past events in my life that have helped shape me to be who I am today.

I am thoroughly amazed by the spiritual depth and wisdom of Sandra. She is only 23 and is already immersed in a deep and meaningful spiritual journey. The stories she shared about recent dreams and meditation experiences were deeply inspiring to me, refueling my soul on the eve of what I know is going to be an amazing three month journey into the unknown of my soul.

Tomorrow it all begins, but I will remain present. Tonight I am excited to immerse myself in meditation, being willing and making myself open to whatever experiences may come my way.

Monday, June 21 – 6:50 p.m.

Today has been a very interesting day. While I have made several attempts at meditation, both last night and today, I have had a difficult time in doing so – mostly because of an over-stimulated chattering mind that quickly swings between the extremes of active and energetic to the other extreme of sleepy exhaustion – mostly skipping the middle ground.

I had to laugh at lunch early this afternoon. I came away with a new appreciation for the term “Mom and Pop restaurant.” I walked into a tiny restaurant on the edge of town. As I checked out the menu, “Garlic chicken” sounded extremely yummy. I have decided to not maintain a vegetarian diet during the Sun Course. When I ordered my chicken, the sweet Mayan woman looked slightly concerned. I asked if she had chicken, and she indicated that there was no problem – she would get some. She stepped outside to find someone, then came back and picked up her one-year-old, strapped him to her back with a large swath of colorful fabric and said “If I leave him he will crawl out into the street.”

The woman disappeared out the front entrance with her baby, leaving me alone in the restaurant. A minute later, she returned and slipped back into the kitchen. About twenty minutes later I learn that the husband has been out shopping for chicken when he comes into the restaurant, approaches my table, and tells me “We’re going to have to change your order. I was not able to find any chicken.”

I just smiled and ordered the vegetarian spaghetti. As the wife began to boil the pasta, I ordered a Sprite. The husband again disappeared out the front door and returned another ten minutes later with a cool (not cold) can of Sprite which I can only assume he must have gone to a tiny store down the street to purchase.

I just giggled inside as I waited for my meal, realizing that this restaurant is so tiny and has so few customers that they most likely cannot afford to keep less-common foods in stock, nor can they go to the luxury of partially preparing any food before a customer shows up.

I loved my delicious oversize plate of spaghetti covered with tomato sauce, broccoli, boiled potatoes, tomatoes, and boiled carrots. It was actually quite yummy.

My Sun Course officially started this evening, about two hours ago. Apparently, this is the first time ever that a Sun Course has started on the exact same day that a Moon Course was going into their five days of silence (yes I did six days, but most groups only do five) – and whenever a Moon Course is in Silence, the Sun Course always joins them. It will seem quite strange – and actually quite special – to be in complete silence during the first five days of the Sun Course. We will not start any classes for another week.

Tonight we had a spiritual ceremony to begin our five days of silence. There are eight of us in our Sun Course, and we all dressed in white. First we completed a 30 minute silent meditation. Then Chaty passed a candle around, asking us to one one-by-one transfer the flame to our own personal candle as we verbally dedicated our retreat to something external outside of ourselves. As I lit my candle, I dedicated my retreat experience to the spiritual enlightenment of our planet. The rest of the ceremony was filled with symbolism as we focused energy on our intentions for the next five days.

As we continued meditating tonight, I found myself still struggling with mental chatter and feeling spiritually disconnected. Suddenly, my memory flashed to a simple statement made by one of my favorite seminar givers – Greg Braden. The message “Feeling is the prayer” flashed repeatedly through my mind. I realized that up until that moment I was being quite resistant, analytical, and serious, still questioning my reasons for participating in the Sun Course.

Immediately, I began to imagine myself in my most unconditionally loving state – bringing to memory images of my grandchildren – two of whom are recent newborns whom I have not even met. Then I imagined the group of some of my closest spiritually-minded friends who held an amazing sendoff gathering for me exactly one year and ten days ago. I immersed myself in the same deep feeling of intense unconditionally loving emotion that I felt during that beautiful night when my “Brenda’s Bicycles” journey began.

As I imagined and allowed these loving emotions to flow through me, I immediately began to feel a rush of spiritual energy tingling throughout my body – a feeling that continues even now as I write about the experience that occurred just a little over an hour ago. It is so easy to forget that the most important thing I can do when approaching a meditation or a prayer is to lighten-up and to simply generate the gratitude-filled emotions that make me feel so connected.

I realize that I have been approaching my Sun Course in such a serious and defensive manner that I have completely forgotten to simply immerse myself in a joyous and loving experience – with no expectations whatsoever. With all of my heart, I hope I can remember this deep flash of insight throughout the next three months: “The most important thing I can do in this retreat is to radiate love in every situation, to experience the fullness of innocent joy in my heart, and to simply allow the rest to happen all by itself.”

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Ever since my first week of participation in the Moon Course at Las Piramides del Ka, I have found myself immersed in a state of deep struggle regarding my blog.

This past year of adventure and spiritual growth has been amazingly beautiful, and I have been more than passionate about maintaining my writing at the highest level of my ability. In so many ways, writing has been the catalyst that has fueled my journey, helping me to solidify my internal healing in ways that would not have been possible in any other way.

For this reason, my decision to temporarily suspend writing during the second week of the Moon Course was an extremely difficult one to make. With all of my heart I wanted to continue my narratives – but at the same time my feelings were desperately crying out for me to fully immerse every second of my precious time into present moment experiences. Immediately after suspending my writing efforts, my heart peacefully confirmed that I had made the perfect decision.

As I finished the Moon Course and spent two weeks recovering from a potent stomach/intestinal bug, finding the strength and determination to resume my writing was a difficult endeavor. It required every ounce of willpower and energy that I could muster. Physical weakness had a way of draining both my resolve and my passion. It was only through sheer determination that I found the energy to bring my blog back up to date.

But it was not just the physical weakness – I was also dealing with the consequences of Tropical Storm Agatha. In an effort to find a place with functioning water and electricity, I moved to a hotel in the larger and less-devastated nearby town of San Pedro, where I spent nearly a week just trying to regain the ability to hold down a plate of white rice and a few bananas.

Several days after a few of the washed-out, mudslide-covered roads out of Lake Atitlan began to reopen – after I felt barely strong enough to travel – I ventured out on a tourist shuttle and set up a new temporary home in the city of Antigua. It was there where I finally found the physical and emotional strength to catch up my blog.

On June 10, my Guatemalan tourist visa expired. I had several options to choose from regarding how to renew my visa, but I felt a deep desire to briefly get away from Guatemala and to rejuvenate my energy by playing for a few days – so I opted to take a delightful trip to the state of Chiapas, Mexico.

After choosing a beautiful hotel in the mountain-top Mexican city of San Cristobal de las Casas, I gave myself much-deserved permission to spend four delightful days while simply being a tourist, freeing myself from all obligatory feelings to document the journey.

On June 15, I retraced my steps back to Guatemala and have since spent two full days in Xela – the same city where I studied Spanish for a week in April. While here, I have been working on final preparations to begin the Sun Course this coming Monday, June 21.

But at the same time, my internal struggle regarding my writing has resurfaced with a vengeance.

To Write or Not To Write

That is definitely the question.

Anxiety and stress have built up in my soul as I have wrestled with this deep dilemma, unable to come up with a satisfactory answer.

There is no doubt in my mind that not writing during my Moon Course was the perfect decision. Many beautiful experiences came my way that most likely would have been missed had I been focusing my energy on external communication.

There is also no doubt in my mind that during my upcoming three-month Sun Course, full immersion of my energies into this new experience will be every bit as critical. Excessive outside distractions will definitely have a limiting impact on my ability to achieve maximum internal growth.

But my heart cries out that I simply cannot go for three entire months without writing – my internal passions to communicate are far too strong to suppress.

I know I can’t write … yet I know I must write.

In the midst of this internal battle, writing has begun to feel like an unwanted obligation – something I subconsciously resent.

What to do?

The Gift Of Time

This afternoon, in a beautiful Skype conversation with my dear friend Susan in Arizona, she helped to guide and expose the answer from deep within my own heart.

My present stress comes from the fact that my current style of writing is extremely time consuming.

Up until now, I have been blessed with the luxury of time. If I spent eight amazing days in a Mayan village in southwestern Belize, I was then free to spend another eight energizing days simply immersing myself into the spirit of writing about those incredible experiences. There was no time-based stress as I allowed the words to flow effortlessly through my fingertips – no time-critical events going on around me in which I felt an internal drive to participate. I was free to fully immerse myself in the passion of writing.

Time For A Change

Even though I often feel as if the words are frequently being channeled through me rather than coming from my brain – the perfectionist in me is still not satisfied until my writing is completely polished.  A ten-page blog entry can easily take as many as eight to ten hours of dedicated effort. Up until now, my ego has insisted that everything I write has to be in a state where it could potentially be published – perfect grammar – no redundant words or phrases – painting a vivid emotional image with well placed adjectives and adverbs.

But during the Sun Course, I will have no such gift of “abundant spare time”.

While hashing through my emotions with Susan, the answer gradually became quite obvious.

“It is NOT time for me to stop writing again … It is time for me to change my writing style.”

Journal versus Finished Product

I have long maintained in my heart that I would be writing, even if I believed that no one else in the world was actually reading my words.

For me, my blog has literally become my journal, and my writing has been an incredibly effective means of rehashing my experiences in a meaningful manner that solidifies internal growth and personal insights.

Yet I have to admit that if I were simply writing a journal entry, I would spend far less time in doing so. In my private journal I would not concern myself in any way with the outside reader, I would not concern myself with a quest for literary perfection – I would not edit the wording of my thoughts based on what someone else might think – and I would simply record the songs of my heart in response to daily spiritual growth and experiences.

“What would happen if I were to simply write my blog as real Journal Entries?” I have repeatedly asked myself.

The answer is obvious. I would feel passionate about continued writing during my three-month Sun Course. I would make frequent posts without feeling any of the pressure associated with literary perfection. I could speak my heart – my truth – freely and openly without feeling obligation or stress. And I could do so with minimal time commitment, with minimal interruption to my activities in the Sun Course.

A New Commitment

So there you have it. In just four short days I will immerse myself in a three-month commitment to the Sun Course at Las Piramides del Ka.

My first commitment to myself is that I will focus my heart and soul into a full spirit-of-the-law immersion into present-moment living as the experiences of the Sun Course unfold around me.

My second commitment is that I will keep a detailed journal on my laptop regarding significant growth and insights. The writing may often be quite raw, and sometimes minimal and lacking in visual detail, but I will capture my emotional and spiritual experiences in a way that is meaningful to me.

My third commitment is that at periodic intervals – intervals that are yet unknown – I will publish these journal entries on my blog for anyone to read who cares to vicariously share in my growth and insights.

Yes, I feel as if I have finally found a balanced solution to which my heart can joyously sing.

I will write … and I will post … and I will do so as directed by the flowing passions in my heart.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved