It has been three and a half weeks since I crossed the border from Peru into Ecuador. This fact confuses me, because I literally feel as if I have been in Ecuador for a very long time.
I will not share the entire story here, because I will soon be posting extensive photos of my time thus far (in Ecuador), and those photos will tell the story of my adventures.
Suffice it to say that it has been a magical period of timelessness. After a day of travel, I spent the night in Guayaquil, Ecuador, where my main goal was to find a travel agency so that I could purchase airline tickets to fly to the Galapagos Islands as soon as I could.
The very next afternoon I found myself touching down on Baltra Island, over six hundred miles to the west, out in the vast Pacific Ocean. As I settled into a hostel on the island of Santa Cruz, I immediately began exploring my possibilities. Prior to that time, I had done no advance research or planning – none whatsoever.
And wow, what a magical exploration it was. I ended up spending five days on “Isla Santa Cruz”, three days on “Isla Isabela”, one day on “Isla Floreana” … and then after changing my return flight (adding six days to my stay in the Galapagos), I spent five days on “Isla San Cristobal”.
Early on June 12, 2015, I spent my final hours on San Cristobal, trusting the flow as I dealt with a regional-wide strike that attempted to freeze all activity on the Galapagos Islands. I will share details of the adventure in my photo post.
The next day, after spending another night in Guayaquil, I got up early, catching a four-hour bus to Cuenca – a beautiful little city at just over 8,000 feet (about 2,500 meters) above sea level, high up in the Ecuadorian Andes Mountains. As I type these words today, I am still in Cuenca, living here on a day-to-day basis, not quite sure yet just how long I will remain.
Letting Go Of Playing Small
As has been the case since early March, I continue to participate in a weekly writing project with three of my dear friends – a project where one of us asks a question each week, and we all answer it – a project that has been quite fun and inspiring for me.
And as I have done since March, I feel profoundly inspired to continue my tradition of sharing my own personal writing here on this blog. This whole project is inspiring me in ways that seem to fuel my passion to find a place to settle down and write my book.
A few weeks ago, one of my dear friends asked the question: “What one addiction or habit would you like to quit? … and why?
Following is my response, as emailed to my friends (I was quite delayed due to poor internet in the Galapagos):
I have been pondering this question for two weeks now, and it seems that my heart wants me to continue with a theme from my last writing – the one where I quoted Marianne Williamson’s famous quote about our deepest fear and “playing small”.
I am not sure if I would call it a habit or an addiction. I am not sure if it really qualifies for either. Even though I have successfully processed through uncountable layers of old emotional fears and social struggles, it is still quite easy for me to slip into an old behavioral groove – stepping into the background – into the shadows – “playing small”.
My heart has made it quite clear over the last few months that it is time to step forward into the next phase of my life.
On the one hand, I am doing just that, leaving my magical river playground in Peru and embracing the social world of people as I blindly follow guidance that nudges me northward. It is very easy to trust the subtle guidance, and I am having a lot of fun doing it. I have no doubt that sometime soon, the Universe will guide me to plant some roots in some yet-unknown way. Everything in my path seems to be so synchronous and magical when I do not try to interfere.
Yet on the other hand, when I ponder actually beginning my book, or working with people in a counseling/healing setting, I sense the presence of a small rebellion wanting to rise up in my belly, as if a hidden part of me continues to strongly doubt my capacity, demanding that I “play small” in order to avoid failure.
I have “played small” for as long as I can consciously remember. It is such an automatic thing for me to do – to try to avoid social settings – to resist expressing myself because I don’t want to deal with potential conflict – to be overly concerned about the opinions of others – to doubt my capacity to really spread my wings and fly.
As I write the above paragraph, all of those old fears seem so utterly silly and insignificant. I have faced them many times over, having repeatedly jumped right into the middle of the muck and coming out victorious on the other side.
It seems that I am using my own writing, in this moment, to bring clarity to the thoughts racing around in my head.
The “old me” “played small” because of deep self-loathing. I was terrified to be seen or heard by others because I believed they would judge me as much as I judged myself, blah, blah, blah.
The “new me” suddenly realizes that I am not now “playing small”, not at all. I am simply blindly following guidance – guidance that has not yet shown me the big picture – guidance that has clearly told me to just start moving north without really knowing where I will end up, or when I will get there.
That chattering little mental judge in my head wants me to believe that I SHOULD know what I am doing – and that I should be doing it NOW – telling me that I am “playing small” for not having already written my book, etc.
Wow, that little mental judge is quite the powerful liar!
Intuitive flashbacks suddenly remind me that we are often given glimpses of things we need to prepare for in the future – but that we won’t actually do them (and in reality cannot do them) until we arrive at that chapter in our story. In my case, I realize that I am very close to “that” chapter, but that I am not quite there yet.
So, it seems that I have gone full circle with this writing. It is obvious that old butterflies continue to swirl around here and there in my energy field, reminding me of past doubts regarding my inability to step into my power – to no longer “play small”. Yet, at the same time, new intuitive guidance reassures me that I am already very much shining my light and stepping into my power – and that my task is to simply have infinite patience, being present with the guidance I have right now, fully trusting that the future chapter will come with perfect timing.
Wow, thanks for the perfect question Jeanette. It seems that just writing about it has shown me that I AM breaking free of old habits of “playing small”, and that what remains is simply a little silly mental chatter that tries to hypnotize me into believing old lies.
Yes, I AM embracing my light now … I AM stepping into my power … and most of all I AM dropping ideas of exactly how that process should look.
Peaceful giggles remind me that the future will arrive with perfect timing. My only job is to be in my power right now while trusting the inspired guidance of this moment.
Four Descriptive Words
The next question – one asked by a different friend – caught me off guard at first. As part of asking, she explained how she had once been asked to select four words (and only four words) that would describe her life. She then challenged us to do the same.
It took me a while as I pondered and meditated, but finally, the perfect words came to me – words that profoundly describe my journey of six decades.
So without further delay, here is my response to the question: “What are the four words that describe your life?”
Embracing My Authentic Self
It blows me away how these words beautifully describe my journey since even the earliest of my memories, even during the times when I was lost and did not even slightly understand what I was doing (which was most of my life).
My whole life has been a journey to figure out and to embrace “me” … “the authentic me”.
At some point prior to age five or six, I literally buried all of my creative confidence. I was terrified to step out of the box in a way that might cause even one person to criticize or disapprove of my creative behavior. It didn’t matter if ninety-nine other people loved me.
Along with that creative confidence, I also buried much of my heart, and the “authentic me” that IS that heart went deep into hiding.
And of course, intertwined at the core of my heart shutdown was my gender struggle. The biggest symptoms were not obvious to me until at around age ten or eleven, but deep healing excavations have clearly revealed that I was hiding my gender issues and confusion at least by age six.
At age eleven, my “authentic self” had become my hated worst enemy. I believed she was evil, and got me into trouble. I fought back, desperately trying to wear the mask of a happy little religious boy and honor student.
At age twenty-one, after a very turbulent decade, my “authentic self” was so despised (by me), and so buried from view, that I thought I had killed her. Me getting married was supposed to be her final death sentence. She was ruining my conditioned life.
At age thirty-one, after a decade of both happiness and deep confusion – that horrible “authentic self” simply would not go away. I began to realize that maybe – just maybe – she was not evil at all. Agonizing and horrible decisions loomed over me. I desperately wanted to begin exploring my real self, but I now had a beautiful and precious family. I tried to run away, but simply could not follow through on that plan. I felt painfully trapped in a no-win situation.
At age forty-one, after a decade of self-discovery, I finally surrendered to the persistent call of my “authentic self”. She was so vocal that I could no longer keep her hidden or repressed. It was an incredibly difficult journey as divorce papers were signed. That, and telling my long-term employer about my coming transition were two of the most frightening things I have ever done. But I knew in my still-mostly-closed heart that this was something that I couldn’t “NOT” do. The thought of living the rest of my life pretending to be something else … someone else … let’s just say I couldn’t see myself living on this planet if that were to be the case.
By age fifty, I was two years into the beginning of a transformative spiritual journey, beginning to heal old wounds. My “authentic self” was sprouting new growth in ways that were not yet fully understood. That quiet hidden voice inside was so loud that I just had to keep moving forward with increasing courage and dedication.
I was fifty-four when that “authentic self” called out undeniably, begging me to pull up all roots that tied me down – imploring me to travel and write.
Now, at age sixty, just three days from completing six amazing years of travel, a quiet peaceful voice whispers loudly inside, telling me that my journey is finally about to begin – telling me that my “authentic self” is finally finishing up the process of breaking through the cocoon that has surrounded me – telling me that It is time to crawl out of that protective barrier and clean off my wings – telling me that it is time to learn how to fly.
It seems that “Embracing My Authentic Self” is a deep, unfolding process for me. Each time I finish up one phase of my journey, I intuitively understand that I am simply at a resting place, preparing for a magical new beginning that I could never have even imagined previously.
At one point in my life, my “authentic self” was all about physical body changes, along with the freedom to express and embrace life as Brenda.
Later, my “authentic self” became a quest to heal deeply buried core emotional wounds – wounds that sabotaged my behavior on a daily basis.
In this last year, my journey became a quest to learn a higher form of love – self-love – divine unconditional love. I never knew my heart could be so open … and I am quite aware that what I have done so far is just a beginning.
Every step of the journey has been guided from above. There is no longer any doubt about that. Every past struggle was necessary to set the stage for new growth and expansion.
As I now enjoy a few months of much deserved travel and exploration of the planet, I clearly realize that I am simply in another of those resting places … preparing for yet another unimaginable new beginning … and I am excited to find out what new wonder awaits with each new step.
This journey of “Embracing My Authentic Self” is finally starting to become a lot more fun.
A Tribute To Self
As I prepared to leave the Galapagos Islands, another friend gave us a question in the form of an assignment. She asked us to write a sort of tribute or memorial for each friend in our group – including one for our own self. We were asked to describe their past, present, or future, summarizing our feelings about them and their life.
The hardest part of the task was that we had to do it all in only six sentences.
When I first read the question, I recoiled in hesitating fear. The idea of writing about someone else and then sharing my feelings about them, with them … well that created a huge doubt in my capacity to do so.
The whole process forced me to face a fear that I was not even aware still existed.
When I finally forced myself to sit down to write (just a few days ago), I discovered that I had to get very creative with my sentence structure.
In the interest of privacy, I will not share what I wrote about my three friends, but I would love to share what I wrote about myself.
Please know that this is not about ego or pride. This is a genuine assessment of how I am learning to love myself – something that I consider to be one of the most important things that any of us can do.
Following is what I wrote as a tribute to my Self:
Brenda
Just as her personal mission statement expresses, Brenda is indeed “A beautiful and courageous divine daughter of God”, engaged in an adventurous ongoing quest to embody that magical identity – an identity that it turns out really has nothing at all to do with a physical body, whether male or female.
Beginning her life as a little boy, immersed in the mold of deep religious and cultural conditioning, Brenda quickly learned to hate herself, hiding in the background as she desperately struggled to fit into the fixed mold that was given to her – a process that caused her to feel so emotionally out of place that she developed intense social dysfunction – causing her to shut down her heart and do her best to simply survive in a world that seems to scorn heart-based intuition while honoring and rewarding mental intelligence and logic – a process in which she was quite successful, but increasingly unhappy and unfulfilled.
Brenda’s life journey has been one of courageously transforming her life, time and time again – with religious unraveling, gender transition, financial/career changes, and literally turning family relationships upside down, all while instinctively searching for some type of resolution to an inexplicable longing for something more – a longing to heal old wounds and to find a connection to something much larger than herself – a longing for something that she simply did not know how to find using her brilliant mind alone.
In 2009, Brenda began to defy that logical mind by engaging in an act of profound trust – by embarking on an unplanned journey of self-discovery that would be life-transforming – a journey of trying to “live and embody” a spiritual path rather than one of simply trying to mentally understand such a path – a journey of opening her heart in ways that the mind simply could not possibly fathom – a journey of six transformative years, diving headfirst into excruciating fears, deeply dysfunctional behavioral patterns, and agonizing repressed emotions – a journey of beginning to finally learn to truly love her true self.
Brenda is a magical and creative soul, finally freeing herself from the chains of a conditioned mental prison – finally embracing an expanding flow of creativity while learning to balance it with her gifted mind – finally preparing to step into the next phase of embodying the inspired writer that has been germinating inside of her for nearly a decade – finally feeling enough self-love to feel capable of stepping into her divine power and birthright.
Of all the magical people I love in this beautiful world, I am finally putting Brenda right up there at the top of my list – giving her the love that she has always deserved – reveling in the magic of her beautiful existence – honoring the perfection of her imperfect life in ways I never imagined possible – celebrating the love that is continually expanding her always-beautiful heart – and sharing with her in the excitement of stepping into this next creative phase of her life.
And now, in an act of inspired rebellion at rules, I extend my love for Brenda with a seventh sentence, celebrating a long and joy-filled life of following her heart wherever it leads her, giggling at the passion with which she will write her books and with which she will “create a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music”.
I love you Brenda!!!
Trusting The Peace
Today is Thursday, June 18, 2015 … and I giggle as I ponder that I still do not even know what I will be doing tomorrow.
My ever-active tour-guide mind feels a little impatient, telling me I need to keep moving … that I need to head north now … as if there were something pressing that must be done … as if there were some critical place I need to be.
But my heart has no such feelings. I feel peace and relaxation at the idea of just staying here a few more days, catching up on my writing and photo posts. I like the idea of being caught up. It feels peaceful and stress-free.
The guidance is very subtle. I am learning to trust the feelings I have, without demanding any kind of mental surety.
So, I guess I am continuing into the unknown, following the compass of peace – a compass that tells me to get the photos in order, to slow down and rest a few more days.
One day soon I will hop on a bus again, likely heading north toward the town of Baños, Ecuador, for an undetermined number of days.
It is kind of fun to trust the unknown … to simply trust what I feel.
Copyright © 2015 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved