(Note, this is the eighth and final post in this series. In this writing, I share the incredible healing of the last six days of my three month stay at the “Temple of the Way of Light”, and my subsequent final two weeks in Iquitos …)
This last week has been extremely productive in freeing my self from old emotional chains. I continue to work with metaphors from “The Little Mermaid” – metaphors of me being Ariel, having given up my heart voice in an effort to be normal and to fit in to the human world. It seems that on a daily basis, the flow of guidance takes me ever deeper into the healing emotions related to having lost my voice.
It is Thursday, April 10, 2014 – the eighth day of my final integration period at the Temple of the Way of Light. I find it hard to believe that I will be leaving here in five short days. But I am hardly thinking about leaving. Instead, I continue to dive ever deeper into ongoing healing processes. I sense that I am on the cusp of a deep breakthrough.
Late on this beautiful morning, I listen to another Matt Kahn video. But as I do so, I feel deeply disconnected. Meanwhile, I overhear (through the wall) the obvious sounds of my neighbor texting furiously on her phone. Without even seeing her, I feel her anger, frustration, and anxiety, and can only assume she is trying to deal with an emotional problem back home. I am so glad that I have opted to remain totally “off the grid” during my time here.
As I continue listening to Matt Kahn on my IPOD, I am shocked when I begin to feel deep anger. I believe it is anger about his message of needing to “love everyone”.
Anger At Loving
Confusion consumes me. It makes no sense to feel angry about someone telling me I need to send love to everyone. But as I meditate deeper, I realize that the emotion is not me, it is just more old emotion triggered in my field – emotion that wants to surface, be felt, and be released.
As I attempt not to identify with the emotion – trying to remain unattached – I sink into a weird mood. I continue to gently observe myself, and do not get totally lost in the unexpected wave of feelings – but this feels like something deep and core.
During lunch, I visually observe my neighbor as she continues to text in the dining hall. I find deep validation in my earlier empath sensitivity. Everything I had empathically perceived through the wall is now quite obvious as I see her face and even hear her utter a muffled swear word when she reads a texted response. Her frustration and anger are obvious. I send her love and return to my own processing.
As I eat my lunch, I am fully aware that this afternoon will be the final “Love Space” improv comedy activity. You may recall that at the end of my final workshop, several friends had attempted to get me to commit to attending. I have been on the fence about it for more than a week.
I go inside and check with my heart. After several minutes of deep reflection, it is obvious to me that working with this “anger-at-having-to-love-emotion” is a much higher priority for me right now. Guidance tells me to return to my room and to spend the afternoon processing.
Empath Awareness
After returning to my room, I sit down to begin processing through the odd anger. Suddenly, I remember to ask what should be an obvious question by now: “Is this anger even mine?”
“No,” the answer bounces back as intuitions again take me back to memories of this morning when the anger first started. I realize that it was precisely when I sensed my neighbor’s anger and frustration while she noisily texted someone from the other side of my bedroom wall.
“My neighbor is angry and upset about something,” I ponder with a compassionate giggle. “The odd anger I have been feeling is coming from her. I am feeling her emotions and believing them to be mine, just as I have done with people my whole life.”
As soon as I express my intent to disconnect from this anger, I suddenly feel peace. The anger I have been feeling is gone, and a sense of underlying joy returns to my heart.
A quick check of my watch tells me that there is still time to go to the improv comedy class if I want to. I again go inside to check guidance. Again the answer is “No, don’t go … stay in my room and process instead.”
I actually get the feeling that attending the class may only serve to re-traumatize me at this point in time. My heart peacefully reassures me that it is best not to mix my vulnerable energy right now, and to instead remain in my own heart space. As I ponder this concept, I remember many quotes from Rasha about how the most important thing we can do is maintain our own high vibrational state, even if that means staying away from the energy of others.
Even so, I find this debate fascinating, because part of me is demanding that I am wrong not to go to the class, and that I need to be more social, blah, blah, blah …
I choose to listen to my heart. It is only later that I learn that the class was canceled anyway. Only one person showed up.
Meditative Explorations
Soon, I begin meditating in my room. I reflect back to my time in Guatemala, and how Keith always began cacao ceremonies with a simple meditation called “The Glow Meditation”.
That meditation begins with a statement like “Let the smile in your heart find you.”
As I ponder doing this now, I realize that I have never really been able to FEEL this meditation – that I have always turned it into a mental task, trying to “DO” the meditation, always feeling confused by my lack of connecting. I even remember one time when Keith had asked me if I ever wondered why I never feel “The Glow Meditation”. I had felt surprised that he knew that … but we had never discussed my answer.
I close my eyes and go deep inside, trying to allow an inner smile, thinking about happy things such as children, pets, dear friends, and beautiful times in the mountains. I feel some weak, gradually increasing energies, but nothing like my mind tells me I should be feeling. I am still trying to “do” the meditation.
Suddenly, while in this meditative state, I feel intuitive guidance strongly telling me that I need to go into a past life regression. Feelings whisper that part of my emotional and mental stuck-ness comes from a past life.
Regressing To The Past
I have participated in several such past life meditations with Keith guiding the way, and I have even led such meditations for others, with amazing results. But I am a little unsure as to whether I can lead myself in a solo meditation. However, the guidance is so clear that I trust the process and begin to visualize the journey.
I first imagine walking into a large fenced garden with tall, black, iron fencing and elaborate gates. As I walk through the gate, I feel guided to head toward the middle of the large garden, slightly skirting around the right side of the circular middle section. Then I head diagonally to the left, then back to the right, eventually arriving at another huge, black iron gate.
(I want to emphasize that I am not much of a visual meditator. But in this meditation, I do see tiny faint visuals, but I mostly just FEEL them.)
As I imagine opening this gate on the opposite side of the garden, I feel the rusty hinges squeaking. After walking through the gate, leaving the garden, I turn around and close the gate behind me.
When I turn around again, I am engulfed in a thick fog. I feel it strongly, and actually see it faintly. As the fog gradually dissipates, I eagerly look at my feet for clues. I see the feet of what looks like a young boy. Intuitions immediately tell me that this boy is about twelve years old, with dimples in his cheeks and blondish hair that sticks up in the back.
“This is me at age twelve in THIS lifetime,” I immediately recognize with confidence. “This is a present-life regression.”
Social Suicide
As I ask to be taken to the first scene that needs to be explored, I am surprised when I feel myself wearing a bikini and walking up to the city pool in the small town where I lived.
I have shared this story before, but will briefly summarize. At age twelve I was deeply struggling with my transgender status. At the time I did not understand what it was, and was overwhelmed by inner drives to explore and experience life as a female. In the summer before starting seventh grade, I was a paperboy in my small central-Washington (USA) town of around six-thousand residents. One day on my paper route I saw this little bikini in the window of a small store. I had to have it. Before long I had purchased it and was wearing it under my clothing.
After a week or two, I felt obsessed with the idea of wanting to go swimming in my bikini. I resisted the idea for quite some time, but finally, as if unable to control myself, I found myself preparing to do just that. I put on my bikini and a swim cap, rode my bicycle to the local pool, and confidently walked up to the entrance counter. As I naïvely called out my season ticket number, the young boy behind the counter recognized me and, in shock, called out my male name. He was a popular boy from my grade in school.
I panicked, ran into the girl’s dressing room, and momentarily hid in a stall. Seconds later, I ran back out the front door of the pool. The experience was so traumatic that everything that happened after that has been blocked out of memory. The only thing I know about the rest of that day is that (to my knowledge) the police were never called, and no one at school ever teased me about it.
But the damage was done. I flogged myself for my insane stupidity. I absolutely knew that my horrible “gender confusion secret” was now public knowledge, and I hated myself beyond description. I felt as if my life were over … I felt doomed … as if I had literally committed social suicide.
Prior to that day, I had been socially confident and well liked. Yes, I was quite shy and insecure about being creative, but I remember no severe social struggles prior to age twelve.
After that day, I began to be uptight and suspicious of everyone, believing that at any moment someone could reach out and hurt me … tease me … harass me … emotionally destroy me. I isolated, and literally began to live my life with a combination of social dread and self-hatred. While in public, I put on a huge “fake mask” and struggled to portray the image of a normal, happy, young man … but on the inside I was drowning in struggle.
Next Scene Please
And now back to the meditation.
As I feel myself immersed in the middle of that horrible memory, I do so with detachment, not feeling much emotion of any kind. I have dealt with and thought about this memory throughout my whole life. Before I publicly wrote about it in my blog, a couple of years ago, I was terrified to tell a living soul about what a horrible little boy I had been. In fact, I probably had shared that story with less than five people in my entire life.
I have always known that the experience had profoundly altered my social life. And I have always known that I experienced deep emotional trauma as a result. But with all of the healing I have done in the last ten years, I also believed myself to have dealt with this experience as deeply as was necessary.
So when I visualize myself standing in this traumatic scene, not feeling much emotion, I ask my guides to advance my regression on to the next scene. I am stuck in my mind, thinking only at a logical level, and I want to be taken somewhere that will give me a clue as to what I need to work on next.
I HATE YOU
But I am not taken to another scene in my life. Instead, I continue to feel myself cowering in that curtained stall in the girl’s dressing room. I remain emotionally numb, wondering what is next.
Finally, I am shocked when intuitions show me that even with the many repeated times that I have revisited this traumatic scene during my healing journey, that I have NEVER EVER allowed myself to actually FEEL the agonizing emotions that I suppressed on that horrible day. In fact, I don’t even remember what happened next. I pushed everything down and covered it over, locking it away in a dark place – a place that was out of sight and out of mind.
As I continue the visualization, I remain cowering in that dressing room, still unable to feel. As I try sending deep unconditional love to that frightened little boy, I begin to sob, doing so as quietly as possible so as not to disturb my neighbor in the present day.
Gradually the sobbing intensifies as I allow myself to sink ever deeper into the emotion. I sob and sob and sob, while simultaneously feeling deep rage and hatred toward myself.
“You stupid idiot,” I feel the raging self-talk. “You are ruined. Your life is over. You are going to be arrested. You are going to hell. Everyone will know what you did. You have been exposed, busted, and will be seen as the loser, fraud, and pervert that you are! …. I HATE YOU … I HATE YOU … I HATE YOU!”
I remain in this emotion for what feels like forever, possibly an hour or more. The emotion is so intense that I feel like I want to die. All the while, the observer in me cheers me on, congratulating me for finally having the courage to go into this nightmare in a genuine way.
Layer After Layer
In a moment of deep hopelessness and suicidal self-hatred, I ask for help from Higher Sources, begging for assistance in doing what I have never before been able to do. Suddenly, the emotions I am feeling seem to dissolve and simply vanish.
Soon, another layer of deep emotional agony consumes me. I feel it deeply, and again ask for help. As before that layer also transmutes immediately.
Over the next half hour, I process through several more deep layers of absolute self-hatred. I am shocked by the volume of bottled up emotion that continues to surface. Intuitions are clearly guiding this whole process, showing me how this unfelt emotion has been the major source of my social struggles throughout my life. Because I had never actually felt and released this emotion, I have been unknowingly projecting it outward onto others for nearly forty-seven years.
Emotional Repression 101
Finally, when the emotions begin to settle, I ask my guides to take me to the next scene – to events that I have blocked out completely.
I soon feel myself racing out of that dressing room, running to my bicycle, and pedaling away in a panic. I zigzag through the streets of that small town, drowning in anxiety, racing to the same gas station restroom (about a mile away) where I had originally changed into my bikini. I feel myself destroying the bikini, and hiding all the evidence in a nearby trash can.
And then, in an effort at survival and self-protection, I put on a fake smile and go about the rest of my day as if nothing had happened. I finish my paper route feeling emotionally numb, repressing everything. I absolutely have to appear normal so that no one will suspect my evil nature. There is no time or place where it is safe to feel this emotion. There is literally no one with whom I can talk about it. This must be completely bottled up inside. No one else can ever know.
“Wow,” I ponder in deep recognition. “This is the exact time when I put on a mask, saw myself as a complete fraud, repressed all of my joy, and chose to hide from the public spotlight. This is when I tried to become socially invisible … when I began to clench my muscles, to walk pigeon toed, to talk with a stutter … and to hate myself with disgust.”
Of course, for years I have understood the logic of most of this at a mental level. But prior to this moment, in the depths of this present-life regression, I have never experienced it at a heart level – I have never experienced it in a way that actually helped to heal.
An Emotional Mine Field
Again, I ask my guides to take me on to the next scene of this regression. But instead, the meditation seems to have reached an obvious conclusion.
I quickly grab my notebook and scribble as many detailed notes as possible.
“This is the source of my inexplicable anger and annoyance with others who I see as being frauds that wear fake masks,” I scribble in my notes. “All of that is the projection of a twelve-year-old boy’s (my) repressed pain and self-hatred.”
Never before have I allowed myself into the depths of this forbidden anguishing pain. I suspect that there may be more layers to work through, but this is enough for now. Things are starting to make so much sense. I clearly see the series of perfect synchronicities that led me today into this particular meditation and profound insight.
I feel as if I am in a state of shock as I finish my notes at around 5:20 p.m. – as if I just raced naked through an emotional mine field.
“This is an even deeper reason for losing my voice, throwing a blanket over myself and hiding from the world,” I later ponder. “This is a major reason why I have isolated from people my whole life – why I have struggled with hate and judgment of others – why I have been so suspicious of people’s motives – why I have been so sensitive to peoples’ masks and hypocrisy. It was ALL ME – all me projecting my own self-hatred onto an external mirror – all me projecting that this experience had never ended and that others were going to attack and hurt me at any random time.”
Later Ponderings
As I later continue to ponder, I recognize that what I felt today was self-hatred of the deepest suicidal variety. It is obvious that if I had allowed myself to feel the depths of this pain when I was younger, that I likely would not have survived the experience. It makes so much sense that I repressed it, never allowing myself to feel it until now.
Even six months ago, I would likely have gotten deeply lost in this putrid emotion had I allowed myself to feel it at that time – and I likely would not have been fully capable of gleaning the understanding that I was able to feel today.
“I love you Bobby … I love you Brenda,” I repeat over and over throughout the evening. “I love you Bobby … I love you Brenda.”
The Full Gamut
Earlier in this integration period, just a few days ago, I read in “Oneness” by Rasha about how these types of deep “soul journeys to the bottom” are our biggest wish and desire in coming to this earth – that we came here to experience the ‘full gamut of human emotion’ – that we wanted to get totally lost and then find our way back against all odds.
“I did it,” I giggle as I ponder those words. “I made it through the terror and am indeed finding my way back against all odds.”
As I further ponder about those traumatizing events from forty-seven years ago, I remember how oddly obsessed I had been about wearing that bikini to the pool. It went against all logic, yet I had been unable to stop myself from doing it. It was as if something bigger than me had guided and driven me to do it – as if it were an important event that needed to happen in order to shape my future.
I now fully believe that this event was critically important to set me up for the lifetime of experiencing that “full gamut of human emotion.” I truly believe I designed all of those early events as a foundation to set up the emotional journey that my Higher Self wanted me to have. I feel as if I finally understand – and I finally love that little boy (me) exactly as he was, no longer judging him in any way.
Joyful, Liberated, And Free
After dinner, feeling profoundly joyful, I read chapters 37 to 39 of “Oneness” by Rasha. Based on my afternoon journey, these chapters resonate profoundly. There are so many quotable words that I could not possibly choose some over the others. I am almost done with my goal to read the entire book twice during this integration period … and I am so grateful that I am doing it.
I cannot explain the feeling with words, but I know inside that what I did today was profoundly life changing. As I courageously felt those emotions, I sensed old patterns vanishing and leaving me, I knew that dysfunctional fears and projections were literally losing their grip, and I immediately began to feel socially confident, even though no one else was around with whom I could interact at the time.
It blows me away that, in the past, I have mostly discounted the emotions of that swimming pool incident. It is now clearly obvious that every one of my critical social issues had stemmed from that event – yet for decades I continued to minimize and gloss over the emotions – not understanding how much they still ruled my life – believing that I would have to carry my social struggles with me to the grave.
As I prepare to go deeper into after-dinner evening meditations, I feel liberated and free for the first time in forever.
A Surprise Celebration
While sitting on my bed, intuitions guide me to do an “eighth chakra” meditation – one I learned from Keith a few years ago.
After basking in the already-joyful energy, I visualize myself climbing a spiral staircase to the top of my head, opening a hatch in my crown, and pushing the up button on the door of a nearby metaphorical elevator. When the elevator arrives and the doors open, I step inside, push the top button, and begin to rise.
As the elevator reaches its destination, Archangel Michael greets me as if we are old buddies. We walk arm-in-arm across a rainbow bridge to a temple-like structure filled with my Higher Dimensional friends. A feeling of joy permeates my soul.
To my delight, as the meditation continues, my parents’ Higher Selves join me as the four of us walk inside the temple doors. Inside, I discover a surprise party, held in my honor. I feel the presence of the Higher Selves of all my friends, and of those with whom I have struggled and sparred in this lifetime. I join with them in singing “We Are the Champions” as we all give each other high fives, slapping our hands together in celebration and congratulations.
I jubilantly call out “I am awesome and incredible.”
“Is this ego?” I quickly stop to question.
“No,” the answer comes back. “This is much needed self-love and celebration for my progress in waking up. But it is only a resting point … a view area of sorts … and much more remains to be experienced take a look at the site here.”
Encouraged And Guided
As I telepathically visit with my Higher Friends, they confirm to me that they all encouraged and guided me to go to that pool in my bikini … reassuring me that the event had to happen … that it was key to my whole life … that getting as lost as I did kept me grounded in this reality until it was time to wake up to my magic.
As I bask in this beautiful energy, it is all so clear. Literally everything with which I have struggled in my life was critical to my journey. It all served a purpose, and in this moment I can now see it all with pure love.
The meditation continues until well after 8:00 p.m. as the inner shifts, intuitions, and guidance continue to flow effortlessly. Eventually, I attempt to fall asleep, but I am so overwhelmed by the experience that I am unable to relax the magical energies that consume my body.
Giggling Laughter
At one point in the meditation, I hear several of my friends talking and laughing loudly down near the dining hall. As old patterns kick in, and I start to judge, I immediately pull back and reevaluate the situation.
“They are all so happy,” I giggle. “I love each of them so much. Why would that happy noise bother me?”
For the next couple of hours, I find myself giggling repeatedly as I hear frogs, crickets, birds, and other night animals all making extremely loud and “inconsiderate” noises.
“Hasn’t anyone told those frogs, etc, about quiet time,” I ponder with rolling giggles. “Don’t they understand the concept of ‘noble/quiet’ chirping and croaking? Don’t they know how inconsiderate their noise is? They are not following the rules with their instinctual self-expression.”
Wow! This experience and insight brings such beautiful silliness and clarity to my difficult journey with noise and rules. The projecting part of me has always demanded a “rule box” in which to fit and live – a box to protect me from the ‘others’ out there onto whom I had projected my suspicion and self-hatred.
“I love me,” I repeatedly reinforce the experience. “Another key and core emotional layer is now behind me.”
Gratitude overflows with joyful smiles and giggles as finally, at around 11:00 p.m., a restful sleep consumes me.
A Personal Reality
As I go to breakfast on Friday morning, April 11, 2014, it is obvious that I am very different. I feel happier, more confident, and (at least for now) unaffected by the energies of others. I feel so much more relaxed, casual, calm, and social.
I spend the morning meditating with another half dose of cacao in my system. I continue to reflect on the profound healing of the last few days. I go back in time, wondering why, at least as far as I know, that the young man behind the pool counter never said a word to anyone.
“Why were there never any external repercussions as a result of that traumatic swimming pool incident?” I search deeply. “Why were my parents never called? Why did my classmates never tease or taunt me about it?”
I remember that back in 1983, at my ten-year High School reunion, I had actually approached that same young man (the one behind the counter at the swimming pool).
“I want to apologize for that incident at the swimming pool,” I told him, intentionally leaving out all the details.
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” he had replied to me.
I dropped the conversation at that point and never discussed it again, wondering why he didn’t recall the incident.
Today, as I explore this topic, I clearly remember that young man calling out my name when I entered the pool. Yet I know that he seems to have no memory of the incident – or if he does, he was extremely forgiving and never told a living soul.
“Could it be that the entire incident was simply a stage play, only happening in my personal version of reality?” I ponder with curiosity. “Is it possible that in his dimensional reality, that the incident never even happened?”
In my heart, I get a strong feeling that the answer is “Yes … no one else ever knew, because it was a personal event, staged only for me.”
Wrapping Up
Just before lunch, I bump into the three women who have faithfully changed my sheets and cleaned my room during the last three months. Their names are Meis, Kati, and Carina. They seem genuinely sad that I am leaving in a few days. I feel their emotional genuineness. They always make such a big deal with a huge greeting, calling me, “Señora Brenda”. I will miss their shining faces. It seems surreal that they changed my sheets for the last time, just this morning. The day that I arrived here, January 18, 2014, literally feels like lifetimes ago.
After lunch, I go to the white board in the dining hall and officially remove my name from the list of people who are in a state of “mostly silence”. It is time to interact and socialize completely in my final few days.
Before returning to my room, I enjoy several delightful social conversations. I really am totally different, and a couple people tell me that they can see and feel that difference.
In the early afternoon, I finish reading (twice) the final two chapters of “Oneness” by Rasha. As I put the book down, I feel a sense of huge hope for the future – a future in which I get to dream with joyful eagerness and passion.
Later, in a dance therapy class, our instructor has us pay attention to what we can feel in our body. To my delight, I can literally feel everything, at an energetic level, from my nose to my toes. Just four years ago, during my Sun Course in Guatemala (At Las Piramides Del Ka), I remember how incredibly difficult it was to feel energy in most parts of my body. Today, that energy is so alive and radiant.
At dinner, in another deep connecting conversation with a new friend, she tells me that she will never forget me, telling me that I am so courageous.
As I listen to music while drifting off to sleep, I glow from a beautiful and social day. And I have now finished all of my goals – reading Oneness (twice), listening to all ten channeling sessions with Trish, and listening to Matt Kahn videos. These activities have been profoundly triggering and healing – profoundly influential in my process.
A Fuddy Duddy Adult
Early Saturday morning, April 12, 2014, I wake up feeling giggly, but tired. While lying in bed, I feel guided to grab little Bobby bear.
“Let’s play … Let’s play,” Bobby dances on my tummy, demanding my attention.
“I’m just a fuddy-duddy adult who is tired,” I respond in this out-loud-but-imaginary conversation.
“No you’re not,” Bobby-bear giggles back. “You’re a child like me.”
I start to debate, but Bobby’s reasoning is impeccable, and I lose the debate.
“Adults have responsibilities,” Bobby responds, “but you don’t.”
“Adults have to work like slaves, but you don’t. Adults are stuck in conditioning and stories, but you aren’t. Adults have to pay mortgages, and earn money, etc, but you don’t. Adults have fears of the future, but you don’t.”
I laugh and play with Bobby-bear for a while as he animatedly bounces and giggles on my belly.
A Solo Hike
It is time for me to start thinking about the future, and many travel ideas excitedly bounce around in my head. I try to stay out of making plans … simply trusting that I don’t need to make any decisions until the guidance is obvious. Nevertheless, the idea of new adventures is energizing.
I spend the morning enjoying another few hours of delightful socializing, even sharing more of my personal journey with several new friends.
After lunch, I set off on a solo jungle hike, hoping to find the same trail that I traversed with a group in February – the one to the huge tree about an hour away in the jungle. But I quickly learn that this part of the jungle is a mish mash of crisscrossing trails, all leading somewhere, but having no patterns, rhymes, or reasons. I use the sun as a general compass, and am extra careful to pay extremely close attention at every splitting or joining trail. I deeply respect the fact that a storm could come up quickly, blocking out the sun, and that these confusing trails could easily turn into an unsolvable maze. About an hour later, I find my way back to the starting point and return to my room (but not without first stopping at the village of “Tres Unidos” to buy another coconut).
I am glad I returned when I did, because heavy rains do hit at 4:00 p.m., and the skies are now so dark that I would have had a very difficult time using the sun as my guide.
That evening, I retire shortly after dinner. I am tired and ready for an early sleep.
Social Celebrations
Nice energy again fills me as I wake up on Sunday, April 13, 2014. I continue to scour travel books that I borrowed from the Temple library, gleaning tiny bits of information about possible adventure in the near future. I feel like a child preparing to go to an unknown Disneyland, considering all the possibilities, while being attached to none of them.
When I go to breakfast, I end up having so much fun socializing that I do not make it back to my room until after lunch is over.
Perhaps the most important event of the morning is when I walk over to the maestro’s casa. As Francisco meets with me, he does the necessary energetic steps to officially end my plant dieta with “marosa” – the one I had begun on March 22, just three weeks earlier. I am not sure how much the plant helped me during these last two weeks, but there is no doubt that it was a profound influence during the first week, and I know that the food-diet meals of plantains, rice and either fish or chicken were also quite helpful in my journey.
As has been the pattern of the last few days, I feel quite social, and enjoy many beautiful conversations throughout the day. It seems that my social fears and projections have mostly vanished, at least for now. I deeply hope that the shift is permanent.
All Is Perfect
At just after 8:00 p.m., as I attempt to go to bed, I literally am like a child who is going to Disneyland tomorrow. I simply cannot slow down the mind chatter … the excitement … and the desire to plan my future, now.
“Brenda,” I tell myself, “you still have at least a week before you need to make any decisions. So much is going to happen between now and then … what’s your worry?”
I use the above statement to remind me of similar feeling that I had in early April, 2009, about eight weeks before graduating with my Master’s Degree. At that time, in a channeling session, Trish had channeled similar words to me when I was seeking guidance about what to do when I graduated in eight or nine weeks.
One extremely hot topic of mental chatter is the fact that my tourist visa stamp (in my passport) will expire in June, and I would like to remain in Peru for a longer time. I have recently heard that it is getting harder to get permission to stay for extended visits in Peru, and my mind will simply not drop the topic.
“Stop,” I again tell my mind. “I can’t make any of these decisions now. All of my journey is being guided at a Higher Level. Relax … stop worrying … stop trying to plan … stop trying to figure it out. All is perfect.”
Perfect Endings
As I wake up on Monday, April 14, 2014, I find it difficult to believe that this is my final full day here at the Temple of the Way of Light. I spend much of the morning packing up my meager belongings – a large backpack and a carryon suitcase. I am fully packed at 10:00 a.m., leaving the remainder of the day for more delightful socializing.
A couple of those conversations are quite interesting. One young man volunteers that he noticed a huge change in me a couple of days ago. I mention this to another new friend, a woman closer to my age, and she confirms, telling me that I am “giving off a much more relaxed and open energy.”
I love the feedback, and have no trouble accepting it, because I feel the same truth inside of me. It is now more than obvious that the emotion I released just a few days ago, the repressed pain of a hopelessly lost twelve year old, WAS the source of my social uptightness.
For most of my life, I literally saw most people with guarded suspicion. I was wary of everyone until I sensed a kindred energy. Today, I actually enjoyed talking to several people with whom I could not have even carried a conversation just three short days ago.
This final day finishes off with a fun campfire experience. Shortly into the gathering, a huge downpour soaks us all. Were it not for the fact that my suitcases are all packed, and I do not want to have wet clothes tomorrow, I would likely have just danced in the rain with several others. Instead, I opt to follow a group to a nearby shelter. When the rains briefly cease, we return to the fire, but when the intense rains return, I walk back to my room, accompanied by two dear friends.
Tonight has been such a perfect ending to such a perfect healing adventure.
Back To Iquitos
Tuesday morning, a while before breakfast, I carry my bags down to the dining hall. Ninety minutes later, two cargueros (luggage carriers) heave my suitcase and my large backpack on their backs, and we begin the long hike. I find it hard to keep up on what turns out to be a rapid hike for more than a half hour. Finally we reach the small river that leads down to the “Rio Nanay”. More than twenty-five people crowd the large boat – most of whom are either Temple staff members, or are from the work exchange program. I am the only one from my integration group who is actually leaving today. Most of those on this boat are just going in to Iquitos for a temporary change in scenery.
A couple of hours later, the boat drops us off at the port of “Santa Clara.” I share a motorcycle taxi with my friend Diana and another young man from the current workshop group. Thirty minutes later, after a long and bumpy ride over dirt roads, the taxi drops me off on the street in front of the apartment where I lived for a month beginning in mid December. I quickly discover that the apartment is much more expensive when not rented for a full month, so I check a few nearby inexpensive hotels, soon ending up in the “Hostal Colibri”.
Weight And Taxes
A while later, after Diana is settled in to her own accommodations, we meet and go to an afternoon lunch together at “Ari’s Burger” – a popular restaurant on the Plaza de Armas, one that has a lot more than just burgers.
The restaurant also has a large industrial-grade scale in the hallway that leads to their restrooms. Feeling eager, I hop up on that scale, and am quite shocked to learn that during my three months in the jungle, I have lost around thirty pounds.
Later, after a delightful group dinner with many of my new friends, I retire early to my room. I have another pressing task to attend to. Prior to entering the retreat in January, I had prepared my taxes, but the tax program would not let me file because one of the online forms was not yet ready to use. Tonight, I get online, update all the programs and forms, and check the numbers one more time before filing my taxes.
It is late in the evening on April 15, 2014, when I finish this annual task. I can now rest. All pressing tasks have been completed.
Laundry And Typing
Over the next two days I take around 25 pounds of laundry to a nearby full-service Laundromat (half each day). Most of my clothing has been so moist in the jungle that it has a mildew/moldy smell. I also begin the arduous task of plowing through more than 800 emails, most of which are just spam or automatic messages that I do not even need to open.
After two nights in Hostal Colibri, I cannot handle the noise, so on the third day I find a nicer room, about two blocks away. I am at the La Casona Hotel, in a cool and quiet basement, with great internet … and even though the cost is a tiny bit more, I now get free breakfast and drinking water, so it all balances out.
I also begin another long task – that of typing up my handwritten journal. In fact, I spend most of four long days typing up all my scribbled notes. When I am done, I have 124 fully-filled typewritten pages of things to write about in future blogs – a task that feels quite daunting. Not having been online for three months, I am so far behind.
A Profound Benchmark Comparison
On the evening of April 20, 2014 (Easter Sunday), I prepare to meet my friend Jann. I had wanted to do another ceremony at Amaru Spirt – having another encounter with their powerful medicine and with the shaman Roman. But the center is temporarily closed while Slocum travels. With permission, Jann and I have decided that we are both up to doing a tiny private ceremony together, just the two of us, using a batch of ayahuasca that is quite similar to the one that had been so powerful for me back in December. (Note, unless you have considerable experience, it is NOT advisable to drink ayahuasca alone.)
As I take the boat out into the jungle, I am quite shocked by the level of the “Rio Itaya”. The river is at least twenty or twenty-five feet higher than it was in December. The water is now so high that it laps at the doorway of the boat driver’s small house.
The tiny, private ceremony is beautiful and uneventful. I find it fascinating to see how far my journey has taken me. In December, this same (more or less) medicine had been intense and had taken me through overwhelming and chaotic energetic journeys.
Tonight, the experience is gentle but deep, with no purging at all. Rather than energetic chaos, I enjoy a flow of nice, calm visuals. Nothing more, nothing less.
For me, the evening is a profound benchmark comparison, showing me the massive growth that I have accomplished since that difficult New Years Eve ceremony nearly four months ago.
An Ongoing Journey
After a couple days of rest, I then begin the tedious process of organizing, uploading, and posting all of my photos from the last three months. The entire process consumes most of six days.
Finally, on Saturday, April 26, 2014, after not receiving any future guidance for more than ten days, I feel an intuitive push that it is now time to find a local travel agency where I can purchase flight tickets to take me to Cusco. Just over an hour later, I have tickets in hand. I will fly from Iquitos to Lima on April 29, leaving at 8:30 in the morning. Then, after a short layover in Lima, I will catch another flight to Cusco, arriving in the middle off the afternoon.
Later that same evening, I am shocked when, as I try to go to sleep, my body is again extremely tense. As I attempt to relax my body, more layers of intense panic begin to surface.
“Wow,” I ponder with surprise. “This really is an ongoing journey.”
I do not judge the new layer, but simply love myself while allowing it to flow. Finally, around midnight I manage to fall asleep – and I sleep quite soundly.
Peaceful Wonder
I can only giggle when, at 5:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, April 29, 2014, I am suddenly awakened with a chaotic barrage of three simultaneous alarms – all of which begin within seconds of each other. First, my cell phone begins to beep, then my hotel phone rings, and before I can deal with either of the first two, my computer begins to beep LOUDLY.
I was trying to be extra cautious to make sure I do not miss my flight. The twenty seconds of chaos probably woke up all the neighbors.
Soon, after a short early-morning motorcycle-taxi ride, I arrive at the Iquitos airport shortly after 6:20 a.m., enjoying a rapid and smooth check in for my flight. At just a few minutes before 9:00 a.m., I am finally in the air, soaring above the lush and green Amazon Jungle below me. I feel fascinated by the numerous muddy-brown swollen rivers that snake randomly here and there.
It has been an amazing, adventurous, and profoundly productive four-and-a-half months in the Iquitos area. Since arriving in mid December, I have participated in 29 ayahuasca ceremonies, lost thirty pounds, and established numerous magical contacts and friendships.
But my deepest gratitude is for the unbelievable emotional and spiritual growth through which I have passed. In ways that are virtually impossible to describe or to fully document, I am literally NOT the same person that arrived here in December.
As I soar through the deep-blue, partially-cloudy skies, gradually approaching the crest of the towering Andes Mountains, a sense of peaceful wonder radiates through every cell of my body. I can only eagerly imagine what might happen next.
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved