(Note, this is part five of what will likely be at least seven parts. In this writing, I share my experiences from the first half of my third and final ayahuasca workshop at the “Temple of the Way of Light”. More parts will follow …)
Wow, it is already time to start my third and final month at the Temple of the Way of Light. It seems like I arrived here many lifetimes ago, yet the time has also seemed to fly by. I am so excited to see where this next two-week workshop takes me.
It is Tuesday, March 18, 2014. After new additions to my group show up just after 12:30 p.m., we engage in the usual, now-familiar rituals of flower baths, lunch, and an afternoon group introduction meeting where all participants and staff get together to talk about the program.
Empath Ponderings
As I meditate in bed, later that evening, I remember something one of my friends had mentioned during the chocolate ceremony I led on my birthday. She had been afraid that she would be unable to swim in the energetic currents that she was facing.
“Wow,” I ponder. “I think my own biggest fear is that I, as a coming-out empath, will drown in those emotional energies, being overwhelmed by their powerful onslaught, being unable to swim, to tread water, or to even float on my back. This is a very real terror – a terror that if I further open my heart, those very real energy sensitivities, of which I have been given many undeniable glimpses, will literally drown me.”
I go back in time and ponder the frequent empath trainings that I sat through on Keith’s porch in Guatemala. I now understand more clearly than ever the words that Keith often repeated – words about how most empaths are afraid to further open their hearts, because it will only make them more vulnerable to eating more emotional garbage.
I am ready to try again – to further open my heart – trusting in a higher knowing and divine flow of guidance. My heart tells me there is no need to fear. But that last heart opening (a couple weeks ago) gave me an overwhelming glimpse of frightening-but-magical sensitivity. I do want to further open my heart, but I want to also be strong enough that I will not lose my capacity to function. I know the key is to remain in that centered space, with my own clear connection to source.
Finally, as I drift off to sleep, I find it quite weird that I feel prickly itches all over, even though I only have a few bug bites right now. Even Bobby-bear’s fur feels prickly to my skin as I cuddle him. It is not until 12:30 a.m. that I finally enter dreamland.
Plant Dieta Plans
Early Wednesday, an intense rain drowns the jungle at 4:00 a.m., setting the stage for a relaxed, energized, and lazy morning. In the afternoon, at 3:15 p.m., I have a meeting with our new Maestros, Francisco and Maricela. I have organized some well prepared notes and I go through a long description of my physical issues, all of which are related to my inability to relax or sleep well, all of which are related to a lifelong struggle with blocked energies, and all of which have increasingly manifested as physical/ medical issues in the last decade.
Yippee, my explanations are quite convincing, and both Francisco and my facilitator agree that I get to do a “heart opening” plant dieta, one that will last for most of my remaining month here at the Temple. I will be drinking the plant “marosa” on day five of the workshop, on the evening of our day off between the second and third ayahuasca ceremonies. Segundo tells me that “marosa” is one of the strongest plant medicines in the jungle, and that it will really help me with heart opening and other energetic issues.
Miscellaneous Updates
On another note, I am quite aware of ongoing mosquito and bug issues. As it turns out, the young man at the other end of my building does have malaria, and is going home very soon. In the last two weeks, I have heard occasional quiet talk of several people getting either malaria or dengue fever in other parts of the Temple complex.
Plus, there is some type of “no-see-um” bug that has moved into our dining hall – a tiny invisible-to-the-naked-eye little pest that begins to bite furiously around sunset, leaving itching welts that last for more than a week. I have learned to wear my rubber boots to dinner. It really seems to help.
I am not too concerned about the malaria and dengue fever issues. Even though I do not use insect repellant, I am quite conservative about avoiding mosquito situations, and fully trust that as long as I follow my guidance, that whatever may or may not happen is perfect. Even so, I feel a heightened sense of alert cautiousness regarding mosquito bites. We are now entering a more intense wave of the Amazon rainy season.
And yes, I have decided to go into silence tomorrow, just after lunch, on the afternoon before the first ayahuasca ceremony of this new workshop. I have decided that my silence will be only partial. In situations where I really want to participate in meaningful conversation, I will do so, but in all other times and places, I will simply observe and listen.
Surfacing Squeamy Sensations
After crawling into bed before 7:00 p.m., I spend the evening meditating. But almost immediately I experience deep muscle discomfort as distracting and very anxious squeamies consume me (sensations of energetic screaming and squirming at the same time). The experience is so intense that parts of me demand that I give up and abandon my meditation now!
For the next five hours I practice love and gratitude as intense waves of emotional agony wash through me in the form of this very subtle-but-intense squeamy anxiety. It is like an extremely uncomfortable foot-waking-up sensation that consumes my arms, legs, and belly regions.
As I continue surrendering, I finally understand. These surfacing sensations are very, very real emotions – real energetic blockages that are moving, shifting, and freaking me out. Rather than fight and judge the craziness, I send love to the sensations, thanking them for having served me.
As I dive deeper into the experience, I repeatedly ask angels and guides to assist. I certainly do not know how to do this with my mental abilities. It is not easy, but through sheer willpower and courage, I keep going into and through the intense energy discomfort, doing so with a confident loving smile. A sense of inner “knowing” tells me I am actually doing profound release work.
Eventually, around midnight, the process slows and relaxation begins to consume me, allowing me to finally drift off to sleep.
Squeamy Surrender
At around 3:30 a.m. on Thursday morning, I wake up from a dream, already consumed in deeper meditation. I suddenly remember many discussions I had with Keith, regarding how my mother had unknowingly (in desperation to help and teach me to conform) used her “will” to psychically cut my energy flow at various places in my body.
“Is what I am experiencing related to that?” I ponder with budding curiosity.
Intuitions whisper, “Yes, many of these squeamy sensations are energy flows that are beginning to reconnect and flow again, and the discomfort is a complex combination of energies that I want to embrace. But the intensely uncomfortable sensations cause me to resist and I want to shut down all over again.”
For me, it is just like the intense sensation of fear that usually happens when blood first begins to rush back into a sleeping leg. At first, the discomfort is so great that I want to stop the process.
I continue meditating with nonstop unfolding insights through much of the early morning hours.
A Social Misfit
Later, on this beautiful Thursday, March 20, as I prepare for my first ayahuasca ceremony of this workshop, I struggle with deep emotional memories of two intense triggering situations with my facilitator. I won’t go into details, other than to mention that in both cases, I had been joyfully conversing with others when something I innocently said triggered him, causing him to sternly react and speak to me in a firm, in-my-face, confrontational way. In both cases, I know he absolutely believed he was right, but in my heart, I confidently enjoyed a different truth. I managed to remain mostly transparent and gracefully allowed my facilitator to have the last word, letting him have his truth and choosing not to engage in any way. I don’t need to debate or defend my truth. My own inner knowing and peace of mind is all I need. But I feel somewhat obsessed and heartbroken over the potential loss of the beautiful communication between us.
Rather than project externally, I take the confusing confrontations into my heart, and look inside for the true reasons that I might be manifesting an external reality that would trigger such repressed pain.
As I spend the afternoon meditating into my inner wounds – into the heart of “me” as the wounded little boy who experienced such social heartache on a frequent basis – I feel shock at how difficult it is to love this wounded little “me”. I understand his brilliance, his innocence, his loving heart and desire to be helpful, and I fully understand his intense confusion as he cowers from being socially punished, criticized, ridiculed, and hazed. But for whatever reason, I still feel deep disgust toward his “looser-ness”. That internalized self-hatred continues to have strong roots. Parts of me still want to beat myself up for being such a social misfit.
It is all a perfect setup for tonight’s ayahuasca ceremony.
Repeat Anxiety Squeamies
As the first ceremony of this new workshop gets underway, I already feel much more balanced in my relationship with my facilitator. The tension between us has magically vanished. I cannot speak for him, but I know that my “backing away and doing my own emotional work” has played a profound role in smoothing things over.
During my consultation with Francisco yesterday, he volunteered to sing personal icaros into my ayahuasca before I drink it, telling me it would help me have stronger ceremonies. I ask my facilitator for a full medium cup and then wait as the cup is passed to Francisco, who then spends several minutes quietly whistling a muffled song into my brew. I begin to feel the effects of the ayahuasca about an hour later, but they are not especially strong. I even consider asking for a second dose, but decide to wait. Soon, I am quite glad that I did not drink more.
The journey becomes quite intense and nausea consumes me. I have been trying to do more relaxation of the intense anxiety and “squeamies” in my body, and as a result of focusing on this intent, those repressed blockages begin to release in overwhelming ways, causing me to feel intense fear, terror and panic as the energies churn around in my muscles.
Repeatedly, I try to “surrender, trust, relax, breathe, and feel” (one of my new mantra additions) – but at the moment, I seem unable to find any sense of balance and peace.
Surrendering To Misery
By the time Francisco sings his icaro to me (about halfway through the ceremony), I really want to vomit. I don’t know if he is energetically helping me with what he is singing, but my urge to purge greatly intensifies as he sings. Intuitions remind me that when emotions like misery come up, that I need to allow myself to feel them so that they can move through me.
So I quickly surrender to the emotion and find myself quickly sobbing while barely being able to purge a couple of tiny mouthfuls of spit. When he is done singing, Francisco places his hands on my head and engages in a common shamanic “chupar” process, placing his mouth near my head and sucking out the dense energies. As he works, I do not feel a great deal, but intuitions tell me it is helping. Finally, he does something energetic with his hands all over my high heart and belly areas, telling me “tranquilo” (be calm, relax) as he moves on. For a minute or two I do feel much more relaxed.
But soon, the journey greatly intensifies. I do not remember much, but I am also being visually shown a great number of moving, geometric images throughout the night.
Eventually, near the very end of the ceremony, Maricela takes her turn at singing me a personal icaro. Again, her music is extremely intense. Almost immediately, I feel like I want to vomit, but I cannot. I repeatedly try to just surrender and trust, allowing what is to just be. I send myself lots of self-love, and repeatedly ask higher energies to show me the next step.
But I am so miserable, and just cannot purge.
Perfect Sound Cover
Soon, a massive lightning bolt flashes in the dark night sky, and barely a second later the maloca rumbles and shakes from the resulting thunderclap. The excitement serves to lighten the mood, but I remain very restless. I want to leave. I want the ceremony to be over and I want to get back to my own room. This is one of those moments where I never again want to drink ayahuasca.
As I sit impatiently, I begin to realize that much of what I am feeling is being strongly enhanced by the energies that I am again taking in from others. When I ask for an intuitive percentage, I get the inner message that at least 80% of what I feel right now is not even my personal emotion – that it is either ancestral stuff or from people here in the room with me.
At the start of the ceremony, I had set a strong personal intention for more ongoing heart opening – asking for it to come in a way that matches the “highest good” – asking it to come with balance, strength, and the ability to swim and stay afloat in the energies that do open. I realize that releasing all of this miserable emotion is part of what is necessary to make this opening possible.
Finally, after what feels like an hour of silence while pouring rains rage outside, the ceremony is closed. Ten minutes later, I take my umbrella in hand and slowly wobble my way back up to my tambo. The sounds of the thundering rain around me provide the perfect sound cover for what happens next.
Fear To Bliss
First, I simply attempt to meditate, but when the panic, misery, fear and terror again quickly return, I finally decide to “go for it”. I could never do what I do next if the storm was not providing me with such an excellent soundproofing backdrop.
I first succumb to an audibly loud and raging emotional release, intensely sobbing without fear of disturbing others. Soon, as an “urge to purge” comes on, I sit on the floor and grab my vomit bucket. With no fear of being overheard, I allow the inner screeches and wails to surface wildly. The noises that come out of my mouth are ungodly, sounding like energetic demons, desperately trying to cling to my energy field.
Finally, the purging comes, bringing sensations of even deeper misery that wants to be felt. As happened once before, the fluid is extremely acidic and bubbling. Intuitively, I absolutely know that whatever I just purged was something very big and deep – something that has been pending for a long time – something that is very real and that has been desperately refusing to leave.
Soon, I make a quick trip into the pouring rain, scurrying out to the bathroom. As I return a few minutes later, a huge branch crashes down from a nearby tall tree, just fifteen feet away, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. I hear the sounds crashing from above, and turn at the last second to watch. What starts as intense fear quickly turns into a rush of adrenaline and bliss.
“This is exactly what I need to do,” I ponder with a giggle. “I need to go right into the remaining fear, turning to face it, immersing myself in it, laughing with it, crying with it, and loving it.”
I soon return to my room to do just that.
Simply Fear
Finally, I find joy. Intuitions make it very clear that everything I have been feeling is simply fear of further heart opening – fear that the energies will overwhelm and drown me.
“It is all simply fear of what might happen,” I giggle to myself with profound understanding. “It is not yet a reality … it is just an imagined future.”
I had been playing with and hugging Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll for most of the ceremony, and now I hug them tightly again, holding them closely to my heart as I send love to my inner children. Soon I fall asleep and do not wake till just after 6:00 a.m., after which I return to a long beautiful meditation.
As I ponder my present state, I feel a noticeable lightness – a definite reduction of blocked and repressed fear. But inner whispers tell me there is still more to come.
A Personal Metaphor
After breakfast, I return to my room to continue meditating. I begin to pay close attention to a large buzzing bee or moth that has been flying noisily in the mosquito-screened attic directly above my bed. For several hours, it has been repeatedly buzzing and banging into a section of large window screens, desperately trying to escape from its makeshift prison.
Just a few feet away, there are ample cracks in some grass/leaf covered siding, but rather than taking a step back and looking for other ways to leave the attic, the large insect continues to do the same thing over and over, banging and banging into that mosquito netting.
I see the whole stage play in front of me as a beautiful healing metaphor. Some people I know (at times me included) keep fighting the barriers directly in front of them, determined to win the un-winnable battle. Eventually, they tire and die.
The only way out of these situations is to surrender the ego, to quit engaging in the battle, and to trust that there is another way out – but the “same ole same ole” just isn’t going to solve anything.
“I have been trying to forcefully relax my clenched, squeamy-filled muscles for a very long time,” I ponder a personal application. “Perhaps I need a new approach. Perhaps it is time for me to quit trying to fly into that immovable screened wall, and to instead get on my knees and to quietly crawl to a different opening, with guidance, trusting that another way is just waiting for me to surrender and trust.”
“The insistence of trying the same approach over and over can take lifetimes,” I further ponder. “The crawling with guidance could actually succeed in minutes”
Again, that unsolvable rope course comes to mind – and my own insistence that, rather than surrendering and asking for outside help, I must use my mind to solve the riddle all by myself.
An Urgent Rapid Purge
Shortly after 5:00 p.m., I return to the ceremonial maloca to prepare for ceremony number two. When pre-ceremony yoga begins, I attempt to participate, but am too tired and dizzy to even sit upright.
Just after 8:00 p.m., I follow inner guidance and ask for a full large dose of ayahuasca. For the second night in a row, Francisco whistles a personal icaro into my cup before I drink that nasty-tasting brew. Just before putting the cup to my mouth, I again express my intention for guidance in opening and living in my heart.
As I lie down, the nausea hits me almost immediately. It seems that I have an immediate need to purge something out … now! Even with the urgent need to vomit, I am determined to hold the ayahuasca inside of me. I glance at my watch to see if it has been long enough. It is only 8:15 p.m. – I want to keep the medicine down at least a little longer.
But by 8:30 p.m., I can resist no longer. I quickly follow intuitions to go to the restroom. I barely make it to the stall before the first heave pulses out of me. For more than ten minutes I purge and purge, wave after wave. I feel “intensely miserable” as the energies physically flow up and leave me, but the worst part is that I have to taste the ayahuasca all over again.
One thing that I find quite interesting is that, on the second or third purge, I clearly feel as if a slimy, enclosed, gelatinous sack of liquid-like substance comes up and out of my throat as a solid unit – kind of as if it is a living entity like a jelly fish or something.
Intuitions soon whisper that it is some type of parasitic energy / entity that has been living in my stomach – and that the “enchanted ayahuasca” (personal icaro whistled to it by Francisco) had quickly surrounded the energy and forced it out of me before any resistance could form. These intuitions feel quite accurate. With curiosity, I look in my purge bucket, but no such sack is visible.
The vomiting is nonstop for at least five or ten minutes. Intense misery consumes me as I whimper and moan while completely emptying my stomach and trying to collect my presence. Finally, I climb the steps back into the ceremonial maloca.
Good For The Night
As I sit back down on my mat, I try to smoke a little “mapacho” (local organic tobacco) to clear the taste and to ground myself. But neither of my two cheap lighters works. After a minute or two of, “click …. click … click…”, my facilitator walks over to check on me, quietly offering me his own lighter. I quickly bring a few puffs of mapacho smoke into my mouth and blow it back out. And I am grateful for the chance to briefly chat with my friend (the facilitator).
“I just couldn’t keep it in me.” I speak regarding the ayahuasca. “I think I purged the entire large cup. But intuitions tell me I am good for the night, and do not need to drink any more.”
To my delight, within five minutes I begin to see a glowing light (eyes closed in pitch black) in my third eye. It is kind of like the glow of a bright night light, illuminating images around me. I soon begin to be taken on a visual journey as clear as I have ever had before. At this point, I know that I really am “good for the night”.
The images and journeying are nothing profound. There are no magical visions or insights. It is just a pleasant flow of relaxed magic. Even though it is less than a half hour later when Francisco begins singing the first icaros, to me it feels like I am journeying for hours before his first music fills the room. I love how ayahuasca plays games with time.
Outside Of Time
My guidance tells me that even though my forced relaxation was perfect yesterday, that tonight I should just surrender and follow. During the evening I often casually return to my mantras. Occasionally, I start to feel a pulsing resistance in my head. When this happens, I imagine myself surrendering, putting down my weapons, and submitting to whatever energy seems to be pushing on me. On one such occasion, I feel a strong energetic beam, entering through my crown (top of head), expanding something inside of my skull.
Many times tonight, I express my desire for higher help with this or that. I decide to “just believe” that the help is there, even if I am not presently able to feel it. I do feel some, but do not get the visionary visuals that many talk about. One time, I feel as if a robotic doctor, some type of mechanical life form, is helping me. On a different occasion, I feel as if I am in a dark room, and I see it filled with glowing blobs of light. As the room rotates around me, intuitions tell me that each of the glowing blobs is a living being. I fully believe this.
The evening is filled with a great deal of beautiful experiences like this, but they are subtle, and do not add much intellectual understanding to the mental side of me. Intuitions tell me that the left brain does not need to understand any of this – and that I should stop trying to interpret everything.
What is amazing is that most of this journeying happens during that extremely long (but very short) half hour between the time that I vomited, and when Francisco began singing the first icaros.
Relaxed And Gentle
When Francisco eventually sings a personal icaro to me (third from the end), I question him afterward to make sure he had sung a special “arcana” icaro for my upcoming plant dieta. He smiles and lovingly reassures me that he did, and that I am all ready now to drink “marosa” tomorrow.
After that initial and very early purge, it was an extremely nice evening, very relaxed and gentle. My body is restless through all of this, but I simply ignore that fact, trusting that the twitching is just the nerves reacting to the medicine doing its magical job.
When the ceremony finally closes, I quickly pack up and return to my room. I still feel some dizziness from the ayahuasca, but decide that my room is much more comfortable with fewer mosquitoes – and wow, I actually get four hours of deep and restful sleep.
Sharing With Honesty
Saturday, March 22, 2014, is a day of rest for most of my group, but for me it is another day of intense ceremony. I am already in the midst of what I believe will be a forty-four-hour water-only fast (starting after lunch yesterday and lasting till breakfast tomorrow).
During the afternoon group sharing, I talk about that “gelatinous sack” that I purged last night. My facilitator validates that this happened to him once, and then another young man in my group tells me that this also describes his exact experience last night. I love the external validation, especially when my facilitator completely agrees with my intuitive assessment (even though I do not need his validation).
Another major insight also comes during this group share. I shared just a few minutes after another member of my group had expressed deep hopelessness about nothing happening in his/her ceremonies. When my turn came, I felt a deep wave of guilt trying to tell me that sharing my successes would make my friend feel worse. But I immediately recognize what for me has been a lifelong trap of making myself small so as not to hurt others. (Something from a Marianne Williamson quote that I love.)
So, when my turn comes, I share my beautiful journeys with genuine purity, fully knowing that this might further trigger my friend. When it is over, this friend then opens up and decides to share deep emotional pain with emotional honesty. I am quite proud of myself for following my heart on this one.
Trigger Testing And Magical Vibrations
I have noticed lately that a lot of old triggers have been being tested. Even though my track record is not 100% successful, I love how I am sailing by most of the triggers without even an emotional blip on the radar. I find it almost effortless to remain transparent and loving. The old me would have struggled through such triggers.
And it seems that after every ceremony, I feel more energetically alive. This afternoon, as I meditate in the middle of an intense rainstorm, I feel magical vibrations radiate through my body. I know that I am feeling the energy of the cleansing rain.
“Marosa” Time
At around 7:00 p.m., I stop by the maestro’s little house and participate in a short one-on-one ceremony where he does several energetic things, I express my plant dieta intentions, and then I drink a small cup of my special plant medicine. It is a tea from a plant called “marosa”, a small shrub that is growing less than a hundred feet from where I drink. The medicine is bitter but very tolerable.
It is the subsequent instructions that surprise me. Francisco tells me that I need to continue my fasting until tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. (for a total of 52 hours with just water and ayahuasca). When I remind him that I am drinking ayahuasca tomorrow night, and that we are not supposed to eat before a ceremony, he reassures me that in my case, it will be fine to eat just a few hours before drinking.
Francisco then advises me to return to my room and to meditate and concentrate as much as possible. He tells me that I will have visions, and will essentially be in another ceremony all by myself.
Intuitive Exploration
It is a very long night. By 8:00 p.m., I compassionately ignore a mild nausea and fill myself with love. I soon begin to see mild visuals, gradually equaling those of one of my better ayahuasca ceremonies. I completely surrender, concentrate, and ask for guidance to take my hand.
I begin to feel a great deal of pain in my upper belly, accompanied by very dark visuals – not dark in an “evil” sense, but dark in that it feels as if I am inside a cave that is lined with dark brown, slimy, gross-looking growth on the walls.
Gradually, intuitions tell me that these visuals are showing me the state of my belly, and how I see my own body. I begin to touch my skin, and increasing clarity comes. I realize that I see my sensuality and my body as being dirty, defective, ugly, and inferior – like a factory reject that will never be normal and acceptable.
Following intuitions, I spend a great deal of time tactilely exploring my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, exploring every crevasse, skin fold, bone, joint, etc, … loving, caressing, and deeply feeling my emotional reactions to each place.
“Wow,” I ponder frequently with shock, “I DO continue to carry intense rejections of my body, and especially hatred toward gender and sexual parts. I see nothing but imperfection in my genitals, and hate the fact that I see my body as a surgically altered factory reject.”
Soon, memory takes me back to a healing workshop clear back in 2004 – one in which I had given myself a new label as a “special edition woman”. That label had helped a great deal, but tonight I am shocked to realize that I still do NOT love my body as it is.
Alive In A Perfect Body
I spend what feels like hours focused on rewriting these perceptions – on loving my “special edition goddess body” – on seeing everything about me as a work of divine perfection that was planned long before I was born.
“I am sensual, sexy, and attractive,” I repeat frequently.
I giggle inside when I realize that, at least in this journey, I feel a strong inner drive to begin adorning and decorating my body with attractive clothes, and taking more time to paint my nails and honor my physical existence.
“I deserve to be loved by me,” I tell myself with genuine clarity.
This beautiful process last until after 11:00 p.m.. With such a beautiful experience, I tell myself that if this is the only thing that “marosa” gives me, that it is profoundly worth it and deeply magical. In this moment, I feel alive in my perfect body.
Into Lucidity
As I eventually drink a little water and head out into the dark for a bathroom trip, I am shocked by my unstable wobble and dizziness. I could almost use some help just to walk right now. This medicine is much stronger than I had expected.
After resuming meditation, I soon try to sleep, but the energies are too intense. There is a great deal of “beautiful but uncomfortable” energy shifting and twitching in my body. I find it impossible to relax or get comfortable.
Finally, at around 1:00 a.m., I suddenly find myself in the midst of vivid lucid dreams. It takes a while before I realize it, but I absolutely know that I never fell asleep. Somehow, I slipped right into a profound visionary state where I am literally living inside of a shifting, vivid, high definition reality. It is profoundly real, and yet very dreamlike in many ways. I am not controlling the experience in any way. Instead, I am simply watching, being a part of it while not consciously creating it.
For whatever reason, early in the evening I had felt strong intuition that I should frequently ask myself “Am I dreaming?” while simultaneously looking at my hands. This is a technique that was taught to me during my “Sun Course” in Guatemala as I was learning to try to Lucid Dream – learning to wake up while in a dream by becoming aware that I was dreaming.
But in this case, I never even fell asleep in the first place.
Beautiful, Clear, Visionary Experiences
The images are very clear, but seem to contain no meaningful message. I am simply having a fun experience.
First I find myself in a cafeteria, starving, desperately wanting some chicken. But I cannot find any plates. When I finally return with a plate, the chicken I had set aside is gone. After a long journey exploring similar scenarios in this place of food (it occurs to me I was in the midst of a very long fast), the scene suddenly shifts.
I am rapidly driving a cartoon-like car up inside a cave. Some cartoon character on a motorcycle is following me, trying to pass me.
“We’ll see about that,” I giggle as I consciously step on the gas.
I really giggle when I suddenly make a sharp left and the guy on the motorcycle comically gets caught in a cage as he goes straight. Suddenly, I am running on foot, hurriedly hopping and dancing through an Indiana-Jones-like obstacle course, with the guy on the motorcycle again in hot pursuit.
It is a fun and funny experience, very real, and very nonsensical. Yet I recognize my conscious interaction in the whole experience.
Suddenly, that experience changes to a series of beautiful, outdoor, nature and wildlife scenes – clear, vivid, and in broad daylight. The images are profoundly high definition and extremely lifelike.
Somewhere in this third scene, I realize that I need to go to the bathroom, and I open my eyes to get out of bed.
Shocked Into Fear
“Zzzzzz phphttttt zap” I suddenly feel a huge electrical shock as the high definition screen vanishes.
It is so real that it feels as if I were in an overloaded holodeck that suddenly short circuited. The shift in reality is so mind-boggling and reality-challenging, that a strong burst of fear consumes me. Where I was just at, only seconds ago, was so very real. But then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, combined with an energetic zap, I am back in my dark bedroom, as if I were picked up by a Star Trek transporter beam against my will.
I actually feel traumatized by the shock of this sudden reality shift.
Still feeling the shock, I wobble slowly to the bathroom. As I get back in bed, I cannot escape the fear and terror. The level of fear is insane. I am actually afraid to close my eyes. Literally every time I do close my eyes, I find myself inside a cave, seeing dark ceilings with spider shapes and ugly scary things on the walls.
The experience is profound, and intuitions clearly tell me that this is a test to see if I am able to master and overcome the fear. It is quite clear that I am being given a glimpse of a forth or fifth dimension reality – a reality of instant manifestation – and that whatever I am experiencing in my heart is what will manifest in my lucid vision. I am soon quite clear about this “instant manifestation” thing.
“The only way to survive here is to find loving trust in what is happening, and to release the fear,” Intuitions repeatedly tell me.
Beautiful And Intense
I lie in bed for more than an hour, feeling nausea while attempting to find that loving, centered place in my heart. Every time I close my eyes I immediately drift into very real scary images, so instead I keep my eyes open and meditate into the fear of, “What might happen if I lose my heart.”
During this hour, I repeatedly remind myself of my mantras – of my intention to find my loving center – to be present in the perfection of now, trusting in the perfection of each unfolding moment.
Eventually, I begin to realize that all of the fear that I am feeling is really just “Fear of the Fear.” I find it quite absurd that I cold be so afraid of fear.
Finally, after what feels like forever, I reach that desired state of love, surrender and trust. Once there, I close my eyes again and gradually drift into magical, lucid visions. While I do not remember any of the images from this point on, I am clearly awake and aware that I cycle in and out of intense lucid visuals for the next four hours. The images are nonstop and vivid.
One profoundly unique thing I also notice during this long and beautiful experience is that there is a very unique scent/odor in my nose and a distinct taste in my mouth. Intuitions tell me that this is the smell and taste of “marosa” working with me.
Another magical thing that begins around 11:00 p.m., and lasts all night, is that a low pitched humming sound vividly joins me whenever I am in the visionary states. I also get strong intuition telling me to pay attention to this sound.
Overall, it is a beautiful and intense experience, one in which I get virtually no actual sleep, yet I leave my bed in the morning feeling quite rested.
And there will not be much time for rest today, because the “trinity”, a series of “three in a row” ceremonies begins tonight. Having not had the usual break between ceremonies two and three, I am about to begin the second half of six ceremonies in a row.
A Fifty-Two Hour Fast
I can only giggle as I get dressed this morning. My waist has shrunk so much that my new pajamas are falling off, and my khakis literally would fall off were it not for the improvised belt that seems to need new holes on a frequent basis. Today I add yet another hole with my knife. I have now lost five inches off my waist since arriving in Iquitos in December.
As I tighten up that belt, I note that my entire lower belly region is physically hot to the touch. Something energetic is clearly going on in there.
I soon wander down to breakfast, but I cannot eat until tonight. Instead, I grab my specially ordered hard boiled eggs and place them in a plastic bag for tonight. The same happens with lunch as I enter the dining area only to slip some fish, rice, and plantains into small plastic bags that I then add to the large bag filled with eggs.
I feel extremely weak with this fifty-two hour fast, and desperately need some type of electrolytes to keep me going. Bless his heart, when I ask about coconuts, a young man volunteers to go get one for me. Coconut water never tasted so good.
At 4:30 p.m. I move my stuff down to the ceremonial maloca and then dash back to the dining hall for a 5:00 p.m. feast of my saved food. I made it – fifty-two hours without food … and I get to eat breakfast tomorrow.
A Drunk Man Or A Sick Dog
As I later sit in the maloca, I do not even attempt pre-ceremony yoga. I am simply too tired and weak – yet my body is wired and tense. An hour later, as I wait for the ceremony to begin, I hear loud breathing sounds, just outside the mosquito screen behind my mat. The sounds seem to be coming from right below me. They are rapid in and out breaths, and are very loud.
These inconsiderate sounds are deeply annoying me. I feel intensely agitated by the sounds, wondering how I can possibly be expected to make it through an entire ceremony with that loud breathing right below me. I try to take the high road and ignore the noises. I cannot seem to access the emotion behind the annoyance anyway.
There is also a group of integration people being very noisy up in the dining hall, but this does not bother me as much as the breathing. As I glance to my left, I note that another young woman is also looking around to see where the breathing is coming from (she later confirms this).
It is now quite dark, and I can only imagine that there is either a drunk man or a sick dog sleeping right below me. I think about going outside to check, but it is too close to the ceremony starting time.
Tense And Uncomfortable
Because of my “marosa” last night, Francisco had recommended that I drink a smaller dose of ayahuasca tonight. I willingly comply by asking only for a full small cup (one third of what I drank in previous ceremonies). For the third and final time, Francisco whistles a special icaro into my medicine before I swallow it down.
Immediately after drinking, I react with severe energy shakes, lasting for several seconds. It just gets harder and harder to drink this stuff.
The medicine comes on slowly, but I feel it very strongly when Francisco eventually sings the first icaros. I can already tell that this is going to be a good ceremony.
But my body is extremely tense and uncomfortable. I simply cannot relax. I want to squirm and get angry, but I know that this will not help.
Extreme Body Discomfort
“Wait a minute,” I suddenly remember. “This is just energy. It is not me, but right now I am deeply identifying with it. It is so familiar that it literally feels as if it is me – my burden to bear – my boat anchor to drag around. But it is NOT any of these things. It is just energy.”
“And just maybe, this is not all even my energy,” Another insight flashes into my mind.
As I check with intuition, I am told that most of what I feel is indeed in me, but that the emotions and noises of others are just triggering it to the surface.
“I have to be willing to feel this to release it,” I remind myself, “and I need to be sure not attach or identify with any of it.”
But the extreme body discomfort is so intense, I just want to isolate and run away from this place. It feels like a nightmare.
Intense Rage
Finally I find the inner willingness to actually try to access the emotion. As I imagine myself screaming silently at a group of angels, the angry floodgates open wide.
For at least fifteen or twenty minutes, my teeth chatter wildly and my jaw shakes uncontrollably as I allow myself to sob rivers of tears – trying to do so as quietly as possible.
Suddenly I feel rage!
“How could you put this emotional burden on an innocent little boy?” I silently rage at God, simultaneously knowing that it was I (my own Higher Self) that designed this lifetime.
This intense emotion takes me to the core of teenage trauma – into intense energy episodes of wanting to scream out loud. I cycle through agonizing memories of being unable to sleep, of being overwhelmed by confusion and craziness, and of an inability to function in normal social roles. In my youth (and older too) I pushed it all back down, burying the pain, bottling it up inside.
The intense sobbing soon leads to agonizing dry heaves as I force the energies out of my body. I fantasize that, just maybe, I might be able to physically vomit the rest of this out. I even go so far as to take my purge bucket down to the restroom. With no success, I try to gag myself, but nothing works. As I sit in that little restroom stall, I sob and teeth-shake for another twenty minutes while this anger physically expresses and releases in the old fashioned way. The whole journey is unbelievably intense.
Involving The Light
Finally, feeling more stable, I return to my mat in the maloca. But soon, I am quietly sobbing, teeth/jaw shaking, and dry heaving all over again.
After a few minutes, feeling exhausted, tired, disconnected and victimized, I have reached my limit.
“I am too tired,” I tell myself. “I can’t do this.”
“This is my choice,” I soon focus on trying to choose joy. “If I don’t do it, no one else is going to do it for me.”
I grab Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll and hug and play with them.
“Please show me how you can help me with this emotion,” I beg the light for assistance. “I am willing to go deeper if I need to, but I would love to transmute this when it is time.”
To my surprise, I immediately sink back into sobbing and teeth chattering, but I do it with joy and love in my heart. There is even some quiet laughter accompanying the sobs. Soon, I am done, and the emotion leaves, simply vanishing.
Almost immediately, peace consumes me as visuals and journeying begin to increase. I am so grateful for the training I received from Keith in Guatemala – experiential lessons that drilled into me how important it is to let Higher Dimensional light and love speed up the process of transmutation.
For the rest of the evening, my experience grows stronger and stronger. It seems to be one of my best visual journeys ever, but I remember none of it. I do know that there is a great deal of high vibration energy and movement that makes me queasy inside. I simply surrender and trust as I go deeper.
A Breathing Stream
By the time Francisco stops in front of me to sing an icaro, I find myself in a stable, peaceful state. I feel the energy of his icaro more strongly than ever before.
Later, I start to drift off as I wait for Maricela to make her rounds. Suddenly I hear her start to whistle in front of me and I sit up with a startle. Wow, her singing is intense. The energies seem to shake me up all over inside.
As I rest on my mat during the final half hour of the ceremony, I again begin to hear that annoying breathing. It is fast and heavy respiration. But to my delight, it no longer bothers me as much. I see it mostly as just “jungle noise”. Yet I am still deeply curious.
When the ceremony closes, I quickly pack up and walk outside to check out the source of that noise. I am shocked to discover that there are no living beings underneath the maloca. That intense breathing sound is a rhythmic pattern of wind and stream currents, coming from a short distance away out in the jungle.
I laugh inside at the absurdity of it all. I was absolutely sure that the noise was coming from a man or an animal. It had originally driven me nearly insane. And it was all perfect. That magical noise had served to trigger deep emotional issues, and the fact that it came from a stream is a perfect metaphor. Water is the element of emotion and is the perfect innocent source for my agony.
It could not have been a more clear message telling me that this was just an energetic battle, centered inside of me. It was deep anger at the energies – anger at God – all suppressed by conditioning that forced me to be good and proper.
More Puzzle Pieces
With a smile still on my face, I return to my tambo just shortly after midnight. It is a long and restless night as the medicine continues to work with me. In fact, the moment I step into my room, a sense of fear consumes me.
“This is just fear of fear,” I remind myself as I remember the fearful part of my “marosa” ceremony two nights ago.
I do get a tiny bit of sleep, but it is not much.
In the morning, I meditate deeper into the whole experience. The puzzle pieces continue to fit into place, as I gradually walk along this journey of undoing. I now understand that fear, and then “fear of fear,” were both major blocks keeping my heart shut down. Now it is quite clear that the anger and rage that I released last night – anger directed at God – was another element of the God Drama that made me refuse to allow my heart to open to Higher Energies.
Continuing this meditation, I am delighted to spend the entire morning immersed in a beautiful journey with magical energies swirling in my body.
Enough Yet Eager
I have never enjoyed lunch as much as I do today. It is my first lunch in three days. Yet, strangely enough, I am not overly starving. But I am saturated with plant medicines and my body is physically tired and weak.
Part of me says “enough” … but the healing and growth I am experiencing is so worth it. I am eager to continue.
With four more ayahuasca ceremonies to go, I am only half finished with this final ayahuasca workshop. Yet I feel as if I have already experienced a lifetime of healing in these six short days – six days that also feel like an eternity.
Gratitude fills my heart as I spend the afternoon napping and preparing for yet another exciting journey tonight – one that will be my fifth ceremony is as many days.
… To be continued …
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved