(Note, this is part three of what will likely be at least six parts. In this writing, I share my experiences from my second workshop at the “Temple of the Way of Light”. More parts will follow …)
As my first of three integration periods at the “Temple of the Way of Light” comes to a close, I am excited to have the privilege to participate in a special celebration – the seven-year anniversary of the Temple’s founding.
But before that, there is something even more exciting to do. During my final months in Guatemala, my dear friend Sufi introduced me to another magical young woman named Diana. We were casual friends until around October, when I decided to do my second ayahuasca ceremony. Diana happened to be a part of that experience. For anyone who read my November 5, 2013 blog titled “A New Chapter”, you will know that that ceremony on October 18, 2013 was extremely intense for me – an experience I would not wish on anyone. And yet, at the same time it was profoundly powerful. After vomiting out deep stuff for most of the evening, I was left feeling so deeply inspired that I absolutely knew it was time to fly to Peru and pursue a deeper connection with the plant medicines.
The experience of that ceremony also bonded my friendship with Diana. At that time I began the process of researching and signing up for my three-month retreat at the Temple. In a totally separate series of manifestations, Diana began her own process of investigating her own future with the medicine. With absolutely no joint coordination, through a series of amazing synchronicities, Diana found herself being hired as a yoga teacher at the Temple, arriving on February 15, 2013.
A Deserved Celebration
So, after breakfast on Sunday morning, February 16, I am quite excited to set off in search of a reunion with my friend. It doesn’t take long to find her. It still feels amazing that the two of us ended up in the same place, in a different hemisphere, under such unique circumstances.
Diana and I hang out together for most of the day. I give her a tour of the property, and we later play soccer together as the women staff members (plus me and one Shipibo woman) compete against the female cooks and cleaning/laundry workers. I still have the skills, and receive many compliments, but my endurance is so weak that after five minutes I ask to be replaced.
The seven-year anniversary party is a huge gathering. More than ninety local workers are employed full time here at the Temple … cooks, cleaning and laundry workers, security guards, cargueros (carrying things to and from the river), people to make sure the composting toilets are serviced twice per day with fresh sawdust, people to carry water everywhere, construction/maintenance workers, people that work in the permaculture fields, and many tasks I am not aware of …
So, most all of those ninety workers are present – plus their entire families, all of the Temple staff members, and those of us from the deep immersion program who happen to still be here during the break between workshops.
The celebration kicks off with a speech by Matthew, the founder of the Temple. Following that, the day is filled with activities, beginning with a soccer tournament made up of teams from each category of workers. It is in one of these games that I briefly participate against the female indigenous workers. Even though they look tiny and out of shape, they are anything but. They literally run circles around us gringos.
After the tournament, the afternoon is filled with volleyball and a variety of relay races, including sack races, three-legged races, tug-of-wars from various age/gender groups, egg-on-spoon races, and nearly anything you can think of. I participate in most of these. The only category where the gringo women even have a chance (me included) is when our physical size helps us overpower the indigenous women in a tug-of-war.
It is a very fun afternoon, and a well deserved celebration after a month of long and deep inner work.
A Consummate Loser
That evening, after a needed shower and dinner, I am eager for what I believe will be a simple campfire program. I go early, back up to the soccer field, wanting to have a comfortable place to sit. But after experiencing impatient frustration while sitting alone on a beautiful starry night, fighting off a few mosquitoes, I go in search of answers.
When the fire is still not lit, and music begins to play across the field (with a generator), I begin to realize this is more than just a fire circle. Soon, I realize it is also a dance party (and still, the fire is not burning).
I suddenly find myself in the middle of my worst projected nightmare. I first force myself to sit in my panic, but eventually, when the party is just barely beginning to get going, I decide to run for it. My emotions have already been triggered. There is no need to traumatize myself. Instead, I go to my room to process the insane fears and anxiety that have arisen.
As I sit in my room, allowing myself to go deeply into the crazy emotional mess, I am unable to find full release or closure. These social issues continue to run very deep. Eventually, I drift off to sleep feeling like a “consummate loser,” even though I know that what I am experiencing is just old patterns and NOT actual present-day reality.
Fully Primed
On Monday morning, February 17, 2014, I continue to wallow in the flood of emotion. It is the last day of our break before my next ayahuasca workshop begins.
“I am breathing,” I respond to one friend when she asks how I am doing. “I am having lots of emotion.”
I have a very positive breakfast, where one friend compliments my skill in soccer, and I spend a half hour walking with and talking to a few friends who are leaving today.
But I know that my primary task today is to go deeper into this swam of putrid emotion. At 9:30 a.m., I drink a full ceremonial dose of cacao so that when I return to my room at 10:15, I am fully primed to jump right into the processing.
Sobs To Peace
I struggle as I sit on my bed, attempting to access the emotion. Carefully expressing my intent to partner with the light, and expressing my willingness to go as deep as is necessary, I begin to engage metaphors to work with the subconscious. I first imagine hooking up a fire hose to this emotion, and then opening the valve while spraying it into the fiery pits of mount doom. Not much happens.
Soon, I imagine spraying this putrid emotional slime onto a huge group of loving angels. Suddenly the emotional flash flood hits me. Deep sobs engulf me as I dry heave with a hand over my mouth trying to muffle the sounds for my neighbor’s benefit.
Flashes of insight make it clear that I am playing out this social hatred with my guides and higher dimensional friends too. I AM angry at God and anything associated with divinity. This is more of my God / Deity / Separation drama.
I sob and sob for a while before finally asking the light for help. Gradually, the hopeless emotion dissolves into a loving relaxed peace.
This Is Inside Of Me
I love Carina, the local woman who comes to change my sheets just as this inner process is complete. But for whatever reason, I am not loving much of anything else right now.
As I try to continue meditating into “why do I feel as if social nightmares are closing in on me from all sides?” I am guided back to that mysterious image that was shown to me in the final ceremony of my first workshop, clear back on January 28. It was a “still image” – a black and white (or perhaps sepia) photo of an angry and hateful mob, capturing the emotion with their fists in the air and their mouths open as they yelled out their raging emotion.
It is an image that was accompanied at the time with the intuitive message, “This is inside of you!”
The image has not come up much in the integration period – even though I have literally been working with an endless supply of such emotions mysteriously bubbling from inside.
A sense of doom consumes me as I feel incapable of healing what is inside of me … as if it is hopeless, and I will die with this insane emotion still controlling me … as if it is safer not to even try. I have tried throughout my whole life, believing I will never be “normal or fit in” – knowing that every time I have tried in the past, that I have failed.
“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “Is THIS my core self-sabotaging issue?”
I don’t know if it is “THEE ISSUE”, but it is definitely at the core – and it is definitely locked into what feel like forever and hopelessly un-removable patterns.
Ancestral Revelations
In my present emotional state, I can only trust that what is happening is all part of a master plan – that there is indeed hope and possibility of healing. I know that the ceremony on January 28 was a setup for amazing healing – a setup that is now being pushed right in my face.
“Can I really do this?” I ponder amidst myriad emotions.
I feel frightened and doubtful, still struggling to remember the truth of who I really am. I retire to bed, still feeling the same stirred up emotions.
Early Tuesday morning, on the first day of my new ayahuasca workshop, I continue this meditation. Suddenly, new insights come regarding that still image from exactly three weeks ago.
“That image was like a very OLD photograph,” I ponder with clarity. “That little visual has a lot more hidden information than I thought. It is showing me that the hate I am dealing with – and the anger surging from unknown sources – is OLD ANCESTRAL STUFF.”
“It is old persecution stuff from my ancestral religion,” the insights just keep flowing as intuitions tell me it is early 20th century. “And it is coming from World War I, World War II, and the depression periods. In fact, when I think about it, it is obvious that the photo image reminds me of something that might have taken place in the late 1930s.”
I then remember how, as a tiny child, I was subtly conditioned to project intense judgment toward any type of protest movement – protests that were intense in the 1960s – protests on issues such as civil rights, women’s liberation, anti-war were intense throughout my early teens.
“I was literally programmed to hate rebels and protestors,” I giggle inside. “No wonder so many people trigger me, including my neighbor-no-more Peter.”
An Interesting Realization
As I sit resting, waiting for new workshop group members to arrive around midday, I start to feel more hope, but am still mostly numb in the emotional category. When the new people finally show up, I love their eager energy. I can tell it is going to be a beautiful two weeks.
Day two of the workshop proves to be just that as I spend the time reading most of the day, enjoying a new novel that I picked up in the library. But I also enjoy considerable social conversation with new additions to my group.
Day three begins with my favorite activity – another round of “vomitivos” – sharing the adventure with my new workshop group. I try to talk my way out of it, but my facilitator makes it clear that everyone should do this together at the start of each workshop. I willingly comply, even though the idea of “drinking lemongrass tea and then chasing it with oodles of water until I vomit” does not exactly excite me in a good way.
After breakfast, I enjoy delightful conversations with my new group until suddenly one of the new women goes on an unexpected rant about a political issue of which I happen to have an opposing view. Rather than engage in a debate, I simply disengage from the conversation and soon walk away. I don’t care what her political beliefs are, but I suddenly realize I don’t know how to talk to this woman any more. She has such an extreme viewpoint that it intimidates me. I find this to be an interesting realization.
A New Dieta
Later that afternoon, I have a consultation with our facilitator and with the new Maestros (Segundo and Anita). As I did in my first workshop, I describe all of my physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons for wanting to go deep with ayahuasca, we discuss everything for a while, and then the maestros prescribe a few plant medicines to accompany my journey of the next ten days.
I emphasize that I really want to go deeper in the process of “opening my heart energies” – and to my delight, Segundo actually prescribes a “plant dieta” for me – one that will run during the rest of the workshop. A “plant dieta” is not just a food diet; it is a spiritual journey with a specific plant (which in my case will be “Sharo Mashu”). In the Shipibo tradition, I will drink an extract of the plant one time, and then for at least three days, I will eat only one meal per day, consisting of rice, roasted plantains, and fish – all bland, with no spices. I opt to eat this way for the next eight days (but I start breakfast on day four and eat dinner on day seven).
The odd thing is that Segundo wants me to start the dieta tonight, right before our first ceremony – and after drinking my Sharo Mashu, he does not want me to drink ayahuasca for this ceremony. It feels strange to be asked to not drink for one of the seven ceremonies, but I easily flow with the situation, deciding to accept what is.
Struggling To Balance
As it turns out, there are four others in my group who were also given similar instructions, and two of them are not happy, one of which repeatedly tries to get me to side with him in an open rebellion of sorts. I refuse to go along with these emotional shenanigans.
I suggest to this young man that he is too attached, and that I just want to flow with what is. He responds defensively that he doesn’t care either way. I just smile and during an inconspicuous moment, I soon move thirty feet away. He is clearly upset and very attached to the “perceived” injustice of not being able to drink ayahuasca tonight. He will not let the subject drop, and soon involves someone else. I am glad I moved further away.
Later, while again sitting near the maestros’ house (preparing to buy a pipe for use in my dieta), these same two people come up and continue their debate about the injustice of it all. I try to ignore them, but soon feel myself absorbing their energy. Finally, I have had enough.
“Can you please just let this go?” I blurt out in repressed anger.
I immediately feel bad, because I know this is my own ego exploding. One of them responds angrily and I quickly apologize. Another friend (who is also in the same situation) quickly calms the situation by indicating that he can see both sides.
“I can too,” I respond humbly.
In the past, such a verbal exchange would have devastated me. Tonight, I manage to simply disengage as gracefully as possible. I don’t want to get lost in a swirl of low vibration protest. And as it turns out, the next few hours are repeatedly filled with more low vibration situations that attempt to suck me in. It is an energetic testing ground – one in which I only partially succeed. By the time my first ceremony of this second workshop begins, I am struggling to maintain balance.
An Experience In Trust
It is an uneventful ceremony. I was hoping that just being in the presence of an ayahuasca ceremony, even without drinking, that perhaps I might feel some of the energy in other ways.
I do feel some energy sensitivity during the long four hour journey – but mostly I just sit there … watching … waiting … hoping.
When Maestro Segundo and Maestra Anita sing their icaros to me, I do enjoy the experience – but I am mostly unable to focus or fully meditate, feeling confused and distracted till just before midnight when the ceremony closes and I return to my room. But even without drinking ayahuasca, I am awake most of the night, unable to relax. I can only assume that I am feeling some energetic effects from drinking the Sharo Mashu itself (which I did drink around 6:00 p.m. before the ceremony).
My head wants to complain about the evening. My heart reminds me that all was perfect, and that this is an exercise in trust – that I will have better experiences during the next week because of it all.
Front And Center
I am quite emotional on Friday morning, February 21, 2014. I have been letting inner head chatter pick away at me most of the night – head chatter telling me I am a social loser. I even start to cry just before breakfast when one young man asks me about the possibility of briefly using my Peruvian phone.
I am so stressed, and need someone to talk to. I repeatedly look for my facilitator, who is a very good listener. After lunch, that conversation happens. Finally, I am a happy bubbly person when our two hour session is over – and most of those two hours were just fun, getting-to-know-you spiritual conversation.
Soon, I am back in my room, scribbling away in my journal and quietly preparing for ceremony two tonight. I get the message that mental understanding is NOT important, and that tonight I should focus on being in my heart space and filling with gratitude.
And also, that mysterious black and white photo from the 1930s is front and center in my mind.
On another note, back in November, I bought a new belt which fit me perfectly on the first loop. This afternoon I switched to the fourth loop. I have already lost nearly three inches off my waist and my pants are getting so baggy that it is embarrassing.
Murky Visuals
As the ceremony begins, I am already exhausted and sore. It is hard to sit up, even with back support. The physical exercise of my last integration period has left many of my back and leg muscles in need of rest time.
When it comes time to drink ayahuasca, I feel inner guidance to go for it – to drink a full large cup (triple the small one). I start to feel the effects about an hour later, right around the same time that Segundo begins the first group icaros.
Even with the huge (for me) dose, I gently ease into the journey, calmly, getting lots of visuals – but those visuals are faint, cloudy, and mostly nonsensical stuff, some of which is quite weird, including slimy worms and snakes.
Gradually, I slip into lying down, realizing that the more I can relax (which is hard for me), the deeper my journey becomes. I often see a faint visual of some type of swirling vortex, and I express my desire to go through it. Occasionally I feel as if I am being de-molecularized, pulled through it, and then reassembled. The sensation, however, is quite subtle, and I receive virtually no mental understanding of anything. As usual, I forget most of the visual images.
A Long Night
Eventually, Maestra Anita arrives in front of me and I quickly sit near her at the end of my mat. As she sings an icaro to me, I feel some energy movement in my body, but have no mental understanding. The second half of the ceremony is quite similar to the first half – until Maestro Segundo sings to me at the very end that is.
As he sings away, I start to sob in deep emotion. Rather than trying to judge or suppress this strange experience, I simply surrender to it. I have no idea what it is about. Segundo is so kind, touching my head and face several times. I get the feeling he is working my energy.
Eventually, my tears stop, and he does a few more energetic things to my head and hands before he moves away. I lie back down and do not remember much more until the ceremony ends. I do suddenly remember that right before Segundo had sat in front of me, that I was beginning to go through a new, deeper wave of effects from the ayahuasca – like going to a deeper journeying level, to which I had surrendered.
When our facilitator closes the ceremony, I am still deep in that journey. I had made several purging trips to the bathroom tonight, but none of them involved vomiting.
Suddenly, however, after an hour of silence, an intuitive feeling tells me I will be vomiting involuntarily, very soon. In response, I quickly grab my purge bucket and go to the bathroom.
I am very shocked by what comes out. It is another round of intense, acidic, fizzing (as if carbonated and shaken up) fluid. The purge itself is a miserable journey, but when I am finally complete, I feel so good to have that out of me.
Normally, when I vomit, I get a feel for what is leaving me. But tonight, I have no intuitive guidance about what emotions they might be. I just know that I now feel better.
Acidic Metaphors
I remain in the ceremonial maloca all night long, but I do not sleep. Instead, I watch as my body jitters and twitches in the energies until daylight. At around 6:45 a.m., I wander up to my room and write in my journal. As I do so, I remember that when I went through one of those energetic portals, I had felt as if I were being taken out into space – and that while in that “space”, I had felt my body vibrating with intense, high vibration tingles. Overall, it was a lot of journeying, but quite subtle, with almost no mental understanding.
Later on this Saturday (day five of the workshop) I get my second meal (lunch) in forty-eight hours. What is strange is that I am doing quite well with the food situation.
It is only in meditation, preparing for bed on Saturday night, that I get the strong message that the acidic, bubbling, fizzing vomit was metaphorical. I really get that I purged some of the angry stuff that has been bubbling and eating me up inside.
Magical Beginnings
Sunday morning, February 23, 2014, I wake up in bed at 5:30 a.m., essentially already meditating. I am consumed by magical, tingling energies. I love the gift of grace, and hope to make this energetic state more of an everyday affair.
And it seems that I am back in the “social groove,” easily and happily interacting with everyone around me. It is a very social day. At one point, I ask a young woman in my group to tell me about her self. I am shocked when she talks nonstop, barely coming up for breath, for nearly a half hour, with story after story about her life struggles.
But I am more shocked when I find the beautiful heart space to simply listen with pure compassion, saying nothing, maintaining eye contact, sharing loving energy the whole time.
When it is all over, someone comments on my beautiful space holding, and I immediately respond with a phrase I had heard someone say in our “self inquiry” class this morning.
“We can listen a person’s soul into existence,” I repeat the quote aloud. I smile as I really understand what just took place.
So far it has been a beautiful morning of meditative energy, self-inquiry class, and socializing. But the magic is just beginning.
A Share Fest
After very social experiences at flower baths, and then lunch, I am sitting near Diana when she leans across the table and wants to know if she can ask me a few personal questions about my life.
“Of course, you can ask me anything,” I tell her, knowing that she knows my background and that I love answering questions.
But suddenly, another member of our group walks over and sits with us. I look at Diana and she looks at me.
“Share anyway?” I ask my heart. (Share my transgender story.)
“Of course,” my heart answers.
Before twenty minutes have passed, I have manifested a small women’s circle around me, and have shared my story with four other new friends, one of whom is a long-term facilitator here at the Temple. It seems that all fear of sharing in this new environment has vanished. I am so grateful. I love sharing, but it is always difficult in a new place, for the first time.
These beautiful conversations are loving and animated, going on for nearly two hours. I feel so free and loved.
Abstract War Images
Tonight is the first of three-ceremonies-in-a-row, often called the “trinity”.
As with two nights ago, I again drink a full large cup. I find it very difficult to swallow, as the taste is putrid, and energetic shivers are now consuming me even before drinking.
For me, the visuals are slightly more intense tonight, but still not very clear. The journey is casual, mild and gentle – strange, given that I am now drinking three times as much as in the early days of my first workshop a month ago.
But unlike previous journeys, I remember many of these visuals. They are abstract and weird, not at all descript or obvious. But every time that I ask for intuitive guidance on what I am looking at, the answer is “War Stuff”. When I focus, I can see the war theme, lots of abstract land mines, jeeps, tanks etc, but they are very distorted – almost “Picasso”-like.
Even when Maestros Segundo and Anita sing to me, I feel only subtle energies. It seems the only thing I get from the evening is “abstract war images.”
Purge Or Bust
Just after the ceremony closes, I feel a need to vomit, but as I try, I can only coax a horrible tasting mouthful of ayahuasca fluid to come out. Guidance continues to tell me I need to vomit, but I remain unsuccessful, and begin to feel quite miserable.
“I choose joy,” I soon commit to myself when I remember my God Drama journeys in late December.
The nausea briefly abates, but I soon realize as I focus on joy and smiling that the desire to purge is even stronger, coming from inside. But try as I might, every trip to the bathroom comes up empty, so to say. I repeatedly attempt to surrender, but nothing helps the nausea to go away.
A huge rainstorm soon drenches the area, and the roof above me starts dripping on my face. My facilitator quickly encourages me to move to the middle of the maloca. He also checks in with my energy and suggests that smoking my pipe might help me. I do this (as much as I prefer not to smoke) and then relax with Bobby Bear and Brenda Doll.
Thirty minutes later I know that it is NOW time. I quickly sit up and a vomiting purge comes easy. I am shocked when much of my lunch comes out as well. It is rare that I vomit undigested food, even early in the evening. Usually my stomach is empty before ceremony time.
A War Puzzle
Throughout the morning hours (after the purge) I find myself mildly journeying as I simply surrender and meditate. It is clear that I am doing deep journeying … but the memories simply fade too fast.
Toward the end of this journeying phase, the mysterious puzzle begins to fill in more pieces. The narrative intuitively goes like this.
“As a tiny baby in the 1950s, and as a magical empath, I unknowingly took in the energy of my father’s war traumas,” the intuition clearly guides me. “These were energetic things that he had experienced during World War II – things that he had pushed down and buried – things that were too intense for him to ever talk about. And I took it all in! My father probably never knew, and as a pure and innocent baby, I did it without mental involvement.”
“This is what that photo image was all about,” I giggle with clarity. “That hateful mob inside of me was all the energetic stuff that happened leading up to and during the war.”
I now clearly know that my vomiting in this and in the last ceremony was all about purging out those energies. Intuitions tell me that I am right on the edge of being done – perhaps one more purge tonight, or maybe tomorrow – but that it is all good and will be cleared out soon.
This information does not make a lot of logical sense to the mind at first, but I KNOW it is correct. The intuitions are profound a strong.
Finally, after a sleepless night, I return to my room around 6:00 a.m., scribble some notes, and unsuccessfully attempt a nap. As I reflect back to yesterday morning, it now seems like weeks ago.
Deeper Information Exchanges
Monday morning, as I briefly visit with Maestro Segundo, he asks how my ceremony was last night. I give him a brief explanation of how things are better, but that my experiences are still quite mild with the medicine itself.
“It will come with more ceremonies,” Segundo reassures me. “Hay muchos complicaciones (You have many complications).”
Rather than help, this conversation leaves me very puzzled, wondering what complications that Segundo can see, and wondering if it would help me to know more about what he does see.
At lunch, I ask my facilitator about what Segundo had told me, asking my facilitator if it would be OK to get a translator to go with me and ask more questions. The answer is yes, and soon, another facilitator sits with me in Segundo’s presence. It seems that Segundo was simply referring to the list of physical and emotional issues that I had told him I wanted to address during this workshop … but then I look over at the woman translating for me.
“Would it help him to help me if he knew my story?” I ask her, knowing that she is one of the ones I told earlier.
“Yes,” She nods. “It always helps.”
Soon, my secrets are shared, and I feel a deep sense of relief. I knew there would be no problem, but it was still scary. Transgender individuals are quite common in the local cultures, and widely accepted. Yet that inner fear of rejection never fully goes away.
Pleasurable But Freakishly Overwhelming
Wanting to be safe about it, but also wanting to be in a good heart space for the ceremony tonight, I eat a half dose of cacao at 3:00 p.m., giving the heart medicine a full five hours to begin to wear off before I add ayahuasca to the mix. I want to play with mixing the two, but I also know it can be dangerous if done incorrectly, and that many have strong conflicting opinions on the issue. My heart confirms my guidance, and I meditate in the chocolate all afternoon.
During pre-ceremony yoga, I refocus on my mantras, bringing in lots of high vibration energy. By the drinking hour, I have been debating back and forth if I even want to drink at all tonight. Some parts of me are really rebelling.
But as I sit in the center of the maloca, my heart is very peaceful and trusting when I tell my facilitator, “I would like a FULL large cup.”
“Shake it off,” my facilitator smiles at me as I quiver and shake in rejection of the medicine. It is one of the most nasty-tasting mixes yet, and one of the most difficult to keep down.
It is hard to describe. Before drinking, just the thought of doing so sent lightning spikes up and down my spine. After drinking, that lightning continues in a different way. It is “nice but intense”, “pleasurable but freakishly overwhelming.”
Energetically Assisting
As is common with me, most of this ceremony is now lost to conscious memory, as if it were all a forgotten dream. But I do remember the important parts. And I had slightly better visuals, lots of them that were even semi logical – but I did not receive a lot of intuition at first.
“FEEL the emotion of joy in your heart when you repeat your mantra,” Intuition guides me early on. I have begun to mentalize the words of my mantras, and have started to not feel them as deeply.
I focus all concentration on breathing in joy and feeling it my heart like never before. I feel as if an inner heart furnace is beginning to ignite – as if new joyful love is starting to dance in simmering flames – a newly lit boiler fire that has not yet reached full potential.
Just before Segundo stops in front of me to sing an icaro, I continue anchoring in this vibration of joy and love in my heart … but in some ways I am still forcing it.
While Segundo sings his vibrational music, I stop trying and simply surrender. It comes so clearly that “I need DO nothing” other than trust, relax, and feel. Yes, surrender is required, but it is not something I do with the mind. I feel the icaro making subtle energy shifts in my field – nothing obvious, but I feel it. I know that Segundo can see my energetic state, and intuitions whisper he is assisting me in my journey.
When Segundo moves on, I lie down and fully relax. Wow, what a difference this makes. The more relaxed I become, the stronger the journey evolves. I do not remember anything visionary, but many nice intuitive “knowings” joins me during this stage.
Wow, Does It Ever
I feel nausea for most of the ceremony, but whenever I focus on joy and love, the nausea fades to background awareness, no longer bothering me. I know I will purge when it is time … there is no need to push the process.
I finally start to vomit just before the end of the ceremony. It is small spurts of foul-tasking stuff, nothing more. At least I let something go.
Around midnight, the ceremony is closed, the maestros leave, and I check in with my heart.
“Yes, I will eat another half dose of cacao.” Intuitions tell me. “It has been long enough that the ayahuasca is backing off, and I feel quite safe.”
And I know that Keith (Cacao Shaman in Guatemala) has often talked about some shamans in the Amazon that give people a little cacao near the end of a ceremony, adding that it helps strengthen and prolong the experience.
And wow, does it ever.
All Gone
Within fifteen minutes of munching down the cacao, I am back in deep journey, better than ever before. And I am receiving very clear intuitive guidance that ALL of my father’s war energy has now been cleared. I repeatedly ask “Is this really so?” and the answer is a strong “YES” each time that I ask. I finally believe it.
I then clearly understand that when I took this in as a baby, that all of this inherited emotion clumped onto my heart and shut me down completely. I was never able to shake it off until now. The nervous, anxious, annoyed energy – the struggling of frustration that my father often let show under stress – was all shared with me and caused me to do the same. In his life, he kept it beautifully in check, but I believe this is one reason he could never slow down. He was always busy, hurrying to this volunteer work or that, pushing, pushing, pushing. He seemed to love it, but I now feel intuition that it was his (and my) curse too – the curse of being unable to fully relax and do nothing. Whenever I have tried, all of the intense energy would sabotage me.
“It is all gone,” I giggle inside as joy consumes me. I realize I am much more relaxed and peaceful, at least in this moment. I know there is more, but those energies did not come from my father. A major puzzle piece is now filled.
Magical Experiences
During those early morning hours after eating cacao, I experienced several fascinating energy encounters.
First, I had a deep journey with a flashing purple light, like violet lasers entering through my closed eyes. As I observed these vibrating visuals, I actually felt energies pulsing into my brain, as if rewiring and adjusting things in unknown ways. At first, the intensity startled me, but when I relaxed and surrendered to it, the experience became more vivid and strong. I giggled when I finally got a glimpse of a shadowy figure behind the lights. It kind of looked like “Yoda” from Star Wars.
I also had an amazing journey with sound tones. Off and on, during those morning hours, I would repeatedly hear sound frequency tones, like the ones an ear doctor might play into headphones to see if you can hear them. The fascinating thing is that they were solid tones, with distinct frequencies, a variety of high-pitched tones – and they were all in the left ear and left temple regions. In some cases I was guided to understand that, in a way incomprehensible to logical mind, the sounds were also packets of patterns, being downloaded into me, modifying me in some way.
A Physical Sign
About thirty minutes later, my vomit purging finally comes, bringing conclusion to the earlier nausea. I get the message that this is some of that “other stuff”, and not more from my father.
I feel so free when the purge is complete. I don’t need to know exactly what it was that has now left me.
For the next two hours, I increasingly wish I had eaten less cacao. I am done processing, but am still journeying deeply. My body will not stop, I am exhausted, and I want to sleep, but the cacao keeps on fueling the journey. Finally, just after 3:00 a.m., the effects begin to wear off, and I walk up to my tambo, hoping to rest in the comfort of my own bed.
And YIPPEE, I actually do get a few hours of restful sleep. When I finally do wake up at 6:00 a.m., I begin to meditate and am shocked by what I can only describe as a magical experience of “unbelievable joyful energy that envelopes my entire heart region, front, back, and inside. These are pleasurable, magical, joyful vibrations like I have never experienced.
Something magical has indeed happened, and these energies are here to congratulate me on a job well done. Finally, things are starting to shift and open. Oh, how I wish the magical energies would last.
Curious Comments
Early Tuesday morning, as I briefly visit with Maestro Segundo while drinking a few plant medicines, I tell him about the beautiful heart opening and joyful energy that is still in progress.
“You need to be careful,” Segundo says with a smile.
He never elaborates, but intuitions tell me that my new openness makes me vulnerable to the same energies that caused me to shut down in the first place, and that I need to be extra aware of keeping my energy vibrations high.
Just prior to me leaving, Maestra Anita smiles and mentions that she helped me clean out my stomach last night. How I wish I could spend more time with the Maestros, learning exactly what they do and see in ceremonies.
Subtle Connections
Later that same morning, I unknowingly make an energetic connection to a woman in my group who has been really struggling. At the time, my heart is glowing so strongly that none of her energy touches me. It is not until later that I see how this was a perfect setup.
As the day continues on, I feel more relaxed and at peace than ever in recent memory. One friend tells me that she can see the difference in me … that it is obvious. I realize that the change is not the “addition of peace”, but is the removal of a huge amount of agitated inner craziness that has been living in me since I was a baby. I feel alive and amazing, filled with hope and freedom.
Still wanting to experiment with cacao (note, there are reasons to be very careful), I eat a half dose in the late afternoon, at 4:20 p.m., noting that there are still three and a half hours before I will be drinking ayahuasca.
When the ceremony begins, sharp energies pulse in my spine while I contemplate drinking the jungle brew. Since this is my fifth ceremony in six days, and my body is still literally saturated with ayahuasca, I only drink half of a large cup tonight. Even that much is difficult to consume. My body simply does not want it.
A Magical Journey (With Nausea)
Once the medicine is in my belly, my body relaxes and I rest on my mat while focusing on my mantras.
To my delight, I slip into a journey quite rapidly, and it is calm and peaceful. I attribute both of these observations to having some cacao in my system. I am not wearing a watch, and have no concept of time, but it seems like I literally journey for several hours before Segundo begins the first group icaro (which is usually about an hour after we drink). (Time is always very different while under the influence of ayahuasca.) I am delighted by the magic of my journey. As usually happens with me, I receive very little guidance, and feel intuitively that I should simply breathe and enjoy.
I am puzzled, a while later, when I note that even though I am deeply journeying, I feel almost NO connection to my heart. When I try to reestablish that heart centering, I am unable to do so.
Also, throughout the night, I feel a mild background nausea, and wonder if perhaps the cacao is related. Many times I cycle into trying to vomit, only to begin to feel miserable. When I back off and “choose joy and love” the nausea subsides. Part of me knows I need to vomit, but is terrified to go into the energies at the core. I am quite confused in this arena. I don’t want to sabotage or scam myself, but I do want to feel emotions that need to be released. It is an inner battle that does not have a mental solution.
Finally, as our facilitator closes the ceremony, I opt to munch down on a tiny bit more cacao, hoping it will help bring clarity to this nausea.
A Sandblasting Attack
A few minutes later I begin to feel deeply annoyed, anxious, judgmental, controlling, up tight, and excessively nervous.
“I just let this emotional craziness ALL go last night,” I ponder with confusion and chaos, “and I have had a beautiful, calm, peaceful journey for hours, without even a hint of such emotion. What is going on?”
Head chatter consumes me for a few minutes before I finally remember a pre-ceremony intention I had set – an intention to “work with empath energies and to understand how I suck this stuff into my field and eat it all, over and over and over again.
“Is what I am feeling even mine?” I quickly check my intuition.
“NO,” the answer instantly fills me. “I am sucking it in from others who are not able to fully feel it themselves … doing the same thing I did with my father’s wartime energy when I was a tiny baby … and if I am not careful I will clog up my heart all over again.”
“Madre Ayahuasca,” I beg, “can you help me understand what I am doing and why?”
The intuitions flow quickly, and I soon understand that what I am feeling right now belongs to the same struggling woman with whom I made a subtle energetic connection this morning. There is no doubt in my mind that right now, she is intensely struggling with all of these emotions.
Insights continue to show me how I have done this throughout my life – how I establish a “sympathy” connection with people, lowering my vibration to help them, and how, if my heart is not strong, I then take in their emotions, thinking those emotions are mine. I cannot even begin to describe the experience in words. The insights are magical and profound, but right now, my energy is suddenly so compromised that I cannot stop the crazy emotions from entering me. It actually feels as if I am being sandblasted by intense agitated energies – and they are not even my own.
Not My Panic Attack
Finally, in desperation, still unable to ground myself, I return to my room. I am very shaky, but I manage to make the early-morning ten-minute trek in darkness. Still feeling that underlying nausea, I again try to vomit, but cannot. As before this creates a head war of confusion about whether I should try to vomit or try to be loving and joyful. But the latter choice does not seem available. I still seem unable to move into my heart space.
I do not sleep all night, getting only a little agitated rest. As daylight comes, I am very tired and shaky. I still feel the ayahuasca working within me. It is intense and very uncomfortable, but I also KNOW that what is happening is good.
At around 7:15 a.m., I desperately attempt to meditate my way back into blissful energies, but soon a loud nearby chainsaw begins to shake the silence. I am still so energetically sensitive that the sounds feel like an attack inside my body.
“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “I am manifesting this noise to give me practice. It is showing me my sensitivities.”
As soon as the chainsaw stops I hear my immediate neighbor talking very loudly. I take out my earplugs and detect that she is having an extremely emotional phone conversation with someone back home. Over the course of the next hour or two, she makes and receives many more such calls. I am literally feeling a panic attack as I attempt to disconnect from her energy. I feel her words and emotions as if they are my own. The experience is agonizing and intense (yet is a perfect playground for learning).
I almost giggle when I think back to working with Keith in Guatemala, when I would repeatedly insist that I don’t know or understand how I feel the emotions of others. Now, it is so obvious. I have always felt them – doing so in such an intense way that I have always believed them to be my own.
A few minutes later, I step out of my front door (still feeling intense panic), and my neighbor surprises me by doing the same. When I very lovingly explain how raw and emotionally-open I am right now, and how I have literally been feeling a panic attack as I tried to disconnect from her emotions, while trying not to listen to her calls, her response does not surprise me.
“I was feeling a panic attack while I was making those calls,” She lovingly admits.
I simply smile. I really didn’t even need that confirmation.
Blessing Everyone
On this day off between ceremonies five and six, I spend the entire day in this open, emotionally raw, energetic journey – literally feeling as if I had never left the ceremony last night. I cannot function as I slip in and out of awareness. I hardly talk to anyone and avoid eye contact. All conversations around me feel like sonic attacks. I repeatedly drift off to other dimensions while trying to eat, and barely have an appetite. I am groggy and wobbly when I walk. Each time I close my eyes, I am back in a deep journey of craziness, in some other time and space.
During the afternoon “group share,” I remain silent, struggling to stay awake while awaiting my turn – which is second to last.
“Is the ceremony closed yet?” I jokingly begin as I proceed to explain my state of body and mind. At the same time, tears stream down my cheeks. I am so frazzled and exhausted.
“What I am experiencing is profound and magical, and I am very grateful for it. It is bringing me deep insights of a profound experiential nature … but the experience is so overwhelming that I am not sure I can do it.”
“I fear that I might be in danger of going SANE,” I add with a raw giggle. Tears continue to stream.
I speak for a long time, explaining all of the details of my intense journey so far in this workshop. I bare my heart with complete genuine honesty. When I finally finish sharing, many in the group respond with beautiful love and compassion.
“You are blessing everyone by allowing them to witness this,” My facilitator adds.
Fears And Transparency
Late Wednesday evening, as this ninth day of my second workshop comes to conclusion, I so desperately want to return to that relaxed, joyful, open heart from yesterday. But I feel so far away from that magical place.
I feel incapable of maintaining a loving heart space that is strong enough NOT to repeat this craziness again, over and over until it kills me. I finally truly understand why many teachers emphasize that our “light shadow” is far more frightening than our dark shadow.
Right now, I am terrified to return that open loving state … and terrified that if I do return to that open state, that I will simply be increasingly vulnerable to being attacked by more energies all over again.
Yet, I also KNOW that these fears are unfounded.
Past experiences have proven, time and time again, that it is when I am NOT connected to my heart that I subconsciously inhale the emotional energies around me. When my heart is open, and I am centered and strong in that heart space, I KNOW nothing can touch me. In that strong open state, I am completely transparent to heavy, dense energies.
A Huge Gift
As I further meditate into my present emotions, I clearly realize that I am nowhere as lost or shut down as I think myself to be. I am just exhausted and feeling overwhelmed by the powerful experiential revelations. I feel quite excited to gain this deeper understanding of how and why my emotional life has been so chaotic. My only real task is to live from a place of love, and to remain balanced and centered in that love at all times.
I have a new respect for my childhood shutdown – a new respect for myself – and a new compassion for my inner children.
For several hours, I rest in bed, meditatively basking in a flow of nonstop insights surrounding a life of emotional turmoil. Now, more than ever before, I understand the impersonal nature of emotional energy. We are surrounded by collective painbody energies (Eckhart Tolle’s term for emotional density / dark shadow energy). That collective energy is passed from one generation to the next, from one person to another. Once we identify with an emotion that we feel, it becomes a part of our energy field. In my case, I have identified with everything, literally energetically drowning at times.
In the last twenty-four hours, yes, I was bombarded by a flash flood of energy. But throughout the experience, I was quickly aware of it. I did get lost in the exhaustion of such an overwhelming flow – but at no time did I ever identify with it, nor did I attach to it and make it mine. I am very proud of myself, and excited by the magical growth opportunity. And my heart did NOT shut back down. I was given a huge gift.
Giggling Love And Compassion
Early Thursday morning, February 27, 2014, I find myself meditating in bed, feeling much more energized. Suddenly, Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll are dancing around on my belly.
“Get up, get up, it is Christmas,” Bobby-bear giggles as I supply the imagined words. “Santa left a gift in your heart.”
As I continue playing with my magical companions, I feel beautiful energy in my heart. For the next hour, I cycle between laughing and crying as new waves of joy and hope consume me, mixed with occasional release.
It is day ten of this second workshop. There are still two more ceremonies to go, and I am already sweating ayahuasca. “Seven ceremonies in nine days” is intense, in numerous ways.
But even with the intensity, I enjoy a beautiful, joyful, relaxed day. I feel so much love and compassion, and my external reality reflects it right back at me.
Brain Debugging And Upgrade
With another half dose of cacao in my belly (three and a half hours earlier), I again find myself waiting for my turn to drink that now-dreaded jungle brew. As has been the case lately, my body shivers with energetic rejection as I watch the first ten of my group-mates drink their ayahuasca. Suddenly, I get the intuitive feeling that I am actually feeling THEIR emotions of rejection, and believing it to be my own emotion. Wow!
As I finally sit cross-legged in front of my facilitator, I ask for the same dose as last time – one half of the large cup. As my facilitator shows Maestra Anita how much to pour, I nearly panic when she almost gives me too much. I am nearly convulsing with spasms even at the thought of filling my body with more ayahuasca. Finally, after struggling to find the courage, I take a deep breath, put the cup to my lips, and gulp it down. Energy flashes down my spine as I cringe and shake. It is my strongest reaction ever.
But once I get over the initial rejection, I sit in peaceful relaxation, waiting for the effects to begin. The medicine is slow (for me) tonight. I feel nothing for the first hour and a half. As Maestro Segundo eventually sings an icaro to me, I feel the energy in my head begin to increase. Eventually, my brain pulses as if I were receiving a rapid-fire inner water torture.
I get the feeling that my brain is being “worked on” and that clearly and obviously, my brain cannot figure out or narrate what is happening.
“I cannot undo my mind using my mind,” I ponder with surrender.
During the evening, I have many visual experiences, but the only one I remember is watching, over a period of a few minutes, a black bug crawling around against a white backdrop. Suddenly, I remember that metaphors are a huge part of my journey, and a flash of insight tells me that this bug means something.
“This is a bug in my brain,” I ponder with surprise. “The pulsing energy is debugging my brain … reprogramming … repairing … patching … downloading … and uninstalling viruses and malware … literally upgrading my brain.”
I surrender to the process completely.
I am surprised by the absolute absence of nausea or intestinal purging. I find myself in a beautiful state, and manage to remain peaceful even as my brain pulses “thud, thud, thud” all evening long. I know that things are being rewired, and that there is no need to narrate or understand with the mind.
Waking Up Sensations
Eventually, my shoulders and upper arms join the pulsing party, receiving some type of energetic modifications of their own. For the entire last half of the ceremony, the energy flowing through me is intense.
I wonder at times if I would even dare to try walking to the bathroom (if I needed to). I am not sure if I could even stand up without falling over.
But I know that things are great. The “foot waking up” metaphor returns to my mind several times as I ponder the intense discomfort of the energetic pulsing. I clearly know that my body is merely waking up, and that it can be quite uncomfortable when new life-blood first flows back into a sleeping body part.
Profound Empathic Validation
As the ceremony closes shortly after midnight, I remain deep in my journey – still feeling surprised by the absolute lack of nausea or purging of any sort.
Just to make sure I am capable of walking, I briefly step into the bathroom (outside and down some stairs). As I arrive at my destination, I experience a wave of intense nausea. Feeling shocked by the sudden shift in energies, I ask myself, “Is this nausea even mine?”
I am not at all surprised when the intuitive answer is “No.” In fact, intuitions tell me just who it does belong to – to a young woman in my group (I will call her Angela).
Not wanting to repeat another night of intense sensitivity to the emotions of others, I quickly pack up my belongings and stumble back to my room, almost falling once in front of the main dining hall. As I do so, that burst of nausea vanishes and never returns.
It is 1:00 a.m. as I crawl under my own covers, cuddling and playing with Bobby-bear and Brenda-doll. We do a great deal of inner processing together, as I further focus on healing and self-love from various ages of my life.
Suddenly, at just before 4:00 a.m., I again feel an intense wave of nausea.
“Is this nausea even mine?” I quickly ask what is now becoming an automatic question.
The answer comes back as a resounding “No,” and when I ask who’s nausea is it, the answer again comes back, “It is Angela’s”.
I quickly disconnect from the emotion, ignore it, and let it go.
But nothing could give me a better confirmation of my experience than what happens next. Less than five minutes later, I hear loud purging/vomiting sounds coming from about fifty yards away, from the direction of Angela’s housing quarters. Her purge has a profoundly distinctive coughing sound to it, so I know it is her. I absolutely love how the Universe is giving me this experience of feeling emotions, intuitively telling me where they come from, and then receiving irrefutable physical validation to back up the intuitions.
Facing Utter Exhaustion
I eventually sleep a tiny bit, but energy is rushing in my head and shoulders. Meanwhile, time goes very slowly.
At 7:15 a.m. on Friday morning, I hear someone chopping wood in the distance. My sensitivities are still so pronounced that the chopping sounds feel like pounding torture. Then a woodpecker loudly rattles into a nearby tree.
“This is going to be another day of exaggerated sensitivity,” I giggle to myself. “But I will do it with love and smiles rather than the craziness of two days ago.”
I am exhausted but mostly unable to sleep as I begin this “Day 11” of the workshop … and I am sweating the deep stench of ayahuasca. Often, it is so hot that I sweat while simply lying on top of my bed. I rest as much as possible until 5:00 p.m., and then eat another half dose of cacao before heading down to the ceremonial maloca. I want to be able to rest without fear of missing the ceremony if I do fall asleep.
As has become the routine, when I drink ayahuasca on this final ceremony of the workshop, my body shivers with rejection (but not quite as much as before). The way I feel right now is that there are too many ceremonies in too little time. It is insane, with no time to rest and integrate. I have no strength go on. But somehow I do go on.
A Single Giggle
At the start of the ceremony, I put out some intentions, hoping to gain understanding about what is next … what are the blocks, behaviors and emotions still standing in the way of my process?
Immediately after drinking, I lie down and relax, waiting for the medicine to come on. Finally, I begin to feel the energies, with some visuals, but I am not enjoying it at all. I feel a little nausea, and am quite miserable – at the same time attempting to stay strong, in my joy, love, and heart intentions. I desperately try not to get lost in that “miserable” state.
I am mentally obsessed with remaining “joyful” and not succumbing to the misery that wants to consume me. For most of the evening, I wish I could vomit, but I cannot seem to quite get there. I know this is some kind of ongoing lesson for me, but I remain clueless. It is a lesson that has been repeating itself since December 31, 2013.
I remain in this “miserable and exhausted” state for most of the evening, trying to stay in a “relaxed sweet spot” that I simply cannot find. I am simply too tense and too drained.
I do get one giggle during the night. When Maestra Anita finishes singing her icaro to me, she begins to move on and I start to move back on my cushion. Suddenly she reaches out and grabs me, moving back to my cushion. She apologizes to me for almost moving past me without singing to me. I say nothing and simply allow her to sing to me a second time.
Lost In Misery
Finally, I lie down, still feeling nausea, and unable to find release. Somewhere in the midst of this agony, I experience strong hatred toward ayahuasca, telling myself I NEVER want to do this, ever again. (This is a common thing to feel when going through the more difficult moments of an ayahuasca journey.)
Thirty minutes later, as the ceremony closes, I pack up and leave quickly. I am unable to rest and want to get to more comfortable quarters in my tambo. I am in bed by 12:15 a.m., trying to relax my extremely tense legs. The energy pulsing through me is quite uncomfortable. I continue to struggle, desperately attempting to remain strong and joyful.
At 12:45 a.m., still wanting to vomit, I take my little purge bucket outside and sit on the bathroom step. I hack and spit in misery for a while, but barely manage to purge a tiny mouthful.
I sit on the concrete edge in front of the bathroom for a very long time, holding that little bucket on my lap, desperately trying to resist the intense misery that wants to consume me.
Suddenly, I remember a question from a recent self-inquiry class: “What do you try not to feel?”
“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “My refusal to feel this misery is what is causing the misery to continue. I am still trying NOT to feel miserable, weak, confused, chaotic, tantrum filled, angry, energies.”
I ponder back to my “God drama” realizations (see blog “I choose Joy”, Jan 17, 2014), understanding how I have used misery as a reason to refuse to feel joy, etc…
I have used that experience to focus on joyful, loving, higher energies – but I now realize I have used it to deny myself of a real need to feel ALL of the emotions that remain entrenched in my emotional body – even the miserable ones. I am still in “spiritual ego” when I deny certain aspects of my self – certain aspects of expression that might be judged as improper.
My Fairy Godmother
Almost immediately after these realizations, I begin to quietly sob. I do so for a long time, perhaps an hour, allowing myself to experience wave after wave of misery. I know that others around can likely hear (sounds carry great distances here), and I attempt to be quiet, but I no longer repress what I feel.
Eventually, the emotions settle, the nausea is greatly reduced, and I feel better than I have felt all evening. My cheeks are still very wet as I continue to sit on the bathroom step.
Suddenly, I see a small light walking up the path toward me, coming from below in the dining hall area. I quickly cease all ongoing emotional release sounds, feeling somewhat embarrassed to be making a public display of emotion. I cannot say for sure, but I believe it is around 2:00 a.m. when this happens.
I am taken back by what I see. It is a woman, using both hands to hold a small light to her chest. She is of average height, and seems to be literally floating. The light she holds does not bounce or sway, it simply moves very slowly up the path toward where I am sitting. The closer she gets, the more I turn my eyes downward, avoiding all eye contact. I feel deeply embarrassed by my miserable emotions. By the time she is within range of seeing her face, I look only at her feet.
What I do see is the bottom of her beautiful, full, flowing, silk-like skirt. In the darkness of the night, I cannot tell if it is brown or purple. But I can see the beautiful folds of fabric as they sway with the gentle breeze, still seeming to lightly float over the dirt path, as if her feet are not touching the ground.
Still looking downward, I do not turn my head as I feel her float behind me and into a nearby housing building. It makes no sense to me. There are no women in that building right now. Suddenly, I neither hear nor feel anything. It is as if she simply vanishes. I get up to investigate and can find no sign of her. I wonder if she was even real.
“Was that a vision?” I ponder with surprise. “Was that my fairy godmother?”
Mystery Resolved – Or Was It?
Wondering if the mystery will ever be resolved, I soon return to my room, pondering the lessons of the evening.
“My continued block is my conditioned refusal to let myself feel the “Negative” emotions that remain stored inside of me,” I ponder with clarity.
Now feeling much better, I actually fall asleep and get several hours of unbroken rest.
On Saturday morning (day 12 of the workshop), I share my “fairy godmother” experience with several friends, wondering if the mystery can be solved. As I stand in line to get breakfast, giggles consume me as the answers come.
My fairy godmother was one of the young men in my group. He is of the perfect height and weight, and he is someone who walks with grace, like a floating butterfly. He tells me that he has a shawl that he only uses at ceremonies. He even later shows it to me. As he wraps it over his shoulders, I clearly see the similarity, but it is NOT an exact match.
I absolutely know that this young man walked by me last night – but I also know that my experience of him was profoundly visually enhanced – and that perhaps I really did see some type of superimposed vision. To this day, I clearly remember the image of that FULL, flowing skirt – and this young man’s shawl was quite different.
A Magical Wrap-Up
I spend the remainder of this Saturday, March 1, 2014, getting as much rest as possible, while continuing to have a few profound interactions with other group members during meal times.
It has been a magical and exhausting twelve-day ayahuasca workshop – providing nonstop profound experiences and insights, while giving me very little opportunity for actual, satisfying sleep.
Yet deep gratitude fills my heart. I have released so much emotion, I have felt my heart energies shift to a more open state, and I have been given magical understanding into a lifetime of struggle with empath energies.
I am excited about where this next integration period will take me, but for right now, the only thing I want to do is sleep.
… To be continued …
Copyright © 2014 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved