Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Giggles Of Spontaneity.”
Four late-morning vivid dreams remain prominently in my memory as I crawl out of bed on Sunday morning, April 28, 2013. None make much sense. One involved a huge scorpion while helping to set up Keith’s porch. The second involved an unexpected visit of an old friend, here in San Marcos – one who came to town but didn’t come to visit me. The third involved some people at a baseball stadium asking if I had had my heart checked. And in the fourth, I was at a hospital with a hurt left leg – yet the doctor would not help me. The last is so vivid that when I step out of bed at 7:00 a.m., I am quite surprised when I realize that my left leg is NOT injured.
The barrage of dreams leaves me clueless. I know the scorpion on Keith’s porch is symbolic of transformation and change. The friend visiting may be indicative of healing old social struggles. And the wounded heart and left-leg issues are both related to feminine/ intuitive/ right-brain energy connections, with the left leg likely representing my connection to the Divine Mother (earth).
One strange thing about the two body metaphors is that the heart dream involved bicycles and leaders from my former religion, implying that religious conditioning was still restricting the freedom of my heart, limiting my ability to continue on my journey. The leg injury involved a doctor refusing to help me, somehow implying that the healing I need is not a physical healing from the medical profession.
As interesting as the dreams are, I quickly set them aside as I spend a relaxed morning before hurrying off to Keith’s porch for yet-another Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony.
An Energetic Head Start
Around twelve people show up for this beautiful ceremony. I begin in a nice energy as I ponder recent writing about how my muscle clenching is related to my power blockages – to the power outages in my magical theme park. Intuitions tell me to focus on this theme as a meditative starting point. As I have done for several days, I focus on radiating a high vibration energy space while inviting Higher Energies to assist me in whatever is ready to let go.
During the first ninety minutes, even before the “Glow Meditation,” I experience a beautiful energy flow in my shoulder and forearms, as well as a little in the legs – something I have only occasionally felt in the past. I note that I again feel squeamys (squirming and screaming sensation at the cellular level) in my forearms, but am delighted to realize that I am no longer (at least today) feeling any associated panic. My heart overflows with love – lots of self-love for being exactly where I am in my process – loving and trusting that where I am is perfect.
Meanwhile, just as I did a couple of days ago, I invite metaphorical angels to help me further open blocked energy channels through lead walls, and cut wires. I do not get specific, choosing not to engage rational mind. Gradually, as I simply surrender and observe, I begin to experience an increase in fear. This emotion tells me that something is starting to move.
Confusing Emotional Intensity
As the group work eventually begins, Keith guides a friend through some beautiful empath work – the same friend I had magically assisted on Friday evening. My heart overflows with gratitude as I clearly see how my own former assistance contributes to this process.
Then Keith quickly jumps into guiding an unexpected group meditation – a pillar of light meditation that begins with first connecting to the energies of Mother Earth. I get quite emotional as I imagine the support of the Divine Mother anchored deep into the center of the earth as it lovingly rises through my lower chakras to embrace and hold my heart. Tears stream down my cheeks as I am deeply moved by this sensation of such divine love coming from a motherly source. It is only in retrospect that I recognize this as clearly related to two of my dreams this morning.
Then, Keith jumps into another group activity, doing an early empath training. I feel guided to follow along.
As the first stage of the experiential training begins, I again find myself feeling lots of love and energy flowing as soft vibrations encompass my heart. But suddenly, I feel deeply surprised by the level of fear and tears that surface, as if out of nowhere. The fears seem to be related to the terror of what is going to happen when I open to more of my empath magic – and the tears seem to stem from deep sadness being stirred up by an increased flow of higher love.
I sit with this intense flow of emotion throughout the training. It runs very deep. As tears continue to stream, I simply love myself … love my frightened inner child … doing so over and over. I repeatedly imagine myself holding a frightened little boy who is terrified of what will happen if even more of that dense, negative, emotional energy comes his way.
While continuing to direct all focus to self-love, I begin to wonder if perhaps I am scamming myself with this emotion. It makes no sense that I would be so emotional. I ponder the possibility that maybe I am bumping into a payoff of wanting to remain small and pathetic rather than choosing to fully embrace divine power. I continue to radiate and hold a high vibration state, but the emotional intensity remains confusing.
Overwhelming Self-Love
When the training concludes, I speak up, begging Keith for insight.
“Keith,” I ask with sincerity, “I am surprised by all the tears and deep emotion, and am wondering if you can help me understand what I am doing. Is this real emotion, or am I possibly scamming myself with God-drama resistance?”
“No,” Keith guides me with compassion. “You are not scamming yourself. What you are feeling is more self-love coming in, and it is overwhelming you. The tears are from feeling overwhelmed by the love.”
Keith talks to me for several minutes, during which he repeatedly emphasizes that I am allowing more love to flow into me, and that it is overwhelming at this stage of my process. As Keith soon moves on, I simply bask in this self-love – a process that is ongoing throughout the ceremony. I feel many new energies throughout my body, and those energies also feel quite intense and overwhelming. I also note that my shoulders are hurting a great deal.
“My shoulders were a huge defense against the energy flow to and from my heart,” I ponder with clarity. In fact, all of the pains I am feeling are related to resistance as I begin to drop those defenses, starting to allow more energy to flow through these forbidden places.”
I cycle for the rest of the ceremony, at times nearly drowning in the confusing emotions. I feel an incredible amount of self-love, but am simultaneously overwhelmed by sadness, fear, and even some anger. All of these emotions seem to swirl together. I watch and observe, not doing much of anything except feeling them, loving myself, and sitting in the confusion.
“What is happening?” rational mind frequently begs for silent validation. “Is this the right thing to be doing, just sitting here feeling intense emotions?”
A Confusing Surprise
Finally, at around 5:00 p.m., as the ceremony nears completion, Keith finishes a beautiful round of work with a new woman, and I glance up with a confused look on my face.
“You have a question?” Keith asks as he takes note of my puzzlement.
“Yeah,” I respond. “I am really confused by all the emotion I am feeling. I am feeling lots of self-love, but I am not happy. I am overwhelmed by so much different emotion.”
Before I say much more, Keith stops me and tells me that this is the confusion of my inner child – that it is a major piece of my God drama loop, and that it needs to be released. Keith adds that what I am feeling right now is the core essence behind my confusion pattern.
“Ask the confusion to get stronger,” Keith then guides me. “Lose yourself in it, and invite the light to help transmute it.”
“You mean confusion can be felt, released, and transmuted just like any other emotion?” I ask with surprise.
I love the idea. Prior to this moment, I have never thought of confusion as an emotion. Instead, I have been making the confusion wrong, resisting it, fighting it, refusing to surrender to it.
Surrendering To Confusion
As I close my eyes and go back into meditation, I ask the confusion to gradually strengthen … to take me … to consume me.
Ever so slowly, I feel more intense emotions swirling around inside of me. At one point, I begin to sob and dry heave. At that exact moment, at perhaps halfway through the first heave, I stop what I am doing and invite the Higher Energy to take and transmute this confusion. I now recognize the body metaphor of dry heaving as a signal that I have reached the bottom of a layer that wants to be thrown out of me.
After expressing this intent, I do everything I can to simply surrender, stepping out of rational mind, relaxing, and focusing on how I no longer want confusion to keep me safe and small. Rational mind continues to insist on doing a play-by-play description of what is happening, and repeatedly, I ask it to please stop, to please sit on the sidelines.
Over time, I begin to experience a great deal of tingling energy in the top of my head. It soon spreads to consume my entire head and shoulder regions before gently filtering down into my heart. As I simply observe, I note that the confusion I have been feeling gradually disappears.
I feel delighted that through the act of surrendering to the confusion – doing so with pure love – I actually feel the confusion dissipating. Gradually, a sensation of mild joy begins to come in, replacing the sad, angry, overwhelmed emotions that have filled me throughout the afternoon. Soon, I overflow with clarity, peace, calmness, and lightness.
A Frightened Child
“Can I share with you what I see?” Sufi leans over and whispers in my ear as people start to leave the porch.
“Yes, please,” I respond with curiosity.
Sufi then tells me that she sees me as being extremely close to opening up some amazing magic and power.
“I see a very frightened child in you,” Sufi then shares. “She is terrified, remembering what happened the last time you had this magic. She is in huge panic of going any further with this opening process.”
In an ongoing conversation, Sufi strongly recommends that I proceed with an approach that loves that child with pure compassion, moving forward at a gradual pace so as not to traumatize her.
I explain to Sufi that I agree with her one-hundred percent – that her words are exactly in line with what I see myself doing, moving gently forward with my inner child. I recognize that fear is the reason we shut down in the first place. I don’t plan to stop, but will also not jump forward too rapidly. Instead, I plan to hold space, following a divinely orchestrated flow, trusting my Higher Self to set the pace.
“Hold your child tightly in your arms, giving her loving assurance while continuing to go forward.” Sufi follows up with more guidance.
I giggle as she models this behavior by holding Bobby-bear in her arms. I have been doing precisely that, holding Bobby-bear safely in my arms every time we take another step into scary territory.
Sufi then shares another metaphor that she has visually seen as she meditated with me. She tells me that she saw me skirting around the edge of a large roundish area – an area that could be a small pond, a skating rink, or some type of energy vortex.
“You wanted to go inside the area,” Sufi shares what she has seen. “And you kept testing the insides, but your little child was terrified to go in.”
“Inside that area is clarity, awareness, energy sensitivity, and new magic,” Sufi finishes sharing her inspired insights.
Backwards Teachings
As I briefly corner Keith after the ceremony, he congratulates me for a job well done.
“You let a major portion of the confusion go today,” Keith shares his own insight.
For a few minutes, we again rehash my surprise at the understanding that confusion is an actual emotional energy that can be processed and released, and that we actually have to go into it and feel it in order to release it. I reiterate that all along, I have been resisting and fighting the confusion.
“This is exactly what society teaches,” Keith confirms. “We are all taught not to go into these things, that they are bad, and that we need to fight them.”
“Duh,” I begin to ponder. “Confusion … chaos … and similar states are all emotions that I need to release by going into them … not by making them wrong.”
As I walk home, I am quite proud of myself for having done exactly that today. I am surprised by how, upon deeply feeling the confusion, that I actually hit the dry-heaving reflex just like I do with other emotions.
The closer I get to my home, the more I begin to experience new levels of happy and joyful feelings. I hold little Bobby-bear to my heart as I slowly walk. Several times, the new happier emotions are so intense that I actually begin to cry. As I step through my door, I feel like a new person.
A Panic-Filled Terror
I am anything but happy and joyful as I wake up on Monday morning. I am overflowing with a weird energy – a heavy and deeply sad emotion that makes no sense. As I attempt to meditate, the squeamys in my arms and legs suddenly swarm with intense panic and terror – unexpected emotion so overwhelming that it is frightening.
I know this cellular emotion is related to the opening of new energy channels, and that the absolute shaking panic that I am experiencing is surrounding the inner child terror of actually opening up energy flows that once caused what felt like life-threatening chaos in my life as a tiny child.
“This is exactly what Sufi and I talked about yesterday,” I ponder with clarity.
I focus on loving myself precisely where I am, on loving my frightened inner child for having the courage to make this gradual, gentle journey with me. I know better than to push, and simply sit in this loving knowing while the intense emotion continues to flow.
A Baby Monster
Still overwhelmed by the emotion (but not buying into it), I call a dear friend back home, spending two hours in deep tear-filled conversation. Giving me yet another metaphor to work with, my friend tells me that as she connects to my guides, that she is seeing me as being pregnant with a magical inner child – an energetic baby that is very close to being born.
“The pregnancy is bringing up all kinds of fright,” my friend tells me.
She then shares another visual that she is getting, telling me that I am seeing this magical baby as being a frightening monster, with horrific, sharp, biting, piranha teeth – and that as I proceed, I am feeling terrified that that baby is going to eat me alive.
While I do not fully resonate with the metaphor itself, I clearly see that I am being given another beautiful way to envision what I am presently doing in my process. The metaphors are spot on with the state of my process and the insane fears raging through me.
Trusted Security Guards
After reluctantly needing to end my beautiful Skype call, I rush over to Keith’s porch, smiling, feeling confident and happy, being determined to trust the light and to keep going with embracing the light shadow, even in spite of the intense fear. I arrive ten minutes later than normal, but still manage to set up the porch before the afternoon workgroup ceremony gets underway.
But as the chocolate is served, I am again losing myself in strong emotional energy. It makes no sense to me as I struggle to maintain composure, trying not to sink back into deep tears.
As I sit and quietly meditate, I ask my Higher Self to assist me in whatever way might be appropriate. Meanwhile I focus on filling myself with love and peace, attempting to hold a High Energy space for myself and others. It is my intent and desire to further unclog more of my energy channels – perhaps transmuting more of the densities at the blockage points – perhaps working with those blockage areas as aspects of self that need my love and a new job description.
I begin with the latter, imagining my clenched areas as being trusted security guards – parts of me faithfully doing their job to keep the energies from flowing. I soon invite all of these security guards to join me in an inner conference room.
An Intense Confusing Mix
Meanwhile, Keith focuses intensive attention on a woman who is on the porch for the first time. He asks several of the magical regulars to assist in holding space for her, but does not ask me because he can tell I am in my own process.
I have managed to get myself into a flow of Higher Energy, but I also have an intense flow of fear and terror coming through me. I am confused. I am not sure if I need to remain in the Higher Energies and ask my guides for some type of expansion, or if I need to allow myself to go deeper into the emotions. I am trying to follow, but for now, I do not feel much guidance.
At times, I feel a slight hunch to briefly go into the emotion, and at other times, I feel guided to pull back, returning to the Higher Energies. I seem to be tiptoeing through an obstacle course, a little off balance, and very confused.
I am up and down, one moment in tears and the next in higher vibrations. It is a weird mix of energy, combined with a great deal of fear and terror.
Congratulations And Abandonment
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith briefly interrupts his work across the porch.
“I don’t think I am taking in any emotion from her process,” I refer to the woman with whom Keith is currently working. “I feel as if I am doing my own thing. I am feeling lots of terror.”
After Keith checks his own guidance, he soon tells me that he agrees with my assessment, and tells me that what I am doing right now is good, encouraging me to stay the course.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts a while later. “Congratulations are in order for not being a sponge today … for not slurping anything up and bringing it inside you.”
As I listen to Keith’s unexpected words, I clearly understand that he is referring to me being an empath, and is deeply congratulating me for not bringing in any of the huge amounts of emotional density that the woman across the porch is presently releasing.
“Thanks,” I respond before returning to my process.
Keith says nothing more at this time, and leaves me mostly alone as I work confidently on my own process for the remainder of the ceremony.
I do not recognize it yet, but over time, I begin to feel deeply annoyed by feelings of abandonment. I am observing as many others receive deep compassionate assistance from Keith, while I seem to be getting ignored, blah, blah, blah. The observation bothers me, but I pull the emotions back inside, knowing that abandonment feelings are part of my God-drama processing – part of my childhood tantrum being played out. I attempt to simply ignore these feelings, forcing myself back to following the other threads of my process.
God-Drama Compassion
As the new woman continues in deep agonizing release, much of what she is doing triggers similar repressed emotions in me (and in many others). But I clearly know that the emotions I feel are my own. This woman is simply giving me permission to ride her wave.
At times, I bend forward in sobs. Other times I am in the light. Sometimes I feel like screeching and wailing (tightly synchronized with the woman’s process) – but I do not allow myself to go there. Instead, I feel the emotions deeply and then ask the light to assist and to show me what is next.
Keith does beautiful work with nearly everyone else, and I remain confidently trudging away on my own, out of the picture, doing my own thing. Then Keith turns to Catherine, who is struggling in deep emotional pain surrounding God-drama issues. I perk up and observe with great interest because of my ongoing confusing issues with her triggers onto me.
At the depth of her process, Keith tells Catherine that what she is now feeling is the intense agony of the two sides of her God drama, along with all the intense emotions behind it. I would not be writing about this at all, were it not for what Keith says next, and for my own confusing process that unfolds as a result.
“This experience will help you have compassion for others in this place,” Keith coaches Catherine. “It will help you understand and have compassion for Brenda who has been deeply stuck in this place for most of the last year.”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with all my triggers with Brenda,” Catherine blurts back with an argumentative tone.
As these words leave Catherine’s lips, I sting with anger at her blatant denial of what both Keith and I clearly recognize. I know Keith to be right, but as he usually does when someone argues with him, Keith changes subjects and says nothing more about the issue.
Feeling To The Bottom
I am totally caught off guard by Keith involving me in this process.
In recent months, I have been fine with disengaging from Catherine’s process – fine with the realization that I have no power over her opinion of me – fine with accepting the fact that I need not concern myself with her process or how it affects me. Ever since a profound transparency experience a few months ago in which she attacked me and I was able to genuinely giggle in confident response, she has been mostly a non-factor in my process. Until now, that is.
At first, I sit in denial, attempting to remain transparent to what just transpired. But I soon realize that intense anger is boiling inside – anger at how I have felt repeatedly victimized by her unjust attacks on me, especially since I know with integrity that my heart has been nothing but pure throughout our tense interactions.
I clearly recognize this as a repeat drama in my life. I know that my emotions are not about Catherine, that they are not about the surface-level events that have transpired between us, and that nothing changes until I do.
But in this moment, I feel deeply stuck, victimized, helpless … and ANGRY. Remembering recent processing and deep flashes of understanding, I realize that I can no longer push this emotion down and just try to figure it out in my rational mind. It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that the real way to heal this is to allow myself to go down into the emotions – to actually feel them to the bottom – and to then surrender them to the light.
Clouded By Resistance
With fear and reluctance, I give myself permission to go beneath the surface of the anger – to actually feel it. I go deeper, deeper, deeper, and deeper, all the while feeling angrier, angrier, angrier, and angrier.
Soon, I begin to dry heave and bend forward in intense, overwhelming sobs. The anger I am feeling right now is all consuming.
“You’re doing really well, Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly speaks to me from across the porch. “Now, bring in the light.”
I try for a few seconds, and immediately realize I am profoundly lost in the story of what I am feeling.
“I’m trying to invite the light, but I am so deep in the emotion that I don’t want to,” I explain my confusion, glancing at Keith with a look of shock at the level of what I am feeling.
Over the course of the several minutes, I repeatedly try to invite the light, but the emotions I feel are so intense, that I defiantly and rebelliously do NOT want to let that “effing light” anywhere near to me. It seems that I have accessed a putrid reservoir at the very core of my God-drama anger – of my refusal to cooperate with Higher Energies.
Still hanging on to a thread of being the observer, I explore this rebellious anger toward the light, giving myself free permission to feel whatever is blocking me. Finally, a few minutes later, I sit up on my cushion, literally force myself to meditatively invite the light, and then do everything in my power to surrender the horrendous anger that I am feeling. Repeatedly I tell myself things like “This is not really me … this is old stuff that is now just running through me … I don’t want this putrid emotion in me anymore … I want to surrender this and give it up.”
Huge resistance continues to cloud the process.
Figuring Things Out
Gradually, during the remainder of the ceremony, I begin to feel increasing traces of light coming in, trickling into my body, working with my heart. After about thirty minutes, I feel as if most of the anger has dissipated. The rest takes time as the level of light inches upward. Finally, I begin to feel the sensation of mild happiness, but I never even come close to full-on joy.
At this point, I simply observe Catherine’s behavior from afar. I watch as she engages in boisterous celebration for the work she did, while still continuing to ignore what Keith tried to tell her – while still watching her intentionally avoid all eye contact with me. I would love to just smile at her, congratulate her, and patch things up between us, but she will not even glance in my direction.
Again, I feel annoyed and triggered. I know I am feeling deep emotions from a lifetime pattern – one that has repeated several times, beginning in childhood. I really want to heal this pattern, and I would love to spend twenty minutes alone with Keith trying to understand more about what I do, and why my relationship with Catherine remains so stressed. I simply want to ask for advice on what I should or should not do – asking if there might be something I should be aware of regarding what is, or is not going on behind my back. I just know that what I am doing is not working, and I want to figure this out. (Oops, I am in my head again.)
Begging For Help
As the porch dissolves into an hour of meaningless chatter, Keith steps down into the garden. I assume he will return soon, so I just sit quietly on my cushion, hoping for a mere twenty minutes alone to understand what I might be missing in this confusing situation. We have finished the ceremony very early, so I cannot imagine any possible reason why Keith could not sacrifice twenty minutes to talk with me.
Finally, at 5:15 p.m., I walk down to the garden, realizing that Keith is not returning to the crowded, noisy porch.
When I ask for twenty minutes, Keith initially tells me he is too busy, and that maybe we could talk later in the week.
“I really need to talk alone, about something I cannot talk about on the porch,” I beg Keith to reconsider. “It is something that is really confusing, and I don’t know what to do.”
My heart is pure and innocent, but I have to admit that I am coming from a deep emotion of resentment – from a place of feeling ignored and abandoned.
I perceive that Keith seems quite impatient with me, and I feel slammed for simply making a request to talk about what, for me, is a painful issue – one I have completely handled by myself for most of the last year. I simply want to talk to a compassionate listening ear, to someone that can give me loving advice, to someone who knows both sides of the story.
Lost In A Loop
“You don’t need help with this,” Keith tells me early on, in a tone that I feel like is slamming me. “You know what to do. You already know how to do this.”
“Are you saying that as a compliment?” I grumble with curiosity.
In a tense, beating-around-the-bush manner, Keith essentially tells me, “Yes.”
“It really sucks to not need help,” I respond, feeling deeply abandoned, ignored, and rejected.
“Brenda, you are in your God drama big time,” Keith tells me in what I perceive as a stern, condescending voice.
He quickly reminds me of my childhood tantrums with my mother, and tells me that I have now gone down into that loop again. As I push the issue, insisting that I want and deserve some compassionate help, Keith tells me that helping me right now would be enabling me – nothing but fixing me, causing temporary relief at the rational mind level, but then I will be right back here again. I strongly disagree … but I clearly recognize that I AM lost in a God drama tantrum loop.
Painful Projections And Drama
In an effort to own my projections, I will not share much more of the story from a negative light. In retrospect, I clearly see that I was deeply lost in a God drama loop, and at the time, I felt justified in my anger. I had cornered Keith, pushing him to help me, when his guidance told him otherwise. I provoked a painful confrontation, and he lovingly obliged, playing his role in that encounter. I was not at all happy with Keith’s responses, and I repeatedly pushed the issue.
Over the course of this short arguing conversation, Keith attempts to remind me of various points that I would clearly understand during times when I am not lost in the depths of a tantrum.
First, he tells me that this entire experience is my creation. At one level, I am able to own this, but the tantrum in me fights back, wanting to project blame onto Keith. I do not want to own that I have any responsibility for a situation that I believe to be the result of HIS behavior and not mine.
Next, Keith lovingly points out that his teachers did not cut him any slack in his process. He tells me that when he was playing out the same old looping energy over and over again (as I am doing now), that his teachers firmly pointed it out to him and gave him no wiggle room.
In the midst of this, I repeatedly argue and take emotional jabs at Keith. I am lost in the emotion of feeling abandoned, ignored, rejected, not helped, and miss-accused. I am determined to defend myself, and I make several painful arguments that I later wish I could withdraw and take back. I want to blame Keith for my emotional state, but he is simply playing along with my drama in his own way, for whatever motivation I do not know.
An Inside Job
Keith then turns the conversation back to the validating side, reminding me of his earlier conversation with Catherine, letting me know that he and I both know he was right when he pointed out her need to use her experience today to find compassion for me and others who are in their own God-drama stuckness. He clarifies that he told her the truth once, but she rejected it, and he did not push. These unexpected words calm me, pulling me back to feeling slightly listened-to and validated. I really needed to hear that.
I clearly see how I too have resisted and argued with Keith many times, and I can only imagine all of the missed guidance I have let pass by when I was unable to hear … like right now for instance.
“Keith,” I finally beg, “the only thing I wanted to know when I first asked for some time is whether you might have any recommendations of something I should be aware of … as to whether there is something I might say or do to initiate a discussion with Catherine that might help resolve her triggers onto me.”
“Brenda,” Keith asks firmly, but compassionately. “What do you already know about your lifelong experience with trying to work things out at the level they seem to be about?”
“I always ended up digging a hole and making things worse in the relationship,” I respond with humble acknowledgment.
“So there is nothing I should try to say or do to heal my relationship with Catherine?” I ask for clarification.
“Absolutely not,” Keith guides me with firmness.
He then coaches me that such a course of action would be a bad approach, reminding me that it is all an inside job, beautifully playing out in the form of a prominent repeat life drama for me. He strongly emphasizes what I often teach to others, that I need to heal this on the inside, period!
“Until you do it inside,” Keith reminds me, “you will continue to manifest more such opportunities on the outside.”
A Rampant Storyteller
As I prepare to leave the garden, Keith shows a little genuine compassion, acknowledging my painful place, and how hard it is at this stage of my journey.
I feel numb, shell-shocked. I know I am deep in a God-drama loop, but continue to swirl in all-consuming, heavy, dense, negative emotions. The storyteller in me rages, still wanting to project blame onto Keith. What I am feeling inside remains too intense to own as my own.
About halfway home, I feel guided to start loving myself again, to fill myself with self-compassion, self-love, and self-patience for being stuck, lost, and frustrated.
Still, the angry storyteller in me talks up a storm, running rampantly and stirring up all kinds of inner anguish that wants to be projected every which way. The stories are intense, creating all kinds of worst-case scenarios, demanding that I do this or that, blah, blah, blah.
A friend stops by to check on me, and we talk for three hours. We are both attempting to resolve pain and guidance issues etc, but we are doing it with words and sympathy. By the time she goes home at 10:30 p.m., I feel horrible, deeply lost in a self-destructive, self-defeating hole, hating myself. I do not ask my friend to validate any of my stories. On the contrary, I own that they are all MY drama, I even ask her not to believe anything I say, repeatedly emphasizing that I am merely trying to sort through the craziness. Yet, even just trying to talk about the emotions causes me to sink lower and lower.
As I prepare for bed, I want to dig a hole, pull the lid over, and sob for weeks. I am tired of this hard-bus growth – and am clearly in a space where I own these as MY issues – as MY God-drama tantrum. I want to heal the emotions. Nevertheless, the incessant story teller rages on, and sleep eludes me until well after 3:00 a.m..
Numb And Disconnected
Tuesday morning, the last day of April, I wake up still drowning in weird, heavy, emotional energy. It is obvious that I am not capable of writing today.
I am lost and confused, having no motivation for anything. Rather than fight the emotion, I surrender, trying to love myself in the midst of every emotion.
By mid-morning, I am bringing in a nicer energy, feeling somewhat better, but still quite nonfunctional. I am determined to let go of the anger, to surrender it to the light. I am tired of being lost in emotion that could so easily be given up. I clearly recognize how, right now, I have given away all of my power, not wanting to own that it is my responsibility to solve my issues on the inside.
But still, I feel incapable of fully releasing the angry emotions. Rather than fuel them any further, I engage in the only thing I have been able to do throughout my life. I isolate myself and watch video after video, not thinking about anything in the present, letting things settle while my mind is unwinding via movies.
Exhausted, but still unable to sleep, I stay up till nearly midnight, finally falling asleep, still feeling quite numb and disconnected.
Lost In The Loop
Finally, on Wednesday morning (the first day of May) I wake up with a little more hopeful clarity, fully owning that I have been lost in another betrayal loop – fully able to begin letting go of the inner pain projected outward.
I now clearly realize that on Monday, at the end of the ceremony, before talking to Keith, I was already deep in an emotional loop. With a clear mind, I can now see that if I had been transparent and in my loving power, I would not have felt even the slightest need to seek out Keith’s guidance. He was right that I did not need his help, and just like I did with my mother (when I was a child), I provoked him from a state of demanding assistance for a situation that could not be solved through talking.
The more I tried to solve my emotions at the rational-mind talking level, the deeper I dug the hole. I am now actually quite grateful for how Keith handled the situation – for how he did NOT enable me by allowing me to project blame outside of myself.
What it really boils down to is that on Monday, I consciously and intentionally went into that anger. I wanted to heal it, and knew that I needed to feel it before it could be transmuted. But as I felt it to the bottom, I got lost in the angry emotion, plain and simple. It was an educational experience, one I hope to never repeat – but I love myself for having had the courage to do it and come out the other end as quickly as I have.
New Beginnings
I am in a nice, peaceful energy as I arrive and set up the porch for a Wednesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony. It is another large group, with around twenty-five people at the peak. During the first few hours, Keith and I do not interact, but I am happy, in a very good place, and I do not need help.
I remain focused on my healing, on owning my power, my joy, and my responsibility to let go of the victim stuff. I profoundly understand that this is all work that no one else can do for me. The victim energies are still knocking at my door, but at least for now, I am paying them no attention.
I don’t know how to get where I am going, but I am on a journey, and I trust and love where I am at. During the “Glow Meditation,” I feel nice energy. As I further invite and fill with Higher Energies, I begin to experience stomach pains. Intuitions clearly tell me that the pains are from reading the energy of others. Repeatedly, I invite Higher Energies to fill and assist me, with my intention being to further open my arms, belly, heart, and all clenched areas in my body.
Not much happens during these first few hours. I want to transmute this victim stuff, but progress is slow.
Giving Is Receiving
Soon, the young woman seated next to me tells Keith that she is really hurting in her belly.
“Aha,” I think to myself, “it is her energy that I am reading.”
I begin to focus on sharing energy with this young woman. I hold my hands to radiate energy, but I do not touch her. I simply hold space, asking my Higher Self to coordinate with her Higher Self, helping her receive (through me) whatever is in her highest good.
“Sharing energy is a great way to empower my own heart,” I ponder memories of past experiences.
Soon, I notice a woman across the porch who is whimpering, and I begin to direct my energy in her direction as well. In fact, she later gives me a beautiful compliment telling me that she felt my energy helping her, from all the way across the porch.
In fact, I share energy with several others as well, doing so with only my intent, remaining in the comfort of my own seat.
Gradually, as I focus on this giving to others, I begin to feel stronger, more energized, more alive, and more free. The tingles in my hands and the vibrations in my heart are all the feedback I need.
I still have no clue where I am headed today. I am merely following the flow of my process, trusting that I will be taken where I need to go.
An Empath Victim
Soon, a young woman across the porch begins to talk about her struggles with taking in the emotions of others. Keith mentions that he is not guided to an empath training today, but he does lead a beautiful discussion regarding the life struggles and issues of being an empath who was born in a world that did not even believe such concepts were possible. After a beautiful thirty-minute overview conversation, Keith turns to a friend and asks her to talk about being an empath. I find this strange and unusual. I have never seen Keith do this before or since.
This friend gives a beautiful summary of her life, spending a little time talking about how she has struggled to overcome the victim consciousness because of what happened to her as an empathic child.
“Bingo,” I suddenly ponder in silence. “This is MY issue. I have spent my life feeling victimized, misunderstood, misinterpreted, and then slammed for trying to defend myself – all because I was an unknowing empath, drowning in the emotions.”
“I still feel deeply victimized by that,” I ponder with excitement. “And I have been playing this victim role with others ever since.”
“Brenda has a deep journey with being an empath too,” Keith suddenly interjects back into the conversation.
For a few minutes, Keith briefly shares some of my own journey, explaining how difficult it has been to sort out the childhood trauma and struggles that resulted from profoundly feeling and taking in the emotions of others. I smile and thank Keith for acknowledging my struggles.
Right now, I am deep in the mental exploration of my own life of victim consciousness.
An Inspired Tantrum
Soon, I realize that rather than just understand this victim stuff, I need to feel it. I need to go down into the anger and other emotions behind it. This is a huge layer of density that still influences my life. It needs to go.
As I ponder this daunting task, I reflect back to Monday, fearfully remembering how when I intentionally went into the anger that I had been triggered and ended up stuck in a deep God-drama loop.
“I do not want to repeat that,” I ponder with determined clarity. “But I know I have to feel this emotion in order to transmute it.”
As I meditatively search for a safer and easier way to release this anger, I feel guided to invite an angry part of me to join me in my inner conference room. As I do so, I begin to feel a tightness in my heart – a tightness that I recognize as belonging to me as an angry wounded child. Memories then whisk me back to an experience that I had on the porch a few weeks ago – an experience where I had silently screamed for hours, sending the emotional energy through an imagined tube connected to an angel.
Putting all these intuitions and feelings together, I ask my angry child to throw a tantrum at the top of her lungs. As I imagine this intense scene unfolding in my inner conference room, I feel myself sitting in that room, radiating with Higher Energy, holding space while receiving the painful emotional energy, and sending it on for transmutation. I deeply feel the emotions of that wounded child as she screams and kicks her arms and legs – but I do not identify with the emotions as being me, I simply feel the energy and pass it on.
Basking In The Flow
As this inner process unfolds, I begin to feel delightful Higher Energies filling my heart. What a welcome relief!
When I began holding space for the child, the emotional pain of this anger was in my solar plexus. I am quite surprised as the pains start to move, rising upward. In my mind, intuitions guide me to imagine those emotional densities flowing to my throat. It takes a while, but gradually, ever so slowly the emotional energy does just that. By the time it gets to my heart and throat, it has been transformed into delightful tingles – vibrating tingles that then spread to other places as well.
As I bask in the magical flow, I suddenly realize that my entire belly feels dead, not participating in this process at all. While focusing attention to this area, the energy gradually begins to flow downward as well.
By now, I am in a really nice energy – feeling more joy, still feeling a little heaviness, but with no remaining traces of anger or betrayal energies. I bask in this beautiful state until the very end of the ceremony. As the ceremony begins to break up, two of the new women on the porch come over, sit with me for a while, and engage in beautiful, connecting conversation, telling me how much I helped them today.
It is during these final conversations that I feel the final blockages dissolve in my belly. I feel so much lighter that I am giggling. I am so peaceful that I just do not want to leave.
The Next Piece
“Am I missing anything in my process today?” I ask Keith as he returns to the porch and sits down in his chair.
Before Keith answers, I apologize for my behavior on Monday, and acknowledge that I was obviously in another deep God-drama loop when I had left the porch that day.
“I realize now that I had triggered overwhelming awareness of a huge layer of victim consciousness,” I add more insights about what happened Monday, and then today.
“That is why you needed to do the loop,” Keith congratulates me. “You needed to discover that next piece of your journey.”
I love how Keith is so transparent that he can allow me to project all over him, not being offended by my behavior, and not enabling it – just allowing me to go through it, trusting that I will come out the other end when I am ready.
Keith then answers my original question, telling me that he has checked in with my energies many times today, and that he keeps getting that I am doing really well, and that there is nothing for him to say or add.
I take Keith’s words as a beautiful compliment – one that I totally trust. I know I am following guidance, doing beautiful work, and I feel great.
A Surprise Scorpion
Later Wednesday evening, after taking notes and gobbling down a quick simple dinner, I feel happy and energized at one level, but at the physical level, I am utterly exhausted. I start to watch a movie, but in less than ten minutes, I turn my computer off and retire to my room, unable to keep my eyes open. Because it is only 7:00 p.m., I decide to sit on a pillow and just meditate into the tiredness. A few minutes later, I glance up and see movement on my porch.
My friend Sufi has unexpectedly arrived. Feeling reenergized, I open the door, invite her in, and proceed to engage in a magical four-hour conversation. In the course of the evening, we start talking about how I have recently considered the possibility of traveling to Peru or possibly Ecuador.
“But I would have to be in a place without lots of scorpions and tarantulas,” I joke with Sufi.
Suddenly, five seconds later, I glance at the wall above my window and see a large scorpion crawling out from behind a straw mat that serves as a window curtain. Giggling and grinning at the huge synchronicity, I grab an empty peanut butter jar, capture the magical scorpion, and safely secure the lid. Tomorrow, I will release the magical creature into the wild.
Finally, in a state of beautiful energy, I rest my head on my pillow just after 11:30 p.m.. I am still exhausted, but very happy … and still giggling about the scorpion. It was just shy of two years ago that a very similar scorpion stung me three times, magically influencing my process. (See blogs, “A Scorpion Saga,” published May 23, 2011, and a follow-up, “Synchronous Scorpion Symbolism,” published June 14, 2011.)
An Explosive Journey
Who would have thought that those four vivid-but-disconnected dreams on Sunday morning would synchronously pull themselves together in a beautiful healing journey?
Why, I would, of course.
It has been a beautiful four days of profound healing, filled with wild extremes and amazing, transformative growth.
Sunday brought deep flows of loving support from the Divine Mother energies, causing my heart to swirl with a confusing mix of love, deep sadness, and fear, As I explored the confusion with Keith, I was shocked to learn that confusion is an actual energy that can be felt and released, just like any other emotion.
And then there were beautiful metaphors from two different friends, emphasizing to me how close I am to huge transformation and growth – and emphasizing how much fear continues to hold me back – fear that the expanding magic will eat me alive if I go too fast.
Monday, after waking up in a weird, heavy, sad, frightened-child energy, I cycled wildly in those energies throughout most of the afternoon ceremony – cycling in the confusing craziness of feeling both congratulated and abandoned, all at the same time. Then an unexpected setup lit the fuse of more explosive growth, as I struggled with pain regarding the dilemma of how, or what to do, regarding the confusing triggers of a struggling friendship. As I allowed myself to feel the repressed anger behind the situation, I felt it so deeply that I refused to let it go – so deeply that I argued with Keith, wallowed in storytelling misery, and isolated myself for nearly thirty-six hours.
Wednesday, after having finally returned to clarity, I embarked on a magical journey, exploring new territories of victim consciousness – a journey taking me to safer, more fun ways of releasing frightening whirlpools of emotional density – dangerous traps that could easily suck me into a bottomless loop if not handled with Higher Energy support.
Dreams Come True
Wow, have I ever grown, in so many ways – so synchronously predicted by those four disjointed dreams from Sunday morning.
I did indeed delve deeply into the exploration of wounded hearts, and injured connections to the energies of Mother Earth, filling myself with massive amounts of self-love while healing long-forgotten, tear-inducing connections to the loving support of that feminine mother energy. And just as that injured-left-leg dream implied, the healing was not to come from physical sources.
And the deepest agony of wanting to heal social wounds with an old friend – well that was magically triggered by innocent comments during the inner work of such a friend. And attempts to seek counsel and healing at a rational mind level simply served to set me up for another layer of profound, transformative growth – a layer that took me to the bottom and back again – a layer dealing with deep victim consciousness that originated with the confusing chaos of being an empathic child in a world that did not believe such things to be possible.
And what can I say, when the four day adventure is topped off by a magical visit from a synchronous scorpion – one who graced the wall above my living room window at precisely the moment when the word scorpion came off my lips in a conversation with Sufi.
Yes indeed, in magical ways, those four dreams did come true, bringing huge transformation and growth in the process. And with every transformation of my heart, I grow ever closer to freely and passionately living the dreams of my heart.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved