Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Choosing The Authentic Me.”
Beautiful energy continues to flow as I repeatedly return to the realization that what I am doing right now in my healing process is remarkably similar to the once-terrifying journey of embracing my authentic self over sixteen years ago.
Before returning to Keith’s magical porch for another chocolate ceremony, I spend Friday morning, April 5, 2013, enjoying both a movie and a magical Skype conversation with a friend back home.
As the chocolate ceremony gets underway, I continue to radiate, holding space at the beginning, and doing so from a feeling of power. As usual, I feel some pain in my solar plexus, but my heart is open and relaxed. Intuitions tell me that I am again only reading the pain of others, and that it is time to open my heart even further … time to release more fears and blockages.
“What better way to do that than to share energy with others,” I ponder silently.
A Strengthening Heart
As a young woman next to me begins to express deep emotion, I ask her if she would like me to assist. I will call her Beth.
“Yes,” Beth responds with gratitude.
Beth then goes on a deep journey with emotional release as I share energy and coach her through wave after wave of profound tears, mingled with bringing in more light.
“Wow,” Keith later speaks to Beth, “you released a lot!”
I simply smile inside, grateful that I was able to be a part of her process, holding space and making her feel safe to do what she did.
I spend a great deal of time today simply imagining myself blowing “heart bubbles,” and sending them to each and every person on the porch. In many ways, I am “faking it till I make it.” Yes, I do feel energy in my heart, and yes, it feels stronger when I imagine sharing it with others, but in the absence of further sensation or confirmation, I can only believe that the energy is actually being received by others.
Regardless, this profound sharing process is indeed helping me a great deal. My heart grows stronger with each step.
Trusting And Following
As Keith makes his rounds, he assists one young man in sending his own heart energy down to his solar plexus. This process inspires me deeply, and I ride the energetic wave as I imagine blowing some of those magical heart bubbles directly to my own abdomen. As I do so, I feel warm, relaxing waves of energy fill my solar plexus.
Later, as Keith works with another person, my throat suddenly “scratches up” quite intensely.
“Is this mine, or did I just suddenly begin reading it from someone else?” I ask Keith with shock, just a few seconds later.
“It is yours,” Keith responds a minute later, after having carefully checked in with his guidance. “It is something that wants to open, allowing you to express your magic at a new level.”
With this guidance, I lean back and relax, focusing on surrender, trust, and allowing … having no expectations. A few minutes later, my entire throat region begins to vibrate peacefully as intuitions whisper that something is indeed opening. At this point, I receive no rational mind guidance as to just “what” this something might be. I do not need to know.
A New Opening
In the midst of this throat-opening process, I continue to hurt in my solar plexus, and still believe myself to be reading the emotional density of someone else. I have noticed that Beth has been holding a hand on her own belly throughout much of the ceremony. Prior to this time, I have not had the courage to discuss this with Beth at all.
“How is your solar plexus doing?” I finally build up the courage to ask Beth.
“It is still hurting,” Beth responds.
“I can feel it,” I tell her. “I have been reading this pain for quite some time. Would you like to release some of it to me?”
“I don’t know how,” Beth responds timidly. “I am not sure if I can.”
“Just express your inner intent,” I guide her. “Ask your heart to help, then get out of the way … allow, trust, and surrender … with no mind involvement.”
As my journey with Beth continues, I feel new energy flow in my hands and some swirling around me, but with no clear destination. I am quite clear that I am doing something new … that something is really happening.
“Good,” Keith turns and unexpectedly speaks to me about five minutes later. “You allowed yourself to open it, and are doing it now.”
I do indeed know that something is different. I am experiencing a new level of trust and feeling, with more awareness and less doubt.
I continue to hold space for Beth for much of the next hour. As I do so, increasing peaceful vibrations consume my belly. Eventually Beth speaks and tells me that she is feeling much better.
Elephants Of Guilt
As Keith temporarily leaves the porch to handle a delivery, several women engage in a conversation about sexual-attraction energies, and how they seem to repeatedly attract men who are interested in them for the wrong reasons. When Keith returns, I whisper to him and quietly suggest he might talk about issues with “leaky” second chakras. To my delight, Keith does engage in a long conversation that turns out to be right in line with what my intuitions whispered.
As I listen in, I begin to realize that I have the opposite issue going on in me. Rather than having a second chakra that is blocked, causing me to release sexual energies that attract something I do not want … I seem to have a totally dead second chakra.
As a new friend (I will call her Cassandra) starts to talk about her traditional Catholic upbringing, and the deep guilt that resulted, I suddenly experience a deep flash of insight.
I have a huge “elephant” of guilt sitting right on top of my belly, squashing all healthy energy flow in my lower chakras. In fact, I do not remember a single time in my life when this huge weight of guilt did not dominate and shut me down in the area of sexuality. Even now, I dread the idea of a relationship because I know it will seriously complicate my interactions with family.
“I have let the guilt over sexuality issues prevent me from having someone in my life,” I ponder with deep recognition. “A huge part of me would rather be alone than to face and release that guilt.”
As I ponder the buried guilt issue, I feel emotionally kicked in the gut. Cassandra later provides feedback that she had immediately sensed my energetic reaction during the guilt conversation.
Clogged With Overwhelming Guilt
Out of the blue, Keith suddenly decides to do a meditation that I have only seen him do perhaps four or five times in the last three years. It is a journey where we find an energetic place in our abdomen, usually near the belly button, where we have a “hole” or “God socket” that metaphorically represents the place where we would plug in our healthy connection with Source. But most of us have that place completely clogged up with other things instead, blocking our connection to the Divine.
As I ponder this meditation, even before Keith begins to guide the group, I realize that not only do I have guilt squashing my sexuality, but that in a weird distorted way, I am essentially worshiping that guilt, deeply fearing that letting go of the guilt is equivalent to letting go of all hope of love.
“I have guilt and sexuality hooked together,” I ponder with clarity. “My God-socket is clogged by a bottomless pit of guilt, shame, and related feelings about sexuality.”
When Keith reaches the point in the meditation where he guides us to begin cleaning out this metaphorical place, I experience agonizing energetic intensity as I imagine trying to pull this guilt out. I again begin to “fake it till I make it,” because the fear is too intense to do anything else.
As I attempt to imagine the guilt leaving me, intense panic shouts that I cannot do it by myself. Instinctively, I meditatively ask loads of angels to come in and help me. I get out of the way with rational mind and imagine these loving angels doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
As I do so, intense panic consumes me. After intuitions tell me that I am about half done, I begin to sob.
“Who will I be if I let this guilt go?” the insane thought crosses my mind.
As I attempt to go further, I am dizzy and overwhelmed, highly emotional and fearful. I have crashed into a wall and can go no further. I know I am not done, but I stop the meditation, almost sobbing, unable to continue.
Loving Homework
“You may need to finish this as homework,” Keith interrupts the meditation and guides me with deep compassion.
I spend the next few minutes tearfully explaining to Keith exactly what I was experiencing.
“There is a profound fear that letting this go will mean a total loss of love,” I blubber through more tears.
As Keith continues to guide others through the remaining portion of the meditation, I do not go on. Instead, I lie down on my right side, clutch little Bobby-bear to my heart, and whimper in deep emotion. As I do so, I am experiencing a feeling of profound love for a lost-and-alone little boy who carried the burden of so much judgment, guilt, and shame over his sexuality, believing himself to be the world’s biggest sinner.
In reality, he deserved so much pure love, and I AM sending it to him right now. I recognize the sensation of pure love flowing into me, through me, and filling me. I am deeply emotional, loving, loving, loving, and loving myself for being unable to finish the guilt cleanup. I am loving myself for having made the journey this far … for having deserved this love all along even though I did not feel it … for being so pure and innocent in my intentions and heart.
A Huge Shift
Finally, at the end of the meditation, Keith again speaks to me with deep compassion, validating everything I am feeling, congratulating me on the self-love, telling me that he has checked and that he clearly gets that I did successfully move a lot of guilt out of me.
“But you were right to stop where you did,” Keith confirms. “Trying to go further might have created too much fear and caused a huge backlash.”
As Keith and I continue this beautiful, compassionate, validating conversation, the rest of the porch is silent. I do not look around me, but I sense a deep energy of love coming from others who are listening and supporting me.
I want to sob. I feel as if I could sob for days. I even give myself permission to quietly do so for a few minutes.
“If I have sobbed enough,” I soon silently ask the light, “and if have felt enough of this emotion that it can now be transmuted, would you please take it … show me what you would do with it?”
I know that such surrender could take me deeper, but am delighted as I begin to feel increasingly lighter. A few minutes later, I sit up feeling much better. Most of the sadness is gone, and I feel dizzy from intense, new, Higher Energies that fill me.
I have no rational-mind validation, but still know that something huge and beautiful has shifted in me.
At Day’s End
Earlier, I had been excited at the prospect of going to a friend’s party this evening, but after my experience on the porch today, I want nothing more than to go home and spend a quiet Friday evening alone, integrating and resting.
But even the best laid plans … well, you know how it goes. At around 7:30 p.m. another friend stops by my home for a visit. We end up going to dinner and engaging in beautiful, deep, meaningful conversation. I love my newfound social side, at least for now.
At shortly after 10:00 p.m., I return to my apartment, extremely tired, drained, and light-headed, but glad for the social evening. As I prepare for bed, meditative insights begin to flow, so much so that I sit down at the computer to type more memories from the ceremony. I know I am nowhere near clearing out all the guilt conditioning that is still dominant, still blocking my areas of power, sexuality, and creativity. Yet I know I made huge progress today. I feel a definite shift in my energy.
All day today I have reminded myself that power is not what makes me hurt. Instead, it is the fighting and resisting of my inner Divine power source that makes me hurt. As a child, trying to embrace my true identity did indeed get me into huge trouble, but in my heart, I do know that true Divine power is amazing, peaceful, loving, pain-free, and magical.
“It is fear of my power, fear of trying to be the “small-me,” that creates the panic,” I ponder. “But in reality, it is that true power that will set me free from the pain.”
As I finally drift off to sleep, late on Friday night, I ponder again how both Cassandra and Beth had stopped by my cushion at the end of the ceremony today. Each had given me huge hugs and abundant gratitude for how my genuine process today had served and blessed them. It is a fun energy in which to enter dreamland.
Unidentified Flying Emotions
Saturday morning, after eating an ounce of chocolate in my oatmeal, I feel overwhelmed by swirling energy in my head. It is so incapacitating that I feel incapable of writing. I am ready to abandon such ambition, recognizing that I cannot write in the midst of the crazy emotion that is surfacing.
Quickly surrendering to my room, I follow the emotions to the bottom. These emotions flying through me are insane, agonizing, and unidentified. Perhaps the emotions are guilt … or maybe grief, depression, or hopelessness. I simply do not know, nor do I need to know. After surrendering to the process, reaching the depths of tears, I start to feel lost and hopeless, and I really want to stay there at the bottom, likely wallowing in the unidentified layer all day long.
But finally, a few minutes later, once the initial layers of intense dry-heaves are complete, I sit up and ask the light for assistance.
“If I have felt this deep enough, please transmute it,” I beg with confidence.
To my delight, the overwhelming emotion soon fades to nothingness, other than a little shock at the emotional freight train that raged through and is now gone. A few minutes later, renewed with inner peace, I dive into a long day of writing – a fun journey of creating and publishing “Giggling Gorilla Games.” As usual, it is a journey that brings increasing integration and clarity into the distractions that have ruled my life – distractions that include many such unidentified flying emotions.
Pondering Spoons
After a beautiful relaxed Sunday morning of fun internet videos and Skype conversation, usual routine finds me right back in another chocolate ceremony. It is a small group today, with beautiful energy and connections. In fact, I find myself happy and almost giggling, smiling from ear to ear, feeling deep self-love.
As Keith works with others, I note that something from each conversation touches me deeply. One person’s work with an inner child causes me to realize that the pain in my belly is that same four-year-old child in me, crying out in fear that his foot hurts so much that he knows it is going to fall off. Immediately, I begin to send deep love to my inner children, Bobby and Sharon. I do not validate that a foot is going to metaphorically fall off, but I do compassionately validate that the inner fear is real, and that I want to love them to the very core.
During this process, the inner pains continue in my solar plexus. My heart is open, and I believe that I am reading these pains, but after a while, I begin to believe that this pain is really mine. As I further contemplate working with this pain, I get a confusing thought. Even though this is real density, maybe it is a “delay tactic” to work with it right now – as if I am again going to attack a mountain of density using only a tiny, bent, worn spoon.
“I need to embrace my light shadow right now,” I ponder the confusing inner feelings.
Trying Too Hard
Almost as if on cue, a friend goes into deep God-drama work. I find it quite powerful to see my own process mirrored back to me in the process of someone I love. I become increasingly clear that my journey right now is to face the light shadow and say “Yes.”
“The dark shadow is not blocking me right now,” I ponder with budding clarity. “It is that distraction curtain, trying to keep me focused in confusion and doubt. I will NOT embrace this God-drama bait.”
But what confuses me is that I still experience a great deal of physical pain with no resolution. I trust implicitly, continuing to surrender and observe as Keith works with others. As has been obvious today, every person’s work resonates as a personal statement to me, causing me to trust what I am doing, to stay out of the way, to increasingly love myself, and to ask for more inner light.
But I still do not feel much if any relief from the light. I am attempting to surrender and allow, but it feels as if I am “trying” too hard.
Love And Power
Eventually, I begin to get the idea that the pains in my solar plexus are energetic power that wants to move up toward my heart. It makes completely sense that the pain is resistance … that I am still blocking the flow of this power, causing the pain.
“Love has always felt like surrendering my power,” I ponder unfolding insights. “Love meant being small, manipulated, giving up who I am for the greater good. My solar plexus power-center is terrified of love, of my own heart, for the very same reason. This part of me believes that love will squash my power.”
Wow, I see how this belief has been active for most of my life, but I absolutely know it is NOT true when it comes to unconditional love.
Just like that scared four-year-old who thinks his foot is going to fall off, I reassure my solar plexus that I feel compassion and love for the fears, acknowledging that they are very real.
“But these fears do not apply to NOW,” I reassure my solar plexus.
“Can you trust us enough to just allow a little power up toward my heart?” I beg. “We can always shut it back down later if you don’t like it … but trust me … we can do this.”
I then imagine myself at the top of that “Jagged Edge” waterslide. As I do so, I experience very real panic in the ribcage area. I know I am breaking conditioned rules, violating long held separation of love and power.
“This fear is two-way,” I suddenly ponder deepening insights. “My heart is deeply wounded from attacks of distorted power, and my divine power is profoundly leery after repeatedly being squashed by distorted versions of conditional love.”
My rational mind knows the absurdity of these long-held beliefs, knowing that true Divine love and power work beautifully in unison, but that four-year-old child in me continues to panic, insisting that a foot is going to fall off.
Loving Myself For Everything
While in the depth of pondering these inner power metaphors, I feel guided to take the hands of Bobby and Sharon, my inner children. Deep in meditation, they guide me to what feels like a small building. We open a door and step inside. I am not a visual meditator, but I do sense that there are four circuit breakers on the wall. They are vertical switches, currently in the down position.
One by one, I meditatively switch them up to the “ON” position. As I do so, I begin to feel more power, AND more fear, both surfacing in the area between my solar plexus and heart.
Repeatedly, I focus on self-love – loving myself exactly where I am – for the fear and panic – for the courageous process in which I am now engaged – for everything – for having the trust to turn on that subconscious set of circuit breakers, even though rational mind is still laughing at the idea.
Eventually, the pain between heart and solar plexus begins to relax, and I experience a subtle flow of energy moving from my belly into my heart. It is mild, but definitely flowing … and it feels nice.
A Beautiful Flow
Keith soon turns and looks at me with recognition, giving me a glowing glance as he makes a comment about my energetic shift.
“I feel power flowing up to my heart now,” I explain to Keith, “and I am experiencing some sensations of heart-expansion pains as well.”
Keith strongly validates my words, pointing out how I have done a huge cultural “No-No” based on my conditioning … but emphasizing that it is real, that he can sense a flow moving upward, and that it is actually quite nice.
As I relax into this flow, I soon realize that it wants to go higher, up toward the throat. As I further surrender, I feel the energies gradually rise, consuming the high-heart area, and then encompassing my throat. While continuing to relax and surrender, I soon experience a very pleasurable flow all the way up into the top of my head. This flow lasts for several minutes while I enjoy the sensations.
Soon I silently ask for the energetic river to go down as well, but for now, it does not go below the solar plexus.
Downright Frisky
At one point, as Keith works with a woman next to me, Squeaky (Keith’s healer cat) suddenly jumps on the roof above our heads (a thin translucent wavy sheet of fiberglass). The noise is so loud that everyone present is deeply startled.
I begin to laugh playfully, and as I do, a dense blockage suddenly surfaces in my throat. It is a huge rush of intense heavy energy, causing instant coughing and dry heaving. Seconds later, I feel more power flowing in the throat region.
A few minutes later, Squeaky does it again, thundering across the fiberglass roof. This time I laugh harder, and another huge intense wave of emotional density unexpectedly surfaces and leaves my throat. Two friends seated next to me immediately look up at me with a shocked look. They both indicate that they felt the density leave me as they were riding their own wave of density release at the same time.
After this second wave flashes out of me, the energetic flow in my body is really nice. I sense that my power wants to play, not in a childish way, but in a giggling, childlike way. It is an undeniable urge that I want to find a playground and just laugh and giggle. As I later discus this feeling with Keith, he again strongly validates my experience, reminding me that both my power and my play were repressed, and that with this energy channel open, the power wants to come out of the throat in childlike playfulness.
Over the last few weeks I have mildly felt this sensation more and more, but today, in this moment, I feel downright frisky (at least for now), just like Squeaky.
Pain And Tingles
Soon, a dear friend sinks into a beautiful and very intense inner release process. Many of us hold space while I am right there helping her. It is a magical process, one that is profoundly welcome. As I participate, I feel a deep connection with what she is doing. I increasingly focus on more of my own power rising up to my heart, and then to the throat, imagining myself as expressing that power without having any mind involvement or understanding.
While doing this, I experience waves of pain in the bottom of my ribcage, as well as my heart and high-heart regions. The sensation is as if my skin is being stretched, but the pain is somewhere inside me. Intuitions whisper that, for me, this is an expansion metaphor. A huge amount of fear and resistance attempts to derail the process, but I relax again and again, embracing self-love, inviting Higher Energies, and sharing as much energy with others as I can. In fact, my intention is to send this energy to the whole porch.
This expansion pain continues throughout the remainder of the ceremony. Gradually, ever so slowly, I feel stronger and stronger heart energies. In many ways, the pains feel quite similar to those I experienced when my high-heart region began early stages of opening just fifteen months ago. Inner confidence repeatedly reminds me that the pains I feel are simply sensations of expansion, of energy returning to areas that have been blocked for most of my life.
In the midst of ample self-love, interspersed with the pains, I feel waves of tingles that fill me, at times being quite powerful. Repeatedly, I imagine inner metaphors that cause me to imagine the fun of making a leap into the unknown – metaphors of being on a tall diving platform, at the top of a waterslide, or perched at the peak of a wild rollercoaster.
I validate that the fears I experience are real, but continue to fill with self-love and imagined adrenaline giggles.
Pillow Pondering
As I later ponder on my pillow, I reflect back on how three friends had again expressed deep thanks for the help I gave them. It was a beautiful day of NOT taking the God-drama bait, of not jumping into the loop of distraction and delay tactics. I still find it confusing, knowing that the emotions that surfaced today were real, but knowing that my job was to ignore them for now, while further embracing the light. I somehow understand in this moment that if I do need to process the emotions down the road, that the increased light will make the journey much more fun.
I realize that I cannot make recipes and formulas. I had profound experiences last week, experiences in transmuting both densities and stories. Today, doing the same thing, trying to do it the same way, simply did not work.
I have often heard Keith share that as soon as you figure out how it works, that things will change and they won’t work that way anymore. This forces us to return to the beginning, to be present with no expectations, and to follow the flow of our own being with loving trust and surrender.
And I am deeply grateful for the self-empowerment of doing most of the work today without guidance from Keith. Many times, I contemplated asking for more help, but in every instance, I knew inside that I could trust myself instead – that I did not need outside guidance at the time, and that asking would actually disempower my inner knowing.
As this pillow pondering continues, I soon drift off to sleep.
Persistent Blockage
After a delightful morning watching a metaphysical movie and several short spiritual videos, I feel shocked by a strong inner resistance insisting that I do NOT want to go to the chocolate ceremony today.
“Something really magical must be about to happen,” I smile as I force myself to go to the ceremony anyway. I have enough experience to know that when my resistance is high, that it means I am preparing for something new.
It is a small Monday afternoon workgroup, with just over ten people. I am grateful that I came. From the very start, I feel a nice energy as I focus on self-love, trust, surrender, and asking Higher Self for upgrades, etc.
I initially focus on continued pains in my belly. I am willing to follow and allow, but as I relax, I am surprised with new waves of panic and fear that surface with my deep breathing.
Nevertheless, I remain unattached, not judging myself for this persistent blockage surfacing yet again.
Compassionate Transparency
Early in the ceremony, a friend begins a journey with God-drama issues – deep issues surrounding death, sadness, and anger at a situation that makes no sense to rational mind.
As I compassionately observe, I feel strongly guided to pay attention to my own God-drama issues. The whole experience causes me to more deeply love and understand a friend with whom I have often felt triggered.
Then another friend goes into deep triggers of her own. Soon, these two women begin to engage each other in heated discussion. One is attempting to speak her truth to the other, and the other is pushing back with stiff resistance, demanding that the first stop speaking. I simply hold space, recognizing the beauty in both of my friends, feeling compassion for the women and for the events that are unfolding. In fact, I am grinning from ear to ear with loving transparency. Not too long ago, this situation might have triggered me deeply, and I am now seeing it with pure love. Everything is perfect.
“Very nice,” Keith soon compliments me.
“What?” I ask with curiosity.
Keith does not answer my question, but I know exactly what he is referring to. The situation is a little tricky, as I have had my own triggers with each of these two friends, and words are not necessary at this point. I can clearly sense that Keith is recognizing my deep state of loving transparency – recognizing my own deep growth and healing, while I at the same time am happily recognizing the growth in my friends.
The experience is building huge trust that when I change, that things around me will change as well.
A New Metaphor
Later, I watch with wonder as Keith guides yet another beautiful friend into a new (for me) metaphor. He suggests that she dip a hand down into her putrid inner density, and then hold it out and offer it to the light.
I have been working on surrender and relaxation for a few hours now. I am in a very nice energy, but feel stuck in my lower chakras. Earlier I had asked Keith for suggestions and his only guidance was to continue following the inner flow.
“I like this new metaphor,” I ponder as I contemplate how to apply it in my own process.
During the last few hours, I have noticed that today on the porch there is a lot of “rational-mind truth” being forced on others … lots of judgment coming up … inner tyrant energies being exposed … and a great deal of discussion about guilt and judgment of both masculine and feminine energy sides (on the inside and out).
In this midst of observing these unfolding processes in others, I have come to realize new things regarding my own inner stuckness and ongoing panic while trying to relax my body. I too have an inner tyrant running my show, shutting me down with intense judgment and guilt surrounding both masculine and feminine energies. Current feelings tell me that the present layer of clenching relates to this inner tyrant trying to clamp down and prevent my further opening.
Working Together
While pondering this confusing jumbled mess of inner emotions, I imagine myself using this new metaphor, reaching down into the hiding inner nightmare, grabbing handfuls of the putrid stuck emotion, and offering it to the light.
But suddenly, as I attempt to imagine myself doing this, I feel deep anger. It is anger and refusal to give this stuff up – anger and refusal to let the light take it and transmute it. This disgusting emotional soup is mine, my precious part of the God drama, my ammunition against God, my sacred treasure of evidence as to why I need an apology and how I have been so victimized, blah, blah, blah.
Rather than back away from the process, being unable to simply hand the stuff to a group of angels, I return to an old metaphor. I imagine myself angrily grabbing fistfuls of this putrid emotion and throwing it at an angel.
Ouch! Huge tears form as I deeply feel the emotion that I am angrily throwing away.
Soon, I imagine myself scooping up buckets of this yucky stuff, and then hurling the contents at a group of angels. As I throw bucket after bucket, more tears flow, and the anger becomes quite real and intense. But something new is happening too. At the same time that I feel the anger, I am smiling and quietly giggling. Keith has often told people that when they can laugh and cry at the same time, that they are working at the same level as masters. Today, I feel as if am finally doing that.
Through this intense process, I never lose my sense of joy, at least on the inside. Even though I feel the joy inside, and occasionally smile on the outside, I have still not reached a state of healing where I can fully allow myself to express joy in a lasting, visible way.
I love that I am at last uncovering more experiential understanding about the insane blockages in my belly. Even while the inner masculine and inner feminine continue to feel deep hatred toward each other, I clearly sense that they are now working together, helping each other to throw away this unwanted blockage. Rather than seeing each other as the perpetrator, they are each beginning to realize that they are both victims of the same emotional density – of the same dysfunctional stories and ideas about masculine and feminine distortions.
Feel And Flow
When Keith finishes his work with a friend, he turns back to check-in with me. After I summarize my journey, he congratulates my process and then even guides me to go inside on a short journey. I am surprised when he suggests that it is time to bring a little energy up from the Mother Earth.
As I actually begin to feel it, a small wave of fear surfaces.
“Let yourself feel it and let it flow out,” Keith guides me after I verbalize the emotion.
During a short ensuing conversation, I feel more energy flowing. It is small, but for me it is significant. I AM feeling this, and feel hopeful. I clearly see that the inner turmoil being acted out today on the porch is exactly what has been going on inside of me, and I love it all.
Masculine And Feminine Pains
Keith eventually moves on, and I continue this inner love fest with joy, never losing track of it. Part of me continues not fully trusting my experience because it is not “painful enough.” But I simply smile and acknowledge this slight doubt while continuing to feel and love myself.
I love that “inner tyrant in me” right now. I love the masculine hate and guilt, both aimed at the feminine. I love the feminine hate and guilt, both directed at the masculine.
Soon, I begin to experience sharp physical pains on the right side of my abdomen – on the masculine side. Rather than judge the pain, I simply double-down on the self-love, trusting that these pains are simply physical manifestation of the repressed masculine agony.
When I ask that the light transmute these pains, they get smaller, and then immediately surface on the left, feminine side. I again send love and eventually ask the light to transmute the pains. The pain never fully transmutes, but it does get smaller.
Part of me wants to go into deep emotional release, but I hesitate because of the mix of people and energies on the porch today. It does not feel like the right time. Therefore, I sit with the pains, trusting the flow to bring resolution of some sort. Meanwhile, I just feel the pains while inviting energies to keep flowing through me.
Bubbling Fizzies
At one point, Keith briefly works with me, guiding me to ask for an upgrade from my Higher Self. Almost immediately, I experience an energy shift, with more flow in my arms and slightly more relaxing vibration in my belly. I like the sensation and trust that something significant is happening. A while later, Keith guides the entire group through several quick energetic upgrades. Again, I feel more pleasant energy flow.
Eventually, I experience trickling energy moving up my body, both on my spine, and on the front of my body. It begins very slowly, and gradually increases, flowing from the base of my spine all the way to my throat.
“This energy wants expression through my throat,” I ponder symbolic intuitions.
Near the end of the ceremony, as this flow continues, I experience a change from trickling energy to a sensation of bubbles floating up inside my body, quite similar to an experience I had while drinking chocolate in a Hot Spring just about two years ago (see blog, “Quantum Fizzics and Wave Theory,” published April 2, 2011.
I ride the magic wave of this bubbling to the very end of the ceremony. All of my pains have dissolved away, leaving me in a nice energy, with total trust in what I am doing.
It has been a beautiful day, with considerable smiling and bubbling joy. And most of the growth happened as a result of following an inner flow with very little outside guidance. All of it was perfect.
Another Wild Ride
I feel blindsided when attempts to write on Tuesday morning begin in much the same way as my Unidentified Flying Emotion journey on Saturday. After gobbling down my oatmeal with chocolate, I sit at the computer intending to write. Within minutes, however, I am in my room, experiencing unexplained waves of intense, overwhelming hopelessness.
After several waves of agonizing sobs and dry heaving, I clearly recognize that I could easily lose myself in this emotion, yet again. Finally, in invite the light and surrender all remaining emotion from this layer. As I do so, I experience an influx of energy in my upper chakras, with some in my belly.
Wow, it is a wild ride, but by 10:30 a.m., I am again ready to write, going late into the evening before I finally hit the publish button on “Disappearing Defiant Density Dramas.”
Suffering In Drama
On Wednesday morning, I am surprised to wake up with a very active inner storyteller. It seems that a part of me wants to stir up intense trouble. This part is whining angrily, demanding that I feel sad and upset at how helpless I feel, not knowing how to respond to a few people who seem to be giving me the cold shoulder. The stories want to convince me to feel victimized, to defend myself, and to figure out a way to “fix” things in the world “out there.” The stories even go so far as to tell me I need to be a people pleaser again, that I need to change something about my behavior so that they will stop rejecting me.
After spiraling in this insane inner chatter for nearly an hour, I suddenly experience a deep wave of emotion and decide to let it flow. The emotion consists of overwhelming sadness, combined with tears and dry heaving. After several waves, interspersed with bringing in some light, the emotion vanishes. I giggle when I realize that I am now perfectly happy, the stories seem to have been transmuted, and my crazy morning now seems quite silly.
As I ponder the events, I remember a phrase that came to me in the summer of 2005 when an extremely painful event broke my heart. It is a phrase having everything to do with unconditional love.
“Do the right thing; do it for the right reason; and expect nothing back.” The phrase repeats in my mind.
“Of course,” I giggle. “The only thing for me to do here is fill myself with pure love, engaging in loving behaviors, with no under-the-table motives, and allowing everything to be exactly as it is.”
“It is my suffering that creates the drama,” I then ponder with clarity. “When I feel victimized, I no longer act loving, and I create the very cycle that causes me to suffer.”
Inner Child Playfulness
Once I am through with the silly drama, again basking in unconditional love and peace, I enjoy a magical two-hour Skype conversation with a dear friend in Arizona. It evolves into a profoundly high vibration counseling session, one that works both ways. I come away enriched and glowing in the clouds.
Soon, I hurry off to Keith’s porch for my usual routine. The Wednesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony is large, with thirty-two people at the peak. There are several Spanish-only speakers present today, and I end up spending a great deal of my time and energy doing nothing but translate for others. I feel quite proud of myself for my growth with the language, and for being able to more-or-less say everything necessary in some round-about way. It has been a long journey with Spanish over the last four years, but my vocabulary and grammar are getting much better.
At times, I am even teasing and frisky, creating laughter among others when I translate Keith’s occasional attempts at Spanish back into English. A few times, when Squeaky (the cat) meows, or when someone makes a vocal ohming tone, I joke that I am not quite sure how to translate that. I love my inner child playfulness. I am having fun.
Inadequate Words
It is one of those ceremonies where I do not do much emotional work of my own. Instead, I hold a powerful space for several people, while never really leaving my seat. The rewarding thing is that these people notice and respond to me as we work together from a short distance.
During one quiet space in the middle of the ceremony, I focus on going inside, deeper and deeper into surrender. As I do so, I experience very nice energy flows, stronger than before. Intuitions tell me that some more power is returning.
I then focus on more inviting Mother Earth energies, imagining myself gradually opening a door at the top of my solar plexus. I actually feel some energies along with a mild emptiness. The energies flow upward and I eventually feel them reach my heart.
As I visualize my heart embracing these energies, welcoming them back home, I quietly sob in self-love, doing so in mild waves. It is a beautiful and joyful feeling as I sense parts of me reconnecting, like old friends reuniting after decades of separation.
I also put out a meditative intent for other pushed-out parts of me to return, after which I relax deeply. I experience many energy movements, ranging from my throat and high-heart all the way down to the root. I do not try to figure out the flows, nor try to analyze what they are using rational mind. I simply feel, and quietly sob with joy and profound love.
There is no way to explain the experience in a manner rational mind could grasp. It was simple and profound, magical but ordinary, beautiful and heart warming.
Soon, I postpone this delightful inner journey so that I can translate an empath training for Keith. I feel complete – sensing a newfound wholeness in an energy from the base of my spine to the top of my head. I do not worry about trying to “do or explain” anything, other than to relax, surrender, and allow. I know something magical happened today. There is nothing more that I can say with words.
A Power-Full Journey
In these six magical days, it seems that the common threads have involved exploring the intricacies of inner power – healing power losses, restoring power, and dealing with the emotional glitches that inevitably surface in the process.
On Friday, coming off the magical flow of embracing a new “Authentic Me”, I exposed new light to a profound source of power-loss in my life – a blockage caused by huge amounts of guilt plugging up my lower chakras like a massive elephant sitting on my belly. In a sob-filled meditation, I cleaned out a large portion of that guilt, leaving the rest for homework. But I somehow get the feeling that the beautiful, emotional self-love that I found through loving myself right in the middle of the stuckness was quite profound in completing a good deal of that homework.
After removing many of the power blocks, an unidentified layer of flying emotions attempted to derail my writing on Saturday, but instead only served to further empower me when I found a way to face the intensity head on, feeling it to the core, and releasing it to the light.
On Sunday, I turned frisky in another beautiful chocolate ceremony. After having my God drama modeled for me in the process of another, I followed inner breadcrumbs that caused me to focus on restoring a flow of inner power from the solar plexus to the heart. In what on the surface looks quite ordinary, I found the courage to turn on four blown circuit breakers, doing so in the face of insane resistance. The best part is that I actually began to feel a real flow of energy in my body after completing that task – a flow that started at the solar plexus and rose to the heart and then higher.
Monday, after watching two friends play out inner dramas, first on their own, and then with each other, I found myself grinning from ear to ear as I filled with loving insight and compassionate transparency. In the process seeing parts of my inner process played out in front of me, I gained profound insight into the crazy inner tyrant that dominates my reality, and the mutual ongoing hatred between masculine and feminine parts of me. Again following the flow, I began to throw that jumbled mess of angry emotions at metaphorical angels, allowing me to feel it enough such that the rest could be handled and transmuted by the light – eventually leaving me basking in the fizzy bubbles. In the process, that flow of magical inner power became ever stronger.
After another wild ride on Tuesday, releasing yet another crazy layer of emotion before a second day of writing, I did the same on Wednesday morning, this time with convoluted stories demanding my people-pleasing buy-in.
But I didn’t bite the hook. Instead, I found my way back into unconditional love, doing the right thing, doing it for the right reason. Before the end of Wednesday, I was again quite silly and frisky, flying high in positive energy after a ceremony of language translation, including a short-but-beautiful magical journey of my own. It was a journey where I again embraced a magical flow of inner power beginning to return.
Almost none of it makes sense to rational mind, but it is all quite real. Somewhere inside me, layers of emotional density, belief systems, blown fuses, and cut power lines are methodically being undone, step-by-step restoring power to areas of my body that have been isolated and without magical energy for decades.
Given all of the friskiness and repressed joy that gradually seems to be opening up, I think I can deal with the occasional emotional backlashes and power glitches.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved