Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Surrendering To Silence.”
After a beautiful relaxed morning, I head out to Keith’s porch for another afternoon of unknowing adventure. The ceremony on this Wednesday afternoon, February 27, 2013, begins as any other, but rather than the usual introductions and meditations, the first ninety minutes is consumed by a lot of discussion about manifesting and creating your own reality.
This is my first clue that something different is about to happen.
In the midst of this conversation, I interject a story of my first profound realization of this principle during a ceremony about two years ago. After asking Keith about a particularly distracting and frustrating interruption in the ceremony, Keith had responded in an unexpected way.
“Brenda, why did you create that?” He had surprised me, causing me to look deep inside in a mind boggling experience.
Since then, I have learned to observe everything as my creation, personally tailored just for me. Such understanding is repeatedly validated by personal experience, right down to the tiniest of details.
A River Of Doubt
After finally engaging in a “Glow Meditation,” the ceremony grows very quiet. When Keith momentarily checks in with me, I mention I feel some new expansion in my upper chakras and a little pain in the forehead and solar plexus areas.
“Go with the expansion,” is all Keith suggests as he quickly moves on.
For the majority of the ceremony, I quietly observe my inner reality. Part of me is being strongly guided that it is now time to believe in my magic. Another part of me is strongly streaming a flow of old emotion – emotion consisting of confusion, doubt, chaos, and non-trusting mind chatter. I clearly recognize this emotion as familiar, as being deep childhood stuff of a profoundly crazy nature.
I attempt to focus solely on the expansion area, but cannot help but give equal attention to this intense emotional river flowing through me.
Meanwhile, two very magical women are engaged in deep discussion about very magical things – things that I want to believe, but with which I have very little validating experience. This whole external stage play seems to be perfectly orchestrated to show me the possibility – to emphasize that this magic is real, that I can trust it, embrace it, let go of doubt, and move beyond my God / separation drama.
“It is time to immerse myself in this magic,” I tell myself. “It is time to let go of the doubts literally raging through me.”
I continue to feel this intense inner chatter, but I am not buying it. I simply allow it to flow unobstructed, while instead focusing on higher energy reminders that what I feel energetically shifting and expanding in my body is very real indeed.
A Fun House
Still in observation mode, I feel numerous energies moving and flowing in my body, especially in the heart and high heart regions, but some in the abdomen as well. I receive no rational mind validation for what I feel, but I do not need it. I just watch and allow.
Frequently, the doubter part of me again chatters that it wants help, validation, guidance, etc…, but I continue to focus only on the expansion.
After the last ceremony, I am more determined than ever not to let rational mind thought dominate my experience – an experience that is outside the scope of thinking. I am in a state of pure trust that a higher part of me is flowing, beautifully guiding me through every step of my journey, and that there is nothing for me to push.
I know this; I feel the power in knowing this. I do not ask for help. Instead, I simply remain the observer in a very different flow of body energies, doing so until nearly 5:00 p.m. when Keith finally looks at me, and asks how I am doing. I quickly fill him in.
Keith congratulates me for working with the two sides as separate entities (the confusion, chaos, and doubt versus the ongoing expansion of energies), and for seeing and acknowledging them both. Keith then pauses for about thirty seconds before again speaking.
He then suggests an interesting new meditation, one involving my theme park. Before proceeding, he makes sure that I understand what a “fun house” is. I clearly remember visiting a local theme park back in the sixties – one that had a huge “fun house” with all kinds of different attractions – indoor slides, crazy mirrors, wild merry-go-rounds, and a huge variety of other exciting places for a young child to explore.
A Confusing Start
“Brenda,” Keith suggests. “I want you to put two fun houses in your theme park … one with the magic shut down, and one with the magic open. Ask the shutdown part of you to go visit the open fun house, and ask the magical part of you to go visit the shut down one.”
As I start to do this, I feel quite overwhelmed trying to do it all at once, beginning to encounter deep confusion and doubt in my ability to continue. Keith quickly intervenes, encouraging me to just let go of the chaos … suggesting that this will take some time, and that I will likely want to do each journey separately.
He then leaves me on my own while he goes off to do inner work with the two women who were earlier engaged in deeply magical conversations.
Back And Forth Anger
I first imagine the magical and joyful me as walking into the closed, shut-down fun house. I feel very depressed as I connect with a playground that has no power, no working rides. There is a feeling of anger and apathy surrounding the idea of being abandoned here – resentment about being in the dark all of these years. Yet I have clarity that this place is NOT me.
Then I take the shut-down part of me into the magical fun house. At first, I experience the same initial feelings of anger, apathy, abandonment, and resentment. But I quickly realize that these feelings belong to the shut-down part of me that I take into that room with me.
Soon, I feel this apathetic and depressed part of me from the vantage point of a young child – an innocent child who can so easily forget and forgive – a playful child who can drop the pain and jump right into giggling play. This shut-down part of me begins to get wonder in her eyes, giggling and enjoying the magic, in awe at how fun it is here. There is hope that this magic is real, that it can be mine, and that the long emotional pain is ending.
Nevertheless, I sense the deep repressed presence of anger and resentment at how this magical playground was kept hidden from us all these years.
I venture back and forth between these two meditative realities, over and over. Soon, I hit emotion of deep anger and I allow myself to feel it, sinking into nearly a minute of agonizing dry heaving, while bending forward in pain and gasping for breath. After several long waves of such intense emotion I sit up, bring in the light, and feel fine.
I begin to then ponder both fun houses from a higher perspective.
Harry Potter Fun
Suddenly I am flooded with a flow of delightful metaphors from the Harry Potter books and movies.
As a tiny baby, Harry was abandoned by Professor Dumbledore who left him in a Muggle world, living at the home of the Dursley’s – a home in which his magic was deeply rejected and kept hidden from him – a home where he was a misfit, made to live in a broom closet. He had a miserable childhood in which all of his magical gifts were kept hidden from him, and where he was punished if his magic accidently came up.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “This sounds like exactly what I went through in the shut-down process. I was a magical child born and raised among Muggles, feeling different, but now knowing why. I accidently engaged in magical abilities, but got into deep and painful trouble because of it. I was raised in a deeply religious home where such magic, when innocently revealed, was labeled as evil and forbidden.”
But when Harry became of age, and his admission letters for Hogwarts began to show up, his family rejected him even more, fighting the process, forcing him to stay in the dark, going to great measures to keep him in safe in the Muggle world.
“And the more I open my magic,” I ponder, “the more I sense a fear that those I love in old belief systems will make me wrong and judge me. For years, I tried to keep myself in the dark, safe in the normal world, giving all my power away to people pleasing.”
And I can only imagine that Harry initially felt betrayed by Dumbledore for abandoning him with the Dursleys, but it is so clear from a higher perspective that this was for his own protection, keeping him alive and his magic safe from Voldemort and his followers until it was time for Harry to open it up.
“Wow,” I giggle, “this is the perfect metaphor for my God / separation drama. I felt betrayed, feeling abandoned and shut down, but now I see it was all perfect, that I needed to be born into a world that was not ready for me, and that my magic had to wait until it was safe to open.”
Nevertheless, the resentment of having the magic squashed continues to carry deep inner emotion regarding the struggles of my youth. Part of me is still fighting my entrance into Hogwarts, even though there is ample and repeated evidence that I belong there.
Resisting My Magic
I observe with inner giggles as Keith continues to work with the two magical women. I feel quite complete with my process. Several times, I feel as if I am ready to go home, to leave the porch early and bask in the new understanding. But each time I check my guidance, I get a feeling to stay a little longer.
I continue to observe, but do not feel at all connected to what is going on around me. By now, Catherine is doing deep energy work near the head of the other magical woman (I will call her Jill). I see that what is gong on is profound, but feel no guidance to involve myself, none whatsoever. I sense that my assistance is not necessary – that there are more than enough magical people participating.
Finally, I gather my stuff and prepare to stand up.
“Brenda,” Keith quickly interrupts, “I can feel how you are energetically connected to what Jill is doing. Why don’t you go sit down and work with her at her feet.”
I resist at first, because I do not feel the energy behind Keith’s request. If anything, I suddenly realize that I sort of resent how he has subtly pushed me occasionally to share my magic with others, even when I do not feel ready, even when I cannot trust what I feel inside. I feel like a fraud and a fake when I share from such a doubting state … but right now, Keith is quite firm in his loving guidance, and with his encouragement backing me, I am glad to participate.
A Perfect Setup
The instant I sit and place my hands on Jill’s feet, she immediately speaks with surprise.
“Whoa,” Jill exclaims, “you have hands of fire!”
But I do not hear what she says. Keith comments on the beautiful feedback, and I ask Jill, “What did you say?”
Keith quickly tells me that she said I have hands of fire. I sit sharing energy at Jill’s feet for perhaps fifteen minutes. As I do so, I feel beautifully grounded energy flowing in my heart and magical vibrations flowing in my hands. It is a very familiar feeling – a very empowering feeling – and quite confidence-building, especially with the feedback that repeatedly flows my way. Keith tells me that I am jumpstarting her energy flow to a new level, helping her in a very powerful way.
New Homework
Then the unexpected “FUN” comes when Keith speaks to me in a firm tone – a tone that I perceive as frustrated, scolding, and even bullying – emphasizing to me that he has been trying to get me out of my seat to help others for a long time.
I do not “own” Keith’s words. They do not stick to me, yet the way I perceive his presentation triggers me.
In my mind, I can only remember one or two such comments from Keith in recent months, and I immediately feel defensive and unjustly attacked, because I have been genuinely and magically following the flow of my process, and not pushing the river. The inner storyteller begins to chatter, reminding me of how I have been having a large number of very empowering growth experiences lately. I have engaged my heart and shared a great deal of energy from afar in magical ways, frequently being praised for how I have done so.
And I have never once turned down a specific request to share energy, from Keith or from anyone else. In my heart, I absolutely know the genuine purity of my intent, which reassures me that, “If I felt strongly guided to share energy with someone … with anyone … that I would surely have done so.”
“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “your homework is to figure out why you do not help more.”
“I know that no one needs me,” I defend myself to Keith, “and when I feel inner guidance encouraging me, I do follow it. When I see the porch running smoothly, I feel no need to go interrupt someone and ask if they need my help. I feel like it is more important to continue following my own process until guidance takes me elsewhere.”
Exploring Inner Motives
As I ponder silently, I can clearly see wisdom in Keith’s guidance … and I can feel the profound new power flowing through me as a result of sharing energy with Jill, but I had NOT recognized any intuitive guidance to work with her, not even after Keith had actually asked me to do so.
I begin to question myself, but in my heart, I know I was true to the flow of my process as I felt it. Perhaps I am not clearly open to receiving higher intuitive guidance in all situations, but if this is the case, I would rather err on the side of trusting what I DO feel and working on removing more blocks in the meantime, rather than running around doing things that do not yet resonate with my heart.
As I ponder silently, I review many reasons why I do not normally volunteer help unless asked.
Yes, there is often a hidden fear of rejection (giving away my power) behind my refusal to take more initiative as a healer. But if I feel guidance, I nearly always follow it. I do have to admit, however, that I am much more inclined to work with people I know and love, rather than working with strangers or with people who intimidate me. So I do know that social fears are still getting in the way of that guidance.
If someone new is emotionally melting down in group and if Keith is otherwise disposed, I often (when guided) do approach and ask if I can be of assistance, but in situations where no such “emergency” exists, I personally lean toward a belief that unless I am someone like Keith, leading a group where my assistance is implicitly assumed, I feel that it is presumptuous of me to walk up so someone (without being guided to do so) and to just volunteer my help, especially when I have my own issues coming up (which they have been).
But I think my biggest hesitancy is that my deepest triggering of the last two (plus) years has been while watching other healers as they come onto Keith’s porch and immediately they want to be the star healers, prancing around working on others, while refusing to look inside at their own issues.
“I still have this huge issue with unhealed healers,” I ponder. “I still recognize so much unhealed stuff in me, that if I have the choice of working on my own issues, versus volunteering to work with someone else (in the absence of guidance), I will always choose to keep working on my own issue first.”
A “Speaking My Truth” Forewarning
To my shock and surprise, just after Keith makes his firm statements to me, after I have a few seconds to ponder my feelings expressed above, Catherine then gets brave. She warns me in advance that she feels strongly guided to speak her truth, and I begin to listen with total transparency.
I am immediately whisked back to that final Friday in June, 2012, when I felt deeply attacked by Catherine’s tough-love, make-wrong feedback – and how I felt even more betrayed when Keith told me she was right. It took me a while, but I found great healing as a result of that experience.
Today, I immediately see the setup in reverse, with Keith “semi-scolding” me first and now Catherine preparing to speak her truth. I immediately flash back to the profound clarity I had at the beginning of the ceremony today – clarity that this was going to be a different type of ceremony in which I needed to trust that I do indeed create my reality.
“I am not being attacked by anyone outside of myself,” I ponder with deep self-honestly. “The words that have been said, and that are about to be said by Catherine, are words that I am energetically attracting as part of my stage play. I want this to happen so that I can grow in some way – some way perhaps quite differently than might be expected.”
Listening With Love
I listen with complete giggling transparency as Catherine goes into a firm tough-love description of how she has watched my amazing magic for the last eight months, and has often even validated it herself. She tells me I have so much to share with others.
“But you don’t do it because you are still cycling in your own processing instead.” Catherine exclaims firmly. “Nothing has changed in these last eight months. You are still going through layer after layer of your density, not making any progress.”
“Brenda, you are just refusing to let go and make the shift into your power,” Catherine emphasizes with deep frustration in her voice.
Catherine goes on for several minutes, as many of her comments do not resonate as true in my own heart. I immediately recognize the intended love behind Catherine’s words. I feel her frustration that she can see my potential to help others, and that I am not doing it her way … in what she sees as the obvious and easy way. In fact, I know that at a higher level, she is right. I have profound gifts, I am still processing densities, and at some level I am refusing to let go and move into my power. Of course I am … it is my yet-unresolved God drama. But I AM diligently working on it in the only way I know how.
I feel profoundly transparent to what I perceive as Catherine’s “make-wrong” “tough-love” approach. I know her motives are pure and genuine, and I allow her loving intent to reach my heart, but I also know that she does not understand my path through the eyes of my OWN deep inner guidance.
I wish I knew how to just let go and shift into my power. I know my process is perfect and always has been exactly what I designed as MY journey in this lifetime. I have a profound journey with stuckness – with understanding childhood conditioning, God drama, inner-child work, etc… – and it is a journey with needing to understand these things inside out so that I can write about them and help others who are also deeply entrenched in left-brained realities.
Loving Resolution
After going on for several minutes, with similar loving-but-make-wrong dialog, Catherine tells me that she now knows that she needs to allow me to have my own truth in my process, but that she had to speak hers. I can feel that she is now waiting for the angry backlash to come raging back from me.
“You don’t see me reacting in a negative way,” I giggle back to Catherine. “I really appreciate your feedback, and I can feel your genuine intent.”
I mostly leave it at that, continuing to feel profoundly transparent and giggling. I clearly get it now. I can allow Catherine to have her truth … and to even speak it in what I perceive as a tough-love, judgmental, make-wrong way … and I can receive it with the love intended. And through it all, I can remain in my deeply secure inner knowing of who I am and what my process is about.
I know Catherine has no clue as to the level of intense and massive healing that I have done in the last eight months … and I know she has no clue as to the profound growth that I have gone through in the last few months … but I giggle as I realize how I genuinely feel no need whatsoever to defend or explain myself in any way.
I know my truth, and she knows hers. It is all perfect.
Individual Transparency
At one point in the conversation, I do feel a twinge of attack from Keith when he jumps in to again validate something that Catherine says to me … but in retrospect, I clearly realize he was not making me wrong in any way – that he was actually agreeing with the validation of my magic, and the statement that I do need to heal my God drama and embrace my power. But I do feel annoyed that Keith seems to be pushing me, even bullying me, to step more into my power when I do not feel ready to do so.
It is quite amazing as I look in retrospect and realize how even while in a state of profound transparency with Catherine, I allowed Keith’s words to jab me and annoy me.
This little realization helps me understand that I can achieve transparency with one person, while another can still push a button if I am not fully present.
It is not until later that I realize this is another perfect opportunity (created by me) to again trust my inner knowing over what someone else – anyone else – might tell me. I agree with Keith’s guidance in the long run. I see it as true and valid.
But I also trust that I have been true to my own inner guidance every step of the way – and that at some level I wanted Keith to say those things today to prod me into examining this issue at a deeper level.
A Perfect Day
As I later walk home, I am still giggling inside based on how I responded to Catherine’s well-intentioned speech. But I do still feel a little confused and defensive regarding Keith’s earlier words.
As I look back on the day, I can clearly see how everything fit together in perfect sequence, that the part of me who still refuses to step into the healing role is the “shut-down child me” who stepped into that magical “fun house”. I still have anger and fear to work through. I am in that magic, I have the gifts, but part of me continues to refuse to cooperate.
The day has been perfect, even though ego chatter continues to surface with surprising persistence. As I further ponder the desire to put more of myself out there in the world, deep fear and panic immediately surface – validating the inner dysfunction that yet remains – validating that Keith is indeed speaking truth.
Ego wants to insist that Keith is pushing the river with me. But my heart tells me, once again, that I energetically asked Keith to push me, because it is time to take another leap of faith. This entire ceremony today was perfectly timed to show me a new level of transparency, and to push my “fear of power” buttons in my ongoing journey with God drama.
Persistent Storytellers
It takes me a while to return to my inner self-empowerment – and to drop the baited hooks that I had begun to bite with Keith. That bait was quite flavorful, but I was aware of what I was doing. I have come too far to sabotage myself like that.
When I finish typing up notes for the day, I am again in a state of genuine peaceful transparency, clearly recognizing the magical synchronous flow in everything that took place today.
But then the angry chatter returns with a vengeance, creating stories of how I was pushed and bullied, of how my own truth was discounted and how the truth of someone else was forcefully thrust upon me with tough love.
This chatter incessantly dominates my head, constantly presenting me with “evidence” of this and that. I do not want to listen to the stories, but these stories will not quit – being somewhat frightening with their power. Finally, as a preventative measure, I call a dear friend back home, asking for her love and support to help me let go of the stories and to embrace the truth within.
Giggling Remembering
It is only later that I remember another profound experience from the day. At one point, two different people were simultaneously riding each other’s wave while connecting with multidimensional energies.
I was quietly attempting to do the same, surrendering in deep meditation, but not going very far. At that point, Keith had unexpectedly interrupted to share a bit of guidance.
“Brenda,” Keith told me, “your task, before working on opening to multidimensional stuff, is to first clean up the distortions surrounding your empath abilities.”
Keith went on to validate that I have amazing and strong empath gifts, but that if I don’t clean them up before connecting to multidimensional energies, that I would find myself totally overwhelmed.
I giggle as I later ponder this brief exchange with Keith. It profoundly validates that he was aware of what I was trying to do, that he knows where I am at in my process, and that I DO need to keep working on certain blocks and densities before I can move further into my light shadow. The only thing Keith was trying to help me realize today was that sharing my magic is one way to jumpstart me more rapidly into my light shadow, so that such growth would then further trigger whatever is in the way, in a leap-frog sort of way.
Tough-Love Emotions
The inner storyteller continues to chatter all night long as I barely get about four hours of sleep. Thursday morning when I wake up, I am shocked by the stories that continue to insist on my undivided attention.
As the morning goes on, I repeatedly attempt to ignore the chatter, but it is obnoxious and persistent, refusing to take a back seat. It seems that I have a painful reservoir of anger and sadness over the issue of tough love. I begin to realize that I just glossed over it yesterday, finding transparency at one level, but ignoring underlying emotions at another.
“Perhaps I need to explore this buried pain of how, as a child, love was used to shame me, to manipulate me, to bully me, and to control me into obedience, and how withholding of love was used to further motivate me into conforming.” I ponder.
As I continue reflecting on the events of yesterday, I begin to see the profound stage play at another level – clearly showing me in an experiential way just how tough love WAS used to manipulate me as a child. I literally gave away all of my power to my mother, giving up everything I thought I knew, replacing it with her truth.
“The storytelling part of me is that wounded little child who is tired of being bullied in the name of love,” I ponder with clarity.
Wow, with this clarity, I take this right back to the two-fun-houses meditation from yesterday. There is a magically transparent child inside of me, and an angry shut-down child inside of me. The first is happy and sees everything that happened as being perfect. The second is angry and insists on telling stories until some type of apology is received. Both of these children are still alive and well inside me, and the angry, disempowered one is quite powerful.
Tough-Love Distortions
The insane head chatter and storytelling continues to rage. I consider watching a movie to silence the dissent, but something tells me I need to listen and face this head on, with love.
As the chatter screams on and on, I remember something I saw in an Abraham Hicks video, talking about how when falling from an airplane, “it will be over soon.” I simply surrender and observe the chatter with love and patience.
Over and over in this process, the bizarre oxymoron of “tough-love” keeps flashing into my awareness. I am quite clear that any type of love used to shame or control others is the antithesis of unconditional love. I am now more clear than ever that my magic was brutally forced out of me using tough love … by well-meaning adults who “loved me” into doing things their way.
“Tough love is manipulation, guilt-inducing, shame-throwing, bullying, scolding, “obey-me-because-I-love-you” hogwash,” I ponder with inner conviction. “And it HURT.”
Intense Beginnings
Just before walking out to Keith’s porch, I stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly stare into my own eyes with pure unconditional love – beautiful self-love, and compassion. Over and over, I speak to that amazing soul in the mirror, telling her how much I love her, how much she deserves pure unconditional love, etc…
Whatever I say, it somehow does the trick, and I walk away from that mirror in a new energy, again feeling centered and balanced.
It is a small group, with around ten people at the start. After a long silent meditation, Keith soon turns to me.
“Brenda,” Keith asks. “How are you today?”
I quickly fill Keith in with a very sketchy description of my crazy-making journey with exploring unfolding insights of how “tough love” was used to discipline me in childhood, and throughout my life.
“As a child, I was brutally loved into conformance,” I then explain to Keith through forming tears. “Tough love is the antithesis, the polar opposite of unconditional love. It makes-wrong, it says “I know better than you and you better listen to me,” and it kills your spirit.”
Distorted Love
“How about if we call it distorted love?” Keith suggests.
“Yeah, that too,” I respond. “I realize that I did feel real love in that situation last night. It was just distorted with a tough-ass, make-wrong, in my face attitude.”
“But the strange thing is that right now, I am experiencing a sense of guilt for being empowered,” I share new insight with Keith. “I feel like I am defying authority by talking about this … like I am an evil bitch. Do you have any suggestions?”
“No, you’re doing fine,” Keith responds. “Just follow the metaphors.”
Keith immediately moves on.
From Chaos To Love
As I resume silent meditation, I gradually find myself regressing back into confusion, chaos, and panic. I literally feel as if I am throwing a massive inner temper tantrum. I find it extremely difficult not to be distracted. A dense, heavy energy clouds my focus. I know this is another wave of childhood emotion raging through me like a flashflood, again showing me a very common experience from childhood. It is profoundly familiar.
This regression rages for more than an hour. Finally, I ask Higher Energy to assist, silently expressing my desire to let this flow out of me and transmute, and asking that if I have felt it long enough, that it might be taken from me. Gradually, the intensity subsides, until I feel a nice flow of Higher Energy replacing the craziness.
A while later, Keith glances my way. When we make eye contact, he gives me a glowing thumbs up. I simply watch without saying anything.
“Brenda, you are sharing a lot of beautiful energy with Sarah on your left,” Keith then speaks.
“Thanks. I can’t feel the energy flowing to her,” I respond with some doubt, “but I do know that I am in a very nice energy now.”
I love the timely feedback. I was actually intending for my energy to help Sarah, and based on Keith’s feedback, it was doing just that. On the other hand, my lack of personal sensitivity slightly triggers my “I am the slow learner on a magic porch” energy.
Magical Me, Shut-Down Me
I sit in this nice energy for a while, and it then fades, taking me right back to that chaos, confusion, panic tantrum.
Again, I observe, feeling hopeless and helpless to stop what is happening. I do not buy into the reality of what is taking place. I know it is likely just a regression from childhood. But it is driving me batty just the same.
In deep frustration, I momentarily step into the bathroom where I allow myself to actually throw a silent temper tantrum, triggering a huge layer of density to flow up and out of me before I return to the porch.
Finally, Keith again looks at me, and we engage in conversation. I explain that I am working with the two versions of me again – the magical me and the shut-down me.
“The shut-down me is throwing a huge inner temper tantrum,” I explain to Keith. “It is crazy inside.”
A Glimpse Of Peace
“Why don’t you try something very different,” Keith suggests. “Go inside and ask a Higher Being that you work with to stand in front of you. This being is going to temporarily turn off the tantrum energy for you.”
I clearly recognize that what is about to happen will give me a glimpse into a tantrum-free world. I begin to discus this thought with Keith and he tells me to get out of my head and go back into my heart.
For about five minutes, I focus inside while recognizing that part of me is resisting this experience. Finally, in a state of deep relaxation, I suddenly feel a rush of tickling energy. It begins to enter the right side of my heart, and then almost immediately, the confusion vanishes. At this exact moment (as Keith was briefly working with someone else), Keith turns and touches my leg.
“How does it feel now?” He asks me with a smile.
“Wow,” I giggle. “It just vanished right before you touched me … and it feels wonderful to be free of that tantrum.”
Keith again moves on. As I ponder the metaphor, I realize that the tickling on the right side of my heart clearly indicates that this was healing a left-brain energy distortion. For a while, this magical peace remains, and then, ever so gradually, the crazy temper tantrum returns. I again ask it to stop, and it vanishes for a while longer before coming back once more. When I ask again, the experiment no longer works. I was just given a brief glimpse into where I am headed, and it seems that I must now do the work to be free of the craziness.
Conscious Choice With Blinders
Eventually, Keith again asks how I am doing. I explain my journey and we begin to discus this as another part of my God drama.
“Is this something I can work with at the density level,” I ask. “When I release density, I feel more energy open up every time.”
“No,” Keith responds bluntly. “This really is a choice, and working with it at the density level is kind of a temporary fix. You need to own the choice you are making inside and then stop making it. And you can keep playing this out until you are done.”
“So, there is no point in working with this anymore at the emotional level,” I again seek more clarity.
“No,” Keith again responds.
“I know I am doing this,” I talk out loud, searching for more clarity, “and based on what you have told me in the past, you would say that this is a conscious choice that I am making, while having blinders on … right?”
“Yes,” Keith responds with a smile.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “I still do not see where the choice is being made, but I do see the whole issue much more clearly now. I am in a state of know myself, of being aware of what I do.
I clearly know that this tantrum loop is at or near the core of my God / separation drama – of my refusal to connect to the light and Higher Energies. I easily see that when I am balanced in the light, that the tantrum is gone, but when some type of victimization or betrayal trigger happens, then the tantrum returns. I am increasingly transparent, with the tantrum growing less frequent, and I am actually happy that the tough-love triggers from yesterday took me right back here, to this moment. I am learning so much.
I see how I lose myself in this tantrum loop, refusing to connect until the trigger is first resolved in some way. I have seen this pattern repeat itself for two years now. It is so obvious, yet remains so hidden from conscious view. The best part is that even when it is triggered, I no longer cycle through the loop in trauma and drama.
Silly Tantrum
I giggle as a young man across the porch asks Keith a silly question about the God drama – one that sums it up so clearly.
“So, I am angry at God for something I set up and chose, and I refuse to connect to God until he makes it right,” the young man asks.
“This is the silly game I am playing,” I respond with a giggle. “You make it sound so simple. But for some reason, even with this understanding, I cannot seem to fully get it.”
I begin to laugh inside as another memory from yesterday flashes into my mind. Early in that perfectly-created ceremony, Keith had again asked me if I had figured out yet what he had changed on the porch (See blog, “Magical Motherly Mojo”). Just two weeks ago, this riddle had annoyed me enough to help me understand the futility of trying to figure things out with the mind.
“This is why Keith has been throwing the head riddle bait out to me,” I ponder. “I am still trapped in refusing to cooperate with the light until I understand it better … until I first figure out my God drama game with rational mind. It seems that only then will I let it go.”
Today I was given several glimpses of how I was able to temporarily escape that confusion, chaos, panic, head-chatter, inner-tantrum loop, simply by bringing in Higher Energies.
“It felt so wonderful,” I ponder with surprise. “Why would I want to keep playing out this silly tantrum?”
And yet, I know I am still in the process of taking off the blinders, of needing to understand what I do, so that I will be self-aware enough to no longer make the choice-with-blinders-on. Oh, the tangled web I weave.
Departing Densities
Near the end of the ceremony I again bring in enough Higher Energy to take me into a peaceful state of inner freedom. Just a minute or two after achieving this state, a new energy-sensitive friend across the porch motions with her hands above her heart, trying to get my attention, implying that she is feeling something going on in me.
I just smile back at my friend (I will call her Susan), because the only thing I know right now is that I finally feel peaceful again.
When I later hug Susan, I ask her what she was trying to tell me with her hand gestures.
“I actually SAW some density surface in you heart, go up, and then leave out of your throat,” Susan surprises me with her observation.
Keith overhears us talking and quickly turns to validate what Susan just told me.
“You saw or sensed it too?” I ask Keith with a giggle.
“Yeah,” Keith responds, “because it was huge … a lot of density.”
I am often amazed by the levels of magic that surround me. It is difficult not to take such a beautiful experience and to use it to flog myself – beating myself up for not even being able to sense in my own body what others seem to so magically see and/or feel. I know this is another of my God-drama issues – a feeling of inadequacy and even resentment that I am so shut down while others are so sensitive.
“I know the magic is in me, and it is frequently validated by so many others,” I tell Susan. “It is so easy to get down on myself as being at the bottom of the class.”
“Well, I see you as deeply magical,” Susan responds with pure sincerity.
Tempting Tantrum Tactics
As Keith and I have a moment to chat, he congratulates me on my work today and I thank him profusely for guiding me into another level of profound experiential understanding. I have understood the “thinking” behind the God drama for a very long time, but I am finally experiencing that understanding at a level that does not come from books or rational-mind discussion.
It is so obvious to me now that I do indeed have a very magical child giggling around inside of me – and that I also have a deeply wounded, angry, shut-down child as well. Both are real, and both exist inside of me. That shut-down child has ruled my reality for decades, keeping me small and insignificant, causing me to shrink in the presence of powerful people. This wounded inner me absolutely knows that opening her power is equivalent to more betrayal and attack. She is tired of feeling squashed and bullied by the distorted love of others who have the power, and refuses to cooperate and embrace her own power until things are made right, until apologies are received, reparations are made, and she gets what she wants.
Just yesterday, I felt quite bullied by Keith as he lovingly “pushed” me to get out of my seat and to share more magic with others. At first, I tried to repress this feeling by simply glossing over it with the genuine, pure transparency of that magical child giggling inside of me – the transparency I have finally achieved in many situations, most quite recently.
But the shut-down child would have none of that. She chattered and whined and threw her tantrum all last night, all morning, and off and on through much of the today’s ceremony.
I am profoundly grateful for being able to detach myself just enough to observe with shocked awareness how this very real part of me kicked and screamed, refusing to cooperate. And yes, her stories really are quite convincing – quite tempting to embrace. And I am so grateful for grace-filled glimpses of what life is like when the tantrum is temporarily lifted.
Trusting Personal Truth
Later Thursday evening, I immerse myself in another video of Abraham, translated by Esther Hicks. It is a video from Esther’s “Vortex of Attraction” series – from disk two of episode two – an episode titled “Healthy Wealthy Wise.” At just after fifty-four minutes into this video, Abraham makes a statement that is in perfect alignment with exactly the things I have been working with. (For those who may not know, Abraham is a group of Higher Beings channeled through Esther Hicks.)
“What we are all interested in is you, finding a personal resonance with YOUR personal truth, because that’s the only thing you can trust. We want you to trust that more than us.”
It seems that one of my biggest life issues – perhaps the very core of my God drama – has been learning to reclaim the power of trusting in my own unique inner truth. It is a truth that was tough-loved out of me as a child – causing me to abandon everything I once knew, and to instead seek love and approval by surrendering to and worshiping the confusing truths of others.
These last two chocolate ceremonies have been profound, giving me an opportunity to practice trusting my own personal truth – even when that truth is rejected and made-wrong by others – even when I perceive someone like Keith pushing me to do something that does not, in the moment, resonate with my heart.
As I learn to trust my own inner knowing above all else, I increasingly understand that this is the true source of my lost power – the power to fuel my very own magical theme park, one that is inside of me. It is a power overflowing with Source energy, unconditional love, divine trust, and confident knowing that I create my own reality. Everything is perfect, even when it appears to be distorted in some way. It has all guided me with magical synchronicity, step by step taking me ever deeper into the joy and inner power.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved