Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “Eighth Chakra Magic.”
After a semi-restful sleep, I wake up Monday morning in a weird mood. I meditate in bed for a while, but continue to feel tired and disconnected. As I later walk out toward Keith’s home, I bump into a beautiful young friend. After a genuine hug, she asks how I am doing, and I respond in an honest way. I first explain how my neighbors had been partying late last night, and how I was still somewhat feeling emotions of needing to beat myself up for walking over in my pajamas at 11:30 p.m. to ask them to please be respectful.
“I am experiencing repeated God-drama “I-am-a-loser” hooks dangling in front of me,” I respond with a tired smile. “I know this is a baited fabrication of ego, but I am projecting abandonment feelings onto Keith, projecting resentment about last night turned inward, or whatever. I am just not sure what I am doing … other than it is repressed anger flowing through me, wanting to be projected outward onto someone or something else.”
“I just know that the hooks are dangling in front of me in a big way,” I giggle with frustration, “but I AM NOT biting them.”
My friend deeply resonates with my words because she too is facing her own inner struggles. Somehow, we cheer each other up with encouragement not to bite our own respective hooks.
Beginning Chatter
The workgroup ceremony begins thirty minutes late, and then the first hour is consumed by a great deal of surface level talking as Keith does a show-and-tell regarding chocolate – something that had been specifically requested by a new woman while we bagged chocolate last night. It is a special treat, however, because Keith happens to have several fresh cacao pods with the seeds and sweet-tart white pulp still intact. He has cut one open, and we each get to sample a couple of fresh cacao seeds surrounded by the fruit.
This conversation draws on and on as many people ask a constant stream of questions to satisfy their nonstop curiosity. I am anxious to move beyond the head talk that has been prevalent in recent ceremonies. I know this rational-minded chatter and storytelling is part of my process because it continues to trigger me, causing me to feel twinges of projected judgment. I feel my inner heart drain slightly. I am still giving away my power.
Finally, Keith asks the group to “go to glow” and we all sit in beautiful silence for a very long time. Keith occasionally interrupts to work with someone, but there is a great deal of deep meditative silence, satisfying my craving.
Meanwhile, I have figured out the reason why I am again struggling to open my heart … why I have shut down yet again. New layers of intense fear and resistance have been uncovered, and I am ignoring them, insisting that they should not be there … that I have already done this work.
An Old Reality
Falling back to a familiar metaphor, I invite all of these “chattering resistance energies” to join me in an inner conference room. I imagine myself greeting them with beautiful love. I thank them for keeping me safe and distracted all these years.
“But we no longer need this head chatter to keep us from opening our heart,” I explain with love. “We are now in a different planet, a different dimension, and are ready to move into that higher vibration.”
“I would love it if you could help me understand what you need from me in order to earn your trust,” I share my heart with these inner energies.
Somewhere in the middle of this conversation, I begin to experience deep pains in my heart and abdomen. Intuition whispers loudly that the pains are a physical manifestation of this resistance … and that the resistance is really energy from my mother that she psychically implanted into me when I was a child.
Keith has occasionally explained that with psychic surgery, a parent can unknowingly cut out part of a child’s guidance system, and replace it with a piece of their own, all as part of a desperate attempt on the parent’s part to help the child learn to behave and conform as the parent believes they should.
Keith has never directly told me that this is exactly what happened to me, but he has strongly hinted at it several times … and clear intuitions tell me that this is exactly what I am dealing with right now. That much of the resistance that is now surfacing is not even my own energy. It is my mother’s energy, implanted into me, still trying to keep me locked into an old reality.
As these intuitions continue to strengthen, I invite all of these “mother energies” to join me in the conference room. Immediately, I feel a rush of love in my heart, telling me that I am definitely on the right track.
Heart Magic Memories
I work with these energies in the same way I would work with my own inner energies … doing so with love. I thank them for keeping me alive in this “sheeple world” all these years. I acknowledge their profound love for me, their genuine desire to keep me safe, and I express profound appreciation for their dedicated service.
In the midst of this meditation, Intuitions remind me of an experience I wrote about in a blog titled, “Heart Magic,” one published March 9, 2011. In that blog, I told the story of a young man that I called John. The experience took place on Valentines Day in 2011. John had been aware since childhood that his brother’s spirit was sharing his body. It was the loving spirit of a baby brother who had died a year or two before John was born. John explained that he had communicated with his brother’s spirit since childhood, and that they had been best friends. They had a journey together, but John knew it was time to let his brother’s spirit move on.
In that beautiful and unforgettable experience, Keith guided our group that day to support John as he found the courage to let his baby brother move forward. It was an extremely difficult task for John to let go of an energy to which he was so lovingly attached. In an amazing process that was very similar to childbirth, John finally rejoiced after feeling his baby brother’s spirit leave, even actually seeing him being reborn as a physical baby elsewhere in the world.
As I ponder this story like it took place yesterday, I realize that these memories were brought back to me to show me that I am clinging to these psychic-surgery-implanted “mother energies” in much the same way. They have been with me from my earliest of memories … being my guidance system, my protectors, my companions, and my guardians. I had believed them to be my own, but now realize that they need to move on … to go back to my mother so that there is room for my own energies to return.
Angelic Social Workers
Still in that inner conference room, I invite my mother’s Higher Self to join me.
“Do these energies inside of me belong to you?” I ask with love.
“Yes,” I intuitively feel the response.
“Please prepare to receive them back from me,” I ask my mother’s Higher Essence.
I clearly understand that it is not my mother’s job to pull these energies out of me. It is my task to lovingly release them, and it is her job to receive them once I find the ability to let them go.
For the next while, things move slowly in this meditation. I experience the sensation of a deep-but-loving inner struggle as I find the courage to let go of inner energies with whom I am very familiar, in order to make room for presently-unknown parts of me that I have forgotten.
Soon, in my continued stuckness, I remember something that Keith had once guided me to do in another meditation. I quickly invite a huge group of giggling miniature angels to join me. I ask them to bring metaphorical buckets and tools, and to use their magical tools to help me to find which energies inside of me are not mine. As each of the energies are identified, I ask the angels to love them, hold them, chat with them, and nurture them. I imagine these angels as a metaphorical agency of “angelic social workers,” working with these energies to help them to understand that their true origin is not with me, but with my mother, and that it is now time to prepare to let go of this temporary home and go back to their true home.
Absence Of Doubt
I then imagine parts of me that belong in those spaces. I visualize excited, giggling energies of magical parts of me, each quite excited to be returning to their respective homes.
I realize that all of this sounds quite bizarre to a rational mind, but also clearly understand that I am giving metaphorical instructions to my subconscious mind, and that the metaphors I am using are the magical means of communicating with this inner reality.
Once the symbolic framework is laid and the metaphorical instructions are given, I promptly get out of the way, asking the angels to do what they do best while I step back, stop thinking, and just observe. I clearly know that I have no clue as to how this will work, but I do know that the Higher Energies can fulfill this task with profound love.
As I trust and surrender, I experience an energy flow that is quite beautiful, but not as strong as I hope to feel.
“Please double the flow,” I ask the angels.
After observing and feeling for a while, I again ask for another doubling … and eventually another. Over and over, I remind myself of my trust and belief in this magic. I know there is no room for rational doubts in this process. I repeatedly immerse myself in loving emotions directed toward these parts of me that are now going home.
In a form of physical feedback, I begin to experience twitches and twangs in my abdomen as energy vibrations mildly flow inside me. I feel deep love and trust reassure me that I need no external validation for what I am doing … not from Keith … not from anyone. I am in a magical state of total trust that what I am doing is extremely real. Wow, what a change this is from where I have frequently been in the past.
Borrowed Metaphors
As Keith works with a dear friend who is seated nearby, I suddenly feel guided to listen and follow along. I join the process somewhat unaware of the context, only hearing that my friend is seeing herself in the ocean, under a layer of ice. I am fascinated by what follows. The only thing I know for sure is that my friend is working with metaphors in her subconscious.
Keith guides my friend to the bottom of the ocean, where she discovers a treasure chest. Exploration reveals that she is protecting and guarding this chest with some type of light or life support to keep it safe and alive. Inside the chest are grief and pain from various sources, even other lifetimes. The contents are extremely painful for her, but she treasures those contents, protecting them, refusing to give them up. Eventually, the meditation reveals that the ocean floor is covered with such chests, each guarding other treasured layers of past pain.
“Wow,” I ponder with delight, “what an amazing metaphor of my God drama. All of these energies in me – energies psychically implanted by my mother – are seen by me as treasures. I am protecting them, guarding them, loving them as me, and refusing to give them up because they are my dysfunction, my excuse for being small. Every one of these energies is part of my collection … an assortment of cherished mementos … justification and ammunition that proves how I was hurt and betrayed by Higher Energies. I cling to these energies because of fear … because of familiarity … and because they define my life of struggle.”
Radiating Love
As I visualize my own treasure chests, I imagine lines running between my mother’s Higher Self and me … cords connecting us, hooking us together. I experiment with several metaphors to cut and release these cords, but do not achieve much success.
Soon, I return to my angelic social workers, and bring in my Fab-Four for support, and more magical belief. As I do this, I experience slight pains in the center of my heart. I feel energy flowing and resistance fading … but something inside continues to fight and resist.
Soon, Keith guides a magical young woman to look around the porch, sharing love with each person. He encourages her to imagine “blowing heart bubbles to each person.”
Ever since that “Heart Magic” day on Feb 14, 2011 – the one where we worked with John in releasing his baby brother’s spirit, I have realized that I have an extremely powerful heart too, and that when my energy is alive and connected, that I too can radiate such profound heart love in magical ways.
I soon realize that my process can be deeply enhanced if I too share love with others. I begin to imagine huge bubbles of love emanating from my heart … filling the porch, surrounding person after person. As I do so, my heart begins to come alive with powerful joy.
As my friend looks into my eyes, my heart fills to overflowing. When she moves on, I feel guided to do my own sharing with others, letting my eyes wander from person to person. I first make eye contact and radiate unconditional love to a magical young woman who is filled with fear and is unable to receive. This does not affect me at all, because I am now filled with so much loving power that I have no attachment to whether any of that love is received.
When I lock eyes with another friend, sending my love to her, she breaks down into deep sobs as she verbally shares that she feels deep mother’s love coming from me into her. I find this fascinating given the fact that my own mother’s magical love continues to elude me.
My heart is solid and glowing with love. I feel alive and overflowing.
Returning The Love
Finally, I lock my eyes onto Steven – the radiating young man who has twice stared into my eyes, sharing magical loving energies with me. Intuitions tell me that it is time for me to send love to him. I am aware that even though he can radiate massive amounts of light and love to others, that in many ways he struggles as a strong and alone little boy, somewhat unable to receive such love.
“I am going to let Steven pull love through me,” I giggle to myself as I focus on imagining a two-way connection between us. “I do not need to receive. I will just radiate like a divine butler and let light and love flow through me to him.”
As I do this, Steven is currently lying on the ground with his eyes closed. To my delight, he soon opens eyes and looks right back at me, locking eyes. I continue go glow with my alive and magical heart energy. I know he is receiving, and I too am increasingly glowing as some of that radiant energy further fills my heart, expanding my own capacity to share.
I see in his eyes and face how Steven is responding emotionally, in beautiful ways, cycling between waves of laughter and tears. It is a beautiful connection. We do not break eye contact, not even blinking, for at least a half hour. At times, we giggle together, and at times, we just stare with pure unconditional energy flowing between us. It is obvious to me that we are both at an unattached sharing level, with no under the table expectations. This is pure, divine, unconditional love being exchanged, and we both know that.
Maximum Curiosity
As this process continues, I take notice that I begin to feel fleeting pains in my abdomen. I wonder if I need to feel them and allow them to surface as perhaps a layer of emotion … but I cannot seem to feel them emotionally … just energetically.
As I continue to share this love with Steven, Keith soon surprises me by turning the group attention to what we are doing.
“Steven,” Keith interrupts the silence, “I am going to ask you to help me do something that will allow Brenda to receive something that will be profoundly helpful to her process.”
As Keith shares this guidance, neither Steven nor I break the connection of our locked eyes.
“Keith,” I soon interrupt the silence, still staring at Steven, “Should I look at Steven or at you?”
“Either would be fine,” Keith reassures me, “Steven will keep doing what he does whether you are looking at him or not.”
As I listen to Keith’s words, intuition tells me to turn my gaze to further connect with Keith’s guidance. Then Keith surprises me by beginning to talk to the whole group. Soon, I am glancing in all directions, connecting with many beautiful eyes.
“I am going to ask you to all repeat a mantra with me,” Keith tells the group. “I want everyone to do it in a child’s voice.”
Everyone in this beautiful group of sixteen people agrees to follow Keith’s lead. My curiosity is peaked to the maximum.
Childhood Chanting
I start to giggle as Keith begins to repeat words to the cadence and tone of a childhood chant, very much like that of a game called “Ring around the Rosie.”
“Brenda’s got the mojo,” Keith begins by himself. ‘Brenda’s got the mojo … Brenda’s got the mojo.”
Soon, the entire group follows his lead. I am not sure if I should participate or just listen. I feel a little silly, but I too join in, repeating the words in a playful childhood voice.
After a minute, I stop chanting with the group and begin to giggle. Suddenly a huge round of emotional release rages up out of my abdomen. I energetically dry heave the emotion out through my throat. It is intense and agonizing, lasting around ten or fifteen seconds, during which I cannot breathe as I continue to exhale layer after layer of pain. As often happens with me, this is an intense vomiting reflex, but at an energetic level, without the physical side. Seconds later, I bring in Higher Energy and am right back to the giggling.
For what feels like at least fifteen minutes, or perhaps more, I go through repeated such layers of deep and agonizing emotional release as Keith occasionally guides the group to periodically change words – cycling through mantras like “Brenda’s got the truth” … “Brenda’s got the magic” … “Brenda’s got the heart” … and a few others that I cannot remember.
Lifting Weights
I stop trying to chant with the group and instead only giggle as I stare into the loving eyes of others. But it seems that nearly every time I reach a state of unbridled giggling, that another layer of release rages to the surface – one that lasts ten or fifteen seconds before I come up for air and light, returning to a new layer of giggles. By now, I am also cycling into layers of unbridled sobbing mixed with the energetic heaving.
Gradually, over a long period of time, my emotional release fades and the giggling remains more stable and constant. Eventually, Keith ends the chant as the entire group simply giggles and radiates profound love in my direction.
I am astounded by the level of inner lightness that I experience. I feel as if hundreds of pounds of heavy weights have been lifted from my soul.
Childhood Regression
As the giggling fades, Keith begins to talk about what we did, taking me back to my childhood.
“We were using children’s voices to help you regress back in time to the truth of you as a child versus the lies that were told to you,” Keith explains to me.
“Yeah,” I respond with glowing understanding. “My mother literally abused this out of me. It was not physical abuse, and in my childhood culture, no one would ever even think of it as emotional abuse. But it WAS brutal emotional abuse, combined with cayenne pepper on my tongue and having my mouth washed out with soap. My magic was shamed out of me.”
Keith spends some time explaining to others in the group that this was a real regression to the past … and that we were bringing in healing for me as a child, which then migrates forward into the present moment as healing today, with me as adult Brenda.
As Keith first talks about my childhood and what happened with my mother, I again pass through an intense layer of sobbing and energetic heaving – lasting nearly thirty seconds before I finally come up and gasp for breath – back in a state of joyful smiles and giggles.
“Wow,” I explain to Keith, and the group, “I let a lot of pain go in those layers that came up … sobs … dry heaves … and then light.”
“I literally feel twenty years younger,” I blurt out in amazement.
Heartfelt Hugs
As I again glance around the group, making eye contact, one by one with most every person, I feel profound pure love radiating from everywhere and everyone. I am alive with giggles and peace … and wow, my heart is stronger, filled with more power, and more connected than I ever remember. I feel such a deep heart connection to everyone in the room.
The ceremony soon dissolves with the continuing giggles from my process. I hang around to the very end as the porch continues dancing with genuine goodbye hugs.
As I hug the beautiful woman who had originally inspired me (through her own process today) to begin sharing my heart bubbles with others, she shares heart-felt feedback with me.
“Brenda,” she tells me, being careful with her words regarding age, “I feel so much love and respect for you and others in your generation who have been shut down in the fifties, with many more years of pain-body buildup. I admire how you courageously go deeper and deeper, layer after layer, continuing with your healing process.”
I continue to visit and hug, because today is the last ceremony for several of my beautiful friends who are now returning to their respective countries and homes. I will miss these amazing people who have gathered on the porch, some for more than a month, a couple for the last few weeks. And I know that I will meet many new friends as well.
Alive Again
Just before leaving to walk home, I enjoy a short conversation with Steven as we both giggle in our growth of today. He tells me that he actually was focusing on receiving love through me, even though we did not talk about this beforehand … and he acknowledges that he felt a magical two-way connection flowing through us both.
“I know I could now go anywhere in the world and continue my healing, and be just fine,” I tell Steven, “But for me, this porch is my fast track, a place that so magically mirrors things to me, in such rapid reality-creating ways, giving me the opportunity to go deeper, faster.”
I love this insight as I go inside and ponder the events of last year. I was obviously on the hard bus in many ways, repeatedly processing one intense emotional projection after another – but even though it was at times agonizing and almost unbearable, I was owning and taking personal responsibility for what was happening, and doing massive amounts of inner healing in a deeper and faster way than I could have possibly done in any other situation. In fact, anywhere else in the world, I would have literally run away from such healing opportunities rather than face them head-on.
“And this year,” I continue my inner pondering, “I could never have allowed so much love to blossom without the magic of this porch.”
My heart swells with gratitude as I reflect how all of this growth is coming through simply trusting the flow of my being, and surrendering and allowing my process to unfold without resistance (well, with less resistance anyway).
“Wow, I am alive again,” I giggle as I dance all the way home. “I felt so shut down at the beginning of the ceremony today … but I am at a whole new level now. Who would have thought? I love it!”
Crazy Houseguests
Tuesday, after a magical day of writing, “Turbulent Waters,” I am physically exhausted and decide to go to bed quite early.
Suddenly, I wake up from a very crazy and vivid dream. I am shocked when I look at the clock and it is only 8:45 p.m. – just a little over an hour after I finally fell asleep.
I was living in a house … what seemed to be my house … and I had a roommate named April (I do not know anyone by that name). For some reason, I had allowed two older slightly disabled women (from an unknown foreign country) to move in and rent space from me. They also had a younger girl and a teenage boy with them.
On the very first day that they live with me, they invite guests over, and make huge messes in my kitchen, try to use my computer without permission, and create chaos with everything they touch.
I quickly step in and tell them “no one is allowed to use my laptop computer.” Soon, I notice they have cooked dinner, leaving greasy stuff all over. Then I note a second fridge has been placed in a very awkward place, as well as some weird shelf-like wooden structure in a bizarre distorted configuration.
“Did you bring that in?” I ask with confusion and frustration.
“It has been there for months,” My roommate April then tells me.
I am shocked and surprised that such crazy stuff would be in my house without me ever noticing.
Unsupervised, Without Boundaries
When I suddenly wake up, rubbing my eyes with giggles at the early evening hour, I attempt to just ignore the dream, viewing it as silly and meaningless, wanting to just go back to bed. But something tells me to write it down and to meditate about it.
Suddenly, the intuitions flash.
“I am overflowing with messy energies inside of me … invited house guests that do not have any rules,” I ponder with surprise. “I have given them free run of my precious inner space, letting them do anything they want with no boundaries.”
I clearly see these energies as old belief systems, habits, and dysfunctional patterns – energies that leave messes all over, with no supervision. I am finally beginning to take notice of what is going on inside, and am shocked by the chaos in which I am living.
“This is my sacred space,” I ponder with deep insight. “Why would I continue to allow such old, low vibration, foreign energies to still be living in my inner temple? These energies distract me from the higher vibrations I want to be in. They create confusion, chaos, and frustration in my life.”
“Wow,” I then ponder with shock. “I have parasites living all over my space. It is time to clean house.”
Garbage As Food
As I further ponder, I remember that in the dream, the teenage boy had suddenly grabbed some oily chicken skins off the counter. I was about to throw these out before he jumped in to stop me, insisting that this was a food delicacy for him.
“My emotional garbage is food for these low-vibrational foreign guests,” I ponder with a giggle.
I cannot help but draw a correlation between how I, as an empath, have been consuming the emotional garbage of others, storing it inside of me as treasured and protected nourishment that I did not want to, or even know how to throw away.
Giggling Confidence
Wednesday morning, I giggle as I send a beautiful email to a friend, and then endure the loud, off-key screeching sounds of a couple of young travelers playing the guitar and singing on the steps of the little bookstore / café below my kitchen window. The energy of their happy hearts and enthusiasm seems to override any annoyance or judgment that might normally try to surface in such a situation.
As usual, I arrive early at the afternoon chocolate ceremony, and prepare the porch for those who will soon arrive. I can only giggle when, just as we are ready to start, Keith gets pulled away to conduct necessary business with his constructions workers.
“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “will you get the ceremony started?”
I giggle as I realize that just two years ago, such a request would have freaked me out. But today, deep confidence radiates in my heart as I give all of the pre-announcements, lead the opening “toast”, discuss porch rules, and answer numerous questions about chocolate and the work that Keith does – doing so for much of the first half hour while we wait for Keith to return.
I cannot help but reflect back on the many chocolate ceremonies I led back in Utah, during the summer of 2011. I was quite frightened in most of them, but I followed my heart and had amazing experiences in each. I have grown so much since then.
A Burst Of Confidence
When Keith finally returns, he thanks me and jumps right into the “Glow Meditation.”
“Brenda, how are you feeling?” Keith then interrupts the silence, surprising me when the meditation is complete.
“My heart is open and I have a little pain along the rib cage,” I respond. “But I don’t think the pain is mine … I am only reading it.”
“Yeah,” Keith agrees, “but it is not very strong, is it?”
I love the little burst of confidence that this initial exchange of words gives to me.
This is the only communication Keith and I have during the remainder of the afternoon. I am amazed at how well I am now able to do my own work without assistance … and how confident I am in doing so.
An Opportunity To Vote
As Keith begins individual work with others, I note that the group is very quiet. Several people are on the edge of emotion, but most are not allowing themselves to go there, and not wanting assistance. I hold space early on, but soon decide that, given the quietness of others, I can go into my own personal journey rather than assisting others.
As I focus on me, I suddenly remember the dream I wrote about in “Turbulent Waters,” just yesterday. It was a dream of going to a different dimension in time and space, choosing my parents, and bringing them back with me.
“I want to make another attempt at connecting with my mother’s Higher Essence,” I ponder a new intuition.
I quickly note that more pains appear in my abdomen and third eye regions. Intuitions whisper that these are metaphors for more resistance to my mother’s love. As I imagine myself walking up an inner staircase, into my forehead, I suddenly feel anxiety in my solar plexus. The anxiousness and resistance then intensifies.
Following this flow of intuition and metaphors, I call another meeting in my inner conference room, inviting these resistance and fear / anxiety energies to join me. As usual, I reassure them that I am not going to force anything onto them, but I ask them to please get together for a vote. Each one can individually decide whether they want to receive a few drops of our mother’s Higher Essence love … just to check it out.
“Those of you who vote “no” can step aside, and you will not be affected by this process,” I reassure these inner energies. But it is time for you to allow the energies that do want this love to have an opportunity to receive it. You can watch and see what you think.”
A Mother’s Love
In this meditation, I sense that there are a large number of energies gathered. I make no attempt to number them, or to count the votes. I trust that each will take care of itself.
I then ask those that voted “yes,” to stand in the middle of the conference room and to ask for a drop of our mother’s Higher Essence love to enter them. As I feel the love of this magical experience, I soon try to visualize the woman from my dream – my mother as she was in the other dimension. It makes no logical sense, because she looks nothing like my physical mother, but I get the visual of a woman in her mid thirties, with short blonde hair.
I begin to imagine this woman hugging me. Immediately, tears fill my eyes, but I keep most of the tears on the inside. At this moment, I could easily burst into blubbering sobs.
Then, I imagine myself as a sixteen-year-old teenage boy – a young boy who hates himself – a young boy starving for external love and acceptance, especially from his mother.
With this visual, the sobs increasingly bubble inside, but I still only allow a small stream of physical tears to trickle. I feel the emotion, and do not need the external flow to process it.
I actually feel my mother’s deep love for me. For the first time in memory, I feel her genuine unconditional compassion and love – her pure acceptance of me in all of my teenage dysfunctional struggles.
Wow! I bask in this amazing and intense flow for the remainder of the ceremony. The profound love I feel is overwhelming.
A Faceless Love
Later, still in this energy, I find it difficult to continue visualizing the face of this once-vivid dream figure. Soon, I let the image go and imagine my mother as a non-threatening faceless orb of love, hovering in front of me, continuing to radiate Higher Essence mother’s love from my real mother’s Higher Self. I feel loving energy slowly, gently, magically settling into my heart, my high heart, and a little in my third eye.
I have no idea at this point what is going on with the rest of the porch. I am in my own little bubble of light.
Finally, at around 3:30 p.m., someone says something that triggers giggles and rational discussion. Keith jumps right into the conversation and literally derails the ceremony himself. At this point, I pay attention, but do not judge. For the next hour and a half, as silly conversations consume the porch, I continue to bask in this feeling of loving energy radiating from my mother’s Higher Essence. I do not care what is happening externally.
A Magically Inspired Gift
Around 4:30, as the porch continues in silly discussion – and as I continue with eyes closed in deep meditation – a woman who frequently crowds my feet begins to do just that, bumping into my feet. I will call her Tina.
As her wiggling jiggles my toes, I feel love for Tina, but some resistance at the same time. I don’t make the connection at first, but I suddenly realize that Tina’s “space invasion” subtly reminds me of how my mother would energetically crowd my space, and of how I repeatedly blocked her out of my life, pushing her away with a vengeance, desperately trying to protect my space from her.
I open my eyes and briefly make eye contact with Tina, radiating a glimmer of love in her direction.
As I close my eyes again, Tina suddenly begins the unexpected – gently caressing my feet while quietly beginning to sing a motherly song. As I imagine my own dear mother caressing my feet and singing to me, I sink deeper and deeper into emotion. My eyes are now gushing tears as I experience a very confusing mix of joy and sadness.
I feel myself as a child, and as a young boy, being held, caressed, and sung-to by my mother. I crave this love so much. I allow myself to receive it via Tina’s beautiful gesture (one that I know to be deeply and magically inspired).
I allow the love … I cherish the love … I melt into the love. Soon, Tina stands up and comes closer, touching my head and neck. The moment she touches my head, I lean into her and she holds me while continuing her soft singing.
I quietly sob with deep emotions – still swirling with a mix of joy and sadness. Occasionally a layer of dry heaving rages out, but mostly, I feel only the deep surges of joy and sorrow.
Clutching And Clinging
“Can I hug you?” Tina soon whispers in my ear.
“Yes, please,” I respond as I clutch her to my heart
I cling to her for what must be at least ten minutes before leg pains from an awkward sitting position force her to shift positions. As Tina continues to sit with me, I cannot seem to make eye contact with her. I crave that intimate connection with my “mother,” but I cannot find the courage to look into her eyes. As this happens, I remember that from as early as I can remember I always found it terrifying to stare into someone else’s eyes.
Soon, as Tina returns to sit by my feet, I do make loving eye contact with her for a few minutes before childhood regression finally causes me to close my eyes, once again. A short while later I open my eyes and am surprised to see that Steven is sitting in front of me. With Steven, I find it easy to share energy, and quickly lock gazes with him, imagining another two-way exchange of Higher Energies.
It feels quite strange, because while doing this I continue to imagine this as my mother’s love … but it works.
“Brenda,” Steven quietly shares, “I want to congratulate you on how open you are, how relaxed you are, and how much love you are allowing right now.”
Soon, Tina sits down again and I do manage to stare into her eyes for a while. I feel so much deep love right now – all of it coming in the name of my mother.
Beautiful Guidance
At around 5:30 p.m., as I continue this magical process, Keith begins talking to me, in what feels like the beginning of deep compliments. But three times he is interrupted by others and never finishes.
Finally, as the porch clears, with only Steven and Tina remaining to hold space for me, Keith is able to share his feedback. He points out how, once again, like most every ceremony as of late, I have beautifully gone deeper, consistently allowing in more love.
He then explains to me about what he is trying to say when he occasionally tells me that he cannot help me with my process.
“This is not because I don’t want to help,” Keith reassures me. “It is just that everyone does it differently, and must find the path themselves.”
“Part of your lesson here,” Keith teaches me, “is in me not being able to tell you how to do it so that you can build trust. By learning to find it yourself, you are learning to trust that as you work with others, they will also be able to find their own way.”
Keith explains that his teachers taught him this … that he can tell me that he did it himself … and that he can reassure me that I can do it … that there IS a way to do it … but that he cannot tell me how to do it or what to do to get there. This is my own unique individual journey.
“You are doing really well,” Keith grins at me.
He congratulates me for following my flow, listening to clues from my writing and dreams, paying attention to inner metaphors, and following my guidance to get to where I am today.
Permission To Cry
“Keith,” I then ask. “I am so confused. I feel so much joy right now … yet there is also so much sadness swirling around, mixed in with the joy. I feel like I want to just go home and curl up on my bed with my teddy bear and cry for hours in the love and sadness.”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me,” Keith responds with a glow. “I think you should do it.”
He then asks for Steven and Tina’s opinions and they both concur.
“It makes sense that there would be so much sadness,” Keith reassures me. “This love is what you always wanted, but didn’t have.”
“Yeah, I blocked it out,” I respond. “I couldn’t let in my mother’s love because it hurt, it fixed, it judged, and it shut me down. I craved it. But I wanted pure unconditional love and cuddling.
“I don’t remember ever having that after around age four,” I tell Keith. “I only remember deep inner resentment at how I perceived her love as invasive nagging. I built walls to protect myself. I used to think that I put up those walls around age ten because of trying to hide my gender struggles, but now I clearly see that I began building them before age five.”
As I walk home, I ponder that I have no memory (after age four) of ever genuinely hugging or cuddling with my mother … and I remember a couple of times when I had to share sleeping space in a hotel bed and I felt repulsed. I ponder how, when I spoke at her funeral a few years ago, I genuinely felt and talked about the pure unconditional love I feel for her, but I had struggled to find any loving fun memories from youth or childhood. I had no such memories to draw from.
“Now I understand,” I ponder the walls that I put up to keep her at bay.
Letting Sadness Go
As I arrive at home, I step directly into my bedroom, curl up with little Bobby-bear on my bed, and sink into the emotion that continues to flow.
“I miss you mommy,” I call out as I imagine her singing a song she often sung to me when I was quite small.
I even sing a few of the phrases that I can barely remember. Over the next twenty minutes or so I cry, I sob, I go through intense layers of dry heaving and coughing … and most of all, I feel a pure and genuine love caressing my heart.
But the sadness is all consuming – so much so that I do not want to let it go. Instead, I want to wallow in the sadness until the healing is complete. I think I have learned, throughout my life, that sadness was a way of letting go of pain, and that when not allowed to be sad, I pushed the pain down, feeling cheated. I had to be strong. I was not allowed to cry unless I had a good reason.
Finally, while still feeling this deep desire to wallow in the sadness, a touch of intuition guides me to try something different … a sort of experiment with emotional release on the easy bus.
“Light,” I speak aloud, addressing the Higher Energies. “I feel like I want this sadness and I do not want to let it go. But I DO want to let it go now, IF it is no longer necessary for me to feel it. I will leave it up to you. If I need to feel more of this sadness as part of my healing, please let it continue. But if it is no longer necessary, please transmute it now.”
To my delight, within seconds, I feel free of the sadness and I do not miss it at all. I do not feel cheated. In fact, I overflow with joy and feel much lighter.
Yet physical exhaustion is strong, and by 8:00 p.m. I am in bed, rapidly sinking into the world of dreams.
Floating In Energy
In the wee hours of Thursday morning, I wake up to the sound of dogs loudly barking below my window. I immediately go into a self-love meditation, but never fall back to sleep. Countless distracting energies flow throughout my body. Intuitions tell me these energies are good and healing, but they make no sense to my head. Instead, I just meditate on my pillow for five or six hours until 7:00 a.m. finally arrives.
I feel unusually starved. Rather than fixing my usual chocolate and papaya oatmeal, I crave mashed potatoes, so I boil some up and gobble them down before returning to bed with my alarm set to wake me for the ceremony. I am exhausted at 11:10 a.m. when I check my alarm and realize it did not go off – but I still have plenty of time.
Soon, I am setting up for the Thursday workgroup ceremony. We begin thirty minutes late and then the first hour is consumed by off-topic conversation.
“Why am I manifesting this?” I ponder in the depths of my mind.
But I really do not care, because I am floating in beautiful energy, not paying attention to the conversation anyway. I love how I can now just ignore such conversation while not allowing them to affect me at all (at least for today).
I note with delightful curiosity how the back of my head, from the bottom of my skull down to my neck – from ear to ear – is alive with openness and lightness, with energy vibrations that I have never before felt so profoundly in this area.
Almost immediately, ignoring what is going on around me, I focus on another eighth-chakra meditation.
Dancing Music
While in this meditation, I decide to explore opening my third eye. But the moment I do so, I feel resistance. Soon, I engage in my usual inner conference room meditation, asking all of the energies to join me for a loving pep talk to see what inner intuitions and physical metaphors might manifest.
As I play around in this meditation, I feel pains come and go. I know something is shifting as I simply focus on lovingly following threads of guidance – doing so with no attachment and with pure patience.
While still on the metaphorical steps of my eight-chakra temple of light, I imagine my mother’s Higher Essence – this time feeling guided to see her as a faceless energy. I had overheard Keith tell someone that doing so often helps keep the mind from getting in the way. I want to pick up from where I left off yesterday. The energy I feel is nice, but not especially deep.
To my delight, Keith soon guides an actual group meditation into the eighth chakra – doing so for the third time this week. As I follow along with the group meditation, I find myself actually able to imagine walking into that temple of light. I find it easier and less threatening to enter when I just imagine beautiful Higher Friends who want to share love and support, with none of them presently having faces to distract my mind.
Very soon, somewhere nearby, I overhear loud dance music playing at a neighborhood home.
“Dance and sway with the music,” Inner intuitions giggle loudly.
Scripts Well Played
As I silently laugh inside while imagining these Higher Friends getting a groove on, I suddenly have a party scene buzzing in my head. Normally, I abhor parties. I have never felt comfortable in large groups of people, especially around people I do not know well. Invariably, old social fears have caused me to isolate and feel totally stupid and alone.
But in this meditation, I just giggle as all the magical Higher Beings take turns dancing with me. I experience a sensation of being showered with pure love – with pure tear-filled joyful love. It radiates into my heart, throughout my body. It is profoundly joyful … but just as yesterday, it also comes with a strange mix of deep sadness swirling around.
As with last night, I ask the light to transmute the sadness, and seconds later, I return to basking in the joyful love on the dance floor. There is no more sadness, just radiating love.
Soon, I begin to imagine the Higher Essences of many other people I know – asking them to join me in the party temple. First, I imagine each of my perceived betrayers from various events in my life. I feel myself giggling and laughing with them, as we dance with silly jerky moves while congratulating each other for a script well played.
Then I bring in friends – friends with whom there is profound, happy, celebration.
Wow, I feel SO MUCH LOVE in this room. I giggle and glow in this profound meditation, radiating with this love for several hours.
Blowing Love Bubbles
Later, as I overhear Keith work with someone who is trying to connect the energy flow from their head to their heart, I recognize that I have this flow going quite beautifully at this moment. Then I notice that I still have a block in my solar plexus, and that little, if any of this love is making it to my lower chakras.
I begin to imagine blowing small bubbles of love from my heart, sending those love bubbles downward toward the blockages below. I am sending actual love – love that I feel to the core – down to areas of my body that I suddenly realize I have actually hated for most of my life.
I send love to sexuality … to creativity … and to power, doing so over and over. I keep it small and safe, not trying to overwhelm myself. I soon feel small sensations of healing begin to vibrate here and there in my belly. I make no attempt to manipulate or control, and simply express meditative intention to send as much love as possible with no attachment whatsoever to whether any of it can be received.
Soon, I call in metaphorical angels – angels with buckets – telling them to have fun scooping up some of that love and pouring it wherever it is needed. As I do so, I feel many prickly vibrations throughout random areas of my abdomen, definitely telling me that something real is happening.
Alive And Glowing
As this beautiful ceremony concludes, I really have no idea what took place elsewhere on the porch. After I briefly share some of my journey with Keith, another woman approaches me to tell me I am glowing.
“In fact,” she adds, “you were already glowing even before the ceremony started.”
“You are ready for the Higher Love,” Keith then shares, “and you are doing it.”
When I finally arrive at home, I continue to glow, even though I am physically drained from several nights of short, broken sleep. But I do not care about the sleep all that much. I am alive and glowing with giggling excitement about all of the amazing experiences I have had in the last few days.
Brenda’s Got The Mojo
As this final day of January 2013 enters the history books, I bask in the memories of another magical four days.
I have been healing childhood wounds for a very long time. Each healed wound has restored childhood memories and understanding as to what really did happen to me while growing up in a loving, happy, religious family with caring and devoted parents. As I have engaged in profound inner discovery and healing, many of those wounds were left open and raw, leaving me wondering how I would ever return to deeply feeling my mother’s love – a love I now realize that, for a number of different reasons, I never really felt (or allowed myself to feel) in an unconditional way.
This week I finally began the beautiful healing process. It started with releasing parts of my mother’s energy – parts of her guidance system that have been living in me – parts lovingly released using the giggling assistance of angelic social workers. Then I initiated a process of asking my own energies (the ones that belong in the spaces now left empty) to return to their home inside of me.
I absolutely love how mystical “Heart Magic” experiences (just two years ago on Valentines Day 2011) so profoundly parallel the process of releasing loving energies and then further opening my magical heart to new levels I have never before experienced. And I also love the deep trust and confidence that I am now developing in working with these energies.
And who could forget more magical experiences of sharing deep, intimate, eye-piercing, unconditional loving energies with both Steven and others. Each experience continues to boggle the mind and open new healing possibilities.
It has been a magical four days of love – a magical reconnection with the Higher Essence of my mother’s pure unconditional love – love that I have craved – love that I clung to when I finally felt its presence – love that I know is just beginning to fill me.
But perhaps the memory I will never forget is sixteen people giggling as they chant to me in playful childhood voices, “Brenda’s got the mojo … Brenda’s got the truth … Brenda’s got the magic … Brenda’s got the heart.”
As I write these words, my eyes swell up with tears – joyful tears and giggling tears – but tears and giggles that also bring up yet another profound layer of emotional release.
And the process goes on.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved