Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled “Turbulent Waters.”
On this beautiful morning, I awaken in a magical meditative energy. I am still surfing the wave of light after having struggled to maintain my footing in those turbulent waters, just two short days ago. After basking in delightful energies, I crawl out of bed and spend the morning watching a movie before then viewing another Abraham video. When I finally walk toward Keith’s home on this Thursday, January 10, 2013 morning, I overflow with beautiful vibrations – experiencing energies throughout my body, some known, some for the first time. I am especially cognizant of the fact that I am beginning to connect with the Divine Feminine energies from Mother Earth, both in my feet, legs, and lower abdominal areas.
As I step up onto Keith’s porch, my friend Steven is just leaving.
“Wow,” Steven shares with a huge grin. “You’re in nice energy today. You have grown so much in the last two weeks since I have known you.”
“Thanks,” I giggle back. “I haven’t felt this good in a long time.”
The Edge Of A Cliff
Compared to recent times, the work-group ceremony today is relatively small, with only twenty-three people at its peak. Our friendly neighborhood psychic vampire happens to be present today. I learn a great deal as I observe Keith work with her in a loving and patient way. In the middle of talking to her, Keith shifts and explains to the whole porch about the God drama.
“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “would you like to share your experiences with dancing in that energy?”
I am caught off guard, but am delighted to share some of my own precarious path. I give several examples of my agonizing journey with playing out deep projections onto Keith while struggling to understand my own feelings of betrayal with Deity.
“I felt at times like I was hanging over the edge of a cliff, dangling from a branch, on the brink of falling,” I share a metaphor that pops into my mind.
“No,” Keith responds confidently, “you were not that far into ego.”
But several times I feel as if I have been very close to going over the edge, to saying eff-it all and just walking away. I finish my participation by sharing more examples of my dance with deep betrayal and refusal to cooperate with Higher Energies.
Keith then turns back to the woman who is a psychic vampire, getting bluntly honest with her, explaining that she is at a major decision point – one of making a new choice to work with the light, or continuing her present direction where she will manifest intense drama, rejection, and loneliness for the rest of her life.
The woman again laughs it off, telling Keith that he is just projecting onto her, refusing to own any of Keith’s words as being valid. Keith gently allows her to remain in denial, lovingly backing away without pushing.
Surrendering To The Flow
From this point on, I sense a deep stuckness in the entire group. In my own projected reality, I believe that this woman’s energy is influencing the group. At first, I let my own inner judgments and chatter run wild, silently blaming her for the group disconnect.
Keith permits the group to be exactly what it is, and allows large blocks of meditative silence to go uninterrupted. He offers assistance, but few people speak up.
It seems that I have an attachment to “needing” the group to be engaged and actively doing their own work. Finally, I give up this silly notion and realize that all of this is my own creation.
Eventually, I put my “space holding” on autopilot, and decide to disengage from attachments to what happens on the outside, instead beginning to follow my own metaphors. I imagine all of this stuckness and denial as being inside of me. In fact, the psychic vampire still profoundly triggers “mother” psychic-surgery emotions in me.
Since I have been working with opening to Mother Earth energies, and since I am obviously working with deep stuckness and denial energies, I get the intuitive feeling that my job today is to bring in more of a loving connection with my mother’s Higher Self, and maybe even her personality self. I feel close to actually being able to do this.
Sending Love
But before I get to this point, Keith guides the group in a few upgrade processes. In the midst of this, I again imagine myself in an elevator, going up a level, still only having the courage to open the door just a tiny crack at the higher level. As I imagine the white light on the other side, barely radiating through a tiny slit in the door, I realize that my mother’s energies are also behind that door.
Rather than trying to receive love from the other side of that door, I instead feel guided to raise my own vibrations, to radiate as much light as I can, sending love through the crack to my mother on the other side. I visualize this as happening in tiny bursts as the door barely opens and then closes, over and over again. Meanwhile, I invite my Fabulous Four, and my grandchildren armed with love-filled squirt guns to assist me. I am literally overflowing with pressurized love as I stand in that elevator while imagining that love finding its way through the door to my mother.
To my shock, as I visualize this beautiful scenario, my heart begins to cramp with pain.
Eventually, I speak up and ask Keith about what I am doing.
“What you are missing,” Keith explains to me, “is that sending love to your mother is like admitting that you are wrong.”
“Yeah,” I respond with clarity regarding my God drama. “Now that you say that, my heart really does feel like my best friend betrayed me only yesterday, and today I am trying to send her love without first receiving an apology from her for what she did to me. This part of me says “Hell no, I will not send love to her until she admits what she did.””
Kicked In The Gut
I continue in this meditation, observing myself, exploring this insane inner demand that I will not lower my walls until an apology is received.
Meanwhile, Keith is now working with the woman directly to my left. At the beginning of the ceremony, I had plenty of space, but this woman has repeatedly crowded me, making it so that I am now extremely squished, no longer having any room to cross my legs. To make matters even more uncomfortable, three women on the porch have decided to lie down, each stuffing their feet into my space. I am like a packed sardine on a porch where there is actually abundant free space in other areas.
“Why do I continue to manifest this?” I ponder the confusing external metaphor. “I feel cornered by this inconsiderate and invading feminine energy.”
In the meantime, I literally feel as if I was kicked in the gut. My stomach hurts and feels deflated, I am out of breath, and have no energy. I initially wonder if I have allowed my psychic vampire friend across the porch to suck me dry, but as I follow inner guidance, I recognize something quite different.
“I literally feel as if my mother psychically kicked me in the gut with her invasive, cornering energy, not giving me space to breathe in my own energy.” I ponder with clarity.
I deeply resent the crowding of my space, but continue to ignore it, recognizing it as being part of my process. It is only later when I realize that by energetically resenting the crowding, that I am actually reenergizing it, actually re-manifesting more invasion of my space in the future
An Overwhelming Invasion
Finally, I speak up and ask Keith for guidance and insight regarding why I continue to manifest people invading my space, even when there is plenty of room elsewhere.
“This is about love and relationships,” Keith shares after checking his own guidance.
I take these words deeper into meditation, and finally realize that this is all a profound external metaphor for how I have love hooked as being equivalent to having my power stolen, trampled, invaded, squished, and kicked in the gut … hooked to leaving me no space to breathe in my own skin.
Suddenly, I remember an experience last year where Keith had asked me to trust him. He then guided me to bring in a Higher Being that was going to show me something. Almost immediately, I had felt an extremely sharp kick in my gut, nearly knocking my wind out. I remember having looked up with shock, as I realized no physical being had touched me.
Keith had then shared that this is what my mother’s love had felt like when I was a tiny magical child, helping me understand how I see love as disempowering and painful – how my mother’s conditioning had energetically punched me in the gut.
“Wow,” I ponder with surprise, “I really do have love hooked with an overwhelming invasion of my personal power and space.”
“No wonder I am still so deeply entrenched in my God drama resistance!”
Positive Feedback
After these insights finish coming together, I open my eyes and explain my profound new understanding. Keith quickly congratulates me.
“Can I give you some feedback?” another man quickly interrupts.
Immediately, based on past experience, I am expecting some type of fixing rational-mind comment that I will need to politely listen to and then promptly place on the shelf.
“Sure,” I respond with a loving smile.
“Normally, when someone talks like you are doing today, I judge their victimization energy, etc…,” The man begins his sharing. “But with me today, as I listened to you, I found myself feeling deep love and compassion, and it really helped me with a spot in my upper left chest (the feminine side) that always hurts when I judge.”
“In fact,” the man continues, “when I felt that love and compassion for you, that pain suddenly dissolved.”
“See Brenda,” Keith interrupts. “See how you used to get negative feedback from others … and now your new energy is manifesting beautiful and positive results and feedback.”
Manifesting Stuckness And Denial
I feel quite genuinely proud of myself as I remain meditative and quiet for the remainder of the ceremony. Others continue to sleep on the floor with their feet in my face. The psychic vampire continues her stiff denial, especially when she again cries with a wrinkled up face, but then insists she is feeling profound joy. And I continue to be baffled by what I observe as the stuckness of others – by things that would have driven me crazy with judgments, just a year ago.
But instead of judging, I continue to focus only on finding Higher Energy vibrations, not giving any power to outside events – none whatsoever. I briefly remember Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” reminding myself that I can find joy, and Higher Vibrations in any setting, even if I were digging trenches in a Nazi concentration camp.
As I later walk home, I remain in a very nice energy – but it is kind of weird and funky at the same time. Inner resistance churns away in the background. I compassionately listen to the chattering voices, but refuse to entertain or validate these uninvited rational-mind guests. I simply trust my flow, giggling as I realize that I manifest the perfect ceremony today as a way to more deeply explore my own stuckness and denial.
This Is Mine
Friday, January 11, 2013, begins as any other day – a morning of movies and Abraham videos, setting up a chocolate ceremony at noon, and having a huge group of almost fifty people. I giggle silently as I practice the emotion of having and enjoying adequate legroom when I need it. The results are beautiful. Yes, I do get occasionally squished, but literally every time that I want to stretch my legs out, someone unknowingly moves to make room for me.
It begins as any other normal ceremony – one where I hold space. I experience a great deal of solar plexus pain, but recognize that my heart is open. I am unattached to the pain, but intuitions also tell me that it is MY pain, not just something I am reading from others.
“This is mine, isn’t it?” I whisper to Keith when he momentarily glances at me.
“Yes,” he nods back at me.
I clearly recognize that more God drama pain is surfacing in my abdomen. I have no idea what to do with it, but rather than trying to figure anything out, I simply trust and surrender.
No Strings Attached
About halfway through the ceremony, after a beautiful empath training, Steven finishes up some of his own inner work and suddenly feels guided to look at me. When I intuitively glance up, I follow my own guidance, locking eyes with this magical young man.
I barely blink for what must be at least an hour and a half. I see God in this young man’s eyes – nothing but pure innocence and trust.
“If I can bring in light from any source, it would be him,” I ponder with confidence. “He has my genuine trust.”
“Yet I am still blocked,” I ponder the dilemma.
I feel Steven’s genuine compassion for my stuck place, for the walls that continue to block my heart. I sense his absolute lack of judgment. I can tell that he has an entire buffet filled with unconditional Divine love and trust. I experience this deep trust for a very long time, still not capable of dropping my walls. In fact, I have no idea how to do so. One thing is certain, however. The love I feel is pure, divine, unattached, genuine, caring, compassionate, and giving, with no strings attached.
A Way Out
I stare into Steven’s eyes for a very long time, simply enjoying the heart connection. Finally, I decide to experiment with my wall, wondering if perhaps I can use some of this pure love to help me let go of something. I begin to imagine the betrayal and anger that are still blocking me. I visualize myself diving down into my swamp, taking this love with me, allowing the love to transmute and soften my barricades, just a little.
Still not feeling any emotion, I imagine a dear friend with whom I had felt deeply betrayed perhaps a decade ago. As I do so, I get quite teary-eyed and begin to sniffle, all while never breaking eye contact.
Finally, Steven moves to a free space right in front of me. Sitting face to face, he begins to occasionally coach me with kind encouraging words. He is deeply intuitive and energetically sensitive, and he uses his skills to tell me when I am open and when I am blocked. Through frequent, compassionate feedback, he helps me to understand, that when I “try to receive” is actually the time when I shut down and block … and when I simply relax and do nothing is when my heart begins to reopen.
As I listen and respond to Steven’s coaching, I begin to feel heart expansion and energy movement. Deep emotions that flow through me tell me that I am releasing a huge layer of my blockage – and I clearly feel a considerable part of me simultaneously fighting this wall-crumbling process.
Tears continue to stream down my cheeks, but I never break eye contact. I have no idea what is going on elsewhere on the porch, other than the fact that I hear Keith guiding a woman into her personal nightmare and then having the group assist her by energetically walking to where she is, and showing her that there is a way out if she wants to follow.
In my own beautiful way, I realize that I too am facing my worst nightmare. I finally understand how frightening it is to embrace the light shadow, to move into my power, to let go of my walls and resistance. As the rest of the group assists someone else, I allow Steven’s glowing eyes to help me trust that I too can begin to find my own way out of a nightmare – a nightmare of isolation from Source.
Closing The Doors
Suddenly, I overhear Keith as he asks the entire group to focus on what I am doing, asking them to all assist in my process as Steven works with me.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts, “I want you to make eye contact with her (the woman the rest of the group was helping).”
I stare into her glowing, compassionate, radiating eyes as Keith proceeds to explain to the group how I am a massively strong emotional ground at a group level. He tells the others that I have so much dense emotional blockage in me that some people have even told him that they do not want to come to the porch when they have to feel my pain.
“Brenda,” Keith then guides, “Look at him …”
One by one, Keith has me stare into the eyes of five or six others on the porch who are also powerful group emotional grounds. I cry deeply when I lock eyes with one man.
“Brenda,” Keith coaches, “I want you to close your cesspool door for now, just to see what happens.”
Keith is referring to a metaphorical door through which I unknowingly inhale the dense emotional energies of others.
“There,” he guides me a few minutes later, “your door is now closed. You are no longer taking in the energies of others, and you can just focus on you for the first time in a long time.”
When I again glance back at that one man’s eyes, I briefly sob and dry-heave for several minutes as I realize how much I have still felt subconsciously obligated to carry the weight of the world … and just how frightening it is to let that belief go.
Changed Forever
For a very long time, Keith continues to guide me one by one to look into the eyes of every person on the porch.
Finally, I begin to giggle and cry at the same time. I have managed to do this a couple of times in privacy, but before today, I have never (other than perhaps a few brief moments) been able to laugh out loud on the porch, ever.
As I gradually stare into one set of eyes after another, I see and feel pure compassion and love, radiating from each and every person on the porch. It is one of the most magical and loving sensations I have ever felt. I have rarely felt so deeply loved in my life. I also sense the presence of my “Higher circle of friends” too. It is pure, radiating love.
I clearly know that I continue to block a great deal of Higher Love … but I am feeling so much love that I have nothing but pure trust and surrender, telling me that more is on the way. This experience is life changing. I absolutely know in my heart that I will never be the same.
Bien Linda
As 5:30 p.m. arrives, I reluctantly stand up and hug everyone before running home for a quick dinner. We are bagging chocolate tonight, and I am starved. I am alive with radiance as I hurry home and gobble down some quick nourishment.
As I stroll back toward Keith’s home, the sun is down and twilight has set in. I note with interest as a local police SUV approaches from the distance. Well into my fourth year of travel, I have only been approached by a police officer one other time – a time when I was writing in the central plaza of Cozumel – a time when several officers walked up with a smile and asked me if I knew what the initials S.W.A.T. stood for.
I giggle as the Pickup with a shell stops beside me, and the officer rolls his window down. Inside are two young uniformed officers, perhaps in their late twenties. We proceed to have a conversation, all in Spanish.
“Where are you going?” the driver asks me.
“I am going to Keith’s house,” I respond with a smile.
“Are you going to buy some chocolate?” the officer continues his small talk.
“No, I am going to help put chocolate in bags,” I giggle back.
“Oh, where do you do that?” the officer continues his seemingly random questioning.
“At Keith’s house,” I respond again.
“Is there some problem?” I ask with curiosity.
“No,” the officer speaks with a cute grin. “I just wanted to say hi to you. You are really pretty.” (Bien Linda in Spanish.)
I giggle all the way to Keith’s porch after thanking the officer. He does not understand, but I do. Something has energetically shifted in me, shifting so much that my energy attracted this cute young man to stop and make small talk with me, just to be friendly. He is feeling my light and glowing energy, and responding to it in a physical way.
I am alive and feel like a giggly child, fifty pounds lighter. I thoroughly enjoy bagging chocolate tonight. Even though I am physically exhausted, I am content and joyful.
Parting Comments
At nearly 11:00 p.m., as I finally rest on my pillow, I contemplate the experience today with Steven. Out of all the people with whom I have worked energetically, Steven is only one of many who was deeply magical, energy-sensitive, and capable of bringing in massive amounts of light. But he is the first ever from whom I was able to sense the pure, unconditional love, with no judgment, with no attempt to fix or push, and no impatience with my stuckness … just pure compassion for right where I was at.
I clearly realize that this does not mean that Keith and others have not offered me such assistance – only that I have never before been able to feel it and to receive it from them. I am finally in a place where I can surrender and allow, letting myself receive some of that Higher Love.
Today, for the first time ever, I kept my head completely out of the way and just allowed myself to feel without interpretation, knowing that the energies were doing something magical, but not needing to understand.
While drifting to sleep, I ponder several beautiful comments from Keith and others. As I left Keith’s porch for the second time late tonight, Keith had checked in with me to make sure I felt the pure compassion from everyone on the porch earlier this evening. Another friend had told me that every time she sees me, she is impressed by how well I am doing. And another young man (one that I barely know) had approached me tonight, out of the blue, to tell me how massively I have helped him. I do not remember even working with him … perhaps I had only helped him from afar.
“Wow,” I giggle on my pillow,” my new energy really is changing me in beautiful ways, while manifesting a new, fun, happy reality.”
Unexpected Fun
Saturday, after spending a beautiful and energizing day writing “The Fabulous Four,” I experience another magical result of my new energy shift.
Within minutes of publishing that blog entry, just as I stand up to wash dishes and soak a new pot of beans to be cooked tomorrow, a woman walks up my steps, looking for my neighbor who is not at home. I have seen this woman several times on Keith’s porch, but have never talked to her, and do not even know her name.
Following a hunch, I walk to my door to say “hi” … even opening the metal gate to step out onto my patio, giving her a quick hug.
“What happened to you?” She immediately speaks with surprise. “You literally look ten years younger, even like a teenager. You have a new, lighter, and giggly feel about you.”
I quickly fill her in regarding what happened yesterday. To make a long story short, we talk for a few minutes, and she asks if I want to sit and chat over a bottle of wine that she just happens to have with her.
“I am not much of a wine drinker,” I respond, before following guidance to accept her offer.
We talk and talk, sipping wine and sharing stories for more than two hours. We have a magical friendship connection, energetically resonating in many ways.
“What a fun social evening,” I giggle as I finally turn off the lights. “And it all just happened as part of the magical flow. I didn’t need to do anything other than be present.”
I love the new friendships that are happening, all by themselves.
Facing Inner Resistance
Sunday morning, I wake up exhausted from all of the energy that has been flowing through my body, keeping me from sleeping soundly. After a couple of beautiful reconnecting Skype calls to two friends back home, I show up on Keith’s magical porch, wondering what will happen next.
In this large group of twenty-nine people, I realize early on that I am feeling the energies more strongly than I remember ever feeling them. At times, I recognize when I am reading the emotions of others, but before long, I recognize that I am shutting down inside.
More love equates to more fear – more panic that having my heart open is going to cause me to consume more emotional garbage from others.
I begin to focus on these inner resistance energies – not trying to fix them, but instead trying to get to know them … trying to send them love. My inner journey becomes quite intense.
“Keith,” I beg for guidance a while later. “I get the feeling that I am eating garbage today because I brought in more light.”
“You are right Brenda,” Keith quickly responds. “But I am guided to tell you that you should not try to shut it down.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “I am trying to work with it metaphorically, observing with trust and surrender.”
A Resistance Speech
Soon, I follow intuitions telling me to invite all of my protection energies – those energies still fearful of further opening and eating emotional garbage – to join me in a metaphorical theatre. I trust that the room will be large enough to accommodate whoever shows up.
As I imagine myself standing on the stage, I humbly greet all of these energetic parts of my self.
“I am so sorry for how I have hated you my whole life,” I share emotions. “I have projected onto you, and projected your pain onto others. I have resented you, judged you, fought with you, and tried to fix you.”
“Would you please just consider the possibility of letting go of your anger and betrayal,” I ask with trust. “I know it is frightening to let go of our God drama ammunition, but it really is our own self-poison when we keep it inside.”
I then ask all of these energies to watch a movie of our process, one presented by our Higher Self. I remind them that we are in a beautiful healing process and talk about the magical opening we had on Friday.
“I know some of you are still deeply afraid,” I reassure these inner energies. “I will not push, coerce, or judge. Just please, if you feel motivated, please have a chat with our Higher Self, and consider the possibility of a new job. Rather than having to resist Higher Energies, you can take on a job that will be fun and give you more peace.”
After imagining this process inside of me, I step back and just hold a powerful space on the inside. I experience many energy vibrations throughout my entire abdomen during this magical process. Energy moves around as physical twitches randomly poke me. I simply observe, not trying to interpret with mind. I need neither control nor understanding. Soon, the experience expands to intense churning and migrating pains. I simply observe with love.
Ignoring Logic
As this meditation continues, I put it on autopilot as Keith leads the group in another meditation – one involving a great deal of other-dimensional energy moving through us over a thirty-six hour period. I will not go into the details of this meditation, other than to share that it is quite intense. I feel a great deal of increased anxious “popcorn popping” in my abdomen.
Rational mind ridicules this meditation as silly and childish. I simply ignore the logical world and embrace the imagination. Somewhere inside, at a level quiet foreign to logic, I know that something very real is taking place inside my energy field.
New Insights
Early Monday morning, as I further ponder my journey with God drama, I realize that one of the reasons I have refused to let go of my hooks and betrayal loop in the past is that I have tried so many times before. Each time I tried, I failed, leaving me more emotionally devastated.
“I would rather just keep that stuff locked away and hidden so I can be safe,” I ponder the fears surfacing inside. “But wow, this time is different. I understand WHY I have manifested all of this pain … and I truly believe I CAN stop. I can do it simply by raising my vibrations, and bringing in the Higher Love that I crave.”
I take this meditative understanding to the Monday afternoon workgroup session. Thirty-three people squeeze onto the porch in what is normally a smaller gathering.
Stories Galore
Inner ego goes into wild chatter mode as Keith spends the first several hours of the ceremony conducting an empath training and then giving a firm group-level lecture about “storytelling” and how we should not embrace the stories of others. This conversation turns into a deep head-level discussion where people try to debate Keith’s words. After several hours have passed, my own inner storyteller is quite annoyed, insisting that I am just wasting my time, demanding that I should get up and leave this stupid ceremony.
“I came here to do inner work,” the ego voice whines. “But Keith just seems to be allowing all this crazy rational mind chatter, doing nothing to stop it, even actually encouraging and feeding into it.”
Finally, as my energy is plummeting, I pull this debate inside and personally own that all of this has been my creation, yet again.
“I am here today to learn how to remain in a high vibration, even when others are lost in rational mind stories and debate.” I ponder with a giggle. “I can be present and participate in this ceremony without giving away my power and energy … without losing my newfound Higher Energy connection.”
I giggle as I realize how I have been judging and projecting all over Keith for the way he is running the ceremony today … and how I now see it all as exactly what I needed to show me how I surrender my self and my power in lower vibrations.
As I focus my heart in reconnecting with a radiating glow, I am quite successful, but the inner head chatter is intense and rebellious. I repeatedly cycle back and forth, in between feeling quite balanced and powerful, and feeling on the edge of losing all of my power.
An Inner Hug Fest
Finally, as Keith guides the inner work of three or four others, I find myself distracted and unable to concentrate or follow along. I soon realize that my journey today is also with this distraction and resistance energy. I close my eyes and return to that metaphorical inner theater, inviting all of my distraction and resistance energies to join me there.
I find the theater filled with angry parts of my self. They all feel victimized and justified in their rebellion – all quite angry with me, and with God.
I soon overhear Keith working with someone dealing with distorted masculine energies from a past life. I relate deeply, realizing that I still feel hatred toward my teenage boy – hatred and judgment that surfaces every time I try to visualize him with love.
I work with this energy in the most loving way I know how, but feel helpless, not making any perceivable progress. An “I am a loser” hook dangles in front of me, demanding that I am a failure for not being able to resolve this pain. I just smile and ignore the hook – but remain somewhat lost.
“Ask it if it needs a hug,” I overhear Keith tell someone else in a totally unrelated process.
Immediately, I ask all of my inner energies if they need a hug. I visualize a scene where all of those resistance energies in my theater stand up, forming a line, waiting for my hugs. As I imagine those first few hugs with alienated parts of my self, I become deeply emotional and overwhelmed by the sadness and the joy of reconnecting.
With each visualized hug, I imagine myself wrapping my arms around a long lost friend, letting go of resentment and judgment, finally making up.
I struggle not to sob and lose myself in the sadness … letting myself feel it, but focusing on inviting Higher Energies to transmute it. I clearly recognize that the emotion I feel is not MY sobbing … it is the sobbing of these inner energies. I imagine myself as the empath, holding a Higher Vibrational space, allowing them to release their pain through me. Eventually, when the process draws to conclusion, I feel much lighter inside.
New Homework
Just before the ceremony ends, I watch as another woman works with a “wall of hopelessness” that keeps her from believing that change and healing are possible. I watch as she makes what seems to be great progress on her part.
To my surprise, a new round of inner chatter rises out of nowhere and tries to remind me what a loser I am. I clearly recognize that I am in touch with yet another layer of God drama resistance that absolutely refuses to give up the anger and betrayal. This part of me knows it is his duty to hold this putrid ammunition until an apology is received.
As I later thank Keith before going home, he asks how my day was.
“Really good, but intense and crazy,” I respond with a confusing grin. “I am in touch with another layer of God drama … angry parts of myself that refuse to let go. I am just trying to maintain Higher Vibrations and to observe and learn about myself.”
“Brenda,” Keith suggests. “What if this craziness is your way of remaining safe? This is your homework …”
“Yeah, I agree,” I respond. “I have been watching that inner chatter all afternoon. It is trying to keep me from connecting … trying to distract me … trying to keep me in anger and betrayal.”
I see the craziness and the same old games it plays with me. I remember all of the times last year where Keith helped me to understand that one of the primary tools that this part of me uses is to take me to a state of inner chaos, confusion, and craziness – leaving me in a puddle of hopelessness so that I will just give up.
I am quite aware of this pattern. I refuse to allow it to suck me in any more.
Manifesting What We Judge
As I walk toward home, I also realize that this craziness is my defense against that even scarier stuff – keeping me disconnected from the light shadow, from the magic of who I am.
I am delighted as I encounter Steven on my way home. We have a short chat where he describes how our shared experience on Friday had deeply blessed him as well. He again reminds me that I shut my heart down each time that I “consciously try” to open to more light and love.
Later Monday evening, I assist with bagging another three hundred pounds of chocolate – the second time in three days.
When I return home for the second time, I find a short Facebook quote from Matt Kahn, of “Sacred Heart Wisdom from Matt Kahn.” I love the quote. It reads.
“We manifest what we judge until we no longer judge what we manifest.”
These words are so simple, yet so true … and it is exactly what I am working on right now. I realize as I prepare for bed, that right now, I am judging rational mind storytelling. I know this because inner stories are demanding my attention right now … again trying to criticize Keith and others for creating and/or allowing such a crazy, rational-minded ceremony today.
It takes me a while, but I finally realize that I am the rational-minded storyteller – that all of these inner stories are what is keeping me from remaining connected to Higher Energies.
“Wow,” I ponder, “I am judging storytelling, by telling my own stories. I need to stop judging it, and simply stop reacting to it in any way, including on the inside. It is only then that I will stop manifesting this incessant internal storytelling.”
“I had countless opportunities today to feel abandoned and betrayed.” I ponder with a giggle. “Again, I felt them, but I DID NOT take the bait. I managed to keep my high vibration in spite of the perceived craziness. In the past, I would have repeatedly succumbed to such perceptions.”
“I am proud of myself,” I grin in the mirror. “This experience was quite profound, in spite of what ego wants to say about it. All of that inner chatter is ego.”
“And the craziness actually protects me from both,” I ponder my homework. “It keeps me dysfunctional so I won’t get further lost in ego, and it keeps me away from the scary light – from the magical stuff that got me in trouble in the first place.
Inner Stories
With beautiful synchronous timing, I spend Tuesday writing a blog that applies profoundly to where I am at in this instant – one titled “Finding Compassion.” When I finish, I am more aware than ever that the ceremony yesterday – and the message of “not doing stories” – was all magically designed for me.
“I will no longer do INNER stories,” I ponder how Keith had told us not to validate the stories of others. “Every time I have listened to them in the past, I allow them to drag me down.”
I can only giggle on Wednesday morning, as I immediately catch myself caught up in inner stories. The new noisy neighbors have done laundry, and not only have they hung a few of their clothes in my personal space, they have also used my rope on their side of the porch.
“Why do I still feel so upset when people do such things?” I ponder with shock.
Inner stories are raging, and lower vibrations try to suck me dry. Even though I find myself in a very good energetic space, the stories tug and pull … confuse and taunt.
Banned Teddy Bears
As I sit on Keith’s porch for the Wednesday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I remain in a slightly annoyed, lower-vibration energy. I am trying to be present and to hold space for others, but am consumed by an attack of distraction energy. It is not overwhelming, and I am not buying into it, but the inner chattering is distracting just the same.
As Keith shares a few porch rules with newcomers, he finishes his words with a new rule.
“All teddy bears are hear-by banned from the porch,” Keith announces with a serious voice.
The porch breaks out in giggles, as do I. This is exactly what I needed to pull me back to a Higher Energy. I squeeze little Bobby Bear, holding him tightly to my heart, reassuring him that Keith was just teasing.
Clinging To The Edge
I do not remember how it happens, but about halfway through the ceremony, something in my work unexpectedly causes me to connect with a deep burst of Sharon’s anger (my little inner female child).
The anger is so strong and overwhelming, that just in the act of connecting with it, I am beginning to sink into that betrayal loop. I want to sob. I want to be rebellious.
“Keith,” I beg for guidance. “Can you give me any advice on how to work with this?”
“Use the light,” Keith shares.
I smile inside, because I know that I need to do this with the light … and I know that Keith knows that this is an inner journey that no one else can make for me. I must do it myself, holding hands with Higher Love.
For the last six weeks, I have participated in ceremonies on Keith’s porch, while strategically refusing to dive down into my betrayal swamp. I absolutely knew that I was not ready to go deeper into that pain because I WOULD get lost in it. Both Keith and I had agreed that this was true. During this time, I have frequently imagined myself on a wooden platform, just above those murky betrayal waters, observing them, touching them, feeling their slimy surface. But rather than dive in, I have instead focused on love and Higher Vibrations – focusing on first establishing a magical connection with the light.
Today, I sit clinging to the edge of that platform with my feet dangling into the putrid waters. I feel myself being sucked toward the depths below. I am terrified to let go – frightened that I will fail.
The Easy Bus – Finally
Finally, after a half hour of platform sitting, I build enough trust to give myself permission to go down there. I know that I have been bringing in a lot of Higher Love and Light lately … and that there was never a better time than now to test the waters again.
After surrendering to the emotions, allowing myself to go to the depths with confidence, I sob and dry heave energy for about twenty seconds. To my delight, I then find the courage and trust to ask the light to help me. As I meditate in loving energy, ignoring doubt and fear, the putrid emotion suddenly vanishes – just as it did on that agonizing suicidal day, just over six months ago.
I now feel so peaceful, and have so much confidence, that I immediately trust another layer of painful emotion as soon as it presents itself. For the next several minutes, I allow myself to go to the bottom of many such layers, each time finishing when the light quickly transmutes it in magical ways.
Keith eventually looks at me and comments on my nice energy. After thanking him, I share what I just experienced, and then bring up a new question – one that repeatedly manifests, even today.
Personal Space – Personal Needs
“I am trying to figure out why I keep setting myself to be physically squished into a corner by everyone around me,” I share with a pain-filled giggle. “I am so squished right now that I feel claustrophobic and almost in a state of panic.”
“It is like my space and my needs do not matter,” I share with Keith. “I know this goes back to that tube of toothpaste experience with my roommate last summer – to my realization that with my mother, I had no right to personal belongings or my own personal space.”
“But I feel like such a bitch when I ask for my own space,” I explain to Keith. “Rather than say something to those around me … rather than asking that my needs be met and that my space be honored … I just surrender and energetically give my power away while feeling hurt and resentful toward those who took it.”
“I need to be able to stretch my fifty-seven year old bones out in front, and I need to be able to cross my legs … I need the freedom to do both.” I share with a lighthearted tone. “If not, I get physically miserable and am unable to focus on the ceremony.”
“Go inside and connect with the age when this first started,” Keith quickly guides me.
“I’m getting that it was around age three,” I respond a minute later, “but I have no physical memories to collaborate that.”
Calling Bullshit
As Keith moves on, I explore this meditation for a very long time, feeling stuck while revisiting numerous memories that do surface – family memories where I had to sacrifice my personal comfort in order to accommodate the needs of others. I remember protesting, but never winning. I quickly gave up the protesting, because I was punished for doing so, being made to feel guilty, and being scolded for fighting and complaining. Finally, I just quit resisting and gave up, instead doing whatever was asked of me just to keep the peace. I was actually proud of my ability in being able to keep the peace, as if sacrificing my self and my power was a good thing as long as someone else benefited. I learned that my needs do not matter.
“I deserve to be comfortable,” I whisper silently to little Bobby bear. “My needs do matter, and I deserve to honor them … to fulfill them … to not give my power away to others in the name of helping. My personal needs … my ability to be comfortable … are extremely justified and important.”
“I love myself enough to set loving boundaries,” I giggle silently with a new sense of peaceful resolve. “I am not a bitch if I gently tell people up front that I need my space … and if I remind them later if my space is taken away. Regardless of group size, I deserve to honor myself with a comfortable seating arrangement. Of course I will not be a space hog, but I will no longer sacrifice my needs into a state of misery, just in the name of people pleasing.”
“As a child, I learned that my needs do not matter … that others can trample my needs, and that I should just accept that fact with a loving attitude.” I ponder further.
“Well, I call BULLSHIT on that insane lie.” I giggle inside. “It is time to lovingly honor what I need – to lovingly give myself what I deserve.”
Let Yourself Feel It
Finally, in the midst of still feeling somewhat resistant and stuck, magical Steven turns and faces in my direction, sitting just a few feet away. I had asked him to please work with me whenever he felt inspired, but to my surprise, right now, I am resistant in my struggles. I actually do not want to make eye contact with him.
Finally, a few minutes later, I decide to release this resistance and to give myself what I deserve. I lock eyes with his and begin to surrender in the same way I had done on Friday. I imagine him as God … as healed Divine Masculine energy … asking for that healed Divine Energy to flow through me … asking my inner resistance to please consider allowing this flow.
As I do this, I experience sharp pains in my left abdomen – the feminine side. Initially, I observe these pains, but do not allow myself to go into them. I want to focus on the energy.
“Let yourself feel it,” Steven coaches with compassion.
As I ponder Steven’s words, I realize that the pain in my abdomen is really emotion that I am blocking. I quickly drop the resistance and go into the feelings. Almost immediately, I experience intense rage and betrayal toward the energy flowing into me via Steven. I surrender to tears, bending forward and dry heaving. Within seconds, I sit up. I am back in the light … and the pain (both emotional and physical) is gone.
After a minute or two, another physical pain arises. I finally surrender and feel the emotion. This time it is an intense feeling of anger that I cannot trust God – insisting that God betrayed me.
Magical Release And Allowing
For the final hour of the ceremony, Steven sits staring into my eyes, radiating Higher Energy to me as every few minutes I go through another layer of this emotion – doing it all on the easy bus – still having to feel it to the core, but then letting the light transmute it in seconds. The beautiful part of this is that I learned to trust how this works by observing Steven doing the very same thing for his first time, just a week or two ago.
Between layers, Steven repeatedly coaches me to relax, to “not try” but just to allow. I frequently experience magical tingling sensations in my head or chest regions. As I continue allowing this flow, I feel many physical signs of this light and love as it gently enters and works magic inside of me.
Throughout this process, I remind myself that I am experiencing love and Higher Dimensional assistance that has always been available – that I am just finally opening to allow it.
Beautiful Sharing
When the ceremony ends at around 5:00 p.m., I am in a child-like joyful state. I could easily burst into giggles and laughter if provoked. I hug Steven and thank him profusely for his compassionate assistance – for his magical energy and guidance.
“Thank YOU Brenda,” Steven glows back at me.
“Wow, Keith,” I share as I say goodbye, “I can tell another huge layer released today.”
“I felt it release,” Steven interrupts. “There was an especially huge layer at the end.”
“This is happening because you are finally allowing the love and compassion to come in,” Keith shares feedback. “That is why you are feeling it through Steven, when you did not feel it from other healers in the past.”
Memory jumbles the words, but as I prepare to walk away, Keith again showers me with deeply congratulatory praise for what I did today, thanking me for being on the porch.
As I walk home, I repeatedly encounter people I barely know who walk up to me, hug me, and briefly engage me in loving conversation. I love what I am manifesting.
As I later scribble magical notes about a magical day, new energies flow in my head and shoulders. I can tell that inner healing continues to go on in the background, and there is nothing I need do to encourage it.
Crumbling Walls
It has been an arduous but magical journey, at times very difficult. I have experienced and/or witnessed unimaginable magic, as well as struggled through intense inner swamps. But in the two and a half years that I have trusted my work with both Keith and chocolate, I have never had such a magical series of healing and opening events as those that have graced my life in this past week.
It now seems that every ceremony, no matter how beautiful or bizarre, serves me in profound ways, connecting me with growth and showing me where I remain blocked.
And the two ceremonies where Steven guided me, energetically holding my hand, staring into my eyes and holding space while I found the courage to allow Higher Energies to finally begin to brighten the dark walls of my light-starved heart – well, those are among the most magical experiences of my healing journey, with many more to come.
In my deepest gratitude, I clearly see that this has nothing (and everything) to do with Steven. He is just an amazing young man filled with unconditional love – a beautiful light channel who is doing his own inner work – a magical being who happens to be in the right place at the right time – someone who engenders compassion and trust in Higher Energies.
And it is compassion and trust that help me to believe that just maybe I can, and I will succeed in letting Higher Light and Love assist in crumbling and transmuting those thick, lifeless walls – once impenetrable walls that angrily protected a very wounded heart – a heart that is finally beginning to glow in giggling, joyful, and magical ways.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved