Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled “Learning To Surf.”
The first chocolate ceremony of 2013 begins with power as thirty-three souls crowd Keith’s porch – a near record turnout.
Feeling no issues of my own bubbling to the surface, I hold a beautiful energetic space for others. But first, I go inside and express magical intentions … I ask my little inner children to show me what they might do to help me with an expansion to the next level of my growth – whatever that might be. Then, I simply surrender to the flow, feeling a very nice energy for most of the ceremony.
Late in the afternoon, Steven – the magical young man who has been anchoring huge amounts of light energy onto the porch – begins to show tiny signs of emotional pain. He is sitting right beside me, and I feel a strong sense of inner guidance telling me to work with him. Following that guidance, I soon place my right hand on his heart while sharing quiet loving whispers, encouraging him to trust his energetic flow, and to go wherever it takes him. Within seconds, Steven sinks into deep emotional release.
The experience is quite magical for me as I repeatedly follow mild intuitions, placing my hands here and there – not physically touching him, just holding my hands an inch or two above his body. Through this process, Steven has his eyes closed. I am amazed by the visual feedback I receive, watching how his emotional release intensifies when I follow my own inner guidance to move my hands to his heart, the back of his heart, his third eye, or crown, etc…
The Heart Is The Tool
Just before the end of this beautiful ceremony, Keith again works with Joe, who is manifesting distorted energy related to a self-perceived urgency to make progress NOW with his God drama. As before, Keith works compassionately, but very firmly, not validating Joe’s dysfunctional behavior, while at the same time, sharing guidance intended to help Joe understand his blind spots, the places where he is stuck in ego temper tantrums.
Because of my own ongoing deep journey, both with God drama, and my former projections onto Joe, I watch with compassion, moving my cushion to sit down right in front of Joe while Keith continues to talk to him. Soon, I enter the conversation, sharing my own feedback, talking about the importance of surrendering to the flow of his inner being, dropping attempts to control the process and instead, loving himself for exactly where he is, right now – not just with words, but with pure self-compassion.
I clearly understand Joe’s pain and dilemma, his sense of urgency to move through this inner nightmare … and I understand the frightening and confusing thought that the rational mind is not the tool for this transition. It is only now, as I begin to let go of control and bring in more self-love and compassion – actually feeling those energies – that I understand in my heart that this is not a riddle to be solved with logic and planning. The loving energies that I am beginning to allow myself to feel are the very magic that is guiding my process and transforming my soul.
Keith soon points out to Joe the pure compassion that I feel for him, how I deeply understand what he is going through, and how it is serving me too.
“Thank you for helping my friend Brenda so profoundly,” Keith then tells Joe, “She is an amazingly powerful person, and what you are doing is really helping her.”
“Yeah,” I acknowledge, blushing at the beautiful praise, “this is massively powerful for me to see my own struggle in the form of an external stage play. I deeply understand Joe’s frustrations that the mind cannot figure it out … his desire to push through and solve this problem now. I see myself so much more clearly now.”
“Joe,” I add, “The mind will not get you out of this … it is only in ‘know thyself’ and self-acceptance, self-love, and compassion that the answers will come. Your process is perfect. Be patient and trust yourself … trust your Higher Self to guide you with perfect timing.”
Enjoying The Ride
After the ceremony wraps up, as hugs are being exchanged on the porch, Keith looks at me.
“Wow,” Keith grins, “you were amazing today.”
Steven then joins the celebratory conversation.
“I don’t know for sure what I was doing,” I tell Steven, “I was just following whispers of guidance, just trusting that I did not need to know any more than that.”
“I felt absolute trust and guidance with what you were doing,” Steven shares, expressing his gratitude.
“Brenda,” Keith then adds regarding my work with Steven, “I took one look at what was going on and knew I could trust you completely … that you were doing an amazing and wonderful job.”
As I walk home, my heart is light, and I feel deeply humbled by the loving praise that echoes what I finally feel inside. I cherish the beautiful energy of today. I continue to surrender, letting go of all judgment about “where I should be” and instead allow myself to trust that I am exactly where I am – the perfect place in an inspired process – literally seeing everything outside of me as a divinely orchestrated personal stage play. I giggle as I clearly realize that I love the feedback, but do not really need any external validation or praise right now. I am simply trusting that everything is perfectly unfolding with divine timing, and I can just enjoy the ride. I cannot think of a more magical way to begin what I know will be a magical new year.
New Awakenings
As I wake up on Thursday morning, I find myself immersed in grateful pondering, again revisiting the magic of the stage play. I cherish how the processing of others is so beautifully reinforcing my own growth and learning – reinforcing to me that my goal is a state of heart-being – that there is nothing to achieve, nothing to fix, nothing to plan with my mind. I can simply find deeply felt love in every moment, releasing and transmuting things as they come up with perfect synchronous timing.
While meditating in bed, I feel more energetic connection in my feet than I ever remember feeling in such a consistent and obvious way – and I feel energy flowing up my legs, causing that uncomfortable foot-waking-up sensation in my calves as life force begins to return to an energetic desert. This beautiful flow from mother earth continues all morning, bringing a magical tingling throughout my body, even when I simply rest to watch another movie.
As I later wait for the Thursday afternoon private workgroup chocolate ceremony, a twinge of annoyance pokes me on the inside as I note that twenty-seven people have showed up. This ego part of me wants to complain that there are so many people that I will never get the personal attention I deserve and want.
Rather than give strength to this annoyance, I listen to the feelings and then set them on the shelf, curiously and eagerly observing, waiting to find out just why I might have manifested such a large group for what has been a smaller and more personal gathering in the past.
Reading Energy
As I sit with an open heart, holding space for others, I am in a really good place, curiously wondering if any of my own issues will come up today.
Eventually, one of my friends gets really achy and nauseas. To my surprise, as she talks about her process, I deeply feel her nausea in my own abdomen. Intuitions clearly tell me that my heart is open, and that I am merely being given a profound experience in “reading” the emotions of others.
My friend’s agony is so intense that she actually steps into the bathroom, trying to physically vomit the metaphor out of her body. When she returns, I still feel her nausea. I can only presume that Keith feels it too, because he soon coaches my friend to bring in the light to transmute the nausea that remains. Soon, I feel much lighter myself, but some nausea remains.
“Now,” Keith guides my friend, “ask your guides to put the nausea back inside of you.”
As these words leave Keith’s tongue, I immediately feel the intensified nausea back in my own body. It is overwhelmingly strong inside of me. Keith then guides my friend to transmute it, yet again.
“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “My nausea is gone, completely vanished. This really was a powerful lesson for me in how I am an empath, reading the energy of others in a deep, intense way. I feel the pain so strongly that if I did not know better, I would have believed it to be my own.”
Soon, as Keith works with someone else, I again start to feel intense inner pain as if it is my own. I quickly connect to my inner children, having an open heart, and asking little Bobby and Sharon to please show me an “easy bus” version of how I can read energy without doing it so intensely – without it overwhelming me.
To my delight, I still feel the pain, but it is milder, I am more aware that it does not belong to me, and I begin to feel a little joyful excitement that I can actually help others by feeling their pain, rather than suffering in the process.
I am quite proud of myself as these experiences unfold. In both cases, I had briefly asked Keith to confirm my own guidance, and he had twice agreed that I was getting an experience in reading the energy of someone else – without actually eating it – without bringing it inside and physically storing it in my metaphorical basket.
Blunt Honesty
Meanwhile, there is a new woman on the porch, engaging in what I perceive as a fixing energy with someone else. I get Keith’s attention to whisper my concerns. Keith acknowledges that he is watching and aware, and that all is OK for now. I congratulate myself for being able to watch this fixing without going into a huge round of external judgment. Instead, I clearly trust that there is a larger purpose unfolding – a reason Keith is aware-but-allowing the behavior.
Finally, Keith checks in with the woman, I will call her Pam. Keith tells Pam that she is not allowed to do what she is doing, and that she needs to do her own work instead.
“What are you feeling right now?” Keith asks Pam.
“I am feeling joy, joy, joy” Pam responds with what, to me, feels like a fake grin.
I am shocked, because when I look at her face and feel her energy, I do not sense any joy, none whatsoever – I sense ego, denial, and fear. I find comfort in my perceptions when Keith tells her that she is scamming herself and that there is a layer of fear being hidden by what she calls joy. Keith attempts to guide her deeper, but she refuses, ridiculing Keith for being so out in left field, insisting that Keith is wrong – that Keith is in ego – and that she clearly knows what she is feeling.
I shake my head from side to side; her deep denial and self-scamming are obvious to me.
“There are at least eight people on the porch who are aware enough to know that you are in absolute denial of what you are feeling,” Keith attempts to reach Pam in her stuckness.
Again, Pam just laughs the whole experience away, as if it is a hilarious joke, insisting that Keith could not possibly know what is going on inside her own energy.
By now, my interest is deeply perked. I know something magical is afoot, because Keith is not usually guided to be so bluntly honest with someone, especially on their first visit to his porch.
I admire how Keith quickly backs away. He makes absolutely no attempt to defend or validate his own perceptions. He allows Pam to have her own truth, to remain in her stuck denial. I cannot wait to find out what happens next.
Triggering Understanding
Over the course of the next hour or two, I observe as Pam’s fixing energy discretely continues. I whisper to a friend next to me, and she confirms that another friend has also whispered to her that Pam’s energy is deeply annoying her too.
Suddenly, I pull the manifestation inside, and I realize that this is another external stage play showing me how I felt about my dear mother’s energy when I was a child.
“My mother was doing everything right on the outside,” I ponder. “She was happy, connected to God, raising me in a righteous home, teaching me to obey and worship as she does.”
“Yet, as a child, I clearly saw through that exterior shell,” the profound clarity unfolds, “My mother was in complete denial about her inner pain. When I was tiny, I could feel that repressed pain hidden under the cultural mask, but she could not talk about it. She was stubborn in her attempts to maintain a happy exterior. She believed that happy image to be real. Yet behind her beautiful public image, I could see and feel her hidden struggles. In her attempt to be a good person – to follow God as she was taught by her parents – it was imperative for her to be a good parent … to fix me … to forcefully correct my flaws … to diligently keep me on the straight and narrow path. She devotedly indoctrinated me with her version of truth. As a tiny child, I tried to fight back, but had no hope of winning any debate with such a powerful adult as my mother.”
Throughout my life, I can see that I did much the same thing, struggling to maintain an exterior image while ignoring and repressing the pain on the inside. I felt an imperative to wear a happy mask on the outside – and to teach / coerce my children to follow in my footsteps.
“Wow,” I continue pondering, “Pam is giving me a beautiful mirror, showing me much of my own mother’s repressed pain and denial, a mirror that instead tried to maintain a happy, joyful image. No wonder Pam is triggering me so much.”
Divine Actors
Soon, I go into a very deep meditation where I imagine every person in my life as a magical being of light, playing a role in my personal stage play.
As I do so, I ponder one particularly annoying character in the “Lost” television series – remembering his mean, controlling, evil behavior. Then I consider the fact that when seeing this actor in “real life,” outside of his television role, I still feel those intense judgmental emotions directed toward him. It is nearly impossible for me to separate the role this person played from the actual person he might be in every-day life. I cannot possibly imagine the he might be a kind, loving, gentle man.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle, “this is profound. Every person in my life has been playing a role in some way – doing so at my energetic / manifested request. I have been so lost in the roles they played for me, especially the role my mother played for me, that it is nigh impossible to see through the mask to perceive and connect with their divine Higher Essence.”
This meditation provides me with deep food for thought – with another goal to work toward. I really want to see the divine truth behind every person in my life, especially with the ones that have triggered me most deeply, because they are the key to my waking up.
As I ponder the role my mother played in the shutdown of my childhood magic, I continue to cringe at the thought of releasing her from that role, and instead seeing her true Divine Essence.
“Wow,” I ponder with shock, “this betrayal energy runs deep inside me. This wounded part of me wants to continue feeling betrayed by that shutdown, refusing to let it go, refusing to see the truth, because doing so means I am giving up … somehow admitting failure in my quest.”
A Cracked Foundation
For a few minutes, just the act of connecting with this energy of betrayal causes me to again feel very heavy putrid emotions – emotions that dangle tempting bait on a huge hook in front of me. But rather than take that bait, I now feel compassion for myself. New understanding is unfolding, and I am enjoying the exciting feeling of detachment and peace.
“A few cracks are beginning to form in that foundation of those God-Drama lies,” I silently giggle inside.
Suicidal Smothering
Meanwhile, Pam has occupied the cushion on my left side, and is energetically connecting with a young man I will call Tim. She is completely ignoring Keith’s earlier request for her to do her own work, and is busily trying to help someone else.
I lean over and ask a friend to tap Keith on the shoulder, to get his quiet attention, to make sure he is aware. He soon responds that he is watching, and gestures that all is OK, that it is serving a higher purpose.
What happens next, however, is completely unexpected (at least by me).
Pam moves across the porch to sit by (and start to touch) someone else. Almost immediately, Tim stands up and whispers quietly to Keith. He explains that when Pam was working with him, he experienced deeply suicidal feelings – devastating him – and he believes it was coming from Pam.
“Please share this with her,” Keith asks Tim to express his feelings to Pam.
“Yes, please do,” I encourage as Tim shows deep hesitance in speaking up. “Many of us have been watching, clearly observing, and she needs to know what she is doing.”
“At least four people have gotten my attention to point out what this woman is doing,” Keith tells Tim in a voice loud enough for the whole porch to hear.
Suddenly, a young empath across the porch breaks down in intense agonizing emotion. Keith points out that she has now connected to Pam’s energy, feeling what Pam is doing.
Pam just laughs at Keith, denying everything he says, ridiculing his claims as coming from his ego, saying he is full of crap, insisting that she knows what she is feeling and what she is doing. Several deeply energy-sensitive people quickly give Pam very loving but blunt feedback, agreeing with Keith’s firm assessment, but Pam continues to laugh it off as a joke.
Meanwhile, Pam has been touching the shoulder of a young man, and he is in tears while his third eye is pulsing painfully.
Psychic Vampires
“What are you feeling,” Keith asks my young friend.
“I am very weak,” My friend responds.
Keith quickly tells Pam that she is being a psychic vampire, in complete denial and unawareness of what she is doing … sucking out the energy of others. Keith is quite clear on the fact that Pam is not evil, that this is part of her own training, but it is time for her to know what she is doing. Rather than taking energy from others, it is now time for her to learn how to connect directly to Source, and to receive her energy from a pure source.
My young friend immediately starts to get up to move. He insists that he cannot sit by Pam anymore, saying that he is frightened by what he feels from her. Keith encourages the young man to remain where he is, and then guides him on a beautiful process, teaching him to recognize what he is feeling when his energy is being drained. Through a series of steps, first connecting directly to source, then disconnecting, and then reconnecting, Keith helps this young man to understand how he can be transparent to such energies coming from others. In such a state of transparency, others can pull as much energy as they want, and it does not faze him, because all of the energy is coming directly from Source, not from his personal resources.
“It is impossible for them to drain the Universe,” Keith teaches my friend.
Keith then helps everyone to understand that, as healers, we will come across such people, and that there is nothing wrong. They are on their own unique journey, and we can use this experience as a motivation to find our own direct connection to Higher Energies so that we are transparent to such situations.
I am delighted as I watch my young friend light up with energy and glow again.
Lost In The Cracks
In the midst of this process, several others have gone into deep agonizing emotional release because of triggers regarding their own past interactions with people who have once drained their energy in such a way.
As I observe these intense processes unfold, I get a strong inner feeling that somehow, in some way, my mother did something to me that drained me of my own power. When I search deep inside, I definitely know that something did happen.
“Keith,” I soon ask for some type of guidance, “was my mother a psychic vampire with my energy?”
“No, Brenda,” Keith responds with confidence after connecting to his own guidance. “I’m getting that with you, it was more psychic surgery, where your mother unknowingly reached into you and pulled a lot of things out.”
“Can you help me understand or figure out exactly what may have energetically happened to me?” I beg for further guidance.
“No, that is homework for you,” Keith responds with a sly grin.
I cannot help but suddenly recall that Keith and I had this conversation more than a year ago. In fact, I cannot place when it was, but somewhere in the midst of my intense processing, I clearly understood that my mother had unknowingly performed psychic surgery on me, but I was so new in my process, and so overwhelmed by ongoing inner work, that such understanding had gotten lost in the cracks. Today, in a magical way, with perfect timing, Pam’s presence has served me … bringing my awareness back to the next phase of my healing.
Psychic Surgery 101
To my shock, Keith suddenly begins to work with two magical people directly in front of me, both of whom are feeling deeply traumatized by the unfolding events. One is a young man, and the other a young woman. I am delighted and amazed by what unfolds in front of me.
First, Keith shares a personal story from his own childhood (and later his healing journey) about how a psychic surgery incident had dramatically affected his path. Then, Keith guides each of these two magical healers to understand that parts of them were psychically removed … the young woman being affected by psychic surgery performed by her mother … and the young man by his father.
Keith explains to the group that psychic surgery is very common, and most people do not even believe it is possible, let alone happening through them. Many parents with this unknowing ability, can use their strong “will” to “correct” flaws in their children, causing energetic changes such as cutting off the child’s ability to feel emotions, severing energy channels, clogging energy channels, or to even actually cut out a part of the child’s magic. Sometimes, the parent even puts part of their own energy inside the child to replace a child’s guidance system with one from the parent.
Soul Retrieval
Soon, Keith works with these two magical healers in front of me, guiding them in a meditative process where they bring back the parts of them that were cut out when they were children – a process similar to Shamanic soul retrieval – but also quite different.
This is a process involving the profound understanding that no part of us is ever lost. If removed by others, or perhaps voluntarily pushed out as children, those parts of us are kept safe, under the guardianship of what some call the Light Shadow and some call the Soul, waiting for us to bring them back when we are ready. In this manner, these parts are free from scars that would have damaged them if they had remained with us during trauma or energetic shutdown processes.
As this process unfolds, I remember the first time Keith had guided me to bring back a missing part of myself. It was nearly two and a half years ago, and I faced steep fears in the process, eventually allowing tiny portions of my own precious energy to return. Even now, with my God drama continuing to influence resistance levels, I still find it difficult to trust and allow even my own energies to come back.
Hopeless and Clueless
I deeply relate to what Keith is teaching these two magical friends. I absolutely know that this is what happened to me – that my mother, in her desperation to help me, unknowingly modified my energy, either removing parts of me, or perhaps severing connections, or perhaps both. I am confused and do not know which, but I clearly know that something happened to me – something quite innocent on her part.
In my logical rational mind, I know that I cannot possibly know this, but I DO know. As I surrender in meditation, I feel sharp pains all over my abdomen. The more I surrender and observe the energetic movements in my body, I feel as if wounds exist all over my abdomen, from that nail-in-my-heart spot at the center of my heart chakra, all the way down to the pelvis, especially on the left, female, sexuality and creativity side
When I check in with that nail-in-my-heart spot that had been so painful last year, I do note, however, that the pain is much less in that region. Intuitions tell me that this is because I have done a great deal of healing with this metaphorical area.
A feeling of overwhelmed hopelessness consumes me as this inner journey unfolds, not just in an “inner knowing” that forms, but in the actual prickly pains that I feel. I am absolutely clear that this process is directly related to the assassination of my magic – to the loss of the power that should be flowing into my heart – into my magical theme park.
I try to focus on the fact that this was pre-arranged with my mother, that I energetically asked her to do this to me, that we have energetic agreements with each other. As I do so, I briefly feel her grief at having had to play such a role for me.
“But I feel such deep hopelessness about not knowing how to heal this energetic disaster inside of me,” I ponder in pain. “There are so many metaphorical stab wounds, so much damage, and I am so clueless about how to proceed.”
Baited Hooks
In fact, I am in shock … as I feel as if I were abandoned, simply given “homework” while Keith helped two of my extremely magical friends to find successful healing from their psychic wounds.
“Am I giving off an energy that I do not want to be helped?” I ponder in this confusion. “Or perhaps my Higher Self is simply guiding Keith that this is something that I need to learn by doing it on my own.”
In my heart, I know that the latter is true, but those abandonment and “I am a loser” hooks are dangling right in front of me, begging me to bite – to take the bait and dive headfirst into my God drama.
I smile and confidently sit back in my seat, trusting that all is well. I am no longer hungry for that bait.
A Tiny Crack
Finally, just before 5:00 p.m., the ceremony dissolves to chatter and scattering feet. I hang behind and briefly step into Keith’s kitchen as he and another friend discuss what happened with Pam (the Psychic Vampire stuff). I am fascinated by the opportunity to learn and contribute to the understanding of events, doing so in a more open arena.
Soon, Steven and I sit together and share beautiful energy for fifteen minutes. I feel the profound energetic love assisting me … flowing into my heart.
“Brenda,” Steven provides unexpected feedback, “when I first came to Keith’s porch a couple of weeks ago, I could feel you energetically refusing to allow this love as I radiated it to others. But now, I can feel some of that love going into your heart. You have allowed a tiny crack to open, and some of the Higher Energy IS getting in, going where it needs to go.”
I feel this beautiful energy starting to vibrate and tickle in my heart chakra, but am also quite emotional as the influx of loving energy triggers deep fear and panic. The level of emotional resistance still in me is revealing and eye opening.
Confirmed Clue
Finally, when most people have left, I have an opportunity to ask Keith a couple of questions alone.
“Can you give me a clue to my homework?” I ask Keith.
“Brenda, I did give you a huge clue,” Keith surprises me.
“Yeah,” I admit, “you’re right. The psychic surgery work you did with my friends was a huge clue. I feel like I have stab wounds all over my abdomen and chest.
Keith smiles and quickly confirms that I am on the right track.
“Am I giving off this ‘please-do-not-help-me-directly’ energy?” I ask Keith to please be honest with me.
“No, Brenda,” Keith grins back at me. “You are really doing very well. I am just not receiving any guidance to tell you any more than what I did.”
Feeling The Anger
“I just need to trust my flow and surrender,” I tell myself as I walk home extremely slowly. “I know that this doubt and needing to trust my inner process is part of my un-climbable wall, my impassable switchback – forcing me to directly connect to my answers. But HOW can I do that with all of this mother-energy stabbing me? How can I get it out of me and bring my own energy back so that I can receive the guidance I need?”
I feel lost and overwhelmed as I walk home, at times sinking into sobs, coughs and even dizziness. Deep betrayal and hopelessness are nipping at my ankles.
“I will NOT bite the hook,” I repeatedly remind myself. “I will not go into a hopeless temper tantrum loop tonight. I recognize this as another God-drama hook … one saying f@ck you God, I refuse to go forward until someone helps with my pathetic state of dysfunction.”
“I DO know what I need to do,” I force myself to smile. “I know that I am already on my way, and that bringing in more self-love is the key.”
As I ponder preparing dinner, I am shell-shocked by the pain and anger that I suddenly feel pulsing inside. I search to find compassion for the role that I asked my mother to play in my life – for her unknowing psychic surgery that I clearly know continues to influence my struggles.
Soon, I allow myself to go into a short-but-very-intense round of emotional release – feeling that anger, screaming into a pillow, coughing and crying it out. A minute later, I ask the light to help me … to fill me … and I am delighted when all of the emotion suddenly vanishes.
“Wow, what an amazing glimpse of the easy bus,” I giggle as I prepare dinner, feeling happy and free again.
Unfolding Metaphors
Friday morning, January 4, 2013, I am up early and actually meditate for an hour. This is the first time in months that I have engaged in a solo meditation during the early morning.
Later, after a quick shower, I attempt to scratch my back and suddenly feel a deep stabbing pain – as if I pulled a muscle on the back of my left shoulder. It is extremely painful, but I intuitively know it is some type of metaphor, an energetic message.
“I was stabbed on the feminine side – in the back of my High Heart, my connection to Cosmic / Christ Consciousness – and I am carrying the weight of that feminine pain.” I ponder the various possible meanings of this metaphor – all of which resonate.
After a relaxing morning, ignoring the sharp pain that persists, I find myself on Keith’s magical porch, in what turns out to be a new record of thirty-six people.
I hold space at the beginning, struggling with shoulder pain and deep inexplicable resistance in my abdomen. I clearly recognize that part of the abdominal pain is a result of reading the energy of others, but it also resonates with my own pain. I soon notice pains in my heart chakra as well. It takes a while, but eventually, intuitions tell me I am struggling with yesterday’s psychic surgery realization. Finally, I simply express an inner intention for my energy to fill and flow to others, doing so on autopilot. Then I close my eyes and focus on my own process.
An Agonizing Exploration
As I observe the pains moving around in my body, I follow them to my abdomen, where I begin to feel extremely sharp pains all over my belly and heart regions. It literally feels like a combination of sharp knives and ice picks stuck into my body, all over those regions.
As I experience these pains, I am in deep emotional agony, feeling the betrayal and the hopelessness of knowing there is no point in trying … that I have been wounded beyond repair … that I do not know how to heal this and I want to give up.
Huge God-drama hooks are dangling in front of me, begging me to throw in the F@ck-it-all towel. The pain is so intense that I just want to succumb and wallow in it. But I am determined, yet again, not to take the bait.
Finally, I remember my Fabulous Four, and ask my magical inner children to bring in Yoda and mini-Gandalf to hold space for this process. The emotional (and physical) pain is intense. I clearly know it is a metaphorical representation of the wounds from the numerous psychic surgeries that took place on my body when I was a child. Rational mind has no idea what was taken out of me, or perhaps put into me, but I clearly recognize that I do not need to understand any of this in my head. Instead, I trust the intuitive feelings and metaphors, and am lovingly determined to follow my feelings.
Betrayal Energy Understood
Eventually, Keith glances at me and I explain that I am literally at the core of my God drama, feeling as if I have knives and ice picks sticking all over my abdomen and chest. He agrees with me that this is a continuation of my process from yesterday. Finally, after more than a year, I am fully beginning to understand all of Keith’s past explanations about variations of the God drama.
“I am working with a part of me that is in a HUGE temper tantrum,” I explain to Keith. “I am feeling deeply betrayed by what happened and want to refuse to cooperate or allow the light until that apology is received, and all things are made right …”
“I suggest that you pick up that little child and hold it while she cries,” Keith guides me. “Hold space for her, etc…”
“That is essentially what I was working on in my process,” I respond, “except that I was not holding her.”
During an empath training, I experience even more intense agony. For the first time ever, I understand, at a profound new level, the origin of my betrayal projections. I have a profound and direct connection to the core pain inside of me – the pain that has been running my life from behind the curtain.
“This emotion IS me and it defines my life,” This inner pain cries out in a temper tantrum. “If I just let it go, my life is a joke and a fraud. I refuse to release it, to drop the betrayal until my life is validated. I was abandoned by God … betrayed by God … psychically brutalized by God. I refuse to have anything to do with God until she makes it all better.”
Accessing Deep Personal Emotions
Soon, I get the intuition to use real life examples to make the understanding even more personal. One by one, I visualize a handful of friends, people, and/or institutions in my life that have seemed to deeply betray me.
I imagine them in front of me, feeling those old emotions as if they happened yesterday. In every case, there is a gut-wrenching emotion surrounding the idea of this person in my space. But even more profound is the extreme abhorrence at the thought of asking any of these people to share love with me, after what they just did to me. (Of course, I have healed most of this, but I am regressing to how it felt on the day after the perceived betrayal occurred.)
“This is exactly what I am feeling about God,” I ponder with shocking clarity. “Behind my blinders, behind my words of wanting to connect with Source, I literally feel as if God betrayed me deeply, only yesterday, and I absolutely refuse to allow those eff-ing Higher Energies to come anywhere near me.”
And each time that sense of betrayal has entered my life, I have returned to this pain, going into a spiraling inner temper tantrum of dysfunctional confusion and chaos, refusing to cooperate with Higher Energies until an apology or trust-building experience is first given to me.
Teddy Bear Michael
Next, I bring in little Bobby-bear to add to the playful levity of my agony. As I do so, I suddenly get the feeling that the betrayed part of me is not Bobby or Sharon – not my masculine or feminine energies – but is instead that distorted unhealed version of the rescuer energy. I do not try to figure this out. Instead I just profoundly understand that it IS me that refuses to cooperate with Higher energies … it has always been me who refuses to trust God (and other sources of betrayal).
I soon express meditative intent for my own inner healed energies, and any external sources available, to help me release all of the emotional pain that swirls inside of me. I surrender needing to know how this will happen, I just allow it – but I still do not feel much lighter. In fact, the physical pain in my body remains at agonizing levels.
Finally, as Keith nears the end of the empath training, he talks about Archangel Michael and the Sword of Truth. Quickly, I imagine little Bobby-bear as “Teddy Bear Michael” with his magical Sword of Truth. One by one, I imagine this little teddy bear stabbing each of my pains with his sword. Each time, I literally experience release as I imagine yucky density spewing from the wound, like an infected pimple – black tar-like density oozing out for release.
Over and over, I repeat this beautiful process. Old pains release and new ones surface, but finally, over time, the pain begins to diminish.
This betrayal energy is putrid. At the rational mind level, I understand that holding onto this energy is like drinking poison, but at an emotional level, this part of me has refused to let go, until this magical teddy bear came along with his sword.
Finally, I am able to grin, and then giggle, as I feel myself gradually pulling in a tiny bit more direct light and love. Eventually, the pains are all gone, and I feel magically free from the manifestations of today.
Gratitude And Apology
At the end of the ceremony, I wait for an opportunity to briefly chat with Keith. We had not talked at all during my intense journey, and I was curious if he was aware of my struggles.
“Of course I was keeping an eye on you,” Keith reassures me.
“I let go of a huge layer of my God drama today.” I giggle. “I am probably not done yet, but it was huge.”
“THANK YOU SO MUCH for being so patient with me over the last year, and for allowing me to project onto you so much,” I then express deep gratitude and apology to Keith. “I really feel as if I hit the bottom today. I did not take the bait, and I faced an astounding absolute refusal to let go of the betrayal until I got an apology. I finally understand what used to only make sense to the mind … understanding things you have frequently said that used to annoy me. I now clearly comprehend how strong that betrayal energy was, and why I refused to budge.”
“Brenda,” Keith responds with a grin. “It is my pleasure, because you are so worth my patience.”
The Devil In Me
As I walk home, I repeatedly reflect on the new depth of my understanding … on how I have been replaying this betrayal for what intuitively feels like at least twelve lifetimes already.
“The only way to end this is to just give up and let it go,” I ponder with clarity. “When I reached that realization, this is when I was able to start letting it go to Teddy Bear Michael.”
I cannot validate any of this with rational mind. It feels profoundly real in my heart, but makes no sense to the head. And in celebration of this new understanding, I again treat little Bobby and Sharon to a burger and fries. They deserve it.
I know that what I did today was real at the heart and subconscious levels, and I trust that the rational mind understanding will unfold as new magic opens, and new ways of feeling energies continue to manifest. I surrender and trust that IF there is more, that it will come up with perfect timing. I did not orchestrate today. I just followed what happened yesterday, and what came up today … just surrendering to that process with love … not judging the tantrum that surfaced inside, but loving it instead … sympathizing with the agonizing pain rather than judging it … acknowledging the intensity of that pain as being real and legitimate … but also not giving any power to it, not identifying with it.
Oh, and I almost forgot. Just before I walked out the door today to go to the ceremony this morning, I felt guided to turn around and pull one tarot card. To my delight, it had been “The Devil” card, to me representing deep work with ego and inner demons.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle, “did I ever face the demons today. I dropped HUGE layers of ego refusal to cooperate with God, Higher Energies, Light, and Love. Betrayal will never be the same … in fact, it already isn’t the same.”
An Empath Nightmare
After a beautiful Saturday of writing “Hiding In A Cage,” and a magical Sunday morning of strange dreams and watching Abraham Hicks videos, I find myself guided to walk out to ceremony a few minutes earlier than normal. When I arrive, there are already fifteen people waiting in the street. By the time I help get things set up, and we serve all of the chocolate, a record bulging crowd squishes onto the porch. There are fifty-three people squeezed into every square inch, overflowing onto the garden steps and below.
Because of the crowd, I expect to simply blend in and hold space for others. I could not be further from the truth. I do hold space throughout the first half of the ceremony, but my heart is deeply hurting, cramping, and shutting down. Over time, my abdomen becomes intensely painful. Pam (the Psychic Vampire) is present, and I believe her presence is just enough to take me deeper into my own metaphors of psychic surgery pains from childhood.
To my delight, however, I manage to remain in a very high energy, peacefully sitting and observing this intense unfolding pain until about halfway through the ceremony. At this point, many people have already left, leaving only about twenty of us for a magical empath training.
“Keith,” I finally beg for guidance, “can you give me any feedback about what I am doing. I am deeply shut down, my heart is cramped and painful, and I feel as if I am massively eating the dense energies of others, and am unable to stop it. Is this related to what I did on Friday with healing part of my God drama?”
“I’m getting that you need to work on moving that assemblage point out in front again,” Keith soon responds, referring to the place where I receive energy from others – a place that should be at the front of my energy field rather than inside my abdomen.
“I have been trying to do just that,” I explain to Keith through a sudden burst of tears. “But I am failing to make any progress.”
Loving Group Support
Keith quickly delights me by inviting everyone to hold space for me, being love-butlers, making the love I need available to me, but not forcing it into me. I can tell that my energy is still quite resistant, but gradually, with this beautiful external support, my heart begins to relax and I start to feel much lighter.
“There, Brenda,” Keith suddenly interjects just as I feel more peace, “the assemblage point moved outside, but just a tiny bit in front of you. Can you feel that?”
“Yeah,” I respond, “I am starting to feel much better, and my heart is a little more open.”
To my surprise, Keith then tells a new woman on the porch, a powerful empath herself, that she and I are quite similar. He explains that we are both very powerful empaths, who ground the emotional energy at a group level.
“And you both grew up believing that all of the pain you took in was yours, and that there was something massively wrong with you,” Keith then adds.
“Connect with Brenda,” Keith guides this other young woman. “Take in some of what she is doing inside of herself.”
“Now,” Keith asks about a minute later, “Please describe what you are feeling. This will really help Brenda.”
“I’m feeling intense anxiety and panic,” the young woman responds. “It is very strong pain.”
“It hurts intensely,” I add my own comment, feeling deeply grateful that I am not crazy, that someone else can feel what I am taking in, and can understand.
“But now I’m doing something very different,” I explain to Keith. “I am still feeling it, and am bringing in some love, and I am NOT getting lost in the pain, even though today it has been excruciating and overwhelming.”
White Bird Metaphors
The next thing that happens totally catches me by surprise. Keith speaks to this woman who is connected to me.
“Now stop taking in Brenda’s pain,” Keith gives new guidance, “and instead focus on allowing your energies to give something to Brenda that will help her.”
“I have no idea what that is,” Keith tells me, “I am just guided that she has something for you.”
“I am seeing a white bird that can fly into and out of your heart to that spot in front of you,” The woman shares a minute later.
“Wow,” I ponder in silence, “what an interesting metaphor, being able to visualize a magical bird that will help me remember to put that empath assemblage point out in front of me.”
Several new magical metaphors come to mind as Keith first suggests that I should read his Animal-Speak book in the section about doves, and as I remember a song called “White Bird,” that was first released back in 1973. I get shivers as I ponder what meanings may unfold from these metaphors.
Almost immediately, I intuitively see this white bird as being wounded, love starved, and weak, hiding in a golden cage located in my stomach. I imagine all of my grandchildren crowding around the cage with medicine droppers filled with love, each excitedly helping to feed and nurse the bird back to health.
I sit with this beautiful metaphor for a while, basking in peaceful loving energy, before I finally rejoin the group.
Learning By Teaching
As I watch events around me, I observe a friend from Europe, an older woman, perhaps a little older than me. She is sinking into deep tears.
“Go sit with her and ground her feet,” strong inner intuitions guide me to do something different.
Seconds later, I have moved my cushion and am holding my hands on her feet, while simultaneously gazing into her eyes. In my heart, I express an intention for her to be able to pull her own Higher Love through me. Then I simply observe and get out of the way.
“There is so much love flowing through you; and it is pure and unconditional,” she tells me a while later.
“It is not my love,” I respond with a glow, “this is your own love being brought through me. I am not giving it to you, it is yours. You are the one bringing it through.”
Keith makes a comment about another man and woman who are being powerful anchors of light for this woman, but never once talks about what I am doing. I just giggle inside, knowing this is another opportunity to trust inner validation. I need no outside feedback. This is a profound experience for me, and as I sit with her, I too am receiving a great deal of the love flowing through me … and I quickly notice that my shoulder, which has been hurting incessantly for two and a half days … well, it suddenly no longer hurts at all.
Eventually, my legs are so numb that I have to shift and stand up. Our shared process turns to loving supportive conversation where I work with her for a while, helping her realize that she can do this anytime, bringing in such love without my assistance.
I clearly realize that throughout this conversation, I am really talking to myself, that I am teaching what I need to learn to do for myself.
“Wow,” Keith later tells me as I prepare to leave, “thank you for your contributions today.”
This is all the feedback I need to hear. I am glowing. What began as a physically painful understanding of being a group empath has turned into magical metaphors and a glowing, radiating, loving energy that fills every pore of my body. I love just trusting and following the flow.
Animal-Speak Quotes
I giggle as later that evening, I transcribe many sections of Keith’s book “Animal-Speak” by Ted Andrews © 1998 – copying quotes from both the Dove and feather sections. There is so much beautiful symbolism that speaks to my heart. I wish I could quote it all, but I will only quote the most profound parts. Following are my favorite quotes:
From page 133 of the section on Doves, a beautiful tie-in to the feminine and mother symbols with which I have been so deeply working:
“The dove has a tremendous wealth of love and legend surrounding it. Most of it centers around all of the traditional feminine and mother symbols …”
From page 134, also in the dove section, more inspiring tie-ins to the mother, feminine, emotional, and creative energies:
“To the Pueblo Indian it was also honored. Its feathers were often worn and used in prayer sticks. The mournful song of the dove was considered an invocation to water and an indication to men where water could be found. …” (Water is symbolic of emotion.)
“The dove is a ground feeder, reflective of keeping contact with mother Earth and the creative possibilities of the feminine energies on earth …”
“The brood of the dove consists of two eggs. Two is a traditional number for the feminine and creative energies …”
“The dove’s song is its most distinctive characteristic. The voice of the dove is the rain song. Out of its mourning, it invokes new waters of life. Its song should remind us that no matter what our life conditions, new waters and new life are still possible. The earth is a female planet, and this should remind us that creation and new birth is available to all of us upon it. The mourning dove helps us to remember that.”
“Although its song is heard throughout the day, it seems more distinct at dawn and dusk. These are the “Between Times” – a time in which there is a thinning of the veils between the physical and the spiritual, the past and the future. The dove can help you to use these times to see the creation process active within your own life.”
From page 93, in Chapter 8, The Mystery of Feathers And Flight, this description of the symbolism of “down feathers” blows me away – being profoundly apropos to exactly what I was working with when the metaphor surfaced :
“They are also excellent for developing or controlling the gift of empathy. Empathy is an ancient healing gift with many variations. With empathy your body becomes an actual barometer for others. The aches, pains, emotions, and attitudes of others are felt within the empathic person’s body as if they were his / her own. This can create expressions of hypochondria if not balanced, but it can also be developed to the point in which you can take another’s illness into yourself. Then you heal it while it is within you. Empathic individuals need to be able to distinguish whether what they feel daily is from themselves or from those they have been around. Down feathers help in this discrimination process.”
White Bird
In 1973, this song was first released as a single performed by the group “It’s A Beautiful Day,” I loved the melody, but never paid any attention to the words. In fact, in those days, my creativity was so shut down that I rarely listened to the lyrics of any song. It was not until perhaps about five years ago that a friend synchronously encouraged me to give it a listen.
As I review these words before turning off the lights on this cool winter’s evening, January 6, 2013, tears form in my eyes. The magical words resonate deeply with my soul – to the soul of a magical white bird trapped in a metaphorical golden cage in my abdomen, desperately needing to fly or she will die.
For most of my life, I was that beautiful magical bird, on a cold and winter’s day in the rain, depressed, unable to fly, desperately trying to find love, but too often sinking into the pain of feeling betrayed by that same love, all the while searching for courage to live the passions of my heart.
Yes, white bird must fly … and she is now beginning to do just that, spreading her wings with a newfound smile on her face and a blossoming giggle in her heart.
White Bird
Words and Music by David and Linda LaFlamme
White bird
In a golden cage
On a winter’s day
In the rain
White bird
In a golden cage
All alone
The leaves blow
Across a long black road
To its darkened sky
In its rage
But the white bird
Just sits in her cage
All alone
White bird must fly or she will die
White bird must fly or she will die
White bird
Dreams of aspen trees
With their dying leaves
Turning gold
But the white bird
Just sits in her cage
Growing old
White bird must fly or she will die
White bird must fly or she will die
The sunset comes
The sunset goes
The clouds roll by but the earth turns slow
And a young bird’s eyes do always glow
She must fly
She must fly
She must fly
She must fly
She must fly
She must fly
White bird
Dreams of aspen trees
With their dying leaves
Turning gold
But the white bird
Just sits in her cage
Growing old
White bird must fly or she will die
White bird must fly
White bird must fly
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved