Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled “The Fabulous Four.”
After a delightful morning in my pajamas, I spend Sunday afternoon, December 16, 2012, in yet-another chocolate ceremony, continuing to work with my metaphorical “Fab Four.” My heart is wide open and alive as I hold a beautiful energy for the group while imagining Gandalf and Yoda as being a metaphorical part of me, rather than something external to me.
Trusting my instincts, I send lots of love and healing energy everywhere, imagining these connections with others on the porch as being energetic rivers that flow into my swamp. As the rivers come near to my swamp, I ask my magical friends to direct the emotional densities to sink into the earth before arriving to add to the level of my own putrid waters. As this happens, I visualize part of my own swamp beginning to drain into Mother Earth as well.
Keith briefly turns to look at me and gives me a huge thumbs up.
“Brenda,” Keith provides feedback before I verbally share anything with him, “You usually flow your density both up to the angels and down to the earth, but today it is flowing down into the earth.”
I smile back, and quickly fill him in on my metaphorical journey, of how I was indeed imagining all of that emotional energy as flowing down, and that I was actually sensing some of it in a discernable way. I do not recall ever telling him that I too have frequently felt that when I work with the densities of others, that the energy flows both ways.
In The Dust
As the ceremony proceeds, I play around with energies, using right brain imagination to express my intent. Repeatedly, I share energy (from afar) with this person or that person, and I observe as their emotional process suddenly shifts in a positive way.
I only giggle as I watch while someone else (especially one particularly visible magical friend) frequently gets the credit for assisting them. I clearly understand that a major part of my journey right now is to heal my need for external validation and feedback. Today, I experience total peace, trusting that the inner validation I am receiving is all that I need.
“I know exactly what I am doing,” I ponder to myself, “and the fact that Keith is praising and acknowledging another is serving me in two ways. It is shoring up their confidence, AND it is giving me that small “I am being ignored” trigger – a trigger that reminds me to find the validation inside of my own heart.”
“When I was extremely tiny,” I continue pondering, “I gave away all of my self-love and personal power to my parents. I became a people pleaser, demanding external feedback in order to know if I was doing things right.”
“It is time to leave that behavior behind me, in the dust,” I giggle with increasing self-confidence.”
Masculine And Feminine Projections
Suddenly, I cannot help but observe an event that triggers me deeply – an event that serves me in unexpected ways. A magical woman (I will call her Amanda) suddenly decides to get tough, getting in the face of a relatively new man on the porch (I will call him Joe). I have been watching Joe for a few ceremonies, and I agree he is massively in ego and in unknowing denial of that fact. Yet, a genuine part of Joe really does want help, and he is here for the right reasons.
Amanda speaks up and is forcefully blunt, telling Joe that everyone on the porch can see what he is doing, that we do not judge him for it, but that he needs to know that it is overflowing with ego and it is time to get real with himself, blah, blah, blah.
On the one hand, I am silently cheering Amanda’s bravery. On the other, I am horrified, because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such an attack.
Immediately, I realize that I am really angry at my own little “Sharon” for being a judgmental magical bitch who is impatient and frustrated by others who keep her shut down – and that I am projecting this anger externally onto Amanda. Almost simultaneously, I recognize that I am also equally angry with little “Bobby” for being genuine-but-stuck, in masculine ego, and in extensive denial. I blame Bobby as being the one who is keeping me stuck, and Joe is a perfect external target onto whom the mirror is reflected and projected.
I could not have asked for a more magical stage play to externally observe what is really going on inside of me. I have two magical energies inside – the feminine and masculine sides – and each is quite displeased with the other.
“This is a beautiful opportunity for me to love both sides of myself,” I ponder. “It is time to love both the bitch and the fixer.”
Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer
“And wait,” I ponder with clarity, “there is a third part of me that needs love too. That is the judger /rescuer that observes the other two with frustration and disdain.”
As clarity increases, I cannot help but remember a few times when Keith has emphasized that true healing requires finding three internal energies, and then involves learning to love and heal each of them. Those three separate energies are the victim, the perpetrator, and the rescuer. It seems that I have found them all. Bobby and Sharon frequently take turns alternating as the victim and perpetrator, and the third part of me is just plain fed up, wanting to help and rescue them both, but not necessarily doing so with love. This third part is frustrated and impatient, tired of their tantrums.
As I ponder with deep clarity, I realize that all three energies are deeply loved parts of me, but each is at war with the other – each refuses to cooperate with other parts – each desperately needs to be loved, hugged, and validated in an appropriate way.
Scuba Certification
Other than the early exchange with Keith, I have no other interaction with him today. The “old me” would have been quite frustrated, feeling abandoned and ignored, using such awareness as an entry point into my God drama projections. The “new me” knows that all is perfect, that this is exactly what I need to build my own inner self-trust.
I profoundly know that today I held a beautiful energetic space for others, and I need no one to tell me that. A sense of self-trust and self-confidence knows that I opened up a little more of my own heart, and did deep inner work on my own, gleaning another layer of profound insight with my own direct inner guidance – and that I need no validation from anyone.
I love this new self-confidence / self-trust upgrade on which I am working.
Everything is perfect. For now, I continue to remain on the wooden platform, above the waters of that putrid swamp. At this point in time, for my own processing safety, I refuse to dive into those deeper, more murky waters until I get my scuba certification in how to take “the light” down there with me.
“I am not in denial about densities,” I giggle to myself as I walk home at the end of the ceremony. “I am just refusing to dig through that mountain with a bent and worn spoon, and am instead working on something more important – learning to use the light as my partner.”
Masculine Resistance
After a beautiful sleep and another lazy morning, I cannot help but giggle when I greet Keith on his porch while preparing for a Monday afternoon ceremony.
“Brenda,” Keith approaches me with a huge grin, “congratulations are in order for your energy lately.”
“In fact,” Keith adds, “it is congratulations on top of congratulations to be more honest.”
Keith then tells me that I am being given an opportunity today to hold space and to share a lot of energy with Joe (the man stuck in ego and denial – the one onto whom I have projected my masculine inner child, little Bobby).
I have watched Joe repeatedly in the last two ceremonies, and my triggers have been somewhat intense. The thought of trying to help him – sharing energy with him – raises a feeling of deeply hidden resistance.
“Brenda,” Keith adds, “sharing energy with him will help release some of your own resistance to receiving love.”
Throughout the ceremony, I share energy from afar, focusing strongly on a channel of energy between us, loving the triggers that surface in my mind. I clearly see this beautiful man as little Bobby. I clearly am repulsed by feelings of that evil, fixing, masculine energy – energy that I have deeply resented (and even embodied) during my life. In fairness to Joe, he is innocent of all of this – it is all my projection of an inner war.
I am deeply moved to see Joe beginning some of his own inner child work, moving into his own healing emotional release in what are real, genuine ways. I am deeply shocked to feel little Sharon’s inner criticism, still ridiculing what she sees, triggered by it, projecting onto it.
Self-Preservation And Social Survival
I am then surprised when Amanda begins to work on her feminine inner child, working with her childhood magic and innocence. As this process unfolds, I find myself regressing to my last two years of elementary school when I used to play with the girls on the playground. I remember how feminine my personality was, how I felt so alienated from the boys’ energy, even then.
I am delighted to clearly remember that, at that time, I actually retained a little of my playfulness and teasing personality. But I am saddened to remember that it was also at those tender ages of ten and eleven when I gradually realized just how much that feminine part got me into trouble, how I intentionally squashed out the final embers of that life-giving feminine fire – desperately trying to fit in with the boys.
In an act of self-preservation and social survival, I slammed the door on that magical girl in my heart, learning to hate her, desperately trying to keep her hidden and out of the public eye.
“I hated this feminine part of me with a passion,” I ponder with sadness. “I fought her, and tried to destroy her. She was ruining my life.”
Little Bobby hated Sharon for getting him in such trouble, and little Sharon hated Bobby for repressing her. It seemed to be a no win situation.
“No wonder I have such an inner war continuing to this day,” I ponder.
An Inner Battle
When Keith begins to work with Joe, it seems that Joe is doing profound processing, and Keith is joyfully congratulating him on where he is at – how he is (at least for now), succeeding in moving energies in a very powerful way.
To my shock, I begin to feel inner anger that Joe is doing things I still struggle to do. Inner projections and triggers, coming from my feminine energies, are livid, feeling betrayed and judgmental that Joe is having success while we are still stuck.
“I want my cookies,” I feel little Sharon call out in jealousy. “How dare this jerk get what he is getting when I have done so much work and still cannot have it!”
To my shock, another woman on the porch goes into a beautiful emotional release and energy upgrade process, and suddenly little Bobby is projecting all over her, feeling angry that she is succeeding, while he is so stuck.
Wow, this battle between my inner children – a raging feud where they each violently blame the other for their oppression and stuckness – is bizarre and intense.
“I am such a total loser and magical dunce,” I feel the inner chatter begin to rage as anger, betrayal, and judgmental emotions surface from ego.
Through this process, I remain calm, loving, and observing, overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am witnessing on the inside, but not taking the bait in an external way, just meditatively keeping an eye on the craziness within.
“This is the point where I would normally take the bait and sink into my self-hating loop of hopeless futility,” I ponder with clarity. “But I am not taking that bait today. I am not giving my power to this inner war between wounded parts of me. They all need my love.”
For most of what is a very intense ceremony (on the inside) I stand on my wooden platform, looking over the metaphorical putrid swamp, calling on the magical healed Bobby, Sharon, Yoda, and mini-Gandalf to help me play with magic while staying just a short level above the raging war in the swamp below.
I refuse to do things the old way. It is not easy. I do spend thirty minutes whimpering with a small stream of tears, but I do not lose myself in the pain.
A Glimpse Of Easy
Finally it hits me.
“I still need to let myself feel these emotions,” I ponder, “but I need to do it from this higher-energy platform. The light CAN and WILL help me if I believe and imagine it to be so.”
I immediately focus on allowing the painful emotions to surface, while simultaneously reminding myself of the handful of times when I have allowed the light to work its magic on the easy bus.
A spark of intuition tells me to invite my mother’s Higher-Self essence to presence herself in front of me, and I ask her to please take back all of this anger and judgment. It is quite clear that I learned most of it from her – that she gave it to me when she lovingly-but-brutally coerced me to shut down that magical part of me.
“I hate my magical inner children because she hated them,” I ponder. “I became her. I became the oppressor of my magical side. I give this all back to her.”
Suddenly, within a minute or two, the anger and judgment simply vanish – slowly but completely. It is a beautiful and peaceful energy – yet I feel somewhat shell-shocked, and I spend the remainder of the ceremony in an energy akin to post-traumatic stress.
Post-Traumatic Triggers
Eventually, Keith checks in with me and I share details of the intense journey.
“Congratulations for doing it with the light,” Keith shares.
He then asks me to hug another woman on the porch, a process that serves us both. Later, as another friend goes into deep inner child work – triggered by my own process – I hold space while again experiencing more of Sharon’s judgment running through me. It seems that as I do this, I am able to replace most of this layer of judgment by seeing the magical beauty of my friend.
“I am really proud of you for your beautiful energy today,” Keith again congratulates me as I slip out of the ceremony a tiny bit early.
I feel very complete, peacefully content, and excited to participate in an extra chocolate ceremony tomorrow. I will be traveling with Keith (and a couple of other beautiful magical women) to a yoga retreat center, where I will assist in holding space.
Later, as I sit in my living room, that sensation of post-traumatic stress returns, as does a great deal of ego chatter demanding that I deserve more attention, assistance, and validation on the porch.
As I meditate, I realize that this is a very common pattern – a blind trigger that almost always sucks me into a God drama loop after having had a magical day where inner projections were deeply triggered, and where I did most of the work without assistance from Keith.
“All is perfect,” I remind myself, refusing to take the bait, recognizing how many times I HAVE taken that bait in the past. “This is just the loop-part of me demanding that I go into crazy chaos and dysfunction after so much inner pain was triggered – demanding that I feel upset and betrayed.”
I giggle as I realize how much progress I am making – how many insights are gelling and coming together – even in the midst of old patterns demanding that I listen and feel betrayed.
Holding Space, Holding Bobby
As I sit in the beautiful surroundings of the yoga retreat center, early Tuesday afternoon, I am surprised by the level of resistance and stuckness I feel from many in the group. I do my best to hold a powerful space, imagining my heart energy reaching out and surrounding everyone in the room. I actually feel quite powerful as I step out of my head, using my right brain, simply visualizing what I want to happen, and getting out of the way with rational mind.
Finally, Keith gets tough with one powerful man in the group who is unknowingly-but-energetically influencing others. I love watching Keith masterfully follow his guidance to turn a very stuck situation into one that turns into magic for all.
In the late stages of a beautiful empath training, I begin to realize that I am taking things in and feel exhausted and overwhelmed by my own process. Soon, I move out of the circle, sit against the back wall, and just focus inward, trying to maintain my high vibration connection.
Ego is again chattering – telling me how I have done some pretty magical space holding, but am being totally ignored by Keith and others around me … blah, blah, blah, poor me, whining ego. I just observe and thank ego for letting me know, but refuse to take the bait.
Increasingly, I am exhausted from trying to be strong, just sitting with my eyes closed.
Soon, two powerful members of the yoga group sit beside me against the back wall, one on each side. We do not work directly together, but I continue trying to hold space for them as Keith works with each from a short distance away.
Meanwhile, I increasingly focus inward while hugging my little teddy bear. I am rapidly losing strength – focusing on bringing in self-love to help me through this process. This beautiful little Bobby-bear has become my constant companion at every chocolate ceremony, and right now, I am experiencing a deep connection with him as representing my wounded and tired little boy.
Resistance And Rejection
“I have to be the rock for others,” I hear a nearby young man express through tears while doing profound processing.
These words deeply trigger me, reminding me how I have spent my whole life trying to be the strength for others – contributing to the exhaustion I feel right now.
“Connect with your mother’s pure essence,” Keith eventually guides the woman to my left, helping her do some deep healing with her mother’s higher energies.
As I follow along, trying to again imagine my mother’s Higher Self standing in front of me, I lose composure. Rather than feeling my mother joining me, I experience extremely stiff resistance and anger toward my mother – even toward her Higher Self.
“This is deep God drama stuff projected onto my mother,” strong intuitions whisper in my ear. “It is so strong that even her Higher Essence’s purity and innocence is rejected by me.”
I feel a strong inner clamor demanding an apology from my mother before I will allow her to connect with or help me. This part of me surfacing from the swamp is livid, deeply betrayed by unresolved childhood pain.
The pain and emotions of betrayal running through me are so intense that I sit alone, whimpering in isolation for the remainder of the ceremony. I do not get totally lost in the emotion. In fact, I am quite proud of myself for staying on the surface. Nevertheless, the emotions are so strong that I feel deeply traumatized and incapable of doing anything other than isolating and struggling to stay on top of that platform with my Fabulous Four, refusing to jump in without my advanced scuba training, knowing I will certainly drown if I do.
Journey To The Edge
As the group ceremony ends, everyone stands up, holding hands. I remain isolated, keeping my head down, fighting back the tears that I know will gush forth if I stand up and join hands with others.
To my shock, a dear friend – one of the teachers of this particular yoga retreat – walks over, grabs my hand, lifts me up, and asks me to please join her. If it were any other person I likely would have resisted, but I love this beautiful friend, and know it is important to let this love in, not just from her, but from the whole group.
As I stand in the circle, tears gush down my cheeks – and as I later write about this experience, tears again trickle mildly.
As the room vacates, many beautiful friends stop by to hug me. Soon, however, all I can do is return to my cushion against the wall, just wanting to isolate and sink into this pain. Even in this attempted isolation, several others (including leaders of the retreat) come over and make beautiful connection and conversation with me, letting me know how much they appreciate my presence. I am quite shocked because I have been around a few of these people before, and they have rarely spoken a whole sentence to me. Now there is a beautiful heart conversation unfolding. I love how my new energy is manifesting magical things.
But as the room empties, I remain on the edge feeling intense emotion. A huge part of me wants to give up and go swimming in that swamp. I refuse to do so. I actually feel a tangible flow of Higher Energy flowing through me, but the combination of this energy along with the intense emotion I am feeling makes me just want to crawl into a hole. I want to be alone, to be away from the energy of others, and to sit in this place by myself.
Self-Discovering Observations
When most people have finally left the room, I overhear Keith tell a few people that he needs to go work with Brenda.
“I am in a very good but deeply confusing place,” I share with Keith as he sits in front of me.
“Congratulations Brenda,” Keith shares with deep compassion, thanking me for my participation today. “You are beginning to let some of the self-love in.”
As Keith and my two friends begin to walk out of the room, I continue to sit by myself against a far wall, still not wanting to move out of the process I am in.
“Come on Brenda,” Keith calls out, “walk with us.”
I stand up and force myself to join my friends, walking down steps and a dirt path leading back to the kitchen area where we will have dinner. But even back with the group, I remain quiet, avoiding conversation unless spoken to. I continue to be delighted by how nice most people are being to me, even in my emotional isolation.
“Something is definitely changing in magical ways with my energy,” I ponder, “because everyone around me is reacting so differently … so beautifully. Last year, when something like this happened, I felt judged. Now, I feel loved.”
During dinner, I do manage to partially cheer up and rejoin the group energy. I even eventually reach a space where I am able to smile, dance, and sing during a fire ceremony in which the yoga people invite us to participate.
I go home feeling happy – but still wanting to crawl into a hole. I am deeply exhausted and crave isolation and alone time. I am connected in very powerful ways to a great deal of the underlying painful energy that has dominated the behind-the-scenes currents of my life.
Separation And Balance
After a difficult sleep, I spend Wednesday morning in continued struggle, allowing emotion to surface – permitting myself to go into deep sobbing and dry heaving. I am quite proud of myself for doing so without getting lost. I am somewhat successful in bringing in the light and completing the process on the sort-of easy bus – but I remain deeply drained, struggling to not identify with new waves of this emotion that pass through me.
This emotion is very convincing. It wants to consume me. I am quite clear there is no basis in present day reality that would even remotely justify this emotion. It is old, very old, deep pain – yet it is undeniably real, and I am feeling it as if it were originating right now.
By 8:00 a.m., I give up on emotional release, scribble a few notes for later, and isolate myself in a morning of movies, desperately trying to maintain separation and balance. I have been sticking my toes in that swamp and am terrified that if I go any further, I will most certainly fall in and drown.
Go There
Early Wednesday afternoon, as my fourth chocolate ceremony in as many days gets underway, Keith unexpectedly turns and speaks to me.
“Brenda,” Keith guides with a firm-but-loving tone, “you have a choice today as to which path you would follow.”
“Keith,” I respond through mild tears. “I am still on the edge, perched above my betrayal loop, feeling the intensity of the energy trying to draw me in. I am refusing to go in there, knowing I will drown, but I am unable to bring in Higher Energy to help me. I am at a standoff, and I am frightened.”
“Go down in there,” Keith encourages me.
“I am terrified to go in there,” I respond with mild panic. “I know that if I do, that it will consume me and I WILL get lost. Are you sure you want me to go down there?”
“Trust me,” Keith responds. “Allow yourself to go in there.”
Massive Projections
As I tiptoe around my wooden platform, trying to find the courage to step slowly into my swamp, Joe’s behavior on the porch today is triggering me intensely. I will not go into the details. Suffice it to say that Joe seems to magically push every one of the triggers surrounding my unhealed perceptions of dysfunctional, controlling, ego-based, denying, clueless masculine behavior.
In my mind, I imagine him saying, “Look at me, I am God’s gift to Keith’s porch.” In many ways, he is triggering the same emotions that Paul triggered in me during most of last year – causing me to panic that I am going to manifest another year with Paul, but in a different body.
It takes me a while, but I am eventually able to recognize that Joe is just an external projection of my mother’s masculine side – of my visions of her having a dominant controlling energy – an energy of pushing, fixing, and knowing what is good for me, while ignoring my own feelings.
But try as I might, I cannot reel in the disgust that I feel projected onto Joe. I know it has nothing to do with Joe, but that rational-mind understanding does little to calm the emotional side.
An Emotional Standoff
“Keith,” I share a while later, “I am trying to find love for the inner ‘projector’ in me – for the vicious inner judging energy – for the part of me that disgusts me because of the vitriol that it projects outward. I am desperately trying to reel it in, knowing that it is really anger at my inner children. I clearly see that my inner children do not deserve this anger, and that I am actually still taking on the parenting role with the energy of my mother and cultural conditioning.”
“Regardless of the insights, however,” I continue, “I cannot find resolution to what I am experiencing, and I refuse to go into the emotion here during the ceremony. I know that I either need to explode into intense emotional release … or else I need to bring in the light to help me.”
“But I am so far down in this emotional swamp that I WILL NOT bring in the light. The emotion has such a grip on me that I want nothing to do with the light. It makes no sense to rational mind, but I know that I am angry at the light.”
I sit on the porch, at war with this emotion, refusing to go any deeper, terrified to go into emotional release because I know the result will be embarrassing and not pretty. I am baffled and overwhelmed by how massively intense my resistance is right now. The overwhelmingly dominant energy in me absolutely refuses to cooperate with Higher Energies – refuses to let this emotion leave me in the easy-bus way – insisting that the light is to blame and not to be trusted, blah, blah, blah…
I am in a hopeless standoff – one that is strikingly familiar. But this time I am in a very different place. I am aware of the intensity of the crazy emotion … and I am profoundly aware of the insane resistance in me that absolutely refuses to cooperate with Higher Energies of any type – that feels so angry and betrayed that the last energy I will trust is that effing light and Divine Love.
Journey To Self-Discovery
Finally, at 5:00 p.m., desperately stuck and unable to move forward, I stand up and begin to leave.
“Are you checking out for the day,” Keith asks as I begin to walk down the steps.
“Yeah, I am deep and lost in that loop,” I respond. “I am observing myself, loving myself, and giving myself permission to be there. I am blown away by the absolute rebellion and refusal to allow the light, blah, blah, blah.”
Keith briefly counsels me to be less attached, and I try to reassure him that I am not attached, but he does not seem to believe me.
Right now, I trust myself, I trust my process, and I know that even in the midst of what appears to be a massive meltdown, that I am gaining profound insights into the crazy emotions that continue to dominate this phase of my life.
“I am exactly where I need to be,” I remind myself as I walk home. “I am learning about myself, and I am utterly disgusted by what I do – by my inner temper tantrum – by the putrid stuff that I make up out of nothing, and then sling outside in the form of projection. I am disgusted by the inner eraser that ignores everything positive, and causes me to see only the pain – to remember only the negative. And I am disgusted by the ego voices who demand that I believe myself to be am abandoned loser.”
I clearly see the truth of all of this now. But seeing and understanding this truth does not help much with the raging emotion that has its fingers wrapped around my neck, pulling me toward that swamp.
Childhood Reenactments
Overwhelmed by the intense emotion, I give myself permission to release it on the hard bus. Once in my apartment, I lock myself in my bedroom, arrange two large stuffed pillows on the floor, and I unleash the fury – unloading the anger, sobbing, dry heaving, more sobbing, coughing, more dry heaving, etc…
Finally, feeling much better – much lighter – I walk back over to Keith’s home to see if the ceremony is still in progress. As I arrive, people are just leaving.
“You came back,” Keith smiles at me when we have a moment to briefly talk.”
“Yeah, I wanted to apologize for my energy today,” I respond. “I needed to scream and yell, and I could not do that publicly. I do not feel safe doing that in the group anymore. In fact, I refuse to do it in group now.”
“That is your creation you know,” Keith counsels me.
“Yeah, I get that,” I reply. “I just do not want to repeat last year all over again, and I am beginning to do just that with my projections onto Joe. He is a beautiful man, but he is triggering the hell out of me … coming from my own self-hatred at my little inner boy.”
“I can’t do the emotional release on this porch, because I refuse to do that to Joe and to the porch. I want to do it differently. I want to access the light first.”
Keith acts distracted and does not give me much feedback. In fact, I sense that he is busy, wants me to leave, and even has an energy of annoyance with my lingering presence.
Rather than take this personally, I realize that I too am creating this reality – attracting this manifestation (whether real or imagined I do not know) – and that I am merely being given a great reflection of the mirror I am working with right now.
I quickly thank Keith for his time, and excuse myself.
“This is exactly how I felt as a child,” I ponder as I walk home. “As a child, I did not feel appreciated, honored, validated, or respected. I was just kind of a pariah for all of my emotional crying. I felt as if I was just in the way … just tolerated.”
Rather than allow myself to feel upset and go further down the density-hole, I grab my notebook and do some intense speed writing, exploring all of the self-hatred that was triggered by today’s journey.
Confusing Hesitation
Thursday, as midday approaches, I am drained and numb, still in the midst of the emotional loop, feeling rebellious, not even sure if I trust that Keith will be able to help me, especially since he has told me on so many occasions that there is nothing further he can say that will help me.
I honestly have to coerce myself to go to the private student ceremony, because I really do not want to go. I am totally back on that fence, feeling like abandoning San Marcos, going off on my own in a different direction, clearly knowing that I will continue my emotional healing wherever I go.
“Welcome, Brenda,” Keith greets me with a huge grin. “How are you today?”
“Wow,” I ponder, “this is the first time since being back in San Marcos where I have felt like I was really even wanted on the porch.”
(NOTE: I know this is all my creation … part of my process … because as I write about these last few days, I clearly see from my notes that Keith greeted me with great comments, doing so several times.)
“I’ve had better days,” I respond to Keith as a wave of tears suddenly blindsides me.
Immediately, I turn around and do not step onto the porch. Instead, I just look away toward Lake Atitlan, walk down a few steps, and sit on a rock, nursing my tears while still being unsure as to whether or not I will join the ceremony.
Finally, a beautiful young woman that I met last year – a very magical soul – comes and sits on the steps next to me. She provides beautiful feedback on how profoundly I helped her the first time I shared energy with her last year. I am blown away because I have never had a conversation with this young woman, and did not even think she liked me.
We connect on a beautiful heart level, each sharing our respective journeys and struggles, sharing love and respect. She says exactly what I need to hear … exactly what I need to help keep my head above the waters of that swamp.
Finally, I feel so good that I decide to come up to the porch, drink chocolate, and join the ceremony.
Misunderstood And Accused
Keith quickly turns to work with me.
“Brenda, you are being given a choice today as to which path you will walk down, blah, blah, blah,” Keith begins.
It is almost the exact same speech that he warned me with yesterday. I do not perceive much compassion in his presentation.
I quickly explain that I have been deep in that loop – the one he encouraged me to go down into yesterday, even though we both knew I would get lost.
“I am feeling so much relief after that short conversation just now,” I try to explain. “I feel like I am finally able to bring in a little self-love again.”
Keith then launches into a series of statements that I deeply perceive as attack and make-wrong.
First, he scolds me for needing that conversation for rational mind validation and feedback to settle me, telling me this is part of my loop, and that it is not working. I feel as if he is deeply criticizing my refusal to move forward in my process, yet what I just went through in the last twenty-four hours has been deeply educational to my moving forward. And in my heart, I clearly know that the conversation I just completed was not whiny victimization poor me story-telling stuff; it was genuine compassionate sharing between two individuals trying to help each other in raising our vibrations so we can go deeper. I feel deeply misunderstood and unjustly accused.
Then, Keith begins to speak to me in what I perceive as his “tough ass roll, speaking with emphasis” voice. I perceive his tone as a make-wrong scolding voice, totally devoid of compassion or validation for my process.
Still An Inside Job
Before proceeding with this story, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I absolutely know the emotions raging through me to be a fabrication of ego – but an extremely strong and overwhelming fabrication that has me tightly squeezed by the neck.
I clearly know that Keith has my best interest at heart and that he is deeply connected to Higher Guidance, but I also clearly know that Keith is human, dealing with his own growth and projections while working with others. I have indeed seen this human side.
In my perception, I recognize that three very distinct possibilities are all quite real – and none of them matter in the least when it comes to my process.
The first possibility is that Keith is deeply guided, that according to this guidance and the highest good, he is playing an inspired role for me, intentionally (or perhaps unknowingly) pushing my buttons in this stage-play of life to trigger me to a decision point.
The second possibility is that Keith is so deeply entrenched in his own issues that he is acting in a very dense and insensitive manner, just projecting his own impatience and frustration onto me.
The third possibility – one that is extremely possible at this point – is that I am so lost in my own pain that I am literally creating an imaginary reality. In this reality, I am making everything up, and no matter what others on my stage may do or witness, I am perceiving my own personal hell in which I see what is not there and react to what is not present – seeing only my pain projected externally.
I am quite clear, as Keith has skillfully trained me to understand, that it does not matter what the motivation of others may or may-not be when I am triggered. The only thing that matters is that WHEN I am triggered, I turn it around and go on an INSIDE journey, finding the source of my own unhealed wounds that would react so profoundly.
But in the moment, I feel a need to take back my power, regardless of what is really happening.
Dual Demands
“Brenda,” Keith continues his firm speech. “Quit beating around the bush and actually OWN your God drama. Stop saying that it is just that dominant part of you … but instead say that YOU want to throw this tantrum and refuse to cooperate.”
I feel deeply humiliated as Keith publicly repeats this demand in front of a group of people who do not understand what I am going through. I DO deeply own, that deep down inside, behind my blinders, I am the one doing this, but I refuse to admit that the observer part of me (the part speaking right now) is the one doing it. It just does not make sense.
“Keith,” I respond in frustration, “I understand my God drama, better than ever. I absolutely understand that I am lost in an inner temper tantrum that is stronger than I am right now. I understand that I am projecting a made-up reality from childhood, projecting it onto present-day worlds and people. I absolutely DO OWN this … I own that this is stronger than me right now.”
“Brenda,” Keith emphasizes in what I perceive as a harsh tough-love tone. “You need to own that it is YOU, not some other part of you.”
“Keith,” I access my power and firmly defend myself. “This is NOT the way to treat and help me when I am in the middle of this loop. I know this stuff that you are telling me … and I know I am doing it.”
“But I need love and compassion, NOT a lecture and scolding.” I speak with firm confidence.
“I deserve to be treated with compassion, no matter how stuck I am. I know what I am doing, I am right where I need to be in my process, gaining more insight every day, and there is nothing wrong with where I am at.”
“I am going home to work on it my way,” I tell Keith while standing up and gathering my belongings. “Thank you very much.”
Get Back In here
I know I am not just playing games, and I am not looking for people to beg me to come back. I am confident that I can complete my inner healing journey anywhere in the world – and I know that I will – I know that my guides will take me wherever I need to go next. I deserve better treatment from a teacher. I am leaving and am not really sure if I will come back. I feel deep gratitude for Keith’s guidance over the last couple of years, and because of him, I have many tools to help me continue healing wherever I may end up.
By the time I am half way down the steps, several people on the porch engage me in conversation, encouraging me to please stay. I talk back and forth with them, explaining that I am in a good place right now, with a clear understanding of what I am doing.
“I know the game I am playing with my God drama, and I am not denying that,” I again speak out loud. “But I just do not deserve to be scolded, criticized, and made wrong by a teacher. I need compassionate help … patient help.”
“Get back in here, Brenda,” Keith finally changes to a more compassionate tone and points his finger at my pillow.
I reluctantly rejoin the group, ready to stand up again and walk out at any time. I am not playing games. I deserve compassion from a teacher in my healing process, no matter how stuck I might be. My heart is now, and always has been pure, totally deserving of compassion. I will tolerate nothing less.
An Inside Job
I am delighted when Angela, a friend who has at times jumped on my case in harsh ways, speaks with loving and powerful compassion, encouraging me to see this with different eyes.
“Brenda,” Angela suggests, “have you considered that perhaps this experience is designed to trigger you into your power … into owning that power?”
I interrupt Angela and begin to thank her while at the same time ignoring her.
“Whoa, Brenda,” Keith interrupts me, “Listen to what Angela is saying.”
Immediately, light bulbs of understanding flash in my head. I key into the energetic realization that Keith is agreeing with Angela, that what I am doing right now is some type of productive way to empower me, to find and own my inner power.
“It makes so much sense.” I ponder silently. “When I say that I deserve to be treated with love and compassion, I am really demanding from the outside the very thing that I am still NOT giving to myself on the inside. This is an opportunity to empower myself, to give myself the love that I gave up. As a child, I outsourced my love and validation to my parents, giving them all the power. When I love and have compassion for myself, I have the power within, not needing it from any outside source.”
“Keith was playing the role of my mother,” I share a new flash of insight with the group. “She invalidated me as a child, scolding me and making me wrong, destroying my self-trust, and taking away all of my power. Whether he knows it or not, Keith just played that role for me so that I could take back my power.”
Even with saying these words, I continue to deeply resent Keith’s treatment of me (perceived or real) … I remain struggling in my judgment loop.
An Empowering Conversation
“Can I say something Brenda?” Joe interjects himself into the conversation, one where several others have already given me feedback.
“No, not right now,” I respond with a smile and giggle. “You are one of the people on the porch who triggers me most right now, so I don’t think I can hear advice from you.”
“Thank you for saying that Brenda,” the young woman who was talking to me earlier on the steps backs me up. “Joe’s behavior is really triggering me too.”
“I know this is my bullshit projecting my own inner child issues onto you,” I then explain to Joe, “but your ‘I-am-God’s-gift-to-the-porch-energy’, your distractions, your out-of-place vocal sounds, and your fixing energy is triggering me deeply.”
“I absolutely know that this is MY projection … MY bullshit,” I try to soften what I have said. “Please own what you will … whatever you believe might be yours … and please ignore the rest of what I am projecting.”
“I feel very empowered for speaking my truth,” I explain to Keith and Angela. “I now see Joe as actually playing my mother for me in an external stage-play way – reminding me of that squirt bottle metaphor where my mother was all over, trying to fix things before they were broken.”
“But speaking up makes me feel like I am a bitch,” I express my feelings of guilt. “I think I learned a belief system at a very young age, demanding that I just keep my feelings to myself, telling me that it was evil, bad, and/or bitchy to speak my truth.”
“Your energy already feels much lighter,” Keith smiles at me.
“Yeah, I agree,” Angela pipes in.
Residual Processing
Wow, I am unprepared for what happens next.
Almost immediately, a young man seated next to me goes into deep childhood stuff, all beautifully triggered by my having the courage to speak up on the porch today. His processing is beautiful. Then another woman goes into her own wave of mother stuff, and then another, and then another – even Angela goes into her own beautiful processing because of what just took place.
“Go hold space for Angela,” Keith shocks me with his next guidance.
“I don’t want to right now,” I protest. “I am still deep in my own process … in my own stuckness … and I don’t feel qualified to share unconditionally loving energy right now.”
“Brenda,” Keith insists, “please trust me, and at least go sit with her.”
I reluctantly move my cushions and sit by Angela, who is reclined on the ground.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts again. “Put your hand over her and give her some of that beautiful and magical, pure loving energy that you always share.”
“Keith,” I try to protest, “I am still deep in my own crap. My energy is not flowing right now.”
Finally, I trust Keith’s continued insistence, and do as he asks. As I place my hand a few inches above Angela’s solar plexus, Keith speaks to Angela and guides her to give me absolute honest feedback.
“Brenda, what is pouring out of your hand is pure love,” Keith provides feedback first.
“I feel an incredible warmth in my solar plexus where your hand is,” Angela quickly adds. “Your energy is amazing and very pure.”
Fears Of Integrity
Meanwhile, as I continue sharing energy, I am sobbing. Angela and I have frequently played inspired roles for each other, triggering each other by playing the opposite ends of each other’s scripts. Giving her this pure energy is deeply healing, and deeply frightening for me – kind of like allowing Higher Energy in the midst of my God drama betrayal.
“Keith,” I speak through my sobs, again expressing my hesitation “I haven’t shared energy for most of the last year and a half because it feels so much like fixing, especially since I have been struggling so much myself”
“Brenda,” Keith reiterates something he told me before, “there is not a fixing bone in your body.
Angela nods with a huge grin.
“I have too much integrity to share energy when I am in my shit.” I continue to explain myself. “I still believe that I must live in that cockroach infested drug house until I clean it all up on the inside – that I cannot move into the higher dimensional energy until I first clean up all the lower dimensional stuff. My integrity will not allow me to do so.”
More than ever, I clearly understand this metaphor that Keith had shared in my very first ceremony with him, back in the summer of 2010. For whatever reason, I still will not allow myself to partake in a higher dimension until I first clean up the lower one. Perhaps this is another element of my God Drama – believing that I do not deserve a nicer place until I first do everything to clean up where I am.
Energy Transparency
As the process continues, an ice cream truck drives by. The inner child metaphor takes Angela and another woman even deeper into their respective processes.
“Get in there and help Angela more,” Keith insists.
Immediately I focus intense love through my hand over Angela’s abdomen, imagining my inner children going down to support her inner child in her own intense journey.
Keith quickly gives me a huge strong compliment on what I am doing, telling me how my energy is profoundly helping Angela.
This process of sharing goes on for a very long time as Angela continues processing. I sob and cry periodically as Keith then works with both of us regarding my fears of energy integrity (and Angela’s too).
Keith does several experiments, first asking me to allow my own dense energy to flow out of my hand into Angela. I express my refusal, saying I do not want to do that.
“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “It just started flowing,”
Angela quickly confirms that she feels it now. Keith then works with Angela to teach her how to be transparent, to allow the pure parts of my unconditional love to come into her heart, while effortlessly and automatically sending the rest of the denser energies directly to transmutation.
We play with this process in several combinations. I do not feel much different, but Angela, being deeply sensitive to energies, feels it all, receiving a powerful lesson in energy transparency.
I myself come away with profound understanding of the possibilities – but it is an understanding mostly in the rational mind – one that I will gradually begin to understand in the future.
As the process finishes up, Angela and I giggle together, and I play peek-a-boo for a minute with a silly playfulness. In fact, more than half the people on the porch give me beautiful feedback at this point, telling me how grateful they are that I had the courage to do what I did so that they would go into their own processing.
“I have so much repressed joy inside, but it is so covered up by crap,” I express my concerns.
“I can see it,” Angela soon responds.
“So can I,” Several others immediately add.
In fact, Angela is quite firm in the feedback that she felt profound energy coming out of me today, and that she is never going to let me forget who I am and what I can do, regardless of how lost I might be.
Loving Connections
“Thank you for being here today,” Keith tells me as I prepare to leave.
I feel Keith’s genuine energy as he shares this statement. And now, more than ever, I know that the whole situation of the last five days was a beautiful setup, just as Angela suggested – a setup designed by my Higher Self to get me to find and take hold of more self-love, more self-compassion, more self-trust.
As I walk home, I bump into an older woman from Europe – one that has been on the porch many times. After a big hug, we lock arms around each other’s waist, touch heads, and walk toward my home like two schoolgirls, giggling and talking all the way. As we stand at the bottom of my gate, I feel a tap on my back, and get hugs from two other beautiful friends who live in San Marcos.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle, “my energies really are shifting. I am manifesting loving connections everywhere I go.”
After spending most of the evening in a state of exhaustion, I find myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, just before retiring.
“I love you,” I smile at that beautiful reflection. “I promise to always give you the love and compassion that you deserve.”
I spend the next ten minutes talking to myself with this pure love and compassion, glimmering in my own reflection, reminding myself of all the things and reasons why I deserve to treat my self with such self-love.
“Wow,” I giggle as I rest on my pillow, “I really get it. I really deserve to be treated with compassion, and it all starts with me, as an inside job.”
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved