As I wake up on Wednesday morning, this first day of August 2012, my internet connection is again down. It seems that, for whatever reason, the Universe is giving me a message that I have not yet figured out. For a few days now, the wireless internet has been very flaky from late afternoon, throughout the night, and into mid-morning the next day. Today, it begins working again just after 8:30 a.m., just in time for me to begin writing.
I can only giggle, however, when the wireless internet again disappears as I prepare to do my first edit on, “An Unholy Trinity.” Eager to post, I walk down and talk to the owner of the internet café. He is just as puzzled as I am, because the internet itself is working … just not the wireless. Finally, I convince him to let me bring my computer down to the internet café, to plug into a direct line, and to sit working on his back patio after normal closing hours. It is shortly after 8:30 p.m. when I finally click the “publish button” sharing this unexpected story … about how a young friend, so drunk that he probably does not remember much of anything, had helped me so profoundly.
Creation Questions
When I return home to prepare dinner, I note that a party has barely begun on the third floor of an unfinished apartment, just across the path, in between my apartment and the basketball court. Already, loud trance music is rumbling like nearby thunder with a deafening beat, less than ten feet away, right above the roof of my bedroom – a roof that is very thin.
When Sufi tells me that she overheard someone say that the owner of that building wants to start hosting regular parties as a way to earn more money, I begin to feel deep emotions of frustration – emotions that I harness and control, but that are raging on the inside.
“Please wait to call the police until after I have a chance to dance for a while,” Sufi giggles at me as she hurries out the door to join the party.
The whole scenario triggers deep social anxiety from teenage years. I really do not enjoy such social situations, not at all. As I sit in my bedroom, attempting to meditate and remain calm while loud trance music drowns out the silence, I start to question my reality.
“If they do more parties like this, I will freak out,” I ponder in frustration. “But I know this is somehow my creation, and that I am energetically attracting it. Why am I manifesting this? Why am I suddenly creating a situation where my internet has gone from reliable to extremely flaky, in just a matter of days? Why am I creating a situation where my bedroom is suddenly ten feet away from what could turn into a loud party scene on a regular basis? What is the message that I am supposed to glean here?”
What Do I Do?
“Is it time to move to a different place?” I ponder with an open mind. “Perhaps it is time to leave San Marcos completely? Or maybe this is an opportunity for me to learn to set loving-but-firm boundaries? Perhaps I need to call the local police to ask them to enforce local party regulations, or contact my own landlord, telling him that I will move out, and that he will have a hard time renting out this apartment unless HE does something to alleviate the situation.”
I am not really inclined to want to do anything. I continue to have a strong aversion to conflict in any form … but I am no longer afraid to stand up in a loving way IF my heart eventually guides me to do so.
Right now, however, I am not receiving any such guidance. Instead, I am just allowing myself to feel the emotions while meditating with an open mind, genuinely questioning and pondering all options – genuinely considering the possibility that this may be a message from the Universe telling me to “pull up my roots” and go in a completely different direction.
Shortly before midnight, I finally use some earplugs and manage to fall asleep. At just before 1:00 a.m., I briefly wake up to the sounds of loud party-yelling on the street below my window. The music has stopped, and the loud almost-shouting partiers appear to be dispersing in a very noisy way. Soon, I peacefully drift back to sleep.
Suddenly Surging Anger
Thursday morning, August 2, 2012, I again awaken to a non-functioning internet – one that does not allow me to connect until shortly after 8:30 a.m..
I am determined to write today, but as I begin to read my notes from June 29, inner emotions begin to rage. Nitpicky victim voices suddenly begin to scream in my head … demanding justice … demanding an apology.
“How dare they speak to me like that!” these voices clamor for validation. “Even though the final results of that chocolate ceremony were beautiful, the way I was treated was totally inappropriate, blah, blah, blah …”
My task today is to write about my final chocolate ceremony of the season – one where Keith had firmly confronted me about owning my God drama, and then “Catherine,” and a few others, had blindsided me with confrontational, invalidating attacks to my process in general.
I cannot write … there is too much anger suddenly surging in my soul. In fact, I am extremely pissed. Soon, a round of emotional release consumes me, and I allow it to flow freely.
An Inside Responsibility
Finally, I decide that – while I cannot write at this moment – that I can begin to lay the groundwork for future writing.
First, I ponder all of the healing I have done on Keith’s magical porch – healing where agonizing emotions have been deeply triggered – healings where deep core issues have been projected onto others, and even onto Keith.
“Whether I am playing a divinely inspired role for you, or if I am being a dense jerk asshole, it does not matter to you,” I ponder what Keith has told me several times. “Either way, your only job is to look inside and to heal your own triggers. If I am being a dense jerk asshole, it is my job to go inside and look at that.”
“Right now, I am seeing “Catherine” as a dense jerk asshole,” I ponder with clarity. “But for all I know, she was deeply connected to inner guidance when she spoke those harsh words to me criticizing my process. Perhaps she really was divinely inspired to do and say what she did. But it should not matter to me what her motives might have been … because either way, her behavior served me, and the growth I experienced was phenomenal. I did go inside, and I did heal my side of the script, in powerful ways.”
Comforting Conversations
Finally, at around 10:30 a.m., I take a walk. It has been a long time since I just went out for a casual stroll. In the course of my desperately needed “change in focus,” I also bring closure to several loose ends on my unwritten to-do list. First, I take a few photos on the boat dock – photos that I need for upcoming photo postings. Then I engage in a few very comforting conversations.
While talking to the owner of a nearby hotel and restaurant, I learn that city regulations do clearly state that all commercial parties need to end by 11:00 p.m. – and in the opinion of my friend, the party last night was clearly commercial in nature (since it was held in space rented out by a commercial business). In another conversation with Isaias, I acquire and program the number of the local police into my cell phone. I giggle inside, because I know that the “police department” consists of two young men who are on twenty-four hour duty, living and sleeping in the municipal building, occasionally walking around in their uniforms.
At this point, I am much more peaceful about the party … and I have no intention of doing anything until clear guidance prompts me from within … but at least I now have my facts and numbers, just in case guidance encourages me to use them.
And then, as I sit in a small local comedor (kitchen/restaurant) operated by a local Mayan family, I engage in delightful social conversation with a retired couple from California.
Roommate Ponderings
When I return home from a delightful half-day away from normal routine, I can only giggle with frustration when the wireless internet is again nonfunctional. I still have no idea what is going on, but it is quite clear that circumstances around me are doing everything they can to trigger my buttons … and that my job is to remain the observer, to feel the flow of emotions, to learn from them, to respond with love, and to wait for deeper guidance.
As I sit meditating for a while, I suddenly have a clear prompting that it is time for me to ask my roommate Sufi, to leave – to move on – to find her own place. She has now been here three months – much longer than either of us ever expected.
I have maintained a very different attitude ever since that conversation with Keith in early May … a conversation where Keith encouraged me to wait a week before making any decisions about asking Sufi to leave after she triggered me by using up my tiny toothpaste tube. In that conversation, Keith had pointed out to me that Sufi was gently and lovingly triggering me in ways that I needed for my growth … and that if I asked her to leave, such triggers would likely come around in another way, with the whispers converting to potential shouts.
Peaceful Knowing
Since that day, Sufi and I have had repeated open and loving conversations in which we have constantly told each other that we each crave our privacy – that we each want our own apartment without roommates. But every time a trigger or frustration made me want to send her packing, I would check in with my heart, and my heart would invariably respond “not yet, Sufi is serving a beautiful purpose in my life.”
In early July, when I began my writing marathon, I desperately wanted privacy so that I could focus without distractions, but again, the inner guidance was very strong, saying, “No, not yet, Sufi belongs here right now.”
As it turns out, Sufi’s presence was a beautiful contribution to my process throughout most all of July – and our many conversations have served her in amazing ways, just as they have served me.
But today, this guidance is different. It is not coming from frustration of being triggered … it is coming from a place deep in my heart, telling me, “It is time now … time for Sufi to leave … time for me to have my own private space … time to have a retreat-like, quiet and uninterrupted environment.”
For the remainder of Thursday afternoon and late into the evening, I focus on a daunting task … on beginning to organize, categorize, label, and sort nearly a year’s worth of photos, all in preparation for the massive effort of posting them on my blog.
Bugging Metaphors
In the wee hours of Friday morning, August 3, 2012, I wake up to the sound of several dogs loudly barking outside my apartment … and to the itchiness of mosquitoes munching on my arms and hands. It seems that everything is now trying to trigger me … to bug me.
Prior to a few weeks ago, I had never had any problems at all with mosquitoes in my apartment. Right now, there are only a couple of them buzzing around. But for me, it only takes a couple of mosquitoes to create an itching panic. Once I begin to itch, I see every bodily touch or twitch as another mosquito attacking me.
“The barking dogs are a metaphor of my need for self-love,” I remind myself of a blog that I wrote last year, one about “junkyard dogs.” This metaphor has proved many times to be a valuable tool to my process.
“And the mosquitoes are another powerful metaphor,” I ponder. “Every time that I relax, drop my defenses, lower my shields, and begin to allow in pure love, I start to fill with anxiety and panic, feeling deeply vulnerable to things that “bug me” … that “bite me”…”
“Focus on relaxation, trust, and self-love,” I repeatedly remind myself as I meditate for a while.
A Physical Vibration
As I begin to feel love for myself, the dogs almost immediately stop barking.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “Did my renewed self-love really cause the dogs to stop barking? Do I really create my reality so clearly?”
“It really is time to love and accept myself unconditionally,” I continue meditating with deep peace.
As I say these words I am not just saying them, I am actually “feeling them.” In fact, I begin to realize with deep clarity that self-love is not something that I just talk about – it is really something that must be felt as a profound inner feeling – one that I personally feel as a warm and actual physical vibration in my heart. As simple as it sounds, I clearly see this as a very profound realization.
Next, I focus on surrendering to the mosquitoes. Rather than trying to swat at them and fight them, I simply rest in bed, with my arms exposed, not making any attempt to avoid them.
Occasionally, I hear a little high-pitched buzzing sound as a mosquito dive bombs near my ears. Each time this happens, terror pulses in my heart.
“I cannot allow myself to be this vulnerable,” I ponder with fright. “I just can’t do it.”
The odd thing is that I clearly know that mosquito bites only affect me for a little over a half hour, and that I am frequently getting bitten at night while sleeping. But it is the conscious awareness that I am being bitten that triggers me. I cannot fall back to sleep … I am too vulnerable in this state of surrender … I cannot keep my shields down.
An Opportunity To Practice
It is 2:50 a.m., as I sit at my computer typing notes about this mosquito panic attack. There are only one or two of the flying vampires, but they do not stop … they just keep attacking.
For the next forty-five minutes, I simply sit and play computer games. I cannot relax, and I cannot sleep. Finally, at shortly after 3:35 a.m., I just go to bed anyway, exposing my arms to the mosquitoes, closing my eyes, and drifting off to sleep.
“Why am I creating all of these outside triggers that keep bugging me?” I ponder as I finally drag myself out of bed shortly after 8:00 a.m. on Friday morning.
My internet continues to be extremely flaky, but I finally manage to connect just before 8:30 a.m.. The first thing I find is an email quote from “Oneness,” by Rasha. It is the “Moment of Oneness #82” quote – a quote that is very appropriate for me right now.
“One creates with ease what is approached with the energy of joy. When one delights in the act of creation and brings the energy of joy to the effort itself, the result is blessed with the vibrational foundation upon which manifestation is based. When the focus of one’s efforts is built upon a foundation of resentment, those efforts carry the vibration that will magnetize to them the resistance that will undermine them.”
“My job right now is to remain in a place of joyful nonattachment,” I ponder as I read these words. “All of these bugging metaphors are just giving me an opportunity to practice that concept.”
Highest-Good Guidance
Finally, after a long and productive Friday of writing, I publish the blog, “Trusting Inner Knowing.” I am so proud of myself. I made it through this daunting writing task, finding deep peace and healing integration.
After rewarding my inner children with a burger and fries, I return home to continue working on my overwhelming photo project.
Soon, Sufi walks into the living room, and as I begin to converse with her, I get the clear feeling that it is now time to tell her about the strong guidance that I felt yesterday – guidance that it is time for each of us to have our own separate apartments.
“I had the same guidance yesterday,” Sufi giggles at me. “In fact, I went out and found a small house and have already paid for a week of rent. I move in tomorrow.”
I just love this magical confirmation of “present-moment” and “highest-good” guidance – guidance that came to both of us at the same time – guidance that opened up so smoothly. Repeatedly, in late June, Sufi had attempted to find a place to move into, and repeatedly, every attempt had fallen through in frustration. Now, as we both feel that the time is right, everything falls perfectly into place.
I never thought it would be so, but I have loved having Sufi as a roommate, and will continue to be her friend. It has been a beautiful experience for both of us.
Really Rocking
Friday evening, my internet flakes out yet again. I am extremely curious as to what is happening …
Saturday, four eventful things take place. First, I am actually able to connect to the internet at 6:30 a.m., second I begin uploading the first of 538 photos, third, Sufi spends the day packing and moves her belongings during the late afternoon … and …
Forth, I publish “A Shocking Suicidal Saga.” I have finally caught up with my writing regarding all of the intense inner work that I did with Keith during this long and arduous season of inner work – both in and out of chocolate ceremonies.
And wow, what an intense blog it was … and is … I love the magical growth … I love the peace that fills my heart as I contemplate the intense growth through which I have passed.
And to top it off, as I finally go to bed around midnight, I have successfully uploaded 478 of those photos (until the wireless finally failed and stopped working again).
I am really rocking …
What You Resist, Persists
Sunday I publish the first of five detailed photo blogs before focusing the rest of my day on getting a head start on the second.
In the middle of the night, I have another encounter with those buzzing mosquito vampires … and I am quite proud of the way I handle it. The attack happens at a time when my head is also swirling in intense energy – making me dizzy and exhausted – so exhausted that I am unable to really open my eyes or focus on the itching and blood-sucking threat.
Instead of resisting and fighting, I go to a place of total surrender, intuitively recognizing that these bites will not stop fighting me until I stop fighting them. The “old me” would “raise my shields” and give away my power to these mosquitoes in a frustrating fight, causing me simply to manifest more fighting attack. The “new me” just stays in bed, leaving the lights off as I place my bare arms on top of my blankets and relax back into a surrendering sleep.
Yes, I do admit that I feel a great deal of panic flowing through me, but I simply smile at the panic – and say goodbye to it – as I drift off to sleep.
Photos Or Bust
Early Monday morning, I edit and publish the second of my photo postings (photos of my visit with Pyper) before busily working on the third, and then the forth. By 6:00 p.m., I have two more ready to publish … only I plan to wait, publishing only one each day, because that works much better for my email subscription service.
In the midst of this intense internet photo-blog work, however, I spend three hours at my favorite burger-and-fries restaurant, using their internet. Mine remains extremely frustrating and flaky. I giggle at how much more reliable and faster the restaurant’s internet seems to be. Oh, how I wish I could use it from within my apartment.
Before the afternoon is over, I stop by to have another conversation with the owner of the local internet café where I get my wireless. He is eager to solve my problem, and after considerable exploration and trial, we figure out that his DHCP server is not functioning properly … that it is not giving me an automatic IP address (Sorry for the technical talk). Rather than fight the problem, he assigns me a fixed IP address, and voila, everything works perfectly … and continues to do so to this day (still a little slow however).
I love how things are suddenly working out again. Even the mosquitoes have backed off.
Being Caught Up
Early Tuesday morning, I publish the next photo blog and then work diligently to prepare the final one for publishing – one that documents the graduation ceremony of my dear friend Tat Isaias.
I finish early enough that I actually have time to crash in a hammock. I feel so good … and I am so close to being done … so close to being “caught up.”
Wednesday, I publish the final two (out of five) photo blogs, and then spend the rest of the day simply relaxing and crashing … I really, really, really deserve the down time.
It feels so good to have that massive photo effort behind me.
Now, all I have to do is write a few more blogs and I will be caught up for the first time in ten months. In fact, there have only been a few times during the last two years where I could say the same … that I was actually up-to-date in my writing. I am so excited by the concept … but a part of me clearly understands that I am on a journey … not a destination … and that being “caught up” is really nothing more than a temporary resting place.
Silly Social Layers (Not)
Thursday, as I attempt to reach out socially on Facebook, I begin to realize that a lot of social things are triggering me, once again – things that are way out of proportion with literally non-existent present-day triggers.
“Wow,” I ponder with surprise. “There is yet-another layer of this social self-hating paranoia running through me. I wonder how much longer I will be blessed with such opportunities before my emotional base begins to stabilize?”
Rather than fight what is happening, I instead add an entire ceremonial dose (1.5 ounces) of chocolate to my oatmeal, and I go for it, spending the day in meditation. The energy in my head is intense, almost dizzying, as swirling energy flows almost continuously.
“This is just giving me another opportunity to make a different choice,” I ponder with intuitive confidence. “It is now more critical than ever that I do not give power to this emotion … that I do not reattach to it … that I do not reenergize it. It is nothing more than an emotional reality from that past that continues to move. It will leave for good if I do not make it true in the present.”
Part of me says this whole process is silly and meaningless, but the observer in me knows that what I am doing is actually quite profound and powerful.
Trusting Guidance
Later that evening, my dear friend Isaias stops by to get copies of all the photos that I have posted – at least the ones that involve him. I love my young Mayan friend, and his beautiful family.
In the course of the conversation, Isaias begins to ask personal questions about me and my process. In the two years that I have known this beautiful young man, I have never had occasion to share my life story. I have wanted to, but the time was just never right – and the opportunity never quite presented itself.
I have repeatedly and fearlessly shared details of my transgendered status to many people in San Marcos … but all of them have been travelers or foreigners who live here. Never once have I shared my story with anyone so deeply connected to the local culture. Part of me wonders with anticipation – and a tiny bit of trepidation – just how my story might be received by someone born into the Mayan world.
But I trust my inner guidance, and as Isaias and I continue talking, that inner intuition screams eagerly that “Now is the time.” I love how such inner guidance always proves true, never letting me down.
An hour and a half later, after beautiful heart-warming conversation, I hug my friend goodbye. Our bond of friendship now runs much deeper.
Another Suicidal Repeat
Friday morning, I again awake to another unexpected layer of past emotional reality.
After four hours of mind-numbing computer games (because I can do nothing else), I clearly recognize an old and extremely intense pattern – a past reality of self-hatred, deep suicidal feelings, hopelessness, futility, and utter lack of motivation of any type.
This emotion is clearly from the middle decades of my life – from that time when I was deeply stuck between two worlds – from the time when I was so depressed at work that I often could do nothing else but sit at my computer screen, with the office door closed, silently crying on the inside while I numbed my mind with computer games.
“My life is over,” these emotions scream out in agony. “There is no point in going on. I hate what I am doing. I am an utter failure. Blah, blah, blah …”
This emotional reality is so overwhelming that I struggle to maintain observer status. Finally, I surrender and allow myself to sink deep into emotional release – feeling this layer to the core. In fact, the emotions I feel today are on par with the deepest I have ever felt.
Finally, after meditating in the light, transmuting this layer to nothingness, I am gentle with myself, taking the remainder of the day off.
“Wow,” I ponder on my pillow, “How many more layers are there? How much more of this needs to flow through me?”
In the back of my mind, I hear Keith reminding me that until I stop resisting and believing that I should not still be having such experiences – that they will likely continue.
Another God-Drama Repeat
Saturday morning, after a quick shower, I feel quite happy and peaceful when I sit down to meditate. To my shock however, within ten minutes I am immersed in the throes of another profound emotional release. But today, rather than feeling the old suicidal thoughts, I clearly recognize these emotions as being God-drama stuff – the same stuff I have frequently projected onto Keith and others.
Just like yesterday, this release is among the most intense I have ever experienced – with excruciating dry heaving, sobbing, and even sound effects – agonizing screeches and wailing.
“How dare God do this to me,” I feel the emotions lashing out. “I am doing some of the best work on the porch … writing with dedicated and profound passion … yet here I am feeling like a total loser, unable to function. I am more dysfunctional now, more of a social loser, that ever before in my life.”
I know these statements to be absolutely false, but these emotions are strong, and this is exactly what they are demanding that I hear and believe. I clearly enjoy socializing now, and can have a good conversation with almost anyone if I really feel the desire to engage. I know I am not a victim in any way, and am deeply proud of what I have accomplished in the area of inner work.
But in this transient emotional reality that has me by the neck, I have no desire to socialize with anyone, and deep judgments swarm in my heart. They are judgments toward God.
After about twenty minutes the sobbing, screeching, and dry heaving come to an end, leaving me numb and exhausted, with cloudy energy in my head.
Back To The Light
The angry emotions remain for a while, constantly attempting to hook me, but I give them no power. I gradually begin to feel much lighter.
When I look at the time on my computer it is only 9:20 a.m. – still morning. Wow, I am exhausted, feeling as if I have done a week’s worth of emotional work in the last couple of hours.
In the late afternoon, in honor of my inner children, I again go out for a burger and fries. As I sit waiting for my food, I meditate on a comfortable sofa. Wow! By the time my food arrives I am floating in the clouds of positive and glowing energy. I feel deep self-love … and I feel amazing.
I am quite clear on the fact that if I were to visit any mental-health professional in the world, that they would quickly diagnose me as being bipolar. But I am also quite clear on the fact that the work I am doing is amazing and powerful, and that at this point in my process, such labels are not even applicable – not even in the same ballpark.
A Day Of Joy
Sunday morning I continue to glow in that radiant higher vibration of light. After a beautiful meditation, I decide to do something I have not done in a very long time. I get my yoga mat and do a little stretching.
Later, after some Spanish study and reading of various types, I take a walk down to the lake – something else I have not done for a while. While there, I spend nearly an hour talking to a young seventeen-year-old Mayan girl. Later, I stop by Sufi’s new home for a social call.
Finally, I finish off the day with a few videos, more reading, more stretching, and more glowing.
Wow, what an amazing difference one day can make. I am trying to control nothing. Instead, I am simply responding to the flow of my being. I like the flow today.
Heightened Energies
Early Monday morning, I feel so good that I opt to do something else that I have not done in almost two years. Deciding that I need a little exercise, I put on my hiking shoes and spend two hours making a roundtrip walk to the nearby town of Tzununa.
What I quickly learn is that my lack of physical activity over the last 10 months is taking its toll on my body. That several-mile walk leaves me tired and sore. Soon, I begin to devour a couple chapters of “Oneness” by Rasha.
From the very beginning of chapter 40, I am captivated. Following are a couple of snippets from the first two paragraphs – quotes that blow me away.
“And after all the work has been done and the destination is in view, it is easy suddenly to question all of it. For it is one thing to have intellectually grasped the concepts that have been presented and to have gone through the motions of putting them into practice. It is quite another thing to begin to embody the heightened energies and to experience the quickening that accompanies it.”
“The new sensations of heightened vibration can be alarming at first, if one is unprepared to anticipate the feelings that accompany the advanced stages of the transformation process.”
“Wow,” I ponder to myself. “No wonder I have been swirling in so much energy lately. It has been dizzying and confusing at times, overwhelming and distracting. Surely, what I am going through is an awkward physical adjustment to the heightened energies that do indeed feel quite alarming.”
Often times, if I did not know better, I might have thought that perhaps I had serious physical problems … like a brain tumor or something. But I clearly know it is just intense energy to which I am not yet accustomed.
Life Is A Stage
And then a section of the second paragraph on page 365 reaches out and grabs me. Quickly, I scribble in the margin, “Wow, blog this!”
“Your “buttons” will be pushed in every way imaginable during this period of transition between dimensions. And your ability to resist taking these episodes at face value will go far toward easing your passage through the unstable and unsettling stage of your experience.”
“So that is what is happening to me … and what has happened over the last ten months,” I ponder with a giggle. “My buttons have been pushed repeatedly, in intense and abrasive manners … and yippee, I am finally learning to resist taking these episodes at face value.”
I could literally quote most every paragraph of chapter forty. I will resist that urge, but I simply cannot resist quoting the first half of the very last paragraph.
“As you watch in fascination the diversity that has been your life, know that it took a “cast of thousands,” literally, to produce and to star in this epic. You couldn’t have done it alone. Not in your wildest dreams.”
I giggle as I ponder another powerful quote that again deeply validates (as Shakespeare might say it) that life is indeed a stage and everyone is playing their role – playing the other end of my script, and pushing my buttons, in exactly the way I have needed them to do so.
A Vibrational Magnet
But it is chapter 41 that really makes me giggle. It is teaming with fantastic quotes that deeply resonate and inspire me … that describe so much of what I have gone through, and am still going through. The third and forth paragraphs on page 375, seem to beautifully describe my intense journey of the last few weeks.
“The details of the external world do not interest you now, for your interactions with others are invariably fraught with discord. It is as though you were still a magnet for the irritability and disgruntled reactions of everyone with whom you have even casual contact. And, indeed, that is exactly what you have become. For, as you transcend the allure of mundane concerns, certain residual energies within you continue to magnetize experiences of a corresponding vibration, which manifest as adversity on the parts of others. Until these energies can be released fully, you will find that you continue to experience a barrage of inconsequential incidents that are calculated to be irritating.”
“It is your reaction to this kind of provocation that determines how long you will need to linger at this level. For this stopping place is for the ultimate resolution of all the residual vibrational baggage you carry with you. This is the place where your knee-jerk reactions will be tested repeatedly. And this is the place where, ultimately, you will master the skills of detachment.”
“No wonder I have had so many “seemingly irritable” circumstances happening to me lately … and so many residual emotions running additional layers through me.” I ponder with giggles. “I really am working on ultimate resolution of the residual vibrational baggage that I continue to carry.”
“It is now more important than ever that I release all knee-jerk reactions and further master the skills of detachment.” I continue to giggle. “I want every one of those vibrational remnants to come up so I can let them go.”
Waking Up Meditating
Tuesday morning, August 14, 2012, I finally return to the world of passionately writing. It is a long day, and I do not end up publishing “A Personal Stage Play” until nearly 8:00 p.m. – but it is worth it. I am so delighted that I was finally stable enough to write again … and as usual, the writing leaves me energetically alive.
Then, on Wednesday morning, I am blown away when I wake up, already meditating. Even before I realize what I am doing, the clarity comes through in profound ways. At first, I realize that I am pondering the intense panic that I always feel when I try to visualize myself as being only the observer … as sitting in the back seat of a moving car while my right-brained intuitive side begins to drive.
“My right-brain intuitive side is not fully awake yet.” I ponder with a giggle. “No wonder my rational-mind fills with such panic when I ask it to step aside. I have literally been asking that part of me to sit in the back seat and give up control, while the part that will take over is not yet ready to do so.”
“In fact,” I continue pondering, “As part of my God drama, I have been constantly insisting that God needs to swoop down and fill that driver’s seat with my connected intuitive side.”
“How ridiculous,” I giggle. “I am the one that needs to wake up that divinity within me. I need to fill myself so full of self-love that other parts of me will really believe and trust that it is safe to let this heart-based part of me step into more of a leadership role.”
God Drama 101
“The God drama is now so clear,” I continue to giggle in morning meditation. “I came to this planet, choosing to be that method actor. And part of the process is that I needed to … no … I wanted to … get lost in the trauma drama … so that the process of waking up and actually returning to the divine source of my being would actually mean something.”
“In that starring role in my stage-play,” I remind myself, “I really was the victim … hurt, angry, betrayed … having given away all of my power to those who claimed to be my superiors … who claimed to have the keys to my salvation. But they, having been conditioned as adults, were from a culture that was even more asleep than I.”
“It is like asking a bully to abuse me,” I create a powerful mental image. “And then, as a result of the abuse, I learn to hate myself. Later, I spend my entire life hating myself, seeing myself as a loser, refusing to love myself, refusing to own my power … all because I was abused and victimized as a child.”
“I clearly recognize that I designed the circumstances of my birth,” I ponder with clarity. “And I realize that everything I went through is exactly what I asked for … what I wanted … and now I refuse to love myself … I refuse to own and stand in my power … because I first want God to apologize and make it all better. This part of me (which IS me), wants to remain a disempowered victim until I get that validating apology from Source.”
“How absurd … yet how true,” I giggle. “I think I can now own that this is the game I am playing.”
Inspired Wisdom
As I sit at my computer taking notes, I write the following:
“It is time to wake up my self-love … it is time to be that method actress who acknowledges who I really am … to own the silly game I am playing … to turn on my heart light … to love myself and realize all is perfect now, exactly as it is … none of it is real … none of it.”
“I am an Oscar-winning actress and have actually succeeded in what I thought was failure … there is so much to love … so much love to give … so much love to receive … and I AM the source of that love … it is not some outside, mean, bully-person-deity who has victimized and betrayed me…. I am the holder of the power … I am the holder of that decision to wake up to the love, or to remain forever the victim.”
“None of what I have done in my life is wasted. Yes, that self-love was buried under an intense lifetime of victimization, betrayal, suicidal feelings, self-loathing etc … buried under belief systems that were programmed into me by culture and religion … buried under belief systems designed to handicap me into concepts of sin and judgment … into concepts of needing some deity outside of me to save me.”
“I had to spend these years peeling back the layers of emotional and cultural-conditioning muck so that I could find this simple truth … so that I could begin to clear away the slimy debris from this beautiful inner candle (me) and actually light it from the inside … making it glow.”
“No outside God is going to do this for me. My Higher Self is gently nudging me along the way … helping me to learn and realize that it is I who must turn on this light, doing so on the inside. It is this radiant self-love that will sit in the driver’s seat … it is this self-love that will manifest a beautiful future with abundance and joy everywhere. How could it not be so when I truly love myself with that divine innocence of unconditional perfection?”
A Cheshire Cat
Wow, it is only 6:30 a.m. when I finish this beautiful meditation – when I finish channeling all of these inspired notes. I have the entire day before me, and I use it to finish off my writing about July. Just after 8:30 p.m., I finally publish “A Magical Sweetness Messenger.” I am tired and exhausted, but profoundly excited that I am almost current on my writing – a goal that has been long forthcoming.
And now, I can only giggle, with a grin as big as that of a Cheshire Cat. As I sit here on my daybed, typing these words, it is Thursday evening at 6:55 p.m., August 16, 2012. I am indeed caught up … I am indeed, at least for a moment, typing about right now, this very present moment.
Wow, what an incredible run these last sixteen days have been … and wow, what an incredible run these last ten months have been. In just under a week, it will be eleven months since I returned to Guatemala for a second season of intense inner work. I came with naïve intentions to do a little inner work and to spend a lot of time serving others.
What really happened is that I went on the most intense healing roller coaster ride of a lifetime – a journey that at times had me frequently wondering if I belonged in a mental hospital … or worse.
“Was it worth it?” you might ask.
“Hell yes,” I respond with that Cheshire-Cat grin.
As the rains currently pour down just outside my window in San Marcos La Laguna, Solola, Guatemala, I giggle with surrender. I am making no plans. I am simply being … listening … wondering.
I have no idea what the future has in store, but I do know that right now it is time to take a deep sigh … to relax a tiny bit … to perhaps stick my toes in the waters of a sandy beach somewhere. Who knows? I certainly do not. I am open to whatever guidance comes next.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved