Emotional burnout and mild God-drama rebellion have both taken their toll on me this past week. It has been an excruciating nine-month journey of nonstop and intense emotional inner work, followed immediately by another five weeks of deeply integrative writing – writing in which I worked tirelessly to publish twenty-one tediously written blogs and five photo postings – consuming at least an entire long day for each entry published.
“I am so effing tired of inner work,” I pondered to myself last week as I tried to figure out what to do next – as I tried to find the motivation to write a few final blog entries documenting my integrative journeys of July and early August.
A Tiring Dilemma
As I write today, it is now mid August. Deep emotional waves have come and gone in the past week as I have wrestled with this “to-write-or-not-to-write” dilemma. It seems that a sense of obligation had replaced my passion for writing. Resentment at a sense of “further needing to document my journey” caused me to rebel with “What’s in it for me?” and “When do I get my reward?”
Suddenly, this morning, I realized that I have fallen into an old and familiar trap – one of thinking that I am writing for others.
“I do not care if anyone ever reads what I write,” I suddenly remember a long-believed truth with a giggle. “I am not writing for anyone outside of myself … I am writing for me … for my own healing … period.”
“What is in it for me is that I get to integrate my healing in a way that only happens when I go back-in-time to write.” I smile in recognition. “My reward comes from the process of following my passion. When I write, I have the opportunity to practice speaking my truth while letting go of a lifelong tendency to give away my power to those who might judge me. Writing for me is like spending a day in deep, healing meditation.”
The subject of this blog today is one that has caused me to think long and hard for quite some time. Out of fear of being “judged by others,” I have mostly avoided the issue … but suddenly, as I ponder the purpose of my journey, I no longer fear the potential backlash of external opinions and judgment.
I need no outside validation. Write I must.
Collision Of Beliefs
In the summer of 2009, while talking to a spiritual friend in Playa Del Carmen (on the mainland of the Yucatan, across from Cozumel) I heard words that triggered deep anxiety in my soul.
My new friend told me about one of her friends who had spent considerable time in Peru studying with shamans there … doing a great deal of amazing healing with the assistance of Ayahuasca. At the time, I had no idea what Ayahuasca was, other than what my friend told me – other than that it is a natural plant medicine – a psychoactive substance used for journeying into other dimensions.
Immediately, two intense feelings surged inside me. The first feeling was a sense of deeply triggered curiosity – and the second was a sense of culturally induced horror.
“I could never do any type of psychoactive substance like that,” I pondered with fright. “What would family think if they found out … and what would my friends think?”
When I left Cozumel to begin further unplanned travel, I did not leave my curiosity behind, nor did I abandon those guilt-inducing fears. Both were frequent meditation companions.
Unquestioned Beliefs
Growing up in the latter half of the twentieth century, I was inundated with cultural and religious dogma about the horrible evils of any mild-altering substance – no exception. I was filled to overflowing with judgment and fear about the evil and life-destroying qualities of such behaviors. I was saturated with dogmatic belief systems that I never questioned, not even once.
I even spent the final year of my “Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling” training as an intern counselor at a substance abuse treatment facility. The thought of me ever experimenting with any type of psychoactive substance, even for spiritual purposes, was out of the question. I had an image to uphold … I had beliefs to live up to … and I had a family who would be severely disappointed if I did so. Even though the curiosities were high, my unquestioned inner programming caused me to reject all thoughts of exploration in this area.
When I found Keith, The Chocolate Shaman, in the summer of 2010, even then I was quite hesitant to drink pure traditionally-processed Mayan cacao for fear that something else may have been added to it. For me, the chocolate was safe because it is an everyday substance that is not widely classified as a drug.
Pure, traditionally processed chocolate has beautiful heart-opening properties. It is not a psychedelic and does not take anyone on an involuntary trip. But make no mistake about it … for a spiritual seeker with energy sensitivities and an open heart, pure traditionally-processed chocolate (from the right source) is a powerful partnership facilitator in helping to connect with Higher Energies, with repressed emotions, and with the subconscious mind. For many people, simply drinking the chocolate has a way of popping-the-cork on suppressed emotions – or of opening one to the possibility of a spontaneous Higher-Energy experience.
And just as caffeine is technically a drug, so are the natural consciousness-compounds in chocolate.
Steadfast Curiosity
During my two years in San Marcos, I have engaged in repeated and numerous conversations with spiritual travelers of all types, from all over the world. Whenever I became somewhat close to a person who had experimented with various psychoactive substances, I always took the opportunity to pick their brain – to find out why they took the substance, what it did for them, and how it did or did not help them in their spiritual path, etc…
I soon began to realize that, while there are many extremely harmful and addictive substances out there – that there are also many natural psychoactive plant medicines that many people find to be quite useful in opening up to multi-dimensional energetic experiences. Even more impressive was that these people had positive things to say, they were not addicted in any way, and most found their experiences to be quite helpful. Many, however, told me that their progress with chocolate was much more significant and long lasting than their healing through plant-medicine psychedelics.
In these occasional conversations, I have gleaned considerable insight into people’s experiences with Ayahuasca, Peyote, Magic Mushrooms, Marijuana, and the list goes on. In the course of such discussions, I quickly reassessed everything that I was ever taught by the mainstream culture.
But through it all, I have remained steadfast that I will not actively seek out any of these substances. I reached a peaceful resolution in my heart – a resolution telling me that I am not opposed to any such substances for the people who are guided to use them – a resolution telling me that I too would explore such a substance if I were clearly and unmistakably guided by Higher Energies to do so.
“I feel as if I am supposed to complete my spiritual journey only with the assistance of chocolate,” I have repeatedly told myself. “If I were to deviate from this path, I might disappoint others, blah, blah, blah…”
Deep inside, however, I have always known that my personal resistance was based on the fear of judgment by others – especially from family.
Questions Of Reality
And now, I return to the present day.
During the months of May and June (2012), it was hard for me to ignore the unmistakable widespread availability of a regional variety of Magic Mushrooms. Someone – a person that I knew – was selling them in San Marcos, and doing so with considerable visibility, even to the point of hosting word-of-mouth gatherings where Mushrooms were used along with chocolate.
Given that the person selling the Mushrooms was not exactly on my “favorite-person-to-hang-out-with” list, and given that I still had an inner resolve that I was not going to try Mushrooms (especially from this person), I simply ignored what was frequently and unavoidably flaunted in my face.
Nevertheless, by mid-June, I began to question myself, wondering if this widespread availability was “my creation” – wondering if this was the Universe synchronously trying to tell me something. In fact, there really was no question on this one fact.
“I know that I do indeed create my reality,” I reminded myself, “and I know that I manifested this situation for a reason. I wonder if mushrooms might help me get past this intense rational-mind stuckness?”
But I continued to fight the deep curiosities … being unsure of myself, and fearful that others (especially family) would judge me if I engaged in such an out-of-the box journey. I pondered the option of exploring without writing … but inside my heart, I knew that this would not be possible. I am fully committed to being honest in all aspects regarding my journey of self-discovery.
A Six-Day Marathon
It is Monday, July 2, 2012, as I begin an intense writing marathon. I am hopelessly behind in my writing, but excited to get started – excited by the prospect of beginning to catch up on more than an eight-week backlog of intense emotional journeying.
At midday, as I continue writing, a substantial little earthquake shakes my apartment, and my life, for about fifteen seconds. I can only giggle later as I publish “Energetic Suicide,” sharing an intense journey that began on May 4, 2012 – especially after having passed through such an intense suicidal past-reality experience just this past weekend.
Over the next four days, I publish a four-part series titled “Deity Drama Depths.” Again, the writing journey is extremely intense and taxing, but I giggle when I even find time to interrupt my days with social conversation with Sufi – even going out to lunch one day. It seems that my newfound optimism is allowing me to multitask with more emotional stability – writing about intense emotions while simultaneously beginning to participate in an occasional social encounter – something I desperately crave at this point in time.
However, by Thursday, as I prepare to write part three of this series, I find myself spending a morning regressing into social nightmares, temporarily processing ever deeper into teenage paranoia-like realities of projection and self-hatred. In fact, I am shocked by the intensity of additional self-loathing that surfaces, exploding via unexpected emotional release, and then flowing out of me. I then giggle, when after such an intense morning, I still manage to write and publish part three, finding deep clarity and inner healing in the process. It seems that I am now becoming much more capable of allowing an emotional reality to flow through me without attaching to it or identifying with it.
Friday, as I work on part four of that “Deity Drama Depths” series, I again hit a period of deep emotional release in which I can hardly breathe and my heart feels cramped. I cannot believe the intensity of emotions that continue to be re-triggered as I go back into the past to write and integrate. But again, I giggle later that evening when I hit the publish button on a very difficult-to-write blog. I am so happy to have that portion of my writing behind me … and so happy to have further integrated those beautiful lessons.
By Saturday night, I am glowing inside when I finish writing “Soaring Possibilities.” It has been a bizarre day … one in which I have repeatedly heard a next-door neighbor sobbing through the shared wall … one in which I synchronously bumped into Keith for a short and very healing conversation. I am actually quite surprised that Keith is still here as he continues to focus intently on preparing for his journey northward.
Oneness Wisdom
And then comes Sunday, July 8, 2012. I am exhausted from six long days of nonstop writing. Curiosities about Magic Mushrooms are heavy on my mind. Part of me really wants to try them. I no longer harbor any judgments toward anyone else who might do so, but I still refuse to allow myself even to even consider the thought.
“I need to maintain an appearance of following a mainstream path,” I ponder my sense of obligation to family and friends back home. “I don’t want people to judge me. They might never understand.”
As I ponder the dilemma, I realize that I continue to make decisions based on guilt … thinking that I need to please others … and worrying about what loved ones might think.
Finally, after doing a little Spanish study, I open the book “Oneness,” channeled by Rasha. As I read in chapter 29, on page 281, I am profoundly touched by the first two paragraphs:
“It is pointless to walk away from one’s religious heritage because the dogmas do not ring true – and at the same time to feel guilty about it. It is equally pointless to continue to go through the motions of adherence to such modes of belief and to harbor feelings of resentment about it. Either way, the energetic contradiction between the action expressed and the emotion repressed would set up conditions that would nullify the potential inherent in the act of devotion.”
“In order to be truly free of the shackles of obligation perpetrated upon so many of you, it is necessary to shift one’s loyalties. Your obligation is not the so-called “truth,” that may have been handed down through generations of misguided seekers. Your obligation is to the truth that has been unearthed within the depths of your own heart – and to that alone.”
Appeasing And Pleasing
“I am still trying to maintain loyalty to old beliefs and obligations, even though I no longer believe them,” I ponder with clarity as I consider the above words of Oneness. “I have walked away from many aspects of my childhood cultural and religious heritage because they no longer ring true with my heart … yet, even so, I continue to go through the motions of surface-level adherence to some of those old dogmatic beliefs … doing so out of fear … doing so in an attempt to appease the potential judgments of others.”
“What about my own inner truth?” I ponder with a rush of inspired energy. “My own truth sees nothing wrong here. Why would I sacrifice my own truth just to please others?”
By mid-afternoon, a friend has helped me anonymously acquire a small supply of Magic Mushrooms. After all, I do not want anyone to know what I am doing.
“It is time to break through the stigmas and the dogmas of my cultural box,” I ponder with inner heart-based clarity. “Even if I just do it as a token statement, it is time to tear down the artificial walls of the stifling box that keeps me in line as a sheep, blindly following the leader, unable to trust my own heart.”
I will begin with a very small starter dose. It will not be enough to take me on a psychedelic trip – but it will be enough to give me a tiny energy connection to the plant spirit of the Magic Mushroom.
Inquiring minds want to know … and I feel no guilt whatsoever.
Unworthy Of Love
Quickly, after swallowing the tiny dose, I feel a very nice and pleasant vibrational energy in my body, especially in my lower chakras – connecting me to the earthy energy of Mother Earth. But finally, after three hours of nothing but “nice energy,” I become slightly bored, opt to watch a movie, and later go to bed. Even so, as I rest on my pillow, I continue to feel a lot of nice Higher Energy flow that keeps me awake well into the night.
Monday morning, July 9, 2012, I feel a little overwhelmed by new energy swirling around in my head. I try to meditate, but I am tired from lack of sleep. Soon I return to my bed, hoping simply to relax into the flowing energies. I know it is not likely that what I am now experiencing is still the physical result of the tiny miniscule dose of Magic Mushrooms that I took yesterday afternoon. But intuitions tell me that I have connected with the plant-spirit of the mushroom, and that some new energetic flow is trying to open in me – but that I am energetically blocking it, causing the swirling “overload” feeling in my head.
As I rest meditating in bed, trying to further surrender to the trapped energy flow in my head – trying to coax it to flow freely throughout my body – intuitions clearly tell me that a very strong part of me is still resisting and blocking love and other forms of Higher Energies from flowing freely in my body.
“I feel undeserving of such love,” I ponder unfolding emotions with shocking clarity. “After all this inner work, I still have my walls up … I am still blocking out loving energies because part of me is afraid. This part does not feel worthy, and feels threatened by such love … threatened just as I was when I felt suicidal as a teenager.”
Anger At Ongoing Walls
I focus on allowing higher love … but I feel nothing.
I focus on trying to send love to my inner children … but I feel nothing.
When I focus on thoughts of relationship intimacy, I am flooded with strong intuitive awareness of deep inner resistance. It seems that I still adamantly resist the idea of allowing someone to give me such love.
I then imagine a Higher Being just holding me … spooning me from behind … giving me beautiful, safe, pure, and unconditional love. It is indeed a comforting energy flow, but I continue to experience profound inner resistance to receiving such loving energy.
“I still feel like an unlovable and defective transgendered freak,” I ponder.
These emotions are not conscious, but I feel their presence festering deeply in the subconscious, continuing to influence daily life.
As I observe my feelings, I note that I actually feel quite shocked and angry at the subconscious part of me that continues to sabotage and thwart my attempts at inner opening – that continues to maintain such high and thick walls against allowing Higher Energy assistance. Then I remind myself that this is the “game that I am playing” … that “I need to own it.”
By midday, with much thought and consideration, I am still deeply curious about what might happen if I actually went on a “psychedelic trip” with mushrooms. I am determined to tear down those protective shields that prevent me from deeper multi-dimensional connections. I am tired of being stuck in my energetic isolation.
“I know I still need to do the inner work,” I ponder with determination. “But perhaps if I try a higher dose of Magic Mushrooms I might be graced with a temporary glimpse at what I seek to accomplish.”
A Stubborn Head
Shortly after noon, having repeatedly checked in with inner guidance, I feel quite confident in approaching another experiment. This time I take four times the tiny starter dose that I took yesterday. Again, I feel a beautiful energetic connection with my lower chakras – one that happens almost immediately – far too soon for any physical effects to be occurring. I clearly recognize that this is an energetic connection with the plant spirit.
By 3:00 p.m., I am still quite annoyed. I have a beautiful connection with vibrating energies that actively flow in my head, and when I look out the window, the flowers outside seem especially vibrant in color – yet my rational mind continues to be very much in the way.
I would describe the experience as having a heart that really wants to surrender and to go on a beautiful journey, but I cannot quite get there. Instead, I have a head that is fighting and trying to do a play-by-play description of everything, refusing to sit in the back seat, refusing to give up control, insisting on calling the shots and interpreting what is now a very frustrating experience.
I feel heightened energy flows pulsing in my body – a flow that (unlike chocolate) is forced and involuntary – but my head will simply not get out of the way. My head insists on remaining in the driver’s seat, refusing to relax and allow, hanging on with constant vigilance.
“This is that same stuckness that I fight on a regular basis,” I ponder with frustration. “My head will simply not give up control.”
A Micromanaging Face
For a very long time I focus on relaxation. I feel a beautiful energy – an energy that is easy to attain, but not much different from what I am capable of feeling when deeply connected to higher energies in normal meditation.
But I am beginning to get quite angry at that micromanaging head of mine that will simply not cease and desist in its attempts at maintaining control.
Finally, as this anger and frustration strengthens, I give up expectations of ‘going on a psychedelic trip’ and instead decide just to engage in normal subconscious inner-work processing – the same type of subconscious journeying that I do on a very frequent basis with chocolate.
It only takes a minute or two after connecting with this “rational mind” resistance in my inner-conference room before I realize that I am face to face with that controlling and manipulative energy that my mother’s face so aptly represents. I love my dear mother, but she is definitely the one who taught me to repress my right-brained, intuitive, heart-based energies and to use my head as the micromanaging tool to do just that.
For a while, I process some deep anger and tears as I allow myself to feel an upsurge of newly accessed resistance emotions.
As Simple As It Sounds
Suddenly, intuitions clearly guide me to visualize this whole scenario as a skillfully scripted stage play – my own personal “Muppet Show.”
I imagine my mother walking onto the stage. I thank her, I hug her, I cheer her Oscar-winning performance with standing ovations, imagining myself in the crowd calling out “bravo, bravo, bravo…”
“It is time to let all of those emotions go,” I ponder with profound clarity. “None of those emotions define me now. My mother was simply playing a necessary role in my script.”
It is strange, but right now, I am deeply clear that it really is as simple as it sounds. Without effort, I say goodbye to those emotions and even laugh at them.
Flowing Stage Play Realities
Soon, I visualize myself as a young child and speak to my childhood-self with loving power.
“This is not real,” I speak silently. “It was all a stage play … a Muppet Show … and it is now time to let it go.”
As an empath, I sit for a while, allowing childhood emotions to flow through me on their way out. I feel deeply powerful and quite emotional as I actually feel layers of emotions from this period of my life flowing through me.
Continuing with the vibe, I soon repeat the same scenario with my teenage years.
“Bravo … bravo … bravo,” I silently call out to my teenage self. “It was a beautiful performance … I am so proud of you … It was incredibly painful, but you made it and can now see that it was only a stage play.”
“Awesome performance,” I again cheer silently. “Bravo … bravo … bravo … now let it go.”
Ouch … the emotions are strong as I begin to feel them flowing through me. I again imagine myself as the adult empath, receiving the emotional energies and sending them on to the angels for transmutation. I feel as if I am profoundly “in my element” … in my power … with a great deal of vibrating energy saturating my hands.
Just A Story
Next, I repeat the scene with my twenties. The emotions are intense, but I detach from them and allow them to flow.
Then comes my thirties … one of the most painful decades of my life, and one of the least visited in my inner work.
“Congratulations,” I call out to my thirty-year-old self. “Bravo … this emotion no longer defines us … it is time to let it go.”
Again, I repeat the process for the last two decades of my life. I am alive and powerful as I observe this process with deep clarity.
As I complete this process, I am enthralled by the clear understanding that my entire life was just a stage play – a play that was beautifully performed.
“It was all just a story,” I ponder with a giggle. “It was just me playing out my lines. None of it defines me now. In fact, it seems utterly ridiculous to allow a silly story from the past to tell me who I am today.”
For the next hour or so, I reflect on this process, repeatedly transmuting the power of all the old stories while experiencing beautiful energy flows. Occasionally, I go into deep emotional release … some of it quite gut wrenching.
Soul Retrieval
Finally, I reach a state of feeling impermeable and completely in the present. Absolutely no emotion from the past has any power over me in this moment. I am free.
“The past is simply an old reality,” I ponder with confidence. “It is all just old emotion flowing through me, and all I need to do is not attach to it and not identify with it.”
At this point in my process, I feel no doubts whatsoever. I am bringing in a great deal of loving light, fully trusting what I am doing and intuitively knowing that it is not make-believe. I have relegated all inner doubters to hang out in the bleacher seats where they can watch and observe.
Finally, I focus on connecting with my Higher Self while acknowledging that I pushed out a lot of my true self when I was a child. Intuitions tell me it is time for some soul retrieval.
Suddenly, I burst into repeated waves of deep emotional release, intermixed with periods of focusing on bringing in more light.
Finally, when the emotional charge is gone, I ask Higher Self to bring back whatever parts of me are now ready to return. Then I simply sit back and observe my energies. I first feel a strong connection in my heart, followed up by tingling in my throat chakra. Soon, I also feel energetic activity in my third eye, and then my abdomen.
“I have no idea how to do this,” I speak to my Higher Self, “but you do. My intention is for this part of me to come back as fast as possible, but as slowly as needed, pacing itself as guided.”
I then express my intention for the process to go into autopilot mode, not requiring my attention. For a while, I simply sit in the beautiful integrative energies.
Star Performers
Soon, inner guidance causes me to shift to a new arena – that of working with those who, in the past, have triggered my betrayal energy. First, I connect with Paul’s energy, cheering on his stellar performance – cheering him for how he triggered my emotions, how he masterfully played the exact role that I needed him to play for my growth and healing, etc…
One by one, I visit the energy of every person I can think of, who, in any way pushed my buttons and deeply triggered my inner emotions.
“Wow,” I silently giggle as I continue this process. “I am filled with deep, all-encompassing love. I literally feel profound and genuine unconditional love for all of the leading actors and actresses in my life.”
A Method Actor
Finally, I feel guided to imagine myself as a “method actor” – an actor who fully immerses himself into the role that he is playing – doing so even in his real life so that he can be more convincing on the stage or in the movie.
“I was merely a “method actor” in all of the stage-play dramas throughout my life,” I ponder with clarity. “But I soon became so deeply immersed into the roles that I was playing that I got lost in them, believing them to be real, forgetting my true divine identity. All along, the only thing I needed to do was to wake up and really remember that it was all just a stage play.”
For the next hour or so, I have a great deal of fun imagining myself as that budding young actress, learning about the various scenes that I needed to play out – learning all of the background and emotional information for my character.
“Hmmm,” I ponder with a giggle. “Today is July 9, 2012. I am living in San Marcos La Laguna, Solola, Guatemala. This is my bedroom. That up there is my roof. That is the sun out there through that opening called a window.”
“Let’s see now,” I continue, “The script tells me I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian background, I have six children, and I am a woman who was born into a man’s body. Wow! What an interesting and fascinating story that I get to act out. What a drama to share!”
I repeat this script review with all elements of my life, feeling no attachment to any of the trauma or drama, overflowing with a feeling of pure unconditional love. I literally see my future as an empty script, yet-to-be written. I have no attachment to the cast, to the stage scenery, or to anything at all.
“At this moment in my life, I am literally free,” I ponder with a giggle. “I can do anything I want, anywhere I want. There is no judgment, no anchors to hold me back, and a passionate heart to guide me. It truly is a script waiting to be written.”
A Detached Yawn
As I ponder my blog and my writing, I simply laugh at all of the silly emotional stuff.
“Why am I even writing this?” I ponder with puzzling curiosity. “Oh yeah, I wanted to integrate my growth, and perhaps shine a light on the path for others to follow.”
“I guess so,” I yawn with detachment.
Finally, after almost eight hours of meditative journeying through the stage-play of my subconscious mind, I surrender to physical hunger. I am starved and in need of nourishment.
Soon, after a filling meal of rice and beans, I return to my bedroom where I drift off to sleep in continued relaxation and meditation.
A Healing Metaphor
Wednesday morning, July 11, 2012, I am up early, deep in meditation. Suddenly I remember a small message I saw written in one of those cutesy quotes that get forwarded all over the place on Facebook. This one had influenced me quite strongly. I do not remember the exact words, but the quote talked about the healing process of bruises – reminding the reader that we do not need to consciously heal our own bruises. Our body already knows how to do that, and it does not need us to direct or to understand how the process works. We do not need to sit and watch the bruise day after day, coaxing it to heal. It just does.
But now, as I ponder in meditation, the metaphor takes on a whole new deeper meaning.
“Wow,” I ponder with sheer delight, “that is exactly the same way our emotional healing works. I do not need to understand or micromanage the emotional healing process. My emotional wounds are a lot like an energetic bruise. My Higher Energies know precisely how to heal each emotional bruise, all by themselves, without me needing to do any of the complicated work.”
“But I do need to be willing to allow the bruise to come to the surface where it can be healed.” I continue. “And I actually do need to feel the surface-layers of the pain as it heals. The trick is not to get angry at myself for feeling those emotions, yet again … not to attach to the pain … not to reenergize the pain by re-bruising myself … re-bruising via self-flogging, self-hatred, self-judgment, and self-loathing for still having the emotional wounds inside me.”
“If I can allow the emotions to come up and out, flowing and releasing without attaching to or identifying with them, they really can just flow out and heal,” I giggle inside. “And I do not need to do anything except love myself and cooperate with the flow of my process.”
“And I do not need to meditate twenty-four hours a day while the bruise heals,” I giggle. “I do not need to babysit the process. I just need to treat myself with loving kindness.”
“If I am present in the moment, and following guidance, I can trust that an ongoing process will proceed and complete all by itself.” I ponder with deep clarity. I do not need to know or understand how my densities will transmute or how long it will take them to do so. I just need to invite the light and remain in the loving glow of Higher Energies while being willing to go wherever any metaphorical breadcrumbs might take me.”
Smooth Writing, Smooth Healing
With the newfound clarity and detachment from the stage-play called life, and with a new trust in the divinely orchestrated flow of my emotional healing, I again re-focus on writing. Peaceful energies continue to vibrate and flow through my body as I trust that inner emotional bruises are healing on their own. I do not need to micromanage the process.
For the next five days, I write and write and write, even with frequent interruptions, successfully publishing five additional blogs, including “A Toothpaste Tale,” “Reality Quicksand,” “Flowing Effortlessly,” “Magical Metaphorical Mirrors,” and “A Tale Of Two Ceremonies.”
Things are flowing smoothly, and synchronous events seem to make everything fall into perfect alignment. Even during a beautiful and inspired Skype conversation with a dear friend, early on Saturday morning, a temporarily lost internet connection seems to have been timed perfectly for her process.
Later that afternoon, after finishing yet-another long day of writing, I find a beautiful email from this dear friend.
“Do you realize we just enjoyed three hours of magic today?” My friend writes regarding our delightful Skype call this morning. “Thank you so much for holding space for me and for your divinely guided observations and insights. They have totally rocked my world and thrown open the windows on my spirit.”
“Wow,” I giggle inside. “I love how all of my own healing is now flowing so easily through me, allowing me to be of magical assistance to others.”
Jumping Between Realities
Saturday evening, as I open another quote from Oneness, I feel deeply inspired by the words of this “Wisdom of Oneness #76” quote:
“When the hoped for result is not forthcoming easily, you have learned to sidestep the circumstances and go within, calming the turbulent inner seas that may be manifesting as discord in your outer world. You have learned to dematerialize one set of circumstances and substitute another variation on the same theme, simply by modifying your own inner state of beingness. You have become adept at jumping between realities, marveling at the sudden improvement of a situation, or groaning as your bubble bursts, yet again. You have become a master of the art of ascension, and most of you have not even been aware of it.”
Wow, this quote describes exactly what I am trying to learn … exactly what I am finally beginning to understand. I truly am getting profound experience in sidestepping one reality and jumping into another. I have repeatedly experienced that “sudden improvement of a situation,” and also that “groaning as my bubble bursts, yet again.”
“I am not yet a “master of the art of ascension”,” I ponder with confidence, “but I am indeed learning more and more how to recognize when I am in a dense, lower-vibration reality, and gradually learning how to release it and shift gears into a higher-vibrational one.”
Shifting And Shuffling
Early Sunday evening, July 15, 2012, after finishing my eleventh blog entry in fourteen days, I walk out to Keith’s home to say goodbye.
I have only had very brief and sporadic communication with Keith ever since that magical day in his Kitchen, exactly two weeks ago, where an agonizing and very real suicidal reality literally transmuted into a reality of light, hope, and giggles. Keith has been busily and methodically working through a massive to-do list of things he needed to accomplish before he could leave Guatemala, and I have been back at my place, writing up a storm.
Tomorrow, in the wee morning hours, Keith, and another young friend will begin a long journey of driving from Guatemala to Texas. Even though I have already been essentially on my own for two weeks, it will seem very strange knowing that Keith has actually left San Marcos for the rest of the summer.
On the one hand, I will miss Keith greatly, but on the other, I am profoundly eager to see him go. Right now, I desperately need changes in my life. I need the world as I know it to shift; I need the people in San Marcos to shuffle; and I passionately crave a break from chocolate ceremonies, from deep inner work, and from writing nonstop (not quite there yet).
As I hug Keith and my young friend goodbye, wishing them both a happy and a safe journey to the United States, my heart fills with suspense and excitement, wondering what comes next for me. I honestly do not know what I will do once I catch up with my writing. The only thing I do know is that bringing my writing up to date is priority number one. After that is an empty slate of possibilities.
An Audience Of One
Late Sunday evening, as I prepare for bed,” I find another quote from Oneness, this one being “Moment of oneness, #77” which reads as follows:
“Yours is a world unique to you alone. It is a custom-made set of variables that reflect the nuances of your choices set in juxtaposition with the resonance of the environment in which you have chosen to enact them. And even though you may share parallel circumstances with many of the beings that populate the theater of your awareness, yours is a drama that plays out before an audience of one. It is you alone who encounters the world in precisely the way you do. And it is you alone who determines how long you will continue to watch the same predictable performances.”
I love, love, love this quote. It resonates with every cell of my being – with every reality-creation belief that I have. The words describe my “personal holodeck” belief with such flowing clarity. We are each engaged in our own personal stage play – one where we share many parallel circumstances and scripts – but ours is indeed a drama that plays out before an audience of one.
Profoundly Pertinent Observations
As I reflect back on these first two weeks of July, the dominant factor has indeed been nearly nonstop writing – writing that has been intense and profoundly healing and integrative.
In the meantime, two deeply related themes continue to intertwine in my journey – the theme that of each of us is indeed creating our own reality, realities that can shift in beautiful ways – and that each of us is the leading actor in our own personal stage play, with our own supporting cast of thousands.
As I reflect back on that meditative journey with Magic Mushrooms, just a week ago, one observation is profoundly pertinent. For me, the mushroom experience was very much like an intensely deep and clear chocolate ceremony – but one that I could not just walk away from in the middle because the energies could not just be turned off.
While my immersion into the energies was more rapid, forceful, and involuntary, I did not actually feel that much more energy with mushrooms than I do during times that I am deeply connected during a profound meditation (with or without chocolate) – and the experience did absolutely nothing to take me out of the stuckness of my head.
Yes, I would have to admit that I did feel less doubt with deeper clarity while in my subconscious meditation with my “personal stage play,” but when it was all over, I also have to say that the clarity of that meditation faded much faster than it does when I only drink chocolate.
When all is said and done, I enjoyed my experience with mushrooms, and will likely do it again, perhaps soon – but in the long run, I feel a profound and deep partnership with chocolate that will not be going away anytime soon. With chocolate, I have to do more of the work myself, but the work I accomplish also seems to be much more long lasting and meaningful.
Increasing Clarity
Utilizing any substance, even chocolate, is a personal decision – one that must be made based on a truth radiating from within one’s own heart.
I have long struggled with deep curiosity about other psychoactive substances – long suffered from religious and cultural guilt while going through the motions of adhering to childhood and lifelong beliefs that no longer resonate in my heart.
I do not currently see mushrooms, or other psychoactive substances for that matter, as a major part of my future … but then again I am not planning my future, I am simply following the flow of inner guidance.
In this instance, I felt deeply guided to burst out of another restrictive and stifling cultural box – a box trapping me into a sense of obligation to adhere to the truth of others while denying my own inner truth. That box, at least in this context, no longer exists.
But regardless of what the future holds, I will forever be grateful for a meditation that gave me a strong and powerful glimpse – even though quite fleeting – of the profound and absolute truth that this life is indeed nothing but a personal holodeck – a personal stage play where everyone on our stage is simply acting out the other end of our script.
For a few hours on that Monday afternoon, just a week ago, I was free. I absolutely knew, with perfect clarity, beyond any doubt, that none of the “struggles of my past” define me in any way. I am merely a “method actress” – an actress who has immersed herself so deeply into my character (Brenda) that I have temporarily forgotten who I really am, and that I am merely acting.
Through an act of grace, I have now experienced a glimpse of the clarity toward which I am moving. Step by step, as I continue to undo the conditioned beliefs and emotional densities, I increasingly enter a state of growing awake-ness in which the divinity within is no longer forgotten – in which this entire earthly reality will be clearly perceived as the illusion that it really is.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved