Friday morning, June 1, 2012, is a day I have been eagerly anticipating for almost nine months after learning that my dear friend Isaias – a beautiful young man who has worked full time for Keith for more than eight years – was studying to be a Sacerdote (saw-sair-DOE-tay) Maya. The direct translation of this would be Mayan Priest – but in English, we would more likely translate this as Mayan Shaman.
Today is Isaias’s graduation, and I feel deeply honored to be among a small group of Westerner’s that were invited to participate. I really have no idea what to expect of the ceremony. In my mind, I envision a small gathering with Isaias, his teacher, a few family members and more close friends – and I expect a small fire ceremony followed with perhaps a few congratulatory talks at the end.
Shortly before 7:00 a.m., I walk to a restaurant where the group is gathering before climbing a nearby hill to a sacred ceremonial site. At first, we are only a small group waiting for Isaias’s beautiful teacher (A Mayan Priestess) to arrive. But at around 8:00 a.m., I am amazed when a group of at least 25 or 30 additional people show up wearing colorful ceremonial clothing, carrying musical instruments, large drums, and even a full-size Guatemalan marimba (a very large wooden xylophone).
Spectacular And Amazing
Soon, our large group of around 40 or 50 people begins a steep trek up a nearby hill. I giggle when I realize that several men are actually carrying the marimba up the rough and rugged trail. I assist by carrying one end of a box – a box that is so heavy that I can only carry my end about halfway up the hill. To my shock, when I express my tiredness, Isaias grabs the box and throws it over his shoulder, as if it is a box of feathers.
At around 9:30 a.m., the ceremony finally begins. I am completely unprepared for what is clearly the most magical and authentic ceremonial experience of my life.
At least six to eight other Mayan Shamans from all around the region join us in the festivities – each dressed in colorful and unique traditional outfits. The pageantry is amazing and beautifully choreographed, and the fire ceremony is unlike any I have ever seen.
Intermingled with sacred ceremony, there is repeated speaking from the heart (some Spanish, most in Mayan dialect), frequent live marimba music, drumming, a dance performance in ancient Mayan costumes, group dancing in a huge circle around the fire, colorful authentic clothing, and more heartfelt sharing from other spiritual leaders.
The spectacular and amazing spiritual celebration goes on for several hours. As each moment unfolds, I feel more privileged and gifted by the honor of being present in such a sacred experience. Given the special circumstances surrounding my unique friendship with Isaias, I can only assume that witnessing such an event is not a common opportunity available to most foreigners.
Courage To Trust
I am so deeply proud of my young friend – so honored to be included. At the end of the ceremony, the entire group again gathers in a huge circle. I eagerly await the opportunity to hug Isaias, his beautiful wife, his teacher, and others.
“Brenda, thank you so much for being here,” Isaias shares from his heart when we finally connect. “I consider you to be a part of my family.”
My heart melts into a pile of grateful mush at receiving such beautiful words.
I resonate with the deep emotional heartache that I soon observe as Isaias hugs many close family members. While Isaias’s deceased grandfather was also a Mayan Priest, literally all of the rest of his family – including the vast majority of all the indigenous people in San Marcos – have converted to be either devout Catholics or members of one of several Evangelical religions.
I can tell by emotion and facial expressions, that these dear family members struggle with the same anguish that many of my own family members have faced when I walked away from my own family religion (and much more), choosing instead to follow my heart (as Isaias is doing) in a direction that takes me far away from the beliefs of those I dearly love.
I honor my young friend for having the courage to trust his own heart.
Dancing Energies
The ceremony runs long, and after rushing home for a quick change of clothes, I do not arrive on Keith’s magical porch until shortly after 1:00 p.m.. Keith himself had also spent the morning witnessing the magical events, but had left when the hugs began.
A total of thirteen show up, and since all present have participated in previous ceremonies, Keith opts to forgo all introductory speeches and meditations. After drinking my own yummy chocolate, I close my eyes and go straight into meditation while Keith guides a few others. I cannot help but notice that Keith skips me when working randomly around the porch – but I trust deeply that this is my own creation – one helping me to trust myself and to further lessen my dependence on outside guidance.
I quietly observe my energies. I am in a beautiful flow today. Soon, I feel a distinct and very physical energy that forms a vertical column – one that runs from the bottom of my sternum to the base of my throat. This tingling and vibrating energy gradually expands, consuming the front of my throat. I begin to experience various mild pains, telling me that something is energetically trying to open, but part of me is slightly resisting.
Then I feel another wave of similar pains spreading around the high heart (upper chest) region as I frequently experienced in late December and most of January. Feeling no doubts, I simply trust the flow, stay out of my head, focus on self-love, invite Higher Love and Light to assist, and observe the amazing dancing energies in my body.
Anxious Observation
I bask in this beautiful energy for a very long time while Keith mostly meditates in silence as well – occasionally working with this or that person.
At around 2:00 p.m., Keith stands up and briefly excuses himself, indicating that he needs to go down to the garden to talk to his construction workers. Their shift is over and they need to go home for the weekend. When he returns, Keith indicates that the workers are going to store all of their tools in his bodega (small storage shed by the porch), and asks people to help move all of their personal belongings out of the way in order to make room for the tools.
As several people jump up to move shoes and bags, I remain on my seat while observing the items being passed out onto the porch. I begin to feel a little anxious about whether my bag has been moved, not wanting it to become trapped behind the tools.
Annoyed Frustration
“Is my bag still hanging on the hook?” I ask Keith when the commotion begins to die down.
“No, Brenda,” Keith responds, “I handed everything out to people, and it got put somewhere, either on the porch or in the house.”
“But I don’t see it anywhere,” I ask with nervous concern. “Are you sure it is not still there?”
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith replies with a tone of frustration. “Don’t worry … it is somewhere on the porch or in the house.”
I still do not see my bag or shoes, and finally, feeling quite nervous, I stand up and walk to the bodega to see for myself. After confirming that my stuff really isn’t there, I check all around the porch. When my belongings are still missing, I walk into Keith’s kitchen and make a visual scan of the area. My stuff is nowhere to be found and I am beginning to feel quite annoyed.
“Don’t worry about it, Brenda,” Keith again tells me. “Your stuff is somewhere.”
As I sit back on my pillow, I am feeling deeply frustrated, but choose to stuff my feelings and not make a further scene.
A Toothpaste Trigger
I soon begin to realize that this is another childhood trigger – one just like that silly tube of travel toothpaste that Sufi used up and threw away (see blog: A Toothpaste Tale). I also clearly recognize signs of my own self-created stage play.
I attempt to just ignore the deep emotions, clearly seeing that this is again triggering pain from a childhood inability to have my own possessions, opinions, and beliefs – and that my precious treasures were not valued by others (especially my mother). When I tried to protect my stuff, others invariably slammed me, scolded me, invalidated me, shamed me, and much worse.
I was made to feel crazy and stupid for wanting to protect and know the whereabouts of the special things I valued.
As I recognize the truth behind this intense beautifully orchestrated trigger, the anxiety churning in my stomach is now extremely intense.
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith finally interrupts the silence with perfect timing.
Hesitant Feedback
“I am back in that childhood God drama stuff,” I respond. “Just like that toothpaste thing a few days ago, I am deep into feeling, even more painfully, the invalidation for wanting to have and protect my own belongings and opinions … the agony of how I was literally slammed for trying to defend my property and feelings.”
“Good, Brenda,” Keith congratulates me with a huge smile. “Go into the feelings. It is very important not to push them down.”
“May I say something,” Angela pipes in.
I hesitate to go give permission, because I fear she may provide harsh feedback.
“Yes,” I finally respond. “Please say whatever you need to say.”
“I’m surprised you did not get up and look for your stuff sooner. I felt your panic almost immediately.”
Unexpected Validation
“I feel so stupid,” I speak up several minutes later. “This is so silly. I know my stuff is somewhere either in the bodega or on the porch … but I just cannot see it or find it.”
“Brenda, this is absolutely NOT silly,” Keith surprises me, “it was extremely painful as a child … deeply invalidating and filling you with panic about not being allowed to have your own stuff, opinions, and feelings, etc…”
I feel deeply grateful for Keith’s profoundly validating feedback. I was already projecting that, in the eyes of other people on the porch, that I should feel humiliated for appearing to be a fool with such silly anxiety.
Soon, Keith gently asks someone to go into the bodega to see if they can locate my bag and shoes. A minute later, they find my stuff hidden underneath another backpack that someone had left right by the door. Keith denies it, but I half suspect that he had been guided to hide it there.
Two Realities
“I do feel like a fool for having such silly anxiety,” I ponder silently. “But I also deeply understand the profound emotion as this childhood stuff is coming up and flowing through me in this new regression.”
The intense emotion now flowing through me is so overwhelming that I struggle not to identify with it as being real … not to identify with it as my present-day reality. I am so overwhelmed with the pain that I am close to tears. My abdomen is rocking and churning with intense sensations of a severe panic attack.
Yet, at the same time, I remain deeply connected to Higher Energies, continuing to experience a two-inch-wide channel of beautiful energy flowing between my heart and my throat, with more beautiful vibrations in my crown and third-eye regions.
“Brenda,” Keith soon chimes in again. “This is another opportunity to practice remaining connected to the light while allowing other-dimensional reality emotions to run through you. Remain connected to the light.”
Keith soon moves back into silent meditation while I further immerse myself into this intense journey right through the middle of a panic attack – one highlighted by the fact that I feel beautiful energies in my body at the exact same time. Feeling no self-judgment, I instead overflow with self-love and self-acceptance as I focus on allowing and surrendering to the flow of my process.
Rational Mind Is Not The Tool
Finally, when a young man speaks up and asks for guidance, I observe with interest when Keith soon repeats something I have heard hundreds of times.
“The rational mind is not the tool,” Keith shares this familiar and often frustrating phrase.
But today, something is different … something inside clicks. Even when trying to just surrender and allow, my mind is constantly active trying to figure out my next move … “trying” to surrender … “trying” to create metaphors when I should just be experiencing energies.
“I know the flow is taking me where I want to go,” I ponder with clarity. “Why can I not trust the flow and just believe that the Higher Energies know exactly what to do … that my heart knows exactly what to do … that I do not need to figure anything out with my head … that if I do need to do something via metaphors or other processes I will receive inner guidance telling me to do so.”
Intuitive Subconscious Guidance
Soon, I feel guided to imagine myself floating in a rubber raft, just drifting down a river with no worries. The sun is shining on me as someone hands me a refreshing drink. I glide peacefully with no need to steer or be in control.
After a while, intuitions guide me to imagine myself climbing out of the raft, directly into the water, floating on my back in those calm flowing waters.
To my delight, as I imagine this scene, I literally feel the sensation of energy saturating my back, wrapping around the edges of my head, neck, torso, and legs – exactly as if I were surrendering and actually doing a back float in a real lake.
As I further relax into this scene, letting my head lay back, allowing my hair to get wet, strong emotions of panic consume my abdomen – fearful emotions of losing control.
“This is quite profound,” I giggle silently. “When real emotions are triggered while working with subconscious images, this is deep confirmation that what I am doing is quite real at an energetic and emotional level.”
Exploring Fears
I play with this metaphor for at least an hour, drifting in and out of mild anxious feelings while imagining myself in various states of floating and surrender.
Soon the water instead becomes a lake of light, allowing me to breathe even when my mouth is below the surface. I sense this metaphor as an incredible way of simply surrendering to the light … trusting the light … knowing that I will be Ok and that the water/light knows what I need and how to help me as I merely drift with the flow. I do not utilize my mind except when responding to guidance.
Finally, I share what I am doing with Keith, who suggests using a small metaphorical air mattress or other floating aid to help remove the fears I am experiencing.
I honor Keith’s suggestion, and play with that metaphor, but intuitions tell me it is not necessary. The fears are not that strong, and I feel as if they are actually being released … that the fears are an integral part of my process.
Awakening Energy Flow
Soon, I note that the “squeamy” sensations (combination of squirming and screaming) in my arms are becoming quite intense. I attempt to further relax, and as I do so, the anxiety in my stomach deeply intensifies. In the beginning, I see these sensations as emotional density, anxiety, and fear … and I focus on further surrendering, allowing more light and self-love.
But after a while, an intuitive feeling surfaces – one telling me that the anxious energetic feelings I am experiencing are instead related to the anxiety of how I would feel when a sleeping foot is first beginning to wake up.
“Perhaps the relaxing of my head, arms, and legs, is allowing energy to begin to flow in my lower chakras?” I ponder. “The energy flow in those areas has been blocked for decades. The sensation of flowing energy in my abdomen is so uncomfortable and unusual that it is likely triggering painful memories of why I shut this all down in the first place. I experienced so much pain during that shutdown process that the anxiety I am experiencing is a result of what is now beginning to open up.”
“This really is like the sensation of blood beginning to flow in a foot that has been sleeping,” I congratulate myself on the intuitive understanding. “That is why I feel the panic.”
You Got It
“When I relax,” I eventually share my insights with Keith, “the energies begin to flow and my abdomen freaks out with a foot-waking feeling. As the anxiety escalates, I immediately abort the relaxation and return to the clenching. It has been a lifelong cycle.”
“You got it!” Keith proudly responds.
“I am not sure if this is the key to my power shutdown,” I respond with a giggle. “But it is definitely another important piece of the puzzle.”
I play with this beautiful meditation until the end of what turns out to be a short ceremony – one that ends at around 5:00 p.m.. Before leaving, I step into Keith’s kitchen to thank him and give him a quick hug.
New Levels Of Partnering
“Congratulations for taking your work to a different level of connectedness and partnering with the light,” Keith smiles at me.
“Yeah,” I giggle, “I was surrendering and trusting so much more … getting new insights into how the “rational mind is not the tool” … just trusting that my flow and heart know what to do and that I do not need to know in advance or try to figure it out.”
“And if you do need to know something,” Keith adds the missing piece, “it will be given to you in some way.”
As I walk home, my heart is alive as I ponder how – not only did I make amazing progress on lovingly involving Higher Energies in resolving a very deep and painful childhood trigger – but I also felt genuine loving connections with literally everyone on the porch, even those who, in the past, have often triggered deep reactions.
Other-Dimensional Reality
Early Saturday morning, shortly after 2:00 a.m., I wake up with very shallow and rapid breathing. To my shock, I am back to deep coughing with fluid in my lungs, being unable to take deep breaths without causing intense coughing fits.
But even with the unexpected physical metaphor, I am in good spirits, experiencing beautiful energy, feeling no emotions whatsoever. Giving my lungs an opportunity to clear, I sit meditating on my bed for an hour or so. Soon, I am again breathing normally, easily relaxing, and returning to dreamland.
But to my surprise, when I wake up shortly after 6:00 a.m., I am immersed in vivid memories from another round of several bizarre dreams – dreams involving confusion, chaos, abandonment, struggling to find my way home, mixed-up telephones, and computer stuff. These weird dreams are a mishmash of jumbled up emotions – of a dream experience overflowing with confusion and frustration.
What surprises me even more, however, is that these vivid dreams leave me deeply immersed in the intense emotion of that dream-reality – as if those events had actually happened in waking life – as if I had been hurt and victimized.
I almost laugh as I sit in these intense and overwhelming emotions, allowing them to flow. A beautiful and obvious metaphor is becoming profoundly clear.
The emotions that I now feel running through me are from a different dimensional reality – from dreamtime. But in truth, what is happening right now is not much different from how I feel when allowing childhood and teenage emotions from this lifetime to run through me. They feel just as real, and affect me just as deeply. I clearly see that there is little or no difference between the two concepts.
For six months, I have been learning to allow such emotions from my own past to run through me. Those childhood and teenage emotions have dominated my life, creating intense repeating patterns of dysfunction – yet intuitions are now quite clear that those childhood emotions are no more real than the emotions of a silly dream.
“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle, continuing to allow the dream emotion to flow.
Tired And Content
The beautiful-but-crazy dream emotions linger with intensity for several hours – continuing to flow with surprising strength. Just as with other emotional regressions, I actually find it difficult not to identify with or attach to the feelings that rage through me.
Trusting that many emotions need to be felt to the core before the light can transmute them, I soon surrender and isolate in my bedroom. I actually giggle as I soon hit several minutes of intense and excruciating screeching and wailing sobs.
Soon the intensity passes, leaving me experiencing apathy, futility, numbness, stuck-ness, and hopelessness.
By now, I realize that the dream emotions are so real that I wonder if I have also activated another layer of childhood emotions that are simultaneously flowing through me on their way out. But I realize this does not matter … that I do not need to figure it out.
Trusting that I need to “be where I am rather than where I think I should be,” I allow these emotions to continue flowing while focusing on asking the light to fill me.
As the flow dries up, I remain in a state of shell shock by what just happened. Rather than further attempting to analyze the emotional freight train that just plowed through my present-day reality, I simply giggle and give myself permission to immerse myself in self-love – and to just watch movies for the remainder of the day.
Three movies later, having dined on healthy options of peanut butter sandwiches and popcorn, I retire to bed quite early. I am tired but amazingly content.
Effortless Flowing
These first two days of June have been both amazing and intense.
I will never forget the honor and heartfelt joy of participating in the authentic and colorful pageantry of my young friend’s magical day – a day when an incredible and spiritual young man culminated the first significant milestone of choosing to follow his heart – choosing to follow in the footsteps of his Mayan ancestors.
And who would have thought that another toothpaste tale would find me with such synchronous grace – a silly-but-profound experience where my belongings were temporarily hidden from me – another beautiful stage play taking me back to childhood emotions – a beautiful setup that I used as an opportunity to soar to a new level of partnership and connectedness with the light. I am so proud of how I took that opportunity to go inward, to access healing light while allowing another level of childhood reality to flow through me.
And I cannot help but giggle at the magical lesson brought to me through several crazy confusing dreams – a lesson of dream-dimension emotions that flowed through me like a river – emotions from a different dimension that also had the power of reality-quicksand.
I love the way synchronous growth flows effortlessly through me. All I need to do is show up and be willing to look inside.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved