Brenda's Bicycles

After an eleven-day run of intense deep-sea diving into overwhelming emotional inner work – inner work related to an ever-deepening understanding of the games I play in my resistance to God and Higher Energies – I finally feel stable and energized enough to resume my writing.

To my surprise, as I sit down to write on this beautiful Monday morning, May 21, 2012, a large bird, standing perhaps ten inches tall with greenish-brown feathers, bravely steps through the metal grate of my outside patio door. After walking about four feet and pausing in front of a large chair, the beautiful bird stares at me briefly, and then turns around, walking out my living room just as slowly as he had entered.

I giggle as I ponder the metaphorical significance of my winged visitor. Last winter, I was overjoyed by repeated and frequent little sparrows who entered my home – little birds delivering many messages about how it is time to spread my wings and fly – but this big beautiful bird seems to be telling me that my flight-school journey is getting bigger and much more intense.

Synchronous Unfolding Flow

Just last week I had read ahead into my notes while preparing to write “A New Team, Part 2”. As overwhelming emotion had unexpectedly consumed me, causing me to process rather than write, I was blown away by the synchronous nature of how what I was attempting to write was so perfectly timed with the agonizing present-day growth through which I was passing ever deeper.

Monday – though the writing is indeed quite intense – I am finally able to face and successfully complete that daunting writing task. On Tuesday, I am quite proud of myself for finishing Part 3 of the same “A New Team” series. The synchronous nature of my unfolding flow continues to astound me.

The writing of these two days of further exploring God drama issues proves to be deeply integrative – profoundly healing – taking me into much fuller understanding of the issues surrounding my ongoing process.

Persistent Protesters

Wednesday morning, as I stare at my computer screen, lightly depressed and moody emotions again attempt to consume me. I have learned to pay close attention to such unexpected mood swings, trusting them as preparation for yet-another layer that may or may not come up in the afternoon ceremony today.

It seems that inner storytellers of how I was “betrayed by Angela” are again marching around with protest signs, demanding that I pay attention and buy into their trauma/drama. I know that these voices have no basis in truth – that they are liars spreading totally unfounded distortions. I know that I am merely projecting God drama issues, and that Angela is beautiful, and has done nothing to me other than to love and assist me in my process. Nonetheless, those inner protesters are quite persistent.

Reading Energies

To my surprise, I soon hear a voice calling to me from my outside steps. It is a woman that I first met more than a year ago at a private chocolate ceremony during a yoga retreat. She had then returned for a couple of weeks in San Marcos perhaps four of five months ago. Jessica (not her real name) is a deeply magical being – one who struggles profoundly with her own unhealed issues. She is back in town just for a few days, and will be at the ceremony today. We have a delightful talk for nearly an hour.

Twenty-four people show up on Keith’s magical porch today. We are having unusually large crowds lately, considering that it is a Wednesday in the middle of rainy season.

Early on, I focus on holding powerful energetic space for the whole group, focusing on filling myself with beautiful high-vibration loving feelings. In the midst of this, I continue to struggle slightly because of the ruthless and insane betrayal-voices that continue to protest inside me. But I ignore those protestors, I do not read their signs, and I laugh at their silly scams.

As I observe my inner energies, I note that I feel peaceful everywhere in my body – except for my solar plexus. During a round of individual work, when I briefly ask Keith about my pains, I mention that it feels as if I am again reading the energies of others. Keith agrees with my assessment before quickly moving on.

Shared Journey

As Keith eventually begins to work with Jessica for the second time, she is very frustrated. To my surprise, Keith suddenly points out that she is in her God drama, feeling angry and frustrated that she had learned as a very young child that being in her power meant that she would be alone.

“You learned that you get one or the other,” Keith shares with Jessica. “You either get love with disempowerment, or you get power with no love.”

I almost giggle how Jessica’s process profoundly parallels my own. I clearly see that we jointly manifested each other today – to work with each other on this God drama craziness.

“Go deeper into this,” I share with Jessica at one point. “I clearly see that my issue is also your issue, and I feel guided to tell you that if you can go deeper, then it will also help me to go deeper.”

Disempowering Voices

As I encourage Jessica to surrender, I begin to sink into my own emotions. Angry emotions unexpectedly surface – anger directed at my mother, father, and at my church – anger for how they had all stripped my personal power from me as a child as they taught me through experience that power only results in rejection, punishment, and loss of love.

As I sit in these agonizing emotions, I feel them deeper than ever before. But one thing is different this time … I feel as if I have a little bit of light holding my hand as I do so. As I feel the emotions, they quickly fade. I can only assume that the emotion was transmuted – but I am not sure. I still do not trust this “working with the light” stuff. I still feel cheated, wondering if perhaps I just pushed the emotion back down.

I continue to go into wave after wave of this emotion – going deeper, feeling it profoundly, and then watching as it fades.

“The issue I am dealing with today is not just the loss of power itself,” I suddenly realize. “But I am dealing with the voices of my mother that caused me to give up that power.”

As I begin to recognize all of these disempowering voices racing around in my head, I mobilize my magical inner children to help me.

An Utter Chameleon

One by one, as repeated versions of disempowering voices and self-talk surface in my mind, I ask little Bobby and Sharon (my inner children) to roll each voice up in a metaphorical carpet and to carry it off to an angelic dumpster for disposal. To my shock, the process immediately triggers deep fear and terror in my soul.

“I can’t let these voices go,” the fears parade through my head. “Who and what am I without these self-limiting voices.”

It is insane, but I am afraid. A very real part of me is terrified of the consequences of what I am doing – absolutely insisting that if I release these voices, that if I stop listening to them, that I am losing all hope of future love.

But I proceed anyway, one by one letting the voices surface – one by one asking Bobby and Sharon to lovingly carry them away.

“If I don’t obey, then mommy won’t love me … if I resist and say how I feel I will lose mommy’s love … if I cry because I am hurting, I will make mommy upset and I will be punished … if I hit deep anger and blurt out my rebellion, I will have cayenne pepper sprinkled on my tongue … if I do something creative that mommy does not like, I will be devastated … blah, blah, blah.”

Over the course of the next half hour, my little children are quite busy, carrying a constant stream of voices off to the trash dumpster. This process is intense, revealing endless painful variations of my actual hopelessness as a frightened and emotionally insecure child. As a tiny toddler, I was terrified of not doing things right. I absolutely KNEW that I would lose all hope of love if I were not perfect in every way. I became an utter chameleon, doing everything in my power to blend in, to please others, especially my mother.

Autopilot Party

Somewhere in the midst of this deep inner exploration, I cease holding space for Jessica, and she begins to hold space for me, encouraging me to go deeper. I also note that as Keith works with someone else, that this person’s issue also has to do with a lifelong subconscious hook that “being in your power means that you get no love”. I delight in how my own process is synchronously reflected in external ways.

As my own emotions start to consume me, Jessica begins to do a considerable amount of hands-on energy work on me. She has a strong tendency to try to fix, but I sense her genuine loving intention and do not push her away, even though her animated approach to energy work is quite active and somewhat annoying.

As Jessica continues to actively work here and there, rather than resist, I imagine her doing this energy work on my inner children.

“Bobby and Sharon need this love in human form,” I realize as I ponder profound memories from yesterday.

I begin to empower my inner children, focusing primarily on Bobby, reminding him of how he was deeply connected to Higher Energies, how he was the only sane one who really understood unconditional love. Soon, I imagine myself organizing a really fun inner party for Bobby and Sharon, inviting our Higher Self, my mother’s Higher Self, Archangel Michael, and even Jesus – not the judgmental Christian version, but the true, magical, unconditionally-loving being.

As I allow the giggles to surface while imagining this inner party celebration of childlike light and love, I silently express my intentions for this party to continue on autopilot while I keep doing my inner release work.

A Personal Ceremony

At one point, when Jessica’s energy movements become excessively physical and distracting, I can no longer focus on my meditation. I praise myself when I find a loving way to gratefully thank her for her help, but express that “I need to work in silence now.” I soon go inside and sink even deeper into meditation.

“How are you doing, Brenda,” Keith finally checks in with me near the end of the ceremony. “Do YOU need any assistance today?”

Before responding, I smile inside, because this is the first time Keith has outwardly paid any real attention to my process during the whole ceremony – but I know that all is well because I have not needed any personal attention. In fact, I clearly see how everything Keith has been doing with others was really being done in my own personal-reality mirror, being orchestrated just for me.

“Yeah, I would love some help,” I quickly fill Keith in on the major points of my afternoon.

Inner Knowing

“Your mother was an expert at withdrawing love,” Keith again emphasizes. “It was not just punishment and energetic punches, but was instead the sheer torture of having love taken away and withheld.”

As Keith talks to me, I begin to physically experience agonizing emptiness in my abdomen, feeling as if I have been kicked in my gut, with the wind being knocked out of me.

“Wow,” I share with Keith. “I am really beginning to realize just how painful that was. All I knew throughout my childhood was the painful agony of my life force being drained and withheld from me if I was not obedient to her wishes.”

Keith and I converse for a while as he continues to help me see new perspectives in what really happened to me as a tiny child. Everything that he says resonates deeply to the core of my inner knowing.

An Unexpected Process

As Keith soon assists Angela in her own inner work, I feel guided to slip out of my process and to instead hold space for her. As I do so, my hands become slightly energized. I soon imagine that the energy that Angela needs will flow through me.

Quickly, I begin to feel some movement of energy through my body, experiencing slight twitching, faint physical movement, and extremely mild vibrating sensations as it flows. My rational mind is completely out of the equation right now as I focus solely on observing the inner sensations that I feel. I have no idea what any of this is about – but intuitions tell me that I am experiencing an opening of some sort, and that I am sensing a glimpse of mild sensitivity to energy flow.

Finally, I move closer to Angela, paying much closer attention to my own energy flow.

Masculine/Feminine Insights

Angela’s own beautiful work was initially triggered when a group of five or six men on the porch, in a very unusual twist of events, joined hands in a circle and began to work on sharing healthy masculine energy.

“I need to connect with the masculine energy,” I suddenly realize as I drop my resistance to these men’s unusual process.

A few minutes after I relax and stop judging, my own insights begin to flow.

“Wow, the power I so desperately seek to restore is the healthy masculine energy side of me,” I ponder with clarity. “And my heart represents the feminine energy side of me.”

“Duh,” I continue pondering. “I am being guided to reestablish the balance of healthy masculine and feminine energies in my body. The issue of having a “magical heart with no power” is only going to be resolved by working with my masculine and feminine sides – and the huge resistance that they have toward each other.”

Excited Insight

“I was emasculated as a child,” I suddenly realize. “During that disempowering period, I was stripped of all power by my mother, and others. And my feminine side terrified her, so she did everything she could to de-feminize me as well. It would have been horrifying to her, in the 1950s, to have a feminine little boy. She would have done everything she could to force that evil perversion out of me.”

“Both my masculine and feminine energies were obliterated when I was a child!” I recognize with shock. “Throughout my life I have had this ongoing battle with the masculine hating the feminine, and the feminine hating the masculine, but they were both attacked and destroyed at a very young age.”

“As I feel an intuitive visual of what happened to me as a child,” I soon share with Keith, “I am getting an image of me being an empty turtle shell with my engine completely stripped of all life-force, both masculine and feminine.”

“It is like an abandoned vehicle by the side of the road with no tires,” Keith throws out another visual.

“Exactly,” I respond with excited insight. “That is precisely what I am feeling. And I have lived my entire life in this state of having emptiness inside.”

Undoing Anger

After quickly congratulating me on my unfolding insights, Keith takes a few minutes to interrupt and share a description of the God drama with the rest of the large group on the porch … educating them a little on my current process.

“You had a lot of anger about what happened,” Keith then resumes talking to me. “But there comes a time when it is time to let go of the anger hatchet.”

To my amazing shock, as I listen to Keith say these words, I realize that all internal anger has suddenly vanished – at least the present layer that I have been experiencing today. I literally feel as if I am very close to the bottom of that barrel, and that I have finally achieved enough insight that I can now let this present emotion go.

“My masculine and feminine energy aspects were equally destroyed,” I take the insights deeper. “And they were not destroyed in a war with each other … the shutdown happened as a result of a life script that we designed before being born – a script that was perfectly carried out by the adults in my life. These two sides of me are no longer angry with each other. WOW!”

Riding The Wave

“Brenda,” Keith shares near the end of our time together. “You just need to love yourself for all of this beautiful understanding.”

As I walk home after a beautiful ceremony, I am doing just that … simply loving and accepting myself for the amazing realizations that continue to unfold. I feel magical and peaceful, with mild energy continuing to flow throughout my body.

After observing Angela’s own beautiful process, I realize that I have been presented an amazing gift of trust … realizing that the magical things I observe opening up in her can be mine as well.

“I can believe,” I remind myself with giggles. “I can allow … I can stop fighting on the inside … I can surrender and trust my inner flow even more … there is no need to push or rush myself … I can just allow.”

As I finish my notes for the day, I think back to a huge hug I gave to Angela after the ceremony, thanking her for allowing me to ride her energetic wave. I love how that betrayal energy is already vanishing.

A New Adventure

Wednesday night is very dark. The electricity has been off, all over the region, since around 10:00 a.m. this morning, and intuitions tell me that it will not come back on anytime soon.

After a pitch-black and semi-broken sleep, I am eagerly out of bed at 6:00 a.m. on Thursday morning. By 7:00 a.m., I rendezvous with Keith and Angela, and thirty minutes later, the three of us have boarded a public lancha (boat), headed to a nearby town to conduct a private ceremony for a tour group that is in the final days of their three-week adventure. I love participating in ceremonies with such amazing people.

Shortly after 8:00 a.m., we are serving yummy glasses of traditionally processed pure Guatemalan hot chocolate.

Holding Space From Afar

Early in the ceremony, I am in my power, with a very nice energy as I hold space for others – but pains are again forming in my solar plexus. Intuitions tell me that the masculine power in my solar plexus is in the process of integrating – beginning to reconnect with my heart and to strengthen its presence. As I experience a clear feeling of strong heart power and strengthening solar plexus, I intuitively know that this is a part of my masculine and feminine reintegration – that it is a work in progress.

“Maybe I am reading energy in my solar plexus,” I begin to ponder the continued pains, “but I believe this really is a part of my own process.”

A few times, I make eye contact with Keith, and he acknowledges with gestures that both he and Angela are aware of what is going on with my solar plexus energy. As usual, I can tell that he understands what is happening, probably more so than I do.

I continue to hold powerful space from afar, feeling guided to remain in my place during the entire ceremony. One time Keith turns to look at me and gives me a huge “thumbs up” signal while exhibiting a large smile.

“Wow, Brenda, great job!” Keith provides feedback. “Can you feel that?”

“No, not yet,” I respond with a smaller smile. “I do feel my own energy and power, but do not feel it externally. However, at an intuitive level, I clearly know that I am making deep empath connections with others. I somehow know that I am receiving density and channeling light at the same time.”

Healthy Masculine Energy

The inner work of several other people takes me deeper into my own meditation. It is stuff dealing with childhood, providing additional insights into variations of how “power is equivalent to loss-of-love”, and how “powerful masculine energy is representative (to me) of dysfunction, control, and manipulation”.

But I am blown away when the beautiful man who runs this amazing tour group comes to work with me. I am cross-legged on the ground as he sneaks in to sit on the bed behind me. Soon, as he gently begins to tickle the back of my neck, I imagine him as my loving father, with me being a little boy.

I clearly remember my father frequently tickling the hairs on the back of my neck while we were seated together in church. I used to love this gentle gesture of masculine affection, in fact I craved such loving affection from my father – affection that I do not remember receiving in any other way. I am amazed how this beautiful man today is doing exactly what my father used to do for me when I actually did feel pure, genuine, healthy, masculine energy as a young boy.

Tears begin to trickle down my cheeks as this beautiful man begins to briefly rub the back of my shoulders and neck, just like a father might do. Finally, he bends forward and wraps his arms around me for a minute or two.

In this moment, I literally am that young boy, crying gently as I experience my father’s love. I am actually on the edge of sobbing – but embarrassment keeps me from going there. I do not want to be a spectacle in this private ceremony.

Healthy Feminine Energy

A few minutes after this beautiful man moves on, his feminine half comes over to love on me. This beautiful woman, who I love dearly, and who I have met many times before, snuggles in on the floor behind me and begins to smother me with attention.

Suddenly I feel myself as a tiny baby, with this beautiful young woman as my mother, giving me the type of love that I craved so much – love that I have no memory of ever receiving.

Her oh-so-warm hands caress my cheeks as she literally kisses me all over the side of my face, just like a mother might kiss her baby. The experience is warm and soft, motherly and gentle … a perfect experience of motherly love. For at least ten minutes, she continues to smother me with genuine, unconditional kisses.

For the second time today, I nearly burst into sobs, but again resist. I am overflowing with light and love. But the tears that demand release are not tears of sadness – they are joyful tears – joy at receiving something I have no memory of ever having received from my mother – something I desperately needed as a child, but did not get – the pure unconditional divine feminine love that I craved. Prior to age five, I have a few memories of genuinely sharing verbal love with my mother. But after age five, I have no memories, none whatsoever, of ever exchanging a hug or kiss that did not feel awkward and disempowering.

My mother could not handle my crying or the pain I experienced because of being an empath. My crying and other emotions frustrated her, causing her to worry and withhold love in an attempt to fix me. I felt her frustration and cried more, pushing her away. It is now more clear than ever that as a child, love really did feel like pain, control, and manipulation.

The Divine Feminine love that I now feel fills me with a sensation of warmth and fullness.

Beginnings Of Rebirth

Soon, as this beautiful woman returns to her seat, I sit in dizzying, disorienting energy as my process continues to integrate. I feel energy expanding and swirling in my head, somewhat overwhelming and confusing me.

“Wow, you are in a really nice energy,” Keith soon provides an unasked-for observation.

I quickly fill him in with sketchy details of my journey and he again congratulates me. Tears stream down my cheeks, accompanied by mixed emotions of jumbled up joy and sadness, all at the same time. I am quiet, reserved, and deeply emotional.

“You are integrating healed masculine and feminine energies,” Keith shares with me during our boat ride home. “It can be quite disorienting as these energies first begin to return.”

“Last night was a profound stage of recognition for me as I came to the understanding that as a child, I was an empty shell with no healthy masculine or feminine energies remaining,” I share back. “Today feels like the beginning of a rebirth – as if I am in the birth canal of bringing back my true self – bringing back parts of me that were pushed out.”

“Don’t think, integrate,” Keith again congratulates me as we stop at his gate, shortly after disembarking from our boat.

“In-to-great … Get it?” Keith giggles as he gives me a quick parting hug.

“Now Keith is back into pun-ishment,” I giggle to Angela as I also give her a hug.

An Unconditionally Loved Baby

After a beautiful nap, I dine on a delicious dinner of peanut butter sandwiches and cashews. After thirty-six hours, the power all over the region remains off – providing an air of adventure as Sufi and I sit up talking in my living room, doing so to the flicker of dancing candlelight.

I love the way that Sufi and I are gently triggering each other while each of us lovingly does our own process, neither blaming the other, always reaching a state of beautiful camaraderie after any minor triggers. I truly am growing in unexpected ways by inviting her to continue sharing my space.

Finally, after a long and eventful day, I retire at around 10:30 p.m. to the eerie sensation of a pitch-black room in a pitch-black town – as if I am sleeping in the depths of a dark cavern. Even so, I sleep soundly, like a happy and unconditionally loved baby.

Time For Power

Friday morning, I awaken early, experiencing unexpected emotions. For whatever reason, I am again immersed in gloom and doom, feeling mild anger and jealousy toward magical people with more aware sensitivities.

“I want my cookies,” these inner emotions angrily express their desire for our own magic to reopen.

But as I meditate, I find myself in a very good place, simply observing these feelings rather than losing myself in their clutches.

“I wonder who is behind these voices,” I ponder. “Is it real density that needs to be found, felt, and released? Or is it perhaps an inner liar trying to scam me and to pull me back into a loop? Or maybe it is ego?”

While I am not quite sure, the inner liar/ego answers are my preferred choices. I am so tired of digging into more and more densities.

As I ponder the fact that the power has now been off for more than forty-three hours, new insights flash in my mind.

“It is time for me to reconnect my inner power source,” I giggle with metaphorical symbolism. “It is time to integrate and to bring back my power.”

Power-Full Synchronicities

The synchronicities never cease to amaze me. A beautiful young man is in town, doing a lot of filming while hoping to create a documentary about Keith. He came here more than a month ago, with intentions to spend maybe a few days here. For the longest time, I have been aware that he was interviewing others, but in the midst of me feeling like a social loser, he had never once asked me to sit in front of his camera. The fact that I was being ignored only served to further send me down the social-isolation toilet.

But just in the last two days – at precisely the time when my social confidence has healed and returned (at least for now) – at exactly the time I am now feeling happy and confident – this young man corners me and asks if I he can interview me.

With the power still off, we rely on the fact that he happens to have two fully charged batteries for his camera. I love the opportunity to spend an hour and a half being interviewed. If nothing else ever comes of this, the experience serves to help make a new friend, to again reassert my social confidence and giggles, and to remind myself I am NOT a loser.

Finally, at just a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., as I sit making more notes on a computer with an almost-dead battery, I overhear the sound of my refrigerator motor beginning to hum.

“Yippee,” I giggle. “After over forty-eight hours, the power is back on. I wonder how my pre-cooked beans have survived the heat?”

Reading The Book

As the Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I again hold a powerful group-energy space. I continue to revel in beautiful energy after my morning of meditations and interviews.

Soon, I note that my solar plexus is again hurting. Strong intuitions tell me that this is not my own pain … that I am reading the energy of others.

“I can see that you are reading a lot of solar plexus energy today,” Keith suddenly surprises me with feedback.

“Yeah,” I respond with shock that he is so aware.

“There is a lot on the porch today,” Keith shares.”

“It is mine,” a young woman across the porch pipes in.

“It is mine too,” a young man sitting next to me confesses.

“It belongs to several people,” Keith confirms with a grin.

I love how in-tune I feel today.

Time To Dance

But after a while, the pains in my solar plexus become so agonizing that I struggle, and begin to wonder if it is my own. I really have no idea what is happening, and simply bring in the light while surrendering, allowing, and focusing on my own issues – meditating into power integration with masculine and feminine energies.

As Keith works around the porch, I continue to hold space, feeling a powerful and alive heart, following intuitive guidance that helps me connect with this person and that. I still feel very little physical sensitivity to energies, but do sense clear intuitions guiding me.

Finally, Keith is guided to engage in a brief chat with me. I quickly fill him in on my strong solar plexus pains, and how I am focusing on issues related to my inner children and my power.

“Why don’t you imagine this pain in your solar plexus as something that you need to pick up and hold,” Keith suggests.

Seconds later, I imagine myself holding Bobby in my arms. As I do so, I experience the sensation of a great deal of anger coming from him.

“Why don’t you dance around the room with him?” Keith asks, reminding me of what I did in real life with a beautiful little Mayan girl, just last Sunday.

But as I try to imagine this dancing and being lovingly playful, even more angry emotions suddenly surface.

An Angry Empath

“Why don’t you, as the adult, ask the child if you can be an empath and help out with this anger?” Keith follows up.

By now, I am getting lost in the angry emotions and feel unsuccessful in meditative attempts to connect with my inner child. In frustration, I give up and ignore Keith’s advice.

A while later, the young man sitting next to me mentions that he is feeling a lot of heavy solar plexus pain today,

“I wonder if you are taking in my pain,” he volunteers with compassion.

“No, I really think this is my pain that I now feel,” I lovingly reject his suggestion.

But suddenly, intuitions tell me what is really going on.

“Little Bobby is ANGRY because of all of the pain that we are taking in as an empath,” The ideas flow with clarity. “He feels helpless … unable to stop doing it … feels harshly judged for how he hurts when he does it … and is profoundly disempowered by it. It hurts, it is not fun, and he wants it to stop.”

Running It Through Me

The moment that these intuitions gel with clarity, I again zero in on Keith’s original advice, beginning to focus on working with little Bobby as the adult empath that I am.

Soon, I start to imagine both Bobby and Sharon with their magic wands and their swords of truth, engaging in their own magical empath abilities, commanding the intense emotional densities to stop outside of me … instructing them to NOT enter my body and to instead go straight to their higher evolvement without touching my physical body.

Meanwhile, as I struggle with a great deal of solar plexus pain, I remember an experience from a few weeks ago – an experience where the metaphor of “assemblage point” was used to point out to me that the energetic spot where I process this density and send it either to the angels or to Mother Earth was not in is proper location – that I had pulled it into my abdomen where I deeply felt the densities as they passed through me.

“Keith, can I ask a quick question?” I interrupt and fill him in. “Is that assemblage point still inside of me?”

“A part of it IS still inside of you,” Keith responds after quickly checking his own guidance.

“How can I move it out to where it belongs, so that this density will not run through me?” I beg for assistance.

“Work with your inner children and follow the breadcrumbs,” Keith puts the job back onto me.

Energetic Experiences

“You once worked with this energy a lot before it was shut down,” I begin meditatively speaking to Bobby. “Can you show me how … or help us to get this connection point out to where it belongs?”

As I meditatively listen on the inside, I overhear Keith helping someone with “soul retrieval” elsewhere on the porch.

“This part of me was pushed out as a child,” I suddenly realize.

For a while, I focus on asking my Higher Self to help me bring this part back, and to help me reintegrate it. As I do so, I feel a brief energy surge.

Gradually, as I focus on partnering with Bobby – intending for both of us to be the functional empaths that we are, the sharp pains begin to fade – being replaced by extremely uncomfortable feelings of agitation and swirling energy in my solar plexus. As this unfolds, I get the intuitive sensation that what I feel is an exaggerated experience of the energy touching me as it comes toward me, saying hello, and then leaving.

At first, it feels like agitated energy jolting me with electric shocks in a very annoying way. But when I focus on seeing the experience with magical wonder rather than judging it – and when I focus on Bobby helping me to enjoy and play with this energy – the strong shocking energy fades to pleasant vibrations at the very same spot.

“This is how it feels to sense the energy flow without the harsh pains,” I ponder with unfolding awareness. “I can actually feel the intuitive sense of this energy reaching out in front of me.”

(In retrospect, as I write about this six weeks later, I realize that what happened on this beautiful afternoon was only a glimpse into what is possible. Given the size of my magical eraser, I had since forgotten all of this – until now that is. I love how writing helps me to remember and further integrate.)

A Fixing Fest

As I meditate with this profound progress, I begin to experience how fun being an empath can actually feel when I am able to move it out of the “eating pain” department.

Soon, I watch an obvious and blatant display of fixing energy unfolding in front of me as a woman – one who is not authorized to move freely on the porch – does deep energy work on another. Keith completely ignores the situation, and I observe that the unfolding process is actually helping the woman being assisted to go deeper into her emotions. I choose to do what Keith does – doing nothing. Instead, I observe and learn.

Finally, I sigh a breath of relief when Angela rushes over to help with powerful assistance that is not fixing. But the other woman continues her exaggerated fixing, and I sense a huge ego presence in her intent. I am deeply empowered as an observer, but after a while, I can watch no more. I move seats and position myself near to Keith where I can more easily ignore what I feel is a very uncomfortable situation.

After all is said and done, the woman being worked on has a profound result, and I can clearly see how what began as fixing actually brought her deep growth.

I cannot wait to ask Keith about this later.

Ignoring The Bait

After a while, I note my God drama inner-liar beginning to march around inside, stomping and insisting that I am being really powerful today, and that as a result, Keith is mostly ignoring me again – thus proving that my beliefs about power being equivalent to rejection and abandonment are true.

As I observe this inner protest rally, I observe with a giggle, thank the voices for sharing their feelings, honor them for having the courage to let me know how they feel, send them love and compassion … and I then smile and completely ignore them.

Instead, I focus on further empowering myself. I invite the light to step it up a notch with my inner power, trusting that I am in a process where no guidance is needed – a process of unraveling the clutches of that vicious God drama loop.

As I do so, I also clearly recognize that the “fixing fest” that I observed earlier – the one I had lovingly ignored with no judgment or emotional charge – was a beautiful stage-play opportunity to show me how I CAN lovingly observe a situation and NOT take the bait. Even more profound is that I did not give a single drop of my power to the situation.

Perceptual Validations

When the ceremony concludes, I briefly hang back to discuss my growth and perceptions with Keith. To my delight, Keith agrees with me.

“She was massively in ego and fixing,” Keith responds when I ask about the woman that I had observed as fixing.

“In fact, she is in so much ego,” Keith continues, “that she could not have heard my feedback, and it would not have served the highest good to try to stop her. Today it served the highest good by allowing the situation to unfold with no public comment on my part.”

“Wow,” I giggle at having my perceptions and understandings validated. “I am really getting it … and I did not take the bait at all.”

Universal Possibilities

A while later I feel privileged by another opportunity to share dinner conversation with Keith and Angela.

I observe with amazement as Keith and Angela talk with amazing spiritual and energetic awareness about magical stuff. The energetic perceptions that they discuss literally boggle my mind, and I can clearly see that – even though much of what they discuss feels like sheer fantasy to my limited experience – everything I hear vibrates and resonates with profound truth.

I struggle for a while as the quiet observer, feeling somewhat inadequate and left out of the conversation, but I am not sad – I am actually quite blown away and encouraged by the perceptual abilities that I now see as possible.

“Is this the type of thing that I can expect to experience when I remove more of my own blocks and further wake up to the energies and possibilities?” I ask with profound curiosity.

“Brenda,” Keith responds with a confident grin. “I believe this stuff is natural for everyone when they clear out their densities and other dark shadow issues.”

Soaring Possibilities

What an amazing and growth filled week this has been, showing me the soaring possibilities of the world into which I am headed.

Synchronous events continue to unfold on a constant basis as I am clearly reminded, time and time again, of the magical way in which the flow of my process is gently guiding me.

Profound understandings have come, showing me how my masculine and feminine energies can now put aside their lifelong feud – how they both were deeply squelched in early childhood – that neither was a victim of the other. Beautiful experiences continue to flow, giving me magical glimpses of healed masculine and healed feminine energies as they release the hatred and begin to allow in the love that will once again bring restored life to what was once an empty-shell-of-a-body.

Accompanied by a forty-eight hour power outage, beautiful events have also shown me how my own inner power is beginning to be restored – how energetic sensitivities are again beginning to dance, ever so gently, in my brightening reality.

And several experiences with feeling empath abilities, more profoundly than ever before, give me hope that I am headed in the right direction, that the sensitivities will awaken with perfect timing.

I am amazed by observing the magical energetic sensitivities of others, mainly through conversation with Keith and my dear friend Angela. I am not there yet, but the Universal Possibilities are intriguing and endless.

Maybe that magical big bird that hopped into my living room early on Monday morning really was bringing me a magical message – bringing magical hope into the soaring possibilities that await me if I but stay the course and continue what I am doing.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved