After approximately eleven hours of restful sleep, I drag myself out of bed. It is Sunday morning, April 29, 2012. Still basking in beautiful memories from a magical interlude of profound fun and inner work with my dear friend Pyper, I am slightly confused by the feelings of depression that simultaneously pulse through my veins. Part of me is exhausted and rebellious toward the thought of any more inner work… and another part of me knows that this is an ego scam, based on physical tiredness and a feeling that spirituality is work – work that I simply do not want to do right now.
Just before noon, still feeling quite groggy, I pull myself together and walk out to Keith’s home to assist in preparations for an afternoon chocolate ceremony. By the time I finish serving chocolate, there are nineteen of us gathered together in this magical space.
Education And Undoing
During the glow meditation, I literally have to force myself to try to smile … to feel energy … to wake up. As I do so, I slightly manage to feel some of the “smile energy” along with a small amount of hope as the energy begins to flow.
As the inner-work portion of the ceremony gets underway, many of those gathered are on the edge of emotional release. I would jump in to help, but each time I begin to feel a little guidance to go hold space for someone, another healer beats me to the punch. I feel as if these healers are jumping in to fix people before even giving them a chance to feel their emotions … but rather than judge, I simply observe my own inner reaction to such perceptions.
Instead, I do what I do best. I breathe energy into my heart and hold space from afar … imagining my heart connecting to every person on the porch. As I do so, I begin to feel intense and painful swelling in my solar plexus. The painful sensation is a combination of weak nausea mixed with feeling as if the wind was kicked out of me – as if someone or something were energetically punching me.
I recognize this experience as being quite similar to what happened to me on Wednesday, just four days ago, when I painfully inhaled the emotions of someone else in the group, causing agonizing energetic pains in my solar plexus. Just as I did during that excruciating experience, intuitions tell me that the pain I now feel is not my own – that what I am going through is another level of my education and undoing. As I focus on connecting with more light and love, the pains begin to diminish.
Blind Intuitions
As I sit with this energetic experience, I observe with intuition as Keith works with a woman directly across from me. As I share energy from a distance, a strong feeling guides me to stand up and to go sit by her side.
“Thank you Brenda,” Keith immediately acknowledges my presence and guidance.
“Brenda is really good at this and will help you release this without effort,” Keith shares with the woman that I am now assisting.
After Keith moves on, I continue to sit with this woman, assisting and holding space for the next few hours, occasionally doing a little energy work as intuitions guide. I have very little physical sensation of energy movement, mostly relying on blind intuitions.
Over time, I guide her through at least five or six layers of deep tears, between which I encourage her to bring in more light.
Experiential Learning
Several times while working with this woman, the nausea, bloating, and sharp pains in my solar plexus return – and those pains are exaggerated and agonizing.
Each time this happens, I again focus on what I am doing. First, I imagine more Higher Energies filling me, and then I meditatively express my intent for these Higher Energies, and my heart, to cooperate in showing me how they can work with these dense energies outside of my body without me eating them. Finally, I relax into the experience and simply observe with my mind.
Soon, the pains relax, as does my body – leaving me quite peaceful until I forget what I am doing and begin to eat and internalize yet-another round of emotional density that is not even my own.
A couple of times I mention to Keith about what I am doing, but we do not really talk about it. I simply trust my inner guidance and continue to practice – learning to recognize what I am doing after I am already doing it, and then learning to undo it by asking for the assistance of Higher Energies.
Breathless Pains
Soon, Keith follows guidance to conduct an empath training with several new people in the group.
“Keith,” I beg for guidance as I prepare to participate. “Please keep an eye on me today. I am really running a lot of stuff through me.”
After acknowledging my request, Keith then adds, “Because of what you are in the process of opening up, you are in for a very different experience today.”
During phase one of the training – the first stage where we experience the negative polarity of how we have brought in density for most of our lives – I focus intensely on releasing all resistance to the process. As I do so, I begin to experience sharp energetic twitching in my abdomen. The pain is agonizing as I experience large and deep churning sensations accompanied by the feeling of having been energetically kicked in the gut and having my wind knocked out. Panic begins to consume me when I feel as if I have empty lungs and simply cannot breathe.
Yet I do not attach to or identify with the pains. Instead, I simply watch and observe what soon becomes an intensely emotional experience. Right now, I deeply understand why, as a child, I would have shut this magic down as rapidly as possible.
Time To Release
During phase two, where we allow the dense energy to run through us without touching us, I feel a strong sensation of emotion flowing powerfully – as if the dense energy is poking me and knocking my breathe away – but I do get the distinct feeling that it is not staying in my abdomen. My sensitivities remain quite blocked, but I clearly recognize the difference between “eating the densities” and merely letting them flow through me.
During phase three, where the intent is to have the densities come toward us without actually entering our body, I am quite shocked when I still experience the intense emotions running through me. I still feel that breath-knocked-out-of-me feeling as energies churn and nausea taunts me.
When things settle down after the training concludes, I explain what happened and ask Keith for assistance. He completely surprises me with his response. Keith lovingly explains that there is a place in my energetic field that is designed to handle this energy and to send it straight to its higher evolvement – to my Divine partners – either straight up to the metaphorical angels or down to the Mother Earth. It seems that this energetic place should be on the edge of my energy field, two or three feet in front of me, but in my case, I have it pulled inside of my abdomen. This is the reason I painfully continue to bring this density energy inside.
In a short discussion, I ask Keith about my body clenching and walking pigeon toed starting at age twelve, and he confirms that it was probably at this point that I pulled this place inside my abdomen and clenched all around it in an unconscious attempt to keep it hidden and shut down.
“Brenda,” Keith gently guides me, “it is time to release that place from your abdomen and bring it back to where it belongs.”
Intense Revolt
My rational mind has no clue how to comply with this request, but I know that my heart and Higher Energies do know.
“Bring in the light and a Higher Being that you trust, and ask for assistance in moving that “assemblage point” back out in front of you to where it belongs,” Keith guides me on how to proceed.
He uses a metaphor called an “assemblage point” – one from the writings of Carlos Castaneda – in my case using it in a different way as a term to symbolically describe the place in my energy field that needs to be reestablished in its proper location outside of my physical body.
At the very moment that I begin to focus on doing this, strong tears begin to flow as I enter an intense emotional reaction of panic and fear. Keith quickly guides everyone in the group to focus on holding space for my process. Meanwhile, as I further concentrate on relaxation, the energies in my solar plexus fight back as if in intense revolt.
Disempowered By Fixing
Seconds later, a young woman swarms me, holding me and placing her head on my chest. Immediately I recoil energetically, sensing her intense message, of “Oh, you poor thing, you are suffering, let me comfort and help you.”
I am unsure if this is her real intent, or if I am just so sensitive to fixing energy that I see everything as fixing – but regardless of this beautiful young woman’s intent, I feel profoundly disempowered by her well-intentioned gesture. Her actions are essentially telling me that what I am feeling is weak and wrong, and that she is there to help me stop it – when in reality, what I am feeling is a powerful part of my process and I need to go deeper into it.
“Please, can I ask you to stop,” I ask this beautiful young woman. “This is really pulling me out of my process.”
To my rescue, Keith jumps in to validate that she really should back away and allow me to have my energetic space. She then places her hands on my knees. When I continue to struggle with reconnecting to my process, I again have to ask her, “Can you please completely disconnect.” I know this lesson is a profound educational tool for my own learning – showing me how massively disempowering that well-intentioned fixing energy can be.
Surrender, Intend, And Allow
It takes a minute or two of being back in my own space, but soon I am again in touch with the deep emotions of surrendering to this process of inviting a Higher Being to help me move this “assemblage point” back out in front of me.
I soon imagine asking Archangel Michael to support and help me in this process, attempting to put an energetic image on the Higher Being that is guiding me.
As the group holds powerful space for me, I continue to experience and deal with deep fearful emotions.
“I feel like I’m trying to push this energy center back out in front of me,” I explain to Keith after a while. “I know this is probably not the way to do it. Can you please advise me?”
“Surrender to the process, express your intention, and then just allow the light and Higher Being to help you,” Keith guides. “There is no need to push, and this is not something you can do with your rational mind.”
Again, I focus on letting go of all resistance, realizing that what needs to happen is not something that I “do” … but is instead something that I stop trying to do.
New Job Offers
For the next half hour, I simply sit in quiet meditation while observing the energy sensations in my body. I feel a mild resumption of what feels like energetic punching in my solar plexus as I sense the resistance energies fighting back. Rather than judge, I simply smile and observe.
Soon, pleasurable sensations of energy tingle in the top of my head. As I focus on the tickling tingles, intuitions tell me to work with those resistance energies in my solar plexus in a metaphorical way. As I ask the resistance energies to gather in my inner conference room, my ability to focus and concentrate is greatly challenged by the resistance that suddenly surges.
While ignoring my difficulty in concentrating, I make a loving request to each of my inner resistance energies, asking each of them to coordinate individually with our Higher Self. I remind them that it is now time to consider embracing a new job upgrade – that they could take on different responsibilities that would be a lot more fun than the resistance they are now committed to provide.
“You could have vacation time, relaxation, and play,” I remind these energetic aspects of myself while meditatively sending them deep loving gratitude for how they have kept me alive and safe for most of the last five decades.
Another Step Deeper
Gradually, peace returns as I simply relax and allow – but the mild fearful agitation in my solar plexus never fully subsides until the ceremony concludes.
I clearly recognize that my sensitivities are increasingly beginning to open, and that what happened today is another beautiful unfolding step in my process – another step deeper than what happened on Wednesday. But intuitions also clearly flow that let me know I am still in the beginning stages of opening this magic. Each step gives me profound understanding as to why this magic was so painful and frightening for a tiny child in a strong religious culture – profound understanding as to why I shut it all down and brought this energetic “assemblage point” inside of me for my own protection.
“How are you doing Miss Brenda?” Keith asks as the ceremony nears conclusion.
“I’m bringing in more energy and feeling much more relaxed,” I respond from a place of peace. “I feel as if that assemblage point moved out in front of me, but I recognize that this is a journey, and not a destination. I can clearly see how the flow of my own being is taking me one step deeper with every ceremony. I am just trusting and being patient while not trying to “do” anything … but rather to release, surrender, and allow.”
Bubbly And Light
After the ceremony is over, Keith congratulates me on my process, and I take advantage of the opportunity to garner additional self-insight.
“Was I scamming myself when I asked that young woman to stop fixing me?” I ask Keith for feedback. “Would it have helped me go deeper if I had allowed her to continue embracing me, or was I correct in perceiving what she was doing as being a strong fixing energy?”
“You need to trust and follow what you feel,” Keith guides me back into my own inner answer. “You were correct to ask her to back away from your energy field, and you did it in a very loving way. It was perfect, and it helped her to point out to her that what she was doing was interfering in your process.”
“Yeah,” I thank Keith for his feedback, “and I did apologize to her afterward, even explaining that I appreciate her intent, and that maybe I was just resisting.”
As I walk home, I find myself feeling quite bubbly and light, even dancing to some church music along the way. Little by little, the inner blockages seem to be lifting in layers.
An Unexpected Visitor
Monday morning, the last day of April 2012, I begin my day with valiant intentions to resume my writing … but as I try to get going with my goal, rebellion consumes me. I toy with this resistance and rebellion for a few hours, attempting to find the emotional energy to engage in my passion of writing integration, but finally I surrender to the vague and ambiguous emotions that continue to exert their persistent influence.
I simply surrender to a day of focusing on body relaxation while watching videos on my computer. Throughout this long day of relaxation, I observe as squeamy sensations repeatedly come and go, mostly in the cells of my forearms where the resistance to relaxation is especially strong.
Suddenly, at around 6:00 p.m., an unexpected visitor shows up on my porch. I first met Sufi late last September, here in San Marcos, just after returning from a much-needed summer visit with family and friends back in Utah and the western United States. We shared energetic space on Keith’s magical porch for perhaps a month before she resumed her travels.
A New Roommate
When Sufi mentions that she is trying to figure out where she wants to live during her open-ended stay in San Marcos, I conveniently ignore an inner feeling that suggests I should invite her to use my spare bedroom. The last thing I want right now is a roommate. I am behind in my writing and am not interested in sharing space – nor am I interested in the increased projections that having a roommate always trigger in me. I want to avoid new triggers and new distractions that will keep me from writing.
For the next half hour, as we engage in deep energized conversation, I continue to look into Sufi’s face while checking in with inner guidance – guidance that I repeatedly fight and ignore. Finally, I say it.
“I’m feeling guided to invite you to use my spare bedroom, at least for the short term,” I share with Sufi, after which I quickly share my deep fears and hesitance regarding taking on a roommate right now.
“This will be a good opportunity for me to face my fears about learning to establish loving boundaries … about being able to write with someone else around … about being able to talk about my feelings etc…” I later share with Sufi.
After going to dinner together, we sit and talk until after 11:00 p.m., It seems that I now have an open-ended roommate who will be moving the rest of her belonging tomorrow. We do not discuss timeframes, expense sharing, rent, or any of those issues. We are both trusting present-moment guidance that says, as least for now, it feels inspired to share space.
Empowering And Freeing
Tuesday morning, the first day of May, I am happy to realize that my cough has been nearly nonexistent for the last two nights. It had begun just before Pyper’s arrival and had peaked on that night of beautiful channeling while sleeping on a hard bed in a dark and lonely hotel room in Antigua as I prepared to meet Pyper the next morning.
But the cough, though gradually diminishing, had persisted throughout Pyper’s visit, giving me the profound reminder that my suppressed emotions were literally taking away my ability to breathe. It seems that my energy work on the porch on Sunday – work related to releasing resistance – is now allowing me to breathe again.
And I am finally resuming my writing as well. I spend a magical Tuesday writing “Magical Metaphorical Animals” – and I easily do so with Sufi actively moving around my home, often even engaging in short conversation. I set loving boundaries, making it clear that I want her to feel free to interrupt me at any time she really needs to talk – and we do talk several times – but I also feel free to lovingly explain, “OK, I need to write now” and she honors my request.
I find it very empowering and freeing to be able to speak my truth in a loving way while at the same time being flexible and allowing minor interruptions. This is profound for me – something I have never before been able to accomplish.
Un-Asked-For Confirmation
Wednesday, May 2, 2012, after a relaxing and meditative morning, I again find myself sitting on Keith’s magical porch, drinking chocolate. I am eager to discover where the flow of my process takes me next.
During the early part of the ceremony, I again experience strong pains in my solar plexus, but when I check in with my heart, it feels strong, clear, and energized.
“I am just reading the density of others,” intuitions whisper in my soul.
I quickly use my fingers in a short kinesiology self-check, and get the same answer … that the pains in my solar plexus are not mine. I do not say a word to Keith about my pains or about my feelings regarding them.
Just as Keith prepares to lead the “Glow Meditation”, he makes a comment, the type of which is usually reserved for later in ceremony, if even expressed at all.
“Wow, there is a lot of solar plexus energy today,” Keith comments matter-of-factly.
I just giggle inside at this un-asked-for inspired confirmation of my perceptions. The pain I feel in my solar plexus is intense – but I know it is not mine – that I am just reading it in a very exaggerated way for the purpose of my learning. The pain is excruciating, yet I continue to giggle inside because I feel a sense of hope that what I am now experiencing can eventually be fun – and that I can indeed experience such magic without believing the density and without it further contributing to a lifelong feeling of being a self-hating loser.
Surprise Guidance
I sit alone in meditation for most of the first ninety minutes after Keith finishes the Glow Meditation. During this time, I focus on connecting to the group as a whole, expressing my intent, asking the energies to assist, and then getting out of the way with rational mind. As Keith works with various individuals, I send my own energetic support in their direction as well – doing so from my heart without the slightest understanding in rational mind.
Eventually, after assisting with a few people, I feel guided to sit behind a woman with whom Keith is currently working. I will call her Sara.
“Brenda is going to work on the back and receptive side of your heart chakra,” Keith surprises me by immediately sharing with Sara why I am there – something that I had not yet figured out.
“I am really glad she is here to help,” Keith continues his indirect compliment.
A Loving Drain
I continue to provide energetic support on the back of Sara’s heart chakra while Keith works with her on other levels.
As Keith begins to process with her from the vantage point of her having been a victim of energy vampires, I begin to pay close attention. I do not feel that anyone specifically sucked out my life energy against my will, but I do clearly recognize that throughout my life, I have willingly given away such energy from my own personal stash, always leaving me quite drained.
A great deal of conversation ensues on the porch about the importance of not giving from your personal energy – but to instead connect with a Higher Source of energy and only give from the overflow of that Source, as we do with the Glow Meditation.
“I have spent my whole life giving … giving … giving,” I begin to ponder deeply. “I continuously sought love, validation, and approval from others by giving of my personal store of energy. Invariably, I always ended up feeling drained, and what love I received in return was simply not enough to make up the difference.”
“Giving love always left me feeling drained … incapable of being whole,” I ponder with clarity. “I felt as if receiving love was dependent on my giving. Even though I have done a great deal of healing with this pattern over the past eight years, I continue to drain myself when sharing love.”
Eye Opening Education
Soon, as we begin a beautiful empath training, I focus on participating with the assistance of Higher Energies, rather than attempting to do it with my own energy. Even before Keith begins guiding the group, I focus on breathing tons of light energy into my heart.
As phase one of the training progresses, I again imagine Archangel Michael as the Higher Being in front of me, providing me with real emotional density that will fill me in the way I have eaten it throughout my life. As I do so, that nail-in-my-heart spot aches profusely, and intuitions tell me that a great deal of the density that I consume enters me at this spot in my heart chakra.
“That is why it hurts so much here when I try to open,” I ponder unfolding thoughts. “This painful heart blockage is here to prevent intake of dense energies.”
As I further ponder, I also begin to experience sharp pains in my solar plexus and I get the feeling that my lungs are empty and I cannot breathe.
I have never been so delighted when phase one of the empath training is over, and when the density can be vanished as easily as it was generated. The process today has been quite eye opening in an educational sort of way.
Smiles Amidst Agony
During phase two, when the density runs through me without sticking in my inner basket, I begin to feel a very sharp wall of pain across my heart, and another just below my rib cage. The pain is so agonizing and sharp, that it literally feels as if knives are inserted all along these metaphorical energetic walls.
At one point during the training, I move my hands back and forth along this excruciating upper wall and make eye contact with Keith, using facial expressions and hand gestures to silently express my agony while whispering, “Wow, this really hurts.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” Keith whispers back, letting me know that all is OK. I get the strong impression that he can actually feel the pain that I am experiencing.
During phase three, when the density is not supposed to enter my body, I am again stabbed by sharp, sharp pains … some of them as low as my pelvis region, and others as high as my collarbone. These pains are everywhere, and extremely uncomfortable.
I focus strong intention on relaxation and moving that “assemblage point” out of my abdomen and back to the place at the edge of my aura field where it belongs – doing so while simultaneously attempting to remain unattached and non-identified to the pains in any way. In fact, I am actually smiling and silently giggling in the midst of the agony. I know that what I feel is not really mine … and feel that much of the pain is actually inner resistance attempting to prevent me from further opening.
It seems that I have many more steps ahead before this process gets to be fun and easy.
Feel And Trust
When the ceremony is nearing completion, I explain my experience during the training, share my theory about the pains being related to resistance, and ask Keith for his feedback and guidance. Keith pauses for a minute, checks in with his own guidance, and then responds.
“Brenda, I’m getting that it is not so much resistance pain as it is showing the childhood nightmare that you went through.” Keith shares his feedback.
“You are in a very good place,” Keith encourages me. “I’m getting that there is nothing for you to do or fix here. It is a beautiful part of your process of going back through the childhood shutdown. You are experiencing another layer showing you why you shut this nightmare down as a child … showing you how it hurt so bad. There is nothing to do but feel and trust your flow.”
As Keith again moves on, I sit and meditate in peaceful energy until the end of ceremony, allowing additional insights to flow and take root. It has been a powerful day of further understanding the nightmarish pains associated with internalizing the emotional densities of others – and I am deeply grateful that I shut this all down when I did. I could never have survived until now had I been tormented by such pains when no one was around that could have taught me to use my gifts from a positive and fun polarity.
An Eye-Opening Empath Education
After a restful night of sleep, I spend Thursday, May 3, 2012, immersed in another day of deeply integrative writing and publishing of, “Love Is A Leash” – further locking in understandings about how I have spent most of my life feeling as if love was used to drag me around from one responsibility to the next, manipulating and controlling me. And now I also understand that love was used as a way to drain my own personal reserve of energy – that love required giving, and that the only way I knew how to give throughout most of my life left me feeling empty at the end of the day.
It has been a profound four days of eye-opening education regarding the childhood nightmare of my being a powerful empath so overloaded with pain that I energetically tried to assassinate it all. While I was quite successful in blocking conscious awareness of such abilities, I unknowingly continued to internalize excruciating densities from others, believing myself to be the essence of those emotions, believing myself to be an absolute loser in the process.
In the midst of this powerful training as an unknowing empath, I have personally experienced the overwhelming agony of such empath inhalations, and I am beginning to develop profound understanding into why I am so shut down to this very day.
I am actually quite eager to move that metaphorical assemblage point out to where it really belongs. And I am eager to learn how to get out of my own way enough to allow such magical abilities to open and function from a positive and even fun polarity where I can one day use them to assist others while doing so from a state of conscious awareness and energetic sensitivity.
Until then, I will continue to surrender and allow – to simply flow with the process, while expressing my willingness and intention to increasingly permit Higher Energies and self-love to assist me in this inner healing process.
And then, I have a new unplanned roommate – one that is surely destined to trigger ever more healing in unexpected ways – ways that I could not possibly predict.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved