Monday morning, on the day after a beautiful Easter Sunday, I awaken with a state of inner conflict. I want to write, but as I stare at my computer, I simply do not feel it. Instead, I am heavy and sad. After meditating for an hour and twenty minutes with very nice energy, I continue to feel heavy and sad and alone and unmotivated.
“I need a break,” a very exhausted part of me demands. “I am tired of processing and writing. Please, give me a break!”
The goal-oriented part of me resists this inner protest, pointing out with alarm that I am falling further and further behind in my writing. The free-flowing part of me knows that all is well. Personal experience shows that this relaxed part of me always brings more joy and peace, so I finally surrender.
A Turbulent Break
I begin my “break” by engaging in the casual reading of a novel followed by a couple hours of listening to spiritual talks. But when I try to watch an Abraham video, deep feelings of aloneness and rebellion suddenly consume me. Soon, I am back in my bedroom to meditate.
That nail-in-my-heart spot is again quite painful, overflowing with agonizing feelings of sadness and betrayal – very much like the layer of emotional pains that flowed out of me yesterday during that beautiful Easter Sunday chocolate ceremony.
Picking up where I left off, I again focus on accessing repressed anger to loosen more layers of this betrayal blockage. For several minutes, a few brief rounds of turbulent emotions surge out of me in waves. At the end of each wave, I focus on inviting the light to flow through me, to show me what it would do with these emotional densities. Eventually, in this midst of this meditation, exhaustion consumes me and I fall asleep.
At around 2:00 p.m., I wake up with a start. I crave outside assistance with this new round of unexpected and overwhelming emotional release, but I also realize that I cannot always expect someone like Keith to be there to assist me. Still, a little hunch tells me to walk out to Keith’s porch.
“I owe him a little money,” I ponder to myself.” I will use that as an excuse to walk to his house. Perhaps something synchronous will happen along the way.”
A Timid Venture
“How are you doing?” Keith asks as I hand him the money I owe.
As I briefly summarize my unexpected-emotional morning, sharing insights about how another layer of this betrayal energy is flowing through me, muffled tears flood my already-red eyes.
“I’m getting that you are fine,” Keith gently reassures me. “This is just a part of your process.”
I feel really stupid for having walked out to Keith’s house. I crave support right now, but all of the “rumor voices” are flooding through my head … voices whispering that “Brenda is just a crybaby ninny, blah, blah, blah”.
I simply do not want to trouble Keith. I know in my heart that “I really am fine … that this is just a part of my process … just another layer of my emotion”, but this betrayed “God-Drama” part-of-me craves to be validated and understood before I will allow Higher Energies to assist me in working through this new layer of emotion.
Without even asking Keith for help, I simply thank him and walk away. As I pass through Keith’s garden, a casual friend who is doing some labor exchange stops me to share a few beautiful compliments.
“I know you are having a hard time,” this beautiful woman hugs me as she shares. “But I just want to tell you that every time I see you, you look brighter … you are lighter … and your skin is clearer … “
As this friend continues to share beautiful words, I wipe the final tears away from my eyes, thank her, hug her again, and then return to my journey home. I know I will be OK … I know that what I really need is to simply allow this emotion to flow through me while attempting to reconnect to the light. But right now, I have moved back into that metaphorical cockroach-infested house in the middle of a crime-saturated neighborhood.
Admitting Defeat
Continuing to hang out in these low-vibration energies, I skip dinner and instead feast on popcorn while watching movies for the remainder of the day, finally retiring in futile exhaustion shortly after 9:30 p.m..
But at 10:30 p.m., after another round of intense crying, I am back at my computer, typing a few notes. I clearly realize that the densities flowing through me are the overwhelmingly sad emotions of a child feeling betrayed – a child feeling helpless and powerless. Rather than fight the emotions, I surrender to the stories, trusting that the way out of them is to go deeper.
The emotions and stories tell me that if I let go of my betrayal-energy trump card with God – if I “let go” of my subconscious insistence on being validated and apologized-to by God – that I am admitting that I will forever be alone and unloved – that by no longer fighting for my identity, I am simply giving it all up – that by no longer seeking for validation as being the beautiful person that I am, that I am in essence admitting that I am a complete failure and that my life has been an utter waste of time and effort.
It is as if admitting that the betrayal was not real is the same as invalidating a lifetime of struggles in trying to survive the pain of that betrayal – that my life has been a lie – that I really am a loser – a dysfunctional mental patient in a psych ward.
Another thought that painfully pokes me is that letting go of being “emotionally victimized” makes me feel as if I am now a vulnerable open book just waiting to be trampled by those who would do so.
Rubbing Salt
As I go deeper into these crazy stories, knowing that the way out of these stories is to go right through the middle of them, this surrendering part of me is losing faith in life. I am up and down on the emotional roller coaster. I eff-ing do not care much about anything. I feel as if I am in a deep hole in the ground, with the lid pulled over the top, and I am sick of inner work. I just want to close my eyes and give up.
As I further surrender to the stories, another painful thought suddenly floods my mind.
“I hate happy people,” the voice screams through my consciousness. “I HATE, HATE, HATE happy people!”
I suddenly realize that I am filled with childhood stereotypes that originate with me being an empath. As an energetically sensitive child, I struggled to find happiness myself. As I saw through the shell of many of the “happy” people around me, and perceived their empty and painful emotions, I felt the shallowness and fake-ness of their public façade. Since I learned to stiffly judge and believe myself to be evil for having such perceptions, I was even more confused.
I was so deeply shut down that being truly happy was only a dream that betrayed me – one that I did not believe to be reachable for me – and that if others had happiness, that they were just pretending or rubbing salt in my wounds.
“It is impossible to be real and genuine, and to be joyfully happy at the same time,” A crazy belief system parades through my mind.
The sad part is that a very strong and hidden part of me believes this statement to be absolutely true. As I further ponder, my mind is taken back to a short video that Keith recently sent me … a video clip of a young baby laughing hysterically when his father repeatedly rips a piece of paper. As I watched that video, wishing I could laugh and feel that same joy, I felt nothing but anger. Wow!
Ancient History
Tuesday morning, April 10, 2012, I awaken with the same feelings running through me – feelings of “I do not like people … I do not like happy people … I do not like fake people … blah, blah, blah.”
I clearly recognize that these are not present-day beliefs – but just beliefs from the past that continue to strongly haunt and flow through me – emotions arising mostly from my teen years. In meditation, I repeatedly ponder how I have perceptions hooked with judgment – how when I perceive people’s hidden struggles I have ended up judging myself harshly, and then projected that judgment outward.
Somehow, by 9:15 a.m., I manage to center myself in this meditation, to bring in enough Higher Energy light and love to transmute all of these crazy stories – to bring myself back to the divine love of the present moment. I do not regret having regressed through the painful stories – it has been a profound part of my education – but I do cherish the moments of loving clarity in which I am able to return to my writing.
Late that same evening, I finally publish my next blog, “An Agonizing Close Call.” This is the blog that I have dreaded writing for most of the past five days. Just thinking about writing it has triggered me repeatedly, taking me back to the emotional and unhealed agony of the events about which I needed to write. I am so thrilled with the finished product. I am so grateful and healed by the integration that has taken place by going back in time to put the puzzle pieces together. It is now ancient history.
Reigning Peace
Wednesday morning, I awaken to a new panic. As I browse my emails, I discover one from a friend. I have been sharing her web hosting service, paying half of the cost – but the account is in her name.
My heart skips a beat when I read that she cannot pay the bill, so she has decided to simply let the service go. In just four short days, I will be without a blog. She waited until the last minute to tell me, and being in Guatemala with a very sketchy internet connection, I have no idea how I can possibly move my account by myself in such a short time.
To my delight, after meditating, inner guidance calmly reassures me that I create my own reality and that everything happens for a reason. I know that all will be OK. Two hours later, after being able to successfully Skype this dear friend, I have transferred the money to her, she has paid the entire bill, and I have confirmation that all is paid in full for three more years. I love the magic of email, Skype, PayPal and the internet.
Peace once again reigns supreme.
After a quick boat trip across the lake to Panajachel for banking and shopping, I have just enough time to prepare myself for what I believe will be a powerful chocolate ceremony for all involved. I am manifesting the perfect ceremony, but I have no attachment to exactly what this looks like. I am willing to flow with whatever, while simply focusing on my own loving and peaceful vibrations.
Inner Chatter
When the Glow Meditation ends, Keith asks, “Who wants help?” After a long pause, I speak up and take advantage of the opportunity.
“As you know,” I begin to share, “I have been processing a lot with this betrayal energy, plus in the last twenty-four hours I have been getting intuitively reminded just how strongly I have perceptions tightly hooked together with judgment.”
I wish I could say it publicly, but I stop short of mentioning that I am also dealing with a strong powerful feeling of “I hate people”.
“And I have this pressure in my third-eye, accompanied by that swirling confusion energy swarming my head,” I continue. “Any suggestions you can give me about how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.”
Keith says something like “OK” and then promptly goes into silent meditation for about fifteen minutes. As I observe and pay attention to my own energy, I get the feeling that I am very strongly in my head, and that Keith is answering me by not answering me.
I begin to sink into self-judgment, knowing the rumors that some people think I ask too many head questions … but I quickly ignore that feeling.
“I don’t care what people think about me,” I confidently remind myself of my journey with such issues. “I love myself for asking these questions … and they are genuine and valid questions. I do not need the validation or approval of anyone. WOW!”
A New Chance
Finally, as someone arrives late on the porch, Keith briefly steps into the kitchen to pour more chocolate – something I would normally do myself.
“Keith,” I ask when he returns to the porch. “Is your non-answer the answer that you are giving me when I asked for help?”
“What do you think?” Keith responds with his own question.
“Yeah,” I respond humbly. “I am dealing with being in my head, looking for instructions and recipes, needing someone to send me in the right direction or I won’t trust myself.”
“So what help would you like?” Keith lovingly offers me a new chance.
Left Brain Psychoanalysis
“I would like help in connecting to the subconscious to try to understand why I have perceptions so tightly hooked with judgment.” I respond.
Immediately, before Keith even engages me further, a woman across the porch starts to psychoanalyze me with rational-mind logic, trying to understand why I would have the silly and bizarre notion that they are the same.
“Of course I know they are not the same,” I lovingly respond to this woman, “but I have them hooked together in my subconscious mind. Rational talk is not what will help me. That is why I am asking Keith to guide me deeper.”
This woman asks another question at the mind level, further attempting to dig into “MY” crazy issue with logic.
“This is exactly what happened to me as a child when I tried to explain my right-brain knowing and perceptive intuitions,” I respond as light bulbs begin to flash in my process. “The others in my life would psychoanalyze me and use logic to make me a nut case, trying to show me how what I am saying makes no sense … trying to invalidate what I am doing using logic and the left brain.”
“Wow, this is a beautiful manifestation,” I think silently to myself.
The Only Sane One
“Brenda,” Keith finally jumps in, “this is how your child felt when shut down, being taught to not trust her own feelings and perceptions, being slammed and told that they were wrong, having logic used against her, being judged deeply and told that your perceptions were judging etc… You were invalidated and taught that you could do nothing right.”
“I knew I could not do anything on my own without being made wrong,” I respond with more clarity, “and any time I tried to express perceptions that I could not possibly know through the left brain, I was invalidated and judged for judging … totally slamming my self-confidence.”
“Connect with this child,” Keith lovingly guides me. “I’m being reminded of that “you were the only sane one” realization that you had a few months ago.”
“That was over a year ago,” I smile in response.
I clearly recognize that Keith is referring to a crazy-making day of unknowing role-playing where, for an entire ceremony, he approached me from the role of a domineering parent. Finally, at the end of this agonizing experience, the intuitive clarity had come that Keith was giving me a first hand experiential opportunity to remember how I had felt as a child when trying to defend my right-brain reality. At the end of that confusion-filled afternoon, Keith had lovingly reassured me that in the midst of my being made crazy, that I was indeed the “only sane one” as a child – that everyone else was shut down in the consensus reality and I was desperately trying to hang on to my own genuine connection with Source.
Inner Child Metaphors
“Share with your child how she was the only sane one,” Keith continues guiding me, “that she was a magical child born into an environment that she needed to be born into so that she would be your age now.”
I begin to meditate with little Bobby, since he is the one who primarily suffered the pain of feeling insane. I visualize myself telling this precious little toddler that he was magical, that he was the only one who was sane – that everyone else in his life was just making him feel crazy because they were not capable of understanding where he was at.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts. “I would like you, as the adult empath, to also help that child by assisting in releasing that child’s confusion in her third eye.”
As I focus on meditating with this metaphor, an ice cream truck is going down and back up the steep street by Keith’s home.
“What a beautiful inner child metaphor,” Keith points out to me with a giggle.
I have a hard time focusing as profound distraction energy attempts to overwhelm me. I clearly recognize that this is an inside energy having nothing to do with the beautiful music playing on an ice cream truck.
A Stuck Porch
“I’m just faking it till I make it because I’m finding it extremely difficult to concentrate,” I share my process with Keith.
“Good,” Keith validates my approach.
Repeatedly I imagine a scenario with both Bobby and Sharon joining me in my inner conference room – one where I attempt to share my loving wisdom and support. Even while sensing a calm and cooperative environment in that inner room, not much is happening.
Suddenly, I realize that little Sharon is extremely emotional, struggling with the agony of feeling invalidated and betrayed. I begin to focus on being the adult empath for this traumatized little girl … still somewhat feeling as if I am faking it.
Keith leaves me in this meditative state while proceeding to work his way around the porch. As usual, I continue my process while also listening to the outside world. There seems to be a very resistant energy in the others… many of which are very quiet and almost sleeping. I watch this pattern as Keith moves quickly all around the porch.
An External Stage Play
Suddenly, a new trauma-drama erupts right as Keith is working with Paul. A young woman (the same story-telling powerful-empath from previous ceremonies) begins talking with deep frustration about a recent argument she had with Paul.
Things get quite tense and heated as I simply observe with pure love in my heart. It is actually quite powerful to watch the unfolding conflict, realizing that this young woman could be me not too long ago. I am now seeing my own former pain reenacted in third-party format with the same man who has once triggered so many core issues in me.
I watch as both parties push each other – as both are lost in the depth of their painful stories while blaming the other (and even Keith) for their pain.
Keith attempts to do a little relationship training, but neither seems currently capable of grasping the concepts that “it is not about the other person”, “it is not about what it is about”, “nothing changes until you do”, and “pain is resistance”.
I silently giggle, doing so only on the inside with no external smiles. I am delighted that I feel so lovingly unattached to what I am witnessing. I simply remain the observer while focusing on holding a high-vibration space for others on the porch.
I am fully aware that my own inner children are witnessing this entire scenario. In fact, I intuitively recognize that this little external stage play is facilitating major breakthroughs for Bobby and Sharon – going back in time and helping them to understand concepts of non-attachment, non-identification, relationship-rules, not needing to be right – and most of all in realizing that “they were the sane ones” in the midst of all their perceived conflict.
A Moment Of Childhood Grace
At one magical point in the middle of this drama, Keith looks at me with a huge smile – implicitly acknowledging his recognition of my glowing energy. We do not exchange a single word, but I know that he knows exactly what I am doing.
Later, when Keith finally does ask how I am doing, I respond with a giggle.
“I am working on bringing the same “moment of grace” experience that I as the adult had last Wednesday – bringing this same loving clarity to my own precious inner children.” I share with Keith.
A few minutes later, when this struggling young woman expresses further confusion to Keith regarding the relationship rules, Keith defers to me.
“Why don’t you ask Brenda?” Keith giggles at the young woman. “Brenda understands them very well.”
I spend the next half hour in quiet conversation, lovingly and patiently doing my best to share personal wisdom and examples with this young woman, helping her to understand what Keith is teaching from various other vantage points. I am fully aware that this young woman, just a few days ago, was one of those judging me as being a low-energy crybaby. I love the peace that now flows through my veins.
Glimpses Of Divine Love
As Keith begins working with someone else, he suddenly turns back to me.
“Brenda, I’m being guided to have you bring in that three-year-old angel to work with your little child,” Keith surprises me.
I know exactly what Keith is referring to. I remember how last year my inner children were terrified of Higher Energies and angel metaphors, etc… In the midst of that work, I had brought in a three-year-old angel that my inner children could play with – one that would not seem quite so threatening to them.
I soon invite this beautiful little angel to join me with my inner children. I begin to imagine this precious angel as holding Bobby’s and Sharon’s hands, as cuddling them, and sitting on the bed with Bobby when he was crying as a young child. This inner movie flows gracefully from one unfolding scene to the next, with this precious little angel comforting my inner children in beautiful ways.
As I do so, I begin to feel true unconditional love for these children. While I know my dear parents loved me with all their hearts, doing so in the only way that they knew how, their love came with conditions – even being withheld from me as a form of well-intended punishment. It breaks my heart to realize that I did the same with my own precious real-life children.
As the meditative scene continues, I get profound glimpses of pure Divine love – and begin to cry for joy as each glimpse momentarily graces my still-hesitant heart. Part of me continues to resist, and I am unable to fully open to this beautiful love.
A Clear Pattern
Over the next twenty minutes or so, Keith engages me in scattered conversation while I continue this beautiful solo process. Finally, a feeling of clarity tells me that I am done for the day – that I will go no further if I remain – that there is no need to stay until the porch is empty.
“I think I am going now,” I share with Keith as I smile and rise to my feet.
I am so filled with peace and light that I need no validation or feedback. Because of this, I am quite surprised when Keith begins to publicly share with the group, congratulating me on the profound deep work I did today, telling me I am making beautiful progress etc…
I have noticed a clear pattern today. When I am eagerly engaged in real empowered work, Keith is right there by my side, guiding me quite frequently. When I am scamming myself with rational mind talk and neediness, Keith ignores me and goes into meditation, or moves on to others, etc… And I have noticed quite vividly, especially today, that Keith does the same with Paul and others. I am learning so much just by observing how Keith works – or does not work – with me and others. He rarely pushes, and never enables self-scamming.
“That is why people who don’t do their own work gossip about me getting too much of Keith’s attention,” I giggle inside as I walk homeward. “And that is why I often feel that I myself am being ignored by Keith. The times when I feel deeply ignored are the “ego-needy” times when I am extremely resistant to connecting with the light, to going deeper inside … and Keith simply does not push me in such times.”
Suddenly, many of the gossipy rumors have also lost their sting.
Synchronous Squeaming
After publishing “Squeamys And Conflict” on Thursday, I spend a peaceful and relaxed Friday morning enjoying a mix of internet, books, and videos before walking out to Keith’s home for an afternoon chocolate ceremony.
During the Glow Meditation, I am surprised at just how strong the squeamys are in my arms today. This sometimes-excruciating sensation of “squirming and screaming” energy is becoming quite the common occurrence when I attempt to relax my clenched arms. Today, the squeaming is especially strong. I simply trust that the flow of my process will one day take me to the secrets of this very vivid metaphor.
Soon, the discomfort spreads to include a strong and physically aching feeling of intense panic in my abdomen, centered mostly in the area of the belly button. This inexplicable inner fear triggers a strong sensation of fight or flight.
Without reacting, I just observe, asking for the light to show me what it would do with this metaphor. But nothing changes, letting me know that there is still something I need to learn, or perhaps maybe the timing is simply not yet right.
Pain-Filled Intuitions
I quickly abandon my own journey when Keith asks if I would like to assist in working with an empath across the porch. Soon, I focus on bringing in more light to hold space for others.
To my delight, as I allow myself to be a channel of sharing energy with others, this also has a very positive relaxing effect on my own process. I soon feel a noticeable loosening of the sharp energetic pains in my abdomen. What was very painful twitching is now more of a mildly painful vibration.
As I simultaneously assist others while observing the energy in my abdomen, I begin to see the energy with a different light. I have been assuming that these pains are emotional density that needs to be released, but intuitions now whisper that maybe these pains are resistance to the energetic flow of my power. Following inner guidance, I start to use my will to pull these pains up into my heart.
To my delight, the pains actually move upward and out of my belly, settling down into that nail-in-my-heart spot at the center of my heart chakra. Gradually, over the next thirty minutes, the pains dissolve and vanish. The squeamys are still there, but I no longer focus on them.
Energetic Feedback
A while later, as Keith works with a young couple he again looks toward me and asks if I would like to help.
“I was just thinking that I needed to be over there,” I respond after having ignored my intuitions for a minute or two.
As Keith guides the woman to release her densities to her husband, I hold space for the process, and add my own energetic assistance. I imagine little Sharon holding a magic wand, asking the density to come toward her while then zapping it midair with her wand, dissolving it into a pillar of transmuting light that goes both up and down. I play with this fun little metaphor for at least thirty minutes while continuing to fill with light and hold space for this young couple.
“Wow, Brenda,” Keith suddenly surprises me. “You are doing really well today.”
I love how Keith can feel my energetic growth, even though we have only exchanged a few words all afternoon.
Not Knowing
As the ceremony is close to dissolving, I again feel guided to go home before the porch clears. As I stand up, Keith makes a comment about my beautiful energy.
“Do you have any observations or suggestions to help me go deeper?” I ask with curiosity.
“No, I think you are doing great,” Keith smiles back at me.
As I rest late on Friday evening, I glow with delight about two back-to-back ceremonies of loving connection – ceremonies where I continued to do my own deep work in the background, but where I was also gifted with the opportunity to take a breather from deep-sea emotional diving.
I really have no idea what I did today … and I do not need to know. Before group today, I manifested a beautiful ceremony, and that is what happened. I moved some painful energy around, experienced a few deep intuitions, and simply played with the light while looking for clues and following gentle breadcrumbs.
Heart Surrender
After spending another peaceful day of writing on Saturday, I am delighted by the opportunity to spend a few hours in Skype conversation with a couple of friends on Sunday morning. As midday approaches on this April 15, 2012 morning, I make the very familiar walk out to Keith’s porch. I am eager and ready for yet-another chocolate journey.
Soon after finishing the Glow Meditation, I sit peacefully while observing Keith work with others. I often find the theme of my own journey by paying attention to my energy and triggers while simply observing and listening. The woman with whom Keith is working is really stuck in her head. As I ponder her dilemma, I feel guided to do something inside.
“Heart,” I silently meditate, “I have no idea what to do today, but you do. Will you show me what you would do today?”
Having expressed this quiet intention, I simply sit back on my cushion, watching, observing, and breathing energy into my heart.
I observe as Keith works with a woman who is obviously a very strong empath, but is quite stuck and does not know it. I then observe the same situation with another woman, and another. Finally, after Keith completes a quick round of working with many stuck people who are not ready to go deep, he turns to work with me.
Giving Is Receiving
“Keith,” I share unfolding intuitions, “I’m getting the feeling that the stuck energy today is about my process. It is taking me back into childhood when I was so stuck that I did not know what to do.”
“Brenda,” Keith responds as he points to a woman in the corner who is deeply stuck. “If you will open your heart and share with her what you never received as a child, you will find some new healing today. This process will help to heal you as you share what you need with her.”
Keith is not specific, but I know that as a child, I have no memory of receiving pure unconditional love – and I know I have a huge capacity to share such love when I am connected to the light. Soon, I am sitting in front of this woman, focusing on relaxing and energizing my own heart, asking it to then open up with pure unconditional love.
“Please do what you know how to do,” I ask my heart.
I then step back as before, getting out of the way, simply focusing my energetic attention on my heart chakra.
Trusting And Intending
As I imagine my heart connecting with this woman, I feel a gradual and very profound heart strengthening and opening. In fact, my heart feels so strong right now, that it reminds me of that profound heart-opening glimpse I had on Valentines Day in 2011 – right here on Keith’s porch.
As I feel the strength and empowerment of my heart, I also experience many little tickling pains in the high heart region. These tiny tingling pains are quite reminiscent of how I felt for nearly a month after opening my High Heart chakra just before Christmas in 2011. Intuitions tell me that another layer of my High Heart is beginning to find new life.
To my delight, I am also feeling new prickly tickles forming in my lower throat and upper shoulder region. Inner guidance tells me that all of these little pains are also the result of slight resistance to new things that are beginning to open.
The fun part is that as I share this expanding heart power, I feel deeply guided to do so without trying to understand or control it using rational mind. Instead, I simply trust that my heart knows exactly what to do, and I express my intentions for it to do just that.
Rational mind has no idea what I am doing … yet the energetic feelings in my body tell me that something magical is in process.
An Inside Energy Connection
As the afternoon unfolds, I follow little intuitions that guide me to share energy with this person or that, but mostly I simply sit in space-holding wonder.
I observe my favorite projection buddy returning to several of his old behaviors that used to bother me, and I am delighted that these behaviors do not trigger me at all.
“This is the kind of behavior that used to drive me crazy,” I ponder with clarity. “I used to give away my power and be miserable in situations like this. Today I am delighted and keeping all of my power. Wow, I feel no desire to judge at all.”
I quickly recall a discussion I had with a friend this morning – one talking about how it is possible to be happy even when digging trenches in a concentration camp (a reference to Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning”).
“I can be happy in any environment,” I giggle inside. “What others do or do not do has no power over my own personal divine connection. Maintaining my connection to Source is indeed an inside job, period!”
A Magical Training
Soon, Keith leads the group in an empath training. For the first time in a very long time, my heart does not shut down with fear as I ponder my participation. As I follow Keith’s guidance through the various phases of the training, I intuitively know that I am actually moving real dense energy, just as I had done earlier with a new woman named Tiffany. While working with her, Tiffany had felt my energetic assistance, and had provided me with valuable feedback. Now, as I practice during the training, I feel the same sense of intuitive confidence. I know I am doing something real, but have no way to prove it.
As the training nears conclusion, Keith begins to share deep understanding about how the Archangel Michael’s number one project is working with empaths. As Keith shares from his heart, his eyes swell up with joyful tears. Several others in the group simultaneously join in the tear-fest, as do I. The beautiful energy today is magical and powerful, and deeply emotional. My heart glows with pure love.
Giggling Surprises
“Wow, you had a good day today,” Keith glows at me as people start to leave.
“It was quite different for me,” I giggle. “I was not in my head at all. I did not even know what I was doing other than asking my heart to show me while I stepped out of the way.”
“Brenda, I have been reading your blog,” Tiffany interrupts and surprises me. “I found your blog when I was researching the pyramids.”
“Really?” I question with delight.
“We are Facebook friends,” Tiffany giggles back at me.
“Oh, yeah,” I respond with a smile. “I remember now. You sent me an email in early March.”
“You are quite the celebrity around here,” Tiffany builds up my ego. “I was hoping you would be at the ceremony today.”
I love such fun surprises. I know I write my blog for one purpose only – for my personal healing and integration – but it is delightful to know that others are reading and finding my journey to be useful in some way for them.
Honest, Blunt, And Loving
Hearing this conversation, another young woman jumps in to engage me. She is the same young woman who is a powerful empath but is deeply stuck – the same one who helped me release a great deal of inner resistance just a few ceremonies ago – the same one who had a deep disagreement with Paul – the same one with whom I shared a long conversation about relationship rules.
“Brenda, I am really confused,” this young woman approaches me. “Why can I not connect with you or read your energy or feel a bond with your issues or something?”
“Probably because you came here already having a negative opinion of me,” I giggle back to her. “You were biased by a certain person sharing rumors and gossip about me being a crybaby and a drain on the group energy.”
I say my words with love, but also with genuine seriousness. I am completely unattached to her response. To my delight, Keith jumps into the conversation, smiles, and fully agrees with what I just said.
“If you only see me when I am crying as if I belong in a mental institution, that may be a logical conclusion to draw,” I continue my loving speech. “But in reality, I have been doing some very deep core-issue inner work over the last five months, and someone who wants to judge me without knowing what I am doing would likely see only a crazy bitch that cries all the time.”
The conversation is very honest and blunt, but also very loving. This young woman seems fascinated by the feedback she saw others give to me, yet deeply puzzled as to why she herself cannot feel my energy.
Surprise Aggression
Suddenly the young woman playfully punches me twice, quite forcefully hitting me with her palm in the center of my chest.
“C’mon,” she raises her voice and tries to get me into anger, “you need to access all of that inner anger and let it out.”
After my initial surprise, I smile back at her and calmly respond with love, not having any attachment at all to the crazy thing she just did.
“I have done enough of that level of processing for now,” I giggle back at her. “I have nothing to scream out today. I have no emotion to release right now.”
“You might have on another day,” Keith momentarily interrupts the conversation, reminding me that this journey is a moment-by-moment adventure of following the flow.
“Yeah,” I respond with a smile, “but right now I am processing on a much deeper level, more involved in using and connecting with light and love. It is profoundly powerful for me in a different way.”
Tarot Teasers
As I later ponder the events of this beautiful mid-April Sunday, I have no rational-mind way to fully describe what I did today. At an intuitive level, I know that what happened was powerful and profound. On a rational-mind level, I only know that I relinquished control over to my heart and I experienced powerful energy buildups and flows in my body. Keith reassures me that when I stop trying to figure things out, that that is when the knowing will come. For now, I am quite content simply to know that I took beautiful steps today into the area of trust and surrender.
Before going to bed, I feel guided to draw a few tarot cards. First, I pull the “ten of pentacles”, letting me know that I am going through a major stage of completion in the physical sense. Next, I select the “Universe” card, which indicates another level of significant completion on my spiritual path. Finally, I randomly select the “Queen of Cups”, indicating feminine reign over the emotional world.
Before putting the cards away, I feel a twinge of guidance telling me to look at the bottom card of the deck. To my delight, it is the “Queen of Wands”, indicating feminine reign over the spiritual world.
I have no attachment to what message these cards may have for me. I simply trust the flow. It does not matter whether my present state is merely a much-needed resting point, a glimpse into where I am going, or perhaps something more permanent.
Trusting My Heart
These last seven days have been an amazing journey, beginning with deep pains in that nail-in-my-heart spot as I processed additional remnant layers of the betrayal energy that had become so obvious to me in a beautiful Easter Sunday sacred ceremony of symbolisms.
In the rumor mill department, I have taken what once felt like betraying words – complaining gossip spread by others – and instead turned them into meaningless words that are actually quite self-empowering when I no longer give them my power.
And then, when my heart nearly stopped after learning that I was going to lose my blog-hosting site, I quickly found the peace in my heart reminding me that all is well … and it was.
With the unexpected assistance of a Higher-Self orchestrated stage play, I then took another experiential journey, learning how I as a young child could be so confused by the difference between perception and judgment, and so stuck in the aftermath of being slammed for perceptions and psychoanalyzed by those who could not understand them. There never was a need to fix me with logic. As a magical child, I really was quite sane already.
It seems that at every turn, each moment of every ceremony is manifesting as exactly what I need it to be.
But most of all, I end this amazing week with deep gratitude for another experience in learning to surrender to the wisdom and knowledge of my heart. I am in the process of releasing the need to understand and control things with rational mind – of learning that I can simply express my intentions and then step back, trusting that my heart really does know the way.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved