“Brenda,” Keith speaks to me as the chocolate ceremony is beginning to start. “Go into meditation for ten seconds or so, and erase everything you thought you would be doing today.”
“Are you being guided to say that?” I ask curiously, wondering if Keith is channeling something for me or simply sharing wise advice.
“Yes I am,” Keith smiles back at me.
I was already in a state of simply focusing on love, regardless of what may or may not happen today in the chocolate ceremony … but Keith’s surprising words give me a little extra motivation simply to surrender, to allow, and to focus on love. Soon, on this Wednesday afternoon, April 4, 2012, I imagine myself floating down my river, doing absolutely nothing, planning nothing, and allowing everything.
Strangely enough, I find it harder to focus now then before Keith shared the above unexpected advice.
Invite The Light
For the third ceremony in a row, as the Glow Meditation begins, I focus on returning to a blissful and loving emotional state that I experienced while once participating in a Gregg Braden workshop. As I do so, a series of pains come and go in my solar plexus. I simply observe without judgment.
“How are you doing?” Keith turns to me when the meditation is over.
“I’m just watching energy movements in my body,” I respond, “but just now, during the last five minutes or so, I have felt the sensation of shaking fear in my abdomen. I am not judging it. Instead, I am just watching it, sending love, and allowing.”
“The fact that you feel it means that it is actually moving,” Keith reassures me of something I often begin to doubt. “Invite the light to show you what it would do. Then just allow and observe.”
Overwhelming And Overloading
The energy on the porch is very strange today. One woman is tired and scared of going into her emotions, being completely resistant to Keith’s suggestion about guiding her into meditation to understand why she has love hooked as being equivalent to painfully taking in the emotions of others. Keith then moves on. The next few people are silent, not interested in talking or engaging in any work. This pattern repeats itself over-and-over again as Keith works around the porch. I perceive that there is no group energy, and that no one is engaged in wanting to go deep in any way.
“Now how are you doing?” Keith eventually asks me when he completes his first round of the porch.
“I’m feeling my childhood confusion,” I respond. “I feel like an alien in a place where everyone is shallow and reserved. I don’t fit in. I am disconnected. Every sound that I hear – the side-talking, rocks being moved in the garden, boats on the lake, birds chirping – every sound feels like an energetic stab, shaking me and agitating me. It is very strange.”
“Am I regressing into another stage of my childhood?” I ask for Keith’s observation.
After implicitly confirming my question and telling me that the sounds are a metaphor for the other energies, Keith further engages me.
“What happens when you are so sensitive to energies and noises and emotions that they all feel like an energetic attack?” Keith encourages me to ponder deeper.
“Wow,” I respond a minute later. “I was an extremely sensitive child. Everything hit me like an energetic punch. I could not handle it. It was overwhelming and overloading me.”
“Focus on that word ‘overloading’,” Keith guides me to go deeper. “This is near the source of your ‘blown fuse’.”
“Wow,” I reply, “there was so much energy bombarding me as a child that I could not function. It overloaded my circuits … literally. I cried and even screamed from the painful energetic disturbance, and as I did so I took in even more angry, frustrated, scolding energy – emotional energy from the loving adults in my life who could not understand why I was crying.”
The Higher Good
After Keith and I discus this topic at length for nearly twenty minutes, he moves on to work briefly with a man seated next to me – a man that totally relates to what I just said.
Soon, Keith is working around this stuck and resistant porch for the second time. Eventually Keith stops to work with a woman that I will call Sophie. Sophie immediately launches into twenty minutes of telling stories and sharing surface level advice with everyone in the group, telling each person how she relates to what they are doing, blah, blah, blah.
“I’m so tired of your bullshit stories,” Paul suddenly interrupts Sophie’s meaningless surface rambling.
Paul’s words are delivered in a loud, attacking, almost-screaming tone of extreme frustration. For several minutes, Paul slams Sophie for being so shallow and disconnected from the process, ruthlessly criticizing her in various ways. Sophie stops talking and listens in shock.
Paul then takes the spotlight and asks Keith to go into a “relationship training” with the group. Sophie immediately attempts to calmly provide her own feedback to Paul about her perceptions of his dysfunction in relationship issues. Paul immediately yells back at Sophie, which turns into another angry exchange of words, mostly screamed by Paul.
I sit and smile quietly as an observer. I can clearly see how Paul’s feedback to Sophie is valid, but that his heated delivery is extremely out of proportion to the events. I can also clearly see that Sophie’s attempted feedback is, in my perception, spot-on accurate – but Paul is incapable of hearing any of it. In frustration, Sophie soon gets up and leaves the ceremony.
I have no idea what is about to happen, but I feel almost giggly inside that I am observing a trauma-drama-struggle exchange between two extremely stuck people and I feel no emotional attachment in any way. I simply trust that all is well, and will serve for the higher good.
A Sophie Day
When Keith eventually works his way back around to my seat, I again lovingly mention my perceptions.
“The lack of group energy – the shallow and disconnected porch today – has served me greatly,” I giggle to Keith. “In profound ways, it has taken me into childhood understandings about how I did not fit into the energetic world of those around me.”
“Yeah,” Keith jokes back with me after I share my perceptions of the porch. “It was a ‘Sophie’ kind of ceremony today.”
Keith is not being rude with his comments. He is referring to the fact that there have been several people on the porch in the last few months who bring with them an extreme energy of shallow stuck-ness. These people are very powerful souls – so powerful that their stuck energy has a way of pulling others around them into the same resistant vibrations. Sophie is one of those people who is so frightened to go deep into her own issues that her powerful energy of resistance deeply affects others. In fact, a couple of times in the past, Keith has actually had to ask her to leave because of how she was interfering with the group.
“Sophie was not the only one bullshitting today,” I giggle and smile at Keith, not mentioning any specific names or situations.
Giggling Amidst Attack
Within seconds, Paul jumps to his feet, walks around Keith, and stands about two feet in front of me, screaming at me.
“Brenda, I am so tired of putting up with YOUR bullshitting,” Paul screams at me. “You cannot even open up your own magic. I have had enough of your bullshit … sister … or brother … or WHATEVER you are! Blah, blah, blah.”
Paul’s angry ranting and yelling at me goes on sporadically for at least fifteen minutes.
Throughout this conversation, I simply ignore Paul and smile at Keith with amazement. I am blown away by the incredible high-vibration loving energy that saturates my soul. I am literally glowing with light from the inside out, giggling and smiling with pure genuine unconditional love.
“Wow, Keith,” I quietly share with deep joy. “This is amazing. Every word that Paul screams at me seems to fill me with more loving light and energy.”
Keith and I continue to talk and banter about this amazing experience while Paul continues to verbally attack on a frequent basis.
Trusting The Giggling Love
“I love it,” I giggle at Keith, “I love how I am so detached. I feel amazing love overflowing in my heart, but I also have a strong presence of anger and victimization parading around in my abdomen, demanding that I need to be angry, that I need to lash out and to defend myself from this vicious onslaught.”
“I know the emotions I feel are real childhood anger and victimization,” I add, “but I also trust that they are flowing and that higher energies know what to do.”
“Send some of that love down there to your abdomen and ask it to help,” Keith guides me. “Ask it to show you what it would do.”
“I love it,” I again giggle at Keith. “I am filled with so much energy as I do this, that I do not need any feedback or validation. I have absolutely no need to defend anything.”
“And you don’t need me to say or do anything either,” Keith smiles back at me.
“Yeah, exactly,” I giggle.
“Come on Brenda, scream back at me, get that anger out of you,” Paul yells at me, attempting to provoke me into accessing anger that he thinks I need to find and release. His repeated words are attacking, filled with what feels like vitriol and poisonous slander, even having attacked my gender early on. I can tell he thinks he is serving me in some way – that I am just whitewashing a reservoir of anger, and that he is trying to help me to access it.
Profound Energized Non-Attachment
“Paul, please disengage,” I eventually smile with non-attachment, “I do not have any anger at all that needs to come up, and you are not serving me.”
“I am yelling at you because I love and respect you,” Paul yells out, trying to further provoke me.
I choose not to even respond to Paul’s crazy off-base comment. I am in such energetic bliss that he could punch me and spit on me and I could just giggle back at him without saying a word.
Finally, after fifteen or twenty minutes of quietly discussing this amazing journey with Keith – while Paul continues to angrily interrupt and try to provoke me – I smile at Paul and again ask him if he would please just disengage – telling him that he is not serving me in any way. In fact, I have already lovingly asked Paul to please disengage several times. Finally, he complies and returns to his seat with an angry and frustrated scowl.
I sense Paul’s anger and dejection, but I do not really care what he is doing or thinking. I am overflowing with the most profound loving state of energized non-attachment that I have ever felt in my life.
Return Of The Lightning
“Keith, I am blown away,” I share with awe. “I am not attached to a single word that Paul screams at me. I am so empowered with beautiful energy.”
Seconds later, I notice that my hands are beginning to light up with powerful energy – another repeat-performance of what feels like small lightning bolts radiating from each fingertip. This powerful energy is quite close to the power of what I first experienced in late 2010, when this type of energy flow was an amazing novelty that graced my experience.
“Can you feel that?” I speak as I look into Keith’s eyes with a feeling of amazement.
“Yeah,” Keith responds with a huge grin. “That is powerful energy.”
I sit and play with this energy for a while before again engaging Keith in conversation.
Childhood Connections
“Wow, Keith,” I begin to share new insights. “I have never felt such love while being attacked by someone … while realizing that what they were attacking me with was total bullshit … that none of it is true … that they have no clue regarding what I am really doing or going through … that they are the one who is clueless and wrong.”
“This takes me right into childhood,” I continue sharing. “I realized for the first time that this is what in a very real way happened to me energetically as a child. My parents would never have used such vicious slandering words, but their underlying energy – which was expressed in the name of love and God, with the best of intentions in the only way they knew how – felt just as attacking, intolerant, confusing, and disempowering to a child who did not understand.”
My Own Unique Process
Finally, after Keith moves on to work with others, Paul asks for assistance in going deeper. I note with interest when he eventually brings me into his work.
“I think I am triggered by Brenda because she always gets me in trouble when I get into my power,” Paul shares with Keith.
I simply listen, keeping my mouth shut while smiling with love. I even imagine my little inner children going over to play with his inner child, hoping to assist in supporting his process.
I know that what Paul calls “getting into his power” is what I perceive as a deeply distorted expression of dysfunctional masculine energy. I clearly see that there is no point in me trying to engage Paul at this time. He can have his truth and his reality. I can allow him to see me as the problem that victimizes him and makes his life hard. I know the truth about my own heart, my own motivations, my own genuine love, and there is nothing to defend. Even if I tried to speak up, Paul would not be able to hear any feedback coming from my lips, no matter how loving my intentions.
In my state of powerful loving energy, I can see that Paul has been serving me beautifully – that I have been serving him beautifully – and that I can allow him to have his own unique process of projecting onto me. I only need to worry about my own growth lessons.
Loving What Is
As the ceremony closes, I briefly wait for Keith so I can walk into town with him. He is going to dinner with several others from the ceremony today. I am invited, but feel no desire to socialize.
As we talk on the way to the center of town, I again share my profound amazement with Keith.
“I’m a little nervous that tomorrow I will wake up with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of all the vicious things that were said to me,” I share concerns with Keith. “Right now, I am deeply loving and empowered, but this inner energy in me continues to insist that today I was deeply victimized … that I need to go home and drown in tears.”
“Just love whatever happens,” Keith reassures me.
“Exactly,” I respond with confidence. “I will just bring in Higher Energies and then love what happens … whether I remain deeply and lovingly empowered, or whether I end up as a sobbing, victimized, pile of mush.”
Profound Gift Of Grace
Keith and I talk from a place of profound empowerment as we walk together. He repeatedly praises me deeply for my experiences today, while at the same time I am so lovingly centered that I need no validation whatsoever. We talk extensively about how each person is in their own unique process, and how empowering it is to allow others to be where they are, without judging them.
“I am actually grateful for how Paul behaved today,” I express with loving confidence. “As A Course In Miracles talks about it, Paul is being my personal savior in so many ways – forcing me to face my inner nightmares in ways that no one else could have done. I know that his Higher Self is guiding him in his own powerful process … and I know that I have manifested him to play a role for me that has often been quite emotionally agonizing … all so that I could have a powerful experience like today.
As Keith stops in front of a small restaurant where he will join Paul and others in social dining, I hug him one last time, again thank him from a space of profound divine love, and turn to walk the final few minutes to my apartment.
I feel as if I have been given a profound gift of grace – an immunity to attack – a feeling that nothing can harm me and that love surrounds me no matter what. I have no idea if this grace is simply a glimpse or a permanent presence in my life, but either way I am grateful, and will allow the future to unfold as it does.
Opposite Parts
After a quick dinner of rice and beans, I sit at my computer eagerly scribing notes for the day. My emotions are deeply mixed.
Part of me continues to feel deeply victimized, demanding retribution. I send this part love, but also wonder if perhaps I need to allow myself to feel those emotions before they can be released.
This rebellious part of me is indignant, wanting to fight back and get revenge. It is angry about the public attack on my gender … about the “sister … or brother … or WHATEVER you are!” comment that Paul had made. This part is livid that such a comment was made, and then allowed without anyone defending me for such vicious and inappropriate slander.
But to my amazement, at least right now, the profoundly loving part of me remains in peaceful power, opposing nothing and loving everything that took place today, trusting that all is and will be perfect, whatever may come up in the next few days.
Tiny Tantalizing Traces
As I ponder back to the ceremony, I revel in the knowing that the amazing lightning energy that surfaced in the middle of this profound experience had lasted in a very powerful way for a couple of hours, mostly fading by the very end of the ceremony.
And a huge smile comes to my heart when I imagine the face of one of Paul’s friends who was visiting on the porch today. As she sat with Paul, supporting him in his own process after mine was over, she had made an express point of making eye contact with me, and radiating a warm glowing smile in my direction while holding her hand on her heart and gesturing an expression of profound love to me for what I did today.
As I finish up a whirlwind of note taking at the end of a very long and profound day, my fingertips continue to vibrate and tingle as I type. Tiny traces of that tantalizing lightning energy continue to flow and radiate throughout my body
Reveling In Rasha
While checking emails before bed, I come across an automated email quote from Rasha’s website for her book “Oneness”. The link is: http://www.onenesswebsite.com/.
I love the message, and carry the words in my heart as I drift off to sleep. The quote is as follows:
“Self-protective mechanisms, such as rationalizations for behavior that would justify one’s stance in a given episode, only serve to prolong the length of time that might be spent relinquishing one’s need to control the outcome of certain kinds of interaction. Eventually, there is no longer the need to react to circumstances calculated to provoke a predictable response in a conditioned way. When one is able to let go of the need to remain in command and to emerge from an encounter in a position of dominance, the accompanying energetic charge is diminished and the intensity of the interaction de-escalates proportionally. Ultimately, one ceases to manifest such levels of conflict entirely, as the energy that magnetizes them would not be present.”
Wow! These words are incredibly beautiful, and require no contextual explanation. They speak in amazing ways to the profound journey through which I have just passed. I love the synchronicities of the Universe.
Belly-Laughing Interlude
As I browse Facebook on Thursday morning, April 5, 2012, I stumble onto a link that makes me repeatedly belly laugh for what feels like the first time in decades. Months ago, I had watched the original YouTube video of a woman – a video for a dating service where she ended up crying and blubbering about how much she loves cats. Today, I find a link posted by a friend in Finland – a link where the video was morphed into a hilarious and upbeat music video.
I desperately needed the humorous break – and watch the hilarious video countless times – belly laughing each and every time – before finally sitting down for a day of passionate writing. For anyone interested, the original (unedited, not funny) video is at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc&feature=fvst and the morphed music-video is at : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4&feature=share.
To my delight, I note that as I laugh, I also feel a great deal of heavy dense emotion move and leave at the same time.
Pondering Painful Writing
After spending a powerful Thursday writing and publishing “Relentless Raging Regression Rapids, Part 2”, I begin to read ahead in my notes in preparation for writing that I plan to begin in a couple of days.
As I do so, I begin to panic. My next writing task is ominous. I will have to find some way to write about an agonizing experience of being lost in angry, pissed emotions – emotions related to extreme projections onto my projection buddy Paul – and similar unhealed projections onto Keith. I cannot believe the synchronous timing of it all.
Here I am, still basking in the glow of not being affected by Paul’s behavior yesterday, now needing to go back in time to one of my most painful projection days ever – a day about which part of me continues to feel deep judgment and anxiety.
“How will I possibly ever write about this?” I ponder in painful agony.
The synchronous act of preparing to go back in time to write about an unhealed experience brings dark ominous clouds to the part of me that was beginning to feel quite healed. The nausea in my gut tells me that I am in for quite the ride. I am not quite so healed after all.
Raging Freight Trains
Early Friday morning, the ominous weight of my upcoming writing task continues to depress and drain my moods. Several times, I meditate and attempt to raise my vibrations, but each time I sink right back into the depression of my next blog.
“These are not present emotions,” I remind myself as I ponder the dilemma. “These are very real past emotions flowing through me. In fact, I am not ‘doing’ any of this. All of these experiences and my writing are flowing through me, including all of the depressing crap that is on its way up and out.”
Suddenly, as I ponder my present state, a freight train of emotion railroads and overwhelms me. I quickly sit at my computer to write, but before I can type, teeth-chattering sobs, gut-wrenching tears, and coughing overpower me, as if a tornado appeared unexpectedly out of nowhere.
Quickly, I retire to my bedroom, allowing this intense wave to flow through me while muffling the audible sounds into a pillow. I let the emotions flow unobstructed, knowing that they are not me in the present, recognizing that this barreling freight train could literally kill me if I get in its way. I continue to express an inner intent to let the emotions flow, while asking Higher Energies, light, and love to transmute the emotions when I have felt them enough.
After about two minutes of fierce dry heaving, crying, and teeth chattering, the crazy emotional release vanishes just as quickly as it arrived. I feel much lighter now – so much so that I know I will be able to write my next blog.
Reservoir Of Fear
After finishing off the morning with a variety of reading and documentaries, I find myself sitting on Keith’s porch for an afternoon of journeying with chocolate. I feel somewhat grounded and empowered, but slightly disconnected from my heart.
During the Glow Meditation, as Keith guides two others in helping them allow and surrender to the energies, I follow along. To my shock and surprise, I experience a great deal of shaking in my belly – a lot of fear that wants to surface.
When Keith starts individual rounds, he begins with me and I quickly explain the fearful shaking.
“Just below the fear,” I then explain to Keith, “I sense a deep reservoir of intense emotion beginning to surface. It is frightening, filled with anger and sadness … it is overwhelming … I am not sure if I can go there.”
“I know this is an opportunity,” I share further self-insight with Keith. “I know it is something frightening that I saved for now … something to work with by using Higher Energies to help me move this density with light rather than trying to cry it out the hard way.”
“You are in a very good place,” Keith congratulates me. “Go into this emotion and follow your process.”
Keith then moves on quickly, leaving me to face these demons on my own. Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me knows that Keith trusts me so much that he knows I can do this … and that this is something Keith cannot do for me.
A Meditating Butler
Soon, Keith is working with a very stuck and frightened woman who literally spends the next hour in nonstop storytelling … making excuses for why she is a victim and cannot fix herself, blah, blah, blah.
As others continually disrupt this process with their own interruptions, I begin to realize that I am watching a stage play of my own childhood (and life). Keith tries to help this young woman, but she will not listen … she is not asking for real help from Keith … she does not believe it to be possible … she just wants to continue telling her stories. Finally, just as Keith is beginning to focus on coaxing her to go deeper, someone moves in with fixing energy and sits right in front of her, keeping her distracted from Keith, keeping her at the humorous surface level. Keith just watches it all, allows, and does nothing.
In this unfolding mirror reflection, this story-telling young woman is “me” – a deeply wounded child who is lost in the stories of why I cannot solve my problems using Higher Energies. I was so lost in my childhood pain that I could not (and would not) listen to Higher Energies. At any moment when I might have tried to start doing so, someone or something would quickly move in to distract me and keep me at the shallow surface.
As this scene unfolds, Keith simply detaches from the situation, closes his eyes, and silently meditates – waiting and available with love and assistance on his butler tray. I ponder the scene in front of me. The person sitting in front of this young woman, distracting her, is playing my mother – keeping me at the surface – keeping me from connecting to real Higher Energies. A man holding this young woman from behind represents my father, who had my back, but really did nothing to intervene in my childhood programming. And then there is Keith, representing God, just sleeping and meditating while I suffered. I see God as having abandoned me, doing nothing to stop the crazy stage play in which I found myself.
Throughout what I see as a powerful stage-play reenactment, I profoundly begin to feel the deep anger of my childhood – anger at feeling stuck, fixed, distracted, and abandoned by those who were supposed to nurture me. The emotions deeply agitate me, but I do not attach to the actors. Instead, I just observe the scene in front of me as it is acted out in my behalf.
The inner stories that begin to flow inside my mind are intense and overwhelming. These stories sink their hooks deeply into my soul, causing me to whimper and sink into the bottomless reservoirs of anger and sadness.
Quite The Paradox
As my personal stage play continues, I struggle to maintain a connection to Higher Energies. I am seeing the truth (with a lowercase ‘t’) acted out for me, but am becoming ever more hooked by the power of the unfolding stories – struggling to remember that these are stories from the past that are passing through me in the here and now. Right now, I literally hate being on Keith’s porch. I feel stuck and dominated by the energy of my expert leading actors and actresses. I am so tempted just to run away.
“I’m getting deeply sucked in by the stories … they are overwhelming,” I soon explain to Keith when he feels guided to turn to work with me. “I am realizing that I am being shown another angle of my God Drama. I have so much anger at God for abandoning me in these stories, and it is nearly impossible to ask Higher Energies to help me release the anger that I have toward Higher Energies. That is quite the paradox.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I struggle to maintain composure.
“Don’t get too much in your head,” Keith suggests when I begin to discuss this paradox at the mind level. “Just be in the process.”
“It is the game you are playing with God,” Keith soon reminds me. “In the God Drama, you will not cooperate with God until you get an apology.”
“Yeah, I see that I am so angry at God that I refuse to play the game until God gives me what I want by apologizing, and then provides me with the help and assistance that I deserve.” I express my rational-mind understanding.
“But I am stuck down here in the emotions. I know I am playing this game, but the emotions and stories that hold me here are intense. I need the energies to help me, but part of me simply refuses to allow them.”
“It is quite the stuck place,” I express my futility. “Do I just sit and observe and learn to ‘know myself’ right now?”
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” Keith smiles back.
Fixing Fears
I am deeply stuck while mild tears trickle as a token of the intense inner resistance. Suddenly, to my horror and surprise, the young woman who is the focus of my intense projections, the one who has been telling stories for an hour, comes over and moves in to help me. Right now, I see her as one of the biggest fixers on the porch, telling story after story, not allowing Keith to work with her.
“She wants to help me?” I ponder with resistance.
As soon as she leans in to physically touch me, I pull back, my emotions shift. I don’t want to confront this young woman directly. I have learned that my own resistance to fixing is often at the root of my problem, but this is simply not working for me.
“Keith, this is pulling me out of my process,” I express with confusion, hoping for guidance … hoping he will call her on her fixing and ask her to stop.
As the young woman begins to move away from me, Keith shocks me by pointing for her to move back in front of me. Trusting Keith’s guidance, I surrender.
Glimpse Of Peace
“She is moving massive amounts of resistance energy out of you,” Keith shares with me a few minutes later.
I know this woman is a powerful empath, but I have judged her deeply for not doing her own work. I am quite shocked to hear Keith’s words telling me how much energy she is moving out of me. I am still so shut down that I can feel very little of it, other than the fact that I do now feel much lighter.
Five minutes later, the young woman freaks out. She is extremely powerful and sensitive, but has not fully learned to trust and use her empath abilities. She moves away from me and indicates that she cannot do any more … that she is taking things inside and is afraid.
“Wow, I feel so much lighter,” I later apologize to her. “Thank you. You helped me so much.”
“Why am I still so judgmental and resistant to anything that looks like fixing by someone who appears to not be doing their own work?” I ponder in silence.
I do not know if this young woman “fixed” me, or if I simply released energy that she assisted me in moving, but either way, I have been given another beautiful glimpse of newfound peace.
Deeper Depths
As Keith works with another young woman on the issue of self-love, it registers in my heart that I am indeed doing extremely profound work … that I have uncovered some very pervasive and deep games in my resistance … and that I can be quite proud of where I am at in my process, and what I have done today. Rather than beat myself up, I begin to focus on my own self-love and self-acceptance.
As I stroll home from the ceremony, I eagerly note that it is time for the annual Easter procession through the center of San Marcos (and nearly every other town in Central America). After quickly running home to retrieve my camera, I let go of my process and spend a while being a tourist, snapping photos of the procession and the beautiful ‘alfombras’ (carpets of flowers laid out on the streets).
As I later take notes for my writing, I find myself in a very good space, but feeling deeply emotional. On the one hand, I know that I have gone as deep, or even deeper, than I have ever gone before – not in the level of tears, but definitely in the depth of emotions accessed. I was not able to remain there very long, but I began to access terrifying core levels where too much fear still remains preventing me from going any deeper.
Intuitively, I know that I am beginning to scratch the surface of the origins of my God Drama resistance – of the games I play with God that continue to keep me from connecting to Higher Energies.
Dining Delicacies
I am being very gentle on myself … loving myself … accepting myself … recognizing that what I did today and this week was profound. Yet at the same time, I feel a muffled emotion of hopelessness and futility as I ponder the scope of the bottomless reservoirs of emotion that I uncovered in meditations today.
“I am not going to push any of this emotion down … and I am not going to judge it either.” I ponder with self-love. “I’m going to give myself some slack … acknowledge my humanness … give myself a break … watch a movie … and dine on the delicacies of peanut butter and honey sandwiches with a huge bowl of popcorn.”
A Profound Glimpse Of Grace
As I open my email for the day, I again find another very timely email quote from the book “Oneness” by Rasha – one that resonates deeply with where I am. Following is that quote:
“By consistently reacting to conflict with the conscious intention not to “fuel the fire” by asserting your position and striving to emerge the “victor,” you affect the energy of each encounter in the highest possible way. For, when presented with a non-combative response, the adversary is not provided with the energetic tools with which to further escalate conflict, thereby diffusing the energy that individual brings to the encounter. By taking command of a potential conflict by consciously sidestepping it energetically, each individual makes a contribution, which is experienced globally.”
If I say so myself, I have taken several profound “sidesteps” this week to diffuse conflict with beautiful, energy-filled, loving, and non-combative responses.
I am actually quite proud of myself. The emotional roller coaster has shown me that what happened on Wednesday was indeed a profound glimpse of grace. I am not there quite yet, but I now have a clear understanding of where I am headed – a place so lovingly connected to Source Energy that nothing can bring me down.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved