After two long days of delightful writing in my blog, I am up quite early on Wednesday morning, March 21, 2012. It is going to be a very long day – a day beginning with an early-morning private chocolate ceremony followed almost immediately by an another afternoon public ceremony.
At 7:00 a.m., I find myself on Keith’s porch, eagerly helping to clean-up and set-up. A group of us had been on the porch late last night, tediously bagging over 250 pounds of freshly ground chocolate. When I arrive, there remains much work to do to straighten up and organize before the tour group arrives at 8:00 a.m.. I am deeply excited by the opportunity to assist in a ceremony with this group. Twice before, I have participated with similar groups, and they are always amazing.
Love, Confidence, And Peace
This early-morning ceremony is a much-needed breath of fresh air. After months of painful projections, regressions, and digging deep into emotional processing, parts of me have gotten quite lost in the pain of a lonely and disconnected past. As I visit with the group before we begin, a much needed burst of confidence reminds me that I do still have a fun social part of me that loves working with people. I seem to come alive as I laugh and giggle while the chocolate is served.
For most of the ceremony, I simply hold energetic space for others, imagining my heart as developing a personal connection with each of their hearts. Several times, I also assist Keith, participating as an empath, assisting in beautiful processes of emotional release.
This collection of amazing people has been traveling together for three weeks. They have developed a strong and cohesive group energy, which creates an environment of profound shared support.
By the time the afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, my heart is overflowing with love, confidence, and peace.
Pondering Pains
As a group of seventeen magical beings crowds Keith’s porch for an afternoon of inner journeying, it is soon quite obvious that the porch is filled with a large percentage of empaths.
I quickly find myself facing my own inner fears as I observe the work of others. It seems that every time Keith works with someone else, their work deeply resonates with me, deeply triggering my own process. I watch with special interest as a woman regresses into agonizing pains from when she was five or six years old. As her work unfolds, I experience deep pains in my own solar plexus. Intuitively, I know that the pains I feel are not my own – that I am simply “reading” the pains of my friend. Keith quickly confirms my intuitions, reminding me that my heart is open and strong, and that I am simply learning more about my own ability to literally feel the pains of others inside my own body.
“Wow, this really hurts,” I ponder silently. “It really, really, really hurts. If this is what I felt as a child, how could I possibly have survived that onslaught of pain? How could I have allowed myself to be joyful when doing so caused me to feel so much of the pain of others? Not only did I have love hooked together as resulting in pain, but I did the same with joy and play. Whenever my magical heart was happy and open, I took in this type of agonizing emotional pain. I then cried or acted out in some way– and was punished for doing so – causing me to take in more pain, self-hatred, self-judgment, and self-flogging.”
“No wonder I cannot remember being joyful as a child.”
The Sword Of Truth
As I drift through meditation, I find myself playing with Archangel Michael’s Sword of Truth … asking Michael to cut me free of my doubts, my fears, and the dysfunctional emotional hooks that no longer serve me. But I do not attempt to control or fix anything. Instead, I simply ask that “whatever I am ready to let go of be taken from me”. I remain in the back seat, watching as an interested observer.
After a while, I begin to feel a really nice energy opening up in my head, especially on the back side from the top of my neck up to my crown chakra. I love such energetic reassurance that all is well.
As Keith conducts an empath training with the many gathered empaths, I zone out and continue to explore my relationship with Michael, just playing with visualizations of the Sword of Truth. To my surprise, even without consciously participating in the training, my solar plexus begins to fill with sharp pains. Again, I believe I am “reading” the emotions of others rather than actually eating them and storing them inside of me.
My Personal Sword
As the empath training concludes, Keith breaks with normal routine and quickly moves into a subconscious basket meditation. To my shock, as I imagine a metaphorical basket suspended in the air in front of me, I get a brief-but-very-clear intuitive image of the Sword of Truth that unexpectedly shows up as lying across the edges of the basket.
In meditation, I imagine myself picking up this sword, grabbing the handle with both hands, with the tip pointing to the sky above me.
“I am the owner of this divine sword,” I ponder the magic that is being shown to me. “It is my own personal Sword of Truth … my magical gift from the Universe.”
Soon, I quietly slip into Keith’s house to retrieve a long pointed quartz crystal that Keith occasionally brings out during ceremonies. I hold it in my hand for the remainder of the ceremony, imagining it as physically representing the empath magic that I am gradually opening.
I do not share my metaphor with anyone, so I am quite surprised when a man across the porch asks Keith for guidance. He too found the Sword of Truth in his basket. In all of the times that I have done this meditation, I have never seen anyone pull this metaphorical sword out of their basket. Today, as I quietly bask in my own meditation, I am blown away by the energetic confirmation – a synchronous message telling me that my own meditative experience is very real indeed.
An Uncomfortable Pause
I soon find myself delightfully enjoying a long period of silent meditation on the porch – something that occasionally just happens when Keith feels guided to disengage and wait for more guidance. Peace fills my heart as I simply breathe.
Suddenly, Paul interrupts the silence, suggesting that we should do a “Pillar of Light” meditation.
“Quit trying to run the ceremony,” is the first unexpressed thought that runs through my mind as I begin to automatically project “past stuff” onto my projection-buddy Paul.
“When there is a quiet spot in the ceremony,” I continue silently projecting, “just let Keith do what he is guided to do.”
Suddenly, I remember that I have recently been projecting my mother onto Paul, and I make a deep intuitive connection about what is really going on in my process.
“My mother never let me have a quiet moment to myself,” I begin to ponder with clarity. “Whenever there was an uncomfortable pause, she interrupted me and tried to fill my life up with busywork.”
An All-Consuming Face
Rather than resisting Paul’s timely suggestion, I eagerly immerse myself into the meditation – but to my dismay, I meet fierce internal resistance at every step.
First, I am unable to imagine myself as sitting on a thin layer of light. Then, I struggle, trying to fake-it-till-I-make-it, barely able to imagine a support layer of this same light as it curls up around my hips. When Keith then guides us to send down roots to the earth – to the center of the Divine Mother – I find myself in extreme difficulty as I attempt to imagine such roots growing and descending from my root chakra.
Then, to my shock, as I continue in deep-but-distracted focus, I begin to shake with fear as my dear earthly mother’s face suddenly consumes my meditation. I am trying to connect and root myself to the pure unconditional love of the Divine Mother, but this visualized face has a different agenda.
I feel deep fear as I ponder sending down roots into the conditional nature of my mother’s love. She loved me deeply in the only way she knew how – in a way that literally put a leash around my neck.
Emotions of terror flood my body as I experience sudden brief-but-nightmarish regressions. A feeling of red-alert causes my body to physically shake as I involuntarily regress into the energies of control, manipulation, fixing, and loving judgment that clouded the perception of love in my childhood.
I cannot send those roots down … not now.
Waves And Cycles
The level of this regressed terror deeply catches me off guard. I quickly wield my imaginary Sword of Truth, asking Michael and my inner energies to release me from that which no longer serves me – to release me from the doubts, fears, panics, hooks, etc. As I do so, I begin to feel peaceful energy slowly lowering from my heart, filtering toward my solar plexus.
But then, my dear mother’s face again unexpectedly enters my visualization, and I once more I start to shake with inexplicable terror.
“I know that my mother’s love will control me,” I ponder in this craziness. “Her love will try to fix me … and micromanage my life.”
For more than a half hour, I sit quietly in this bizarre emotional meditation. I shake and cry in waves and cycles as the loving energy descending from my heart gradually approaches my belly button. Each wave of emotion begins with another visualization of my mother’s love. Between the tears and shaking, I find brief moments of peace and calm.
It feels as if something in my solar plexus is healing, or perhaps opening, but I attempt to stay out of rational mind – to stay out of the way – and instead simply watch and observe this completely unexpected journey unfold inside of me.
Ignored And Abandoned
Finally, after an unusually short session, people begin to filter away from the porch. Soon, I am left alone, still in the middle of my process, continuing to allow this bizarre and painful emotion to flow through me.
“You did great work today,” Keith briefly shares in passing as he walks into his kitchen to begin evening chores.
I want to finish my inner work. The hour is still early, and I suddenly feel deeply annoyed, abandoned, ignored, invalidated, and cut-short … as if who I am and what I am doing is not important to anyone else.
“Keith,” I call out into the kitchen, “can you please help me with my process?”
“Brenda, you are doing beautifully,” Keith responds with what I perceive as an extremely impatient and frustrated tone of voice. “You wait until the very end to begin your work, and then you want help.”
“Keith,” I again call out through the doorway, “I did NOT wait until the end. It is not even the normal ending time yet. I have been following my flow all day, and this is where it took me. I have been lost and alone in this emotion for a very long time.”
“Well, let me check,” Keith responds in what I again perceive as a frustrated and impatient tone.
“I’m getting that you are just fine,” Keith responds a few seconds later. “You are doing powerful work.”
Again, the kitchen goes silent. No help is offered.
Caught In The Act
As I ponder my deep annoyance at feeling invalidated, ignored, and abandoned, I begin to realize that I am profoundly reliving emotions from childhood.
“This is exactly what my mother did to me when I experienced deep emotions,” I ponder with clarity. “She was frustrated and impatient with my tears and need for assistance. She put me down, left me alone in my room, and ignored me … making me feel as if my tears were not important … as if I were bad and wrong for asking to be helped and understood.
“You are sounding and acting just like my mother treated me,” I call back into the kitchen with growing clarity. “You are modeling her frustration, impatience, and refusal to help me.”
“In fact,” I quickly add a request for confirmation, “this whole scenario of feeling ignored and abandoned at the end of ceremony, which has recently happened several times, is exactly what happened to me as a child, isn’t it? As a child, I was never given an outlet to process my emotions. When it was my turn, the support vanished. I was invalidated, my parents were impatient and frustrated with me, and I was told to just quit crying.”
To my delight, as I begin to find clarity, Keith soon steps back out to the porch.
“You are role playing and channeling my mother right now, aren’t you?” I suddenly challenge Keith with a big smile of recognition.
“Brenda,” Keith grins back at me. “That is what I am here to do.”
No Reason To Cry
“If you insist on crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry,” I soon blurt out a painful phrase.
“Ouch,” I begin to cry as Keith watches on. “That is what I did to my own children. It was done to me when I was tiny, and I passed along that invalidation and emotional abuse.”
“The piano really was one of the only outlets I had to release emotion in a safe way,” I share with Keith in newfound clarity. “It was difficult for me to release my emotions any other way, without creating more problems.”
Profound clarity continues to unfold as Keith and I converse. I realize that as a tiny child, I really was an alien, labeled as an emotional crybaby, not understood, and not validated. People were frustrated with me, impatient with me, and I was not allowed to process my confusing empath emotions – because there was no visible socially acceptable reason for me to even have those emotions in the first place. I was invalidated for trying to talk about my feelings, cut short if I began to share, abandoned and left alone by the very people that I needed to understand and help me.
“And today in the last part of the ceremony,” I share with Keith, “my mother’s face represented all of that love that should have understood and helped, but instead came with conditions that literally invalidated me and my magical essence … nagging, controlling, and micromanaging my life until I finally gave up and joined the cultural herd.”
A Controlling Collar
Keith soon walks back into town with me. He is having dinner with several people from the ceremony today. I have been invited to join them, but am exhausted and drained … and I am actually eager to isolate myself, to continue integrating the emotional insights that are flowing through me like a river. Part of me knows that what I need right now is to be alone … to have time to think and just be.
As I sit in my dark living room, I ponder the deep love that I have for my mother … and I know that she also loved me in genuine ways. Yet, I am blown away by the image of her stern face that continues to pop into my mind as I ponder that bizarre “Pillar of Light” meditation earlier this afternoon. That terror and shaking fear were real.
I do, and always have loved my mother … but I am profoundly clear that the conditional nature of her love did indeed traumatize me deeply when I was a young child. Her motherly love actually felt as if someone put a tight controlling collar on my neck … as if my own right to be an individual were being sacrificed. The only love I knew at the time was forcing me to give up who I am and to instead join the collective – a collective that made me feel as if I were an alien.
A Growing Inner License
As I lay on my pillow, late on Wednesday evening, I ponder something Keith had shared during the ceremony today. He indicated during the empath training that some people open up their magic very quickly.
“But some people have so much dysfunction inside because of how their magic caused problems,” Keith had added, “that they need to spend considerable time in cleaning up that dysfunction first.”
As sleep begins to consume me, I clearly recognize that I am among the latter group. And I am actually grateful for my dysfunction. I am learning so much compassion for others … and the experience of healing my own inner issues is ever strengthening my growing inner license.
Powerlessness
Thursday morning, prior to beginning another long day of writing, I take the time to watch a full length Abraham video … one titled “The Secret Behind the Secret, Part 1.” As I devour the beautiful messages in this video, I begin to find great clarity behind a few of my painful projections onto Paul from the past few months.
Following is a powerful quote that happens about thirty minutes and thirty seconds into the video.
“When you see someone who behaves in a way that is upsetting to you, and you cannot do anything about it, that feeling of powerlessness that comes over you is the strongest factor in disconnecting from your Source Energy.”
As Abraham talks about “powerlessness to change a situation”, I realize that this issue – which I have been profoundly projecting onto Paul as “powerlessness to protect my sacred space on Keith’s porch, and Keith doing nothing to change it” – was actually one of my most profound core issues as a tiny child.
“I was absolutely powerless to change my life situation as a child,” I ponder as tingles consume my body. “I felt the hopelessness and futility of being stuck in a place where events around me were painful and not to my liking, but as an innocent child, I was powerless to change a thing. I finally just gave up and disconnected from Source. I felt as if God had let me down, and that I would never receive help from the one source that should have had my back.”
An Exciting Start
Friday morning, March 23, 2012, begins in an exciting way. I begin by pulling a beautiful Tarot card. Then, in a beautiful Skype call with my dear friend Pyper in Alaska, we giggle with delight as we confirm plans for her to come visit me in about a month. Next on my magical list is picking up my two new debit cards from a friend who just returned to San Marcos late last night. Finally, after reading a powerful chapter in the book “Oneness” by Rasha, I pull another powerful Tarot card.
I could not imagine a more beautiful way to begin what I hope will be a profound Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony.
“You have really nice energy today,” Keith makes a passing comment at the beginning of the glow meditation.
As the meditation progresses, my heart feels alive, opening, and strong. I invite higher love to fill me, and as I do so I feel beautiful energy in my crown, but I also note that my lower chakras continue to feel dead. As I invite energy from Mother Earth to fill me from below, the resistance from Wednesday begins to fight back. I quickly abandon attempts to connect with the Divine Mother, and for now, choose to receive the love that I am able to allow.
Reframed Perceptions
As Keith begins working with individuals, I note with curiosity that this is one of those days where Keith seems deeply guided to focus a great deal of attention on certain individuals who are ready for some type of major growth. As I observe the unfolding scenario, strong inner guidance tells me that I might be journeying mostly on my own today. I quickly get right to it, returning directly to the resistance from Wednesday – to the place where I was unable to connect with the Divine Mother – to the place where my dear mother’s visualized face caused me to sink into inexplicable waves of tears.
As I sit in this painful place, tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. Soon a young Spanish woman comes over and takes hold of my hands, attempting to console me and make me feel better. Immediately, my emotions vanish, and I am about to ask her to please stop.
But instead, I realize that her intention is genuine, that being pulled out of my process is a choice over which I have power, and that I can choose to instead reframe my own thoughts – seeing her as an angel feeding me with powerful space-holding unconditional love. Soon, I am able to reconnect with my intense emotions. I am quite proud of myself for how I am able to take what I could easily have labeled as fixing energy, and turn it into a powerful metaphor that supports me while I release a great deal of emotion.
An Un-climbable Wall
As Keith works with a young woman across the porch (I will call her Stephanie), I watch with curiosity as some of what Stephanie does relates to my own process. She is deeply stuck in a mental blockage that keeps her from moving forward.
Soon, I find myself in a very familiar place, stuck at the bottom of my own wall of glass – an impassable obstacle of thick un-climbable glass that is five meters tall. My obstacle today is that I am unable to connect with the Divine Mother. I desperately want to get over that wall, to connect with this loving energy, but I clearly realize that my rational-mind does not have the slightest clue as to how I can possibly do that.
I attempt to surrender, to simply allow, letting myself freely feel what little love that I can feel. I imagine myself standing in the hallway next to that metaphorical “circle-of-friends” room where all of my divine-being friends hang out … but I still cannot enter. A huge hidden part of me remains too frightened to feel that profound love. In my conscious mind I desperately crave that love, but something inside is terrified of receiving it, absolutely knowing that I do not deserve it, that connecting to it would overwhelm and destroy me.
I attempt to imagine a group of beautiful earthly friends filling me with love. I know that such divine love is freely available, that it is everywhere around me if I can simply remove the blocks and allow myself to receive it. But I am stuck … hopelessly stuck … so stuck that fear-filled tears begin to trickle.
Help, Please
While focusing on allowing pure divine love to join me in my stuck place, I notice someone on the porch holding a crystal. Seconds later, responding to intuition, I return from Keith’s kitchen, holding his large wand-shaped quartz crystal – the one that reminds me of my own personal “Sword of Truth”.
I quickly close my eyes and imagine myself as a young child, using this sword – my own magical sword – to cut away the lies and conditioning – to cut away my resistance and fears that prevent me from allowing the love that another part of me craves.
Soon, Keith surprises me when he pauses and asks if anyone else needs help. After a long pause, I speak up.
“Yeah,” I respond, “I could use some help in my stuck-ness.”
I quickly fill Keith in with a brief summary of my metaphorical and emotional journey.
A Puzzling Paradox
Suddenly, as I share about how I am holding my “Sword of Truth” at the bottom of my wall, Stephanie interrupts up with a question.
“What if those Divine Friends and your Sword of Truth ARE the wall that is blocking you from moving forward?” Stephanie asks.
I deeply resent Stephanie’s question. It makes no sense to me, and feels like she has no understanding whatsoever about the metaphorical journey on which I am traveling.
It is only as I write, nearly seven weeks later, that I semi-understand what Stephanie was trying to tell me – that the act of trying to do something so that I can get over the wall is the very act that is keeping the wall in place … making the wall real and impassable. As I ponder while writing, my mind returns to a quote Keith often paraphrases from the description of the Osho Zen Tarot Burden card – one that talks about the truth not needing to be found … that the truth already is … that seeking after the truth is the lie’s way to hide.
“Am I really creating that block to love, simply by trying to find a way to receive it?” I ponder the puzzling paradox. “Is seeking after the love, the love’s way to hide?”
A Confusing Touch
“Can I come over and touch you?” Stephanie surprises me with her next request.
To my surprise, after I say “yes”, Stephanie walks over to my pillow, briefly touches the fingers on my left hand as she takes the crystal out of my hand, and then returns to her seat on the far side of the porch, taking my crystal with her. I am quite annoyed about losing my (Keith’s) crystal, but deeply curious as to where this joint flow might be taking us.
I simply stare across the porch, making deep eye contact with Stephanie.
“How are you feeling now?” Keith asks after a few minutes of silence.
“I’m feeling a little lightness spreading in my heart,” I respond with confusion, feeling somewhat amazed by how Stephanie’s brief touch is energizing me.
Soon, Stephanie sits directly in front of me, takes my hands, and we share energy for most of the next hour or two.
Energizing Energy
Stephanie seems deeply energized by my energy … and I feel the same effect from her energy. Intuitively, I recognize that I am using Stephanie as a transparent channel for the divine feminine energy that flows through her into me, and that I am a similar channel for her. Keith has moved on, while Stephanie and I continue in this beautiful process. We talk quietly between us in what is a profound experience for both of us. Stephanie shares about how she is terrified of giving love to others. I respond by sharing how I am terrified to receive pure divine love.
We are talking quietly, in what is actually a very deeply shared joint process/healing exploration together. I find it almost humorous when Paul soon interrupts Stephanie, asking her to please be quiet and to hold space for what is happening across the porch. We are not being the least bit disruptive or inconsiderate.
“Just ignore him,” I smile with confidence as I continue talking to Stephanie.
I find it quite fascinating how someone who is still an occasional disruptor on the porch is now attempting to play the other end of the script, scolding us for softly chatting during a very deep life-changing process – at least for me. On a side note, I clearly see my projected mother in this perception of Paul’s behavior.
A Painful Wall
As Stephanie and I continue working together, I soon feel a sharp and painful wall form across my heart chakra, feeling as if it is near the surface, just beneath my ribs. Intuitively, I know this is my resistance to bringing in the Divine Mother energy … I know that part of me erected this wall to stop me from doing so. I begin to cry lightly in small tender waves.
As we continue to whisper our profound insights to each other, I recognize that I am gradually, ever so slowly, bringing in some pure divine love to my heart. This energetic wall across my heart is painful and obvious. I do not judge it and I do not attempt to fix it, but instead simply observe and trust that all is well.
Soon, the empty cushion beside me to the left becomes occupied by a woman (I will call her Beth) who has been on the porch a few times before – a woman who is deeply stuck in her stories, and who has a very stubborn feeling to her.
Honoring Me
“Will you please be quiet,” Beth angrily whispers to me with a serious scowl in her face. “I am trying to hear what Keith is doing across the porch.
“I’m sorry, but I am in the middle of a very deep and profound process for me,” I respond lovingly. “We need to keep talking about it, and we are whispering. If you want to hear Keith, why don’t you just move closer to where he is working?”
Beth scowls back at me and begins to go into a dramatic vocal expression.
“Me, me, me, selfish, selfish, selfish, all about you, me, me, me,” Beth taunts me with childish, self-righteous, ranting, criticism about how I am so horribly inconsiderate and selfishly victimizing her.
As I observe this scene, I am quite delighted about how lovingly empowered I am, and continue to be. I feel no judgment or resentment whatsoever towards Beth, and I am quite clear that my process right now is beautiful, profound, and deeply important for me.
For the first time in my life, I clearly feel no guilt about knowing that I need to honor myself and my process, that I need to give myself permission to heal, regardless of any criticisms that naysayers around me may throw in my face.
Unconditionally Loving Empowerment
Suddenly, new and very profound recognition and insights flood my awareness. With a huge smile and pure love in my heart, I respond to Beth.
“Thank you so much for showing me what my mother did to me,” I lovingly whisper to Beth. “This is really quite powerful for me.”
“Me, me, me, selfish, selfish, selfish, all about you, me, me, me,” Beth again goes into trauma and drama as she repeats her angry words about how horribly inconsiderate I am.
“Wow, this is really powerful,” I again respond with pure love. “Thank you so much for showing me how much my mother tried to shut me down in the middle of my emotional processing as a child.”
As I stare into Beth’s angry eyes, with no judgment felt or intended, I literally feel as if an angry witch is staring back at me, attempting to control and humiliate me into conformance with her wishes. I simply continue to smile as my heart radiates with profound loving clarity and awareness. I hardly even notice when Beth storms off to a different seat and soon exits the ceremony entirely. She has done so before, and she will be back … or not.
“I cannot believe how profound this is for me,” I ponder with delight. “I have lovingly stood up for myself, my needs, my childhood self, following my heart, doing what is right for me, without letting an angry witch shut me down with guilt. And I did it from a state of calm, unconditionally loving empowerment … not having any type of in-your-face attitude, no emotional charge whatsoever … just a smile and a gentle suggestion that Beth might consider moving seats.”
A Quiet Release
Continuing to feel nothing but love in my heart, I sink into inner excitement about the profound insights that were just triggered. I realize that, in a very huge way, I have just been given an amazing gift – a gift of deep understanding regarding how I, as a child, was rarely allowed to process emotions without having guilt and resistance dumped on me for being a disruptive child. My needs did not matter. All that mattered was that I keep my mouth shut and not disturb the peace of those around me.
As I further disengage and go inward, giving myself permission to feel intense anger at my beloved mother, I begin to cry quietly. For a long while, I go into intense release while doing so extremely quietly, still remaining quite aware that an important process is also taking place across the porch.
My process includes a variety of deep muffled sobs, quietly whispered swear words, and gut-wrenching dry heaves of energy that I literally feel leaving my chest region.
Lightning Love
Soon, as this intense-but-quiet release subsides, I begin to experience a noticeable lightening of the energy in my chest as mild lightning bolts begin to run through my hands and fingertips. It seems that the more I release the internal blockages, the more such magical energy begins to wake up in my hands and elsewhere. I still remember the first time such energy spikes dazzled me as they surged out of my fingertips back in November 2010. Today’s energy show is powerful, but nothing like that initial experience.
“Can you feel that?” I ask Stephanie with a look of delighted surprise on my face.
“Yeah, I can,” she responds with a look of awe on her own face.
Keith soon takes note of what I am doing as he prepares for an empath training.
“Share that lightning energy with yourself,” Keith encourages me.
Soon, I place my fingertips at the center of my heart. As I do so, I begin to feel weak abdominal pains that migrate throughout my abdomen. These pains feel different from those I have felt before. At one brief moment, I feel a strong beautiful flowing channel of energy form between my belly button and my heart. When it soon subsides, I recognize that I have been given a quick glimpse of grace, showing me what it feels like to have energy flowing from my power center to my heart.
Frustration, Impatience, And Confusion
When the ceremony is over, I remain behind for what I imagine will be a very short and beautiful discussion with Keith. I want to ask about what happened between me and Beth.
“You were right to continue your inner processing,” Keith reassures me. “She was just looking for an excuse to leave early, and you gave her that excuse.”
“Can we talk about the work I did today?” I ask Keith for a few more minutes. “I do not feel done … I do not feel closure with my process.”
“Brenda, you know what you did,” Keith responds, “but we can talk about it if you want.”
As Keith talks, I pick up on what I strongly perceive as a deeply frustrated tone in his voice. Almost immediately, I feel triggered by what feels like his impatience with me – as if he is telling me something for the hundredth time and is tired of having to say it. Keith denies being impatient or frustrated when I ask him about my perception, but the exaggerated emphasis in his voice does not change. I perceive it very strongly. I feel unjustly attacked and judged and begin to sink into deep confusion regarding why Keith would be treating me this way.
It feels as if my mother is being profoundly impatient with me. I am simply wanting and asking for a little understanding and validation.
Palliative What?
In retrospect, I clearly recognize that Keith (knowingly or unknowingly) beautifully played the role of my mother for me – not slamming me with words, but instead triggering me through the subtle tones of his voice.
It takes me a minute to figure out that I have deeply sunk into my all-too-familiar loop of childhood confusion – one that I first wrote about over a year ago. I try to discuss this confusion with Keith, begging him to be patient with me, explaining that no matter how I struggle, I need him to be patient with me. But try as I might to defend myself, I feel as if Keith simply scolds and slams me … not necessarily with words, but with the way I feel about his overall way of talking to me.
“You have looped in this doubt and confusion over and over,” Keith firmly refuses to honor my request. “At this point in your process, continuing to give you what you want is no longer helpful. It is just palliative.”
“Huh,” I ask Keith to clarify that last word – a word that he has used before.
“It just fixes symptoms and gives you a non-solution, not solving anything,” Keith plays the tough role for me. “It just enables you to go around and around this same loop, over and over again.”
“But I was not in this loop when we started talking.” I protest. “You triggered me into it. How do I stop this? How do I break beyond this pattern?”
“You love yourself for being right where you are, for being stuck,” Keith responds with a loving tone.
Deep And Pathetic Confusion
“But I just need some rational-mind assurance to help calm me down from this confused state,” I again beg Keith to be patient with me.
“That is palliative,” Keith responds with a firm no.
“But I need it,” I protest.
“Brenda, I have given you that reassurance over and over,” Keith speaks in what I continue to perceive as a very impatient and frustrated tone.
“Please,” I beg Keith, “when I slip into this regressed childhood state I cannot help it. It does not help me when you are impatient and frustrated with me.”
“I’m just talking like I always do,” Keith insists.
“No you are not,” I respond with certainty. “Your tone is extremely impatient and frustrated.
“You’re just triggering this loop on purpose, aren’t you?” I suddenly have a flash of insight and clarity.
“That’s why I am here,” Keith responds with a grin.
A Confident Response
“You sunk down into the dense emotions and went into this confusion during the ceremony today,” Keith continues his apparent role play, again trying to see if he can suck me into more confusion.
“No, I did NOT,” I respond with unconditionally loving empowerment. “I was confidently following the flow wherever it took me – doing so throughout the whole ceremony. I intuitively knew very early on that I was not going to get a lot of guidance today, and I was great with that. I knew that I was going to be journeying mostly by myself today.”
“When I was at the bottom of that wall,” I continue in confident expression, “I was not doubting myself. I was following guidance that whole time, doing things to love myself and to help soften my resistance using visualizations etc…”
I continue this speech for a few more minutes, sharing beautiful details of my process, explaining how confident I had been in simply doing my own thing.
“It was only during this conversation that I got lost into this childhood confusion loop,” I lovingly share my truth. “I just wanted to discus my interactions with Stephanie and Beth, and to talk about the lightning energy I had felt again. And I was just hoping for a kind acknowledgment about what I am doing.”
God Drama Revisited
By now, I clearly realize what is happening. Keith has brilliantly triggered my loop of childhood powerlessness and helplessness – my loop of needing approval and needing a recipe – my loop of how asking for help only makes things worse. Whether he knows he is doing it or not, Keith has played his role quite well.
I am also quite proud of myself. I initially got lost in the crazy confusion, but am quickly finding the clarity to exit the loop … doing so with loving empowerment.
“This is your God/separation drama,” Keith reminds me when I share my insights. “You were not really angry at your mother, but were actually angry at God.”
“Processing this emotion with your mother,” Keith continues teaching, “is a step in understanding that ultimately takes one to what is behind all of that at the Deity Drama level. These arenas are where we gain experience and understanding in the core dramas that we came here to work with.”
I Took The Bait
For a few minutes, I sink into a round of deep emotional release surrounding the feelings of futility, powerlessness, and hopelessness that had been the theme of my childhood – the theme of feeling as if I was an alien who was forced to live in an environment that did not resonate with my soul. I recognize that I am right back into the realizations that were beautifully shown to me while watching that Abraham video yesterday morning.
“Thank you for taking me to this crazy place,” I share my gratitude with Keith when the emotions soon subside. “Thank you for helping me to deeply understand the pain and futility of myself as a tiny two-year-old child.”
“You probably tried to express yourself, to explain yourself, and to ask for help,” Keith shares his insights. “And every time you did so with your parents, it just backfired, making things worse. And then, being the empath that you are, you took in all of your parents’ frustration and stuffed it inside of yourself.”
“Yeah,” I respond with deeper understanding, “I really was an alien who had to simply give up like a broken horse. Resistance was futile.”
Again, I briefly discuss Keith’s skillful role-play with me. As difficult as it has been, I clearly see how I needed him to do that with me … how I needed to be triggered as part of my healing and “know myself” process.
Keith lovingly reminds me that future opportunities to enter this loop will continue to present themselves … until of course I no longer take the bait. It seems that this time I did nibble on that hook for a while, but I am actually quite proud of myself for letting go of the hook before it was completely set.
Real Life Metaphors
After A quick hug, I again thank Keith for taking me to such a profoundly difficult place.
“You are making wonderful progress,” Keith reassures me as I begin to walk away.
Upon arriving at home, I discover that my internet connection is down for the night. In a very real way, just as in childhood, I am alone and disconnected.
As I cook my usual rice and beans, I ponder how close I felt today – close to actually receiving some type of increased love. I know I am still in process. As the observer, I know that something quite profound is gradually shifting inside, and that rational-mind is not the tool. Nevertheless, rational-mind is somewhat frustrated and annoyed that it cannot figure out what to do.
Shortly before 10:00 p.m., as I rest my head on a fluffy feather pillow, the mind-chatter begins. It seems that even though I have found profound peace regarding the inspired role-play between Keith and I earlier this evening, that a little fellow called EGO has a very different idea about what took place tonight. As the endless stories begin to parade through my head, all hope of sleep begins to fade.
But such a crazy journey is best saved for another day … another very painful day.
A Wild Ride
The roller coaster ride of these last five days has been an adventure with fun thrills and blind frightening curves, involving three very different chocolate ceremonies and three long-but-rewarding days of writing.
On Wednesday, after a beautiful morning ceremony, I am shocked by the sharp turns in an afternoon ceremony as I learn just how deep my resistance remains toward receiving love from the Divine Mother, from Mother Earth herself. Even more intense is the terror and shaking that rocks my inner world when the image of my mother’s face pops into my visualization. It is an image reminding me of the “love is a leash” feeling of love being equivalent to control, manipulation, and being forced to join the collective cultural reality.
Thursday brings beautiful insights through a powerful quote from Abraham – a quote that helps me profoundly understand one of the main reasons I completely disconnected from Source – one of the main reasons for my ongoing God/separation drama. I experienced a childhood where culturally-normal circumstances deeply upset and traumatized me – a childhood where I was powerless to do anything about the pain – a childhood where I was forced to simply give up and conform.
In a very innocent way, Friday begins as a calm and relaxed continuation of Wednesday’s turbulence, but soon, pulls me into another blind curve of confrontation, loving empowerment, lightning bolts, and deep confusion as Keith’s perfectly-orchestrated behavior guides me into a profound “know-myself” process.
The ride is far from over, and I am totally unprepared for what lies around the next bend, but for now … just for now … I have found peace.
Riding this wild roller coaster, at least when viewed in retrospect, is turning out to be quite fun.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved