It is February 15 – the day after Valentines Day – the day after energetically connecting with beautiful and deeper dimensions of love. I wish I could hang onto this profound sensation of loving peace, but I know in my heart that I am still engaged in an unfolding adventure, that there is no such thing as “having arrived”, and that “this too shall pass”.
But I had no idea how quickly this connected loving peace would do just that.
Basking In the Light
After a lazy and relaxed Wednesday morning, I walk out to Keith’s porch for what I anticipate will be another beautiful afternoon chocolate ceremony. Approximately fifteen people fill the porch as we find the smile in our hearts and surrender to the usual “Glow” meditation.
As I focus on basking in the love of divine light, I begin to experience very familiar-but-mild aching in my solar plexus. Rather than judge this physical metaphor of emotional density, I simply focus on divine love, not attempting to fix the pain in any way. As I observe this process, nothing changes. The pains do not dissolve into the light, and no intuitive insights flow. I feel somewhat stuck.
Afterward, when Keith eventually turns to work with me, I share my experience.
“Bring in the light,” Keith coaches me, “and ask it to show you what it would do with this density.”
“That is what I am already focused on doing.” I respond. “But I’ll do it some more.”
Soon, I am back in silent meditation, focusing on getting out of my head and simply being the observer, having no expectations, just allowing and surrendering.
Spinning My Wheels
“I feel as if I am just spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast.” I share with Keith when he eventually returns to work with me. “I am still bringing in love and just observing, but nothing is happening.”
“Go into that ‘spinning your wheels’ metaphor.” Keith coaches. “There is something else that you have not yet gotten … something that needs you to find it.”
“But when I actively look for things, I feel as if I am in my head.” I respond in confusion. “I feel like I am pushing rather than following a flow.”
“Close your eyes and go back inside.” Keith guides me before again moving on to work with others.
A Sliver Of Light
Soon, I feel guided to invite my resistance energies to join me in a metaphorical inner conference room. As I visualize all of these energies gathered around a large oblong wooden table, I am surprised to note that the room is very dark. All of the windows are covered by thick louvered blinds. Soon I open up a tiny crack in one of the blinds, allowing a sliver of divine light to filter through.
As I feel the brightness of this light suddenly streak into the dark room, I intuitively sense that many of those seated around the table are quite squeamish and uncomfortable – but they remain in their seats.
As I sit for a while with this metaphor, I begin to feel the increasingly intense fear that permeates this dark room. All of these resistance energies are extremely frightened by the concept of bringing in any more light.
Emotions begin to consume me as the intensity of the fear becomes quite real … as does an emerging sensation of repressed anger.
Vanishing Emotion
“How are you doing?” Keith asks when he eventually returns to work with me.
After verbalizing my silent inner journey, filling Keith in on my metaphors, I ask for advice, indicating that I want follow this process with the assistance of Higher Energies.
“That is definitely our goal.” Keith strongly agrees.
“Go into this deep emotion,” Keith guides me after I begin to cry. “Bring in more light and take the light with you.”
“I thought I was already connected to the light.” I respond with confusion.
“Well, bring in some more then.” Keith reiterates his guidance.
As I focus on bringing in more light and love, the fearful and angry emotions that were pulsing in my body suddenly vanish.
“I feel somewhat cheated,” I express my confusion, “like the light just pulled me out of my process, causing me to lose the emotion completely. Part of me insists that I have to feel that emotion longer and deeper.”
“Brenda, the light simply transmuted the emotion in that instant.” Keith explains. “It is no longer there. That is how powerful your gifts are. You felt it to the core, asked for more light, and it vanished. That is all you needed.”
“Really?” I ask with surprise. “I felt violated and fixed when the emotion disappeared. I am smart, but I would have never figured that out on my own.”
“I needed the same assistance and feedback during my own training.” Keith acknowledges.
Somehow Squashed
As I sit in a state of “WOW” realization, my thoughts wander to the fact that I continue to bridle my feeling of joy, consistently resisting expressions of uninhibited laughter.
“I used to think this inhibition started at around age eleven.” I share with Keith. “But I am suddenly remembering being very young, sitting in the back seat of our family car, while my sister was belly laughing. She was having so much fun as everyone laughed with her – except for me that is. I remember that I felt extremely inhibited.”
“Even then, at what must have been around five years old,” I tell Keith, “I envied my sister’s ability to belly laugh. I simply could not allow myself to laugh like that … I was too nervous and self-conscious.”
“I don’t understand why or how,” I query Keith for insights, “but my ability to be joyful was somehow squashed at a very young age.”
Rejected And Sad
“That word you just recently wrote about comes to mind.” Keith talks in riddles.
“Huh?” I respond with a puzzled tone.
“Reverence,” Keith reminds me.
“Yeah, I think I was raised in a home where reverence was honored above all,” I begin to ramble, “and joy had to be reined in within acceptable boundaries. Of course we laughed and had fun during shared family activities – but something inside me always knew that if I laughed too hard or ‘inappropriately’, that someone would say something to rein me in, to ridicule and tease me, or to make me feel self-conscious – after which I would completely shut down, feeling rejected and sad. I was extremely sensitive.”
“Brenda,” Keith guides me before moving on. “See that child as the scared puppy under the sofa … frightened of laughing.”
A Pushy Giggling Gang
Meanwhile, as I ponder this lifelong fear of laughing, I observe a strange stream of events on the porch – and to my delight, I watch them without feeling any type of emotional charge or judgment.
First, I note that a new couple on the porch begins to work with a man I will call Bill – a man who has been profoundly stuck in suppressed anger for several ceremonies. At first, I am quite pleased by what I see. This couple and several others gather around Bill in a small circle. They hold hands, laugh and giggle, and attempt to get Bill to join them in their laughter. Bill does not laugh with them, but is not seeming stressed or resistant either.
Soon, however, I observe as this young couple begins to gang up on Bill, trying to push him deeper. Repeatedly I overhear as Bill tells them “I am not ready to go there today … maybe I can do that on Friday, but not today.”
But this couple continues to push. To my delight, I watch as Paul suggests to the couple that maybe they should stop – yet they ignore Paul and continue to push anyway. I deeply relate to Bill’s resistance, so I finally decide to speak up.
“You are trying to push him where he is not ready to go.” I lovingly express to this couple. “Pushing him right now will only trigger fears and cause his walls of resistance to go up even stronger, backfiring on the whole process.”
The couple ignores me too and continues to push, forcefully attempting to coerce Bill into joy and laugher. While watching this scene, I ponder how strong my own resistance would be if someone were to try to force me to laugh – to force that scared little puppy under my sofa to laugh.
Twice more, I express my truth to the couple, suggesting that they back off and stop pushing Bill. Both times, they ignore me, yet again.
Still feeling pure love in my heart, having no emotional charge, and being completely unattached to the situation, I withdraw and say nothing more, feeling complete acceptance, knowing that if this were critical that Keith would feel guided to shut it down (Keith is deeply involved in working with someone else right now).
A Pushing Reprise
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the porch, I watch as another woman begins to do energy work on a young man that I will call Steven. As I watch the unfolding events, “fixing red alerts” sound all over in my intuitions. Minutes later, three others join in the gang, including Paul, eagerly pushing Steven to go deeper, soon driving him to a point of resistant tears.
“I am not ready to go there right now.” Steven pushes back to this small group of well-intentioned healers. “I don’t want to do this right now.”
The group does not stop. Repeatedly Steven tells them he is not ready, but they continue to try to push him to move beyond his fears.
Not feeling guided to intervene, I simply observe and learn, wondering what the purpose of this might be. Soon, Keith asks me to join him in working with someone else. Before settling in, I ask him about the pushing that is going on – and Keith reassures me that all is OK. Trusting Keith, I observe with pain as I note that Steven remains quite shut down and detached for the remainder of the ceremony.
Double Delighted
Later, after a beautiful empath training in which I again struggle with fears of opening, I return to my seat and focus on my own energies.
Soon, Paul goes over to Bill and begins to push.
“Come on,” Paul laughs loudly in Bill’s face, “just laugh with me. Allow the joy to come in.”
“Paul,” I interrupt. “When someone cannot laugh, it is an assault on them to laugh in their face … attempting to goad them into laughter. You are pushing him where he does not feel capable of going right now.”
“I can laugh if I want to,” Paul barks at me. “If that is what I am feeling, I will express it.”
“Well, just for the record,” I respond. “For me … being so stuck in being unable to feel the joy myself … if you pushed me this way it would backfire in a big way. It would feel like ridicule, invalidation, and pushing … as if you were saying that my inability to laugh is wrong and stupid … that I should just get over it.”
I am delighted that I am having this conversation without any emotional charge or feelings of judgment. I am simply lovingly speaking my truth, expressing my own perceptions with confidence.
I am even more delighted when Paul reaches out his hand in a friendly gesture of a handshake and a knuckle bump – a loving acknowledgment that we can disagree without hating each other. I am very proud of myself for my non-attachment – for how I can perceive and express my perceptions without the attack, the emotion, the judgment, the resistance, or the self-flogging. Wow….
The Reverent Repressor
Soon, at Paul’s request, Keith guides the porch into a group meditation. My mind quickly wanders as I ponder the events of the last few hours … my childhood insecurities surrounding the expression of laughter … the metaphor of the scared puppy under a sofa (me, afraid to laugh) … and the obvious synchronous unfolding of events as I observe the pushy attempts of others in trying to force someone to laugh.
I begin to whimper with sadness as I realize the perfection of my conversation with Paul about how I thought it was so inappropriate to push joy and laughter onto someone who cannot laugh.
“This is me, pushing seriousness onto my own inner child.” I ponder as I begin to cry with flowing, gentle tears.
I feel deep guilt and sadness that a hidden part of me continues to take the “reverence-enforcer” role of scolding any attempts to push joy … to express joy. In fact, I feel deep gratitude toward Paul for how our little friendly spat unfolded.
“Wow,” I ponder with shock, “Part of me is that fuddy-duddy adult, repressing this child … and I still do not know why I do it.”
Self-Inflicted Discipline
I cry mildly in my own little meditative world while Keith continues guiding the group meditation.
“Feel that loving support.” Keith suddenly interrupts the group meditation and speaks to me.
“Huh,” I look up confused. “I’m not even following the group meditation right now. I am in my own little world, feeling a lot of powerful love in my heart, while simultaneously feeling deep sadness. I feel things moving around inside of me, and am experiencing energy vibrations at that nail-in-my-heart spot.”
“I think this shutdown of my ability to feel joy is part of the key to my blown fuse. It happened at a very young age. I was somehow not allowed to express divine joy and playfulness … believing that my heart must be contained within the boundaries of proper reverent expression. And now, as an adult, I continue to do to myself what was done to me … I discipline myself whenever I get close to unbridled laughter.”
Following The Flow
As the group meditation continues, I sink back into my own private reality. I am beginning to dip my pinkie into vast reservoirs of anger – anger at how my joy was somehow repressed – anger at a hidden part of my own energy that continues to repress this joy.
I recognize this hidden repressor as a very real energy – an energy that tediously enforces the no-joy-zone … the no-laughter-zone … unless of course I am in appropriate situations where I might allow myself to express a small amount of “proper and restrained” laughter in very limited doses.
When the group meditation ends, the ceremony quickly dissolves. Part of me was hoping to work more deeply into this emotion, but I can now clearly see that the flow is taking me in a different direction.
Inspired Courage
Steven quickly comes over and asks if he can sit by me. I quickly give him a huge hug, responding that I would love to visit.
“I admire your beautiful courage and the strength of your heart.” Steven blows me away with unexpected feedback. “I look up to you so much.”
“Wow,” I respond, “Thank you for the feedback.”
“How are you doing now?” I shift the conversation. “I could feel and see how traumatized you seemed earlier when people were trying to help you. I was really concerned.”
“Thanks for noticing that … and for saying something about it.” Steven validates my perceptions. “It was you, and what you said to the others that gave me the courage to finally ask them to stop. I feel so bad … they were trying so hard to help me … their hearts were in the right place … and I didn’t want to say anything to them … but you gave me the courage to ask them to stop.”
Conversations On Pushing
As this conversation with Steven unfolds, I notice that Bill is still seated across the porch, listening in.
“You too were pushed way beyond your comfort zone.” I speak to Bill. “How are you doing?”
Bill also acknowledges how people were trying to push him … minimizing the impact, while thanking me for noticing and being concerned.
Paul then jumps into the conversation. I was unaware that Paul was even listening.
“We were just doing the same thing today that you did with Chris last week.” Paul defends the pushing.
“No, it was not even close to the same.” I lovingly respond with confidence. “When I was working with Chris … I was aware that I was pushing a tiny bit, but I was constantly checking in with Chris to make sure that my help was wanted, repeatedly asking Chris to tell me to stop anytime. Throughout that interaction, Chris asked me to continue what I was doing, and the result was a beautiful one.”
I love how Paul is also noticing that both Bill and Steven are validating my words.
“I have a profound sensitivity to the energies of fixing and pushing.” I share lovingly with Paul. “Today I observed and perceived a great deal of it … but I did not judge … I did not get emotionally charged … and I provided loving feedback throughout.”
To my delight, Paul gives me a “high-five” and another knuckle bump, showing his approval at my ability to speak up without engaging in conflict.
Overthrowing Powerlessness
After the porch clears, I chat briefly with Keith, first touching base about the pushing energy today. Keith validates my perceptions and congratulates how I handled myself. I can clearly see how not intervening more at the time has served as a deeper teaching lesson for all involved. I love how that works.
Then I share more about my own process near the end – a process of connecting to the light, the sadness, and the hidden anger – wondering if I was accessing real emotions or just letting ego distract me from further connecting with the light.
“I was feeling a lot of love while I was crying at the end.” I ask for guidance. “But I’m wondering if perhaps I am scamming myself.”
“Trust what you feel.” Keith responds. “If you miss something, it will come back around … and if you felt a lot of love with the sadness, trust that perception.”
“What about feeling like I need to access this anger?” I dig further. “How do I do that with the light? I don’t want to punch and scream the anger out … I want to do it more smoothly.”
“Use the anger to overthrow the inner energy that is squashing you.” Keith responds. “Find the power to overthrow the powerlessness of simply being complacent with the energetic part that continues to suppress you.”
Bedtime Pondering
As I finish up my notes for this beautiful day, I remain slightly confused. I find myself in new territory, doing things differently, wondering if I really did anything at all today.
I ponder more about my childhood … remembering many times when I felt very happy. But then I realize that those times were always when I was stretching outside of the restricted emotional boundaries – singing in an amazing fourth-grade choir – playing the piano – and playing rough-and-tumble games around the neighborhood. But when I was home, in most other circumstances, I felt an implicit, restrictive, energetic wall that somehow suppressed my heart.
“It was only in acceptable creative expression or organized play that I was able to access that joy.” I ponder with new clarity.
“And wow, what a beautiful series of interactions I had with Paul today.” I ponder in a different direction. “He even hugged me when he left.”
Nagging Doubts
But as I rest on my pillow, nagging doubts begin to consume me. I am taken back to a few days ago when Keith asked me to access the power of the masculine voice inside of me – something that had originally been suggested by Paul several weeks earlier – something that had repeatedly confused and annoyed me ever since that original suggestion. The way Keith handled it had left me feeling deeply frustrated. After chewing on this, and not being able to spit it out, I write Keith an email, shortly before 10:00 p.m., asking for some type of clarification to sooth my projected confusion.
“Several times the same advice has come up,” I write to Keith in my email, “and just a few days ago (on Sunday) you again (along with Paul) gave me the same advice. I felt like you were speaking riddles to me, with me having no clue what you wanted me to try to do. […] What confuses me is that the way you give the advice it sounds like any dummy should understand what you are saying. I’m no dummy, but I am totally and utterly lost by the translation of the metaphor.”
“This is so silly … but it is really driving me crazy right now … like I’m a dummy or something … my ego is really chewing on this one LOL … I want to follow this clue, but am clueless.”
A Dunce Among Geniuses
Thursday morning I am up at 6:15. I feel so annoyed and detached that I delay any attempts at meditation. Finally, at 7:15 a.m., I slip into a quick round of deep tears and allow myself to go deeper.
As I meditate, I find myself connected to a little inner child who was unable to express perceptions. While deeply experiencing the agony of this intense pain, I invite the light to help me. But, as I step back to focus on the Higher Energies, the emotions suddenly vanish. Feeling as if I simply “lost” the emotion, I guide myself back into feeling it deeply, and again invite the light – and again the emotions vanish.
Both times, I feel violated and invalidated, shortchanged by how the emotions disappeared, feeling as if I must have just stuffed them down. I am so confused about what I am doing … so confused as to whether I am making progress in working with the light, or whether I am just spinning my wheels, just stuffing the emotions down so they will come back on another day. I am in new territory, feeling like a dunce in a school for healing geniuses … a logical software engineer trying to make sense of a right-brained world.
Games With God
“I have always ‘just known’ stuff such as my awareness yesterday of pushing and fixing energies.” I ponder with clarity. “But I have beaten myself up because I could not possibly know such things, and it was impossible to validate or explain how I knew them. So, throughout my life when I have perceived things, I always invalidated myself … just like I was probably invalidated when I tried to express such perceptions at home as a tiny child.”
“I have no physical memory of such childhood invalidation,” I further ponder, “yet when I meditate deep into inner child issues, I experience reservoirs of emotional pain regarding this invalidation – reservoirs that rise from somewhere deep inside … somewhere buried and hidden in my subconscious.”
But as I further ponder these issues, I realize how stuck I am, and how much I doubt my own perceptive memories – at least for right now. I recognize that I am increasingly playing out my God/separation drama with Keith – playing out my ego games of inability to trust and receive divine assistance, while projecting all of that drama and blame onto Keith.
Yes, I am playing out my God drama – the drama of the games I play with God – and I am doing it big time.
Lost And Frustrated
At 9:00 a.m. when I have still not received an email answer from Keith, I walk over to schedule a private appointment. I am getting lost in the craziness … in my self-doubt.
“I just responded to your email a minute ago.” Keith grins at me as he schedules me to come back at 1:00 p.m. for an individual session.
Keith has me read the response on his own computer before walking home. His email is actually beautifully written, filled with teaching and compassion … but part of me is so deeply confused and projecting that I still do not understand his logic. Even when I read the email a few times after returning home, I still feel lost and frustrated – so much so that I simply play computer games and eat popcorn before returning for my afternoon appointment.
Understanding Resistance
Keith’s email is filled with loving wisdom, but I do not fully understand until I re-read it during later integration, pondering, and writing. Keith explains that when talking about finding the energy of my “healed masculine self” he was essentially referring to finding the healed strength, support, and power within that the metaphor of a healed masculine self represents. He then goes on to share beautiful encouragement. Following is one paragraph that addresses my intense struggle and resistance to doing inner work on a non-rational-mind level.
“And again – as you are beginning to conference table work with your inner masculine and feminine – there is general recognition and encouragement to head on into these issues. And they do indeed point to the obstinate heels-dug-in resistance to doing inner work on levels other than rational. This is immensely frustrating – as I well know! – because it cannot be figured out… rationally. And yet you can go inside and sit with aspects-of-self and do productive work with them – and they are no more rational.”
I know Keith understands my obstinate heels-dug-in resistance, as he has often shared details of his own difficult journey.
Tired Of The Game
Then Keith explains the core of my God drama using a beautiful metaphor.
“I see you sitting with the end of a garden hose trying to get water to come out. The valve is on. There is water pressure. You wait and wait, try and try. And all you get is a dribble. It is a bit like that circular rope. You are going to sit there focused on the hose end where the problem is … until God proves he is real and loves you by fixing the flow … all the while pretending you do not know about the kink you put in the hose…”
“It’s a game. Play on! Till you are done. Till you get the compassion, acceptance, or self love you went there for. Until the frustration succeed-at-failure bait is no longer attractive. It is all about dropping the lie, getting out of the way, going in and finding kink after kink to the core kink … it is done through imagery that has emotional content (the Jungian language of the subconscious) … and you are good at it … and at the game. Notice where you are good at it and where you are so confused is seemingly arbitrary … and then you have caught self in the act and have the red flag waving in the breeze showing you where to dig … to kink follow … oh dear, the rational mind is not the tool…”
“And … in overview … you are doing very well indeed! Wander on over today if you wish. Stop off at a sweet lake view and ask the grand Lady of the Lake for some new fun. Tired of the old game?”
“How long have I been playing this old game?” I ponder. “And how long have I been projecting this game onto Keith? It seems more and more obvious that I have been doing this for a very long time.”
Something Has Shifted
As 1:00 p.m. rolls around, I find myself seated in a green camping chair on Keith’s porch. To my delight, Keith spends a great deal of time communicating with me at a rational-mind level, helping me to further understand his email from this morning – and helping me to understand recent events on the porch (fixing and pushing etc) as interpreted from his perspective.
Keith shares a new word with me: palliative. As we look it up in Keith’s dictionary, I learn that the word refers to fixing of symptoms – to things like calming, soothing, painkilling, sedative, etc… – to lessening the effects of an illness in ways that do not heal the underlying root cause.
Then Keith explains that fixing is palliative – and that some people need such assistance in order to give them a glimpse of what it feels like to be healed, so that maybe they can find the strength to make a new choice at an energetic level – one that will lead to true energetic healing.
“Yeah, yeah, I already understand all of that.” I express to Keith. “In fact, I am actually quite proud of myself that I could watch all of the fixing and pushing going on yesterday without being emotionally triggered by it …”
“Close your eyes, Brenda,” Keith interrupts me. “Now congratulate yourself for being in a totally new place. Something has shifted for you in a major way, and I want you to take note that rational mind cannot explain it.”
A Bizarre Turnaround
I love how Keith and I can frankly discuss my frustrations related to my God drama projections onto him. I have never been in a friendship where I could talk so bluntly about my interactions with someone else, where such a discussion was not extremely dangerous, without feeling as if I am walking on eggshells. After lovingly discussing such frustrations, we move on to new topics.
“I suddenly realized this morning that my childhood was the exact opposite of my God drama.” I excitedly blurt out to Keith. “I was a deeply intuitive/ creative/ right-brained/ connected child being raised in a world, culture, religion, and family that were very left brained and intellectual. I was literally an alien in a foreign reality. At first, I did not understand any of what they wanted to teach me … and I rebelled … desperately fighting for validation, understanding, wanting to be heard and accepted for who I was. Their logical woo-woo did not make sense to my tiny right-brain connections. I felt betrayed by God … not helped by God … abandoned by God … misunderstood and not validated by God, blah, blah, blah.”
“Now, I am stuck in the left-brained programming, doing the exact same blame-game as I attempt to reconnect to my right-brained creative and magical side.” I share with Keith. “It is quite the bizarre turnaround.”
Creative Insights
As with my last discussion with Keith, I love how he is spending the time to help calm me at a rational-mind level.
I have discussed this topic with Keith before, but today I take the opportunity to go deeper into verbal explorations of my rule-robot personality as a child.
“My own self-confidence was so shattered at such a young age,” I share with Keith, “that for as long as I can remember I have needed guidelines from outside of myself in order to feel safe and secure. I needed rules, detailed instructions, and recipes for everything that I did … otherwise I would be in utter panic of possibly being made-wrong by someone else – anyone else.”
“I have spent my whole life being micromanaged by the need for such outside guidance.” I continue. “I was a brilliant software engineer … but I would never stick my neck out in any creative way. I always needed a creative coworker to come up with the original ideas. If some one else told me what they wanted me to produce, I could do it better, faster, and more problem-free than most anyone around me … but I was paralyzed if someone asked me to stick my neck out by suggesting an abstract idea that was open to the possibility of criticism.”
“I know all of this is the reason that I struggle to let go of rules and logical recipes – why I struggle to re-connect with the right-brain world of imagination.” I share unfolding insights with Keith. “This is why a very frightened part of me insists that I need you/God to show me how to allow in the Higher Energies. The fact that there is no recipe terrifies this part of me.”
A Devastating Journey
Finally, at my request, Keith guides me into meditation.
“Go back in time as a Future Self to your own little child,” Keith guides me. “Go back to before he was shut down, before he lost all of the magic, the creativity, joy, spontaneity, connection to energies, perceptive abilities, and empath abilities, etc…”
“Invite your mother to be in the room, but not as part of the process.” Keith continues. “Now appear to that child as your Future Self, perhaps seeming like an angel to that child.”
“I’m feeling that this child is between one and two years old.” I share with Keith.
“As you share with that child,” Keith guides me deeper, “tell him that he has a mission to give up all of his creativity, joy, spontaneity, divine connection, etc … for safekeeping to your Higher Self … that gradually, in the next several years, he will need to give up this magic bit by bit. Tell him that after the two of you eventually heal all of the pain, that you can bring all the magic back when it is time to do so … unscathed in its original form. And tell him that it will be an extremely painful, lonely, and difficult journey.”
As I sink into this meditative journey, I begin to sob.
Worst Type Of Abuse
“Let the child do the crying,” Keith quickly guides me. “You be there as your present-day adult self.”
“But I feel so much pain as I do this,” I beg for clarity. “I cannot separate from that pain. I feel deep sorrow and sadness.”
“I feel like the worst type of child abuser as I do this.” I share with Keith a few minutes later while struggling to not identify with the anguishing emotions. “I feel so sad and weak. I am incapable of being a happy and supportive Future Self for him.”
“Can you please tell me that list of things that he has to give up again?” I beg Keith for assistance. “I have fallen into so much of my childhood confusion loop that I cannot remember all of what you guided me to do.”
Keith ignores my question as I quietly continue to meditate. I soon ask another question, and Keith continues to ignore me … not enabling my confusion.
One by one, I imagine myself telling my dear little child the precious things he has to give up … to give to our Higher Self for safekeeping. Repeatedly, as I do this, I cycle between crying and then trying to be strong.
Backwards Perceptions
Eventually, I manage to stabilize myself in a feeling of love while gradually filling with more divine light and love. Suddenly, new insights flash into my mind.
“My little child was not the sad one,” I excitedly blurt out to Keith. “He was not panicking or in deep sorrow. At that time in my life, my little child was still connected to those divine energies. He totally understood everything at a non-rational mind level – he knew exactly what we came here to do and why it was necessary to temporarily surrender our magic for safekeeping. He was actually excited to embrace this beautiful life mission.”
“It was only after giving up that magic, and living through the struggles, that I as the adult went back with a heart full of pain and projected that pain back onto my child.” I ponder aloud. “As usual, everything I thought I knew is totally backwards.”
“That child will be coming forward in time to help me locate and re-integrate those pushed out pieces that were lost.” I share my thoughts with Keith.
“They were not lost,” Keith reminds me. “Those parts of you are safe right there with your Higher Self.”
Subconscious Communications
“I have another meditation for you.” Keith soon guides me. “Give up part of your rational-mind resistance … just a little bit … whatever is ready to go today. Your Higher Self knows what part it is.”
After struggling with doubts, feeling quite stuck, not having any strong intuitions about what I am doing, I interrupt Keith.
“I feel like I am just making it up … like I’m just faking it till I make it.” I share my frustration with Keith.
“Good,” Keith congratulates me, “that is a perfect way to start.”
“The knowing will unfold with time,” Keith tells me. “The imagination is your means of communication with the subconscious mind.”
Keith quickly and patiently reminds me that using imagination is a very real tool, performing a very real job, actually engaging in real two-way communications with the subconscious mind through the method of symbols, images, and metaphors. He reassures me that I can communicate my intent to the subconscious by imagining things in my mind … and that I can receive real answers through the images and other types of energetic responses that return.
I have profoundly understood, for a very long time, that I receive symbols, images, and metaphors from the subconscious, and that I meditatively interact with emotional journeys in this way. But for some reason, I had never fully grasped the idea that I can initiate communication with the subconscious mind in the same powerful way. Today, the concept makes more sense than ever before.
Faking It Till I Make It
“Now release that part of your resistance that is doubting.” Keith guides me into the obvious, seeing how my doubts are what first stopped me in that resist-dance.
After spending a few minutes imagining the process of these doubts being released, Keith takes me deeper.
“Now find that book of rules and rip portions of it out,” Keith guides me. “Perhaps tear out a few pages or parts of all the pages … whatever works for you … whatever is ready to go today. This is all of the old programming that you are ready to let go of that holds you stuck in the left brain.”
Even though doubts continue to present themselves, I ignore those doubts, confidently going through the motions, imagining myself doing this – but feeling nothing at any other level.
“Now bring something back from the pushed out parts of yourself … the parts being kept by your Higher Self.” Keith guides me.
Again, I ignore my doubts and go through the meditative motions, but feel next to nothing, simply faking it till I make it, just trusting Keith.
Undeniable Validations
“Now do it again.” Keith takes me forward.
Suddenly I begin to feel deep emotions of panic, even terror, while simultaneously experiencing energetic agitations in my lower abdomen.
“Good,” Keith surprises me. “This is your way of knowing that what you are doing is very real. The emotional charge is very real … the fear and terror are very real. This tells you that the voice inside, the one that insists you are making all of this up, is a liar.”
“Release that voice to your Higher Self.” Keith quickly guides me.”
Again, I imagine this process.
“Now, release that fear to your Higher Self.” Keith continues.
I try to let go of the fear, but no matter how much I imagine the process, the fear remains, quite strong.
“If I do this and I still feel the fear, what do I do then?” I ask Keith for guidance.
“Express your intent, use your imagination to communicate with the subconscious, and trust that the fear is leaving.” Keith reassures me.
Finally, I mention to Keith that the energetic agitations that had surfaced when I first felt the fear have now grown weaker and moved upward into my solar plexus.
“Good,” Keith congratulates me. “The fear is released. Now rip out more pages … repeat the process.”
An Inner Child Relay
Soon, I get creative and invite little Sharon and Bobby to assist, making this journey into imagination, into communicating with the subconscious mind, a little more fun.
My dear little inner children, Bobby and Sharon, take turns. First, Sharon goes to the book of rules and rips out a page, following which Bobby goes to our Higher Self. As I imagine him returning with a piece of our pushed-out magic, I feel him holding a tiny silver heart-shaped container, which he then opens to release the magic back into us. Next Bobby rips out a page and Sharon returns with a small heart-shaped container.
As I visualize this scenario, I continue to not feel a great deal at an energetic level – as if I am making all of this up. Keith again confidently reassures me that I am giving real metaphorical guidance to my subconscious mind – telling it that I want my old programming to begin releasing and more of my magical being-ness to come back.
“With each trip,” Keith teaches me, “you are doing something very real in interactions with the subconscious.”
Keith reminds me that my sensitivities are still shut down, because my magic was slammed and invalidated as evil – because I was taught that imagination is silly and childish and could not possibly be real – and that this is where my resistance now comes from.
Communicating Intent
“Ask Sharon and Bobby to help you pick up that voice and take it over to an angelic garbage can and dump it in.” Keith guides me with a smile.
“Does that really work?” I ask with surprise.
“Yes,” Keith reassures me. “When you do this, you are metaphorically telling the subconscious that you no longer want that programming inside of you. Your rational mind does not need to know or have a clue how this all works … but your subconscious mind knows exactly what to do and how to do it … you just need to communicate your intent.”
“How do I tell if this voice is an energy that needs to be given a new job versus a density that needs to be released?” I ask a question that pops into my head.
“If it helps,” Keith gives a suggestion, “take the voice to Higher Self and say that you don’t need this voice any more, asking Higher Self to take care of it and to replace your original magical programming. Then you don’t need to know.”
Resonating Rational Reassurance
“You cannot get on the wrong bus,” Keith reminds me. “Whatever you do is perfect. It is communication with the subconscious. Trust it.”
Keith reassures me that the rational-mind knowing will come later – that if I miss something that needs to be done, that it will come back again – that if I feel emotions in a process, go ahead and feel them to the core and then bring in the light to transmute them – and that if I get lost in the emotions, stop before I get lost. If I am not at the bottom, then I can transmute what I was able to feel, and the rest will come up another time when I am able to remain more connected to the light.
I love this beautiful rational mind conversation. It resonates deeply in my heart and helps me let go of so many doubts and misunderstandings, giving me the confidence that just maybe I really can do this right-brained method of emotional release – even if I just have to fake it at first.
Play, Play, Play
For more than an hour, I quietly continue a meditation where Bobby and Sharon take turns ripping out pages and bringing out parts of my magic in a tiny silver heart-shaped container. At no time do I feel any strong earth-shattering changes … but something inside quietly whispers that this is indeed real.
But when I inadvertently sneeze, I experience several seconds of beautiful swirling energy in my heart. I love it.
Shortly before I leave for home, Keith gives me more beautiful guidance, emphasizing that this is a dynamic process, reassuring me that eventually my little children and/or Higher Self, or perhaps some other energy will begin to be more communicative with me, giving me guidance or intuitions, new twists and metaphors to follow.
“Trust the flow,” Keith advises me. “Be dynamic and not rigid. Use this as a starting base to work directly with the subconscious using imagination as a tool.”
“Trust this process,” Keith reassures me repeatedly. “You are learning to play with magic. You shut this down at a very young age. You knew it was real then, and that knowing will return to you as you work with it, as you believe and trust this process.”
As I hug Keith and prepare to walk home, he suggests that I just play with it for a half hour here and there … emphasizing the word play … play … PLAY.
Playfully Engaging
It has been an interesting two days – days of deep inner exploration – of exploring an inability to laugh – of repressed sadness and anger – of exploring pushing and fixing energies – and of realizing that I have indeed shifted in many ways that rational mind cannot explain. I am delighted that I continue to gain confidence in lovingly speaking my truth.
It seems that the God/separation drama is increasingly dominating my healing journey. My projections onto Keith are beginning to trouble me greatly – yet I always know that no matter how much I project, that I can go talk to him and find the peaceful closure and sanity that I seek.
And wow, did I ever receive profound guidance on how to work with the subconscious mind. I am anxious to begin playfully engaging these guidelines into a more trusting and dynamically flowing process.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved