“I feel like dancing,” I tell myself as I locate my IPod and browse until I find my favorite Colin Raye CD. For the next hour, I forget about appearance, and simply dance, turn, wiggle and twirl all over my kitchen and living room.
It is Friday morning, February 3, 2012 … and I have not felt this good in a very long time. I truly feel as if I am finally defying gravity, flying above the intense emotional processes that have bogged me down for several months now. I have no illusions of completion, fully realizing that I am simply enjoying a beautiful rest in my journey. There remains much inner work ahead in my process, but part of me knows that I am turning the corner, gradually learning how to allow and involve higher love and light in my process in a way that makes the journey easier and more fun.
Setting The Stage
Early in the afternoon, I find myself seated on Keith’s porch.
For the second Friday in a row, I am quite shocked to see the type of ceremony that I have manifested. In addition to Keith, three other men surround me – two of which are Paul and Tom. I will refer to the third as Jim. Again, I ponder why I might have created such a ceremony dominated by men – two of which emanate very strong masculine energy – energy that I often perceive as being quite distorted.
As the ceremony begins, I explain to Keith about the silly projected guilt I feel regarding the fact that I did not hit much emotion in the last two ceremonies. I am working so much on learning to trust, allow, and simply follow the flow of my own soul, that today I am eager and willing to just step back and know that all is well – whether I enjoy more beautiful light, or whether I again sink into deep emotional release, or perhaps something in between.
As he occasionally does on the rare circumstance that we have no first-timers on the porch, Keith completely skips the glow meditation and simply holds high-vibrational space while we all quietly meditate together.
Paint And Perfume
Almost immediately, the strong masculine energy begins to overwhelm me. While I do sense the beautiful presence of healthy masculine energy, mostly emanating from Keith, I feel especially triggered by what I perceive as strong distorted, judging, controlling energy that seems to emanate from Tom. I trust that this is all a part of my process today, but an agitated inner voice encourages me to run away from this awkward situation.
As I ponder the confusing mix of energies, I turn every perception around and apply it to my own past – to the dysfunctional blocks that continue to dominate me on the inside.
“I feel deep hatred at the patriarchal distortions that shut me down as a child.” I begin to ponder my reactions to Tom’s energy. “And I cringe at how I was taught to put on a happy face of denial, to suppress all hints of negative emotions, and to bottle up all that putrid, rotting emotion under a layer of beautiful white paint and sweet-smelling perfume.”
Forgetful Floundering
Finally, as I begin to break down into angry tears, I start to feel as if I want to get really angry at the feeling of powerlessness that is again surfacing inside of me.
I want to break out of this powerlessness, but I am feeling very confused regarding which approach to take. I want help, permission, and validation from the outside.
“Do I need to get really angry again … perhaps punching a few pillows?” I begin to ponder. “Or do I need to cry this out. I know I need to involve the light in this process, but how do I do that, and when do I do it?”
When Keith and I begin to chat about my rational-mind dilemma, he helps me to understand that I am in a state of not trusting what I know – that I am deeply stuck in my head trying to figure out ‘what is ego’, ‘what is real’, ‘do I cry’, ‘do I bring in love’, or ‘do I simply punch pillows’.
“Brenda,” Keith coaches me, “You don’t need to figure any of this out. You simply bring in love and then follow the flow of your process wherever it takes you.”
Countless times, Keith has reminded me that the guidance can be different every time, that there are no right answers for the rational mind. He again reminds me that when I connect to the love and light of higher energies, that I simply need to flow wherever the guidance takes me.
I know this wisdom, but it seems that nearly every time I face deep emotions, that I forget everything I know and begin to flounder.
A Shortening Loop
“This emotion is real,” Keith reassures me, “and it needs to be released, but you need to bring in higher energies first.”
“I’m trying,” I respond in desperation, “but I’m not sure if I am feeling the energies or not. I have expressed my intent for higher energies to help, but I am doubting myself, not feeling much of anything except this angry emotion.”
“Then you need to follow that thread and find out why you are doubting.” Keith gives me the obvious answer.
“Aha,” I soon blurt out to Keith, “I am in my ego loop of doubt, confusion, and of not trusting myself.”
Almost immediately after expressing these insights, the angry emotions dry up and I feel quite proud of myself for having recognized my rational-mind head-loop so quickly.
“Congratulations for catching on to this,” Keith guides me, “and for not needing to cycle in it for so long.”
Building Trust
“Now,” Keith guides me, “bring in love and see what happens.”
With total trust that I can and will do this, I invite the love to fill me. Soon, I begin to feel very pleasurable tickling sensations at the front of my crown while sensing painful pokes in my collarbone region.
“I’m thinking this is more of my high heart starting to open.” I express to Keith regarding the familiar prickly pains in my upper chest. “And the pain is a part of me still resisting.”
Even though I speak these words with confidence, I express them more as a question, hoping Keith will back me up and validate my statement. But he simply congratulates me for following my energy, not confirming what I already know to be true.
As I sit in this loving space for a while, the peaceful energy gradually grows stronger and more pleasant – but remains rather on the mild side.
“You are bringing in some love,” Keith reassures me when I ask for clarity, “and that is enough to build trust for where you are at … for loving and accepting yourself for being exactly where you are.”
Tom Turmoil
Soon, Keith’s attention turns to Tom.
I have only seen Keith bluntly confront someone on very rare occasions – only doing so when their behavior has crossed acceptable boundaries and is no longer serving the processes of others.
I hesitate to write details, as this is about someone else’s work – yet it also profoundly affects my work, so I will write just enough to get my point across, reiterating the fact that I am sharing my perceptions of reality – and that everyone else present most likely has their own filtered view of what happened.
The conversation feels quite confrontational as Keith turns to Tom and bluntly lays out specifics of his dysfunctional, uncooperative behavior on the porch – behavior that at an energetic level powerfully fights the inner work of others. Keith’s words are surprisingly explicit as he firmly explains to Tom how his passive aggressive behavior is affecting others.
“If your behavior were not serving a purpose on the porch,” Keith honestly tells Tom, “you would have already been asked to leave.”
To my shock, Tom simply responds with sarcastic laughter, refusing to own or acknowledge anything that Keith shares, while expressing through his behavior that he believes everything Keith is saying to be a joke. With every comment Keith makes, Tom continues to respond with denial, a fake smile, and sarcasm.
I cannot speak for others, but I know that Tom’s passive aggressive distorted masculine energy has deeply served me – but I definitely feel that I have nothing else to learn from it.
A Courageous Truth
“Tom,” I finally find the courage to add my own truth, “It was your energy that triggered me today. Your passive aggressive energy is what pushes my buttons so deeply. I take one-hundred percent responsibility for the fact that this is my trigger and not yours, that it is not about you, and that nothing changes until I do.”
“Thank you for showing me how absolutely intense my triggers still are.” I add with sincerity. “In this sense, I see you as a huge gift to show me how distorted masculine energy continues to trigger me so deeply.”
“I believe that the reason Keith has been allowing you to remain on the porch,” I add with confidence, “is because your presence has been essential to my process. I needed you to trigger me deeply … to show me how profoundly terrified I am of your type of energy in my presence.”
“But I want you to know that if it were not for the fact that you are in a place where I am absolutely committed to being,” I finish my sharing, “I would never knowingly choose to be around energy such as yours.”
To my surprise, Tom just laughs at me and acts proud of himself for having pushed my triggers to help me in my healing process. He accepts no responsibility for his side of the mirror reflection.
“I wish you were willing to look inside of yourself and to take what we are saying more seriously.” I attempt to encourage Tom.
“Brenda,” Keith reminds me quickly of his relationship rules, “this is not about Tom, this is not about what it is about, and nothing changes until you do.”
After Keith’s loving reminder, I stop talking and turn inward. I realize that it is not my responsibility to convince Tom of anything. My only job is to heal what is inside of me. If I were totally healed inside, then nothing Tom says or does would have any emotional control over me.
Quintessential Victim
“Brenda,” Tom laughs as he responds to me. “You are the quintessential victim, always crying and blaming everyone else for your struggles.”
“Excuse me Tom,” I lovingly respond, “I will not be projected on like that without speaking my truth. I am the exact opposite of being a victim right now. I have never been more empowered in my life. It takes an extreme amount of courage to go this deep into an emotional process like I am doing. This is about having the courage to face your inner demons, to actually turn over the stones that bury them, and to have the courage to look at the inner dysfunction. A victim would never go near such a daunting task.”
“I am doing quite a beautiful job in my process.” I add one last quick comment.
“You are completely off base in calling Brenda a victim.” Keith jumps to my defense.
Keith then validates most everything I have said and confirms that I am doing very well in my process. I love the vote of confidence.
But then, a completely unexpected confidence vote is offered. Paul lovingly backs up my words, explaining to Tom how courageous I am to go deep into the pain as I explore my healing journey.
“Brenda has taught me how to have compassion for the processes of others.” Paul emphasizes to Tom.
“Wow! That was unexpected.” I ponder with delight.
Trying To Disengage
While I remain lovingly silent, the conversation continues for a while, with both Paul and Jim providing their own feedback to Tom. It is feedback that backs up everything Keith and I have said.
Tom expresses his feeling of being picked on, but no one backs down. Tom then turns back to me and attempts to re-engage me in confrontational bantering.
“Tom, I am totally focused on trying to send unconditional love in your direction.” I respond with detachment. “This is hard for me because your energy deeply triggers me. I know this is my issue. I want to send love to you, but you are making it horribly difficult.”
Tom laughs at me, in what I perceive as a strong passive aggressive attack – an attack couched in loving sarcastic words while he giggles from a place of proclaimed superiority.
“I totally know that I am projecting,” I respond to Tom’s bantering attack, “I am looking inside to heal my personal inner pains and triggers from childhood. I suggest you should actually take all of this feedback and recognize that you too are looking into a mirror – a mirror in which you refuse to see your half of this whole scenario. You are in complete denial about what you are doing.”
“I am disengaging now to work on my side of this.” I beg Tom to back off and quit trying to engage me. “I so wish you could do the same. I am not going to further engage you about this because it is not about you.”
Peacefully Disengaging
“Brenda,” Keith firmly-but-lovingly reminds me, “you cannot be attached to whether someone else wants to look at themselves and heal their own issues. All you can do as a healer is to heal your own projections and to be OK if they choose to die with theirs.”
Tom then attempts to re-engage me in conversation and I simply remain silent, non-attached, and meditating peacefully in my own process while sending him love.
“Brenda is doing the right thing by disengaging.” Keith shares wisdom with Tom. “She clearly recognizes that she will not solve this problem by discussing it with you. She is doing exactly what I teach in my relationship training – she is working on healing this on the inside.”
I meditate for another ten minutes or so, and then feel intuitively guided to work quietly with Jim, holding space for him while he sinks deeper into his own process. I simply ignore Tom – remaining disengaged and unattached to his continued presence.
Finally, when no one validates Tom’s behavior – when no one begs him to stay – Tom picks up his belongings and leaves, expressing through a masked smile that he will probably not return.
I am amazed by how much peace I feel in my heart. While I got slightly lost in my attempts to push Tom into owning his own dysfunction, I remained powerfully loving throughout the situation. It is a situation that just a week ago would have launched me into extreme guilt, self-flogging, and self-deprecation. Today, I remain meditating in loving peace, empowered with divine love, while recognizing the truth of Keith’s words … “All you can do as a healer is to heal your own projections and to be OK if they choose to die with theirs.”
Powerful Reflections
“Wow!” Jim surprises me with his comments after Tom leaves. “That was a powerful mirror for me.”
Jim explains that his eyes were deeply opened by how someone can be in such complete denial – being completely unaware of their antisocial behavior (much stronger words were used). Jim is using this powerful reflection to look inside at similar inner energies of masked denial that keep him stuck.
Paul then jumps in to validate how this has also been a profound experience for his own work.
“Wow,” I think to myself, “And I thought Tom was being a distorted masculine energy jerk just for me. I had no idea his behavior was serving everyone else so powerfully as well.”
Shared Reality Creation
Almost immediately, the energy of the ceremony shifts, and everyone begins to go into deep emotional work. It begins with one of the remaining men who shares some painful issues from his youth.
“Keith,” I soon ask at an appropriate time, “Is it important to publicly confess painful dark secrets in order to remove attachment to the opinions and judgments of others – to what they might say or think if your shameful secrets were made known?”
“Not always,” Keith responds, “but it sometimes helps.”
“I have a few such issues in my own late teenage years,” I confide further, “issues surrounding the whole gender self-hatred – issues that made me feel evil – issues that made me deeply hate and flog myself.”
“In every situation involving multiple people,” Keith shares beautiful wisdom, “every one of the people involved participated in creating and/or allowing that reality … in choosing that reality as a part of their own necessary life experience.”
“Wow,” I ponder out loud, “that really takes the guilt away. At this level, there are no perpetrators or victims … and everyone involved in any situation is in energetic (not necessarily conscious) agreement with it happening for their own growth and purposes. Each of us has essentially played all of these roles in one lifetime or another.”
People-Pleasing Powerlessness
Soon, my flow takes me back into deeply feeling my own anger – anger at my childhood shutdown – anger at distorted masculine energy – and anger at the self-hatred that continues to live inside of me.
“Brenda, visualize Tom,” Paul tries to help me, knowing that Tom had triggered this issue deeply.
“No,” I respond peacefully, “this is not about Tom … this is inside of me. It will not help to put Tom’s face on this anger and pain.”
Keith agrees with me, reiterating that Tom is not an appropriate focal point for this part of my process.
The sense of powerlessness that has continued to make me afraid to speak up to people like Tom remains inside of me – it is the powerlessness that continues to run my show … that continues to make me cower in people-pleaser mode, afraid of conflict and confrontation.
Exploding Pressurized Anger
Doing something that I have never before seen him do, Keith asks me to repeat a series of sentences. I wish I could remember the words – but they have escaped me. In quick succession, Keith expresses a sentence that emphasizes my powerlessness, following which I repeat it back to him.
Soon, after repeating several such disempowering sentences, the words I am speaking begin to sink in very deeply. I end up hitting profound anger and rage at the stuck-ness that remains deep inside me.
As the rage consumes me, I punch pillows and scream f-ing swear words for several minutes, venting the bottled up rage that has been pressurized inside for so very long. It is as if I am releasing the pressure on a steam valve – hoping that once the initial spray is gone, that the container can be opened and emptied without exploding.
Finally, the pressurized outbursts of anger begin to fade.
Increasing The Love
“Now,” Keith guides me at the perfect moment, “while you are down in that hole … bring in the love … love and accept yourself for where you are right now … and if you cannot bring in love from higher beings, then bring in the self-love.”
As I do so, I feel the angry emotions simply vanish into the light. The old me would have felt cheated. The new me realizes that I felt the emotion deep enough for now … that I have learned all I came here to learn … and that it is now time to let the love and light help me finish cleaning out the remainder of that dark and dank pressurized container of anger and self-hatred. Peace begins to consume my entire body.
“Double that love,” Keith unexpectedly guides me.
As I imagine this beautiful love doubling in intensity, I feel a strong increase in the calm peace that now flows in my heart.
“More,” Keith soon continues.
Over and over again, Keith gradually encourages me to take the love up another notch.
New Triggers
As the ceremony fades to completion, a loving conversation ensues. I casually mention something about how grateful I am to have Keith for a teacher.
“I don’t see Keith as my teacher,” Paul unexpectedly responds. “I see myself as a co-creator with Keith, working together with him.”
To my shock, Paul’s words deeply trigger me – taking me right back to the place of perceiving Paul as someone that doesn’t want to learn or to do his own inner work, but instead wants to show Keith how to be a healer and how to run his magical porch.
“I gratefully see Keith as a teacher who has an inner license – as someone who has been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.” I respond, attempting to convince Paul. “There are beautiful profound things that I can learn from him.”
To my dismay, the beautiful harmony I was feeling with Paul suddenly feels deeply challenged.
Triggered And Projecting
“Brenda,” Paul later comments, “your energy has shifted. Can you explain why?”
I wish I could run away. This feels like a perfect setup for disagreement, conflict, and potential confrontation. I do not want to go here again. But instead, my heart insists that I need to be honest.
“I was deeply triggered by your words of not wanting to see yourself as Keith’s student.” I respond timidly. “I have had a long journey of watching one healer after another come to this porch … not wanting to learn or do their own inner work, but instead simply wanting to fix and heal others.”
“I know I am just triggered and projecting,” I quickly add, and I have no idea if you are, or are not, really doing your own inner work.”
As I listen to Paul’s response, I clearly recognize that he is projecting onto me as he gets noticeably defensive that Keith and I just do not understand his style of inner work. I mention that he is clearly projecting back onto me, but Paul quickly denies my perception.
Projecting Nightmares
Almost immediately, I go into deep panic as the energy in my now-agitated solar plexus painfully vibrates. My profound fears over disagreement and conflict are surfacing big time. I just recently finished arriving at a beautiful place of peaceful harmony with Paul – for the second time – and I do not want to go back to another painful round of projecting.
“I want to disengage when I am projecting,” I try to explain to Paul, “because my lifetime experience is that whenever I openly acknowledge feelings of projecting judgment onto someone, that it brings up conflict and major blowups, sabotage of friendships, and deep emotionally painful loops. I would rather run away than face that conflict.”
“Paul is not reacting negatively to your words in any way.” Keith points out calmly.
“Yeah,” I agree, “but I am still projecting that this is going to blow up on me, that our relationship, which has become so friendly, is now going to become extremely awkward again – just because I chose to speak my truth.”
“I can feel those nightmarish projection wars returning yet again.” I express my fears to Keith. “My abdomen is now raging in pain.”
It seems that I am so terrified of conflict – so convinced that conflict always ends in heartache – that I cannot see any other truth.
Bottled up tears soon begin to flow.
Raining Love
To the delight of all of us, a beautiful and very rare winter rainstorm suddenly unleashes on San Marcos. Some distant lightning and thunder flash and rumble far away, while steady rains replenish the dry soil for a couple of hours. This storm seems to begin right in the middle of my deepest emotional release.
“Brenda, bring in some love,” Keith coaches me.
As I focus on following Keith’s guidance, I briefly mention a recent video I watched – one showing a frightened love-starved puppy, cowering in fear but really just desperately craving love. I see myself as that frightened love-starved puppy – as a little child who could never speak truth for fear of conflict – for fear of being disciplined and subtly slammed for anything that challenged or made the adults in my life uncomfortable.
I begin to feel the love gradually trickling into my awareness.
“Double it.” Keith encourages me.
When I do so, and comment how I do indeed feel the increase, Keith guides me to step it up a notch again … then again. Soon, I am immersed in a beautiful space of love. Keith coaches me to breathe slowly in a regular rhythm, while focusing on that love.
A Shining Light
As I literally inhale this loving energy, I occasionally hit a layer of resistance, causing whimpers to surface as mild tears trickle down my cheeks. Each time this happens, Keith guides me through the resistance and back into the love. This process goes on for what must be another half hour as layer after layer of resistance melts away, while the rains continue outside, and while I continue to receive desperately needed love from divine sources.
“I am that frightened little puppy that just needed love.” I share with Keith.
Finally, I feel as if I am a shining light, radiating that love.
Pushing For Change
As the ceremony seems to be reaching conclusion for the second time, Paul makes a few comments to Jim that seem inappropriate to me.
“I feel like you are pushing,” I express my loving feedback to Paul, “like you are telling him to just plow through his fears and do things that he does not yet feel ready to do.”
“I’m just following my truth.” Paul defends himself, not even acknowledging my statement.
“Well it feels like pushing the river,” I respond, “like telling him to paddle upstream rather than floating downstream.”
I feel deeply stupid for having again made confrontational comments – for again re-escalating the situation in my mind – for again wanting to teach a lesson that someone is not ready to hear. In retrospect, I now recognize that I too was pushing, trying to push Paul into seeing things my way – trying to be right.
Agitating Abdomen
As I discuss my latest contrived altercation with Keith, I again sink into deep childhood pain – feeling terror over having expressed truth that was not received – feeling terror that my words are controversial and creating uncomfortable conflict.
“I feel like I would rather die than go into conflict.” I express to Keith.
The agitation in my abdomen returns fiercely. Wanting to rediscover the peace, I resume my previous process of bringing in love. But the pain and agitation simply get stronger … and I do not want to leave Keith’s porch while in the middle of this intense pain.
“Brenda, do you want me to wait for you.” Jim briefly interrupts to indicate he is ready to walk back to town in what is now darkness.
“No, I’ll be fine walking home on my own.” I respond.
“Brenda, I think you need to integrate by allowing yourself to take a walk and go unwind over a shared dinner.” Keith encourages me.
“But I am in so much pain that I don’t want to leave in the middle of it.” I rebel as I begin to cry out in sobbing crazy agony. “I’m feeling intense self-hatred in my solar plexus. I don’t want to cry it out. I’m trying to bring in love and to allow the higher energies to help me, but it is frightening me. The pain is so large and intense. I really am terrified to leave your porch with this emotion being so strong.”
Deciding To Let Go
Responding to my plea for help, Keith asks Jim and Paul if they will help him in assisting me – supporting me in releasing the pain and in bringing in more love.
“This pain in your solar plexus is not something that you have to feel to the core,” Keith begins to share guidance that is coming to him. “Nor do you even have to understand or identify what it is. It is not something that is necessary for you to carry around, and it can be let go of by simply deciding to do so.”
I trust Keith and focus all my effort on allowing and surrendering. As soon as I feel an intuitive sense that some of the pain leaves, Keith confirms that it did. Soon, he tells me that another layer just left … and I too slightly feel that. We work at this for at least another fifteen minutes.
“This is helping you to build trust.” Keith again reassures me. “We don’t need to finish it all now. Pushing this process will only backfire and reinforce ‘succeeding at failure’.”
Writing Wrongly
Reluctantly listening to Keith’s advice, I decide to trust that I do not need to finish before leaving. After walking home with Jim, and sharing conversation over a meal at the local Japanese restaurant, I feel that my emotions settle somewhat – but I still experience a sense of heaviness in my solar plexus.
As I sit alone in my living room attempting to record details of this crazy unexpected journey with disagreement, conflict, and confrontation, my stomach churns with anxiety.
“I went through beautiful healing today,” I ponder with fright, “but how can I possibly write about this day without slamming Tom, without revealing personal details about the inner work of others, and without further inflaming the renewed projections onto Paul?”
It seems that I am even terrified of writing wrongly – terrified of creating conflict and confrontation simply by writing about conflict and confrontation.
Variety Of Aspects
As I drift off to sleep on this late Friday night, I ponder various items of confusion.
The first deals with the constant shifting where one day I work with a healed inner child, and on another day, I work with a deeply angry, wounded, or love-starved child. During the ceremony today, Keith answered my questions beautifully, explaining that there are different aspects of my inner child, just like there are different aspects of me. One aspect of that child is indeed loving and healed, while another is still deep in the density.
“And I frequently work with a wide range of ages.” I further ponder my inner child work. “Sometimes I am working with a newborn, a fourteen-month-old, a three-year-old, or a pre-teen. Each one of those ages is a metaphorical representation of healed or unhealed aspects of my inner energies.”
“Follow the metaphorical breadcrumbs,” I imagine Keith guiding me. “The mind will be the last part of you to understand this work. Just follow the flow, trust where it takes you, and do not try to figure it out. The knowing will come in time.”
A Tale Of Two Dreams
It is after 10:00 p.m. when I finally crawl in bed. Two different dreams wake me up during the night – one in which I am in a position where I am forced to take lives, both animals and humans. I experience deep sadness, but I do it anyway.
“Was I in a war?” I ponder this confusing dream about which I have forgotten most of the details.
In the second weird dream, I was home for Christmas, and bought gifts for two children and then left without getting anything for the others.
These bizarre disjointed dreams seem to make no sense, having no common threads – other than the fact that I felt like a perpetrator filled with guilt for what I had done.
Perhaps it was an exercise in remembering that when feeling guilt in life regarding our behavior and interactions with others, it is important to remember that in all shared interactions, that the energies of both parties are jointly complicit in creating or allowing the events that take place, to the benefit of both parties. It seems that the Universe is simply giving me an opportunity to further ponder this principle of joint reality creation.
I am certainly learning this lesson on Keith’s porch in powerful ways. I am blown away by how what I have perceived to be one-sided situations, actually, in profound ways, serve everyone involved.
Powerless Receiver
In the middle of the night, being temporarily unable to sleep after my dreams, I feel guided to scribble a few more thoughts regarding my crazy day.
In many ways I lived a very traumatic nightmare today – a very frightening memory of the devastating consequences of disagreeing with distorted masculine energy – of actually speaking my truth in the face of intimidating situations. It seems that the flow of my river is repeatedly bringing me one situation after another in which I am faced with potential confrontation and conflict, and faced with the question of how to respond.
“Do I have that distorted masculine dense jerk asshole energy inside of me?” I had asked Keith this afternoon while wondering why I continue to attract such lessons.
“No, Brenda,” Keith had confidently responded after checking his guidance. “You are mostly dealing with the other side of that script … at having been the powerless receiver of that treatment at the hands of others.”
The Highest Good
Regardless of what the future has in store, I feel quite proud of myself today – proud of how I did find the courage to speak up – to speak my truth – without doing so in an obnoxious, ego-filled way. And after a few false starts, I was mostly successful in disengaging from the conflict, and in healing many of the fears of conflict which have continued to manifest into my reality.
I am gradually learning that disagreement can be quite healthy, that conflict is not always bad, and that sometimes confrontation is the inspired path. The key is in interacting from a place of unconditional love in the heart, with no need to be right, with no attachment to outcomes, and doing so from a space of divine inner guidance. I am finally beginning to understand that, when done under these circumstances, the highest good is the result for all parties involved.
I will forever remember Keith’s beautiful guidance where he shared that in every situation involving multiple people – that each and every one of them participated in creating and/or allowing that reality as a part of their own necessary life experience. Somehow, this thought takes away so many of the fears – reminding me that I can just fill myself with love, follow inner guidance, and trust that all is indeed happening for beautiful reasons.
It seems that my days of dysfunctional people pleasing are on their way out.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved