Early Friday morning, January 27, 2012, I begin browsing through a group of Abraham YouTube videos that Keith was kind enough to download for me. One of those videos jumps out and captivates me. It is one titled “ABRAHAM HICKS Release Childhood Abuse”. I wish I could provide an internet link here, but apparently, the video has been removed from YouTube. After more than an hour of searching, I can only find it in three or four places – each of which displays a “this video is private” message when I try to play it.
This twenty-minute video resonates deeply with my soul, and I listen to it four or five times. In the video, a man in the audience asks Abraham for assistance in moving beyond the sexual abuse that took place in his life between the ages of eight and thirteen. The abuse was perpetrated by his religious priest.
Before proceeding, I want to again make it perfectly clear that as far as I know, I had a very normal childhood with no signs of what traditional society would label as abuse of any kind. I was raised in a happy, loving, and religious home. My parents loved me deeply, and I loved them too. Even though they are both now deceased, I continue to love, cherish and honor my beautiful parents. They did the best they knew how.
Ten Green Apples
To my shock, I relate profoundly to the emotional trauma of the genuine man asking the questions. While I received no physical sexual abuse, everything discussed triggers me deeply.
I love how Abraham delicately treats the issues, yet turns them around with such vibrational clarity. Early on, after eloquently discussing the emotional trauma of powerlessness, Abraham shares a metaphor of how an eight-year-old boy might feel if an adult forced him to eat ten green apples. Abraham explains that the boy might feel very traumatized and powerless – while physically hurting with stomachaches and indigestion, having a miserable couple of hours and feeling bad about it for much longer.
“But, thirty, or forty, or fifty years later, would we still be talking about it?” Abraham asks.
“Probably not,” the man responds and then asks with surprise, “So, vibrationally, you’re equating those two experiences?”
“What we are saying is,” Abraham responds, “if the world was not making such a big distorted deal out of sexuality, if you weren’t using that as your test of morality, as your test of right and wrongness, it’s the hypocrisy that’s causing the splitting of the energy, not the actual experience that you lived, you see. And so, now our analogy feels a little far reaching but we really want you to ponder it a little bit.”
Abraham then emphasizes that this is a very emotionally charged issue, but that it was not the physical sexual act itself, but the nature of “big distorted deal” of sexuality and the “God part of it” that was really the biggest part of the trauma.
Big Distorted Deal
When I ponder the metaphor of the green apples, I suddenly realize that other than the absence of the physical act itself, I was indeed sexually abused in deeply gut-wrenching, emotional ways – absolutely nothing physical, but definitely psychological. I now understand that it is not the physical act itself that creates the traumatic healing struggle – but it is the energies behind the act – and the act does not have to be physical at all. Many people are abused in ways that our laws and society would never even acknowledge.
Intensifying in my teen years, I felt horribly abused by the “big distorted deal” of the sexual shame and guilt that I incessantly carried simply for questioning my gender – and for being unable to talk about it with a single breathing person anywhere in the world. And that trauma was all associated with a contradictory image of a conditionally-loving and judgmental God that did not match the inner guidance of my confused heart.
I overflowed with debilitating shame and guilt – and with the powerlessness to do anything about either. Those emotions did not come from being physically abused by a bully who was bigger than me – but came from the judgmental bullying of a well-meaning-but-controlling religious system that was indeed much bigger than me.
Powerlessness To Rage
Abraham then goes into considerable detail regarding how accessing anger and rage is absolutely the proper response to overthrow such feelings of powerlessness. Following are some of those words of Abraham that I feel deeply inspired to share. I use […] to indicate where I omit small segments for compactness.
“Some would say … ‘well, you have to forgive’ … and we say, well, forgiveness is a long way from powerlessness, and if we were standing in your physical shoes, we’d feel plenty of rage about it. And here’s the thing that we would do that most of you don’t let yourself do; we would not feel guilt about feeling rage. In other words, nobody should make you eat those apples. […] Nobody should make you do anything that you don’t want to do […] It’s not right that people who are powerful, or people who are bigger, force themselves on people who are littler.”
“You have to find some way of bringing yourself from powerlessness into the attitude that that’s not right, and what’s had you tripped up in this, all this while, is that you were so convinced that that was a good person […] that you have not been able to allow yourself to get really mad, because getting really mad at him feels to you that it’s violating the other things that you were being taught. You talk about a tricky vortex that they get you in. That’s what hypocrisy does […].”
These words deeply resonate with me. In my healing journey, I have felt considerable guilt in allowing myself to feel anger or rage toward people and institutions that I love, so rather than express the emotions in a healthy way, I kept them buried, which also prevented me from healing them. The trickiest part has been in writing about this – in writing about the suppressed anger that I have carried at parents and religion – because I genuinely and deeply love my parents and family, and I continue to honor their religion as it works for them – yet I must write about the suppressed anger and rage because it is an integral element in my healing journey.
An Inner Guidance System
Abraham is very eloquent in discussing the distorted energies of hypocrisy, and how those energies cause us to lose our own inner guidance system.
“Nothing is more painful, or more powerfully influencing your own separation in energy than someone who is professing truth on the one hand and performing the opposite on the other hand. Talk about a scrambling of energy, you see. But it’s not so different than a mother who is shouting at her child ‘Don’t you know I love you’ when she is so mad she would like to kill you … when she’s not anywhere near the vibration of love, you see.”
“And so, what’s happened to so many of you is that you have let something outside of you replace the guidance that is within you. So, instead of trusting how you felt – that it was alright to feel angry and let your inner being call you through that rage and anger right back out into the light – instead, most people are doing it too, you’re looking to the church which let you down, or you’re looking to the government that leave’s you on your roof starving to death, or you’re looking to your mother who cannot possibly understand everything that is important to you. When you look to anything that is outside of you, you’re out of control, but when you quantify your journey by establishing consciously your own two points of vibrational relativity, you can close that gap every time.”
In the final segments of the video, Abraham assists the man to understand a beautiful thinking pattern to balance his vibrational realities – the reality of his physical self with that of his inner being (Higher Self) – so that they are in harmony.
A Powerful Metaphor
As I repeatedly ponder and re-watch this video, I allow myself to feel the deep emotions that surface – deep emotions of powerlessness, hopelessness, anger, and rage. I also experience a great deal of self-love energies surfacing in my soul – loving energies that seem to magically assist me in releasing the agitated emotions surfacing in my lower chakras.
Soon, my inner pains migrate to that nail-in-my-heart spot, and I clearly realize that the screwdriver that metaphorically stabs me in my heart is the religious fixing energy of the intensely embedded lifelong guilt that has been telling me that I was broken and defective – and that I could only be fixed by people more broken than I.
I do remember my guidance system at around age twelve or thirteen. I remember the confusing feelings on the inside – feelings that deeply contradicted what I was being told on the outside. That inner guidance was indeed crucified in the name of a false God.
As I meditate, I intuitively see the metaphorical screwdriver that was driven into my heart. I was screwed and told that I needed to be fixed by that screwdriver, because my true and genuine heart was unacceptable and broken.
What a powerful metaphor.
Reality Check
As I prepare to stroll out to Keith’s magical porch for a Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I am glowing in this thought-provoking energy. I had no idea that I had suffered so much emotional abuse as a child – all because of the confusing distortions between my own inner guidance system versus the sexual and religious teachings that were taught to me by well-meaning adults.
I am shocked when the ceremony begins. There are four of us not counting Keith, and I am the only female energy present. To make matters more confusing, Tom and Paul are two of the other three men – men onto which I have been projecting quite extensively.
“I wonder why I manifested this group of people today,” I ponder with deep curiosity as I remind myself that I create my own reality.
Pre-Conflict
The conflict starts even before the ceremony begins. Tom gets a complaining look on his face and grumbles considerably about the seating on the porch – begrudgingly pointing out that I always sit against the wall by Keith’s kitchen door.
“We should mix the seating up.” Tom complains. “It is not fair that you always sit there, as if you are privileged or something.”
I remain quiet and simply choose not to respond. I usually show up a half hour early to help set up. The seating is first-come-first-serve. I need back support provided by the wall, and I frequently run into the kitchen to pour chocolate for newcomers during a ceremony. I feel no guilt whatsoever for sitting where I do, and see no reason to move.
Distorted Masculine Bullying
To my surprise, right as the ceremony begins, Tom exerts what I perceive as a huge distorted sense of masculine power.
“I think I’ll sit right here.” Tom declares as he walks right up to the kitchen entrance and pushily squeezes himself into a cramped spot to my right, with Keith crowded on the other side.
This is not an inviting seating place at all – it is a doorway to the kitchen, with no back support – a doorway that in non-crowded conditions is best left open and passable. As Tom stubbornly sits by me, I deeply sense his angry, manipulative, domineering energy. I find this onslaught of energy to be awkward, uncomfortable and challenging – extremely unpleasant is an understatement. Being a lifelong people pleaser, I have no desire to engage in conflict or confrontation … so I decide to run away.
“This is ridiculous.” I respond calmly as I look around the mostly empty porch. “If you’re going to be that way, I’ll just move over here where there is tons of space.”
Seconds later, I have moved my pillow and cushions to the empty side of the porch. I am completely comfortable in my new and very inviting surroundings. The only thing that haunts me is that I ran away from conflict … that I allowed some very powerfully distorted masculine energy to bully me.
A Beautiful Setup
Minutes later, as one other woman arrives, Tom continues to defiantly block the kitchen door – he has not even slid over to occupy his coveted “prime” space that I left empty.
“I can’t get into the kitchen so I guess I can’t serve chocolate today.” I calmly protest while glancing at Keith.
I do not want to get anywhere near Tom. Keith stops what he is doing, interrupts the ceremony, and awkwardly squeezes past Tom to retrieve the chocolate himself. Keith says nothing to Tom as he does so.
As I sit during the long glow meditation, I return to my pre-ceremony process of feeling the childhood anger while bringing in self-love to help transmute the emotions. While doing so, I begin to hit deep painful emotion and muffled tears.
In fact, I sink into a state of being extremely livid and angry – and of being actually quite terrified at being surrounded by almost all male energy, much of which feels strongly distorted and controlling right now.
I want to run away, but a part of me realizes this is a beautiful setup.
Facing Conflict
Still during the glow meditation, Tom stands up and walks down into the garden for a short break. This is quite typical for him. He is coming to the ceremonies, but not really engaging in them. As I stare at my former ceremony space, I begin to struggle with a thought.
“Should I empower myself and go reclaim my original spot?” I ponder timidly.
“Or is that just being petty and going to create additional conflict?” I lean to the other side.
Part of me strongly insists that by cowering and avoiding the issue, that I am running my old pattern of behavior, simply melting away in the face of conflict … and that I need to undo that pattern by returning to my seat.
I persistently resist this loud inner voice, but after ten minutes when Tom has not yet returned, I do a little muscle testing with my fingers – a form of self-kinesiology – and the answer I receive is “yes, return to your seat.”
Standing Up To Bullies
My heart beats rapidly and my stomach lunges as I grab my pillows and return to my seat by the kitchen door. Meanwhile, I gently move Tom’s bag to the middle of the room, by a small table, and slightly scoot my cushion over (as I always do every ceremony) to make more room for the person on my left.
When Tom returns a few minutes later, I feel his angry energy as he stares at the new seating accommodations. Keith has slightly moved to the left, I have moved slightly to the right, Tom’s bag is moved, and there is no space for him to sit between us.
Tom remains standing, grabs his bag, and places it right in my leg space and then returns to the other side of the porch, still standing. I very gently pick up the bag from my foot space and move it back to the side of a small table in the center of the room.
“BRENDA,” Tom grumbles firmly and angrily, “You will NOT move my bag.”
“Tom,” I respond calmly, but with passion, “I need this leg space here so I can spread out when my legs hurt. It is ridiculous that your bag cannot be moved.”
“Earlier on,” I continue, “when you made a big fuss about the preferred seating, I simply cowered, put my tail between my legs, and walked away like I have always done my whole life. I did not want conflict, and sacrificed my own inner truth in the process. Now, I feel guided to reclaim my spot. My heart wants to be here. I was already here, and it is ridiculous that you want to crowd in when the rest of the porch is absolutely empty.”
Tom lashes back in anger.
Unexpected Support
“Brenda is in a powerful process,” Keith jumps to my defense, “and she is perfect in what she is doing. You know that I always ask people to put their bags in the bodega (storeroom).”
Keith is firm but not attacking … defending my action but not going overboard. I deeply appreciate his unexpected support. I had half expected Keith to be quite unhappy with me for being assertive and reclaiming my power. I am extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation, always expecting the worst.
Soon I return to my meditation, feeling the now-intense anger that has been triggered, while continuing to love myself right where I am at. Tom continues to stand on the other side of the porch, simply staring, while I ignore him.
Tom is very angry. I feel the intensity of his emotions. When he finally sits down, he does so with his back to the porch while immersing himself in a book, completely disengaged from the ceremony.
Anger At Powerlessness
I continue to ignore Tom, but do not feel safe doing any inner processing with him around. His anger deeply intimidates me.
Rather than doing external processing, I continue to focus on my inner meditation, allowing myself to feel the anger and rage, visualizing them as helping me break through the powerlessness – not only the powerlessness of having my true heart suppressed in childhood – but the powerlessness I feel around such distorted masculine energy as Tom’s.
Finally, after Tom leaves early (which he always does), the porch gets hopping with real inner work. It seems that I was not the only one waiting for the energy to shift.
Fixing Fundamentals
While continuing to allow anger to boil and surface, I am quite surprised when the “nail-in-my-heart” spot begins to hurt profusely. While I feel the pain physically, I always know it is an energetic metaphor from the subconscious. I listen as Keith works with one person. When the topic turns to issues of sexuality, my lower chakras begin to rebel with sharp pains in both my solar plexus and in my second chakra.
In the midst of going deeper into my pain, Paul interrupts Keith to ask for more understanding about fixing energy. This is one interruption by Paul that I actually enjoy.
I love that Paul asks the question, and that he actually seems to be interested in the answer. Keith explains that rather than just having an understanding of what is wrong with someone, it is very important to have a deep energetic and intuitive connection to their process.
“For example,” Keith uses me to illustrate, “because of Brenda’s life experience, she can profoundly tell when someone is genuinely understanding and supporting her process, or if they are instead simply saying ‘I see what’s wrong with you and I want to tell you about it and help you to fix it.’”
Breathing In The Belly
Another gentleman on the porch is on the edge of doing some very deep work of his own. I pick up on this and encourage him, saying “go for it.” I deeply relate to his process … it could very well be my own in many ways. In fact, my participation greatly facilitates him being able to go as deep as he does.
When he begins to access deep anger and rage, I interrupt at an appropriate time.
“Is it OK if I participate in your process at the same time?” I ask my friend.
“Absolutely,” He responds.
To my shock, I ride his emotional wave and am soon engaged in a very deep emotional process of angry release. I begin to loudly sound vocal tones … ohming and other sounds … and each time I do I begin to dry-heave energy out of my abdomen – or burst into sobbing, gut-wrenching tears – or yell out profanities at the angry emotions that are stuck inside of me, etc… When these outbursts diminish, I resume another round of vocal toning, which stimulates another round of deep heaving angry emotional release.
“Breathe, Brenda,” Keith coaches me to do it easier, “use your abdomen.”
As I focus more on deep breathing, accessing the power center in my solar plexus, my emotional release gets even more intense. I intuitively know I am accessing that suppressed power – both in the solar plexus and in the throat/vocal expression – and the act of breathing in the belly/power-center seems to be an important part of this.
Wails And Dry Heaves
“Notice that when you make noises you are releasing in a powerful way,” Keith guides me, “and when you stop the noises you return into the tears.”
“Breathe more,” Keith coaches, “breathe louder with more pushing from your abdomen.”
After about thirty minutes, I feel done with this intensely powerful and surprising emotional release. It has been exhausting, and I am tired … but my second chakra, below my belly button, is now aching sharply and profusely.
I focus on attempting to access the anger from this lower chakra, and as I do so I suddenly hit feelings that I intuitively recognize as deep grief at losing my creativity and sexuality – both centered in this second chakra. As I attempt to access and express these emotions, they feel stuck.
“Keep going Brenda,” Keith encourages me.
I push myself harder and double my emotional release efforts.
“There, that is your second chakra energies starting to move.” Keith soon shares his insights as I am able to access another burst of intense emotional release – a burst that brings with it a whole new level of emotional anguish and sensation.
This lower chakra release lasts for perhaps only five minutes as I let out agonizing wails and dry heaves of emotions – only occasionally gasping for breath in between. Finally, the emotion dries up.
Baby Moses
“I think you are probably done for now.” Keith guides me. “Now it is time to bring in the light to fill up the spaces which have been emptied.”
As I invite the light, I focus on a mindset of “allow and surrender” – knowing that this is not something that I “do”, but is something that I “intend” and then get out of the way. At first, I feel quite stuck, but eventually, I gradually begin to feel increasing peaceful vibrations in my heart.
To my delight, some of the peaceful energy also brings in a sensation of beautiful relaxation to my shoulders – more than I remember in a very long time.
“Get back in the flow of your river.” Keith lovingly suggests.
Soon I am envisioning myself floating in my oar-less raft, drifting downstream, trusting the higher energies to guide me.
“I’m visualizing Brenda as the baby Moses in a basket.” Paul soon interrupts.
“Wow, I like that,” I thank Paul, “being a baby helps me bring in more trusting innocence, and it helps me feel a little more joyful and hopeful, since babies are able to release things so much more easily.”
Building Trust
Minutes later, I express a feeling of being deeply stuck to Keith. As I do so, I use my fingertips to tap lightly on my chest and abdomen.
“Ouch,” I suddenly exclaim, “My solar plexus is extremely painful right below my rib cage … and I am feeling sharp pains in my collarbone as well.”
“The collarbone pains are because another layer of your high-heart is opening.” Keith shocks me. “And you are resisting it.”
“I had no idea that my high heart would open in layers.” I express my surprise to Keith.
“Of course,” I ponder to myself. “The opening right before Christmas was just the initial trust-building stage. Just like other openings in my body, everything is a gradual journey of building trust.”
Party Time
As I continue my short conversation with Keith, I feel even stronger painful resistance in my lower chakras – an area that is now devoid of loving vibrations.
“Rather than making this pain wrong,” Keith guides me, “Go into your inner conference room and have a discussion with these energies.”
Soon, I am deep in meditation.
“I know you do not fully trust me yet,” I lovingly share with these energies gathered around my metaphorical conference table. “I am sorry that I have been oppressing you all of these years … but we worked together in a beautiful way this evening … and you saw that I am trying to understand and partner with you … that I am not trying to fix or push.”
“We did some awesome emotional release together.” I silently share with these energies. “Will you celebrate with me? … Will you allow some love and light for now … and you can shut it back down later if you want?”
As I sit in peaceful meditation, I begin to feel beautiful vibrations, beginning at my neck, then gradually spreading and moving down my spine to my lower back. Then the vibrations spread from my back and fill my entire abdomen, as if all of the energies in my lower chakras are throwing a huge party. This beautiful and enjoyable energy graces me until shortly after the end of the ceremony.
Burger Time
As Paul soon leaves the porch, I am totally shocked by what happens next.
“Good work you two.” Paul congratulates me and the other man who worked along with me.
“Wow, Keith,” I express my surprise, “I felt Paul’s genuine compassion and real space holding energy … that was beautiful.”
Soon, I express my intent to go honor my inner child with a yummy burger and fries at my favorite local restaurant.
“Do you mind if I join you?” My friend (the one who helped me) asks.
“I would love the company.” I respond.
The Divine Flow
After a delightful celebratory conversation with my friend, I am up late taking notes, eager to not forget anything about this amazing and powerful day.
I find it difficult to believe that it was only this morning when I watched that video “ABRAHAM HICKS Release Childhood Abuse”. I find it amazing, and beautifully synchronous that this same video has facilitated my process so profoundly today. The video, which is not even available anymore, primed the pump for huge growth, guiding me into the subtleties of my own emotional/psychological abuse in the area of sexuality and personal power. It assisted me in recognizing the powerless state that has dominated my life, and in helping me understand the importance of accessing anger and rage as a way to overcome that powerlessness.
And as much as I was triggered by Tom’s behavior today, I am deeply grateful that he slammed me with angry energy … revealing my lifelong tendency to surrender my power to such distorted, controlling, and manipulative energy – to any energy that would abuse and use power to dominate others. I am thankful that I momentarily cowered in the name of being a peacemaker, trying to avoid conflict and confrontation, but even more grateful that I recognized this pattern and took back my power.
And I am deeply grateful for the minor sexual issues that were triggered by someone else’s deep work. It seems that everything I needed for the amazing work today was simply handed to me on a silver tray.
And amazing it was. Through the assistance of others, I accessed and expressed that anger and rage in a powerful and healthy way. I released huge reservoirs of that rotting rage – and was then successful in bringing in the higher energies to transmute what I was able to feel, to fill up the now-empty spaces with light and love.
And most beautiful of all, I ended the ceremony in powerful peace, partying with my inner energies, and partying (if you call burgers and fries a party) with a friend.
All I had to do was surrender to the synchronous and powerful divine flow, and everything else simply took care of itself.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved