Early Wednesday morning, January 18, 2012, I am still somewhat shell-shocked from my lost and bewildered state – a state of undoing the ego lies from a lifetime of societal conditioning.
As I browse the internet, I synchronously stumble onto a YouTube video of Abraham, channeled through Ester Hicks. The message of the video captivates me, inspiring me deeply in many ways. I watch the video over and over for more than two hours. For anyone wishing to watch the video for themselves, it is titled “Abraham Hicks – You Were Born With A Guidance System” and it can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEWag5o3G6I.
Paddling upstream
Each time I push the replay button, I find myself sinking deeper into emotions of childhood powerlessness – feeling myself as a tiny toddler desperately, but hopelessly, fighting back against an alien world that does not understand or validate who I truly am.
I will not repeat the text of the entire video, but I do wish to discuss two metaphors that resonate profoundly with my heart. In the first, Abraham talks of a river, moving downstream. Everything we want in life is within that current. We can simply relax and allow ourselves to go with the steady flow, and everything that we want will begin showing up in our experience with perfect timing.
Yet, when most of us put our raft into the river, we tend to turn our raft upstream, and begin paddling as hard as we can, believing that we have to fight the current to achieve the rewards that we really want.
I was deeply conditioned as a child to believe that going with the flow is lazy, and that the only way to succeed in this world is to work hard at paddling upstream against the natural flow of life.
Flowing Downstream
Abraham does not mince words in stating that everything we want is downstream and that nothing we want is upstream. The following is a small segment of this part of the video.
“And so, without knowing it, most of our human friends have picked up very upstream habits. You have been trained by others who have been paddling upstream very hard … and the art of allowing is about letting go of those oars … and it’s easy to let go of the oars … when you know that everything you want is downstream, and when you know that the source energy within you, the broader part of you, is down there tending what you are wanting. But when you believe that you have to work hard, when you believe that struggle is inherent in achieving, then, while we would admit that you can move some physical things around, we have to say to you that creation through action is mediocre at best in terms of the results it brings to you, and that creation through alignment of energy is where all of the masters and all of those that you revere have found their place.”
This message of everything I want being downstream deeply inspires me. I have often quoted the words of the popular children’s song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”, using those words as a metaphor for going with the divine flow – but Abraham’s words profoundly resonate, taking the idea much deeper, indicating that we can tell whether we are going upstream or downstream based on how we feel inside.
Anger At Powerlessness
But another concept in the video also deeply registers in my soul. Abraham talks about how, in the cases of depression, fear, and powerlessness, that anger IS the appropriate response to overthrow such emotional states. As much as I have learned to semi-understand that anger is a positive emotion when expressed appropriately, I had never fully understood that getting angry in my emotional inner work processing is the best way to overthrow buried feelings of depression and powerlessness.
I love this little snippet from the video:
“If you feel you do not have power, the first thing you do is you throw a fit (like the little ones) because you know with everything in your being that you are free, and that you are supposed to be able to get what you want. It is an innate tenant of who you are, so when someone tries to convince you that you are not, it’s like a pillow pressed to your face. You flail about, but in time, just like you break your horses, we see you break your children, in the sense that finally, most of them will give up if the bigger one insists that the direction of anger from the feeling of powerlessness is the wrong direction. But we are here to tell you that every time, it’s the right direction.”
I love that Abraham uses the metaphor of childhood conditioning as being like “breaking our children as we might break a horse”. As a child, I finally did give up, surrendering to the powerlessness of the conditioning that was lovingly thrust upon me.
Float And Allow
I spend the remainder of Wednesday morning immersed in meditation, inviting higher energies to fill my lower chakras with love and light – without pushing. It is an interesting meditation in which I feel considerable energy movement, combined with blockages and resistance at bringing this lower-chakra energy into my heart.
When the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, during the glow meditation, I imagine myself lying on my back in the bottom of an oar-less raft, gently drifting down a large slow-moving river. As I do so, I again visualize myself under a domed force field (the wall around my heart), while opening a small doorway in that protective energy wall above me.
As I drift without control, asking love to flow through the doorway above, I find myself experiencing a flurry of mixed emotions. Mild fears begin to surface – yet trust is also present. I simply float and allow, letting the mild fears drift through me without resistance.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts the glow meditation to briefly speak to me, “your energy today is very nice.”
I love how Keith is so aware of what I am doing, even though we have exchanged no words regarding my inner journey.
Fear, Powerlessness, And Anger
I spend the first couple of hours meditating by myself as Keith moves very slowly around the porch. Insights gradually flow, as well as slightly painful inner metaphors. The “nail-in-my-heart” spot seems softer as it vibrates with a sensation of mild agitated fear. Second chakra pains come and go in my lower abdomen.
Gradually, the sensation of fear increases as I continue to observe the work Keith does with others. It seems that everything he says to someone else is being said directly to me – being exactly what I need to hear, taking me step by step, deeper into my process.
Eventually, I am no longer able to remain in my peaceful state at the bottom of that drifting raft. The inner fears have become quite agitated, beginning to shift into physical panic. I remember and reflect on the powerful words of the Abraham video this morning.
“I really am powerless,” I ponder with clarity. “The metaphors have been telling me this for a very long time. My magical theme park is without power. My inner fuse has been blown. I know there is much magic in me, but the life force to activate that magic is blocked and shut down.”
“I need to get angry to get out of my depression and lack of power.” I ponder more of Abraham’s words.
Gradually, the fearful emotions that have been surfacing in my consciousness shift into unexpressed emotions of anger – the suppressed and rejected anger of a child who had no power. It is anger at adults who once took away my power – and anger at my own inner Gestapo energy that continues to keep me powerless to this very day.
Throughout my life, I have been trained that anger is bad – that power is bad – that they are both, in fact, quite evil.
Inner Triggers
The intensity of this inner struggle gradually increases as Keith slowly continues his first pass around the porch. A few tears surface and trickle down my cheeks, but I do not yet surrender to them. I mostly remain in the trust of the inner flow that is guiding me – believing that I need do nothing except to allow the higher energies to continue guiding me on this journey.
It is a journey that I need to take. I am willing to feel whatever surfaces – willing to hear whatever understandings might come my way.
I am absolutely astounded when Keith begins to work with the man I am calling Tom. Tom is now at his third ceremony. After what happened on Sunday, I no longer project my inner emotions onto him, but his energy continues to trigger my inner issues deeply. He is like an external movie of my own hated inner bible-banging Gestapo energy – an energy of denial, repression, emotional shutdown, and distorted masculine traits.
“Wow, what a strange manifestation.” I think to myself as I watch Tom unknowingly push every one of my inner triggers. “I wonder why I created this.”
Inner Anger
Tom seems to be graphically showing me what my own inner Gestapo energy continues to do to me on the inside. As I watch Keith attempt to work with him, I begin to quietly sob as I watch Tom’s sarcastic walls of denial go up.
Every time I open my eyes to take a peek at Tom, another burst of emotion causes me to sink even stronger into angry emotions. I attempt to restrain myself from outright sobbing, but before long, my jaw is shaking and tears are streaming like rivers down my cheeks.
Meanwhile, anger is boiling inside – not anger at Tom, but anger at my own inner power outage – anger at the inner energies that continue to shut me down and prevent me from accessing my magic.
I simply trust that I need to feel this anger while allowing it to grow and increasingly flow through me unobstructed.
Mountain Metaphors
As Keith moves on to work with the person seated next to me, Tom lays down on the ground and sticks his feet right in my space, as he had done in his first ceremony. I get the feeling he is doing this on purpose, but ignore his behavior. I continue to see him as an external actor showing me what is going on inside of me.
Knowing that I want to love my inner energies, I begin by sending external love to Tom – sending energy to him using my right hand while placing my left hand on my own heart.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts me, “It is time to disconnect from someone else’s energy and work with that energy inside of you.”
“When I see someone else who is stuck, it deeply triggers my inner struggle and realization of my own profound stuck-ness and powerlessness.” I proceed to fill Keith in regarding my intentions. “I am just trying to send love …”
Keith quickly cuts me off and reminds me of a metaphor he shared with me a week or two ago. In the metaphor, he told me that each of my overwhelming emotions was a mountain, and that I am trying to climb over and conquer each mountain – but that if I use higher energy, I can simply follow a little narrow path that leads between them.
In my case, a mountain of fear towers on one side, while a mountain of anger dominates the other. Both of these ominous mountains are related to my powerlessness. I would love to just slip between them, but simply do not know how.
Ride The Wave
“Your last year has been perfect,” Keith begins to teach me. “It was designed exactly for what you needed in your own learning, and for your writing, etc…, but what you have been doing is sort of like trying to dig through and tear down those mountains using a spoon. That will take you many lifetimes. It works, but is way too tedious and difficult. It is now time for you to ride the wave through that crack (between the mountains). Get up on your surfboard, perhaps even put a lawn chair on it.”
As Keith shares this wisdom with me, I envision myself back in my raft, sitting in a lawn chair, drifting effortlessly down a beautiful river. On either side are the mountains of fear and anger. Both are gorgeous, covered with lush tropical foliage, flowers, and birds. I imagine my raft slowly taking me downstream as I drift toward my destination, winding through the peaceful scenic canyon that separates these two looming obstacles.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts my meditation, “when you get to one particular thorny spot, reach out and grab a piña colada to help you relax and enjoy the ride.”
As I continue to engage this fun metaphor, drifting through steep canyons with majestic rugged cliffs on either side, rational mind is not quite sure if this metaphor is taking me anywhere – but I trust Keith and my inner voices, and both are telling me that what I am doing is real.
Gradually, my pains, fears, and angry emotions subside. I want to believe that they moved out of me for transmutation, but since my energy perceptions remain so blocked, all I can do is trust what I feel – and I feel quite loving and peaceful.
All Is Well
Soon, a young woman comes over and holds my hand. Initially, sensing the presence of fixing energy, I begin to resist, but then choose to allow her gesture with gratitude. I feel her pure intent, and could use a little emotional support in my process.
I quickly imagine this young woman holding my hand on the raft as we drift downstream between the mountains. Seconds later, I visualize my little Sharon grabbing my other hand as the three of us float through this emotional journey.
At one point, the young woman begins to cry and I interrupt Keith to make sure that she is not absorbing my inner pain. I will not release my pain if she is going to take it into herself.
“What she is sending you is quite beautiful.” Keith lovingly reassures me. “All is well.”
I peacefully return to my meditative journey.
Trusting My Abilities
Meanwhile, Keith is involved in some quite intense relationship work with others on the porch. I watch with interest while continuing my own inner journey. I notice that I begin to feel quite jealous of how easily these other beautiful people can connect to the energies … and I notice that I am beginning to flog myself as being a loser for struggling.
“Maybe if I just try to do what they are doing,” I ponder my lack of trust. “Instead of being resistant and jealous, I’m just going to flow energy the same way they are.”
I sink deeper into meditation and soon have a very nice flow of energy running through me – a gentle peaceful flow running from the base of my spine up to my shoulders. It is very tingly and pleasurable. I am quite proud of myself for trusting my abilities rather than sinking into another ego loop.
“That’s very nice.” Keith eventually shares as he reaches over to touch my arm to get my attention.
Not Trusting Myself
“I would love some feedback to help me understand where I am at and what I have been doing today.” I share rational mind doubts with Keith.
Keith pauses and gently stares back at me.
“You’re not going to give me what I want, are you?” I speak first. “You’re going to make me trust myself.”
Keith silently agrees with an annoying grin.
“Can you at least give me something to go home with?” I beg. “I have these little doubts and just some type of confirmation would help me to settle them.”
Keith stares in silence.
“I know, I know.” I again speak first. “I am back in that ego loop of doubting myself … of not trusting myself for what I did.”
Keith continues to smile with a silent annoying grin.
Time To Trust
“Can I ask you a different question?” I change subjects. “Tomorrow, I’m going to write about that experience at the yoga retreat where I opened my high heart almost a month ago. I still have lots of sharp pains in my upper chest region. I feel like a psychic machete cut me up when I opened that area, and I would love to understand that more.”
“Connect with one of those pains and ask it so share with you what it is about,” Keith begins to coach me. “Ask the pain to tell you why it is still there.”
After wavering and slipping into doubts about my intuitions, Keith again repeats his instructions.
“I think it is still hurting so that I can have this experience and learn to trust the process.” I respond, not fully trusting what I am saying. “This is forcing me to trust myself more.”
An Annoying Grin
Suddenly my projection buddy Paul forcefully interrupts my conversation with Keith.
I am quite proud of myself. Paul has been running around the porch all day, in ways that I personally perceive as distracting, fixing, pushing, and filled with ego – all the while not doing any of his own work. I have not projected or been triggered by any of what I have perceived. Yes, I have observed, but see it as something that is part of Paul’s own process – something for Keith to deal with – something that is no longer my concern to figure out or judge. Up until this moment, I have been beautifully and peacefully ignoring Paul’s behavior.
“Brenda,” Paul yells out at me. “I’m tired of your bullsh#t. I put up with it all last month. Of course the pains are telling you to trust yourself, blah blah blah.”
I am so angry at Paul’s words that I do not remember much else of what he says. While at one level, he might be accurate regarding my not trusting myself, his delivery is extremely uncompassionate, and attacking me for being a stupid bull-sh#tter. His comments were uninvited, pushing, impatient, forceful, and quite disempowering – not to mention that they were spoken in front of the whole group.
Keith says absolutely nothing … simply looking at me with his same annoying grin.
Speaking Back
Keith’s silence seems to me to be an implicit agreement with Paul’s rude words.
“Paul, while you may be accurate,” I firmly speak back to Paul, “this is NOT the way Keith does things on this porch, and I want to work his way, not yours. He is intentionally not giving me the feedback that I beg for because he is guided that I need to figure it out for myself, to learn to trust myself. What you are doing is invalidating my process, telling me what you see with a strong fixing and pushing energy … taking away my growth opportunity by giving me an answer that makes you smart and makes me stupid.”
“I cannot receive this comment from you because of your delivery and attitude.” I continue.
Keith smiles at me, and says a few words that send me in a different direction.
God Drama Digression
“When I beg my teacher to fix me,” I start rambling to Keith, “he refuses, because it is not appropriate, nor is it what I need in my process. When someone else tries to fix me with technically accurate information, I reject it, because it is disempowering and inappropriate.”
“Hmmmm,” I ponder out loud, “This is interesting. I desperately crave to be fixed by higher energies, but absolutely refuse to be fixed by someone who is insensitive and who does not understand me.”
“Sounds like your God drama to me.” Keith interjects.
“Yeah,” I respond humbly, “I can see that. I want God to fix me and am angry that She will not do it … and I won’t allow myself to be fixed by anyone or anything else.”
“I’m not going to project onto Paul for this one.” I add. “I know this is just showing me my God/separation drama”
Fixing Please
Meanwhile, a man from Mexico who has shamanic training asks if he can do something to me. I surprise myself by saying ‘yes’ – allowing some type of fixing energy to see what will happen. Soon, he does some type of shamanic cleansing ritual on me, involving incense, and spitting water all over me.
What happens is that I end up quite wet and feel absolutely no difference on the energetic level.
I wish Keith would do things to help “fix me”. I trust him; he has an inner license; he knows what is really going on in my process and he could really help me. But alas, Keith has too much integrity to fix me in ways that would violate the guidance of my own higher energies.
Yes, I want fixing energies from higher sources, but refuse to receive them from someone who will disempower my process.
Ain’t Gonna Happen
As most people in the ceremony eventually leave, two young women stop by my seat to give me huge hugs, sharing with me how much they love me and how much I helped them today. One even shares how I remind her so much of her grandmother’s loving energy. My heart radiates with gratitude at such tender feedback – but I am also slightly puzzled because all I have done today is to radiate love while doing my own inner work. The feedback I really crave is that from Keith.
I sit peacefully for most of the next hour, hoping the final few stragglers will leave because I desperately want a few moments alone with Keith. To my dismay, Paul, the shamanic man, and one other person remain behind, engaging Keith in a very long conversation.
I get the distinct impression that Keith is intentionally ignoring me – intentionally leaving me to fester in my emotions – that he is not going to satisfy my craving for a few minutes of one-on-one conversation.
Finally, as I sit pondering the concept of creating my own reality, I get the feeling that part if me is setting me up to go home feeling ignored and rejected after what felt like a fight with Paul – a fight that I wanted to talk about.
I know I did beautiful work, but I did not get my validation, and was then called a bull-sh#tter. I just want to talk about it … and I know that it “AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN”.
Perfect Ego Setup
Finally, around 7:30 p.m., I gather my things, stand up, and speak.
“Keith, I’m leaving now.” I mumble glumly. “I was hoping to get a few minutes alone with you, but I can see that is not going to happen.”
“You’re doing wonderfully, Brenda.” Keith shares in a way that almost feels impatient.
I do not respond, do not hug anyone, and simply walk away feeling dejected. As I near the gate, the silence is broken.
“I love you Brenda.” Paul calls out in what feels to me like gloating sarcasm – words that I perceive as being spoken from a state of cluelessness about what I am really feeling.
“Bullsh#t and all.” I respond to Paul in angry revolt as I disappear up the street.
It seems I am once again at war with my projection buddy Paul. As I walk up the steep street, I am angry, hurt, abandoned, and upset – a perfect ego setup.
Overshadowed By The Ending
Tears stream down my cheeks as I walk home. I am so angry with Paul for his utter lack of compassion, and angry with Keith for completely ignoring me as well. I have let go of what power I had, allowing myself to become lost in a state of complete victimization. As I walk into my apartment, I slam the door angrily, leave the lights turned off, and pout on my daybed.
It seems that I have taken a few steps backward in my journey with Paul. Rather than remaining unattached, I am once again projecting all over him. As I begin taking notes about my day, I am so angry that I can only remember what I am angry about. All of my beautiful growth and insights seem to have been overshadowed by the ending.
An Inside Job
I am in a huge victimization/ego loop. By 9:00 p.m., as I finish a quick meal of rice and beans, I am calming down considerably, but remain quite emotionally charged.
Part of me is livid that Keith would allow Paul’s attack on me without saying anything. The other part of me knows at a different energetic level, that I created the entire experience – that it served me greatly – that it is showing me a huge trigger and emotional pattern that I have not yet healed – and that Keith did not intervene because his guidance knows that the whole scenario will serve me.
“I create my own reality.” I remind myself over and over again. “I attracted this situation. It is not about Paul. It is not about what happened today on the porch. And nothing will change until I find and heal this issue on the inside where it really lives.”
A Lifelong Pattern
Finally, after considerable meditation, I send an email to Keith.
“Wow, you’re good …” I begin, “or perhaps I should say, wow, I’m good (at creating that is) … I think today I just recreated my life story … the story of my lifelong pain and rejection … showing me firsthand what I need to look at and let go of … the question remains, ‘How???’”
I go on to share with Keith how today, I believe I did some of my best work ever … surrendering, trusting, allowing higher energies to help … doing it mostly by myself … letting my heart express its true power … and for the most part staying out of trying to fix myself.
But then I slipped into an old pattern of desperately needing my blue ribbons – blue ribbons that I learned to depend on when my heart was conditioned out of me and I became a people-pleasing rule robot. That pattern took me into rejection by leaders and the popular crowd … leaving me feeling helpless and victimized.
The real insight comes, however, when I realize that I was invalidated and disempowered by someone who should be a healer (Paul – representing parents and religion) while my teacher (Keith – representing God) watches and seems to turn his back on me. In the end I am completely ignored, and finally leave, feeling dejected. This really is the story of the dysfunctional periods of my life.
Help Mr. Wizard
“I see this agonizing pattern.” I write to Keith in desperation. “It has played out repeatedly in my life, so many times, in so many ways. It was acted out beautifully tonight. I am a smart cookie, but I do not think I can do this all by myself. I am now in tears as I type this last sentence. I am trying so hard not to project, but this pattern brings up so much emotion, that trying to keep my projections inside of me is quite painful. I so deeply want to project all over both you and Paul … but I know this loop is inside of me.”
“Do I just sit with this,” I beg for clarity as I finish the email, “or do you think a private session tomorrow might help me find some healing clarity??? I’m thinking I would like to try to work on my projections/loop in a one-on-one session … Would you have some time tomorrow?”
Shortly before hitting the ‘send’ button on this email, a small earthquake shakes my apartment at 9:47 p.m. – quite the interesting metaphor, again reminding me that something powerful is shaking up the world as I know it.
Emotions remain so strong that attempts at restful sleep are futile. Finally, somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 a.m., I drift off for a very unsatisfactory rest.
Going Crazy
Unbeknownst to me, Keith’s internet connection is down. It will be six days before I receive a beautiful loving reply.
After just over two hours of broken sleep, I am again awake at 5:00 a.m. on Thursday morning. Intense agitated energy flows throughout my body, especially in my abdomen and chest. It feels like a high voltage power transformer is vibrating and buzzing in my body. I try to go back to sleep but absolutely cannot calm what feels like angry energy pulsing in my body.
I try meditating, attempting to flow the energy, but all such attempts fall flat. I check my email and there are no responses. I am driving myself crazy, in and out of agitated and non-focused meditation.
It seems quite obvious that this nightmarish journey is just beginning, and I am not at all looking forward to what I intuitively know could be a very painful journey ahead.
A Rejection Loop
Finally, at 9:15 a.m., I walk out to Keith’s home, hoping to schedule a private appointment in person. I am desperate and need assistance to pull myself back together.
When I arrive near Keith’s gate, I can hear someone talking to him inside his house. Feeling extremely antisocial right now, I choose to remain on the street, waiting for Keith to have an alone moment. By 10:00 a.m., after three others have walked in to also visit with Keith, I give up my stubbornness and walk in to briefly interrupt.
“Brenda, come on in and join us.” Keith grins when he sees me.
“I want to schedule a private appointment.” I explain after turning down Keith’s offer. “I’m not feeling very social right now.”
“How about 11:00 a.m.?” Keith asks cheerfully. “I can spend an hour with you then.”
“Is that enough time?” I respond glumly. “I am really messed up.”
Tears stream down my cheek as I feel even more rejected. I know for a fact that last night Keith’s schedule was wide open for today, because he had cancelled a planned trip … but now I can barely get an hour of his time. The whole scenario takes me deeper into my rejection loop.
A Reluctant Participant
I walk home to get some breakfast, feeling angry and victimized – ready to throw my own personal pity party. I want a full private session. I cannot go into these issues with others around – especially not the ones that I am angry at – and Paul just happens to be one of those on the porch this morning. Desperate to do some deep inner work, I eat a full ceremonial dose of chocolate with my oatmeal and return to Keith’s porch at 11:00 a.m..
To my dismay, as I arrive at 11:00, not only is the group still gathered, but one woman is deep in process. They are in the midst of an impromptu group ceremony.
“Come on in,” Keith lovingly requests, “or you can come back a little later.”
Clearly recognizing that they will not be done anytime soon, I reluctantly sit down. I have a wait-and-see attitude; I am willing to watch a little and see what happens.
Frustrated And Feisty
The woman doing inner work is deeply stuck. I can profoundly relate to her stuck-ness and feel very connected to her process – but Keith is focusing all attention on her. I remain the ignored observer. I wonder what I am doing here as I wish I could melt into the pillow on which I am sitting.
Then Keith begins to work with another woman. She is stuck in deep inner lies – lies telling her that she cannot move away from situations in her life until she first fixes them.
“That is bullsh#t and you know it.” Keith surprises me by being quite blunt with the woman – something I have never heard him do with such strong language.
“Just like Brenda is stuck in the resistance of bullsh#t.” Keith adds quickly.
“Yeah, I know I am stuck in deep bullsh#t,” I respond quickly, “but it is real, and I am unable to get out of it by myself. I’m a smart cookie but this is not something I know how to do.”
“Keith,” I quickly add, “I can handle YOU calling bullsh#t on me, because you have the inner license and understand where I am at in my process … but I cannot receive the same from someone who is full of bullsh#t themselves, and who refuses to look at it.”
As I say these words, I make direct eye contact with Paul. I am feeling quite feisty and defensive.
“I only got a couple hours of sleep last night.” I bring everyone up to my frustrated state of exhaustion. “I woke up with so much angry energy vibrating in my body that it felt like a high voltage transformer shaking me on the inside.”
“I have so much anger inside that is frantically trying to get out,” I share with Keith, “and it desperately wants to project all over the place. I am struggling to bring it back inside, but I am so mad at Paul … and even mad at you.”
Pain And Confrontation
Paul takes a minute to explain that his last spiritual teacher taught everyone in his group to all to be blunt with each other – to trigger each other into dealing with their inner issues. He then boasts that he is really helping me by triggering me.
“Paul, don’t be proud of yourself.” I quickly retort. “I was making great growth before you came along … and yes, I have made great progress after you arrived … but it has been in spite of you … not because of you. Yes, you triggered me and made me angry … and I had to go inside to find my triggers … but that was not a fun ride and I am NOT grateful for it.
“Brenda,” Keith quickly interrupts, “remember that you created all of it … that Paul loved you enough to play your script for you … pushing your buttons for you. These are the same buttons that you have been pushing inside of yourself for most of your life. You wanted his pushing to get you so angry that you would find the power to overthrow those triggers.
“I like to push people into pain and confrontation because it helps them grow.” Paul proudly volunteers with a gloating grin. “I did that and said those things yesterday because I deeply care about and love you.”
“Paul, that is not the way to help people.” I again lash back. “I respond so much better to loving encouragement. Triggering pain and confrontation is not the ‘fun bus’ and I do not want to take the ‘hard bus’ anymore.”
Keith again quickly reminds me that it was my creation and that I wanted it … that I wanted it to get me angry.
Say What?
“I am feeling very angry right now,” I share with Keith, “and I am desperately trying to keep that anger under control.”
“You need that anger to overthrow this pattern of your God drama and your inability to allow love and higher energies to help you.” Keith surprises me.
“Keith, I am so confused.” I beg for clarity. “Yesterday, I accessed that anger when working with Tom and my inner Gestapo energy. I was so ready to use that anger to somehow push this out of me, but you told me to detach and to simply find that passage between the mountains … and to love myself.”
“But today,” I add with frustration, “you are saying that I need the anger – that I need to go deeper into it.”
I am back in that craziness. Soon, I am sobbing – shedding angry emotions – through an ever shifting mixture of tears, sobs, coughs, jaw shaking, and piles of tissues. I cry uncontrollably for what feels like at least fifteen minutes.
Getting The License
“Look at her.” Keith directs me to the eyes of a woman in the group who deeply relates to my being stuck.
As I look into her eyes, I note that she is teary eyed, and filled with unconditional love and compassion.
“Now, look at her.” Keith has me look into the eyes of the other woman present. “She is so stuck that she is terrified of going where you are going. She is watching and learning from you.”
Meanwhile, as fate would have it, Tom has also ‘just happened’ to show up on the porch.
“Now look at him,” Keith points to Tom. “Brenda, you chose to get so stuck and lost that you would face deep terror – so that you could help people like Tom. He is over there terrified, watching you, being more stuck than even you are. He is relating to you. You are helping him, connected to him, and only by doing what you are doing do you have the inner license to help him. And he knows it…”
Keith then goes into a beautiful explanation to the group about the work I am doing. He shares that when people first go into a core issue, they are so terrified that they have too much fear to even get close to it. He explains that I am deep into a core issue and that it is a profound work of beautiful and perfect depth – something that I have carefully orchestrated for lifetimes in order to get the understanding of human suffering and compassion that I need for my inner license to help others.
Keith then deeply surprises me by explaining to Paul that one of his issues is pushing other people’s buttons in the name of love … and that this behavior will continue to cause him grief until he recognizes it and changes it inside himself.
Just One Drop
“Now, bring in that self love,” Keith gently guides me, “open a window, use any metaphor that you need, bring in that love using God, Goddess, angels, whatever.”
I imagine myself under that magical Harry Potter protective dome, opening a window at the top of that dome. I first see my beautiful friend Angela (my hugging friend from the yoga retreat) come through the window … then a small three-year-old angel. I imagine them flying down to the ground, hugging me, sharing divine love with me.
“Brenda, just allow in one drop.” Keith guides me.
I struggle to allow in this love, finding it difficult, even with my visualized metaphors.
“There, can you feel that?” Keith asks me, indicating that a tiny amount of love did make it through my walls.
“A tiny bit, but I doubt myself.” I respond.
“Brenda, you felt it,” Keith encourages me. “You can feel this … but a part of you is in fear and denial.”
Self-Love Is Key
I engage Keith in a small debate, insisting that I need him to do a play-by-play with me – telling me what he feels so that I can match his perceptions with my own experience – helping me to recognize and identify my own feelings more accurately.
“Brenda,” Keith responds, “I cannot teach you how to do this. When I went through a similar process, I had no one to guide me. I wasn’t told, until I finally succeeded after three years, that I needed to love myself even when I would normally be flogging myself.”
My ears perk up when I hear Keith telling me that self-love, even when I would rather flog myself, is a primary clue to this process.
“There is no way to tell you how to do it.” Keith continues. “You must find that way on your own.”
“But I would still appreciate more feedback to help me learn to trust myself.”
Heartfelt Feedback
“You are doing beautifully Brenda.” Keith patiently reassures me as I re-immerse myself deep in meditation.
I am imagining myself being hugged by real-life physical people – people I love and trust to love me unconditionally. I am also visualizing my own heart as loving myself.
“I am feeling pains in my heart and solar plexus when I do this.” I express confusion. “Can you help me to understand?”
“The pain is resistance,” Keith responds. “It is part of your process.”
“I need feedback like this to help me stop questioning, so that I can just allow.” I explain to Keith.
“Your inner feelings are your source of feedback.” Keith tries to teach me.
“But they hurt, and without your help,” I explain to Keith, “I wouldn’t trust that pain means that I am allowing some love to get in. I would be thinking that I am merely resisting it.”
“Yes, the love is coming in – love that you are fighting a little, creating the pain.” Keith honors my begging for closer feedback. “The flow of that love is no longer blocked. Some is indeed getting through.”
Ignoring The Bait
Keith soon moves on to resume work with others. I am deeply grateful for the beautiful time he spent in lovingly and patiently guiding me back to a state of trusting peace.
Eventually, Keith interrupts the long impromptu gathering to run into the kitchen to make some frozen banana ice cream for all of us. During this break, I continue my peaceful meditation. For the next half hour, the porch fills with bizarre, frivolous conversations – conversations that pull everyone else out of their process.
“Congratulations for staying in the love and not taking the bait to judge others.” Keith eventually steps out to quietly whisper in my ear about how I have ignored the interruptions and remained powerfully in my process.
“Yeah,” I thank him with deep gratitude, “Thanks for noticing.”
I am quite proud of myself for being able to remain so meditatively focused in situations that used to profusely trigger me.
Happy, Peaceful, And Drained
Eventually, after gobbling down a delicious frozen treat, I return to my meditation. But I am so tired that I cannot focus.
“Do you want me to remain to hold space?” I beg Keith for permission to leave.
“Yes please stay,” Keith responds.
Soon, I am so exhausted from so little sleep, that I lie down, attempting to focus but having no more strength to continue. I rest quietly for the next two and a half hours while Keith continues working with others.
“Brenda,” Keith eventually taps me on the shoulder as the gathering reaches conclusion. “You did beautiful work today. It was profoundly powerful and I love and honor you for that.”
Soon, everyone else on the porch shares similar expressions of love and hugs with me, even Paul. I am so exhausted and fragile that I begin to cry as I exchange these hugs. I am happy and peaceful … but emotionally drained … and sleep is desperately calling.
Forgotten Dreams
Shortly before 7:00 p.m., I am done with dinner and notes, and I quickly fall asleep. To my surprise, I awaken twice, once at 8:40 p.m. and again at 9:49 p.m. – both from the midst of powerful vivid dreams. I do not remember ever dreaming so much this early in the evening. But I am so exhausted that I fight the urge to get up to record the dreams. When I finally do get up and turn on the light on my nightstand, the dreams have completely vanished. Oh well.
As I drift back to dreamland, I sleep more soundly than in a very long time, sleeping until nearly 8:00 a.m. on Friday morning.
Peaceful Divine Flow
It has been a long and exhausting two days – days inspired by powerful metaphors from an Abraham YouTube video. I have found great serenity in the concept that everything I want in my spiritual journey waits peacefully downstream.
I have learned that anger can be an extremely positive and effective emotion in overcoming the depression of powerlessness. Somehow, in ways that I cannot explain, accessing my deeply hidden anger has allowed me to work together with the light in quickly releasing reservoirs of hopelessness that seemed to hold me hostage in past powerlessness.
I have learned that there are no absolute rules when engaging in this type of inner work – that I constantly need to look for and be open to new guidance – that sometimes I can simply trust and drift on a river between two huge mountains of emotion – and other times I need to use the anger to cut the bonds that hold me anchored and hopelessly tethered to the past.
I have slogged through a new potential nightmare with my projection buddy Paul – firmly standing my ground, speaking my truth, but not getting lost or mired in present-day projections.
But most importantly, I have managed to repeatedly return to the truth that I do indeed create my own reality … that everything happens for a reason, under the direction or permission of my own higher energies … that everything serves me if only I will allow it to flow through me rather than fighting and resisting it.
The journey of these two tiring days has not been a fun one, but the outcome is once again rewarding. I only wish I had more time to rest and enjoy the beauty of this peaceful divine flow … but another turbulent chocolate ceremony looms just around the next bend.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved