Note: this is the final part of a three-part story. If you have not yet read “Parts 1 and 2,” you may want to read them first …
Monday morning, as I wake up at 4:30 a.m., the ego chatter that consumes my head is beyond belief. Yesterday, in a wacky ceremony, I had lovingly embraced a “create my own reality” stage play in which bizarre occurrences left me feeling peaceful, loving, and even giggling.
But now, ego feels shortchanged, ignored, and is out to seek vengeance. As the mental chatter grows louder, I finally send an email to Keith, begging for a private appointment to help me again find clarity and centering. As I attempt to express my difficult emotional journey in words, tears stream down my cheeks.
“I am trying so hard to detach from the Paul issue, but I am feeling shell shocked and traumatized …” I tell Keith in my email. “ … I am still shaking from his yelling and sabotage attempts during my second process … Right now I absolutely do not feel safe doing any processing around him.”
I feel deeply violated by Paul’s defiant behavior. Last night I felt peaceful, believing that Paul could project all over me, and that I would be fine with it … but now I do not feel safe, neither emotionally nor physically.
Perception Versus Judgment
As I again attempt to center myself in meditation, I am flooded with new insights surrounding the concept of judgment.
“I think I have ‘perception’ linked as being equivalent to ‘judgment’.” I suddenly ponder. “And I have always believed that judgment of others is horrible and evil.”
“Since I have such powerful perceptive abilities,” the light bulbs begin to flash, “I have repeatedly flogged myself throughout my life, mistakenly believing myself to be deeply judgmental, simply for perceptively noticing someone’s dense energy or dark-shadow issues. I did not believe in my energy perceptions – absolutely knowing that they could not possibly be real – so I hated myself even more for experiencing them.”
“I flogged myself the most when I perceived such dense/dark-shadow energies in someone who proclaimed to be representing God.” I further ponder.
Throughout my life, I have been unable to separate the concepts of perception from judgment – frequently flogging and hating myself for being a judgmental jerk. As a result of this confusion, I have suppressed, beaten, abused, and locked-away my abilities to perceive energy – doing so in a loving, well-intentioned, and very confusing struggle to become less judgmental of others.
Perceptive Ponderings
“Is it even possible to perceive someone’s energy – seeing their inner energetic issues – without associating that perception as judgment toward them?” I ponder with deep curiosity. “If I could perceive someone’s issues without wrapping myself up in self-judgment, then that would be a powerful and positive tool as a healer and counselor.”
“I wonder if perhaps I tried to express my energetic perceptions to my parents when I was very young and innocent.” I go deeper into childhood origins. “Surely, if I had done so, I would have been deeply invalidated and told that I could not possibly know what I was talking about. I would have been made to feel extremely guilty for what they would have perceived as my unfounded judgments.”
“No wonder I shut down my energetic perceptive abilities as a young child.” The light bulbs flash even brighter.
As I continue pondering, I begin to realize that as I energetically perceive issues going on with Paul – that I immediately begin to judge myself for experiencing those perceptions – judging myself for being judgmental toward Paul (when in reality I am initially only perceiving). This turns into confusion, self-flogging, self-hatred etc., – and quickly takes me back into old behavioral loops and patterns of social dysfunction that once dominated my life. These old loops always resulted in nightmarish feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and victimization.
“This whole experience with Paul is triggering my lifelong struggle with feeling maligned and wrongly accused – and of being powerless to do anything about it.” I ponder with clarity.
A Political Coup
Soon, my new insights give way to additional ego chatter – ego chatter related to my perceptions of Paul’s ongoing behavior. Ego is beginning to have a field day.
I will not go into specific details in my writing. Suffice it say that the ego in me has assembled ample evidence over the last month or two to perceptively validate a new theory – a theory stating that Paul is subtly trying to take over Keith’s porch – a sort of political coup. This part of me believes that the reason Paul is fighting with me so much is because I am the only one resisting his attempts – the only thing that stands in his way – and I am his enemy number one.
Meanwhile, Keith is guided to know that everything is as it should be, that Paul is perfectly serving me in my growth, playing a script for me – so Keith simply smiles and allows the drama to unfold, mostly unfettered.
But because of Keith’s seeming complacency, the ego in me sees Keith as being an unknowing victim – the entire ceremonial porch is a victim – and I feel a desperate need to do something, to bring attention to this injustice.
A Frantic Metaphor
A new metaphor powerfully consumes my mind – one from “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”.
I suddenly see Keith as Frodo, the ring bearer, the amazing leader of the porch. I see myself as Sam, faithfully serving Frodo, doing all I can to support Keith on the porch while consistently doing my own deep inner work. And I see Paul as Gollum – someone who wants the ring for himself, doing everything he can to make me (Sam) look bad, to turn Frodo against me. To my shock, the metaphor powerfully resonates with me. I even see Keith’s permissive behavior with Paul as being what Frodo did with Gollum, seeing Gollum’s potential while ignoring his evil intentions.
As I contemplate a scene in which Gollum has deceived Frodo – a scene in which Frodo actually asks Sam to leave and go home – I cringe with emotion.
“I must share my insights with Keith.” I think to myself. “I really resonate as being ‘Sam’ and I feel Gollum’s evil intentions trying to push me out of the picture.”
My ego journey is no longer one to save myself – it is instead a journey to save Keith and the porch from the evils of Gollum.
Unheard, Invalidated, And Dejected
By 9:00 a.m., when Keith has still not answered my email, I stroll out to his porch, hoping to schedule something in person – knowing that Keith does not always have time to check his email in the mornings. After scheduling an appointment for 3:00 p.m., Keith has just a few minutes to chat.
Still stuck in the ego chatter, I quickly share my crazy mental/projection struggles with Keith. When I describe my “The Lord of the Rings” metaphors, Keith listens politely to my perceptions, and then immediately reminds me that I am projecting, that Paul is playing a powerful role for me.
“Brenda,” Keith reminds me firmly. “It is not about Paul; it is not about what it is about; and nothing changes until you do.”
As I walk home, feeling somewhat unheard, invalidated, and dejected … I cannot possibly see how I will survive until 3:00 p.m.
An Energetic Tug-Of-War
Remembering Nancy’s advice from Saturday, I avoid mental distractions, and instead plunge further into the crazy swimming pool of mental chatter. First, I identify many familiar patterns from my teen years – patterns in which I had felt devastated and victimized by the behavior of the popular kids in High School.
Then I remember a metaphor Keith has often shared in group. He will ask someone to extend his or her hand. Then Keith will grab their hand, pushing and pulling it forward and backwards, demonstrating a silly energetic battle of wills.
“Just by engaging in my game,” Keith eventually shares, “you are giving me your energy. Whether you appear to win or not, you are playing my game, and I am draining your energy.”
“Yesterday, I disengaged from Paul.” I ponder this metaphor. I stopped playing his energetic game of attack and defense and instead, I simply began to do my own work. As a result, he energetically freaked out, because his battle-partner had disengaged – withdrawing and rejecting him. His increased sabotaging was an attempt to reengage me – going to behavioral extremes to suck me back into the battle – but I ignored his attempts and remained disengaged.”
“But now, late last night, and especially this morning,” I ponder with frank honesty, “I am reengaging in the script, giving Paul power to do it all over again. I am reentering an energetic tug-of-war that no one will win.”
Goal Identification
“Just what am I hoping to achieve by reengaging Paul in this battle?” I ponder.
“I am trying to protect the porch from disruption, disrespect, and rebellion at authority.” I respond to myself. “I am trying to keep Paul in a box, trying to put him back where I believe that he belongs, insisting that he follow the rules as I interpret them.”
As I honestly look at my response, I do not necessarily agree with Paul’s methods – methods that likely stem from his own inner wounds – but I deeply identify with his ultimate goals.
I have spent my entire life being lovingly squished into a behavioral box, being coerced into being humble and reverent, being forced to respect and honor authority even when my soul begs me to do otherwise – begging me to break out and stand up to those who would continue to imprison me.
I am tired of living in that tight and restrictive box of conformity – yet I am angrily projecting onto someone who is desperately trying to claw his way out of his own box of societal rules and restrictions.
The Oppressor Is Me
“Paul really does see me as his oppressor,” I ponder with new clarity. “Perhaps he is projecting some adult figure from his own life onto me – perhaps someone who dominated him, or stood between him and his freedom to be his true self.”
“If I completely disengage from all attachments and projections,” I ponder with curiosity, “will that really free Paul to focus his energy on something more productive?”
Part of me is excited to find out, and part of me remains doubtful – but I clearly understand that my only job here is to heal my own issues, to BE unconditional love, and to allow Paul’s path to be his own path.
“Nothing changes until I do.” I remind myself.
A Frightening Concept
In the midst of my ongoing up and down battle with ego chatter, I exchange a couple of beautiful emails with my “inner license” friend Nancy. Along with calming meditations, her words help me begin to let go … to return to the love in my heart.
Shortly after 12:30 p.m., as I am deep in meditation about surrendering to my heart – about allowing myself to be defenseless and truly vulnerable (a frightening process) – a small earthquake suddenly shakes my apartment for perhaps ten seconds. I giggle with delight, because I now look forward to these small tremors. They metaphorically remind me that I need to release my attachment to the world as I know it … to allow things to be shaken up a little bit.
“The whole porch is my process, my earth-shattering stage play.” I repeatedly remind myself. “Right now, it is a powerful and scary stage play that reminds me of horrifying social nightmares from my past.”
But the concept of simply surrendering to such a nightmare story – to not fight back – to not try to protect myself … well … to ego that concept is frightening.
A Fantastic Inner Movie
“I see only the past.” I begin to ponder thoughts from some of my favorite A Course In Miracles lessons. “My thoughts do not mean anything. When I experience this nightmare story, this is a past experience that I am projecting onto the present. This experience and my thoughts about it are all a fearful fabrication of ego.”
“I am not in that nightmare past,” I ponder to myself, “I am in the present, and the future is just a projected fear. There is only now … I see only the past … there is only now … I see only the past … there is only now … I see only the past …”
I clearly recognize that the mind chatter and the nightmare story are all a fantastic inner movie, a fake news story created by ego, projected into my living space for my horrifying entertainment – extremist separation propaganda to take me out of the present moment.
“There is only now.” I continue pondering. “This reality is a holodeck … a projection of my mind. The holodeck – the movie screen – is simply showing me a reflection of the film inside of my projector. I’m trying to fix the movie screen from a perspective of being inside of the movie, and that does not work.”
“The projector is in another dimension,” powerful new ideas then suddenly flood my mind from out of nowhere. “The projector is outside of time, outside of the illusion. The left-brain/ rational-mind is part of the illusion … it cannot wake me up … it is part of the movie screen.”
A River Of Density
Wow! A beautiful feeling of peace and divine connection gradually consumes me as I continue to repeat these meditative thoughts – as I sink further into my heart space.
I radiate peaceful joy, as rational mind seems to stop fighting me. I lie down on my daybed and begin to feel a huge flow of energy moving in my body. My forehead is tingling as delightful energy swirls through me, passing down my arms and legs, out my hands and feet.
Eventually, while in a beautiful peaceful space, I open my heart and ponder repeatedly, “Paul, my loving heart energy is open to you, you can have it.” I am suddenly quite frightened when I feel as if a river of energy is being powerfully sucked out of me, like an energetic vacuum cleaner pulling my hands and feet downward, as if I am literally being pulled through some type of energy portal.
Immediately, I stop the flow, panicked and wondering if I did something wrong – if perhaps I had given away my own life force to someone else. It is only later that Keith shares his guidance, telling me that what was leaving me was a river of emotional density, being sucked out of my hands and feet on its way to Mother Earth.
A New Dimension Of Magic
When I finally leave my apartment at 2:45 p.m., I feel as if I am floating in divine clouds. I dance along very slowly, feeling blissful, as if everything around me is new, exciting, colorful, vibrant, and exceedingly beautiful. I make eye contact with everyone that crosses into my path, saying “hi” or “hola” to each divine soul that I encounter. I feel their “God-ness,” and gleam joy from my soul into theirs.
I feel as if I am in a new dimension of magic. Several times, I burst into joyful tears, for no reason other than that I want to. As I stroll by one house that is playing loud music, I begin to dance and giggle.
I am in no hurry to arrive at Keith’s porch. I take my time, sending beautiful magical energy to every animal, vegetable, and mineral that crosses my path.
On A Mountain Top
When I arrive at Keith’s home, he is going overtime with a previous session, and asks me to return in a half hour. Delighted, I walk out to the street, find a shady spot, and sit with a gorgeous view of Lake Atitlan and three towering volcanoes. Soon, Keith’s young worker, Isaias, notices me and walks over to talk.
“Wow, you have beautiful energy today.” Isaias congratulates me. “I can feel it so strongly.”
I respond with a huge hug, joyful tears, and several giggles.
“In Mayan,” Isaias begins to share, “we would say that the state you are in is like you have been climbing a tall mountain, and now you are finally on top … that you are on top of a mountain.”
For more than forty-five minutes, Isaias and I share this beautiful energy glow together. Many times, he comments on my beautiful energy. Many times, I allow joyful tears to trickle out of the corners of my eyes.
The Highest Good
Finally, at 3:50 p.m., I return to Keith’s porch. His session is still continuing, but he invites me to join in. I am glowing, and both Keith and my friend (the woman in the private session) can feel my radiant energy.
Finally, at 5:00 p.m., the other woman goes home, and I have a short forty-five minutes check-in conversation with Keith. I am in no need of his assistance to help me – I continue to spread my wings and fly in the energetic skies above.
Keith deeply congratulates me for my powerful loving state – something that is quite the opposite of how I was this morning. We simply chat about ongoing situations on the porch, discussing my perceptions and process from an observer viewpoint.
“How do you know when to intervene with someone’s behavior – like you finally did last night with Paul?” I ask with deep curiosity, even though I already know the answer.
“It is on a case by case basis.” Keith gives me his standard answer. “There are no rules. I always check my guidance to find out what serves the highest good.”
Sticky Velcro
“I have let go of my half of the Velcro.” Keith uses a metaphor to further answer.
He explains that he has done his own inner work so that he is very rarely triggered by other people’s behaviors – by their side of the Velcro. Since Keith does not have his own half of the emotional Velcro anymore, things no longer stick to him, not triggering anger or other emotions.
Keith finishes by explaining that when he observes something that unacceptably interferes with the process of another, and if his guidance tells him to do so, he will then intervene (as he did last night) – but he does so from a state of non-ego and non-attachment, rather than one of being emotionally triggered.
Go With The Flow
As I return home, I opt to go out for pizza rather than cooking – and then spend the remainder of the evening in total bliss. Normally I stay inside when I meditate at night, but tonight I go out on my patio, inhaling the magical night air, drinking in every sound that echoes around me. I wish this energy could last forever.
After a very restful sleep, I suddenly awaken at 1:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. I am coughing with fluid in my lungs again – but I continue to be in my blissful state. Rather than feeling frustrated or tired, I simply get up, browse the internet, do some meditating, and return to bed an hour later.
“Wow, that is huge,” I congratulate myself later. “Rather than get upset at waking up and coughing, I simply flowed with ‘what is’ and returned to peaceful sleep when I was ready.”
Time For A Swim
“I don’t want to write today.” I decide to mix things up as I meditate around 8:00 a.m.. “I want to indulge this joy a little more. I think I’ll walk down and meditate by the lake for the first time in ages – at least in more than eight months.”
“Go swimming.” A little Jedi voice suddenly whispers.
“No,” I don’t want to.” I try to resist.
The last time I swam in Lake Atitlan was in May of 2010 – shortly before Tropical Storm Agatha. After that massive storm, the lake had been filthy with debris. Now that the lake is clean and clear, I have simply never had the desire to get cold, or to get my hair wet.
Finally, after a quick breakfast, I surrender to guidance, put on a swimsuit and a little beach dress, and walk down to the lake to a small gazebo-like covered space with three benches, situated now just a few feet above lake level. The last time I was here (last spring) the water was at least ten or fifteen feet below this structure.
Swimming In Silence
As I wade down into the water, standing barefoot on several large boulders, I begin to shiver.
“Brrr,” I think to myself, “I don’t think I want to go in after all. It is too cold.”
Finally, I splash water all over myself, and eventually push out, getting my entire face and hair in the water. I swim for what must be at least twenty or thirty minutes, thoroughly enjoying myself, floating and swishing in the cool waters, enjoying the silence, basking in the views, and treasuring my present life circumstances.
When I eventually return to shore, I am quite tired as I sit cross-legged on a bench. But as I attempt to sink into blissful meditation – that bliss is fleeting and distracted.
Soon, a young couple stops at my little private hideaway. The young man strips down to his swimsuit and swims noisily out into the water, while the young woman sits on a bench just five feet away.
“How dare they invade my personal space,” I begin to pout and sulk as I sink into an old pattern of being quite protective of my private meditation environment.
A Novel Idea
I spend perhaps ten or fifteen minutes, silently staring at the ground while mental chatter begins to consume me – renewed chatter about Paul – new chatter about people who invade my personal space.
“I’m in ego.” I suddenly exclaim silently. “There is an emotional charge in my heart and I’m stuck in crazy making stories. It is so obvious.”
“This is my stage play … I see only the past … this is a holodeck and I am the leading actress … everyone in my holodeck is playing a role for me to show me something about my triggers – my buttons.”
I center myself deeply, but still no bliss. I ask the higher energies to help me release the density, but it hangs on. No matter how much I ignore this couple’s presence, no matter how much I try to focus on my meditation, nothing works.
“I can choose to continue ignoring this couple while building up resentment about them,” I suddenly ponder with surprise, “or I can open my eyes, release my defensiveness, glow with love, and actually talk to them … what a novel idea.”
Return To Bliss
“Aren’t you going swimming too?” I ask the young woman with a loving giggle in my voice.
“No,” she responds with a loving tone.
Soon, I discover they are from Costa Rica, just visiting for the day, and planning to climb the San Pedro volcano tomorrow. We have a delightful conversation for perhaps ten minutes. We are glowing in shared love. I cannot speak for the young woman, but bliss has once again consumed me.
It feels so wonderful to drop my defensive, protective stance and to open to the love that just drifted into my life.
As I walk home ten minutes later, I feel guided to stop in and visit a friend that I have not seen in a very long time – a woman that runs a small restaurant that is way off my normal beaten path.
“You’re glowing.” My friend tells me.
By the time I finally get home, I have smiled at and greeted everyone in my path, continuing to glow in this bliss.
I’m Getting It
For the remainder of the day, I simply glow – whether I am showering, eating, meditating, or even taking my first-ever hike to the heights of “Barrio Uno,” way up on the hillside above Keith’s house – it does not matter, I simply glow.
I am learning that even my tiny little “social defensiveness” – a simple hesitance to reach out – can prevent me from connecting with the loving glow of the present moment. Anything that enters my space is either my creation, or I am allowing it. Anything that gives me any type of emotional charge is “my” trigger – my beautiful opportunity to drop my defensive stance and to instead, radiate love.
“Wow, I am starting to get it.” I ponder later Tuesday night as I rest on my pillow.
As I drift off to sleep, I have no illusions about having arrived. I am fully aware that with every emotional state, whether it be high or low, that “this too shall pass.”
Synchronous Reading
As I mentioned earlier, Keith highly recommends a book titled “Oneness” – a beautiful spiritual energy-packed book of wisdom channeled by a woman named “Rasha”.
Keith often says that the only thing missing in the book (a beautiful guide to help one maneuver through the energy shifts happening on the planet), is that the book does not go into the process of how to release emotional densities using the assistance of higher energies.
As fate would have it, I stopped reading this book nearly two months ago, finding the current chapter quite difficult to grasp. My mind simply said “Stop, put it down, come back later when your mind is clearer.”
Just two days ago, On Sunday, February 12 – the morning after publishing “My Worst Nightmare, Part 1” I felt suddenly guided to resume reading. I pick up reading at my bookmark – page 71 – the first page of chapter eight. I am blown away by the synchronous nature of what I read.
Do Not Be Alarmed
The first thing I circle is one of the chapter subtitles: “Anticipating extremes of experience as life-themes are brought to closure.”
From the very beginning of chapter eight, the words speak to me with profound resonance:
“When a soul emerges into conscious awareness, the layers of experience, which have been carried forth through eons of incarnate reality, begin to dissipate the energetic charge that would have magnetized repeated examples of major life themes, were completion not imminent.”
Wow, this describes my past weekend – a nightmare of major life themes being magnetized back into my energetic experience. I eagerly read on …
“As one approaches the fullness of the scope inherent in a given theme, the charge carried forth builds to a crescendo, providing particularly poignant episodes that epitomize the lesson in question, lest there be any doubt whatsoever regarding the underlying issues.”
I giggle as I read this, knowing that I no longer have any doubt whatsoever that my charge-filled crescendo gave me very poignant episodes of painful nightmarish issues from my past.
“Do not be alarmed, as you become aware and the issues become obvious to you, when you find yourself immersed in extremes of discordant situations. It is you who called forth these dramas. Not consciously, of course, for you in your own eyes would probably be above such encounters entirely. But at a vibrational level, the powerful energetic charge still present within your energy field is capable of manifesting opportunities to explore those themes, despite the fact that you may have attained clarity and full understanding of the dynamics involved.”
I giggle at how alarmed I have been. I have been fully immersed in extreme discordant situations – and I did indeed, at a vibrational level, call forth those dramas. WOW!
My Own Worst Nightmares
I could literally quote the entire first two pages of this chapter. This next piece is from page 72.
“Do not feel, as these powerful episodes present themselves, that the experience is evidence of spiritual backsliding on your part. Quite the contrary. By virtue of the fact that you have manifested extremes of experience, despite being in a space of heart-centered clarity with the issue in question, you can feel confident that you are at completion with it.”
Wow, I sure hope so.
“You will wish to respond in ways that will not re-escalate the energy charge that is being released in the process of drawing certain chapters to a close. Real awareness of the arduous process through which you have journeyed will allow you to respond with detachment and maximize your potential for bringing recurring dramas to closure.”
I wish I had understood this five weeks ago. It seems that I have indeed re-escalated things a few times, recreating additional drama. More of that will follow in subsequent blogs.
“With the advent of the acceleration of your ability to manifest your day-to-day experience, there is no longer the luxury of deluding yourself into believing that circumstances ‘just happen’ randomly. There are no longer excuses for ignoring coincidences that victim-consciousness provide. It becomes obvious, when the backlash is virtually instantaneous, that you have participated in a major way in the very creation of your own worst nightmares.”
Wow, I love this book. I love how I was guided to read these words right after publishing my first installment of this series about “My Worst nightmare.”
A Different Kind Of Adventure
I could literally go on quoting for many more pages … this section of “Oneness” is so rich with wisdom in this area.
I want to finish by quoting the final paragraph from page 72:
“From the perspective of the overview, one can enjoy the humor in the absurdity of some of it. And one can marvel at the antics and at one’s own blindness to what now seems obvious and avoidable. When those types of circumstances can no longer ‘push your buttons,’ your own sidestepping of the energetic hooks helps to create conditions where the opportunities to do so cease to manifest. These times of completion are about setting the stage for new kinds of experience. When the energetic remnants of those dramas have been swept away, you will be ready and able to create a very different kind of adventure.”
As I read about humor, absurdity, and antics, I cannot help but giggle at what I was observing as I imagined a little green frog, frantically throwing a tantrum, trying to push my buttons on that Sunday afternoon, just five weeks ago. I did sidestep many energetic hooks; I healed many buttons. I can only hope that I really am maximizing my potential to bring such recurring dramas to closure. I am not sure how many more such nightmares I can handle.
Pretty Please
As I look back on these six days of nightmarish manifestations, beginning at the end of the first week in January, I find great comfort in the channeled words of Rasha that I quoted above.
I was so confused and puzzled by why so many crazy patterns suddenly surfaced out of nowhere – patterns of extreme discordant situations that I believed to have been healed – experiences that made me feel as if I were deeply backsliding – experiences that took me back into the forgotten nightmares of a very long time ago.
Please, please, and pretty please, Universe … Can I be done now?
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved