… this blog is the forth and final installment of an intense healing saga. If you have not done so, I recommend first reading the previous three blogs titled “A Crash Course”, “Confusing Confusion,” and “Hot Sauce Horror” …
Short End Of The Stick
I sit sobbing on Keith’s porch, at the beginning of an impromptu, unscheduled appointment. I can barely explain my crazy frustrations regarding what happened this morning – how after two hours of failed attempts to make a Skype call to a friend, that I had unexpectedly sunk into inexplicable anger at God – at feeling betrayed and abandoned, time and time again throughout my life.
“Close your eyes.” Keith cuts of my explanation. “Find an inner stairway and start climbing. You will come to some type of rooftop balcony. When you get there, find a relaxing chair, sit down, and have a conversation with God.”
Continuing to pass through waves of intense emotion, I imagine this very real conversation in my inner reality. It is one of explicit and profound angry words. I silently swear in agony concerning all the times I have done the “right thing” with such pure and genuine intentions – only to once again get the short end of the stick, feeling abandoned and discarded, dejectedly picking up the pieces one more time.
Truth With A Capital “T”
As usual, the unattached observer in me knows the Truth with a capital “T” – I know that the angry emotions I am feeling and expressing are merely the lowercase truth – that they are subconscious feelings that have unknowingly influenced me from behind the scenes throughout much of my life.
But I also know that the only way, at least for me, to release these lowercase truths is to bring them into full exposure to the light – to feel them to the core, to allow them to pass through and out of me, thus freeing up space for the real “Truth” to blossom.
As I observe this profound volcanic eruption of emotion, the intense heat of the released lava is agonizingly painful.
No Logical Sense
As this initial flow of angry emotion settles, I take the time to share my entire saga of the past few days, telling Keith of my journeys with the Hot Sauce Mom, of my roller-coaster meditations with three-year-old angels, and of every aspect of this intense emotional hurricane.
“Grab the hands of that three-year-old and connect with her.” Keith quickly guides me deeper into meditation.
As I connect with this metaphorical angelic child, I am surprised by the additional angry emotions that surface – not just at God, but also at this beautiful and innocent little angel.
This angry rage is intense – and it makes no logical sense whatsoever.
Struggle To Believe
“I know I am just projecting onto my mother, and onto God,” I share with Keith. “But the anger goes further. I am really angry at all unhealed healers – people who profess to know God, yet refuse to do their own inner work – magical-but-unhealed people who unknowingly use their energy to confuse, invalidate, marginalize, deceive, and injure others.”
Just the mere expression of these words causes my anger and tears to hit a completely new level of intensity as sobs again burst forth.
“Now,” Keith interrupts, “bring in that three-year-old to help you release this emotion.”
“My head is in the way.” I express to Keith in frustration. “As I imagine the assistance, I am still so blocked that I cannot feel it. This only increases my doubts, telling me that this process is not real, that I am making it all up.”
Embracing Imagination
“Just fake it till you make it.” Keith again reminds me of what I now believe to be a divine truth.
The concept still sounds so silly in a logical world – but when I pause and simply embrace the profound truth of my own amazing past experience, I absolutely know that it is only when I drop resistance and embrace an intuitive belief, that the real Truth begins to reveal itself in profound and undeniable ways.
“Just imagine that you can feel the energy, and that it is leaving.” Keith encourages me, while simultaneously assuring me that he himself does feel the energy flow.
“I feel a lot more peaceful.” I express to Keith with relief. “Yet I still cannot actually feel the energy itself.”
Peaceful Pause
Suddenly, I burst into another intense round of sobs.
“It’s just another layer.” Keith lovingly reassures me. “Let it flow.”
In full trust, I allow the emotions to consume me completely – to the point of agonizing, gut-wrenching release. Many times, I have to remind myself to breathe.
Hanging on to my real function as observer, I imagine my little metaphorical angel helping me even more. Soon, I hit a short pause in the emotional storm.
Return To Confusion
“I don’t know if this break is a pause in the emotion,” I express to Keith with confusion, “or if perhaps the energies really are helping me. Right now, I am so angry and confused that I can’t feel anything else. It seems as if I am just giving up and returning to childhood doubt.”
“Good!” Keith surprises me by his response. “This is what happened to you as a child. Feel it!”
Another layer of tears unexpectedly bursts out. Then, a few minutes later – after imagining my little angel helping me – the emotions again dry up, leaving me with several minutes of blank numbness.
“Another layer,” Keith suddenly predicts the future.
I had not even felt it coming, but as Keith’s words land on my ears, another intense round of sobs totally consumes me.
Divine Waiting Room
“Grab the hands of your three-year-old again.” Keith eventually redirects. “Ask her to take you somewhere, or to tell you something.”
“I feel like she is just telling me to love and congratulate myself for where I am at and for what I am doing.” I share with Keith after a few minutes of meditating.
“Where is she taking you?” Keith again asks. “Is that what she is telling you?”
Soon, a new image floods my metaphorical world. I am extremely peaceful and calm, holding hands with this little three-year-old angel, sitting on comfortable chairs in a relaxing waiting room.
Divine Flow
As I sit meditating in this beautiful energy, I get the message.
“Just trust your process.” I feel this smiling little angel whisper softly. “Be calm and peaceful. Sit back, enjoy yourself, and wait for guidance. There is nothing more for you to do right now. All is well. You know you are following a divine flow. Just trust that flow.”
As I reflect on the steps of my amazing journey, I clearly recognize that every synchronous event has happened with perfect timing – every single one. In times that I panicked or pushed, I only created fear and frustration. When I sat back and just glowed in the flow, I created love and trust.
Either way, the synchronous guidance always came along at precisely the right moment.
Trust, Patience, And Compassion
“This was all a setup to teach you this lesson in a more profound way.” Keith adds his own guidance. “It is a lesson reminding you to trust and allow – not only in your own process, but in the processes of others.”
It is so clear that I can either push a process, forcing to the point of confusion and panic – or I can simply trust and joyfully pass the time in this divine waiting room – a divine playground. I can trust that whatever I need will show up exactly on time.
As Keith and I discuss my own looping through a projected God/separation drama, it all begins to make so much sense. This waiting room is a great place where I can jump out of this loop to re-center myself. I have spent a great deal of my life, feeling ignored or victimized in this subconscious loop. Now that I am becoming aware of the pattern, I can skip out of the loop, returning to the waiting room as soon as I am aware of what I am doing.
“Brenda,” Keith confidently shares, “this is all a part of your process. You have to learn trust, patience, and compassion for others that will be helped by you. You had to go through this so you can understand their struggles, so you can be calm and peaceful through it all, even while they are in deep pain.
A Better Teacher
As I ponder in silence, new and profound understanding is beginning to take hold in my heart. For a very long time, I have intellectually understood what happened to me as a child – what happened to shut me down and suppress the creative, intuitive, and energetically connected side of me.
But now, for the first time in my life, as a result of the intense and agonizing journey through which I have passed this week, I understand at a completely different level. This new knowing is no longer in my head. It is a profound and inexplicable knowing that resonates from deep within my heart. It is a knowing that could not have been achieved in any other way.
“Feeling to the core” is a much better teacher than sitting in a classroom or reading a book.
A Tightrope
As I continue feeling the beautiful peaceful energy in this metaphorical waiting room, I keep imagining a beautiful three-year-old angel giggling and holding my hand. I could sit here all day – but as midday approaches, it is time to think about moving on.
As I stand up to leave, however, dizziness consumes me, forcing me to fall back into my chair. I am so lightheaded that I need a momentary breather.
I feel as if I am walking a tightrope. One side of the tightrope represents the intense emotional hurricane of this past week – an overwhelming and confusing storm that has often made me wonder if I am going psycho, creating a feeling of being emotionally bipolar and unstable. This side of the rope is frightening.
On the other side is a strong desire to be normal – to abandon my journey of self-discovery – to return to a familiar life of conformity and fitting in – to go get a normal job, fall back to sleep, and live a life that once seemed so real and fulfilling. That side of the rope is even more frightening.
At times, walking such a thin tightrope does indeed leave me dizzy – but I also know that where I am is perfect. I have all the higher energy support I need to keep me surefooted and moving forward on this beautiful path taking me toward higher vibrations.
Trust Is The Key
After about fifteen minutes of resting and regaining my balance, I give Keith a huge hug of gratitude and begin my journey home.
Peace fills my heart as I contemplate the power of this new metaphor of a “divine waiting room.” I am at a point where I know that I can no longer walk this thin tightrope all by myself, using only logic and reason – and I know that learning to further trust and utilize the higher energies is my key.
I trust that when I raise my vibrations, I will have the courage to go wherever the light leads me, following an amazing flow. The flow may take me into deeper emotional release, or it may guide me to sit in a meditative pillar of light. Both are perfect and neither is wrong – and in fact, both can occur simultaneously. I need only to trust and to follow my own higher energies – the flow of my own being – the flow of my own soul.
And when the guidance seems to pause, rather than pushing and struggling in disconnected panic, I can simply rest, relax and giggle, hanging out in my waiting room, trusting that the flow will resume with perfect synchronicity and timing.
Floating In The Clouds
I am emotionally exhausted when I arrive back at my apartment, but have no time to crash or rest as I spend the afternoon going to lunch with a brand new friend from London. It is only later that I have time to take notes, to do a little integrating of a beautiful day, and to then watch the first movie of the Harry Potter series – losing myself in the world of innocent magic.
To my initial shock, Sunday morning begins with a partial repeat of Saturday – with an internal battle of internet frustration. I do my best to bring in light and to sit in a waiting room, but it is only when I sit holding energetic hands with a real-life angel, that peace finally fills and overflows from my heart.
In the midst of a beautiful Skype call with a dear friend in Arizona – a conversation in which each of us first hits tears – we both suddenly light up with radiant unconditional love. During the final thirty minutes of that amazing long-distance connection, we both feel as if we are about to float away in the clouds.
I love how the Universe works.
Curiosity And Nervous Anticipation
As I sit once again on Keith’s magical porch, I find it difficult to believe that it is already December 4, 2011. I have now been working with my favorite Chocolate Shaman, nearly full time, for an entire year. How time has zoomed by!
Twenty-two of us initially crowd onto Keith’s small porch, one of whom is a woman from Canada who recognized me on the street after having read part of my blog prior to her trip to San Marcos. Also among those present for this Sunday chocolate ceremony are every one of the people onto whom I have silently projected in recent weeks – every one of the beautiful people that have triggered me as being unhealed healers or fixers, etc…
Right now, I feel nothing but emotional peace and pure unconditional love for every person on the porch – but given the intense nature of this past week’s emotional hurricane, I remain deeply curious and nervous to see where the flow of today’s journey might lead.
Deeply Relating
As the glow meditation gets underway, I experience a strong feeling of nausea in my abdomen – as if I literally want to vomit physically. As I further meditate, I focus on surrendering to the physical feelings and churning energies with no conscious resistance – yet the nausea persists. I simply observe and allow.
As Keith begins his individual rounds, he first works with several other people across the porch. Everything he does with those people affects and triggers me deeply. I profoundly relate their processes to how I myself feel as an empath who remains so shutdown that I often struggle to understand and embrace just what it is I do – just now learning to consciously allow higher energies to participate in my healing process.
As two separate women reach deep emotional release, I simultaneously tear up and feel their pain right along with them. When their tears slow down, so do mine.
Suddenly, Keith turns back to work with me.
Doing It Myself
“Am I feeling their emotions or my own?” I ask Keith with confusion and curiosity, still not logically understanding what I am doing. “My heart is strong and radiating, yet I feel and relate to their pain deeply.”
Keith assures me that I am feeling their pain, but that I am also finding the same pain inside of me, further processing it myself.
“Release that pain to the higher energies.” Keith again encourages me. “You don’t need to process this inside of yourself anymore.”
I realize that I will likely engage in lifetimes of agonizing emotional work if I continue to attempt to process the emotions of others (especially in groups) in this way. Again, I focus on a ball of light in front of me, while imagining these emotions moving out to the angels for transmutation.
Nausea Nothingness
After Keith guides me to sit in meditation with the nausea in my abdomen – to get to know it better – he moves on to work with a young man seated next to me. I pay close attention, having learned that the work of others always relates in some way to my own.
What this man shares with Keith is beautiful – how he is getting out of his mind – simply allowing without thinking – letting go of insecurities regarding a need to know “how” – observing himself – observing, observing, observing – not trying, not pushing – just observing.
Everything this young man says is beautiful, deeply resonating as if it were my own guides whispering these words as advice for me. After Keith moves on, I simply meditate next to this young man, feeling his high vibrational energy, allowing myself to be raised-up in his energetic wake.
I am no longer trying to do anything other than observing and breathing love into myself. As my crown begins to tingle, I also feel powerful expansion peacefully vibrating in my heart. The nausea quickly dissolves into nothingness.
Powerful Validation
As my heart reaches full power, I gradually imagine my love expanding to connect with every single person on the porch – especially with the ones onto whom I had confusingly projected so much unexpressed judgment during the last ceremony. I leave no one out. I am radiating joy and giggling with delight as I experience the sensation of pure love spreading from my heart, filling the entire porch.
Perhaps ten minutes later, Keith suddenly stops what he is doing across the porch, briefly turns to face me, and begins to speak.
“Wow, Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “you are being really powerful today.”
I love such outside validation. I know what I feel is real, unconditionally loving, and genuine. But it is so wonderful to receive feedback that someone else, in addition to me, can actually feel what I am doing. I eagerly anticipate the day when my sensitivities will develop to the point that I will be able to provide similar feedback to others.
Familiar Methods
After an empath training in which I feel more connected than ever before, I begin to participate in a process in which we assist a woman in the middle of the porch. In the midst of a short head-struggle with self-doubt about how to “connect with her,” I suddenly take a step back.
“My heart knows exactly what to do!” Jedi voices silently shout out with deep power.
I have never understood the “what or how” … but I do know that my heart is independently powerful – it does not now need, nor has it ever needed, instructions from my head.
“Of course,” I exclaim with delight. “The way I connect as an empath is the same thing I do with any of my dear friends. I radiate heart-love to them, I listen to intuitions, and if I feel guided to say anything verbally, I do so. I have been doing this beautifully for years.”
Slow Down
“Keith,” I eventually interrupt. “I need your help. As I connect more powerfully than ever before, I feel this horizontal line of pain across my heart chakra. Is this fear about what I am doing?”
Keith agrees that what I am feeling as a physical metaphor is indeed fear. Rather than fighting this fear, I have simply been observing it, deeply curious as to why I would be afraid while at the same time feeling so much loving power.
“Brenda,” Keith soon responds. “I’m getting that you are trying to push your heart opening process a little too hard.”
I agree that some inner part of me is still afraid of opening up this heart-love any further right now – telling me that it is time to slow down and pace myself.
Past Terrors, New Confidence
As one point, while I continue meditating in powerful loving vibrations, Keith points out to someone how their energy is being dramatic and slightly disruptive. To my surprise, when this person asks the group for feedback, I speak up – finding my voice and lovingly speaking my truth, generously offering my own feedback.
I used to be terrified of providing such feedback to anyone, especially if there was any chance that my words might be controversial, twisted, or rejected. Such childhood fears seem to be literally dissolving, returning to the nothingness from whence they came.
I just giggle at how my self-confidence seems to be expanding – as is my ability to speak honestly from my heart.
No Feedback Required
After a beautiful ceremony comes to loving conclusion, I sit on my cushion for more than an hour. First, I experience an amazing connecting conversation with the person to whom I had offered feedback. This person actually thanks me for how my loving words had helped him to understand what he was doing. Then, one by one, as people filter out, I lovingly hug and briefly chat with nearly every person that I had previously judged after that crazy “I am such a looser for being so judgmental” ceremony on Wednesday.
On that difficult day, just four days ago, I had felt like a failure – a fraud that would never make it as a healer. Today I know the opposite to be true. I overflow with unconditional love for all. I know that my heart has powerfully assisted in the work of others – not only on an individual level, but also with the whole group. I simply sat back as the observer, giggling and vibrating – watching my heart do what it somehow already knows how to do.
Normally I crave feedback. Today, my heart requires no feedback at all.
Loving The Ending
This has been an agonizing-but-amazing journey – one that is now a top candidate among the most emotionally excruciating experiences of my life. The frightening roller-coaster ride began ten days ago when I received the first-ever hate comment on my blog – an event that made me giggle – an event for which I will be forever grateful.
Then I was unexpectedly treated to a “Crash Course” in being an empath – blindsided with experiences revealing a lifetime of unknowingly inhaling the emotional pain of others – taking me to the point of saying “If this is how it feels to be an empath, then I don’t want it” – taking me back to frightful depths of childhood pain, fear, and chaotic confusion.
As the whiplash-inducing journey continued, my “Confusing Confusion” only got stronger as I dug ever deeper into the bottomless reservoirs of repressed childhood anger, sadness, rebellion, and hopeless surrender. The emotional craziness was increasingly overwhelming, but I trusted the process and went ever deeper.
Next, I was shell-shocked by “Hot Sauce Horror” while exploring the psychological trauma of childhood discipline – a journey of diving to the agonizing depths of feeling my magical lights being snuffed out – of experiencing the creative, intuitive, right-brained magic of my soul being systematically suppressed until it all but vanished, being replaced by logical people pleasing.
It has been an unpredictable emotional hurricane taking me all over the spectrum – deep agonizing pain, vibrational highs, emotional trauma, and profound spiritual insights. To top it off, I have repeatedly explored intense repressed anger at God and higher energies while delving ever deeper into the intricacies of a God/separation drama.
Through it all, I have somehow managed to dig in my fingernails, barely hanging on as a detached observer while simultaneously agonizing in the actual pain as I surrendered to the emotions, letting them consume me, fully immersing myself in a journey of “know myself.” I could never have understood as deeply as I do now, had I not allowed myself to sink to those frightening depths.
I would not wish such a wild roller coaster ride onto anyone – yet I must admit with sheer delight – that I do indeed I do love the ending.
My journey is far from over, but I giggle with delight while enjoying a temporary breather – one that provides me with powerful time to write and integrate. I only pray that this “temporary breather” is not just the eye of another hurricane.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved