One of my favorite spiritual teachers often encourages people to use movies as a mechanism to explore their own judgments and ego reactions. A movie is a safe place, one that I know is illusion – yet I have rarely been to a movie that did not trigger a “real-life” emotional reaction of some sort. I love the fact that I can get lost in an entertaining story while continuing to process feelings and emotions that come up – all at the same time.
It is Thursday, November 17, the day after a beautiful chocolate ceremony in which I deeply explored my inability to play. Being mostly caught up on my writing, I am blessed with ample free time, and decide to allow myself a little more playful time to relax – time that I begin to fill up with nearly nonstop videos.
Exploring Ego
After a day of documentaries, mixed with occasional meditation, I search my computer hard drive and stumble onto a collection of David Icke videos. For those who do not know him, David Icke is a well-known conspiracy theorist and speaker. I watched a few hours of his stuff about a year ago. At that time, I was not the least bit interested in the “lizard-people” theories, but loved a portion of his speech that pulled everything back into a beautiful spiritual perspective and conclusion.
“This will be interesting.” I ponder with curiosity. “I recently discovered that exploring ‘external conspiracy’ videos gives me a fascinating opportunity to dig deeply into ego and ‘inner conspiracies’. I think I will begin watching these and see what happens.”
Lost In Fear
To my shock and surprise, after watching the first video, I find myself quite emotionally rattled, overflowing with fearful and anxious feelings. Ego “survival fears” have been triggered quite profoundly – causing me to temporarily lose trust in my higher guidance – causing me to mildly panic and ponder whether I need to do something to protect myself, both financially and physically, from a world that suddenly feels threatening and dangerous.
As I drift of to sleep on Thursday evening, I find it a full-time job to repeatedly reassure myself that all is well, that I need simply remain present and follow my guidance.
“If there is something I need to do,” I repeat over and over in my mind, “the guidance will come. I have nothing to worry about. I will be fine.”
Secret Ego Leadership
Friday morning, after a beautiful meditation that helps me to reconnect with Source – to re-center and rebalance myself – I eagerly jump headfirst into another nine hours of David Icke videos.
This time, rather than succumbing to fearful panic, I remain deeply connected to the truth of who I am. While I find most of David’s words to be quite enlightening and eye opening, many of his interpretations do not fully resonate with my heart. Nevertheless, I am quite convinced that there are indeed extremely rich and powerful men in this physical world who hide in the shadows while stealthily seeking to acquire more wealth and control over the general populace.
What delights me throughout this long day of ego exploration is a surge of intuitive confidence that gradually builds inside. I am not concerned at all with which theories are true and which are false in the external reality. That is not my purpose. Instead, I am interested in triggering additional insight into my own inner conspiracies – the secret leadership of an ego that hides inside of my own mind, controlling me, masquerading as me, keeping me asleep and separate from the divine being that I truly am.
With each discussion of how “this external force is secretly conspiring to control me” I glean profound new insights into how the internal forces of ego are deceiving and manipulative, stopping at nothing to secretly keep me separate, controlled, small, and powerless.
A Divine Flow
As I finish my last two conspiracy videos on Saturday morning, I am delighted by the continuous burst of insights that flood my inner awareness surrounding additional ways in which ego deceives me.
At least for now, I no longer fear anything taking place in the “external” world. I am filled with a vibrational resonance reminding me that it is the “internal” world that I must heal. I am overwhelmed with a peaceful feeling reassuring me that I am deeply embedded in a divine flow – a flow of synchronous events that will continue to gradually guide me through the awakening process – a flow in which there is no need to force anything – a flow in which I can simply row, row, row my boat, gently down the stream.
Tired of focusing intensely on ego, I fill the remainder of my day simply watching entertaining Hollywood movies. It seems that no matter what I watch, the spiritual insights continue to flow. I am simply surfing a wave of peace and light.
Ready To Play
Late Saturday evening, as I meditate before bed, I fill with so much delightful energy that I find it difficult to drift off to sleep afterward – a strange dilemma that I continue to balance. Again, Sunday morning, before participating in another chocolate ceremony, I engage in a powerful heart meditation, one that leaves me filled with a vibrating peaceful resonance.
As I arrive twenty minutes early, I am quite surprised to find Keith’s magical porch already quite full. There are fourteen of us in total. For me, this Sunday, November 20, ceremony turns into an opportunity to fill my heart with magical energy, to take another breather from tears, and to play in a magical playground.
Heart Power
Through a great deal of the ceremony, I simply hold a powerful vibrational space for a dear friend who is going through her own deep process.
“Wow, you have a powerful heart.” My friend mentions as she feels me energetically connecting to her.
I crave such feedback, because even though I feel the power in my heart, rational mind continues to downplay and doubt that anyone else can actually feel that same energy.
At one point in the ceremony, I begin to feel a little horizontal tightness in my chest. When I query Keith to ask for feedback, his answer resonates profoundly.
“You are attempting to push your heart a little harder than it is ready for.” Keith guides me, encouraging me just to allow my heart to progress at its own rate.
I still have no logical-mind understanding of what I am doing, but I absolutely know that my heart is sending out energy to others. That is something I could never deny.
A Twinge Of Guilt
As the ceremony reaches conclusion, I continue to overflow with an energetic glow. Only one event in the entire ceremony even slightly triggered me – an event in which I provided loving feedback (when he asked for it) to a gentleman who had unknowingly engaged in a few “fixing” opportunities. I love that I am gaining confidence to speak my truth, but slightly surprised that I felt a tiny bit of guilt for having done so.
Peace reigns supreme as I drift off to sleep on such a beautiful and energizing day.
A Flood Of Anxiety
Monday, as I eagerly engage in an opportunity to write, I find myself struggling to complete my passionate task. Certain paragraphs confound me, emotions of doubt start to flow in my veins, and a feeling of “I’m forcing it” accompanies my final editing that does not end until after 10:00 p.m..
After over twelve hours of deep and dedicated writing, I finally hit the publish button on “Rule Robot.” To my surprise, I find myself swimming in a flood of mild fear and anxiety. The strange thing is that I have absolutely no idea where the emotions are coming from. Logical mind tells me that I am just doubting my writing, yet something much deeper whispers that the emotion has absolutely nothing to do with the writing.
With a little meditation, the anxiety dissipates and I drift peacefully off to sleep.
Close Your Eyes
A series of words inexplicably flow through my mind as I awaken bright and early on Tuesday morning. The words comprise the chorus of a song that first entered my life in October 2009. It was a time when I fearfully contemplated the daunting idea of purchasing a backpack and heading out, on my own, into the Yucatan peninsula – doing so with no guidebooks, maps, or plans. (Full details and lyrics can be found in my October 18, 2009, post appropriately titled: Close Your Eyes.)
These words have not passed through my mind in a very long time.
“Close your eyes … this part is scary … take my hand … it won’t last long … you will love the ending I promise … when this part of the story is gone.”
“Wow,” I ponder with profound curiosity. “I am feeling happy and peaceful right now. I wonder what these words are all about … I wonder what the Universe is trying to prepare me for … I wonder what is coming my way.”
Surge Of Emotion
By 5:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, I am out on my patio, beginning to meditate in the cool morning air as a faint glow of sunlight barely highlights the horizon.
To my surprise, I feel deeply disconnected, experiencing a confusing surge of emotion. Just yesterday, I published a blog joyfully proclaiming at the end that I now feel ready to begin using higher energies rather than crying out my emotions … and suddenly I experience a profound need to cry – for absolutely no reason at all.
As I meditatively begin to explore the unexpected emotions, I experience flashbacks of deep childhood anxiety and fear about being forced to submit my will to the authority of adults. My surrender was so complete that I developed an overwhelming sense of insecurity, unable to trust myself, needing approval and validation for anything creative – for anything not explicitly spelled out in the rulebooks of life.
I could follow rules, but I was terrified to think for myself.
Wave After Wave
I repeatedly sink into short loops of intense emotion. With each surge, I briefly sob as tears flow like rivers and my jaw chatters violently. When the emotion reaches a peak, I choke up, cough uncontrollably a few times, and then suddenly, all is silent and numb.
The coughing clearly tells me that not only is there unknown buried emotion, but that it is profoundly tied to the throat chakra – to the inability to speak my truth.
For the next ninety minutes, I repeat wave after wave of this looping emotional release. First, I meditate into additional childhood emotion – emotion that is vague in origin and nature, but quite real and intense in terms of energy. In the middle of meditative searching, another flash flood of release suddenly surges out of nowhere, followed by another brief period of numbness and of catching my breath.
Repeatedly I feel the comfort of those courage-inducing words: “Close your eyes … this part is scary … take my hand … it won’t last long … you will love the ending I promise … when this part of the story is gone.”
My Mother’s Father
Finally, after an hour and a half of mostly sobbing, I return to my living room, turn on my computer, and begin to take notes about the intense emotional journey through which I just passed. As I type the date, a new flood of insight hits me with unexpected surprise.
“Is today that day?” I ask myself with shock. “Is this emotion somehow related?”
I have not thought of my grandfather’s death in a very long time. I was only four years old when it happened, and the memories are quite vague. It was November 22, 1959 when he unexpectedly had a heart attack and died. The reason the date is so firmly entrenched in my mind is that exactly four years later, when I was eight years old, John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated.
I am quite puzzled why these memories would go through my mind. I am not aware of any strong emotional attachment to either event, and rarely think about them – especially that of the death of my mother’s father.
Bizarre And Synchronous
“Am I feeling my grandmother’s pain?” I briefly contemplate.
Suddenly another wave of emotion consumes me as I gently put my computer down on the daybed. The sobbing and teeth chattering seem to be responding in the affirmative.
“Wow,” I ponder. “I have been reading all about conspiracy theories, and many of them are historically connected to the assassination of JFK on this day forty-eight years ago. This is all too bizarre and synchronous.”
As I go about breakfast and contemplating another day of writing, I feel emotional, ungrounded, and confused.
“Nope,” I smile at myself, “I don’t think I will be writing today.”
The Shadow Effect
Opting instead to spend another day in video-land, I search my computer and feel drawn to a video called “The Shadow Effect.” When I click on the play button, I have no idea what I am about to see.
To my delight, it is a documentary by well-known author Debbie Ford. It turns out to be a beautiful discussion on the profound importance of embracing and exploring our “dark shadow” – the part of ourselves that we usually fight to hide and deny. While produced from a slightly different perspective, the whole movie focuses on exactly what I have been doing on Keith’s porch – the concept of uncovering layers of buried emotion and dysfunctional beliefs, and finding the hidden treasures that lie beneath them.
“I really want to embrace the dark and rejected parts of me.” I ponder with genuine sincerity as the video comes to conclusion.
Into The Magic
“But I don’t want to do it today.” I add with certainty. “I am too emotional to write, and I am tired of crying. I want to simply watch an inspiring movie that will distract me and take me into the magical realms.”
Soon, I am giggling as I push the play button on “The Fellowship Of The Ring” – the first of three “Lord Of The Rings” movies. I have always loved watching these tales of young Hobbits and magical beings setting off to protect the world from evil. They inspire me so much.
Deep Longing
As the movie begins to show and provide background on the magical world of Hobbits, I suddenly burst into tears. As I watch the portrayal of the wonders of the “Shire” and “Hobbitton,” intense emotions about my own “lost magic from childhood” suddenly burst forth in renewed waves.
I long for my own magical connections to the divine. I long to return to such childlike joy and innocence.
It seems that nearly every minute I need to hit the pause button while I cry and sob for the next few minutes. Rather than attempting to suppress the inexplicable emotion, I simply allow, knowing that these emotions must be released, even if I do not fully understand them.
The light in Frodo’s eyes … the unconditionally loving and magical Gandalf … the giggling playfulness of Merry and Pippin … the loyalty of Sam … the elves of Rivendell … literally everything triggers a deep longing for the return of my inner magic.
Sobs, Tears, And Coughs
Then come Gollum, Sauron, the Ringwraiths, the Orcs, and Saruman – just some of the dreaded dark-shadow characters forming various aspects of the “evil” realms related to Mordor.
Having just watched “The Shadow Effect,” I take a serious and genuine look at how I might relate to all of the darker characters in the movie.
With honest introspection, I can clearly see how ego and “being separate and asleep to my divine nature” has, during various periods of my life, turned me into a metaphorical sheep – an obedient and unquestioning sheep that could easily, under the right circumstances, have become any one of these dark-shadow characters.
Again, with each realization, I must push the pause button – almost every minute or two – while tearfully integrating through unexpected and overwhelming emotional bursts of sobs, tears, and coughs.
Red And Blurry
It takes me six and a half hours to watch a movie that would normally finish playing in three hours and twenty minutes. I literally sob, streaming tears and building up piles of tissues, for more than three hours of that time.
In the process, I have meditatively become every character, observing my magical and dark shadow sides, relating in some way to everyone and nearly everything.
A deep longing to regain my childhood magic has been unleashed. A genuine desire to further release the stronghold of ego in my life has been lovingly embraced.
After dinner, as 8:00 p.m. enters the history books, I am exhausted, and my eyes are so red and blurry that I can barely see out of them.
Soon, I am in bed, doing the only thing I am capable of doing at the moment – that being to sleep.
To Run Away
Wednesday morning I remain a blob of confusion. I start to pull myself up, and I slip back into painful depths. I play mind-numbing computer games, interrupted by occasional rounds of tears. I attempt to meditate but feel no desire to get anywhere even remotely close to the higher energies.
“I feel like I am spiritually bipolar.” I ponder with shock.
I know that I need to allow this emotion to surface … that I do not want to push it back down … that the only way to heal it is to feel it to the bottom. But the emotional pain is so great that I want to run away, to simply say “F@#K it all,” to pack my bags and just go back to a normal life of “being asleep.”
Beyond Understanding
“Is this even my own emotion?” I ask myself with deep introspection. “Could it come from a past life? … Or maybe from a parallel life in another dimension? … Or am I sucking the emotions from others around me, like the functionally-unaware empath that I am?”
As I ponder, I intuitively believe the emotional pain to be my own. It seems to be triggered by the eye-opening effects of beginning to see my fifty-six years on this planet as a “lie” – as a movie in which I have simply been asleep, playing a role, starting now to wake up to “who I really am.” I momentarily feel a sense of anger at the fact that I have been a sleeping sheep controlled by ego for all these years. Perhaps “outraged” might be a better word.
Inner parts of me are indeed floundering in anger and turmoil. But then again, I am really not sure. It might just be sadness and confusion. I am literally beyond understanding. I do not have a clue about what I am feeling.
You Will Love The Ending
Again the words to “Close your eyes” flash through my mind, reminding me that all of this is part of a divinely orchestrated process, reminding me that I will indeed love the ending when this part of the story is gone.
But right now I continue to experience fears, nervousness about survival in this crazy changing world. I even go so far as to experience brief terror at the thought of a potential eminent collapse of financial systems and governments.
“No,” I insist as I attempt to unsuccessfully meditate. “I know that this is my own personal movie. I know it has been synchronously guided in amazing ways. I know that I will indeed love the ending.”
“Or am I just being delusional?” I throw in one last doubt.
Connecting to higher energies seems like an unreachable dream right now. I simply “Close my eyes” and trust that this scary part will soon end … that the chocolate ceremony this afternoon will help restore a little bit of life to my numb and lifeless soul.
Blown Away
“You’re early.” Keith jokes with me as I walk into his kitchen, a full forty minutes before the ceremony is scheduled to begin.
I am hoping for an opportunity to chat before the ceremony, and it looks like I will get that wish. Almost immediately, I begin to bawl as I share my up and down journey of the previous thirty-six hours.
“Sounds like you are doing amazing work on undoing ego.” Keith congratulates me.
The funny thing is that I had not yet gotten around to the part of explaining how I have been relating many of my insights to the undoing of ego. Keith continues to blow me away with his intuitions.
Dark Night Of The Soul
“You are in very advanced work,” Keith again congratulates me while I continue bawling. “This is work that everyone will have to do eventually.”
Keith quickly labels what I am experiencing as a “dark night of the soul,” and then tells me that I am being a pioneer, a few years ahead of most everyone else, so that I can profoundly understand the pain and fear regarding “conspiracies and a collapsing world.”
“When you get through this,” Keith adds with confidence, “you will be able to help everyone else who WILL go through similar processes of their own.”
Keith’s congratulatory encouragement does little to distill the painful emotions through which I continue to pass … but it does give me hope that there is indeed a rhyme and reason to the emotional depths through which I am passing.
“Did you go through this yourself?” I ask Keith with prying curiosity.
“I went through similar undoing struggles,” Keith responds with love. “How do you think I can be so unattached and connected as I work with others? I had to do the work myself first so that I would not be projecting all over others.”
Core, And Hugely Important
“I don’t have a clue regarding why I am crying.” I express to Keith with renewed frustration. “I know I am not supposed to suppress these emotions … that I need to allow them to surface and pass through me … but I feel crazy, bipolar, and lost in futility.”
“I even had thoughts of suicide momentarily pop into my awareness.” I add with emotion. “These voices are screaming in my head that it is not worth it … that I am wasting my time here … that I want to quit, go home now, and fall back to sleep.”
“Brenda,” Keith congratulates me with emphasis. “I’m getting a very strong confirmation that what you are doing is core, and hugely important.”
Keith repeats several such confirmations throughout our intense, ongoing, conversation. Finally, still in tears, I thank Keith for his beautiful words of encouragement, give him a huge hug, and walk out to the porch to see what happens next.
Surrender To The Pain
As I sit in my usual spot, I sink back into a state of detached numbness. To my shock and surprise, the porch fills to overflowing, with over twenty-four people squeezed into a tiny space. I begin to wonder how my out-of-control emotions will affect such a large group.
During the glow meditation, I am utterly incapable of bringing in any energy. I remain numb and in deep emotional pain. My abdomen is extremely bloated and throbbing with pain. With both hands strategically placed between my belly button and sternum, I struggle to tolerate the pain while part of me attempts to embrace it – to sink further into it. I know the pain is my messenger, not my enemy.
I want to surrender to the pain, submerse myself in it, allowing it to have me. I do not want to stuff it any more. I want it to come up, to teach me what it needs to teach, and to then move on to its higher evolvement as soon as reasonably possible.
Hurting Beyond Belief
As I visualize myself swimming in this abdominal pain, I see it as a pond covered with tar and gooey layers of disgusting and putrid slime and bacterial yuck. I imagine myself walking down into this cesspool, immersing myself up to my chest.
As I do so, I begin to cry new rivers of tears as my jaw again shakes and rattles up a storm. We are still in the glow meditation, but I do not care. I just let the process take me where it will. I am not paying attention to anyone or anything else. I am physically and emotionally hurting beyond belief, and I am surrendering to it.
Rebellion Times Two
“Bring in some higher energies,” Keith guides me as soon as the glow meditation is over.
“F@#K the higher energies.” I unexpectedly and confidently blurt out my verbal rebellion while sending two middle finger salutes into the air above me, one with each outstretched hand.
“Wow,” Keith smiles. “Sounds like you are right in the middle of more of your God/ separation drama.”
Uninhibited And Uncensored
Because of such unusual behavior in front of a large group of new participants, Keith pauses for a few minutes to explain to the group just who I am.
While he explains about my blog and about the powerful work that I am doing, I continue to meditate silently on my previous four-word salute to higher energies. I want nothing to do with higher energies right now. I can hardly feel them and I do not even want to try to make an effort. I am overflowing in rebellion.
Don’t get me wrong. These are not my thoughts as the conscious observer. These are the thoughts of a distraught and lonely child, one who is hurting so badly inside that all hope has been lost. I allow these words to flow through me, uninhibited and uncensored.
“I need to feel this to the core.” A confident voice whispers inside. “I need to understand this. I don’t want these feelings taken away just yet.”
Proud Grandfathers
Keith quickly moves on, working with a couple of others before stopping to work with my dear young Mayan friend, Isaias. I had noted with interest when Keith had earlier handed Isaias a cup of chocolate. In an unusual turn of events, Keith had firmly motioned with one finger pointing down at a bench, while telling his amazing young worker to “Sit down and join us.” (Note: I have Isaias’s permission to write about this experience.)
As I glance up momentarily, I take note that Isaias has tears streaming down his own cheeks. He shares a brief story with Keith about a profound experience he just had during the glow meditation. The only thing I hear at the time is something about how his grandfathers were there in his meditation, and they are deeply proud of him.
Synchronous Dots
“Pay attention!” A huge wave of intuition suddenly shakes me, screaming silently in my ear. “This is the clue that you need for your own process.”
I have been so depressed that I was not even paying attention before this moment.
“Oh my gosh.” Intuitions silently exclaim. “Just yesterday, I unexpectedly remembered that it was the anniversary of my grandfather’s death – something I have not thought about in a very long time.
As Keith again moves on, my mind is racing, connecting all of the synchronous dots. As I do so, I quietly continue to sob, piling up the tissues beside me.
Mayan Calendar Dots
“I was four years old when my grandfather died … and I am fifty-six now.” I begin to follow intuitions. “That means that my grandfather died exactly fifty-two years ago yesterday”
“Fifty-two years is the exact length of the Mayan Calendar spiritual cycle.” I ponder with excitement. “And this clue synchronously came to me through a young Mayan man who is himself studying to be a shaman – a young man with profound spiritual connections – a young man with a great connection to that sacred calendar.”
I ponder back to my first introduction to Mayan Calendar basics. It was a lesson given to me by my dear friend Eduardo in Cozumel, during my first Temazcal (sweat lodge) experience in Cozumel. I clearly remember how Eduardo explained that it takes fifty-two years for the procession of the Mayan spiritual calendar to complete an exact cycle – that at age fifty-two we begin a new cycle, essentially starting over in a new spiritual lifetime. At that time, I had noted with deep interest that I was fifty-two years old during my first trip to Cozumel – the one where I met Rafael – the one that profoundly inspired my present-day journey of self-discovery.
Giggling Playful Memories
Another memory flashes into my mind – one where a local crystal healer, a little over one year ago, had insisted that something traumatic happened to me at age four. It had taken me a while to even figure out that my grandfather died then … but still I had no emotional charge around the issue, none whatsoever.
Given that he died when I was four years old, I have very little actual memory of my mother’s father. I do remember that at the time, he was my favorite grandparent. He played with me a great deal. Our favorite activity was that I would grab his leg and stand on his foot, after which he would drag me around amidst giggles and belly laughs – teasing me the whole time. He was a real playful tease and I loved that so much.
The only other thing I remember is that he gave me silver dollars every time I saw him.
“It is strange how I loved my grandfather so much,” I begin to ponder, “yet I have no memory of any emotional experiences surrounding his death.”
Guilty As Charged
Suddenly a new memory floods my mind and heart.
“I remember being told that grandpa died while dragging a grandchild around on his foot.” I ponder with pain. “He keeled over with a heart attack because the play caused too much physical stress to his body. He died in his own front yard, right on the sidewalk, not even surviving until the ambulance could arrive”
As I ponder this memory, another one stabs me in the heart.
“As a tiny four year old, I remember feeling extremely guilty when I heard about how he died.” I profoundly recollect.
“Did I feel guilty and responsibility for his death?” I begin to wonder.
Intensified tears begin to again stream down my cheeks as I realize that the answer to that question is a frightening and undeniable “YES.”
Tearful Trauma
“Was that grandchild me?” I ponder with shock. “Could it be that I was so traumatized that I blocked it all out? Could it be that no one told me because they knew it would only serve to re-traumatize me?”
“It was right around Thanksgiving time.” I ponder in painful emotion. “It was very possible that we traveled from Colorado to Utah to visit him at about that time. It really could have been me.”
I have absolutely no memory of grieving his death or of even going to the funeral – even though I know that I must have been there.
“Could this really have happened?” I sink deeper into the unexpressed tears of my inner child. “Was I really so traumatized that I blocked it all out?”
Two Plus Two Equals Five
Two or three times, I tearfully and agonizingly interrupt Keith across the porch to fill him in on new details of my journey. Keith and I both agree that it does not really matter if I was the actual grandchild that was hanging on my grandfather’s leg when he had his heart attack.
Whether it was me or not, I can literally feel the real and extreme guilt of my own little inner child. As a child, I felt somehow responsible for my grandfather’s death, and I was unable to express or grieve those feelings and emotions in any way. Instead, I stuffed and repressed them all.
Yes, in my tiny four-year-old innocence, I added two and two together and came up with five – a belief that uninhibited and unbridled joyous play had killed my grandfather. It was not just my grandfather’s love for playing that had killed him. I was also a culpable participant. By playing with him with such wild, unbridled, and giggling delight, I believed that I had also contributed to his death.
Sobbing Cycles
For the remainder of the chocolate ceremony, I cycle in and out of deep tears, teeth chattering, and coughing. Occasionally I attempt to vibrate my throat by sounding a shallow tone with my voice, but I feel unable to release even that much vocal expression – a metaphor that further serves to reinforce to me that I was completely unable to express such feelings as a child.
I often consider punching something, or screaming out in agony, perhaps allowing myself to express my emotions in a much more dramatic way. But instead, I cry quietly in the mind-numbing, empty-heart emotions that overwhelm me.
I even consider punching myself in the gut, punishing myself, inflicting pain as a way to flush out the agonizing blame, and guilt that flow in my veins. But no, I continue to quietly cycle through my episodes of sobbing.
Inside For Now
I continue to ignore everything around me, completely tuning out while ignoring an empath training that eventually unfolds. I am in intense emotional pain and am clueless as to how I might release it. I know I cannot do it myself; I know that I need help.
“Surely the group will be called in to help me during the final phases of empath training.” I ponder.
But I am not at all surprised when Keith skips over me. I know in my heart that this pain cannot be released so easily. I trust the process, knowing that there is a reason that this pain must remain inside of me, at least for now.
Fighting Fixing
Soon, a very energetically connected man (I will call him Joe) comes to sit on the empty pillow beside me. I pay close attention as he sinks deeper and deeper into what feels like a very profound meditation. His breathing is slow and rhythmic, and I suddenly feel his energy affecting me in surprising ways.
My scalp begins to vibrate and lighten with the once-familiar feeling of loving light energies. Suddenly I feel the molecules in my left shoulder (Joe is on my left side) beginning to vibrate as well. Then to my shock I literally feel emotional energy being sucked out of me – as if the sadness is literally being ripped out of me, being replaced by peace and love.
“No!” I think to myself. “There is a reason that I need to continue feeling this pain. I don’t want him to take it from me.”
I am so profoundly sensitive to fixing energy that I absolutely know that Joe is trying to help me by fixing my emotions – by sucking them out of me.
Violated And Disempowered
For a minute or two, I focus all conscious effort on attempting to stop this disempowering flow. By now, half of my emotional intensity seems to have literally vanished. My efforts are unsuccessful as I helplessly continue to experience additional emotions being stripped away from me. It is surreal how powerfully they flow, first through my body, then leaving in Joe’s direction. I physically experience the flow of energy leaving my abdomen and heart. I consciously feel the emotions dissolving. I want it to stop.
Rather than say anything awkward and accusatory, I simply stand up and walk into the bathroom. As expected, the flow of emotion ceases. When I return to my cushion, Joe has stopped meditating and I feel deeply violated. My once-heavy heart is now light. My emotions have been stolen. I have been cheated of my opportunity to do additional emotional work – of the opportunity to find the treasure that was buried beneath them.
For fifteen minutes, I work hard to sink back into the now-missing emotion – to re-access what little might remain.
Profoundly Puzzled
As Keith finishes what he is doing and is about to shift gears in a new direction, I interrupt.
“Keith,” I beg, “Can I have permission to ask a question before you continue?”
Before I turn to focus on Joe, a strong intuition tells me to be less direct in my query, indicating that just maybe I am misinterpreting what actually took place.
“Joe,” I shift my attitude. “You are extremely gifted with your energies. As you were meditating just now, I felt most of my emotional density rise up and leave in your direction. Do you mind if I ask you what was going through your mind while you were meditating? Were you even thinking about or focusing on me or my emotions?”
To my shock, Joe responds that I was not even on his mind at the time. He was simply meditating deeply into the energies that he was experiencing.
Keith quickly confirms that he also believes Joe to have been completely free of any fixing energy at all.
To my shock, I too feel the same way … but I am profoundly puzzled.
My Mother Was What?
“Brenda,” Keith continues, “I’m getting that the higher energies took advantage of Joe’s meditation to give you a powerful show – an example of how you will not allow their assistance – of how you insist on doing it all yourself.”
“You picked up the energy movement beautifully.” Keith congratulates me, telling me that the only thing I missed was the fact that it was real higher energies trying to help me.
“I felt like he was my mother.” I suddenly blurt out with weird, almost unconscious, intuition.
“Bingo,” Keith responds with a huge grin, quickly confirming my words that came out of nowhere. “Your mother was an empath and didn’t know it. She stopped you from feeling things as a child, completely disempowering you in the process.”
(An added note: After I published this writing, Keith sent me an email of clarification saying the following: “…to be more correct, your mom was going well beyond being an empath and into the arena of psychic surgery … which has its negative and positive poles … and using that ability out of fixing and trying to make things better for you.” I love, appreciate, and fully agree with this intuitive clarification.)
Could It Be?
Keith goes on to explain that this is why I am so intensely sensitive to fixing energy now – because my mother unknowingly did this to me constantly.
“This was a powerful lesson that you set up so that you would not do it yourself in later life during your own time as a healer.” Keith adds with confidence.
“Wow,” I ponder out loud, “My mother being an empath. That makes so much sense. I was never allowed to grieve my grandfather’s death. I hardly even remember it. Such traumatic memories should be prominent, even for a four-year-old.
As I further reflect, I have frequent childhood memories of times when intense emotions repeatedly vanished after only a little bit of crying around my mother.
“Could it really be?” I ponder with wonder.
Flipping Them Off
“Brenda,” Keith shares, “I want to congratulate you again for having followed your process so beautifully today.”
Keith then explains that I consistently picked up on all of the extremely subtle clues that were presented to me throughout the last two days, following each clue and achieving profound results.
“The higher energies are trying to help you and you will not allow them.” Keith then reemphasizes. “This is because as a child, you saw your mother’s use of those energies as manipulative and fixing – and you wanted to be allowed to do more with your own feelings.”
“F@#K the higher energies.” Those once forbidden and angry words again come unexpectedly flying off my tongue as middle finger salutes again grace each hand.
“I still feel that resistance.” I express to Keith with shock and baffling confusion. “On the one hand, I am begging the higher energies to help me, but on the other, I am flipping them off and refusing to allow their assistance – labeling it as fixing.”
“Wow,” I ponder to myself, “this is a powerful and profound realization.”
Past Versus Present
As one gentleman in the group expresses a little confusion surrounding his perception of me still judging and being angry at my mother, he urges me to let go of the emotion and to heal my life. I smile and take a brief opportunity to teach.
“Please, don’t get me wrong.” I respond with confidence. “I love my mother deeply. I spoke at her funeral regarding the deep gratitude that I have for how she taught me to love unconditionally. I carry no present-day judgment or malice toward her in any way.”
“These are old buried emotions that I did not know even existed.” I continue. “Yes, I profoundly love my mother, but I need to allow these old emotions to be expressed in order for my healing to flow and progress. I need to understand these emotions. I need to feel them to the core before I am ready, willing, and able to let them go. I suppressed them for fifty-two years to the day. I am not about to suppress them any longer. I need to feel and experience the grief, the anger, the sadness, and the guilt.”
Rational Validation
As the porch begins to clear, I hang around until everyone else has gone.
“Keith,” I ask hopefully, “do you have any words of parting wisdom or advice?”
“I was just thinking about that,” he smiles back to me. “You did beautifully today. I think you pegged it and got the messages powerfully and profoundly. I am extremely proud of you and what you did on the porch today.”
I love such feedback after a long and emotionally grueling day. Even though it feels a little like ego begging for validation, I know that my rational mind needs something to validate what my heart already knows to be true. I am deeply grateful for Keith’s kind words.
An Opportunity To Grieve
“Keith,” I follow up. “I’m struggling and need your input. I feel like I am not done and that I cannot yet let go of this emotion – as if I need to continue to feel it more – to cry more – to grieve more.”
“Am I just wanting to have a pity party,” I beg for guidance, “or is this something I should really allow myself to go home and do?”
“While there may be a tiny pity party here and there,” Keith lovingly responds, “I’m getting that you do need to go deeper into this emotion. That would be completely appropriate and very productive – definitely not wrong or indulging in the pain.”
“You never were allowed to grieve your grandfather’s death.” Keith reinforces his response. “You need time to do that.”
A Long-Term Setup
As I further discuss the amazing synchronicities that led up to my work today, I am blown away by the timing – exactly fifty-two years (Mayan Calendar cycle) after my grandfather’s death I spent a day bawling my eyes out, clueless as to why I was sobbing continuously. Then, on the very next day, a young Mayan friend leads me to the missing clue that connects the synchronous dots.
Even the dots of conspiracy theory videos and exploring the undoing of ego were cleverly connected with the death of President Kennedy on the exact same date, some four years later. Had it not been for me watching those videos and doing all of the profound inner-conspiracy work with ego, I do not believe I would have been prepared for the incredible tearful release that I experienced while watching “The Fellowship Of The Ring”.
“At an energetic level, your grandfather agreed to die the way he did as part of a profound synchronous setup for this very moment.” Keith confidently interjects.
Even though all sense of western logic would laugh at such a bizarre statement, a strong sense of profound intuitive resonance flashes through my soul, confirming that I did indeed create this reality – and I did it over fifty-two years ago.
“Wow,” I ponder in shock. “I am in such an unbelievable flow of synchronous dots that even an event from long ago ties in beautifully, in undeniable and beautiful ways.
The thought fills me with unbelievable peace and confidence in the future.
A Chance Encounter
As I exchange one last hug with Keith and head toward the gate, he calls out “You’re amazing Brenda.”
I simply smile and giggle as I contemplate the energetic realizations … but I am not done yet.
As I reach the main road at the top of Keith’s little hill, I unexpectedly bump into Isaias who is on his way home. He had left the ceremony early and is just now returning to his own cozy home. In all of the ceremonies I have ever attended, this is the first time I have ever bumped into Isaias in this manner.
We stand and talk in animated fascination for the next fifteen minutes while we exchange stories – while he fills me in with more details of his own amazing meditation involving his grandfathers.
A Surprise Synchronicity
“Today, in the Mayan Calendar, is the day of death of grandfathers.” Isaias suddenly shares an unexpected tidbit of delightful insight. “The day is thirteen Keme.” (Thirteen is the day and Keme is the month – pronounced Kay-May.)
“Is it specifically the death of grandfathers?” I ask for clarification, being deeply curious.
Isaias then explains that it is technically not just a day for grandfathers, but that in all of the prayers he has ever heard for this day, that every one of them is a prayer to the deceased grandfathers (which includes grandmothers).
Synchronous Setups
“Wow,” I ponder with shock as I eventually resume my walk in the dark. “I could never have thought this story up. It is amazing and profound.”
Yesterday, at fifty-two years to the very day, I cried and sobbed and grieved all day long – intellectually knowing that it was the day my grandfather died, but not focusing on it, not drawing any intuitive connections as to the Mayan Calendar cycle or to the significance that my grandfather’s death carried in my own life.
Today, after the profound and unexpected processing that was triggered by a young Mayan man’s connection with his own grandfathers, I too honor my grandfather on a day that honor’s his death and his life. Intuition is quite clear that circumstances of his death, and my perception of those circumstances, carried huge weight in the area of handicapping my ability to play, starting as early as age four.
As I ponder my recognition of unfathomable synchronicities – all the dots seem to connect – all lingering emotions simply evaporate, being quickly replaced by the unbelievable bliss of the present moment realizations. Yes, I did have to close my eyes through the scary parts … but I do indeed love the ending.
Call me crazy again, but Keith’s words resonate powerfully. I really do choose to follow my intuitions – intuitions confirming that this entire event was synchronously setup to unfold exactly in this way. I could not have received a more profound message from the Universe.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved