This was originally posted on July 5, 2011. I deleted it because it was causing problems with my email subscription services. I have reposted it on September 28, 2011. Based on how things are going, it looks like this will finally get sent out to subscribers.
Because I have been so incredibly busy – seven days per week of either being in ceremony or else writing for 10-14 hours each day – I have given almost no thought whatsoever to the fact that my apartment will be empty for two and a half months. I would love for someone to occupy my space while I am gone – someone who will help to pay a portion of the rent.
“Don’t worry about it.” Little inner voices have repeatedly whispered over the last several weeks. “If someone is supposed to live in the space while you are gone, they will show up in your life. You don’t need to go looking … just keep doing what you are doing.”
Several people have expressed an interest in subletting the space, assisting me with my rental expenses – and each in turn has fallen through, with the last prospects only telling me this morning that they found a cheaper place.
“Don’t worry about it.” The voices again whisper from somewhere deep in my heart.
I choose to listen to my heart.
Self-Doubt And Discouragement
Prior to the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, June 29, I share an hour of delightful conversation with one of my dear friends in San Marcos. This beautiful friend is having amazing spiritual experiences while meditating and working with crystals and with the Kabbalah.
As happy as I am for her spiritual growth, I have to admit that I feel a little jealous. Ego voices inside of me begin to rant on and on about how intensely I have worked over these last seven months.
“You are such a loser Brenda.” The ego thoughts pound my head. “After all of your profound inner work you are still struggling to wake up – yet others who aren’t doing the emotional processing seem to be lighting up anyway”.
“What is wrong with me?” Part of me begins to struggle. “Maybe I am wrong … maybe I’m just not capable of doing it right?”
I know that this crazy-making thought process is all an ego-ploy to discourage me, and I attempt to simply ignore the meaningless thoughts – yet a subtle part of me latches onto the self-doubt and discouragement, bringing it with me to the afternoon chocolate ceremony.
What If I’m Wrong?
As I sit waiting for the ceremony to begin, I experience a weird pressure in my head, right over the third-eye chakra.
“What if I’m wrong?” The doubting voice again whispers in my head – as if the voice is centered right in my forehead.
I have dealt with this nay-saying voice through each of my major-life transitions. The most recent time this voice attempted to derail me was in the final weeks of finishing my Master’s degree – in the same weeks where I was finding the courage to travel and write rather than to simply pursue traditional licensure while working in the rat-race at a counseling agency somewhere.
But every time I make any type of minor-life transition, I also hear this persistent little doubting voice nagging me from the back of my mind.
I know that going home for two months is the perfect decision. I know I am not wrong. I know I am doing exactly what my heart is guiding me to do.
“Why can’t these pesky doubting voices just leave me alone?” I ponder with frustration.
I already know the answer. These voices are part of my process – part of learning to know myself – part of learning to trust myself.
Beautiful Conversations…
“This morning I had a beautiful conversation with a friend.” I share with Keith as the ceremony begins. “And now I am sinking into doubts about myself … blah, blah, blah.”
“Back up to your first statement.” Keith interrupts my sharing. “Having beautiful conversations with friends is what you will be doing when you go home.”
Keith attempts to help me understand that my self-doubts are focused around my expectations about going home – but I am stuck and not resonating with his words – actually not even able to fully understand what he is trying to say. My heart is consumed by these doubts and fears, still resonating with the feeling of “what if I’m wrong?”
Pity Party Privacy
As Keith moves on to work with others, I recognize that this “what if I’m wrong?” feeling originated with my childhood shutdown – of not being validated for being my true self – of people-pleasing to get blue ribbons and pats on the back – of any situation in which following my heart goes against societal, religious, and cultural expectations.
As I further explore these emotions, I feel lost, shut down, and incapable of trusting myself. I know these feelings to all be lies – but I am overwhelmed with so much childhood emotion that the only thing I want to do is to leave the ceremony, to go back to my apartment, and to cry out the fear and pain with buckets of tears.
These childhood emotions run very deep. I feel my pity party room engulfing me – all around me – and I am trapped there. I don’t want to leave that dark closet. The only thing I want to do is to bawl my eyes out in order to relieve the emotional pain – but I don’t want to embarrass myself yet-again on the porch.
It seems that the only tried-and-true method of emotional release that I trust right now is tears.
All-Consuming Doubts
When I attempt to visualize myself leaving my pity party closet, walking down the metaphorical hall to join my divine circle of friends – there is again too much fear. In fact, all attempts at self-observation/visualization fall flat – whether it is The Muppet Show, my private movie theatre, or various visualized movie scenes.
“I can’t do it.” I ponder with terror. “I want to cry my pain out first. I absolutely know that tears are the only method that will help me right now – the only thing that will allow me to move beyond this emotion.”
My thoughts then shift back to going home to be with my beautiful family and friends.
“I am terrified of going home unprepared.” I ponder with fear. “I will fail. I won’t be able to show people what I have been doing. It will be just like this morning when talking to my friend. They will all be doing great and I will be completely invalidated for being deeply stuck in my own inner work, blah, blah, blah…”
The power of this self-doubt is mind-boggling and all-consuming.
Hopelessly Stuck
I quietly whimper and release a small stream of tears while Keith slowly makes his way around the whole porch. When he eventually completes his first pass in working with others, Keith feels guided to initiate yet-another empath training.
I am too emotionally lost to participate – continuing to whimper while zooming through the roller-coaster ride of inner pain. I want to pull a scarf over my head, but resist the urge. Sleepiness attempts to consume me and a persistent urge to run home and bawl my brains out continues to dominate my thoughts.
I don’t participate in the training – instead choosing to listen numbly in my pain while stacking used tissues by my side.
Finally, when the training is complete, Keith checks in to see where I am at.
“I am deeply stuck in this pain and fear.” I share with Keith in desperation. “I know it is all lies – yet the emotions are so overwhelming that I cannot break through those lies.”
Assistance Offered
“Would you like to take a turn in the middle?” Keith asks. “Would you allow the group to assist you in releasing this emotion right here?”
“Yeah, that would be nice.” I respond numbly.
But I am so emotionally low that I don’t believe it can possibly help. In fact I don’t believe in much of anything right now. I still just want to go home and bawl my eyes out.
I continue to be consumed with overwhelming self-doubt.
Beginning To Trust
As I plop myself down on a pillow in the middle of the porch, I simply sit and quietly whimper while Keith explains to everyone on the porch where I am at in my process, and just what I am struggling with. He asks each of them who wish to participate to connect with my energy, and to empathically assist me in moving my painful and stuck emotions.
Still consumed with self-doubt, I simply focus on attempting to allow. The technique-less technique of surrendering and allowing continues to boggle my mind. Finally I consciously express my intent to allow while getting out of the way – attempting instead to simply breathe slowly in a relaxed manner.
“Keith, I need your help.” I hear one woman beg for guidance. “I am deeply internalizing Brenda’s emotional pain and I think I am eating it, putting it inside of me.”
As I listen to these words, hearing that someone else is physically experiencing my painful emotion – I begin to trust – I begin to erase a little of my consuming self-doubt.
In the meantime, I just continue to allow – starting to cry even more profusely.
Repressed Expression
Suddenly I am consumed by another overwhelming urge to cough – an uncontrollable episode of coughing that goes on for several minutes. When the symbolic coughing fit concludes, I share my surprise with Keith.
“Wow,” I express through tear-filled sobs, “my childhood expression was so deeply repressed. I was completely unable to express my truth. Attempting to do so simply resulted in me being wrong.”
“These emotions that I am experiencing intuitively feel as if they are from around age three or four.” I continue to share my flowing insights.
Partially Open
After what seems like a very long time, Keith guides my process in a whole new direction.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts the silence, “there is a door that you need to find somewhere in your heart. Once you locate it then you need to open it up.”
After a few minutes of meditation, I finally feel as if I have found this metaphorical door, but I cannot seem to open it. Every time that I open the door, I feel it immediately slam shut in my face. There is extreme resistance to opening this door. Intense emotional effort is required to force it open, and the moment I relax, it closes with a slam.
“Open a window in the door.” Keith gives me an easier task.
The window I find is of the sliding variety. Every time that I pull the glass to one side, it seems to rebound quickly, as if an extremely strong bungee cord is pulling it back shut.
“Find a way to prop it open.” Keith further guides me.
Finally I am able to visualize a small stick being wedged in the window track, forcing the window to remain partially open.
An Open Window
“There Brenda,” Keith congratulates me. “Can you feel the difference?”
“A little,” I respond. “I feel a little bit more emotional energy flowing now.”
“Where are your inner children?” Keith follows up. “How are they doing?”
“They are sitting in the corner.” I respond. “They are watching me, and are not frightened by what is happening – but they are not helping me either. I get the feeling that they are simply observing, building their trust in what we are doing.”
Meanwhile, I continue to cry profusely, even more than before. I can actually feel the emotional energy moving out of me, through the partially open window.
“Open the window even wider.” Keith guides me.
As I do so, I sense more energy flowing, accompanied by more crying on my part.
“Wider still,” Keith again coaches me.
Again, my participation intensifies, both in the energy flow and in the tearful outburst.
Wide Open
“Now you need to open the door.” Keith urges me on.
I manage to visualize the door just barely open, perhaps an inch or two, with a small stick wedged and keeping it from closing completely. Again my tears step up a notch, along with the energy flow.
Repeatedly, Keith urges me forward, opening the door just a little more. With each incremental step, I sense more emotional energy flow. Constant feedback from others on the porch reassures me that they feel the intensity of my emotional release – an intensity that is shocking me. I had no idea that the source of such “what if I’m wrong” doubts and fears could be so deeply entrenched in an energetic way.
Finally, I feel as if the door is wide open and unobstructed. My emotional release continues in profuse tears as tissues pile up ever-deeper on the ground beside me.
United And Together
“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me further. “Have your little boy and girl go stand in front of the open door. When they look out, they will see an angel in the far distance. How do they feel?”
“They are only peeking around the corner.” I respond after a few minutes of meditation. “They are a little cautious about standing directly in the open, but they do not seem to be afraid.”
As I sense even more emotional energy moving out of this open door, I continue to cry rivers of tears.
Eventually, little Bobby and Sharon get enough confidence to fully expose themselves in the open doorway. The angel is closer, but they do not fear or flinch. We all simply stand fully exposed, allowing these emotions of fear and doubt to be released from our field – doing so united and together.
A Dizzying Flow
“Keith,” I explain in the middle of this process. “I am experiencing a great deal of prickly/pokey pain in my high-heart region.”
“Congratulations for going to this level of release,” Keith tells me before explaining to the rest of the group that the high-heart is the upper area of the heart chakra – an area that is related to the Christ-consciousness energy.
“Now it is time to release the pain in your high heart.” Keith soon guides me. “It is your own densities that are causing the pain.”
“Breathe Brenda.” Keith soon interrupts as he notices that I am holding my breath in an effort to focus on surrendering and allowing.
Gradually I feel the densities in my upper chest begin to bubble and dissolve. Simultaneously I feel a burst of energy flowing through my head, causing me to experience a sensation of dizziness, even in the third-eye region. I love this sensitivity of more energy flowing. It gives me a delightful feeling of progress in this area of my body which continues to remain so stuck.
Unexpected Release
As this very long release process progresses, my tears eventually dry up. But the energy release continues for another twenty minutes with me no longer needing to actually experience the emotions that are being released.
Finally, I begin to breathe deeply. The higher-vibrational energies are at last filling me, as peace and a feeling of lightness fully consume my high-heart region. While my third-eye continues to manifest pressure and a mild ache, the remainder of my head is vibrating. I am amazed at what has happened to me over the course of the last hour or so – at what happened even when I was so stuck in self-doubt that I did not believe it possible.
Gratitude fills my heart for the way in which Keith asked if I wanted some assistance in the middle of the porch. I honestly thought that I simply needed to cry out a few overwhelming-but-silly emotions. I am now blown away by how much emotional density was still stored in my body around this issue. I intuitively recognize that I have successfully released huge reservoirs of density dating all the way back to childhood – densities related to “what if I’m wrong” and “what if I fail”.
That child of long ago – that lost little boy that was me – did not trust his true heart and did not believe in his true abilities.
“Wow,” I think to myself, “Perhaps what I did today might release me from a few of those pesky doubts.”
A Little Help From My Friends
After the ceremony ends, I simply sit in shock, remaining for nearly an hour after everyone else leaves. I feel amazingly lighter and free.
“Keith,” I ask for feedback, “can you explain what I just did?”
“You finally allowed a new level of higher dimensional support in helping you to release the densities.” Keith coaches to me.
Keith goes on to explain that my inner children were terrified about me doing this, but that they did indeed allow me to do it. In the process I released a huge amount of inner pain.
“Your little children allowed other people in the group to assist – but not angels – in order to build their trust in allowing outside help.” Keith fills me in. “Then, at the end, they even allowed a little help from the angel.”
Other Possibilities
“Brenda,” Keith continues, “you have insisted that the only way that works for you is to cry out the emotions. Today you have received powerful assistance that showed you the possibilities.”
“Don’t try to figure out what happened.” Keith gives me final guidance. “Just go home and relax, rest, eat, and allow the feelings to settle. Don’t do anything hard.”
Travel Preparations
Thursday morning, I am quite proud of myself as I finish up my 5:30 a.m. meditation – a meditation that will likely be my last in San Marcos until late September. I continue to work on releasing deposits of self-hatred that permeate my joints and muscles in ever-diminishing amounts.
Eager to make final preparations for travel, I soon purchase a voucher for a ride from Panajachel to San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico. I will leave the boat dock in San Marcos at approximately 6:00 a.m. on Saturday morning, catch the mini-bus shuttle in Panajachel, and then arrive at my destination in Mexico approximately ten hours later.
After another delightful visit with a friend, I settle in with intentions to spend one final day of writing. I simply smile as I discover that the power is off. It seems that a nearby electrical transformer has blown out. As is quite common here, there will likely be no internet or electricity for the remainder of the day. Since writing is no longer an option, I spend my morning cleaning instead.
A Private Guest
Today will be my final chocolate ceremony with Keith before I return in the fall. I am delighted by an opportunity to be a guest in a private ceremony – a chocolate ceremony conducted for a tour group who are staying in a beautiful hotel in a nearby lakeside town.
To my delight and surprise, as the ceremony progresses, I feel absolutely no pain in my solar plexus. I am greatly encouraged by this milestone – a metaphorical marker that lets me know that I am slowly succeeding in healing the energetic feud between my solar plexus and my heart, between the masculine and feminine energies in my body.
The ceremony today is perhaps one of the most beautiful I have ever attended. I am not sure if this fact is due to the energy of the group – or simply that I myself am in a beautiful energy space – but regardless of the reason, the fact remains that today, Keith proves himself to be a master.
Holding Space
Throughout the ceremony I experience a great deal of emotional pain at various places in my body – pain that is mostly focused in my back, my heart, and my high heart. The amount of energy I feel dancing in my high heart tells me that things are really changing in that area of my field.
At one point I notice one woman struggling very deeply. She is an empath, someone who absorbs the emotional pains of those around her. She has been doing this throughout her life and is now struggling to understand how to release the things that she is carrying that are not even hers. I can see the pain in her face, and I can sense her intense inner battle to deal with this pain.
“Go sit in front of her,” my intuitions whisper quietly. “Just go hold space for her and empower her to get through her own inner process.”
For more than thirty minutes I simply sit in front of this woman, energetically showering her with love while she cycles in and out of empowered tears – some sad and some joyful. Eventually, I feel guided to return to my place in the room.
It is not until later in the evening when she thanks me, letting me know that my assistance helped her greatly.
A Snowball Fight
Throughout the beautiful afternoon, I establish similar energy connections with many others – but do so while remaining in my seat – a floor cushion in the doorway of a beautiful view overlooking Lake Atitlan.
About half-way through the afternoon I focus on my own process, imagining a large doorway in my heart. I visualize little Sharon on the left side of the two-part door, with little Bobby on the right. Each opens their respective half of the door. Soon, the three of us are standing in the open doorway, our heart chakras exposed to a metaphorical angel in the distance.
As I begin to experience a great deal of pain in the high heart, I tell little Bobby: “Hey, have a snowball fight with the angel. Grab the density and form it into a ball and then throw it out to the angel.”
As I imagine this fun and playful scene, I actually feel the painful blobs in my high heart begin to disappear. I also experience the sensation of my third-eye trying to open up more flow. I am unattached as that flow soon ceases. I trust that all will open in its proper time.
Energetic Threads
After the ceremony, in a short conversation with Keith, I revel in the feedback that he provides.
“You were connecting with a lot of people.” Keith reassures me. “And you were reading the book (feeling their emotional density) without eating the book (without putting that pain inside my body).”
Keith goes on to explain that I had energetic threads connecting me to many others in the group – and that most of the pains I experienced in my high-heart were not even my own. Instead they were pains related to the connections I had established with others in the room.
How I wish I could more fully discern this fact on my own. Everything Keith tells me resonates profoundly – but I am not yet energetically sensitive enough to be fully aware as to what I am doing.
“Trust yourself,” Keith later reassures me. “The more emotional densities that you release, the more your own inner energy sensitivities will open up.”
Look In The Mirror
At a dinner held after the ceremony, I am delighted to sit next to a member of the tour group who is herself a successful author. To my amazement, she is friendly and down-to-earth, treating me like her equal, like a trusted friend. I love the self-confidence that continues to build inside of my heart.
Later on, after a late-night boat ride back to San Marcos, I again tell Keith that the ceremony was beautiful – that it was one of the best I have ever attended. I am quite flattered by his reply.
“Look in the mirror for how your own participation contributed to that fact.” Keith responds with a genuine smile.
Bring It On
As I drift off to sleep on Thursday evening, June 30, I am in energetic heaven, alive with dancing peace, joy, gratitude, and love.
I can’t believe that this seven-month run of working with Keith is now over. It has been perhaps one of the most difficult and intense experiences of my entire life. For over seven months, nearly every spare moment of my time has been either focused on inner work or writing about inner work – with very few diversions of any type.
During these months, I have cried more than ever before. I have explored deeply buried reservoirs of unbelievably strong emotional pain – unresolved containers of blockages that have coated my energy channels, one layer after another.
I have also felt more beautiful and amazing energy flow than I ever imagined possible – opening up one profound magical experience after another.
Yes, I am still an infant in the process. I am only now beginning to get out of my head enough to allow for a more right-brained experience, and ego continues to cloud my vision.
I am eager to go home and test my progress and growth in a different environment. I am delighted at the possibility of sharing a little of what I have learned. But I fully recognize that I have a great deal yet to learn myself.
Whatever that learning may be, I say “Bring It On.” Yes, I am sure that I will continue to face many more self-doubts this summer. Yes, I am sure that there will be times when I want to just throw up my hands and simply give up.
But no, I will not give up. I have no idea where it may be leading me, but I am absolutely one-hundred-percent committed to following my heart, no matter where it may lead. I trust that the destination will be far more amazing than I could have ever imagined on my own.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved