Mornings have always been a difficult challenge for me. Ego has assembled an arsenal of clever pickup lines designed to convince me of the countless reasons why getting up in the wee morning hours will surely result in failure and exhaustion. Each and every morning when I awaken, Ego continues to saunter over with these same tempting pickup lines, inviting me to join him for a delightful morning cup of sleepiness, self-flogging delay-tactics, and even feelings of mild depression.
On this final Friday in April I simply thank those old and familiar voices for faithfully sharing their once-revered opinions, and I then proceed to ignore them. After two beautiful Skype conversations, another amazing Mer-Ka-Ba meditation, studying some Spanish, and even doing a Tarot reading on myself, I race off to Keith’s porch feeling delightfully energized and proud of myself.
Endings and Beginnings
The porch is quite crowded considering that we are now in rainy season. Ten people squeeze into this magical playground on Keith’s final regularly-scheduled Friday session of the season, and possibly for the year. After today, at least for now, public ceremonies will only occur on Sundays and Wednesdays.
Part of me feels sad, while I simultaneously inhale a deep sigh of relief. Five and sometimes six or seven days of intense emotional work, week after week, month after month, can be extremely taxing. It is definitely time to begin slowing down and shifting gears.
I am eager and excited for the increased opportunity to begin writing – to begin catching up on what is rapidly approaching an eight-week backlog of unwritten stories – powerful healing stories that my heart longs to integrate and share. The journey has been intense, leaving countless loose ends begging for the opportunity of a second round of loving attention.
But that increase in writing will need to wait a few more days.
Baby Steps
As I sit meditating in the glow, basking in divine light, I observe my body. Surprisingly, at least for now, my lower chakras are pain free and my heart vibrates with confidence and power. Yet I continue to experience the metaphorical sensation of a tight belt squeezing the boundary between heart and solar plexus, and that pesky little third-eye continues to exude a feeling of muffled cloudiness.
Gradually, as Keith makes his rounds with others, I feel myself connecting with their energy, allowing some of their painful emotional densities to move through me. Today it seems that I have a strong propensity to further explore the possibilities of embracing long-forgotten energy gifts, taking little baby steps to build trust and confidence in the realm of seeing myself as a recovering empath.
As I connect with each person, one by one, I feel as if painful blobs of emotional density enter my body. I allow it to run through me, entering the front of my heart and then running down into my solar plexus. I have already hooked up a metaphorical fire hose to my solar plexus through which the pain is then released to Mother Earth (the way I do it) for transmutation back into light.
I am quite amazed at how these painful little blobs feel as they move through me. I want to discount the process as being all in my head, yet the physical sensations literally mirror everything going on in my mind, firmly validating that this is indeed real.
Paradoxical Puzzlement
As Keith finally reaches my pillow by the kitchen door, I describe the process going on inside me.
“Am I just making this all up?” I ask curiously.
“No Brenda, you really are moving densities of others.” Keith validates my process after first checking in with his own guidance.
“But some of what is moving through you is also from your own past lives.” Keith surprises me.
“It is indeed entering through your heart, flowing down, and then leaving out of your solar plexus,” Keith validates, “but I am also guided to tell you that what is flowing out of your solar plexus is not all emotional density … part of that flow is clean energy.”
“I wonder what that means.” I ponder with paradoxical puzzlement. “Why would part of the energy that I am releasing be pure light energy? Wouldn’t I send that up to my heart?”
A Prickly Parade Of Energy
As I continue to observe the powerful flow of energy – the flow grows increasingly more prickly and painful. The whole experience is quite amazing and mind boggling. I am delighted by the fact that my own inner intuitions are being validated, both by actual physical sensations and through Keith’s verbal reassurance.
I am happy to simply sit on the sidelines, watching this dazzling parade of painful energies. But it seems that two women in the group are beginning to sink deeply into childhood shutdown energies of their own – causing me to further ponder my own ongoing emotional excavations.
Painful Energy Fences
As I shift observation modes, the flow of energy ceases to pass through me. Almost simultaneously I experience a gradual buildup of painful bulging pressure in my solar plexus, directly above the belly button. Then the pain forms distinct patterns, as if sharp and prickly horizontal ridges of thorns are aligning themselves in rows at the upper part of my abdomen, just below the rib cage – rows that feel like barbed wire fences.
A Feeling Of Fixing
While monitoring the amazing energy activity in my own abdomen, I sense an internal nudge guiding me to pay more attention to others.
As one young woman on the porch sinks deeper into her own childhood exploration, she leans forward on her bench and begins to cry with deep emotion. Meanwhile, Keith continues working with a woman directly across from me. To my surprise, Serg stands up, walks across the porch, sits down on the bench beside the deeply emotional young woman, and begins to guide her in yogic energy techniques.
I lightly tap Keith on his back before leaning forward to whisper in his ear.
“Keith,” I share my concern, “I’m getting the strong feeling of fixing energy … that what Serg is doing is not helping that young woman’s process.”
Keith briefly checks his own guidance, looks back at me, nods his head in agreement, and lets me know that he will take care of it. Keith then resumes what he was doing.
I simply watch and learn with love and detachment.
A Shocking Shift
A few minutes later, Keith stands up, returns to his green camping chair, and briefly interrupts Serg’s work.
“Is what Serg is doing helping you?” Keith asks the young woman with loving concern.
“Well, Yeah …,” she begins to respond before pausing. “But now that you mention it, I can see that he is distracting me from what I was beginning to go into.”
Keith has cleverly helped this young woman to recognize when someone else’s energy is not serving her.
“Serg,” Keith then shocks me with his next statement, “you are trying to fix your mother.”
Keith goes on to explain to Serg that when he was a child, he constantly experienced his mother’s pain (because he is an empath). He desperately did everything he could to prevent her from having to feel the pain.
Surrogate Senses
Suddenly Serg goes into deep struggle with his own process – starting to sink into profound emotion while attempting to prevent himself from doing so. It feels contrary to his life conditioning and his structured yogic training. He wants to understand why he must go into this emotion, struggling to comprehend how going into these deeply rooted negative emotions can possibly serve up a positive outcome.
As I watch and participate in this unfolding discussion, I begin to experience profound pain in my abdomen. The sensation is so painful that I curl forward in deep agony, as if instinctively attempting to protect myself.
“Serg,” I interject from across the porch, “I am feeling your deeply buried emotions – the emotional pain that you will not allow yourself to feel or access.”
Peacekeeper
Keith soon confirms that I am indeed feeling Serg’s own repressed pain, but he also clarifies that much of what I am experiencing is my own profound process – something triggered deep inside of me.
“Did I try to fix my own mother when I was little?” I ponder deeply.
“YES!” The answer to this question resonates powerfully in my heart.
Insights and memories begin to flood my consciousness as I find myself rapidly regressing to the age of a young child, perhaps in the range of three to seven years old.
I experience profound memories of deeply experiencing my mother’s hurt and pain – pain that I absorbed whenever she became sad or disappointed about something that one of my siblings might have done, or that I may have done to displease her.
I remember vowing to myself at a very young age that I would never do anything to make my mother hurt like that – that I would do everything in my power to please her and to make her happy.
Being a peacekeeper seems to have been a profound theme of my emotionally sensitive childhood. Witnessing the emotional pain of others has always caused me deep heartache. Of this fact, my memories are quite clear – I just never understood that the heartache was so literal.
Double The Density
“I am storing huge reservoirs of density from my mother.” I suddenly recognize with intuitive clarity. “I internalized all of her heartache and sadness. I desperately wanted her to be happy.”
The insights begin to flow with profound clarity.
“All of this density is stored deeply in the lower areas of my second chakra.” I ponder. “It has been locked away in seclusion, right alongside of my own huge and hidden reservoirs of painful sexual and creative repression.”
“It is kind of like a double-shutdown.” I ponder to myself.
Excruciating Roots
Keith has occasionally told me how second-chakra densities can frequently have metaphorical roots that run very deep. Several times over the last few months, I have literally reached down into a layer of those stubborn densities, grabbing them with all of the energetic strength that I can muster, exerting great physical effort while painfully pulling with my heart and will.
I know it makes no sense to rational mind, but somehow my heart and solar plexus know how to do this. Today I am intuitively guided to re-engage that profound heart-knowing while leaving my logical self alone where it can watch from the sidelines.
As I imagine my heart reaching down and grabbing hold of deeply rooted pain, I begin to pull, and pull, and pull, and pull with all the power of my solar plexus.
As I do so, huge painful emotions surge in my abdomen. As bits of these raging emotions enter my solar plexus, they beg for physical release. Within seconds I am collapsed over at the waist, overwhelmed with pain; tears quietly rush down my saturated cheeks while my gut shakes, my teeth chatter, and periodic coughs cause me to gasp for breath.
As I pull and pull, each energetic effort is accompanied by yet another even deeper round of painful emotional release.
Over and over I pull on what feels like a hopelessly stuck and bottomless supply of never-ending pain.
Streams Of Shared Density
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts. “I think it is time that you called in the angels.”
“Yeah,” I respond weakly, “I was just thinking that same thought. I feel as if I have now felt enough of the deep pain to fully understand the treasure-filled lesson behind it.”
Using my favorite metaphor that still seems to work for me, I ask the angels to hook up a fire hose to the top of my solar plexus. As I crank up the heart energy and ask it to run on autopilot, I experience an energized flow of emotional density that rises from my sacrum, up into the solar plexus, and then out to Mother Earth for transmutation.
Just as I did yesterday, this intense energy flow continues for a very long time. At times I actually experience intuitive awareness of the pain that is running through me. I feel my mother’s sadness as she worries about the wellbeing of her children; I feel my own sadness as I worry about the wellbeing of my children. I experience my mother’s seriousness and concern about day-to-day duties, obligations and stresses; likewise I feel my own seriousness and concern about the same.
A continuous stream of emotional pain flows through me – pain that I recognize as having originated with my mother, but as also having been programmed into me, becoming my own – pain that I had deeply internalized and now need to release.
Searching For Answers
“I feel a very positive and strong energy in my upper heart region.” I share with Keith as my very long journey with this flowing density continues.
“It is in my upper chest region, right below the base of the neck.” I explain to Keith. “Can you give me any insights about it?”
“Just watch it and continue following the clues.” Keith gives me a sneaky non-answer.
“I guess he is not going to help me.” I ponder quietly with a disappointed smile. “I get to do this one by myself.”
Expanding Love
From the rib cage down, intense painful energy continues to flow on autopilot. My entire abdomen is bloated and churning as this process unfolds.
Above my solar plexus I experience beautiful and peaceful vibrations – vibrations that fill this area of my body with loving power and peace.
The contrast of these two different worlds is quite bizarre and eye-opening.
Gradually I notice that the powerful energy in my chest expands more deeply into my shoulders while simultaneously pushing downward toward my solar plexus.
A One Way Street
The solar plexus immediately pushes back as if rejecting this loving energy. An old familiar feeling of “yes/no/yes/no” pulsing begins to chaotically argue at the bottom of my sternum … “Yes I want to exchange this energy” … “wait, No, I don’t want to” … “but wait, yes I do” … etc.
As I further ponder, the realizations are quite clear. Earlier today, the heavy dense energies of others were flowing into my heart and down into my solar plexus. This flow was not blocked, yet the downward flow of love seems to be tightly restricted. Likewise, no energy from below, whether love or density based, is being allowed to flow from the solar plexus up into the heart.
It seems to be a carefully designed system – to let the pain flow downward out of my heart, but to otherwise completely isolate my heart from what exists below.
I suddenly understand what Keith told me earlier about some of the energy leaving my solar plexus as being “clean energy”.
“It is loving life-force energy that wants to move,” I think to myself, “but that energy is not allowed to flow upward into my heart.”
The fenced-off line of protection just below my rib cage is keeping my heart separate from all of the buried pain below – desperately attempting to keep me safe from further heartache while blocking life-force energies at the same time.
Loving Transformation
As I focus on attempting to allow some of this clean energy to move upward, I experience absolutely nothing but frustration. The flow is simply not allowed, period!
Suddenly, a clue pops into my mind – a metaphorical clue that Keith had given me yesterday when he told me to dip a wand into the density and to bring it up like bubbles.
Ignoring fear and hesitation, I imagine myself poking the wand down into the depths of my solar plexus. After it collects a few drops of painful emotion, I then see the wand lightly touching my heart. Immediately I feel the sensation of a few bubbles moving and popping. The sensation is actually quite sharp and painful. This solar plexus energy deeply hurts my heart.
The process is quite frightening at first, increasing the sensation of agitation in my lower abdomen, but I continue to test the waters, gradually stepping up the intensity and frequency.
Eventually I begin bringing little drops of bubbling density to shoulders, neck, chin, eyes, the back of my head, and random other areas. Over time I ask for a tiny continuous flow to begin rising up from my solar plexus and into my heart. As the painful bubbles begin to pool, I use my own powerful heart to transmute the pain into love and light – the flowing pain constantly ebbs and flows as I first feel it sting and then peacefully dissolve.
A Mother’s Love
“Where would your mother be … what would your mother be like … had you not helped her with her energy when you were a child?” Keith asks three of us who are working on similar issues.
As I ponder the profound question, I think of my mother’s struggles with self-image – how she saw herself as being fat, did not care for her body, and refused to wear a swim suit.
“Could it be that my empath assistance as a child actually helped her to keep these painful emotions in check?” I ponder to myself. “Was she happier and thinner because of my unknowing energetic assistance?”
Gratitude fills my heart as I ponder the love I feel for my dear sweet mother – and for the thought that just maybe my own painful energetic assistance might have served and helped her in her own life journey.
While pondering this deep loving connection with my mother, I let go of many forgotten and buried resentments. Joy fills my heart as I sense this powerful unconditional love flow through me.
A Chocolate Interlude
As I immerse myself in newfound explorations with lower-chakra energy, the chocolate ceremony is abruptly interrupted. Isaias has arrived in a tuk-tuk filled with buckets of freshly ground cacao – a huge batch of slightly-runny chocolate that must quickly be measured out into plastic bags, sealed, and laid flat before it hardens.
For several hours I tediously assist with the process, filling and carefully weighing bags of this yummy brown heart blood.
Shortly after 8:30 p.m., as my chocolate coated fingernails and I finally return home for the night, I quickly fill my tummy and return to meditation-land.
Energetic Suicide
For the second night in a row, I begin with what turns out to be an amazing Mer-Ka-Ba meditation – again dazzling me with swirling, almost dizzying energy that blows me away with its powerful flow.
But I am anxious to continue pursuing the budding peace-treaty between heart and solar plexus.
Soon, at own my energetic urging and with the assistance of an imaginary wand, I begin to feel a small stream of energy that tentatively explores its way from the top of my solar plexus up toward my heart. As that energy reaches the center of my sternum, the exact spot where I have often felt a sharp stabbing “nail-in-the-heart” feeling, I experience a profound stinging and agonizing pain.
As this pain surprises me with its excruciating strength, I remember past emotional recognition telling me that I had been energetically crucified, martyred, and sacrificed by my religion – having been forced to sacrifice life-force energy connections in order to conform and fit in.
“Did I actually stab myself in the heart?” I ponder with horror as I sink into the unbearable intensity of what I feel.
“Was I energetically killed?” I further ponder about my shutdown process. “Or did I kill myself … literally committing energetic suicide?”
Choosing Life
I cannot help but be whisked back to painful memories in which I faced real life pain forcing similar choices to be made.
At age forty-one, when I made the excruciating decision to finally transition from male to female – it was literally a “do or die” decision.
If I did nothing, I knew I would be dead emotionally for the rest of my life, most likely ending up killing myself either by my own hand or indirectly doing it via stress and depression-induced illness. Absolute inner certainty reassured me that the end result of “doing nothing” would mean that I would never really be present for the ones I love or for my own self. Yes, I knew that this path would lead to sure physical and/or emotional death.
On the other hand, if I transitioned to female, the male side of me was literally forced to commit suicide – painfully straining family relationships as well. There was no doubt in my mind that this decision would bring profound inner joy and personal fulfillment, but it also came with great cost to those I love.
In the end, I chose the only option that gave me hope of life – I chose a path of being true to my heart.
Striking Comparison
I suddenly understand what happened to me as a child. I was faced with the same choice – only in reverse.
As a very young child, I was full of deep life-force energy connections and gifts that would never have been accepted or understood by my family or culture. With the gender confusion added into that, I was in big trouble.
If I had tried to keep those gifts alive, I would certainly have ended up emotionally and possibly even physically dead. Religious and cultural beliefs would have labeled me as deeply disturbed, possessed by evil spirits, requiring psychiatric intervention and treatment – treatment that would have psychically sliced me up with deep scars.
My only survival choice was to commit energetic suicide – to kill all signs of gender variance and to strangle as much divine life-force energy flow in my body as possible.
Yes, this second choice was excruciatingly difficult, but it kept me physically alive until a point in my life where I could begin to wake up those repressed and strangled parts of myself.
With my gender transition over fourteen years ago, the feminine energy rebirth was well underway. Today, with my present awakening process on Keith’s magical porch, the magical energy connections are also being reborn.
A Heart Full Of Pain
As I meditate further into these unexpected insights regarding energetic suicide, I continue to be shocked by the intensity of the pain – sharp pain that I experience each time I bring a few more drops of solar plexus energy up into my heart.
For a while, my heart is able to transmute and release the pain as love, but eventually, as I increase the flow, the pain begins to pool in my heart – and it is not going anywhere. Feeling stuck in my process and totally unsure how I might proceed, I simply allow this pool of pain to remain in my heart while I unexpectedly drift off to sleep.
Just Go Already
Early Saturday morning, as I roll over in my bed, an unfamiliar sharp pain demands my focus.
“Ouch,” I exclaim as I move my left arm and shoulder. “I must have slept in a bad position or something.
The profound aching behind my left shoulder-blade is difficult to portray in any type of positive light. It just hurts!
At 8:00 a.m., as I attempt to sit down with intentions to write, my efforts are hopeless. Confusion and distraction reign supreme as I struggle to achieve any type of inspired focus. After an hour and a half of playing computer games, checking email, and scanning Facebook, I throw up my hands in frustration. The pain behind that left shoulder is just too unbearable; I cannot concentrate.
“Just go over to see if Keith is home,” little Jedi voices whisper in my head. “Perhaps he can do a shoulder or back adjustment for you so that you can function.”
“No,” I reject the voices, writing them off as simple wishful thinking. “Today is Keith’s day off. I don’t want to disturb him. I will be just fine.”
“Serg slept over on his porch last night,” the voices continue. “There is something you need to do or say that will help Serg.”
“No,” I again resist the inner guidance, refusing to follow.
Fifteen minutes later, as I waffle back and forth, debating “should I” or “should I not” go, I finally listen to one more round of guidance.
“Just go already.” The voices demand. “The worst that can happen is that Keith will not be home. The best is that you really are supposed to be there. Now quit doubting yourself! Just do it.”
Of Emotional Origin
To my delight, Serg is visiting with Keith in his kitchen when I arrive. I quickly explain my doubt-based dilemma and hesitation about not wanting to disturb Keith on his day off.
“I can’t help you with a shoulder or back adjustment.” Keith responds after checking with his inner guidance. “The pain is emotional, not physical.”
Keith goes on to explain that the pain is related to resistance in opening up a new level of heart power that is related to my writing and other forms of expression. He further shares that the shoulder blade is metaphorically thought of as the place where angel wings want to form – a symbolism related to connecting with the higher energies.
Sitting down in a spare chair, I meditate for a few minutes, but feel considerable resistance.
Confusing Resistance
“Find the part of you in charge of the resistance,” Keith begins to coach me. “Grab your little girl and sit down at a conference table to talk with that part of you.”
As I attempt to follow Keith’s guidance, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of distraction and confusion.
“Find the confusion and sit down with it at the conference table.” Keith gives me more guidance.
Again, I find myself helplessly lost in resistance and doubt. My intuitions are not flowing. I am so distracted that I feel totally incapable of meditating with metaphors today.
“Find the resistance and sit down at the conference table.” Keith again reiterates his original guidance. “Ask your little girl to show you how … ask her to help you talk to the resistance.”
A Distracted Diversion
As I attempt to comply with Keith’s instructions, I get distracted and instead find myself asking little Sharon to help me bring in more energy from my solar plexus. I have her dip the magic wand down into my abdomen and touch it to my heart. As the bubbles form, I again feel the sharp pains returning to my heart.
Soon I have a tiny stream of bubbles that originates in the solar plexus and ends at the “nail-in-my-heart” place in my sternum – a place that again resonates with sharp pain. Eventually, I begin to feel the bubbles also rising up the back of my spine, with both the front and spinal streams rising all the way to my throat.
To my dismay, the left shoulder blade hurts with even sharper intensity.
Unbearable Pain
As I engage in my silent process, I put the bubbles on autopilot while Serg begins to talk to me about his own painful process. It seems that he has shoulder pain in his right shoulder blade – pain that also originated last night. During my conversation with Serg, Keith listens quietly while working on his own household tasks.
Serg and I talk for at least a half hour while I coach him deeper and deeper, attempting to help him to further understand and embrace the confusing world of emotional release for healing purposes. I find myself sharing great wisdom from many different angles as Serg repeatedly asks for more of my insights and suggestions. I feel quite proud of myself for how easily and fluidly the answers flow from my tongue.
Throughout this conversation with Serg, the intensity of pain in my left shoulder continues to increase, now reaching unbearable levels.
Ego Exposed
“Keith,” I interrupt what he is doing, “I’m still feeling deeply distracted by everything I try to do – feeling overwhelmed by resistance, confusion, pain, fear, and doubt. It is as if I know that I will fail, so why even try.”
“Who or what is that distraction?” Keith again pushes me.
“It is ego,” I finally respond after a few minutes of confusing internal debate. “It is me running an ego loop, entering into my God/separation drama, believing that I am alone and that God will never help me unless I am pathetically lost.”
“Ego is skillfully running its simple series of distraction techniques to pull you back into its clutches.” Keith confirms. “Your job is to simply recognize who is running the voices, and to then choose which voices you will follow.”
Just Send Love
“Now,” Keith takes back over the reigns, “I have told you several times to grab your little girl, find the resistance that is the source of your back pain, and to go sit down at a conference table.”
Ego screams loudly, spewing heckles and doubts as I struggle to believe in myself – to actually make a connection with that voice of resistance. Finally, as I am about to give up, I choose to stop listening to the doubts, reminding myself instead about all the amazing meditations that I have been through – then telling myself to simply “do it already”.
In an act of pure faith, I reach out in a genuine attempt to love.
“I don’t know who you are or why you are here,” I begin speaking to this unseen guest in my conference room, “but I love you.”
Immediately I am overwhelmed with emotion – extremely deep emotion. I am not sure if it is fear, anger, pain, or sadness – but whatever it is, it reaches to profound depths.
“What do I do?” I ask Keith as I momentarily lose confidence again.
“Just send love.” Keith validates what I am already doing.
A Job Well Done
The moment I again focus on sending love, intense and overwhelming emotion throws me into confusing tearful release. I still cannot identify the emotion, but it is horrifyingly-intense and all-consuming – causing me to reach a point of inexplicable agonizing sobs.
Suddenly I know … I just know – and that knowing comes with deep clarity.
“It is the executioner.” I blurt out through gushing tears. “It is that part of my own self that I asked to kill me – that I asked to choke off my life force so as to keep me dead to the energies – the part of my very being to whom I gave the horrible job of keeping me disconnected and isolated from my divine life force.”
“It was a miserable job that I gave to him (this energy).” I continue to speak between coughs and sobs. “After giving him this hapless job, I then abandoned him for more than 50 years, refusing to even remember who he is or what I asked him to do.”
I am not sure if I have ever felt such emotional intensity in my entire life. Communicative awkwardness and deep grief overwhelm me.
“How can I possibly face this part of me after all these years?” I struggle through tears while attempting to gather myself. “What do you say to someone you asked to energetically kill you … and who then did it? How can I ever heal such a horrifying situation?
“A Job well done!” Keith congratulates me for powerful insights and internal recognition.
Agonizing Awareness
Tears rage in profound and powerful bursts for much of the next hour. I collapse forward in my chair as wave after wave of gut-wrenching sobs and teeth-chattering emotion consume me, while a huge pile of toilet tissue builds up on the floor beside me.
After an occasional momentary pause, I suddenly moan with grief as another round of profound recognition overwhelms me – recognition of what I forced this energy to do – recognition of its intense isolation and loneliness – recognition of the horrible rejection it must have suffered through all of these years while continuing to faithfully perform his assigned job.
Each such new realization again launches me into another powerful wave of agonizing emotional release.
A Healing Hang Out
Finally I achieve a peaceful pause that feels complete.
“What do I do now? I ask Keith while staring numbly at the floor, partially in a state of shock.
“Do I need to try to open something now?” I beg for insight. “Or do I simply sit here and integrate?”
“Why don’t you ask your Higher Self to bring in three glasses of healing liquid?” Keith advises me. “Simply hang out with both your little girl and this part of yourself for a while.”
Give It To The Angels
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts after a very long pause. “Talk to your little girl and tell her that you do not hold her responsible for any of that pain … that you love her and that this is not her fault.”
“I am already connected to her.” I respond matter-of-factly. “She is crying, but she knows that it is not her fault.”
“NO,” Keith firmly emphasizes, “you tell her directly that you know it is not her fault.”
As I go into meditative conversation with this beautiful little Sharonski, my precious inner child, I suddenly sense her begin to sob and shake. She fully understands that she had to bring in this executioner energy – that it was the only choice she had – but she has been terrified that I will hate her for it and that I will stop loving her.
Immediately as I feel Sharon’s pain, I too begin to sob and shake, rapidly sinking into another unexpected wave of deep, tear-filled emotional outburst while contemplating this beautiful little girl’s anguish.
Two Angels
“Give her pain directly to the angels,” Keith interrupts me.
When I hear these words, I begin to stop crying, attempting instead to be an empath, unattached to the emotions themselves, simply directing the density out to the angels.
“Are you saying that I shouldn’t be crying right now?” I ask Keith for clarification.
“No Brenda,” Keith responds lovingly. “That is not what I am saying.”
I again allow myself to cry along with my precious little girl – me crying out my own pain while supporting her in doing the same with hers.
Soon, I feel as if two beautiful angels have surrounded my little girl, holding and loving her, helping to absorb her shaking pain so that I no longer need to feel it so profoundly.
Unbelievable Yet Undeniable
When I finally feel stable and capable of talking, I engage Serg in a discussion about my own experiences – attempting to help him understand my amazing insights – how a real part of me had actually committed suicide in the name of love.
I can tell that my experiences are profoundly impacting Serg, deeply assisting him in his own emotional journey. I am grateful that he is here today, participating along with me.
As I attempt to further describe the profound depths of my experience, I again begin to sob. This pain is so intensely real – so unbelievable yet undeniable.
Please Understand Me
When the emotion again settles, I find myself regressing back to age three, feeling myself on my bed, crying profusely while my mother sits by my side. She is desperately trying to get me to stop crying, feeling frustrated and not understanding why I am crying.
I am simply unable to stop. As that tiny three-year-old, I cry and cry and cry.
My mother begs me impatiently to please stop. Finally she brings me a glass of water. When I slowly sip on that cool liquid, my breathing somehow stabilizes and the tears dry up.
“I just wanted to be understood.” I tell Serg. “That seems to be the story of my whole life – that I just wanted to be understood. But no one could understand why I was the way I was, not even me.”
New Levels Of Understanding
Suddenly, I burst into deep gasping sobs as another wave of clear intuitive understanding flashes through my consciousness.
“I really was deeply connected to the divine energies at that age.” I tell Keith with new profound levels of awareness and knowing.
Yes, I already understood this at a more rational mind level, but now for the first time ever, I deeply know it, I profoundly feel it – and those feelings are undeniable.
“I was literally being smothered by family, religious, and societal conditioning.” I exclaim with new clarity. “I was forced to completely give up who I knew myself to be in order to please my mother.”
“This is why I was crying.” I add with determination. “This too is the story of my life – a story of sacrificing myself in order to please my family and my religion.”
Celebrating Awareness
What began as a desperate morning plea to Keith, asking if he might perhaps do an adjustment on my back or shoulder, has turned into one of the most amazing healing sessions ever.
I finally know who that voice is – the voice that will not let the energies flow – the voice that energetically isolates my heart chakra from the rest of my body. I could never have foretold what I would find or how painful it would be – but wow, I am so grateful for the amazing level of personal understanding that now blesses my heart.
As a celebration after leaving Keith’s home, late on Saturday afternoon, I treat my little inner child to a yummy burger and fries at a local restaurant.
Integrate and Meditate
As I prepare for a very-early late-afternoon bedtime, my left shoulder blade continues to ache and throb.
“Brenda,” Keith had still insisted when I left his home, “The pain is emotional and not physical. Go home, integrate, and meditate. Let the understanding come to you.”
Soon, I am fast asleep.
Unplanned Meditation
Suddenly, I awaken from a deep dream after what feels like a long and restful sleep. When I note that the clock reads 8:30 p.m., I giggle in shock and amazement. I don’t think I have ever woken up from a dream so early in the evening.
The shoulder pain remains intense, and I make futile attempts to treat it physically – massaging my shoulder, leaning backward into a door frame, and squeezing tight muscles in my neck – but nothing affects the pain at all. It simply will not go away.
Finally I decide to follow Keith’s advice about meditating. I begin to explore the energy blockages – both those below my neck and those at the top of my solar plexus. I eventually recognize that each of the upper and lower blockages have a masculine and a feminine component, all having their own individual roles in the shutdown.
When I meditatively sit down with the feminine executioner in my neck, I experience a beautiful emotional connection – yet I sense that she feels extremely guilty and unworthy of my love, as if she has been doing me a horrible disservice all of these years.
Recognizing the importance of sending love to these energy-executioners, I power up my heart and begin to spread that love. The meditation is beautiful, lasting for three hours – but it does nothing to alleviate the shoulder pain.
As midnight approaches, my heart remains a detached island, cut off from above and below by humble energy servants – each continuing to honor a still-in-effect mandate to strangle the flow of life force in my body.
A Broken Heart
As I momentarily use my computer to take a few additional notes regarding my journey, I suddenly recognize a clue that I have been overlooking all along. When I had fallen asleep last night, my heart was experiencing deep emotional pain – pain that I had been unable to release. While sleeping on my back, the left shoulder blade is directly below my heart. The unreleased heart-pain had settled with gravity during the night, finding a new temporary home in my shoulder blade.
Then I remember something else that Keith had suggested earlier in the afternoon.
“Think of the pain as being a referred pain.” Keith had thrown me a forgotten clue.
Quickly I review all of my symptoms – I have recently been having shortness of breath and bouts of dizziness and lightheadedness. I have also felt strong pain in the front center of my chest, combined with aching referred-pain in my left shoulder blade.
Seconds later I am verifying symptoms on a well-known medical web site.
“Sure enough,” I tell myself. “All of my symptoms line up with what might be considered the most classic symptoms of a heart attack.”
But I know better … all of these symptoms are merely metaphors.
A long, long time ago, when my little inner child was forced to choose energetic suicide as being her only means of physical survival – that decision literally broke her heart.
“Clearly, my little girl is showing me that I am suffering from a broken heart.” I tell myself as I drift back to sleep.
“But I am tired. We will pursue this on another day.”
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved